Frat House (1979) - full transcript

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Hey, looks like you're
getting a little bit warm.

Yeah.

Well, can I buy you a drink?

Don't drink.

Can I get you high?

Don't smoke.

Are you
always so talkative?

My mom said never
to speak to strangers.

How 'bout a blow job?

Well?

It's pretty good.



What do you mean pretty good?

All right, it was very good.

That's better.

After all, it was your idea to
live out all your fantasies.

I'm not the only one.

All the guys back at the house

want to live out
all their fantasies

before they graduate

because after final exams,

it's the real world
seven days a week.

Responsibilities,
families, jobs, rent,

property taxes.

No more carefree college days.

Well, you gotta
grow up sometime.



Not if I can help
it, Cindy, my darling.

That's why we never
went steady, right?

Wrong.

We never went steady
because it wouldn't be fair

to either of us.

We're too young
to be going around

like an old married couple

those days will be creeping
up on us soon enough.

Not soon enough
for me, me darling.

Say, look.

I gotta run.

You better get the car back

before mommy wakes up.

Mommy doesn't
get up before noon.

Some people have all the luck.

Later.

He's never around
when I need him

but boy is he exciting
when I got him.

Remember, guys.

All of our fantasy
fulfillment is going

to be based on two levels.

Individual activity
and group activity.

Now, Larry where do
we stand from here?

Well, so far we're
not doing so bad.

Roger, you're way out in front.

We know you fucked at the
homecoming game under a blanket.

You screwed at the midnight
showing of Pink Flamingos.

And now this latest
bit, the jogger thing

in that red convertible.

Of course, we know about
your kinky girlfriend.

- Hey.
- Oh, yes.

Snake cock Sutton here is
getting rather successful

with the ladies
touching his dork

by having the pockets
cut out of his jeans.

He walks around with a
double arm load of books

and then innocently asks
these sweet young things

to reach into his pocket to
pull out a quarter for him.

It works like a charm.

Yes.

Just out of curiosity, Sutton,

what is the reaction
percentage on that?

Well, let's see.

10 slaps, two lays,
and a blow job.

Male or female blow job?

You, Star, you're
next on the agenda.

You're our resident
photographer and peeping tom,

armed with that
long lens of yours

and the proposition
that most of the females

on the campus do
not wear underwear,

you make them look like uh.

Like they're not
wearing nothing.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Great work.
- Yeah.

- Four stars.
- Indeed.

You guys haven't
seen anything yet.

I'm assembling some
video cassettes.

Doing x-rated versions
of TV commercials.

Yeah?

Real tasty stuff.

Oh far out.

Oh me, me, yeah, I'm doing
a lot of writing lately

and I'm screwing the TA
from comparative religions.

Yeah, I understand
she's changing her major

to physics, but who knows?

Well, whatever
makes you happy.

It makes me happy.

What about group activities?

Well so far all
we've been able to do

is brown out the
Glee club from USC.

I don't know, not good enough.

What we need is
something with style.

Shit this is wacko,
this is crazy.

Come on, hurry up.

Get down, get down.

Quiet.

Well, there it is, boys.

$30,000 worth of pussy heaven.

Won't they miss it?

Nah, we'll have
it back by three am.

So who's to know?

The girls will love it.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Hear something?

Nah, everything's legal.

Yeah, till you get caught.

Ah, come on.

Roger, see if
you can get inside.

- Hey, the door's unlocked.
- Far out.

Let's see if we can
jump start it, gents.

Shit, this things as
heavy as Bernice's tits.

Come on, push,
you jokers, push.

I'm trying.

Come on, man.

Drop the fucking brake.

Push harder, let's do this.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on.

Hey Wild Bill, wait for me.

Hey, Star.

Did you come?

What the fuck do
you think this is allover me?

How was it?

Great.

Hey, let's
say we switch girls

and start allover.

All right.

It's gotta be the Rams.

Vikings.

Hey, it's gotta be the Rams.

Vikings would kick their ass.

Oh yeah, nice ass.

Okay, toots, nothing
to write home about.

Move that knee just a little.

Yeah, there you go, baby.

Oh my god, it's prick tease.

My god, her pants ride up...

Oh.

If she doesn't say
hi to me today,

I'm gonna die.

Hi.

Shit, damn.

Shit!

Sutton, those are
your best slacks.

Yeah, I'm moving
my act uptown.

That motherfucking
cunt busting my balls.

And, what pray
tell, is the matter?

Female problems?

Sounds like prick teaser.

Right, goddamn cunt.

Who's prick teaser?

Haven't you ever seen her?

She's that hot tuna that
wears those real short

short shorts and.

I'm mean she's so tight

you can count every pubic hair.

Oh, what's the big problem,

why don't you ask her out?

Ask her out?

She wouldn't even
give him a hello.

