For the Hits (2021) - full transcript
When an average guy's life is turned upside down by a viral video and all of his friends and family turn their backs on him, he must figure out a way to prove he was slandered and restore the life he lost.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[QUIRKY MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Ok you know...
I don't think I can do this,
guys.
Well, you know, this is what it
takes.
If you want to be a real
reporter.
You know, I don't feel like much
of a real reporter
Okay, because I get the get up
and everything;
the clothes, the make up,
But why do I have to smell
like fucking garbage?
Hey, it was Suzanne's idea.
So you blend in.
Oh God, what did you spray me
with?
The stuff is awful.
It's called stink water.
Want to know what's in it?
No, I don't wanna know
what's in it.
Hey look, you said you wanted a
story and you got a story, so
don't be a little bitch
about it.
All right.
Let me get a mic check here.
Okay, uh check, uh check. One,
two.
If I die tonight, I want you to
know that the guilt is on you.
Uh, you both should know this.
And if I get raped or if I get
murdered or if it's both,
..it's on you and you.
All right. Sounds good?
Yeah. Look, don't worry.
We're going to be there for you
the whole time in the van.
Anything goes wrong,
we got your back.
From the van.
[VAN DOOR SLAMS]
[PECULIARLY OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, George, why don't you take
a cutout early today, huh?
Are you sure I can stick around
and help?
Eh, you just do me a favor,
take out the trash before you
go, alright?
GREG: Okay!
MR. GRECO: Yeah.
Thanks Mr. Greco.
Yeah, no problem,
Hey, do you think I can buy a
loaf of bread?
I'm going to dinner at my
parents house tonight.
Oh don't even worry. Just
take it.
I'm going to throw it out
anyway. Right?
Okay. Thanks.
Hey, do me a favor.
Say hello to your mom and dad
for me. Alright?
You got it.
Alright. Get your bread.
Thanks, Mr. Greco.
You got it.
[DISHWARE CLANKING]
What's going on with you guys,
opening your second location?
Which you would be running?
Well, I'm...things are kind
of slow at the shop, Dad,
but I'm working on fixing that.
And then I'll bring it up on
Tuesday. I swear.
Yeah, you better.
You don't want to find yourself
sitting with your thumb up your
ass saying,
"Oh, what the hell
happened?"
MOM: Jesus Christ Marcus.
DAD: Heyyyyy
This from the woman who
I hear walking
around the house screaming,
"Fuckt his and fuck that."
I don't know what you're talking
about.
You don't?
No. I don't. I can't believe
you would
DAD: Oh when are you gonna
pull the tit out?
MOM: use that language in
front of your son?
He's 28 years old.
George, let me ask you a
question.
Is this the first time
that you have ever heard the
word fuck in your life?
Fuck, no.
Oh, my God!
DAD: I'm telling you.
GEORGE:
Um, do you think I can
borrow the iron?
My iron?
You want to borrow my iron?
GEORGE:
I'm taking Kim out on a
date tonight.
Everything I own is wrinkled
and,
No, Dad, I don't. Not yet.
There are a few certain
necessities that every man
must have in his own house. And
an iron is one of them.
I'm taking her out for ice
cream.
And I know, Dad.
I'm working on it. I swear.
Hold on.
I'll grab it for ya.
You um, you remember to go see
your grandfather today?
Yeah, Dad, I do every day.
Good.
He gets lonely ever since your
grandmother passed.
Yeah, I know.
I actually enjoy it.
MOM:
Here you go, baby.
Aw, thanks Ma.
You sure you don't want to run
home?
Grab your shirt and have Mommy
do it?
No, Mom, I know how to iron a
shirt.
I would hope so.
All right, well, I got to get
going or I'll be late.
But I love you
guys, and dinner was amazing.
Thank you.
I'll see you guys later.
Tell Kim we say hi.
Oh, and be careful.
There's a strangler on the
loose.
DAD: And don't forget to bring
back my iron.
MOM: Marcus!
What? It's a very good iron.
GEORGE:
You know what I realized
today?
KIM:
What's that?
Exactly eight months ago today,
we started dating.
[KIM CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
Some things you just can't help
but remember.
Happy month-a-versary, girl.
Hmmm.
Eight months ago today, we
became Facebook official.
Yesterday would have been eight
months since you asked me out.
[KIM LAUGHS]
Oh, I got the same reminder.
But a cute try, though, babe.
Yeah, but I really did remember
before I went on the Facebook.
George.
Besides, nowadays, what's more
important when it actually
happens or when it goes on the
Facebook?
I am teasing you, George.
Happy month-a-versary baby.
I really did remember.
Oh, yeah, I can.
I'm sure you did.
[LAUGHS]
I think I love you, George
Jordan.
LOU:
Hey, what's it going to be
today, George?
Hey, Lou.
The usual. Thanks.
Coming right up.
Anything for you?
I'm all set. Thanks.
I got to tell you, man,
I don't know how your
grandfather eats this shit.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's weird.
No, I've seen weird stuff.
I believe you.
No, I mean, I've been to Burning
Man.
Like back in the eighties, you
know,
But this sandwich, this
sandwich, I...
I don't know.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
GRANDPA:
Georgie boy? Is
that you?
Hey, Grandpa, I brought you
lunch.
It's your favorite, meatball
parm, banana, peppers and ranch.
Ahhhhh.
Hmm. My son sure raised one hell
of a good kid.
You know that.
Oh thanks, Grandpa.
What are you watching?
It's a documentary about that
Kitty Genovese.
Kitty Genovese? Who's that?
Who's Kitty Genovese?
What the hell do they teach ya
in those schools?
No wonder you kids need
kneepads to take a shit.
She's this broad who got
butchered in front of all of
her neighbors, who did nothing.
The sons of bitches.
They should have been brought
out back and put down. Pow.
I can't believe that. How could
someone just stand around
and watch?
Well, that's cause you got my
blood pumping through you.
We Jordans are built strong and
tough.
GEORGE: Yeah. Don't I know it?
GRANDPA: Yeah.
[MANLY GRUNT]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, Grandpa, I gotta get
going.
Kim's making me dinner tonight.
Oh, What's she making?
I'm not sure,
but she said she's making a lot.
Are you bringing something?
No.
You should never show up for
dinner empty handed.
Grab some wine. It's an easy
fix.
GEORGE: Okay.
GRANDPA: Yeah.
All right. I think I'll do
that, Grandpa.
GRANDPA: Okay.
GEOREG: Thanks.
Sons of bitches. Pow!
[NEWS ON TV IN BACKGROUND]
[LIGHTHEARTED QUIRKY MUSIC
PLAYS]
WOMAN: What are you doing!?
[YELLS] please stop! Stop!
Someone help me!
[YELLS]
What are you doing?! Oh my god!
Don't touch me!
[YELLS]
I'm gonna make you mine bitch!
I'm gonna make sure
nobody wants to
GEORGE: Hey!
ASSAILANT: look at you again.
Hey! Hey, mister.
What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own.
What? Whatcha going to do
about it, huh?
See now I'm a fuck her up,
then I'm a fuck you up.
Jail style.
What you gonna do about it? Huh?
I'm...
That's what I thought
What's that?
That's wine? That's Pinot
Grigio?
Actually, Yeah.
I fucking love Pinot Grigio.
Give me that Pinot Grigio.
C'mon.
Okay.
And those. What size is that?
That's a size 12?
It better be a size 12.
Jesus Christ. How would you know
that? What the--
They probably fucking look
better on you anyway.
Just please let her go. Please.
Good. Good.
Just one more thing.
[WHIMPERS]
ASSAILANT: Got ya!
WOMAN: Got ya!
[LAUGHING]
ASSAILANT: Oh, my God.
ASSAILANT: That was so good.
WOMAN: ...Perfect
WOMAN: That was great.
Hey man, sorry to scare you like
that we're--
we're doing a social
experiment.
It's. Yeah, it's all right. It's
not real.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What the hell was that?
That, that, that wasn't funny,
like, at all.
It's called acting. I'm an
actor.
My name is Chad.
Oh hey, we're just going to need
you to sign right here.
WOMAN: That would be great.
SECRET FILMER: Right here, use
my back.
By the way, that was phenomenal
job, guys.
Oh, my gosh. I felt it that
time.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
WOMAN: Look at his tears!
[EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
Enjoy your wine too, yeah!
Oh, oh, by the way, I actually
do love wine.
Oh you love Pinot Grigio!
That part wasn't acting.
He knows his smokey wines and
the, you know, the sweet wines.
SECRET FILMER: Chad is the one
to take to a wine bar.
WOMAN: Yeah, yeah.
Oh yes. Speaking of wine bars,
should we go to one?
WOMAN: Oh! Let's get some
tapas. Tapas?
SECRET FILMER: Uh...probably
have enough time.
Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
WOMAN: Have a good night you
guys.
What the hell was that?
SECRET FILMER: Oh! Oh!
[FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF]
Hello!?
[CRIES SOFTLY]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, baby.
I got you a bottle of wine.
I hope you like it.
You wouldn't believe what
happened to me today.
Okay. Is something wrong?
Yeah, I guess you could say
that.
Well what is it?
I think you know what it is.
Babe.
Come on, tell me what's going
on.
Give me a hint.
Hmm.
[VIDEO PLAYS ON LAPTOP]
Hey, Mister. What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own. What?
What's gonna do about it, huh?
I'm not gonna do anything.
What's that? That's wine? that's
Pinot Grigio?
Give me that Pinot Grigio.
Okay.
[VIDEO CONTINUES TO PLAY]
Here, take them.
They probably fucking look
better on you anyway.
Just please don't hurt me.
I'll do anything you want.
I swear.
[CRIES]
What the fuck?
That literally just happened.
But that's not what happened.
How does that have so many hits?
Over a million hits, George.
It's trending on Twitter,
and somebody's already made a
rap remix to it.
Do you know what that means?
That means that over a million
people already know
that my ex-boyfriend is the
biggest pussy on the Internet.
Babe. It wasn't real.
It was a prank.
Don't call me babe.
How could you just stand there?
I mean what if, what if that was
me? What would you have done?
I don't know what to say,
but it wasn't a real.
They doctored the tape.
No! Shh-shh.
Just stop talking.
Get out of my apartment.
I don't ever want to see you
again. Is that understood?
I love you.
Well, I don't love you. Not
anymore.
Oh, and by the way, I should let
you know I took the liberty
of going on your Facebook page
and changing your
relationship status.
You did what?
I changed it to single,
and I blocked myself.
I am not going down with you,
George.
I have a life,
and it's going to stay that way.
Now leave, before someone gets
the wrong idea.
KIM:
Bye!
This is a fucking guy.
[MOCKING]
Oh, please. Somebody help me.
It wasn't real. It was a prank.
What the hell's wrong with
you people?
Fuck you, you Pinot Grigio
bitch.
Yeah. Fuck you!
You won't do shit.
George, I swear to God,
if you don't leave,
I'm going to call the cops.
Okay? Okay. I'm leaving. I'm
sorry.
It was a fucking prank!
This week's video breakdown just
came in and it was a doozy.
Let's put 30 seconds on the
clock and watch
George Jordan become my new
personal favorite hero.
Hey, mister, What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own.
What? What you going to do about
it, huh?
I'll do anything you want. I
swear.
Oh, crap.
[GEORGE CRIES ON VIDEO]
Oh shit honey. George is here.
What do we do?
T-t-t-turn out the lights. Don't
say anything.
Is the door locked?
It is now.
Lights. Lights.
Get the lights.
[KEYS JINGLE]
Shit!
Shush!
Oh, fuck.
He's got a key.
What the fuck? They change the
locks?
GEORGE:
Hello?
Mom, Dad, this isn't fucking
funny.
I'm having, like,
the worst day of my life.
[IN UNISON]
We know!
We saw the video!
I got to tell you, George,
we are not too proud
right about now.
[SHOES SHUFFLE]
[TV ON IN BACKGROUND]
SHOW HOST:
Aye-yo, this next cat
is something else.
You feel me, dog? All right.
This dude.
When Danger comes, he shoulda
just started a-runnin.
You know what I'm saying?
Instead, he just stays there
pooping his pants.
Plus, his face looks like an
aborted fetus.
All right, check it out, y'all.
Hey, mister, What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own. What?
What's going to do about it,
huh?
[VIDEO PLAYS ON TV]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Gimme that Pinot Grigio!
[VIDEO CONTINUES TO PLAY]
[GEORGE CRIES ON VIDEO]
Dude. Have you been on Facebook?
You're, like, famous.
And I don't mean the good kind.
I mean, like, the bad kind.
And there's a word for it.
Man, this guy's infamous. Yeah,
that's it.
Yeah that's it! That's the word.
It's fucking everywhere.
I-I don't know what to do.
I can't get on the Facebook.
I-I think Kim change all my
passwords.
Dude.
You're not kidding.
What happened?
What do you mean, what happened?
The tape was doctored.
It was a prank.
And?
And what?
I-I didn't know what to do.
I panicked.
I thought I was next.
Next for what? Like the rape?
Yeah.
Scary.
It happened so fast.
I panicked.
And the next thing I know,
5 seconds later,
the video is everywhere.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
You think I can get them to take
it down?
No fucking way, dude.
That tape's in so many places,
it'd be impossible to
take it down.
So then what?
I don't know.
But.
Shhhhh.
There's that.
What is this?
It's a list of pay phone
addresses?
Yeah. Why the hell do you have
this?
I saved every number as a
different alias in my phone.
Okay, so if you need to get a
hold of me,
That's how you're
going to do it.
At least until this shit blows
over.
If, it blows over.
Wait, you're kidding me?
