For Better or Worse (1995) - full transcript

♪ [ A cappella jazz ]

[ People chattering,
indistinct ]

[ Microphone
squealing ] Hi.

My name is Michael makeshift,
and I'm an alcoholic.
[ Audience ] Hi, Michael.

It's been six months
since my last drink.

[ Audience applauding ]

♪ Bah, bah, bah, doo-bah
bah, bah, bah, doo-dah ♪

♪ bah, bah, bah, doo ♪

[ Woman ]
Aw, shut up and talk !

Hi, my name
is Michael makeshift,

and I haven't gained one pound
in the last six months.



[ Audience applauding ]

Hi, my name
is Michael makeshift,

and I'm a compulsive gambler.

It's been six months
since I made my last bet.

[ Audience applauds ]

♪ Bah, bah, bah, doo-bah
doo-wah, bah, doo-wah ♪

Thank you.
My name is Michael makeshift,

and I'm a kleptomaniac.

♪ Bah ♪
is there a microphone ?

It was stolen
at the last meeting.

[ All muttering ]

[ Man ]
♪ I been waitin' here ♪

♪ I'm wonderin'
when you're gonna show ♪

[ Group ]
♪ waiting, waiting ♪
[ Car squeaking ]



♪ By and by the time goes
sometimes fast
and sometimes slow ♪

♪ waiting ♪

[ Squeaking, sputtering ]
♪ I been thinkin'
how the time is passin' ♪

♪ my friends askin'
how long I can last ♪

♪ in such a state it'd have
to be bad for my self-esteem ♪

♪ they say I'm in denial ♪

♪ boy, you've got
to let her go ♪

♪ waiting ♪

♪ I'm stayin' here until I think
of somethin' else to do ♪

♪ waiting, waiting ♪

♪ I'm goin' nowhere just in case
you're goin' nowhere too ♪

♪ waiting ♪

♪ and I'm thinkin'
how you never write or call ♪

♪ and if there's nothin'
here at all ♪

♪ I guess I'll have
to take the fall ♪

♪ and get back on my feet ♪

♪ then I'll just fall in love ♪

♪ with someone else
who looks like you ♪

♪ waiting ♪

[ Beeps ]
Zero messages.

[ Beeps ]
Repeat: Zero, zero, zero.

Zero, zero, zero.

♪ I need to get away
and take a long vacation ♪

♪ a trip around the world
for health and recreation ♪

♪ a time for solitude
and self-recrimination ♪

Hello, valeri.

[ Man knocking, shouting ]
Open up, makeshift.
Open up my door !

Hi, Mr. Ranzier.
What the hell is this ?

My rent.
It's a hundred
and a quarter short.

I know.
That's two months
in a row.

It's all I can afford,
right now, but--

bu-bu-bu-bu-but !
What do I look like,
the house of good Shepherd ?

This ain't a layaway plan.
I don't take installments.

Is this a dog ?
I said no pets in the building !

- It's not a dog.
- Then what is it ?

It's a tape
my therapist gave me.

I'm... learning to bond without
the threat of abandonment.

Bond ? With what ?

The dog.

Well, it better not shit
on my rug !

Mr. Ranzier, I-I promise
I'll have the money next month.

I-If you would just accept
partial rent a little longer.

Partial rent...
For partial apartment.

Makeshift, she dumped you
six months ago.

Paint a fuckin' clown face
once in a while.

She, uh--

she didn't dump me.
[ Loud crashing ]

Valeri's singing
with a new group over
in Denver. We're, uh--

we're getting married
in the spring.

Yeah, right.
I will say this, though.

She had a nice ass.
Thank you.

What the-- what the hell
are these things ?

Uh, shoehorns.
I collect them.

My brother and I
started the collection
when we were kids.

All I need is a 1901 waterline
to complete the set.

They only made six of them.
Three of them were buried
with kings.

Isn't that fascinating ?
I think so.

You know, makeshift,
I got a hobby too.

Really ?
Yeah.
I collect rent !

And all I need is apartment 2b
to complete my set !

And if I don't get it
in 24 hours, you and your horns
are out on the street !

Ycoppish ?
Understand that ? Verstehen ?

Yeah.

[ Three handclaps ]
[ Two handclaps, TV comes on ]

[ Three handclaps,
TV turns off ]
[ Two claps, TV resumes ]

[ Lamp clicks ]
[ Handclaps ]

- [ TV turns off, lamp clicks ]
- What the hell are you doing ?

- I'm turning on the TV !
- The TV is two small claps.

- That's the fan.
- The fan is clap,
pause, clap !

- You're thinking
of the chair.
- Please don't insult me.

[ TV clicks on, clicks off ]

All right, everyone stop !
Stop, stop ! Stop.

You want Mr. Lazarus
to call the police again ?

Tell her.
Am I the one
clapping like a seal ?

Ma, why did you buy
all these clappers ?
What, buy ?

Your brother sent them to me.

[ A cappella group ]
♪ no, no, no ♪
Reggie ?

They were part of the prize
he won in that lottery.

Reggie didn't win
any lottery. It was fixed.

He barely made it out of
Central America alive.

Your brother
is a very lucky boy.

He has a magic touch.

He fled the country
on a raft, Rose !
The money was lost at sea.

[ Napkin snaps ]
[ TV turns on ]

[ TV turns off ]
I don't wanna discuss it !

- What's this ?
- Your father sent me
a postcard from Madrid.

Bastard walks out two years
ago. Now he decides
we should be pen pals.

Forget about him, Michael !
The man doesn't exist anymore.

I don't understand.

A man owns the same
hardware store for 30 years.

One morning he gets up...

And decides to go off hunting
for sunken treasure.

He didn't decide to hunt.
Reggie conned him into hunting.

You have to stop
blaming your brother...

For everything that happens.

He can't help it
if he has a head for business.

Ma, what are you
talking about ?
Reggie lost the store !

He blew all the money.
Every penny !

He was cheated
by those Asian investors !

Asian investors ?
He bet the money on a horse
called "China doll" !

The horse had a coronary.
It never left the gate !

I heard it was cancer.
Who has cancer ?

Marsha's brother.
What ?
The man is a diabetic.

I heard cancer !
I gotta go.
I'll see you later.

Michael,
where are you running ?

I got a job interview, ma.

It kills me to see you
so upset !

You have to forget
about this valeri.

Love is shit, Michael.

Take it from me.
Love is shit.

Do yourself a favor, Michael.
Scrape valeri off your shoe...

Before she stinks up
your whole life.

So, Michael. Tell me
about yourself.

Well, I, uh, have a degree
in art history from modesto
junior college...

And 12 years' experience
working in a hardware store.

Perfect.
You're unskilled
but loyal.

Congratulations, son.
You're hired.

♪ [ Drum beating
marching Cadence ]

Remember, stay low.

Keep close.
Oh, my god.

Damn !
The lunch rush has
already started.

Let's move.
Oh, my god.

♪ [ Jazz version
of "reveille" ]
Oh, my god ! Oh, my god !

Shouldn't we be picking up
balls after hours ?

Ho, Michael !
Come on, come on !
Left face, ho !

Right face,
let's go, let's go !
Retreat, retreat !

[ Michael yelping ]

Keep low, Eddie. Look
for Charlie in the trees.

Mr. Gray, there's no Eddie here.
There's no Charlie !
There's no trees !

Red dog, we've got
heavy spray comin'
from the second quad.

