For the Love of It (1980) - full transcript

[jazz]

[jazz]

You just made it,
we close at noon today.

[tires screeching]

Does he realize that is a
very expensive automotive
machine?

All the automotive machines
here are expensive.

We won't park
anything less than a Porsche.

This is some set of wheels
you got here, mister.

Strains
a little in third, though.

Third?

You had it in third?



In here?

Had to,
I was doing 70.

I'll have your job.

[door closing]

Nah.

You could never afford
this Maserati on my salary.

One of these days, you're all
gonna get fired!

[man]
Yeah, sure we will!

Where are they gonna find three
better drivers

to work at
poverty-level wages, right?

[laughing]
Yeah.

Only good thing about
being poor

is that
it's inexpensive.

[laughing]
Right.



Lock-up time.

Yeah!
Yo!

I don't
know about you guys,

but I'm going to the auto
show tonight

before I have to start
studying for my finals.

Auto show again.

I mean,
don't you get enough

of chrome and rubber
around here?

It's the fox on the Clenet
display,

the one with
every brick in place.

Give it up,
Russ,

You couldn't light that chick
up in a microwave.

I haven't turned
on my atomic charm yet.

[laughing]
Atomic?

You're running on cold,
brother.

Three times
you hit on her

with your
best line last night,

and three times she
put you down

faster than
the Dow Jones average.

Try a younger one,
Russ.

I bet
that model remembers

when Eisenhower was
president.

That's the way
I like 'em.

To me, a woman
becomes interesting at 28

and stays that way
for months.

[woman on speaker]
Louie Thomas.

Paging
Mr. Louie Thomas.

[jazz]

[woman on microphone]
The Calais Series
2 cabriolet

comes
in two-passenger

or four-passenger
models.

It's a
beauty, isn't it?

How much is it,
miss?

$67,500
plus tax and license.

[mysterious music]

[woman on speaker]
Passengers for
flight 9 to Paris

may now
board at gate 15.

Flight 22
nonstop to Rome

is now open for boarding
at gate 9.

[man]
It's her.

[man]
Mmm.

Well, now, Norman,
now.

No, we'll wait till
she claims her baggage.

But, but we can't
just let her 'excape'.

Escape, George, the word is
escape, not 'excape'.

Come on.

[woman on speaker]
Flight 18 to London

is now in its final boarding
stages at gate 3.

[mysterious music]

Grab mine first, and
this five's yours.

No sweat,
Ms. Carney.

It's that one.

[action music]

Wrong bag.

It's
the wrong bag.

[action music]

The
right bag!

Come on.

Damn.

[action music]

Taxi!

[action music]

[engine starts]

[Russ]
Oh, is she something, or
is she something?

You know, if she were
black, she'd be beautiful.

Didn't help
you.

[laughing]

Oh, wait
till you hear her voice.

She, she must soak her tongue
in honey every morning.

[laughing]

Good
afternoon.

[everyone]
Good afternoon.

I see some
of the same smiling faces

that have been attending
the festivities

since
we began yesterday.

Just goes to show
you newcomers

what an attractive piece
of machinery I've got here.

[mysterious music]

Hey, look,
Norman, there she goes now.

We let her get away
again,

you and I
are going to end up

picking coffee beans
in Ecuador.

But this whole thing's been
a wild goose 'case'.

Chase!

The expression is wild goose
chase, George.

Aw, get off my back,
Norman.

[action music]

[woman on speaker]
Miss Angela Santon.

Paging Miss Angela Santon,
please.

[jazz]

Now, this magnificent
machine

was handcrafted
by dedicated artisans.

In an automated
world,

nothing is ever
handcrafted,

[car door closing]
unfortunately, today--

Excuse me, miss,
but you--

Anita!

What--

It's built on a reinforced
Lincoln-Mercury chassis,

powered by
a 351 Cleveland engine

with an automatic
overdrive.

The body is made
of hand-formed steel,

and I'll be back after a brief
intermission, excuse me.

[car door closing]

Three weeks,
Anita, I was worried sick!

Barbara,
I'm in trouble, big.

You've gotta do me
a favor.

Anything,
you know that.

Okay,
let's go.

No, wait, wait,
wait.

I just want to hear
her voice one more time.

No, you won't be
able to hear anything

but the grumbling of my stomach
if we don't eat first.

Yeah, let's
get some junk food.

Okay, why not?

I mean, I haven't
had my daily allowance

of nitrites yet
today.

I mean,
heck, it is no fun

if it isn't dangerous,
right?

Good afternoon,
Father.

This is for a locker
in the downtown bus station.

In there is a small
makeup case.

If I'm not
back in two days,

take that case to
San Diego.

But where
in San Diego?

There she is.

[action music]

[Norman]
Not again.

[action music]

Come on.

No, no.

Come on!

[action music]

What a--
Look at the mess!

Look at this!

Look at all
these fries!

Oh, for crying
out loud.

Hey, lady,
you dropped your purse!

Uh, I was
just gonna call you.

They were at the airport
when I arrived.

I couldn't
stop to phone.

I've been
on the run for 36 hours.

Tell him it's all
taken care of.

I did the job,
I was gonna bring it to him,

honest--
nobody else.

I-- I've got it
in a safe place.

What are you doing?

[mysterious music]

Miss?

Miss...

Miss!

Watch out
for the man--

with eyes--

in back
of his head.

[mysterious music]

[woman on radio]
48 to the main jail,
acknowledge.

[woman on radio]
38-75, repeat
the location and stand by.

You found
the body?

Yeah,
who are you?

CIA, we're gonna have to
ask you some questions.

Yeah,
in a minute.

Now.

Take your hands off me,
mister,

or one of us is gonna
end up searching for his teeth.

Oh...

Fernando,
get the priest, huh?

Doesn't seem to be
a mark on the body.

Well, the autopsy will tell
the story.

Could be poison.

Yeah,
well, I'm--

Episcopalian,
actually.

Just say
something over her.

But I don't know the faith
of the deceased,

and it wouldn't
be, uh, kosher.

The Lord's Prayer will do
just fine, Father.

Uh...

[woman on radio]
68-91 to the station,
70-94, clear.

If he's Episcopalian,
I'm Korean.

Huh?

I'm Episcopalian.

There's not a priest
in my church

that would be caught dead

wearing argyle socks
and brown shoes.

Now, we may
not be the richest religion,

but we are the most
fashionable.

We're gonna have to ask you
to come on downtown.

We are downtown.

To the federal
building.

We have questions to ask,
things to find out, 'excetera'.

That's etcetera.

This guy
a friend of yours?

He is now.

[George]
We're not fooling
around here, kids.

We're talking
murder,

we're talking spies,

we're talking international
complications.

Let's try it
one more time, hmm?

You tell me,
and I'll tell you.

The government
doesn't make deals.

That's not what
I've heard.

We're not criminals.

Russell was just trying
to return the woman's purse.

Yeah, he tries
to do the chivalrous thing,

and we get
in trouble.

Okay.

Okay, let's start fresh,
huh?

Right from square one.

No rancor,
no 'recrinimations'.

Recriminations.

Have it your way.

We're all just buddies,
right?

[laughing sarcastically]
Go on.

Ever since the late Anita Carney
left Russia,

she was being
chased by someone

who was trying
to kill her.

Well,
that's obvious.

But why?

She had important information
we need.

What was
the information?

I don't know.

Then why were you
chasing her?

We-- we were trying to save
her life.

Who was
trying to kill her?

I don't know that
either.

