Farador (2023) - full transcript
Two RPG players' lives are turned upside down by the appearance of their roommate and DM's sister. The young woman is going through a bad breakup, and everyone's adventures in the fantasy and real worlds take on a new dimension.
Rhogol! Stand guard.
Mordak! Our magic vessel.
At last, our final destination…
the Castle of Farador!
But this is just the start
of our journey, Sir Gardakan.
The kingdom is filled
with bloodthirsty monsters
and treacherous mazes.
Many knights have failed
to reach the castle.
Stop at once, vile creatures!
Rhogol, quick, the poison!
So, who liberates the princess?
I think we'll have to roll the dice.
No way! I blasted the kobold warrior
attacking you guys.
So? I got the final kill.
Yeah, but your guy
would be dead without me.
OK, roll the dice.
You're way too lucky!
So, Gardakan,
you liberate the princess.
As a thank you,
she gives you a little wink.
Wait. Can I take her into the bushes
and bang her?
We're in the Kingdom of Farador.
You can definitely bang her.
How many times?
Roll the dice, and we'll see.
I hope this game never ends.
18 YEARS LATER
So, Mordak, in a cruel twist of fate,
you fall into a pit filled with spikes.
Mordak!
Jesus! I told you to watch your step.
As for you,
I've had enough of your traps.
Will we ever get to the castle?
Guys, you knew from the start
it could take years.
The kingdom is filled
with bloodthirsty monsters
and treacherous mazes and…
Convoluted traps.
Yeah, yeah, we know.
It's just been harder
since Rhogol died.
I have ten hit points left.
And I'm all out of revival potion!
Stop being a baby and roll the dice
to see if you die.
Louis, you're…
alive!
Take my hand, old pal!
No, no, no!
You're doing it on purpose!
What? The ogre came from behind.
You didn't see him.
Hey, is that Paul?
What's he doing here?
He just came to get a couple things.
Paul! How's it going, man?
Good, you?
Good.
- Right here?
- Yeah.
Jesus! Couple of babies.
Yeah, they can be idiots.
- Do they know we can see them?
- Doesn't seem so.
- Hi!
- Hello!
- How's it going, Marie-Ève?
- Good.
Hold up! Is that a baby bump?
You didn't tell me, man!
That's awesome. Congratulations!
No, Charles.
It's a hernia, but thanks for asking.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck, man?
I don't know.
I mean, it's a big hernia.
Put down your medieval erotica
and learn to talk to 21st-century women.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
How's it coming? The Medallion of…
The Talisman of Desire. It's going.
I don't have a lot of time
to work on it these days.
With 20 hours of Farador a week
on top of your job,
good luck writing a book.
Yeah.
We gotta go.
Already?
OK! Don't be a stranger, man.
Take care.
So, what did he say?
I saw his lips say "Farador." Why?
Guys, he's been gone two weeks.
You could have said hi.
Look, he chose Marie-Ève.
He has to live with that decision.
What about the game?
We're not gonna keep playing?
THE TALISMAN OF DESIRE
I'll look into it. OK.
You got a list of people
with server access?
Yves Baril from accounting
can't log in to the network.
- Again?
- Yeah…
- What a nitwit!
- Yeah.
Hey, do you think Charles
seems distracted these days?
He's been making us
do weird stuff in the game.
It's a friggin' drag!
Yeah, I don't know what's with him.
But we're almost at the castle.
We have to make sure
he doesn't fuck us over.
Yeah.
Come on, guys. What is this?
Quit slacking.
We're in deep shit if we get caught.
OK, seriously,
be back on the floor in five minutes.
There are customers waiting.
You have no control over the staff.
They don't respect you.
And you cover for them
when they do a shitty job.
I said they could take a break
when it was quiet, but not to smoke.
See? You're covering for them,
and they don't give a shit about you!
Do you like your job, Charles?
Yeah.
If there's one thing I've learned
in my time here,
it's that my best employees
are the most ambitious.
It's weird, but the more you want to
get the fuck out of Tiger Electronics,
the harder you work.
You think?
Pure logic.
It's like you want to work
at Tiger Electronics forever,
maybe get promoted to boss.
But I'm the boss.
Do you have any passions, Charles?
I think so.
That's fucking depressing.
"I think so."
You need a life
outside of Tiger Electronics.
I have a life out--
Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm making someone else supervisor.
I'm cutting you down to three shifts
and putting you in the back.
I'm doing you a favor.
I won't make rent. That's a favor?
I want you to show up here
with a smile on your face,
not with Cheeto fingers,
looking like you gotta take a dump.
You're wasting your time here.
Take advantage of this.
Get your life together.
What a dumb move!
You asked your boss to cut your hours?
Yeah. I thought at least you guys
would be supportive.
You can hardly pay rent as it is!
What are you gonna do now?
At least we'll have
more time for Farador.
True. That's a good point.
No, we won't have
more time for Farador.
I didn't ask for less hours for fun.
I need quality time to write,
not goof off.
Hold up! Excuse me?
Goof off?
Not cool, Charles.
I want to fulfill my potential
and use my creative vision
for the good of mankind, for once.
A book about dragons fucking…
Just what mankind needs!
There are no dragons! Not one!
Remind you of anyone?
Paul's fucking girlfriend!
Hey! Nobody touches the figurines!
Anyway, the Marie-Èves of this world,
I can spot them
from a mile away now.
I doubt any of us
will get a girlfriend soon.
Speak for yourself.
You think you could get a girlfriend?
Yes. It's just that I'm not looking.
Where would you find her?
I think I could easily get
the girl from the ice cream truck.
- The tall blond?
- Yep.
You're crazy!
She thinks we're total geeks.
Give me five minutes alone with her,
and it's done.
Why don't you do it then?
Paul really screwed the pooch
by getting a girlfriend.
I'm not gonna do the same.
Check this one out!
Should we play a game
and try it out?
No, gotta write
at least one chapter tonight.
How long will that take?
I don't know.
Approximately?
Kim! What are you doing here?
When did you get back?
Hi, Kim.
Hi, Louis.
What happened this time?
It's not a rough patch.
Things with Tom just aren't working.
You say that every six months.
This time it's different.
Must be, if you flew here to talk.
So what's the problem this time?
I cheated on him.
Oh, shit! You?
Now I get why you're back.
He caught you with some dude
and tossed you out.
With a girl.
Oh yeah?
You two doing OK?
You seem…
Yeah, we're OK.
My sister is having "love problems."
That sucks.
Hang on, I have a cure for that.
With a girl?
Yeah, a Dutch girl
doing an internship with me.
Oh yeah? Was that your first time?
Yes and no.
I don't know anymore.
Honestly, I'm a bit lost.
Well, until you find yourself,
you can stay in our spare room.
Paul moved in with his girlfriend.
- Seriously?
- It's a bit small, but…
No, seriously, Paul got a girlfriend?
Yeah. It had to happen eventually.
Well, well…
OK.
What will the guys say?
Nothing. It's my place too!
Here. This'll beat the blues.
That's so sweet!
You don't remember me, do you, Mylène?
No… Maybe?
You look familiar.
You come here often?
Kim…
Riopelle.
We went to high school together.
Of course! Kim Riopelle!
That's crazy!
Didn't you wear glasses?
Yep. No more glasses!
So what are you doing now?
Not much.
I went to Belgium
about five years ago on vacation.
I stayed.
Things went to shit, so I'm back.
That sucks.
No, honestly, it's fine.
I was starting to miss Quebec.
Maybe we'll see each other more often!
My brother lives nearby.
Great! Good to see you again, Kim.
You too.
OK, who was she?
That's it.
I picked this place for a reason.
Remember how I was in theatre
in high school?
Well, junior year,
Louise Dagenais was the drama teacher.
She's an old feminist who worked on
the original The Fairies are Thirsty.
She decided we'd put on
an all-female version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was Romeo, and Mylène played Juliet.
And then, we did the scene
with the first kiss.
It's weird, but…
after being with the Dutch girl,
I remembered that moment.
I realized that kiss
opened something up in me,
something I've been denying
this whole time.
And I don't know.
Lately, I've been wanting
to see Mylène again.
What a shitty plan!
What?
How did you find her?
She doesn't even remember you!
Shut up! First off,
I Facebook stalked her.
Jesus Christ!
Leaving Brussels
to become a lesbian in Quebec…
Well done, champ!
Look who's talking!
The guy who wants less hours
and responsibilities at work
so he can write medieval soft porn.
You don't know shit
about love and passion,
'cause you live with two geeks,
stuck in a little fantasy world.
Fuck you. I know who I am.
I live with them because I like it.
And I want to fulfil my potential.
So, when was the last time
you finished a project?
Take your time.
That's it.
You're crazy!
All good, all good.
Night!
Night! Night!
Don't sleep in your clothes!
Once upon a timmmmmmmmmmm…
How's it going, my dudes?
Good. It's just that we're watching
an episode of Slapnut Samurai.
Come on! It's so dumb.
Shit!
No, no, no!
Fuck!
FUCK!
I tried to dry it with a hairdryer,
but it still wouldn't start.
That'll teach you
not to drink like a sailor.
Had you gotten far?
Yeah. I had written, like, half.
Now I'll have to rewrite it on paper.
Well, about time!
Done checking out Kim's tits?
She's out there in a bikini!
You gotta control your sister, Charles.
I don't see the problem.
She's outside. We're in the basement.
What difference does it make?
Look, I don't care,
but she has to be careful
because Louis is very sensitive.
I'm not sensitive!
Come on, Louis.
When we watch animes,
you always get hard.
Come on! What do you mean, hard?
Wait, how do you know Louis gets hard?
Enough messing around!
Are we gonna play?
Let's just focus on Farador!
You said Louis gets hard.
Let's drop it and play!
OK.
Look, guys,
I know you don't want Kim here.
Just let her stay in Paul's room
until she figures things out.
And how long will that take?
I don't know.
A few days? Weeks?
And who pays for the electricity
and Wi-Fi she'll siphon off?
I wouldn't be surprised if
she went back to Europe in a couple days.
Thanks for your understanding.
