Feed the Fish (2010) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We're here today with local
Venice Beach children's author

Joe Peterson, who has
exploded onto the scene

with what is going to be a
series of nine tough love kids'

books.

Hello, Joe.
-Hi, Aaron.

How are you?
-OK.

Look at these kids--
this is incredible.

So what can you tell us
about this tough love aspect?

It reminds me of the books
I read when I was a kid.

No coddling.



This is not a warm
and fuzzy book.

It's not every day you
have a cuddly little kitten

devoured by vicious piranha.

That's true.

I think that the parents
respond to the moral lesson.

You know, if you don't
listen to your parents,

something bad will happen.

And I think the kids really
respond to the violence,

you know?

I think that kids actually
really like violence.

Who likes violence here?

KIDS: Yay--

And fortunately,
cats have nine lives,

so this little
kitty will be back



for eight more hard lessons,
and a collector's box

set, no doubt.

-We hope so.
-OK.

The author of "Mr. Kitty
Feeds the Fish," Joe Peterson.

Thanks for being with us, Joe.

Thanks for having me.

In Venice Beach,
I'm Aaron Aaronson.

Back to you in the studio.

[MUSIC - TD LIND]

Back from being lost,
lady, I got sidetracked,

yes, easily done.

Because sometimes
you get so jaded,

you get caught up, hung by a
thread on that invisible hub.

We are the words
that never get said.

We are the voices banging
'round in our heads.

We all believe we're original
ones, some just hit rock bottom

and just don't get up.

I just saw rock bottom
so I filled my cup.

Ooh-- Ooh--

JOE: I ran into this woman
today out on the boardwalk.

She had these-- these
four dogs with her.

And they were all tied to
four different leashes,

and they were
yapping, and, and she

had this one that was-- she
was holding it at her chest,

and he was a baby.

Guess what they were wearing?

Woolly sweaters.

Frank?
Question.

Do you think they have
those little woolly sweaters

for every day, or just
for the cold days?

I mean, do they feel
naked if they go

outside without any clothes on?

You thirsty?

There you go.

Hi.
-Come on, babe.

When are you going to
take care of this stuff?

My day was great.

Thank you very much.

Some of those are
from today, you know.

God, why haven't
you paid this yet?

When did you get your advance?

March.

And you sent the book in, when?

July?

Ooh, hey, look-- ha, ha, ha.

Here's one from the publisher.

Oh, but I guess it's
not that important.

Lorraine, it's not done.

There's something missing.

There's no magic.

No-- no-- no magic.

Your deadline was
six months ago.

And they paid you already.

I'm working on it.

You know what?

We can talk about this
"again" when you get back,

and when I get back.

But can you please just,
I mean-- get it together?

[CLUNK]

What is this?

Joe?

JP.

What are we doing?

Oh, [INAUDIBLE]--
we're fighting.

So, uh, how's, how's
the new book coming?

It's about a fly, you said?

I thought it was about a cat.

A lost fly.

I'll show you.

You see, he's out
looking for rotted fruit

for his little maggots.

And then he gets trapped
in a passing car.

And then he gets swept
away from his family.

Huh.

Kind of a homeward
bound, feel good story.

Yeah.

-Who wants to grab a beer?
-I do.

Da da da-- dad's gift.

Let's check this out.

Two plane tickets, and
a near-death experience.

Every man in my family,
after his 35th birthday,

comes here and takes the plunge.

Everyone in my family.

My father, his father,
his father's father--

Your family's insane.

Yes.

But all of those fathers
swear that there's

nothing better than
jumping into ice

cold water on Christmas Day.

Sets your spirit straight.

Washes away your past.

Fresh start.

And wasn't that the whole
idea for the trip anyway?

We go away, I train for
the Polar Bear Plunge,

and you, uh--
-And I write my book.

Exactly.

I'm telling you this, this
place is perfect for you.

Peaceful, quiet,
remote, no distractions.

A little "Joe time"
as a bachelor.

Mm.

I could definitely spend a
little time away from Lorraine.

Yeah, she's nuts.

-Ah-- thank you.
-Thank you.

You bet.

Here's to rejuvenation.

Oh.

And to your birthday.

Mm.

-Happy birthday.
-Thank you.

I don't know, Joe.

I thought that was pretty
good, about the lost fly.

Yeah, it's coming along.

Great.

Lorraine?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORN HONK]

-Joe, we gotta roll.
-Give me a second.

Hey, it's me.

Listen.

All right, sorry.

[HORN HONK]
-Two minutes.

He was my friend.

And you flushed him
down the toilet.

I can't forgive you for that.

[MUSIC - TD LIND]

Hard times is what
this called for, I best

be on my way, no love
shadow beside me,

I feel so sad and free, he
knows what once not waving,

his heart was once complete,
his life, so, so contrary,

this town was just more sweet.

Oo-- Oo-- Oo-- Oo--

Ah.
Whoo.

Thank you.
Come again.

Schedule's on the back.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

My friend?

Welcome to five miles
from the end of the road.

People live here?

We're going to head up soon.

Do you need anything?

I need a cup of coffee.

It's a little
cold-- you want one?

No, I'm good.

But, uh, coffee at
the Viking Grill.

OK.

I'm going to arrange, uh,
transport for our last leg.