What do you think they have my
phones tapped?
It's the Facebook. Okay?
They know everything.
I got to go. Okay.
If you need to get a hold of me.
Use one of those numbers. Ask
for Kevin.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
So who's Kevin?
Are you Kevin or my Kevin?
No one's Kevin.
Why am I asking for Kevin?
Just remember, ask for Kevin.
Oh, fuck Kevin!
Um, who's Kevin?
No one's Kevin.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Oh what do you want now?
What do you want, Kevin?
Who's Kevin?
Are you George Jordan?
I, I...
I might be.
Okay. I'm Suzanne Winners from
Channel 12 News.
You are George Jordan.
I am.
Yeah. You are.
Can I get you something?
Tea? Coffee?
Oh, tea would be great.
Thank you.
I assume you're here because
of the
doctored video on the
Internet of me.
We at Channel 12 News
want to give you an opportunity
to tell your side of the story.
Now, would you be free to come
into the studio tomorrow
to do an interview to
plead your case?
Wait, you actually believe me?
Oh, all right.
Be at the news station tomorrow
at six for make up.
Okay.
And here are directions to the
news station and a list of
questions that you should be
prepared to answer.
I'll be there. Thank you.
Would you like honey in your
tea?
Oh, no, thank you.
Looking forward to seeing you
tomorrow.
Oh, and, George, one more thing.
Yeah?
Your balls are out.
Oh fuck.
No, wait.
Sorry.
Fuck.
Shit.
[CARS DRIVING BY]
Are you ready, George?
Yeah, I think so.
Hmm. Just be yourself.
You'll be fine.
Mhmm.
[GARGLES]
[COUGHS SHARPLY]
[COUGHS]
Bla la la la la la la la.
Ca-ca
That's it.
[EXHALES NERVOUSLY]
Hi, I'm Suzanne Winners today on
Channel 12 News.
We have none other than the
infamous YouTube sensation
George Jordan.
Some of you may know him better
as "The Crying Guy"
or "The Do Nothing Guy" or even
"Cold Foot".
"Cold Foot"?
George, in your own words,
can you tell us what happened
that night? A night the world
may never forget. Ever.
GEORGE: I uh,
SUZANNE: Ever.
Well, first off,
the night you're talking about
was last night.
Are you avoiding the question,
George?
No, I'm just letting everyone
know
that it hasn't even been a week
since this happened.
What happened that night,
George?
Well, I was leaving the
liquor store
when I heard a horrible,
shrill scream.
SUZANNE: The victim
GEORGE: The actor.
It wasn't real.
Hmm. Well, it looked pretty real
to me, George.
Why would anyone make light of
such an atrocity?
I don't know. For the hits?
They said it was a social
experiment.
Well, the assailant in the video
was African-American.
Did this play a factor in your
reaction?
No, it's not like I hate black
people.
It it was a joke.
I was going along with it.
So you're saying you think rape
is a joke?
Do I think rape is a joke?
No, I think it's an epidemic
that's been plaguing the country
for way too long.
Supposing your story is true,
what did you think of your
acting performance?
I think it was okay,
but I could do better.
Where were you going with that
bottle of wine, George?
GEORGE: Well I-
SUZANNE: Do I have a drinking
problem?
Do I have a drinking problem?
No!
I was going to my girlfriends,
for dinner,
and I didn't want to show up
empty handed.
What's your girlfriend's name?
Kim.
But she has nothing to do with
this.
What did Kim say about you
showing up
without the wine and without
your shoes?
Well, she didn't say anything
because
I showed up in my shoes with
the wine.
Do you care about Kim?
Yes! I love Kim.
I would do anything for Kim.
Well, what if it was Kim being
attacked
instead of this poor girl
who is presumably dead?
Would you have done anything
differently then?
I would've done a lot.
But that's not the point.
The whole thing was staged.
It was fake.
Why don't you people get that?
If this was fake,
why would you put your signature
on a release form
for a video that clearly makes
you out to be a horrible person?
Well, honestly, she
asked for it,
and I wasn't paying attention.
And why hasn't anyone brought
the fact that there was
a guy filming it and why he
didn't do anything?
[SIGH]
Wow.
Well, there you have it.
George Jordan says the video
is fake,
and he's got the shoes to
prove it.
When we come back, our very own
James McAuliff
has been undercover as a
homeless man
wandering the valley in search
of the notorious,
Van Nuys Vagrant Strangler.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
CREW: That's a cut.
Okay.
What the hell was that?
Oh, nothing. You did great.
Don't worry about it.
Don't forget to pick up your
complimentary
Channel 12 news
hat on the way out.
[HITS VAPE]
Do you think that's going to
work?
Tonight at five.
When this airs,
your life is going to change.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Mhmm. Ahhhhh!
Sweaty hands.
Sweaty hands. Why your hands
sweaty?
It only happens when I get
nervous.
It's gross.
Makeup!
And that brings the death toll
now to 14.
Back to you, Suzanne.
CREW: And cut.
Hey, guys.
I don't know how much longer I
can do this.
Man, I mean, I feel like any day
now I'll be next.
Yeah, I think that's uh,
kind of the point buddy.
Hey, but like I said, don't
worry.
We're going to be there for you.
From the van.
Good luck, buddy.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[VAN ENGINE STARTS]
CREW: He's dead.
[KIM HUMMING]
Oh.
Good to go.
[humming]
[FRIGHTENED EXHALE]
What the fuck are you doing
here?
Let me explain.
Explain what?
I told you, I never wanted to
see you again.
There's nothing to explain here.
I know, but.
But just do me a favor and watch
Channel 12 News tonight, please.
The local news channel.
Why would I watch that?
Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to vacate the premises.
Please. For me, it will explain
everything.
Sir.
I will call the authorities.
Hey, is everything okay over
there?
Yeah, it's fine, thanks.
Can you just please watch
the news at five?
Please
Uh, miss?
Hi.
Hi, um.
Is this boy?
Is he bothering you?
GEORGE: No!
KIM: Yes!
Hey, aren't you cold foot?
No! Who the fuck is this cold
foot guy?
No, I'm not George Jordon.
Hmm.
Well uh, whoever the fuck
you are,
I suggest you get the fuck
out of here
before something really bad
happens to you. Okay?
Okay. I'm leaving. You happy?
Just please watch.
Next. [CLEARS THROAT]
Can I get a meatball
parm, banana, peppers and ranch?
Oh, shit. George, is that you?
I don't know what you're talking
about.
I'm in a rush.
Holy shit, it is you!
Aye guys. George is here.
It's not me!
Of course it's you.
You're the only person who
orders that weird ass sandwich.
WOMAN: Hey, it's the crying guy.
Can I get a picture?
No! You fucking may not!
[CUSTOMERS FRENZY]
Next.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
Hey, Grandpa.
Hello?
Couldn't get your sandwich
today.
There's something going on at
the Deli.
But I hope you like a burger.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Is that you? Yeah.
Come on back. I can use a hand.
GRANDPA GEORGE [V.O.]:
in front of all of her
neighbors.
Who did nothing.
Those sons of bitches.
Should have been brought out
back and put down.
Pow!
George, I can't get my Youtubes
to work.
Can you help me?
And I got this damn rabbits
eaten up all my tomatoes.
George?
George?
Ah! I gotcha.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS]
What do you think it could be?
Quiet, it's about to start.
Today on
Channel 12
News,
we have none other
than the infamous
YouTube sensation,
George Jordan.
Some of you may know him better
as "The Crying Guy"
or "The Do Nothing" guy or even
"Cold Foot".
George, in your own words,
can you tell us what happened
that night?
Well, I was leaving the
liquor store
when I heard a horrible,
shrill scream.
SUZANNE: The victim?
GEORGE: Yes.
And you did nothing to help
that poor woman in distress?
Honestly, she asked for it.
She asked for it.
Are you insinuating that what
the woman was wearing
made her
deserve the attack?
I think rape is a joke.
Fucking idiot.
The assailant in the video was
African-American.
Did this play a factor in your
reaction?
Yes. I hate black people.
Did he just fucking say that?
What a fucking scumbag.
I understand you were on your
way to your girlfriend's house.
Yes!
What if the victim was your
girlfriend?
I could do better.
Would you really be okay
losing the woman
you claim you love?
It was a joke. I was going
along with it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
George, why do you think men
attack women?
For the hits.
They do it for the hits?
SECRET FILMER:
He was a really
likable guy, man.
Now nobody's gonna be friends
with him.
I have to say, George, I'm a
little disturbed
by what I'm hearing.
Um. There are rumors on the
comments board that you have
connections to
white supremacist groups.
Tell me, what do you think about
the Nazi party?
I think it was okay.
And the Holocaust.
The whole thing was staged. It
was fake.
Why don't you people get that?
George, I am disgusted even
being in the same room with you.
I think I smell whiskey on your
breath.
I have a drinking problem.
SUZANNE: Oh, my God. Well, that
doesn't surprise me.
MOM: Oh honey,
MOM: we need to do something.
SUZANNE: I have one more
question for you George.
What do you think of North
Korean dictator Kim Jong un?
I love Kim.
I would do anything for Kim.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Monsters do exist, and they are
among us.
George Jordan, May you burn in
hell.
When we come back, our very own
James McAuliff
SUZANNE: has been undercover as
a homeless man
DAD: He's fucked.
wandering the
valley in search of the
notorious Van Nuys Vagrant
Strangler.
A reminder, the reward for any
tips that lead to the direct
arrest of the strangler
is now up to $40,000.
[PHONE RINGS]
Greco's Pizza, pick up or
delivery?
Yeah, George, um.
No, don't worry about that.
That-that-that's fine. That's
fine. Uhhh...
You know just, just don't even
come in tomorrow.
Yeah, in fact just,
Just take the week, get better.
Whatever is, uh, you need to do
to get to get better.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Kim?
George, um, can I come in?
If not, I-I-I totally
understand.
No no no no, totally come in.
Please.
Uh, I made you breakfast.
Oh, I can see. Thank you.
It looks great.
Yeah, well, I figured
I still owed you
a meal from the other night, so
I hope you like it.
Oh, my God. It's amazing.
Yeah?
Are you kidding me? It's
incredible.
I'm so glad that you like it.
It's the best breakfast I ever
had.
[KIM EXHALES]
Okay, uh.
Here I go.
[KIM BREATHES SHAKILY]
George.
I am so, so sorry
for abandoning
you during your time of need.
You know, I was.
[CRIES SOFTLY]
I was scared.
And,
And I didn't know what to do.
[DRAMATICALLY CRIES]
Hey ,hey, hey, It's okay.
No!
It's ok.
No it's not.
[SOBBING]
I hate myself. I hate myself!
Come here, come here.
Hey, I don't blame you, okay?
I was put in a bad situation.
I think I'm out of it now.
But I was just so terrible to
you. Ya know.
And, and you don't deserve that
and,
I love you, and I'm going to
make it up to you.
Okay?
[SOBS]
Okay.
It's ok. It's ok.
MOM: You're the best.
[LAUGHS]
[IN UNISON]
Huh! Woah!
Sandwiches.
Ohhh!
[DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
I want that some day George.
[INHALES EXCITEDLY]
Hi! You're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
You are so handsome.
You are so cute.
I love you. I-I
DOG [V.O.]:
Howdy, George.
Hey, dog.
I got some bad news for you,
buddy.
What's that?
This isn't real, George.
You're still asleep.
Go figure.
DOG [V.O.]:
Yeah.
Your life's still shit.
Oh, man.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Kim?
You.
Can I help you?
Fuck you.
Ah, Jesus Christ, lady.
What the fuck? What's wrong with
you?
OLD WOMAN: Get out of our
neighborhood
GEORGE: How deep is that
damn basket?
OLD WOMAN: you damn Nazi fucker!
GEORGE: Stop!
Jesus!
What the hell?
This is my favorite robe.
[MUFFLED HECKLING IN BACKGROUND]
Oh, you again?
Fuck you, lady. Fuck you, too!
Yeah!
Yeah, you--
Yeah. Fuck you.
I got an apple.
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[DRUMLINE CONTINUES]
Hey, Cold Foot.
I see you.
I see you. Cold Foot.
Think you're hiding?
Leave me alone!
Hey. Hey. Cold foot.
Are those a size 12?
It's 1 p.m. on a Tuesday.
Aren't you supposed to be at
school or something?
I'm going to ask you one more
time Cold Foot.
Are those a size 12?
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[KIM CHATTING TO PLANTS]
Help! Somebody help me!
I don't know this man! Somebody
call the police! Please!
It's not what you think.
I had a dream. The dog talked.
You brought me breakfast.
That was actually good.
We had passionate sex in my
kitchen.
What the fuck are you rambling
about?
Well, I'm trying to tell you,
Kim.
Is I love you. I want you to be
my wife.
[GASPING IN FEAR]
What. what do you say?
Kim, will you be Mrs. Jordan?
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
[YELLS]
Oh fuck!
Why would you do that?
Hey, Kimmy. The dog talked!
He told me.
He told me!
What are you doing?
Kimmy?!
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[METAL RATTLES]
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
Jordan. George. You're free to
go.
Thank God.
All right, Mr. Jordan.
We don't know what you were
doing today at the flower shop
or what your obsession with
Miss Kim Korine is.
But if we find you within 100
yards of Gloria's flower shop
or Miss Korine, you will be
arrested immediately.
Is that understood?
Understood Officer.
Here are your belongings.
What's this?
This isn't mine.
No, That's a gift from the
station.
It's called a rape whistle.
[CHUCKLES]
We figured you might need that.
That's hilarious.
On a personal note, Mr. Jordan.
