Foreign Body (1986) - full transcript

RAM: I want to
tell you everything

right from the very beginning.

You see, I had this job
as a night clerk.

I worked from 6:00
in the evening

until 6:00 in the morning,

with only one night off
each month.

It was a miserable job.

But, it put a few rupees
between me

and the thousands
sleeping on the streets.

Night after night,
I would sit behind my desk,

perched on a cane stool,



listening to the melodious
sounds of the Deedar.

[BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING]

Ram Das, come down to earth.

Hello, Mr. Nahan. How are you?

I was just wondering
about that lamp.

[RUMBLING]

Anyone we know?

It is the doctor.

Really?

I want a room until midnight.

I'm sorry, sir,
but I will have to charge you

from 9:00 to 12:00 for
the full three hours.

It is the management's
new policy.

Okay, okay.
Just give me a key.



Right, sir.
That is ten rupees
per hour, 30 rupees.

The other night,
a man came here
all by himself.

And in the morning,
we found him hanging
from the ceiling.

I had to pay for the room
from my own pocket.

So management now
requests payment
in advance, please.

Thank you, sir.
It is room number six.

You just go upstairs
and turn to the right.
Thank you.

-I need a room.
-Yes, sir. For how long?

For the night.

The whole night, sir?

Of course, the whole night.

Yes. Certainly, sir.
That will be 60 rupees,
please.

Room number 16, sir.
It is the nicest room we have.

It has got a basin
with running water,
you see.

-Thank you.
-My pleasure.

Thank you, sir.
It is the room at the top.

RAM: Now what was it he had,
that man, that I didn't?

Money, I suppose.

I've never had a girl.

I didn't even know a girl.

And if I did, would
I have had the courage

to bring her
to a place like this?

Huh! Never.

Others, it seemed,
had no such problem.

Baboo! Hey, baboo!

-Yes, sir?
-What kind of place
this is?

I beg your pardon, sir.

There is only one towel
and no soap in our room.
It's a disgrace.

I'm very sorry, sir.
I will bring some up
just now.

-Well, be quick about it!
-Yes, sir.

Missee baba?

I've got your towels,
missee baba.

Excuse me.

[GASPING] What do you want?

[SHUDDERING]
I was only bringing you a soap

and some towels.

[STAMMERING]

I don't want to hurt you.

It's just that...

It's just that you are so...

What is going on here?

Nothing, sir.
You don't understand.

I just brought you your soap.

-Oh, I understand, all right.
-[GRUNTING]

[HORN BLARING]

RAM: Needless to say,
I was fired.

I had to get
another job quickly.

I knew it wouldn't be easy.

Calcutta was
bulging at the seams
with unemployed men.

I tried the jute mills,
I tried the big offices,

I tried the tea gardens
and the great market,

but there were hundreds
there before me.

I was beginning to despair

when fate offered up a tidbit.

What kind of a job
are you looking for?

I don't know, sir.
Anything, I suppose.

You understand that
there are some things
I can do as an official,

and some things
which I cannot.

Of course, sir. Naturally.

How much money have you got?

26 rupees, sir.

-26 rupees?
-Yes, sir.

It's no good.

There's nothing.
You've come at
a very bad time.

Sir, if I get some more money,

then can you get me a job?

It's possible.

Do you know anybody in London?

Well, sir, I have
a distant relative.

He works at London airport.
Domestic services.

Domestic services? Good.

Well, there is a job as
a deck hand on the Cathy

sailing for London next week,

but hundreds
are after this one.

Why for this job
in particular?

Because if one has
the right kind
of papers, Ram Das,

one need never come back.

How do I get
those papers, sir?

It can be arranged.

How much will it cost, sir?

1,000 rupees.

Suffering swamis.

Do you realize there are
people who would give

two arms to go to London?

I'm sorry.

I'm wasting your time.

Sir, sir, sir.

Sir, please,
can you wait two days?

Do you think you can raise
the money?

Sir, I'm going to try.

I'll wait. One wants to help.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir!

RAM: I decided I wanted to see
my beloved parents once more,

to say nothing of
my beloved grandmother,

my beloved brother
and my beloved ugly sister,

all of whom lived
in the same mud hut
where I'd been raised.

There was something else
I wanted.

I wanted to break into
my father's beloved
tin savings box.

Ram Das, of sound mind
and thieving disposition,
was on his way.

All the way over to England,

my imagination ran riot.

I was en route to
the land of opportunity,

to the home of her majesty,
The Queen of England,

movie stars, and everything
glamorous and beautiful.

I knew that,
within a matter of weeks,

Ram Das, no longer a virgin,
would be drinking champagne

from some
lovely girl's slipper.

MAN: Playboy, please.

-Thank you.
-Welcome.

Yes, sir?

Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a newspaper
that advertises rooms to let?

Got the very thing, yeah.
Try this.

It's got a list of every room
in London, all for seven P.

-Thank you.
-Cheers, mate.

Paper, please.

-Yes?
-I beg your pardon, sir.

You have an advertisement
in this paper for a room.

You're too late. It's gone.

Yeah? What do you want?

Good morning, madam.

I believe you have
a room to rent.

You got the wrong house.

-Yes. Can I help you?
-Good afternoon, sir.

I believe you
have a room to rent.

I'm sorry. No coloreds.

WOMAN OVER PA:
Would Mr. Racine
on an-679 from Los Angeles

please come to the airport
information desk
on the main concourse?

I'm sorry, sir,
but we don't have
a domestic service office,

not at the airport.
What are you
looking for exactly?

Mr. I.Q. Patel.

Oh, I.Q.

You'll find him around
the corner, the third door.

Thank you, madam.

Yes, sir, can I help you?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[I.Q. HUMMING]

Would they do this
at home, I wonder?

-Mr. Patel?
-Mmm-hmm.

Mr. I.Q. Patel?

Who wants to know?

Hmm? That depends. Maybe.

My name is Ram Das.

I am a relative of yours.

Oh, no, I don't think so.
Relative? No, no, no.

Your sister Sunita
is married to Ramesh,

whose uncle is
a cousin of mine.

I don't know...
Excuse me a moment.

Good afternoon, sir.

Lovely for the time of year.

Just back from
your holiday?
You're looking well.

Well, we all need a rest.
Oh, presents
for the children. Duty-free.

Party tonight.
"Welcome home, daddy."

Allow me, sir.
Would you like
to step this way?

What a lovely jacket, sir.

Original Harris Tweed,
if I'm not mistaken.

I see the dollar is
very strong again
today, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.
Oh, don't forget the goodies.

Without prejudice,
assuming that we are related,

I'm not admitting
anything, man, but what then?

I'm extremely sorry
to worry you about this,

but I need to rent a room,

and I'm having
lots of difficulty.

What did you say
your name was?

Das. Ram Das.

Come again.
Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

So let her do the talking.

She likes to talk.

Listen to the landlady
with rapt attention.

VENDOR: Lovely apples,
ten P a pound.

Best English apples,
ten P a pound.

Come along, now, madam.

LANDLADY: That notice means
what it says, no women.

That door's the lavatory.
Don't forget
to lift the seat.

Bathroom's on
the second floor.

Don't use too much hot water.

Water's expensive.

You got your own gas meter,
ten P in the slot.

Electricity's free,
but if I catch you leaving
lights on, you'll pay extra.

-Well?
-I'll take it.

It's five pound a week.
You pay in advance.

I've been caught
too many times.

It's cheap because of
the lorries in the courtyard.

They start up
at 4:00 in the morning.

I hope you get up early.

Well, it isn't fancy,
but it is a room.

And you've even got
the lavatory next door.

She said no women.

What are you,
some kind of a sex maniac?

No, no, certainly not.

But all the same, no women.

What does one do?
What do you do?

I do the old bag.

Her? [LAUGHING]

She's giving me
25% reduction in the rent.

Now, then...

About this job of yours.

With your qualifications,
there are three things
that you can do.

Number one, you can work in
the gentlemen's toilets,

number two, you can
sweep the streets,

number three is,
London transport.

Well, I don't recommend
the gentlemen's toilets

unless you are a student
of human nature.

I am writing a book about it,
you know.

The streets are very,
very cold,

so I would strongly suggest

"ding ding", London transport.

