Feds (1988) - full transcript

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS., INC.

YOU GUYS IN A GANG
OR SOMETHING?

WE HAVE GONE OVER
YOUR TEST RESULTS.

THEY'RE ADEQUATE,
NOT EXCEPTIONAL.

YOUR MARINE RECORD HELPS,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO
UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.

YOU'RE APPLYING
TO THE HIGHEST
LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY

IN THIS COUNTRY.

THERE ARE LAW SCHOOL
GRADUATES OUT THERE,

PHI BETA KAPPAS.

I'VE GOT GUYS
THAT SPEAK RUSSIAN,
GERMAN, JAPANESE,



AND SOME OF THEM
ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE FBI.

WE'RE REQUIRED
TO ADMIT SOME WOMEN

INTO OUR TRAINING
ACADEMY.

WE'LL GIVE YOU
A FAIR SHOT,

BUT QUITE FRANKLY,

I DON'T THINK
YOU'VE GOT A PRAYER.

UH!

OH, SORRY.

I'M OK.

UH!

OH, I'M SORRY.

NO. IT WAS
MY FAULT.

OH!
OW!

SORRY.



I'M SORRY.

NO, NO.
YOU STAY UP.

I'LL GO DOWN.
YOU STAY UP.

THANKS.

DON'T MENTION IT.

OH!

UH!

SORRY.

I NEEDED THAT.

HI.

HOW'S IT GOING?

BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

HI.

JANICE ZUCKERMAN.
HOW YOU DOING?

ELLIE DeWITT.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

IS THIS A DOG
OR A PIG?

DO YOU WANT HELP
WITH YOUR OTHER STUFF?

THIS IS MY STUFF.

OH.

YOU WANT TO GO
GRAB A BEER?

WE HAVE CONSTITUTIONAL LAW
APPLIED TO LAW ENFORCEMENT

IN TWO HOURS
TAUGHT BY HUPPERMAN,

SPECIAL PROSECUTOR,
ABSCAM.

WROTE TWO BOOKS
ON THE CONSTITUTION.

I'M FINISHING
HIS SECOND BOOK.

IT'S ONLY
THE FIRST DAY.

WHAT ARE THEY
GOING TO DO?

I'M SORRY.

OK.

YOU WIN.

WE'LL DO IT
YOUR WAY, OK?

YOU CAN ASK ME
THREE QUESTIONS.

OK.

THANKS.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

NEW YORK.
SINGLE. 29.

NO BROTHERS.
NO SISTERS.

GRADUATED AMHERST.
ECONOMICS. '81.

COLUMBIA.
ANTHROPOLOGY. '83.

SMITH.

PUBLIC AFFAIRS
IN POSTDOCTORAL WORK.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

THANKS.

WHERE DID YOU
GO TO SCHOOL?

YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW IT.

TRY.

TULLAHOMA COLLEGE.
PART-TIME STUDIES
PROGRAM.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
NEXT QUESTION.

YOU GO TO MOVIES?

YEAH.

JOHN FORD'S
GRAPES OF WRATH.

AUTHOR,
V.S. NAIPAUL.

PAINTING,
THE CONVERSION
OF ST. PAUL

BY CARAVAGGIO.

MUSIC,
ROLLING STONES.

THE ROLLING STONES?

LAST QUESTION!

ARE YOU ALWAYS
THIS UPTIGHT?

EXCUSE ME?

WE'LL BE BUNKING
TOGETHER FOR 16 WEEKS.

AM I LIVING
WITH A PECKERHEAD,

OR SOMEONE WHO CAN
BE QUASI-NORMAL?

I'M NOT
A PECKERHEAD.

I'M QUASI-NORMAL,

EXCEPT UNDER CONDITIONS
OF EXTREME ACADEMIC STRESS.

GOTCHA.

OK. WELL, THANKS.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

THANKS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IF THE SUBJECT
ISN'T ARMED,

YOU SHOULD CUFF HIM

USING NOTHING
BUT THE PROPER ATTITUDE.

WE'RE HERE
TO TEACH YOU THAT.

I'LL NEED A VOLUNTEER.
HOW ABOUT YOU?

ME?

YES.

OH, YEAH.
NO PROBLEM.

GOOD.

NOW, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,

THE STANDING
WRIST LOCK.

FBI.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

SPREAD 'EM.

LEFT HAND UP
IN THE AIR. HIGHER.

OW!

"OW" IS RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE
THE SUSPECT FEELS PAIN.

LET HIM KNOW
HE'S UNDER ARREST.

AT ALL TIMES,
MY GUN WAS UNUSED.

MY BODY WAS POSITIONED
WITH MY GUN AWAY FROM
THE SUSPECT.

KILLING YOU WITH YOUR GUN
WOULD SUIT HIM JUST FINE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S OK.

SEE,

THE KEY HERE--
ATTITUDE.

DOMINATE
THE SITUATION.

LET'S TRY IT.

ARRESTING OFFICERS,
IDENTIFY YOURSELVES,

AND, SUSPECTS,
RESIST A LITTLE.

MAKE IT REAL.

BUDDY, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOURSELF.

I THINK THESE GIRLS
ARE PRETTY TOUGH...

ESPECIALLY YOURS.

FBI.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

HANDS UP.
FACE THE WALL.

WHAT?

FBI.

NEED ANY HELP?

ARE WE DONE YET?

EXCUSE ME.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE MY SUSPECT.

IF I'M YOUR SUSPECT,

HOW COME I'M NOT
ARRESTED YET?

OH!

OK, YOU'RE ARRESTED.
YOU HAPPY NOW?

DeWITT.

YOU FAILED
TO IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

YOU'RE AN FBI AGENT.
GET IT RIGHT NEXT TIME.

YES, SIR.

PRACTICE...A LOT.

THERE'S ONLY
ONE PROPER WAY

TO CONDUCT
A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION
IN THE UNITED STATES.

WE HAVE A DOCUMENT
WHICH SETS OUT THIS WAY.

MR. GRAHAM,

WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THIS DOCUMENT?

THE CONSTITUTION,
SIR.

YOU MEAN THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA?

YES, SIR.

THANKS.

THE FBI IS OUR HIGHEST
LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY.

WE DO NOT VIOLATE
THE CONSTITUTION EVER.

QUESTION.
WITHIN THE CONSTITUTION,

IS THERE
A SPECIFIC AMENDMENT
THAT PROTECTS AMERICANS

FROM UNREASONABLE
SEARCH AND SEIZURE?

MR. BUTZ.

THE FOURTH
AMENDMENT ST--

CORRECT.

QUESTION.
WHAT IS REQUIRED
OF A FEDERAL OFFICER

BEFORE ISSUING A WARRANT
FOR SEARCH OR SEIZURE?

MS. DeWITT.

UH...SUSPICION?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

SUSPICION OF EVIDENCE
ON THE PREMISES?

HAVE YOU READ
MY BOOKS?

NOT YET, SIR.

SIT DOWN, DeWITT.

MS. ZUCKERMAN,

CAN YOU ANSWER
THE QUESTION?

FEDERAL OFFICERS
DON'T ISSUE WARRANTS.

THE CONSTITUTION
REQUIRES THAT
A FEDERAL OFFICER

OBTAIN A SEARCH
OR SEIZURE WARRANT

FROM A FEDERAL JUDGE
ONLY AFTER SHOWING
CAUSE.

THANK YOU.

MS. DeWITT,

THE FBI
ADMITS 40 TRAINEES

INTO EACH
AGENTS TRAINING PROGRAM.

LAST SESSION,
NINE GRADUATED.

31 DIDN'T.

FOR EVERY TRAINEE
THAT BECOMES AN AGENT,

THERE ARE THREE OTHERS
WHO BECOME ENCYCLOPEDIA
SALESPERSONS

OR TELEPHONE REPAIRPERSONS
OR PERHAPS BEAUTICIANS.

DO I
MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

YES, SIR.

NOW, ON MY SIGNAL,
YOU WILL TURN AROUND,

STEP FORWARD,

GRIP THE BAR,

AND HANG
MOTIONLESS.

BEGIN.

THIS IS USEFUL.

YOU'LL RAISE YOUR CHIN
ABOVE THE BAR.

RIGHT.

BEGIN.

IF YOU CAN'T CONTINUE,

JUST SIT DOWN
ON THE MAT.

ADD THREE MORE.

UH!

GIVE ME TWO MORE,
PLEASE.

NOW GIVE ME
TWO MORE, PLEASE.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

[WHISTLE]

I SAID
THAT'S ENOUGH.

I'M SPECIAL AGENT
BILL BELECKI,

DIRECTOR
OF TRAINING.

YOU'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH
A SERIES OF EXERCISES

DESIGNED TO ESTABLISH
YOUR FIRST LEVEL OF FUNCTIONING.

