Fantozzi Against the Wind (1980) - full transcript

This is the headquarters of an Italian
"mega-company" of the 1980s.

The country's crisis and
the skyrocketing devaluation...

.. have finally generated,
in the clerical class...

.. a new, incredible,
morbid attachment to work.

8, 7, 6, 5,
4, 3, 2, 1.

Lift the sheets.

Arrighi... Genovesi...
Azzarita... Attanasio...

Pantesi... Badalamenti...

Fantappiè...

Fanteri... Castellazzi...
Mrs Fantini Borghesio...

Cruciani.



- Good night.
- Good night, see you tomorrow.

Fantozzi!

How are you doing, accountant?
Are you all right?

Wait...

It works! I only have a
slight discomfort in my knees.

- Here, good woman.
- But, Ugo, I'm your wife!

Sorry, Pina,
I didn't recognize you.

I was joking!

Why did you come?

We haven't been to the cinema
or window-shopping in a long time.

Have you gone crazy? Come on,
let's go home, get in.

Hurry, come on. I'll miss it all.

Come on, come on, quick.

Every evening, the whole city,
like Fantozzi...



... had the same
frantic urge to go home!

A free spot! It's
mine! It's mine!

- Excuse me, I'm in a hurry.
- Hello, how are you?

- I'll just walk over your car.
- No problem!

- See you tomorrow.
- Goodbye.

Make way! Pina, the keys!
Damn! The keys!

Come on!

- Excuse me, lady!
- How rude!

The keys! Holy shit!
Give me these keys!

Why didn't you hand me the one
I need? Where is it?

Why don't you tag it or something!
Or paint it!

- It's Mariangela, our daughter.
- I was kidding!

I did it to amuse the little one.

Careful, I waxed the floor!

You could have warned me!

Where is that thing?
I need that thing!

It was here!
It's always been here!

There it is!

Fantozzi, like so many
other unfortunate people...

... had been taken over by a deadly
new enemy: the remote control.

He had become, like everyone else,
a remote control addict.

During a chilling
withdrawal crisis...

... he had set the new
condominium record.

380 channel changes
in 26 seconds sharp.

- I'LL THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!
- I'LL KILL YOU!

I CHOOSE DEATH!

- Should I bring it back?
- No, give it to me!

At a certain time of the night,
families retreat in defeat!

It's time for "Super Porno Show",
"Forbidden", "Whoroscope".

Out of my way!

Wait...

I'll put it here for you!

Open here...

Come on, come on,
I'll give you a hand.

Take off your panties!

UGO?!

Pina, I wouldn't want you to
think that this young lady and I...

Oh, God, who's this?

As you see, I was saying the evening
prayers with this priest.

I've been watching him the past few days,
he says some very interesting things.

This priest really works miracles,
Pina!

Pina, this evening I feel
a strange fire inside.

Let's go to bed, I'll split you up
like an apple!

- Yes!
- No, don't do that.

She's not changing...

Holy shit...

The yearly skiing holiday was one of
the most tragic obligatory events...

... for Fantozzi and his colleagues.

Prudently, this time they had
signed up in September.

But their turn had come in
mid-May of the following year.

It was almost the beginning of summer.

- Hasn't Fantozzi shown up yet? - No.
- He's an asshole.

- I wish he didn't come, more room for us.
- But he paid...

- There he is.
- Where is he?

- So, gentlemen, hop on!
- Here we go. - Let's go, finally!

Slowly, one at a time,
Don't do like we always do.

- Come on, "Puccettone".
- Is he deaf?

- Excuse me, where are the bunks?
- Over there. - Where?

We're here!

Sir, come on, get on the train.
We're leaving.

- My mates are on the other side.
- Join them on the train.

- Be careful with my skis.
- Don't worry.

The helmet is very
heavy. I'll throw it in.

I'm sorry, but I have
lost sensation in my feet.

Finally!

- Fantozzi, where have you been?
- I'll tell you later.

Be careful. Careful!

- I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose.
- Slowly...

Sorry.

"Puccettone", we've already
been to the restaurant car.

- I'll go there now, I'm terribly hungry.
- It's closed now.

- Closed?! - Yes.
- There is a station, I'm saved!

- Can you give me a basket, please?
- Right away, sir. - How much it is?

- 9,000 lire.
- Wait.

- Do you have change for 50,000?
- Sure. - Thanks.

Will you give me the change?
I'm worried the train will leave.

Come on!

The train is leaving!
Give it to me!

He did...

10 to you, 10 to me,
10 to you and 20 to me.

For 50,000 lire, he
bought: a plastic fork...

... a plastic knife,
plastic toothpick...

