Four Rooms (1995) - full transcript

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We used to have 50 on staff here. 50.

I'm the only one left.

All comes down to one schmuck.
Me, the night shift bellhop.

What the hell is that? A bellhop?
Huh? What is he?

You know where the name
comes from? Huh?

It's so simple, it's stupid.

Some schmuck rings a bell
and you hop.

You hop, front and centre.

Did you ever meet any
of the old stars then?

What are you kidding?

I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit,
for Christ's sakes.



Oh, shit, you talk about stars...

Hey, kid, put this on.

Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.
Come on, come on, come on.

Let me see. Let me see.

You know, to think that
I wore that stupid thing for 50 years.

To think I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.
Yeah, well...

Well, kid, I'm getting
my ass out of here.

Yep.

Yep, kid, got to go.

Listen, kid, stay clear
of night clerks, kids,

hookers and married arguments.

Come on, stand up. Come on.
I wanna say goodbye.

Now, let me see. You...
You wanna get a tip?

Hold your hand out.



That's right. Now, smile.

Give me a smile. Give me a smile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay you,
you say to yourself, "Fuck you, Jack."

You know what I mean?
You never miss.

Tell you something else.
Keep your cock in your pants.

May I help you?

I have a reservation.

In the honeymoon suite.

Kiva.

Wait up.

What'd I tell you about smoking?

- You smoke.
-That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.

So, welcome to this week's edition
of "Who is a hypocrite?"

- This is my first guest...
-That's enough, Kiva.

- You're not my mother.
-Yes, I am.

Then why are we sleeping together?

Yes.

Thank you.

Oh, you little stinker

Oh, you sweet little muffin

Yes, mama loves the baby.

Hello.

I'm looking for the room
for making love.

Oh, right.
You must mean the honeymoon suite.

Well, it's straight that way.
Can't miss it.

I know where it is.

I just wanted you to know
that I know where I'm going,

so you needn't bother with me.

Well, no problem.
Where's your luggage?

I travel light.

Tell me, how long have
the others been here?

About an hour. One hour.

You're very late, Eva.

I'm sorry, Athena.
I was attending a birth.

The placenta was late in coming.

Which birth is more
important to you, Eva,

that of a mortal, or that of a goddess?

Will there be anything else, ladies?

Wait. We do need some things.

We need fresh rosemary
from the kitchen.

Mostly what we need
is from the kitchen.

Hey! Are you listening?

Rosemary.

We need sea salt,
a little bit of sea salt.

Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt.

A bottle of spring water,
French, not that Italian shit.

Yes, and could I have
some French fries?

Shut up, Kiva.

Some ginger and some raw meat.
Liver, if you have it.

I want fries, you stupid jerks
with your dumb fucking ritual.

Shut up, you little shit!

Hey. Don't talk to her that way.

There's nothing else?

Thank you.

We're communing here
on New Year's Eve

to bring to life the great goddess Diana,

who was turned into stone
in this very room

40 years ago today.

Diana, oh, great beautiful one,

we make these offerings to you,

so that we may undo the wicked spell
which deprived you

of the seed of your lover,

of your virginal blood,

of your very life.

We now form the symbolic rock
with our bodies.

On this night, in this hour,
we call upon the ancient power.

Oh, goddess bride, we offer thee milk

from a mother's sweet titty.

To reverse this evil
which has been done,

I make this offering to the divine one.

A whore not, an innocent was,

for whom I seized a virgin's blood.

Goddess of light, goddess of lust,
to undo this awful spell is a real must.

To bring you life and get you high,

I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.

Oh, Diana. Oh, Great One,
we live without sun.

Until this wicked curse is undone.

In hope that you appear,
I have collected a year's worth of tears.

Goddess Diana, fail you, I will.

I was to bring you fresh sperm
from my Bill.

I had him erect,
and his semen would follow,

but alas, I was hot,
so hot that I swallowed.

You stupid witch!

- You swallowed the sperm? You did?
-Why didn't you use your hands?

Well, it just goes to show you what an
amazing lack of control you have, Eva.

Didn't your mama teach you
not to put them things in your mouth?

I understand, though.

Eva, you got one hour
to find me some sperm,

one hour to show me
what kind of a witch you can be.

You hear me?

Ted, the Bellhop.

Mr Bellboy, come right in.

Okay, Mister.

Here is your $50 tip,
only you have to do one more thing.

You have to make our little Eva smile.

We'll leave you alone.

Don't use your mouth.

Help me out here.
I've got to earn this 50 bucks.

Look, they don't care if I smile or not.

They just want...

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

I've been around a bit, you know.

Well,

the five of us, Athena, Jezebel,
Raven, Elspeth and me, are a coven.

Like a coven of witches?

Yes.

You see, for 40 years we've been
trying to reverse an evil spell

that was placed on our goddess Diana.

She was a beautiful virgin,

an entertainer by trade,
but a great sorceress by design.

It was here, in this very room,
on her wedding night

that a jealous rival
placed this curse on Diana.

Her husband was turned
into a pink fish,

while our dear goddess,

a stone in her honeymoon bed.

This was Diana.

She's the blonde.

Right.

Well now.

I say.

Well.

Hate to tell you this,
but I kind of doubt she was a virgin.

She had lovers,
but she saved that for marriage.

If she doesn't get his goop
in 10 minutes,

I'm gonna go in there and get it myself.

That'd be a first for you.

You mean, you were
supposed to bring...

And you...

And now, you're my last chance.

No way.

Nope.

Besides,

it's against hotel policy.

I was warned.

"No sex with the clientele."

See, what I really wanna do
is be a midwife.

I've attended four births already.

I can prevent vaginal tears
and everything.

Really? That's good.

Yes. A fellow doesn't like
too many surprises down there.

I joined the coven to obtain greater
understanding of my feminine powers.

Oh, really?

Seems to be working.

You really think so?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Betty's gonna kill me.