Two, three, four.

Sorry, sir.
Standing room for
only five inside.

You can try up top.

Never mind up top,
you little bleeder.

I'm gonna stand there.

That is against regulations.

Sod the regulations.
You lay on more buses.

Right. Sorry. Full up.

[BELL DINGS]

RAM: Only those who've
tried to control
a crowd of hooligans

struggling to get aboard
a packed London bus
in the rush hour,

know what it's really like.

Many times, creeping into
my little room,
bruised and battered,

I cursed I.Q. for being cozy

in his warm airport lavatory,

while I shivered to death
each day for eight hours.

I soon found myself
looking back,
almost with affection,

to Calcutta, and the Deedar.

Then, I met Norah Plumb.

-Hello, darling.
-Hello.

Fare, please.

Five P, please.

You look tired.

We've been very busy.

When do you finish?

We're on the last run now.

Then what do you do?

I go home.

To India? [LAUGHING]

Oh, no. I live in
Shepherds Bush.

[BELL DINGS]

[BELL DINGS]

-How about you?
Where do you live?
-Willesden.

I go dancing Friday nights
down your way
at the Hammersmith Palais.

Oh, yes, the Palais.

What is that supposed to mean?

"NP" Not permitted?

Now then, none of that.

It stands for Norah Plumb.

That's me name.

-Norah Plumb?
-You know what?

You ought to come down
the Palais one night.
It's loads of fun.

I expect you have
lots of boyfriends.

There's always
room for one more.

See you.

I hope so!

RAM: I hope so.
What a stupid,
witless remark!

She offered herself to me.

She even paused
by the used ticket container
to give me more time.

And what do you think I did?
Nothing.

-Is she white?
-Yes.

-How old?
-I don't know.
About 20, I suppose.

That is too old.

They're no good
when they're that old.

You have to get them earlier,

around 15.

Fifteen. That is an ideal age.
[CHUCKLES]

I have a curious feeling about
you, Ram,
and I'm seldom wrong.

I used to be a medium,
you know.

-Medium what?
-[CHUCKLES]

A medium is a person
that makes contact
with the dead.

We Indians are supposed to be
very, very good at it.

-And did you?
-Did I what?

Did you make contact
with the dead?

Don't be ridiculous.
It's not possible.

Though, I must admit,

I did feel vibration
from certain people.

If you were so good at it,
why did you give it up?

I used to giggle all the time.

But I can tell you this, Ram.

You are going to be a success.

I don't know how,
or where, or when,

but I can see it very clearly.

So, you must prepare yourself.

How do I do that?

For a start, you must acquire
some polish.

You're not a bad-looking
fellow for an Indian,

but you lack polish.

You must read books,

and learn about things.

Have you ever read a book?

RAM: I've read several...

And memorized them.

I have a photographic
memory, you see.

I can picture a whole page
in my mind and remember it.

Then you've got a head start.

You must read everything that
you can lay your hands on,

starting with these.
You must learn how to
behave with people.

That way, you will be ready
when opportunity knocks.

-Yeah! Like tonight.
-I don't follow.

Opportunity knocked tonight,
and I did nothing about it.

I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about
real opportunity,

the gateway
to fame and riches,

not picking up a lump
on a bus.

She was not a lump on a bus.

She was a nice girl on a bus.

She was looking for
a bit of black for a change.

-A bit of black what?
-Oh! My boy, oh!

Your ignorance is
truly overwhelming.

Never mind, never mind.

Remember what I've said.

I feel strongly about you.

There are...vibrations.

Read the books.

Keep your mind off sex.

RAM: In two days, I'd read
all the books I.Q. gave me.

Within a matter of weeks,
I'd gone through
his entire collection.

I began to read up on biology, and found it fascinating.

It was easy for me,
because I could scan a page
in a matter of seconds

and remember it word for word.

I suppose it was a
kind of gift.

♪

RAM: By the time
Christmas arrived,

I felt from the past.

India, and my life there, belonged to a different world.

I was beginning to discover
my true self.

So, one Friday night,

I went in search of Norah.

♪

Are you married?

Certainly not.

No "certainly not" about it.

A lot of you Indians
are married and don't let on.

Always lookin' for
a bit on the side, eh?

Whoo! Oh!

You ain't been dancin' long,
have you?

I'm sorry.

It's the sandals, you see.

I don't know why you wear 'em.

Do you mind if we stop now?

Stop!

I'd love a gin and tonic.

A jolly good idea!

-You still on the buses?
-Yes, but not for very long.

I'm studying, you see.

Two gins and one tonic,
please.

What you studyin'?

A bit of this
and a bit of that.
Where do you work?

Bloody dry cleaners
up the road.

What?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUES]

Listen, Ram, you better cancel
those drinks. I've gotta go.

Promised to go home
with my friend Shula.

I got an idea.

Why don't you
come over Sunday,

if you got nothing
better to do?

You can come to supper,
meet me mum and dad.

You really mean that?

Of course I mean it.
Come about 7:00.

They usually go to the social
around 8:00,

so it shouldn't be too much
of an ordeal.

We'll be on our own
the whole evening.

Bye. See you Sunday!

Two gins, one tonic.
85P, please,

[BELL RINGS]

[SNIFFLES]

Hello.

Listen, Ram, me father's bein'
a little bit difficult,

but don't worry.
I'm sure it will be all right.

Come in, come in.

Mum and dad are looking
for a bungalow,

on account of mum's
legs bein' bad,
and all these stairs.

That is very interesting.

It's an Indian word, you know,
"Bungalow."

What do you mean,
an Indian word?

"Bungalow" is English.
Everyone knows that.

I mean no disrespect, sir,

but "bungalow" is Hindi.

The British army brought it
back with them to Britain,

and other words
like it, like "shampoo,"
and "cot" and "loot,",

and "char,"
and there are others

like "jungle" and "veranda"
and "buggy."

They're all from Hindi.

Will you listen to
all this cock?

Those are English words, see?
All of them.

"Char" means tea.

Cup of char.

Haven't you ever
heard of that?

What the hell
are you tryin' to pull?

I'm not trying
to pull anything, sir.

I just thought you
might be interested.

Interested?

You see? We should
never have left India.

We should've stayed on
to civilize these blighters.

-Dad!
-You shut up.

Listen to your father.
You might learn something.

I mean, look at
all they've done.

Look at the black hole
of Calcutta.

I'll bet it was some of your
bloody ancestors

who bunged our blokes
down that hole
and left them there to die.

It was our country, sir,
not yours.

And think of what
your soldiers did,

tying our people to cannons,

and hanging them by chains.

Best thing for them,
black blighters.

Come on, em. I've had enough.

What about the washing up?

She can do it.

And he can bloody
well help her.

What a horrid evening!

What a horrid, horrid evening!

And I'd really looked
forward to it so much!

It's all right.
Please don't worry.

You'll never want
to see me again.

Oh, yes, I will. Honestly.

I think you're...

I think you're
a marvelous girl.

You can't help how
your parents behave.

Oh, Ram.

Don't cry, and we will forget
what happened.

That's for being so kind
and understanding.

Have you ever seen
a white girl?

[CHUCKLES] Of course.
Lots of them.

I don't mean that.

I mean "seen."

Well, not really.

Now's your chance.

Come on.

Sit down.

Take your jacket off.

Aren't you gonna
get undressed?

You don't look very excited.

Stand up.

What about your parents?

They won't be back for hours.

Don't worry.

-I'm not gonna bite you...
-[GASPING]

Much.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Don't rush.

Wait.

I'm gonna make you
nice and ready for me.

I want to find out
why they call you Ram.

[GASPING]

Oh, my God, they're back!

Oh, great lord,
don't let them see me naked!

Never mind you.
What about me?
They'll slaughter me.

You were right.
She's not there.

She hasn't even cleared
the table yet. Norah!

Oh, God!

Norah!

Norah!

-What?
-Where is he?

If you mean Ram,

he couldn't wait
to get out of here
after the way you treated him.

Come on down here.
You haven't done
the washing up yet.

And don't stand there gawping.

[GASPING]

[ALARM CLOCK RINGS]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

You miserable little rat!

