For Love or Money (2018) - full transcript

[rock music intro]

[sounds of football
being kicked around]

[thunder clap]

[background conversation]

[girls giggle in background]

[Mark] If I'm being honest, even now I
come across like a lobotomized hamster

when it comes
to approaching women

and at the age of 12 having just
blossomed into an idiot, I knew even less.

- What are you doing?
- Uh hi, Connie. I wrote this for you.

Every day you're on my mind,
I love the way you laugh.

I promise to always
treat you kind,



like you're my better half.

I'll keep you close to my heart

you will always be
and hope we're never apart,

forever you and me.

What do you think?

[rock music]

[laughter]

Ugh!

[boys laugh]

[religious choral singing]

[priest] People who walk in darkness,
will see a great light. Amen.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.

Jesus said to them: "I am the
bread of life, whoever comes to me



will never be hungry, and whoever
believes in me will never be thirsty."

Blah, blah, blah.

[Mark] That kid that was beating
on me all those years ago,

this is his funeral.

His epitaph would have read

Here lies Tommy. He was
an asshole, calm as a bitch,

but my anonymous
suggestion was ignored.

Anyway, ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,

et cetera, et cetera.

Mazel tov, amen.

Obviously he never said that
because none of this is true.

Did you enjoy that? Yeah?

- This is my girlfriend, Daniela.
- [Daniella] Hi.

[Kendra] Nice to meet
you, Daniela.

Have a nice time
I'll be back in a minute.

[Daniella] Sure.

Hello, granddad.

Johnny.

Surprised to see you here.

- Well, I couldn't believe he was dead.
- Hmm.

I had to make sure.

- Hi.
- Tim.

- Daniela, nice to meet you.
- How you doing there, how you doing.

- How have you been, Johnny?
- Yeah,

damn good, mate. Absolutely
fucking, spot on, actually.

Working as a legal consultant

tearing the ass out of my
gorgeous girlfriend over there,

life couldn't be
fucking sweeter.

- Did you come with anyone?
- Yes, do you see that chinless twat over there?

- Who's the oaf?
- That's my flatmate.

You brought your
flatmate to a funeral?

To be honest, he just kind of
goes wherever there's free food.

Why don't you go
and talk to her?

Of course,
she won't remember you.

Ah, having said that I only recognized
you when you started crying.

Oh, I didn't, I didn't--

I've got some vouchers
from my nan,

that's it.
I mean, not enough to go.

- [Mark] Tim. Tim!
- But you have credit cards.

- One second.
- Someone I want you to meet.

Keep saving.

Hello, Tim.

How are you doing.
So, here's the skinny.

So, the self-obsessed
duckface over there,

was the soon
to be widow fat bloke.

Apparently,
he was fucking loaded.

Good looking girl over there,
she's engaged to the Ken Doll,

and the hotty, right,
she's an escort.

- She's here with some chinless prat, right.
- No.

- Yes.
- I just can't work out which one.

- Tim.
- No, no, no.

Thank you.

Ah, so girlfriend, eh?

I didn't want to come standing.

Oh, so you thought
you'd come with a hooker

to avoid embarrassment.

She's an escort,
there's a difference.

Okay, I'm going to leave you two
to get better acquainted.

[woman] That was
a lovely service, Father.

Breaks my heart in two
having lost him,

but at least I know he's
at peace up there in heaven.

Oh sure, he's probably skipping
along with Father Christmas

and the Easter Bunny right now.

Connie, hi.

I just heard that you
and uh, Tommy were together

I just wanted to, you know,
offer my condolences.

Thanks.

Such a pointless,
senseless waste.

Tommy dying?

Yah, that too.

Um, took me by surprise,
to be honest,

didn't realize
that he was your type.

Right,
[chuckles] and who are you?

Mark, we went to school
together for eight years.

I don't remember
Tommy mentioning you,

but thank you
so much for coming.

Hey, if you, uh,
if you ever want to catch up,

if you need a shoulder
to cry on.

You know, I'm, I'm always here
if you need me.

Sorry, Martin,
I don't know who you are...

I'm Mark.

...but are you seriously
making moves on me

at my boyfriend's funeral?

That's not what I was--
I was just saying that if you--

Uh, I'm going to leave.
He-- Here's my card.

I'm Mark, Mark Walwyn.

- Um, just give me a call anytime you need a--
- No.

I'm gonna-- It's not
a proposition, I'm-- Tim!

Nice to meet you, chinless.

[music]

Hmph...

My deepest condolences.

Just remember that
Tony's in a better place now.

- Who is Tony?
- Whatever.

[music]

Fucking hell.

Now, Mark, can I borrow £ 100,

'cause that escort doesn't take a
fiver, I can tell you that.

Tommy would be rolling in his grave,
if he knew Mark had turned up.

- Mark who?
- The wanker you were just talking to.

- Oh.
- Oh you remember,

he was the one that sent you
that pathetic poem.

I mean-- Tommy ended up beating
him up for the next six years.

- Oh my god, that was him?
- Huh-huh, yeah.

- Why was he here?
- Well, I don't know, Connie.

What's that?

His card.

- You're kidding me.
- What?

My client,
they're trying to buy this.

It's a-- it's a startup company.

- So?
- They're trying to buy it for 20 million!

Really?

[music]

[theme music]

[background chatter]

[Mark] Thank you so much.

- Thank you. Chin-chin.
- Cheers.

Dead people.

To funerals.

Ahh.

On a scale of 1-10,

how successful
was your little meeting earlier?

About a three.
She didn't even remember me.

Aw, well yeah,
you are very forgettable.

How the hell does someone
like Mark make 20 million?

- By being a boring sad fucking nerd.
- [sighs]

He's gonna waste it
on computers and porn.

Do something about it then.

What's so great about her?

It's hard to qualify really.

She just-- She was always so interesting,
you know, just always made me laugh.

Well, it's not exactly
the greatest stretch

of the imagination to presume
in certain circumstances,

a gold-digger such as yourself

could relieve a moron,
such as Mark,

of half his money.

- You mean--
- Uhuh...

Marry him.

Ugh, I don't want to marry
someone I'm not in love with.

Of course, of course, of course.
I know you're not in love with him,

but let's say hypothetically

you could love 10 million,
couldn't you? [kissing]

Hypothetically...

I could love 10 million.

Exactly, that's what I thought.
Mm.

Johnny?

Yes, sugar-tits.

Get your hands off me.

Right.

Well, it could be worse, yeah?

You could be like him,
with a gold-digger on your arm.

Sorry.
He doesn't look too unhappy.

Hey, mate, are you happy?

Yes.

Ignorance is bliss, innit?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who's
only with me for my money, would you?

No, I wouldn't want
to be alone either.

That would justify it?

If he's happy,
why does he have to justify it?

Ah, Mate.

Fuck off, you deserve that.

Go on, the door's that way.
Off you go.

[music]

Hi, is that Mark?

[Mark] Yes, hi.

Would you be,
free to meet up at all?

Yeah, I'll meet up.
That sounds great.

Good, thank you.

They'll see you now,
just go to the fourth floor.

