Fiddlers Three (1948) - full transcript

[♪]

[FIDDLING]

STOOGES:
♪ Old King Cole
Is a merry old soul ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
It's plain to see ♪

♪ He called for his pipe,
He called for his bowl ♪

♪ And he always called
For his fiddlers three ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Old King Cole
You're a merry old soul ♪

♪ Without a care
And fancy-free ♪

♪ Please call for your pipe-- ♪
Pipe.

♪ Please call for your bowl-- ♪
Bowl.



♪ And here are
Your fiddlers three ♪

♪ That's we ♪

Ah, ha, ha, ha.

[CHUCKLING]

'Twas good, my lads.
'Twas very good.

And now for our daily laugh.

There's nothing so good
for the soul as a hearty laugh.

Everybody laugh!

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

I say there, while the king
is in a merry mood,

let us ask him if...

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Your majesty,
our sweethearts have threatened



to giveth us the gate
unless we marry them soon.

We beg your permission.

Permission granted.

But not until
after Princess Alicia

has wed Prince Gallant III
of Rhododendron.

But, sire,
when will that be-eth?

When the flowers bloom
in the spring, tra la.

♪ Tra la la la
La la la la la, ♪

♪ We're going to wed
In the spring ♪

♪ Tra la la la la la la la, ♪

♪ We're going to wed
In the spring ♪

I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.

Gadzooks, I'd planned
to marry the princess myself,

and someday rule
this kingdom.

Well, why not, your grace?
Huh?

My soldiers could always...

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Father, I beg leave.

KING:
Granted.

Come, my fiddlers,
give us a song.

[FIDDLING]

♪ Jack and Jill went up a hill ♪

♪ Jack Sprat could eat no fat ♪

♪ Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack ♪

♪ Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick ♪

♪ Jack jump over
The candlestick ♪

♪ Jack jump over
The candlestick ♪

Jump!

[SIZZLING]

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Excellent.
That was excellent.

♪ Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet ♪

♪ Eating her curds and whey ♪

♪ Along came a spider
And sat down beside her ♪

♪ And frightened
Miss Muffet away ♪

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

♪ Simple Simon met a pieman ♪

♪ Going to the fair ♪

♪ Said Simple Simon
To the pieman ♪

Let me taste your ware.

♪ Said the pieman
To Simple Simon ♪

Show me first
your penny.

♪ Said Simple Simon
To the pieman ♪

Scram, you don't get any.

[GROANS]

[LAUGHING]

Capital, capital.

MAN:
Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.

Princess Alicia has been
abducted by some knaves

I did not recognize.

Call out the guards.
Telephone the newspapers.

Notify the FBI.

The FBI?

Yes, Flanagan, Branagan
and Iskovitch. Detectives.

Woe is me.

Shempeth.
Larryeth.

Spring is around
the corner.

We must get the princess back,
or we cannot be wed.

Quite so.
Quite quite.

Your Majesty,
publicity of the abduction

would keep the tourists away
from Coleslaw-vania.

Let us, your fiddlers three,
rescue the fair princess.

You're brave men,
my fiddlers.

Rescue the fair princess,
and I shall reward you.

Thank you, sire.
Ooh!

To horse, to horse,
we will scour the countryside.

Wait, our steed
is not shod.

Sue has not a shoe.

Then we will shoe Sue.

For if Sue has no shoe,
shoeing Sue we must do.

Shoe.
Shoe.

Shoe. Shoe.
Shoe.

Shoe. Shoe.
Shoe.

Shoe. Shoe.
Shoe. Shoe.

[IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE]

Blacksmith!

Blacksmith!
Blacksmith!

Blacksmith,
where art thou?

Wait a minute.

"Gone to rest under
the spreading chestnut tree.

Will idge, Blacksmith."

Shempeth, get yon fellas
and keep the forge red-hot.

We'll shoe Sue ourselves.

Larryeth, stoke yon fire.

I'll help thee.

BELLOWS:
B.O.! B.O.!

B.O.!

Whew!

Your best friend
should tell thee.

Shaketh a leg
with yon bellows.

Faneth me with the breeze
from yon bellows

lest I suffocate
from the heat.

Nay, but I cannot.

Pump yon bellows,
varlet. Pump!

See-eth?

Giveth it to me.
Thou art a lamebrain.

