Farce of the Penguins (2006) - full transcript

Subtitles provided
by Defender452

[ ??? ]

Male voice: [ Narrating ]
I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU

A BEAUTIFUL STORY;

A STORY THAT TAKES PLACE
SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY.

A PLACE WHERE
THE TEMPERATURE

IS 58 DEGREES BELOW ZERO.

IT IS THE COLDEST, DARKEST,
MOST BARREN PLACE ON EARTH.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ANTARCTICA.

ANTARCTICA:

YOU CAN GET THERE FROM HERE,
BUT IT'S QUITE A JOURNEY.



YOU'LL WANT
TO BRING A SWEATER,

OR MAYBE LET YOUR PUBIC HAIR
GROW REALLY LONG,

AND WRAP IT AROUND
YOUR TESTICLES.

IT'S THAT COLD.

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE TESTICLES,

SO YOU'D PROBABLY
LET YOUR PUBIC HAIR

GROW REALLY LONG
AROUND YOUR VAGINA.

WHATEVER YOUR GENDER,

ANTARCTICA IS A VERY
COLD PLACE TO LIVE.

BUT IT'S ALSO ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL PLACES ON EARTH.

[ Squawking of seagull ]

[ ??? ]

AND IF YOU'RE ONE
OF THOSE PEOPLE

WHO HAS BOTH TESTICLES
AND A VAGINA,



YOU MAY NOT WANT TO GO
TO ANTARCTICA AT ALL.

AMSTERDAM PROBABLY MAKES
MORE SENSE FOR WHAT YOU ARE:

HALF-MAN, HALF-WOMAN.

AND ANALOGOUS TO BEING
A HALF-MAN, HALF-WOMAN,

ANTARCTICA USED TO BE
POPULATED BY THICK BUSHES,

UNTIL MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO,

WHEN IT SLOWLY DRIFTED TO THE
SOUTHMOST POINT OF THE EARTH

WHERE ALL HELL FROZE OVER.

AMERICA USED TO BE POPULATED
BY THICK BUSHES TOO

UNTIL THEY STARTED BIKINI
WAXES AND BRAZILIAN CUTS.

HMMM-HMMM...

I MISS BIG BUSHES.

ANTARCTICA IS ABOUT
ONE AND A HALF TIMES

THE SIZE OF
THE UNITED STATES.

A CLAIM ONCE MADE
IN THE 1960s, BY CUBA.

BUT THIS ISN'T A STORY
ABOUT A COUNTRY

WHO'S JUST WAITING FOR
THEIR NEXT DICTATOR TO DIE.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT
THE AMAZING CREATURES

WHO FOR MILLIONS OF
YEARS HAVE LIVED HERE

IN MOTHER EARTH'S
FRIGID WHITE ANUS.

THIS IS A STORY
ABOUT SURVIVAL.

IT IS A STORY
ABOUT DETERMINATION.

BUT MAINLY, IT IS
A STORY ABOUT LOVE,

PENGUIN LOVE.

THIS IS THE...

[ ??? ]

[ ??? ]

Both:
WHOO-HOO!

OHHH!

WHAA!
OY!

Samuel L. Jackson:
[ Narrating ]
EVERY JANUARY,

THOUSANDS OF
MALE PENGUINS

GO TO THE OCEAN
TO FEED.

IT IS NATURE'S RITUAL...
Penguin:
YES!

GIVING THEM THE
FUEL AND STRENGTH

TO MAKE THE TREACHEROUS
JOURNEY BACK HOME,

WHERE THEY WILL THEN
MATE WITH THE BITCHES

THEY HAVE YET TO MEET.

BUT THOSE BITCHES
ARE 4 MONTHS AND
70 MILES AWAY.

SO FOR NOW, THE MALES
WILL BOND.

BUT DUE TO BUDGETARY ISSUES,
THEIR MOUTHS DO NOT MOVE,

YET WE CAN HEAR THEIR
EVERY NEUROTIC THOUGHT.

Male:
JIMMY, HAS IT
EVER DAWNED ON YOU

THAT WE HAVE MAJOR
EATING DISORDERS?

Jimmy:
CARL, EVERYBODY HAS
AN EATING DISORDER.

Carl:
YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE US.

WE DON'T EAT FOR 6 MONTHS,
AND THEN WE WALK 70 MILES,

FILL OUR GUTS
TILL WE'RE SUPER-SIZED,

AND THEN WE WALK BACK
70 MILES TO GET LAID.

IT'S SICK.

Jimmy:
CARL, WHEN WE
GET TO THE WATER,

TAKE A GOOD LOOK
AT YOUR REFLECTION.

YOU'RE A PENGUIN!

YOU DON'T HAVE
AN EATING DISORDER.

YOU'RE A PENGUIN.

WE WALK, WE EAT,
WE GET LAID.

Carl:
I JUST WISH OUR
LIVES WERE DIFFERENT.

Jimmy:
YOU MAKE YOUR OWN
HAPPINESS, MY FRIEND.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S
ENTIRELY TRUE, JIMMY.

Jimmy:
YOU DON'T THINK YOUR
OWN POSITIVE ATTITUDE

HAS A LOT TO DO
WITH WHETHER OR NOT

THE RELATIONSHIPS IN
YOUR LIFE ARE WORKING?

Carl:
IF YOU ACCEPT
RESPONSIBILITY

FOR YOUR PART OF
THE RELATIONSHIP.

MY OWN POSITIVE
ATTITUDE WASN'T ENOUGH

TO KEEP VALERIE
FROM LEAVING ME.

REMEMBER?

Valerie:
I'M LEAVING
YOU, CARL.

WHY, VALERIE?
I THOUGHT WE WERE
DOING SO WELL.

I WANT A
BIGGER HOUSE.

A BIGGER HOUSE?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WE LIVE OUTDOORS.
YOUR HOUSE CAN'T
GET ANY BIGGER.

WE JUST DON'T WANT
THE SAME THINGS, CARL.

OBVIOUSLY. YOU WANT
A BIGGER HOUSE.

THAT'S NOT EVEN IN
THE REALM OF REALITY.

GOODBYE, CARL.
[ Echoing ]

Carl:
AND THE YEAR
BEFORE HER: AMANDA.

Amanda:
I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU, CARL.

I CHEATED ON YOU.

HOW? WE'VE BEEN
STANDING RIGHT NEXT
TO EACH OTHER
FOR TWO MONTHS.

WHILE YOU WERE
SLEEPING, VITTORIO
CAME OVER AND...

WE MADE LOVE.

BUT I WAS STANDING
RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S
OVER, CARL.

YOU DIDN'T
EVEN WAKE UP.

Jimmy:
SHE HAD A POINT.

Carl:
AND THE YEAR BEFORE
HER: ESTHER.

Esther:
I CAN'T BE WITH
SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T
KEEP KOSHER.

ALL I EAT IS
FISH, ESTHER.

WHAT HAVE I EATEN
THAT'S NOT KOSHER?

HAVE YOU EATEN
SQUID, OR OCTOPUS,
OR SHRIMP?

YES, BUT I ONLY
EAT ONCE A YEAR. YOU
CAN'T BEGRUDGE ME.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH
MY HEART, CARL.

Jimmy:
YOU'VE BEEN CHOOSING
THE WRONG WOMEN, BUDDY.

Carl:
YOU KNOW, A LOT
OF PEOPLE PEAK
IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND THEN EVERYTHING
AFTER THAT IS DOWNHILL.

WELL, YOU JUST
GOTTA GET BACK
TO THE OLD CARL,

THE GUY I KNEW WHEN
WE WERE YOUNGER,

THE GUY WHO DIDN'T
CARE WHO HE BANGED
NIGHT TO NIGHT.

OOOH!
I ALWAYS CARED.

OH, YEAH, BUT NOW
YOU CARE TOO MUCH.

SORRY, BUDDY, IF
I DON'T EAT SOON,

I'M GONNA PASS OUT.

YOU BOYS READY TO
BLOCK YOUR COLONS
FOR THREE MONTHS?

Male:
WHERE YOU LEAD ME,
I WILL GO, JIMMY.

I HAVE NO
DISCERNIBLE PERSONALITY.

I JUST HOPE THERE'S
SAND DABS DOWN THERE.

LAST YEAR, SOME ASSHOLE
ATE ALL THE SAND DABS.

Male:
GOD, I LOVE
SAND DABS.

THEY'RE SO GOOD...

ALL SUCCULENT,
PAN-FRIED WITH
A LITTLE BUTTER.

Jimmy:
COME ON, MEN! LET'S
FILL OUR GUTS WITH FISH

AND THEN GET
US SOME... AHHH!

Male:
I'M RIGHT ON
YOUR TAIL, JIMMY!

I'M STARVING!
I'M HORNY.

I'M SIDNEY!

[ Cheering ]

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
PENGUINS ARE
FASCINATING CREATURES.

THEY ARE BIRDS,
BUT CANNOT FLY.

Male:
NATURE REALLY
FUCKED US.

CAN'T EVEN
JERK OFF.

Narrator:
THEY LIVE IN THE OCEAN, BUT
HAVE TO COME UP FOR AIR.

OW! ROCKS.
HURT. STOMACH.

SCRATCH. ROCK. RAW!

BLEEDING. SHIT. AH!

WHY... AM... I...
DOING THIS!

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
IT'S A FUN, INDULGENT
FEW MONTHS FOR THEM:

EATING WHENEVER
THEY WANT TO,

NO RESPONSIBILITIES,

IT'S KIND OF LIKE GOING TO
THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI.

TO GET IN THERE,
ALL YOU NEED IS A 1.8,

A SIX-PACK, AND A BONG.

THE MORE YOU WATCH THEM,
THE MORE YOU REALIZE

HOW BEAUTIFUL
PENGUINS ARE.

ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU
SEE SOMETHING LIKE...

THIS.

LOOK AT THE FACE
ON THAT POOR THING.

NOT EVEN HIS OWN MOTHER
COULD LOVE THAT.

[ Belching ]

[ Gurgling ]

Carl:
THIS CAN'T BE GOOD FOR
OUR INTERNAL ORGANS.

Jimmy:
STOP BITCHING AND
START GORGING, CARL.

WE ARE OFFICIALLY
UNDERWAY.

Carl:
THAT'S IT? AREN'T
WE SUPPOSED TO WAIT,
LIKE, 30 MINUTES

BEFORE WALKING
70 MILES?

YOU'RE SUCH
A PUSSY.

MAYBE THAT'S
WHY I LOVE YOU.

GOD, IT WAS FREEZING
DOWN THERE, JIMMY.

IF I HAD TESTICLES,
THEY'D BE UP INSIDE
MY BODY RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU HAD TESTICLES,
YOU'D BE GETTING
RAPED BY A SEAL.

NO MEANS NO.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S A NON SEQUITUR,
MY FRIEND.

NOT EVERYTHING HAS
TO HAVE MEANING.

OUR LIVES SHOULD.
UGH! HERE WE GO...

DON'T YOU
EVER THINK ABOUT
ANYTHING, JIMMY?

LIKE WHY WE
LIVE HERE.

WE COULD MOVE TO
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD
WE WANTED TO.

CARL, WHERE ARE WE
GOING TO MOVE TO,

AND HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET THERE, BURROW?

IT'S NOT LIKE WE
CAN GO ON THE INTERNET
AND FIND A DEAL.

THIS IS WHAT
WE DO.

WE WALK 70 MILES
FOR SAND DABS.

Male:
GOD, I LOVE SAND DABS.
THEY'RE SO GOOD.

ALL SUCCULENT, PAN-FRIED
WITH A LITTLE BUTTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

WE COULD MOVE
TO LOS ANGELES.

ALL WE DO IS WALK.
NOBODY WALKS IN L.A.

NEW YORK?
YOU'D FREEZE YOUR ASS
OFF IN THE WINTER.

CHICAGO?
TOO WINDY.

PALM SPRINGS?
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.

CARL, THE PROBLEM'S
NOT WHERE WE LIVE,

THE PROBLEM IS WHAT
YOU GOT GOING ON

INSIDE THAT NEUROTIC
LITTLE HEAD OF YOURS.

IT'S HOPELESS,
JIMMY.

IF I WAS EATEN BY A
KILLER SEAL RIGHT NOW,

NOBODY WOULD
EVEN MISS ME.

HEY, SHITHEAD!

[ Smack ]
OW!

I WOULD MISS YOU,

ALL OF OUR OTHER FRIENDS
WOULD MISS YOU TOO.

YEAH!
WE'D MISS YOU, CARL.
YOU GO, GIRL.

Jimmy:
OH, YOU GOTTA
SHAKE IT OFF, BRO.

IT'S TIME TO GET
OUT OF YOUR SLUMP.

YOU'RE GOING TO MEET
SOMEBODY AGAIN.

MAYBE EVEN THE ONE.

Carl:
YEAH, THE ONE OF FOUR
WHO LEAVES ME.

LISTEN, CARL,

I CAN REALLY HELP YOU
FIND A WOMAN THIS YEAR,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO
HELP ME HELP YOU.

YOU CAN'T BE SO
FREAKIN' NEEDY.

YOU HAVE TO
ASK YOURSELF,

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY
LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN?

Carl:
I JUST WANT SOMEONE
WHO GETS ME

FOR WHO I AM, NOT FOR
HOW MUCH MONEY I HAVE,

OR FOR THE CAR
THAT I DRIVE,

OR FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT I WEAR,

BUT FOR WHO
I AM INSIDE.