Where in Russia
was she?

I-- I haven't
the slightest.

Why does our government
want this information?

Look, I--
I was following orders.

That's what they all
say.

It sounds
very suspicious to me.

Listen, I want you
to talk,

and I want you
to talk fast.

I want answers,
and I want them now.

Who was
that woman?

What was she doing
in Russia?
What are you
doing here?

What are we doing
here?

[Norman]
What's going on here?

I can't leave you alone
for a minute.

Your timing stinks,
Norman.

I was close to getting
something from them.

They're
a bunch of 'incontepents.'

The word's
incompetents.

Come on.

You stay right here,
miss.

Does anyone have
a box of tissues?

Uh--
will this help?

Thank you.

I am
about to cry.

I have not cried
in over seven years.

[weeping]
This could go on for hours.

Oh, please don't.

I-- I-- I can handle
anything except that.

It's-- it's
impossible to deal with.

She was close to being
my best friend...

since Jane Lewis
got married

and moved to Seattle.

I mean, we weren't just people
that pass in the hallways

and shared
an elevator.

When I went
away for the weekends,

I trusted her with
my plants.

I used to feed
her cat before it ran away,

[weeping]
and we used to do each
other's nails, and--

now she's dead,
and I don't know why.

Can we do
something to help?

No.

I've been a comfort
to a lot of ladies.

Why do you look so
familiar?

[Fernando]
He looks familiar

because he's been
trying to pick you up

for the past
two days.

You use
the most trite clichés.

I think two of them
are in the Bible.

Who are you--
one of them?

I'm Russ Moran.

Uh-- we park cars

to pay our way
through medical school,

and I'm not
one of them.

He's one of us.

I'm
Fernando Forzelito.

We all live
together.

I'm Alfred Leon,
I'm tall.

Ignore him,
he's studying dentistry.

Well, we all
have to be something.

Bu--, what's your connection
with all this?

Oh, I was trying to help
your friend when, uh--

when I found her.

Thank you.

So,
what's your name?

Makes
no difference,

we'll never see
each other again.

Nonsense.

We're gonna be talking
about this

on our 25th
anniversary,

so we'd better
start now,

because 25 years go by
before you even realize it.

So,
your place or--

your place?

Forget it!

I'm going to find out
what happened to Anita.

Well, uh,

we can find out
together.

We'll go over
to your place,

we'll drink
some white wine,

I'll tell you all
about me,

and you
tell me all about Anita.

Now, what did she say to you
up on that platform?

Nothing.

The lady's
absolutely right.

Trust no one.

After all,
we may be government agents.

Heard enough?

We're innocent!

And if we don't get
out of here right away,

I'm gonna call my senator
in Washington.

And if I can
wake him up,

you guys
are gonna be

night watchmen in
The Cow Palace.

What do you think?

I think the girl knows
more than she's saying,

but we can't hold them
much longer.

Come on.

How did you know that was
a two-way mirror?

Why else
would it be there?

The CIA may be inept,
but they're not subtle.

Okay, from now on,
we're a team.

Or at least
until Monday afternoon,

when I have to take
my anatomy final.

Do you sincerely
want to help,

or is this
just an elaborate ploy

to try to get me
into bed?

One challenge
at a time, my dear.

First, I have to prove
my sincerity,

then my manhood.

[George]
Okay, you can go.

But don't any of you
leave town.

We may need you
for further questioning.

Oral or written?

Wise guy.

Thank you.

Oh...

[jazz]

You got
an oral fixation.

You need to quit
those things.

Cold turkey?

Yes, I did.

Okay.

Good man.

[laughing]

[woman]
You don't even know
my name.

How about Nancy?

How about Barbara?

Oh, no, You don't look
like a Barbara.

Barbaras drink
root beer, eat fish,

and marry short guys
named Sid.

You're gonna marry
a tall guy named Russ.

I'd hate to have
your nerve in a tooth.

It's not nerve,
it's self-confidence,

which you're in need of,
Nancy.

Barbara,
Barbara Gibbons.

And I prefer
older men.

I'll get older
every year,

and by the time
you hit 39 and hold,

I'll pass you.

Stop pushing.

You wanna get married
in a church,

or just want
to live together?

You're confirming
my instincts.

I spent my youth
marching for peace

while you were sneaking
into the bathroom

to read
your father's Playboy.

Penthouse.

Whatever, the fact is that
we're in two different orbits.

You're a
Penthouse Playboy,

and I'm a US News
and World Reports.

Good-bye.

Hey,
wait a minute!

Where do you think
you're going?

To the bus depot.

But the federales,

they told us
not to leave town.

I'm not, but I need
to get-- nothing.

You can trust me.

I don't trust
any man.

Sexist!Clown!

Hey, look at us,
we're communicating.

Look,

I really
appreciate

what you tried to do
for Anita,

but not what
you're doing with me,

so please go away.

All right, let me bring you
back to reality, Barbara.

Your best friend
is dead.

You wanna
find out why.

Now, you can do it
yourself

and suffer the fate
of most do-it-yourselfers,

or you can accept
our help.

And I promise that I won't
hit on you--

till after we solve this,
of course.

She gave me a key to a locker
at the bus depot

and some
very odd instructions.

Taxi?

Take you anywhere in town
for $2.00.

With the price of shoes
these days,

it's cheaper
than walking.

Come on.

Hey, guys, come on,
we got a ride!

[engine starts]

[horn honking]

Look, you're gonna have
to give me directions,

I'm a new driver.

All right, look, you
go straight down this street,

and then when you get
to the third traffic light,

you hang a right,
all right?Right.

According to your license,
your name is Himmelfarbing.

No, no, Himmelfarbing
is my partner.

See,
he owns the cab.

Gotta work two jobs today
if you want to eat steak.

Ah, you know,

man cannot live
by rice alone.

[brake releasing air]

It's just
a plain makeup case.

Lipstick, mascara,
mirror...

phony
beauty marks?

What's in
the envelope?

"If you read this,
it means that I am--

"that I am dead.

"Use the key
for my post-office box

"at the downtown
terminal.

"There should
be a check in there.

"Take the check and deliver it
with the makeup case.

"It'll be
worth your while.

Anita."

[tires screeching]

[Barbara screaming]

You're coming
with us.

Forget that,
you're coming with me.

Oh, no, you're coming
with me!

[suspense music]

[action music]

[gunshots]

[action music]

[gunshots]

An Asian
taxi driver?
A little old woman!

A phony priest?

Why are they
after us?

They're not after us, boys,
they're after you,

probably for the key
or that makeup case there,

neither of which is worth
anyone's life.

That depends on what's
in the post-office box.

I wonder if I look as bad
as I feel.

[disgusted]
Oh!

[relieved]
Oh.

How do I look?

Like John-Boy
on The Waltons.

All right, enough of this,
come on,

we gotta figure out
a way of helping you out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, man.

What is this "we"
stuff?

Getting killed
is not a civil right I cherish.

Oh, what happened to "one
for all and all for one", boys?

[Fernando]
Paso Robles, man.

Include me out
with Al.

Fernando, who was it
who convinced your girlfriend

she was having religious
hallucinations

when she
caught you with two--

count 'em, two stewardesses
wrestling on our couch?

Hey, the man is
massaging your guilt complex.

The man plays
filthy pool.

Look, it's not safe for you
to go home now.

They're probably
waiting for you right there.

Yeah, they probably have
the place staked out

right about now,
too.

Yeah,
they're gonna grab you

before you can even walk
in that door,

so my suggestion
is--
I see you have

the rest of my life
mapped out for me.