Who's Betty?

- The boss.
-Oh, good.

Oh, God.

My number in Topanga.

Call me?

Sure, baby. I'll call you.

What's that used for?

This is... It's a birch branch.
It symbolises eternal life.

- I'm a woman now.
-Marvellous.

I'll use this bark for a tea
which assists in astral travel.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I wanna be a witch.

- Great.
-Okay.

You are.

We did it right there,
in the big cauldron.

Great. Great.

Athena.

Goddess Diana, I offer to you
the jism of the one I wooed for you,

so you may live and know such bliss,
as getting laid by a guy like this.

So mote it be.

Three times three times three.

Just a minute! Yeah!

Room service.

Wait. What room is this?

This is the front desk, sir.

- What room we in?
-I don't know, man. I just got here.

404. It's Room 404, I think.

Look, I thought we were
on the fifth floor.

All right! 409. Yeah.

Sir?

Hey, is he talking to me?

Look, 404. We're in Room 404.

- What do you need, sir?
-What do we need? What do we need?

-Ice.
-lce.

-Ice.
-lce?

-Ice.
-Yeah, ice!

Right, sir. 404, sir. Ice, sir.
I'll be with you momentarily.

Disco.

Hello.

Anybody there?

What'd you expect, Theodore,
a fucking floor show?

Is this Room 404?

Obviously,
I've come at a very bad time.

Let's not beleaguer the fact that
you have no sense of timing.

The fact is, you're here,

and I couldn't think of
a better time for you

to introduce me to your beau
than on New Year's Eve.

There's obviously been a big mistake.

- My name is Theodore.
-Yes.

I'm the bellhop.

Lover boy.

Let's cut to the chase, okay?

Is this about another man
or something?

Let's get our ABC's right,
here, Theodore.

Theodore, right?

Ted's better.

Ted.

Okay.

Are you saying my wife cheats on me?

Come here.

Theodore.

This is about as intimate
a situation as you can get.

You, me, Angela here.

Pretty cosy, isn't it?

I demand an apology.

Oh, shit!

What?

We ain't got no needles here, kid,
just a big fucking gun.

How's that grab you?

Now...

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I remember.

Now...

Give me that. Give me that. No.
Bad idea. Say the following.

Come here. Come here.

II ' II

\: oi

-"Theodore..."
-Theodore...

-"Must humbly..."
-Humbly...

- Humbly! Humbly!
-Humbly! Humbly! Humbly!

-"And sincerely..."
-And sincerely...

-"Apologise..."
-Apologise...

- Apologise! Apologise.
-Apologise.

-"For saying..."
-For saying...

"Saying that I fucked another man."

That...

"Saying that I fucked another man!"

Saying that I fucked another man.

Right.

Satisfied?

Do you accept the fucking apology?

You always have to have
the last word, Angela.

It's just one way with you.

May I...

Shit, yeah. Come on, come on.
Spit it out.

I don't mean to upset you further, sir,

but I do think
she was trying to say, "Yes."

Are you condescending to me,
Theodore?

Absolutely not, sir.

Don't you think I noticed
there's a gag in the woman's mouth?

You know why I know that?

How, sir?

Because I put that gag in her mouth!

Don't move a nose hair.

Don't be a stranger, Teddy!
Take off your jacket and relax!

What?

We don't have time to play charades
here, you asshole. Untie me.

- Listen!
-Jesus, honey!

- I would appreciate it...
-Where'd you put the Percodan?

...if you would tell that
nutcase in there,

he's making a big fucking mistake.

Look, whether you like it or not,

you are in the middle
of a situation here

you cannot just wish your way out of.

But, I've never met you people before!

You're complete strangers!

Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted.
It's where we end up that counts.

- You being a good boy, Theodore?
-Quick. He's coming back.

Put the gag back in my mouth.
Look, we play this game all the time.

Just play by the rules
and you won't get hurt. Quick!

Come on, put the gag back
in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick.

Remember, don't make him mad.

I hope you're being a good boy, Teddy.

- Teddy!
'whOQps!

I was just beginning to think
I could trust you, Theodore.

Just trying to help her breathe a little.

Well, don't let me stop you, Teddy.

You don't mind my calling you Teddy,
do you?

No, it's fine.

You know, once upon a time,
I had a little bunny rabbit.

His name was Teddy.

He looked real cute nibbling
on Angela's ear.

But you're no bunny rabbit,

and picturing you do it,
really fucking razzes me.

But don't let me stop you.

Nibble, Teddy.

If this is some kind of
weird voodoo thing

and you want me to
have sex with your wife,

there's absolutely no way.

Start nibbling, motherfucker!
Now! Now!

Come on.

That's it. Hop like a bunny.

Don't be shy.

Good boy.

What's the problem, Sparky?

No whiz left in the cheese?

Look, I'm not playing
this game any more.

It'll be over soon.

Then you can go home
to mommy, Theodore.

Ted!

The name's Ted.

Yes, my mother did the me the service
of naming me Theodore,

and I haven't a clue
as to how you know that,

because everybody who knows that
is thousands of fucking miles away.

Have you any idea, the faintest idea,

what it's like to arrive at school

and find yourself surrounded
by the maladjusted?

And there you stand.

Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Ever worn a bonnet?
Give it a try sometime.

So shoot me now,

because no one is
ever going to call me

Theodore again, let alone Theo,

the thumper.

Wow.

Sigfried.

What?

That's my name.

- Sigfried.
-Sigfried?

Nice to meet you.

Very impressive,

- Ted.
-Thank you.

It's a deal, kid. Ted it will be.

My heart!

My nitro pills in the bathroom! Quick!

Hurry!

Next to the condoms!
It may be in my medicine bag!

This is it!

This is the big one, Angie!

Dear God!

Someone turn on the lights!

- Nitro.
-Oh, baby, I got the chills!

I can't feel my leg! It's gone numb!