... a chicken wing...

...made of plastic.

And an apple with
a worm in it.

Where are your manners?
Accountant!

Let me through,
move your foot.

What a pain!

It is really comfortable
here. I'll take off these boots!

Sleep peacefully, I'll wake you up
half an hour before Ortisei.

There was little to be peaceful about.

Filini was a competition sleeper.

But even more fearsome,
was Surveyor Calboni...

... because of a digestive
disorder he had.

The air immediately became unbreathable.

My god, this smell! Why don't you go
to the toilet instead of stinking us up?

Me?! You've always bragged
about having competed in...

Me?!

Listen, Fantozzi, we can't breathe
here any more.

- Go vent your air outside of here.
- You are wrong.

- Go outside.
- This is a misunderstanding!

- Do us a favor, get out. - Go.
- Calboni has always bragged...

You should've taken
a single bunk. Disgusting!

We can't stand this.

- You're such a pig.
- What are you talking about? Calboni!

There are 6 of us breathing,
and he plagues us with his gas.

Fantozzi was readmitted to
the group only the next morning...

... when they made the
transfer to the Val Gardena train.

Ortisei, Ortisei station.

On the first local track from Chiusa.

Snow, here we come!

Hop off!

Excuse me, Filini, where is the snow?

Didn't you read the sign? Ortisei.
There is always snow in Ortisei.

The bus will take us
to the snow in a minute.

- The Filini organization is
always perfect. - "Filini bitte!"

- Who is it? - It's him.
- Allow me, Accountant Silvio Filini.

- (German accent) You come from Italy.
- Aren't we in Italy here?

Yes, didn't you know of our arrival?

Sure, but with you Italians
we can never be sure of anything.

Take position!

Excuse me, professor, a question. Do
you know where we can find snow?

- Don't ask stupid questions.
- Accountant...

(German accent) Snow
does not wait for Italians.

Instead of snow, You'll have
alternative, intelligent holidays.

You can go to rock climbing school...

... or South Tyrolean folklore,
or slimming treatment in our clinic.

You Italian Mafiosi,
always eating spaghetti!

- Excuse me, where can we ski?
- No skiing!

Italian, don't be capricious.
Alternative holidays, I said.

After a horrible night,
spent deciding on alternative holidays...

... the group split according
to taste and trends.

Calboni, Colzi and Filini
opted for rock climbing school.

Where do I hold on?

Calboni was imprudently
selected as the leader.

I'm sorry!

Fantozzi, who had promised
Pina to lose 5 kilos by skiing...

... decided on
alternative weight loss.

He was admitted to the
very modern local clinic...

... to follow Professor
Bircher-Mayer's famous diet.

11.

182.

It's very nice here.
It's cheerful, I like it.

What...

Hungry... A piece of bread...

Where are you taking me?

Hello again, Professor Bircher.

(German accent)
Welcome to your new home.

- Thank you, Professor Bircher.
- Bircher-Mayer!

Excuse me, professor,
what is the diet here?

Nothing. 20 days
of absolute fasting.

- No eating, no drinking.
- What?

Excuse me, Professor Bircher-Mayer,
what is the toilet for, then?

On the sixth day of treatment,
Fantozzi was exhausted.

Hey, you, "mafia, spaghetti,
black mustache", how are you?

Fine, professor.

- When was the last time you ate spaghetti?
- I... don't remember anymore.

- 6 days. - Yes.
- "Very good".

To do a good treatment,
it takes great willpower.

- Okay, professor.
- And for those who don't have the will...

Look.

To develop willpower...

... I invite one of your comrades
to my dinner every evening.

I eat, he watches.

If they touch the food... "kaput"!

He didn't resist.

He stole and ate a small crumb
of bread from my tablecloth.

Yes, but... well...

Would you like to be my guest tonight?

Thank you, but I have an
engagement with an aunt of mine.

- Write his name.
- What? No, look...

Come in.

- Professor?
- Come, come!

Sit!

Please, sit down!

Here!

Where did you sit?

Where you told me.

- Here.
- You told me...

Here. Here.

- What do we have tonight?
- What's good?

Meatballs of Bavaria.

Heart of potatoes, flour, aroma...

Too bad you can't eat.

Four types of meat,
ham, cheese, eggs...

Remember your comrade who ate?

A little.

Tender. It melts in your mouth.

Look.

One bite, one meatball.

A meatball, a glass of wi...

... wine from the Rh...

... the Rhine Valley.

Wine from th...

... Rhine valley.

- You are eating!
- No!

Nurses! Nurses!
He's eating everything!

(TV) Italy - Argentina, it's the rematch
of the World Championship.

