Four Shades of Brown (2004) - full transcript
An eccentric millionaire dies at a manor in Dalarna in Sweden, leaving behind three sons and a mistress. One of four parallel stories about parents and children. Four sides of Sweden. Four shades of brown.
foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
Four shades of brown
DALARNA PROVINCE
Life should be fun.
If there is a God, and He has
a wish for us, its not to be bored!
In the Book of Matthew,
chapter 16, Lord Jesus says:
"What is a man profited if he gains
the whole world and loses his soul?"
I'll get it.
Oh, come on...
I'd rather gain the world than die
half-naked and nailed to a plank.
Tony!
Life should be fun.
Dad, there are a few things...
- Tony, he's very weak...
- This is between me and Dad.
Dad... I've a few bones
to pick with you.
Hey...
Dad...
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Sören H. Lindberg,
and I died 43 minutes ago.
I have no regrets.
I've made my own decisions
and I regret none of them.
Above all, I've had fun.
"Dead" isn't the right word.
I'm a Buddhist, for Gods sake!
It's just my body that's dead.
I'm sure as hell not.
COMMUNITY CENTRE
SÖDERTÄLJE
What happened
during the "Emperor of China"?
And you have to tilt the vase 450,
or it's visible from the balcony.
- There was no balcony.
- I know, that's not the point.
- Can we try to take this seriously?
- Of course, darling. Sorry.
I want to stop in Västervik tomorrow
to see if my winter coat's ready.
Jan-Erik, I have a confession.
I was at Åhléns today to buy
Stefan Andhé's latest paperback.
And...?
I didn't find the book, but...
I met...
an incredibly interesting man.
The idea struck me
that we could be together.
Hang on a sec...
This is Perikles.
- Perikles.
- Jan-Erik.
What are you eating?
- Morning!
- Good morning, Perikles!
- Where are we headed today?
- The E4. Hotell Brunn.
European Highway 4. Excellent.
Monday, 4.30 p.m. Four men - I put
them in the small conference room.
I like it that
all the shots face the sea.
Now this is really me!
But it's not really you, is it?
Then there's your parents...
What do you mean? Of course it's me.
- These are all us.
- My parents aren't coming this year.
They're going to put themselves
in cold storage or something.
They're not going to fill their son's
hotel with coloured handkerchiefs.
What's that in the road
that looks like strawberry jam?
Hush, hush, my dear
it's Papa, run over by a tram.
So you're magicians.
I'm not fond of magic.
I think life itself is magic.
- For Jan-Erik.
- Thanks.
And for Smulis.
Oh! You found it!
Let's be off!
15's ready!
- Hi! Welcome!
- Darling, how nice to see you!
Hi, Mum. Welcome.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello there, Innkeeper.
- Can you take this?
- Of course!
- How long did it take?
- Five hours, with one stop.
- Say hello to Perikles.
- Hi, I'm Richard Brunn.
- Perikles.
- Sorry? Oh, I see.
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
- You've extended!
- Renovated. We hired Keskinen.
Have you heard of him?
Raimo Keskinen?
He did the FinnAir lounge at Arlanda,
and he's been in Barcelona a lot.
- A cadeau for the lady of the house.
- Well, thank you! How kind!
That's a six-seater, Gustav.
Take a smaller table.
- Look at this! Who's this little...?
- Oh, that's a...
- Wow!
- How cute! Who's it meant to be?
- It's a little man.
- I see, a little man. How cute!
- It's a music box too!
- It's meant to be someone, isn't it?
- That man who lives with his kids...
- It's him!
The accountant at Circus Benneweis.
Dr Schneider. Remember, Richard?
No.
It's Hadar Cars. Minister of Trade
in the Liberal Party government.
- In the late 70s.
- A wonderful era!
Do you have the room key?
Let's see... Here you are.
Richard...
Why do I get so tense
when my parents come?
As soon as they walk
into the hotel, I just...
- Do you have beach towels?
- Sorry?
- Are there any towels for...
- By the stairs, I'll show you.
Excuse me!
We don't smoke inside the hotel.
Hi there, Smulan.
- You've got a good spot here.
- Yes, it's wonderful.
- Are you thirsty?
- Yes, thank you!
- He seems nice, that Perikles.
- Isn't he just?
- Is he someone you...
- Hello!
BJÄRRED
SKANE PROVINCE
- What's all this?
- They've arrived! They've arrived!
- Wait till you see...
- Oh, the pictures. At last!
Look at this. And this one!
This is my favourite!
- Aren't they great pictures?
- You can see it's my T-shirt.
My T-shirt in Rio de Janeiro!
- Let's get started!
- No, we have to go.
- Now?!
- To the parent-teacher meeting.
- I won't go! I want to frame these.
- We're not framing anything.
We're going to
the parent-teacher meeting. - Morgan!
As things look right now,
I'm going to have to fail Morgan-
- in Swedish, English and Maths.
I see.
And then there's... There have
been a number of incidents.
In one instance, Morgan set fire
to a friend's winter jacket.
Morgan isn't stupid, he's just...
...very negative.
- He seems very unwilling.
- Of course you're willing!
I think it's best if children
are stimulated to want to study.
You have to try to stimulate Morgan.
Talk to him.
Show him all that's out there.
"Out there"?
- What page are you on?
- 74.
- 74... I'm on 71.
- Really?
This affair with Baiba Liepa
in chapter four...
Wasn't Inspector Wallander dating her
in The White Lioness?
I don't remember. I don't know.
Yes it is. It's the same woman
as in The White Lioness.
It's not important to the story.
You never know with Mankell.
I'm off to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Kiss kiss.
- Kiss kiss.
Hmm... Baiba...
It was The White Lioness.
Baiba...
The whole county is infested
with the Colorado potato beetle.
But don't panic. L've plenty of
fly spray in the garage.
Morgan, you need to be ready
in ten minutes.
- Eh?
- You're coming to work with me.
- I'm going out with Massoud.
- No, you're not.
It's Saturday. I'm meeting Massoud.
Let's see here...
This is the sewage basin, where
we take care of the pooh and stuff.
And here's our building!
This is where the old man works.
This is a different division.
They do their thing over there.
Here's the whole module:
This is the On/Off switch...
See?
Then it's code... code... and call.
- Central guard. This is Blom.
- Hi, Leffe! It's Christer.
5212 SSK. Is it OK if I go in,
even though it's Saturday?
L've brought my boy out
to get stimulated. Carrot, you know.
Er... say hello to the wife.
I'll just lock up then.
Look at this: "T-T".
"Tuesday, Thursday, Ten to Twelve."
T-T. Easy to remember.
I'm the first person people meet here.
I'm our public face.
I stand back here.
This is where your old dad works.
"Good day."
Good day. Just kidding.
Let's play a game!
You be a customer and I'll be me.
Take a number and I'll show you
how the whole process works.
Here, take this.
OK, you've just come in with that.
And you've taken a number, good.
Sit there and wait.
And I call out the numbers like this:
Number 35!
No one has number 35? Strange...
Taking a number
and then disappearing... Number 36!
- That's me!
- Number 36? Yes, that's correct.
Then we write you up in this folder.
The number should match.
This is the gate. Come on in.
Come in, come in. Have a seat
on the sofa. That's where we sit.
This is the cuddly-wuddly room.
It's where you can cuddle your pet.
You get a few minutes here
to cuddle and say goodbye.
Some people
are totally shaken and distraught.