Well, I'm a Virgo,
we're compulsive.

I'm a Taurus,
we make our own decisions.

Hey, listen, I'd invite you
up to our place,

but the chattering of they two
would keep you up all night,

so let me just
tell you one thing--

Hey, hey, man,
look,

I'm not exactly excited
about being a clay pigeon.

There's
a lot of lonely ladies

who haven't yet had
the pleasure of my pleasures.

It won't work.

We'll make it work,
I know what women want.

Yes, Doctor?

Women
don't want sex,

they just want
to be held.

Call this
protective custody.

Hey,
here's the bus.

[brake releasing air]

Uh, hey, listen, I'll see
you, guys, in the morning!

Yeah, you should live
so long.

You're a very determined
young man.

Aries rising.

Taurus leaving.

Oh, Barbara,

you just can't walk out
of my life like this.

You haven't
heard my plan.

I can see your plan.

I just don't want
to let you get away so easy.

I've invested too many hours
of fantasy on you already.

Now, we're
gonna have Chinese food.

We're gonna stay up all night,
we're gonna greet the dawn.

We're gonna go
to the post office.

If you were the last person
in San Francisco,

I wouldn't eat
Chinese food with you.

So, do you want the braised
shrimp

or the shredded pork
with your egg rolls?

I still
don't understand

how you persuaded me
to come here.

You're not as tough
as you think you are.

[soft music on piano]

Are your eyes
really that color,

or do you dye them?

Why are you so intent on this
obvious pursuit?

A good-looking man
with your charm and appeal

can have any girl
he wants.

If I'm so charming,
good-looking,

and appealing,
why are you fighting me?

Charming, good-looking men
don't appeal to me.

The shrimp,
please.

Oh, and some more
hot mustard, thank you.

Ew!

How can you eat
that stuff?

The hotter,
the better.

If it doesn't blow smoke
out of your ears,

it's mayonnaise.

[giggling]

[soft music on piano]

In '69 and '70,
I marched for peace.

In '71,
it was for Biafra.

In '72, it was
women's rights.

Hmm,
a bra-burner.

Just toasted them.

[giggling]

[soft music on piano]

In 1973, I worked for
The American Indian Movement

and marched against bombing
Cambodia.

In '74 I--

That's a lot
of marching.

And all you got out
of it was sore feet, right?

I'm still protesting.

Save the Whales
and Stop Nuclear Power.

You know, the only time I ever
marched for anything

was in
The St. Patrick's Day parade

because my father
made me,

I was 8 years old,
and I cried for 5 miles.

I march because
I'm a patriot.

Right or wrong,
I love this country,

and I'd hate to see it end
either with a bang or a whimper.

I believe in caring.

I believe
in people,

and caring
doesn't mean a thing

unless it helps
people.

[soft music on piano]

No one person gave me
as much sheer

and complete satisfaction
as President Nixon.

When he resigned.

When are people gonna
forgive and forget

poor
Robert M. Nixon?

Robert?

Tricky Bob.

Don't you care
about anything?

Yeah, at one time, I had
some faith in motherhood,

apple pie,
and the American way.

Then came
Watergate, artificial coloring,

and my mother
turned 40,

decided she was
missing something in life,

and ran off with a Venezuelan
bus boy.

These days, um,

I only believe
in the here and now,

and sometimes I'm not so sure
about the here.

If you're really as cynical
as you're trying to sound,

why are you studying
medicine?

[laughing]

That brings us
back to helping people.

[soft music on piano]

May I propose
a toast?

As long
as it's not to us,

because as soon as
we finish eating,

you go your way.

[glass breaking]

Boy, they sure aren't
making crystal

the way
they used to.

Somebody's shooting
at us!

[action music on piano]

[grunting]

[crashing piano keys]

[glass breaking]

Now, lady...

why don't you
come on--

[teapot whistling]

[action music]

[coughing]

Oh, no,
no, no, no.

[action music]

Are you okay?

Oh!

[gasping]
Hot, hot.

Come on, come on.

Ugh!

Oh, you really
shouldn't, oh, my gosh.

Come on,come on.
This is really...

[action music]

[soft music on piano]

[streetcar bell tinkling]

Thank you,
this is very nice.

I appreciate it.

But why did you insist
on buying it?

It's the perfect symbol
for our new relationship.

It's new,
it's fragile...

And plastic.

I'm
getting sleepy,

can't we just sit down
and rest somewhere?

I'd suggest that we,
uh, checked into a motel,

but you'd probably break
my jaw, wouldn't you?

In four places.

So I won't suggest
we check into a motel.

It'd be
a lot cheaper

than driving around in
my car all night.

My car only gets
about 40 feet to the gallon.

[streetcar bell tinkling]

[sighing]

A motel
might be safer.

This is
a Merchrysler-Benz.

I built it myself with
a few spare parts

from a Chevy,
Dodge, and Rambler.

There are even some gears
from an old Packard.

They don't make
cars like this any more.

[banging door]

[laughing]

Well, one side is yellow,
and the other side is blue.

Are you really
into paint?

No, silly.

That's if I get
into an accident,

there'll be
conflicting eyewitness reports.

[sighing]

[laughing]
Here we go again.

[banging door]

Works like a charm
every time.

[sirens]

[banging dashboard]

Don't you have
a key?

I always lose keys,
it's easier this way.

[banging dashboard]

[engine accelerating]

The license plates
belong to some car

that was dumped in the bay
along with its owner

about
four years ago.

[laughs]
So every time
I get a parking ticket,

it goes on the record of some
small minor-syndicate thug

whose name
has already been forgotten.

Of course, once I get my MD
and go into practice,

I'll trade this in
for a more sedate vehicle.

I mean,

who'd have any confidence
in a doctor

who did house calls
in a gruntmobile like this?

Come to think
of it,

who's gonna trust
a doctor who makes house calls?

[yawning]

Am I keeping you
awake?

Actually, yes.

Are you defensive
with all men,

or--
or is it just me?

[giggling]
That's a rhetorical question,

because the answer's
obvious.

Oh, somebody once said
that a bachelor's a guy

who never makes the same mistake
once, and I agree.

Do you agree?

I agree.

But
on the other hand,

there's a lot to be said
for marriage.

I don't know what it is,
but there's-- there's lot.

So the guy asked me what
my phone number is.

Well, I always convert
my phone numbers into words.

It's easier to remember
seven-letter words

than seven numbers.

So I tell him my number
spells out "quickly."

He says to me--

I'm hungry.

No, no, quickly.

My number,
quickly.

What time is it?

Oh, the post office
just opened.

Uh, no, no, no,
you stay here,

I'll go in and get
whatever it is in the box.

I'll be right back.

I'll do it.

Now, look,

you've been sleeping
for six hours.

I could have stolen
the key from your purse

and ravaged you in
no particular order.

Now, you still have the key
and your honor intact.

And you've no idea
how beautiful and desirable

you are when you're
asleep.

Why are you
doing this for me?

How about
because I want to?

There must be
an ulterior motive.

You think everybody
that meets you

wants
to take you to bed?

Well, it's just
not true.

I'm not sure
if I like that.

I mean, it's terrible to be
a sex object.

On the other hand,
it's...

it's terrific
to be desirable.

Consider yourself
terrific.

[romantic music]

[suspense music]

What if she starts
screaming?

All over America,
people scream all the time.

Mostly it's just
to be heard.

Let's move!

[suspense music]

Let go of me!

What are you doing?