Come on, Eddie !
Charlie wants to dance.
What ?

Charlie doesn't wanna dance.
Charlie needs a break !

Gimme your radio !
Alpha six five ?
Come in !

You're talkin'
into your hand !
Incoming !

[ Screaming ]

Medic ! Medic !
Relax, Eddie.

It's the guys who panic
who get their balls blown off.

[ Moans ]

♪ [ Scat singing "London bridge
is falling down" ]

Michael !
Hi, Dr. Plotner.

It's good to see you
again. I got some
great news.

The video terrier just came
in, and he is feisty.

I thought you were
getting an office.

Oh, no, no.
I changed my mind.

I mean, what is an office
but overhead ?

Phones, fax machines,
staplers ?

How often do you really
use that shit ?
I wouldn't know.

Come on in. Danny,
I just talked to your mom.
She'll be here any minute.

Would you like another
animal cookie ?

I already said no !

Danny used to be
a bed wetter.

He's shooting
an arby's commercial,
so he's a little tense.

So.

Michael, tell me,

how's the extended family
therapy working out ?

- Have you been listening
to the grandma tapes ?
- Not fully.

That's very interesting.
You're resisting grandma.

Now, in our last session,
you mentioned problems
with valeri.

Who's valeri ?

Uh, valeri is Michael's
fiancee. She's living
in Denver.

Which is the capital
of Colorado.

She moved there
six months ago.

Uh, Michael, have you
managed to make contact
with her ?

Not contact.

She hasn't called you
in six months.
What a loser.

- Well, she sings with a band.
- She dumped you.

Danny, please. Uh--
but he does make
an interesting point there.

Don't you think it's time
for you to start exploring
other women ?

I meet women all the time
at my meetings.

I met one at a.A. Last week,
and, uh,

another one
at cocaine anonymous.

Some very nice women
go to my bulimia support group.

This is new, Michael.
I should write this down in case
this is somehow relevant.

So, uh, you're an alcoholic.

You're a cokehead,
and you purge.

Well, I don't actually
have the problems. I just like
going to the meetings.

I can't listen to this
crap anymore. I'm goin'
on the swings.

Michael, when you
meet these women...

At these meetings,

do you ever ask
any of them out ?

- Doctor, I'm engaged !
- Yeah. I-- I know, but, uh--

until the actual marriage,
uh--

don't you think that you
should think about pursuing
women who, uh, exist ?

Look, I don't need this !
I was not dumped !

Michael, Michael, calm down.
Uh, uh-- would you like
an animal cookie ?

[ Shouting ]
No ! No cookies !

Valeri and I are in love !
Nothing can change that.

Michael, please !
I was merely suggesting
that you play the field.

I played the field,
Dr. Plotner,

and I caught
valeri lashlander !

[ A cappella group ]
♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ bah, dah ♪

♪ bah, dah ♪
[ Pounding on door ]

♪ Bah, dah, bah, dah ♪

[ Pounding ]
♪ bah, dah, bah, dah ♪

Who is it ?
[ Pounding continues ]

Mr. Ranzier, I swear I'll
have the money in a few days.

Don't slam the door !

Come here, Mike !
Hey !

Come on, open the door.
[ Knocking ]

Hey, you only have
one brother.
That's one too many !

What did I do, Michael ?
Just tell me, and we can
talk about it !

What did you do ?
Yeah.

You told all the kids I was
a foreign exchange student
from France...

Whose parents refused
to take him back !

You were shy.
I was trying to get you
out of your shell.

You should have
spoken up.
I had a stuttering problem !

W-W-Why d-d-didn't
you tell me ?
Joke, Mike.

Huh ? Little joke.
Forget it.

You gonna hold a grudge
over that ?

You married my high school
sweetheart and then divorced
her four months later.

I dated her for two years.
You stole her away !

She was wrong for you, Michael.
She was a virgin,
for Christ's sake !

So was I.
Oof.

Mike. We were kids.

You should have
said something.
I wrote you a note !

It said, "dear Reggie,
I'm gonna kill myself."

I'm dyslexic. I thought
it said "dear Reggie,
I'm gonna knit a scarf."

Look, between you and me,
Barbara was a lousy lay.

Her name was Brenda.
Brenda. Huh.

Reggie ! Reggie !
Michael wants a woodgie !

Agh ! That's it !
I want you out of my life,
Reggie !

The whole world may think
you're a prince, but I know what
a filthy little toad you are !

[ Whispering ]
Whoa. Yeah. Whoo.

- Oh, my god.
- I picked this baby up
at an auction in Chicago.

The makeshift brothers
now have--

yeah, mambo, wah, hah.

The finest collection
in all of North America.
Ooh.

Oh, my god !

Reggie, that's a 1901
waterline !

And it's mint !
Let me-- let me see.
Come on !

Let me see it !
[ A cappella group ]
♪ la, la, la, la ♪

♪ la, la, la, la ♪

I'm sorry you hate me,
Mikey. Ah !

You know, I wanted
to share my joy
with someone I love.

You were that someone.
What joy ?

[ Sighs ]

I got married tonight.
I finally tied the knot.

You been married
four times.
This year.

I finally
tied the knot this year.
Woodgie, woodgie.

[ Sniffing ]
[ Gulps, sighs ]

[ Glass breaking ]
[ Man ]
Goddamn it !

Let me run down
and get the little woman.
Reggie !

Wait a minute.
What do you want from me ?

I want my only brother
to meet the woman I love.

Mikey, please.
This means the world
to me.

All right,
you got five minutes.
Mmm.

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

[ Smacks windowsill ]

Oh, Jesus, he killed her !

[ Spits, grunts ]

Is she dead ?

Nah. I doubt it.

Mike, pick an end.
I can't take her by myself.
Come on.

[ Grunting ]

Okay. Which way ?
Watch out for the train.

[ Grunting ]
What train ?
There's a train ?

Oh ! God.
Okay. Oopsie.

[ Both grunting ]

Okay.

So Mikey, last week,
I'm on a cruise
in the Virgin Islands.

Nice. And who's
in the cabin next door,
but this little angel.

Have you ever seen anybody
so... cute ? So feminine ?

- She's drooling on my floor.
- My wife, huh ?

She's a dream.
Congratulations.

I'm glad, because I really
want you to like her.
I need a favor.

I knew it. Get out !
And drag her with you !

Mike, we're gonna be in town
for a couple of days.
I'm here closing a big deal.

I'm gonna be workin'
day and night.

And I was hopin' she could
stay with you for a while.

Get out, Reggie !

Get outta my life !
And take the lovely missus !

Valeri.

Remember your valeri,
Michael ?

How soft ? How perfect.
Look at her, Michael.

Look at my valeri.
Granted, she's a bit quieter,

but she's still a valeri.

You married a woman named
valeri just to torture me,
didn't you ?

Mikey, if I get this
business deal going--

it's a legitimate deal.

Okay ? You don't even
have to move her.

She'll-- she can stay
right there on the floor.
She would love that.

Uh, i-i--
great. Great.
[ Kissing ]

It's settled.
I'll be back
as soon as possible.

You look good.

Reggie ! You cannot leave
unconscious people
in my apartment !

Family. It's a wonderful thing.
You are gonna have so much fun.

I will call the police.
I swear I will.

Aw, please, Mikey !
Can't we get past
this thing ?

Does it come down to me
having to give you money ?

I'll write a check
for $500 right now.
I don't want your money.