And that's
where we have our coffee breaks.
- The contrast?
- He's so dark, they look light.
Don't you think Flavio
has changed a lot in just one year?
Yes, he's beautiful.
Anyway, I told him
that he has to make an effort.
- What beautiful teeth he's got!
- Why do I do everything at home?
I just keep wondering.
You're lucky to sponsor
such a handsome child.
This is where we go in.
To the left.
This is the heart
of the whole facility.
Put the bag down there.
That's the cremator.
A Tabo incinerator.
With a solid-cast hearth floor.
This is no pizza oven, believe me!
It goes up to 900 degrees.
It has an
incineration capacity of 112 kg.
This is where the ash comes out.
There you have it!
There...
I'll take that bag now.
We put it on the workbench...
Then I put on these safety gloves.
Kjell Levrén likes these -
red ones like Mum uses in the garden.
But I use black ones.
Now let's see what's in here.
Morgan, come here.
Come and have a look,
this is exciting.
There we are...
Look! It's one of those
Yorkshire terriers.
Feel this. Here you go, feel it.
Feel. See, it's not a dog anymore.
It's all tumor.
It's frozen,
but this is just pretend.
Now it's time for the shot.
This is Kjell's, Jan's and Dad's.
I take this
and put it behind the ear.
There. Look! Morgan!
Here. Look.
I put this in the neck.
Insert... empty the syringe...
and pull out.
There now. It's time for you to rest.
That's a good dog...
There! It's dead.
Now onto the conveyor...
Now let's go over here...
The thing is...
...when dogs die, someone has to
take care of them. That's our job.
I put them to sleep and burn them.
Not to be mean to them.
But someone has to do it.
And it's not just dogs.
It's also...
...rats... and pigeons
killed by the council.
Then there are smuggled puppies
seized by customs. And summer cats.
That's really common.
"We forgot the cat. Never mind..."
Bollocks. Out of the way!
Sod Jan, he's left it off-kilter.
Shit!
Shame I can't be there.
This is for the horses
They won't get this at all.
What did I write here?
Where's this from? Ah, who cares?
Lots of tape on this one. That
nail-biter will have to work for it!
That'll be number one.
A big, fat "1".
Fancy meal, there's that...
This is going great!
ORIENTAL FUNERAL
I was born 74 years ago in Gagnef.
My mother and aunts spun wool-
- and wanted nothing to do with men.
But they wanted a kid.
For that purpose they used
a German immigrant, Philip Schmidt.
He was a shopkeeper,
and he got to mount my mother.
He was never seen again.
But I came to be, and I grew up in
a lovely world of yarn and women.
They were handsome women.
I called them Mother Doris,
Mother Matilda and Mother Josefina.
Three mothers and no father.
I have such wonderful memories.
I'm five years old, sleeping naked
in Mother Doriss bed.
I hear giggles, and they all
come in with full vodka glasses-
- straight from the sauna.
They're warm and damp and happy.
They lie down next to me
and start kissing me.
"Dear little Sören," they say.
"You're the best boy in the world."
And they lie down naked in a row,
so I can roll back and forth-
- over their wonderful, soft bodies,
and I shout out:
"Hooray for Sören!
Hooray for Sören!"
And then I fall asleep, stretched
out across my beautiful mothers.
I don't think any boy
could ever be happier.
As an adult I've fallen asleep
that way many times, but...
...it was never the same
as with my mothers.
"Childhood pleasures are
adulthoods sorrows," as they say.
But I have had fun. It's fun making
babies, for example. I've had three.
I found their mother, Caroline,
in a clothing catalogue.
So I phoned the company.
"Hi, this is Sören H."
"I'd like the phone number to the bird
on page 55 in the polka-dot dress."
I took her to Torremelinos
for a bit of fun.
We had three kids before she died
of cancer in '83. She was lovely.
Three kids we had.
A Tony, a Mikael and a Kenneth.
You boys have plenty to do now the
old man’s dead. Or not really dead.
Ill cling to your miserable little
lives like a French perfume.
Mikael and his wife have some kind
of business selling lotions.
Anyway, Mikael is taking care
of my funeral.
What’s her name now...?
Lisa? Lisbeth? Whatever.
They're good people, anyway,
even if they look like sausages.
You can put it here. Perfect.
"Sören H. Lindberg washing
his vagina on Tiananmen Square"-
- by Ernst Billgren.
Joakim, do you have Arsey's number?
It's good. It has...
I see.
It's to hang over there.
- No, it's to go in the other room.
- No, it's to go there.
Johanna... She was my woman
the last ten years of my life.
What a tasty bird...
I've only ever had tasty birds.
There's Tony, my oldest. He just up
and disappeared ten years ago.
He had some kind of
football career up in Sundsvall.
He sat on the bench in a few
big games, but he never played.
For Gods sake, learn to laugh!
You take life way too seriously.
Laugh and enjoy life, damn it!
Then there's Kenneth, the baby.
Speedway driver with allergies.
I never really got to know Kenneth.
He was always shy and withdrawn.
Hell, I never wanted to know him.
It was hard enough
getting to know myself.
It's more fun getting to know yourself
than a boring old fart like him!
Hi there.
- Is Tony here?!
- Hasn't said a word in two weeks.
Hi, Tony!
- For God's sake!
- Tony, stop mooning people!
Johanna Bergström.
You didn't come down to greet him.
- Well, what do you want?
- What do you want?
Let me go!
Sören H. Lindberg is Swedens
all-time best jockey.
I've won everything
that can possibly be won-
- and bought all that can be bought.
But my dearest possessions are not
this gigantic farm or all my money.
What means the most to me
- the women and the horses...
Those are my dearest possessions.
Harness racing
is like riding in a taxi-
- except that you’re behind a horse
running around and around.
I don't know if its worth respect.
I respect people who spread joy.
Like the baker, chimney sweep and
Kikkoman - the inventor of soy sauce.
"Mikael Lindberg
will co-ordinate the ceremony"...
Screw the party,
I want to know who gets what?
Like who gets Pirog?
When do we find that out?
Maybe Pirog,
the pride of the stable.
He was a little tired
when we won the '83 Gran Premio-
- but I don't think
he ever really gave it his all.
He didn’t have to; He won anyway.
He'd won 25 million before we
turned him out to stud 12 years ago.
Today he's the most prized stud
in all Europe.
Whoever inherits Pirog
will never want for money again.
The harness racing is what has
allowed me to do what I want.
When I realised I could do
whatever I pleased-
- I blow-dried my hair up
into a little ball.
"The Cancer". A play in one act
by Sören H. Lindberg.
I got a play!
Is that all?
With age comes insight into what
we should have known in our youth.
If I'd known then what I know now,
I'd have had eight penises.
Take it easy, now...
I feel sick, too,
with you lot screaming!
Eight knobs hanging in a bunch
against my thigh.
Just think!
Kenneth!
- I need a toilet!
- Daddy, where's Granddad?
- Granddad is dead. Stone cold.
- You never told me!
There you go, Christer.
Watch your head.
Careful. Good. Let's turn around...
There. And down we go...
So when we got back to town,
everyone upped and went. Boring lot!
OK, watch your step.
Do you want me to help you?
Take care of yourself, Christer.
Welcome home!
Wait, let me help you! There.
You were supposed to come at 11.40!
It's only 11.30!
Let me help you...
Christer! What the hell...?
Here we are...