Let go of her,
you--!

Knock it off,
lady!

We're making
a movie here.

The camera's
right over there.
No!

Now we'll have to shoot
all over again.

Let go of me!

[Barbara screaming]

[action music]

[romantic music]

[funny kettle drum]

[romantic music]

[action music]

[motorbike engine accelerating]

Excuse me, uh, miss,
did you see--

Shh.

Uh, there was
an attractive lady

in that car,
over there,

and I was wondering
if maybe--

Oh, you must be
part of the film company.

Are you a star?
Huh?

Well, they just did
the kidnap scene and drove off,

but they'll probably come around
and shoot it again,

'cause
I think I ruined it.

They won't give me
any trouble, will they?

Lady.

There's enough trouble to go
around for everybody.

[Russ]
Listen, I have told this story
six different times already.

She didn't stand me up,
she was kidnapped!

K-I-D-napped.

Oh, uh.

O-- okay, okay,
listen.

You got my number.

You call me if you hear
anything, all right?

Okay, great.

Gr-- great.

[upset]
Great, just great!

You know, the major
problem

with filing
missing persons reports

is the whereabouts
of the police.

So what
are you gonna do?

We're going to the address
on that check.

Start packing, boys.

Well, you know, I always
did want to see San Diego.

Not me.

I got a date
with the whole left side

of the Stanford
cheerleading squad.

Well, let me put it to you
this way, Fernando.

If you
don't help me,

I'm gonna circulate
a rumor

to every woman
in the Bay Area

that you have an ailment curable
only by death.

[coughing]

You wouldn't.

No?

[screaming]
Ladies, women, girls!

Beware of Fernando--

[spluttering]

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Got it.

Well,
what's happening?

My wife wants me to bring home
a loaf of bread.

Is that all?

And
some cream cheese.

Oh, and Barbara Gibbons
has been kidnapped.

Chief, do you have
any aspirin?

[gasping]
I've got some.

Industrial strength?

No.

[engine accelerating]

What's this?

What does it
look like?

In this business,

things are never
what they look like.

Please
don't do that.

It was a gift.

If you just tell me
what you're looking for,

I might be able
to help.

Your friend stole
some very important papers

from The Soviet war
office.

We want them.

Who's we?

Army intelligence.

Which army?

United States Army,
of course.

But the other guys
were from the CIA.

The klutziest group
in Creation.

Yeah,
a bunch of stumblebums.

But wait a minute.

I mean, you're all
on the same team.

No, we're
in a different league.

Where are you
taking me?

To an army-air force base
north of San Diego.

Then we're gonna
fly you to Washington.

Then I deposit you in
The Pentagon.

Then I can
take my vacation.

Think I'll take a cruise
this year,

maybe
to The Caribbean.

You ever been
on a cruise?

Why don't you and the CIA
get together

and decide
who's running the show?

I mean, there's no need
for kidnapping

and guns
and tying me up.

I have
my orders, Miss Gibbons,

and those are
to take you

to army intelligence
headquarters, and that's it.

Now, you want a bite
to eat?

It's gonna
be a long trip.

This van has a 60-gallon
fuel capacity,

so we won't be stopping.

Yes, you will.

No, we won't,
those are my orders.

I don't care
what your orders are.

I don't have a 60-gallon
capacity.

[disco music on radio]

[bell tinkling]

Ain't got no gas,

probably not till a week
from next Tuesday.

Ain't got
no diesel either

and ain't got no quarter
too.

Hey, you got
a ladies' room?

No.

Since the local
women-libber ladies

came through here
last month,

[giggling]
it's a person's room now.

It's right
around back.

[birds singing]

[dog barking]

I'm 'a wait outside that door
for 60 seconds.

If you're not out
by then, I'm coming in.

Is that clear?
Yes.

You want some air?

I got plenty
of that.

It's about the only thing
you can get free these days.

No peeking.

[door locking]

[dog barking]

[coin tinkling]

[answering machine]
If the number you need
isn't in your directory,

please stay on the line.

When the operator answers,
give the city and name.

[woman on phone]
What city, please?

Whatever city this is,
I want the police.

Don't you
know where you are?

Somewhere south
of San Francisco.

Well, try 555-2200,
and good luck.

Thanks.

Are you serious?

We're going to San Diego,
not Tierra del Fuego.

I got to look good,
right?

I heard
San Diego produces

the best-looking chicks
in 11 western states.

[answering machine]
You've reached
the county Police.

All our lines are
busy now.

If you need a police car,

please wait or call
the operator for informa--

All right,
come on out.

I--
30 seconds more?

Quickly.

He said "quickly."

Oh, no.

I don't wanna hear
any comments.

I always travel with him,
and that's the way it is.

[spluttering]

Okay, okay.

I used to carry
a St. Christopher medal,

but when he got
demoted to just plain Chris,

I decided that nothing
was sacred...

except for Teddy.

[telephone rings]

[making fake voice]
Hello, Buckingham Palace,
Bucky speaking.

[with regular voice]
Yeah, just hold on,
yeah, just a minute.

Would you accept
a collect call from Barbara?

Are you kidding?

Just listen and say nothing,
I've been kidnapped.

I'm in a gas station about
30 miles southern city.

Now, we're in a tacky
black van and we're--

[man knocking door]
I'm coming in.

Uh--
please, Russ, hurry.

[man]
So Superman smiles and says:

[laughing]
"Yeah,
she was surprised,

but not nearly as surprised
as The Invisible Man was."

[laughing]

Ain't that a hooter?

No.

Well,
have you heard the one

about how Benjamin Franklin
invented

the electric garter belt?

Yeah,
I've heard 'em all.

[engine accelerating]

Well,
how about this one

about two short
stewardesses

were on a flight
to Pittsburgh and, uh--

[Fernando]
You're gonna get us all killed!

[Russ]
Hey, I know
what I'm doing.

[Al]
Stop playing around.

[Fernando]
Am I getting pale?

I feel
like the blood in my face

has settled in my toes.

Hey, Al,
see if you can raise anybody

down the coast
on the CB, huh?

It's too far, and there's
too many buildings around us.

Well,
try anyhow, huh?

It's very powerful.

All right.

Yeah, breaker, breaker,
this is Kevin P.

calling
anyone going south.

We need some information.

Harvey Mookie here down
in Land Hill going nowhere.

What's happening?

We're looking
for a van and a girl

with some guys in it.

Have you seen
anything like that?

Matter of fact,

they came in to use
the facility a while back.

Why, just out yonder
a way back.

It was a pretty girl
and two guys

with no sense of humor.

All right,
let's go!

[horn honking]

[engine accelerating]

[Barbara]
Are you really
army intelligence?

[man]
22 years.

I'm a lieutenant
colonel.

When I bring you in,

it'll probably mean
I'll get my bird.

You deserve one.

[action music]

[gunshot]

[tires screeching]

[melancholic music]

[action music]

Hello.

We saw your tire
blow.

Can we be
of any assistance?

Uh, it's all right,
I think we can handle it.

Uh!

[action music]

[funny music]

[action music]

[men humming]

[funny music]

[Oriental music]

Ah, we meet again,
my dear.

Would you like
a nice cup of tea?

[suspense music]

[seagulls cawing]

Well,
what do you think?

Yep, it's them,
all right.

Well, why would they
leave it here?

That's 'irrevelant'.

Uh, the word is irrelevant,
George.

We get paid for results,
not for 'pronounciation'.

That's
pronunciation.

Norman, I swear,
one of these days,

one of these days,
'whop'!