Where's the fucking white lightning?

Quick get a rabbi!

Help me!

- No time to take a leak! I'm dying here!
-Help! Help!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Good evening.

I'm stuck in a situation here

which I couldn't possibly
begin to explain.

But I was wondering, do you think
you could call the police, sir?

Are you all right, sir? Sir?

Ice.

Sigfried?

Oh, my God! Sigfried!

Angela!

- Where is the fucking nitro?
-Couldn't find it.

What do you mean,
you couldn't find it?

Untie me! I'll find it!

It's your fault he's so upset!
Now he's dying!

I'll get some help!

I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted?

Sigfried!

Thank God, you're okay!

You bastard.

Honey.

Don't get mad. It was just a little test.

And I'm glad that I did it,

because now I know
you love me forever, truly.

And deeply.

Well, if the simple fact that I didn't
want your bloated, dead body

lying out on the floor is love,

then no wonder we find ourselves
as we are at this very fucking moment.

Oh, no.
I heard genuine care in your voice.

Can't be denied, can it, Ted?

I think you're right,

and if you just keep this
kind of open dialogue going,

I think you'll go a long way
to resolving this misunderstanding.

You'd be surprised
what happens if people just listen

without succumbing to
all that pain and anger.

You heard shit, monkey boy.

Easy for you to say after
you fuck another man's wife.

You should at least have the guts
to stand behind your convictions.

She's lying, Sigfried. I swear to God.

You know, when I think of
all the times you were inside me,

promising me a better life,
it makes me wanna puke.

Why are you doing this to me?

What have I ever done to you people?

What didn't you do, stick man?

Unfortunately, you don't have the balls

to back up the actions
of your huge cock.

No, no, no.

He's got a huge cock?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Show it to me.

It's not that big.

Put it this way.

God made up for what he did
to Gumby with Teddy here.

Show it to me!

Show him your cock, Theodore.

Please stop talking about his cock!

Well, it's hard to stop talking
about something that's so huge.

I mean, I could go on and on
about his cock,

his bone, his knob, his bishop,

wang, thang, rod, hot rod, humpmobile,

Oscar, dong, dagger, banana,
cucumber, salami,

sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink,
tool, Big Ben, Mr Happy, Peter,

pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee,
wiener, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,

middle leg, third leg, meat,
stick, joystick, dipstick,

one-eyed wonder, junior, little head,
little guy, rumple foreskin, Tootsie roll,

love muscle, skin flute,
Roto-Rooter, snake...

Please don't go!

Hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka,
rubber chubby, sticky stubby...

Hey, do you know where
Room 404 is, man?

'Cause I was up at this party, and...

I have absolutely no idea!

Schmeckle, schmuck, wand,
ying-yang, yang...

- What?
-I'm Theodore.

Well, you're right on time, Theodore.

Let's not beleaguer the fact
that you have no sense of timing.

The fact is

you're here.

Front desk.

Bottle of champagne. Fast.

Stand still.

I said stand still.
You're gonna ruin your suit.

Come here. Come here.

Give me that.

Let me see.

There. There, you see? You see?

You look cool
with your hair back like this.

Like me. Like me.

Not down and to the side, all stupid,
like your mother likes to comb it.

No. No.

Like this.

Impossible.

You've got your mother's hair.
You can't do anything with it.

There. Go. Go.

How did you get your hair
in such a tangled mess, huh?

There. Go. Finished.

Are we gonna have fun tonight?

I didn't think so.

Hey.

What about leaving the kids here?

Here in the room, all by themselves?

No, with the television.

You wanna have fun tonight, don't you?

Yes.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

Hey.

You kids are gonna stay here,
watching TV.

I want you to be in bed
and asleep before 12:00.

12:00.

Your mother and I will be back
later on, maybe.

Don't misbehave.

Why do we have to get all dressed up
if we weren't going with them?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

I'm escaping. It stinks in here, anyway.

What did I say?

Behave.

Yes, Papa.

The champagne you ordered, sir.

Too late. Leave it on ice.

But I want some now.

There'll be plenty for you
at the party, baby.

You can bomb yourself
all you want at the party.

Put it down. Put it down.

All right.

Do you want 500 bucks?

Sure.

How about three?

- Three hundred dollars?
-Yeah.

- Three's fine.
-Good.

My children are staying here
tonight watching TV.

I want you to check up on them
every 30 minutes.

Check up on them?

Yeah, make sure they're all right.
Make sure they're fed.

Make sure they go to bed.
You know, these things.

Sir, I can send out for
a baby-sitting service.

No. I don't trust baby-sitters.

My children are safer alone,

than with some fucked-up
paedophile baby-sitter that

I don't know from the man
in the fucking moon.

What about him?

What makes you think
you can trust him?

Tell me that's not a face you can't trust.

I'd love to help you
with your problem, sir,

but unfortunately
I'm here alone tonight.

One hundred, 200, 300. Here you are.

- I thought you said $500.
-No, I said $300.

No, sir. I distinctly heard you say $500.

- Are you calling me a liar?
-No, sir.

What I'm saying is that

you accidentally forgot
that the first thing you said...

But what I last said was $300,
and what you say last is what counts.

Well, then, if you say $500
one last time, we have a deal.

- You fucking with me, pendejo?
-No, sir, but I'm by myself,

and looking after your kids
is a pain in the ass I don't need.

Are you calling my kids
a pain in the ass?

Why, no, sir, not the kids.

It's the situation
that is a pain in the ass.

No, you were right the first time.
They're a pain in the ass.

All right. You win, tough guy. $500.

You kids are getting expensive.

What's your name? Ted.

If you need anything,
just dial zero and ask for Ted.

And make sure they're
in bed before midnight.

Before midnight?

Then should I wake them up
for the countdown to the New Year?

- No.
-No.

If something happens to my children...

I wouldn't want to be you.

Don't misbehave.

Let's get out of here.