Morgan picked this out.
Let me help you.
I'll take that...
Let's see if it fits...
Yes, it's perfect!
Let's just put this over here.
There we go.
WORLD'S BEST DAD
Oh, that's way too hot!
We'll have something else first.
Could you leave the room?
I want to talk to Dad.
L've never cared much for appearance.
"For better or for worse," we said.
Things were good for a long time.
Now it's time for worse.
That's all there is to it.
We have a lovely garden, you and I.
Sorry, Christer. I just can't do this.
You boys will have to sort this
urination thing yourselves. - Morgan!
What shall we start with? I know, this!
Can you guess what this is?
No, I didn't think so. Look, you can
use it to reach your back!
You can scratch, or scrub,
or whatever!
I think I'll turn in.
There...
I don't see it as a sacrifice
being married to you.
Kiss kiss!
You're going to look terrible.
Everyone will think that, but they
won't say it; that's the worst part.
Eventually you'll long for someone to
say it instead of just looking away.
So the close relationships you have
now will be very important to you.
- I'll stand by him.
- That's good.
OK, then.
How do you feel? Tender?
I'm going to take off the collar
in one go. Ready?
Great! Good job, Christer.
That was the worst part.
There we go...
Is it OK?
Good job, you're a real fighter.
Now, one... two... three...
Do you want me to stop?
Now I'm going to pull this
over your head. That's the last of it.
You're doing great.
Good job, Christer.
Now it's over. Good job.
There's a mirror over there
if you want to have a look.
- Hi, Janne.
- We've brought you some friends.
- How many?
- Three today.
Christer, can you manage?
Do you want some help?
No!
Have you thought about
where your job is leading? I mean...
Just relax...
I mean, it's been a while
since you worked in...
It would give Jan a chance to learn
how to... deal with customers.
So I thought you could rotate.
Switch places.
He could learn about customers
and about being our public face.
Well? Because it's important for him
to be our public face now and then.
I mean, our public representative.
Good. Then...
That's that, then.
So anyway. What else is new?
Anna!
- Mådan! Hi!
- It's been ages! How nice to see you!
- How are you?
- Fine, just fine.
I'm just looking at the calla lilies.
Look, I saw Christer
in the sweetshop the other day.
- How is he?
- He was picking up a package.
It must be very difficult.
Yes, it was crazy
to close down the post office.
I mean with Christer.
He's just fine.
So is Flavio. Everything's normal.
It's our turn.
We were at the vet's in Denmark.
He didn't know if Max needs to be
put to sleep, so he sent us here.
- Eh?
- We've been to the vet's in Denmark.
And he told us to come here
and ask if he has to be put to sleep.
But... we can't make that decision.
A veterinarian
must make that decision.
But he sent us here.
If you're putting him to sleep,
we have a price list...
I just want to know
if he has to be put to sleep!
What shall we do with the ostrich?
Can we put it in whole?
Should we slice it up?
It escaped from an ostrich farm.
It ran out on the E65
and got flattened by a lorry.
I don't see
why they can't build proper fences.
What else is new?
Sent in your pools coupon?
MASTHUGGET
GOTHENBURG
It's right there at Korsvägen.
You should take the tram.
What is this? Why are they
never finished before it's our turn?
OK, ladies, prancing-time over!
Hello...
- I bet they don't know the schedule.
- I have a class to teach here.
Olle is buying today. It might take
a while, the off-licence was crowded.
- Hi, everybody!
- Hi, Ernst.
- The dart guy is Holger, right?
- No idea.
- I don't want to say the wrong name.
- What a piquant odour!
The air isn't so fresh after their
class. They jump around and stuff.
There's a guy at work
who smells really bad.
I think sweat is unpleasant.
I never sweat.
No... but it's not...
It's from his mouth.
- His breath is horrendous.
- That's disgusting!
You shouldn't have to suffer
for his poor hygiene. Say something.
That's not something you can...
- I'm not used to these, you know.
- Jesus...
- Can you help me with this?
- Of course.
- You've got hold of the crutch?
- Yes.
- You should have told us!
- What happened?
It's not as bad as it looks.
Shall we get started?
It's really Ernst's turn to start.
But I think Olle should start
by telling us what happened.
I was mugged.
- Attacked.
- That’s terrible!
He took my wallet
and a necklace I was wearing.
Then he disappeared.
Aren’t you angry?
If you're so bad off that
you have to mug someone for money...
I feel sorry for him.
- That's not relevant.
- Why hate a man with such problems?
- You think you deserved to be mugged?
- Of course not.
It sounds like middle-class guilt
and strong self-hatred to me.
You've picked an interesting wine.
This bearded man is so... happy.
He makes me happy.
- Ernst, it's your turn.
- OK...
I've been thinking
about something this week.
My blandness versus my charisma.
- Ernst...
- I sit in cafés unnoticed for hours.
Then... another time I come
and all eyes turn to me.
- Must we listen to this again?
- Yes, as long as I have the timer.
We've agreed on certain rules here.
You made up that timer rule yourself!
- Yeah, knock it off!
- Rule 1: We all get to say our piece.
- But it has to be relevant.
- Relevance is relative.
It has to be about
a personal problem you have.
And I'm saying
I'm both bland and charismatic.
What you're saying is
that you're very self-centred.
I just can't forget
this charisma thing.
- Can someone open a window for me?
- Of course.
Last week you told us about
your relationship with Premilla.
I'm curious, as I'm sure we all are,
about how that's going...
- Great. It's going great.
- Is it?
It's going very well.
Just the other day, Premilla suggested-
- that we find ways
of improving our sex lives.
That we should... do whatever
we want with each other.
We... decided to put ourselves
entirely into the other's hands-
- so we could live out some fantasy.
"Sure," I said.
I let her start.
She tied my hands to the bedstead.
And she went over my whole body,
in detail, from toe to top.
She lingered for a long time
at my scrotum-
- which she licked with slow,
eager movements. She was crazy!
I felt a little tense at first,
but then it was my turn.
I tied her up, too. Good and proper.
Come on, come on, tell us!
Then I poured Frosties in her cunt
and fucked her hard, hard, hard.
- Frosties?
- Yes, the breakfast cereal.
Well, I'll be damned!
It was nice.
You're making it up!
It's just your wanking fantasy!
Yes, and that's just fine.
Oh, Johan...!
Is it true, what Ernst said?
Were you just making that up?
He made it up.
Yeah...
- It's like this...
- Wait, I'm not done erasing.
There. Go ahead.
Well, I tied her up,
fairly loosely, then...
...licked her down there
until she was done.
Or pretended to be done.
Then it got quiet...
...and I fell asleep.
So you didn't dare
to do what you wanted to?
L've given up the idea
of satisfying sex in real life.
It's more like a kind of game.
A polite game.
You ought to open the packet of eel.
You can't put eel and meat together;
it turns out weird.
There's some weird kind of glue,
almost like plaster.
They're not soggy,
they're really crispy!
Oh, you made them!
Mauritius? Interesting.
I was there in 97. When are you off?
- This Christmas.
- During the rainy season?
- Did you pay for both tickets?
- Yes.
- Why?
- He's a student, he can't afford it.
It was the same thing with your last
boyfriend. Why do you always pay?
I don't always pay. My last two
boyfriends just haven't had jobs.
There's nothing odd about that.
Previously, you've said that you were
nervous about long trips.
- What if you shared expenses?
- But he can't afford it.