It's whap, George.

[engine accelerating]

[funny music]

[stretching]
Auum!

I didn't get any sleep
last night.

Do you
want me to drive?

No, no, we can't stop now.

Why stop?

Move over, come on.

Oh, here we go
again.

Take your time.

What are you flakes
doing?

Don't worry,
the last time we did this,

we only maimed three people,
you got the wheel?

I got it,
I got it, okay.

Okay, I got my foot
on the accelerator.

Ooh, ow,
my kidneys.

All right.
Okay,
you got it now?

Yeah, I got it,
I'm under control.

Okay.

Whoo-hoo-hoo,
thank you!

I just finished making
a few deals with God.

[tires screeching]

[engine accelerating]

[tires screeching]

Whoo, look at it!

Hey, Fernando,
this is the one.

Hey, maybe he saw
something.

Hi.

Um, did you see what happened
in that van over there?

You are a cop?

Do I look like a cop?

Do I look like
a computer programmer?

No.

Good.

My disguise is
working.

Yeah, I saw
what happened.

Two little guys and
an Oriental

came along
in a black limo.

Then they whacked those
two cats in the van

and drove off with as cute
a piece of fluff as I ever saw.

That other group claimed
to be US army intelligence.

And you are?

FBI.

Oh, I don't believe
any of this.

As you wish.

I am being kidnapped
by the FBI

away from army
intelligence,

who were trying
to make sure

I didn't fall in
the hands of the CIA?

Exactly.

They were taking me to an air
force base near San Diego.

Well, we're only
going as far

as the federal building
in Los Angeles.

Uh, you sure?

Why don't you
guys get together?

We're only concerned
with the FBI.

Military intelligence
is hardly intelligent,

and the CIA has been
in disrepute

since The Bay of Pigs.

But we--

we had our own TV show.

[Russ]
Breaker, breaker.

This is Bugsy Moran,
I'm calling anyone.

I'm still looking for that
long black limo.

Every car with a CB

is looking for
a long black limo.

Somebody named Bugsy Moran

is 8 mi
behind us and gaining.

Stop in Santa Barbara.

I got an idea.

This Mr. Moran a
friend of yours?

Would I have a
friend named Bugsy?

You know, I don't have
the plans or the papers

or whatever
it is you want.

I swear I don't.

I don't even know
what they are.

Well, then, you should,
Miss Gibbons.

You see, The Russians
have formulated a military plan

of attack on the Middle East
for when the oil runs low,

and your friend Anita somehow
got ahold of those plans.

Now, I don't know
who she works for.

Obviously it
wasn't the FBI.

Or the CIA or army
intelligence.

But what has that
got to do with me?

You are our only link
to Anita Carney

and those plans
and her killers.

[suspense music]

Electric Cowboy
to Bugsy Moran.

Long black limo at
the car paint store--

1501 West 20th Street
in Santa Barbara.

Over.

I got it, Cowboy,
muchas gracias.

That's a big 10-4.

Yeah, about six hours to
get it dried properly.

Well, how long
for wet?

Wet,
are you kidding?

I've got four cars
ahead of you.

No way!

Look, mister, there's a nice
$200 bonus in it for you

if you get this car
white instantly

and get it out of here
in 20 minutes.

Cash?
Cash.

Mister, you got
yourself a deal.

Later.

Come on.
You're coming with me.

All right, now, we're gonna
sit over there for 20 minutes,

and I advise you
to sit very quietly,

and I seriously advise you
to mind your own business.

You get it?
Got it.

Keep it.

[engine starting]

Don't signal them
in any way

if you know what's
good for you.

I won't.

Fine, because
I hate violence.

It's so--
it's so.

Violent?

You got a gift
for words.

How long have you
been with The Bureau?

Ever since I saw James Stewart
in "The FBI Story."

I really identify
with James Stewart.

That sound strange to you?

When I saw
"The Black Stallion,"

I identified with
the horse.

He is much taller than
I am, you know.

The horse?

Jimmy Stewart.

He's taller
than the horse.

[Fernando]
I think we can
take 'em.

Not with my
face we don't.

Listen, I've been shot
at enough already.

What we need
is a diversionary tactic.

Like what?

I'll start a fight
with those bikers.

While they wipe
the floor up with me,

you two snatch Barbara.

[door slam]

[quickly steps]

[horn honking]

Hey, Helen's Angels.

You talking to us?

You guys think you're
pretty terrific, huh?

Why not?

Self-esteem
is very important.

Those outfits,
they're a joke.

Basically,
they're for protection.

Some people find
that funny.

Your mother
wore army boots.

She still does.

She's stationed at Fort Ord,
and the whole family's proud.

In fact, I have a picture
here of her in uniform.

Marlon Brando's a sissy!

What?!

You heard me.

I'll accept personal invective,
innuendo, and contumely,

but don't you dare cast
aspersions on Marlon Brando!

And the same goes
for Peter Fonda!

And Jack Nicholson!

Yeah?

Well, they all
ride sidesaddles!

What?!

[grunting]

Get him!

[action music]

[air pressure released]

[everyone shouting]

What's happening,
brother?

Gee, man, that's a bad
suit you got on, man.

I wish I had one of them.

Guys, fight right over there.

Go get 'em.

[grunting]

[everyone shouting]

[everyone talking]

[engine blasting]

[Barbara screaming]

[funny music]

The army was taking me
to Washington,

The FBI to
Los Angeles--

And I'm taking you
to San Francisco.

We can't go back now.

Anita was killed because
she stole something.

They think
I know what it is,

and whoever killed her
is looking for me.

What did she steal?

Some kind of plans.

I don't know.

It-- What was in the
post-office box?

Uh, it was an unsigned check
from the Jim Joy Toy Company

in San Diego, $100,000
made out to cash.

I got 60 names
in my phone book.

There is not one I would
go through this for.

That man's in trouble.

The man is in love.

But he's got about
as much chance

of making the
ground move for her

as Howard Hughes has of
becoming president.

Howard Hughes is dead.

You got a swift mind,
Fernando.

Well, you gonna
come with me?

I have an anatomy
final on Monday.

Well, that's okay.

Commitment is what separates
the men from the boys.

May I have that check,
please?

Hey, look.

I've risked my life for you,
and all I've gotten is lip.

I never promised you
that much.

Now, wait a minute!

I've just had about--

Listen, I'd
be quite willing

to see this thing through
to the end,

but I really don't
know a thing about you.

I know about you.

You're clumsy.
Oh, you're clumsy.

I like men with a good sense
of humor about themselves.

I enjoy debating
political issues,

and I'll take either side just
to have a good verbal bout.

And I like all-night
vigils

in front of various
state capitols,

clear nail polish,
and my steak medium-rare.

Enough?

No, not nearly.

I have to know
whether you like

Willie Nelson, Thin Lizzy,
or Gustav Mahler.

If the presidency's
the toughest job in the world,

why do so many people
want it?

And why is it, no matter
how empty a toothpaste tube is,

you can always squeeze out
enough for one more brushing?

Ah, the important things.

Mm, yeah.

Do you trust me?

I called you, didn't I?

Will you let me
make a decision?

I'll let you make
a suggestion.

Okay.

[tires screeching]

I can only take
one of you.

Uh, no, thanks.
We'll wait.

This is not
your option.

It's mine.

Get in the car, miss,
stay right there.

Stay right where you are.

I can kill you all
in 2.5 seconds.

[supense music]

I also like men
who never give up.

[engine accelerating]

Never!