-Come down!
-[GASPING]

Get up. Get up, Indian trash,
and fight like a man.

It's against my religion
to use violence.

Well, it's not against mine.

[GRUNTING]

Dad, what have you done?

RAM: That brute,
Norah's father,

saw to it that, once again,
I was fired.

A couple of weeks later,

I heard there was
a vacancy for a waiter
in an Indian restaurant.

I was on my way there
when, suddenly,

a perfectly ordinary day became completely transformed.

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

-What happened?
-The bus knocked
her down.

Would somebody
please get a doctor?

RAM: That's when it happened.

I'll never know
what came over me,

but I suddenly
found myself saying...

I'm a doctor.

Doctor, please come forward.

I couldn't avoid her.

She just stepped out
without looking, Doctor.

She slipped.
I braked as hard as I could.

I didn't touch her.

That's all right.
Just keep these people
back, please.

Okay, keep back.

RAM: It was
absolutely marvelous.

There she was,
this adorable creature,
with me kissing her,

and it was all in order,

so much in order that,
although preoccupied

with what I was doing,

I could hear
the murmurs of the crowd
standing around me.

It's the kiss of life.

What happened?

It's all right.
You just slipped
and had a little accident.

But it's all right now.
Mr. Conductor, please.

Let's pick her up.

Doctor, I have a shop here.
It's at your disposal.

Thank you, madam.

Gently down, please.

Will she be all right, Doctor?

She will be fine.
There is nothing you have to
worry about.

-Good, good.
-I thought a little brandy
would help.

Yes.

I meant it for her.

Oh, no, no, no.
She is in shock, you see.

Quite wrong.

I'll need her name, Doctor,

and yours, too, of course,
for the report.

Yes, well, I will
write it down for you.

And you, miss.
Could I have your name
and address, please?

-Yes. Susan Partridge.
-Susan Partridge.

-120...
-120...

-Wilton Terrace.
-Wilton Terrace.

Thanks.

Well, if that's everything,
doctor, we'll be pushing off.

Right. You do that.

I will make sure that
she gets home safely.

Oh, I look a mess!

Where were you going
when all this happened?

[SIGHS] Well,
I'd just finished work,

and was walking home.

I wasn't thinking, I suppose.

It's all so silly, really.

You must not take
this too lightly, though.

There may be aftereffects.

-You think so?
-It is hard to tell.

But, perhaps I ought to
take another look at you.

Or would you prefer
to see your own
personal physician?

Well, no. Um, no.

Actually, I don't
have a regular doctor.

Well, then maybe
I will take you home.

Thank you.

Come in.

My goodness, you have
a beautiful home!

Well, thank you.

What kind of work do you do?

I'm a model
with the Jackson Agency.

You've probably heard of it.

Of course.

Are you all right?

Yes, I am.
It's just a slight headache,
that's all.

Now, please, I want you
to go straight to bed,

-and then I will
take a look at you.
-Okay.

Can I get you something?
A cup of tea, perhaps?

You know, you really are kind.

Do you know
what I'd like most?

-A nice mug of hot chocolate.
-Where is the kitchen?

Through the hall on the left.

The chocolate's
in the cupboard
over the cooker.

[SIGHS]

I have put in
some extra sugar.

It is for the shock, you see.

Thank you.

Really, you are the most
extraordinary doctor.

We doctors are human, too,
you know.

I thought you
weren't allowed to be.

I thought you got
struck off or something.

-Only if we go too far.
-[LAUGHING]

And how far is too far?

Oh, the rules are most firm,
most rigid.

If you will drink up
your chocolate,

we will make certain
that there are no problems.

Listen, extraordinary doctor.

I don't even know your name.

Ram. Ram Das.

Ah. And where does
Dr. Das come from?

Calcutta.

-And now you're working here?
-That is right.

Where's your practice?

I don't have one as yet,
but I'm planning
to start on the West End.

Ah, Harley Street. Of course.

What? Yes, yes, of course.

Yes, Harley Street.

Well, your pulse seems
to be all right.

Now, if you will just sit
on the edge of the bed,

-I will take a look at you.
-Okay.

That's right.

[GASPS]

That won't be necessary.

Oh. I always thought
one had to take
one's clothes off.

Yes, well, sometimes,
it is necessary,
most necessary,

but not in this case.

Well, now, if you don't mind,

I would like to check
your reflexes.

Let it hang loose.

That is very good.
Now I'll try the other leg.

Yes.

Is there anything
I can do to
return your kindness?

Well, if you ever find me
lying on a road,

I hope you will
do the same for me.

-Didn't hurt, did it?
-No.

Good.

Do you by any chance
have a torch?

A torch?

Yes, a torch.

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I do.

Top left-hand drawer
over the dressing table.

Thank you.

-Ah!
-No, no, no. I wish to
examine your eyes.

If you would look straight out
at the wall, please.

I what I'll do.

We've got loads of girls
at the agency,

and they're all
hypochondriacs.

If you give me your card,

I'll make sure you have
enough patients
to start you off.

-How about that?
-Yes, well, I cannot
give you a card,

because I don't have
consulting rooms yet.

But as soon as I do,
I will let you know

because there is nothing like
having pretty girls
on one's list, yes?

Now, let me try the arm.

-Does that hurt?
-No.

Very good. Now the other one...

-All right?
-Fine.

Well, then, I must be off.

Try and get a
good night's sleep.

I will.

I'll tell you one thing.

You're going to be
a big hit in Harley Street.

Thank you.

Good-bye,
extraordinary doctor.

You've been given
a sign by Ganesh,

the God of success.

You stumbled upon
the road to more cash

than most men will get
in a lifetime!

[LAUGHING]
You can't be serious.

I have never been
more serious in my life.

You're going to be
a doctor, my boy.

But I don't know
anything about it.

What's that got to do with it?

Half the physicians in
Harley Street don't know
anything about it, either.

All of their patients
are silly, middle-aged women

with more money than sense,
craving for a
bit of attention.

A few soothing words,
bottle of tranquilizer,

little neck massage
and boom, boom,

another ten pound in the pot.

Come to think of it,

perhaps you should
concentrate on that line,

you know, stiff neck,
backache, that sort of thing.

I still don't think
I could do it.

Suppose somebody
came to me
who was really ill?

I'll fix you up with my friend
Dr. Stirrup.

He's a dried-up old poop,
but he knows his medicine.

Only one thing,
he won't touch syphilis.

He's funny about that.

If someone come to you
who is obviously ill,

describe the symptom
to Dr. Stirrup,

and he will sort out
what is to be done.

-Do you really think
it would work?
-I do, I do.

As a matter of fact,
pass the Worcestershire,
sauce, please,

with your fantastic memory,
you could probably
become a real doctor.

But alas,
we have not got the time.

By jove!

What a jolly good idea.

It's better than
a jolly good idea, by jove.

It's the best idea
I've had in years.

How do I start?

Well, first,
we find you consulting rooms,

into which we put
rented furniture.

Then we'll get you
some proper clothes,

and we need lots and lots
of equipment.

How do I pay for all this?

Ah-ha.

[CHUCKLES]

Where did you get all this?

I'm not just into
lavatories, you know.

There are other things.
300, 400, 500.

Six hundred pounds...

-You're lending it to me?
-Business proposition.

I want 20% interest
payable every six months.

But that is very high.

You're damn right
it's very high!

You try to find
another moneylender

who'll chance his arm
on a no-good Indian rascal

that wants to set himself up
as a phony doctor.

Now eat your beans,
and have an early night.

I've got to go
and service the landlady.

She must begin
to slow down soon.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

My name is Das, Ram Das.

I've come about
the consulting room.

Yes, Dr. Das, I'm Bradshaw.
Please come in.

Thank you, sir.

It's on the first floor.
Please follow me.

I guessed you were Indian
when you telephoned.

I can always tell
by the voice.

Did you see
our advertisement
in The Lancetor The Times?

The Times.

Right. Here we are.

Nice, isn't it?

Of course, whoever rents it
will have to buy the curtains.

I'm not about to
take them down,

and it'll cost a lot of money
to get new ones.

How much are you
asking for them?

A 100 pounds.

A 100 pounds?

They're worth
a great deal more.
It's beautiful material.

Yes, they're very nice.