I just want you to know that I
do not like you.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
He-Hello?
MA [DISTORTED, OVER PHONE]:
Meet me and Dad in the park, in
one hour.
I'll be on the third bench.
Ma?
Ma, is that you?
[CALL ENDS]
Hello?
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[UPBEAT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
What do you want?
Your father and I had an idea
how to get you out of this whole
thing.
Yeah. What is it?
And where's Dad?
He's standing look out.
So, Youtube got you into this
mess.
Maybe YouTube can get you out.
I don't follow you.
Well...
you look like such a little
bitch in that first video.
So, you should make a new one,
where you're the hero.
Yeah? And how am I supposed to
do that, Mom?
I don't know.
Get your little friend. Get a
camcorder.
Show everyone how good you are.
DOG OWNER:
No. Stay away from that man.
He's a bitch.
Disgusting. Grow a pair.
I don't care if you don't have
your orthotics in Marcus,
move your goddamn ass.
This way!
This is such bullshit.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Everyone, look who's calling.
It's Jean Beige.
Let's hope it's her
and not that pesky Phoenix.
Hello, Jean.
Is everything all right with the
team?
What's going on?
Jean? No, no, it's George.
Ah...Jean, you're breaking up,
I can't quite hear you.
Maybe we should switch to using
our telekinesis
and special powers to chat.
I'm looking for Kevin.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
All right,
You're coming in loud and clear.
What can I do for you?
Hey, meet me at my place
at eight.
I think I have a plan to fix
this.
Yeah. I don't really quite
know if-
[HANGS UP]
George? George?
[ACTION BEAT PLAYS]
Oh, hell no.
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Coming up next.
George Jordan is back yet again.
It seems he has graduated
from just watching women
be attacked, to actually
committing attacks himself.
The dog talked.
He told me.
He told me!
What are you doing?
[SAME NEWS REPORT PLAYS IN
BACKGROUND]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, George.
Hey.
Uh, listen, there's something
I need to tell you.
You can't work here anymore.
What do you mean, you're firing
me?
This is the first time
I've taken any personal time.
It has nothing to do with that.
It's just.
I can't have someone like you
working here.
I mean, I can barely keep the
doors open as it is--
--Someone like me,
what does that mean?
Someone like me
working here?
It's bad for the image.
This is a-a family
establishment.
And you being a um,
son of a bitch and all.
Image. What image?
This is a shitty pizza place.
You barely get 12 customers a
month.
I'm sorry, George.
No, I'm not sorry.
Goodbye.
So that's how it's going to be.
[NEWS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND]
[DAUNTING MUSIC PLAYS]
[SIGHS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
What happened to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
How you holding up?
Have you not seen the news?
Apparently, I'm a Nazi and rape
enthusiast now.
Oh, and I just got fired.
You hated that job anyways.
Out of everything I just said,
that's what you choose to
address?
To be honest, George.
For a minute there, I was
thinking about something else.
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
So, what's this about?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
We're going to make a
performance piece.
Just like that lying piece of
shit, Suzanne Winters.
A video where I look like the
hero and save the day.
George.
My whole life as a performance
piece.
Yeah. Everyone's going to be
like,
"Fuck yeah, George, get it
done."
GEORGE: This guy knows. Yeah.
BRIAN: Cool. I like it. I like
it a lot.
How you plan on doing it?
Well, you're going to steal the
purse and I'm gonna stop you.
Wait, I'm the bad guy?
Well, no, you're going to be in
the disguise.
No one's going to know it's you.
Okay. Uh.
How are we going to get a girl?
I mean, we don't know any,
and no one likes you.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
You ready?
[UPBEAT HEIST MUSIC]
GEORGE [V.O.]:
First we meet at the Rockies on
Sepulveda.
You know the good one
by the Boom-Boom Room.
Then we coast down Sepulveda,
toward the oddball cabaret,
and find our "actress."
Pick her up, find the perfect
location,
shoot it, upload it and watch
the hits roll in.
[MUSIC ENDS]
It's foolproof.
I know, right?
How'd you come up with it?
I don't know. It just came to me
when I was walking through
the park.
This your mom's idea?
It's my mom's idea.
Carol knows best.
[HEIST MUSIC RETURNS]
RANDOM COP: It is fun.
BRIAN: I mean, that would...
Brian are you fucking kidding
me?
[WHISTLES]
You too.
Why are you dressed like a cop?
What do you mean?
I thought you said
I'm 'sposed to be like a
hero or something.
No. Me!
I'm supposed to save her.
What! Wait. I'm the bad guy?
No, I'm not doing that.
Who would agree to that?
Just get in. I stopped at
7-Eleven and grabbed a mask.
Unbutton that shirt
and take off that stupid badge.
It's not stupid, it's real.
Hey, you. You're that guy,
you're Cold Foot.
Fuck off.
Let's go hookin'.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Hey, boys. I'm Tiff Nomorales.
Well hi, Tiff Nomorales.
We're filmmakers,
and we'd like to know if you
want to be the star
of our next
performance piece.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Are you like, porn guys?
BRIAN: No, no, no, no, no-
TIFF: Oh, this is the Bang
Hybrid. I've seen this.
TIFF: Hey Mom, hey...
BRIAN: No, no, no, no.
It's. It's. It's nothing like
that at all.
Trust me, you can keep your,
um...
clothes on the entire time if
you'd like.
Okay. That's kinky.
All right.
It's $120 an hour.
No dog. No poop.
And no dairy.
[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]
Deal?
No dairy?
[MUSIC RETURNS]
All right, guys.
Almost ready.
Let's do this thing!
GEORGE:
Wait. Stop.
What is that behind you?
Nothin'. C'mon, let's go.
This is takin' forever.
You're gonna have to buy another
hour.
All right, fine. Whatever.
Are you guys set?
BRIAN: Ready!
TIFF: Set.
And action!
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
What? No! Stop!
Will someone please help,
someone that's really cool
and totally not chicken shit.
Halt bad do-er.
I'm George, and I'm here to stop
you.
Oh, no, not George Jordan.
Not again.
Whatever am I going to do now?
Stop your evil ways, that's
what.
You're lucky. George Jordan
gives second chances.
Second chances.
Now beat it.
Yes, yes. I promise. I am going
to change my evil ways.
All thanks to George Jordan.
Oh, George Jordan.
You are my hero,
and totally, like, not a little
bitch or something.
What can I say?
I do what I can.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Dude. I love it.
Nobody can see this ever.
How did we think this was a good
idea?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
SUZANNE:
Oh, my God, It's perfect.
Wh-what? Why? Who is this?
What are you talking about, who
is this? Where have you been?
JAMES: I was on the street--
SUZANNE: This is George fucking
Jordan.
His fuck ups pay your salary.
I see.
W-wait a second.
I just got a great idea. Um.
How would you like a promotion?
Are you joshing me?
Because I-I would love a
promotion.
I mean, does this mean that
I have to be homeless anymore?
No, no, no. This works. I like
this.
Okay. Is there a raise involved?
No. Your job is to follow
George around
and film everything he does.
But what about the strangler?
Oh fuck the strangler. If you
ask me,
he's doing us all a solid.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't touch me.
Your job is George now.
Okay. But I'm still homeless?
SUZANNE: Yes.
JAMES: Okay, can I at least go
home?
No. Here's his address.
Now you go get him, tiger,
and I have a lot of faith in
you, okay?
And get the fuck out
of my office
'cause your smell is
upsetting me.
Okay. Thank you so much for
this. I really appreciate--
Get. Out.
[MUSIC ENDS]
ROSALISA:
The 405 is at a
complete standstill,
and the 101 has five accidents
so get ready not to move.
And as for the weather, hot and
sweaty.
That's Southern California,
everybody. Back to you, Suzanne.
I didn't understand a word she
said.
But thank you Rosalisa.
Or should I say gracias?
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
Last night, a staged robbery was
caught
on tape behind a local
convenience store.
Interestingly, it turns out the
whole thing was staged by none
other than well-known local
racist and womanizer,
George Jordan.
Yes. They paid me to be in that
video.
George Jordan is a really
strange guy.
Oh, husbands, if you're sick of
your wives,
come on down to Sepulveda.
Ask for Tiff Nomorales.
I'll do pretty much anything.
Mostly clean.
Well, you've heard it here
straight from the horse's mouth.
I'm Clint Benardi. Back to you,
Suzanne.
Oh no.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
GEORGE:
You. I've seen you before.
What the fuck do you want from
me?
People like me...
What is this?
What does this mean?
[MUSIC ENDS]
This is the place.
Now what?
Now, we wait.
Well,
there he is.
Where the fuck is he going?
If I was a betting man, I would
say he's going bowling?
James, go the back door and uh,
see what's going on.
[MUSIC ENDS DRUM LINE]
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]...kind of
truthful, place within your gut.
Raise your hand higher.
Wonder--George.
George, we've been expecting
you. Welcome.
What is this?
This my friend George.
Brother George, King George,
is a safe place
We're like you, we are...
This is Virals Anonymous.
I-I believe you've already met
Wormsworth.
Wormsworth is the victim of
one of the oldest viral videos,
he...
[SLOW, FUNKY MUSIC]
He uttered a racial slur
in a wedding speech.
And sadly, in those days,
there were no support groups.
So in a fit of rage,
he took his own tongue.
Jesus Christ.
George, please take a seat.
Please.
Thank you..
Everyone, welcome George.
EVERYONE:
Hello, George.
George, everyone here is kinda
like you,
because the Internet
has destroyed
their lives in one way
or another.
Who wants to share their story
with George?
Yes. Bravery.
Bravery in the first degree.
Breathe.
Just keep breathing.
Hi, I'm Jenna.
Hi, Jenna.
[DRUMROLL]
How long you think
he's gonna be in there?
Long enough for us to smoke
this.
Dude.
BOBBY: Yessss
GARY: Who's got your back?
I've lost my career.
I've lost my friends.
I've lost my life.
Thank you for sharing, Jenna.
EVERYONE:
Thank you, Jenna.
Wonderful. Who else?
Who else is going to take the
journey?
The journey of truth? Yes.
Hi, I'm Karl.
EVERYONE:
Hi Karl.
[DRUM ROLL]
Hungry, are we?
Uh. Yes. Yes? Hungry. Yes.
I was looking for food
in the garbage to eat,
put in my mouth and eat.
MAN: You're in luck.
JAMES: Oh.
My wife just happened to pack me
an extra lunch.
I think it's a ham sandwich.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Would you like it?
You know, on second thought, I'm
actually, uh,
pretty full from all the garbage
that I had earlier,
so I'm just not going to eat
anything else, because
I'm just--Thank you, though.
I really, really appreciate--
Nonsense.
JAMES: It's in my system, and--
MAN: you look famished.
Yes, that's the look I was going
for.
So I'll take that as a
compliment.
Oh, look at that.
It's a ham sandwich, like you
said.
It's got lettuce and everything
on it.
It's a ham sandwich.
It's a ham sandwich, dude.
Dude, Norman Reedus is not in
Powder.
Dude, yes, Norman Reedus was
Powder. What?
What?
Norman Reedus is like,
he's like a gruff man.
Powder was Jim--Hold on.
CARL:
Carl Jr. goes to Virals
Anonymous for Kids.
So it's just--
[CRYING]
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Alright. Maybe it's. Maybe it's
enough for today.
Okay.
Okay.
That's the walk of a brave man.
EVERYONE:
Thank you, Carl.
Who else?
Who else wants to be brave like
Carl?
[DRUM ROLL]
[CHOKING SOUNDS]
Gary!
...search the movie Powder.
Yeah, look right there.
That's--
Are you just messing with me?
You see his dick in that movie,
too.
Hello.
[DRUMROLL]
[MUSIC ENDS]
My name is Tim and I--
Okay.
I'm sorry to cut you off, but
who are you?
Who are any of you?
And what are you doing here?
And why the hell does this guy
know where I live?
You're famous, George.
And Google.
I'm. I'm assuming that he
Googled you,
[GENTLE MUSIC]
but we're not your enemies,
George.
We're virals anonymous.
We're like you.
You're like us.
So join us.
Okay. This is getting so weird.
You're one of us.
One of us?
One of us.
Oh, fuck this.
Let him go.
He'll be back.
[DRUM LINE OVER DARK MUSIC]
Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.
No, what are you doing man, stop
it, stop it!
What are you dusting
him off for?
Oh, get him.
Oh, dude.
Oh, you saved my life.
You know who that was?
No, why?
That was the strangler.
Oh, thank you.
My names James, I'm a reporter
at Channel 12 news--
Oh, no, not you fucking guys
again.
Haven't you done enough?
What's this one going to
be about, huh?
Oh, no, no, dude, it's not like
that.
Don't--I don't give a shit.
You want a freak show? Go in
there.
[DRUMLINE]
What're you talk--wait, wait,
wait, man!
No! Fuck you.
Hey, wait a minute, wait man,
wait.
[MUSIC ENDS]
What's he talking about?
And then you look inside there.
What the fuck? Where were you
guys?
Hey!
What's up. You wanna hit this?
[DRUMROLL]
GEORGE: Jesus Christ, LADY.
OLD LADY: Get out! Get out!
What the hell? Where do you keep
coming from?
GEORGE: Will you leave me alone
already?
OLD LADY: Get out! Get out!
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
SUZANNE:
What is it?
ELLIOT:
I just can't do it. I-I can't do
it anymore, Suzanne.
SUZANNE:
Oh my god. That must be--
--that must be so hard for you
to understand
that I don't give a fuck about
your sleep cycle!
Now, Elliot, you have one job.
One job, and that is to bring me
content.