Jimmy:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Carl:
IT'S A MONOLOGUE
FOR MY ACTING CLASS

BUT IT'S HOW
I REALLY FEEL.

[ Clapping ]
EXCELLENT SCENE!

VERY MOVING!

I REALLY FELT
HIS PAIN.

PRECIOUS!

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
MEANWHILE, BACK AT
THE MATING GROUNDS,

THE AIR IS COLDER THAN
A WELL DIGGER'S ASSHOLE.

AND THE FEMALE PENGUINS
ARE HUDDLED TOGETHER,

TRYING TO STAY WARM,

WAITING FOR THE SUITORS
THEY'VE NEVER MET.

Female:
IT'D BE NICE TO MEET
A GUY THIS YEAR

WHO DIDN'T JUST
WANT ME FOR MY BODY.

Female:
THEY ONLY WANT
ONE THING, HONEY.

STEFAN CALLED
ME FRIGID

'CAUSE I DIDN'T
WANT TO MAKE A
BABY WITH HIM.

AW, GIRL, OUT HERE
WE'RE ALL FRIGID.

AND HE WAS JUST
PLAYIN' YOU, TRYING TO
GET YOU PUDDIN' PIE.

NOW, FORGIVE ME
FOR SAYING THIS,

BUT STEFAN
WAS AN ASSHOLE.

[ Sigh ]
I KNOW.

WHY DO I ALWAYS FALL
FOR THE ASSHOLES?

OH, YOU'RE
YOUNG YET, BABY.

IT'S NORMAL.

TRUST ME, IT'S
PART OF YOUR
FEMININE EDUCATION.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS
THE CUTE ONES.

OH, NOW WAIT
A MINUTE, BITCH.
NOT ALWAYS!

REMEMBER WHEN
I DATED RALPH?

HE WAS AN ASSHOLE
AND HE WAS U-GLY!

WHY'D YOU GO
OUT WITH HIM?

WELL HE USED TO
TELL ME HOW BEAUTIFUL
I WAS ALL THE TIME.

[ Chuckle ]

Ralph:
VICKY, YOU ARE THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I'VE EVER SEEN.

Vicky: [ Sigh ]
WELL, THANK YOU, RALPH.

Ralph:
LET'S MAKE LOVE
WITH OUR EYES CLOSED.

YEAH, WELL
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
WITH YOU, RALPH.

Female:
WHATEVER
HAPPENED TO HIM?

Vicky:
I THOUGHT I TOLD
YOU ABOUT THAT.

HE GOT SAT ON
BY A WALRUS.

SMASHED HIS
HEAD FLAT.

HE WAS NEVER THE
SAME AFTERWARDS.

OH, MY GOD! IT
DIDN'T KILL HIM?

UH-UH...
NOT RIGHT AWAY.

GIRL, HE DIED
MONTHS LATER CHOKING
ON A DAMN ANCHOVY.

HIS HEAD WAS SMASHED
SO FLAT, HE COULDN'T
EVEN SWALLOW IT!

TSK. OH, I'M
SORRY, VICKY.

AND I DIDN'T THINK
HE COULD GET UGLIER,

BUT DAMNED
IF HE DIDN'T.

I AM SO READY TO
MEET SOMEONE NEW.

UGH! I'M SO FED UP
WITH THE CLUB SCENE.

SO ARE BABY SEALS.

I'M SERIOUS, VICKY.

IT TAKES US MONTHS
TO GET READY.

WE COME TO A SPA
LIKE THIS ONE,

GET ALL DOLLED-UP,
FIX OUR HAIR,

GET OUR NAILS DONE,
GET OUR EYEBROWS WAXED,

AND WHAT AM I
DOING IT ALL FOR?

THE GUY I CHOOSE
IS JUST GOING TO TURN OUT
TO BE ANOTHER ASSHOLE.

Vicky:
HONEY, MY MAMA
USED TO TELL ME,

"THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES,

IT'S JUST A MATTER
OF WHICH ONE YOU WANT
TO END UP WITH."

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
YOU KNOW, I'M SO
FULL RIGHT NOW,

IF I FARTED, A MINNOW
WOULD POP OUT OF MY ASS.

Carl:
DON'T TRY TO
GROSS ME OUT, JIMMY.

Jimmy:
I'D PROBABLY
EAT IT TOO.

Carl:
JIMMY, STOP IT
OR I'LL THROW UP.

Jimmy:
I'D PROBABLY
EAT THAT TOO.

Carl:
SHUT UP, WILL YOU!

Jimmy:
SERIOUSLY, CARL,
I'LL EAT ANYTHING.

I'M LIKE A
NANNY GOAT.

THAT WAS A GOOD PIECE OF
SALMON YESTERDAY, WASN'T IT?

WHY IS IT ALL WE
TALK ABOUT IS THE
LAST MEAL WE ATE?

WE TALK ABOUT
BREAKFAST DURING LUNCH,

LUNCH DURING DINNER,

AND DINNER
DURING BREAKFAST.

Jimmy:
THAT IS WHAT WE
DO, MY FRIEND.

IT'S OUR HERITAGE.

Jimmy:
OUR PARENTS DID IT,
THEIR PARENTS DID IT,

ALL MY BASTARD CHILDREN
ARE GOING TO DO IT.

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT? OUR GREAT-
GREAT-GRANDFATHERS

STOOD ON THIS VERY
SPOT 100 YEARS AGO,

AND HAD THIS EXACT
SAME CONVERSATION.

Jimmy's grandfather:
THAT WAS A GOOD PIECE OF
SALMON YESTERDAY, WASN'T IT?

Carl's grandfather:
WHY IS IT ALL WE
TALK ABOUT IS THE
LAST MEAL WE ATE?

[ Hacking/coughing ]

YOU OKAY?
YEAH, EXCUSE ME.

I HAD A BONE STUCK
IN MY THROAT.

Carl:
THAT'S WHAT
I'M SAYING. WE'RE
NOT EVOLVING.

THERE'S GOT TO BE
MORE TO LIFE THAN FOOD.

WE DON'T EAT TO LIVE,
WE LIVE TO EAT.

Jimmy:
WE ALSO LIVE
FOR SEX.

Male:
DID SOMEONE
SAY "SEX"?

I JUST SHOW UP ON
CUE WHEN I HEAR THAT.

Jimmy:
UH, HEY, SIDNEY.
HEY, GUYS.

IT'S EXCITING,
ISN'T IT?

WE'RE ON OUR WAY,
AT THE START OF
OUR JOURNEY

TO GET OURSELVES
SOME PUSSY.

Carl:
SIDNEY, CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?

Sidney:
OF COURSE, CARL.
WE'RE BROS.

Carl:
WELL FORGIVE ME
FOR ASKING YOU THIS...

I'VE, UH,
I'VE KNOWN YOU
FOR HOW LONG NOW?

Sidney:
LIKE, FOUR YEARS.

RIGHT. WELL,
THE PAST FEW
MATING SEASONS,

I... I DIDN'T
SEE YOU, UH...
YOU KNOW...

HOOK UP
WITH ANYONE.

AND I'VE ALWAYS
WONDERED...

UH...
I-IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT
YOU'RE ASKING HIM.

JUST ASK THE MAN.
I'M GETTING TO IT!

I... I'M JUST
WONDERING,
SIDNEY, IF...

WELL, ALL THIS
TIME, AND...

THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH IT,

ALL THIS TIME, I
JUST KIND OF THOUGHT
THAT YOU WERE...

GAY.

Sidney:
GAY?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

[ Nervous laugh ]
THAT'S SO FUNNY!

GAY? I CAN'T...

I AM SO ALL
ABOUT THE PUSSY!

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
CLEARED UP THE RUMOURS.

WELL, YOU TELL THOSE
BOYS TO STOP RUMOURING.

I'M GOING FOR A JOG, WORK
OFF SOME OF THIS DINNER.

UGH! I'M
SO BLOATED.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL SEE YOU
BOYS IN A FEW!

GAY!

[ Laughing ]
THAT IS SO FUNNY!

GAY!
[ Laughing ]

Jimmy:
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN
LEARN SOMETHING
FROM SIDNEY.

HE ACCEPTS
WHO HE IS.

HE DOES?
APPARENTLY SO.

AND YOU, ON
THE OTHER HAND,

ARE GOING THROUGH
A MAJOR MID-LIFE
CRISIS, MY FRIEND.

AND IT'S
DRIVING ME NUTS.

OH, HI, STEVE.

[ ??? ]

HELLO, JIMMY.
HELLO, CARL.

Carl:
OH, HELLO, STEVE.

AND HOW... HOW ARE
WE FEELING TODAY?

Carl:
NOT SO GOOD, STEVE.

WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO
THE BREEDING GROUNDS

AND I CAN'T
STOP OBSESSING

OVER ALL THE NEGATIVES
OF MY LIFE,

ESPECIALLY MY WRONG
CHOICES IN WOMEN.

MM-HMM. CARL, WE...

WE HAVE THE SAME
DISCUSSION EVERY SEASON.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER?

Jimmy:
THAT'S WHAT
I ASKED HIM!

I'M TALKING
TO CARL, JIMMY.

WHAT IS IT
YOU WANT, CARL?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

TO HAVE A WOMAN
WHO UNDERSTANDS ME.

OH, THAT'S GOOD. AND
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU THINK

WOULD HELP A WOMAN
UNDERSTAND YOU?

UM... IF MAYBE
I UNDERSTOOD HER?

MM-HMM.

AND IT WOULD HELP, I GUESS,
IF I WASN'T SO... NEEDY.

I'VE TOLD
HIM THAT TOO!

AND YOU ALSO KEEP TELLING ME I
NEED TO GET LAID ALL THE TIME.

AND HOW DOES THAT
MAKE YOU FEEL, CARL?

PRESSURED.

MAYBE JIMMY'S JUST TRYING
TO GET YOU OUT OF YOUR RUT.

Jimmy:
EXACTLY!

THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO DO, BRO.

I THINK WE'VE MADE
PROGRESS TODAY.

NOW... NOW GO WITH
JIMMY AND THE OTHERS,

AND YOU HAVE A LONG
JOURNEY AHEAD OF YOU.

I'LL JUST BILL
YOUR INSURANCE.

OKAY.

THANKS, STEVE.

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF,
AND REMEMBER:

WHEN ALL LOOKS LOST,
YOU NEED TO HAVE A PHYSICAL
PRESCRIPTION WITH YOU.

Carl:
ALL RIGHT.
REMEMBER, BOYS,

WISDOM COMES
FROM SUFFERING.

Carl:
WHO SAID THAT?

Steve:
MY MOTHER!

Narrator:
THREE MONTHS HAVE GONE BY,

AND NOW IT IS MARCH.

AND THAT IS JUST WHAT
THESE LITTLE MASOCHISTS
ARE GOING TO DO:

MARCH,

70 MILES BACK HOME,
TO WHERE THE WOMEN ARE,

TO WHERE THE ICE
IS THICKER,

WHICH MAKES IT SAFER FOR
THEM TO MATE AND GIVE BIRTH

BEFORE THE APPROACHING
POLAR WINTER

FREEZES THEIR
LITTLE BUTTHOLES
COMPLETELY SHUT.

[ ??? ]

All:
OUGA CHAKA,
OUGA CHAKA,

OUGA CHAKA,
OUGA CHAKA.

68 MILES, 5,279 FEET,

68 MILES, 5,278 FEET,
68 MILES...

Male:
I HOPE YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE GOING,
'CAUSE I'M FOLLOWING YOU.

[ Whistling ]

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
YOU'VE GOT TO COUNT
YOUR BLESSINGS, CARL.

NOT MANY ANIMALS CAN DO
20 HOURS OF CARDIO A DAY.

Carl:
WE'RE SO ATHLETIC,
AND WE CAN'T EVEN
SCRATCH OUR OWN ASSES.

Jimmy:
AMERICA'S
FAVOURITE PASTIME.

WALRUSES CAN.

CAN WHAT?
SCRATCH THEIR
OWN ASSES.

NO THEY CAN'T,
THEIR ARMS ARE
SHORTER THAN OURS.

I'VE SEEN THEM DO IT,
AND IT'S NOT PRETTY.

I'VE GOT AN ITCHY ASS.

MY ASS IS SO ITCHY.

SCRATCHING MY ASS.

SCRATCHING
MY ASS TOO.

OH, THE HUMANITY!

Jimmy:
I STAND
CORRECTED.

YOU STARTING TO FEEL
ANY BETTER, CARL?

YEAH, A LITTLE.
THANKS.

MAYBE THAT GIRL,
DEBBIE, WILL BE
THERE THIS YEAR.

Jimmy:
OH, YEAH, DEBBIE.

END OF
LAST SEASON.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
CLOSE THAT?

Carl:
SHE WOULDN'T
RETURN MY CALLS.

HOW MANY TIMES
DID YOU CALL HER?

I DON'T KNOW, I
JUST KEPT CALLING HER.

DEBBIE!

DEBBIE!

Debbie:
OH, SHIT.

DEBBIE!

DEBBIE?

Carl:
MUST HAVE CALLED
HER TEN TIMES.

Jimmy:
YOU CALLED
HER TEN TIMES?

YEAH.

BRO, THAT'S
STALKING.