Why don't you meet me
back here in a few?

All right.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You're done?

Ice fishing.

Welcome to Wisconsin.

Thanks.

You could tell I'm
not from around here.

No, it was a lucky guess.

Uh, you here for lunch?

No.

Just a cup of coffee to go.

She's single.

Never married.

That's good to know.

So where are you from?

California.

Yeah?
It's pretty there.

It is.

This is a nice change
of scenery, though.

It is.

Thank you.

Here you go.

How much do I owe you?

Don't worry about it.

My lucky day.

Guess so.

I'll get you next time.

-That's for you.
-Ah, don't worry about it.

I'll get you next time.
-I insist.

It's OK.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's OK.

Stay warm out there.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.
-Bye.

Bye.

He's cute, right?

This got me thinking.

What is it?

-Ice fishing postcard.
-OK.

All right, how about
this for an idea?

It's a little kid.

He's ice fishing.
-Yeah?

And he's sitting there,
and all of a sudden

he gets a tug on
the end of the line.

-OK.
-All right?

And he reels it up, and
at the end of the line

there's a note that says
"come play with me."

-A note.
-Yeah.

There's a whole world
underneath the ice,

you know, that only
kids can go and play.

You know, during the wintertime.

What do you think?
-Kids.

Yeah.
What do you think?

Kids under the ice.

Right.

Yeah.

I smell a law suit.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo.

-You don't have a car up here?
-Nah.

It's more fun this way.

My aunt and uncle left this
morning for the Bahamas,

so, eh, it's just
you and me, bro.

Nice.

OK.

Except for write-- that's
you-- train-- that's me--

we got a total of two things
to do while we're here.

It's beautiful.

It's perfect.

Home, sweet home.

And all this.

It's a whole lot of--

BOTH (UNISON): --nothing.

They keep this warm.

Kind of a haven for
passing snowmobilers,

cross-country skiers--

Wayward psychos
with chain saws--

Wow.

Nothing changes.

Just give it a good pull.

Turn and pull.

There you go.

OK.

You see this flame?

The flame heats the rock,
the rock heats the room.

Cool.

Now, they want us to make
sure that it stays lit.

JOE: OK.

I'll pretty much
take care of this.

Good.

Wow.

Whoever rigged the
heat in this place

showed quite an imagination.

The other thing is,
we have to feed Boo.

Who's Boo?

The fish.

Boo, the fish.

Come on.

Boo--
-Ah--

--is actually Boo the 19th.

Every winter, the poor little
guy dies, and every spring he

is replaced by his successor.

You want to be in
charge of the fish?

Yeah.

I think you guys are
going to be good friends.

Yeah.

What, are you gonna cry?

I might.

Hey, Boo.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Pretty sky, isn't it?
-Yep.

It is.

Chilly.

You'll get used to it.

Wow.

Wow.

Nice tights.

Thanks.

What's the plan?

The plan is to focus.

My father focused.

My grandfather did.

His father before him.

Focus.

Whoo!

Whoo.
Here we go.

Wah-- oh, yeah-- that's nothing.

Nothing.

Feels good.

Come on in, the water's fine.

I'm gonna take a rain check.

Nothing-- whoo!

It's easy-- I got this.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Whoo-- whoo!

Come on, there-- whoo!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's not that cold at all.

Whoo!

We're looking good.

Looking good.

[SNARL]

I'm an animal!

A chimp!

Whoo!
It'll happen--

[SNARL]

Oh-- Oh--

[GROWLING]

Ah!
-JP!

What happened?

What happened?
What happened?

The-- the bad-- badger!

Wolverine!

This biggest frickin'
werewolf-- I don't know!

Who were you trying to
focus on-- the badger?

Help, somebody!

All right-- who do
you want me to call?

I'll call--
-Anybody with a Band-Aid!

Get up-- get up here.

Let me get you inside here--
-Ah!

-Get inside!
-Slow-- slow-- slow--

Hey, Sheriff-- we found
him by the woodpile.

We got a regretsome
badger here.

We might want to let
Animal Control know.

Yeah, he's pretty
close to the house.

Got him in the, um--

I can see that.

Can't I?

You made the call.

What happened?
-I don't know.

I wasn't with him.
I went for a walk.

I heard him screaming.

Could've been a squirrel.

A squirrel?

You think a squirrel could
do that kind of damage?

Gathering nuts for the winter.

Don't worry.

We, uh-- we got us-- we got
some good doctors up here.

Not the head shrinkers, though.

Why was he outside
in those panties?

He some kind of thespian?

No, he was in training.

He was getting ready for
that, uh, Polar Bear Plunge.

Ah.

I guess when a man turns
35 in his family, you know,

it's jump into a frozen lake.

Those people.

Fruitcakes.

You're the best friend, are you?
-That's right.

DR. KOOSA: That's a
pretty nice tape job.

Hell of a lot of blood, though.

It's a good thing
that he was so cold.

Yeah, his twins were
sucked pretty tight

up against the body.

-Trying to stay warm.
-Yeah.

Warm.

Well, at least they're
both still there.

I'm sure he'll be
happy to hear that.

Can you fix this?

I need to make a phone call.

There's a great
testicle specialist down

in Milwaukee-- Dr. Fishburn.

Specialist.

Just to be sure.

That's a pretty delicate
area, as you can imagine.