Okay.

These are the rules.

Don't break the rules
and I won't break your necks.

I always wanted to say that.

Someone said that to me
when I was a kid.

Only they weren't joking.

The rules are simple.

Don't do anything you wouldn't do
if your parents were here.

If there's an emergency,

call me on the phone
like your dad said. Thank you.

That's not what he said.
He said to call you if we need anything.

Well, I have a lot of work to do,
and I can't have you calling me

every time you want
a glass of water, so please,

try and limit your calls
to emergencies only.

- Thank you.
-We paid you $500.

We'll call you if we need anything.

You don't wanna get my dad mad.

Well, try and call only when necessary.

Watch TV, and if you're good,
I'll bring you up some milk and cookies.

Bye, now.

Your feet stink.

They don't stink.

Check it out! T&A.

Change it.
You're not supposed to watch this.

- We're supposed to watch TV.
-Not this kind of TV. Change it.

Leave me alone.

That hurts.

Front desk.

- Ted?
-What did I tell you?

Don't bother me
and you'll get milk and cookies.

Now, do you want them or do you not?

I want you to turn off
the nudie station in our room.

I cannot turn on an adult station

without the express permission
of your parents.

No, not turn it on. Turn it off.

It's already on.

That's not what the machine tells me.

Well, stop listening to the machine
and listen to me.

There's naked ladies
dancing on my TV,

and I want them off.

Like I said, I'll be up later
to put you both to sleep.

Goodbye.

Change the channel now!

Man, you're the one
with the stinky feet.

They don't stink.

- Yeah, they do.
-No, they don't.

Here, smell for yourself.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Get a bottle opener.

Don't shake it.

- Front desk.
-Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.

Who died? No one? Good.
Then don't call me.

I just thought I'd tell you that your
cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.

There's all kinds of leftover stuff here.
Needles and things.

We're not supposed
to have needles, are we?

I mean, they don't come
with the room, do they?

Send someone up here
to clean this place up right.

I told you not to shake it!

I gotta go.

My dumb brother just exploded
the champagne all over the room.

Oh, and bring us up
a couple of toothbrushes.

There's a card
in the bathroom that says

you'll bring us free toothbrushes
if we ask for them.

I'm calling a room.
Give me three numbers.

Four... Zero... Nine.

- Hell0?
- What?

Hi. You don't know me,
and I don't know you either,

but do you have any needles?

We have needles here,
and I was wondering

if they come with the room or not.

We ain't got no needles here, kid.

- No?
- Just a big fucking gun.

Just checking.

This is the bull's-eye.
It's worth 100 points.

This is worth 10 points.
This is worth 20 points.

This is worth...

Hey, wait till I get out of the way!

This is how an expert throws it.

Hello, kiddie-winkies.
I brought your milk and cookies.

You're going to have
to eat them now, because...

You're going to sleep.

We have to go to sleep now?

Your parents said to put you to bed
before midnight.

Well...

Maybe this way, you'll leave me alone.

Those aren't milk and cookies.

Well, we ran out of cookies,
so I brought you milk and saltines.

Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.
You're going to bed.

They're old.

Dip them in the milk.
The milk will make them soft.

No crackers?

Sleepy time.

Now, I don't want you
wandering around,

so if you need the rest room...

What about our pyjamas?

You wanna look nice in case
there's an earthquake, don't you?

- Yeah.
-Well, then stay in those clothes.

This is some Mentholatum ointment.

Now, under the covers

and close your eyes,
and I'll tell you a story.

Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,
doesn't trust them.

Well, can't say I blame him, really.

You know what my baby-sitter
did to me when I was a kid?

I used to hate going to sleep.

You know, it's late, you wanna get up,
run around, go crazy.

Well, what my baby-sitter
used to do to me,

to make sure I'd stay in bed,
not be tempted to get up,

was she'd take some of
this vapour rub ointment...

And she'd dab a little on each eyelid,

just to make sure I'd stay put.

There. Now you have some, too.

Don't open your eyes
or it'll burn, burn, burn.

What about in the morning?

Well, if you keep your
eyes shut tight all night,

it'll wear off by morning,
but don't open them before then.

Did you ever open your eyes?

Yes, I did, and look at me now.

- We can't.
-Exactly. Good.

You'll do fine.

Sleep tight all night...

And I won't tell your parents
about the champagne.

Good night.

Are you watching TV?

Yep. If you wanna watch,
you better go wash your face.

Be careful.

Give me that!

Hey, what are you doing?

Shut up.

- Ted!
-What do you want now,

for Christ's sakes? Who died?

I don't know, but she's in my bed.

- What?
-There's a dead body in my bed.

Nonsense!
That's just your brother sound asleep!

No! There's a woman's dead body
inside the bed, in the mattress.

- You saw the body?
-Yes!

Impossible!
You've got the ointment on your eyes.

You can't see shit! Now go to sleep!

- Go to sleep!
-I washed it off.

- The Mentholatum?
-Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that?

Get your ass up here
and call the police,

because there's
a dead body in my bed,

and it smells like shit,
and it looks even worse.

And if you don't help us,

my dad is going to lay you
down right next to her,

I swear to fucking God!

I am coming up there right this minute

and if there isn't a dead body
in that room by the time I get up there,

I'm gonna make one! You!

Little bitch.

Shit!

Cover it up. Cover it up.

Thank you.

Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is going on here?

Your parents are on their way up here.

And I am not
taking responsibility for this mess!

- Check under the mattress.
-For what?

- For the body. Can't you smell it?
-it's your feet.

What the fuck is that?

Police! It's an emergency!

Police! Get someone over here,
right fucking now.

There's a dead whore

-stuffed in the mattress!
-Don't call her that.

Shut up! I'm dead fucking serious.

There's a dead fucking whore

-stuffed in the bed. The fucking bed!
-Stop calling her that!

Fuck!

Did they misbehave?

Emergency?