The central heating
has just been modernized.

This way, Doctor.

It keeps the whole place
beautifully warm
even on the coldest days.

You see, all conveniences.

Most unusual having your
own bathroom
in Harley Street.

It is just the sort of place
I've been looking for.

All the other doctors
who have been here
have been very happy,

and at £95 a week,
that's inclusive, it's a snip.

-I'll need a month
in advance, of course.
-Yes.

Ah, this is Miss Furze,
our receptionist.

She is included in the rent.

Miss Furze, Dr. Das.

How do you do, Doctor?

How do you do, Miss Furze?

You also have partial use
of the waiting room
on the ground floor.

Well, thank you very much.
I'll think about it.

Don't think too long.

Single consulting rooms in
Harley Street

are rarer than virgins
in the kings road.

It'll go very fast.

-I'll take it.
-Splendid.
You won't regret it.

RAM: The following day,
we rented some furniture,

and I bought a new suit.

As I sat behind my desk
for the first time,

I felt a glow of happiness.

All I had to do
was keep my nerve,

and find some paying patients.

-[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
-Come in.

Your tea, Doctor.

Thank you, Miss Furze.

The other doctors are looking
forward to meeting you.

Oh, really?

How many of them are there?

There's Mr. Up John,
he's ear, nose, and throat,

and Dr. Wyatt,
he's an osteopath,

and Mr. Pike.

What does Mr. Pike do?

He's a gynecologist.

[PHONE RINGS]

Shall I?

Dr. Das' consulting room.

May I say who's calling?

One moment, please.

It's a Miss Partridge.

Ah, yes.

Thank you.

Well, hello.

Hello. I got your note.
Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

I was wondering
if I could make an
appointment to see you.

Of course.
Just one moment.

Thank you, Miss Furze.

Just a minute while I consult
my appointment book.

How about tomorrow afternoon
at 4:00?

Yes. Yes, 4:00 fine.

All right.

I'll see you then.

Bye.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

-Guess what.
-What?

-She phoned.
-Who phoned?

My darling, sweet,
lovely Susan.

And what does she want,
your darling,
sweet, lovely Susan?

She's coming to see me
professionally.

She doesn't suspect anything?

Of course not.
She just needs my help,
that's all.

Well, before you
get too drunk,

we go to see my darling,
lovely, sweet Dr. Stirrup.

All right, it'll cost you
two quid a visit.

That's a lot of money.

Try and find it cheaper.

If I cannot come to see you,
can I telephone?

You can send
a carrier pigeon, if you wish,

but it'll still
cost you two quid.

What are you into?

Neck problem, back problem.

Manipulation,
that sort of thing.

Anything that doesn't
show up in the post-mortem.

[CHUCKLES]

I think I have something
for you in the next room.

[SWITCH CLICKS]

Sorry about the mess.
[CHUCKLES]

Here she is.

What is it?

A traction couch.

Used to belong to
General Eisenhower.

He wouldn't go
anywhere without it.

He had a bad back, you know?

This machine does wonders.

How much?

-£35.
-£25.

Done.

Now, Miss Partridge,
how can I help you?

Well, first of all,
I want to make an appointment

for you to go and see my aunt,
Lady Ammanford.

You do go to people's homes,
don't you?

Yes, certainly. Absolutely.
I think it is most important.

I'll look in my book.

Right. Um...

Yes, how about
Thursday at 3:30?

Yes, I'm sure that'll be fine.

Her address is 97...

-97...
-Belgrave Square.

Belgrave Square.

-I'll tell her you're coming.
-Splendid.

Dr. Das, I've come to see you
about something else.

I've come to
see you because...

I feel I can talk to you
without embarrassment.

I truly hope so,
Miss Partridge.

The fact is, I've met a man.

I like him very much.

We've become quite close
during the past
few weeks.

[SCOFFS] I haven't actually
been on the pill,

and I think perhaps
I should be.

I wanted your advice.

I see.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, Doctor?

I suppose you've thought
about this carefully,
Miss Partridge.

Of course. Why?

Because I personally
am not in favor of the pill.

I think it can be
extremely dangerous.

You can't be serious.

Oh, never more so.

But all the girls
I know are on the pill.

-None of them
had any trouble.
-[CHUCKLES]

Yes, and they won't
have any trouble,
as you put it,

until one of them drops dead.

It's happening all the time.

But I thought the pill
had been cleared.

I had no idea
it was still a risk.

Oh! The propaganda
being put out by
the drug companies

is simply disgraceful.

[SHUDDERING] We doctors are
most concerned about it.

This is incredible.

I just wish more
people were aware of
the dangers, that's all.

What am I gonna tell Basil?

Tell Basil the truth.

If he's a real man,
he'll understand.

[CHUCKLES] Oh!
He's a real man, all right.

Miss Partridge, you said
you've only known him
a few weeks.

Yes.

Well, sometimes, it may be
a good idea to wait...

Just in case you've
chosen the wrong partner.

Yes, but, if I decide
to go ahead,

will you prescribe for me?

I'm sorry, Miss Partridge,

but I regard you as a friend,

and one doesn't willingly
put a friend in danger.

Thank you, Doctor.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Have I depressed you?

No. It's all right.

Don't forget to
go and see my aunt.

No.

My name is Dr. Ram Das.

I have an appointment
with Lady Ammanford.

Quite right, sir.

Follow me, please.

Dr. Das, milady.

Oh, good afternoon.

Thank you, Simons.

Good afternoon, madam.

So you're Susan's new doctor.

That is right.

Hmm. She didn't tell me
you were...

[CHUCKLES] Well...

Now, tell me straightaway
whether you can
help me or not.

I get these
terrible headaches.

I've had them for years.
I've tried everything.

I haven't got
a tumor on the brain,

and it isn't my eyes and ears.

So what is it?

May I sit down?

Of course. I'm so sorry!
Please do.

Thank you, madam.

RAM: I remembered a line from
Bedside Behavior,

"A good doctor asks questions.

"He's a detective,
searching for clues."

To get to the bottom
of this, madam.

It will help if I ask a few
simple questions.

Some of them
may seem irrelevant,

but I assure you,
they are not.

Go ahead.

Well, to begin with,
tell me something
about your day.

Starting when?

First thing in the morning.

I ride in Hyde Park.

-Every day?
-Mmm, unless it's
pouring with rain.

Yes. Yes!

Yes, unless it is
pouring with rain.

-That is most interesting.
-[DOGS GROWL]

AMMANFORD: You think that
may be significant?

Well, it could be. What then?

Well, I come back
to the house,
bathe, and have breakfast.

Naturally. Yes. Perfect.

Then what do you do?

I read the papers
and attend to correspondence.

So you sit
hunched over your desk?

Well, yes.

For how long?

That depends.
An hour, sometimes more.

And then what?

I see various
people, my lawyer,
my stockbroker, friends.

Doctor, where is
all this leading to?

Ah! Yes, well, now,
Lady Ammanford,

tell me, what do you
usually do in the evening?

I go out a lot,
but if I stay at home,
I watch television in bed.

Sitting propped up?

That's right.
And does that
give you a headache?

Yes, but since I go to sleep
soon afterwards,
it doesn't bother me.

One last question.
Is your bed hard or soft?

Soft.

I love a soft bed.

RAM: I was impressed
with myself.

The questions
sounded professional.

They came straight out of
your patient and you.

Lady Ammanford,
I think you should
try some traction.

Traction?
How would traction help?

It is my belief that
the trouble is coming
from your neck.

No other doctor has
ever suggested traction.

Possibly not.
If they were making money
out of you,

why should they
wish you cured?

Now, come along.

Dr. Klein, the man
I've been attending,

is one of the most
successful doctors in London.

He doesn't need me.

That's where you're wrong,
dear lady,

very wrong.
He needs you,
and others like you.

It is my honest belief
that there is
nothing wrong with you

that traction and
a little massage
would not put right.

Where would I
have this traction?

-In my consulting room.
-Oh!

Is there nothing
you can do now?

-Do you have
a headache now?
-Mmm.

Well, I might
be able to afford
some temporary relief.

Oh, if you could.

Well. Please come with me.

Now, if you'll just sit down.