So get out there and do your
fucking job.
But, Suzanne,
Um, it's Miss Winters and
you don't
want to be on Miss Winters
bad side do you?
ELLIOT: No, Miss Winters.
SUZANNE: No...
and that's what I thought.
Now get the fuck out of my
office.
Yes, Miss Winters.
SUZANNE: Get out.
ELLIOT: Yeah.
Go! Jesus.
Sorry.
Oh, James, My guy.
James, my man.
What do you got for me?
I have for-for you, some footage
of George.
Ah!
JAMES: That I think you might
wanna see.
SUZANNE: Oh, my God. Do I? Ah!
What the fuck did I tell you
about touching my things?
Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry.
Shit. I'm sorry.
James, do you realize--
Do you realize what you've done?
Yes, I do. That, that is the
strangler.
That is his stupid face.
And his stupid ponytail.
Now we can put all this mindless
killing to an end.
We're going to get this guy.
We're going to get him.
SUZANNE: Yeah. Yesss.
JAMES: Yes!.
You know what? I have a great
idea, di-
SUZANNE: You did a really great
job.
JAMES: Thank you so much.
You're welcome. I think you
should go home tonight
and get a good night's rest.
SUZANNE: Maybe take a shower.
JAMES: I am going to shower all
this grime.
I'm gonna get in bed.
I'm just going to nap it out.
No, seriously.
Get the fuck out of here
because your smell is stinking
up the room again.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[MUSIC BECOMES SINGLE
SUSPENSEFUL NOTE]
This fucking lady again.
You got to be fucking kidding
me.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Let's see how you like it,
bitch.
[YELLING]
Wait, man, it's-it's me.
It's Brian.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Shit. Sorry, man.
I thought you were this crazy
old lady,
and she really wants me
out of the neighborhood.
So you thought I really was an
old lady
and you were about to beat me
with an apple?
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
What has become of you, George
Jordan?
This old lady's relentless.
Like I might call the cops.
Oh, I don't think you have to.
I think they're already on their
way.
Wait, why would the cops be
coming here?
Take it you haven't seen the
news yet?
No, I just woke up.
[NEWS INTRO ON TV]
What are you doing?
Why did you bring all that?
Dude.
I have a plan.
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
Ladies and gentlemen, the
footage
you are about to see
is extremely disturbing.
Our very own undercover
reporter, James McAuliff,
was about to reveal
the true identity
of the notorious
Van Nuys Vagrant Strangler
when none other than local
pariah George Jordan
had to intervene.
Fuck you.
Unfortunately, due to George's
actions, James was unable
to get a clear shot of the
Strangler's face,
leaving him still at large.
Are George Jordan
and the Strangler in cahoots?
Has George been helping him all
along?
These are the questions that
should be on everyone's mind.
I'm Suzanne Winters with Channel
12 News.
As a reminder for any tips that
lead to the direct arrest of
the Strangler, the reward is now
a whopping $75,000.
CREW MEMBER:
And we're off air
[DARK QUIRKY MUSIC]
Hey, Suzanne, I need to talk to
you.
Wait, Suzanne, I need to talk to
you. Hey!
Suzanne?
Yes!
Yes!
What was that?
Oh, that was a slam dunk, James.
That's what that was.
That's not what I gave you.
James.
James, What you gave me was
garbage, Okay?
But I squeezed that garbage into
coal, uh. Uh.
Then I squeezed that
call into a diamond. Ah.
Unh...yessss...fagh!
I'm sorry. What?
[GIBBERISH]...What, what, what,
what?
Like what the fuck are you still
doing in my office?
Get the fuck out of here.
'Cause Winters is a comin'.
That's right.
And it's gonna be a cold one.
[DARK QUIRKY MUSIC]
Yeah!
JAMES: You're fucking crazy. You
know what, fuck it.
SUZANNE: Yeah!
I'm out, I quit.
Ok, fine! Have it your way. Oh.
Oh, Hey, Security,
could you please escort
Mr. McAuliff out of my office?
He's having a hard time
understanding
his immediate resignation.
Thank you.
Suzanne.
Give me the footage.
I'm turning it into the police.
Oh, are you talking about,
you're talking about this?
JAMES: Yes.
SUZANNE: Oh, you want that?
Yeah, that's what I want. Can I
have that? Please?
SUZANNE: Here ya go.
JAMES: Sir. Sir. Get off me.
JAMES: Hey, listen, she's got
the footage
SUZANNE: I thought you wanted it
of the Strangler! Who's killing
people!
This is not right.
This is not right. Suzanne, I'll
have your ass! Oh, sir!
Make up your mind.
[MUSIC ENDS]
GARY:
But think about this. How many
movies have Vincent D'Onofrio
and a Velociraptor?
My two favorite things.
Oh, yeah.
Man came out here with an
animal, a pet cow.
It means the world to me.
I'd like to have him back for
good.
Yagh!
Uh-oh, get him some sugar.
And water!
Yeah. Okay.
Well, Suzanne says we're back
on George,
so back in the van,
A.S.A.P.
Shotgun.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Here, Miss Winters.
That collection of people
saying the N-word you wanted.
They use that hard R right?
Yep. All of them.
Good shit.
Good shit.
SUZANNE: How did you manage
that?
ELLIOT: Does it...
You know what? It doesn't really
matter.
I don't give a shit.
Just keep up the good work.
Do I have to?
Brring! Oh, my God.
I've got to take that.
Hello. How are you?
Oh, I'm good. Yeah, great.
Didn't even...ring.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
You're still standing here,
and I don't know why.
Great.
How are the kids, Dude?
Dude. Why is this taking so
long?
Look, you want it done fast or
you want it done right? C'mon.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[SIRENS APPROACHING, BRIAN
MUMBLING]
Dude stop. Do you hear that?
Oh shit!
[MUSIC RETURNS]
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING
LIKE OLD PEOPLE]
I'm so sorry dear laddie. Thank
you.
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
Shit.
I can't believe that worked.
What have I been trying to tell
ya, George?
My whole life is a
performance piece.
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[DRUM LINE]
[INCOHERENT DISTRESS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Man, why people are so mean to
the elderly.
Shut up, Brian. They know who we
are.
What do you guys want? You wanna
kill us?
'Cause I'm totally fine with
that now.
No, no, I'm not.
JAMES: Okay, guys, guys, hey,
relax.
BRIAN:--not speaking for the
two of us.
We're not going to kill you.
Okay?
George, I want to apologize,
man.
I'm sorry for everything.
Wait a minute.
You're that homeless reporter
from the bowling alley?
Yes. Okay. Yeah, I'm.
But I'm not homeless. I'm a
reporter.
But yes, and I was also in
the alley
where you guys shot that
weird video.
There was guy in the alley!?
What I thought he was homeless,
dude!
C'mon, how am I supposed to know
he's some kinda secret agent.
Dude, I can't believe you.
How stupid can you be?
That's a pot calling the kettle
black.
Who are they?
Gary.
BOBBY: Bobby.
BRIAN: Brian!
Guys, can we focus on the task
at hand, please?
George, you wanna clear your
name right?
Right.
And you want to see Suzanne
Winters get hers, right?
GEORGE: Right.
GARY: Wait, what?
Well, so do I.
[PLOTTING MUSIC]
So what can I do?
Okay, look, man,
I'm going to need you to be
George Jordan, America's most
hated man one last time.
GARY:
Wha-wha-what is happening?
[MUSIC ENDS]
Miss Winters?
Um. Yes. Who are you?
Me? Oh, I'm John.
Yeah, I'm the new intern.
Oh, oh my God. I don't care.
What do you want?
Oh, it's that George Jordan guy.
He's out there and he's losing
it.
Wait. Where is he? He's outside
the studio.
He's outside the studio.
Good work, Tom.
JOHN: Oh, thanks! It's John,
though.
SUZANNE: Don't care.
Right, no You don't care.
I hate myself too.
[SUSPENSE MUSIC]
George!
Move your ass.
George! What are you doing,
George?
I'm doing what everyone is
telling me to do.
Okay? Don't be so melodramatic.
It's a ten foot drop.
Yeah, well, it's high enough for
me.
JAMES:
Shit.
Shit, shit, it's not in here,
where the fuck is it.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Hey, what are you doing?
Um, what are you doing?
Uh...
[MUSIC RETURNS]
Okay. Everyone knows you're not
going to jump.
I'll jump when I'm ready.
[MUSIC ENDS]
What's with the toilet paper?
Uh-oh, TP.
It was--
well, um...
I was going to take a shit on
that desk
as my official resignation.
You're gonna take a shit on the
desk?
Aren't you afraid of what
she might do
if she finds out it's you?
Nah, man. I got so much dirt on
that bitch.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
ELLIOT:
I'm untouchable.
What dirt?
Well...let's just say I keep the
cameras rolling.
You got, you got.
You got foot--I need--I'm
going to
need that footage
Elliot, please.
Can I have that footage, please,
Elliot?
I'm asking you very nicely.
Can I have that footage?
I need it.
That footage is my insurance
policy.
I'm going to hand it to you?
How do I know that
you're not working for Suzanne?
You think I work for Suza--you
think...c'mon man! i don't--
Okay, how can I prove it to you?
You first.
I hope you got a big one in the
chamber.
'Cause I sure do.
SUZANNE:
Okay. Okay. That's it.
I'm coming up.
Oh, shit.
I didn't see that coming.
George, you never cease to amaze
me.
I mean, come on, George
George Jordan, can you tell us
why you're up here on
this ledge?
Has the guilt of your own sins
finally caught up to you?
Is this your apology to the
world?
Oh, um.
ELLIOT [ON TV]:
Here Miss Winters, that
collection of
people saying the
N-word you wanted.
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
They use the hard R right?
ELLIOT [ON TV]:
Yes, all of them.
Good shit. Good shit.
I don't give a fuck about your
sleep cycle.
[WHILE TV CONTINUES]
No, no, no!
Well, well, well.
Miss Winters, how does it feel--
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck me.
SUZANNE:
Yoo-hoo! Wait a sec.
No, no, no, wait, wait, No.
This isn't what you think! You
guys know me!
This thing is clearly doctored.
That's not even real.
Come on.
I'm Suzanne Winters!
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
I am Suzanne
mother-fucking Winters
and fuck children,
and fuck my neighbors
and fuck puppies and fuck
kittens and fuck you Elliot!
Shut the fuck up, Elliot.
YOU!
Oh, my God.
Why isn't anyone doing
anything!?
Okay, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Okay, hold on.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
JAMES:
Suzanne Winters is awaiting
trial for withholding
evidence of the Van Nuys Vagrant
Strangler's Identity.
On top of numerous accounts
of slander and assault,
Miss Winters may be facing
anywhere
from 5 to 10 years
in prison.
In related news, the reward has
been claimed
for the apprehension of the
Van Nuys
Vagrant Strangler by none other
than local hero George Jordan.
After this commercial break,
we're going to check in with
George, just to see how
he spent that reward money.
All right, man. We're live in
five here.
Man, this is so crazy.
You know, yesterday I was just
an unpaid intern,
living in my mom's basement.
Now, I'm a full blown news man
living in my mom's basement
just 'til I get on my
feet, though.
JOHN: Times are tough. Yeah.
GARY: I know. It's a crazy town.
All right, mic check,
check one, check two, check one,
check two.
Check one, check two.
Come on, let's get this over
with.
Alright.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]
What, you gotta potty? You gotta
piss?
Okay, then, go. Go potty. Go
piss.
I'm not a fan of this color just
'cause
I feel like it's super
depressing, and I just, I want
people to come in and feel good
about themselves.
WOMAN: Yeah, colorful!
KIM: Y'know?
And that's what also makes me a
little bit nervous
about adding all these little
guys right here.
It just looks like a really big
bush.
You got this, buddy.
Yeah, they're here to see you.
You're on top.
You're George Jordan.
[MUSIC ENDS]
George Jordan.
Woah little lady.
I think you're a little mixed up
here.
This is the boys room.
KID: No, but--
GEORGE: Yeah, you don't want to
go in there.
There's all kinds of gross
things. Here.
Little girls rooms right here.
See?
Have fun.
Hello!
George, my man. How you doing?
GEORGE: Good
JOHN: How's business?
Pizza, flowers, weird mix.
Yeah.
Okay, we're uh, we're live in
five, four, three
Right now?
Oh, thanks, Jimmy.
I'm here with George Jordan,
local celebrity and
business owner.
George.
How in God's earth
did you come up with this idea?
Hey, John. Well, after
everything that happened
and getting all that money,
I didn't know what to do
with myself.
I thought about running away.
I even thought about donating
all of it.
And then it came to me.
How can George Jordan
contribute to his community?
And that's when I thought of
delicious pizza and flowers.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
Speaking of flowers, my
beautiful girlfriend
Kim can explain everything, as
she's the master--
Hey, asshole. Did you tell my
transgender child
they can't use the bathroom?
N-n-n-no, no, no.
I showed your little girl
where the girl's room--
Agh! He identifies as a man.
You privileged piece of shit.
Young child,
Did Mr. Jordan do something to
you?
He touched me and said I had to
go to the little girl's room.
He touched you.
KID'S MOM:
You touched him.
KID'S MOM: You touched him?
GRANDPA: No, no, no...
I will kick your ass from here
to Kansas, you piece of crap.
Mr. Jordan, is this true?
Are you transphobic, or do you
have some sort of specific
vendetta against this beautiful,
gender-bending creature of God?
No.
Fuck me. Right?
OLD LADY:
Fuck you.
Oh!
[MAIN MUSICAL THEME]
[SILLY MUSIC THROUGH END OF
CREDITS]
[QUIRKY MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Ok you know...