Just...

Happy new year.

Let me speak to Betty.

Party's over. She probably went home.

She lives there!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.

Well, then get her on the phone.
Tell her it's an emergency.

Who should I say is calling?

You tell her it's Teddy
from work on the phone.

I got some major fucking emergency.

Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret.

You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of new years?

No, Margaret. This hasn't been
my happiest new year.

This one's starting off
pretty fucking badly.

How come?

Well, Betty

leaves me here all by myself,
and first thing, right off the bat,

I'm fucked by a coven of witches.

You were fucked
by an oven full of witches?

A coven of witches! Not an oven!

Well, one witch in particular.

Was she an old hag with a mole
on her face with hair growing out of it?

No, no, she was very beautiful.

Ted!

What's the problem?

Well, admittedly, that was
the best part of the evening.

It was pretty bloody good, actually.

But it's still a pretty unnerving
way to start off the night.

Sounds like a pretty great way
to start off the night to me.

Why don't we just
skip over the witches?

Skipping the witches.

Right. Later, in another room,

some crazy fucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face

and forces me to play out some
psychosexual drama with his wife.

He made you have
psycho sex with his wife?

No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.
He thought I fucked his wife.

He held me at gunpoint
with a loaded gun!

What kind of gun was it?

I don't know. I'm not a gun guy.
It was big.

- Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
- Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.

Did it have a real long barrel
or a short barrel?

What difference does it make?

Well, for one thing,
it's a difference between

a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.

Who the fuck cares whether
it was a .44 or a .392?

It was a big fucking gun!

It was loaded! And it was pointed
right at my fucking head!

You wanna skip this part, too?

I want you to get Betty on the phone,
right fucking now.

Hold on.

Anybody live here named...

What's her name again?

Betty.

Betty!

What are you screaming about?

- You're Betty?
-Yeah, I'm Betty. It's my fucking place.

- Who the fuck are you?
-I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.

You guys, wanna go to breakfast?

- Let's go to Denny's.
-Later.

Okay, Ted, what's the problem?

Hello, Betty.

"What's the problem?"
I haven't got a problem.

I've got fucking problems.
Plural. Wanna hear?

Sure.

Well, most recently, there's Room 309.

There's this scary Mexican gangster
dude poking his finger in my chest.

There's his hooligan kids
snapping their fingers at me.

There's a putrid,
rotting corpse of a dead whore

stuffed in the springs of the bed.

There's rooms blazing afire.

There's a big fat needle,
from God knows where,

stuck in my leg,
infecting me with God knows what.

And finally, there's me,
walking out the door, right fucking now.

Is that the penthouse?

Yes, it is.

It's the Chester Rush party.
They want something.

Well, tough titty. They're just gonna
have to whistle, because I'm off.

Now, Ted, wait a minute.
I know you're freaked.

I know you're stressed.
You had a real bad night.

Oh, yes, Betty.
I've had a real bad night.

The only thing I ask, is that
you take care of Chester Rush,

and then you can leave.

I don't feel like it!

Ted, he's a very important
guest of the hotel.

In fact, he's the most
important guest of the hotel.

The Mon Signor used to be
a haven for movie stars.

Through the '30s, '40s,
and first half of the '50s,

more movie stars, if you break it down
on a night-by-night basis,

stayed at the Mon Signor than
any other hotel in Hollywood.

Now, we had some hard times
in the '80s,

even though we were the official
hotel of Cannon Pictures,

but we're coming back strong
in the '90s.

And a movie star clientele
is important to that comeback.

Don't you look here...

He probably just wants
some champagne.

You can do that, can't you?
Ted just take care of him.

The entire staff of
the Mon Signor is begging you.

Okay. But you get your ass
down here, pronto!

You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.

Hello, Mr Rush.

Sorry for the delay.

How can I help you?

Get your skanky asses
the fuck out of here.

Room service.

Hello, Theodore.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Having a drink.

Is Sigfried here?

Are you kidding?
He'll probably be asleep till Christmas.

Hey, everybody. The bellboy is here.

- The bellboy's here!
-Oh, my God! Shit!

- Happy new year!
-Enter! Enter!

Hey, bellboy!

Mr Rush, I'm sorry I'm late.

But, I think you'll find
that I have everything you need, sir.

- His name is Theodore.
-Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.

It's Ted, sir.

So, Ted, the bellboy, would you care
for some champagne, as I was saying?

All right, that wasn't what I was saying.

But would you care
for some champagne?

- I'm on duty, sir.
-Duty, schmooty, come on.

It's like Cristal.
It's the very best that they make.

And, I didn't like champagne,
till I had Cristal. And now, I love it.

- Come on!
-If I must, sir.

Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.

For our purposes, promptness is far
behind thoroughness.

Drink up, lad.

- What do you say?
-Thank you, sir.

No, not, "Thank you."

What do you say
about the tasty beverage?

It's very good.

- Fucking good, Ted. Fucking good!
-Do you have a light?

Let's try it again, shall we?

So, Ted, what do you think
about that tasty beverage?

It's fucking good, sir!

It's fucking Cristal.
Everything else is piss.

- Bellboy. Bellboy. Bellboy!
-Shut up!

You're making
my friend Ted here nervous.

Chill out, man. Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman here.

He's just... That's from Quadrophen/a.
He's just fucking with you.

Now me, personally,
when I think of bellboy,

I think of The Be/lboywith Jerry Lewis.

- Did you ever see that film, Ted?
-No, sir.

Oh, you should, man.
It's one of Jerry's better movies.

He doesn't say a word
through the entire film.

It's a completely silent performance.

Now how many actors can pull that off?

And I gotta tell you, that guy,
he's gotta go to France to get respect.

That says it all about America,
right there.

You know, just that one little sentence.

That says it all about America,
right there.

The minute Jerry Lewis dies,

every newspaper
in this fucking country

is gonna be writing articles
calling the man a genius.