Thank you.

[upbeat music]

Amazing! Okay, great,
then I'll see you on Tuesday.

[music]

[knocking on the window]

Fuck off.

Because time dilation right close
to a black hole is a maximum of 50%.

So, that doesn't make any sense that
they would be there for 30 years,

whilst they're
down there 40 minutes.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, why?

- Your eye's twitching a lot.
- Is it?

You're not having a stroke,
are you? [sarcastic chuckle]

No, it's probably just pink eye.

I don't have pink eye.
I don't have any STDs, I don't--

Hi.

Yes, great, thank you.

That, I'm just surprised
that you called me.

Really, why?

Because I could hear myself

and I sound stupid
and I'm clearly floundering.

Just, just, just relax,
just be yourself.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Thanks.

Uh.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Good, glad you approve.

I do.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

See the point is that uh,

well, we haven't spoken
for 12 years,

and, um, I mean there must be
a reason why

because y--, y--,
you know I liked you.

Mark, you're a nice guy.

Oh no, not-- don't call me
a nice guy.

Not the whole,
it's not you, it's me thing.

No, it's not me, it is you.

What?

Mark, I really liked you.

I never wanted you to be the kind of guy
that let life slip through their fingers.

If Tommy's passing taught me
anything, it's that

life's short.

If there's something you want,

you've gotta take it.

What are you doing?

What do you think?

I mean, if I'm misreading things

that's very embarrassing for me.

I think that ship's sailed.

Has it?

Apéritif--

- Just kiss me, Mark.
- Yes!

- [glass clangs]
- [Mark] Oh.

I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Excuse me, thank you. Hey.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Just a little drop, ahh.

[sniffs] You're fine.

So the reason I--
I did the second glass of wine,

uh, was because,

didn't want it to stain,
hence the white wine.

Uh, I realize
you're not a carpet.

No.

So--

I fucked that one up, didn't I?

At least it wasn't
flaming Sambucas!

Mark.

[uplifting romantic music]

Yes.

[romantic uplifting song]

Connie, you once told me that if
there's something in life that you want,

you have to take it, and I'm uh,

uh... I'm crazy about you

and uh, tonight I'm
hoping that one little word--

[snaps the box closed] Yes.

But I uh, I wrote this whole uh,

this um--

Ugh, Mark, you're so sweet.
Come here.

Thank you.

That's how I always pictured it.

Me too.

[Mark] Tim, we've been friends
now for-- I don't know.

But in that time, we've always been
there for each other, haven't we?

Friends is a very strong word,
but, yes, flatmates,

we've always been very
supportive of each other.

So, on my special day,

when I have the love of my life
on one side,

nothing would make me prouder than to
have my best um, flatmate on the other.

I suppose it makes sense.

So, the question
I want to ask you, Timmy...

Tim, is-- will you do me
the honor of being my best man?

Yeah, all right,
just give me my hand back.

Give me a hug, you big tit.

Aw, that was easy.

Well, in my capacity as best man

I'm going to ask you
to reconsider marrying her.

- What?
- Now--

I'd like to draw your attention to
some information I've had compiled.

[chuckles] What is this?

She's a bit of a shit.

You can't call her
a bit of a shit, Tim.

She's my fiancé.

Well, I'm duty bound

to make you fully aware that
you're about to marry a shit.

She's not a shit, she's awesome.

Is she though? I mean, look at the
evidence it's there in black and white.

Look, you just don't know her
the way I do,

okay, she's wonderful.

She's made me happier
than I've ever been, okay?

Been very inconvenient for me,
booted out of the flat.

Well, I was being
cruel to be kind.

You should
spread your wings a little

you couldn't sleep on my couch
for the rest of your life.

Cruel to be kind.
You're just being a twat to be selfish.

The only reason you wanted me
out of the flat,

was so you could strut around
naked, balls flapping around,

and have sex in the lounge.

Yes, I was, I did, and I have.

What was it like?

Great.

Lucky.

Yeah.

What do you think, Ducky?

Ducky, is that a chicken leg?

Chicken leg. Chicken leg.
It's a chicken leg, it's a chicken leg.

[Ducky growls]

- Chicken leg.
- Aw, Ha, oh god.

What a brute.

What a brute!

[music]

Here you go.

Thanks.

That's expensive wine.

Thank you.

So, I was thinking,

what if we got married
in six weeks?

- Sure.
- Really?

Get married before, if you want.

Whatever, if you can
find a church that's free.

Okay.

You put any thought into who you
want to be your maid of honor?

Yes, my sister.

Oh, [inhales]
could she go on holy ground?

Nothing funny about
a pigmentation problem, Mark.

She's not a vampire!

Okay. [chuckles]

I just thought it'd be Kendra,
I like her, she's great.

Well, maybe
you should marry her instead.

No, I just thought
she'd be your first--

Oh, Jesus Christ, Mark!

Will you stop
talking about the wedding.

Shut up!

[soft music]

Oh, uh, hi.

I'm sorry, baby.

Mm.

I'm just adjusting.
It's all very new for me.

Don't be mad at me.

Well I'm-- you know,
I'm not entirely sure

you should be... unpunished.

I'm ready for anything.

Whatever you want to give me.

Okay.

[phone ringing]

No, no don't--

Hello, oh hi!
No, I hadn't heard about that.

Tell me, tell me!

[exhales] Blue balls.

Don't look at me!

[pidgeon cooing]

[message tone]

[chilled electro music]

[tapping on phone sound]

[phone vibrates]

[guitar power chord
joins in the music]

- [message ping]
- [Johnny] Sugar tits,

not too much longer
then the money is ours.

Just think of me
if you have to shag him

[Connie] This is driving me
crazy pretending to be in love.

How stupid does he think I am?

Assuming I don't know anything
about his deal?

- [Message ping Johnny] -Just
want Mark to sign the papers.

It's a done deal, I reckon.

Once you marry, you'll be able to
get at least half, if not more.

Especially if you can prove that
he's been a lousy husband, and shag.

Laughing, smiley face,
aubergine, water spray.

[dramatic classical music]

That's gross.

[dramatic classical music]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Put your glad rags on,
we're going out for dinner.

Ugh, you're always doing this.

I'm tired, in my pajamas,
I'm not going out.

Okay, I just got some good news
I wanted us to celebrate.

What, someone's upgraded you to
the idiot in the village?

- What?
- Nothing, sweetheart. What's your news?

Well, looks like
I've come into some money.

What?

Amazing, how much?

20.

20 million, fuck! [chuckles]

No! [chuckles]

20 grand!

My uncle died. It's brilliant.

Oh, congrats.

Yeah. 20 million!
[sarcastic chuckle]

No, no, ha!

[sarcastic chuckle]
What a random number.

I don't know. I don-- uh?

That's so strange
that you would just pick

20 million out of anywhere.

What? I don't know,
I was going to--

And then you said and um,
I got carried away and--

- But that's still so weird.
- So weird.

It just goes
straight from err to that.

- [Mark sarcastically chuckles]
- Honey--

Listen, what I've decided is,

I'm going to spend it all
on the wedding.