And she-- well, he--
but-- she used to be a he.

I thought that
was urban legend.

Fishburn is a hell of a doctor.

They say she did
her own surgery.

Wait, wait-- wait a minute.

I thought we were
trying to save his.

Yeah-- of course.

A different kind of
operation, but, uh, you know--

-In the same neighborhood.
-Right.

Same neighborhood.

Ooh.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you talking about?

I don't believe this.

I don't believe-- what?
Hello.

[PUMPING SOUND]

[HE LAUGHS]

Hey.

How you doing?

Ah-- ah-- oh-- ow-- ah-- ow--

Uh, he's got a touch of fever.

It's making him a little cuckoo.

Uh, he's lost some blood.

He may be short a testicle
at the end of the day,

but he should be just fine.

I'm sure it'll be quite
the conversation piece.

JP: Listen to me.
I'm sorry.

It looks like you came all
this way-- ah, ha-- ha,

ha-- oh, ah-- you came
all this way for nothing.

No.
It's not for nothing.

You OK?

[INAUDIBLE] me.

Ha.

I can't-- [INAUDIBLE]-- Joe.

Joe-- come, come over here.

I got to tell you
something, Joe.

All right.

I'm-- I'm here.

Ah!

Ah-- ah--

Stop it-- Hey, hey,
it's me-- stop it, JP--

Go away-- get away from me--

JP--

No, no, no--
got-- out of this--

It's me-- hey-- hey-- it's me!

It's me.

Ah-- You came to visit me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I-- I've been here.
I'm here.

You have to promise me.

You have to promise
me something.

OK, I'll do whatever you want.

What do you want?

I promise.

Um-- what was I saying?

Um-- that-- that woman--

You mean the nurse?

Mm-hm.

She's trying to kill me.

You gotta sneak me out.
She's nuts.

-Are you kidding?
-I'm afraid you have to go.

I have to change his dressing.

Make sure nothing's rotten.

Come on.

All right.

Well, thanks for your help.

You don't have to thank
me for doing my job.

[BANG]

What was that for?

You'll know when I'm around.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BANG]

Ugh-- it's freezing in here.

Where's the thermostat?

Are you kidding me?
Thermostat?

Come on.

I'm gonna die.

JOE (TELEPHONE): Hey, Dr. Koosa.

This is, uh, Joe Peterson.
JP's friend.

DR. KOOSA: Joe.

I was just about to call you.

We have some news.
-Excellent.

DR. KOOSA (TELEPHONE): We
were able to patch him up.

Good.

And I'd say, based on
Fishburn's assessment,

that we have about a 90%
chance of two saved testicles.

Great.
Thanks.

DR. KOOSA (TELEPHONE):
Yeah, it's looking good.

Or was that a 2% chance
of 90 saved testicles?

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm kidding.

Hello?

Joe?
Hello?

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, hello?

There's a bunch of people
outside, and they have guns,

and they're dr-- no.

Like a gang or something.

No, I'm fine.

Can you just send some people
over right away, please?

Yeah, I'll hold.

[TELEPHONE RING]

I know you're not
from around here, but--

Who is this?

Because man has driven
the natural predators

of the service [INAUDIBLE]
from the region,

their population tends to
grow beyond the capacity

of their food supply.

Service [INAUDIBLE]?

Who is this?

SHERIFF ANDERSEN
(TELEPHONE): The Sheriff.

But we, as a community,
have decided that,

as an alternative to
having hundreds of them

starve to death--

Sheriff, are you going
to send some people?

There's--

--we would allow a predator
to manage their numbers

in a pseudo-natural way.

JOE (TELEPHONE):
Sheriff, look, I'm

not really interested in your
Latin studies philosophy, OK?

There's a bunch of guys outside
with guns on their backs--

We shoot the deer.

We shoot them.

And then we eat them.

It's hunting season.

That gang has a hunting license.

They're not there to rob you.

They're your neighbors,
and your friends.

OK?

You should be making
them a nice cup of cocoa.

They're doing their civic duty.
-Right.

Uh, cocoa.

They have permission
to be on that property.

Do you?

Yeah, I-- I think
I-- yeah, I do.

I think I--

Good.

Then just let them
know you're there.

Keep your head down.
[BEEP]

[DIAL TONE]

Yeah, it does look
cold out there.

Hey--
[GUNSHOT]

Ah, shit-- oh-- my left nut--

What the hell's wrong with you?

I was just trying to
offer them some cocoa.

I was just trying to be nice.

Sheriff, this might
be another trip

to the specialist in Milwaukee.

Yep.

Looks like it grazed his sack.

You're just a regular good
luck charm, aren't you?

You don't just call out to a
man holding a loaded weapon.

-Idiot.
-Moron.

Sheriff?

There's no cocoa.

There's no milk.

No milk, no cocoa.

No shit.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKING]

AXEL ANDERSEN: Come in.

Catch one of these things
just at the right time--

sit-- you might get two meals
out of it instead of one.

Oh, yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Yeah.

It look like we got
ourselves a mother.

Who the hell are you?
-My name's Joe.

I saw you here yesterday.

You were snooping
around my property?

No, no, no, I wasn't snooping.

I just-- I went for a walk.

Walk?

Nobody goes for a
walk around here.