You know, it's not right.
It's not right and it's not fucking fair!

But why should that surprise anybody?

When the hell has America,
you know, ever been fair?

You know, we might be right
every once in a while,

but we're very rarely fair.

Where shall I put this, sir?

You in a hurry there, Ted?

Well, not particularly.

Good there! Okay, then gotta stop
playing Beat the Clock.

Okay.
Let me introduce you to everybody.

Now, see that girl over there?

All right,
that's our friend from downstairs.

We just met her at the pool.
You seem to be acquainted.

Yeah, Theodore and I go way back,
don't we, Theodore?

Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.

I only let people with loaded guns
pointed at my head call me Theodore.

The man sitting in this chair
with the Jim Beam in his hand,

yelling "bellboy" at you is Norman.

Norman, say hello to Ted.

- What's up, Ted?
-What's up, sir?

And the sociable son of a bitch
in that room over there is Leo.

And the person on the other end
of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.

- Leo!
-What?

- Say hello to Ted, the bellboy.
-Hold on a second. What?

- Say hello to Ted, the bellboy.
-Here. Come here.

Leo, Leo, Leo, Leo!

- Leo, that is Ted, the bellboy.
-That's me.

The bellboy we called
about 20, 25 minutes ago.

Oh, Ted, the bellboy.
Well, my goodness.

- Glad you could make it, son.
-Glad I could be here.

Ellen, what does punctuality
have to do with love?

- Which brings me to me.
-Will you explain that to me, please?

Chester Rush, Ted.
Pleased to meet you.

- I'm pleased to meet you, sir.
-Chester. Not "sir." Chester.

Chester? Chester.

I'm terribly sorry I haven't
seen the movie yet, sir, but...

No worries. No worries at all.
Don't worry. Don't be sorry about that.

You know, it's just... That's why
God invented video. No problem.

- You got a point, sir.
-But you know what?

A lot of people did see it.

Whole lot of motherfuckers
saw that movie.

- Didn't they? Didn't they?
-A whole lot...

Lot of motherfuckers
saw The Wacky Detective.

The Wacky Detective, sir.

Who drank out of this bottle last?

I said, who drank out of this bottle last?

- What the fuck's wrong?
-it's fucking flat, man.

That's what's fucking wrong.
Goddamn Cristal is fucking flat.

There ain't a goddamn bubble
left in the fucking bottle, man.

Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is going on here?

- Chill out, man.
-Who fucking...

Who the fuck...
Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?

All right? Somebody! I didn't do this!

I was drinking
out of that other bottle there.

Somebody didn't put the fucking cork
in the bottle.

- Who didn't put it in?
-Chester, do you want me to open...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Who didn't put it in?

Do you want me to open
another bottle of champagne?

No, don't you fucking open
another bottle! I got enough right here.

Fucking shit, man.

God, we've opened
enough fucking bottles!

Do you know how much this shit costs?

- No! You don't.
-Yes, I do.

No! You don't! No! You don't!

Because it's fucking free, man.

It's just fucking free
to you fucking assholes.

Shit. I give and I give and I give
and I give and I give.

What was I talking about?

You were saying that
The Wacky Detective

was a very popular movie.

Yes, it was. And it was popular,
very, very popular, before video.

It was popular before foreign.
It was popular before pay TV.

And before free TV. Before all that shit!

- The Wacky Detective was making...
- Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?

Leo! Leo.
What was the final take on domestic?

$72.1 million.

-$72.1 million.
-Ellen, I'm sorry.

That's fucking asses in fucking seats.

You know, it's not your fault.
I didn't mean to hit you both barrels.

But you know, fuck, you know?
I just would like a little consideration.

And my new one, The Dog Catcher,

which, by the way,
is testing right through the ceiling,

all right, is projected
to gross a hundred.

- The Dog Catcher.
- The Dog Catcher, Chester.

- Thank you, sir.
-You got the good stuff.

Now, let's take a look at some of these
goodies you brought us, okay?

Far be it... Far be it for me, Chester...

But I was just wondering, if you
could tell me, what is all that stuff for?

Hey, one thing at a time, man.
I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.

- So, let's not jump ahead.
-Very good, sir.

Norman, Norman, Norman,
come on, come on.

I think you might want
to look at some of this shit.

Hey, you're damn skippy.
All right, men.

All right, man. Tell it.

A block of wood.

Continue.

- Three nails.
-Why three nails?

That's how many Peter Lorre asked for.

Continue, Ted.

A ball of twine.

Well, that is definitely a ball of twine.
Continue!

A bucket of ice.

- You into it?
-I'm into it.

All right. Go on!

- A doughnut.
-That's for me.

- A club sandwich.
-That is mine.

And...

A hatchet!

A hatchet as sharp
as the devil himself,

is what I asked for.

Well, sir... Chester. You be the judge.

No, no, no, no. I'll be the judge.

- Careful, sir.
-What do you think?

It's a sharp motherfucker.

Forget the nails and the twine.

Bring all this other bullshit
over to the bar. Come on.

- Let's go. Pronto, man.
-You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.

Right you are, sir.

- Norman?
-Yeah?

Yes, it's my job.
Yes, it's my fucking job.

You know that.

He wanted to stay out late.

I can't fucking...
I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?

Don't yell... I'm not yelling!

Hey! I'm not yelling!
You're the one that's fucking yelling!

Fuck... Don't hang up on me!

Ellen, please don't hang up on me.
Please don't hang up on me.

Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,
if you hang up on me...

You cut the fucking...
The next fucking call better be...

Because I'm gonna get
a fucking divorce!

- Yo, Leo?
-Fuck!

Another fucking Honeymooners
going on over here.

Fucking, fucking shit, man!

What the fuck is wrong...

What the fuck is wrong
with the fucking bitch, man?

I'm gonna take the fucking car.

I'm gonna drive up
to fucking Mulholland.