Because you, my love,

you deserve the best.

So sweet.

- 20 million! [chuckles] Idiot.
- [chuckles]

Did you reserve the table?

No, but I think
we'll be all right.

Is there a good reason
we didn't get a cab?

Well, yeah, I thought you'd
appreciate the exercise.

Those jeans were a bit tight.

Yeah, I hope you'll like it.

Uh, it's one of my favorite
places in town.

I'm sure, but--

You all right?

Can I get two large donnas,

extra chili,
extra garlic, please?

And uh, do you want--
d'you want a coke?

Hey, two cokes.

You're kidding?

There you go.

That'll be £9.50.

Okay, hold on.

Bollocks,
I've left my wallet at home.

Can you lend me a tenner?

Seriously?

Don't embarrass me
in front of kebab man.

She's got it, it's all right.

Oh, 20! Keep the change.

Ah, you're right,
I should have booked.

Look, it's full up.

This is a really good
kebab shop.

Do you seriously expect me
to sit here,

and eat this on the street
like a cockroach?

A cockroach?
That's a bit much, isn't it?

Look at this. Thank you.

I have been
looking forward to this all day.

Extra garlicky.

Oh!

Uh, it's all right.

What's wrong,
you don't like kebabs?

Wearing them, no!

Eating them-- Yes!

We should do this again
sometime. This is fun.

- I would like to go home.
- Yeah, okay.

Oh, but I haven't thanked you
for this, come here.

Such a lucky man.

I know. [chuckles]

[Mark] Come on,
it's gonna get cold.

Morning.

Morning.

[Mark] Ahh.

[radio playing music]

Morning, eat that. [laughs]

We meant to be
doing something today?

Uh, yeah,
getting my wedding dress.

Uhuh!

Aw, I don't want to do that,

that doesn't sound like
any fun to me.

Baby, it's not
about you having fun,

it's about you being there
to support me.

- Uhuh.
- And pay for the dress.

Of course, sweetheart,
I have you covered.

What's that? Half a shoe?

[whispers]
Are trying to be funny again?

Nope.

Baby, please don't make me
regret saying yes.

I don't do cheap.

Well, if you're having second
thoughts about the wedding?

Of course, not. [laughs]

It's our special day
and as your princess

I'm going to make sure
I look like one.

So, that means
the cheapest dress

probably isn't the nicest.

Yes, but superstition.

Super special.

Super special, okay.

Is that my coffee?

Oh, d'you want one?

It's empty.

Last one, sorry.
It was nice though.

[Mark] Why don't you want
Kendra at the wedding?

[Connie] We don't talk anymore.

You fall out?

Can we stop
talking about Kendra.

What do you think?

- Yeah. I like it. [laughs]
- [laughs] Yeah.

Just... [laughs]

It reminds me of that, but like
in a good way, obviously.

I'll try another one on.

You sure? I like it.

Yeah.

[phone ringing].

Tim, oh thank god,
I'm so fucking bored.

No, I'm not doing
anything important.

[pop music playing]

- Slutty.
- No!

[pop song playing]

[laughs]

Do you approve of this one?

I mean, yeah, they're all fine.

You've had a shitty comment
for every dress I've tried on.

I like this one,
so I'm just waiting

for the possible fault
you're going to find with it.

Look, if I have to find a fault,

I mean, if you're going to
put a gun against my head,

makes you look like a man.

A man?

No, sorry. Not a man,
like a drag queen,

but like a really bang-able one.

Well, feel free to find a dress

that doesn't
make me look like RuPaul

or a pregnant whale,
or a French prostitute.

Because I would like
to find a dress

that doesn't make you laugh

or make me feel
like a circus act.

I mean, there must be one, so--

Which one?

That one.

[Mark] That one,
that one, that one.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Next, next, next, next--

Ah, ah, ah, don't skip it.

Ah, ah, one back.

That's the bunny.

Thi-- This one?

Yes.

Sir, this one's actually
a child's bridesmaids dress.

It's a joke,
it's a bridesmaid's dress.

Well, they'll let it out.

It's green.

Who wants to be
like all the other brides?

You'll stand out.

You'll be-- you'll be my
pea green princess.

Well, you gonna
be my pea green groom?

- No. [chuckles]
- No!

I'm not stupid. [laughs]

Go ahead, try it on.

Oh yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, that.

No, it doesn't even fit me.
It's a children's dress, for children.

Here standeth before me

an angel in green. An angel.

[sighs]

Oh my god, it's beautiful.

It's so green, I love it.

That's the dress. That's it.

I want to marry you
in that dress.

Ladies, thank you very much.
We'll wrap it up, we'll take it.

There you go, gentlemen.

This is so much harder
than I thought it would be.

What, being a dick?

Hmm, it's harder than you think.

Well, why don't you
just call it quits?

My rent's due in a week.
I can move straight back in.

Let's go home now and start
throwin' her stuff out.

I am not throwing
in the towel, Timmy.

I have to believe even if it's
microscopic in size,

that she has some dignity left.

She's got to be about to crack.

Isn't that,
that twat from the funeral?

Yeah, let's
talk about this later.

Hello, gorgeous.

Johnny, Tim. Tim, Johnny.

Yeah, we met at the funeral,
remember? Uh, chinless.

Lovely to see
you again, Timothy.

Whatever.

[phone ringing]

Uh, sugar tits, can I get a pint
for my guys over here.

He's fucking JS.

He's the bloke who's been
talking to Connie.

Well, you're gonna definitely
have to raise your game

if you want to be as
obnoxious as this prick.

Listen, do you know
who you're talking to?

Do you know who you're talking to?
Johnathan Sothcott.

Do you know
who I'm fucking talking to?

It's the dickless fuckface,
that fucking isn't having you.

Now go fuck yourself.

Ugh, fucking charities.

Mate, if I wanted head,
I'd have asked for a fucking blowjob.

You, pint, sort it out.

- Sorry, I do apologize, sir.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Johnny laughs]

- Wonderful.
- [bartender] Aye.

Just stop.

Thanks. Hey.

Kendra, hi, hi.

- Oh god.
- Uh--

Avoided an awkward
situation there, didn't we?

Did we?

Maybe that can be our thing.

Listen, whatever Connie wants
you to say to me

- I don't know why she didn't just--
- No, she didn't.

Connie didn't send me
to say anything.

No, this is for me.

Okay, what do you want?

- Grab a coffee?
- Yes, sorry, Mark. Thanks.

And so yeah,
for whatever reason,

she and Johnny
think I'm about to become rich,

and so they're just-- Thank you.

- That's fine.
- They're just using me.

Classic Connie.

Yeah, that's my sad sorry tale.

Why did you two fall out?

Once upon a time, I was engaged

and she slept with my fiancé.

Oh.

No happy ending then.

I caught them
at Tommy's funeral.

He was consoling her in
a back room, my back room.

I mean anal. My maid of honor!

How her clichéd is that?

Anal.

Maybe I should take a leaf
out of your book

and get revenge on him.

Well, I have a list of things
I was planning to do.

- Uhuh.
- Happy to share.

- Great.
- Fucking anal.