When I get back, I am gonna
slip you a grand, Mikey,
because this is the big one.

Mikey, please. I don't
trust valeri makeshift
with anyone else.

Promise me you won't
leave her side.

Promise me.

Two days, Reggie.
That's it.
Yes !

She can stay on the couch.
Yes !

And I want a number
where you're gonna be
at all times.

[ Kiss ]

Woodgie, woodgie,
woodgie.

Come on. Woodgie,
woodgie, woodgie.
Oh, woodgie !

I knew you'd come through.
I'm gonna call you
as soon as I get settled.

And this...

Is everything she owns
in the world.

We're starting
a new life together.

This is where I'll be.
Do not call unless
it's an emergency.

"The black parrot" ?

Yeah. And don't
ask for Reggie.
Ask for the candy man.

- Valeri ?
- [ Hiccups ]

- ♪ Ah ♪
- uh--

hi.

I-I'm Michael.
I'm Reggie's brother.

Mmm.

[ Vomiting ]

This is cute and feminine ?

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ hello ♪

♪ Oh, baby
oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Oh, shit !
He's a wacko !

♪ Wacko ♪

♪ just ♪

♪ oh ♪

- Good morning, valeri.
- [ Screaming ]

We're gonna have
a lot of fun together.

Listen up, you psycho killer !

I don't know how I got here,
but you messed
with the wrong woman !

[ Spraying ]
I'm not a psycho killer.

[ Screams ]
If you touch my person
in any way,

I'll be back
with a dull razor !

[ Grunting ]
I'm Reggie's little brother !

Nice try, pal !
Reggie is an only child.

What the hell's
goin' on here ?
You wanna be next ?

- Valeri !
- Oh, Christ,
not another valeri !

♪ Shoulda thought about it ♪

Oh, shit !

- ♪ Ain't no doubt
about it ♪
- hi !

[ Screaming ]
No, no, no, no !

I am not gonna hit you.
[ Panting ]

You're gonna spray
stuff in my face !

I came back to apologize.
I saw your name on the directory
downstairs.

[ Giggles ]
"Michael makeshift."
[ Chuckles weakly ]

You're not a psycho killer.
No. Killers try to kill
people. Ring a bell ?

Oh, listen,
I am really sorry.

Agh !
Oh ! Reggie never told
me he had a brother.

Let me get you some water.

What was that stuff ?

You mean my feminine
deodorant spray ?

You never heard of mace ?

Where's Reggie ?

Reggie had some business
he had to take care of.

You were sleeping,
so he asked me to watch you
for the next two days.

Two days ? He just
dumped me here
for two days ?

Did he marry me ?
I don't remember.

Actually, I remember him arguing
with moe jackley about the price
of wedding music.

- Who's moe jackley ?
- Moe impersonates Tony Roy,
the Elvis impersonator.

I really don't understand.

He impersonates an Elvis
impersonator ? Why doesn't
he just impersonate Elvis ?

Because everyone in Vegas
impersonates Elvis.

And this is who married you:
A guy who impersonates
an Elvis impersonator.

I don't know !
[ Laughs ]

I don't remember
the actual ceremony.
[ Laughs ]

Well, Reggie
kept calling you his wife,

so I assume you're married.

Are you sure ?

How did he look ?

Was he bruised ?
Was his head bashed in ?

He looked fine.
You saw no
external injuries ?

Why-- why are you
asking me this ?

Well, I don't have the
best of luck with men.

Physically.
What a shock.

But that doesn't matter now.
After all, those days
are over !

Ah ! I'm a wife !

Can you believe it ?
I'm actually married ?

[ Laughs ]
Can I use your phone ?

Yes, just don't hit me
with it.

[ Dialing ]

Mom, it's me.
Val !

Guess what ? No, guess !

Would you just guess ?

No, I'm not pregnant;
I'm married !

Yes !
Can you believe it ?

No, he doesn't have
a scratch on him !

His name
is Reggie makeshift.

And he works
for the special Olympics.
[ Crash ]

♪ [ Scat singing resumes ]

- Gentlemen.
- Candy man.

♪ Sweet candy man ♪

♪ What's happenin' now ♪

This is the ninth street
credit union,

which, despite its
rather shabby exterior,
is $40 million strong.

What the hell is a credit
union ? This was supposed
to be a bank job.

[ Sighs ]

A credit union
is very similar to a bank.

How do you Rob credit ?

It's the same concept.
It's, uh... money,

drawers, guards.

What will they call US
in the papers ?
Credit union robbers ?

That's so wordy.

♪ Oh, brother ♪

Get to the point,
candy man.

♪ The point, the point ♪

Pretending to film
a woman's birthday party
inside the credit union,

I took these rather astonishing,
exclusive pictures.

You will note one guard,
two assistant managers,

five video cameras
in various locations,

a branch manager
and four tellers.

Wow. Would you look
at the rod on that guy ?

Mmm. Quite a rod.

Turn it off.

Look, candy man.

[ Pointer whipping ]

I'm impressed that you
got a camera in there.
But it ain't worth shit.

I coulda cased the joint
myself.

A little something in the,
uh, moustache area there.

We're not interested.

Hmm. Hmm. I thoroughly
understand. Hey--

[ chuckles ]
I took a shot.

Stone, before you go,
I just wanted to ask you--

you wouldn't remotely
be interested in the security
code to the vault, would you ?

Because if you had that--
you can bypass the time
lock and silent alarms.

Voila.

How much you want ?

The price, gentlemen,
is $10,000 plus one-third
of the entire take.

The only caveat being no robbing
on Tuesdays or Thursdays.

And why the hell not ?

That's when my mother works.

♪ Oh, what a wonderful boy ♪

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Sorry I sprayed you,
but I was a bit confused.
Bye.

What ? You're leaving ?

Valeri ?
Wait, wait.

Uh, wait a second.
Don't worry, I'll tell
Reggie how nice you were.

W-w-w-wait. Give me, uh,
a minute. I'll drive you.

I can take a cab.
No, no, no. It's the least
I can do. We're family.

Okay. Thanks. It would
make things easier.
Yeah, okay. Great.

Makeshift, I been waitin'
to do this since you moved in.

You're evicted.

No, no. Mr. Ranzier,
you can't do this. Please !
O-Open the door.

Look on the bright side.
Tah-dah !

I was nice enough to leave you
your shoehorns.

- Mr. Ranzier, please, open
the door. I'll pay, I'll pay.
- How much ?

Here, my brother gave me
$200 to baby-sit his wife.

He's gonna give me $1,000
when he gets back, I swear.

You charged your own brother
for letting me sleep
on the bathroom floor ?

No, valeri, no, no.

"It's the least you can
do; We're family" ?

It was Reggie's idea.
I wasn't gonna take the money--

makeshift, you're not gonna
let that tart talk to you
like that, are you ?

Tart ?
You're calling me a tart ?

He didn't mean tart.
It's just a figure of--

valeri !
Would you let me explain ?

Please, stop.
Could you wait ?

Valeri, just let me explain !

Would you stop ?
I have no shoes !

Just back off !
I grew up with four brothers,

and two of them tried to join
the military !

Valeri, just let me explain.

Those look like shoehorns.

I collect them.

- Are you kidding ?
- Over 1,000 Americans
collect shoehorns.

There's probably over 1,000
Americans who collect snot !

Jeez, Michael,
is life so bad ?

Valeri, please,
let me give you a ride.