That's it, no
more Mr. Nice Guy.

[tires screeching]

Hey.
Hey, look!

Hey, lady!

Lady, wait,
wait, wait!

Hold, hold!
Hold it!

Hey, listen, do you think
you could give us a ride?

Do I look like a
bus driver, sonny?

No, you see, my girlfriend,
she was just kidnapped by--

by a Russian spy.

Russkies?

Here in Santa Barbara?

Oh,
hop abord.

They went thataway.

[tires screeching]

[everyone screaming]

So it's come to
this, huh?

McCarthy was right.

Eugene or Charlie?

You just show me
which car.

That double-barreled shotgun
there is loaded

for just
such an emergency.

Now I know who you are.

No, you don't.

Okay.

So, where are you taking me,
Russia?

Nothing so exotic.

Your trip ends
in San Diego.

And so do you.

I'm not going to
die in San Diego.

Why not?

There's nothing else
to do in San Diego.

They have a great zoo.

Is this thing yours?

Uh-huh.

I have a delivery service.

Long as they load and unload,
I'll drive anything anywhere.

I would have thought
you'd be retired.

Never.

Once you retire, you might
just as well lay down and die.

When the late mister was still
alive, he said to me,

"Missus," he said--
my name's Blanche,

but he always
called me Missus.

"Missus," the mister
said,

"now, I don't want you
to be a drain on the community

"with welfare and stuff
like that.

It's for old people."

So here I am--

64, and that's 16 years
younger than Fred Astaire,

and he's still dancing.

So I'm earning my keep,
and here I am,

and having a wonderful time.

Is that them up there
at that stop light?

[Russ]
Yeah!

[gun loading]

[Blanche]
Don't move, my man.

Get his gun.

Be careful.

The safety is off.

Wouldn't it be interesting
if my finger slipped?

Ooh.
Get on out.

[suspense music]

[door closing]

Oh!

Welcome back into
my life.

I never give up.

We really appreciate
this, Blanche.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I haven't had so much
fun since McGovern lost.

No!

[Fernando]
Uh!

Uh, you're-- you're not
gonna shoot him, are you?

No. I'm gonna wait around here
till the local cops arrive.

Now, you guys take
this car and get going.

It's probably stolen anyway--

or at least the
license plates are,

so you'd better get rid of
it as soon as possible.

Yes, ma'am.

How do you know about
a thing like that?

You get to be my age,

you have a choice of three ways
to spend your life,

work, sleep,
and Kojak reruns.

See you in church,
citizen.

Come on!

Hey, lady!

Listen, thanks a lot.

Here's a little present--
um, a souvenir.

Thank you.

You watch out.

[engine acceleratin]

[tires screeching]

[funny music]

[Russ]
Ow, will you watch
your legs, Al?

They're smack up
against my pancreas.

[Al]
What do you want, man, where
am I supposed to put them?

The back seats of these cars
are designed for to lose--

Just put 'em
in your mouth.

Barbara's trying
to get some sleep.

They won't fit.

[funny music]

[Fernando]
I'm so hungry
I could eat.

[horn honking]

[suspense music]

[tires screeching]

All we want is the girl,
so don't use the revolver

unless it's absolutely
necessary.

Fellas, could you
let me have--

[Fernando]
Sorry, pal.

[Al]
Sorry, I no habla
English.

You do like green olives,
of course.

Black.

Oh, but I do like
green chili peppers.

Well, I like 'em red.

We have walked down two aisles
and not agreed on one thing.

That's wonderful!

That way we learn about
each other.

You teach me,
I teach you,

and we both expand
in the process.

Now, if we
agreed upon everything,

we'd be compatible
but bored to death,

and that's no way to die.

If you come quietly with us,
no one will get hurt.

Haven't
you the decency

to give a man one moment
of romance?

[funny music]

Oh! Oh!

Somebody's gonna have
to pay for all of this!

[action music]

Oh!

Aah!
Hey!

[Barbara screaming]

Get over here,
please.

They're ruining my store!

Come on.

Let's get out
of here.

Come on,
get out.

[glasses breaking]

[crashing noises]

All right, you asked for it.

Cabbage, 65 cents.

Celery, 49 cents.

39 cents.

39.

[cash register tinkling]

Stop it with the artichokes!

39.

39!

Artichokes, 39 cents.

39, 39, 39, 39, 39!

[cash register bell tinkling]

[action music]

[funny music]

[action music]

If you want to throw something,
throw the tortillas.

I got 'em for half price.

[pouring liquor]

For that, full price!

[funny music]

[cash register bell tinkling]

Oh!

Come on.

Hey, Al!
Al, Fernando, come on.

[Barbara]
Let's go!

I'm still hungry.

Just a minute.

That'll be $371.42.

And don't forget
to save your receipt

for the lucky piñata drawing.

[funny music]

Hey.

Are you talking to us,
officer?

This your car?

Are you serious?

How could the four of us
fit into a car that small?

[liquid agitation]

[suspense music]

The last time I slept
outdoors all night

was when
I was a Boy Scout.

I didn't like it then.

The last time I slept outdoors
was when my family was evicted.

None of us liked it then.

Russ, are you sure you
know where you're going?

Do geese fly south?

That's Beverly Hills, and
that's the San Fernando Valley.

We can catch a bus to San Diego
from either side.

Yeah, either a bus
or a Canadian goose.

Okay.

Now, how much money
do we have left?

Um, $9.75.

Just enough to buy
a $4.00 shirt.

You sure about
that 9.75?

Hey, the rich never know
how much they're carrying,

but us poor folk always do.

Okay, now the
problem is,

how do we get
from here to San Diego

on less than
$3.00 each?

We all take a bus, and we
leave the driving to them.

Hey, maybe that one
will take us downtown.

[Al]
Hey, yo, yo!
Wait up!

[Fernando]
Over here!

[whistling]

Hey, look!
Hold it!

Yeah?

Uh, sorry.

We thought you were
a bus bus.

Well, where are
you going?

San Diego.

Well, we're going
to Laguna Beach.

[man]
Come on aboard, it takes forever
to get a bus up here.

Great,
thanks!

Come on,
come on.

You're not
gonna believe this.

[laughing]

Yeah--

I've never seen
anything like it.

Well, no one will ever be
able to replace the King...

[everyone]
No, that's for sure.

But we've been
trying to do it,

and it got a little slow
after a while,

so we decided we'd
join together,

and it's been really
successful.

[everyone]
It sure has,
we've been really lucky.

It's been really good to us.

Did you all actually
look like him?

Well, two of us did, and then
two of us had plastic surgery.

I used to look
like Ryan O'Neal.

This guy used to look
like Tatum O'Neal.

[everyone]
That's for sure.
So did he.

Well, this has to be the oddest
way we've traveled so far.

[laughing]

But I finally feel safe,
let's go.

All right,
let's go. Okay.

[brake releasing air]

[engine accelerating]

[suspense music]

[action music]

[brake releasing air]

[chuckling]
Thank you.

Bye-bye!

Bye!

[everyone speaking]

Listen, we really
appreciate it.
No problem.

If you ever make a record,
we'll be the first to buy it.

Thank you very much,
good-bye.

[everyone speaking]

[horn honking]

Bye!
Good-bye.

Take it easy.

Why would they hold
a major studio preview

in a little town
like this?

[imitating Elvis]
What difference
does it make?

Let's go over there and see
if anybody knows

where we can
catch a bus to San Diego.

Come on, little darlin'.

I'm gonna be your
teddy bear.