Uh, you could create
a fake email

and send his boss dick pics.

You drop eye drops in his drink,
you could fake a pregnancy.

Oh my god,
do you know what I could do?

What?

A letter arrived
from the Modern School of Art

inviting him to apply.

It's his dream opportunity,

it's all he's ever talked about.

He doesn't know
the letter's arrived.

Rip it up.

It's a bit of a shit thing to
do, though, isn't it?

Aw, cheating on you with
your best friend isn't?

- Fuck him.
- Fuck him.

How far
are you going to take this?

[sighs] Take it
as far as it needs to go.

It's weird though,
she strangely thick skinned.

She seems to be
taking it all in a stride.

- Bitchy.
- You know what it is?

I think I'm too charming.

I just seem to fail
to repel her.

No? No, okay, it's not that.

She hates someone
being center of attention.

Will you help me with something?

What little something?

Are you free tonight?

What makes you think
I need to go on a blind date?

Because you sit around
your flat wearing nothing

but your pants
watching porn all day.

Uh, not true, actually.
I'm on my PlayStation.

Sorry, I didn't realize you were

such a social butterfly.

Are you wearing any trousers?

Yes, I'll give you that one.

Ducky, want to go on a date?
[speaking Ducky] Yeah.

I think it's great
that he finally has a date.

Yes, are you sure
they're going to let Tim in?

Uh, come on, Connie,
can you just not be mean.

We're meant to make him look
good in front of his girlfriend.

Yeah, I'm assuming
she's blind or needs a visa.

And here they are!
Hi. Hey, come in.

[both sides gasp]

Oh my god.

Mark, Connie, meet Kendra.

Wow!

Connie, look, it's Kendra.

Yes, I can see.

Mark, Kendra,
do you know each other?

Yes, we do, Tim.
We all went to school together.

What a small world.

- Connie.
- Kendra, how are you?

Yeah, good, thanks, Con.

Hey, congratulations
on your engagement.

He's quite the steal.
Oh, calamari.

So, how did you two meet?

In--

- I don't mean to pry. [chuckles]
- Yes. [sarcastic laugh]

I have to say, Kendra that dress
looks marvelous on you.

Well, thanks, that's so sweet.

No, not at all.
Tim, you are a lucky man.

What? Since when did you
become a fashion expert?

You've never complimented me
on anything I've ever worn.

Or maybe if you went shopping
with Kendra, I would.

[Kendra] I'd love
to take you shopping.

I'm sure we could sort that out.

Oh my god,
speaking of embarrassing things,

do you remember history lessons,

or awkward bonus sessions as
you used to call them?

God, yes, how could I forget?

It was like clockwork. Never
knew I liked history so much.

He had to sit at
the back of the class.

Yes, I was always afraid.

They make me go to the front

and then I'd tip the table over

on my way up! [laughter]

You're telling me,
we had to put a block

on the History Channel.

[laughter]

Tim, you're hilarious.

Kendra, and do you remember
the time when Mr. Thomas

passed out outside
the dining hall? [laughs]

He had a very
serious condition, Connie.

A bit awkward.

- What was it he had?
- Narcolepsy.

Um, didn't he end up
getting buried alive.

[laughter]

[Mark] That was a good one!

It wasn't funny.

Friends, ahh, narcolepsy.

None of you is funny.

I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love, and she loves me back.

Tim, you get paid to say that.

She probably said
you were the best she ever had

and that Tiny Tim was huge.

Ha, ha, you can joke
all you want, Mark

it doesn't matter,
because I'm in love.

I'm in love with Kendra.

With Kendra?

Yes, a million times, yes!

Mate, why don't you sit down

because I think maybe you've missed
the entire point of last night.

All right.

[mandolin music]

Ooo, I better get this.

- Here you go, sugar tits.
- Thank you.

Ahh, right.

Could you please
put some clothes on?

Could you please take some off?

Oh god, it was so awkward.

What the fuck
was she doing there?

And to add salt to the wound,

I had to sit there
fake smiling as usual. Ugh.

I've got lockjaw
on a daily basis now, ugh.

What, from giving him
loads of blowjobs?

No. Oh god,

if I fake any more, I'm going to
get a brain hemorrhage.

[yawning and mumbling]

I'm sorry, am I--
Am I boring you?

Ugh, ah.

I'm good, sugar tits.

What you're
doing is great, right?

I'm really proud of how far you've come.
Just [inhales] breathe.

- Uhuh.
- It's all in the fucking mind now,

yeah?
You've got to stay focused.

Uhuh.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Think of what we
can do with it, yes?

Yes, I can buy therapy.

Great chat.

Ugh.

- You used me.
- I thought you knew what we were doing.

- How could you do that to me?
- Because, Tim,

- I thought you knew what we were doing.
- Why?

Because I don't have feelings?
Because I don't have needs?

- Oh, for god's sake.
- Oh, good old Tim, we'll use him.

All he does is sit around
and watch porn all day.

An' uh, he won't mind.

He's probably spanking
one out right now as we speak.

- Were you?
- Yes.

- Well.
- That's beside the point.

You assumed that I was
too insensitive to care.

Prick me, Mark. Do I not bleed?

Tim, I remember telling you
the actual words

that it was a fake date.

Congratulations, Mark
because I do care. I do bleed.

Tim.

[door slams]

[door opens]

- Tim?
- Yes.

Do you want
to go on a quick holiday?

Yes, all right.

[classical music]

[Connie screaming]

- Oh, hell.
- Honestly, you barely notice it.

Are you blind
or are you just a fucking moron?

I like it. I think it suits you.

You're a moron.

I'm not the one who put hair
removal cream in my shampoo, am I?

What the hell
was hair removal cream

doing in there
in the first place?

I'm sorry, but do you want
me to have a hairy back?

[crying]

Look, the uh, car's

going to be here
in less than an hour,

do you think maybe
you'll have sobbed out

all your boohooing by then?

[Connie crying]

No? Okay.
Then maybe you have a big hat?

No, I do not have a big hat

and if you think I'm going to
go out in public

looking like this--

Okay, well, then I'll uh,

I'll cancel the car
and the holiday then.

Thank you.

I'll, uh, call the church
and postpone the wedding too.

What?

Well, if you can't
go out in public

I assume you have to wait
till your hair grows back

to get married.

So-- think of the photos.

No, it's fine.

Is it? Are you sure, slappy?

[chuckles] It's not bad actually
like, you said, quite good.

Look at all the things
that I can do,

that I couldn't do
when I had too much hair.

- Great, so all good for the holiday then?
- Yup.

Cool. I think I have
something that might help.

Come on. In case
you were wondering

I wore it for a fancy
dress contest. I was Cher.

You know I wasn't wondering.

I wore it a bit better than you,
that's probably why I came second.

Excellent, there they are.

Surprise, road trip.

Oh my fucking god,
this is your surprise?

- Who doesn't love a road trip?
- Me.

- Come on.
- I don't.

Let me help you with that bag.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Thank you, pal. Hello, love.

- Hi, babe.
- Hi.

Nice to see you. Your hair.