Nothing, I mean
not even a smile.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Sounds like this
hot, young tuna

needs a little cooling off.

This sounds like a job for the:

Twat team.

Twat one to twat two.

I don't see her yet, over.

You guys in position yet?

Twat two to twat one.

We are positioned and ready.

Okay, target is
coming into view now.

Cutting across the parking lot.

She's right in front of the
administration building.

She's about 10
seconds from drop.

Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, drop!

Oh is that radical.

Here, Shirley, put this on.

I'll help you keep warm.

Come on with me.

Oh, thanks for letting
me take a hot shower.

I was freezing.

Here, drink this,
it will warm you up.

How's that taste?

That's delicious.

Say, have you seen my
backpack anywhere around here?

Yeah, it's right here.

Oh.

Hey, you're kinda cute.

You mean you couldn't see me?

No, I can't see
anything up close.

I'm far sighted.

I hate to wear my glasses.

So everybody thinks
I'm stuck up.

Well, I think that uh...

My names Abigail.

But you can call me Abby.

Well I think, Abigail, that...

Abby.

Well, Abby.

I think that you're uh...

Yes?

That you're beautiful.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Oh yes, Star.

Oh yeah, fuck me.

Oh give it to me.

Oh my god.

I'm gonna start coming.

You're beautiful.

You're delicious.

Oh no, it's starting
to get hard again.

Well, keep that thing
away from me, you fiend.

Well it's you, you
really do it to me.

Well you really did it to me.

I feel like I've been ravaged

by the uncircumcised infidels.

If I come again, I think
my nuts are gonna disappear.

Oh?

Oh come on, don't touch it.

Geeze.

You know what, fuck that.

What do you think we should do

about this rather large problem?

Got some Vaseline?

Sure, why?

Why don't you
fuck me in the ass?

What a hose monster.

Hey, look, this gonna be
a really great idea, guys.

We'll bring a little bit
of old time chauvinism

back to this liberated campus.

I don't know, a panty raid?

Yeah.

That's a throwback
to the dark ages.

Oh come on,
Sutton, get with it.

Yeah.

Just think, we'll
be able to peek

at all those young
little snatches.

When we attack, they'll
never know what hit 'em.

We can chalk up another victory.

For the twat team, right guys?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Right, right, right.

Okay, let's go.

- A piece of cake.
- Ah, you said it.

Now listen, the object is
to slap them on the ass,

get an article of
clothing, and split.

Okay?

- Hey, guys.
- Yeah?

I found an open window.

- Okay.
- Let's get to it.

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna get you.

Take this.

Take this and that.

Wrap them up.

Throw it on them, all of it.

Push them out the door.

All right.

This is another fine
mess you've gotten me into.

You've got it.

Good old fashioned
male chauvinism.

- Bye.
- Huh, guys?

That's it.

Thank you.

That's why I'm a
psychology major.

What we have here is a classic
approach avoidance conflict.

We want to do well in the
everyday responsibilities

in the real world, to
become successful adults.

But we don't want to
let go of our youth,

our fantasy, or our freedom.

Hey, that's no conflict
for me, you guys.

I refuse to let go.

Period.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm nearly ready to graduate

as a physical education major.

I don't want to go out
there and teach gym.

I want box.

Right.

So, Larry, mister
creative writer.

You've got a little insight.

What should we do?

Well, the way I see it.

You've got two choices

and I say you 'cause I've
already come to my decision.

Now back to the two choices.

First, we can go
ahead and graduate

and get out there on
the assembly line.

Or you can reenlist
for two more years

and go for your masters.

Two more
years of this?

Yeah, it's better
than wages, isn't it?

- You said it.
- Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't either.

Larry, what's gonna
be your decision?

I'm not gonna tell you guys.

I don't want to
influence anybody.

Well, enough of this
heavy conversation.

I'm gonna get decked
out in my boogie best,

head to the music center
and play touch pee pee.

Oh all right.

Well don't forget your quarters.

Oh uh, pardon me.

I've got to make a long
distance phone call.

I wonder if you could
reach into my pocket

and grab a quarter.

Are you playing tonight?

I'm gonna try.

Please, do me a favor

and just reach down in
there and grab a quarter.

This is heavy.

Certainly.

My name's Stacy.

Oh, I'm Sutton.

I can't tell you what
my friends call me.

I bet I can guess.

Yeah, well could you
just reach down there,

did you get the quarter yet?

No but I think I found
a roll of silver dollars.

I sure feel funny
standing here like this.

Well, reach a little
lower and you'll feel nuts.

If you still have to make
that long distance phone call,

I've got a phone at my place.

Just what do you when
you're not foisting

your manhood on
unsuspecting females?

I'm graduating from college.

I'm a physical eduction major.

I bet you graduate
with honors.

Well, you sure gave
me an education.

You're something special.