It's goddamn 10 degrees.

It was a nice walk.

[THUD]

A week in Fort
Lauderdale's nice.

Look-- I'm staying up at a
farm at the end of the road with

a friend of mine who's not
there right now because he got

bit in the balls by a badger.

I know I'm a stranger, but I got
a heater that I don't know how

to turn on, and I got
a goldfish that's going

to die unless I do something.

Can you-- can you
give me a hand?

Yep.

Where exactly did you
say you were staying?

Up there at the,
uh, end of the road.

You know, that white house?

Oh, the white house?

Gray barn?

Yeah, I know it well.

I used to live there.

My old man built the place.

I had to sell it after he
died, about 20 years ago.

Why'd you sell it?

Ah, I couldn't do the fishing
and smoking all by myself.

-Oh, yeah-- smoking?
-Smoking.

Smoking fish.

Well, my son, selfish
bastard that he is,

didn't want any part
of the family business,

so I had to sell the
house to protect my ass.

He never forgave me for it.

But you still can't
beat the view.

Especially in the summer.

Cute kid.

Who's-- who's that?

Oh, that's Sif.

She works up around
here on the holidays.

Sif.

What kind of name is Sif?

Sif.

Wife of Thor.

God of thunder.

Sif.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There-- you see
that lever there?

Yep.

You want heat, you crank
it around like that.

All right.

Now, it's on a
mechanical timer,

so it'll kick off after
about, oh, 18 hours,

so cock it back once a day.
-OK.

Once a day.

So why are you here?

Me and my friend came up
here to do the iceberg jump.

So I figured this'd be a good
time to focus on my writing.

You know, a place like
this, there can't be

that many distractions, right?

They sell these human
waste bricks at the sewer

processing plant in Milwaukee.

It keeps the deer away--
you know, the stink of it.

So they don't eat the buds.

Huh.

It's a nice place to visit.

I don't know if I could
survive here forever,

but it's a nice place to visit.
-Come here.

I want to show you something.

You're welcome to take one
of those buckets with you

as an air freshener,
if you like.

Oh-- why, thank you.

No matter what time of
the day, or year, this

is my favorite spot.

Nobody comes up here.

Breathtaking.

Thanks for your help--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Axel?

Wow.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGH]

You left that.

Easy to tell whose hat that is.

Colorful.

Thanks.

Cover it up, big man.

We've got places to go.

Half the day is gone already.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[HE CHUCKLES]

I like to use cheese
in the winter time.

Bright colored.

Attracts the trout.

Drop it on in there.

All right.
Oop.

Now what?

We wait.

So you been up here
your whole life?

Well, my dad moved up
here from Oklahoma in 1941.

And, uh, after I
got out of school,

and he liked it so well
that my brother and I

came up here and joined him.

Haven't been anywhere since.

Except for a trip to Cuba.

And after they closed
that down, no point

in going anywhere else.

Don't you go stir
crazy out here?

I mean, I've seen pictures
during the summer,

but how long are the winters?

Ah, October until March.

Maybe early April.

Early April.

Five months.

Well, the only really
shitty part's three.

Yeah.
Three months.

That's still a long time.

How do you stay sane?

You think I'm sane?

You're pretty much
the sanest person

I've met since I've been here.

What's your secret?

My granddaughter.

Sif.

You met her at the Viking.

Sif's your granddaughter?

Mm-hm.

You also met her father.

Who's that?

The Sheriff.

-Sif and the Sheriff?
-Yep.

Father and daughter.

Odd pair.

That is an odd pair.

CHOIR LEADER: All
right-- from the chorus.

(SINGING) Remember Christ our
Savior was born on Christmas

day, to save us all from Satan's
power when we were gone astray,

oh, tidings of comfort and joy--
[JOE JOINS IN]

--comfort and joy-- oh,
tidings of comfort and joy.

That was nice.

And youse?

Ah, just bring us two burgers
with cheese and two beers.

You want cheese?
-Yep.

Yeah, cheese,
and two beers now.

I need one.

I like that song.

Reminds me of my grandma.

Yeah.

Honey-- ooh--

Very nice.

We were five.

And Irma was our low voice.

We sounded like a bunch of
damned birds without her here.

Twittering away.

And we have the Christmas
chorus to do over the holidays.

Where is Irma?
I just saw her.

Axel-- she died last week.

And now we're short a baritone.

I'm sorry about
your loss, ladies.

It must be very hard
during the holidays.

Hey, she was 88.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

You gotta go.

So what are you going to do?

Well, that depends
on your availability.

We have a couple
more rehearsals.

And we can get a
costume just for you.

And I'll drive you.

All right.
I'll do it.

Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
-All right.

Here we are.

Step up.

Why do you suppose they didn't
ask me to be in the choir?

You kept trying to goose them.

You scared them off.

[AXEL LAUGHS]

All right, you're all set here?

Ah, yeah.

I'm good.
-All right.

-I'm good.
-Sleep well.

Um, fishing tomorrow.

Come see me.

All right.

Good night.

Have a nice walk home.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hey.
-Hi.

What are you doing out here?

Uh, just learning how to do a
little ice fishing with Axel.

Oh, really?

I like that you're--
what's in your book?

-Oh, it's just some sketches.
-Yeah?

A little writing.
I used to write.

Really?

Anything I'd know?