- Yes, my hair.
- Look at you.

- Yup.
- Ready?

- [dog barks]
- What the-- What is that?

Oh, say hello to Ducky.

I hate dogs.

Trust me, it'll be fun.
Come on, get the door.

There you go.

Thanks.

Excuse me.
Timmy, all right, pal.

So, No, no, no, no, please.
Hello, Ducky.

- Hello, Ducky.
- There you go.

[car door closes]

Come on, hurry up.

Come on, let's go.

[electro piano music]

[car horn beeps]

She is so slow. Waiting all day
for you, come on.

Tim. Tim, could you please tell your
stupid dog to stop breathing all over me?

- I'm going to be sick.
- Ducky, stop breathing

on your auntie Connie.
There's a good dog.

Tim, this is a lovely car. It's
much nicer than I was expecting.

- How did you afford this?
- Ah, you know.

No, I don't, that's why I'm asking.
How did you afford it?

Popped it on the old credit
card, no need to thank me.

[chuckles]
Yeah. Stop going on about it.

You don't have
a credit card, Tim.

Where is the lease agreement?

You put it on
my fucking credit card.

Like I said,
no need to thank me, all yours.

- You've hired it for a fucking month?
- Yeah.

- Just-- Fuck me!
- Shit.

Fuck me. God, sorry.

Motherfucker.

- Are you all right?
- That's going to stain.

- You think? Fucking joke.
- What is?

Everything. Everything
you have done is a joke.

All right, keep your hair on.

What is it? Do you just wake up
every morning,

and think of all the things
you could do to annoy me?

I'm struggling to fathom

how someone can operate
on such a moronic level.

Really?
I thought I completed you.

Let's not mistake
a fire for a fireman.

Oh, interesting distinction

let's see where she goes
with this.

Okay, uh, where to begin?

You have the social grace
of a syphilitic gorilla

- and I can't go anywhere without you humiliating me.
- That's not true.

Okay, what about
the concert we went to,

where you sung along?

It's a concert.

We were at the opera.

Well, excuse me, your majesty!

Okay, and then the time

I took you
to my favorite restaurant

and you complained
the food was undercooked?

I like my steak well done.

It was steak tartare,

it's supposed to be raw,
you fucking moron.

If I'm such an unbearable
monster to be around

why don't you just
call the whole thing off?

[music]

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with H.

No, you don't.

- Hedge.
- No.

- Haircut.
- No. Hitchhiker.

Ooo, yeah.

- No, no, don't. No.
- Yes, we're going to do it.

- Cool car, guys.
- Thank you.

Cool dog, cool dog.

Fucked him? No?
That's a cute dog, man.

You farted? No?

Fuck off.

Fair enough.
Anybody fancy a threesome?

There's five of us.

Yes, well, two can watch,
one can film! [screams]

[guitar acoustic]

I'm just gonna change my top.

Were we supposed to be
leaving Connie behind?

Fuck.

Fuck, I wouldn't
even do this on purpose.

Oh god, look,
she looks so happy.

[Mark] I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry, Connie,
can you just--

Can you say something?

Call me stupid or useless?

Something?

[crow cawing]

[Connie] What do you mean
we're sleeping in a tent?

We're sleeping in a tent.

[Kendra] Come on,
it will be fun.

[Connie] Oh god, why are you
pretending to enjoy all this?

[Kendra] Could ask you
the same question.

What do you mean by that?

You clearly don't love Mark.

- Huh, of course I do.
- Really?

Well, then name something
you even like about him

because you clearly
don't struggle

to list the things he does

that piss you off.

I knew this would happen.

Yup, you still blame me.

Of course not.
You were such a good friend.

It's not my fault
you conning on to a boyfriend.

Fiancé, and yes it is,
if you're the one who fucks him.

[Tim] Come on now,
I've got your dish.

- [Ducky growls]
- I have it. Oh, beans?

- Not really a big fan.
- Right.

In the damn supermarket, anyone?

Knock yourself out.

- I'll come.
- Right.

You know what?
I saw a lovely pub nearby.

Spork. It's not yours Ducky!

- Are we taking this too far?
- No.

Was it honestly an accident
leaving Connie behind?

Yes.

You sure it hasn't just become

second nature to be mean to her?

Most people
would've moved on by now.

Really?
You moved on from your fiancé?

No.

Thanks.

Rip up the letter.
You'll feel better.

I don't think
revenge is the answer

and I don't think you do either.

Well, that's working for me.

- Here, go on.
- No.

Let's destroy the evidence.

- [phone camera click]
- What are you doing?

What I should've done
from the start.

I'm sending it to him.

Maybe Connie deserves this,

but are we any better by being
so dishonest and manipulative?

Getting your dignity back
has got be worth something,

isn't it?

Yeah, but I'd like to point out

there is a big difference

between getting
your dignity back

and getting revenge.

Maybe it's just time
that on behalf of all men,

that have been duped by some
scurrilous gold-digger

that I get a little payback.

Bollocks. Don't play the victim.

Don't pretend
this is some grand crusade.

This is about your fragile ego.

- Ooh?
- Here's the thing I don't understand, Mark.

Connie is already a fundamentally
unhappy person, right?

So, why are you wasting
so much of your time

and energy on trying to
make her even more miserable?

There's no prize
at the end of this.

And I don't think she's the only
one who's being punished.

I'll settle the bill.

[background music]

[cellphone pings a text]

[snoring]

Oh my god, oh my god.
[cough, cough] Oh my god.

Come here, you little shit bag.

Connie, can I have a word?

[Connie] Come here.
No, leave me alone.

Come on. Give it to me,
stupid dog.

[growling]

- [Mark] Connie.
- Mark, leave me alone!

Leave me alone. No, get off.
No, no, no, no.

- Connie.
- What? What?

I just want to have a chat.

Oh, you want to chat?

What do you want
to chat about Mark?

What nugget of brilliance
have you got for me today?

Have you got another
fucking surprise up your sleeve?

Are we going to the sauna
with your fat friend or maybe,

I'm going to go winkle picking
with Kendra, will that be fun?

That wouldn't be awkward,
would it?

Tell me, Mark.
I'm waiting on tenterhooks.

I'm waiting with bated breath

to hear what earth shattering
chat we're going to have.

- Don't leave me in the dark, Mark. Tell me.
- Nothing, Connie.

- Oh, good. So can we go home?
- No, not yet.

Of course. We're going to stay
another night

- in this luxury five-star field.
- Nope.

- Well, what then?
- We're gonna, um--

Oh, no, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't want to ruin the surprise,

'cause you know how much
I fucking love them so far.

Yeah well, you know what? You'll probably
hate it like everything else, wouldn't you?

- Ugh. Where's the bathroom?
- Oh, it's over there next

- to the five-star restaurant.
- What restaurant?

Oh, that's right. We're in a
field. Go behind the bushes.

I'm not going behind the bushes.

Go wherever you want, Connie.

Just do it downwind of me.

Fuck you. Fuck you!
You get out as well.

What, a fucking lunch box?
Fucking camping.

Who's fucking
shit idea was that?