Couldn't you go somewhere
he could afford, and split the cost?
Maybe, but I don't want to.
Cheaper places are boring and cheap.
I want to go to an expensive,
enjoyable place.
- You never let anyone else pay?
- No, I always pay.
What if I offered you
a huge seafood platter?
- Why?
- Because I want to.
- But what do you want from me?
- Nothing. Your company.
- Say an oval platter with oysters...
- God, that sounds good!
Belon, a dozen... Not lobster,
but langoustes from the Mediterranean.
I was at a restaurant in Paris...
Hello, good morning.
- Oh, isn't this nice!
- Welcome to our family breakfast.
Have a seat.
- This is for family only.
- I just want a cup of coffee.
You know, I think
you're even prettier today, Smulan!
- How's the magic business?
- Fine.
Can you understand my Danish?
- Is it still fun?
- It's our job.
Are you kangaroos too?
I'll also take my breakfast
on the beach.
But Mum!
We were going to eat together!
In that case, I'm done.
Thanks for a lovely breakfast.
Perikles!
- What, are you off too?
- What? No! No...
A Magical Evening
- Did you get the lamb out?
- Yes.
So it will be thawed by dinner.
I put it on your side.
I thought it would be unsanitary
to have it in the kitchen.
Hi there...
Don't take this the wrong way,
Jan-Erik...
...but I'd like
to take you to Africa.
Every day could be our last.
Perikles, come let me show you
the stage entrance.
What the hell...?
Mum! Stop that now!
Hi, Dad!
May I come in?
Just kidding.
Er... it's like this...
You buy a hotel.
You renovate it.
It turns out nice.
You create a pleasant place.
What's this?!
Dad... Can't we try
to maintain a certain decorum here?
Can't we?
That's... that's great.
Nice to...
Just great.
What the hell... Dad!
We fly fishers
want a partner on the hook.
That’s not easy. The partner likes
to stay on land with a hot thermos.
Johan.
Oh, hi!
No, I'm in the car
on my way to class.
It's like a cooking class.
We get together and eat...
...and talk.
- Hello! How are you?
- Just fine...
Hold back... Not yet... Not yet.
Get with it! Not yet.
Now!
The other day I was in the cellar
retouching old school photos.
I had such a strange
haircut back then.
The nice thing is
you can change your past, and I have.
So now I've always been this way.
What's troubling is
that it was a perfectly normal cut.
I once had a cut like that.
- I looked like all the other boys.
- Can't you just accept who you were?
- What do you mean?
- Why lie about the past?
I can accept things. But the photo is
not of how I want to see myself then.
Let me show you...
This is my school photo.
I took a pen and retouched it
a little, added some lines...
This is how I looked
when I think of myself then.
But that's a pussycat.
I don't understand...
I'm serious. When I look back on
those days, that's how I looked.
You can't change a photo.
That's rewriting history.
- L've put things right.
- A photo doesn't lie!
So you mean the photo is truth
and my pussycat is a lie?
- Yes.
- Rubbish.
But here...
Look, this is a photo.
- What is this?
- My wife.
- Oh, little Premilla! Let's see!
- That's my wife Premilla.
That's exactly what she looks like.
Twenty years from now,
it will still be how she looks today.
- So this is how she looks?
- Exactly how she looks.
- Exactly?
- Yes.
You don't think she's small and flat?
- It's a small photo.
- And she has no body.
Interesting wife. - Johan's wife
has no body and lives in a wallet.
My school photo didn't measure up.
I had to change it.
- Because your haircut was normal?
- It screams conformity.
And what have you done
this week, Jenny?
I was a bit nasty to a girl at work.
I didn't mean anything by it,
it just happened.
God, there's a lot here!
I'll be working overtime all week.
- Do you have any New Year plans?
- New Year? That's six months away.
But I don't know, I was thinking
I might go skiing in Are.
- That sounds like fun.
- It's nice to get away from it all.
If I go with some friends,
do you want to come?
I'd love that! It'd be great!
We could ski a little and just relax.
- We could rent a big cabin!
- And have big dinners!
- And make out with guys.
- At the after-ski party.
Have you been to an after-ski party?
It's horrible.
Like at Harleys, only five times
worse. But skiing is fun.
- Yeah.
- You like skiing?
I hate it.
Silly clothes and a bunch of kids.
- I thought you wanted to go.
- And ski? No, I just want to drink.
- You mean go away and party?
- Yeah.
That's an idea.
But I wouldn't go to Are for that.
And absolutely not at New Year.
It's a geek-fest there.
- So you don't want to go to Are?
- No, what do you think?
Are is a big fat joke.
Maybe we can do something here.
But I think I already have plans.
We can talk about it later.
- You did that? That's mean.
- I know.
But I don't see myself as mean.
I don't want to be.
- It's fun to be mean.
- When you know you've got them!
You can manipulate them...
It's like juggling.
But with people's feelings.
- It sounds like fun.
- I think it sounds destructive.
Olle...
Is there anything
you feel guilty about?
Of course. Tons of things.
The worst thing is
that I broke up my family.
I worked too much, spent too much
time on my career instead of them.
I was unfaithful.
I feel very guilty
about that sometimes.
And that I have no contact with
my wife anymore. Or my daughter.
- Did you leave your wife?
- No, she left me.
- Why?
- She caught me with someone else.
- What did you do?
- Packed my things and left.
No... She packed her things and left.
- Let go of her!
- I'm letting go.
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
- My wife got custody of her.
- Why?
I didn't have time; I worked
all the time. Yes, I have regrets.
I just couldn't make it work.
- So you chose...
...my career.
- When did you last see her?
- Not since then.
It's unbelievable...
"No, leave silly Cancer."
- No, leave silly Cancer.
- Good!
- "The funny ball in the funny park."
- The funny ball in the funny park.
When I was 64,
I went through an identity crisis.
Was it really a good idea,
this polygamist lifestyle-
- with all these women
running around everywhere?
Was it really good
to grow up with three mothers?
No, I decided.
So I decided to spend the rest
of my life with one woman.
That was Johanna.
And I've never regretted that.
Johanna Bergström...
I think these crises help people
to mature properly.
If someone makes a giant painting
of themselves like that...
...how do you beat that?
You make an even bigger painting.
And hang it
in front of the first one.
You mustn't do that again.
I want you to respect me.
That goes without saying.
Respect.
That's really important.
Have you seen her, do you want to?
- You'll see, Dad.
This will be my party.
Hi...
Look what I've got for you.
Have you seen my pretty cow...
What the hell...
- I...
- What are you doing? What's that?
- A pair of... horse jeans.
- Horse jeans?
- For Pirog.
- You're going to put jeans on him?
That's what it said
in the envelope from Dad.
It's not a good idea to put jeans on
a horse if you're scared of horses.
No...
Someone else will have to do it.
- Someone else will have to do it.
- Right.
All right?
- I haven't seen that in a long time.
- What?
You nodding like that.
- Remember when I played hockey?
- Yep.
- Remember how bad I was at it?
- Yep.
When Dad came to watch, if I screwed up,
I looked up to him for support.
And he always looked away.
But not you.
You just nodded like that.
That felt good.
I'm so bloody nervous, Tony.
I need you there tomorrow.
That look. It feels good.
Hi there, boy.
Hi. We're going to get dressed up.
What a great funeral party
its going to be.
What you don't know
is that Sören H. Lindberg-
- will rise from the dead.