It's hard to explain,
but I made a promise.

People make promises all the
time; It doesn't mean anything.

It does to me !
I made a promise that I
would take care of you.

Please, please,
don't make me break my word.

That's touching,
but I don't need anyone
to take care of me.

My car is right here.

Where are the security codes,
candy man ?

Okay, let's forget that
$10,000 figure. I was way off.

I'd like to throw out
a new proposal.

Six thousand.
My final offer.

How about I throw out
a proposal ?

[ Groans ]
You give US the security codes,
things go smoothly,

you get a hundred bucks
to drive the getaway car.

[ Sighs ]
Gee, fellas,
we're so close.

I hate to blow
a negotiation, but--

damn ! Agh !
I think I broke a knuckle.

Look, Dwayne,
my hand is bleeding.

That's it, candy man.
Stone wants some answers.

I'll count to three.
One.
[ Moaning ]

You have a gun ?
I've been hitting him
for over an hour,

and you have a gun ?

Two !
I broke a knuckle,
Dwayne.

I'm gonna get blood
all over everything.

Why in the hell didn't
you tell me you had a gun ?

I don't know. I-- I thought
you liked hitting him.
[ Gun uncocks ]

Why would I like hitting him ?
I have a bad elbow.

But this is my first bank job.
I don't want to interfere.

- It's not a bank;
It's a credit union.
- Stop saying that !

Are the interest rates
the same ?

You get a better interest
rate, but you don't get
the same security.

Shut up !
Both of you !
[ Gun cocking ]

All right, candy man.

For the last time,
where did you stash the codes ?

Stone, if I told you,
I would be jeopardizing
the lives...

Of the only people
I give a dit about.

3517 marathon boulevard,
apartment 2b.

There's a woman
with a rented wedding dress
and a flowered suitcase.

You'll find the codes
in the bag.

You need directions ?

♪ Swimmin' pools, movie stars ♪

[ Rattling ]

Thank you.

Oh, wow !

Michael, would you take
my picture ? It's the first
day of my honeymoon.

There.

How do I look ?

You look beautiful.

Thank you.
[ Shutter snaps ]

Well, thanks for
the lift. See you
at Thanksgiving.

Valeri ?

Mm-hmm ?
There's something
you should know.

Reggie doesn't work
for the special Olympics.

I know that.
He's the founder.

He's the founder ?
It was his idea ?

Wasn't it ?

Yes, it was.

He's an amazing guy.
I'm sure you're gonna
be very happy.

I can't believe I'm actually
valeri makeshift !

Has a nice ring,
doesn't it ?

It always did.

♪ [ Playing softly ]

Hi, may I help you ?

Yes, I'm Mrs. Makeshift, and i'd
like my bridal suite, please.

My husband made the reservation.

Bridal suite ?
[ Computer keys clicking ]

I'm sorry. I show nothing
under the name of makeshift.

Reggie makeshift.

[ Keys clicking ]
I'm very sorry.

Reggie c. Makeshift.

Yes, uh, hello. Can I
speak to Reggie, please ?

Uh, the, uh--
candy boy !

Man. Right, right.
Candy man.

What do you mean
he's not available ?

Well, fine. Could you just
give me your address ?

Look, I just want a room.
I'll take a single.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Makeshift,
but we have been instructed...

To destroy all the credit cards
you gave US.

Those are my husband's cards !
Are you saying they're no good ?

On this one,
the word "discover" was
actually spelled with a k.

What the hell are you doing ?
That's my husband's property !

Ma'am, you're gonna
have to lower your voice.

I want my bridal suite !
Let me see makeshift !

I know it's in there !

Hi. Hi !
I'm Bob loomus,
the day manager.

- Is there a problem here ?
- Yes, Bob. There's
a big problem.

Miss bouncy tits just destroyed
three of my credit cards.

Unless I'm given a suite
in one second, I'm gonna
cut off her ponytail !

Ma, I'm fine.
Being evicted is not
the end of the world.

You can't go on like this !

- Where are you now ?
- I just dropped off valeri.

Valeri came back ?
Congratulations !

It's not my valeri;
It's Reggie's valeri.

He married her, and she
spent the night at my place.

Valeri married Reggie and then
spent the night with you ?

God, it's like
they're mormons !

Michael, listen.
Get away from these valeris !

I never liked that name.
I never liked
the name Doreen.

Rose, what the hell
are you talking about ?
The name Doreen !

Ma, I have to stop later to pick
up some of dad's old clothes.

[ Arguing ]
I'll explain it to you then.

[ Grunting ]
I will. I'll explain it
to you then.

All right.
Bye-bye.
Oh ! Ugh !

Are you all right ?
Ow !

[ Brakes squeak,
car rattles ]

[ Spits ]

Thank you.
♪ go get it ♪

Reggie ?
Candy man ?

♪ [ Heavy metal
in distance ]

[ Rough laughter ]

Reggie ?

[ Woman ]
Stop it ! Come on.

Is the candy man here ?

Who wants to know ?

- I'm his brother.
- I'm his woman.

You're his woman ?

Your name isn't valeri,
is it ?

I think candy's in the back.
I don't get involved
in his business.

Drop your robe so I can
see you're not packing.

I'm not gonna drop my robe !
I'm only wearing underwear
in here !

You want the candy man ?
Drop it.

I need to see
the whole package.

Hey. Forget it.

Satisfied ?

Not even close.

[ Door opening ]
[ Muffled ]
Hey ! Stone !

[ Muffled ]
Come on, guys.
This isn't funny.

[ Door closing ]
[ Mumbling ]

Come on, guys !
Hello !

Stone !

Hey, Mikey.
How's it going ?

What's goin' on, Reggie ?

Nothing's goin' on.
Where's valeri ?
You two havin' fun ?

Nothing's going on ?

You're tied to a chair
with a hood over your head.

Yeah, look at that.
Honest, this is nothin'.

My two business associates,
they're real jokers. Boy.

This is not business.
Being tied to a chair
is not business, Reggie !

Nobody has a business card
that reads "tied to chair."

Escape artist, Mike.
Escape artist.

[ Shrieks ]

♪ La, la, la ♪

[ Sighs ]
Oh, jeez.

Would you like a ride ?

No, thanks.
I'll walk.

You sure ? You seem
a little bit lost.

The truth is I would love
a ride, but I don't have
any money.

What about that thing
in your hand ?

- This ?
- Is that human hair ?

Yeah.

Get in.

♪ Ugh
doo, doo ♪

♪ doo, doo, doo
oh, man ♪

So two guys are out there
right now,

going to my apartment,

looking for valeri,
your wife,

who's got a suitcase
filled with information...

That is going to help these
two thugs Rob a credit union...

Where our mother is
currently the only member
of this family...

Gainfully employed ?

Why do you always have to
put such a negative slant
on everything ?

Huh ?
Come out ! Come out !
Show your face !

Ow ! Ow !
Out, devil, out !

Stop ! It hurts !

You are through
ruining my life.

I want a divorce !

Mike. Mike !

Ha. Hey, guess what
we forgot ?

Mikey !
That son of a gun.
Mike !

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ la, la, la ♪
[ Ranzier ]
Who's there ?

What do you want ?

I was wondering if you knew
where Michael makeshift was ?

Makeshift called me about a half
an hour ago; Said he was gonna
bring me a check.

He should be here soon.

Can I wait
in his apartment ?

'Fraid that's not possible.
But you could wait in here,
if you'd like.