I doubt it.

Try me.

12 pages about a cat
that feeds a fish.

And the title would be?

Drum roll, please.

"Mr. Kitty Feeds the Fish."

-Are you kidding me?
-You know it?

-I loved that book.
-You don't know it.

I do know that book.

What happened in the next one?

It didn't happen.

Really?

Kind of hit a little
bit of a writer's block.

Oh, that's too bad.

[A DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, my God.

It's Grandpa.

Axel?

-Grandpa, are you OK?
-What happened?

Are you all right?
Can you hear us?

AXEL ANDERSEN: Who are you?

You know what, Grandpa?

Just-- just save your breath.
OK?

We're almost there.

Just be quiet.

It's gonna be all right.

[SPEED DETECTOR BEEPS]

Well, what now?

There he is-- here
we go, here we go--

OK, we found him
at his ice shack.

I think he fell and
bumped his head.

There was blood on
the ice, I was--

Yeah, he's been talking a lot.

He doesn't really
remember who we are.

Sif--

Dad.

Hey, we found him at his ice
shack, and I think he fell--

I was out there skating--

Why is he here?

Well-- because he's, he's
helping, Dad, he's my friend--

He doesn't belong here.

This is a family matter.

We're taking him
down for a few tests.

Hi, Sheriff.

We'll wait here.

Grandpa has been
talking about him.

You know they're friends.

He is living in our old
place-- did you know that?

He is in my house, and now
what, he's best friends

with my father and my daughter?

We don't know him.

He is not from around here.
He--

This man, Dad, is a good man.

He has been a good
friend to your father,

who you rarely visit.

He joined the church choir.

He probably even saved Grandpa's
life just by being there.

And he is a good tipper.

I came back because you promised
me you would quit trying

to stop me from living my life.

I am trying.

Isn't this trying?

You said you were going to
support my decisions, Dad.

What's it going to be, Sheriff?

Joe, you met the Sheriff?

My father.

Yeah.
We have.

I'm so sorry.

-Ha--
-How are your balls?

(SINGING)They're
hanging in there.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm feeling all right.

I, uh-- still not so mobile,
but I got a card from my sister.

She asked about you.

What'd it say?

NURSE: Mr. JP.

Meet your new roommate,
Axel Andersen.

Try to give him some quiet.

Sif.

Come meet JP.

Oh, hey.

JP, this is Sif.

JP's here on a bit of
a sporting accident.

Really?
What happened?

Oh, I, uh, I was
working out in the snow,

just trying to get used
to the extreme cold.

I'm in training for
the Polar Bear Plunge.

Really?

Yeah.

Most people here, we
just sort of pull out

a bottle of Schnapps, and then
hit the water, so-- Well, I, I,

I like to think of it more as a
specialized training technique.

Is what you call it?

I train a lot myself.

Hockey.

Oh.

My season starts in
Pittsburgh in two weeks,

so I've been on the ice a lot.

Are you, uh-- are you going
to still do the plunge, or--

No.

I'm a little out of commission.

But Joe has actually
agreed to take my place.

Wow.

That is some pretty
extreme cold, my friend.

I actually-- I can't swim.

Come on.

A little cold water
isn't going to scare

a big bull like yourself, Joe.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here we go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here we go-- oh,
God-- God-- water.

Water.
Ha-- hot.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUNSHOT]

My lovely daughter
said I was, and I quote,

a "rude son of a bitch" to you.

Well, you probably
didn't mean it--

Oh, bullshit.
I was.

I intended to be.

I don't like you.

I don't like you because
you're in this house.

I don't like you because you're
socializing with my family,

and I, I don't like you
because, for some damn reason,

my precious daughter has
taken a shine to you.

Well, I think she's very--

I know what you think.

I think you're a damn nut job.

I'm standing here talking
to you and your mostly

naked shivering ass.

It's 22 degrees and snowing.

I don't know how
you wound up here,

or what you think
you're doing here--

Sheriff?

What do I have to do
for you not to shoot me?

Here's what.

I'll be here at 7:00 AM.

You and I will bond.

I usually don't
get up at 7:00 AM.

7:00.

On those steps, right there.

Hey, Sheriff-- I don't
bond before breakfast.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[SIGH]

Viking Grill.

It's Sif.
-Hi.

It's Joe.

SIF (TELEPHONE): Hey.

I'm sorry about
earlier, with my dad.

I talked to him.

JOE (TELEPHONE): Yeah,
yeah, he, um, he paid

me a visit a few hours ago.

A visit.

We're scheduled for an early
morning bonding session.

Oh, God.

I am going to kill my father.

He, um-- he's a
little overprotective.

Sorry.
-Yeah, that's OK.

I have good people skills.

Yeah.

You do.

Is that why you called?

No, actually.

I'm starving.

Do you guys deliver?

Do we deliver?
No.

I'm kind of stranded here.

I don't have a car.

Well, you did help save
my grandfather's life.

And being the lone
carless traveler

that you are in a foreign
land, I will have Jeffy bring

something right over to you.

JOE (TELEPHONE): Thank you.
-Yeah.

Well, I do know where
you live, after all.

What can I get for you?

[ALARM CLOCK RINGS]

What does anyone do at
7 o'clock in the morning?