Let's pick up where we left off.
So, last time, Louis,
you were stuck in a pit,
and, Guillaume, you were
getting crushed by a club.
Look, we'll say
you dodged it in time.
You saved me!
OK, it's not over. Let's keep going.
Wait! Our experience points
for beating the ogre?
No experience points.
You didn't kill the ogre, he ran off.
So, you've barely
pulled yourself together
when you hear trees rustling
in the forest,
accompanied by the intoxicating aroma
of ylang-ylang in your nostrils.
What say you?
Is this brazen wildling girl
a friend or foe?
Calm down, Magister.
I'll use my legendary charisma
to charm this magnificent crea--
My Queen, we found these mongrels
disarming one of our traps.
Their crime calls
for an exemplary punishment.
Castrate these bastards!
I command it!
My Queen, this is all
a terrible misunder--
Silence, male!
No man may address
the mighty Queen Andraxya!
Snip, snip, snip!
No! No!
Do something!
They're gonna cut off my bollocks!
Yes, yes.
A phantasmagoric illusion spell!
I didn't know you had that
in your grimoire.
Yes, sir!
Damn good idea, Louis.
But now you're the one
to make the goddess talk,
and the Amazons better not
catch on to your ruse.
OK, I say…
It is I, your Goddess…
Oh, shit!
Come on! What's her name again?
I'm sure it's here somewhere.
OK! OK, I got it!
I say…
It is I, your Goddess Artemisia!
These men are not your enemies!
Treat them as allies.
As kings!
Treat them as kings!
And fuck them!
And fuck them.
But only if you want to.
Yes, Great Goddess,
your wish is our command.
Maadysha, fetch the amphoras
of our finest mead.
Tonight, we'll hold a feast
in honor of our guests.
And while we wait, Mage,
do me the honor
of granting me a private audience.
Wait, My Queen!
You're bypassing me again?
I take my bag of holding, and I…
Say hello to the eagle's splendor helmet!
Six bonus charisma points!
Come to me, magnificent warrior!
Goddammit, Guillaume!
I did everything!
Don't whine.
There are plenty of Amazons!
Yeah, but I was the one the queen wanted!
Goddammit!
So, how many times do I bang the queen?
Guillaume, we're not 15 anymore.
How many?
Roll a dice.
No, not a D20, a D6.
Six… You bang the queen six times.
It's noon. Let's go eat at the pub.
That's a nice offer, Kim,
but we're in the middle of a round.
We're playing now.
Charles will eat after.
Who does she think she is?
She thinks she can do
whatever she wants?
She ruined our game.
"Until she figures things out!"
She better do it fast.
She judges us.
I wouldn't be surprised
if she didn't want him to play anymore.
Red for me, blue for him.
You're freaking out over nothing.
Charles said she'll probably go home.
No. I'm sure she'll stick
around as long as she can.
We have to make her life hell.
We'll be rude and unruly.
We'll eat her groceries!
She'll end up changing Charles.
They just went out for a beer.
What do you think they're doing?
She's obviously telling him
we're a bad influence.
The guys are a bad influence on you.
What? What are you talking about?
I'm not 8 years old.
- I can take care of myself.
- I don't think you can.
Kim, you just got here.
Can we take it easy, please?
How do you know
she'll want to experiment too?
I don't know.
I just think that if I felt something,
she must have too.
Kim, it was theatre.
If I don't try, I'll never know.
I don't know what your plan is,
but you're headed right for a brick wall.
Hanging around her bar for weeks
won't make her jump your bones.
I've thought of everything.
Hey, Kim! You're back already?
Have you at least sobered up?
I fell in love with the place!
- A couple pints?
- OK!
Bloody Mary for me, virgin.
Hey, Mylène!
Yeah?
What are you up to this weekend?
I don't know. Why?
Well, I was wondering…
I'm hosting a little reunion party
for the girls
from high school drama.
A lot of them are coming.
So if you want to come…
I'd love to come!
That's a great idea.
Good, I'll send you the details.
Are you on Facebook?
Yes! Send them over.
Cool, that's awesome!
No! No, no!
I'll clean up after, I promise.
It'll be spick-and-span.
The guys will have a heart attack.
I'll get in deep shit.
They'll be fine.
No thanks, just one for me.
OK. There are chips on the table too.
Cool, thanks!
I've never felt so not at home,
at home.
You'll survive.
You have a whole pool of chicks
right in front of you.
Just dive in and talk to them.
They didn't talk to us back then,
they won't now.
Yeah, you've changed. You're…
OK, you're the same.
But look, it's never too late
to meet people.
Charles, a girl destroyed our group,
and now you've brought over 12 of them.
Not cool.
Your hot-dog!
It's at the back to your right.
Thanks.
What's going on, Charles?
Nothing.
You invited Paul too?
No, no. Marie-Ève was in Kim's troupe.
I guess he decided to come.
That's bullshit.
Oh no! He's coming. What do we do?
Should we hide?
- Hey, man!
- Hey.
How's it going?
Want a beer?
I wouldn't say no.
OK, cool!
Anyone know what Ms. Dagenais
is doing now?
I'm sure she's still trying to corrupt
innocent young girls.
Like me!
I know you saw the difference in cups.
I was in the catacombs!
Enough about the catacombs!
Come on, Guillaume!
I didn't see anything!
Stop nagging me with that shit.
Guys, can we just have a drink in peace?
We never got to settle things.
We have to stop avoiding the subject.
They weren't even
the same color, Guillaume!
- I came down.
- They weren't the same color!
The witch was between us.
I didn't see!
Can I help you?
Sorry. This is your room?
- Yeah.
- I'm so nosy!
I was just wondering
what all of this is.
It's fine. No worries.
Solange, right?
We didn't talk much in high school.
Well, we were in different grades.
What are you working on?
Don't laugh, OK?
I'm writing a novel.
That's awesome!
- Yeah?
- Super old school.
Hand-written and everything?
Yeah. You know, computers…
What's your novel about?
It's medieval erotica.
It's not often explored
in the fantasy genre.
But I figured with the success of
Game of Thrones and Fifty Shades of Grey,
it might work.
That's so hot!
You think so?
So, that means someday,
one of your novels
might end up in there?
Maybe I should make room now.
Yep.
Jesus, I didn't see anything!
Louis can tell you.
Did you see anything, Louis?
What?
The switch between the normal cup
and the poison one?
Did you see anything?
No. No, I didn't see anything.
Listen, I think it was Charles' fault.
As master,
he does have a history
of dubious choices that nearly kill us.
You're fucking jealous.
You're just fucking jealous
I left with Marie-Ève.
Who remembers their lines?
I don't even think
I knew them on opening night.
You can obviously find them online.
We should do a reading.
I don't know…
Come on, it'll be funny!
It'll be like the good old days!
Stop, you weren't that bad!
Your group avoided us like the plague!
- No, no!
- Yes!
You guys were a bit too timid.
OK!
I'd even say…
I maybe thought you were kind of cute.
What?
You can't tell me that now!
I mean, why was I so shy? Why?
What are you still doing there?
Supervising, to be sure
they don't do anything crazy.
Follow me.
"Prologue."
No, you don't say that part.
"Two households, like…
"both alike in dignity,
"In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
"From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood
makes civil hands unclean."
"From forth the fatal loins
of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers…"
Shouldn't you join them?
I think they're doing the play.
No. I didn't have a lot of lines anyway.
Yeah.
You would have had a bigger role
if you'd done Othello.
Sorry, was that offensive?
A little.
But at least you know your classics.
Yes, thanks.
OK, that's enough.
Let's get them out of here.
The mask of Gouroumil?
Yeah.
So you strip down to your underwear,
put that on
and scream at the top of your lungs.
Whoa, why me?
Because the mask suits you better.
So? I'm not doing it.
It won't scare them.
We have to defend our territory.
Don't be such a sissy.
Goddammit!
I'll show them who's the alpha.
"O, then, dear saint,
let lips do what hands do;
"They pray, grant thou,
lest faith turn to despair."
"Saints do not move,
though grant for prayers’ sake.
"Then move not,
"while my prayer’s effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours,
my sin is purged."
Whoa! What are you doing?
Well, it's the…
What the fuck?
Come on! He can't swim!
I made a fool of myself.
No. You never tried
with a girl before.
Just try a new approach.
Well, I won't try again with Mylène.
You can thank your two trolls for that.
They're not the ones who tried
to kiss her in front of everyone.
Why do you always defend them?
They stopped you
from scoring with Solange too.
They always keep you from scoring,
in everything.
I don't understand
why you insist on staying here.
I can't afford my own apartment.
Well, we could get one together.
What? I'm serious!
I'm gonna start working soon.
We could get a nice two bedroom downtown.
Yeah, living with my sister
or my two best friends?
What a dilemma!
I don't see why it's even a choice.
Come on, watch yourself!
Sorry.
I've never taken care of anyone before.
Maybe we should ask Kim.
Worst idea ever.
Hey, ask Paul to come back too,
while you're at it.
We could restart the party.
She's not that bad.
You've had a crush on her for 15 years.
It's clouding your judgement.
Didn't you notice
she was hitting on a girl tonight?
Kim…
is a lesbian succubus
who doesn't give a shit about you.
Blessed stars! You don't pull any punches,
my friend!
Isn't that a bit much, Louis?
He shouldn't have
tried to touch my wizard wand.
Yeah, but you wasted fireballs!
No weakling shall be spared
a punishment that…
Sorry.
I gotta take this.
What do you want?
Well, hello to you too!
I'm good! Thanks for asking.
Sorry. We're in the middle of a campaign,
and the guys are being annoying.
Did you read the Wizards of the Realms
newsletter this morning?
No, my computer's dead.
They're doing a call for pitches
in three weeks.
You can't miss it!
Seriously?
They want game ideas,
visual concepts, manuscripts.
It's perfect to pitch your novel.
They have offices in Toronto.
I'll drive you. Road trip, man!
Fuck…
Three weeks? I'll never finish in time.
Come on, man!
You can't miss it. Power through.
I gotta go. Bye!
No, Charles…
- What?