No, thanks. I'd rather
wait in the street
like an animal.

[ Door slams ]
Michael ?

[ Crash ]
Makeshift ?

That son of a bitch
is knockin' down his door !

Michael ! God !
Who are you ?

[ Ranzier ]
I'm gonna kill you, makeshift !
You'll pay for--

oh, oh, oh.
Hey, can I help you ?

Dwayne, what are you doin' ?
Put the gun away.

Last time you yelled at me
when I didn't take it out.

I'll explain in the car.
Where's the guy
who lives here ?

- He-- he was evicted.
- Are you valeri ?

Who, me ? Valeri ?
[ Laughs hysterically ]

Do I look like a valeri ?
[ Laughs nervously ]

Dwayne, you can pull out
the gun now.

Oh, I knew it !
I was just gonna
take it out. I swear.

Shut up. Who are you ?

I'm his wife !
Candy.

Right, right.
She's my wife, Cindy.

Honey ! Did you feed
the bird ?
What ?

The bird. The bird.
I'll go down and
feed the bird.

Right, right. The bird.
She's gotta feed the bird.

Hold it ! We're looking
for a woman named valeri.

She has a case,
a flowered suitcase.

We have a bird.
It needs food.

Valeri ? Valeri ?

Oh, shit.

Michael, run !
They've got a gun !

Wait ! Uh, uh--
what about the bird ?

The poor little bird'll
starve !

You guys,
what are you doin'--
get outta my way !

[ Yelping ]

[ Crashing ]

Val-- valeri !
Just drop the bag;
That's all they want !

Everything I own is in this bag.
What, are you crazy ?
Go, go, go !

- [ Tires squealing ]
- [ Gunshots ]

Whoo !
What are you doin' ?

I shot out the window !
Why didn't you shoot
out the tires ?

Well, look at all that glass.
They'll be cleanin' it up
for weeks !

Dwayne, the object
is to get them to stop,
not send them to a car wash.

Get in the car.

♪ Bah, bah, bah ♪

Oh, my god !
I'm gonna die in a nova !

It's a corvair.
That's worse !

Those guys are ruthless
killers. They'll stop
at nothing to get this case.

Why ?
They're planning
to Rob a credit union.

It's similar to a bank.

[ Brakes screeching ]

What are you doing ?
Run the light ! The killers
could be back there !

We're okay.

We're not okay.
Run the light !

I'll pay the ticket,
if I'm not dead !
It's gonna change any second.

[ Michael yells ]

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
[ Pedestrian ]
Hey ! What the hell !

[ Pedestrian ]
People live here, man !

♪ Dum, doo, doo, doo
doo-doo ♪

♪ dum ♪

Dwayne, what are you doin' ?

You told me to pull up
alongside.

The other side !
What am I supposed to do, sit
in your lap and shoot at 'em ?

Sorry !

♪ Baby ♪

It's okay. There's traffic
up ahead. We got 'em.

We are in big trouble !
Pull into the other Lane.

Oncoming traffic ! Throw them
the case ! Throw the case !
The other Lane !

- Hit the gas !
- [ Michael screams ]

I changed my mind !
Go back ! Truck !

Hey ! Hey !
Whoo !

Jeep !
[ Jeep honking ]

What is that ?
I'm not sure, maybe
a Nissan sentra ?

Looks like a prelude.
Honda !
Honda !

[ Screeching ]

[ Pedestrians screaming ]

Whoo !

[ Both screaming ]
We did it !

I know ! I know !

Could you take your foot
off the gas ?
Oh, sorry.

I-- I have my mom's
auto club card.

Do you...
Want me to call ?

♪ Bah, doo-doo, bah, doo-doo ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh
the night has fallen ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh
all around US ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh
here we are now ♪

♪ a-singin' sounds ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh
who can tell now ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh
what will happen ♪

♪ a hot spot
the plot thickens ♪

♪ ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
a hardware store ! What are we
gonna do, build a hideout ?

♪ Or maybe not
ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

My father opened this store
in 1963.

I was the assistant manager
for 12 years,

'til the bank foreclosed two
weeks after Reggie took over.

Hello ? Operator.
Can anyone hear me ?

I need the police !
No, no, no, no !
Valeri ! Hang up !

Stand back, Michael !
I'm tired of this shit !

This is my honeymoon !
My special day I dreamt
about all my entire life,

when everything was finally
supposed to be perfect !

When I wear my new nightie
and drink champagne...

And have a candlelit dinner
for two at some ritzy hotel
on a white sand beach...

In some third world country
where jealous little peasants
stare up at me...

Like I was a goddamn queen !

So back off !
I'm calling the cops.

Valeri.
What ?

The phone is dead.

And we can't go
to the police.
Why not ?

Because I can't call the cops
on my only brother.

Oh. So now you're
blaming Reggie for this.

Reggie doesn't work
for the special Olympics.

Let me-- let me
show you something.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Look at this.

What's this ?
Security codes to a vault.

The vault those men
are planning to Rob.

How did those
get in there ?

What are you saying ?
I married a bank robber ?

It's a credit union.

Are you telling me
that everything...

Reggie c. Makeshift
told me is one big lie ?

Even the c.

He didn't give up a kidney
for that kid in Rhode Island ?

You'd probably need
a valid driver's license
for something like that.

He wasn't knighted by prince
Harry, televised by CNN ?

I think prince Harry's
only six.

Valeri, it's gonna be okay.
I can't believe
it's happening again.

Tell me it's
not happening again.

I'm cursed.

I'm a black cloud,
an evil trinket !

I've been left at the altar
by three different men:

Two almost died,
and one is missing !

I'm sure it's not that.
My first wedding was in
shadow ranch state park.

Just before the ceremony, Josh
was mauled by a mountain lion.

He ended up marrying
the perky little nurse
from the emergency room.

The bitch was after him
from the moment
she could find a pulse !

He can't remember asking me
to marry him, yet the bastard
sure remembers how to walk !

And how to eat soup !

I saw two of my ex-girlfriends
on Oprah. One had become a man.

The other was dating him.

I saw that episode.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]
My last fiance Tony was with me
on the cruise two weeks ago.

We wanted to get married
at sea.

But when the captain asked
for the "I do's,"

Tony started to hyperventilate.

All of a sudden he just ran
across the lido deck,

jumped over a few lounge chairs
and dove off of the back
of the boat.

You see, Michael, I destroy
every man I fall for.

And you met my brother
on that cruise ?

I don't know what I would
have done if I hadn't met
Reggie in the bar.

He was even more depressed
than I was.

Reggie was depressed ?

He told me about his wife's
water-skiing accident and how
he'd been driving the boat.

He was riddled with guilt.

Helpless.

We were soul mates
in the stormy sea of life.

We weren't soul mates
in the stormy sea of life ?

He didn't accidentally drive
his wife into a buoy, did he ?

Yes, he did. Right
into the buoy. Splat.

She will be missed.
I can't believe it.
I am so stupid.

I don't know why I thought
I would have a perfect night.

A real honeymoon.
Valeri,
it's gonna be okay.

You're gonna get
everything you want.

You really think so ?

Yes, I do.

Michael, why didn't you
tell me about Reggie
in front of the hotel ?

Why did you cover for him ?

'Cause you were so happy.

I didn't want to be the one
to hurt you.

I'm sorry.

You know something ?

You're nothing
like your brother.

[ Grunting ]
Look at this.