Now, don't alarm yourself at
what I'm going to do.

It's just a little
oriental manipulation.

You have absolutely
nothing to fear, right?

Mmm-hmm.

[GROWLING]

Right.

[LOUD CRACK]

Oh, my God, you've broken me!

-[DOG BARKING]
-Simons!

Dear lady.
Don't you "dear lady" me!

What kind of a doctor are you?

Can I help you, milady?

Simons, show this person
to the door.

This way, please, sir.

You haven't heard
the last of this, young man,
I assure you.

Susan must've been
out of her mind
to recommend you.

Absolutely outrageous!

I shall report you
to the authorities, young man!

Look, I think you're making

a mountain out of
a storm in a teacup.

All right,
so she is mad at you.

But she's hardly
the kind to hunt you down

just for pulling too hard
on her neck.

You don't know her.

She's just the kind
to hunt me down

for pulling too hard
on her neck.

And there's another thing.
She's Susan's aunt.

This is the end of that.

The end of making
a fool of yourself

over a girl who
only wants your assistance
because she is afraid.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

That's what I say.

So what do I do now?

Stay at home
and wait for them
to come and get me,

or go to Harley Street
and wait for them there?

Go to Harley Street
as if nothing had happened.

Really, if you're going to
get your knickers in a twist

every time you make a
boo-boo with a patient,

I don't see much of a future
for you in medicine.

[SIREN WAILING]

-Dr. Das?
-[GASPING]

My name's Pike.

-Dr. Pike, the gynecologist.
-Yes.

[LAUGHING] Thank God.

Why? Do you need one?

No, no. I'm sorry.
I'm not quite myself
this morning.

I know those kind of nights.

Well now, when are you
going to join

the rest of us doctors
for a drink one evening?

-Oh, any time at all.
-Good. I'll give you a buzz.

I've got a busy morning.

Five little darlings.

Thank God for
the permissive society.

-Good morning, Hilda.
-Good morning, Mr. Pike.

Lady Ammanford's here.

-Where?
-In your consulting room.

My goodness.
Miss Furze, I can't see her.

You've got to get rid of her.
I'll come back later.

Dr. Das.

Lady Ammanford.

Good morning, madam.

Dr. Das, come in here.

Yes, madam.

Shut the door.

-Sit down.
-Thank you, madam.

-I can't believe it.
-What, madam?

My headache's gone,
and it's all due to you.

Nothing can excuse
what I said to you yesterday,

but I didn't know,
my dear man,

what magic lay
in your wonderful hands.

Should you refuse
to treat me further,
after my behavior,

you would be quite
within your rights.

But I beg you not to do this.

You are the first person
who's ever been able to help.

Oh, it's fantastic.

I can't get over it.

You're still angry with me?

No, not at all.

Yes, you are.
I can see it in your face.

You think I'm a rude,
and stupid woman,

and you're quite right.

No, madam. Your reaction
was totally understandable.

It was hysterical.

However, I am in a position
to make amends.

I understand from my niece
that you've only recently
set up in practice.

Well, I have a large
circle of friends,

and I shall tell them
all about you.

Now, when may I see you again?
I'm entirely at your disposal.

If your headache's cured,
madam, of what further
service can I be?

Oh, you dear, dear man.

Your honesty and integrity
overwhelm me.

You are not only
a great doctor,

you are a modest
and dear person.

RAM: Thus began my career
in Harley Street.

Lady Ammanford
kept her promise.

And in two months,
I had 25 patients,

all of them friends of hers,

and seven more
from the Jackson Agency.

By the end of March, I decided to open a bank account.

I hadn't made a fortune,

but it was better
than the buses, by far.

During the next four months, my practice continued to grow.

I became
more and more confident.
My patients sensed this.

They began recommending me
to their friends

in ever-increasing numbers.

I employed a bookkeeper
twice a week

and repaid I.Q.
£200 plus interest.

Before long, I was treating
half a dozen people a day.

Dr. Das, there's been
an urgent call.

-Who from?
-You'll never guess.

-Tell me.
-Number ten.

-Number ten what?
-Downing Street!

Number ten
Downing Street.

Don't you understand?
The Prime Minister.

-His secretary wants you
to call him immediately.
-You must be joking.

That's exactly how I reacted.
I couldn't believe it either.

Oh, my God.
What am I going to do?

Do? You're going to call him
right back, of course.

Oh, isn't this exciting?
Can I listen?

-While you telephone?
-Yes.

Oh, imagine you
talking to number ten.

-I don't know the number.
-It's on the pad.
Oh, do hurry up, Doctor.

Perhaps we ought to get
some flowers and brighten
the place up a bit.

Oh, Dr. Das,
I'm so happy for you.

This is really thrilling.

Shh! Ten Downing Street.

Yes, could I speak
to the secretary
of the Prime Minister, please?

My name is Das. Dr. Ram Das.

You fool! You stupid,
blundering nincompoop!

-You're not pleased?
-Pleased?

Pleased that you chucked away
hundreds of pounds
of my money?

Pleased that you're about to
be flung into jail?

Oh, yes, of course
I'm pleased.
I'm absolutely delighted!

Now wait a minute!
He's coming to me
for treatment,

he is not to coming to
arrest me.

Coming to you
for treatment, is he?

Don't you realize
what you've done?

Hmm? You've laid yourself
wide open.

This isn't one of
your silly matrons
content with a few kind words.

This is the Prime Minister
of Great Britain,

one of the biggest
hypochondriacs of all time!

He probably knows ten times
as much about medicine
as you will ever know!

He'll be onto you in a moment!

[POUNDING] Shut up!

Shut up...

Sorry, darling.

And before you know it,
there will be two large
gentlemen with bowler hats

escorting you to wherever
the boat goes from,

and I will be £600
down the drain, up the spout.

Perhaps I can bluff
my way through.

Oh, yes, you've got about
as much hope of doing that

as winning the Nobel Prize
for medicine!

All right then
what shall I do?

You could die tonight.
That would be one way out.

I think I go somewhere
and get totally, completely,
and utterly crocked.

RAM: If ever I needed
Dr. Stirrup, it was now.

Thanks. Ah!

-Morning, my dear.
-Morning.

Prime Minister, Doctor.

Thank you, my dear.
Ah, Doctor.

I... I've heard so much
about you
from Lady Ammanford.

She says her headaches
have completely gone
all due to you.

How do you do?
How do you do, sir?

Well, I've got a back problem,
and is it a back problem.

Bloody painful.
Bloody painful.

I bend over one day...
[GRUNTING]

I bend over one day to pick up
an oar, and, bingo, that's it.

Thought of having
the operation, once when I
have learnt to live with it.

-You're Indian, right?
-Yes, sir.

Yeah! Splendid chaps,
all of you.

Had a couple of your people
as servants during the war.
Where are you from?

-Calcutta, sir.
-Ah, yes, Calcutta.
The dear old, ah!

The dear old
Great Eastern Hotel.
How is it?

-Still there, sir.
-Yeah.

Splendid place, Calcutta.
Ought to clean up the streets.

All those people sleeping out.
Shouldn't be allowed.

There's no place
for them, sir.

Probably build them some
bloody houses.

Kill two birds with one stone,
don't you see?

Give them jobs as builders
and provide them with some way

to live at the same time.

I can't understand what
the government's thinking of.

I told Mrs. Gandhi that.
What are you going to do
with me?

I'm going to give you
a little traction, sir.

I don't wish to do anything
serious until we get
some X-rays.

Aa-ha, knew you'd say that.
Brought them along with me.
They're on your armchair.

That was very thoughtful
of you, sir.

Very thoughtful, indeed.

Now, if you would kindly
lie down on this couch.

Hup. Ooh!

-Are you all right?
-[GRUNTING] Yes.

Where did you
get this contraption?

[LAUGHING] A doctor friend
of mine gave it to me, sir.

General Eisenhower had it
in his headquarters in France.

PRIME MINISTER: Ike, eh?

Good chap, Ike.
Not much imagination
of course,

but sound with people.

Oh, perfectly true, sir.

Now, it is very important that
you're completely relaxed.

So I want you to lie still
for a little while,

-and then we'll begin.
I shall be back in a moment.
-Hmm.

Take your time, dear fellow.