- Come on, man, the game!
Yeah, I'm coming.
I read about your work in Haiti.
It's really cool.
It can't have been easy.
Oh no! But that's nothing
compared to our next project.
We're trying to develop
a partnership with Mali to dig wells.
Oh boy! Let's just say
it's a lot of politics.
Well, for me,
as I was saying earlier,
apart from my time in Belgium,
I don't really have
international experience.
In Brussels, I did management
for small community organizations,
but nothing on this scale.
Listen, I like what I'm seeing.
You're exactly the kind of person we want.
Oh yeah? It's just that…
Don't worry about it!
Plus, I'll be the one training you.
Do you trust me?
Well, yeah.
You're quitting?
Yeah.
Now?
To write The Talisman of Pleasure?
Desire. The Talisman of Desire.
Boobs and dragons…
There are no dragons.
I need you. What is this bullshit?
You cut my hours and told me
to find a passion, so I did.
Yeah, but a passion
like birdwatching on the weekends,
not writing stories
about magic swords in vaginas
and quitting your job.
Come on, Charles,
we're already short-staffed!
Maybe if you stop telling employees
they're wasting their time here,
you won't be short-staffed.
Excuse me, miss!
Is this Canada?
It's not bad!
Come on…
I told you not to follow me here.
It seemed like a good idea in my head.
Tom…
What happened,
it wasn't just a phase.
Yeah, I got it, thanks.
But can we at least talk?
Yeah, but whether I like girls or not,
it's over between us.
I could have told you
by phone or text.
You didn't have to cross an ocean.
Well, maybe if you answered my texts…
I know, I'm sorry.
I wasn't ready.
Just tell me you don't
have a girlfriend.
No, no, no.
But not for lack of trying!
It was a total failure,
so I'm still single.
I'm not ready to hear stories
about your hunt for pussy.
After a couple beers.
Let's get your bags inside.
- I don't know.
- I'll buy you a drink.
I don't know, Kim.
As a Belgian,
between drinking what you call beer
or going straight home,
I don't know what's worse.
Honestly…
We have excellent wheat beer, you know.
I'm sure.
Come in, but shush.
Yeah, yeah, shush! You OK?
I'm OK.
I'm not sure I like this room.
You sleep there!
You're making me sleep on the floor
like a dog?
It's that or a hostel.
Now, this is luxury!
My little cabin in Canada!
Five stars on Tripadvisor. Watch out!
I forgot that you can't shut up
when you're loaded.
Hey, Kim?
This is just a thought,
but I'll say it anyway.
OK.
You can tell all your girlfriends here
you have the coolest ex in the world.
Sure.
And that's he's free now!
Yeah…
And that he has a huge dick!
Shut the fuck up!
Go to sleep.
There are a lot of swords.
I know. But the guys are sleeping.
I just don't want them to…
Wanna go walk around town?
Yeah, I'll do that.
I'll let you know when I'm off work.
So, what's the news today?
"Summer festival
victim of its own success.
Artists say not enough local content."
Yeah…
Hey, at the risk of sounding nosy…
I have a question about your sister.
What?
Think she's a bit confused?
It's just that the other night,
she tried to kiss a girl at the party.
And that makes her confused?
No, no.
It's just that last night,
she brought a guy home.
Oh yeah?
I wouldn't call that confused,
just open-minded.
What are you talking about?
First day as accounts payable
and receivable clerk!
So you brought a guy home yesterday?
Are you switching back or what?
You're the rat?
None of your business!
I think it's confused
to bring a French guy home.
Hang on. Did you say he was French?
Well, he had the accent.
Shut up!
Is that true? It's not Tom, is it?
Whatever!
What the fuck? Tom is in town?
Tom is her ex?
Yep.
She's back with her ex,
even though she's into girls now.
What's he doing here?
What do you think?
He came to talk
and settle things properly.
And I'm putting him up
until his flight home.
You're putting him up?
This isn't a hotel!
First off, change your tone.
I'm helping him out!
Don't you ever help people?
Yes, I'm helping someone right now.
And I'm really starting to regret it!
I didn't hide him in my luggage.
He came on his own!
He's not the problem!
I don't give a shit about him!
But it's like Groundhog Day,
the Kim Riopelle version.
"We're back together.
We're not together."
I don't talk like that.
And we're not back together.
It's none of your
goddamn business!
And he's leaving in a couple days.
Where is he now?
He's walking around town
till I get off work
and I've cleared it with you guys.
You were in a real rush to tell us, huh?
You're so fucking confused!
Hey, fuck off, Charles. OK?
Stop saying I'm confused!
I didn't get on a plane and come here
because I didn't know what I want.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
And who are you to be
giving me life lessons?
The dumb game professional
who quit his job to write a book
about magicians in jockstraps,
which you'll never finish,
by the way,
'cause you haven't written
one goddamn line since I got here!
Yeah, it's hard to write
when your sister
won't shut up about
her fucked-up love problems!
Yeah, it's too much to ask
for a brother to support his sister
during a major existential crisis!
OK, calm your tits.
It's a lot of insults from someone
whose whole life plan is shit.
So you're starting work today?
Oh, fuck off.
Fucking center door handle!
Hello?
Hi, Solange! It's Charles.
I hope I'm not bothering you.
No, no.
OK, cool, cool.
You OK?
Yeah, great!
Sorry, I'm super wired right now.
I don't even know what time it is.
It's 4:12 in the morning.
Oh, shit! That means I've been writing
for 12 hours straight.
OK, OK.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. I just wrote four chapters.
It's pouring out of me.
And you may not remember,
but at the party,
I was telling you something was missing
in Chapter 11.
Well, I just figured it out.
All I needed was a tarrasque!
That's what I needed
to attack the characters. A tarrasque!
Hello?
Yeah, I don't know what that is,
but I'm listening.
It's a super powerful monster.
But it changes everything!
And actually, the tarrasque
takes them to the talisman of desire.
Hello?
Charles, you wanna grab a beer tomorrow?
That's such a nice offer,
but I don't know if I can,
because I'm on a roll
and it's like--
OK, listen,
do me a favor
and go check your Magic cards
to see if there's one to make you grow up,
and call me back after, OK?
Bye.
OK…
Our choices are passing through
Giant's Peak or the Arachnid Desert.
Remember what happened last time?
We'll learn from our mistakes.
So this is the Kingdom of Fara-dude.
Now you decide to come see me!
I was starting to think
you were cheap.
How's it going?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I had stuff to sort out
with your sister.
It's fine.
Wow!
Kim said you still played,
but I didn't know it went this far!
Hello, mates.
What's up?
We're playing now.
We'll chat later.
Well, my man.
You seem a bit beat.
What's going on?
Well, I'm busy writing my novel,
but it's really coming along.
Oh, cool!
Charles, the game.
Yeah, we'll keep playing.
So, Tom, we'll talk later?
Can I stay and watch?
I promise not to bother you.
Wanna play? Do you know how it works?
Yeah, I played a lot as a kid,
but I quit when
I started growing pubic hair.
Well, do you guys mind?
It'll take too long to
create a new character from scratch,
so I'll give you a template.
Oh yeah? Who am I?
- A rogue.
- A rogue?
That's no good.
A rogue is very useful.
They detect traps, unlock doors.
Wow, Level 1, heavily armed with a dagger.
That'll get me far.
What do you expect?
It's your first mission.
You start at the bottom.
OK.
Who are you guys?
Gardakan, Level 66 paladin.
Mordak, Level 57 archmage.
Hold up…
The Gs and Ks in your names,
is that to sound more medieval?
How long have you been playing?
- Every week.
- For 18 years.
OK, shall we continue?
Yes, the mission is to infiltrate
the Fortress of Farador,
which is just a few days away on foot.
The guys are in the Blood Forest.
We'll say you've agreed to meet there.
Oh yeah, you'll need a name.
Boba Fett.
That's a Star Wars character.
You can't use it.
So I'll be Foba Bett.
Hey, guys!
Wait for me!
So, you're walking through the clearing,
when suddenly,
you hear strange bird calls.
But they're not really birds.
It's as though you've been spotted
by watchmen sounding the alarm.
OK, so I'll…
Stand back, comrades!
We're in the land of the wild horde.
My sword will swiftly dispatch
these scoundrels!
Bold words, Lord Gardakan!
In the name of
the Sorcerer King of Farador,
surrender!
It is your rotten blood that
shall quench this forsaken land, today!
OK, OK. Let's tally the experience points.
Guillaume and Louis,
you each have 8,400 points.
And, Tom, you have…
44 points for stabbing a wounded guy.
Now let's loot the dead!
Too late. Tom did it
while you were fighting.
So, Tom, you found 12 platinum pieces,
7 gems and 66 gold pieces.
Want me to count the electrum
and indulgence pieces?
What pieces?
Indulgence. You can trade them
for religious favors in a temple.
The priests give blow jobs?
Well, in that case,
I'll throw them in the next stream.
You're not sharing the loot?
You've been playing for 18 years.
Don't tell me you're broke.
Yeah, I didn't think Kim would date
someone so deceitful.
So, you've just wiped out
the wild horde…
Hang on a minute, Gamemaster.
Can I try something?
With my piercing rogue vision,
could I search the bodies further
to see if we missed anything?
Yes. Roll the dice.
You never know.
Lucky roll!
So, Tom, while searching a dead scoundrel,
you find boots of elvenkind
that allow you to move through the forest
without making sound.
That'll come in handy
when you want to backstab a partridge!
OK, you walk all day, when suddenly,
night falls like an ominous veil
over the forest.
You're exhausted.
OK, we set up camp for the night.
We set up camp for the night.
Who takes first watch
so we're not ambushed?
I'll do it. Why not?
I'll take second turn.
So, Louis, you take
the end of the night until morning.
You make a fire.
Foba Bett takes first watch.
You two sleep.
Hour one.
Nothing happens.
Hour two.
Still nothing.
Hour three.
Shift ends. Nothing happened.
What do you do?
What do you mean?
You wake me up! What's with him?
It's his turn to guard.
He can make his own decisions.
Well, I don't know.
The elf things,
the silent boots.