Hey, stone,
can you read the label ?
Dry clean or launder ?

Shut up. Keep workin'.
I can remember six
or seven years ago,

nobody ate Turkey.

Now everybody eats Turkey.
Turkey burgers.

Right ?
Turkey sausage.

Hey, I used to eat
ham and cheese, man.

Not anymore. Now it's
Turkey this, Turkey that.
[ Tools clanking ]

Sometimes I wonder what
animal's gonna be next.

You know ?

Duck. I bet you
it's duck.

You know how much I wish
I could kill you right now ?

[ Tools clanking ]
Duck's now
in the same position...

Turkey was in
ten years ago.

It's like they're
in the on-deck circle.

Or the on-duck circle.
[ Snickers ]

[ Giggling ]
That's good.

On-duck circle. Did you
hear that, stone ?

Say one more word, candy man,
I'm puttin' you in the trunk.

I won't say another word.
Not another quack.
[ Snickers ]

[ Reggie ]
Come on, guys.
Let me outta here !

This trunk is killin'
my clothes ! I can help
you look for the car.

Six eyes are better
than four.
Actually it's three, not four.

What do you mean ?
Why three ?
Stone has a glass eye.

Get outta here !
Which one ?
The one that's Navy blue.

Drop it.
Ooh. Navy blue !

[ Reggie ]
Stone, you fashion victim.
Gray-- not such a liability.

[ Exhales ]
You look beautiful.

It was
for my honeymoon.

Come on. There's something
I want to show you.

I already have
an electric sander.

[ Chuckles ]
Come on.

Oh, my stars !
[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Door closes ]

It suddenly occurred to me
that you had a wedding
with no reception.

So.

Oh !

How did you do this ?
It really
wasn't that hard.

It's my favorite--
latticework and string lights
and a circuit box--

bougainvillaeas !

Couple boxes
of tenpenny nails...

And a model 358 glue gun
with a little--

- maybe it's best
if I don't know.
- Probably best if you don't.

It's really beautiful.

Come on. You sit there.
Over here. Over there.

Would you, uh,
like some wine ?

You're kidding !
Where'd you get red wine ?

I didn't. This is the color
of the tap water here
in Los Angeles.

Cheers.
Cheers.

[ Clears throat ]
Looks like we're
the only ones coming.

Oh, yeah, well.

You know, the party's always
a little slow to get started...

Until...

The band...

♪ [ Romantic ]
Starts to play.

Come on,
let's dance.

Oh, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes.

Really, no.
Really, no.

Uh, no, no, no.
Really, yes.

I'm not--
i'm--

[ woman ]
♪ but then a light bursts
through to guide me ♪

♪ like an old familiar feeling ♪
this isn't so bad.

No, this isn't bad.

Not even close to bad...

For one night.

On the balcony
of a ritzy hotel.

On a white Sandy beach.

Thank you.

[ Man, woman ]
♪ 'cause love is one
of those stranger things ♪

♪ that only a stranger brings ♪

♪ and suddenly everything
seems simple and-- ♪

[ Radio dies ]

I guess the band
went on a break.

Yeah.

[ Hand thuds ]

That's always my favorite
part of the wedding:

The bride and groom's
first dance.

Do you ever really
look at their faces ?

It's like those people
are listening to the most
wonderful music,

and nobody else
can hear it.

My favorite
part's the cake.

[ Chuckles ]

When I see
the bride and groom
feeding each other,

I lose it every time.

This makes you cry,
people eating cake ?

Mm-hmm. I know
it sounds silly,

but when I see two people
in love with their arms crossed,

and about to take that bite--

for that brief moment,
it always looks like they're
gonna live happily ever after.

And I cry.

Why ?

'Cause I think I'll never
have the chance to taste it.

[ Squeaks ]

[ Man in distance ]
Hey, don't mess with the TV !

[ Yelling ]
Sorry !

[ Chuckles ]

What are you doing ?

What does it look
like I'm doing ?

This doesn't count !

This is a pity feed !

No, it's not.
I really want to feed you.

[ Laughing ]
This doesn't work this way.

Show me
how to do it.

I danced.

All right.

All right.

Okay, they cross arms
like this.

Okay.
[ Chuckles ]

Now what ?

Uh, the, uh, band
starts the drumroll,

and the photographer
gets in position--

and then we bite.
No !

First you have
to whisper something to me.

They always whisper
just before the bite.

What should I say ?

Say something romantic.

Tell me
I don't make you nauseous.

[ Whispering ]
Valeri,

you don't
make me nauseous.

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

What am I doin' ?
This is crazy.

This is crazy.

What do you mean ?

The deal is over.

Reggie paid me
and I did my job...

And now I'm leaving.

Michael,
what did you say ?

Nothing. It's been
a really rough day.
Michael.

Have you ever
had a broken heart ?

A broken heart ?
Yes.

Every woman that I've
ever fallen for has left me.

Before valeri,
I was crushed by a Lynn.

Before Lynn, I was
devastated by an Alison,

two Debbies, and a Brenda.

I've gone
through a Josh, a ray,

two Tonys, four steves,
and a Doug.

That's a lot
of steves.

Do you ever think
we'll stop falling in love
with the wrong people ?

My mother has a theory
about that.

What's her theory ?

Love is shit, valeri.

Love is shit, Michael.

I'm-- i'm--
I'm gonna go...

Sleep in the car.

Are you sure ?

Yeah ! Positive.

- Is that what you want ?
- Yeah.

I mean, we both know
that you belong with Reggie.

And we both know
you belong with valeri.

Well, I'm glad
we got that settled.

Good night, valeri.

[ Cooing ]

[ Metal clanging ]

[ Clanging continues ]

Michael, is that you ?

Good morning, valeri.
I hope you slept well.

Don't touch me,
you ape face !
[ Groans ]

Oh, wow ! That's
gotta hurt, huh ?

- [ Valeri grunts ]
- [ Dwayne groans ]

- [ Strained voice ]
Hold it !
- [ Screams ]

Just give US the case.

Dwayne, grab the girl.
[ Snoring ]

Dwayne ?

♪ Wake up, get out of bed
wake up ♪

[ Groans ]

♪ Wake up
but watch your head ♪

♪ I said wake up ♪

♪ bah, boom, boom, boom ♪

Valeri ?
♪ she's gone
you know it, Mikey ♪

Valeri !
♪ don't blow it ♪

♪ bah, bah, boom
bah, bah, bah ♪

I can't believe it.

I lost another one !
♪ oh ♪

Kid, get your helmet on.
You're gonna get your head
blowed off !

I don't care.
I want my head blown off.

Go ahead !
Kill me !

Who was I kidding ?
She never would have kissed me.

She was in love with Reggie !
They're always in love
with Reggie.

Jesus ! Why don't
you people take some lessons ?

Makeshift, it's okay, kid.
You got the fever.
It's just the fever !

This is a golf range, gray !

It's not lai chau !

It's time to face the truth.
Valeri wasn't gonna marry me
in the spring !

She walked out !
They always walk out !
That's what valeris do !

Get a hold of yourself !

But I'm not gonna-- ow !
But I'm not gonna let her !

I'm a man, gray !
It's time for me to fight back !

You can make it, kid.
I'll cover you.

[ Golf clubs swinging,
balls whooshing ]

[ Reggie ]
When did I ever say that
to you? I never did-- hi.

There's been a slight change
of plans. In one hour
we take the credit union.