Could you help tidy up?
Fucking done with camping.

Fucking done with it.
Never again, never.

[music]

Connie! Connie! Connie,
you asleep? Connie.

[Connie] What? Shut up.

- Are you asleep?
- Yes.

I was just checking.

- [thud]
- Aaah!

We're here.

Kitten. Why do you
do this to yourself?

We'll have to get
Alexa to sort you out.

If you insist
on looking like a drag queen.

Couldn't you at least
look like a pretty one?

Oh, my god. Mom.

I thought she said her parents
died in a house fire.

- Pumpkin!
- Hi, ha, ha.

[kissing] You look awful.

Oh, god.

Surprise.

Well, hello, Mr. Beefcake.

Let's get you
out of these wet things.

They're not wet.

Oh, must just be me then.

I'm out of here.

No. Tim. I need you.

Come on, puppy.
We're going home.

Unlock the car.

Welcome, welcome.

- See you inside. Come on, trust me.
- But you--

So, you're the lucky chap
marrying my daughter, then?

- No, afraid not. Best man.
- Oh, best man?

- Yes.
- Are you a rugby player?

Don't take one. We don't want
to have to squeeze you

into your wedding dress.

Or, indeed the church.

How are you, Alexa? You look like
you've had a few late nights.

Hmph, what a chief?

Sorry, what?

I think it's a goth thing.

Chief.

Thank you.

Very kind of you
to put us all up, Carol.

Mm, my pleasure.

Connie doesn't have
that many friends over here.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Oh no, she's talking
to herself again.

I hope
that doesn't mean we have to

send her back to the clinic.

Well, I'm not paying for it,
and she's your problem now.

- [giggles]
- Do you want some bread, Chief?

Dad, will you say something?

Alexa, don't waste food
on Connie.

You know I recognize you.

I'm one
of Connie's oldest friends.

She used to come here every day.

Oh yeah,

the sexy one.

Oh, god.

They used to be best friends.

Best friends,
you mean only friend?

Until Connie
fucked Kendra's fiancé.

- Alexa!
- Pork chop.

- You bitch.
- Language.

- Chief.
- Well, I must say,

that doesn't sound
very sporting, pumpkin.

I hope you apologized.

No, daddy.

- Gabby.
- Yes, sir.

More bread.
Not for Connie though.

And uh, Gabby, fill this up,
would you?

- [slap]
- Oh, there's a good girl.

[Patrick] So, you're going to make
an honest woman of my daughter, then.

I'm expected to
give my blessing.

I need to know that you're
going to make her happy, Mark.

What's the point, if you're not
going to make each other happy?

It's a kind of embarrassing,
but um,

I spent most of my childhood

daydreaming about
my life with Connie.

You're right.
That was embarrassing.

No, no, no. That's really sweet.

Connie is so lucky
to have met someone like you.

- Yes, very lucky.
- Very lucky.

Very, very, lucky.

- Really lucky.
- Very lucky.

- Yes, very, very, very lucky.
- Chief.

Yeah, I'm a firm believer
in traditional standards.

Woman's place
is in the home and whatnot,

or in the kitchen
if you can't afford a maid.

That's very progressive of you.

Hmm.
Can you afford a maid, Mark?

I am working on it.

See, I want Connie to be independent,
not so reliant on mom and dad.

Yes, daddy.

That's why we spent
her inheritance,

on Alexa's promising pop career.

♪ Chief fuck ♪

Now, I know that some people may see me
as a bit uh, old fashioned, that's fine.

The world goes on. But there are certain
things that I simply will not accept.

- [Mark] No, of course not.
- [Patrick] I mean, don't get me wrong.

I know that when you're young
things can seem very confusing.

I myself had crushes

on some of the bigger boys
at my school.

Oh, good Lord.

Captain of the football team
and so forth.

Harnessing and some fumbling's
heavy petting, gobbling.

That sort of thing, but the point is
one grows out of that type of behavior.

I suppose so.

More wine?

I'm going to pace myself,
if that's okay.

Hmm, suit yourself.

Gabby, top up, please.

[pidgeon coos]

My god, let's get out of here.

I couldn't fathom
what he might do next.

Yeah, minging isn't it?

Yes, it's awful.

Almost makes me feel
sorry for her.

- Hmm.
- Explains a lot.

Yeah, it does.

If I didn't know any better,

and say what you said
about her in there,

is how you still feel.

It's a good thing you know
me better then, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

You do still have
feelings for her?

- How silly.
- Yeah, you do.

This isn't about punishing her
because she deserves it.

This is about punishing her
so you don't have to let her go.

No. No, that's not true.

You've just been validating
your decision to stay with her.

- Really?
- Yes.

Okay, so what's my alternative?
Alright, I go in there, end it,

walk off blissfully to the sunset hand in hand with Tim.
- Yeah.

Yeah, how's that working out for you
and your ex-fiancé? Are you happier now?

I feel like myself again.
I feel like I've moved on. I'm not angry.

- I'm not angry!
- Then what are you?

Lonely.
I wish I could end it, I do.

I wish I could just
walk in there, be done with it.

I can't. I just--

[sighs] I've been in love
with her for 20 years, Kendra.

I can't just--
I can't just end it.

Mark,
you're not in love with her.

You've been infatuated with her.

You deserve to be happy.

You should be with someone
who really understands you

and appreciates you
and cares about you.

We both know that's not Connie.

Oh, come here.

[thunder]

[wind howling]

[music box plays]

[thunder]

[dramatic classical music]

[door knocking]

[lid slams shut]

Who is it?

- I'm coming in.
- Please don't.

Hello, foxy.

I think you're
in the wrong room.

No, no, no, no, we can do it
in any room you like.

I can't fight it any longer.

Your persistence
has finally paid off.

You're going to get
a [smack] spanking.

All right.

[dramatic music]

[thunder]

My safe-word is, Camembert.

Well, my safe-word is,
your husband terrifies me.

[dramatic music]

Don't mind me, old chap.
I'll be as good as gold.

Ducky, you better
cover your eyes, mate.

Don't be such a spoilsport.
You'll love it.

[Tim in the other room] No, no,
no, no, no. Camembert!

[woman screaming]
One more time. One more time.

[Tim] Your husband terrifies me!

[sighs]

[crying]

♪ You know the way my blood runs
'Cause darlin' You're the only one ♪

♪ Can you and I go somewhere?
Go somewhere we can be alone ♪

♪ Lying like John and Yoko
or fake our deaths and leave ♪

♪ Am I tripping
Are you with me? ♪

♪ 'Cause darlin'
You're the only one ♪

♪ The world is going mad ♪

♪ You and I can hide away ♪

♪ I can't stand the TV screen ♪

♪ Turn it off, pull the plug ♪

♪ They can try
They won't find us ♪

♪ Slow down your heartbeat ♪

♪ Close your eyes
And don't speak ♪

♪ Lay with my body ♪

♪ Play dead, play dead with me ♪

♪ No need to escape.
We can find our own way ♪

♪ You got me hiding
In cupboards ♪

♪ Play dead, play dead with me ♪

♪ We'll stock up some ration ♪

♪ So we don't have
To leave this room ♪

♪ I'm dead
Don't care what happens ♪

♪ As long
As I'm in here with you... ♪

Morning, sleep well?