WE EXPECT IMPROVEMENT.

IF YOU SCORED LOW,
WE EXPECT LOTS OF IMPROVEMENT.

IF YOU SCORED HIGH,
WE EXPECT GREATER IMPROVEMENT.

ANY ONE OF YOU WHO FAILS
TO IMPROVE SIGNIFICANTLY

WILL BE CUT
FROM TRAINING.

YOUR NEXT EVALUATION'S
IN THREE DAYS.

GENTLEMEN...LADIES,
WELCOME TO THE FBI.

"WHERE SAME PERSON
OR UNLAWFUL OBJECT

"COMMITS AN ACT
THAT IS KNOWN
OR SHOULD BE KNOWN

"TO BE LIKELY
TO CAUSE DEATH

"OR BODILY HARM,

"NOTWITHSTANDING

"THAT SAME PERSON
DESIRES TO AFFECT
SAME OBJECT

WITH OR WITHOUT
CAUSING DEATH
OR BODILY HARM."

NOW, WHAT THE HELL IS
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT COMES.
JUST GET INTO IT.

ZUCKERMAN,
WE'RE FORMING
A STUDY GROUP

OF SIX INDIVIDUAL
FOCUS AREAS.

WE MEET NIGHTLY
FOR INFORMATION
SHARING.

ONCE A WEEK,
ONE OF US LEADS
A SEMINAR.

INTERESTED?

WHO ARE YOU?

HOWARD BUTZ.
MIT. HI.

ARE YOU
INTERESTED?

WHO ARE THE OTHERS?

LET'S SEE...
BICKERSTAFF AND PARKER.

BICKERSTAFF, THE BLACK GUY,
HAS A Ph.D. IN CRIMINOLOGY.

PARKER WAS A LAWYER
FOR MERRILL LYNCH,

AND BRENT SHEPHERD.

HE'S A DUKE GRADUATE.

HIS DAD'S
AN FBI AGENT.

HE'S CUTE.
DO YOU THINK
HE'S...

CUTE?

NO.
OK, I'LL JOIN.

GREAT.

OUR FIRST MEETING
IS TOMORROW NIGHT
AFTER DINNER.

I'D LIKE TO JOIN
THE STUDY GROUP, TOO.

WELL, YOU SEE,
IT'S GOING TO BE
KIND OF ADVANCED.

THE OTHERS MIGHT--

YOU SAID
YOU NEEDED SIX.

OK.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

I'LL ASK
ONE MORE TIME.

WE KNOW YOUR SON
WAS IN ST. LOUIS.

WE THINK
HE ROBBED THE BANK.

WHERE IS HE NOW?

HAS HE CONTACTED YOU?
HAS HE CALLED YOU?

IS THAT TOO MUCH
TO ASK?

WHEN DID YOU SAY
THE ROBBERY WAS?

MAY 21st
BETWEEN 2:24--

[BANG! BANG!]

YOU'RE BOTH DEAD.

ZUCKERMAN,
THE SECOND AGENT

ALWAYS SECURES
THE PERIMETER.

IF A SUBJECT
GETS AWAY,

YOU WILL
WIND UP DEAD.

DeWITT, DON'T EVER
LET THE SUBJECT

SEE YOU FLUSTERED.
YOUR ATTITUDE
SHOULD BE DOMINANCE.

YOU'RE A FEDERAL AGENT.
YOU KNOW MORE THAN HIM.

IF HE SEES
HE'S GETTING TO YOU,

HE'S IN CONTROL.

GIVE ME SOMEBODY ELSE
DOWN HERE. PARKER. BUTZ.

NEXT.

COME ON, PAL.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

HUP.

ARGH!

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

FBI. FREEZE!

FBI, SCUMBALL.
FREEZE!

FBI.
FREEZE...SCUMBALL.

FBI.

DON'T TRY IT, PAL,

OR I'LL BLOW
YOUR BRAINS OUT...

BOTH OF THEM.

80% OF AN FBI AGENT'S JOB
IS TALKING TO PEOPLE.

SOME LIE.
SOME TELL THE TRUTH.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHEN SOMEONE'S LYING?

DOES HE AVOID
EYE CONTACT

OR LOOK
AT YOU SIDEWAYS?

DOES HE KEEP HIS HANDS
IN HIS POCKETS LIKE
HE'S HIDING SOMETHING?

WATCH HIS EYES.

LET ME SHOW YOU
ABOUT EYE CONTACT.

WE'LL CONDUCT
AN INTERVIEW HERE.

MR. GRAHAM,

YOU CAN BE
MY SUBJECT.

YES, SIR.

HAVE A SEAT
RIGHT HERE, MR. GRAHAM.

THANK YOU, SIR.

MR. GRAHAM,
HAVE YOU EVER USED
ILLEGAL DRUGS

FOR RECREATIONAL
PURPOSES?

EYES TILTED UP.

HE'S THINKING
ABOUT IT...

BUT IF THE ANSWER'S NO,

IT'S TOO LATE
TO BE CONVINCING.

THANK YOU, MR. GRAHAM.
RETURN TO YOUR SEAT.

I'LL SEE THAT
AND RAISE YOU FIVE.

I'M IN.

I'M IN.

YEAH.

OK. READ 'EM AND WEEP.

FULL BOAT.

IS ANYBODY
HUNGRY?

OH, YEAH.

LET'S GET
SOME PIZZA.

TWO.

TWO? THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
I CAN EAT TWO MYSELF.

YOU'RE GOING TO
EAT TWO?

I WAS
PIZZA-EATING CHAMPION.

I COULD EAT
THAT MUCH.

SURE.

I'VE GOT
AN ELASTIC STOMACH.

I COULD EAT
THREE PIZZAS.

THREE?

YEAH.

CARE TO PUT YOUR MONEY
WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS?

AFOREMENTIONED TOPPINGS
MUST REMAIN ON SLICES.

ALL SLICES MUST BE EATEN

UNTIL NO CHEESE
IS VISIBLE ON THE CRUST.

READY. GO!

THERE YOU GO.
IT SMELLS GOOD.

DO IT.
DO IT.

YEAH.

YOU'RE REALLY
GOING NOW.

GET IT DOWN!
GET IT DOWN!

YEAH!

COME ON,
PARKER.

GO! GO! GO!

COME ON, PARKER.

YOU'VE GOT IT.
COME ON.

COME ON, PARKER.

GET IT DOWN.
COME ON.

YOU GOT HER
ON THE RUN.

GO! GO! GO!

ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.

THERE IT IS.
COME ON.

OK.

LET'S DO IT.

YOU'LL DO IT.

YEAH. THAT'S IT.
DIVE IN.

COME ON,
PARKER.

MMM.

I JUST HOPE
THIS STUFF'S
COOKED PROPERLY.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

IF THE PEPPERONI'S
NOT COOKED LONG ENOUGH,

THERE'S
THESE MICROSCOPIC
INSECTS AND STUFF.

GO AHEAD.

YEAH. I READ
THAT THEY'RE
TINY LITTLE WORMS

THAT INFEST SHIPS
IMPORTING FOOD FROM EUROPE.

I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

KEEP EATING.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU KNOW
THE WORST PART?

THEY LAY EGGS
IN YOUR INTESTINAL TRACT.

SOON,
NEW ONES ARE HATCHING

BY THE THOUSANDS.

JANICE. WE'RE EATING.

WONDER WHAT
THAT FEELS LIKE...

YOUR WHOLE STOMACH
CHURNING

WITH THOUSANDS OF WIGGLY
LITTLE WORM EGGS.

DISQUALIFIED!

WE WON! AH!

GREAT, ELLIE.

DON'T SHAKE ME.

SORRY.

WHO IS THAT?

I THINK
IT'S O'SULLIVAN.

NO.

IT'S FLAGLER.

HE DID OK.

DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT FLAGER
AND LEWENDOWSKI?

THEY'RE BOTH OUT.

HATCHET FALLS.

WE NEED COFFEE,
SOAP FOR DRY SKIN,

KLEENEX, LOOSE-LEAF
PAPER, PAPER TOWELS,
TRAIL MIX, GRANOLA BARS,

LICORICE, POPCORN--

PUT DOWN PAPER CLIPS,
THOSE COLORED ONES.

I WANT
MY OWN STAPLER,

AND ONE OF THOSE
ACCORDION THINGS
YOU GOT.

A FILE ORGANIZER.

YEAH.
I NEED ONE OF THOSE.

JANICE, IT'S 9:30.
WE BETTER GET GOING.

I KNOW ONE THING
WE COULD GET FOR YOU...

YOUR OWN GUN.

MY OWN GUN?

LIKE YOUR OWN BOWLING BALL.
YOU FORM A RELATIONSHIP.