But this is Thursday.
You said you were going in
on Friday.

I lied, and I'm gonna
need you both on the inside.

[ Laughs ]
What, are you nuts ?
I can't do that !

She's right.
There's no way valeri and I
are gonna Rob a credit union.

Okay, good.
I'm in.
Me too.

♪ [ Heavy metal ]

Well, well.
The b.V.D. Kid.

What do you want ?

Where's the candy man ?
I need to see his wife.

I told you, I'm his woman.

Oh, you poor thing.
[ Grunts ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Yelling ]

What is this ?

Now, I'm not
gonna ask you again.
Where is the candy man ?

♪ [ Scat singing resumes ]

♪ Bah, dah, bah ♪

♪ bah, dah, bah, bah, bah ♪

What the hell is this ?
These nylons are black.

And they're panty hose !
I know.

Stone, you are gonna look
so cool in there.

Dwayne, we're not going
to a goddamn cocktail party.

How am I supposed to see
through black panty hose ?

- I'll cut out eyeholes.
- Hole.

- I'll cut out an eyehole.
- I'm not walkin' in that bank
with one hole !

- I need two holes.
- It's a credit union.

Shut up !
I know what it is.

Where do you
want your hole ?
Stop saying that !

Could we
go over the plan
one more time ?

All right.
Candy man, valeri,

keep the drawers open
and the tellers
away from the windows.

- How do we do that ?
- With these.

Okay, boys, don't move,
or we'll blow your heads off.

You stupid pigs ! I chipped
six nails in that trunk.

And maybe next time you'll
think twice before you mess
with the candy man.

Do you really think
we would hand you loaded guns ?

Shit !
Stone, I'm sorry.

What ?
I forgot to Mark
which guns were loaded.

You forgot !

I thought
I had everything memorized.

- Dwayne !
- Dwayne !
- Dwayne !

So now what ?

[ Hammers cocking,
gunshots ]

[ Exhales ]
Okay, so to review.

We'll be moving the tellers
away from the window.

Any chance I could wear
those panty hose ? Just joking.

[ Phone ringing,
indistinct conversations ]

And your kids, bev.
How are they ?

Ah, knock wood.
Both are doing vewell.

[ Grunts ]
[ People gasp ]

[ Snaps ]
[ Screams ]

[ People screaming ]

Everyone move away from those
windows and keep your hands
on your heads !

[ People screaming, crying ]

[ Beeping ]

Let's go.

I said, get your hands up !
Not you !

I told you
to get the glad garbage bags,
the large garbage bags !

These were cheaper.
These are kitchen bags !

Now we gotta
make numerous trips to the car.

[ Whimpering ]
You people behind the counter.
Go, go, go, go, go !

That lady's movin', candy man.
Do somethin' !

Lady, just stay--
stay where you are--

stay where you are,
[ Hostages ]
Sorry. Excuse me.

And you--
and you won't get hurt.

- What did you say ?
- I said--

[ imitating street language ]
I said, nail your ass
to the floor,

or I'll shoot your ass off.

Reggie, is that you ?

Don't you be messin'
with no candy man !

Reggie, it is you !

Mrs. Gelder, you remember
my oldest son, Reggie.

- Hello, Mrs. Gelder.
- This is doing well ?

Ma, they made valeri and me
do this. They took US hostage.

This--
this is valeri ?

Oh, valeri.
So nice to meet you,
Mrs. Makeshift.

- Knock off the small talk,
candy man !
- Mom, give me a break here ?

Give you a break ?
You have a gun.
Relax, the gun isn't loaded.

The gun
isn't loaded ?

She's just kidding.
This gun is so veloaded,

and I'm a damn good shot !

Candy man, keep 'em covered.
We'll be right back.

All right, nobody move !
[ People gasping, whimpering ]

Who's this ?
Oh, it's Michael,
my baby.

All right, back, back !

Back up.
All right, uh, uh--

guns ! Down !

Stone, we gotta
get outta here.

Don't you move !
No one's walking out
on me this time.

Okay, hotshot.
What's the plan ?

Plan ?

[ Scoffs ]
You want the plan ?

I don't think
he has a plan.

Of course, he has a plan.
What kind of schmuck
do you think I raised ?

- Michael, sweetheart,
tell everybody the plan.
- Ma, just stay outta this.

Come on, pal, get smart.
Let US go and you won't
get hurt.

[ Police sirens wailing ]
Stone, do you
hear that ?

Cops !
[ Grunting ]

[ Tires squealing,
sirens stop ]

[ Man ]
Get back ! Okay, got it.

[ Whistle blowing,
confused yelling ]

Hold it there.
Step back.

How many in there ?
Witnesses say it started
with four armed gunmen.

A few minutes later
a fifth showed up.

One of them
was late ?

I guess so.

Stone, there must be
20 cops out there.

This is captain Kyle Cole
of the Los Angeles
police department.

You have five minutes to come
out with your hands in the air.

Mikey, this is crazy.
The cops are out there.
Let them handle this !

- No, I am handling this !
- Captain, I'd like to report
a 211 in progress.

No shit.
What do you think
we're doing here ?

No, sir, it's not the credit
union; It's the stop n' shop
next door.

[ Man shouting ]
I'm not kiddin' around here.

The call just came in.
There's an armed gunman
with a hostage.

We better call for backup.
[ Officer ]
Everybody's already here.

Okay, have some of those fellas
stand about four feet over.

Where should we stand ?

I guess somewhere
in the middle.

[ Stone ]
Back off, cops !
We got hostages !

[ On bullhorn ]
This is captain Kyle Cole of the
Los Angeles police department !

You have five minutes to come
out with your hands in the air.

You already said that !

I'm not talking to you, bozo.
I'm talking to the guy
in the stop n' shop.

Oh.

All right.

What are your demands ?

Who are you
talkin' to now ?

Me or the stop n' shop guy ?

- You !
- They want demands.

- Anything you want; It's yours.
- There's only one thing I want.

Name it.

Your wife.

Michael, what the hell
are you talking about ?

Valeri, let's run
out of here right now...

And do what we
should have done last night.

What are you saying ?

I'm saying we
should have taken a bite.

Michael, stop this !
Leave Reggie's wife alone.

She's right, Michael.
I'm married.

E-e-e-e-e. A little flag
on the play here.

Actually, valeri
and I aren't technically,

you know... married.

- What ?
- This is better
than my soaps.

Remember when we walked down
the aisle, and moe jackley asked
if you would take this man ?

And just before you passed out,

you managed to say one thing.

[ Hostage ]
What did she say ?

I do. I betcha she said,
"I do."

He just said they're not
married. Pay attention.

Reggie, please.

Tell me what I said.

No.

You said no.

I was gonna say that too.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Man ]
Back off, cops,
or I'll start shooting.

Who said that ?
It's hard to tell.

- What's goin' on here ?
- Who are you ?

Reggie ?
No, it's-- it's true, ma.

It's time to--
time to come clean.

Michael is the real hero;
I'm just a...

- Loser.
- Loser.

Two-bit...

Hustler.
Hustler.

Yeah.
Thanks for sharing, ma.

I have something
that finger should have.

- That looks like a shoehorn.
- Don't ask.

Send out a hostage,
then we can negotiate.

- US ?
- Yes !

They want a hostage.

M-Maybe I should go because...

I'm beginning to feel
like a fifth wheel.
Is that-- yeah.