I don't think I can do this,
guys.
Well, you know, this is what it
takes.
If you want to be a real
reporter.
You know, I don't feel like much
of a real reporter
Okay, because I get the get up
and everything;
the clothes, the make up,
But why do I have to smell
like fucking garbage?
Hey, it was Suzanne's idea.
So you blend in.
Oh God, what did you spray me
with?
The stuff is awful.
It's called stink water.
Want to know what's in it?
No, I don't wanna know
what's in it.
Hey look, you said you wanted a
story and you got a story, so
don't be a little bitch
about it.
All right.
Let me get a mic check here.
Okay, uh check, uh check. One,
two.
If I die tonight, I want you to
know that the guilt is on you.
Uh, you both should know this.
And if I get raped or if I get
murdered or if it's both,
..it's on you and you.
All right. Sounds good?
Yeah. Look, don't worry.
We're going to be there for you
the whole time in the van.
Anything goes wrong,
we got your back.
From the van.
[VAN DOOR SLAMS]
[PECULIARLY OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, George, why don't you take
a cutout early today, huh?
Are you sure I can stick around
and help?
Eh, you just do me a favor,
take out the trash before you
go, alright?
GREG: Okay!
MR. GRECO: Yeah.
Thanks Mr. Greco.
Yeah, no problem,
Hey, do you think I can buy a
loaf of bread?
I'm going to dinner at my
parents house tonight.
Oh don't even worry. Just
take it.
I'm going to throw it out
anyway. Right?
Okay. Thanks.
Hey, do me a favor.
Say hello to your mom and dad
for me. Alright?
You got it.
Alright. Get your bread.
Thanks, Mr. Greco.
You got it.
[DISHWARE CLANKING]
What's going on with you guys,
opening your second location?
Which you would be running?
Well, I'm...things are kind
of slow at the shop, Dad,
but I'm working on fixing that.
And then I'll bring it up on
Tuesday. I swear.
Yeah, you better.
You don't want to find yourself
sitting with your thumb up your
ass saying,
"Oh, what the hell
happened?"
MOM: Jesus Christ Marcus.
DAD: Heyyyyy
This from the woman who
I hear walking
around the house screaming,
"Fuckt his and fuck that."
I don't know what you're talking
about.
You don't?
No. I don't. I can't believe
you would
DAD: Oh when are you gonna
pull the tit out?
MOM: use that language in
front of your son?
He's 28 years old.
George, let me ask you a
question.
Is this the first time
that you have ever heard the
word fuck in your life?
Fuck, no.
Oh, my God!
DAD: I'm telling you.
GEORGE:
Um, do you think I can
borrow the iron?
My iron?
You want to borrow my iron?
GEORGE:
I'm taking Kim out on a
date tonight.
Everything I own is wrinkled
and,
No, Dad, I don't. Not yet.
There are a few certain
necessities that every man
must have in his own house. And
an iron is one of them.
I'm taking her out for ice
cream.
And I know, Dad.
I'm working on it. I swear.
Hold on.
I'll grab it for ya.
You um, you remember to go see
your grandfather today?
Yeah, Dad, I do every day.
Good.
He gets lonely ever since your
grandmother passed.
Yeah, I know.
I actually enjoy it.
MOM:
Here you go, baby.
Aw, thanks Ma.
You sure you don't want to run
home?
Grab your shirt and have Mommy
do it?
No, Mom, I know how to iron a
shirt.
I would hope so.
All right, well, I got to get
going or I'll be late.
But I love you
guys, and dinner was amazing.
Thank you.
I'll see you guys later.
Tell Kim we say hi.
Oh, and be careful.
There's a strangler on the
loose.
DAD: And don't forget to bring
back my iron.
MOM: Marcus!
What? It's a very good iron.
GEORGE:
You know what I realized
today?
KIM:
What's that?
Exactly eight months ago today,
we started dating.
[KIM CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
Some things you just can't help
but remember.
Happy month-a-versary, girl.
Hmmm.
Eight months ago today, we
became Facebook official.
Yesterday would have been eight
months since you asked me out.
[KIM LAUGHS]
Oh, I got the same reminder.
But a cute try, though, babe.
Yeah, but I really did remember
before I went on the Facebook.
George.
Besides, nowadays, what's more
important when it actually
happens or when it goes on the
Facebook?
I am teasing you, George.
Happy month-a-versary baby.
I really did remember.
Oh, yeah, I can.
I'm sure you did.
[LAUGHS]
I think I love you, George
Jordan.
LOU:
Hey, what's it going to be
today, George?
Hey, Lou.
The usual. Thanks.
Coming right up.
Anything for you?
I'm all set. Thanks.
I got to tell you, man,
I don't know how your
grandfather eats this shit.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's weird.
No, I've seen weird stuff.
I believe you.
No, I mean, I've been to Burning
Man.
Like back in the eighties, you
know,
But this sandwich, this
sandwich, I...
I don't know.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
GRANDPA:
Georgie boy? Is
that you?
Hey, Grandpa, I brought you
lunch.
It's your favorite, meatball
parm, banana, peppers and ranch.
Ahhhhh.
Hmm. My son sure raised one hell
of a good kid.
You know that.
Oh thanks, Grandpa.
What are you watching?
It's a documentary about that
Kitty Genovese.
Kitty Genovese? Who's that?
Who's Kitty Genovese?
What the hell do they teach ya
in those schools?
No wonder you kids need
kneepads to take a shit.
She's this broad who got
butchered in front of all of
her neighbors, who did nothing.
The sons of bitches.
They should have been brought
out back and put down. Pow.
I can't believe that. How could
someone just stand around
and watch?
Well, that's cause you got my
blood pumping through you.
We Jordans are built strong and
tough.
GEORGE: Yeah. Don't I know it?
GRANDPA: Yeah.
[MANLY GRUNT]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, Grandpa, I gotta get
going.
Kim's making me dinner tonight.
Oh, What's she making?
I'm not sure,
but she said she's making a lot.
Are you bringing something?
No.
You should never show up for
dinner empty handed.
Grab some wine. It's an easy
fix.
GEORGE: Okay.
GRANDPA: Yeah.
All right. I think I'll do
that, Grandpa.
GRANDPA: Okay.
GEOREG: Thanks.
Sons of bitches. Pow!
[NEWS ON TV IN BACKGROUND]
[LIGHTHEARTED QUIRKY MUSIC
PLAYS]
WOMAN: What are you doing!?
[YELLS] please stop! Stop!
Someone help me!
[YELLS]
What are you doing?! Oh my god!
Don't touch me!
[YELLS]
I'm gonna make you mine bitch!
I'm gonna make sure
nobody wants to
GEORGE: Hey!
ASSAILANT: look at you again.
Hey! Hey, mister.
What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own.
What? Whatcha going to do
about it, huh?
See now I'm a fuck her up,
then I'm a fuck you up.
Jail style.
What you gonna do about it? Huh?
I'm...
That's what I thought
What's that?
That's wine? That's Pinot
Grigio?
Actually, Yeah.
I fucking love Pinot Grigio.
Give me that Pinot Grigio.
C'mon.
Okay.
And those. What size is that?
That's a size 12?
It better be a size 12.
Jesus Christ. How would you know
that? What the--
They probably fucking look
better on you anyway.
Just please let her go. Please.
Good. Good.
Just one more thing.
[WHIMPERS]
ASSAILANT: Got ya!
WOMAN: Got ya!
[LAUGHING]
ASSAILANT: Oh, my God.
ASSAILANT: That was so good.
WOMAN: ...Perfect
WOMAN: That was great.
Hey man, sorry to scare you like
that we're--
we're doing a social
experiment.
It's. Yeah, it's all right. It's
not real.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What the hell was that?
That, that, that wasn't funny,
like, at all.
It's called acting. I'm an
actor.
My name is Chad.
Oh hey, we're just going to need
you to sign right here.
WOMAN: That would be great.
SECRET FILMER: Right here, use
my back.
By the way, that was phenomenal
job, guys.
Oh, my gosh. I felt it that
time.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
WOMAN: Look at his tears!
[EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
Enjoy your wine too, yeah!
Oh, oh, by the way, I actually
do love wine.
Oh you love Pinot Grigio!
That part wasn't acting.
He knows his smokey wines and
the, you know, the sweet wines.
SECRET FILMER: Chad is the one
to take to a wine bar.
WOMAN: Yeah, yeah.
Oh yes. Speaking of wine bars,
should we go to one?
WOMAN: Oh! Let's get some
tapas. Tapas?
SECRET FILMER: Uh...probably
have enough time.
Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
WOMAN: Have a good night you
guys.
What the hell was that?
SECRET FILMER: Oh! Oh!
[FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF]
Hello!?
[CRIES SOFTLY]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, baby.
I got you a bottle of wine.
I hope you like it.
You wouldn't believe what
happened to me today.
Okay. Is something wrong?
Yeah, I guess you could say
that.
Well what is it?
I think you know what it is.
Babe.
Come on, tell me what's going
on.
Give me a hint.
Hmm.
[VIDEO PLAYS ON LAPTOP]
Hey, Mister. What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own. What?
What's gonna do about it, huh?
I'm not gonna do anything.
What's that? That's wine? that's
Pinot Grigio?
Give me that Pinot Grigio.
Okay.
[VIDEO CONTINUES TO PLAY]
Here, take them.
They probably fucking look
better on you anyway.
Just please don't hurt me.
I'll do anything you want.
I swear.
[CRIES]
What the fuck?
That literally just happened.
But that's not what happened.
How does that have so many hits?
Over a million hits, George.
It's trending on Twitter,
and somebody's already made a
rap remix to it.
Do you know what that means?
That means that over a million
people already know
that my ex-boyfriend is the
biggest pussy on the Internet.
Babe. It wasn't real.
It was a prank.
Don't call me babe.
How could you just stand there?
I mean what if, what if that was
me? What would you have done?
I don't know what to say,
but it wasn't a real.
They doctored the tape.
No! Shh-shh.
Just stop talking.
Get out of my apartment.
I don't ever want to see you
again. Is that understood?
I love you.
Well, I don't love you. Not
anymore.
Oh, and by the way, I should let
you know I took the liberty
of going on your Facebook page
and changing your
relationship status.
You did what?
I changed it to single,
and I blocked myself.
I am not going down with you,
George.
I have a life,
and it's going to stay that way.
Now leave, before someone gets
the wrong idea.
KIM:
Bye!
This is a fucking guy.
[MOCKING]
Oh, please. Somebody help me.
It wasn't real. It was a prank.
What the hell's wrong with
you people?
Fuck you, you Pinot Grigio
bitch.
Yeah. Fuck you!
You won't do shit.
George, I swear to God,
if you don't leave,
I'm going to call the cops.
Okay? Okay. I'm leaving. I'm
sorry.
It was a fucking prank!
This week's video breakdown just
came in and it was a doozy.
Let's put 30 seconds on the
clock and watch
George Jordan become my new
personal favorite hero.
Hey, mister, What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own.
What? What you going to do about
it, huh?
I'll do anything you want. I
swear.
Oh, crap.
[GEORGE CRIES ON VIDEO]
Oh shit honey. George is here.
What do we do?
T-t-t-turn out the lights. Don't
say anything.
Is the door locked?
It is now.
Lights. Lights.
Get the lights.
[KEYS JINGLE]
Shit!
Shush!
Oh, fuck.
He's got a key.
What the fuck? They change the
locks?
GEORGE:
Hello?
Mom, Dad, this isn't fucking
funny.
I'm having, like,
the worst day of my life.
[IN UNISON]
We know!
We saw the video!
I got to tell you, George,
we are not too proud
right about now.
[SHOES SHUFFLE]
[TV ON IN BACKGROUND]
SHOW HOST:
Aye-yo, this next cat
is something else.
You feel me, dog? All right.
This dude.
When Danger comes, he shoulda
just started a-runnin.
You know what I'm saying?
Instead, he just stays there
pooping his pants.
Plus, his face looks like an
aborted fetus.
All right, check it out, y'all.
Hey, mister, What are you doing?
Shut the fuck up and mind your
own. What?
What's going to do about it,
huh?
[VIDEO PLAYS ON TV]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Gimme that Pinot Grigio!
[VIDEO CONTINUES TO PLAY]
[GEORGE CRIES ON VIDEO]
Dude. Have you been on Facebook?
You're, like, famous.
And I don't mean the good kind.
I mean, like, the bad kind.
And there's a word for it.
Man, this guy's infamous. Yeah,
that's it.
Yeah that's it! That's the word.
It's fucking everywhere.
I-I don't know what to do.
I can't get on the Facebook.
I-I think Kim change all my
passwords.
Dude.
You're not kidding.
What happened?
What do you mean, what happened?
The tape was doctored.
It was a prank.
And?
And what?
I-I didn't know what to do.
I panicked.
I thought I was next.
Next for what? Like the rape?
Yeah.
Scary.
It happened so fast.
I panicked.
And the next thing I know,
5 seconds later,
the video is everywhere.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
You think I can get them to take
it down?
No fucking way, dude.
That tape's in so many places,
it'd be impossible to
take it down.
So then what?
I don't know.
But.
Shhhhh.
There's that.
What is this?
It's a list of pay phone
addresses?
Yeah. Why the hell do you have
this?
I saved every number as a
different alias in my phone.
Okay, so if you need to get a
hold of me,
That's how you're
going to do it.
At least until this shit blows
over.
If, it blows over.
Wait, you're kidding me?
What do you think they have my
phones tapped?
It's the Facebook. Okay?
They know everything.
I got to go. Okay.
If you need to get a hold of me.