He's brought them with him.

-Brought what with him?
-His X-rays.

-I'll take a look.
-What do I do?

-Give him some...
-Shh.

Give him some traction,
then come back.

But don't panic.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Comfortable, sir?

Oh, yes, very comfortable.
Nearly dropped off.

-Lovely. Then we'll begin.
-Mmm-hmm.

We gently slide your arms
through these straps here.

-And then, hang on to the bar.
Same over here, sir.
-Mmm-hmm.

There we go. Perfect.

-I'm going to stretch you
a little now, sir.
-[SIGHS]

Right. I'm starting now.

[GRUNTING]

-How's that?
-Oh, fine, fine.

I'll turn on the motor now,

and the couch will move
back and forth,

and give you a series of tugs
that can be most beneficial.

-And call out if you're not
happy about anything, sir.
-Right.

Ah...

Oh.

Everything all right, sir?

Mmm-hmm.

Tell me if you're
not comfortable.

Oh, no, I'm very comfortable.
Okay, can it go any faster?

A little. There are
two more notches on the dial.

Yeah, turn it up one more, eh?

Yes, sir.

[GRUNTING MORE RAPIDLY]

It's not hurting you,
is it, sir?

No. No.

-Turn it up faster.
-It's on number three now,
sir.

-Faster, man, faster.
-Yes, sir.

[GRUNTING]

Enough!

Oh, most...

Invigorating.

I'm glad you liked it, sir.

Now, it's most important
that you don't catch cold

and you mustn't get up
too quickly.

I'd like you to
lie quite still
until I come back.

[DOZING]

-Yes...
-Well?

There seems to be
a bit of trouble
around the 12th thoracic.

-You see here?
-Is that all?

No. There's additional trouble

around the first lumbar.

What do I do?

Remember what I've just said
and tell him.

He'll be impressed.

-12th thoracic,
first lumbar. Then what?
-Yeah.

-Give him some manipulation
and send him on his way!
-Shh!

Oh, you're up, sir.

Oh, yes.
Mustn't loaf around, you know?

Oh! I've taken a look
at the X-rays, sir.

There seems to be
a bit of trouble around
the 12th thoracic.

Yes, that's what
I've been told.
And the first lumbar.!

-That, too, sir.
-[GRUNTING]

Well, frankly, Das,
I don't give a hoot
about the X-rays.

It's the back that matters,

and that machine of yours
is bloody fantastic!

Will it last?

Oh! It might
very well last, sir.

But you must be
very careful at first

and do all
the right exercises

so you can build up
those muscles again.

And now, sir, I'd like
to give you a little
oriental manipulation.

I'm afraid we've run out
of time, my boy.

I've got a cabinet meeting
in 30 minutes.

I'll just shove
on the clothes,
borrow your bathroom,

and I'll be on my way.

The bathroom, sir. Yes.
Ahem. Yes, of course.

I should just go in
and tidy up, sir.

He's coming into the bathroom.

Good. I'll get to meet him.

You'll do no such thing.

There's a ledge out here.
You can hide. Come on.

I'm not going out there.
You're mad.

Come on.

I'm an old man.
I can't stand on ledges.

You don't go out, I won't
pay you the money I owe you.
Come on.

[GRUNTING]
I'll get vertigo and fall.

[GROANS]

No! No, no, no.

[SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLES] Everything
is in order, sir.

Good. I feel wonderful,

but I thought I heard
somebody arguing.

Oh, no, sir. Oh, that, sir.

That's Mr. Pike.
He's just next door.

He has a rather
temperamental patient
just now.

-Very noisy one, too.
-Yeah.

Well, there's no doubt
about it, Dr. Das.

You're a young genius.

[SIGHS] Thank you, sir.

Don't worry.
You'll be all right.

Don't look down.

Just keep still.

MAN: Keep perfectly still.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Well, here I go.

How about your X-rays, sir?

Oh, keep them, keep them.
Doesn't look as though

I shall need them, does it?

Got a perfectly
ghastly afternoon.

Two-hour session
with the French.

Your limousine's ready, sir.

Loathe the blighters.
Always breathing garlic
in your face.

Mind De Daulle never did that.

-Or if he did, he was so tall,
it went over your head.
-[LAUGHING]

Well, I may not be
the greatest Prime Minister
this country's ever had,

but I may well turn out
to be the longest.
[LAUGHING]

-I'll keep in touch, my boy.
-Thank you, sir.

[SIREN WAILING]

Oh, my God, Dr. Stirrup.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[GRUNTING]

[APPLAUSE]

Dr. Stirrup, I'm terribly...

You bloody wog!

Don't you ever ask me
to do anything for you again.

And send me my money,
or I'll sue you!

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

I'm a doctor.

Of course you are, sir.
Come along with us.

Corrupt bloody wogs
everywhere!

RAM: That was the end
of Dr. Stirrup.

A few weeks later, I received
a very special invitation.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

-Champagne, sir?
-Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Dr. Das.
How lovely of you to come.

Many happy returns.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Basil, this is Ram Das,
my extraordinary doctor.

This is my fiance,
Basil Thornton.

Oh, so you're Dr. Das.
Jolly good.

-Susan tells me
you're a very clever fellow.
-Thank you.

Next time I have
a case of the sniffles,
I must look you up.

-Please do.
-Excuse us, would you?

See you later.

♪

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, Dear Susan

♪ Happy birthday to you

[ALL CHEERING]

Guess who.

Give me a clue.

Your newest favorite patient.

Miss Masters.

-Right. Thank God you've come.
-Hello.

It's a terribly boring party.

I was just about to leave.

Let's slip out
and go to your place.

-My place?
-Harley Street.

At this time of night?

Why not? You only rent it
during the day. Come on.

Be adventurous.

The machine.

-The what?
-The traction couch.

We can't use that.
It makes too much noise.

-They'd hear us in the street.
-Who cares?

Now strap me down.

Helpless.

In the clutches
of the mad doctor,

the innocent virgin
writhed and struggled.

-Turn it on.
-Just a minute.
I'm not ready yet!

Turn it on.

Yes.

Turn it up more.

Oh...

Is anything the matter,
Miss Masters?

[GASPING]

What did you do that for?

[SHUDDERING]
I thought you were in pain.

Don't be so silly.
Turn it on again.

Yes.

[JO GASPING]

Turn it off.

[GASPING]

That was something.

Get me out of these straps.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

-You're the best.
-[CHUCKLES]

I'm dripping wet.
Have you got a towel
or anything?

There's one in the bathroom.
I'll go get it.

No. Let me.

I'll be back.

RAM: What a truly
sensational girl.

A fantasy come to life.

Sensuous, erotic,

wild.

I'd been foolish
to waste my time
thinking of Susan.

Let her go and marry
her stupid Basil.

See if I care.

Jo was the one for me.

This bonfire of a girl

whose passions
were equal to mine.

You know what
I've been thinking, Doctor?

You ought to be on
the National Health,

because if you were,

this place would be knee-deep
in groaning girls.

Good lord,

I've got a photo session
early tomorrow morning,

so I'd better go home to bed.

Good night.

RAM: My love life
was a complete disaster,

but I was too busy
with my newfound career

to do anything about it.

The news that I'd treated
the Prime Minister

spread quickly, and I became
even more popular.

I think that's all, Doctor.
I'll be next Friday.

Thank you, Jean. Well,
I must be off as well.

It's my evening visit
to Lady Ammanford.

And don't forget, Doctor,
you have a 9: 00
tomorrow morning.

-Thank you, Hilda.
-Good night.

When are we gonna get 'round
to doing it, then?

Oh, one day next week.

Better make it Wednesday.
It's me day off.

Ram. Ram Das. What on earth
are you doing here?

I'm, Uh, I work here.

So you know each other.

We know each other, all right.

He's the most successful
doctor in the house,
aren't you, Ram?

He even treats
the Prime Minister.

Have a chat with him Norah,
while I make out
the prescription.

Did he say doctor?

[STUTTERING]
Yes. I'm a doctor.

And you treat
the Prime Minister?

Yes.

But that's not possible.
You're a bus conductor.

Not any longer, Norah.

Now, why don't you come
into my consulting room,
and I'll explain.