A month later, all the sets
were tuned to a single channel.

A tape-delayed broadcast of the umpteenth
match between Italy and Argentina.

Fantozzi was already
on the front line.

Armchair, TV tray,
flannel robe...

... spaghetti on the stove,
a large, ice-cold beer... free burping.

Let's hope for the best, damn it.
Pina, I want them al dente.

If Bettega grabs the ball, they're
screwed! Cabrini, too.

Cabrini, Causio with his tricks.

Benetti's playing midfield.
He's a beast.

This is a lot! Well, today's the last time.
Tomorrow, I will go on a diet.

- What's this smell?
- It's my new perfume. "Temptation".

New perfume? You've never
worn perfume your whole life!

- You have to start somewhere.
- What? Have you gone stupid?

- Careful now, he'll shoot!
- Didn't you consume liters of lavender...

... when you used to go out
all the time?

Look how you've
gotten yourself up!

I went to the hairdresser for two
hours for this hairstyle. All right?

Then go and rough your hair up. You don't
even look like a human being. Go!

What is he doing? He's crazy.

- I have to tell you something important.
- Don't tell me the result!

It's much more important.

- (TV) Penalty kick against Italy.
- At least for us.

(TV) It could be the
turning point of the game.

- Ugo, please, it's really important.
- Penalty against Italy.

Ugo, you can't imagine
how important this is.

- Ugo, I want...
- He shoots... Saved!

Saved!

And now listen.

- It's really important, Ugo.
- I'll give you 20 seconds.

I fell in love with another man.

Good, now you said it.
Go now, there's a game.

Causio stops, Causio tunnels!
Ha! Assholes!

At the 21st minute of the second half,
Fantozzi finally realized.

And you tell me like that?
Holy shit...

You fell in love with someone else?

Pina, look, I'll kill you.

What are you doing there?
Actually, I'll kill you both.

You know what I'll do?
I'll kill myself. So you're screwed.

I should see how you can
sustain yourselves without...

Pina, call an ambulance,

I stabbed myself with a fork.

No, Ugo, there's no use
being dramatic to impress me.

I love him.

I think our story has run
its course.

Careful, I've already separated the beds!

Fantozzi argued
with his wife all night.

Eventually, he decided to keep
his demeanor calm and civil.

Everyone will find out
and take the piss out of me.

I will have to change neighborhoods,
cities, friends.

- Cuckold! - How do you know?
- I just know!

- Good morning, dear Fantozzi,
how are you? - Very well.

Let's hope fortune stays
faithful to us!

Look, if you feel like teasing,
this not the day. Clear?

What's wrong with you?
What happened?

"Puccettone", let's go for a cappuccino.
Will you buy me a croissant?

- A thumbtack!
- What an asshole!

I'm not buying anything,
okay? Eat your own horns!

- What's wrong with him?
- He's nervous. Let's go. - Certainly.

Hello, Pina. Look, the news has already
made the rounds.

Everyone in the office
already knows.

Tell me who it is. Pina,
don't piss me off.

I want to know who your lover is.

Pina, look, I'll go to HR
and I'll quit. You'll be screwed...

Hello? Pina! Pina! Holy sh...

Fantozzi decided
to find out for himself.

- Ugo, I'm going out.
- Are you coming back?

I'm just going grocery shopping.

He took a day off,
waited for Pina to leave...

... and started rummaging
around the house for any small clue.

A letter, a photograph.

At this point, he was struck
with a slight suspicion.

BAKERY

- Take this, blondie!
- And half a kilo of sugar, please.

You remind me of Donatella "Erezione",
"Splendido splendente...".

Good morning. You had your hair done
"double face" style.

Beautiful lady, what can I get you today?
A couple of buns? Or a whole baguette?

That's three kilos,
I'll stick it into the bag.

Look, come back in the afternoon.
I'll prepare a special roll just for you.

- Bread for your teeth.
- I'll be back in the afternoon, then.

Is 5:00 okay?

My "special roll" is always
here for you.

# I am diabolical in intercourse... #

# .. disproportionate with regards
to the size of sex... #

# ..and if I find the right woman... #

It was Cecco,
the grandson of the baker downstairs.

He was a hideous
pock-ridden 26 year-old.

He had a very low ass, and
a chilling Calcutta-sewer-type breath.

Dad, don't you watch
television anymore?

- I'm tired of life now. - Are you smoking?
- Yes, and I also drink.

- What is that? - A lower front tooth.
- Where's Mommy?

Mommy must have gone
out to buy some bread.

My darling,
sit next to your father.

See, love, now you are gr...
you are grown up.

Mommy is good as bread. If she
leaves us, what will become of us?