Oh I bet you say that
to all your victims.

By the way, just what do
your friends call you?

Snake cock.

I can believe that.

It looks like the
Lone Ranger rides again.

Hi ho silver.

One hen, two ducks.

Three squawking geese.

Four limerick oysters.

Five porculant porpoises.

Why don't you ever
tell me that you love me?

How can I tell
you that I love you

when you're sitting on my face?

A BA in psychology is okay.

A masters would be better

and a PhD would be fantastic.

I realized I would be out of
the mainstream, financially,

for the first couple of years.

But in the long run,

my earning potential
would be increased.

Who are you trying
to convince, you or me?

Me, I guess.

Why does it take me so
long to make up my mind?

It's an important decision.

It's a crossroads.

Look, whatever you decide now

is going to effect
the rest of your life

and it will also
effect your work.

You're right.

You're absolutely right

and believe me I can feel
the pressure right now.

Ah, don't let it get to ya.

You'll make the right
decision when the time comes.

Do you really think so?

Oh, yeah I can bet on it.

Hey, I'm your biggest fan.

You're some kind of
a girl, you know that?

I don't even deserve you.

Sure you do.

Hey, you know.

I think you're really right
about not going steady.

Honest?

Honest.

I mean, if we didn't
experiment now,

if we didn't try our wings,

later, we'd have
nothing but regrets.

You're right,
absolutely right.

Hey, let's go for a
quickie in the bushes.

Oh, I love that mind of yours.

Out of all the
hundreds of students,

I bet we'll be the
first one to try it.

Oh yeah, Cindy.

That's nice.

Don't stop.

Yeah.

It's freezing.

Holy fucking shit.

Here, let me
take some pictures.

Come on, look.

All right, all right.

Oh yeah.

Okay, let's move
over to this side.

Right there, yeah, okay.

Love that shot.

Right, get something,
eat something.

Yeah, there you go.

Ah, sensuous.

Boy, you look good.

I'll make a postcard
out of this one.

All right, closer.

Smile.

Stretch.

And touch your toes, one.

Two.

And three.

And four.

Okay.

One.

The boys,
I mean, are not refined.

They go with girls
who buck and bite.

They do not give
a fuck for luck.

They hunt them 13 times a night.

One hangs a hat upon her tit.

One carves a cross
on her behind.

Do not give a shit for wit.

The boys, I mean,
are not refined.

They come with girls
who bite and buck.

Who cannot read
and cannot write.

Who laugh like they
would fall apart

and masturbate with dynamite.

The boys, I mean,
are not refined.

They cannot chat
of that and this.

They do not give a fart for art.

They kill like you
would take a piss.

They speak whatever's
on their mind.

They do whatever's
in their pants.

They speak whatever's
on their mind.

They do whatever's
in their pants.

The boys, I mean,
are not refined.

They shake the mountains
when they dance.

Exquisite.

Hey, Ms amt any good,

do we get our money back?

I'm a pretty
tough critic, Star.

Yeah, well that
goes double for me.

Hey, all right, all right.

Believe me, you're
gonna like it.

Just give me a chance.

Okay.

This, I would like
for you all to know,

that this is my world premiere

of my latest and
my boldest work.

Hey, Mr. Felis.

Hey enough.

Enough words, enough words.

Okay, so action
speaks louder than,

action now, observe all.

Roll it big shot.

Come on, stick it in there

where we can see it.

Oh yes,
here we go darling.

How about a little
chocolate speedway tonight?

You know it's one
of my favorites.

No, no darling.

You know how it
makes me nervous.

It hurts.

Nevermind that.

I'm using the new
Brim contraceptive.

It's lubricated
with a combination

of Vaseline and Novocaine for
easy penetration without pain.

Oh darling,
you think of everything.

Here, I'll just
put the tip in.

You tell me if you notice
the big difference.

I'll say.

Ah, say goodbye to
pain and worry with Brim.

In that case
darling, fill it to the rim.

With Brim.

Brim contraceptives.

Made with a combination
of Vaseline and Novocaine

for easy penetration
without pain.

Void where prohibited by law.

- Whoa.
- It's getting.

Mama.

We're going to ask you

to reach through there

and test your powers
of discrimination.

It won't
bite me, will it?

I certainly hope not.

Now what do you feel?

Soft,
they both feel soft.

Now tell the truth.

Do you notice any
difference at all

between the two sides?

Not really.

They were both soft.

Now, they're smooth and warm.

Would you believe me

if I told you that one
side was a college graduate

from New Orleans
and the other side

was a cab driver
from Corpus Christi?

That's
hard to believe.

They both feel the same.

So what
does that tell you

about over intellectualizing?

Why, it's
just a waste of time.

It's what's below
the belt that counts.

Next time I pick up a guy,

I'm not gonna
waste time talking.

I'm gonna grab him
below the belt.