They work?
Yes, you're in the forest.
So I slowly approach Gardakan.
I cut open his bag with my dagger
and swipe his gold.
He can't do that!
You two are sleeping.
You can't speak.
Tom, it won't be easy.
You're attacking a high-level paladin
with sharp senses.
Are you sure?
Roll the agility dice
to see if you succeed.
One! What a moron!
That's the worst number.
Not only do you fail to steal the gold,
you get a clumsiness penalty
making you trip and…
No way!
He was behind you,
so he was at the right angle.
Yeah, but that's gotta hurt!
I must wake up.
True. Roll the dice.
You don't wake up.
Tom, your plan is a total failure,
so you give up, OK?
So, Guillaume,
you wake up
with a gargantuan colorectal pain
and feeling viscous blood
gliding down your thigh.
What the fuck is this?
Lord Gardakan, my word, your posterior
is quite the stubborn sheath.
No fucking way! Motherfucker!
I'll cut your head off, asshole!
I'm doing 12 D8s plus 34 damage.
You're finished, bitch!
Yes! 112 damage points!
You're dead!
Wait. Saving throw.
Wait.
You were struck while sleeping, and…
well, mages don't wear armor.
Nothing I can do, man.
You killed my character!
OK, maybe I should go.
That wasn't cool, man.
You could have stopped me anytime.
You didn't.
Well, I have a few days left here.
I'm gonna go see the country.
- You're not waiting for Kim?
- Nah.
Goodbyes aren't really our thing.
So…
good luck, buddy!
It was an accident, OK?
Of course it was!
How could I have seen that coming?
You're always messing with me!
Hey, fuck!
Don't be like Paul!
Like Paul how?
Saying I killed your character
over a girl!
What girl?
Don't play dumb!
Eighteen fucking years!
I've been your little lap dog
for 18 years!
And the second I get a little freedom…
You're not that free.
My character dies.
We both knew Paul's cup was poison.
But I didn't do anything
'cause you turned me against him.
Yeah, I'm the bad guy!
'Cause you're too much a wimp
to make your own decisions!
A wimp! Oh yeah?
Well, get this. I'm done!
As soon as I can,
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I'll believe it when I see it!
Louis making his own choices!
"It's morning! What should I do?
"I don't know!
Should I paint my little figurines?"
Listen, Mylène…
things got a little weird
at the party.
Hey, it's not the first time
I see some idiot in his underwear.
No, I…
I mean when I tried to kiss you.
I went too far.
Don't worry about it!
We always knew
you were into theatre girls.
Well…
I just figured it out two weeks ago.
It happens.
You just have to meet the right person.
You didn't notice Judith
checking you out?
Big time.
Huh.
He didn't?
He did.
Sorry.
Come on, Kim!
Why did you let him
fuck his ass with a penknife?
I don't know.
It all happened so fast.
What an idiot!
You laugh, but they've worked
on those characters for 18 years.
It's like they killed
their best friend.
Yes, it's the same.
Stop laughing!
Sorry, but it's hard
to take it seriously.
Well, I'm taking it seriously.
Can't you see I'm closed?
You could at least be polite.
I'm not a dog!
Think I don't see you laughing at us?
Would it be so hard to just be nice?
Tell it to your rude friend.
No other customer treats me so shitty.
What's his problem, anyway?
I don't know.
He can be rough with people.
Yeah, well, you have to give respect
to get respect.
You can be rude to him,
but not to me.
How am I supposed to be nice
with that loser always next to you?
I understand.
But he's not here now.
Solange!
I'm bad with girls, OK?
I lost my virginity to a Magic Bag.
- What?
- I mean, not literally.
But I obviously don't know
how to talk to you, or when.
OK, Charles, this isn't a good time.
Yeah, but I really wanted to see you.
I wanted to make up for last time
and say that we should go get that beer!
OK! Cool.
Now go.
As in, "Yes, let's go get…"
Go!
Or I'll call security.
OK, I'm going. Bye.
Thanks.
So…
I started reading
The Talisman of Desire.
And it's pretty good.
I swear.
Well, thanks.
I was stuck until I realized
I needed a tarrasque.
After that, I started writing
and it just came out.
- And at the end…
- Hey, no spoilers.
You know, I don't agree with what Tom did.
But without knowing it,
he did me a favor.
Ending the game allowed me to write.
What is it?
I know you. You're hiding something.
- No!
- Yes!
No, I was just thinking
about my date tomorrow.
- OK.
- With Judith.
Judith, your boss?
Shit!
Were you spying on us?
Spying on you?
Like you're so interesting!
You OK?
Yeah.
Guys…
I'm sorry about what Tom did.
It wasn't cool.
You can apologize, but…
it won't bring back his character.
I know, and he should have known
it wasn't OK to…
to…
to disturb your slumber.
Yeah.
Maybe it was just an accident.
Of course it was.
We were singing folk songs
around the fire, and zip!
His dagger just happened to
stab my character.
Have you read Charles's book?
Well, it's really good.
And he'll sell enough of them
to get a great apartment downtown.
An apartment?
What is she talking about?
You can't leave us!
Kim, what is this?
Don't you see?
They're acting like babies!
Grow up!
You've been wasting away here
for too long.
OK, enough!
I'll do what I want!
We've been doing what you want
for 18 years.
But we never got to fucking Farador.
You owe it to us
to finish before leaving.
Yeah.
We're restarting the game,
to just before her ex showed up.
Charles, you have a pitch to prepare.
You have to sell your book in Toronto.
Relax, Kim. That's going fine.
The guys are right.
They're my friends.
I can't leave them hanging.
So if you want, Louis,
you can come back with a new character.
Level 1, no weapons, nothing.
That's not worth it.
OK. Yes.
You're getting played.
No, it's all under control.
But I'm telling you,
the game ends tonight.
Starting tomorrow,
I have to get ready for my trip.
We've been playing Farador
for 18 years.
How are we gonna just finish
without botching it?
It'll be fine.
But you'll need help.
- Kim will play too.
- What?
- What? No.
-That's my condition.
Why would I do that?
Listen, since you asked Tom
to fuck up the game…
What?
…you've gotta clean up your mess
and help the guys.
Think I didn't catch on
to your little shenanigans, Kim?
I know you were trying to help me,
and it worked.
But it was also to piss them off.
Kim, that's not cool.
I think you should apologize.
No way we're playing with her.
She'll try to kill our characters.
She won't try to kill your characters.
She'll help you
to gain forgiveness.
Right?
Fuck that!
Kim, it's high time you learned about
the passion I've had
since I was a teenager,
the thing that allowed me
to meet my best friends
and helped me write my book!
THE DRUNKEN DWARF
Colostromo, a round!
Let me, brave man.
Are you lost, stranger?
You're Sorcerer Farador's royal guard?
What do you want, little man?
I must meet your liege.
His head begs to be separated
from the rest of his body,
and I intend to fulfil that request.
I'm gonna kill him.
Get rid of this peasant!
Now you're really in trouble!
Ta-da!
Kimala and Mardok arrive!
You named your new character Mardok?
Yeah! He's Mordak's twin brother.
Yes! Yes!
A secret twin brother is the best!
What do you do?
WTF? You're a bard?
Why not? It's a new character.
Might as well try something new!
Bards suck!
Mr. Paladin, you were…
But now I…
What is this, Charles?
Well, he saved my life.
I have to reward him!
Yeah, but I did everything!
Yeah, but musicians have, like,
100 extra charisma points with chicks.
Yeah, and if we were backstage
at one of his shows,
I probably would have given him
a little treat.
Come on, can we keep playing?
When we're done making out.
My word, Lord Gardakan!
You're injured!
Sorry I'm late.
What are you doing here?
I invited him.
I figured we'd need a good cleric.
A doctor.
We said we'd never play with him again.
No, you decided that.
I didn't decide anything!
Louis, it's fine.
No!
Paul has played from the start.
He's gotta play to the end.
Would you rather stop now?
OK, I think we can restart.
No.
This isn't fun anymore.
Things were good
before everyone got on my case.
Now your sister is playing.
Paul's dead character is back.
And you're plotting against me!
Guillaume, no one is against…
It's fine.
Let's finish the fucking game.
So, Rhogol the cleric
has come to the rescue.
But to enter the Castle of Farador,
you must find the three keys
to the Amarlagloth door!
It's up to you.
You got it! Good job!
OK, watch out!
OK, it's good.
Yeah, write it.
Yeah, I'm writing it.
"We're taking the mountain pass."
OK, finally!
It took 18 years to get here!
I got a half boner.
Careful!
The door opens slowly
with a creak
that could wake a mountain titan.
You find yourselves in the castle's yard,
despite the esoteric protests
of your survival instincts.
So, you're, uh…
Yes, it is me,
the powerful Sorcerer King Farador!
Who dares disturb
my despotic reign of terror?
This audacity will cost you
your pitiful lives!
I, Gardakan, and my brave comrades
are here to extinguish the flame
of your despicable world domination!
Get ready to die,
you miserable scoundrel!
Run!
Seriously? It's that strong, a…
A sharkgon: half-dragon, half-shark.
It's the most powerful monster.
12,000 hit points,
impenetrable titanium scales,
nine rows of teeth.
OK. Guillaume is the strongest.
So our best bet would be
to have Guillaume take on Farador alone
while we create a diversion
for the sharkgon.
Won't work. The sharkgon
is only going after Guillaume.
Why only me?
Because of your, uh…
injury from the last game,
some areas got irritated.
And since you're running,
it creates friction,
creating tiny fissures.
And being half-shark,
the sharkgon is attracted
to the scent of blood.
Wow! You came up with all that?
A good master must consider every detail.
OK, well, we have no choice.
We attack Farador!
Roll the dice.
That's what you get
for defying the powerful Farador!
No!
Ah, shoot! It's over.
But where is the lesbian elf?
Did you see?
Did you see how I blocked the sword?
Ching, ching!
Valiant paladin, save your strength.
Thank you, friends.
I didn't deserve your indulgence.
I carelessly put our friendship in danger.
I was afraid you'd leave me all alone.