I am gonna fucking
drag her fucking ass

and throw her down
Benedict fucking Canyon, man!

- You're still married, man?
-Yeah. I don't fucking know any more.

I swear to Christ, Norman.
I fucking swear to God, man.

What the fuck is wrong...
I treat this fucking bitch like a queen!

- You know that, man.
-I know that.

So I had a little fucking
too much to drink!

It's fucking New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve.
I can't fucking drive home.

Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I'm fucking sorry about that.

What do you want me to do?
Get in a fucking car,

and go run over six
or seven fucking kids?

That'd be real fucking nice.

Man, what the fuck is
the matter with this bitch?

Fuck!

What the fuck is all this?

Block of wood, bucket of ice
and a hatchet, sir.

Get the fuck out of here.
Chester, talk to me. Norman?

We now return you to
The Man from Rio, already in progress.

Oh, my fucking dick is hard already.

Tell me, Norman,
you're gonna do this shit!

- I am gonna do it.
-Oh, you are my fucking hero.

They better, after talking
about it all night. I wanna see a show.

Come here
and give me a motherfucking hug.

Right then.

- Well, if that's everything.
-I got Cedars lined up, man.

I got a doctor waiting
in the fucking emergency room.

Fuck the emergency, man.

I'm gonna grab
his motherfucking car from him.

Just in case. Hey, just in fucking case.

- I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.
- Not so fast.

Fucking treat that bitch
like a queen, man.

We're gonna walk back
to this little bar here.

We're gonna sit down,
because we ain't quite through yet.

Leo. Sit on this little red stool.
Sit down on this little red stool,

while I explain
the festivities of the evening to you.

- All right.
-Sir?

A word in your ear, sir.

SUFG, SUTG, SUFG, SUFG, SUFG.

- I treat that bitch like a queen, man.
-Chester.

That shit don't help,
treating a woman like a queen.

But am I working?
You know I'm fucking working.

As long as you don't
break up the furniture,

I don't give a fuck what you do.

- Took all your money...
-As far as I'm concerned,

go ahead, trash the place!

Oh, but, look, let me explain
what we're talking about.

Sir, sir, you don't have
to explain anything to me.

Whatever constitutes a good time,

as far as you guys are concerned,
well, that's your business.

Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,
because we want you to take part.

Take part in what, sir?

Chester, your way of breaking
the news to him gently

is scaring the fuck out of him.

- You think so?
-Just spit it out.

Okay, you might be right.
Okay, here we go. Okay.

Thing is, Ted, first off,

there's nothing homosexual
about what we want you to do.

I mean, I was thinking
you might be thinking

that we want you to do
some like weird sex thing.

You know, like, suck us off,
pee on us, shit like that. You know?

Nothing, nothing could be
further from the truth.

My kind of way of telling him is
kind of going all around the world.

- But it's the journey that's worth it.
-Yeah, well, I see that.

But, you know, he's been here for
15 minutes and you have, you know,

-talked about everything but.
-What do you care?

Why don't you just
shut the fuck up, bitch?

-"Bitch?"
-Bitch!

Excuse me, aren't you the one who's
being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?

Cork boy, man! Business card!
I see a new business card.

Excuse me, if it please the court.

Allow me to present
our intentions to Theodore.

- I second the nomination.
-I move that nomination be closed!

- Thank you.
-The court is yours, Leo.

Thank you very much, Chester.

Ted, you ever seen any of them
old Alfred Hitchcock episodes?

Yes, sir.

You ever see the one
called The Man From Rio

with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?

If you saw it, you'd remember it.

It's called The Man From Rio
with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.

Anyway, Peter Lorre makes
a bet with Steve McQueen

that Steve McQueen can't light his
cigarette lighter 10 times in a row.

Now, if Steve McQueen lights
his cigarette lighter 10 times in a row,

he wins Peter Lorre's new car.

But if he does not light his cigarette
lighter 10 times in a row,

Peter Lorre gets to chop off
Steve McQueen's little pinky.

Norman and Chester here
just made that same bet.

Norman has bet his pinky

that he can light his cigarette lighter
10 times in a row.

If he does,

he wins Chester's
1964 Chevy Chevelle.

Red, fucking, beautiful car.

If he doesn't,
chop off his fucking pinky.

What do you think about that?

You guys are drunk.

- Yes!
-Of course! Of course we're drunk!

Teddy, that's why we're here,
but that does not mean

that we don't know
what the fuck we're talking about.

I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talking about.

I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talking about.

I drive a motherfucking Honda
that my sister sold me.

You hear what I'm saying?

A little white, motherfucking,
Honda Civic.

You see this shit?

-"Hollywood's hottest new star...
-That's me.

"Next to America's hottest old car."

- That's the car I own.
-Are you listening to me? Are you?

Goddamn shit!
Are you listening to me?

Now you take a good long look
at that there machine

that this motherfucker
over here's standing next to.

That's a 1964 nigger-red,
ragtop Chevy Chevelle.

And I love that car more than
I love hips, lips or fingertips.

Cut to... We're sitting here celebrating,
getting high,

-drinking champagne...
-Drinking Cristal.

When you're drinking champagne,
you say you're drinking champagne.

When you're drinking Cristal,
you say you're drinking Cristal.

Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,
we are drinking it, you know.

And we are watching TV.

What, what? Hey, hey, hey.
When all of a sudden...

We flip on Steve McQueen,
Peter Lorre being fucking bad asses.

- Bad ass!
-Bad asses!

And I look over at this
funny-looking motherfucker over here,

and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle."

- That's funny.
-And that's when Chester says...

"Oh, really?"

Well, you guys wouldn't be
doing something this stupid

unless you were really fucking drunk.

We already told you
we were drunk, Ted.

That goes without
motherfucking saying.

Because if we wasn't drunk,
we'd probably chicken out.

When you're fucked up, you don't lie.

Man, you tell the fucking truth.

You want to know what
the fucking truth is?