Don't worry, we'll be together
for life. Just you and me.

When the pain became unbearable,
he decided to end it all.

# I am violent with women... #

# .. disproportionate with regards
to the size of sex... #

# ..and if I find the right woman... #

Oh, my God, he'll kill him!

I sing, I sing because
I am a gentleman.

I have no rivals.

Can I talk to you, man to man?

You are accountable to me.

You are accountable to me.

- My uncle "Antunello" takes care
of the accounts. - All right.

- Forgive me, doctor, I would like to...
- Who are you?

Me? I'm Accountant Fantozzi.
Husband of Mrs. Pina Fantozzi.

They're the ones who owe us
700,000 lire.

What do you do with all that bread?

Ask your nephew.
He's harassing my lady.

- Which lady?
- My wife. - Your wife?

Oh! You're the monster collector.

You have that small monster,
and the slightly taller monster.

You must be so happy to have
completed such a nice collection.

Bravo, everyone here
is talking about you.

When you get in the building,
people go "Fantozzi, Fantozzi..."

We thought your lady
worked at the Circus.

The only thing you can do
is take a nice trip to Lourdes.

Take a bath in the pool
and wait for the miracle.

- So you're not taking her away?
- Take her away?

The only ones who can take her
away are the garbage men!

It's your only chance. You know,
fate was really cruel with you!

Thank you. Thank you!
So you won't...

You're my witness, right?
He won't take her away from me.

What the fuck are you
talking about?

They haven't understood who
you are. Do you have a photo?

- Show us a picture of the monster.
- My wife?

Yes, let these people
have some fun.

They never have fun.

Here. We took this
in Riccione.

You know what this is?
The synthesis of misfortune.

The apotheosis of crap.

Have yourself a laugh, guys.
You never laugh. Here.

Please give me the photo.

Since your wife likes
baguettes so much...

... Give her this one, too.

You know what? You don't understand
anything about women.

Because mine is beautiful.

And you know what? I will never
buy your bread again.

- "Fantozzo"?
- Yes?

Thanks.

I talked to that young man.

It was a very civil conversation.

We had an exchange of views
and he was really understanding.

Poor guy, he's madly in love.
He's crazy about you.

He finds you a beautiful woman,
very sexy.

All of his friends
especially liked you.

They find you extraordinary.

But he is...

He would be willing to give up.

He doesn't want to ruin a family.

But, of course,
the final decision is up to you.

What will you do?

I already decided. I'll stay with you,
because I respect you very much.

Yes, but... don't you love me?

Help me put the beds together,
the big sheet is in the closet.

Pina, I'm happy because I
understand that it's all over.

That morning felt
like any other.

Instead, the austere secretary
of the hereditary director...

... walked out of her
office with sad news.

Hurray! They called, it's true!

The hereditary director
has rubella!

The hereditary director
was 106 years old.

That childhood disease
could be fatal to him.

The clerks received the
news with composed grief.

Fantozzi thought that this occasion
should be helped by any means.

- Yes.
- Good morning, Father.

- Please, son.
- I'd like to have a mass said.

For or against someone?

- Against. - Then it costs triple:
30,000, 50,000 if sung.

- Sung.
- You hate him a lot, son.

After that private initiative,
other collective ones followed.

Huge rosary praying
sessions in the dining room.

They were heard!

Fantozzi came to the
funeral in total mourning.

Forgive me, madam,
did you by chance see a funeral...

I understand your pain,
please let go of my arm.

- Who will take the coffin?
- I will. - I will, too.

- Accountant? Did he have a husband?
- Who? - The Count. Look at the crown.

I don't know,
please inquire.

- Excuse me, is this Count
Vignardelli Bava's funeral? - No.

This is Mrs. Ricci.

- We went to the wrong funeral.
- Why?

This is Mrs. Ricci.

- But... this is Mrs. Ricci, isn't it?
- No. It's Lieutenant Gambardella.

Lieutenant Gambardella?

Here.

- Excuse me, lady, I'd like to know...
- No, look out!

Leave me, lady.

What are you doing?

Hey, where are you?

- Filini.
- Here I am.

- Let's run, she's very dangerous.
- I'm coming.

Fantozzi and Filini reached
the correct funeral monstrously late.

And in front of this
stone of pure gold...

... forged by the fusion
of the wedding rings...

... that you spontaneously donated,
you faithful employees...

... according to the will of
the illustrious deceased...

... I announce the
name of his successor.

Your new total
director will be:...

Will be...

Will be...

Dr. Eng. Gr. Scoundr.
of Gr. Cross, Viscount Cobram.

Viscount Cobram was
the most feared name.

As a young man he had been
a mediocre amateur cyclist.