I was jealous of your happiness.
No need to say more.
All is forgiven.
I didn't deserve such loyal comrades.
You did good, big brother.
Mordak! Our magic vessel.
At last, our final destination…
the Castle of Farador!
But this is just the start
of our journey, Sir Gardakan.
The kingdom is filled
with bloodthirsty monsters
and treacherous mazes.
Many knights have failed
to reach the castle.
Stop at once, vile creatures!
Rhogol, quick, the poison!
So, who liberates the princess?
I think we'll have to roll the dice.
No way! I blasted the kobold warrior
attacking you guys.
So? I got the final kill.
Yeah, but your guy
would be dead without me.
OK, roll the dice.
You're way too lucky!
So, Gardakan,
you liberate the princess.
As a thank you,
she gives you a little wink.
Wait. Can I take her into the bushes
and bang her?
We're in the Kingdom of Farador.
You can definitely bang her.
How many times?
Roll the dice, and we'll see.
I hope this game never ends.
18 YEARS LATER
So, Mordak, in a cruel twist of fate,
you fall into a pit filled with spikes.
Mordak!
Jesus! I told you to watch your step.
As for you,
I've had enough of your traps.
Will we ever get to the castle?
Guys, you knew from the start
it could take years.
The kingdom is filled
with bloodthirsty monsters
and treacherous mazes and…
Convoluted traps.
Yeah, yeah, we know.
It's just been harder
since Rhogol died.
I have ten hit points left.
And I'm all out of revival potion!
Stop being a baby and roll the dice
to see if you die.
Louis, you're…
alive!
Take my hand, old pal!
No, no, no!
You're doing it on purpose!
What? The ogre came from behind.
You didn't see him.
Hey, is that Paul?
What's he doing here?
He just came to get a couple things.
Paul! How's it going, man?
Good, you?
Good.
- Right here?
- Yeah.
Jesus! Couple of babies.
Yeah, they can be idiots.
- Do they know we can see them?
- Doesn't seem so.
- Hi!
- Hello!
- How's it going, Marie-Ève?
- Good.
Hold up! Is that a baby bump?
You didn't tell me, man!
That's awesome. Congratulations!
No, Charles.
It's a hernia, but thanks for asking.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck, man?
I don't know.
I mean, it's a big hernia.
Put down your medieval erotica
and learn to talk to 21st-century women.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
How's it coming? The Medallion of…
The Talisman of Desire. It's going.
I don't have a lot of time
to work on it these days.
With 20 hours of Farador a week
on top of your job,
good luck writing a book.
Yeah.
We gotta go.
Already?
OK! Don't be a stranger, man.
Take care.
So, what did he say?
I saw his lips say "Farador." Why?
Guys, he's been gone two weeks.
You could have said hi.
Look, he chose Marie-Ève.
He has to live with that decision.
What about the game?
We're not gonna keep playing?
THE TALISMAN OF DESIRE
I'll look into it. OK.
You got a list of people
with server access?
Yves Baril from accounting
can't log in to the network.
- Again?
- Yeah…
- What a nitwit!
- Yeah.
Hey, do you think Charles
seems distracted these days?
He's been making us
do weird stuff in the game.
It's a friggin' drag!
Yeah, I don't know what's with him.
But we're almost at the castle.
We have to make sure
he doesn't fuck us over.
Yeah.
Come on, guys. What is this?
Quit slacking.
We're in deep shit if we get caught.
OK, seriously,
be back on the floor in five minutes.
There are customers waiting.
You have no control over the staff.
They don't respect you.
And you cover for them
when they do a shitty job.
I said they could take a break
when it was quiet, but not to smoke.
See? You're covering for them,
and they don't give a shit about you!
Do you like your job, Charles?
Yeah.
If there's one thing I've learned
in my time here,
it's that my best employees
are the most ambitious.
It's weird, but the more you want to
get the fuck out of Tiger Electronics,
the harder you work.
You think?
Pure logic.
It's like you want to work
at Tiger Electronics forever,
maybe get promoted to boss.
But I'm the boss.
Do you have any passions, Charles?
I think so.
That's fucking depressing.
"I think so."
You need a life
outside of Tiger Electronics.
I have a life out--
Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm making someone else supervisor.
I'm cutting you down to three shifts
and putting you in the back.
I'm doing you a favor.
I won't make rent. That's a favor?
I want you to show up here
with a smile on your face,
not with Cheeto fingers,
looking like you gotta take a dump.
You're wasting your time here.
Take advantage of this.
Get your life together.
What a dumb move!
You asked your boss to cut your hours?
Yeah. I thought at least you guys
would be supportive.
You can hardly pay rent as it is!
What are you gonna do now?
At least we'll have
more time for Farador.
True. That's a good point.
No, we won't have
more time for Farador.
I didn't ask for less hours for fun.
I need quality time to write,
not goof off.
Hold up! Excuse me?
Goof off?
Not cool, Charles.
I want to fulfill my potential
and use my creative vision
for the good of mankind, for once.
A book about dragons fucking…
Just what mankind needs!
There are no dragons! Not one!
Remind you of anyone?
Paul's fucking girlfriend!
Hey! Nobody touches the figurines!
Anyway, the Marie-Èves of this world,
I can spot them
from a mile away now.
I doubt any of us
will get a girlfriend soon.
Speak for yourself.
You think you could get a girlfriend?
Yes. It's just that I'm not looking.
Where would you find her?
I think I could easily get
the girl from the ice cream truck.
- The tall blond?
- Yep.
You're crazy!
She thinks we're total geeks.
Give me five minutes alone with her,
and it's done.
Why don't you do it then?
Paul really screwed the pooch
by getting a girlfriend.
I'm not gonna do the same.
Check this one out!
Should we play a game
and try it out?
No, gotta write
at least one chapter tonight.
How long will that take?
I don't know.
Approximately?
Kim! What are you doing here?
When did you get back?
Hi, Kim.
Hi, Louis.
What happened this time?
It's not a rough patch.
Things with Tom just aren't working.
You say that every six months.
This time it's different.
Must be, if you flew here to talk.
So what's the problem this time?
I cheated on him.
Oh, shit! You?
Now I get why you're back.
He caught you with some dude
and tossed you out.
With a girl.
Oh yeah?
You two doing OK?
You seem…
Yeah, we're OK.
My sister is having "love problems."
That sucks.
Hang on, I have a cure for that.
With a girl?
Yeah, a Dutch girl
doing an internship with me.
Oh yeah? Was that your first time?
Yes and no.
I don't know anymore.
Honestly, I'm a bit lost.
Well, until you find yourself,
you can stay in our spare room.
Paul moved in with his girlfriend.
- Seriously?
- It's a bit small, but…
No, seriously, Paul got a girlfriend?
Yeah. It had to happen eventually.
Well, well…
OK.
What will the guys say?
Nothing. It's my place too!
Here. This'll beat the blues.
That's so sweet!
You don't remember me, do you, Mylène?
No… Maybe?
You look familiar.
You come here often?
Kim…
Riopelle.
We went to high school together.
Of course! Kim Riopelle!
That's crazy!
Didn't you wear glasses?
Yep. No more glasses!
So what are you doing now?
Not much.
I went to Belgium
about five years ago on vacation.
I stayed.
Things went to shit, so I'm back.
That sucks.
No, honestly, it's fine.
I was starting to miss Quebec.
Maybe we'll see each other more often!
My brother lives nearby.
Great! Good to see you again, Kim.
You too.
OK, who was she?
That's it.
I picked this place for a reason.
Remember how I was in theatre
in high school?
Well, junior year,
Louise Dagenais was the drama teacher.
She's an old feminist who worked on
the original The Fairies are Thirsty.
She decided we'd put on
an all-female version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was Romeo, and Mylène played Juliet.
And then, we did the scene
with the first kiss.
It's weird, but…
after being with the Dutch girl,
I remembered that moment.
I realized that kiss
opened something up in me,
something I've been denying
this whole time.
And I don't know.
Lately, I've been wanting
to see Mylène again.
What a shitty plan!
What?
How did you find her?
She doesn't even remember you!
Shut up! First off,
I Facebook stalked her.
Jesus Christ!
Leaving Brussels
to become a lesbian in Quebec…
Well done, champ!
Look who's talking!
The guy who wants less hours
and responsibilities at work
so he can write medieval soft porn.
You don't know shit
about love and passion,
'cause you live with two geeks,
stuck in a little fantasy world.
Fuck you. I know who I am.
I live with them because I like it.
And I want to fulfil my potential.
So, when was the last time
you finished a project?
Take your time.
That's it.
You're crazy!
All good, all good.
Night!
Night! Night!
Don't sleep in your clothes!
Once upon a timmmmmmmmmmm…
How's it going, my dudes?
Good. It's just that we're watching
an episode of Slapnut Samurai.
Come on! It's so dumb.
Shit!
No, no, no!
Fuck!
FUCK!
I tried to dry it with a hairdryer,
but it still wouldn't start.
That'll teach you
not to drink like a sailor.
Had you gotten far?
Yeah. I had written, like, half.
Now I'll have to rewrite it on paper.
Well, about time!
Done checking out Kim's tits?
She's out there in a bikini!
You gotta control your sister, Charles.
I don't see the problem.
She's outside. We're in the basement.
What difference does it make?
Look, I don't care,
but she has to be careful
because Louis is very sensitive.
I'm not sensitive!
Come on, Louis.
When we watch animes,
you always get hard.
Come on! What do you mean, hard?
Wait, how do you know Louis gets hard?
Enough messing around!
Are we gonna play?
Let's just focus on Farador!
You said Louis gets hard.
Let's drop it and play!
OK.
Look, guys,
I know you don't want Kim here.
Just let her stay in Paul's room
until she figures things out.
And how long will that take?
I don't know.
A few days? Weeks?
And who pays for the electricity
and Wi-Fi she'll siphon off?
I wouldn't be surprised if
she went back to Europe in a couple days.
Thanks for your understanding.
Let's pick up where we left off.
So, last time, Louis,
you were stuck in a pit,
and, Guillaume, you were
getting crushed by a club.