I'M GOING TO FORM
A RELATIONSHIP
WITH IT?

WHO KNOWS WHEN
WE'LL SHOP AGAIN.

DON'T YOU NEED
A PERMIT?

YES.

YOU'RE THE BROADS
FROM THE FBI, RIGHT?

DiMAZZIO SAYS
YOU NEED SOMETHING
FOR TARGET PRACTICE.

YEAH. IT'S FOR
MY PARTNER HERE.

WE'RE THINKING
ABOUT A 9 MILLIMETER.

MAYBE A SIG SAUER 226,
BERETTA 9.

DOUBLE ACTION
OR SINGLE ACTION?

DOUBLE
OR SINGLE?

WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW MY TASTES.

DOUBLE ACTION.

OK, MISS FBI.

HOW ABOUT A CZ-75?

I SHOT
A 3-INCH GROUP--

OW!

WITH THIS BABY.

NO SIGHT WORK,
NOTHIN'.

WILLY, IT'S
FOR MY PARTNER,

AND SHE'S GOING TO
USE IT FOR TARGET PRACTICE,

BUT LATER SHE'LL
USE IT IN THE FIELD.

IT'S GOT TO HAVE
A 15-SHOT CAPACITY
AND ADJUSTABLE SIGHTS.

IT'S GOT TO HANDLE
THE SILVERTIP AMMO,

BUT IT'S ALSO
GOT TO HANDLE

THE STEEL JACKETED STUFF
WITH THE BLACK TIPS.

ONE DAY, SHE MAY HAVE TO
SHOOT THROUGH A STEEL DOOR.

I'D LIKE HER
TO HAVE THOSE
IN HER HANDBAG.

YOU WANT THE SIG,
DON'T YOU?

YEAH.

YEAH. WELL, I GOT
A COUPLE OF 'EM,

BUT I NORMALLY SAVE THEM
FOR MY S.W.A.T. GUYS.

YEAH? AND WHAT ARE WE,
THE PTL CLUB?

OK, OK. GEEZ.

THIS ONE HERE'S GOT
A 6-INCH BARSTOW BARREL,

AN ACM-2 COMPENSATOR.

YOU WANT
THE TRITIUM NIGHT SIGHT?

IT'S ANOTHER 400
IN CHANGE...INSTALLED.

HOW MUCH
FOR WHAT'S
IN THE BOX?

WELL, I GUESS I COULD
DISCOUNT IT A LITTLE...

FOR THE FBI.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS WILL IMPROVE
MY SHOOTING.

I TOLD YOU.

IT'S LIKE STARTING
A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
YOU'LL BE LYING IN BED

DREAMING ABOUT
TARGET PRACTICE.

DID YOU NOTICE THAT TRUCK
PARKED ACROSS THE STREET?

THE BREAD TRUCK? NO.

WE SHOULD GO.

WE MEET BUTZ AT 5:00
TO REVIEW INVESTIGATIVE
DETENTION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
IT'S DOING THERE?

THE BREAD TRUCK?

I'LL TAKE
A WILD GUESS.
DELIVERING BREAD?

ANYTHING ELSE?

JUST THE CHECK,
PLEASE.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S BEEN THERE
FOR 20 MINUTES

WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING,

AND THERE'S
NO BREAD STORE AROUND.

THERE'S
A REAL ESTATE OFFICE,

AN EMPTY BUILDING,
AND A BANK.

SO, MAYBE
THE DRIVER STOPPED

TO CASH A CHECK.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

HOW LATE DOES
THAT BANK STAY OPEN TILL?

CLOSE AT 3:00.

THANK YOU.

GIVE ME YOUR GUN.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD BE

SERIOUSLY
OVERREACTING HERE.

THE GUY'S PROBABLY
BRINGING DOUGHNUTS

TO HIS GIRLFRIEND
WHO'S A BANK TELLER.

OK. WE'LL JUST
CHECK IT OUT.

HOLY SHIT!

IT IS
A ROBBERY!

WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S FEDERAL.
IT'S OUR JURISDICTION.

WE'LL BUST THEM.

OK. YOU CROUCH DOWN
REAL LOW,

AND MAKE LIKE
YOU GOT A GUN

RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

OK. FBI.
FREEZE!

PUT YOUR WEAPONS
ON THE GROUND!

THIS IS GREAT.

OK, SCUMSUCKERS...

DeWITT AND ZUCKERMAN,
FBI, BUSTING YOUR ASS!

DON'T DICK WITH US

OR I'LL BLOW
YOUR HEADS OFF!

GOT IT?

YEAH.

WITH A GUN LIKE THIS,
YOU GET RESPECT.

THESE GUYS
ARE HISTORY.

OUT OF THE CAR!
FBI!

CAREFUL, I JUST
RETURNED FROM THE SHOP.

NO PROBLEM.

[TIRES SCREECH]

AAH!

TAKE THE WHEEL.

PUT YOUR FOOT
ON THE GAS.

YOU'RE SURROUNDED!

COME OUT WITH
YOUR HANDS UP!

FACE DOWN
ON THE PAVEMENT!

[SIREN]

THIS IS IT,
JANICE.

EVERYTHING
GOING NUTS--

WE WERE READY
FOR IT!

OK...

COME HERE.

READ THEM
THEIR RIGHTS.

I'M GONNA
TAKE CARE
OF THE COPS.

FBI. AGENTS DeWITT
AND ZUCKERMAN.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT.

IF YOU GIVE UP
THIS RIGHT,

ANYTHING...
EVERYTHING...
NOTHING...

NO PROBLEM.
IT'S UNDER CONTROL.

IF YOU GIVE UP
THIS RIGHT,

ANYTHING YOU SAY
CAN BE HELD AGAINST YOU.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO AN ATTORNEY.

IF YOU CANNOT
AFFORD ONE,

ONE WILL BE
APPOINTED.
UNDERSTAND?

WE'RE G-MEN,
JANICE.

YEP. WE'RE THE NEW
UNTOUCHABLES.

ONE DAY, OUR PICTURE'S
GOING TO BE UP HERE, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW,
ELLIE.

YOU WANTED TO
SEE US, SIR?

THE OTHER SENIOR AGENTS
AND I

HAVE BEEN REVIEWING
YOUR ACTIONS OF THIS AFTERNOON.

I NEED TO MAKE
SOME THINGS CLEAR.

THE FBI IS NOT
A S.W.A.T. TEAM.

OUR PROCEDURES FOR
DEALING WITH A BANK ROBBERY

ARE SET FORTH
ON PAGE 124

OF THE PROCEDURES
MANUAL,

WHICH NEITHER OF YOU
HAVE READ.

"NUMBER ONE,
SECURE THE SAFETY

"OF INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.

"NUMBER TWO,

"NOTIFY LOCAL AUTHORITIES
REQUESTING BACK-UP.

"NUMBER THREE,

"FOLLOW PERPETRATORS
WITHOUT EXPOSING YOURSELVES.

"NUMBER FOUR,

"ATTEMPT TO ISOLATE
PERPETRATORS FROM BYSTANDERS.

"NUMBER FIVE,

PROCEED WHEN
ABOVE CONDITIONS
HAVE BEEN SATISFIED."

THE FBI DOES NOT
APPROVE OF ITS AGENTS

PERPETRATING
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
SHOOT-OUTS

ON STREET CORNERS.

IT TAKES A DIMMER VIEW

WHEN ITS TRAINEES
ENGAGE IN SUCH ACTIVITIES.

IT HAPPENED
QUICKLY.

HAVE YOU TOLD ANYBODY
OF THIS INCIDENT?

WE JUST GOT BACK.

I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE
THIS MACHO COP COMPETITION.

I'VE SEEN IT
HAPPEN BEFORE.
NOBODY WINS.

THE MEDIA'S AGREED
TO COOPERATE.

THEY WON'T MENTION
THAT TRAINEES WERE INVOLVED.

IF ANYBODY FINDS OUT,

I'LL EXPEL BOTH OF YOU.
YOU'RE ON PROBATION.

THE ONLY EDGE
THIS AGENCY HAS

IS THE INTELLIGENCE
OF ITS AGENTS.

TRY USING SOME.

THAT'S ALL.

THANK YOU,
SIR.

THANKS.

WRIGHT, "B."

STRYKER, "B."

DiMAZZIO, "C."
YOU FAIL.

PETERSON, "C."
YOU FAIL.

GUANA, "C."
YOU FAIL.

PARKER, "B."

ZUCKERMAN, "A."

GOOD WORK,
ZUCKERMAN.

SHEPHERD, "A."
GOOD WORK.

BICKERSTAFF, "B."

DeWITT, "F."

ONE MORE
AND YOU'RE OUT.

BUTZ, "B."

KEANE, "B."