Jimmy:
YOU CAN'T JUST
KEEP CALLING A GIRL.

YOU CALL HER ONCE,
IF SHE DOESN'T
RESPOND, THAT'S IT.

I SHOULD HAVE
DISGUISED MY VOICE.

[ Changing voice ]
HELLO, DEBBIE,
THIS IS NOT CARL.

I'M ANYBODY
BUT CARL.

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO OUT WITH ME?

Carl:
OOPS! SORRY.

Male:
WHO YOU PUSHING,
MOTHERFUCKER?

I DIDN'T DO IT
INTENTIONALLY.

ARE YOU PUSHING ME
JUST 'CAUSE I'M BLACK?

Carl:
UH... NO.

I'M BLACK TOO.

YOU SAYIN' WE
ALL LOOK ALIKE?

UH, NO. I JUST...

YOU JUST WHAT?
DON'T MAKE ME SMACK
FIRE OUT YO ASS.

STAND BACK!

I JUST... I...

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL
BLACK, AREN'T WE?

Jimmy:
AND WHITE.

Male:
YOU WANT
SOME OF THIS?

Jimmy:
HEY, LOOK, HE
DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

Male:
WHAT ARE YOU?
HIS BITCH?

Carl:
NO, LOOK, I'M REALLY
SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOU.

Male:
OFFENDED? BY
YOU TWO CRACKERS?

HOW ABOUT, NOT
GIVE A SHIT ABOUT?

AW... COME ON, MAN! I'M
JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU.

WE'RE GONNA BE SPENDING,
LIKE, THREE MONTHS TOGETHER.

I'M MARCUS.

Carl:
CARL.

Jimmy:
JIMMY.

ALWAYS COOL TO MEET
ANOTHER BROTHER.

Marcus:
WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU AIN'T MY BROTHER.

AHHH-HA! I'M JUST
FUCKIN' WITH YOU AGAIN!

YOU BOYS ARE GULLIBLE.
I MEAN, GULLIBLE.

LIKE A GULL
WHO'S A BULL.

WORD.

NOTHING, HUH?
A'IGHT. LET'S GET GOIN'.

CAN'T WASTE A WHOLE
DAY TALKIN' THIS SHIT.

A DAY HERE IS LIKE
THREE WEEKS LONG, RIGHT?

EXACTLY.
YEAH.

IT CERTAINLY IS.

HOME PENGUIN. WHERE'S
THAT MUSIC WE WAS
WALKING TO BEFORE?

[ Marching ??? ]

TURN THAT SHIT OFF!
[ Scratching of record ]

IF WE WALKING 70 MILES,
THE MUSIC WE WALKING TO
HAD BETTER BE SLAMMIN',

NOT THAT
PHILHARMONIC BULLSHIT.

LET'S TRY
THAT AGAIN.

? I WANNA BE OKAY ?

? I JUST WANT FOR ONCE ?

? NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ?

Marcus:
WHAT IS THIS?

Carl:
OH, THIS MUSIC?

Jimmy:
YEAH, IT'S BY
THIS NEW YOUNG GUY
I SAW IN A BAR,

LIKE, AT 2:00 A.M.
IN THE EAST VILLAGE.

DO YOU LIKE IT?
Marcus:
[ Chuckling ]

IT'S VERY GOOD.

I BET HE'S
REALLY NICE TOO.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN'T WALK
TO THAT SHIT!

TURN THAT SHIT OFF!
[ Scratching of record ]

Jimmy:
BUT MY FAVOURITE
PART WAS COMING UP.

Marcus:
WELL, WE AIN'T IN
THE EAST VILLAGE,
HOMIE POSTROMI,

WE AT THE ASSHOLE
OF THE EARTH.

AND I WILL WALK
OFF THIS PICTURE

IF I DON'T GET SOME GOOD
TRAVELLING MUSIC, YOU DIG?

? JAY, DASH, V-O-N ?

YEAH!

THIS IS WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT!

? HEY, SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

Marcus:
YOU FEEL ME?

SHAKE THAT ASS.

? HEY, SEXY, COME
UNDRESS ME ?
BOUNCE!

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?
BOUNCE TO IT.

? GIVE ME THAT ?
YEAH!

DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT.

AND PICK IT UP
WHEN IT'S COLD.

[ ??? ]

Vicky:
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT
WHO THE LUCKY MAN IS,

WHO'S GOING TO GET
SOME OF THIS HOT BOOTY.

Female:
I SWEAR, VICKY,

ALL YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT IS SEX.

NO, THAT'S
NOT TRUE.

I THINK ABOUT LOTS
OF OTHER THINGS.
LIKE?

OKAY, LIKE... LIKE
SARDINES AND FRESH
SHRIMP AND, UM...

AND...
Female:
EXCUSE ME!

Vicky:
HELEN.

WHY DON'T THAT
BITCH JUST DIE?

Helen:
SOMEONE USED MY LIP GLOSS.

Female:
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE,
ISN'T IT?

Vicky:
YES, WE DON'T HAVE
LIPS. SHE'S BIPOLAR.

Helen:
I'M GOING TO FIND
OUT WHO DID IT.

AND WHEN I DO, I AM
GOING TO EMBARRASS
THEM PUBLICLY.

Female:
AND THEN JUSTICE
WILL BE SERVED.

Helen:
YOU YOUNG BITCHES TODAY
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I USED TO DO MY
WHOLE FACE COMPLETELY
WITH FREE SAMPLES

AND I GOT A FREE
MAKEUP CASE.

Vicky:
I'LL NEVER
UNDERSTAND WHY GOD

TAKES AWAY GOOD
PEOPLE WE LOVE

AND LEAVES US
WITH SOMETHING

AS ROTTEN AND
RAGGEDY-ASSTARD
AS...

Both:
HELEN.

[ Chuckling ]

Female:
AND THE SUPREME JOKE IS,

SHE'LL FIND A MAN
AND HAVE HIS BABY.

Vicky:
MM-HMM. NOW, GOD
HELP THAT CHILD.

PROBABLY GOING TO WIND
UP BEING A NASTY BITCH

JUST LIKE HIS MAMA.

Female:
I'M NERVOUS TO MEET A MAN

I'D ACTUALLY WANT
TO HAVE A BABY WITH

WHEN ALL I'VE EVER
DONE IS FOOL AROUND.

Vicky:
OH, THAT'S THE
WAY IT IS TODAY.

YOU KNOW, SECOND BASE USED
TO MEAN COPPING A FEEL.

NOW IT'S:
"LET ME LIFT IT UP

AND SAY, 'HEY TO
MY PUDDIN' POP'."

MELISSA, GIRL, YOU'LL
HAVE NO TROUBLE

GETTING A GOOD MAN.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE
PRETTIEST GIRLS
IN ANTARCTICA.

Melissa:
YEAH, WELL I'VE
NEVER MET ANYONE

WORTH HAVING A BABY
WITH, THOUGH.

Vicky:
LISTEN TO ME, GIRL.

WHEN THE RIGHT
MAN COMES ALONG,

YOU WILL JUST KNOW IT.

AND HIS TOUCH WILL BE
LIKE A LIGHTNING BOLT

THROUGH YOUR VEINS.

Melissa:
OH, I DREAM OF THAT DAY.

[ ??? ]

Melissa:
? I WALK AROUND ?

? NOWHERE TO GO ?

? JUST STAND AND WAIT ?

? IN YELLOW SNOW ?

? MY HEART IS FULL ?

? YET I'M SO LOW ?

? BUT WHEN I FIND HIM ?

? I'LL KNOW ?

[ ??? ]

Carl:
? HOW CAN IT BE ?

? I LOVE HER SO ?

? THIS GIRL OF MINE ?

? I'VE YET TO KNOW? ?

Jimmy:
? YOU WILL MY FRIEND ?

? JUST TAKE IT SLOW ?

? 'CAUSE WHEN
YOU FIND HER ?

? YOU'LL KNOW ?

Melissa:
? SO MANY MEN ?

? THEY WANT ONE THING ?

? TO SLIP IT IN ?

? WITHOUT A RING ?

Jimmy:
? IF SHE'S NOT CLEAN ?

? IT'S GONNA STING ?

Carl:
? BUT I LOVE HER SO ?

Melissa:
? A MAN I DO
NOT KNOW ?

? A GIRL I'VE
YET TO KNOW ?

Melissa & Carl:
? WE'LL TRY AND TAKE IT SLOW ?

? 'CAUSE WHEN WE FIND THEM ?

? WE'LL KNOW ?

Sidney:
? YES WHEN I FIND HER ?

? I'LL KNOW ?

? I'LL KNO-OW ?

[ Rap ??? ]

Narrator:
AFTER THEY HAVE TRAVELLED
FOR A WEEK OR MORE,

THEY SHIFT FROM
WALKING UPRIGHT

TO BODY-SURFING
ON THEIR BELLIES,

A TRANSPORTATION METHOD
THEY'VE BEEN EMPLOYING

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Jimmy:
HEY, CARL, KEEP YOUR
NOSE OUT OF MY ASS.

I'VE GOT ENOUGH
TROUBLE SCRAPING MY
DICK ACROSS THE ICE.

Marcus:
KEEP ON GOING, BOYS.

WE'VE GOT
A LONG WAYS TO GO.

[ Farting ]

All:
UGH!

Carl:
SORRY, IT'S
THE ANCHOVIES.

THEY DON'T AGREE WITH ME.

Marcus:
FUCK THIS SHIT!

I'M GOING TO THE
FRONT OF THE TRAIN.

WHERE THE FUMES FROM
ANOTHER PENGUIN'S ASS

WON'T BURN OFF
MY EYEBROWS.

ASSHOLE SMELLED LIKE
EIGHT CANS OF ORCA SHIT.

Males:
[ Speaking in French ]

[ Farting ]

[ Accordion ??? ]

[ Rap ??? ]

Carl:
SO WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING IS,

ASK THEM ABOUT
THEMSELVES.

Jimmy:
AND LISTEN TO
THEIR ANSWERS.

DON'T JUST
NOD AND THINK

ABOUT THE NEXT
AWKWARD THING
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.

WAIT A SECOND.

EVERYBODY, FREEZE.
Carl:
WE ARE.

Jimmy:
I MEAN STOP MOVING.

THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR.

Carl:
OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS WHERE
WE STARTED.

Marcus:
YOUR SENSE OF DIRECTION

IS AS GOOD AS YOUR
DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

Carl:
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T
TOLERATE ANCHOVIES.

Marcus:
THOUGHT YOU GUYS KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE GOING.

Carl:
WE'VE MADE THIS JOURNEY
OUR WHOLE LIVES.

WHY WOULD ALL OF
OUR INSTINCTS BE
OFF LIKE THIS?

MAYBE IT'S A CURSE.

Jimmy:
BUT SERIOUSLY, CARL.
CALM DOWN. SHIT HAPPENS.

Carl:
I DON'T THINK YOU
REALIZE THE SEVERITY OF
THE SITUATION, JIMMY.

WE'RE RIGHT BACK
WHERE WE STARTED FROM.

CARL, YOU'RE HAVING
ANOTHER ANXIETY ATTACK.

NOW, GET A HOLD
OF YOURSELF

BEFORE I HAVE
TO BITCH-SLAP YOU.

Marcus:
I THINK I NEED TO
FIND ME A NEW POSSE.

Carl:
YOU ALMOST HAD ME
BELIEVING I'D MEET
A WOMAN THIS YEAR.

WELL, THAT'S NOT
GOING TO BE POSSIBLE

SINCE WE'RE NEVER
GOING TO GET THERE

'CAUSE WE'RE RIGHT BACK
WHERE WE STARTED FROM!

Jimmy:
I'M DOING THIS FOR
YOUR OWN GOOD, MAN.

GET A HOLD
OF YOURSELF!

WE ONLY WALKED
A FEW MILES IN A CIRCLE.

[ Smack ]
Carl:
OW!

Marcus:
THOSE ARE TWO CRAZY
MOTHERFUCKERS!

Carl:
THANKS, JIMMY.
I NEEDED THAT.

Marcus:
SO LONG, CRAZY
MOTHERFUCKERS!

SEE YOU IN BOOTYVILLE!

CAN YOU FEEL ME?
? UNDERSTAND ME ?

'CAUSE I FEEL YOU.

[ Rap ??? ]

OH-OH-AH!

TO THE BEAT-BEAT!

Carl:
I REALLY HAVE BEEN
A MESS, HAVEN'T I?

Steve:
CARL, IT'S TIME
TO MOVE FORWARD.

[ ??? ]

HELLO, STEVE.

CARL, I KNOW
HOW IT MAY FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE NOT
GOING ANYWHERE, BUT...

BUT IF YOU STAY
ON THE PATH,

IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW MANY TIMES

YOU HAVE TO START
FROM THE BEGINNING.

Jimmy:
ESPECIALLY IF
YOU'RE O.C.D.

Steve:
JUST STAY ON
THE PATH, CARL.

YOU'LL FIND YOUR WAY!

THAT'S $250.

Jimmy:
THAT'S GOT TO BE
THE SHORTEST THERAPY
SESSION IN HISTORY.

Carl:
I'M CONFUSED AGAIN.

Jimmy:
OH, GOD.

Carl:
JIMMY, CAN I TELL
YOU SOMETHING,

AND PROMISE YOU
WON'T YELL AT ME?

Jimmy:
I'LL TRY.