[imitating Elvis]
That stuff's catchin'.

[imitating Elvis voice]
Come on.

[Russ]
Excuse me.

I just want to talk to
somebody up there.

My mother's waiting
for me, if you don't...

Excuse me, lady with
the bag, you know what I mean?

Uh, hi,
u, what's going on?

Jock Higgins is gonna be here
himself in actual person!

Oh, I see.

Um, who's Jock Higgins?
Who's Jock Higgins?

That's like asking
who's Erik Estrada?

Who's Erik Estrada?

Jock Higgins is only the
sexiest, most scrumptious,

most unreal specimen
of male wonderfulness

in the whole world!

And he's also in this spy movie
they're showing here today--

[car horn honking

[women screaming]

[men and women shouting]

Oh, boy,
this is it.

[tires screeching]

[women screaming]

[tires screeching]

How's the house,
packed, Packed?

Full,
it's SRO.
What's SRO?

Just act like
we're old friends.What?

Listen, I know you're the star
of the spy movie,

but this is real life,
and we're all in danger

of being killed unless you get
us to San Diego right now.

Killed?
Yeah.

You see those guys
over there?

They're all killers.

Come on.

Get us out of here right away.

But, why me?

I'm just an enormously
popular movie star.

Uh, listen.

Can you lose those four cars
in the next 50 miles?

I've been waiting for someone
to ask me that question

all me life,
hop in.

Well, great.

Listen, are you coming
with us?

Yeah, but what about
my fans?

They've come here to throw
themselves at my feet.

Come on, Jock.

This is more exciting
than your movie.

Good experience.
Come on, get in.

Mr. Higgins?
No, darling.

Go watch the movie,
I hear it's really great.

Go on, write me and
tell me how it is.

[suspense music]

[fans screaming]

[tires screeching]

[gunshot]

[Norman]
Quit shooting.

You're gonna
kill a pigeon.

[accion music]

[tires screeching]

I used to drive all
the great ones out here,

Cooper, Bogart, Gable,

not like that ham
sandwich in the back.

A tower of jelly
he is.

He even has a
stand-in for kissing.

That's because his lips
quiver too much.

Oh, by the way,
who's chasing you?

Would you believe the CIA,
FBI, and army intelligence?

Plus one who may be in
business for himself.

Say again?

We don't know
who he is.

And the worst part of it is,
they keep kidnapping me

from each other
just for personal glory.

And I've got to get to San Diego
to prove I'm innocent.

Well,
not to worry.

I'll lose 'em.

I haven't gone this fast since
my big chase scene

in "Phantom
of the Vatican."

Oh, yeah, I remember
that one.

That's the one with all
the nuns on mopeds, yeah.

But it wasn't Jock
in that car.

You saw him get in at the
beginning of the chase scene

and out again at the end.

In between,
it was a stunt man.

Selena, please.

These are obviously
tasteful gentlemen.

Don't shatter
their image of me.

Shut up already.

[tires screeching]

[funny music]

[man]
Faster, you idiot.

We can't let them
get away.

What right have you got
to call me an idiot?

What right have you got
to call me an idiot, sir.

Oh, as long as you
explain it.

[tires screeching]

[china breaking]

Aw, you broke my tea set!

[funny music]

[man]
Uh-oh.

They're gaining on us.

I'll ditch 'em
in La Jolla.

Hold on.

Do you mean we're
gonna go faster?

I have not yet begun
to drive.

[funny music]

[action music]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

A car this big is hard to hide,
and we're running out of gas.

Hold on, kids.

[both]
Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[chains clinking]

[tires screeching]

[jazz]

[tires screeching]

[Barbara laughing]

[man]
Well, I guess
that's it.

End of the line.

If I could get my heart
out of my mouth,

I'd give you
a big kiss, Mr...

Lockie McGraw.

Lockie.

Thank you.

Is he gonna be
all right?

I'll bring him to.

If you can't, I'll
bring himtwomore.

Now, how are we gonna
get the rest of the way?

Wait here.

Where are you going?

I always wanted to drive
one of these big rigs.

[laughing]

[Russ]
Watch your step.

[Barbara]
Be careful!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[door slam]

[humming]

Be careful!

[humming]

[horn honking]

♪ Come my little rose--

[humming]

Ha!

Fasten your seat belts.

Here we go!

[engine acelerating]

[action music]

[funny trumpets]

[action music]

All right, everybody out!

Come on down.

No, no, no.

Oh...

It's all right,
Go ahead,

I'll bring him
to again.

[everyone speaking]

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you direct us to
Sartre Street, please?

Uh, Sartre Street--
as in Jean-Paul Sartre,

the late French philosopher?

Yes,
do you know where it is?

Oh, mais oui,
mademoiselle.

Well, where?

It's that way.

Well, we're looking
for 416 Sartre Street.

Oh, the Jim Joy Toy Company.

They make those
treacherous war toys.

Well, how far is it?

Can we walk there
from here?

Well, you can walk
there from anywhere.

[trumpets fanfare]

No, no, here,
over here.

Watch it baby,
look after that.

Take it easy,
take it easy!

Be careful,
okay.

Now, watch your hands.

Hey, I can make it.
Come on.

Come on.
Let's go.

[chuckling]

[suspense music]

Look, there's a window we
can squeeze through.

It doesn't make sense
that a place

with those kind of warnings
would leave a window open.

I don't like it.
Neither do I.

Fernando, up you go.

Why does the little guy
always have to go in first?

Come on.

[Al]
Be careful.

[Russ]
Be quiet.

[Barbara]
Here.

[Russ]
Up you go.

[mysterious music]

Looks like a
government building.

Oh, security's tighter
in a toy factory.

It'd be easier to sneak
into Fort Knox

than it would be
to get the designs

for a new doll that burps and
wets at the same time.

[chuckling]

This place is--
Hey, come on.

Hey!

[mysterious music]

[mysterious music]

[whispering]
Barbara, come on.

Hello, welcome,
come in, come in.

I've been waiting for you.

I'm Jim Joy.

I understand you have a
check you want signed.

[Russ]
We also have some
questions we want answered.

Certainly, certainly,
welcome, welcome.

[buzzing]

[both chuckling]

That's an oldie
but a goodie.

Never fails.

Why don't you sit down?

Thank you.

[honking]
Ahh!

[chuckling]
That's-- that's my Silly Seat.

I had it built to order,
isn't it fun?

A regular Disneyland.

A regular Disneyland.

[chuckling]
Listen, if you give me
that check,

I promise I won't sign
it with invisible ink.

What's going on here,
Mr. Joy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been shot at and
kidnapped and almost killed.

Did Anita give you
this check?

We found it in a post-office
box after she died.

Poor little lamb.

She lost her way.

Did she say anything or give
you anything be--

before she went to that big
toy store in the-- sky?

Nothing.

Except to watch out
for the man

with the eyes
in the back of his head.

I wonder what she
meant by that.

[suspense music]

[laughing]

[suspense music]

This won't hurt a bit.

[chime ringing]

On this microdot
is the Soviet Union's plans

to attack The Middle Eastern
oil producers.

Anita went to Moscow and
cracked their vaunted security

by, shall we say, using favors
other than rubles.

You have been
harassed by army intelligence,

who haven't made an arrest
since World War II,

and by the CIA, who
spend most of their time

in front of the
Senate Investigating Committee

instead of in the field,

and the FBI, who've gone
careening downhill

ever since they ambushed
naughty John Dillinger in 1934,

and one other man
who wanted the information

for an entirely different
reason.