He entered the company
ranks at 18...

... he had made his way by kissing ass
and spying for the powerful.

Now, having reached power...

... he wanted all his employees
to tragically practice cycling.

Cycling is a healthy
sport for everyone.

It fights old age and disease.

But, above all, it gives you great
clarity and efficiency at work.

What about Tennis?

- Sucks. - Lady stuff.
- Stuff for queers.

- And soccer?
- Well, soccer... - What?

- It sucks. Makes me puke.
- Yes, yes.

Well, I also want to tell you...

... that employees who come to
the office by car make me sick...

... in the evening, they run to lock
themselves up in those cans of sardines...

... instead of having
a nice ride out of town.

- You! - Me?
- No, you, back there.

Are you speaking to me?
Didn't you want to talk to him?

Me! All right.

Piemontesi came third at
the Milan-Sanremo of 1931...

... Guerra came second.
Who was first?

First... Carrera.

What are lead seals for?

Lead seals are used...
when water...

- I don't remember anymore.
- You don't remember anymore!

It seems to me... perhaps
one could speculate...

... that lead seals
are bad for you.

For example, when you say:
"His seals are made of lead".

That's when a swarm of bees...

No, they're a regional dish
from Abruzzo.

A regional dish from Abruzzo ?!

Let's hear an answer
from...

Let's hear Mr...
Everyone, stop!

Lead seals are used to mark bikes
to assign race numbers!

Things will change here.
You have no idea what awaits you.

You're a damn spineless bunch!

Out!

Unfortunately, they did have
an idea of ​​what was awaiting them.

They must either improvise
as cyclists, or get screwed.

Let's go, let's go.

Stop!

- Ready?
- Yes.

Our own Martano and the
Spaniard Trueba sure had a nice duel...

... back in the August of '34.
- It was actually June.

June '34, sorry, I was wrong.

It was June. Trueba,
also known as "the Pyrenean Flea"!

Where will we ride to
tonight?

- Shall we do a tour of the lakes?
- No, let's tour the 7 hills.

No, let's go have dinner
at my aunt's, in Pinerolo.

- Then we'll ride back overnight.
- That's 1200 km!

- What's 1200 km to us?
- Nothing.

So, gentlemen,
onward to Pinerolo!

- Pinerolo!
- Onward!

- Accountant, where did you put your car?
- Behind the corner.

- Then let's go take this trip.
- To Pinerolo. - Yup.

- Let's go to Pinerolo.
- He believed it!

For Cobram...

Here's our ride for you!

- Our ride! - Here, here, here!
- Let's go home.

Stop!

- Here, here...
- 1, 2. 1, 2...

1, 2, 3, 4.

Let's go step by step,
20 km will be enough for a start.

Hop on!

Hop on! Running start!

One moment! One moment!

Mr. Dog, wait.

"The devil isn't as bad
as you paint him," is he?

Yes, I knocked down 20km
like a glass of water.

I feel my muscles
loosening...

Good evening, accountant.

Three hours later,
Fantozzi also had some difficulty moving.

Pina, help me.
I can't reach the handle!

I have something
wrong with my joints.

The next day, a platoon of
super-mutilated men entered the mess hall.

They were the tragic participants
in the previous night's training.

- Give me some meat. - Cutlery.
- Don't they have meat?

- I don't know. Here's the potatoes.
- But I wanted meat.

- Wine.
- Wine? - Yes please.

Wine!

Thanks.

- I'd like some fruit.
- No fruit, you already got potatoes.

- Bread, at least.
- All right. Here is the bread.

Attention!

I have great news to give you.

In 15 days, on Sunday
the 28th of July...

... I will hold the first "Cobram Cup"
bicycle race for all employees.

The route will be 40 km.

50?

Very well.

- Something wrong?
- No, that's fine, in fact it's not much!

- 55?
- 60. - 70!

You are all requested
to sign up!

Please, you.
Get on with the workouts!

The night before the fateful day...

... Fantozzi and Filini made a
miserable and desperate attempt.

- Are you ready, accountant?
- No, I'd like to withdraw.

- So you want to compete?
- No, please!

It's super easy.
You just have to read this.

I'll give you an idea of how
you'll have to do it. Pay attention.

Hello? Viscount Cobram?
Mask your voice, though.

- I'm illustrious physician Dr.
Bergman-Valadier... - That would be me.

I visited your employees,
accountants Filini and Fantozzi...

... I diagnosed both of them
with Menier's syndrome.

Therefore, I advise against,
indeed I forbid them...

... to participate in
your sporting initiative.

If not, I'll decline all responsibility.
Thanks and good evening.