Carl:
SOMETIMES, AND THIS
MAY SOUND CRAZY,

SOMETIMES, I'M NOT
EVEN SURE WHICH ONE
OF US IS TALKING.

Jimmy:
THAT IS CRAZY.

I'M TALKING.

Carl:
YEAH, BUT WHICH
ONE OF US ARE YOU?

Jimmy:
I'M STANDING
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

Carl:
ON THE RIGHT
OR ON THE LEFT?

Jimmy:
HOLY SHIT!

ON THE RIGHT!

Carl:
MY RIGHT, OR YOUR RIGHT?

Jimmy:
I THINK YOU
NEED MEDICATION.

Narrator:
JIMMY, SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

BUT I UNDERSTAND
WHAT CARL IS SAYING.

ALLOW ME TO ILLUSTRATE.

YOU ARE ON THE
RIGHT, JIMMY. POOM!

BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY
ON THE AUDIENCE'S RIGHT.

BAM. AND YOU'RE
ACTUALLY ON CARL'S LEFT.

POW!
GET THAT
SHIT OFF ME!

Jimmy:
LISTEN, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF AN ADVENTURE HERE.

I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR YOUR
LITTLE DISCLAIMERS,

'CAUSE YOU STUCK
ME IN THE MIDDLE

OF A STOCK FOOTAGE
CLUSTERFUCK!

Narrator:
THAT'S NO WAY TO
TALK TO ME, BUDDY.

I'M JUST
SPEAKING
THE TRUTH.

Narrator:
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN'T HANDLE
THE TRUTH, RUTH!

Jimmy:
YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T THINK
I MEANT ANY DISRESPECT.

Narrator:
JUST DON'T LET IT
HAPPEN AGAIN.

UH, YES, SIR.

AND, UH... FEEL FREE
TO CALL ME RUTH

ANY TIME YOU WANT.

Carl:
YOU SHOULDN'T
BE GIVING HIM
SHIT, JIMMY.

THIS MOVIE WAS REALLY
HARD TO PUT TOGETHER.

Jimmy:
GREAT! NOW YOU'RE
KISSING SHOW-BIZ ASS.

Carl:
I'M SERIOUS.

A WRITER WORKED HARD
ON THIS SCRIPT.

AHHH. WRITING
IS REWRITING.

SHIT!
[ Thump of laptop ]

Carl:
THEN HE HAD TO
MAKE CALLS TO GET
ALL THE TALENT.

LISTEN, IF YOU DO
THIS PICTURE, I'LL
GIVE YOU SOME BACK-END.

IT'S PINK AND FLESHY.
YOU LIKE THAT? NEH-EH.

Carl:
PUT UP THE MONEY TO PAY
FOR THE WHOLE THING...

ALL MINE.

Carl:
DO ALL THE ACCOUNTING
SO IT STAYS ON BUDGET...

CARRY THE ONE,
CARRY THE ONE...

Carl:
AND SAVE ALL THE PAPERWORK
SO EVERYONE GOT PAID.

FUCK 'EM.

Jimmy:
HOW'D YOU LEARN SO MUCH
ABOUT THE MOVIE BUSINESS?

[ Whistling ??? ]
Carl:
WAIT.

ISN'T THAT
THE GROUP?

Group:
[ Whistling ]

Jimmy:
YEAH, IT IS!

UH, SORRY. WE'LL
JUST CONTINUE ON OUR
LITTLE JOURNEY THEN.

Narrator:
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, JIMBO.

[ ??? ]

HEY, GUYS. IT'S US.
WAIT UP!

Narrator:
THE HOPE IS THAT
AFTER THIS DETOUR,

THEY'D BE ABLE TO
FIND THEIR WAY BACK
TO THE OTHERS.

BUT IT'S TOO
LATE FOR SOME.

THE TREACHEROUS
JOURNEY HAS ALREADY
AFFECTED THEIR MINDS.

Male:
I DON'T NEED THE REST
OF THOSE FUCKERS.

I HAVE FOUND GOOD
ANTARCTIC SKUNK WEED.

AND THAT SKUNK WEED
WILL HELP ME

FIND THE TREASURE
OF SIERRA MADRE.

IT IS I, AND I ALONE,
JUAN SANCHEZ,

WHO WILL MAKE
THIS DISCOVERY.

AND THEN,
I WILL BE FAMOUS!

SURE, THEY'LL BE AT HOME,

HAVING SEX WITH
ALL THE WOMEN,

BUT I DON'T NEED
NO STINKIN' WOMEN.

Narrator:
OTHERS ARE SIMPLY VICTIMS

OF THE EVER-
CHANGING ECOSYSTEM.

Male:
SHIT! WHERE DID
ALL THE SNOW GO?

IT'S FUCKING
GLOBAL WARMING!

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

GUYS, GET OVER HERE.

Male 1:
HOLY SHIT!
THERE'S NO SNOW.

Male 2:
THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.

FUCKING
GLOBAL WARMING.

IT'S BULLSHIT!
Male 3:
WHAT'S GLOBAL WARMING?

IT'S WHAT THOSE
FUCKERS IN
THE SNOWSUITS

DO TO THE PLANET
TO FUCK IT UP
FOR ALL OF US.

YEAH, BUT IF
IT'S WARMER, ISN'T
THAT BETTER FOR US?

YEAH, IT'S BETTER
IF IT SUDDENLY
GETS WARMER

AND ALL
THE ICE MELTS

AND WE GOT NO
PLACE TO STAND

'CAUSE THE FUCKING
GROUND BENEATH US

TURNED TO
FUCKING WATER.

DON'T YELL. YOU COULD
START AN AVALANCHE.

WITH WHAT?
THERE'S NO
FUCKING SNOW!

[ Echoing ]
SNOW... SNOW...

Sidney:
WHAT WAS THAT?

Jimmy:
YOU FART AGAIN?

Carl:
NO. MAYBE
IT WAS YOU.

I DON'T FART, THAT'S
NOT HOW I ROLL.

I EITHER HOLD IT IN
OR I JUST TAKE A
CRAP RIGHT THERE.

YOU SHOULD WRITE
ROMANCE NOVELS.

YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU'RE NOT PROUD
TO BE A PENGUIN.

"PROUD TO BE
A PENGUIN."

WHY ARE WE EVEN
CALLED PENGUINS?

WHAT DOES IT
EVEN MEAN?

IT'S A GREAT
NAME FOR US.

IT'S NOT SO
ON-THE-NOSE.

WHAT WOULD YOU
RATHER BE? A RAM?

YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE
CALLED RAMS?

RAM!
RAM!

AT LEAST THEY'RE
MORE MOBILE THAN US.

WE CAN'T
DO ANYTHING.

I'D RATHER BE
A SEA LION
THAN A PENGUIN.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY
SEA LIONS DIE YOUNG

FROM TOO MUCH SMOKING
AND DRINKING?

SEA LIONS
DON'T SMOKE.

THEN HOW DO YOU
EXPLAIN THAT GUY
WE SAW AT THE BEACH

WITH SMOKER'S COUGH?

[ Wheezing cough ]

OH, YEAH.

AND THEN HE DRANK
TOO MUCH AND GOT
SICK, REMEMBER?

I SHOULDN'T HAVE MIXED ALL
OF THOSE SHOTS OF BOOZE.
[ Retching ]

TRUST ME. WE'RE
NOT MISSING OUT
ON ANYTHING.

WE AGE BETTER
THAN ALMOST ANY
ANIMAL ON THE PLANET.

YOU EVER SEE A TURTLE
WHEN HE GETS SO OLD

HE HAS TO
USE A WALKER?

IT'S NOT PRETTY,
MY FRIEND.

[ Groaning ]

YOU'RE RIGHT, JIMMY.

I HAVEN'T BEEN
APPRECIATIVE ENOUGH.

NOW YOU'RE
GETTING IT.

Narrator:
AND SO THE
JOURNEY CONTINUES.

Jimmy:
? I'M NOT SURE
BUT THIS I KNOW ?

All:
? HE'S NOT SURE
BUT THIS HE KNOWS ?

? PENGUIN PUSSY'S
MIGHTY COLD ?

? PENGUIN PUSSY'S
MIGHTY COLD ?

Carl:
? A CLASSY PENGUIN
JIMMY'S NOT ?

? A CLASSY PENGUIN
JIMMY'S NOT ?

Jimmy:
? CARL'S RIGHT ?

? 'CAUSE PENGUIN PUSSY'S
MIGHTY HOT ?

? 'CAUSE PENGUIN PUSSY'S
MIGHTY HOT ?

Jimmy:
? SHOUT OUT ?

? FUCK YOU ?

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
THE SUN IS SETTING
EARLIER NOW.

THE WEATHER IS
GETTING COLDER.

AND I CAN'T WAIT TO
FINISH RECORDING THIS SHIT

AND GO PLAY GOLF.

THE MALES STOP MIDWAY
THROUGH THEIR JOURNEY

TO REST AND RECUPERATE.

Old Male:
WHERE'S THAT
CABANA BOY?

I NEED NEW TOWELS!

Old male:
STAY THE HELL
AWAY FROM ME.
I'VE GOT AN ITCH.

Narrator:
SOMETIMES THE ELEMENTS
GET THE BEST OF THEM.

THE OLDER PENGUINS
KNOW THAT IT'S JUST
A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THEY CALL OUT...

Old Male:
I'M FREEZING MY NUTS OFF!

Narrator:
DAMN. THE COLD IS MAKING
EVERYBODY CRANKIER.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
I'M GOING THROUGH.

YOU'RE IN A WARM
RECORDING STUDIO IN L.A.

GETTING PAID
TONNES OF MONEY.

Narrator:
NOT ENOUGH.

I'M SURE IT'S A
RESPECTABLE AMOUNT.

Narrator:
NOT ENOUGH.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT

'CAUSE I'M FREEZING
MY NUTS OFF!

Narrator:
STOP COMPLAINING.

IT'S WHERE YOU
CHOSE TO LIVE.

CHOSE? ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

WHY WOULD I CHOOSE TO
LIVE IN 80-BELOW WEATHER?

Narrator:
MAY I CONTINUE?

HOW CAN I STOP YOU?

YOU'RE IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA

AND I'M IN ANTARCTICA,

FREEZING MY NUTS OFF!

Narrator:
MAY I CONTINUE?

OOOWWW!

Narrator:
WHAT'S WRONG?

I TOLD YOU,
YOU SON OF A BITCH,

AND YOU JUST
KEPT TALKING,

AND I...
FROZE MY NUTS OFF!

Narrator:
THOSE AREN'T YOUR NUTS.

YES THEY ARE.

Narrator:
YOU DON'T HAVE NUTS,

JUST SOME KIND OF FLIPPER
THING YOU USE AS A PENIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FUCK YOU!

MORGAN FREEMAN HAS
MORE TALENT THAN YOU

IN JUST A FRECKLE
ON HIS ASS.

Narrator:
THANK YOU!

ENJOY THE POLAR WINTER.
IT'S JUST STARTING.

SHOULDN'T BE
SO ROUGH FOR YOU.

YOU'RE VERY OLD,
AND YOU'VE ALREADY
FROZEN YOUR NUTS OFF,

OR WHATEVER
THOSE THINGS WERE,

SINCE PENGUINS
DON'T HAVE NUTS.

FU-U-UCK YOU-U-U!

Narrator [ Yelling ]:
NO, FUCK YOU, YOU OLD
NUTLESS MOTHERFUCK...

[ Clearing throat ]

MY BAD.

IT IS SHEER INSTINCT

THAT LEADS THEM TO WHERE
THEY ARE MEANT TO GO.

THE ROUTE IS
NEVER THE SAME.

Jimmy:
SEE, CARL? IT IS
SHEER INSTINCT

WHERE WE ARE
MEANT TO GO.

Carl:
IT'S TRUE. THE ROUTE
IS NEVER THE SAME.

Old Male:
I'M FREEZING
MY NUTS OFF!

Carl:
WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT WHOEVER IT IS,

YOU CAN BE SURE
OF ONE THING:

THEY'RE FREEZING
THEIR NUTS OFF.

Males:
[ Speaking in French ]

[ Farting ]

Old Male:
I CAN'T SEE SHIT!

Narrator:
THE DAYS BECOME HARSHER,

THE AIR GROWS COLDER.

AND WHAT HAS BECOME
OF THOSE LOST PENGUIN
MOTHERFUCKERS

WHO STRAYED FROM
THEIR BRETHREN?

[ Guitar ??? ]
? I AM JUAN SANCHEZ ?

? AND I CLIMB TO THE TOP ?

? 'CAUSE I'VE GONE
FUCKING NUTS ?

? AND MY JOURNEY
WILL NOT STOP ?

? I'M A FREAK OF A BIRD ?

? I DON'T KNOW
THE NAME OF MY BREED ?

? AND I DON'T EVEN CARE ?

? 'CAUSE I SMOKED
SO MUCH SKUNK WEED ?

? AND WHEN I GET
TO THE TOP ?

? I WILL JUMP
OFF THE EDGE ?

? AND MY JOURNEY
WILL STOP ?

? AND I'LL NEVER
HAVE SEX ?

? AND I NEVER WILL SHAVE ?

? AND I'LL NEVER
GET TO BE ?

? SOME SHORT
BITCH'S WHORE ?

? THAT IS ME ?

? JUAN SANCHEZ IS MY NAME ?

Male:
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO YELL.