Look, we'll say
you dodged it in time.
You saved me!
OK, it's not over. Let's keep going.
Wait! Our experience points
for beating the ogre?
No experience points.
You didn't kill the ogre, he ran off.
So, you've barely
pulled yourself together
when you hear trees rustling
in the forest,
accompanied by the intoxicating aroma
of ylang-ylang in your nostrils.
What say you?
Is this brazen wildling girl
a friend or foe?
Calm down, Magister.
I'll use my legendary charisma
to charm this magnificent crea--
My Queen, we found these mongrels
disarming one of our traps.
Their crime calls
for an exemplary punishment.
Castrate these bastards!
I command it!
My Queen, this is all
a terrible misunder--
Silence, male!
No man may address
the mighty Queen Andraxya!
Snip, snip, snip!
No! No!
Do something!
They're gonna cut off my bollocks!
Yes, yes.
A phantasmagoric illusion spell!
I didn't know you had that
in your grimoire.
Yes, sir!
Damn good idea, Louis.
But now you're the one
to make the goddess talk,
and the Amazons better not
catch on to your ruse.
OK, I say…
It is I, your Goddess…
Oh, shit!
Come on! What's her name again?
I'm sure it's here somewhere.
OK! OK, I got it!
I say…
It is I, your Goddess Artemisia!
These men are not your enemies!
Treat them as allies.
As kings!
Treat them as kings!
And fuck them!
And fuck them.
But only if you want to.
Yes, Great Goddess,
your wish is our command.
Maadysha, fetch the amphoras
of our finest mead.
Tonight, we'll hold a feast
in honor of our guests.
And while we wait, Mage,
do me the honor
of granting me a private audience.
Wait, My Queen!
You're bypassing me again?
I take my bag of holding, and I…
Say hello to the eagle's splendor helmet!
Six bonus charisma points!
Come to me, magnificent warrior!
Goddammit, Guillaume!
I did everything!
Don't whine.
There are plenty of Amazons!
Yeah, but I was the one the queen wanted!
Goddammit!
So, how many times do I bang the queen?
Guillaume, we're not 15 anymore.
How many?
Roll a dice.
No, not a D20, a D6.
Six… You bang the queen six times.
It's noon. Let's go eat at the pub.
That's a nice offer, Kim,
but we're in the middle of a round.
We're playing now.
Charles will eat after.
Who does she think she is?
She thinks she can do
whatever she wants?
She ruined our game.
"Until she figures things out!"
She better do it fast.
She judges us.
I wouldn't be surprised
if she didn't want him to play anymore.
Red for me, blue for him.
You're freaking out over nothing.
Charles said she'll probably go home.
No. I'm sure she'll stick
around as long as she can.
We have to make her life hell.
We'll be rude and unruly.
We'll eat her groceries!
She'll end up changing Charles.
They just went out for a beer.
What do you think they're doing?
She's obviously telling him
we're a bad influence.
The guys are a bad influence on you.
What? What are you talking about?
I'm not 8 years old.
- I can take care of myself.
- I don't think you can.
Kim, you just got here.
Can we take it easy, please?
How do you know
she'll want to experiment too?
I don't know.
I just think that if I felt something,
she must have too.
Kim, it was theatre.
If I don't try, I'll never know.
I don't know what your plan is,
but you're headed right for a brick wall.
Hanging around her bar for weeks
won't make her jump your bones.
I've thought of everything.
Hey, Kim! You're back already?
Have you at least sobered up?
I fell in love with the place!
- A couple pints?
- OK!
Bloody Mary for me, virgin.
Hey, Mylène!
Yeah?
What are you up to this weekend?
I don't know. Why?
Well, I was wondering…
I'm hosting a little reunion party
for the girls
from high school drama.
A lot of them are coming.
So if you want to come…
I'd love to come!
That's a great idea.
Good, I'll send you the details.
Are you on Facebook?
Yes! Send them over.
Cool, that's awesome!
No! No, no!
I'll clean up after, I promise.
It'll be spick-and-span.
The guys will have a heart attack.
I'll get in deep shit.
They'll be fine.
No thanks, just one for me.
OK. There are chips on the table too.
Cool, thanks!
I've never felt so not at home,
at home.
You'll survive.
You have a whole pool of chicks
right in front of you.
Just dive in and talk to them.
They didn't talk to us back then,
they won't now.
Yeah, you've changed. You're…
OK, you're the same.
But look, it's never too late
to meet people.
Charles, a girl destroyed our group,
and now you've brought over 12 of them.
Not cool.
Your hot-dog!
It's at the back to your right.
Thanks.
What's going on, Charles?
Nothing.
You invited Paul too?
No, no. Marie-Ève was in Kim's troupe.
I guess he decided to come.
That's bullshit.
Oh no! He's coming. What do we do?
Should we hide?
- Hey, man!
- Hey.
How's it going?
Want a beer?
I wouldn't say no.
OK, cool!
Anyone know what Ms. Dagenais
is doing now?
I'm sure she's still trying to corrupt
innocent young girls.
Like me!
I know you saw the difference in cups.
I was in the catacombs!
Enough about the catacombs!
Come on, Guillaume!
I didn't see anything!
Stop nagging me with that shit.
Guys, can we just have a drink in peace?
We never got to settle things.
We have to stop avoiding the subject.
They weren't even
the same color, Guillaume!
- I came down.
- They weren't the same color!
The witch was between us.
I didn't see!
Can I help you?
Sorry. This is your room?
- Yeah.
- I'm so nosy!
I was just wondering
what all of this is.
It's fine. No worries.
Solange, right?
We didn't talk much in high school.
Well, we were in different grades.
What are you working on?
Don't laugh, OK?
I'm writing a novel.
That's awesome!
- Yeah?
- Super old school.
Hand-written and everything?
Yeah. You know, computers…
What's your novel about?
It's medieval erotica.
It's not often explored
in the fantasy genre.
But I figured with the success of
Game of Thrones and Fifty Shades of Grey,
it might work.
That's so hot!
You think so?
So, that means someday,
one of your novels
might end up in there?
Maybe I should make room now.
Yep.
Jesus, I didn't see anything!
Louis can tell you.
Did you see anything, Louis?
What?
The switch between the normal cup
and the poison one?
Did you see anything?
No. No, I didn't see anything.
Listen, I think it was Charles' fault.
As master,
he does have a history
of dubious choices that nearly kill us.
You're fucking jealous.
You're just fucking jealous
I left with Marie-Ève.
Who remembers their lines?
I don't even think
I knew them on opening night.
You can obviously find them online.
We should do a reading.
I don't know…
Come on, it'll be funny!
It'll be like the good old days!
Stop, you weren't that bad!
Your group avoided us like the plague!
- No, no!
- Yes!
You guys were a bit too timid.
OK!
I'd even say…
I maybe thought you were kind of cute.
What?
You can't tell me that now!
I mean, why was I so shy? Why?
What are you still doing there?
Supervising, to be sure
they don't do anything crazy.
Follow me.
"Prologue."
No, you don't say that part.
"Two households, like…
"both alike in dignity,
"In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
"From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood
makes civil hands unclean."
"From forth the fatal loins
of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers…"
Shouldn't you join them?
I think they're doing the play.
No. I didn't have a lot of lines anyway.
Yeah.
You would have had a bigger role
if you'd done Othello.
Sorry, was that offensive?
A little.
But at least you know your classics.
Yes, thanks.
OK, that's enough.
Let's get them out of here.
The mask of Gouroumil?
Yeah.
So you strip down to your underwear,
put that on
and scream at the top of your lungs.
Whoa, why me?
Because the mask suits you better.
So? I'm not doing it.
It won't scare them.
We have to defend our territory.
Don't be such a sissy.
Goddammit!
I'll show them who's the alpha.
"O, then, dear saint,
let lips do what hands do;
"They pray, grant thou,
lest faith turn to despair."
"Saints do not move,
though grant for prayers’ sake.
"Then move not,
"while my prayer’s effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours,
my sin is purged."
Whoa! What are you doing?
Well, it's the…
What the fuck?
Come on! He can't swim!
I made a fool of myself.
No. You never tried
with a girl before.
Just try a new approach.
Well, I won't try again with Mylène.
You can thank your two trolls for that.
They're not the ones who tried
to kiss her in front of everyone.
Why do you always defend them?
They stopped you
from scoring with Solange too.
They always keep you from scoring,
in everything.
I don't understand
why you insist on staying here.
I can't afford my own apartment.
Well, we could get one together.
What? I'm serious!
I'm gonna start working soon.
We could get a nice two bedroom downtown.
Yeah, living with my sister
or my two best friends?
What a dilemma!
I don't see why it's even a choice.
Come on, watch yourself!
Sorry.
I've never taken care of anyone before.
Maybe we should ask Kim.
Worst idea ever.
Hey, ask Paul to come back too,
while you're at it.
We could restart the party.
She's not that bad.
You've had a crush on her for 15 years.
It's clouding your judgement.
Didn't you notice
she was hitting on a girl tonight?
Kim…
is a lesbian succubus
who doesn't give a shit about you.
Blessed stars! You don't pull any punches,
my friend!
Isn't that a bit much, Louis?
He shouldn't have
tried to touch my wizard wand.
Yeah, but you wasted fireballs!
No weakling shall be spared
a punishment that…
Sorry.
I gotta take this.
What do you want?
Well, hello to you too!
I'm good! Thanks for asking.
Sorry. We're in the middle of a campaign,
and the guys are being annoying.
Did you read the Wizards of the Realms
newsletter this morning?
No, my computer's dead.
They're doing a call for pitches
in three weeks.
You can't miss it!
Seriously?
They want game ideas,
visual concepts, manuscripts.
It's perfect to pitch your novel.
They have offices in Toronto.
I'll drive you. Road trip, man!
Fuck…
Three weeks? I'll never finish in time.
Come on, man!
You can't miss it. Power through.
I gotta go. Bye!
No, Charles…
- What?
- Come on, man, the game!
Yeah, I'm coming.
I read about your work in Haiti.
It's really cool.
It can't have been easy.