Stopeth this nonsense.

Hath thou forgotten
the princess?

Oh,
buttoneth up thy lip.

Strange. There was water
just a second ago.

[CHUCKLING]

[CHIMING]

Maketh haste and get some
hot horseshoes from yon forge.

Time marcheth on.

Take this hammer
and beat the shoe.

Nay, I have not the heart
to beat an innocent shoe.

Thou art a dumb cluck.
Ooh.

[SIZZLING]
[YELLING]

[HISSING]

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Oh. Ah, ah.

You bringeth
Sue forward.

Larryeth,
you helpeth him.

LARRY:
That's a way, girl.

That's a way, girl.
That's it.

Shempeth, lift the mule's foot
and pass it to me.

Okayeth.

Susie, lift your leg now.
Come on, Susie, lift your leg.

Don't be stubborn.
Come on, Susie.

Lift your leg, Susie.

[YELLING]

Idiot. Thou hast made me
shoe the wrong mule.

Hold still.

Hold still now.

Oh! Ow!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I think you didst
that on purpose.

Quiet. See that?
Yes.

Oh! Oh. Oh, oh.

[SUE MOANING]

Letteth a man show you
how to shoe Sue.

I will fix thee,
wise guy.

This hammer
will hold thy tail down.

Yes, sir, smarty cat.

Now, giveth me thy foot.

Giveth me.

Moe!

Oh!
Whoa.

[CRASHING]

[ALL GROANING]

Where are we?

Let's get out of here.

Let's find out.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Quiet, lads.
Quiet.

We must listen
for the signal bell.

Then we will push the princess
up the ladder

into the magician's box.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So they've got
the princess.

We gotta do something.

But they're heavily armed,
and they outnumber us.

Let me at 'em.
I'll tear 'em limb for limb.

Let me at 'em.
Well, what's keepin' ya?

Me.
Go on.

Think.

Then it is agreed,
Your Majesty,

that if I recover the Princess
Alicia through my magic,

I may have her hand
in marriage?

Yes, yes.

Just bring back
my daughter unharmed.

Your majesty will observe
that the box is quite empty.

Now then, Your Majesty,

I will take my magic robe
and with the three magic words:

Abracadabra. Abracadabra.

Abracadabra.

Now then, Your Majesty.

Now, your majesty,
watch yon box closely,

and I will perform my magic.

I will take yon maiden
and saw her in half,

and in her stead
will appear the princess,

completely unharmed.

Observe.

[SQUEAKING]

I got it. I got it.
What?

What?
A terrific headache.

Get out, you.

Listen, we gotta
use straged--

We gotta use--
Strategy.

Who's asking you?
Ooh! Ooh!

Get out of here.

Listen,
this is what we gotta do.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

[MEN LAUGHING]

Nyah-nyah!

Nyah-nyah!

[YELLING]

Fear not, princess.

I, Shempeth,
shall release thee.

Scrameth, princess.
Scrameth.

[CHUCKLING]

Aw, now to quencheth my thirst.

Greetings.

[YELLING]

The princess!
The princess is gone!

Where's the princess?

Take these miserable wretches
to the dungeon,

and we'll do away with them.
Forward!

[ALL WHISTLING]

Hey, come on.

Oh,
get out of there.

Quick,
upeth the ladder.

Water, water.

Upeth the ladder.

MOE:
Quiet.

SHEMP:
I needeth some water.

'Twas a narrow escape.

I think we're safe in this box.

[GROANING]

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

You nitwit.

Shut up. Shut up.
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Heh.

Oh, sire.

My daughter. My daughter.
Bringeth her forth.

Patience, sire. Patience.

I now take these swords,
for my magic is the greatest,

and I plunge it in the box.

Larry, helpeth me.

Sh.

Ooh.

Oh.

[GROANS]

Oh.
Oh.

Oh.
Oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Ow!

[YELLING]

They got me!
They got me!

Oh, no blood.
No blood.

[CHUCKLING]

Father.
Daughter.

Murgatroid is the culprit.
He had me abducted.

[STOOGES MUMBLING]

Abduct her, eh?

Ow, ow!

Ow! Ow. Ow.

[MEN WHISTLING]

Water.
I must haveth water.

If I-- Oh.

Moeth, Larryeth,
get a plumber.

I think I sprung a leak.

[♪]