Eight penises hanging like grapes
against my thigh, what joy!
But what kind of jeans
would I wear?
---
Four shades of brown
DALARNA PROVINCE
Life should be fun.
If there is a God, and He has
a wish for us, its not to be bored!
In the Book of Matthew,
chapter 16, Lord Jesus says:
"What is a man profited if he gains
the whole world and loses his soul?"
I'll get it.
Oh, come on...
I'd rather gain the world than die
half-naked and nailed to a plank.
Tony!
Life should be fun.
Dad, there are a few things...
- Tony, he's very weak...
- This is between me and Dad.
Dad... I've a few bones
to pick with you.
Hey...
Dad...
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Sören H. Lindberg,
and I died 43 minutes ago.
I have no regrets.
I've made my own decisions
and I regret none of them.
Above all, I've had fun.
"Dead" isn't the right word.
I'm a Buddhist, for Gods sake!
It's just my body that's dead.
I'm sure as hell not.
COMMUNITY CENTRE
SÖDERTÄLJE
What happened
during the "Emperor of China"?
And you have to tilt the vase 450,
or it's visible from the balcony.
- There was no balcony.
- I know, that's not the point.
- Can we try to take this seriously?
- Of course, darling. Sorry.
I want to stop in Västervik tomorrow
to see if my winter coat's ready.
Jan-Erik, I have a confession.
I was at Åhléns today to buy
Stefan Andhé's latest paperback.
And...?
I didn't find the book, but...
I met...
an incredibly interesting man.
The idea struck me
that we could be together.
Hang on a sec...
This is Perikles.
- Perikles.
- Jan-Erik.
What are you eating?
- Morning!
- Good morning, Perikles!
- Where are we headed today?
- The E4. Hotell Brunn.
European Highway 4. Excellent.
Monday, 4.30 p.m. Four men - I put
them in the small conference room.
I like it that
all the shots face the sea.
Now this is really me!
But it's not really you, is it?
Then there's your parents...
What do you mean? Of course it's me.
- These are all us.
- My parents aren't coming this year.
They're going to put themselves
in cold storage or something.
They're not going to fill their son's
hotel with coloured handkerchiefs.
What's that in the road
that looks like strawberry jam?
Hush, hush, my dear
it's Papa, run over by a tram.
So you're magicians.
I'm not fond of magic.
I think life itself is magic.
- For Jan-Erik.
- Thanks.
And for Smulis.
Oh! You found it!
Let's be off!
15's ready!
- Hi! Welcome!
- Darling, how nice to see you!
Hi, Mum. Welcome.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello there, Innkeeper.
- Can you take this?
- Of course!
- How long did it take?
- Five hours, with one stop.
- Say hello to Perikles.
- Hi, I'm Richard Brunn.
- Perikles.
- Sorry? Oh, I see.
- Welcome.
- Thanks.
- You've extended!
- Renovated. We hired Keskinen.
Have you heard of him?
Raimo Keskinen?
He did the FinnAir lounge at Arlanda,
and he's been in Barcelona a lot.
- A cadeau for the lady of the house.
- Well, thank you! How kind!
That's a six-seater, Gustav.
Take a smaller table.
- Look at this! Who's this little...?
- Oh, that's a...
- Wow!
- How cute! Who's it meant to be?
- It's a little man.
- I see, a little man. How cute!
- It's a music box too!
- It's meant to be someone, isn't it?
- That man who lives with his kids...
- It's him!
The accountant at Circus Benneweis.
Dr Schneider. Remember, Richard?
No.
It's Hadar Cars. Minister of Trade
in the Liberal Party government.
- In the late 70s.
- A wonderful era!
Do you have the room key?
Let's see... Here you are.
Richard...
Why do I get so tense
when my parents come?
As soon as they walk
into the hotel, I just...
- Do you have beach towels?
- Sorry?
- Are there any towels for...
- By the stairs, I'll show you.
Excuse me!
We don't smoke inside the hotel.
Hi there, Smulan.
- You've got a good spot here.
- Yes, it's wonderful.
- Are you thirsty?
- Yes, thank you!
- He seems nice, that Perikles.
- Isn't he just?
- Is he someone you...
- Hello!
BJÄRRED
SKANE PROVINCE
- What's all this?
- They've arrived! They've arrived!
- Wait till you see...
- Oh, the pictures. At last!
Look at this. And this one!
This is my favourite!
- Aren't they great pictures?
- You can see it's my T-shirt.
My T-shirt in Rio de Janeiro!
- Let's get started!
- No, we have to go.
- Now?!
- To the parent-teacher meeting.
- I won't go! I want to frame these.
- We're not framing anything.
We're going to
the parent-teacher meeting. - Morgan!
As things look right now,
I'm going to have to fail Morgan-
- in Swedish, English and Maths.
I see.
And then there's... There have
been a number of incidents.
In one instance, Morgan set fire
to a friend's winter jacket.
Morgan isn't stupid, he's just...
...very negative.
- He seems very unwilling.
- Of course you're willing!
I think it's best if children
are stimulated to want to study.
You have to try to stimulate Morgan.
Talk to him.
Show him all that's out there.
"Out there"?
- What page are you on?
- 74.
- 74... I'm on 71.
- Really?
This affair with Baiba Liepa
in chapter four...
Wasn't Inspector Wallander dating her
in The White Lioness?
I don't remember. I don't know.
Yes it is. It's the same woman
as in The White Lioness.
It's not important to the story.
You never know with Mankell.
I'm off to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Kiss kiss.
- Kiss kiss.
Hmm... Baiba...
It was The White Lioness.
Baiba...
The whole county is infested
with the Colorado potato beetle.
But don't panic. L've plenty of
fly spray in the garage.
Morgan, you need to be ready
in ten minutes.
- Eh?
- You're coming to work with me.
- I'm going out with Massoud.
- No, you're not.
It's Saturday. I'm meeting Massoud.
Let's see here...
This is the sewage basin, where
we take care of the pooh and stuff.
And here's our building!
This is where the old man works.
This is a different division.
They do their thing over there.
Here's the whole module:
This is the On/Off switch...
See?
Then it's code... code... and call.
- Central guard. This is Blom.
- Hi, Leffe! It's Christer.
5212 SSK. Is it OK if I go in,
even though it's Saturday?
L've brought my boy out
to get stimulated. Carrot, you know.
Er... say hello to the wife.
I'll just lock up then.
Look at this: "T-T".
"Tuesday, Thursday, Ten to Twelve."
T-T. Easy to remember.
I'm the first person people meet here.
I'm our public face.
I stand back here.
This is where your old dad works.
"Good day."
Good day. Just kidding.
Let's play a game!
You be a customer and I'll be me.
Take a number and I'll show you
how the whole process works.
Here, take this.
OK, you've just come in with that.
And you've taken a number, good.
Sit there and wait.
And I call out the numbers like this:
Number 35!
No one has number 35? Strange...
Taking a number
and then disappearing... Number 36!
- That's me!
- Number 36? Yes, that's correct.
Then we write you up in this folder.
The number should match.
This is the gate. Come on in.
Come in, come in. Have a seat
on the sofa. That's where we sit.
This is the cuddly-wuddly room.
It's where you can cuddle your pet.
You get a few minutes here
to cuddle and say goodbye.
Some people
are totally shaken and distraught.
And that's
where we have our coffee breaks.
- The contrast?
- He's so dark, they look light.