But why did Anita
have to be killed?

A sad termination
to a very lovely creature.

I mourn her deeply,

but she was going to sell out
to one of my competitors.

I hope you understand
she had to die--

one of the vagaries
of a very checkered existence.

But that's the toy
business for you.

[chuckling]

Oh, I believe you've
met Stan Barton.

Yes, we've had
that displeasure.

It was all mine,
I assure you.

That little old lady
has joined your friend Anita.

[mysterious music]

Stan's assignment
was to get the goodies,

but in that, he failed.

But all's well that
etceteras.

Can you tell me why a toy
company wants those plans?

[chuckling]

[Jim Joy]
But of course--

for my new video game,
Doomsday.

A game?

All this for a game?

Certainement.

I had the hardware but not
the software.

[chuckling]

Let me show you.

Please.

[chuckling]

Take a chance.

Do you have any concept how
much money Scrabble has earned?

Or Monopoly?

Or Clue?

Millions upon millions.

What you see on
the screen is a war game,

very ordinary, with your basic
death and destruction,

anybody with a modicum

of military intelligence could
have invented.

Woefully inadequate.

But with this
added information,

I've got it licked.

[beeping]

[electronic pulsing]

[explosions]

What a winner.

Isn't it terrific?

[beeping]

It's fabulous.

I have chills.

Whoo!

What a winner.

[Russ]Winner?

Fabulous?

You're playing with the
destruction of humanity.

But that all depends
upon how you look at things.

By exposing the USSR's plans,

I'm doing
humanity a great service.

The fact that in the doing I'm
reaping a great fortune

is just adding
a financial cherry

to an otherwise altruistic
ice cream soda.

[chuckling]

Well, uh, it's been a
memorable afternoon,

and we really
should be going now.

You can just forget
about that check.

I already have.

[chuckling]

[door closing]

[Barbara screaming]

[gunshot]

I'm not bulletproof.

Neither am I,
what are you doing?

It's no use, Stan.
It won't work.

That's
2 1/2 inches of steel.

You've outlived
your usefulness.

[laughing]

[evil laugh on speaker]

[gunshots]

[beeping]

No, Jim Joy!
No! No!

Not that!

[gunshots]

[screaming]

[machine gun blasting]

[gunshots]

[machine gun blasting]

[flames hardening]

[carnival music]

They're not particularly
large-caliber bullets--

they're .25s,
but enough to kill you.

You'll run out of breath before
my toys run out of ammunition.

[laughing]

[shotguns]

[action music]

One down, four to go.

Isn't this fun?
Zappo!

[Norman]
No, I think we should
make the arrest

because we
were there first.

But we nabbed her.

We would have had her in
Washington by now

if it wasn't
for Ishihara here.

I'll have a prune
danish, please.

Have the cheese.

Look, once they step into the
country, they're FBI property.

Uh, you got any
tamales?

A nice fresh one, though--

not a soggy one left over
from yesterday.

Why do you remind
me of Jimmy Stewart?

[gunshots]

[action music]

[glasses breaking]

My teddy would never
turn on me like this.

[screaming]

[rocket whistling]

[screaming]

[chuckling]

[evil laughing on speaker]

[toy crashing]

King Kong strikes back!

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

[toy hissing]

Aah!

[flames hardening]

Hey!

How old did you
say you are?

Why?

We're not going
to get any older,

so I just wanted to
let you know

that when
I first saw you...

Yeah?

I thought, "Here's a young,
handsome creep!"

Now I just see you as young
and handsome, and I trust you.

[romantic music]

And I'm willing to care
about what you believe in.

[flames hardening]

I say--
I say we flip a coin.

There's three different
groups here.

You got a
three-sided coin?

Heads we get her, tails
she goes with you.

If it lands on its side,
she leaves with the FBI.

Makes sense to me.

[action music]

[gunshots]

Somebody will be around on
Monday to pick up your bodies

along with the rest
of the debris.

I bid you a fond farewell
and an au revoir.

[Jim Joy laughing]

What are you
talking about?

We were the first
ones to find her.

We had a picture.

We were at
the airport.

We followed her
all over the place.

Excuse me.
Hold it.
Hold it!

All right, now,
listen up.

This is the plan.

Now, the official report
is gonna read

that the CIA spotted her,

the army intelligence
chased her into the corner,

and the FBI captured her.

That way you all
share the credit.

[man]
Good.

Who are you with?

Well,
that's fine with me.

It's the old bureaucratic
game of cover your--

pardon the expression--
behind.

All right, all right.

But what-- what
about the plans?

By this time, the Russians have
three alternatives already,

and they're 'obsolute'.

Obsolete.

Well, I don't know.

I'd still like to know
who's behind all this.

[gunshots]

[flames hardening]

[Barbara]
How do those toys move
like that?

They're not
on extension cords.

[Russ]
You're right.

Hey, listen, I'm
gonna try something.

You stay down.

[action music]

[gunshots]

[rocket whistling]

[action music]

[toys turning off]

[music slowing down]

Is it over?
Is it really over?

Yeah, yeah,
it's over.

Calm down.
We're safe.

How'd you do it?

Well, Barbara pointed out
that the toys

didn't have
any extension cords,

so I figured they must have
been radio-controlled

and running off the
building's electrical current.

Of course.

That's something every child
knows from his first toy.

[everyone]
Batteries are
never included.

[chuckling]

[funny music]

Hey, Jim Joy!

Hi, Abigail.

Boy, he's really
a weirdo.

I bet he could tell you who
locked that place up.

Hey, Jimjoy, why
don't you come over here

and help these government
agents?

Hey...

Hey, wait a minute.

You owe me for
that tamale!

You can rest
assured, Mr. Moran,

that the government's gonna take
care of the loss of your car.

Oh, yeah.
Just send us
a bill.

Here's my card.
Sure.

Thank you.

What's gonna happen
to Laughing Jim Joy?

Charged with two murders,
Anita Carney and 'Bart Stanton'.

Stan Barton.

You see, the toy factory was on
the brink of bankruptcy and,

well, he hoped that the new
war game would help rescue it.

Well, it was anticlimatic.

Climactic!

The word's climactic.

And he calls himself
a 'granarian'.

That's grammarian.

'Granarian'.

No, grammarian.

There's no such
word as 'granarian'.

'Granarian'.
Now, look,

it's grammarian--
G-R-A-M-M-A-R-I-A-N.

[romantic music]

[chuckling]

Oh, boy,
that was good.

Now what?

Hey, you know, I think we
should all go down to Broadway

and check out
a topless show.

I'm only kidding.

Nah, nah.

I hate comparison shopping.

Well, you two guys can
do whatever you want to,

and I'll meet you around
the turn of the century.

Barbara and I are
moving in together.

What?

First I've heard
of it.

I'll do nothing of the sort--
without a formal request.

Mr. Forzelito?

Excuse me, my little
lotus blossom.

[sighing]

Ms. Gibbons, Mr. Moran
respectfully requests

the presence of your
body in his pad.

Absolutely not.

The answer was no.

Did she say that?

After all
we've been through?

You move in with me.

[romantic music]

Young lady, if you think

that's the kind
of medical student I am,

you go right to the head
of the class.

But I promise you nothing
except stimulating conversation,

regular arguments,
a messy house--

and intermittent sex until
we get married.

No man could ask for less.

By the power vested in me by
the state of California,

the city of San Francisco,

I now pronounce you
consenting adults.

Mazel tov.

[chuckling]

[romantic music]

[romantic music]