- Ahh.
- [Groans].

Morning, handsome.

Timmy? Timmy?

Timmy? Ahh.

Anyone seen Beefcake?

I think I saw
him going for a run.

Oh, thank you, Kendra. Okay.

Tim? Timmy?

[mother] Timmy.

- [dog barking]
- [mother] Get down, get down.

She's been bitten by the dog.

Cons, so how was the road trip?

Did he get all grabby or did he
keep his mitts to himself?

Ugh, he's not like that.

You're confusing him
with yourself.

[Johnny laughs]

So, when you speak
to your lawyer next,

you need to make sure
he gets you some shares too.

Right, that's where the real payoff's really
going to come from. Where is the idiot?

Why d'you have to call him that?
Look, it's still half of his money.

There's really no need
to add insult to injury.

Says the trollop who's literally about
to rip out his heart and dance on it.

Literally. I'm literally
going to do that, am I?

I'm literally going
to open his chest cavity,

rip out his heart and dance
on it? Any particular dance?

It can be fucking
Gangnam style if you like it.

Any girl will be
lucky to have Mark.

[Johnny] Oh, fucking hell.
Jesus.

You haven't got that...
Stockholm syndrome, have you?

- [sighs]
- [Johnny Hang on in there.

I need you
to sit tight for me, okay?

We're going to have
so much fucking money.

So much fucking money.

Think of all the things
we can do with each other.

Think of all those lovely,
lovely anal beads I can get you.

Hey, Siri, call
Fatface McFlippy Nips.

[Siri]
Calling Fatface McFlippy Nips.

[phone ringing]

- Oh, shit it's him.
- Who?

[gagging noises] Him, him!

The bloke we're talking about.
Fucking Mark.

Answer it, moron.

- Hello.
- Johnny, how are you?

Good, good, good
good, good. What about you?

Good, just wondering
what you're up to tonight.

Not a great deal, mate.
No plans as yet.

Perfect,
why don't you come over here.

Hmm?

Bye. Twat.

I was going out for a bit.

Okay.

- Just to the shops.
- Didn't ask.

Can I get you anything?

No. I'm fine, thank you.

Hey, so I just wanted
to apologize for my family.

- Don't be silly, you've got nothing to apologize for.
- Yeah, no, I do. [chuckle]

It's like being around a bunch of
wild animals on heat at that place.

We all have our
burdens, don't we?

You have your family
and I have Tim.

I wish I could be close to them,

but, my loss, I guess.
See you later.

See you later.

[Mark] Thanks for coming, mate.
It's really nice to see you.

- [Johnny] Oh, thanks for inviting me over.
- [door slams]

Oh, here she is.
Look who's here.

Ahh, Connie.

Hey, Johnny.

- We love you too.
- Hi.

Uh, sweetheart
we're out of wine,

so I'm going to nip
to the shop, grab a bottle.

Uh, you'll be all right
for 10 minutes, will you?

Yeah, no problem, chief.

Be back in a bit.

[music]

What are you doing?

He's going to be back
in a few minutes.

Taking my shoes off.
A few minutes is all I need.

No. No. Stop it. No. No.

Connie, come on.
It'll be exciting.

Stop it. Stop it.

Come on.

Stop it, now. Stop it. Stop it.

They think I'm so stupid.

Oh, he's got
his trousers off now.

Come on. Already?

[phone rings]

- Hello.
- [Mark] Hello. Hi, yeah, no uh,

I couldn't find
the bottle of wine I wanted,

so I'm going to pop down
to the supermarket.

I'll be about 20 minutes.

Yes. I'll see you in a bit.

Love you.

I don't think you're gonna find
that closure tonight, mate.

- [Connie] Stop it.
- [Johnny] How long we've got?

[Connie] For what?

For this. Come on.

- 20 minutes, and no. Shut up. No.
- Yes.

- No!
- Yes!

I don't understand, why won't my
fiancé have sex with that man?

- Some people, eh?
- Yeah.

Don't be in such a twist.
Nothing.

I just have zero interest in having
sex with a fucktard like you.

[door slams]

Put your fucking clothes back on
now. [door slams]

Jesus Christ, you're being such
a fucking bore, Connie.

He's so annoying.

Here you go. Good luck.

Thanks. Enjoy the show.

- Fuck me, what happened in here?
- Hello mate.

- Is it warm in here?
- It is a little bit toasty, isn't it?

Hey, I didn't know you were
going to be back so soon.

Yeah, well they
didn't have the wine I wanted,

but then I figured you're just going
to put water in yours anyway, so--

[laughs]

- Uh, Johnny.
- Yes.

- You like red?
- I bloody love it. Red.

Good. Man after my own heart.
Just say when.

Of course.

Oh, ah, shit!

uh, Johnny, I'm so sorry.

And so careless of me.

- That's fine.
- It's very clearly,

going to leave
a big stain on your shirt.

- I sort of prefer it that way, anyway.
- If you don't mind,

- I'm just going to get this tablecloth cleaned up...
- No, no, no, no!

- No, no, good one.
- No, no,

- this is my favorite table cloth.
- No, no, no, no.

Why don't you just let me
wash my own tablecloth?

No, I think it's
part of the design.

- My mother gave me this.
- Did she?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Johnny, give me,
give me it. Johnny.

No.

Why are you so attached
to this tablecloth, Johnny?

No.

Just give me
the tablecloth, Johnny.

Just leave the fucking
tablecloth alone, you prick.

Give me the tablecloth.

- Huh.
- The thing is, mate.

Yes, the thing.

Well, I thought I'd just,
you know, have a little one.

Right. That's your good idea.

Should we do this another night?

Great idea.
Fantastic.

You mind if I--

Yeah, help yourself.

Love mint.

Johnny, you should--

Oh, I need those.

[Johnny blows kiss]

[door closes]

Got you something.

What's this?

Prenup.

[door opens]

- [sighs]
- [door closes]

[sighs]

He's a sneaky bastard.

Why is he doing this to me?

Because deep down, sugar tits
he knows you're a conniving cow.

Oh, and thank you for leaving
me high and dry last night.

So, that's it then?

No. No, no, no,
no, no. Not at all.

You see this states that everything
he gets before the wedding

remains his.

Uh, well yeah, it's a prenup.
Oaf!

Shh, shh, shh, shh

Just-- Shh. What I mean is

he's thinking that the money
is coming in before the wedding.

- And?
- And...

I might just have to take another
little trip down to accounts

to delay the contract
by a few days

until after the wedding.

[Johnny] Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, Johnny, you're so sexy.

Ooo, please, please take me now.

Johnny, Johnny
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

Something. Something.
Ugh, fuck off.

[chilled acoustic music]

Well,
I'm going to go out on a limb

and declare this
the worst stag night ever.

Yep.

- Congratulations, mate.
- Thank you!

Now, is it just me
or are we way past the point

where we're
supposed to stop doing this?

Little bit longer, pal,
it's almost over.