Use one of those numbers. Ask
for Kevin.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
So who's Kevin?
Are you Kevin or my Kevin?
No one's Kevin.
Why am I asking for Kevin?
Just remember, ask for Kevin.
Oh, fuck Kevin!
Um, who's Kevin?
No one's Kevin.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Oh what do you want now?
What do you want, Kevin?
Who's Kevin?
Are you George Jordan?
I, I...
I might be.
Okay. I'm Suzanne Winners from
Channel 12 News.
You are George Jordan.
I am.
Yeah. You are.
Can I get you something?
Tea? Coffee?
Oh, tea would be great.
Thank you.
I assume you're here because
of the
doctored video on the
Internet of me.
We at Channel 12 News
want to give you an opportunity
to tell your side of the story.
Now, would you be free to come
into the studio tomorrow
to do an interview to
plead your case?
Wait, you actually believe me?
Oh, all right.
Be at the news station tomorrow
at six for make up.
Okay.
And here are directions to the
news station and a list of
questions that you should be
prepared to answer.
I'll be there. Thank you.
Would you like honey in your
tea?
Oh, no, thank you.
Looking forward to seeing you
tomorrow.
Oh, and, George, one more thing.
Yeah?
Your balls are out.
Oh fuck.
No, wait.
Sorry.
Fuck.
Shit.
[CARS DRIVING BY]
Are you ready, George?
Yeah, I think so.
Hmm. Just be yourself.
You'll be fine.
Mhmm.
[GARGLES]
[COUGHS SHARPLY]
[COUGHS]
Bla la la la la la la la.
Ca-ca
That's it.
[EXHALES NERVOUSLY]
Hi, I'm Suzanne Winners today on
Channel 12 News.
We have none other than the
infamous YouTube sensation
George Jordan.
Some of you may know him better
as "The Crying Guy"
or "The Do Nothing Guy" or even
"Cold Foot".
"Cold Foot"?
George, in your own words,
can you tell us what happened
that night? A night the world
may never forget. Ever.
GEORGE: I uh,
SUZANNE: Ever.
Well, first off,
the night you're talking about
was last night.
Are you avoiding the question,
George?
No, I'm just letting everyone
know
that it hasn't even been a week
since this happened.
What happened that night,
George?
Well, I was leaving the
liquor store
when I heard a horrible,
shrill scream.
SUZANNE: The victim
GEORGE: The actor.
It wasn't real.
Hmm. Well, it looked pretty real
to me, George.
Why would anyone make light of
such an atrocity?
I don't know. For the hits?
They said it was a social
experiment.
Well, the assailant in the video
was African-American.
Did this play a factor in your
reaction?
No, it's not like I hate black
people.
It it was a joke.
I was going along with it.
So you're saying you think rape
is a joke?
Do I think rape is a joke?
No, I think it's an epidemic
that's been plaguing the country
for way too long.
Supposing your story is true,
what did you think of your
acting performance?
I think it was okay,
but I could do better.
Where were you going with that
bottle of wine, George?
GEORGE: Well I-
SUZANNE: Do I have a drinking
problem?
Do I have a drinking problem?
No!
I was going to my girlfriends,
for dinner,
and I didn't want to show up
empty handed.
What's your girlfriend's name?
Kim.
But she has nothing to do with
this.
What did Kim say about you
showing up
without the wine and without
your shoes?
Well, she didn't say anything
because
I showed up in my shoes with
the wine.
Do you care about Kim?
Yes! I love Kim.
I would do anything for Kim.
Well, what if it was Kim being
attacked
instead of this poor girl
who is presumably dead?
Would you have done anything
differently then?
I would've done a lot.
But that's not the point.
The whole thing was staged.
It was fake.
Why don't you people get that?
If this was fake,
why would you put your signature
on a release form
for a video that clearly makes
you out to be a horrible person?
Well, honestly, she
asked for it,
and I wasn't paying attention.
And why hasn't anyone brought
the fact that there was
a guy filming it and why he
didn't do anything?
[SIGH]
Wow.
Well, there you have it.
George Jordan says the video
is fake,
and he's got the shoes to
prove it.
When we come back, our very own
James McAuliff
has been undercover as a
homeless man
wandering the valley in search
of the notorious,
Van Nuys Vagrant Strangler.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
CREW: That's a cut.
Okay.
What the hell was that?
Oh, nothing. You did great.
Don't worry about it.
Don't forget to pick up your
complimentary
Channel 12 news
hat on the way out.
[HITS VAPE]
Do you think that's going to
work?
Tonight at five.
When this airs,
your life is going to change.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Mhmm. Ahhhhh!
Sweaty hands.
Sweaty hands. Why your hands
sweaty?
It only happens when I get
nervous.
It's gross.
Makeup!
And that brings the death toll
now to 14.
Back to you, Suzanne.
CREW: And cut.
Hey, guys.
I don't know how much longer I
can do this.
Man, I mean, I feel like any day
now I'll be next.
Yeah, I think that's uh,
kind of the point buddy.
Hey, but like I said, don't
worry.
We're going to be there for you.
From the van.
Good luck, buddy.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[VAN ENGINE STARTS]
CREW: He's dead.
[KIM HUMMING]
Oh.
Good to go.
[humming]
[FRIGHTENED EXHALE]
What the fuck are you doing
here?
Let me explain.
Explain what?
I told you, I never wanted to
see you again.
There's nothing to explain here.
I know, but.
But just do me a favor and watch
Channel 12 News tonight, please.
The local news channel.
Why would I watch that?
Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to vacate the premises.
Please. For me, it will explain
everything.
Sir.
I will call the authorities.
Hey, is everything okay over
there?
Yeah, it's fine, thanks.
Can you just please watch
the news at five?
Please
Uh, miss?
Hi.
Hi, um.
Is this boy?
Is he bothering you?
GEORGE: No!
KIM: Yes!
Hey, aren't you cold foot?
No! Who the fuck is this cold
foot guy?
No, I'm not George Jordon.
Hmm.
Well uh, whoever the fuck
you are,
I suggest you get the fuck
out of here
before something really bad
happens to you. Okay?
Okay. I'm leaving. You happy?
Just please watch.
Next. [CLEARS THROAT]
Can I get a meatball
parm, banana, peppers and ranch?
Oh, shit. George, is that you?
I don't know what you're talking
about.
I'm in a rush.
Holy shit, it is you!
Aye guys. George is here.
It's not me!
Of course it's you.
You're the only person who
orders that weird ass sandwich.
WOMAN: Hey, it's the crying guy.
Can I get a picture?
No! You fucking may not!
[CUSTOMERS FRENZY]
Next.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
Hey, Grandpa.
Hello?
Couldn't get your sandwich
today.
There's something going on at
the Deli.
But I hope you like a burger.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Is that you? Yeah.
Come on back. I can use a hand.
GRANDPA GEORGE [V.O.]:
in front of all of her
neighbors.
Who did nothing.
Those sons of bitches.
Should have been brought out
back and put down.
Pow!
George, I can't get my Youtubes
to work.
Can you help me?
And I got this damn rabbits
eaten up all my tomatoes.
George?
George?
Ah! I gotcha.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS]
What do you think it could be?
Quiet, it's about to start.
Today on
Channel 12
News,
we have none other
than the infamous
YouTube sensation,
George Jordan.
Some of you may know him better
as "The Crying Guy"
or "The Do Nothing" guy or even
"Cold Foot".
George, in your own words,
can you tell us what happened
that night?
Well, I was leaving the
liquor store
when I heard a horrible,
shrill scream.
SUZANNE: The victim?
GEORGE: Yes.
And you did nothing to help
that poor woman in distress?
Honestly, she asked for it.
She asked for it.
Are you insinuating that what
the woman was wearing
made her
deserve the attack?
I think rape is a joke.
Fucking idiot.
The assailant in the video was
African-American.
Did this play a factor in your
reaction?
Yes. I hate black people.
Did he just fucking say that?
What a fucking scumbag.
I understand you were on your
way to your girlfriend's house.
Yes!
What if the victim was your
girlfriend?
I could do better.
Would you really be okay
losing the woman
you claim you love?
It was a joke. I was going
along with it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
George, why do you think men
attack women?
For the hits.
They do it for the hits?
SECRET FILMER:
He was a really
likable guy, man.
Now nobody's gonna be friends
with him.
I have to say, George, I'm a
little disturbed
by what I'm hearing.
Um. There are rumors on the
comments board that you have
connections to
white supremacist groups.
Tell me, what do you think about
the Nazi party?
I think it was okay.
And the Holocaust.
The whole thing was staged. It
was fake.
Why don't you people get that?
George, I am disgusted even
being in the same room with you.
I think I smell whiskey on your
breath.
I have a drinking problem.
SUZANNE: Oh, my God. Well, that
doesn't surprise me.
MOM: Oh honey,
MOM: we need to do something.
SUZANNE: I have one more
question for you George.
What do you think of North
Korean dictator Kim Jong un?
I love Kim.
I would do anything for Kim.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Monsters do exist, and they are
among us.
George Jordan, May you burn in
hell.
When we come back, our very own
James McAuliff
SUZANNE: has been undercover as
a homeless man
DAD: He's fucked.
wandering the
valley in search of the
notorious Van Nuys Vagrant
Strangler.
A reminder, the reward for any
tips that lead to the direct
arrest of the strangler
is now up to $40,000.
[PHONE RINGS]
Greco's Pizza, pick up or
delivery?
Yeah, George, um.
No, don't worry about that.
That-that-that's fine. That's
fine. Uhhh...
You know just, just don't even
come in tomorrow.
Yeah, in fact just,
Just take the week, get better.
Whatever is, uh, you need to do
to get to get better.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Kim?
George, um, can I come in?
If not, I-I-I totally
understand.
No no no no, totally come in.
Please.
Uh, I made you breakfast.
Oh, I can see. Thank you.
It looks great.
Yeah, well, I figured
I still owed you
a meal from the other night, so
I hope you like it.
Oh, my God. It's amazing.
Yeah?
Are you kidding me? It's
incredible.
I'm so glad that you like it.
It's the best breakfast I ever
had.
[KIM EXHALES]
Okay, uh.
Here I go.
[KIM BREATHES SHAKILY]
George.
I am so, so sorry
for abandoning
you during your time of need.
You know, I was.
[CRIES SOFTLY]
I was scared.
And,
And I didn't know what to do.
[DRAMATICALLY CRIES]
Hey ,hey, hey, It's okay.
No!
It's ok.
No it's not.
[SOBBING]
I hate myself. I hate myself!
Come here, come here.
Hey, I don't blame you, okay?
I was put in a bad situation.
I think I'm out of it now.
But I was just so terrible to
you. Ya know.
And, and you don't deserve that
and,
I love you, and I'm going to
make it up to you.
Okay?
[SOBS]
Okay.
It's ok. It's ok.
MOM: You're the best.
[LAUGHS]
[IN UNISON]
Huh! Woah!
Sandwiches.
Ohhh!
[DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
I want that some day George.
[INHALES EXCITEDLY]
Hi! You're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
You are so handsome.
You are so cute.
I love you. I-I
DOG [V.O.]:
Howdy, George.
Hey, dog.
I got some bad news for you,
buddy.
What's that?
This isn't real, George.
You're still asleep.
Go figure.
DOG [V.O.]:
Yeah.
Your life's still shit.
Oh, man.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Kim?
You.
Can I help you?
Fuck you.
Ah, Jesus Christ, lady.
What the fuck? What's wrong with
you?
OLD WOMAN: Get out of our
neighborhood
GEORGE: How deep is that
damn basket?
OLD WOMAN: you damn Nazi fucker!
GEORGE: Stop!
Jesus!
What the hell?
This is my favorite robe.
[MUFFLED HECKLING IN BACKGROUND]
Oh, you again?
Fuck you, lady. Fuck you, too!
Yeah!
Yeah, you--
Yeah. Fuck you.
I got an apple.
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[DRUMLINE CONTINUES]
Hey, Cold Foot.
I see you.
I see you. Cold Foot.
Think you're hiding?
Leave me alone!
Hey. Hey. Cold foot.
Are those a size 12?
It's 1 p.m. on a Tuesday.
Aren't you supposed to be at
school or something?
I'm going to ask you one more
time Cold Foot.
Are those a size 12?
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[KIM CHATTING TO PLANTS]
Help! Somebody help me!
I don't know this man! Somebody
call the police! Please!
It's not what you think.
I had a dream. The dog talked.
You brought me breakfast.
That was actually good.
We had passionate sex in my
kitchen.
What the fuck are you rambling
about?
Well, I'm trying to tell you,
Kim.
Is I love you. I want you to be
my wife.
[GASPING IN FEAR]
What. what do you say?
Kim, will you be Mrs. Jordan?
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
[YELLS]
Oh fuck!
Why would you do that?
Hey, Kimmy. The dog talked!
He told me.
He told me!
What are you doing?
Kimmy?!
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[METAL RATTLES]
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
Jordan. George. You're free to
go.
Thank God.
All right, Mr. Jordan.
We don't know what you were
doing today at the flower shop
or what your obsession with
Miss Kim Korine is.
But if we find you within 100
yards of Gloria's flower shop
or Miss Korine, you will be
arrested immediately.
Is that understood?
Understood Officer.
Here are your belongings.
What's this?
This isn't mine.
No, That's a gift from the
station.
It's called a rape whistle.
[CHUCKLES]
We figured you might need that.
That's hilarious.
On a personal note, Mr. Jordan.
I just want you to know that I
do not like you.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
He-Hello?
MA [DISTORTED, OVER PHONE]:
Meet me and Dad in the park, in
one hour.