Don't you think Flavio
has changed a lot in just one year?
Yes, he's beautiful.
Anyway, I told him
that he has to make an effort.
- What beautiful teeth he's got!
- Why do I do everything at home?
I just keep wondering.
You're lucky to sponsor
such a handsome child.
This is where we go in.
To the left.
This is the heart
of the whole facility.
Put the bag down there.
That's the cremator.
A Tabo incinerator.
With a solid-cast hearth floor.
This is no pizza oven, believe me!
It goes up to 900 degrees.
It has an
incineration capacity of 112 kg.
This is where the ash comes out.
There you have it!
There...
I'll take that bag now.
We put it on the workbench...
Then I put on these safety gloves.
Kjell Levrén likes these -
red ones like Mum uses in the garden.
But I use black ones.
Now let's see what's in here.
Morgan, come here.
Come and have a look,
this is exciting.
There we are...
Look! It's one of those
Yorkshire terriers.
Feel this. Here you go, feel it.
Feel. See, it's not a dog anymore.
It's all tumor.
It's frozen,
but this is just pretend.
Now it's time for the shot.
This is Kjell's, Jan's and Dad's.
I take this
and put it behind the ear.
There. Look! Morgan!
Here. Look.
I put this in the neck.
Insert... empty the syringe...
and pull out.
There now. It's time for you to rest.
That's a good dog...
There! It's dead.
Now onto the conveyor...
Now let's go over here...
The thing is...
...when dogs die, someone has to
take care of them. That's our job.
I put them to sleep and burn them.
Not to be mean to them.
But someone has to do it.
And it's not just dogs.
It's also...
...rats... and pigeons
killed by the council.
Then there are smuggled puppies
seized by customs. And summer cats.
That's really common.
"We forgot the cat. Never mind..."
Bollocks. Out of the way!
Sod Jan, he's left it off-kilter.
Shit!
Shame I can't be there.
This is for the horses
They won't get this at all.
What did I write here?
Where's this from? Ah, who cares?
Lots of tape on this one. That
nail-biter will have to work for it!
That'll be number one.
A big, fat "1".
Fancy meal, there's that...
This is going great!
ORIENTAL FUNERAL
I was born 74 years ago in Gagnef.
My mother and aunts spun wool-
- and wanted nothing to do with men.
But they wanted a kid.
For that purpose they used
a German immigrant, Philip Schmidt.
He was a shopkeeper,
and he got to mount my mother.
He was never seen again.
But I came to be, and I grew up in
a lovely world of yarn and women.
They were handsome women.
I called them Mother Doris,
Mother Matilda and Mother Josefina.
Three mothers and no father.
I have such wonderful memories.
I'm five years old, sleeping naked
in Mother Doriss bed.
I hear giggles, and they all
come in with full vodka glasses-
- straight from the sauna.
They're warm and damp and happy.
They lie down next to me
and start kissing me.
"Dear little Sören," they say.
"You're the best boy in the world."
And they lie down naked in a row,
so I can roll back and forth-
- over their wonderful, soft bodies,
and I shout out:
"Hooray for Sören!
Hooray for Sören!"
And then I fall asleep, stretched
out across my beautiful mothers.
I don't think any boy
could ever be happier.
As an adult I've fallen asleep
that way many times, but...
...it was never the same
as with my mothers.
"Childhood pleasures are
adulthoods sorrows," as they say.
But I have had fun. It's fun making
babies, for example. I've had three.
I found their mother, Caroline,
in a clothing catalogue.
So I phoned the company.
"Hi, this is Sören H."
"I'd like the phone number to the bird
on page 55 in the polka-dot dress."
I took her to Torremelinos
for a bit of fun.
We had three kids before she died
of cancer in '83. She was lovely.
Three kids we had.
A Tony, a Mikael and a Kenneth.
You boys have plenty to do now the
old man’s dead. Or not really dead.
Ill cling to your miserable little
lives like a French perfume.
Mikael and his wife have some kind
of business selling lotions.
Anyway, Mikael is taking care
of my funeral.
What’s her name now...?
Lisa? Lisbeth? Whatever.
They're good people, anyway,
even if they look like sausages.
You can put it here. Perfect.
"Sören H. Lindberg washing
his vagina on Tiananmen Square"-
- by Ernst Billgren.
Joakim, do you have Arsey's number?
It's good. It has...
I see.
It's to hang over there.
- No, it's to go in the other room.
- No, it's to go there.
Johanna... She was my woman
the last ten years of my life.
What a tasty bird...
I've only ever had tasty birds.
There's Tony, my oldest. He just up
and disappeared ten years ago.
He had some kind of
football career up in Sundsvall.
He sat on the bench in a few
big games, but he never played.
For Gods sake, learn to laugh!
You take life way too seriously.
Laugh and enjoy life, damn it!
Then there's Kenneth, the baby.
Speedway driver with allergies.
I never really got to know Kenneth.
He was always shy and withdrawn.
Hell, I never wanted to know him.
It was hard enough
getting to know myself.
It's more fun getting to know yourself
than a boring old fart like him!
Hi there.
- Is Tony here?!
- Hasn't said a word in two weeks.
Hi, Tony!
- For God's sake!
- Tony, stop mooning people!
Johanna Bergström.
You didn't come down to greet him.
- Well, what do you want?
- What do you want?
Let me go!
Sören H. Lindberg is Swedens
all-time best jockey.
I've won everything
that can possibly be won-
- and bought all that can be bought.
But my dearest possessions are not
this gigantic farm or all my money.
What means the most to me
- the women and the horses...
Those are my dearest possessions.
Harness racing
is like riding in a taxi-
- except that you’re behind a horse
running around and around.
I don't know if its worth respect.
I respect people who spread joy.
Like the baker, chimney sweep and
Kikkoman - the inventor of soy sauce.
"Mikael Lindberg
will co-ordinate the ceremony"...
Screw the party,
I want to know who gets what?
Like who gets Pirog?
When do we find that out?
Maybe Pirog,
the pride of the stable.
He was a little tired
when we won the '83 Gran Premio-
- but I don't think
he ever really gave it his all.
He didn’t have to; He won anyway.
He'd won 25 million before we
turned him out to stud 12 years ago.
Today he's the most prized stud
in all Europe.
Whoever inherits Pirog
will never want for money again.
The harness racing is what has
allowed me to do what I want.
When I realised I could do
whatever I pleased-
- I blow-dried my hair up
into a little ball.
"The Cancer". A play in one act
by Sören H. Lindberg.
I got a play!
Is that all?
With age comes insight into what
we should have known in our youth.
If I'd known then what I know now,
I'd have had eight penises.
Take it easy, now...
I feel sick, too,
with you lot screaming!
Eight knobs hanging in a bunch
against my thigh.
Just think!
Kenneth!
- I need a toilet!
- Daddy, where's Granddad?
- Granddad is dead. Stone cold.
- You never told me!
There you go, Christer.
Watch your head.
Careful. Good. Let's turn around...
There. And down we go...
So when we got back to town,
everyone upped and went. Boring lot!
OK, watch your step.
Do you want me to help you?
Take care of yourself, Christer.
Welcome home!
Wait, let me help you! There.
You were supposed to come at 11.40!
It's only 11.30!
Let me help you...
Christer! What the hell...?
Here we are...
Morgan picked this out.
Let me help you.
I'll take that...
Let's see if it fits...
Yes, it's perfect!