A WHOLE SIDE OF THE
MOUNTAIN CAME DOWN.

Male:
YEAH, LIKE,
IT'S MY FAULT THE
EARTH IS MELTING.

JUST AN INCONVENIENT
TRUTH, ISN'T IT?

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO
TELL OUR GOVERNMENT

TO SHOVE SOME FREEZER
COILS INTO THE FUCKING
ENDS OF THE EARTH

BEFORE THE WHOLE
FUCKING PLANET TURNS
INTO FUCKING JELLO!

Narrator:
AND SO, THE HARSHNESS
OF NATURE TAKES A TOLL.

THE DAYS TURN
INTO NIGHTS.

AND THE NIGHTS
TURN INTO DAYS.

AND THE DAYS
TURN INTO NIGHTS.

AND THEN THE NIGHTS
TURN INTO DAYS.

AND THEN THE DAYS
TURN INTO NIGHTS.

AND THEN THE NIGHTS
TURN INTO DAYS.

AND THEN...

SAY IT WITH ME NOW!

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
FINALLY, A GOOD
NIGHT'S SLEEP, RIGHT?

NOW WE CAN MOVE ON.

Carl:
I'VE BEEN UP
ALL NIGHT

HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

Jimmy:
ABOUT WHAT?

Carl:
[ Sigh ]
WELL...

I'M NOT HERE.

I MEAN, I'M NOT
IN ANTARCTICA.

I'M A PRISONER.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE, BUT...

I'M IN SOME
KIND OF ENCLOSURE.

AND I'M TRAPPED AND
PEOPLE ARE RIDICULING ME.

Girl:
LOOK AT THE SHORT,
STUPID-LOOKING
PENGUIN, DADDY.

Man:
HE'S A FUNNY-
LOOKING BASTARD,

AIN'T HE, SWEETHEART?

Carl:
IT WAS HELL ON EARTH.

Jimmy:
WOW. LUCKY FOR US THAT KIND
OF PLACE DOESN'T EXIST.

YOU'RE JUST SLEEP-DEPRIVED.

COME ON, CARL.
LET'S GET TO THE SEX.

JIMMY, I THINK YOU
HAVE A SEXUAL OBSESSION.

NO I DON'T. YOU KNOW WHO
HAS A SEXUAL OBSESSION?

Jimmy:
A MONKEY. A MONKEY'LL
BANG ANYTHING.

AT FIRST, IT LOOKS
LIKE THEY'RE JUST
PLAYING, RIGHT?

LIKE THIS GUY WHO JUST
WANTED TO GET SOME MILK
OUT OF A COCONUT.

HE WANTED TO CRACK
A HOLE IN IT

BUT NOT JUST TO
GET THE MILK OUT.

Carl:
THAT'S NUTS.

Jimmy:
YEAH. COCO-NUTS.

Jimmy:
NEVER SAW THAT ON
"SURVIVOR ISLAND",
DID YOU, BRO?

KEEP MOVING, HOMIE.

WE'RE GOING TO
GET YOU A WOMAN.

Sidney:
? AND WHEN WE'RE
DONE WITH YOU ?

? WE'RE GONNA GET ME
ONE OF THOSE ?

? TOO ?

? I'M SIDNEY ?

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
BACK AT THE
MATING GROUNDS,

THE FEMALES CAN
SENSE THEIR MEN

ARE NEARING THE END
OF THEIR JOURNEY.

THEY WAIT WITH
SELFLESS ANTICIPATION.
[ Club ??? ]

Helen:
IF A GUY EVEN LOOKS
AT ME THE WRONG WAY,

I'M GOING TO PECK
HIS EYES OUT.

Vicky:
WELL, THEY'LL
BE LINING UP
FOR YOU, HELEN.

AND AS SOON AS
THEY SEE YOU,

WHOO, THEY'LL THANK
THE LORD YOU PECKED
THEIR EYES OUT.

Helen:
WE'LL SEE WHO FINDS
A MAN, AND WHO DOESN'T,

BITCH.

Melissa:
HAS SHE EVER
HELD ON TO A MAN?

Vicky:
ONLY BY THE THROAT.

WELL, SHE HAD
A HUSBAND ONCE.

WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE PECKED
HIS EYES OUT.

THAT BITCH
WASN'T KIDDING.

Female 1:
THIS PARTY IS GOING
TO BE SO HOT.

Female 2:
I HEARD THE AFTER-
PARTY IS HOTTER.

[ Giggling ]
THERE'S AN AFTER-
PARTY AFTER THAT,

THAT I HEAR IS WAY
HOTTER THAN THE PARTY
OR THE AFTER-PARTY.

YEAH, BUT THEN
I HEARD THERE'S A
V.I.P AFTER-PARTY

FOR THE AFTER-
PARTY'S V.I.P.s

AFTER THE OTHER
AFTER-PARTIES.

[ Mixed giggling ]

Melissa:
WHO ARE THEY?

Vicky:
OH, THAT'S THE
HILTON PENGUINS.

THEY'RE SWEET GIRLS,
BUT YOU KNOW, THEY
ALL ABOUT THE PARTY.

SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
MORE REAL, MELISSA.

I THINK I AM.

Helen:
WHO'S BEEN USING MY
SANITARY NAPKINS?

[ ??? ]

Sidney:
JIMMY, CAN WE PLAY
IT ONE MORE TIME?

Jimmy:
ALL RIGHT. ROCK,
PAPER, SCISSORS.

Carl:
WHY DO YOU GUYS
KEEP PLAYING THIS?

WE HAVE NO HANDS!

WITH US, IT'S PAPER,
PAPER, PAPER.

Jimmy:
ALL RIGHT, IT'S
RIDDLE TIME.

Sidney:
OH, I LOVE
RIDDLES!

AW, THESE ARE
ROAD GAMES, CARL.
PLAY ALONG.

WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE,
AND RED ON THE INSIDE?

Carl:
A NEWSPAPER?

Jimmy:
NO, KEEP GUESSING.

Carl:
COME ON, MAN!

Sidney:
A ZEBRA?

Jimmy:
N-NO.

Sidney:
A SOCCER BALL?

Jimmy:
NO.

Sidney:
NUNS.

Jimmy:
NO.

Sidney:
A ZEBRA?

Jimmy:
YOU SAID THAT.

Sidney:
THE BLACK EYED PEAS?

Jimmy:
NO.

Sidney:
A DELICIOUS
HOT-FUDGE SUNDAE

WITH A CHERRY ON THE TOP?

Jimmy:
NOPE.

Carl:
MARCUS?

Jimmy:
NO, CARL.

Carl:
NO. I MEAN,
IS THAT...

MARCUS?

Jimmy:
WHAT?

THAT'S MARCUS?

I THINK SO.

Jimmy:
NO, I DON'T
THINK IT'S HIM.

Carl:
I THINK IT IS HIM.

THIS IS ALL MY
FAULT, JIMMY.

IF I HADN'T EATEN
THOSE ANCHOVIES,

I WOULDN'T HAVE
FARTED IN HIS FACE

AND HE WOULDN'T HAVE
GONE AHEAD WITHOUT US.

I'M TELLING YOU...
OW!

IT'S NOT MARCUS.
OW! OW!

OW! STOP IT,
JIMMY!
NOW CHILL
THE FUCK OUT!

Marcus:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE
YOU TWO MOTHERFUCKERS
FREAKIN' ABOUT?

Jimmy & Carl:
MARCUS!

Marcus:
YES, THAT
WOULD BE ME.

WHO THE FUCK
IS THAT?

Carl:
UH, I DON'T KNOW.

UH, I THOUGHT...

Jimmy:
UH, CARL'S BEEN
GOING THROUGH A
SENSITIVE TIME.

I WAS JUST WORRIED
THAT YOU HAD...

Marcus:
HAD WHAT? FALLEN
ON MY FACE?

DROPPED DEAD OF
A HEART ATTACK?

TRIPPED OVER MY DICK?

Carl:
UH, NO. I'M JUST GLAD
YOU'RE OKAY, MARCUS.

Marcus:
OH, GEE, THAT'S
NICE, CARL.

NOW GET YOUR HEAD
OUT OF MY ASS,

YOU "BROKEBACK
MOUNTAIN" BITCH.

SORRY.

Marcus:
I'M JUST FUCKIN'
WITH YOU AGAIN.

Jimmy:
THAT WAS FUNNY
WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT TRIPPING
OVER YOUR OWN DICK.

Marcus:
OH, THAT WASN'T A JOKE.

I AM TRULY BLESSED.

I'M NOT ONE TO BRAG,

BUT MY DICK'S NOT
AS SHY AS I AM.

I DON'T SHOW THIS
TO EVERYBODY,

BUT SINCE YOU'RE ALL SO
GLAD TO SEE ME AND ALL,

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS:

[ Unzipping of pants ]
[ Thud ]

I AM THE FIRST
PENGUIN IN HISTORY

WHO CAN TOUCH HIS TOES...

WITH HIS DICK.

Carl:
THAT'S, UH... THAT'S
VERY IMPRESSIVE.

I'M SURE WOMEN
FIND IT ADORABLE.

Marcus:
YOUR WOMAN LAST YEAR
DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND IT.

AW, COME ON! I'M JUST
FUCKIN' WITH YOU AGAIN.

AND IF I HAD TAKEN
A SHOT AT YOUR LADIES
FROM LAST YEAR,

THEY DEFINITELY WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO WALK THIS YEAR,

ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING
RAVAGED BY MY...

GIGANTIC PENGUIN COCK!

Carl:
I BELIEVE THAT'S
AN OXYMORON.

Marcus:
WHATEVER IT IS,

IT'S BROUGHT HAPPINESS
TO THE FACES OF MILLIONS.

AND IT'S KEPT THE
TOPS OF MY TOES WARM

THROUGH MANY A
LONELY WINTER.

WELL, GOOD TO
SEE YOU, BOYS.

YOU TOO.
YOU TOO.

SEE YOU ON THE
INSIDE, GENTLEMEN.

AND I DO MEAN
"ON THE INSIDE".

OOOW! CAN YOU FEEL ME?
[ Rap ??? ]

'CAUSE I FEEL YOU.

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
UH-OH.

Carl:
WHAT NOW?

YOU BOYS ARE GOING
THE WRONG WAY.

Carl:
NO, I... I
BELIEVE THE, UH...

BREEDING GROUNDS
ARE STRAIGHT AHEAD.

THE ROAD'S CLOSED.

DOESN'T LOOK CLOSED.

HE SAYS THE ROAD
DON'T LOOK CLOSED,
MUMFORD.

SO HE DOES.

LOOK OVER THERE,
CITY SLICKER.

THAT WASN'T THERE
A SECOND AGO.

I SUGGEST YOU
TAKE THE DETOUR,

UNLESS YOU WANT US
TO EAT YOU ALL.

Carl:
YOU CAN'T JUST EAT US ALL.

Jimmy:
OH YES THEY CAN, CARL.

THEY CAN EAT US ALL.

IT'S DEFINITELY DO-ABLE.

Carl:
YOU'RE NOT GOOD GUYS.

OOOH, THAT STINGS.

IF I WASN'T AN
EVIL PREDATOR,
I'D BE HURT.

NOW GET OFF OUR
LAND, GREENHORNS.

Carl:
THIS ISN'T FAIR.

Jimmy:
LIFE ISN'T
FAIR SOMETIMES.

I HOPE THIS DOESN'T
TAKE US TOO FAR
OFF THE PATH.

[ Surfing ??? ]

All:
[ Grunting ]

WHOOOAH!

AHH-HUH!

OH ME!

All:
HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT!

AHHH!

GAAA!

WA-AH!

SEALS!

FUCK!

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
THE MEN HAVE
TRAVELLED 70 MILES

TO REACH THIS MOMENT:

THE ENTRANCE TO
THE MATING GROUNDS.

Carl:
YOU KNOW, I THINK
IT'D HAVE BEEN EASIER

GETTING EATEN BY
THAT GANG OF SEALS.

Jimmy:
IT'S OVER, WE MADE
IT. STOP BITCHING.

COME ON, BOYS!
LET'S MAKE OUR
GRAND ENTRANCE.

PSSST! HEY!

WHAT?

ANY OF YOU GUYS WANT
TO BUY SOME TICKETS?

I'VE GOT FRONT-ROW CENTRE.

Carl:
TICKETS FOR WHAT?

THERE'S NO COVER
TO THIS THING.

HOW ABOUT A WATCH?
YOU WANT TO BUY A WATCH?

Carl:
WE DON'T
HAVE WRISTS.

TEQUILA SHOTS,
SMOKE, FLAKE,

"PENGUINS GONE WILD" DVDs?

THEY'RE REAL COLLEGE GIRLS
DOING THINGS

THEIR DADS WOULD NOT
BE HAPPY ABOUT. HA-HA.

Carl:
GO AWAY.

OKAY.

Jimmy:
YOU KNOW, CARL,

I THINK YOU'RE
STARTING TO GET
YOUR POWER BACK.

EXCUSE ME. I CAN'T
LET YOU PASS.

Carl:
WHO ARE YOU?

I AM A WALRUS.
[ Hacking cough ]

Carl:
SIR, WE JUST WALKED
70 MILES TO GET HERE.

WE CAN'T TURN BACK NOW.

DO YOU KNOW THE PASSWORD?

NO ONE SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT A PASSWORD.