I'll be on the third bench.
Ma?
Ma, is that you?
[CALL ENDS]
Hello?
[DRUMLINE PLAYS]
[UPBEAT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
What do you want?
Your father and I had an idea
how to get you out of this whole
thing.
Yeah. What is it?
And where's Dad?
He's standing look out.
So, Youtube got you into this
mess.
Maybe YouTube can get you out.
I don't follow you.
Well...
you look like such a little
bitch in that first video.
So, you should make a new one,
where you're the hero.
Yeah? And how am I supposed to
do that, Mom?
I don't know.
Get your little friend. Get a
camcorder.
Show everyone how good you are.
DOG OWNER:
No. Stay away from that man.
He's a bitch.
Disgusting. Grow a pair.
I don't care if you don't have
your orthotics in Marcus,
move your goddamn ass.
This way!
This is such bullshit.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Everyone, look who's calling.
It's Jean Beige.
Let's hope it's her
and not that pesky Phoenix.
Hello, Jean.
Is everything all right with the
team?
What's going on?
Jean? No, no, it's George.
Ah...Jean, you're breaking up,
I can't quite hear you.
Maybe we should switch to using
our telekinesis
and special powers to chat.
I'm looking for Kevin.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
All right,
You're coming in loud and clear.
What can I do for you?
Hey, meet me at my place
at eight.
I think I have a plan to fix
this.
Yeah. I don't really quite
know if-
[HANGS UP]
George? George?
[ACTION BEAT PLAYS]
Oh, hell no.
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Coming up next.
George Jordan is back yet again.
It seems he has graduated
from just watching women
be attacked, to actually
committing attacks himself.
The dog talked.
He told me.
He told me!
What are you doing?
[SAME NEWS REPORT PLAYS IN
BACKGROUND]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, George.
Hey.
Uh, listen, there's something
I need to tell you.
You can't work here anymore.
What do you mean, you're firing
me?
This is the first time
I've taken any personal time.
It has nothing to do with that.
It's just.
I can't have someone like you
working here.
I mean, I can barely keep the
doors open as it is--
--Someone like me,
what does that mean?
Someone like me
working here?
It's bad for the image.
This is a-a family
establishment.
And you being a um,
son of a bitch and all.
Image. What image?
This is a shitty pizza place.
You barely get 12 customers a
month.
I'm sorry, George.
No, I'm not sorry.
Goodbye.
So that's how it's going to be.
[NEWS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND]
[DAUNTING MUSIC PLAYS]
[SIGHS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
What happened to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
How you holding up?
Have you not seen the news?
Apparently, I'm a Nazi and rape
enthusiast now.
Oh, and I just got fired.
You hated that job anyways.
Out of everything I just said,
that's what you choose to
address?
To be honest, George.
For a minute there, I was
thinking about something else.
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
So, what's this about?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
We're going to make a
performance piece.
Just like that lying piece of
shit, Suzanne Winters.
A video where I look like the
hero and save the day.
George.
My whole life as a performance
piece.
Yeah. Everyone's going to be
like,
"Fuck yeah, George, get it
done."
GEORGE: This guy knows. Yeah.
BRIAN: Cool. I like it. I like
it a lot.
How you plan on doing it?
Well, you're going to steal the
purse and I'm gonna stop you.
Wait, I'm the bad guy?
Well, no, you're going to be in
the disguise.
No one's going to know it's you.
Okay. Uh.
How are we going to get a girl?
I mean, we don't know any,
and no one likes you.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
You ready?
[UPBEAT HEIST MUSIC]
GEORGE [V.O.]:
First we meet at the Rockies on
Sepulveda.
You know the good one
by the Boom-Boom Room.
Then we coast down Sepulveda,
toward the oddball cabaret,
and find our "actress."
Pick her up, find the perfect
location,
shoot it, upload it and watch
the hits roll in.
[MUSIC ENDS]
It's foolproof.
I know, right?
How'd you come up with it?
I don't know. It just came to me
when I was walking through
the park.
This your mom's idea?
It's my mom's idea.
Carol knows best.
[HEIST MUSIC RETURNS]
RANDOM COP: It is fun.
BRIAN: I mean, that would...
Brian are you fucking kidding
me?
[WHISTLES]
You too.
Why are you dressed like a cop?
What do you mean?
I thought you said
I'm 'sposed to be like a
hero or something.
No. Me!
I'm supposed to save her.
What! Wait. I'm the bad guy?
No, I'm not doing that.
Who would agree to that?
Just get in. I stopped at
7-Eleven and grabbed a mask.
Unbutton that shirt
and take off that stupid badge.
It's not stupid, it's real.
Hey, you. You're that guy,
you're Cold Foot.
Fuck off.
Let's go hookin'.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Hey, boys. I'm Tiff Nomorales.
Well hi, Tiff Nomorales.
We're filmmakers,
and we'd like to know if you
want to be the star
of our next
performance piece.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Are you like, porn guys?
BRIAN: No, no, no, no, no-
TIFF: Oh, this is the Bang
Hybrid. I've seen this.
TIFF: Hey Mom, hey...
BRIAN: No, no, no, no.
It's. It's. It's nothing like
that at all.
Trust me, you can keep your,
um...
clothes on the entire time if
you'd like.
Okay. That's kinky.
All right.
It's $120 an hour.
No dog. No poop.
And no dairy.
[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]
Deal?
No dairy?
[MUSIC RETURNS]
All right, guys.
Almost ready.
Let's do this thing!
GEORGE:
Wait. Stop.
What is that behind you?
Nothin'. C'mon, let's go.
This is takin' forever.
You're gonna have to buy another
hour.
All right, fine. Whatever.
Are you guys set?
BRIAN: Ready!
TIFF: Set.
And action!
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
What? No! Stop!
Will someone please help,
someone that's really cool
and totally not chicken shit.
Halt bad do-er.
I'm George, and I'm here to stop
you.
Oh, no, not George Jordan.
Not again.
Whatever am I going to do now?
Stop your evil ways, that's
what.
You're lucky. George Jordan
gives second chances.
Second chances.
Now beat it.
Yes, yes. I promise. I am going
to change my evil ways.
All thanks to George Jordan.
Oh, George Jordan.
You are my hero,
and totally, like, not a little
bitch or something.
What can I say?
I do what I can.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Dude. I love it.
Nobody can see this ever.
How did we think this was a good
idea?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
SUZANNE:
Oh, my God, It's perfect.
Wh-what? Why? Who is this?
What are you talking about, who
is this? Where have you been?
JAMES: I was on the street--
SUZANNE: This is George fucking
Jordan.
His fuck ups pay your salary.
I see.
W-wait a second.
I just got a great idea. Um.
How would you like a promotion?
Are you joshing me?
Because I-I would love a
promotion.
I mean, does this mean that
I have to be homeless anymore?
No, no, no. This works. I like
this.
Okay. Is there a raise involved?
No. Your job is to follow
George around
and film everything he does.
But what about the strangler?
Oh fuck the strangler. If you
ask me,
he's doing us all a solid.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't touch me.
Your job is George now.
Okay. But I'm still homeless?
SUZANNE: Yes.
JAMES: Okay, can I at least go
home?
No. Here's his address.
Now you go get him, tiger,
and I have a lot of faith in
you, okay?
And get the fuck out
of my office
'cause your smell is
upsetting me.
Okay. Thank you so much for
this. I really appreciate--
Get. Out.
[MUSIC ENDS]
ROSALISA:
The 405 is at a
complete standstill,
and the 101 has five accidents
so get ready not to move.
And as for the weather, hot and
sweaty.
That's Southern California,
everybody. Back to you, Suzanne.
I didn't understand a word she
said.
But thank you Rosalisa.
Or should I say gracias?
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
Last night, a staged robbery was
caught
on tape behind a local
convenience store.
Interestingly, it turns out the
whole thing was staged by none
other than well-known local
racist and womanizer,
George Jordan.
Yes. They paid me to be in that
video.
George Jordan is a really
strange guy.
Oh, husbands, if you're sick of
your wives,
come on down to Sepulveda.
Ask for Tiff Nomorales.
I'll do pretty much anything.
Mostly clean.
Well, you've heard it here
straight from the horse's mouth.
I'm Clint Benardi. Back to you,
Suzanne.
Oh no.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
GEORGE:
You. I've seen you before.
What the fuck do you want from
me?
People like me...
What is this?
What does this mean?
[MUSIC ENDS]
This is the place.
Now what?
Now, we wait.
Well,
there he is.
Where the fuck is he going?
If I was a betting man, I would
say he's going bowling?
James, go the back door and uh,
see what's going on.
[MUSIC ENDS DRUM LINE]
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]...kind of
truthful, place within your gut.
Raise your hand higher.
Wonder--George.
George, we've been expecting
you. Welcome.
What is this?
This my friend George.
Brother George, King George,
is a safe place
We're like you, we are...
This is Virals Anonymous.
I-I believe you've already met
Wormsworth.
Wormsworth is the victim of
one of the oldest viral videos,
he...
[SLOW, FUNKY MUSIC]
He uttered a racial slur
in a wedding speech.
And sadly, in those days,
there were no support groups.
So in a fit of rage,
he took his own tongue.
Jesus Christ.
George, please take a seat.
Please.
Thank you..
Everyone, welcome George.
EVERYONE:
Hello, George.
George, everyone here is kinda
like you,
because the Internet
has destroyed
their lives in one way
or another.
Who wants to share their story
with George?
Yes. Bravery.
Bravery in the first degree.
Breathe.
Just keep breathing.
Hi, I'm Jenna.
Hi, Jenna.
[DRUMROLL]
How long you think
he's gonna be in there?
Long enough for us to smoke
this.
Dude.
BOBBY: Yessss
GARY: Who's got your back?
I've lost my career.
I've lost my friends.
I've lost my life.
Thank you for sharing, Jenna.
EVERYONE:
Thank you, Jenna.
Wonderful. Who else?
Who else is going to take the
journey?
The journey of truth? Yes.
Hi, I'm Karl.
EVERYONE:
Hi Karl.
[DRUM ROLL]
Hungry, are we?
Uh. Yes. Yes? Hungry. Yes.
I was looking for food
in the garbage to eat,
put in my mouth and eat.
MAN: You're in luck.
JAMES: Oh.
My wife just happened to pack me
an extra lunch.
I think it's a ham sandwich.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Would you like it?
You know, on second thought, I'm
actually, uh,
pretty full from all the garbage
that I had earlier,
so I'm just not going to eat
anything else, because
I'm just--Thank you, though.
I really, really appreciate--
Nonsense.
JAMES: It's in my system, and--
MAN: you look famished.
Yes, that's the look I was going
for.
So I'll take that as a
compliment.
Oh, look at that.
It's a ham sandwich, like you
said.
It's got lettuce and everything
on it.
It's a ham sandwich.
It's a ham sandwich, dude.
Dude, Norman Reedus is not in
Powder.
Dude, yes, Norman Reedus was
Powder. What?
What?
Norman Reedus is like,
he's like a gruff man.
Powder was Jim--Hold on.
CARL:
Carl Jr. goes to Virals
Anonymous for Kids.
So it's just--
[CRYING]
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Alright. Maybe it's. Maybe it's
enough for today.
Okay.
Okay.
That's the walk of a brave man.
EVERYONE:
Thank you, Carl.
Who else?
Who else wants to be brave like
Carl?
[DRUM ROLL]
[CHOKING SOUNDS]
Gary!
...search the movie Powder.
Yeah, look right there.
That's--
Are you just messing with me?
You see his dick in that movie,
too.
Hello.
[DRUMROLL]
[MUSIC ENDS]
My name is Tim and I--
Okay.
I'm sorry to cut you off, but
who are you?
Who are any of you?
And what are you doing here?
And why the hell does this guy
know where I live?
You're famous, George.
And Google.
I'm. I'm assuming that he
Googled you,
[GENTLE MUSIC]
but we're not your enemies,
George.
We're virals anonymous.
We're like you.
You're like us.
So join us.
Okay. This is getting so weird.
You're one of us.
One of us?
One of us.
Oh, fuck this.
Let him go.
He'll be back.
[DRUM LINE OVER DARK MUSIC]
Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.
No, what are you doing man, stop
it, stop it!
What are you dusting
him off for?
Oh, get him.
Oh, dude.
Oh, you saved my life.
You know who that was?
No, why?
That was the strangler.
Oh, thank you.
My names James, I'm a reporter
at Channel 12 news--
Oh, no, not you fucking guys
again.
Haven't you done enough?
What's this one going to
be about, huh?
Oh, no, no, dude, it's not like
that.
Don't--I don't give a shit.
You want a freak show? Go in
there.
[DRUMLINE]
What're you talk--wait, wait,
wait, man!
No! Fuck you.
Hey, wait a minute, wait man,
wait.
[MUSIC ENDS]
What's he talking about?
And then you look inside there.
What the fuck? Where were you
guys?
Hey!
What's up. You wanna hit this?
[DRUMROLL]
GEORGE: Jesus Christ, LADY.
OLD LADY: Get out! Get out!
What the hell? Where do you keep
coming from?
GEORGE: Will you leave me alone
already?
OLD LADY: Get out! Get out!
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
SUZANNE:
What is it?
ELLIOT:
I just can't do it. I-I can't do
it anymore, Suzanne.
SUZANNE:
Oh my god. That must be--
--that must be so hard for you
to understand
that I don't give a fuck about
your sleep cycle!
Now, Elliot, you have one job.
One job, and that is to bring me
content.
So get out there and do your
fucking job.
But, Suzanne,
Um, it's Miss Winters and
you don't
want to be on Miss Winters
bad side do you?