[DISTANT RIFLE SHOT]

[DUCKS QUACK]

'Morning, Sheriff.
[BOOM]

Duck soup all around.

No, wait.

It's deer season, isn't it?

[RIFLE COCK]

Well, take your pick.

This one's prettier.

But this one-- well, nothing
like the feel of real wood.

Now, what you gotta
remember is, you never point

a loaded weapon at anybody.

Right.

All right, Never point a--

And you gotta always, always
stay cognizant of where

your fellow hunters are.

Cognizant.

That means aware.
-Right.

Be aware.
OK.

OK.

Now, what you want to
do, hold it like me.

Put the butt right up in here.

Now, it's got a kick, so you
want to keep it nice and tight

up against your shoulder.
-Like this?

Uh-huh.
All right.

Now, that baby's got shells in
it, so you release the safety,

take your mitties off--
take the mitties off.

Push that.

This button?

That little button right there.
All right.

Now, just aim it out into
the field, all right?

Don't worry, the
grass will grow back.

All right here we go.

Have at her.

[BOOM]

There you go.

Try another.

Pump the action.

Almost.

I like the way that sounds.

That sounds pretty good.
-OK.

[CRACK]
[LOUD EXPLOSION]

[LAUGHTER GROWS]

Every day.

Every damned day
of my childhood,

I had to check the flame
in that damned shed.

My mother built
it for my father.

Something about a sanctuary.

A place to write
his poetry in peace.

-Axel was a poet?
-Yeah.

Who would've thought, huh?

Yeah, he was a romantic.

Well, when she died he
stopped the writing.

But in her honor, he
insisted we keep the shed

all shined up, and warm.

I guess it's warm now.

Can't get any warmer than that.

Once or twice, I sort
of toyed with the idea--

running it down with my cruiser.

I owe you one.

I got places to go.

Bonding.

How did it go?

He blew up the shed.

He blew it up with one shot.

A shot.

Yeah.

Well, the flame
must have gone out.

And the place filled up with
gas, and big, giant fireball.

Wow.

I am really-- I'm,
I'm sorry, Dad.

I know that that place
really meant a lot to you--

I hated it, honey.

I hated the shed.

I know that your
grandma built it.

We all-- for me, it's-- it's
just a lot of bad memories.

So I know you're fond of him.

Mm.

Thanks.

Yeah.

So I'm going to
see your granddad.

Good.

I'll send him your love.

I love you, Dad.

Thank you.

Ah-- God.

Ah.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hey, Joe.
JOE (TELEPHONE): Hey.

What's up?
How's it going?

How's the book coming?

It's coming along.
You know.

There's been a few
distractions along the way,

but it's coming along.

What's the prognosis over there?

You, uh, still on
track for being a man?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I think
so. (NORMAL VOICE) Ahem.

I mean, uh, I think so.

The doc says it's
coming along, and, uh,

and things should be fine
with the, uh, with the twins,

as he says.

Right.
The twins.

Good.

[KNOCK]

Hey, uh, look, I got
to-- I got to run.

I've gotta go to choir practice.

What are you talking
about, choir practice?

I'll explain later.
I gotta go.

My ride's here.

Make sure you call me back,
because I need to tell you--

[CLICK]

--something.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.

I'm trying to take
care of things.

She's grown up.

She looks-- she looks
just like her mother.

I'm trying not to
hold on too tight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That's a good boy.

You were about to
strangle her to death.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ALL (SINGING, UNISON): God
rest ye merry, gentlemen,

let nothing you dismay, remember
Christ our Savior was born

on Christmas day, to save us all
from Satan's power when we were

gone astray, oh tidings
of comfort and joy,

comfort and joy, oh
tidings of comfort and joy.

Whoo!
Whoo!

That was really good.

No, it wasn't.

It was so not really good.

Well, you tried.

Ah-- it was painful.

-I used to sing with them.
-You did?

Mm-hm.

-In the choir?
-Mm-hm.

Like a bird.

Like my mom.

She had a really nice voice.

You must be more like your mom.

I mean, I don't see a lot
of your father in you.

Will you, um-- will you
go on a date with me?

-Uh--
-Oh.

Of course.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

Nice.

Thank you.

You've thought of
pretty much everything.

-Almost.
-Yeah.

Cheers.
-Cheers.

Thanks.

Ah.

This is-- this is really nice.

This is pretty amazing.

Yeah.

My parents used to take
me here when I was a kid.

A lot of memories, I bet.

The sheriff actually
had a good time.

-He did?
-Mm-hm.

I talked to him about you today.

What'd you say?

I didn't say much.

He talked to me about you.
-Really.

Mm-hm.

What'd he say?

-He said he approved of you.
-Really.

-Mm-hm.
-Huh.

You know, I think, um-- I
think that these are oven mitts.

-Yeah.
-They're very cute.

Yeah, this is, um-- this
is kind of new for me.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Me, too.

[MUSIC - THE OLD '97s,
"QUESTION"]

She woke from a
dream, her head was

on fire, why was he so nervous?

He took her to the park,
she crossed her arms--

You're not getting these back.

No, I want-- I've
gotta have them back.

My hands are freezing.

Mm-mm.

You're going to have
to come get them.

I'll come get them.

THE OLD '97s (SINGING): Someday
somebody's gonna ask you

a question that you should
say yes to, once in your life,

maybe tonight I've got
a question for you.