DO YOU KNOW
"THE DA VINCI CODE"?

Jimmy:
I READ THE FIRST 30 AND
COULDN'T GET INTO IT.

THAT'S THE PASSWORD!

GO RIGHT ON THROUGH.

Carl:
JIMMY, HOW'D YOU READ A COPY
OF "THE DA VINCI CODE"?

Jimmy:
I DIDN'T.
BOOKS ON TAPE.

[ Mixed chatter ]

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
ALL OF THESE PENGUINS
HAVE CONVERGED

UPON THE SAME SPOT
WHERE THEY WERE BORN.

THE LARGE ICE WALLS
PROTECT THEM

FROM THE COLD,
HIGH WINDS,

AND THE THICK ICE
BENEATH THEIR FEET

KEEP THEIR NEWBORNS
FROM BEING SUCKED

INTO THE ICY WATERS BELOW.

EVERYTHING HAS
BUILT UP TO THIS.

Jimmy:
HELLO, LADIES!

Melissa:
OH GOD, HERE
THEY COME.

Vicky:
HOW DO I LOOK?
YOU LOOK HOT.

I DO?

OH, THANKS, BABY.

OH, NOW... HE'S CUTE.

Male:
OW!

Melissa:
NAH, TOO SHORT.

Vicky:
HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?

Melissa:
NO, TOO FAT.

Vicky:
OOOH, WELL, LOOK AT
THE BUTT ON THAT ONE!

COME HERE, BABY.

WAIT... EW, DON'T.

TOO LATE.

Jimmy:
HELLO, GIRLS.

I'M JIMMY, AND THIS
IS MY BUDDY, CARL.

Carl:
HI.

HI, I'M VICKY.

HI. MELISSA.

? I'D GIVE UP FOREVER
TO TOUCH YOU ?

? 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT
YOU FEEL ME SOMEHOW ?

Jimmy:
HEY, CARL, UH...

WHY DON'T YOU
TELL THE LADIES

ABOUT OUR RUN-IN WITH THAT
GANG OF LEOPARD SEALS?

CARL?

? YOU'RE THE CLOSEST
TO HEAVEN ?

? THAT I'LL EVER BE ?

? AND I DON'T WANT
TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW ?

Melissa:
YOU OKAY?

Carl:
SORRY.

I WAS JUST
ADMIRING YOUR...

MY WHAT?

UH... YOUR...

YOUR... YOUR...

Vicky:
HER WHAT?

YOU'RE, UH...

CLOSEST TO HEAVEN
THAT I'LL EVER BE

AND I DON'T WANT TO
GO HOME RIGHT NOW?

Melissa:
THAT'S FROM A
SONG, ISN'T IT?

Jimmy:
IT IS?

Vicky:
UH, COME ON,
MELISSA.

WE TOLD HELEN
WE'D MEET AT
THE BAR, REMEMBER?

WE DID?
YES.

WELL, IT WAS NICE
TALKING TO YOU GUYS.

MAYBE WE'LL, UH...
SEE YOU LATER.

Carl:
OKAY.

Melissa:
BYE.

Carl:
BYE.

Vicky:
[ Chuckling ]

YOU THINK THAT
GUY LIKES YOU?

GOD, I THOUGHT
HE WAS HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

Jimmy:
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE
COCK-BLOCK THEMSELVES

QUICKER THAN WHAT
I JUST WITNESSED.

SHE'S THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
I'VE EVER SEEN.

AND SHE'S GONE...

TO BE WITH
ANYONE BUT YOU,

BECAUSE YOU
JUST ACTED LIKE
A GROUPIE ON ACID.

BUT I THINK I CAN
STILL SALVAGE THIS.

YOU DO?

CARL, I'M YOUR
BEST FRIEND.

YOU WERE DEPRESSED
FOR 70 MILES,

AND YET HERE YOU ARE,

WITH A CRUSH ON THE
FIRST GIRL YOU MEET?

IT'S A MIRACLE.

I DON'T THINK
IT'S JUST A CRUSH.

I THINK I'VE ALREADY
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER.

YOU TOLD ME, WHEN I
FIND HER I'LL KNOW.

WELL, I KNOW, JIMMY.

IT'S LOVE.
LOVE?

Narrator:
YES, JIMMY. LOVE.

IN FACT, THE WHOLE
REASON THE PENGUINS
MAKE THIS JOURNEY

IS FOR LOVE.

YES, PERHAPS THE LOVE OF
THE MATING RITUAL ITSELF,

BUT THAT IS
SOMEHOW INTRINSIC
TO EVERY SPECIES.

Panda:
EXCEPT MAYBE VERY
RELIGIOUS ONES,

STRICTER CULTURES
WITH THE ABILITY TO
REASON LIKE SOME HUMANS,

ONLY SEE SEX AS A
MEANS TO PROCREATION.

Narrator:
WHO ARE YOU?

I AM SHEILA.

I'VE HAD FIVE HUSBANDS
AND FOUR CHILDREN.

ONE OF MY HUSBANDS
FIRED BLANKS.

Narrator:
SORRY.

IT'S OKAY. IT HAPPENS.

SO I THINK YOU RAISED
AN INTERESTING POINT

WITH YOUR THEORY
OF ANIMAL LOVE.

I WAS IN LOVE TWICE.

IN LOVE WITH
TWO OF MY FIVE...

Narrator:
THAT'S NICE TO HEAR.

BUT NONE OF THEM MADE
ME CUM LIKE MY HERBIE.

Narrator:
THANK YOU, SHEILA.

NO, WAIT! THIS
IS MY MOMENT!

TELL ALL THOSE
DIRTY LITTLE BASTARDS

SITTING IN THE THEATRE
ALL WATCHING THIS
ON A BOOTLEG DVD

WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT!

Narrator:
WE HAVE TO GET
BACK TO OUR STORY.

I'LL GIVE YA
A FUCKING STORY!

I'VE GOT MORE LINES
AROUND MY UTERUS

THAN YOU HAVE
ON YOUR RESUME.

Narrator:
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO
SAY GOODBYE, SHEILA.

THE MATING RITUAL
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

WAIT!

Narrator:
I AM SO SORRY YOU
HAD TO SEE THAT.

SORRY YOU HAVE
TO SEE THIS TOO.

Male:
KEEP DOING IT,
BABY. DADDY
LIKES THAT.

MMM! NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY GIRL!

Male:
YOU KNOW, I'VE
NEVER BEEN WITH
TWO LADIES BEFORE.

YOU TWO LIKE
A LITTLE PIECE
OF THIS ACTION?

Female:
NO, THANKS.
HE IS KIND OF CUTE
THOUGH, ISN'T HE?

Male:
HEY, I'M
JUST FINE WITH
THE ONE OF YA.

Female:
EW! HE'S SO GROSS
AND SO OLD.

I THINK I
NEED A Z-PACK.

Male:
YEAH, THEY'RE
ALL BITCHES.

Male:
I LOVE THE
ICE SCULPTURE
BY THE BAR.

[ ??? ]

Male:
HEY, I'M BRAGGING
I PROMOTED THIS
WHOLE THING.

THIS PARTY'S
REALLY GOING OFF.

Male:
COME ON!

WHO WANTS TO FUCK
THE SENSITIVE GUY?

Marcus:
WELL, HELL-LO!

Carl:
HEY, MARCUS.
WHAT'S UP?

Marcus:
NOW THIS IS WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Jimmy:
IT'S LIKE HEDONISM AND
SPRING-FLING HAD A KID!

Carl:
IT REMINDS ME OF
THE SEX SCENES IN
"EYES WIDE SHUT".

YOU GUYS SEE
THAT MOVIE?

Marcus:
FUCK THIS SHIT.

I DIDN'T COME HERE
JUST TO WATCH.

EXCUSE ME,
GENTLEMEN.

[ ??? ]

WELL, HELL-LO!

Vicky:
WELL, HELL-LO!

I'M MARCUS.

I'M VICKY.

Marcus:
AND YOU ARE?

Melissa:
LEAVING.

Vicky:
STAYING.

Marcus:
OOH, HOLLA.

Vicky:
NOW, WHAT DO YOU
HAVE IN MIND, MARCUS?

I'M PROUD TO
SHOW YOU, VICKY.

OBJECTS SPEAK
LOUDER THAN WORDS.

[ Unzipping ]
[ Thud ]

THAT?
YEAH.

YEAH, THAT...
THAT'S GONNA HURT.

IT DIDN'T HURT MY
WOMAN LAST YEAR.

MAY SHE REST IN PEACE.

OH!

NAW, I'M JUST
FUCKIN' WITH YOU.

Vicky:
[ Chuckling ]

YOU'RE FUNNY.

Jimmy:
HOLY SHIT.

THAT MARCUS IS GOOD.

Carl:
YEAH. AND
HE'S GOT SUBTLE
FOREPLAY SKILLS.

Vicky:
YES, MAR!

OH! YES, INDEED!

YOU BETTER
WORK IT, BOY!

YOU'RE SO BOSSY.

OH, MARCUS!
OOH.

STAND ON ME!
MM-MM.

YES, MARCUS.

LOOK AT THAT
TECHNIQUE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE
TOLERATES THAT THING.

LET'S MAKE SOME EGGS
TOGETHER, GIRL.

THEY CERTAINLY
HIT IT OFF.

POOR GIRL'S GOING TO
BE WALKING TO THE LEFT
THE REST OF HER LIFE.

JIMMY, YOU SEE
WHERE MELISSA WENT?

Jimmy:
LET'S GO FIND
HER, BRO.

I GOT A PLAN.

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
WHEN CHEMISTRY HAPPENS,

THERE'S NO FIGHTING IT.

THE ONES WHO ARE
MEANT TO BE TOGETHER

SOMEHOW GET TO HOOK UP.

Male:
AH, SURE IS NICE
TO MEET A GIRL
IN PERSON.

I MEAN, I...
I DON'T...
I DON'T KNOW.

I USUALLY JUST
MEET PEOPLE ONLINE.

Female:
WHAT'S "ONLINE"?

Male:
IT'S, UH, WHERE A
BUNCH OF MEN AND WOMEN

WHO ARE AFRAID TO
EVER MEET FACE-TO-FACE

STAY UP ALL HOURS
OF THE NIGHT

CHATTING WITH PEOPLE
THEY DON'T KNOW

'CAUSE IT FEELS SAFER

THAN ACTUALLY HAVING
TO TALK TO THEM IN...

IN PERSON.
I'M LATE FOR MY FRIENDS.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

MMM. IS IT 'CAUSE MY
BREATH SMELLS LIKE ASS?

Male:
UH, HI? HI.
HI THERE.

UH, I KNOW YOU
PROBABLY THINK
I'M DISGUSTING

BUT, WELL, WE HAVE
TO MATE WITH SOMEONE

AND... AND I
THOUGHT MAYBE,

YOU'D WANT TO HOOK
UP FOR THIS SEASON
AND HAVE MY BABY.

Female:
OH YEAH, YOU'RE
PERFECT FOR ME.

Male:
I AM?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
AN INSECURE ASEXUAL GUY

WHOSE LOW SELF-ESTEEM
FAR OUTWEIGHS

THE COMPLETE LACK
OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION
I HAVE FOR HIM.

SWEET!

Male:
HEY, CAN I
JOIN ONE OF YOUR
TWOSOMES THERE?

NO.
NO.
AH.

DO YOU MIND
IF I JUST STAND
HERE AND...

URINATE ALL OVER
THE FOUR OF YOU?

Male:
OH, KEEP DOING
IT, BABY.

DO IT FOR DADDY.

[ Whistling of wind ]

Narrator:
THE FEMALES ARE
TRULY STARVING.

AS SOON AS THE
MATING RITUAL IS OVER

THEY GET TO MAKE
THE SAME LONG JOURNEY
AS THE MALES DID,

TO THE OCEAN WHERE THEY
WILL FINALLY GET TO FEED.

BUT FOR NOW, IT
IS TIME TO MATE.

Male:
HI. HEY, WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?

[ ??? ]

MELISSA.

MY NAME'S JAMIE.

AND I DON'T PLAY GAMES.

I LIKE TO BE HONEST
AND UP FRONT.

DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?

Melissa:
THAT IS SO GROSS.

OOH, YOU'RE HONEST
AND UP FRONT TOO.

OOH, I LIKE THAT.

Melissa:
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, WHERE
YOU GOING?

HI. MY NAME'S JAMIE

AND I DON'T
PLAY GAMES.

I LIKE TO BE HONEST
AND UP FRONT.

[ ??? ]

Carl:
I DON'T SEE
MELISSA ANYWHERE.

Jimmy:
WE'LL FIND HER.

10,000 PENGUINS
HERE AND THEY'RE ALL
A BUNCH OF SICKOS.

Male:
SAY MY NAME.

SAY MY NAME, BITCH.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE.
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

SAY MY NAME!

Female:
OKAY, MELVIN!

OH, YEAH!
SAY MY NAME!

MELVIN!
OH, YEAH!
SAY IT!

Female:
MELVI-IN!

Jimmy:
TAKES ALL KINDS.

WOW, LOOK AT
THOSE TWO CARTOON
CHARACTERS GO AT IT.

THEY DON'T
EVEN LOOK REAL.

Male:
ALL THAT TIME AT SEA

I'VE BEEN DREAMING
ABOUT THIS MOMENT.

Female:
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

YOUR SISTER
WAS IN THE MOOD.