No ! I'll go.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[ Michael ]
Valeri, wait !

You want to leave me ?

Didn't you hear what Reggie
just said ? What I said ?

It won't work,
Michael !

Just look out there !
There's 120 people
with guns.

And look at yourself.
What do you think
they're waiting for ?

If I stay with you--
if I wear your horn,

something
terrible will happen;
We both know it.

No, val !
And I'm not gonna
let that happen...

Because I'm gonna run
out of here just as fast
and as far as I can.

And I won't ever
think of you again.

I'll try to forget
how happy you made me...

For a moment,

an almost
perfect moment.

Valeri.

Good-bye, Michael.

Be careful.

Bev. Bev, it's me, Morton.

Hey, it's dad !

Mor--
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my god !

[ Morton ]
Bev, I spent
two long years at sea,

but I found no treasure.

No, bev.
You are the only treasure
a man could ever want.

I wanna come back, bev.

Please, I'm begging you.

Shut up, crazy person.
Drop dead !

Bev, I bought back
the hardware store.

I'm gonna ask Michael and Reggie
to help me run it.

Not here, putz.
We'll talk about it
at home.

Oh, bev !
I'll order Chinese.

You see, ma ?
Love isn't shit.

Okay, you got me.

What are you standing here
like John Wayne for ?

Go. Ride off into the sunset.

If you get her,
we'll eat around 6:30.

Thanks, ma.
Yeah, thanks, ma.

Hold it, pal.
You're not goin' anywhere.

What are you doin' ?
What are you doin' ?
I got a gun !

Yeah, but it takes a man
to use it. Drop it !

All right ! All right,
I can't take this anymore !

Shoot me ! I've been cheating
on my wife. It's been going on
for months.

I met her at the mall.
She sells yogurt.

She's only 19 !
[ Crying ]

[ Reggie ]
Get yourself a life !

[ Michael ]
We have a situation here.

This is gonna be glorious.

Everybody say good night
to the makeshift brothers.

- [ People gasping ]
- [ Guns clicking ]

Oh, Dwayne.

[ Exhales ]
Wow !

[ Laughs ]
What are the odds, I'd pull
the two empties, huh ?

I bet it was eight to one.

[ Yelling, screaming ]

[ Officer ]
Go, go, go, go !

[ Screams ]

♪ [ Scat singing resumes ]

[ Officer ]
Freeze or I'll
blow your brains out.

Hands up.
Move against the wall.

You two, get up !

[ Officer ]
Get your hands up.
♪ busted ♪

Officer, these are my sons !
They had nothing
to do with this.

Is that so ?
[ Dwayne ]
Yeah.

[ Growls ]
Ow ! What ?

You are really
not very good at this.

Look !
You have to let him go.

He's in love with his
brother's wife who said no,
so she's technically available,

and I think she's ready
to say yes if you'll
just give him the chance !

Captain, I have no idea what
this woman's talking about.

Would you please--
come on, she's getting away !

Let 'em go.
Yes !
Yes !

Yes !
Come on, let's go.

Where ?

Officer, did you see
that hostage that was released ?

She's kind of a babe, actually.

Did you see
which way she went ?

That way.
Thanks.

[ Shudders ]
What are you waiting for ?
Go get her !

Reggie, the thing
you said inside.

The loser ? What the hell
you talkin' about ?

I was putting you on a level
playing field so you got
a clean shot at valeri.

What, are you nuts ?
Oh ! I have such a deal--

three simple words:
Volvo, dealership, Haiti.

Reggie, I gotta go.
If this baby comes through,
we'll be on easy street,

and I'm takin' you with me,
straight to the top !

[ Laughs ]
Woodgie, woodgie.

Woodgie, woodgie.

What does that mean,
little brother ?
Woodgie, woodgie.

I must be an ass.

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ bah, bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

Valeri !

- Valeri.
- Michael, go away, please.

Valeri.

♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

Excuse me.
Yeah ?

Thank you.
Hey ! You gonna
pay for that cake ?

If she eats this,
I'll pay for a whole wedding.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

Michael, you'll be killed !
Michael, please, we're not the
luckiest people on the planet.

Maybe we are.

We just don't
know it yet.

♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

[ Horns honking,
brakes screeching ]

[ Driver ]
What the hell
are you doing ?

♪ Ah, ah ♪

[ Horn blaring ]

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ bah, bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ bah, bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ooh ♪

I love you,
Michael makeshift.

I love you,
valeri--

valeri ?

Carboni.

- Not for long.
- You mean it ?

I do.

[ Both laughing ]

Oh-h-h.
♪ bye, bye, bye
bye, bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ to the ones that came before ♪

♪ why, why, why
did I let 'em in my door ♪

♪ though I tried to deny
what I feel inside ♪

♪ it's you I can't ignore ♪

♪ I, I, I could love you more ♪

♪ we make a song
that sounds so sweet ♪

♪ lovely melody in a true heart
pounds and beat ♪

♪ dictionary isn't necessary
for the song to be complete ♪

♪ though the words are missin'
darlin', when we're kissin' ♪

♪ it's a philharmonic treat ♪

♪ and you can scrap your weddin'
dump my baby ♪

♪ you can feel your way along ♪

♪ you can improvise
you can harmonize
to realize their song ♪

♪ let your soul sing
and the whole thing
will be as it should be ♪

♪ come on, darling
give me tra-la-las ♪

♪ get a song of love to me ♪

♪ [ scat singing ]

Closed-captioned by
captions, inc. Los Angeles

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
this is music to my ear ♪

♪ so you know
you never had cause to fear ♪

♪ but it sounds absurd
you got a way with words ♪

♪ let me tell you
that the way is clear ♪

♪ if you love the singin'
and the song's a ringer ♪

♪ so let the whole world hear ♪

♪ you can scrap your weddin'
dump my baby ♪

♪ you can feel your way along ♪

♪ you can improvise
you can harmonize
to equalize this song ♪

♪ let your soul sing
and the whole thing
will be as it should be ♪

♪ come on, darlin'
give me tra-la-las ♪

♪ get a song of love to me ♪

[ Man ]
♪ strange
this place I'm near ♪

♪ I can't begin
to know ♪

♪ I just hang on
and go my way ♪

[ Man, woman ]
♪ and change

[ woman ]
♪ is all around ♪

♪ but all
I've found so far

♪ has left me
chained and bound ♪

♪ but then a light
bursts through
to guide me ♪

♪ like an old
familiar feeling ♪

♪ so it's strange
I don't know
what to say or do ♪

♪ now there's
a whole new man
inside me ♪

♪ and my senses
are all reelin' ♪

♪ can it be
that all of this ♪

♪ is all because of you ♪

♪ 'cause love
is one of those
stranger things ♪

♪ that only
a stranger brings ♪

♪ and suddenly everything ♪

♪ seems simple
and right ♪

♪ let's listen
when strangers call ♪

♪ 'cause it isn't
strange at all ♪

♪ if you and I
start to fall ♪

♪ together tonight ♪

♪ Oh, here we are
as lovers ♪

♪ and I'm very much
aware now ♪

♪ we are strangers
in a very strange
new land ♪

♪ when you look
at all the others ♪

♪ I don't think
that they compare now ♪

♪ so I no longer care ♪

♪ if I don't understand ♪

♪ 'cause love is
one of those
stranger things ♪

♪ that only
a stranger brings ♪

♪ and suddenly everything ♪

♪ seems simple
and right ♪