♪ You're the only one ♪

♪ Who brings light
Just like the sun... ♪

[phone rings]

- Hello.
- Hello, this is Peter calling for Three Bells Catering.

Just ringing about tomorrow's
wedding, you must be excited.

Anyway, I wanted to double
check guest numbers, please.

I think he had
an updated list somewhere.

Uh, yup, that's
four extra confirmed.

Great. One more
thing before you go.

[music]

♪ My darling you and I ♪

♪ Take over the world ♪

♪ One step at a time,
Just you and I ♪

♪ 'Cause, my darling you and I
Take over the world ♪

♪ One step at a time,
Just you and I ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the only one ♪

♪ Who brings light
Just like the sun ♪

♪ One step at a time
Just you and I ♪

♪ One step at a time
Just you and I ♪

♪ Yeah, one step at a time
just you and I ♪

Hiya, which club
did you come from?

- Who the hell are you?
- Having a last night of freedom party.

You don't mind, do you?

Well, we are getting married
in the morning.

Yeah,
but we got strippers tonight.

Hence, last night of freedom.

Well, have fun. I'm staying
at my friend's tonight.

You sure? We got kebabs,
we got enough for everyone.

I signed the prenup. Happy?

Why wouldn't I be? I'm getting
married in the morning.

Bye, Connie.

See you tomorrow.

[kiss]

[song playing]

Well, mate,
let's get the party started.

Gonna get my head down,
get an early night.

What? But strippers.

Have fun.

The more for me, mate.
Come on, girls.

You have this.
Where are the kebabs at?

[song playing]

[Young Mark] Everyday you're on my
mind, I love the way you laugh.

I promise to always
treat you kind,

like you're my better half.

I'll keep you close to my heart

but you will always be
and hope we're never apart.

Forever you and me.

[laughter]

Stop it.

I'm in heaven.

Mate, mate,
take a picture. Please.

Yes.

[song playing]

[church bells chiming]

Psst, psst!

Is there a bucket nearby? I
think-- I think I need to vomit.

Hangover that bad, is it?

It's not good, but Baroness von
Strap-on is not helping.

- Priest.
- Can't we do this sitting down?

What you sitting there for,
you big lump of shite?

- Excuse me, sorry. Joe?
- [Joe] Hi.

- Is it done?
- [Joe] I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.

There's a delay
with the contract.

Some sap forgot to put
the correct witness info on.

They've assured me it'll re-signed
first thing Monday morning.

Money all cleared into
your account Tuesday.

- Okay.
- Mark, just remember the prenup's not going to cover

- any contract signed after you get married.
- Thanks.

What's he playing at? Hey, gobshite.
Get your ass down and kneel.

Sorry.

Any last minute notes?

[wedding march playing]

Well, all stand up.

[wedding march playing]

Patrick.

Oh, there you are.

You can sit down now.

Dearly Beloved,
we are gathered here today

to witness the coming
together of Connie and Mark

and to celebrate the communion
they are about to make.

Is there anyone here present
who knows any reason

why Connie and Mark
cannot be joined in marriage?

Speak now
or forever shut your face.

Yes?

[coughs]

Then we can carry on then,
can we?

- Please do.
- Thank you.

Have you got the ring?

Thank you.

Do you, Mark Walwyn, 'wyn,

promise to take Connie Nicholson
to be a lawful wedded wife,

in sickness and in health,
for richer or poorer, better or worse?

I do.

What?

[priest] And do you, Connie
Nicholson promise to take Mark Walwyn

to be a lawful wedded husband,
in sickness and in health

for richer or poorer,
better or worse?

No.

Good, then you may now
kiss the-- What?

I said no.

What are doing?

You deserve
so much better than me.

I know about the money.

I know, I don't care.

I do love you though.

No, you don't.

Thanks for saying it though.

Sorry about your hair.

I'm sorry about it all.

Why didn't you end it?

Couldn't.

I love you.

You're supposed to say "yes".

Baby, baby, he's gonna
get away with our money.

It's not our money,
it's his money.

- Are you insane?
- Sit down.

- Um, what money?
- Just made 20 million.

- [crowd gasps]
- [Johnny] Fucking hell.

God, can I have
a million pounds then?

You can have half.

Buddy, um, can I have
half a million too, please?

Johnny, will you shut up.
Will you just fuck off.

Take you fucking weasel dick and your
little fucking hooker and get out.

It's not really little,
and she's not a hooker, that's her.

I'm going to make a move.

Alright, come on, come on.
I just need to get out of here.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Am I still getting my money?

No, not a fucking bean.

She's a-- She's an escort.
She's an escort!

There's a difference.

[Johnny] Hope you all die!

Sorry, everyone.

Sorry.

Sorry.

That's all right.

I get paid either way.

I don't judge, that's God's job,
and he don't exist, by the way.

[wedding march playing]

It's okay.

Please don't be
too touchy, Kendra.

He seems to be very fond of you.

- Do you think--
- You can fuck off too.

Okay. Okay.

Cracking wedding, fella.

Yeah. We should do it
again some time.

Oh yeah, definitely.

So, when do I get
my half million then?

How's Tuesday?

It's alright, I suppose.

Thanks for being so patient.

By the way, what is
this invention of yours?

Tim, we've lived together
for four years

you don't know
what I do for a living.

Honestly, no.

It's an app for airline pilo--

Yeah, no I'm not interested.

Hello, foxy.

Oh, god.

Mark, I am a little bit
disappointed in you,

but if you'd like to date Alexa,
we would definitely consider it.

Chief.

Kendra, I can't
take back what I did

and it probably doesn't
mean a whole lot more to you

to tell you there
hasn't been a single day

where I haven't
been filled with regret.

I'm truly so,
so sorry for hurting you.

Here, keep yourself dry.
Bye, bye.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing just horny.

What? Wonder where he's gone.

You're disgusting.
I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, Mark,
your wedding present's arrived.

- Tim, no!
- Yes.

- How did you afford this?
- I just popped it on the old credit card.

How long have you
hired it for, Tim?

- Ach, just three months.
- Just three months, eh?

Coming out of your half.

Yes, sure.
Look after Ducky for me. Ducky!

[car engine revving]

Well, at least Tim isn't going to
sleep with both of your parents again.

If I didn't know any better
I'd say,

you're kind of enjoying this.

[giggles] Maybe. A little.

[Mark] If I'm being honest,
all my life I've come across

like a lobotomized hamster when
it comes to understanding women.

And at the age of 30,
having just blossomed

into a multi-millionaire

I know even less.

So, If you think I'm giving up

on that cold-hearted,
gold-digging trollop

just as she's starting
to like me, think again.

[music playing]

[loud sobbing]

There, there. Cry your tiny
little eyes out.

That'll make it all better.
Yeah.

[blows nose and chokes]

How could she do this to me?

It's like I already told you.

She is a lying, cheating shit.

[coughs and crying]

The best thing
you can do, right?

Is to chuck her out and let
me and Ducky move back in.

No, I don't want to. [crying]

[Tim laughs]

Well, what are you going to do
about her then? Kill her? No.

[music]