NAMI, "C."
YOU FAIL.

ZEIDEL...

FBI.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

UP AGAINST
THE WALL.

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU
DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

TURN AROUND.
SPREAD 'EM!

YOU WANT TO BE
AN FBI AGENT?

STAND STILL.

BANG. YOU'RE DEAD.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T NEED
THIS BULLSHIT.

I COULD BE
MAKING $60,000
IN A LOBBYING FIRM.

THIS WAS
A STUPID FANTASY.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

YOU CAN'T QUIT.
WE'RE TEAMMATES.

WE'RE NOT TEAMMATES.
WE'RE ROOMMATES.

JANICE, YOU WERE PICKED
AHEAD OF 6,000 PEOPLE.

DID YOU KNOW

THEY TURNED DOWN
RICHARD NIXON?

GOOD FOR THEM.

YOU'VE COME FURTHER
THAN NIXON,

AND YOU WANT TO QUIT?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

THEY NEEDED SOME WOMEN
FOR THEIR QUOTAS.

THEY DIDN'T WANT US.

SO WHAT?
WHO CARES?

WE'RE HERE.
WE'RE HALFWAY HOME.

HALFWAY HOME?

YOU'RE NOT
HALFWAY HOME.

YOU'RE FLUNKING.

YOU'RE HALFWAY
OUT OF HERE.

ONLY BRENT WILL MAKE IT.

THEY'VE BEEN
TRAINING HIM

SINCE HE WAS
A SPERM.

THEY'RE GOING AFTER
EVERYBODY'S WEAK POINTS.

THIS IS THE FBI WAY.

YEAH? WELL, THIS IS
THE ZUCKERMAN WAY.

I KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS.

YOU'VE NEVER FLUNKED
ANYTHING, HAVE YOU?

YOU GOT IT.

WOW.

UP TILL NOW,
YOU'VE ONLY TRIED

STUFF YOU KNEW
AHEAD OF TIME

YOU'D BE GOOD AT,
RIGHT?

EXCUSE ME.

I FLUNKED
PLENTY OF TIMES.

NO!

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOU FLUNK,
YOU WORK HARDER.

YOU FLUNK MORE,
YOU WORK HARDER SOME MORE.

YOU OUGHT TO
WRITE A BOOK,

THE JOY OF FLUNKING.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

MY FIRST MONTH
IN THE MARINES,

THEY KEPT SCREAMING
THAT I WASN'T
GOOD ENOUGH.

I REALIZED
THEY WERE RIGHT.

I WASN'T
GOOD ENOUGH.

I CAN HELP YOU WITH
THE PHYSICAL STUFF.

I CAN SHOW YOU STUFF
THAT ISN'T IN BOOKS.

YEAH? WHAT'S IT
TO YOU?

I WANT TO PASS.

I WANT TO BE
AN FBI AGENT.

AND RIGHT NOW,

I'M HAVING
A FEW PROBLEMS.

I WAS HOPING
YOU MIGHT
GIVE ME A HAND.

IF YOU DO THAT,

MAYBE WE'LL BOTH
HAVE A CHANCE.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE DREAMING.

SO?
YOU WERE GOING TO QUIT.

TRUE.

SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER,
DON'T SNAP IT.

RELAX. HAVE SOME FUN.

YOU'RE CLINT EASTWOOD,
ALL RIGHT?

DO AMERICA A FAVOR.

BLOW THE SCUM
OFF THE FACE
OF THE EARTH.

YEAH.

FIND THE BUZZ WORDS,
UNDERLINE THEM.

PUT COLORED
PAPER CLIPS BY THEM.

YOU'VE GOT TO START
TALKING LIKE AN FBI AGENT.

FORGET ABOUT
FOOT SWEEPS.

BEST MOVE FOR YOU,
KICK IN THE BALLS.

A KICK IN THE BALLS?

ONLY PROBLEM IS,

ANYONE WITH TRAINING
WILL EXPECT IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO
SURPRISE THEM!

14th AMENDMENT?

DUE PROCESS.

8th?

GUARANTEES AGAINST
UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

[BUZZ]

NOW THE RIGHT ARM.

COMMON LAW PRINCIPLES
STRUCK DOWN BY
GARNER VS. MEMPHIS?

FLEEING FELON RULE.

CONDITIONS JUSTIFYING
SEIZURE OF A VEHICLE...

YOU GOING TO
EAT THOSE?

YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

WITHIN THE CONSTITUTION,
IS THERE A SPECIFIC...

WALKER, "B+."

BLAKE, "B-."

CANADA, "B-."

BUTZ, "B."

DeWITT, "A."
GOOD JOB.

SOON, I'LL ASK YOU
FOR HELP.

ZUCKERMAN, "B."
YOU'RE SLIPPING.

"B"?

"B" IS GOOD.

OH, YEAH.
"B" IS GREAT.

WHAT ABOUT
THE NEW HAMPSHIRE
BRIBERY CASE?

ENTRAPMENT.

ENTRAPMENT?

IT'S IN
THE GRAY AREA, BUT--

UH, LISTEN.

EXCUSE ME.

I WAS WONDERING, UH,

IF YOU WANT TO GO
OUT FOR DINNER TOMORROW.

YOU MEAN,
LIKE GO OUT?

YEAH.

WE COULD ROLL DOWN
TO WASHINGTON,

DO A CHECK-IT-OUT THING.

YEAH. THAT WOULD
BE GREAT.

I'VE GOT A CAR.

I'LL PICK YOU UP...
7:00?

OK.

OK. I'LL SEE YOU
THEN.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU AND BRENT,

OUR NATION'S
CAPITAL,

TO DO KIND OF
A CHECK-IT-OUT THING?

SOUNDS LIKE
PARADISE.

HE'S PROBABLY
GOING TO TAKE ME

SOMEPLACE NICE.

PROBABLY.

WHAT AM I
GOING TO WEAR?

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT.

CALL IT OFF!

YOU KNOW ABOUT CLOTHES.
HELP ME.

WE COULD
GO SHOPPING.

ROLL DOWN
TO WASHINGTON,

DO A CHECK-IT-OUT
THING.

CAN I HELP YOU?

MY FRIEND HAS
A DATE WITH
A SENATOR.

SHE NEEDS
SOMETHING SEXY.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

HE'S NOT A SENATOR.

HE'S AN FBI AGENT.

AN EMBASSY PARTY?
SOCIAL SURVEILLANCE?

THAT SORT OF THING?

NO, JUST DINNER.

SHE HAS GREAT LEGS.

IT SHOULD MOVE
WHEN SHE WALKS.

MAYBE SOMETHING
SLIT UP TO THE WAIST.

SOMETHING THAT SAYS,
"JUMP ME!"

THIS IS BEN VINUTI.

I THINK IT WOULD
LOOK FABULOUS ON YOU.

UHH.

UHLL.

KIND OF NICE, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

DO YOU MIND?

NOT AT ALL.

OK. THE WAIST
IS TOO LOW.

IT SHOULD
TAPER MORE.

THE BACK LOOKS SHORT.

SHORT?

YEAH. THE DARTS
ARE OFF ANGLE.

THIS HEM
IS MACHINE-STITCHED.

FOR THIS KIND OF MONEY,
IT SHOULD BE HAND-STITCHED.

THE ONLY THING
IT WILL BRING YOU

IS A VISIT
FROM THE FASHION POLICE.

IT'S NOT YOUR COLOR.

DO YOU HAVE
THAT JAPANESE STUFF?

OF COURSE.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL FIND YOU
SOMETHING.

LOVE THE SOCKS.

I'VE NEVER SPENT $400
ON AN OUTFIT IN MY LIFE.

TOO BAD
YOU'RE WASTING IT

ON AN ARROGANT
NUDNIK.

HE'S A LITTLE
ARROGANT.

HE'LL LOOSEN UP.

TELL HIM YOU HAVE TO
WASH YOUR HAIR

FOR YOUR MOTHER'S
FUNERAL.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

CAN YOU GET THAT?
I'M NOT READY YET.

WELL, AREN'T WE
LOOKING CHARMING
TONIGHT?

WELL, DITTO.

ALL SET.

WOW.

YOU LOOK AMAZING.

YEAH?

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

GEE, I'M HUNGRY.
WANT SOME POPCORN?

NO, THANKS.

SHOULD WE GO?

SEE YOU LATER,
JANICE.

BYE.

[DOOR SHUTS]

IN MY FAMILY,

THE FBI'S
LIKE A RELIGION.

AN FBI FAMILY
IS NOT NORMAL.

LIFE IS A TACTICAL
EXERCISE.

WE WERE BROUGHT UP
IN CONDITION YELLOW--

AWARE OF
OUR SURROUNDINGS,

READY TO RESPOND.