Oh no! But that's nothing
compared to our next project.
We're trying to develop
a partnership with Mali to dig wells.
Oh boy! Let's just say
it's a lot of politics.
Well, for me,
as I was saying earlier,
apart from my time in Belgium,
I don't really have
international experience.
In Brussels, I did management
for small community organizations,
but nothing on this scale.
Listen, I like what I'm seeing.
You're exactly the kind of person we want.
Oh yeah? It's just that…
Don't worry about it!
Plus, I'll be the one training you.
Do you trust me?
Well, yeah.
You're quitting?
Yeah.
Now?
To write The Talisman of Pleasure?
Desire. The Talisman of Desire.
Boobs and dragons…
There are no dragons.
I need you. What is this bullshit?
You cut my hours and told me
to find a passion, so I did.
Yeah, but a passion
like birdwatching on the weekends,
not writing stories
about magic swords in vaginas
and quitting your job.
Come on, Charles,
we're already short-staffed!
Maybe if you stop telling employees
they're wasting their time here,
you won't be short-staffed.
Excuse me, miss!
Is this Canada?
It's not bad!
Come on…
I told you not to follow me here.
It seemed like a good idea in my head.
Tom…
What happened,
it wasn't just a phase.
Yeah, I got it, thanks.
But can we at least talk?
Yeah, but whether I like girls or not,
it's over between us.
I could have told you
by phone or text.
You didn't have to cross an ocean.
Well, maybe if you answered my texts…
I know, I'm sorry.
I wasn't ready.
Just tell me you don't
have a girlfriend.
No, no, no.
But not for lack of trying!
It was a total failure,
so I'm still single.
I'm not ready to hear stories
about your hunt for pussy.
After a couple beers.
Let's get your bags inside.
- I don't know.
- I'll buy you a drink.
I don't know, Kim.
As a Belgian,
between drinking what you call beer
or going straight home,
I don't know what's worse.
Honestly…
We have excellent wheat beer, you know.
I'm sure.
Come in, but shush.
Yeah, yeah, shush! You OK?
I'm OK.
I'm not sure I like this room.
You sleep there!
You're making me sleep on the floor
like a dog?
It's that or a hostel.
Now, this is luxury!
My little cabin in Canada!
Five stars on Tripadvisor. Watch out!
I forgot that you can't shut up
when you're loaded.
Hey, Kim?
This is just a thought,
but I'll say it anyway.
OK.
You can tell all your girlfriends here
you have the coolest ex in the world.
Sure.
And that's he's free now!
Yeah…
And that he has a huge dick!
Shut the fuck up!
Go to sleep.
There are a lot of swords.
I know. But the guys are sleeping.
I just don't want them to…
Wanna go walk around town?
Yeah, I'll do that.
I'll let you know when I'm off work.
So, what's the news today?
"Summer festival
victim of its own success.
Artists say not enough local content."
Yeah…
Hey, at the risk of sounding nosy…
I have a question about your sister.
What?
Think she's a bit confused?
It's just that the other night,
she tried to kiss a girl at the party.
And that makes her confused?
No, no.
It's just that last night,
she brought a guy home.
Oh yeah?
I wouldn't call that confused,
just open-minded.
What are you talking about?
First day as accounts payable
and receivable clerk!
So you brought a guy home yesterday?
Are you switching back or what?
You're the rat?
None of your business!
I think it's confused
to bring a French guy home.
Hang on. Did you say he was French?
Well, he had the accent.
Shut up!
Is that true? It's not Tom, is it?
Whatever!
What the fuck? Tom is in town?
Tom is her ex?
Yep.
She's back with her ex,
even though she's into girls now.
What's he doing here?
What do you think?
He came to talk
and settle things properly.
And I'm putting him up
until his flight home.
You're putting him up?
This isn't a hotel!
First off, change your tone.
I'm helping him out!
Don't you ever help people?
Yes, I'm helping someone right now.
And I'm really starting to regret it!
I didn't hide him in my luggage.
He came on his own!
He's not the problem!
I don't give a shit about him!
But it's like Groundhog Day,
the Kim Riopelle version.
"We're back together.
We're not together."
I don't talk like that.
And we're not back together.
It's none of your
goddamn business!
And he's leaving in a couple days.
Where is he now?
He's walking around town
till I get off work
and I've cleared it with you guys.
You were in a real rush to tell us, huh?
You're so fucking confused!
Hey, fuck off, Charles. OK?
Stop saying I'm confused!
I didn't get on a plane and come here
because I didn't know what I want.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
And who are you to be
giving me life lessons?
The dumb game professional
who quit his job to write a book
about magicians in jockstraps,
which you'll never finish,
by the way,
'cause you haven't written
one goddamn line since I got here!
Yeah, it's hard to write
when your sister
won't shut up about
her fucked-up love problems!
Yeah, it's too much to ask
for a brother to support his sister
during a major existential crisis!
OK, calm your tits.
It's a lot of insults from someone
whose whole life plan is shit.
So you're starting work today?
Oh, fuck off.
Fucking center door handle!
Hello?
Hi, Solange! It's Charles.
I hope I'm not bothering you.
No, no.
OK, cool, cool.
You OK?
Yeah, great!
Sorry, I'm super wired right now.
I don't even know what time it is.
It's 4:12 in the morning.
Oh, shit! That means I've been writing
for 12 hours straight.
OK, OK.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. I just wrote four chapters.
It's pouring out of me.
And you may not remember,
but at the party,
I was telling you something was missing
in Chapter 11.
Well, I just figured it out.
All I needed was a tarrasque!
That's what I needed
to attack the characters. A tarrasque!
Hello?
Yeah, I don't know what that is,
but I'm listening.
It's a super powerful monster.
But it changes everything!
And actually, the tarrasque
takes them to the talisman of desire.
Hello?
Charles, you wanna grab a beer tomorrow?
That's such a nice offer,
but I don't know if I can,
because I'm on a roll
and it's like--
OK, listen,
do me a favor
and go check your Magic cards
to see if there's one to make you grow up,
and call me back after, OK?
Bye.
OK…
Our choices are passing through
Giant's Peak or the Arachnid Desert.
Remember what happened last time?
We'll learn from our mistakes.
So this is the Kingdom of Fara-dude.
Now you decide to come see me!
I was starting to think
you were cheap.
How's it going?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I had stuff to sort out
with your sister.
It's fine.
Wow!
Kim said you still played,
but I didn't know it went this far!
Hello, mates.
What's up?
We're playing now.
We'll chat later.
Well, my man.
You seem a bit beat.
What's going on?
Well, I'm busy writing my novel,
but it's really coming along.
Oh, cool!
Charles, the game.
Yeah, we'll keep playing.
So, Tom, we'll talk later?
Can I stay and watch?
I promise not to bother you.
Wanna play? Do you know how it works?
Yeah, I played a lot as a kid,
but I quit when
I started growing pubic hair.
Well, do you guys mind?
It'll take too long to
create a new character from scratch,
so I'll give you a template.
Oh yeah? Who am I?
- A rogue.
- A rogue?
That's no good.
A rogue is very useful.
They detect traps, unlock doors.
Wow, Level 1, heavily armed with a dagger.
That'll get me far.
What do you expect?
It's your first mission.
You start at the bottom.
OK.
Who are you guys?
Gardakan, Level 66 paladin.
Mordak, Level 57 archmage.
Hold up…
The Gs and Ks in your names,
is that to sound more medieval?
How long have you been playing?
- Every week.
- For 18 years.
OK, shall we continue?
Yes, the mission is to infiltrate
the Fortress of Farador,
which is just a few days away on foot.
The guys are in the Blood Forest.
We'll say you've agreed to meet there.
Oh yeah, you'll need a name.
Boba Fett.
That's a Star Wars character.
You can't use it.
So I'll be Foba Bett.
Hey, guys!
Wait for me!
So, you're walking through the clearing,
when suddenly,
you hear strange bird calls.
But they're not really birds.
It's as though you've been spotted
by watchmen sounding the alarm.
OK, so I'll…
Stand back, comrades!
We're in the land of the wild horde.
My sword will swiftly dispatch
these scoundrels!
Bold words, Lord Gardakan!
In the name of
the Sorcerer King of Farador,
surrender!
It is your rotten blood that
shall quench this forsaken land, today!
OK, OK. Let's tally the experience points.
Guillaume and Louis,
you each have 8,400 points.
And, Tom, you have…
44 points for stabbing a wounded guy.
Now let's loot the dead!
Too late. Tom did it
while you were fighting.
So, Tom, you found 12 platinum pieces,
7 gems and 66 gold pieces.
Want me to count the electrum
and indulgence pieces?
What pieces?
Indulgence. You can trade them
for religious favors in a temple.
The priests give blow jobs?
Well, in that case,
I'll throw them in the next stream.
You're not sharing the loot?
You've been playing for 18 years.
Don't tell me you're broke.
Yeah, I didn't think Kim would date
someone so deceitful.
So, you've just wiped out
the wild horde…
Hang on a minute, Gamemaster.
Can I try something?
With my piercing rogue vision,
could I search the bodies further
to see if we missed anything?
Yes. Roll the dice.
You never know.
Lucky roll!
So, Tom, while searching a dead scoundrel,
you find boots of elvenkind
that allow you to move through the forest
without making sound.
That'll come in handy
when you want to backstab a partridge!
OK, you walk all day, when suddenly,
night falls like an ominous veil
over the forest.
You're exhausted.
OK, we set up camp for the night.
We set up camp for the night.
Who takes first watch
so we're not ambushed?
I'll do it. Why not?
I'll take second turn.
So, Louis, you take
the end of the night until morning.
You make a fire.
Foba Bett takes first watch.
You two sleep.
Hour one.
Nothing happens.
Hour two.
Still nothing.
Hour three.
Shift ends. Nothing happened.
What do you do?
What do you mean?
You wake me up! What's with him?
It's his turn to guard.
He can make his own decisions.
Well, I don't know.
The elf things,
the silent boots.
They work?
Yes, you're in the forest.
So I slowly approach Gardakan.
I cut open his bag with my dagger
and swipe his gold.