She'd had no idea, she started
to cry, she said in a good way,

he took her by the hand,
walked her back home,

they took the long way.

Someday somebody's
gonna ask you a question

that you should say yes to, once
in your life, maybe tonight,

I've got a question for you.

LORRAINE: Hi, Joey.

Did you miss me?

What are you doing here?

Well, this is my
family's house.

And, um, I missed you.

I talked to JP, and he
told me that you're, you're

writing again, and
you seem happy,

and he said you're helping
him take care of things

around here, and
you're taking his place

in that stupid competition.

I really didn't think
you had it in you.

So here I am.

And babe, I-- I forgive you.

Come here.
Mm.

Let's have a cup of coffee.

OK.

Coffee sounds great.

What time did you get here?

About 3:00 AM.

3:00 AM.

Where did you sleep?

Oh, I didn't sleep.

I just stared.

At you.

All night.

Wow.

What?

You looked so
peaceful and happy.

So let me see.

JP said the book
idea is really good.

Let me see.
-It's on the table.

It's not ready for
you to look at.

It's just not done.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh-- look at the cute
little buggers-- so cute--

I have to explain
something to you.

What?

You know, you were right,
about me being lazy,

and my, my writing,
and, you know,

not listening to the signs.

I'm glad you think so.

But you're crazy.
OK?

You're nuts.

You flushed my fish
down the toilet.

You actually just flushed
my fish down the toilet.

You killed my fish.
-Joey.

[SMIRKS]

What is this?

This is Frank?

It was for your own good.

It was tough love.

How could you do that?

-Oh-- oh, baby, come here--
-No--

Come here.

You little shit.

I'm happy here.

I've been inspired.

I'm writing a lot.

And you'll keep writing.

Come on-- come home--

You're not getting it.
OK?

I think this time
apart has been good.

Look, I made a promise to
your brother and a promise

to myself that I was
going to finish the book.

Which I'm sure you
don't understand.

Let me get this straight.

You would rather be here,
in the middle of nowhere,

with a bunch of
backwards hillbillies

with pointless
lives, than at home,

where you can actually do
something with your life,

with me?

They're not hillbillies.

Get your bathroom stuff.

We're going.

Lorraine, we are not going.

I am doing something here
that's making me feel good.

OK?
I'm feeling good for once.

Finally.

Lorraine-- I met somebody.

I met somebody who
makes me feel good.

Who's funny.

Who's real.

Somebody that I want.

I don't want you.
I don't want us.

I don't, I don't want this.

I'm sorry.
I don't understand.

I don't want this.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

I came here to give
you another chance.

But clearly, you're
not interested.

So then I'm not-- not
interested then, either.

You are not committed
to this relationship!

Jeez.

[BANG]
-Ugh.

The sheriff.

Lorraine-- I'm tired of
you bossing me around.

It's not really Frank.

Ha!

I'm here because
I want to be here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Say.

Can I get you something?

I didn't get my
coffee this morning.

OK.

We will get you some coffee.

Do you like cream and sugar?

[TEARS COME]

Oh.
Hey.

No tears.
Come on.

What's wrong?

He kicked me out of the house.

Like a dog.

He said he found somebody else.

He said she was "real."

I mean, real?

What does that mean?

I-- I mean, what did I do wrong?
-Nothing.

So he kicked you out, and he
wouldn't even listen to you.

When they want something,
men are all ears.

Yeah.

And they're all hands.

I mean, I was so happy to see
him motivated and not shlubby

anymore, and-- I mean-- maybe I
could have held back a little,

but--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Viking Grill.

This is Jeffy.

Today's specials are the
fresh pork butt, which is--

Uh, hey, Jeffy, is Sif there?

Can I speak with her?
This is Joe.

Hold on, Joe.

She's going to have
to call you back.

No, uh, can you tell
her it's important?

Thank you.
Come again.

Let's go clean up
those tears, OK?

Come on.

Come on.

What?
OK.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on.
There you go.

Behave.

SIF: OK?

Yeah.

Thank you.

You're OK.

Beautiful.

You're going to rock this.

You're going to rock him.

You're the man.
Without a doubt.

You're really sweet.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

You're gonna be great.

You're just fine.

OK.

Go get him.
-OK.

Go get him.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah--

I think you've gone
crazy, or you're

sick or something, because
you don't want to let me go.

Mm.

Mm hm.

Mm.

Oh-- ah--

You're so much a part of
me and a part of my family--

when I heard you saying that
you were seeing someone else,

well, it's-- it's just crap.

And another example of
you lying to yourself.

Right?
Mm.

Mm.

Babe-- Did you hit your head?

Uh, yeah.

Come with me.
[INAUDIBLE]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hey, there.

Hey, Daddy.

If you've got a
minute, I need a word.

Yeah.

What's up?

Can we go sit in the cruiser?

-Oh.
-Ooh.

How you feeling?

I'm fine.
Good.

Oh.

I'm great, actually.

I went on a, um, on a
picnic with Joe last night,

and he is-- he is really sweet.
-OK.

Good.
I love you, honey.

And I don't want
you to think this

is coming from a bad place.

But this Joe guy--
-Nope.

Nope.
Are you--

-Listen to me.
-No.

Are you really going
to do this now?