I THINK MY FAMILY

IS MORE THE HAPPY-
GO-LUCKY TYPE.

IT GOES BACK TO
MY GRANDFATHER.

HE WAS STUDYING
TO BE A PRIEST,

BUT HE FELT
HE COULD DO
MORE FOR AMERICA.

J. EDGAR HOOVER
WAS LOOKING
FOR AMERICANS

WITH A HIGHER
SENSE OF PURPOSE.

HE AND MY GRANDDAD
HIT IT OFF.

WE'VE BEEN
AN FBI FAMILY
EVER SINCE.

IT SOUNDS
ULTRA-AMERICAN,

BUT IT'S WHAT
I AM.

I TRIED REBELLING.

I LET MY HAIR GROW,
WENT TO ROCK CONCERTS.

DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.

THIS FEELS RIGHT.

[CARS HONKING]

THE LIGHT'S CHANGED.

THANKS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

IT'S OPEN.

HI.

HI.

OK, UM, YOU KNOW
THE GUY AT THE LIBRARY?

HE SAID YOU HAD
PSYCHOLOGY OF DEVIANTS.

I WONDERED IF
YOU WERE THROUGH WITH IT.

MAYBE.

HE ALSO SAID
YOU HAD TAKEN

PROFILES IN
ABERRANT BEHAVIOR,

AND VIOLENCE
OF THE MIND.

I NEED THEM, TOO.

I THOUGHT IF YOU'RE
NOT ACTIVELY USING THEM...

NOT ACTIVELY.
THEY'RE OVER THERE.

GREAT. GREAT. GOOD. OK.

GREAT.
IT'S NOT
A DESK.

IT'S A DELI.

DID YOU EVER TRY
SESAME SNACKS?

THEY'RE FANTASTIC.

THE THING ABOUT--
WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S WEIRD.

UH, OK.

GOT 'EM.

I'LL BE BACK
IN THREE HOURS.

OK.

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU REALLY
GOING TO SPEND

SATURDAY NIGHT
STUDYING?

YEAH. IT'S
A LIFESTYLE THING.

PBS IS AIRING
A SPECIAL

ON NOBEL PRIZE
WINNERS.

INTERESTED?

HOW LONG IS IT?

AN HOUR.

TOO LONG.
HALF HOUR, MAYBE, BUT...

I HAVE A LOT
TO DO.

WATCH THE FIRST HALF.

YEAH. I COULD WATCH
A HALF HOUR

AND THEN STUDY.

OK.

YOU'RE SUCH
A WORRIER.

I KNOW.

OH.

IT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULD PUT ON
SOME CLOTHES.

I'LL WAIT
OUTSIDE.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS SO GREAT.

THE CLOSEST
I'VE EVER BEEN

TO A PLACE LIKE THIS

IS WATCHING DALLAS.

DO YOU WANT SOME MORE
WHITE WINE?

MMM.

EXCUSE ME, WAITER.

COULD WE HAVE
ANOTHER WINE
AND A MARGARITA?

MY DAD SAYS,

"WASHINGTON IS A NATION
UNTO ITSELF."

YOU KNOW,

DO YOU AND YOUR DAD
AND YOUR GRANDDAD

EVER GET TOGETHER

AND FORGET
ABOUT THE FBI
AND GET BLASTED?

SURE. WE DOWN A FEW
ON SUPERBOWL SUNDAY.

FRANKLY, THEY'RE
MORE CONCERNED ABOUT

WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO THE BUREAU THESE DAYS.

WHAT?

DON'T TAKE THIS
PERSONALLY.

THEY FEEL
THIS EQUAL RIGHTS

IS LOWERING THE CALIBER
OF NEW AGENTS.

YOU'RE KIDDING?

NOT YOU.
YOU WERE A MARINE.

THEY'D LOVE YOU,
BUT SOME OF THE OTHERS...

LIKE ZUCKERMAN--
GIVE ME A BREAK.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ZUCKERMAN?

SERIOUSLY, CAN YOU
SEE HER FUNCTIONING

AS AN AGENT?

YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE'S LIKE?

SHE'S LIKE THOSE PEOPLE

WHO BRAKE FOR
A CAT IN THE ROAD

AND CAUSE A 12-CAR
PILEUP.

YOU CAN'T STOP
FOR A CAT IN THE ROAD.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE
PREPARED

TO MASH THEM INTO
THE PAVEMENT.

SHE'S GUTLESS.
SHE'LL GET CUT.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
O'SULLIVAN, THE IRS AGENT?

SHE'S OUT.
THEY TOLD HER TODAY.

THANKS.

BY THE WAY,

I'VE SEEN ZUCKERMAN
SHOW A LOT OF GUTS.

OH, RIGHT.

WHAT DID SHE DO?

PUSH INTO LINE
AT THE DAIRY QUEEN?

BRENT, SHE'S MY FRIEND.

NO, I KNOW.

SHE STARTED WEARING
MIDLENGTH SKIRTS

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE
WAS STILL WEARING LONG.

HA HA HA!

[DOOR SLAMS]

HAVE A NICE TIME?

NOT REALLY.

[DOOR SLAMS]

OOPS.

FBI. YOU'RE UNDER
ARREST.

FBI. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

YOU STILL HERE?

HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD.

GIVE IT UP.
YOU'RE NOT CUT OUT
FOR THIS.

OW!

OOH!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT.

IF YOU GIVE UP
THIS RIGHT,

ANYTHING YOU SAY
CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU.

IF YOU CANNOT
AFFORD ONE,

AN ATTORNEY
WILL BE APPOINTED.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
EACH OF THESE RIGHTS?

UHH.

SEE YOU IN CLASS,
BUCKO.

AS YOU REVIEW
THESE CASES,

REMEMBER, THEY DOCUMENT

REAL CRIMES
INVESTIGATED BY REAL AGENTS.

YOU WILL WRITE
A COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW

OF EACH OF THESE CASES,

EVALUATING
THE METHODS EMPLOYED

BY THE AGENTS INVOLVED.

BE THOROUGH.

IT'S CRUNCH TIME.

CASE SEVEN--

SUSPECTED THEFT
OF GOVERNMENT PROPERTY.

THIS ONE'S SELF-EVIDENT.
CASE EIGHT--

COULD WE GO BACK
TO NUMBER SEVEN?

ZUCKERMAN, IT'S 9:00.

WE HAVE 11 OTHER CASES
TO REVIEW FOR TOMORROW.

I THINK WE SHOULD
LOOK AT THE INTERVIEW

OF THE STUDENT
WORKING THE NIGHT SHIFT--

THE BAGGER.

THE AGENTS DIDN'T DO
A COMPREHENSIVE JOB.

THEY DIDN'T ASK
ANYTHING PERSONAL.

THEY ASKED
WHAT HE KNEW.

THEY ASKED
WHAT HE SAW.
NOTHING.

HOW DO WE KNOW
IF HE'S TRUTHFUL?

WE HAVE NOTHING
TO MEASURE IT AGAINST.

COME ON.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

LET'S JUST REVIEW
THE FIELD NOTES.

NOBODY CARES
IF SOME DRY CLEANER

LOST NAVY BLANKETS.

I CARE.

OK.

FINE.

ABOUT THE NAVY BLANKETS
THAT DISAPPEARED

FROM THE WASHINGTON
DRY CLEANERS,

MS. ZUCKERMAN
AND MS. DeWITT

FEEL THE INVESTIGATING
AGENTS

DID NOT
GET PERSONAL ENOUGH.

THIS IS A ZERO CASE.

OUR TIME WOULD BE
BETTER SPENT

IF WE MOVED ON.

ALL IN FAVOR?

YOU'RE OUTVOTED.

CASE EIGHT--THE LONG ISLAND
KIDNAPING...

THE AGENTS ON
THAT BLANKET CASE

SHOULD HAVE
TAKEN IT FURTHER.

WHAT WOULD YOU
DO ABOUT IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST
COMPLAINING.

LET'S CHECK
THE GUY OUT.

ARE WE ALLOWED
TO DO THAT?

IT'S OUR JOB
TO CHECK EVERY DETAIL.

HE WAS A SOPHOMORE
AT BOLTON WHEN
IT HAPPENED.

HE'S PROBABLY
A JUNIOR NOW.

OK, DUANE BURBICK,
ROOM 103.

ELLIE, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO GO CRAZY.

WE WON'T
DRAW OUR GUNS.

WE'LL TELL HIM
WE'RE JOURNALISM
STUDENTS,

ASK SOME QUESTIONS,
AND LEAVE.

YOU SHOULD BE
THE GOOD COP.

I'LL BE
THE BAD COP.

I'D LIKE TO BE
THE BAD COP.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A GOOD COP.

THEY WOULDN'T
EXPECT IT THEN.