- It's that easy.
- But you didn't dial the number...

- Do you want to compete in the cup?
- No. - Well then, come on!

Let's mask your voice: clothespin.

Potato. Open your mouth.

Funnel... hold it.

Towel. Towel covering.

And now...

... let's tighten this.

Can you breathe?

This is the copper basin, this
is the text. I don't understand you.

- Should I do a Swedish accent?
- Can you do it? - Eh! - Do it.

I'll dial the number. Here.

3, 4, 7, 8... 1

In the basin! Swedish.

- Hello!
- Fantozzi, is that you?

You happy? See?
You ruined everything for me.

Swedish accent...

I do not understand.

- I feel like throwing up.
- Huh, imagine that.

I would like to give one last kiss...

To the baboon-- to the ape--
what's her name?

- Mariangela, my daughter.
- Go. Go. - Thanks.

Here she is, my angel.

Goodbye, honey!

Bravo! Bravo!

"Bomb", I have some "bomb",
the good stuff.

"Bomb"? I have the "bomb".
Strong stuff, the good stuff.

Here, look how pretty it is.

- What's inside? - Metadrine,
Simpamine, Aspirin, "Franceschine".

Want some? 100,000 lire!

Okay, okay.

Here. This'll make you finish first.

- Bravo!
- Bravo!

- Attention, get ready.
- My tributes, Mr. Duke.

Athletes, get on your bike!

- Look, there is an ambulance.
- Sure, just in case.

Hey, "Puccettone"!
You're running the cup, huh?

What happened, did you hurt yourself?

I'm not an asshole like you.

I got myself a multiple
bilateral fracture.

They assigned me
to supplies.

- Why is this here?
- You never know.

- If it happens, I'll let your wife know.
- I'd like to avoid that.

Attention!

There are 10 seconds to go.

- Careful.
- Careful.

Get up, you morons! You softies!

Get them up!

Get on them.

See? You can get up.
Good! Let's go!

On the climb of Viale De Amicis,
later named "Devil's Peak"...

... they met the inevitable
and terrifying storm...

... present in every
Mountain Grand Prix.

In the epicenter:
50 degrees below zero.

Surveyor Belli, who looked
like a sea bream, got lost in the fog.

He was sold in chunks
in a local supermarket.

And... 4.

- Accountant, are you sprinting?
- NO! MY BRAKES BROKE!

Help!

What's wrong? Congrats! Where's the
groom? It doesn't matter, let's sing.

# What do we care
if things go wrong... #

There's dad. You see? He's still alive!

At the 2nd lap up Devil's Peak, they
were taken by slight fatigue symptoms.

Asphyxiation, "balled" eyes...

... cardiac arrests...

... "plush" tongues ​​...

... Northern lights, mirages.

Dehydrated, Fantozzi thought
he'd fallen victim to a hallucination.

What... Damn it!

Where... ah, here!

Will you get on?

No. Later, later.

Good day!

On the second pass into the storm,
a fan was moved with compassion.

Oh God! I can't see!

Stop! Stop!

Can I introduce you to
surveyor Vannini?

Sing with us!

A few survivors reached
the coveted resupply station!

- Give me.
- Here.

On the fly, Pina, on the fly!

To me, to me, to me!

The Cobram Cup had now
become an elimination competition.

There were only two left.

They had to contend for the
final victory by any means...

... even the most unfair!

Go slower! I beg you!

Accountant!

Who is it?

Allow me, This is
accountant Colzi. Let's sing.

SOLD OUT

At the end of July...

... Fantozzi had been mysteriously
summoned, together with Filini...

... by the Magistral Director Duke
Count Pier Matteo Barambani.

For the occasion,
he wore a new parade suit...

... and had decided to
take an invigorating coffee.

- Holy shit! - Calm down!
- It always eats my money!

Calm down, Fantozzi,
just push here... and here's your coffee.

Be careful with that coffee,
I have a new suit.

- May I? I have a new suit.
- New suit?

Yes, I have to meet Barambani.

- It's empty! You got scared, eh?
"Puccettone"! - What a bad joke!

I'm going to drink my coffee there.
Yeah, assholes, laugh away.

I have to meet Barambani!
If he sees me with a stain...

- Is Fantozzi here?
- He was here! - No!

- Is Fantozzi here?
- He was there! - No!

- He's never there when you need him.
- Calboni!

Hey, "Puccettone", what are you
doing? They were looking for you.

I said I'd to go to the corner
to drink my coffee...

- So, have you seen him?
- No, you? - No!

Accountant Fantozzi, finally.

Sorry for the delay,
but I had a curious accident with a coffee.

- Never mind. Why did they call us?
- I don't know. Do you?