I'M GONNA
GO SEE HER.

Carl:
WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO ROMANCE?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
DINNER AND A MOVIE?

Jimmy:
EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD
IS HAVING SEX BUT US.

THAT'S AN
EXAGGERATION.

Jimmy:
NO, IT ISN'T. LOOK.

? YOU AND ME, BABY ?

? AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT MAMMALS ?

? SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO
ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL ?

? YOU AND ME, BABY, AIN'T
NOTHIN' BUT MAMMALS ?

? SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO
ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL ?

GETTIN' HORNY NOW.

GET YOUR ASS OFF ME!

Sidney:
I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT WHO
THEIR EVENT PLANNER IS!

[ ??? ]

Carl:
WAIT, JIMMY.

THAT...
THAT'S MELISSA.

WHAT DO I DO?
LET ME HANDLE THIS.

I MAY NOT GET
LAID MYSELF

BUT I'M THE BEST
WINGMAN ALIVE.

[ ??? ]

HEY, UH,
MELISSA, RIGHT?

Melissa:
UH-HUH.

UH, JIMMY, IS IT?

Jimmy:
UH, YEAH.

YOUR FRIEND VICKY WENT OFF
WITH OUR FRIEND MARCUS.

Melissa:
YES, SHE DID.

Jimmy:
UH, LOOK, MY FRIEND
CARL OVER THERE...

HE MAY HAVE COME OFF LIKE
A COMPLETE IDIOT BEFORE,

BUT IT'S...
IT'S 'CAUSE, WELL,

HE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.

Melissa:
WELL, TELL HIM
THAT I UNDERSTAND.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT
HIS FEELINGS OR ANYTHING

BUT I'M NOT REALLY LOOKING
FOR A PARTNER RIGHT NOW.

Jimmy:
OH.

OKAY. I'LL RELAY
THE MESSAGE.

WILL YOU WAIT
RIGHT HERE?

Melissa:
UH... OKAY.

[ ??? ]

[ Panting ]

SHE SAYS SHE
UNDERSTANDS

AND DOESN'T WANT TO
HURT YOUR FEELINGS

BUT SHE'S NOT
REALLY LOOKING FOR
A PARTNER RIGHT NOW.

Carl:
OH, GOD.

WELL... OKAY.

WOULD YOU TELL HER

THAT I WASN'T LOOKING
FOR A PARTNER EITHER

BUT THEN, WHEN I SAW HER,

IT FELT LIKE A
LIGHTNING BOLT WAS
GOING THROUGH MY VEINS.

I'M NOT GOING
TO TELL HER THAT!

IT DOESN'T MATTER, JIMMY!

I PROBABLY
ALREADY LOST HER.

I MIGHT AS WELL TELL HER
WHAT I REALLY FEEL.

OKAY, OKAY I'LL
TELL HER THAT.

IT'S GONNA
SOUND FRUITY.

[ Panting ]

I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE
GET INSTANT MESSAGING
DOWN HERE.

MELISSA, CARL TOLD
ME TO TELL YOU

HE WASN'T LOOKING
FOR A PARTNER EITHER

BUT THEN, WHEN
HE SAW YOU,

IT FELT LIKE A
LIGHTNING BOLT WAS
GOING THROUGH HIS VEINS.

THAT'S... THAT'S
WHAT HE WANTED ME
TO TELL YOU.

NOW I WILL LEAVE.

Melissa:
WAIT.

HE SAID THAT?

Jimmy:
YEAH.

Melissa:
I... I MEAN THE PART
ABOUT THE LIGHTNING BOLT?

Jimmy:
YEAH, HE SHOULD
WRITE GREETING CARDS,
SHOULDN'T HE?

Melissa:
THANK YOU, JIMMY.

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
WHAT DID I SAY?

Melissa:
HI.

Carl:
HI.

DID YOU FEEL THAT?

Carl:
THE SECOND I SAW YOU.

Melissa:
YOU WANNA GO FOR
A WALK, CARL?

Carl:
I'M A PENGUIN. I CAN
ALWAYS GO FOR A WALK.

[ Giggling ]

COME ON, SILLY.

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
DAMN, I'M GOOD.

Narrator:
SOME OF THE LUCKY ONES
HAVE FOUND TRUE LOVE.

Carl:
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'VE CHOSEN ME.

Melissa:
YOU'VE CHOSEN
ME TOO, SILLY.

YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE
THE OTHER GIRLS.

HOW AM I DIFFERENT?

WELL, YOU... YOU'VE
GOT A LITTLE DOT OR
MARK OR SOMETHING

UNDER YOUR
LEFT EYE THERE.

I'VE NEVER
SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT BEFORE.

[ Giggling ]

YOU KNOW EXACTLY
HOW TO GET TO ME.

I DO?

[ Giggle ]

[ ??? ]

OH, MELISSA.
AHHH.

[ Moaning ]

MMM.

OHHH.

OH, CARL.

OH. OH, MY GOD,
THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

WHAT? WHAT, YOU MEAN
THESE CIRCULAR MOTIONS?

YES! DO THAT!

DON'T... DON'T STOP.
JUST DO THAT!

HOW ABOUT IF I DO THAT TOO?

OH, MY GOD,
THAT'S AMAZING!

I WANT TO HAVE
YOUR BABY!

OKAY.

OH-H-HO!

WAS THAT IT?

Carl:
UH, YEAH.

BUT I CAN'T WAIT
TO DO IT AGAIN,

NEXT YEAR.

Melissa:
I WANT IT TO
BE WITH YOU.

Carl:
I WANT THAT TOO.

I LOVE YOU, MELISSA.

OH. I LOVE YOU
TOO, CARL.

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
MOST OF THEM HAVE
NOW CHOSEN A MATE.

THEY WILL STAY WITH
THAT MATE ALMOST A YEAR,

AS THEIR ANCESTORS
DID BEFORE THEM.

BUT FOR NOW, THEY WILL
PLAY A WAITING GAME

IN HOPES THAT THEIR
COMMUNION CAN CREATE...

THE EGG.

BUT NOT ALL OF THEM
WILL FIND A PARTNER.

Jimmy:
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE
COME UP DRY THIS YEAR.

I'VE GOT TO SINK
MY BATTLESHIP

OR MY STORED-UP
LOVE JUICES

ARE GOING TO EXPLODE
OUT OF MY POOTER.

[ Chirping of crickets ]

EVERYBODY GOT BOX BUT ME.

I GOTTA BANG SOMETHING.

I DON'T CARE WHAT.

PUSSY, PUSSY EVERYWHERE
AND NOT A BIT FOR ME.

I KNOW IT'S OUT THERE.

[ Whispering ]
I CAN SMELL IT.

[ Thump of impact ]
OW! WHAT WAS THAT?

Male:
HEY! WATCH
IT, BUDDY!

THAT'S MY ASS!

Jimmy:
SORRY, I CAN'T SEE SHIT.

[ Thump of impact ]
OH, EXCUSE ME.

OW.

HMM...

WHAT'S THAT?

YEAH, THAT FEELS SOFT.

WHOA, DAMN!

OH, GOD!

OHHH, OH, MY GOD!

I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF!

WHOO! OH!

AHHHHH.

BETTER GET THE
FUCK OUT OF HERE.

[ Chirping of crickets ]

Melissa:
CARL, I THOUGHT
YOU WANTED TO WAIT
ANOTHER YEAR TO DO IT.

Carl:
WHAT?

HUH?

DO WHAT?

WHY DID YOU
WAKE ME, HONEY?

DON'T JOKE
ABOUT THIS, CARL.

WE JUST HAD
SEX AGAIN.

THIS TIME IT
WAS... OH,

IT WAS DIRTIER
SOMEHOW.

MELISSA,
I'M SERIOUS,

WE DID NOT
HAVE SEX.

I WAS SOUND
ASLEEP.

Both:
[ Screaming ]

[ Chirping of bird ]

Carl:
I FEEL SO
VIOLATED.

Melissa:
YOU FEEL
VIOLATED?

YES. I'M A PART
OF YOU NOW.

WELL, A PART OF
YOU WAS NOT IN
ME LAST NIGHT.

Jimmy:
HEY, GUYS.

WEIRD NIGHT
LAST NIGHT.

Carl:
TELL US
ABOUT IT.

WELL, I WAS WALKING
AROUND IN THE DARK,

ALMOST SLEEPWALKING...

Melissa:
WHEN CARL SAID
"TELL US ABOUT IT"

I THINK HE
MEANT WE HAD A
WEIRD NIGHT TOO.

Jimmy:
OH, IT COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN AS WEIRD AS MINE.

I MEAN I WAS JUST
WALKING AROUND

PISSED OFF EVERYBODY
HAD A WOMAN BUT ME.

OH, AND CONGRATS,
BY THE WAY

ON YOU TWO
BECOMING A COUPLE.

Carl:
THANKS.
Melissa:
THANKS.

Jimmy:
SO I'M WALKING AROUND

AND I REALISE
I'VE GOT LIKE A
FULL WOOD GOING ON

AND THAT WAS
EMBARRASSING

'CAUSE I KIND OF
BUMP INTO THIS GUY.

THEN I SOMEHOW
STUMBLE UPON WHAT
HAD TO BE A HOT GIRL.

'CAUSE SHE SMELLED GOOD
AND WAS SO WARM AND ALL.

BUT IT WAS LIKE
IN A MILLISECOND,

I WAS SUDDENLY,
ACCIDENTALLY JUST...

WH... IN HER.

WELL, FORGIVE ME
FOR SAYING THIS,
BUT IT WAS HOT!

I MEAN, WHAT'S
THE BIG DEAL?

WE ARE PENGUINS, RIGHT?

WILD CREATURES
FIGHTING FOR
OUR LIVES

IN THE HARSHEST
SPOT ON EARTH.

Melissa:
OH, MY GOD!

Jimmy:
M-MELISSA, WHAT?

Melissa:
OH, MY GOD!

Jimmy:
WHAT?

Melissa:
GOD!
Carl:
LAST NIGHT,

MELISSA THOUGHT
THAT WE HAD...

OH, MY GOD!
DONE IT AGAIN.

BUT... I WAS
SOUND ASLEEP!
OH, MY GOD!

BUT SOMEONE HAD...
OH, MY GOD!
DONE IT TO MELISSA.

Jimmy:
OH, YOU DON'T
THINK IT WAS HER?

THAT I... NO!

THAT WOULD BE...

NO!

I MEAN, NO! WAIT...

WAIT A SECOND!

LET... LET ME
JUST SEE SOMETHING.

[ Sniffing ]

NO!

I MEAN, NO! WAIT!

Carl:
THIS IS MY
WORST NIGHTMARE.

YOU WERE MY
BEST FRIEND.

Jimmy:
CARL, I AM YOUR
BEST FRIEND.

WE JUST, UH...

WE... WE HAD A LITTLE
MIX-UP IS ALL.

Carl:
A LITTLE MIX-UP?

Melissa:
CALM DOWN, CARL.

IT DOESN'T
HELP ANYTHING.

Carl:
THIS IS HORRIBLE.

NOW WHEN THE
EGG COMES OUT

WE WON'T KNOW IF
IT'S MY BABY OR HIS.

Melissa:
IT'S YOURS, CARL.

Carl:
BUT WE CAN'T BE
SURE OF THAT.

WHAT IF THE BABY
LOOKS JUST LIKE
JIMMY AND NOT ME?

WHAT IF IT'S HIS BABY?

Melissa:
NO! IT CAN'T
BE HIS BABY!

Carl:
YES, IT CAN!

I FELL IN LOVE
WITH YOU

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE JIMMY'S BABY.

Melissa:
I CAN'T HAVE
JIMMY'S BABY

'CAUSE WE DIDN'T DO IT
IN THE REGULAR WAY, OKAY!

[ Stopping of ??? ]

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
A NINE-WEEK GESTATION
PERIOD IS UPON THEM.

Melissa:
IT WASN'T
INTENTIONAL.

IT WAS LATE,
HE WAS DESPERATE.

Carl:
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM.

Melissa:
I STILL THINK
THAT YOU NEED
TO FORGIVE HIM.

Carl:
I CAN'T.

HE WAS IN YOUR BUTT.

Melissa:
YEAH. I REMEMBER.

Carl:
I'M UPSET ON SO
MANY LEVELS WITH
THIS, MELISSA.

Melissa:
WELL, I AM TOO, CARL.

Carl:
I THINK I'M GOING
TO GO FOR A WALK.

Melissa:
THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA, CARL.

YOU CAN ALWAYS
GO FOR A WALK.

[ ??? ]

Carl:
? WE WERE THE BEST
OF FRIENDS ?

? AND THEN HE CAME
UP FROM BEHIND ?

? AND TURNED
MY LIFE AROUND ?

? AND SHE DIDN'T
SEEM TO MIND ?

? I KNOW DEEP DOWN
SHE LOVES ME ?

? EVEN THOUGH
INSIDE HE SLID ?

IT HURTS...

? 'CAUSE HE LOVED HER
IN A WAY I NEVER DID ?

? OH, YES HE LOVED HER ?

? IN A WAY I NEVER DID ?

? WHY ?

? CAN'T I TRY ?

? TO LET IT DIE? ?

? HE'S JUST A GUY ?

? AND I ?

? CANNOT DENY ?

? THAT I'LL
ONLY HAVE HER ?

? FROM THE OTHER SIDE ?