LET'S JUST
PLAY IT BY EAR, OK?

* SHE WORKED ALL DAY
IN HER OLD MAN'S STORE *

[CLICK]

* SHE WANTS TO
EARN SOME MORE *

* DADDY'S LITTLE ANGEL
TALKS IN CHURCH *

* BY THE END
OF THE WEEK... **

THIS GUY'S A SLOB.

GET HIM!

YEAH!

WOOO!

LET'S GO!

AW!
AW!

THERE'S THE SNAP...

OH!

GO! GO! GO!

AHH!

COME ON!

WHICH ONE
DO YOU THINK
IS DUANE?

HEY, DUANE!
HOW'S IT COMING, DUDE?

ALMOST THERE, DUDE.
HA HA HA!

GIVE IT TO FOZIO.

RUNS INTO
A WALL OF DANGER.

HE'S HAD TROUBLE
RUNNING AGAINST THIS TEAM.

THAT'S NOT
ABOUT TO CHANGE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING,
BABES?

NOT MUCH, DUDE.

HEY, AREN'T YOU
DUANE BURBICK?

AAH! GO!

YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH! GO!

GO! GO! GO!

GO!

LISTEN, DUANE.

DUANE, WE'RE
TAKING THIS
JOURNALISM CLASS--

NO WAY!

YEAH, AND WE'VE
GOT THIS ASSIGNMENT
ON UNSOLVED CRIMES.

WHAT KIND OF CRIMES?

INTERCEPTION!

LISTEN, DUANE.

DO YOU REMEMBER
LAST CHRISTMAS?

REMEMBER WORKING
AT PHIL'S CLOTHES,
THE NIGHT SHIFT?

THE STOLEN
BLANKETS, DUANE?

I CAN'T EVEN
REMEMBER THIS MORNING.

WAS ANYONE ELSE THERE?

ALL RIGHT, MAN.
LOOK, DUDES.

THIS HEAVY STUFF'S BRINGING ME
WAY DOWN, YOU KNOW?

SO UNLESS YOU
WANT TO PARTY SERIOUSLY,

TAKE A WALK.

I'M GOING TO
WATCH THE GAME.

OH, YOU WIMPS!

YOU WIMPS!

AW!

IT WAS THE THIRD
WIDE RECEIVER--

HEY, COME ON!

FBI. BAD NEWS.
YOU'RE BUSTED

FOR OBSTRUCTING
JUSTICE IN A FEDERAL
INVESTIGATION

AND FAILURE
TO COOPERATE.

OK, I'VE GOT DUANE HERE

FOR WITHHOLDING
INFORMATION.

I GUESS THE OTHERS WILL
HAVE TO SHARE THE DOPE RAP.

DOPE RAP?

WE GOT TO
BUST EVERYBODY?

A FISTFUL OF JOINTS,

THEY'RE LOOKING AT
THREE TO FIVE.

WAIT! WHAT IF
DUANE TOLD YOU
WHAT HE KNOWS?

DO YOU HAVE TO
BUST EVERYBODY?

WHAT IF DUANE
SPILLS HIS GUTS?

IT'S TOO LATE.
I'VE STARTED WRITING.

TOO LATE.
SHE'S WRITING.

THEY'LL LOVE YOUR TIGHT
LITTLE BUNS AT LEAVENWORTH.

DUANE, TELL THEM
WHAT THEY
WANT TO KNOW.

THEY'RE GOING TO
BUST US.

THEY'RE
JUST STUDENTS.

WE USED TO
BE STUDENTS.
REMEMBER?

RULES ARE RULES.

WE'LL BEND THEM.

SOMETIMES WE
BEND THE RULES.

YEAH!

IT ALL DEPENDS ON DUANE.

YOU KNOW IT, MAN.

TUNE IN ON IT
AND TELL THEM, DUDE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

I DIDN'T DO IT,

BUT LOUIE,
THE DELIVERY GUY

AT THE PIZZERIA
RIGHT NEXT DOOR,

I'LL BET IT WAS HIM.

THERE! SEE,
HE TOLD YOU.

I'M SUPPOSED TO
BEND THE RULES FOR THAT?

COME ON, DUANE.
TELL THEM MORE.

DUANE! DUANE!
DUANE! DUANE!

DUANE!
DUANE!

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

ACTIVATE THE BRAIN
CELLS, MAN!

THE DUDE HAD FUZZY HAIR,
BIG EARS, CROOKED TEETH,

AND THESE BIG BUG-EYES.

IT HAD TO BE HIM.

TELL HER WHERE
HE HANGS OUT.

IT WAS AT THE NEAL CLUB
ON M STREET.

COME ON.

NO, IT WAS L STREET
AND BALTIMORE.

IT WAS LOUIE!
IT HAD TO BE LOUIE!

OK, IS
THAT ENOUGH?

YEAH, I GUESS
HE COOPERATED.

YEAH!
YEAH!

YES, DUDE!

YES! YES!

YOU JERKING US AROUND?

NO WAY, BABE.

I'M TOO WASTED
TO JERK YOU AROUND.

OK.

YOU CALL ANYBODY,
AND YOU'RE ACCOMPLICES,

ONE TO FOUR
AUTOMATIC.

IF THIS IS BULLSHIT,
WE'LL BUST YOUR ASS.

THREE TO FIVE
FOR OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE

AND SEVEN
FOR SMOKING DOPE

IN THE NATION'S CAPITAL.

GOT IT?

YEAH.

THANKS, DUDE.

GOOD INTERVIEW.

I THOUGHT
I MIGHT HAVE
BEEN PUSHING IT.

IT WAS PERFECT.

YOU FEEL
LIKE DRIVING
TO BALTIMORE?

NOW, WHEN WE
GET INSIDE,

WHY DON'T YOU
LET ME DO THE TALKING?

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO ASK QUESTIONS?

THIS PLACE COULD BE
SCUMBAG HEAVEN.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME.

I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.

* LIVIN' OUT ON THE EDGE *

* NO MATTER
WHAT THEY SAY *

* THE PLEASURE OF PAIN,
DAY AFTER DAY, HEY! *

* DAY AFTER DAY, HEY... *

LET'S CIRCULATE.

* IT HURTS ME TO SEE YOU
THIS WAY, HEY, HEY! *

* LOVE KILLS *

* IT KILLS ME TO TREAT YOU
THIS WAY, HEY! HEY! *

HI.

HOW'S IT GOING?

* KILLS AND PILLS ME... *

I'M LOOKING FOR
A GUY NAMED LOUIE,

FUZZY HAIR,
CROOKED TEETH,
BUG-EYES.

HAS HE BEEN
AROUND LATELY?

SUCK SHIT
THROUGH A TUBE.

* THINK OF DESTRUCTION *

"SUCK SHIT
THROUGH A TUBE."

* LOVE KILLS *

* IT HURTS ME TO SEE YOU
THIS WAY, HEY, HEY! *

NICE OUTFIT.

* LOVE KILLS *

* AND IT KILLS ME TO TREAT YOU
THIS WAY, HEY! HEY... *

THESE PEOPLE
ARE QUITE HOSTILE.

HOW DO WE RELATE?

THE MUSIC'S
JUST TOO LOUD.

PULL THE PLUG
ON IT.

I'LL SHAKE THEM UP.

* THIS WAY, HEY, HEY *

* POCKMARKS AND SCARS
ADORN YOUR FACE *

* IT USED TO BE PLAIN *

* NOW IT'S JUST
GETTING UGLY *

* YOU'RE JUST CAUGHT UP
IN A LOSING RACE *

* PULLED OUT THE CARPET **

OK, EVERYBODY,
LISTEN UP.

KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
FBI. WE'RE INVESTIGATING--

AAH!
AAH!

AAH!

[GUNSHOTS]

NOW, YOU LOOK SMART.

TELL ME IF THIS
ISN'T CLEAR.

WE'RE WITH THE FBI.

WE'RE WORKING
FOR YOUR SAFETY,

AND OUR SUCCESS
DEPENDS UPON
YOUR COOPERATION.

ANY QUESTIONS?

NO.

I WANT TO KNOW

IF YOU'VE SEEN
A GUY NAMED LOUIE...

FUZZY HAIR...

CROOKED TEETH,

BUG-EYES.

YOU SEEN HIM?

HE GOT HERE
A HALF HOUR AGO.

HE'S IN THE CRAPPER.

THANKS FOR
YOUR COOPERATION.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

DUANE WENT
TO THE JOHN,

AND YOU GRABBED
THE BLANKETS...

ONLY YOU DIDN'T
KNOW THEY WERE
GOVERNMENT PROPERTY.

SO WHEN
THINGS GOT HOT,
YOU DITCHED THEM.

I TOOK THEM.