Just listen to me.

I cannot believe we're having
this conversation again.

What is it?

Why can not--
-Sif--

You-- oh-- you just don't
even want me to be happy.

It's not that--

You want me under this
rain cloud with you,

and I just can't even--

We're not talking
about rain clouds!

And you're angry on top of it!

I'm not ang-- I am not angry!

I am not-- I am not angry.
-Really?

I'm not-- I'm not angry.

That's not angry?

He was with another
woman this morning.

Oh, my God-- I can't--

I saw him.

You are unbelievable.

I pulled in the
driveway, and I saw him.

I saw him.

You're a liar, Dad.

Little girl, I swear to
you on my mother's grave,

I saw him, this morning,
through his kitchen window,

in the arms of another woman.

I shit you not.
-I know you--

[HORN HONKS]

MUSIC PLAYING]

DR. SCHWEIBER: It looks
like a mild concussion.

Enough to cause some
disorientation and some nausea.

We'll have a better
idea in the morning.

I'll have a, a
specialist in then.

OK.

Do you have a place
to stay tonight?

I could arrange
for something here,

or, uh-- do you have
plans for dinner?

Ooh.

Hi.

Where am I?

Why am I here?

Well, your fiancee
brought you here.

She said you banged your head.

Almost threw up
all over her car.

And you're in the Sturgeon
Bay General Hospital.

Oh.

I've been to Sturgeon Bay.

Oh-- happy holidays.

What day is it?

It's Christmas Eve.

Oh.

Well, hey, you.

Hey.

You're looking better.

Yeah, well, thanks.

Yeah, I'm feeling better.
How are you?

How's Joe?

I don't know.

He's gone.

Gone?

Some old girlfriend resurfaced.

I don't know the details.

Oh.

I didn't know.
Sorry.

I'm gonna go.

Sure.

OK.

Good seeing you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You scared me, with this
trip to the hospital.

Hello, gorgeous.

How you feeling?

Oh, I'm better.

They found a little
irregular heart beat,

so they put in a
pacemaker, but I'll

be 100% in a couple of days.

Good.

-Hey, Joe sent this.
-Oh.

I do like him.

Yeah.

I liked him, too.

I'm gonna take off.

I love you, little girl.

I love you, too, old man.

Hey.

Why don't you stick
around a little while.

Maybe watch a movie.

It's lonely here.

JP just walked out of here.

Are you trying to guilt me?

Poor, lonely old man,
laid up in a hospital?

The winter snow falls, my
gray mustache may freeze--

Are you making a haiku?

--but we must wait for spring.

I guess I just
like your company.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing here?

I'm in the chorus.

I'm the baritone.

That's nice.

Who's the blond, Joe?

I saw her, and you,
in the kitchen,

looking a hell of a
lot more than friendly.

Now look, Sheriff?

I don't know how
to tell you this,

but I think I'm in love
with your daughter.

What you saw was
part of my past.

And it was a long
and painful goodbye,

but right now I gotta get
up on that stage and sing.

OK?

Hold this.

(SINGING) God rest
ye merry, gentlemen,

let nothing you dismay, remember
Christ our Savior was born

on Christmas day, to save us all
from Satan's power when we were

gone astray, oh tidings
of comfort and joy,

comfort and joy, oh
tidings of comfort and joy.

[MUSIC - THE CHORUS - "DECK THE
HALLS"]

Where is she?

She was pretty broken up.

She headed off to
Pittsburgh this afternoon.

She left early.

Yeah, I guess.

I had a feeling it was
too good to be true.

Life's funny like that.

That was my bad.

What's uh-- what's
in the bag, anyway?

Open it.

Heater went out.

Yep.

Hey, look, uh, why don't you--
why don't you take Sif's room?

It's upstairs at the Viking.

The heater's on.

It's cold out there.

[MUSIC - TD LIND]

Turn out the light, I've
something to tell you.

That from this night,
I'm gonna love you.

And no one else.

No one I'm with.

No one can because
we rise together,

fall together, like
the wild, wild wind.

Oo-- ah--

Those blue Montana eyes,
they sure can haunt you.

No eyes have, no eyes will.

No one cares, because we
rise together, fall together,

like the wild, wild wind.

POLAR PLUNGE ANNOUNCER
(PA): Ladies and gentlemen--

welcome to the Polar Plunge.

Conditions are brutal.

Air temperature is 34 degrees.

POLAR PLUNGE NEWSCASTER:
This Christmas Day tradition

has grown every single year.

But it all began when J.R.
Jarish had to jump into Lake

Michigan as payment for--

Yo-- dude!

What up?
What happened?

I thought you left.

You here to talk?

Or you here to plunge?
Go--

Yes!
Whoa!

POLAR PLUNGE ANNOUNCER
(PA): The Polar Plunge

begins in 10, 9,
8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,

2, 1-- everybody in the water.

[THE CROWD SHOUTS, SCREAMS]

Sif.
What are you doing here?

Here, [INAUDIBLE] take this.

I thought you
went to Pittsburgh.

I couldn't miss this--
are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

-Sorry about what happened.
-I know.

You left this.

-Did you like it?
-Brilliant.

You know what I'm thinking?

What?

I think we should go in.

No-- no, no-- no,
no, no, no, no-- no--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC - TD LIND]