Let's just put this over here.
There we go.
WORLD'S BEST DAD
Oh, that's way too hot!
We'll have something else first.
Could you leave the room?
I want to talk to Dad.
L've never cared much for appearance.
"For better or for worse," we said.
Things were good for a long time.
Now it's time for worse.
That's all there is to it.
We have a lovely garden, you and I.
Sorry, Christer. I just can't do this.
You boys will have to sort this
urination thing yourselves. - Morgan!
What shall we start with? I know, this!
Can you guess what this is?
No, I didn't think so. Look, you can
use it to reach your back!
You can scratch, or scrub,
or whatever!
I think I'll turn in.
There...
I don't see it as a sacrifice
being married to you.
Kiss kiss!
You're going to look terrible.
Everyone will think that, but they
won't say it; that's the worst part.
Eventually you'll long for someone to
say it instead of just looking away.
So the close relationships you have
now will be very important to you.
- I'll stand by him.
- That's good.
OK, then.
How do you feel? Tender?
I'm going to take off the collar
in one go. Ready?
Great! Good job, Christer.
That was the worst part.
There we go...
Is it OK?
Good job, you're a real fighter.
Now, one... two... three...
Do you want me to stop?
Now I'm going to pull this
over your head. That's the last of it.
You're doing great.
Good job, Christer.
Now it's over. Good job.
There's a mirror over there
if you want to have a look.
- Hi, Janne.
- We've brought you some friends.
- How many?
- Three today.
Christer, can you manage?
Do you want some help?
No!
Have you thought about
where your job is leading? I mean...
Just relax...
I mean, it's been a while
since you worked in...
It would give Jan a chance to learn
how to... deal with customers.
So I thought you could rotate.
Switch places.
He could learn about customers
and about being our public face.
Well? Because it's important for him
to be our public face now and then.
I mean, our public representative.
Good. Then...
That's that, then.
So anyway. What else is new?
Anna!
- Mådan! Hi!
- It's been ages! How nice to see you!
- How are you?
- Fine, just fine.
I'm just looking at the calla lilies.
Look, I saw Christer
in the sweetshop the other day.
- How is he?
- He was picking up a package.
It must be very difficult.
Yes, it was crazy
to close down the post office.
I mean with Christer.
He's just fine.
So is Flavio. Everything's normal.
It's our turn.
We were at the vet's in Denmark.
He didn't know if Max needs to be
put to sleep, so he sent us here.
- Eh?
- We've been to the vet's in Denmark.
And he told us to come here
and ask if he has to be put to sleep.
But... we can't make that decision.
A veterinarian
must make that decision.
But he sent us here.
If you're putting him to sleep,
we have a price list...
I just want to know
if he has to be put to sleep!
What shall we do with the ostrich?
Can we put it in whole?
Should we slice it up?
It escaped from an ostrich farm.
It ran out on the E65
and got flattened by a lorry.
I don't see
why they can't build proper fences.
What else is new?
Sent in your pools coupon?
MASTHUGGET
GOTHENBURG
It's right there at Korsvägen.
You should take the tram.
What is this? Why are they
never finished before it's our turn?
OK, ladies, prancing-time over!
Hello...
- I bet they don't know the schedule.
- I have a class to teach here.
Olle is buying today. It might take
a while, the off-licence was crowded.
- Hi, everybody!
- Hi, Ernst.
- The dart guy is Holger, right?
- No idea.
- I don't want to say the wrong name.
- What a piquant odour!
The air isn't so fresh after their
class. They jump around and stuff.
There's a guy at work
who smells really bad.
I think sweat is unpleasant.
I never sweat.
No... but it's not...
It's from his mouth.
- His breath is horrendous.
- That's disgusting!
You shouldn't have to suffer
for his poor hygiene. Say something.
That's not something you can...
- I'm not used to these, you know.
- Jesus...
- Can you help me with this?
- Of course.
- You've got hold of the crutch?
- Yes.
- You should have told us!
- What happened?
It's not as bad as it looks.
Shall we get started?
It's really Ernst's turn to start.
But I think Olle should start
by telling us what happened.
I was mugged.
- Attacked.
- That’s terrible!
He took my wallet
and a necklace I was wearing.
Then he disappeared.
Aren’t you angry?
If you're so bad off that
you have to mug someone for money...
I feel sorry for him.
- That's not relevant.
- Why hate a man with such problems?
- You think you deserved to be mugged?
- Of course not.
It sounds like middle-class guilt
and strong self-hatred to me.
You've picked an interesting wine.
This bearded man is so... happy.
He makes me happy.
- Ernst, it's your turn.
- OK...
I've been thinking
about something this week.
My blandness versus my charisma.
- Ernst...
- I sit in cafés unnoticed for hours.
Then... another time I come
and all eyes turn to me.
- Must we listen to this again?
- Yes, as long as I have the timer.
We've agreed on certain rules here.
You made up that timer rule yourself!
- Yeah, knock it off!
- Rule 1: We all get to say our piece.
- But it has to be relevant.
- Relevance is relative.
It has to be about
a personal problem you have.
And I'm saying
I'm both bland and charismatic.
What you're saying is
that you're very self-centred.
I just can't forget
this charisma thing.
- Can someone open a window for me?
- Of course.
Last week you told us about
your relationship with Premilla.
I'm curious, as I'm sure we all are,
about how that's going...
- Great. It's going great.
- Is it?
It's going very well.
Just the other day, Premilla suggested-
- that we find ways
of improving our sex lives.
That we should... do whatever
we want with each other.
We... decided to put ourselves
entirely into the other's hands-
- so we could live out some fantasy.
"Sure," I said.
I let her start.
She tied my hands to the bedstead.
And she went over my whole body,
in detail, from toe to top.
She lingered for a long time
at my scrotum-
- which she licked with slow,
eager movements. She was crazy!
I felt a little tense at first,
but then it was my turn.
I tied her up, too. Good and proper.
Come on, come on, tell us!
Then I poured Frosties in her cunt
and fucked her hard, hard, hard.
- Frosties?
- Yes, the breakfast cereal.
Well, I'll be damned!
It was nice.
You're making it up!
It's just your wanking fantasy!
Yes, and that's just fine.
Oh, Johan...!
Is it true, what Ernst said?
Were you just making that up?
He made it up.
Yeah...
- It's like this...
- Wait, I'm not done erasing.
There. Go ahead.
Well, I tied her up,
fairly loosely, then...
...licked her down there
until she was done.
Or pretended to be done.
Then it got quiet...
...and I fell asleep.
So you didn't dare
to do what you wanted to?
L've given up the idea
of satisfying sex in real life.
It's more like a kind of game.
A polite game.
You ought to open the packet of eel.
You can't put eel and meat together;
it turns out weird.
There's some weird kind of glue,
almost like plaster.
They're not soggy,
they're really crispy!
Oh, you made them!
Mauritius? Interesting.
I was there in 97. When are you off?
- This Christmas.
- During the rainy season?
- Did you pay for both tickets?
- Yes.
- Why?
- He's a student, he can't afford it.
It was the same thing with your last
boyfriend. Why do you always pay?
I don't always pay. My last two
boyfriends just haven't had jobs.
There's nothing odd about that.
Previously, you've said that you were
nervous about long trips.
- What if you shared expenses?
- But he can't afford it.
Couldn't you go somewhere
he could afford, and split the cost?
Maybe, but I don't want to.