ELLIOT: No, Miss Winters.
SUZANNE: No...
and that's what I thought.
Now get the fuck out of my
office.
Yes, Miss Winters.
SUZANNE: Get out.
ELLIOT: Yeah.
Go! Jesus.
Sorry.
Oh, James, My guy.
James, my man.
What do you got for me?
I have for-for you, some footage
of George.
Ah!
JAMES: That I think you might
wanna see.
SUZANNE: Oh, my God. Do I? Ah!
What the fuck did I tell you
about touching my things?
Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry.
Shit. I'm sorry.
James, do you realize--
Do you realize what you've done?
Yes, I do. That, that is the
strangler.
That is his stupid face.
And his stupid ponytail.
Now we can put all this mindless
killing to an end.
We're going to get this guy.
We're going to get him.
SUZANNE: Yeah. Yesss.
JAMES: Yes!.
You know what? I have a great
idea, di-
SUZANNE: You did a really great
job.
JAMES: Thank you so much.
You're welcome. I think you
should go home tonight
and get a good night's rest.
SUZANNE: Maybe take a shower.
JAMES: I am going to shower all
this grime.
I'm gonna get in bed.
I'm just going to nap it out.
No, seriously.
Get the fuck out of here
because your smell is stinking
up the room again.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[MUSIC BECOMES SINGLE
SUSPENSEFUL NOTE]
This fucking lady again.
You got to be fucking kidding
me.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Let's see how you like it,
bitch.
[YELLING]
Wait, man, it's-it's me.
It's Brian.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Shit. Sorry, man.
I thought you were this crazy
old lady,
and she really wants me
out of the neighborhood.
So you thought I really was an
old lady
and you were about to beat me
with an apple?
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
What has become of you, George
Jordan?
This old lady's relentless.
Like I might call the cops.
Oh, I don't think you have to.
I think they're already on their
way.
Wait, why would the cops be
coming here?
Take it you haven't seen the
news yet?
No, I just woke up.
[NEWS INTRO ON TV]
What are you doing?
Why did you bring all that?
Dude.
I have a plan.
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
Ladies and gentlemen, the
footage
you are about to see
is extremely disturbing.
Our very own undercover
reporter, James McAuliff,
was about to reveal
the true identity
of the notorious
Van Nuys Vagrant Strangler
when none other than local
pariah George Jordan
had to intervene.
Fuck you.
Unfortunately, due to George's
actions, James was unable
to get a clear shot of the
Strangler's face,
leaving him still at large.
Are George Jordan
and the Strangler in cahoots?
Has George been helping him all
along?
These are the questions that
should be on everyone's mind.
I'm Suzanne Winters with Channel
12 News.
As a reminder for any tips that
lead to the direct arrest of
the Strangler, the reward is now
a whopping $75,000.
CREW MEMBER:
And we're off air
[DARK QUIRKY MUSIC]
Hey, Suzanne, I need to talk to
you.
Wait, Suzanne, I need to talk to
you. Hey!
Suzanne?
Yes!
Yes!
What was that?
Oh, that was a slam dunk, James.
That's what that was.
That's not what I gave you.
James.
James, What you gave me was
garbage, Okay?
But I squeezed that garbage into
coal, uh. Uh.
Then I squeezed that
call into a diamond. Ah.
Unh...yessss...fagh!
I'm sorry. What?
[GIBBERISH]...What, what, what,
what?
Like what the fuck are you still
doing in my office?
Get the fuck out of here.
'Cause Winters is a comin'.
That's right.
And it's gonna be a cold one.
[DARK QUIRKY MUSIC]
Yeah!
JAMES: You're fucking crazy. You
know what, fuck it.
SUZANNE: Yeah!
I'm out, I quit.
Ok, fine! Have it your way. Oh.
Oh, Hey, Security,
could you please escort
Mr. McAuliff out of my office?
He's having a hard time
understanding
his immediate resignation.
Thank you.
Suzanne.
Give me the footage.
I'm turning it into the police.
Oh, are you talking about,
you're talking about this?
JAMES: Yes.
SUZANNE: Oh, you want that?
Yeah, that's what I want. Can I
have that? Please?
SUZANNE: Here ya go.
JAMES: Sir. Sir. Get off me.
JAMES: Hey, listen, she's got
the footage
SUZANNE: I thought you wanted it
of the Strangler! Who's killing
people!
This is not right.
This is not right. Suzanne, I'll
have your ass! Oh, sir!
Make up your mind.
[MUSIC ENDS]
GARY:
But think about this. How many
movies have Vincent D'Onofrio
and a Velociraptor?
My two favorite things.
Oh, yeah.
Man came out here with an
animal, a pet cow.
It means the world to me.
I'd like to have him back for
good.
Yagh!
Uh-oh, get him some sugar.
And water!
Yeah. Okay.
Well, Suzanne says we're back
on George,
so back in the van,
A.S.A.P.
Shotgun.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Here, Miss Winters.
That collection of people
saying the N-word you wanted.
They use that hard R right?
Yep. All of them.
Good shit.
Good shit.
SUZANNE: How did you manage
that?
ELLIOT: Does it...
You know what? It doesn't really
matter.
I don't give a shit.
Just keep up the good work.
Do I have to?
Brring! Oh, my God.
I've got to take that.
Hello. How are you?
Oh, I'm good. Yeah, great.
Didn't even...ring.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
You're still standing here,
and I don't know why.
Great.
How are the kids, Dude?
Dude. Why is this taking so
long?
Look, you want it done fast or
you want it done right? C'mon.
[MUSIC ENDS]
[SIRENS APPROACHING, BRIAN
MUMBLING]
Dude stop. Do you hear that?
Oh shit!
[MUSIC RETURNS]
[GRUNTING, MUMBLING
LIKE OLD PEOPLE]
I'm so sorry dear laddie. Thank
you.
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
Shit.
I can't believe that worked.
What have I been trying to tell
ya, George?
My whole life is a
performance piece.
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[DRUM LINE]
[INCOHERENT DISTRESS]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Man, why people are so mean to
the elderly.
Shut up, Brian. They know who we
are.
What do you guys want? You wanna
kill us?
'Cause I'm totally fine with
that now.
No, no, I'm not.
JAMES: Okay, guys, guys, hey,
relax.
BRIAN:--not speaking for the
two of us.
We're not going to kill you.
Okay?
George, I want to apologize,
man.
I'm sorry for everything.
Wait a minute.
You're that homeless reporter
from the bowling alley?
Yes. Okay. Yeah, I'm.
But I'm not homeless. I'm a
reporter.
But yes, and I was also in
the alley
where you guys shot that
weird video.
There was guy in the alley!?
What I thought he was homeless,
dude!
C'mon, how am I supposed to know
he's some kinda secret agent.
Dude, I can't believe you.
How stupid can you be?
That's a pot calling the kettle
black.
Who are they?
Gary.
BOBBY: Bobby.
BRIAN: Brian!
Guys, can we focus on the task
at hand, please?
George, you wanna clear your
name right?
Right.
And you want to see Suzanne
Winters get hers, right?
GEORGE: Right.
GARY: Wait, what?
Well, so do I.
[PLOTTING MUSIC]
So what can I do?
Okay, look, man,
I'm going to need you to be
George Jordan, America's most
hated man one last time.
GARY:
Wha-wha-what is happening?
[MUSIC ENDS]
Miss Winters?
Um. Yes. Who are you?
Me? Oh, I'm John.
Yeah, I'm the new intern.
Oh, oh my God. I don't care.
What do you want?
Oh, it's that George Jordan guy.
He's out there and he's losing
it.
Wait. Where is he? He's outside
the studio.
He's outside the studio.
Good work, Tom.
JOHN: Oh, thanks! It's John,
though.
SUZANNE: Don't care.
Right, no You don't care.
I hate myself too.
[SUSPENSE MUSIC]
George!
Move your ass.
George! What are you doing,
George?
I'm doing what everyone is
telling me to do.
Okay? Don't be so melodramatic.
It's a ten foot drop.
Yeah, well, it's high enough for
me.
JAMES:
Shit.
Shit, shit, it's not in here,
where the fuck is it.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Hey, what are you doing?
Um, what are you doing?
Uh...
[MUSIC RETURNS]
Okay. Everyone knows you're not
going to jump.
I'll jump when I'm ready.
[MUSIC ENDS]
What's with the toilet paper?
Uh-oh, TP.
It was--
well, um...
I was going to take a shit on
that desk
as my official resignation.
You're gonna take a shit on the
desk?
Aren't you afraid of what
she might do
if she finds out it's you?
Nah, man. I got so much dirt on
that bitch.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
ELLIOT:
I'm untouchable.
What dirt?
Well...let's just say I keep the
cameras rolling.
You got, you got.
You got foot--I need--I'm
going to
need that footage
Elliot, please.
Can I have that footage, please,
Elliot?
I'm asking you very nicely.
Can I have that footage?
I need it.
That footage is my insurance
policy.
I'm going to hand it to you?
How do I know that
you're not working for Suzanne?
You think I work for Suza--you
think...c'mon man! i don't--
Okay, how can I prove it to you?
You first.
I hope you got a big one in the
chamber.
'Cause I sure do.
SUZANNE:
Okay. Okay. That's it.
I'm coming up.
Oh, shit.
I didn't see that coming.
George, you never cease to amaze
me.
I mean, come on, George
George Jordan, can you tell us
why you're up here on
this ledge?
Has the guilt of your own sins
finally caught up to you?
Is this your apology to the
world?
Oh, um.
ELLIOT [ON TV]:
Here Miss Winters, that
collection of
people saying the
N-word you wanted.
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
They use the hard R right?
ELLIOT [ON TV]:
Yes, all of them.
Good shit. Good shit.
I don't give a fuck about your
sleep cycle.
[WHILE TV CONTINUES]
No, no, no!
Well, well, well.
Miss Winters, how does it feel--
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck me.
SUZANNE:
Yoo-hoo! Wait a sec.
No, no, no, wait, wait, No.
This isn't what you think! You
guys know me!
This thing is clearly doctored.
That's not even real.
Come on.
I'm Suzanne Winters!
SUZANNE [ON TV]:
I am Suzanne
mother-fucking Winters
and fuck children,
and fuck my neighbors
and fuck puppies and fuck
kittens and fuck you Elliot!
Shut the fuck up, Elliot.
YOU!
Oh, my God.
Why isn't anyone doing
anything!?
Okay, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Okay, hold on.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
JAMES:
Suzanne Winters is awaiting
trial for withholding
evidence of the Van Nuys Vagrant
Strangler's Identity.
On top of numerous accounts
of slander and assault,
Miss Winters may be facing
anywhere
from 5 to 10 years
in prison.
In related news, the reward has
been claimed
for the apprehension of the
Van Nuys
Vagrant Strangler by none other
than local hero George Jordan.
After this commercial break,
we're going to check in with
George, just to see how
he spent that reward money.
All right, man. We're live in
five here.
Man, this is so crazy.
You know, yesterday I was just
an unpaid intern,
living in my mom's basement.
Now, I'm a full blown news man
living in my mom's basement
just 'til I get on my
feet, though.
JOHN: Times are tough. Yeah.
GARY: I know. It's a crazy town.
All right, mic check,
check one, check two, check one,
check two.
Check one, check two.
Come on, let's get this over
with.
Alright.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]
What, you gotta potty? You gotta
piss?
Okay, then, go. Go potty. Go
piss.
I'm not a fan of this color just
'cause
I feel like it's super
depressing, and I just, I want
people to come in and feel good
about themselves.
WOMAN: Yeah, colorful!
KIM: Y'know?
And that's what also makes me a
little bit nervous
about adding all these little
guys right here.
It just looks like a really big
bush.
You got this, buddy.
Yeah, they're here to see you.
You're on top.
You're George Jordan.
[MUSIC ENDS]
George Jordan.
Woah little lady.
I think you're a little mixed up
here.
This is the boys room.
KID: No, but--
GEORGE: Yeah, you don't want to
go in there.
There's all kinds of gross
things. Here.
Little girls rooms right here.
See?
Have fun.
Hello!
George, my man. How you doing?
GEORGE: Good
JOHN: How's business?
Pizza, flowers, weird mix.
Yeah.
Okay, we're uh, we're live in
five, four, three
Right now?
Oh, thanks, Jimmy.
I'm here with George Jordan,
local celebrity and
business owner.
George.
How in God's earth
did you come up with this idea?
Hey, John. Well, after
everything that happened
and getting all that money,
I didn't know what to do
with myself.
I thought about running away.
I even thought about donating
all of it.
And then it came to me.
How can George Jordan
contribute to his community?
And that's when I thought of
delicious pizza and flowers.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
Speaking of flowers, my
beautiful girlfriend
Kim can explain everything, as
she's the master--
Hey, asshole. Did you tell my
transgender child
they can't use the bathroom?
N-n-n-no, no, no.
I showed your little girl
where the girl's room--
Agh! He identifies as a man.
You privileged piece of shit.
Young child,
Did Mr. Jordan do something to
you?
He touched me and said I had to
go to the little girl's room.
He touched you.
KID'S MOM:
You touched him.
KID'S MOM: You touched him?
GRANDPA: No, no, no...
I will kick your ass from here
to Kansas, you piece of crap.
Mr. Jordan, is this true?
Are you transphobic, or do you
have some sort of specific
vendetta against this beautiful,
gender-bending creature of God?
No.
Fuck me. Right?
OLD LADY:
Fuck you.
Oh!
[MAIN MUSICAL THEME]
[SILLY MUSIC THROUGH END OF
CREDITS]