- Me neither.
- Go. Over there.

Let's hope for the best.

After you!

- What are you doing?
- I thought you wanted to dance.

Excuse me.

Gr. Thif. Scoundr. Scumb. Murdr.
S. of a B. Marquis Count Barambani.

Dear "Bambacci", dear "Follini"...

Fantozzi and Filini.

What are you doing next weekend?

We were thinking of spending it here,
doing some overtime.

I own a boat,
it cost me a billion...

... but I'm also a democrat.

- My family is you, poor people.
- What?

You wretches... You
inferiors. This is the right word.

My loved inferior ones.

Because I love beggars very much.

Would you like to be my
guests on my little boat?

He would, and I would too, of course.

Very well, then go ahead and
get the fu-- you're excused!

Thanks again, Marquis Duke Count,
thanks for your preference.

Let's go, accountant.

Careful!

- Damn, Fantozzi, what did you do?
- I didn't see him.

- Poor thing. - He hurt himself.
- (in English) I don't understand.

- He's English. Do you speak English?
- I do.

- Ask him if he's hurt.
- What should I say?

- "Are you hurt?"
- (in English) What time it is?

- (in English) Fuck off!
- What did he say? - He's fine.

- The boat, where is the boat?
- There it is.

Dearest, dearest inferiors,
welcome.

- Good morning, Duke Marquis.
- Good morning, Mr. Admiral.

- Do we have to use the catwalk?
- Yes, please.

- Get on.
- No, after you!

- No. After you, please.
- Get in, don't be afraid.

I am a total rookie.

Accountant, what did you do?

I went in like this...
You see?

- You're leaking water.
- What are you doing, "Sbarbozzi"?

- I wanted to freshen up.
- Good for you. Come on, get on board.

- After you.
- But I... Maybe I'd like not to...

No, huh? Wait,
I'll be more careful.

Come, come!

I don't feel very safe.

Here, one more step. Very good!

Come on, Filini, I did it!

- Yahoo!
- Holy shit!

Excuse me, I wouldn't want you to think
I'm physically attracted to you.

And here, dear poor people,
this is the bow.

I showed you my boat,
my little house.

I am happy here,
even in your company.

Ah! Your shoes.

I must ask you the small
courtesy of taking off your shoes.

Because boats are like mosques.

We'll take them off!

Let's take off our shoes.

Give them to me.

"Voila".

Excuse me. Please understand...

Now go freshen up and
change in the crew cabin.

Is there no hope
for our shoes? All right.

Excuse me, let me...
Watch out, we'll get stuck.

We are taking a serious risk.

Watch your head!

Filini, watch your...

One more thing, inferiors. There
are no slackers on a boat.

There are so many little things
to do. We will split up the tasks.

Because everyone is equal on a boat.

And now, dear guests,
let's have a nice toast to our cruise.

I mean... that is... Excuse me!

Let's set sail! To the maneuver!

You, Filini, raise the anchor. You,
"Bambocci", let go of the moorings.

- Fantozzi. - Yes, "Fantocci",
at the stern, loose moorings.

Good, Filini, block it.

- "Bambocci", untie the line.
- Yes, is this it?

- Not that! The bollard line.
- Yes. It goes through here...

Hurry up, "Bambocci"!

I'll explain later.

- Filini, quick, take off the fenders.
- Right away.

Heard that horn?

- What is this button?
- It's speed. - Interesting.

- And this?
- Right engine, left engine, commutator...

- And this button...
- Wait!

- What a nice, strong tone, right?
- Yes, it's ultra powerful.

Here I am, Mr. Count,
there is a very slight roll.

It's very light,
but it's very...

- "Beccacci", what are you doing?
Pour that for me. - I'm getting closer.

It is very insidious.

- What are you doing? Where is my wine?
- It's cooling down.

Here I am.

Wait a moment!

Hey there! Here we are!

Let's anchor here!
Ready for the maneuver!

Haul in that hawser!

- Sorry, I didn't understand.
- Haul in that hawser!

Haul it, or you'll piss him off!

This one? Okay, I'll haul it.
Do I do 3 laps or 4?

- What are you doing? Tie it up, secure it!
- I'll secure it!

- I do not remember anymore.
- Where's the pike pole?

Did you see a Polish person?

- Is he Polish or Sardinian?
- Look behind the spar.

- Behind... - Behind the spar.
- Behind the spar! - Oh yes!

At the winch, Filini, anchor down.

You, "Mammozzi",
to the aft anchor!

My name would be Fantozzi.

This is very dangerous.
Good morning, ma'am.

"Bagherozzi", hurry up,
hurry up, or the boat will turn around.