Listen, do me a favor, Norah.
They know nothing about
my past here.

What do you mean, your past?

You know, shepherds bush,
and the buses.

Why not? Nothing wrong
with being a bus conductor.

[CHUCKLES]
I know, but they don't
understand that.

You see, doctors are a bit
snobbish about
that sort of thing.

So you were studying
to be a doctor?

Yes, that's right.

Why didn't you say so?

[LAUGHING]
I just didn't think,
that's all.

When we met,
you said you were 23.

I know I did.

But it takes years
to be a doctor.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, you're right.
I'm really 30.

Then why did you say
you were 23?

I thought you might think 30
was a little too old.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Been out with men
twice that age.

-Is this all yours?
-Mmm-hmm.

When did you pass your exams?

About six months ago.

And you came straight
to Harley Street?

[CHUCKLES] That's right.

Can't get over it.
It's impossible.

A few months ago,
you were a bus conductor.

Now you're a doctor
in Harley Street.

Oh, you do massage. [GASPING]

Shh. Not so loud, my dear,
please.

Do you remember the last time
we saw each other?

How can I forget?
You still living at home?

Yeah, worse luck.
Keep meaning to get
a place of me own,

but every time I mention it,
my father gets violent.

Still working
at the dry cleaners?

Oh! Got a better job now.
Rag trade.

Around the corner from here
on Portland Street.

How did you meet Hilary Pike?

Got meself knocked up,
didn't I?

Girl from our firm
recommended him.

Knocked up?

-Pregnant, silly.
-Ah!

[LAUGHING]
That's a bit of a problem,
wasn't it?

Nah. Be over
in a couple of weeks.

And Hilly's great fun.
We've had a lot of laughs.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, Hilda.

I've just had a call
from Lady Ammanford.

She wants you to
get there early.

She says she has something
important to tell you.

I'm just leaving.

Lady Ammanford. My, my.

You know what, Ram?

You and I must have a nice

long chat.

Is something troubling you?
You look distressed.

Are you out of sorts?

No. It's just that I have a
rather, rather difficult case
at the moment.

You need a drink.

We'll have some champagne.

[BELL RINGS]

You've heard about Susan,
I suppose.

No. What?

She's broken off
her engagement.

He was quite wrong for her.

Always off climbing
some wretched mountain

or sailing his boat
or driving in some rally.

I, for one, am not
unhappy about it.

Damn Simons. Where is the man?

[RINGS THE BELL]

Now, I have some
real news for you.

I've made a big decision.

I'm going around the world.

Lady Ammanford, that is news.

The far east.

China, perhaps. Tahiti.
The Pacific.

I've seen them all before,

but I want to see them again.

-Will you be away long?
-Hmm.

I'm not sure.
Six months, perhaps.

Ram, it's been ages.
How are you?

Well...

And why didn't you tell me
he was coming?

I wanted to surprise you both.

I'm just going to see
what's happened to Simons.

The fool's probably flirting
with our new maid.

I've just heard about
you and Basil.

Oh, Basil.

Yes, well,
we had very little in common.

I thought of calling you
once or twice,

but couldn't think
of a good excuse.

I wish you had.
Someone gave me tickets for
the ballet the other night.

And I had no one to go with.

-Why don't you sit down?
-Thank you.

Perhaps we could have dinner
together one evening.

I'd like that. But why don't
you come to the flat?

-I'll make you something.
-That would be wonderful.

Mind you, I'm not a good cook
or anything like that,

so you'll have to
take your chance.

-I don't care
if it's a boiled egg.
-[CHUCKLES]

It seems Simons was showing
Alice the wine cellar.

That's why he didn't
hear the bell.

Aunt Grace, have you asked Ram
the big question yet?

No. I'm just about to.

Doctor, how would you like
to come 'round the world
with me

as my personal physician?

[SHUDDERING] Me?

How could I? My practice.

Take six months off.
It'll do you
the world of good.

If you can't
do the whole trip,
come for half.

Like Susan.

-Is Susan going?
-I'm flying out to join her
in Hong Kong.

You could come with her.

No. I could never afford it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I should have made
that quite clear.

You'd be my guest, of course.

I think it's a splendid idea.

Well, I'd love to come,

but I have a little problem
that I must deal with first.

It's all settled, then.

A toast...

To good friends.

Cheers.

Oh, you dear, dear man.

You don't know how happy
you've made me.

Hello, boys.

[PHONE RINGING]

Dr. Das speaking.

Hello, Doctor.

Norah?

Who else?
Are you free for lunch today?

I wasn't going to have lunch.

Could we meet
for a few minutes, then?

I suppose so,
if it's very important.

It's important, all right.

Where do you want to meet?

I'm going to Gucci's
in Bond Street
to buy a handbag.

They got a new coffee shop.

Why don't we meet there
at 1:30?

Very well. I'll see you then.

Bye!

Was this the one, madam?

Yes, this is the one.
I love this one.

It's a beautiful bag.

It's the only one
we've got left in that style.

I can't make up my mind
between them.

I like this one, too,
and I love the shape.

-What do you think, Ram?
Which one shall I have?
-They're both nice.

I'll leave you for a
few moments while you
make up your mind.

Thank you.

[LOW] I don't know where
you got such an insane idea,
but you're wrong.

You're a fake.
This one's got a nicer mirror.

Norah, you've got to
believe me.

-And I love the zip.
-[ZIPPING]

Can't we go somewhere
and talk?

This won't take very long.
Excuse me.

It'll be one of these two.
Could you tell me
the prices, please?

This is 90. And the lizard...

Oh, I'm sorry, there doesn't
seem to be a ticket.

-I'll go and find out.
-Thank you.

Surely you're not gonna
pay all that for a handbag.

I was hoping you might be able
to lend me the money.

Are you mad?
I don't have
that sort of money.

Successful doctor on
Harley Street

can't afford to buy
a girl a handbag?

Why are you doing this to me?

I'm not doing anything
to you, Ram.

Just asking for help
over a little handbag.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting,
madam, the lizard's 170.

-I'll take the lizard.
-You've made a good choice.

Shall I put it in a box
or would you like a carrier?

A carrier bag's fine.

Do you have an account,
or will you be paying cash?

How would you
like to pay, Rammy?

A check.

Make it payable to Gucci,
and put your name and address
on the back, sir. Thank you.

A hundred and seventy...

Pounds.

Your receipt's in the bag,
madam.

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

-Excuse me. Good-bye.
-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye, sir.
-This is blackmail.

Don't start talking
to me like that,

or I might turn nasty.

I can think of a few people
who'd be interested
to find out

about a bus conductor

who set up practice
in Harley Street.

-They wouldn't believe you.
-Wanna bet?

Taxi! As soon as I get rid
of my little problem,

you and I
must have some dinner.

You mean,
the bag isn't the end of it?

Oh, I just thought...
Can I have £2 for the taxi?

Ta-ta.
Portland Street, please.

See you soon, Doctor.

RAM: It occurred to me
that the simplest way out
was to kill myself,

and then I thought if
anyone's going to be killed,
it should be Norah.

Then I thought I must review
the situation calmly

and decide on a realistic
course of action,

but it was I.Q. who came up
with the solution.

Phone call for you, Norah.

Oh, ta.

Here you are.

Hilly?

-RAM: Norah?
-Yeah.

This is Ram. Ram Das.

I was wondering if you would
be free for dinner tonight.

What's all this?

Well, you wanted
to have dinner with me.
I'm suggesting tonight.

I was gonna have an
early evening. Hilly's away.

I know. He's gone to
a conference in Manchester.

Well, all right. What time?

Why don't you come
to Harley Street
at about 7:30?

Will you be there that late?

Yes. I have some work to do.

Where would we have dinner?

A place around the corner
on Devonshire Street.

Actually,
I was going to ring you.

I have to borrow some money.

Why don't we
discuss that tonight?

Oh, there's nothing
to discuss.
I just need some money.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good evening, Norah. Come in.

Didn't have time to go home.
Hope I'm dressed right.

-Oh! You look fine. Go on up.
-Thanks.

Certainly fool anyone
with this set-up.

Can I get you a drink?

-Got any gin?
-Absolutely.
With tonic, right?