Cheaper places are boring and cheap.
I want to go to an expensive,
enjoyable place.
- You never let anyone else pay?
- No, I always pay.
What if I offered you
a huge seafood platter?
- Why?
- Because I want to.
- But what do you want from me?
- Nothing. Your company.
- Say an oval platter with oysters...
- God, that sounds good!
Belon, a dozen... Not lobster,
but langoustes from the Mediterranean.
I was at a restaurant in Paris...
Hello, good morning.
- Oh, isn't this nice!
- Welcome to our family breakfast.
Have a seat.
- This is for family only.
- I just want a cup of coffee.
You know, I think
you're even prettier today, Smulan!
- How's the magic business?
- Fine.
Can you understand my Danish?
- Is it still fun?
- It's our job.
Are you kangaroos too?
I'll also take my breakfast
on the beach.
But Mum!
We were going to eat together!
In that case, I'm done.
Thanks for a lovely breakfast.
Perikles!
- What, are you off too?
- What? No! No...
A Magical Evening
- Did you get the lamb out?
- Yes.
So it will be thawed by dinner.
I put it on your side.
I thought it would be unsanitary
to have it in the kitchen.
Hi there...
Don't take this the wrong way,
Jan-Erik...
...but I'd like
to take you to Africa.
Every day could be our last.
Perikles, come let me show you
the stage entrance.
What the hell...?
Mum! Stop that now!
Hi, Dad!
May I come in?
Just kidding.
Er... it's like this...
You buy a hotel.
You renovate it.
It turns out nice.
You create a pleasant place.
What's this?!
Dad... Can't we try
to maintain a certain decorum here?
Can't we?
That's... that's great.
Nice to...
Just great.
What the hell... Dad!
We fly fishers
want a partner on the hook.
That’s not easy. The partner likes
to stay on land with a hot thermos.
Johan.
Oh, hi!
No, I'm in the car
on my way to class.
It's like a cooking class.
We get together and eat...
...and talk.
- Hello! How are you?
- Just fine...
Hold back... Not yet... Not yet.
Get with it! Not yet.
Now!
The other day I was in the cellar
retouching old school photos.
I had such a strange
haircut back then.
The nice thing is
you can change your past, and I have.
So now I've always been this way.
What's troubling is
that it was a perfectly normal cut.
I once had a cut like that.
- I looked like all the other boys.
- Can't you just accept who you were?
- What do you mean?
- Why lie about the past?
I can accept things. But the photo is
not of how I want to see myself then.
Let me show you...
This is my school photo.
I took a pen and retouched it
a little, added some lines...
This is how I looked
when I think of myself then.
But that's a pussycat.
I don't understand...
I'm serious. When I look back on
those days, that's how I looked.
You can't change a photo.
That's rewriting history.
- L've put things right.
- A photo doesn't lie!
So you mean the photo is truth
and my pussycat is a lie?
- Yes.
- Rubbish.
But here...
Look, this is a photo.
- What is this?
- My wife.
- Oh, little Premilla! Let's see!
- That's my wife Premilla.
That's exactly what she looks like.
Twenty years from now,
it will still be how she looks today.
- So this is how she looks?
- Exactly how she looks.
- Exactly?
- Yes.
You don't think she's small and flat?
- It's a small photo.
- And she has no body.
Interesting wife. - Johan's wife
has no body and lives in a wallet.
My school photo didn't measure up.
I had to change it.
- Because your haircut was normal?
- It screams conformity.
And what have you done
this week, Jenny?
I was a bit nasty to a girl at work.
I didn't mean anything by it,
it just happened.
God, there's a lot here!
I'll be working overtime all week.
- Do you have any New Year plans?
- New Year? That's six months away.
But I don't know, I was thinking
I might go skiing in Are.
- That sounds like fun.
- It's nice to get away from it all.
If I go with some friends,
do you want to come?
I'd love that! It'd be great!
We could ski a little and just relax.
- We could rent a big cabin!
- And have big dinners!
- And make out with guys.
- At the after-ski party.
Have you been to an after-ski party?
It's horrible.
Like at Harleys, only five times
worse. But skiing is fun.
- Yeah.
- You like skiing?
I hate it.
Silly clothes and a bunch of kids.
- I thought you wanted to go.
- And ski? No, I just want to drink.
- You mean go away and party?
- Yeah.
That's an idea.
But I wouldn't go to Are for that.
And absolutely not at New Year.
It's a geek-fest there.
- So you don't want to go to Are?
- No, what do you think?
Are is a big fat joke.
Maybe we can do something here.
But I think I already have plans.
We can talk about it later.
- You did that? That's mean.
- I know.
But I don't see myself as mean.
I don't want to be.
- It's fun to be mean.
- When you know you've got them!
You can manipulate them...
It's like juggling.
But with people's feelings.
- It sounds like fun.
- I think it sounds destructive.
Olle...
Is there anything
you feel guilty about?
Of course. Tons of things.
The worst thing is
that I broke up my family.
I worked too much, spent too much
time on my career instead of them.
I was unfaithful.
I feel very guilty
about that sometimes.
And that I have no contact with
my wife anymore. Or my daughter.
- Did you leave your wife?
- No, she left me.
- Why?
- She caught me with someone else.
- What did you do?
- Packed my things and left.
No... She packed her things and left.
- Let go of her!
- I'm letting go.
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
- My wife got custody of her.
- Why?
I didn't have time; I worked
all the time. Yes, I have regrets.
I just couldn't make it work.
- So you chose...
...my career.
- When did you last see her?
- Not since then.
It's unbelievable...
"No, leave silly Cancer."
- No, leave silly Cancer.
- Good!
- "The funny ball in the funny park."
- The funny ball in the funny park.
When I was 64,
I went through an identity crisis.
Was it really a good idea,
this polygamist lifestyle-
- with all these women
running around everywhere?
Was it really good
to grow up with three mothers?
No, I decided.
So I decided to spend the rest
of my life with one woman.
That was Johanna.
And I've never regretted that.
Johanna Bergström...
I think these crises help people
to mature properly.
If someone makes a giant painting
of themselves like that...
...how do you beat that?
You make an even bigger painting.
And hang it
in front of the first one.
You mustn't do that again.
I want you to respect me.
That goes without saying.
Respect.
That's really important.
Have you seen her, do you want to?
- You'll see, Dad.
This will be my party.
Hi...
Look what I've got for you.
Have you seen my pretty cow...
What the hell...
- I...
- What are you doing? What's that?
- A pair of... horse jeans.
- Horse jeans?
- For Pirog.
- You're going to put jeans on him?
That's what it said
in the envelope from Dad.
It's not a good idea to put jeans on
a horse if you're scared of horses.
No...
Someone else will have to do it.
- Someone else will have to do it.
- Right.
All right?
- I haven't seen that in a long time.
- What?
You nodding like that.
- Remember when I played hockey?
- Yep.
- Remember how bad I was at it?
- Yep.
When Dad came to watch, if I screwed up,
I looked up to him for support.
And he always looked away.
But not you.
You just nodded like that.
That felt good.
I'm so bloody nervous, Tony.
I need you there tomorrow.
That look. It feels good.
Hi there, boy.
Hi. We're going to get dressed up.
What a great funeral party
its going to be.
What you don't know
is that Sören H. Lindberg-
- will rise from the dead.
Eight penises hanging like grapes
against my thigh, what joy!
But what kind of jeans
would I wear?