The fucking truth is,
my lucky Zippo is gonna win me

Chester's fucking car.

Which brings us
to your part in this little wager, Ted.

I don't have a part, sir.

Now, Ted, like my old granddaddy
used to always say,

"The less a man makes
declarative statements,

"the less apt he is to look
foolish in retrospect."

- That's quite brilliant, sir.
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thing is, there are some inherent
obstacles in this undertaking.

Beside from the obvious.

First of which, is being the fact that

I'm not like Peter Lorre
on that TV show.

I'm not some sick fuck travelling
the countryside collecting fingers.

All right, you know,
we're all buddies here.

No one wants Norman
to lose his finger.

We just want to chop it off.

You know, if fate doesn't
smile on old Norman,

we'll put that fucker on ice,
whisk it right to the hospital,

where, in all likelihood,
they'll be able to sew it right back on.

Well, hopefully, sir.

Yeah, well, they sewed
that guy's dick back on.

They can sew Norman's pinky back on.

- Yeah, how hard can it be?
-Yeah, good point.

So, Norman,
he's taken care of, you know.

His interests have been looked after.

My interests, on the other hand,
have not.

I am as emotionally attached to my car
as Norman is physically to his finger.

That's a very fucking piece
of expensive machinery

I'm putting on this wager.

And, you know, if I lose, I lose.
That's fine. That's no problem.

I have no problem with that.
I'm a big boy.

I knew exactly what the hell
I was doing.

But if I win, I wanna win. All right?

If Norman lights his cigarette lighter
10 times in a fucking row,

he's gonna have
no emotional problems

whatsoever about taking my car keys.

But if I win,

well, it's not inconceivable
that at the last minute,

maybe neither Leo or I will be able to
wield the axe.

- A hatchet, sir.
-Wield the hatchet.

Which brings us full circle to you, Ted.

Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.

Complete-stranger Ted.

Impartial Ted.

Just-met-us-and-couldn't
give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.

We want you to be the dice man.

Hell of a night, huh, Ted?

I've got to get out of here.

Money!

Ted, I got a $100 bill here
with your name on it,

whether you do what we ask or not.

Just to sit back down in
that chair for one minute more.

I am not gonna cut off
Norman's little pinky!

Well, maybe you will
and maybe you won't.

But that has nothing to do
with this $100 bill in my hand.

In fact, you can tell us all to go fuck off
and walk right out that goddamn door.

But if you wait 60 seconds
before you do it,

you're gonna be $100 richer.

Ted, you're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.

All we're asking is that you
indulge us for one minute more.

My friend Chester here is willing to
pay you for that minute.

Ted, take the money.

Now, let me get this straight.

I sit on that stool, listen to what
you have to say for 60 seconds,

and I get $100?

Correct.

And afterwards, I can walk out
that door, no hard feelings?

None whatsoever.

You got a deal.

- Yes! Oh, yes.
-Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Ted, good answer.
-Throw it down.

All right. Leo, you be the timekeeper.

Norman, give me your watch.

Let me know when a minute
ends and when it begins.

You got it.

- Okay.
-Gentlemen, start your engines.

- Begin.
-Okay, Ted, pay attention here.

I'm gonna make two piles
here on the bar.

One pile, which is yours.
And another pile, which could be yours.

And what you have to realise,
is we're gonna do this thing

one way or the other.

Whether it's you who holds
the axe or a Mexican maid.

Or some bum we yank off the street.

You can buy a whole
lot of soup with that pile.

I'm the closer here. All right.

I'm a little... I've lost count.

- How much is on the bar here?
-$600.

Okay.
Ted, do you know how long it takes

the average American to count to 600?

It's a rhetorical question, Ted.

No, sir.

About one minute less than
it takes to count to 700.

Now, Ted, a person's life is filled
with a zillion little experiences.

Some which are insignificant,

have no meaning, and,
you know, you forget them.

Others which you remember for
the rest of your natural life.

Now, since what we're proposing
here is so unusual,

so outside the norm,
that this is a good bet

that this is going to be
one of those incidences that sticks.

So, since you're gonna be stuck

remembering this
for the rest of your life,

you have to decide
what that memory will be.

So, Ted, are you going to
remember for the next 40 years,

give or take a decade,

that you refused $1,000
for one second's worth of work?

Or that you made $1,000
for one second's worth of work?

Time!

So, Ted, what's it gonna be?

_O
"Yes!

Always be closing!

Right here, right now!
Before I change my mind!

Hear, hear. Go. Let's go.

Get this shit over and done with.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

This is one of those moments in time
none of us are ever gonna forget.

- Norman, are you ready?
-I'm ready.

- Ted, are you ready?
-Ready.

Okey-dokey, Norman...

Begin.

Begin.

My finger! My fucking finger!

Chester, my fucking finger, man!

He cut off my fucking finger!

Oh! It hurts!

My fucking finger, Chester!
He cut off my fucking finger!

Oh, Leo!

Call Cedars, man! Call fucking Cedars!

Wrap it up! Wrap it up!

Yes, hi.
Could I talk to Don Levine, please?

Why'd you let me do this?
Why'd you let me do this?

What?
What do you mean he's in surgery?

He was expecting my call.
He was supposed to be there.

What?
Who the fuck has plastic surgery

at 6:30 in the morning
on New Year's Eve?

Call Cedars, man.

Leo! Leo!

I need you to stand still!
I'll be right back!

- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
-All right! All right.

- Leo! Leo! Leo! Leo!
-Come on, come on.

I forgot the finger! I gotta get the...

It's the finger!

I got the finger! I got it! I got it!

Hey, there's a finger right here!
You're on it!

Come on, come on!
The fucking doors are closing!

Here. Just put some fucking ice here.

All right, all right. Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on!

- Get up, get up!
-I'm gonna go back to my room.

- Are you coming or not?
-No, it's been fun. I'll see you.

Close the fucking door!