He can't do that!
You two are sleeping.
You can't speak.
Tom, it won't be easy.
You're attacking a high-level paladin
with sharp senses.
Are you sure?
Roll the agility dice
to see if you succeed.
One! What a moron!
That's the worst number.
Not only do you fail to steal the gold,
you get a clumsiness penalty
making you trip and…
No way!
He was behind you,
so he was at the right angle.
Yeah, but that's gotta hurt!
I must wake up.
True. Roll the dice.
You don't wake up.
Tom, your plan is a total failure,
so you give up, OK?
So, Guillaume,
you wake up
with a gargantuan colorectal pain
and feeling viscous blood
gliding down your thigh.
What the fuck is this?
Lord Gardakan, my word, your posterior
is quite the stubborn sheath.
No fucking way! Motherfucker!
I'll cut your head off, asshole!
I'm doing 12 D8s plus 34 damage.
You're finished, bitch!
Yes! 112 damage points!
You're dead!
Wait. Saving throw.
Wait.
You were struck while sleeping, and…
well, mages don't wear armor.
Nothing I can do, man.
You killed my character!
OK, maybe I should go.
That wasn't cool, man.
You could have stopped me anytime.
You didn't.
Well, I have a few days left here.
I'm gonna go see the country.
- You're not waiting for Kim?
- Nah.
Goodbyes aren't really our thing.
So…
good luck, buddy!
It was an accident, OK?
Of course it was!
How could I have seen that coming?
You're always messing with me!
Hey, fuck!
Don't be like Paul!
Like Paul how?
Saying I killed your character
over a girl!
What girl?
Don't play dumb!
Eighteen fucking years!
I've been your little lap dog
for 18 years!
And the second I get a little freedom…
You're not that free.
My character dies.
We both knew Paul's cup was poison.
But I didn't do anything
'cause you turned me against him.
Yeah, I'm the bad guy!
'Cause you're too much a wimp
to make your own decisions!
A wimp! Oh yeah?
Well, get this. I'm done!
As soon as I can,
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I'll believe it when I see it!
Louis making his own choices!
"It's morning! What should I do?
"I don't know!
Should I paint my little figurines?"
Listen, Mylène…
things got a little weird
at the party.
Hey, it's not the first time
I see some idiot in his underwear.
No, I…
I mean when I tried to kiss you.
I went too far.
Don't worry about it!
We always knew
you were into theatre girls.
Well…
I just figured it out two weeks ago.
It happens.
You just have to meet the right person.
You didn't notice Judith
checking you out?
Big time.
Huh.
He didn't?
He did.
Sorry.
Come on, Kim!
Why did you let him
fuck his ass with a penknife?
I don't know.
It all happened so fast.
What an idiot!
You laugh, but they've worked
on those characters for 18 years.
It's like they killed
their best friend.
Yes, it's the same.
Stop laughing!
Sorry, but it's hard
to take it seriously.
Well, I'm taking it seriously.
Can't you see I'm closed?
You could at least be polite.
I'm not a dog!
Think I don't see you laughing at us?
Would it be so hard to just be nice?
Tell it to your rude friend.
No other customer treats me so shitty.
What's his problem, anyway?
I don't know.
He can be rough with people.
Yeah, well, you have to give respect
to get respect.
You can be rude to him,
but not to me.
How am I supposed to be nice
with that loser always next to you?
I understand.
But he's not here now.
Solange!
I'm bad with girls, OK?
I lost my virginity to a Magic Bag.
- What?
- I mean, not literally.
But I obviously don't know
how to talk to you, or when.
OK, Charles, this isn't a good time.
Yeah, but I really wanted to see you.
I wanted to make up for last time
and say that we should go get that beer!
OK! Cool.
Now go.
As in, "Yes, let's go get…"
Go!
Or I'll call security.
OK, I'm going. Bye.
Thanks.
So…
I started reading
The Talisman of Desire.
And it's pretty good.
I swear.
Well, thanks.
I was stuck until I realized
I needed a tarrasque.
After that, I started writing
and it just came out.
- And at the end…
- Hey, no spoilers.
You know, I don't agree with what Tom did.
But without knowing it,
he did me a favor.
Ending the game allowed me to write.
What is it?
I know you. You're hiding something.
- No!
- Yes!
No, I was just thinking
about my date tomorrow.
- OK.
- With Judith.
Judith, your boss?
Shit!
Were you spying on us?
Spying on you?
Like you're so interesting!
You OK?
Yeah.
Guys…
I'm sorry about what Tom did.
It wasn't cool.
You can apologize, but…
it won't bring back his character.
I know, and he should have known
it wasn't OK to…
to…
to disturb your slumber.
Yeah.
Maybe it was just an accident.
Of course it was.
We were singing folk songs
around the fire, and zip!
His dagger just happened to
stab my character.
Have you read Charles's book?
Well, it's really good.
And he'll sell enough of them
to get a great apartment downtown.
An apartment?
What is she talking about?
You can't leave us!
Kim, what is this?
Don't you see?
They're acting like babies!
Grow up!
You've been wasting away here
for too long.
OK, enough!
I'll do what I want!
We've been doing what you want
for 18 years.
But we never got to fucking Farador.
You owe it to us
to finish before leaving.
Yeah.
We're restarting the game,
to just before her ex showed up.
Charles, you have a pitch to prepare.
You have to sell your book in Toronto.
Relax, Kim. That's going fine.
The guys are right.
They're my friends.
I can't leave them hanging.
So if you want, Louis,
you can come back with a new character.
Level 1, no weapons, nothing.
That's not worth it.
OK. Yes.
You're getting played.
No, it's all under control.
But I'm telling you,
the game ends tonight.
Starting tomorrow,
I have to get ready for my trip.
We've been playing Farador
for 18 years.
How are we gonna just finish
without botching it?
It'll be fine.
But you'll need help.
- Kim will play too.
- What?
- What? No.
-That's my condition.
Why would I do that?
Listen, since you asked Tom
to fuck up the game…
What?
…you've gotta clean up your mess
and help the guys.
Think I didn't catch on
to your little shenanigans, Kim?
I know you were trying to help me,
and it worked.
But it was also to piss them off.
Kim, that's not cool.
I think you should apologize.
No way we're playing with her.
She'll try to kill our characters.
She won't try to kill your characters.
She'll help you
to gain forgiveness.
Right?
Fuck that!
Kim, it's high time you learned about
the passion I've had
since I was a teenager,
the thing that allowed me
to meet my best friends
and helped me write my book!
THE DRUNKEN DWARF
Colostromo, a round!
Let me, brave man.
Are you lost, stranger?
You're Sorcerer Farador's royal guard?
What do you want, little man?
I must meet your liege.
His head begs to be separated
from the rest of his body,
and I intend to fulfil that request.
I'm gonna kill him.
Get rid of this peasant!
Now you're really in trouble!
Ta-da!
Kimala and Mardok arrive!
You named your new character Mardok?
Yeah! He's Mordak's twin brother.
Yes! Yes!
A secret twin brother is the best!
What do you do?
WTF? You're a bard?
Why not? It's a new character.
Might as well try something new!
Bards suck!
Mr. Paladin, you were…
But now I…
What is this, Charles?
Well, he saved my life.
I have to reward him!
Yeah, but I did everything!
Yeah, but musicians have, like,
100 extra charisma points with chicks.
Yeah, and if we were backstage
at one of his shows,
I probably would have given him
a little treat.
Come on, can we keep playing?
When we're done making out.
My word, Lord Gardakan!
You're injured!
Sorry I'm late.
What are you doing here?
I invited him.
I figured we'd need a good cleric.
A doctor.
We said we'd never play with him again.
No, you decided that.
I didn't decide anything!
Louis, it's fine.
No!
Paul has played from the start.
He's gotta play to the end.
Would you rather stop now?
OK, I think we can restart.
No.
This isn't fun anymore.
Things were good
before everyone got on my case.
Now your sister is playing.
Paul's dead character is back.
And you're plotting against me!
Guillaume, no one is against…
It's fine.
Let's finish the fucking game.
So, Rhogol the cleric
has come to the rescue.
But to enter the Castle of Farador,
you must find the three keys
to the Amarlagloth door!
It's up to you.
You got it! Good job!
OK, watch out!
OK, it's good.
Yeah, write it.
Yeah, I'm writing it.
"We're taking the mountain pass."
OK, finally!
It took 18 years to get here!
I got a half boner.
Careful!
The door opens slowly
with a creak
that could wake a mountain titan.
You find yourselves in the castle's yard,
despite the esoteric protests
of your survival instincts.
So, you're, uh…
Yes, it is me,
the powerful Sorcerer King Farador!
Who dares disturb
my despotic reign of terror?
This audacity will cost you
your pitiful lives!
I, Gardakan, and my brave comrades
are here to extinguish the flame
of your despicable world domination!
Get ready to die,
you miserable scoundrel!
Run!
Seriously? It's that strong, a…
A sharkgon: half-dragon, half-shark.
It's the most powerful monster.
12,000 hit points,
impenetrable titanium scales,
nine rows of teeth.
OK. Guillaume is the strongest.
So our best bet would be
to have Guillaume take on Farador alone
while we create a diversion
for the sharkgon.
Won't work. The sharkgon
is only going after Guillaume.
Why only me?
Because of your, uh…
injury from the last game,
some areas got irritated.
And since you're running,
it creates friction,
creating tiny fissures.
And being half-shark,
the sharkgon is attracted
to the scent of blood.
Wow! You came up with all that?
A good master must consider every detail.
OK, well, we have no choice.
We attack Farador!
Roll the dice.
That's what you get
for defying the powerful Farador!
No!
Ah, shoot! It's over.
But where is the lesbian elf?
Did you see?
Did you see how I blocked the sword?
Ching, ching!
Valiant paladin, save your strength.
Thank you, friends.
I didn't deserve your indulgence.
I carelessly put our friendship in danger.
I was afraid you'd leave me all alone.
I was jealous of your happiness.
No need to say more.
All is forgiven.
I didn't deserve such loyal comrades.
You did good, big brother.