I DIDN'T KNOW
THEY BELONGED TO THE NAVY.

THAT'S ALL
WE WANTED TO KNOW.

ARE YOU GOING TO
TURN ME IN?

WE'RE JUST STUDENTS.
WE NEED THE GRADES.

YOU'VE BEEN
A BIG HELP.

THANKS, LOUIE.

"A BRIEF, INFORMAL CONVERSATION
WITH MR. BURBICK

"CONFIRMED OUR SUSPICION
THAT ONE UNNAMED PERSON

"WAS PRESENT
IN THE DRY-CLEANING SHOP

"ON THE EVENING
OF THE CRIME.

"IF A FOLLOW-UP INVESTIGATION
IS IN ORDER,

"WE WOULD SUGGEST
THAT MR. BURBICK BE REAPPROACHED

FOR PRIMARY
INTERROGATION."

THE REST OF YOU
COMPLETELY OVERLOOKED THE FACT

THAT THE ORIGINAL INTERROGATION
WAS SUPERFICIAL AND INCOMPLETE.

DeWITT, ZUCKERMAN,
"A PLUS."

YOU EXAMINED EVERY OPTION.

WE LIKE THAT KIND
OF WORK.

THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU'LL NOTICE MORE EMPTY SEATS
THIS AFTERNOON.

TODAY AT LUNCH,

EIGHT MORE OF YOUR BRETHREN
WERE DISMISSED.

THOSE WHO ARE LEFT
DESERVE TO BE CONGRATULATED.

YOU REALLY ONLY HAVE
ONE MORE HURDLE TO OVERCOME.

LET ME REMIND YOU THAT
THE SIMULATED CRIME EXERCISE

IS NOT A PIECE OF CAKE.

YOUR INSTRUCTORS
HAVE SET IT UP

TO BE JUST LIKE
A REAL CRIME SITUATION.

YOUR INSTRUCTORS CAN BE JUST
AS DEVIOUS AS REAL CRIMINALS,

SO BE WARNED.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

FEEL FREE TO GO OUT TONIGHT
AND ENJOY YOURSELVES.

YOU'VE EARNED IT.

GET OUT OF HERE.

NOW YOU GET TO
MAKE A TOAST.

OK.

TO LAW ENFORCEMENT.

GOOD ONE.

MMM...

TO, UH...
LAW ENFORCEMENT.

ALREADY DRANK
TO LAW ENFORCEMENT.

OH, YEAH.

UM...

HOW ABOUT, UH...

HAWAII FIVE-O!

YEAH, GOOD ONE.

AHH!

YOU WERE SAYING?

WHAT?

OH, YEAH!

THIS ONE DAY,
THE OTHER WAITRESS

HAD A DENTAL
APPOINTMENT.

THE BOSS HAD TO
GO TO THE BANK.

IT'S JUST
ME AND HIM.

HE COMES UP TO ME
AND GOES,

"WHY DON'T WE SIT
IN THE FREEZER
AND COOL OFF?"

THEY'RE THESE
BIG WALK-IN
REFRIGERATORS.

WELL, THERE WEREN'T
ANY CUSTOMERS.

I HUNG UP
THE CLOSED SIGN,
AND IN WE WENT.

IN THE FREEZER?

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

IN THE FREEZER?

WITH THE MEAT?

OH, IT WAS
JUST HAMBURGERS.

IT WASN'T LIKE
THERE WERE RACKS
OF BEEF HANGING UP.

YOU WANT
SOME PRETZELS?

YEAH.

THE LAST TWO GUYS
I WENT OUT WITH

WERE A PORTFOLIO MANAGER
AND AN ORTHODONTIST.

THEY WOULDN'T BE
CAUGHT DEAD
IN A FREEZER.

THE PORTFOLIO MANAGER
WAS INTO TRADING IN

HIS AUDI FOR A BMW.

THE ORTHODONTIST
WAS INTO TRADING

HIS BMW
FOR A MERCEDES.

THAT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE
A HOT DATE TO ME.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I GO TO A PARTY,
TALK ABOUT POLITICS,

AND I END UP
WITH A CERTAIN
TYPE OF GUY.

HUH!

I NEED A GUY
WHO WEARS JEANS,

HAS A TATTOO,
AND IS MUTE.

LIKE THIS GUY HERE.

HE'D BE GREAT.

HEY, YOU GOT
A TATTOO?

JANICE.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

LOOSEN UP.
YOU'RE TOO UPTIGHT.

YOU, I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

JANICE. JANICE,
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU GOT A TATTOO?

YEAH, I GOT
A TATTOO.

WHIP IT OUT.

SURE.

OOH...

A FISH.

I'M JANICE.
LET'S DANCE.

YOU HAVE
AN INCREDIBLE CHEST...

BUT SERIOUSLY,
YOU OUGHT TO
SHOW MORE HAIR.

MMM...THAT'S BETTER.

TELL ME SOMETHING...

DO YOU HAVE
A COLLEGE DEGREE?

NOPE.

GOOD. HAVE YOU EVER
MADE LOVE TO A WOMAN

UNTIL SHE LOST
CONSCIOUSNESS?

TWICE.

NO, FOUR--
FOUR TIMES.

OH!

GOOD ENOUGH.

HA HA HA!

HA HA!

JANICE?

JANICE, I THINK
YOU MIGHT BE

GETTING A LITTLE
CARRIED AWAY HERE.

I'M GOING TO FIND
A CHEAP HOTEL
WITH CAPTAIN AHAB

AND SEE IF HE CAN
PUT ME IN A COMA.

LET'S GO FOR A RIDE,

JUST YOU AND ME
AND MOBY DICK.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

JANICE.

JANICE, COME ON.
YOU'RE DRUNK.

WE'RE GOING HOME.

SHE'S NOT DRUNK.

COME ON, GILLIGAN.

LET'S GET THAT
HARPOON MEASURED.

WELL, MAYBE
SHE'S A LITTLE DRUNK.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT.

COME ON.

I'M TAKING
YOU HOME.

AH! OH!

THIS IS NO
REFLECTION ON YOU.

YOU WERE GREAT.

THANKS.

HEY, UH, MAYBE
SOME OTHER TIME, HUH?

TAXI!

TAXI!

I NEED A GUY
WHO WANTS TO MAKE LOVE

WHILE HE'S
WATCHING BOXING.

YOUR CASH
AND YOUR JEWELRY.

OOH!

ANOTHER NEW EXPERIENCE.

THERE'S ONLY
THREE OF THEM.

I'LL TAKE THE GUY
ON THE LEFT.

ELLIE, I'M DRUNK.

WE'RE TRAINED
PROFESSIONALS.
WE CAN HANDLE THIS.

BITCH, YOU
DON'T GET IT!

AAH!
AAH!

AAH!

OOH!

HE WAS KIND OF CUTE...

FOR A SOCIOPATH.

* SWING LOW *

SHH.

* Sweet Chariot *

* COMIN' FOR
TO CARRY ME HOME *

* OH, I LOOKED
OVER JORDAN *

* AND WHAT
DID I SEE *

* COMIN' FOR
TO CARRY ME HOME? *

SHH.

* A BAND OF ANGELS
COMIN' AFTER ME *

* COMIN' FOR
TO CARRY ME HOME *

SHH.

* SWING LOW *

SHH.

* SWEET CHARIOT *

* COMIN' FOR
TO CARRY ME HOME *

* SWING LOW **

ELLIE...

I HAD SO MUCH
FUN TONIGHT.

WE GOT DRUNK.

WE ALMOST
GOT MUGGED.

I MET A SAILOR
WITH A BIG FISH.

ELLIE,
DO YOU THINK

WE'RE REALLY
GOING TO BECOME
FBI AGENTS?

[SNORING]

ME, TOO.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

UGH...

HELLO.

THIS IS BELECKI.

BE IN MY
BRIEFING ROOM
IN FIVE MINUTES.

JANICE.

DON'T WORRY, JANICE.

THEY'RE JUST
DICKING WITH US.

WAKE YOU UP
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT,

TRY AND DISORIENT YOU.

THEY DO THE SAME THING
IN THE MARINES.

FBI SHAKES
THE PAIL,

AND THE CREAM
RISES TO THE TOP.

THAT GUY DRIVES ME NUTS.

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET IN HERE.

MOVE IT. MOVE IT. MOVE IT.

THE MEN YOU SEE BEFORE YOU
AND MYSELF

ARE THE TERRORIST
LIBERATION FRONT.

TONIGHT, WE'VE
KIDNAPED THIS MAN.

I'M GEORGE HUPPERMAN,

PRESIDENT OF
AN INTERNATIONAL
BANKING INSTITUTION.

THEY WANT MONEY.
THEY'LL KILL ME.

HERE'S OUR RANSOM DEMAND.