? OH, GOD HE LOVED HER ?

? BUT HE'S NOT
HER LOVER ?

? THAT WOULD BE ME ?

? I MUST FORGET
HE EVER LOVED HER ?

? HE DIDN'T
REALLY LOVE HER ?

? HE JUST KIND
OF PLUGGED HER ?

? IN A WAY I NEVER DID ?

? DID ?

[ Applause ]

Narrator:
THE DIFFICULTIES
THEY HAVE GONE
THROUGH TOGETHER

MAKES THE MALE EVEN
MORE PUSSY-WHIPPED
THAN HE WAS BEFORE.

Carl:
MELISSA, I'VE GIVEN
IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

I KNOW WHAT JIMMY
DID WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I'M SORRY I WAS
SO SELF-ABSORBED

ESPECIALLY AT SUCH
A POIGNANT MOMENT
IN OUR LIVES.

Melissa: [ Panting ]
I FORGIVE YOU, CARL.

CAN YOU... CAN
YOU JUST HOLD ON
FOR ONE SECOND?

HOO, HOO, HEE.

HOO, HOO, HEE.

OH, OH, AH!

AH, OH!

OH, MY GOD THAT
FRICKIN' HURT.

SAY HELLO TO YOUR
NEW BABY, CARL.

Carl:
HELLO.

HE'S SO CUTE
AND ROUND.

Melissa:
UH, THAT'S
JUST THE EGG.

Carl:
I KNOW THAT.

Melissa:
THINK FAST, CARL.

Female voice: [ On speaker ]
AND BECKHAM SCORES!

[ Cheering ]

Narrator:
THE EGG MUST
BE KEPT WARM.

THE FATHER STUFFS
THAT EGG UP INSIDE
HIS NUTLESS SACK

FOR MORE THAN
TWO MONTHS.

IT IS DURING THIS TIME
THAT THE MOTHER

MUST MAKE HER JOURNEY
TO THE OCEAN TO FEED

BEFORE SHE DIES
OF STARVATION.

THE FEMALE PENGUINS
ARE INCREDIBLY STRONG.

THEY'VE NOT EATEN
IN MANY MONTHS,

THEY'VE JUST GIVEN BIRTH,

AND NOW THEY
ALSO HAVE TO WALK
70 MILES TO THE OCEAN

IN ORDER TO SURVIVE.

Vicky: [ Singing ]
? I'M NOT SURE
BUT THIS I KNOW ?

All:
? SHE'S NOT SURE
BUT THIS SHE KNOWS ?

? PENGUIN DICKS
GET MIGHTY OLD ?

? PENGUIN DICKS
GET MIGHTY OLD ?

? 70 MILES ON
THESE TINY LEGS ?

? 70 MILES ON
THESE TINY LEGS ?

? WHILE OUR BITCHES STAY
HOME SITTIN' ON OUR EGGS ?

? WHILE OUR BITCHES STAY
HOME SITTIN' ON OUR EGGS ?

? SHOUT OUT ?

? FUCK THEM ?

[ ??? ]

Carl:
IT'S NOT THE MOST
COMFORTABLE THING

SITTING ON
AN EGG, HUH?

Marcus:
IT'D BE A LOT
MORE COMFORTABLE

IF I WASN'T SITTIN'
ON MY DICK TOO.

Jimmy:
HI, MARCUS.

CARL.

Marcus:
HEY, JIMMY!
HOW'S IT HANGIN'?

Jimmy:
CARL, I FEEL TERRIBLE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO OR SAY ANYMORE.

Carl:
YOU'RE MY BEST
FRIEND, JIMMY.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID
WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Jimmy:
ALL I'VE WANTED WAS
YOUR FORGIVENESS, MAN.

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION

I'VE BEEN ALL ALONE.

Carl:
WELL, NOT ANY MORE.

YOU'VE GOT ME AND MELISSA

AND YOU'RE GOING
TO BE AN UNCLE.

Marcus:
THIS IS SO NICE!

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!

IT TAKES A BIG
MAN TO FORGIVE HIS
FRIEND AFTER HE...

BUSTS HIS WOMAN'S
BOOTY HOLE OPEN.

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
70 MILES AND
THREE MONTHS LATER

THE WOMEN HAVE
ARRIVED AT THEIR MUCH-
AWAITED DINING SPOT.

THE PROBLEM IS,

THE HOLE IN THE
ICE IS FROZEN OVER.

Vicky:
HEY, HELEN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAND ON THAT THIN
PATCH OF ICE THERE

AND MAKE A NICE
HOLE FOR ALL OF
US TO DIVE INTO.

Helen:
YOU KNOW WHAT? I WILL.

Helen:
NOW, IF YOU EXCUSE ME,

I'M GOING TO BE
THE FIRST TO DINE.

[ Gasp ]

Seal:
MMM!

Helen:
OH! OH, NO!

Seal:
MMM, COME HERE, BABY!

Helen:
OH... OH, MY GOD!

Seal:
COME NOW, DIRTY
ROTTEN PENGUIN.

HA, HA, HA, HA!

AH!

Penguins:
[ Screaming ]

Helen:
HE GOT ME
IN THE ASS!

Seal:
THIS PENGUIN'S
DELISH...

Female:
WELL, SHE SHOULDN'T
HAVE WENT OUT THERE.

Seal:
OH, OH, MMM.

IS THERE COFFEE?

Narrator:
IT'S A SAD MOMENT KNOWING

THAT THIS MOTHER'S
BABY WILL NOT BE FED

BECAUSE SHE WILL
NOT BE MAKING
THE JOURNEY HOME.

Seal:
MMM!
Narrator:
BUT THEN AGAIN,

SHE WAS SUCH A BITCH.

KID'S PROBABLY
BETTER OFF.

Vicky:
WE NEED A MOMENT
OF SILENCE PLEASE,

FOR THE LOSS OF
OUR SISTER, HELEN.

A'IGHT, LET'S EAT.

[ Mixed chatter ]

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
THE MALE HAS GONE OVER
125 DAYS WITHOUT FOOD.

BUT FOOD IS THE LAST
THING ON HIS MIND

THE MOMENT
HIS CHILD IS BORN.

[ ??? ]

AND THEN...

OUT OF THE MOUTH
OF BABES COMES:

Chick:
FU-UCK!

Narrator:
THROUGH AN INEXPLICABLE
INSTINCTUAL LINK,

THE MOTHERS KNOW THEY
HAVE GOT TO GET HOME NOW.

AND THAT BEAUTIFUL
DAY COMES WHEN THE
FAMILY IS UNITED

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

Vicky:
MARCUS!

Marcus:
BABY!

[ ??? ]

Vicky:
OH, MARCUS.

SHE'S SO CUTE.

OH, AND LOOK.

SHE HAS
YOUR PENIS.

Marcus:
WHAT?

Vicky:
OH, MARCUS.

I'M JUST
FUCKIN' WITH YOU.

Carl:
MELISSA!

Melissa:
CARL!

OH, MY GOD!

Chick:
FUCK!

LOOK, IT'S
A BOY, HONEY.
Chick:
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Melissa:
OH, CARL.

HE HAS YOUR
NEUROTIC GLARE.

AW, HI THERE LITTLE
NEUROTIC-LOOKING BABY.

AW.

[ Chuckling ]

[ ??? ]

Jimmy:
HI, GUYS.

Carl:
HI, JIMMY.

Melissa:
HEY, JIMMY.

IT'S UNCLE JIMMY NOW.

Melissa:
OH, CARL.

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

I'D DO A LITTLE
HAPPY DANCE

IF MY FEET WEREN'T COVERED
IN BLOODY BLISTERS.

[ Laughing ]

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
WITH FEEDING

THE BABIES GROW
INCREDIBLY FAST.

Chick:
I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT
FOURTH PIECE OF HERRING.

[ Sigh ]

Narrator:
THE BABIES ARE UP AND
ALMOST READY TO MOVE ON

EXCEPT FOR THE FEW

WHO MAY HAVE A
LEARNING DISABILITY.

Chick:
I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT
FOURTH PIECE OF HERRING.

[ Sigh ]

[ ??? ]

Narrator:
AND SO OUR STORY
COMES TO AN END.

THE BIG QUESTION IS

DO PENGUINS
STAY TOGETHER?

ARE THEY MONOGAMOUS?

Marcus:
THAT'S IT, VICKY.

IT'S TIME FOR
ME TO MOVE ON.

YOU'RE TOO STRONG
FOR ME, BABY.

Vicky:
GET YOUR ASS OVER
HERE, MARCUS.

NOW I DIDN'T GO
THROUGH ALL THAT

TO HAVE YOU GO
BACK OUT THERE

AND START
FUCKING EVERYTHING
THAT DOESN'T MOVE.

Narrator:
THE ANSWER IS,
IN REALITY,

THEY DO NOT
STAY TOGETHER.

BUT THIS IS
NOT REALITY.

THIS IS A FARCE.

THE FARCE OF
THE PENGUINS.

Juan Sanchez:
I MADE IT!

JUAN SANCHEZ IS AT
THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN!

I AM SO STINKY AND DIRTY,

I AM ONE DIRTY SANCHEZ!

I AM THE KING
OF THE WORLD!

I'M THE KING
OF THE WORLD!

A-AH!

I AM ONE
DIRTY SANCHEZ!

Male:
FUCKING GLOBAL
WARMING!

MY GOD, THEY WENT
AND DID IT!

DAMN YOU ALL!

DAMN YOU!
[ Echoing ]

Narrator:
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

WE CANNOT END
A LOVE STORY LIKE THAT.

[ ??? ]

Carl:
? I FINALLY FOUND THE ONE ?

Melissa:
? AND YOU'RE THE ONE,
IT'S UNDERSTEAD ?

Both:
? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ?

? IN A WAY I NEVER DID ?

Melissa:
? IT'S EXIT ONLY ?

Both:
? OH, YES, I LOVE YOU ?

? IN A WAY I NEVER DID ?

? DID ?

[ ??? ]

Man:
JAY DASH V-O-N.

[ ??? ]

Male:
YOU GUYS MADE
$ 100,000,000
ON THAT MOVIE

AND WE DIDN'T
SEE SHIT.

[ ??? ]

? YEAH, LET'S GO ?

Jimmy:
IT WAS A PRETTY DRY
SEASON FOR ME, SIDNEY.

I MEAN, I HAD A
WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY

BUT SHE WASN'T MINE.

SHE WAS MY BEST
FRIEND'S GIRL.

THAT'S SOMETHING
I'M PROUD OF.

MAYBE I'LL
MEET SOMEBODY.

ONE DAY.

Sidney:
? AND WHEN YOU FIND HIM ?

? YOU'LL KNOW ?
THERE, I SAID IT.

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIVE ME THAT ?

? LIL' MAMA, GET ON TOP ?

? IT'S WHERE I AM AT ?

? PLUS I GOT
THE FLOW ON LOCK ?

? KNOW YOU WANT TO ACT OUT
'CAUSE YA MAN HOME ?

? BUT YA BOY HERE AND
YOU DON'T WANNA BE ALONE ?

? AND I'M IN THE ZONE ?

? YOU A FIGURE EIGHT ?

? FORGET YOUR HOMEGIRL ?

? ALL SHE GONNA DO
IS HATE AND DEBATE ?

? WE IN THE PLACE,
GET NEXT TO ME ?

? YOU SEXY, YOU NEED
TO UNDRESS WITH ME ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIMME THAT ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME ON, GIMME THAT ?

? COME OVER HERE,
SHORTY PASS THE YAK ?

? VIP STATUS AND
THE FLOW INTACT ?

? IT'S A WRAP,
IT'S WHERE I'M AT ?

? JAY DASH TO THE V-O-N. ?

? I'M THE ONE WITH
THE FLOW LIKE NEO ?

? GET STUCK WITH US,
KNOW HOW WE ROLL ?

? DIVERSE, YOU CAN
SPEAK GERMAN OR CREOLE ?

? IT'S MY REIGN,
AND I CLAIM TO BE THE BEST ?

? SO TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT,
AND LIFT UP YOUR DRESS ?

? YES, GET ALL
MY STRESS RELIEVED ?

? YOU SEXY, YOU NEED
TO UNDRESS WITH ME ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIMME THAT ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIMME THAT ?

? G'S UP WHERE
THE KITTIES IN HERE ?

? WHAT UP, AND WE'LL BRING
A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN HERE ?

? AND WE UP, COMPETITION
WANNA SEE ME STOPPED ?

? BUT WE ON TOP,
JAY AND MUFF WILL NOT STOP ?

? RIGHT? AND ON THE MIC ?

? I'MA TELL YOU
HOW TO DO IT ?

? 'CAUSE I DON'T
REALLY DANCE ?

? BUT YOU KNOW
I SPIT FLUID ?

? WHAT, WHAT, AND
EVERYBODY GIVING ME DAP ?

? AND THE CLUB CONTACT,
I JUST COUNTER IT BACK ?

? IT'S A WRAP ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIMME THAT ?

[ ??? ]

Male:
HEY, ASSHOLE. MY
EYES ARE UP HERE.

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIMME THAT ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? WHERE THE KITTY AT? ?

? HEY SEXY,
COME UNDRESS ME ?

? I WANT YOU NEXT TO ME ?

? COME AND GIMME THAT ?

[ ??? ]

[ ??? ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Screaming ]
I'M SIDNEY!