Below The Belt,
a corporation against

over intellectualizing.

Don't think about it.

Do it.

He must
be the college boy.

You said it.

Little mild
bondage tonight, dear.

What are you doing?

Why, it's a new
Wild Flowers baby oil.

It gives everything the scent

and feel of wild flowers.

Here, smell this.

Wild flowers.

Yes it, it really feels

and smells like wild flowers.

It also has a real
nice fresh minty taste

so that, so that it
leaves your mouth

with a fresh clean
taste afterwards.

Now it really
smells like wild flowers.

Just wild.

Pretty heavy, huh?

Four stars as usual.

A definite,
multiple Emmy nomination.

Hey, no one knows
that I'm gonna take this tape,

I'm gonna sneak it into
the faculty screening.

I think their reactions will
be a little less enthusiastic.

Something to remember us by.

Should of known it
was too good to be true.

After all, it only
happens in the movies.

We fucking made it!

Hey, fucking seniors.

Hey, you'll never have
to take a bath again.

We made it.

Chancellor Wilcox
eats my shorts.

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

I want box.

Let's get drunk.

Yeah.

- All right.
- All right!

- Come on.
- We made it!

Party time.

Fellas.

We made it!

All right.

All right.

Grab a beer.

Goddamn.

Goddamn, I'm gonna
get laid for a week.

I'm gonna get
drunk for a week.

I'm gonna do both.

- I bet you will.
- Oh I want box.

I want to get blow brain.

I want some tuna.

- Yeah.
- Boy.

Say listen, before we
become yesterday's news.

Yeah.

Let's figure out
what we're gonna do

for our last
fantastic final orgy.

Hey, let's butt
fuck some fags.

Shit, take him, man.

On your own time, Sutton.

On your own time.

Listen guys, let's be serious.

Yeah.

We made ourselves a promise

after finals and
after graduation

that we'd have one
final big bash.

Yes, we did.

And then we'd figure out

if we're gonna
come back or what.

I already made my decision.

Me, too.

I made mine a long time ago.

- All right, all right.
- Well, well.

- That leaves me.
- Yes, it does.

Well listen, after
we have our party

I'll let you guys
know my decision.

So, what are we gonna do?

Well.

What we're gonna do is this.

See, I know that I have not
been the most exciting guy

to be around the last semester.

I second that.

And furthermore, I decided
to do something on my own

and I've come up with
something a little imaginative

and daring and sexy.

- Oh yeah?
- Yes?

Yes, you see.

I have it on good authority
that Chancellor Wilcox

has installed a brand new
jacuzzi grotto in his guest house

and I have it on
further good authority

that Chancellor Wilcox
will be gone until Monday.

- Monday?
- Monday.

Three days.

Yes, indeed.

So, what we're going to do

is grab our ladies
and some munchies

and some smokes, et cetera,

sneak on down to the place

and party our
fucking brains out.

Hey listen, you
go on down there.

We're gonna head up back
here, go up the back way.

We'll meet you down there, okay?

- Okay, guys.
- A|| right, go.

Snake cock, turn on
your fucking lights.

Fuck man, this aint a road,

it's a goddamn mine shaft.

You sure this is the
right way, Larry?

Will you relax?

I researched this
all quite thoroughly.

There's no problem.

Damn, man.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch, Larry.

Will you just please relax?

Everything is just
going according to plan.

When do we get off
this Hershey highway?

I can't see shit.

Coast down the hill

and we'll end up right
behind the house.

Fuck, man.

God damn.

Can we slow down, Sutton?

Slow down!

No fucking brakes.

Oh Shit!

Everything
under control, huh Larry?

Picky, picky, picky.

Oh Christ,
I can't even get

out of the fucking car.

Keep trying.

Well, look on the bright
side of things, Sutton.

At least we landed
right in the middle

of Chancellor Wilcox's backyard.

Wild and crazy guys.

All right.

Oh wow.

All right let's go.

Hey, hey.

Nice.

Hey, Star, how is it?

There we go.

That was great.

Eat the banana.

What in blazes is
going on in here?

Sir, I can explain.

We just got here.

I wish I could tear
up your diplomas.

We're just having
a little party.

So why park in my backyard?

Oh, pardon us.

ls this a no parking zone?

I don't see it posted anywhere.

Hey man, I'll
pay for the damage.

There's no harms done.

No harm.

And we'll all
be back next year.

At least I will.

Me, too.

Me, three.

That makes four.

Well, I will
personally see to it

that you never set foot
in another university

the rest of your lives.

Bullshit!

Big man, big man.

We're all of age.

We're doing no one any harm.

Who was that?

Oh, and by the way,

this is not a graduation party.

No, no.

This is my engagement party.

So why use my house?

Ah ha, because
sir, I am engaged

to your daughter.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, daddy.