IN ADDITION, CLUES WILL BE
PROVIDED OVER THE NEXT 18 HOURS.

FIVE MINUTES
AFTER WE LEAVE,

OPEN THE RANSOM NOTE
AND BEGIN.

IS THERE
A HIERARCHY
OF LEADERSHIP

YOU WANT US
TO FOLLOW?

DON'T ASK ME.
I'M A TERRORIST.

FIRST, WE'LL
ESTABLISH A CLEAR
CHAIN OF COMMAND.

I PROPOSE MYSELF
AS AGENT IN CHARGE

WITH BICKERSTAFF, PARKER,
AND STRIKER AS UNIT HEADS.

ALL IN FAVOR?

CARRIED.
LET ME SEE THAT.

LOST THEM?

DID YOU LEAVE
THE RANSOM WHERE
THE NOTE SAID TO?

I SAW THE TERRORISTS
PICK UP THE MONEY,

AND THEN WE LOST THEM.

FOLLOW THEIR TRACKS
ON FOOT

AND KEEP ME
INFORMED. OVER.

THE REST OF YOU,

COMB THIS AREA
FOR CLUES.

THE TERRORISTS
CAME THROUGH HERE
TO GET THE MONEY.

OOH!

OH! WHOA!

THIS IS FUN.

YOU OK?

YEAH.

YOU DROPPED
SOMETHING HERE.

THAT'S NOT MINE.

NO, IT'S YOURS

BECAUSE IT WAS
ON THE GROUND
WHEN YOU--

WE GOT SOMETHING!
BRENT!

IT LOOKS LIKE
A MAP HERE.

LET ME SEE.

HURRY. LET ME SEE.

THIS SHOWS A PATH
FROM HERE TO THE SWAMP.

THAT'S WHERE
THEY'RE HEADED.
LET'S GO.

YOU THINK
THEY LEFT A MAP
FOR US TO FOLLOW?

I SAID LET'S GO.

BRENT, I AGREE
WITH JANICE.

THEY WANT US
RUNNING AROUND
THESE WOODS ALL NIGHT.

WE SET UP A CHAIN
OF COMMAND, DeWITT.

IF YOU CAN'T
RESPECT THAT,

RUN YOUR OWN OPERATION.

WE HAVE A JOB TO DO.

NOW, LET'S MOVE OUT.
COME ON!

SO...

NOW WHAT?

NOW WE KICK
SOME BUTT.

GOOD PLAN.

CANDLES, FLARES,
PUMPKINS?

A SPECIAL
DISPLAY PROGRAM.

THE PRESS
IS COMING IN.

WHO SIGNED
THIS AUTHORIZATION?

MR. BELECKI.

HE SNEEZED
WHEN HE SIGNED IT.

SEE, IT'S STILL WET.

NO.

NO.

NO.

STOP.

HA!

IS THAT THEM?

NO.

WAIT. I WANT
TO HEAR

THE REST OF THIS
CONVERSATION.

HA HA HA!
OK, GO ON.

NO.

NO.

STOP.

IT SOUNDS LIKE
BELECKI.

HE'S ORDERING
BREAKFAST.

FANTASTIC. OK...

ADMINISTRATION
BUILDING, WEST WING,

SECOND--NO.

THIRD FLOOR
IN THE BOARD ROOM.

HOWARD, YOU'RE
A GENIUS.

OH, GREAT.

I'VE GOT THE GEAR.
HOW'S IT GOING?

HUPPERMAN
AND BELECKI--

GEEZ!

THEY'RE IN
THE THIRD FLOOR

ADMINISTRATION
BUILDING.

THAT IS GREAT.
WHAT ABOUT BRENT?

HE'S IN THE FOREST,
BUT HEADED THIS WAY.

WANT TO TRY SOME
DISINFORMATION STRATEGY?

HE'S A GENIUS.

YOU GOT THE MAP?

WELL, YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?

ATTENTION,
RED DOG LEADER.

THIS IS HEADQUARTERS.
DO YOU COPY? OVER.

RED DOG LEADER,
DO YOU COPY? OVER.

HEADQUARTERS. OVER.

FBI HEADQUARTERS MISSION
COMMAND CENTER.

WE HAVE INFORMATION
CONCERNING YOUR MISSION.

DO YOU COPY? OVER.

I HOPE THEY KNOW
MORE THAN WE DO.

GO AHEAD. OVER.

UH, RED DOG LEADER,

WE HAVE A VISUAL IDENTIFICATION
OF THE SUSPECTS.

ZONE CHARLIE ZERO THREE.
DO YOU COPY? OVER.

CHARLIE...

ZERO THREE.

THAT--THAT'S
IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SWAMP.

SWAMP?

OVER.

UH, THAT'S CONFIRMED,
RED DOG,

AND WE SUGGEST
THAT YOU APPROACH THE SUSPECTS

WITH EXTREME CAUTION.

IS THAT
A CONFIRMATION? OVER.

AFFIRMATIVE,
HEADQUARTERS.
OVER AND OUT.

COME ON!
IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SWAMP?

WE'RE GOING TO
GET THESE GUYS.

YOU GOT EVERYTHING
YOU NEED?

AFFIRMATIVE.

ALL RIGHT.
SEE YOU.

OK.

JUST A MINUTE.

HOWARD?

YES.

BE CAREFUL, OK?

OK. THANKS.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

DO YOU THINK
WE'RE GOING
OVERBOARD ON THIS?

NAH.

NAH.

WE GOT SOME
CLOTH FRAGMENTS

STUCK IN
THE CHAIN LINK.

SOMEBODY'S
BEEN HERE.

LET'S GO.

WAIT. WAIT A SECOND.

THAT'S A RESTRICTED AREA.
WE NEED A WARRANT.

YOU ARE FIGHTING
TERRORISTS.
LET'S GO.

UGH!

[DOGS BARKING]

UGH!

UGH!

OH HOO HOO!

UH!

KEEP IT DOWN.

OK.

THEY'RE IN HERE.

SHH.

I KNOW IT.

I KNOW IT.

EEGH!

[FIRE ALARM RINGS]

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

FBI! FREEZE!
FBI! FREEZE!

GET YOUR HANDS UP!

AGAINST THE WALL!
SPREAD 'EM!

DON'T DICK WITH US.
WE'LL BLOW YOUR HEADS OFF.

IT'S OK, MR. HUPPERMAN.
YOU CAN RELAX.

YOU'RE A FREE MAN.
GOOD WORK, HOWARD.

SPREAD 'EM!

MR. BELECKI,
WE GOING TO
PASS THIS ONE?

YOU GET MY VOTE.

CUFF THEM, JANICE.

HOO!

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[SNEEZING]

[COUGHING]

TAKE COVER!

TAKE COVER!

HI. EXERCISE IS OVER.

THOUGHT YOU'D
WANT TO KNOW.

WHAT?

YOUR IDEA FOR
THE TWO-PRONGED
ASSAULT--

EXCELLENT,
REALLY WORKED.

WE'D GIVE YOU A RIDE,

BUT WE'RE FULL.

BYE.

[APPLAUSE]

SPECIAL AGENT
BRENT SHEPHERD.

SPECIAL AGENT
HOWARD BUTZ.

SPECIAL AGENT
JANICE ZUCKERMAN.

YOU WERE GOOD.

SPECIAL AGENT
ELIZABETH DeWITT.

AND THE WINNERS

OF THIS TERM'S
SPECIAL MERIT AWARD--

ELIZABETH DeWITT
AND JANICE ZUCKERMAN.

THANKS.

ON BEHALF OF JANICE
AND MYSELF,

I'D LIKE TO THANK
ALL THE INSTRUCTORS
THAT VOTED FOR US.

I HOPE THE PEOPLE
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

WILL SLEEP BETTER KNOWING THAT
WOMEN LIKE US HAVE GUNS.

[APPLAUSE]

GUESS WHAT?

I GOT DULUTH,
MINNESOTA.

DULUTH! THAT'S
GREAT, HOWARD!

ABSOLUTELY.
DeWITT AND
ZUCKERMAN, PLEASE.

THEY HAVE
A WINTER CARNIVAL.

THEY GOT
ICE FISHING,
THE WORKS!

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
A LOT OF FUN, HOWARD.

OPEN YOUR ENVELOPES.

YOU FIRST.

L.A. I GOT L.A.

L.A.?

GOOD ASSIGNMENT,
JANICE.

WOW!

OOH! OPEN YOURS.

I GOT L.A., TOO.

AAH!
AAH!

HA HA HA!

I'M SO HAPPY!

AHH!

OH, HOWARD!

OH, AND YOU'VE
GOT DULUTH.

I GOT DULUTH.

GREAT! OHH!

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989
WARNER BROS., INC.