Yeah, thanks.
Fancy you remembering that.

I am afraid,
there isn't any ice.

That's all right.

Hilly says you've got more
patients than he has.

Hmm. I've been lucky.

There's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

You haven't told Hilary
or your father

anything about me, have you?

I'm not daft.

[CHUCKLES] You really do look
like a doctor.

Don't think I'll ever
trust one again.

Must have taken
a lot of nerve.

-Not compared
with what you're doing.
-What do you mean?

Blackmail takes
a lot of nerve, doesn't it?

That's the second time
you've used that word.
It's not that at all.

Just a little arrangement
between the two of us.

I say nothing,
you help me financially.

And what makes you think
I'm able to do that?

You must be making a fortune.

Well, I'm not,

and a great deal of money
is still owed
to the syndicate.

What syndicate?

The one I borrowed
the money from.
Where do you think I got it?

I don't know.
Some friend, I suppose.

I don't have a friend
with that sort of money.

This syndicate, do they know
what you used the money for?

Mmm-hmm. It was their idea.

You mean there's this
group of people

and they said,
"We'll put up the money
for you to pose as a doctor"?

That's right.
And they charge
a huge interest.

Does this syndicate know
that I found out about you?

I told them.

What did they say?

You are about to find out.

NORAH: What do you mean?

Is this some kind of a joke?

-Is this her?
-This is her.

What's this? What's happening?

Sit down...pig!

I thought we were
going to dinner.
You said we were...

Shut up...pig.

-What's that?
-What do you think it is,
water pistol?

I'm three months' pregnant.
You shouldn't be frightening
me like this.

So, you are
the blackmailer, huh?

I'm no blackmailer.
It was a bit of fun.

Oh? £170 for a handbag?
That's your idea
of a bit of fun?

So...

You are going to have
an abortion, right?

I can't keep it.
I'm not married.

Oh, please,
spare us the excuses.

You should have
thought of that before.

Your father will be informed
about your pregnancy.

He will also
be informed, sorry,

that it was Ram Das here
who did the dirty deed.

Ram? But he's got
nothing to do with it.

Knowing of your father's love
for the colored races,

his reaction should be
very interesting,
to say the least.

He'll kill me.

Good. That will solve
everybody's problem.

Oh, please don't tell
my father.

-I won't do it again.
-Sit down,
sit down over here.

Now, then,
write what I tell you.

I, Norah Plumb...

Norah Plumb...

Am pregnant with the child...

With the child...

Of Ram Das...

[WEEPING] Ram Das...

With whom
I've been having
sexual intercourse.

You know how to
spell that, all right.

I'm also intending
to have an abortion

-by doctor...
-Abortion...

-What is his name?
-Hilary Pike.

Dr. Hilary Pike...

Hilary Pike...

With whom I've also been
having sexual intercourse.

[WEEPING]

Sexual intercourse.

Let me see that.

-Aborshun, s-h-u-n. Gee.
-[WEEPING]

Sign it, ignorant pig.

Ignorant...

No, no, with your name,
with your name. Sheesh.

Good. Should you ever attempt
again to blackmail
my colleague

or to communicate with him
in any way whatsoever,

this will be sent
to your father.

Should he not, in our opinion,
deal harshly enough with you,

the syndicate will!

The boys will give you
a good seeing to.

[GASPING]

Is that understood?

-Understood.
-Now get out.

You were great.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

RAM: I.Q.'s success
did wonders for me.

So I was in great shape
when, on Sunday evening,

I arrived full of hope
and anticipation

for that special date.

[HUMMING]

Hello.

Oh, Ram. It's all so awful.

-What's the matter?
-She's dead.

-Who's dead?
-Aunt Grace.

What?

Simons found her
in bed this morning.

She died in her sleep.

My God.

[STAMMERING]
I can't believe it.

I tried to
find you everywhere.

I was out all day.
How did it happen?

She seemed so well.

When I couldn't find you,
I called Dr. Klein.

She had heart disease.

Heart disease?

Apparently she'd
had it for years,

but she told Dr. Klein
she didn't want anybody
to know,

not even you.

I'd like another brandy,
please.

You're not driving,
are you, sir?

No.

No, I'm not driving.

FURZE: Doctor...

Doctor...

Wake up, Doctor.
Please wake up.

Have you been here all night?

Lady Ammanford died yesterday.

I know. Miss Partridge
called me,

but I didn't know how
to contact you.

Colonel Partridge just phoned.

He wants you to go
to Wilton Terrace at once.

He says it's most important.
Shall I call him back?

Thank you, Hilda.

Tell him I'll be there
in 30 minutes.

[PHONE DIALING]

[SIGHS]

Do I have any appointments?

Not until 11:30.

Would you like some aspirins?

Who put that there?

I think perhaps
you did, Doctor.

-Hello?
-Oh, Colonel Partridge?

[BELL RINGING]

Good morning, sir.

I'm terribly sorry, sir,
but I believe you wanted
to see me.

You better come in.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, Susan.

Hello.

Better sit down.

Thank you, sir.

[SIGHS]

Are you ill?

No, sir.
I just have a little headache.

I have something
very important
to say to you,

-so you better listen
very carefully.
-Yes, sir.

I'm the executor
of my sister's estate.

She has left a considerable
amount of money.

I should estimate
about £2 million.

To come to the point,

a few days ago,
she made a new will.

The money's to be shared
between six parties,

myself,

Susan,

Muff, Cassius, Emily,

and you.

Me? That's impossible, sir.

After death duties,
your share should amount
to about £250,000.

Colonel Partridge, I don't...

My daughter and I
have discussed this
at some length...

And have decided not to oppose
my sister's bequest.

It's most unusual
for a patient

to leave such a large sum
to her doctor,

but I intend
to honor her wishes.

Susan tells me you did much
to make her happy
during these last months.

I did nothing, sir.

Well, that's no
business of mine.

Now, I must be off.

Good day to you.

Susan, I'll be back for lunch.

I knew she was going
to leave you something.

She said if you were
prepared to abandon your
practice for six months,

just to make sure
she was all right,

then she wanted to do
something in return.

She loved you
very much, you know.

And I love you very much.

Aunt Grace thought you might.

She really was
most discerning.

She was the kindest person
I ever met.

She was a saint.

She was a fascinating lady,
but a saint she wasn't.

She was stubborn, cunning,
and manipulative.

And she always
got what she wanted.

RAM: Is this genuine?

Of course it's genuine.

Phony doctors,
that's one thing.

Phony passports,
that's quite another.

I got it from a friend
in the high commission.

Well, then I'll be able
to go on that trip after all.

If you still think
it's a good idea.

Of course it's a good idea.
And that's what Susan wants.

Susan...you're not going
to marry her, are you?

I will if she'll have me.

You must be completely,
totally out of your mind.

With the kind of money
you've got, you can pull
any bird in the country.

Why pick on the only one
that can ruin everything?

I don't want to pull
any bird in the country.

I want Susan.

-Now tell me,
how much did this cost?
-Nothing.

It's a present.

Well...

I have a present for you.

[CHUCKLES] Go on, open it.

50,000...

£50,000.

"Pay Mr. I.Q. Patel..."

You're giving me £50,000?

I wanted to share
my good fortune with you.

[WEEPING]

You're not supposed to cry.
You're supposed to be pleased.

[SNIFFLING]

But I don't know what to do
with so much money.

For a start, buy yourself
a clean handkerchief.

[SNIFFLING]

Have you...

Have you thought
what you will do

when you return
to this country?

Not really. Everything's
happening so fast.

There's one thing
that you must do.

Oh? What's that?

You must become a real doctor.

Yes, my son, you must
follow your destiny

and study until
you become a real doctor.

Now go to your Susan.

Leave me alone.

[WEEPING]

RAM: I.Q. Was right.

I must move on.
I must become a real doctor.

That's it, really.
The truth...

The whole truth...

And nothing but the truth.

I felt I had to, well...

I wanted to tell you
everything before we...

If you choose
never to talk to me again,
I'll understand.

I'll pack my bags
and go back to India.

Well...

Ram Das...

Come here.

We'll deal with the rest of
your problems tomorrow.

Now turn off that light,
take off your dressing gown,

and come to bed.

♪