Wait up. This is not it! Here it is!

So... then...

Ah, here it is!

Fantozzi, what did you do?

- I wanted to freshen up.
- How is the water? - Wonderful.

- I sort of feel like taking a dip too.
- Do it.

Make way!

Accountant, are you all right?

Be careful, I had an unforgettable
experience with this "lady".

Give me!

Clay pigeon shooting!
Filini, my shotgun please!

- Watch out, it's loaded!
- What? it's loaded?

- "Pupazzi", the "score"!
Do you have the "score"?

- Where's the "score"? The scorer.
- Here it is!

Point it at the Duke, sorry.

- Ready? Pull.
- Pull!

- What did you shoot?
- That dish.

- That was an antique 18th century
English silver plate. - But I...

Go get your plates
from the galley.

Come on, Filini,
let's play a game. Two clays each.

Here?

You start!

- Point it there. - I'm sorry.
- You've done this before, right?

No, he hasn't.

Excuse me, Mr. Duke,
I'd like to go...

Bagherozzi, where are you going?
Score the points, throw the plates.

Filini, ready to shoot? Pull!

Ready? Pull!
- Go. - Pull.

Missed!

I'm sorry, I...

- Another shot. Ready?
- Yes.

- Pull!
- Pull!

Missed!

- Missed.
- Again?

- I'll write "missed".
- Yes.

- Now, "Bambozzi", you shoot.
- Yes. It's your turn.

- No. I'd prefer not to.
- It's yours. Shoot.

- Give me the "score".
- Come on, Filini, pull. - Ready?

Pull!

- Take the shotgun! - No!
- Hide everything! Let's go.

Watch your head!

Watch your head!

On the return trip,
Duke Count Barambani...

... due to a cursed engine failure,
shared tasks with his guests once again.

At the end of the summer...

... facing the prospect of a
new year of repulsive work...

... Fantozzi was taken by his usual
crisis of intolerance and rebellion.

The Mega President is an asshole!

Sometimes I feel like writing it
in the sky... like that.

What?

THE MEGA PRESIDENT
IS AN ASSHOLE!

The Grand Council of the 10 absentees,
gave them all a handwriting appraisal.

- What did they make you do?
- Nothing, I had to write that sentence.

- That's bullshit, "Puccettone".
- It's your turn. - Here I am.

Do you know what
will they make us write...?

Give me!

- No, it's not him. - Go.
- Thanks. Thank you very much. Sorry.

Get out, get out!
Will you please leave?

Next!

It closed!

- Write that vile sentence.
- I have no hands!

- What are these?
- They're paralyzed.

- Don't be a fool, write!
- With a typewriter?

I don't have a pen.

These are just decoration.

Write!

- With your right hand.
- I'll write, then.

Here we are, ready.

I'm illiterate.

- Write!
- I'll write. Just like...

Here! I took the liberty of
putting the exclamation point!

- It's him! - You expressed
a judgment and it came out in writing.

I'll have you banned, massacred,
I'll tear you to pieces...

... I'll put you in a suitcase
and send you to Olbia!

I'll tear off your ears, arms and legs,
and send everything to Olbia.

I'll cut you in 4 pieces, put them
in a trunk and send it to Olbia.

I'm sorry, have you set up a
new collection center in Olbia?

The Mega President Archangel.

Take a seat, dear Fantozzi.

It was you, right?

I knew it.

Please.

- Pina! - You must be pleased
to have your wife around right now.

Are you convinced of
what you wrote about me?

I... I didn't write it.
I just thought it.

You don't have to think,
that was your mistake.

Come with me.

- Come on, erase it.
- Let's try.

Bravo, Fantozzi!

And now write about yourself
what you wrote about me.

FANTOZZI IS A BIT OF
AN ASSHOLE

No, erase "a bit of".

I'll erase it.

Bravo, Fantozzi.
And please, don't you delete it.

You're very kind, Sire!

Is it very visible?

No, not much. Besides,
you just need to not look.

Yes, just don't read. They've
already disgraced me anyway.

But if they think they're taking me out,
they're wrong.

There's something about me
they don't know: I am indestructible.

Because I'm the biggest
loser of all time.

Two world wars, one colonial empire,
eight soccer world cups in a row.

The purchasing power of the lira,
trust in whoever governs me.

... and my mind. For a monst--
for a woman like you...

There he is! Here comes!

Laugh away, yes!
He who laughs last, laughs best!

Say what you like,
but I am a successful man!

- "Fantozzo"?
- Yes?

Well, I may not be successful,
but at least I can say I'm lucky.

What more can I want? I have a
beautiful house for a fair rent.

A 99-channel remote control
in my holster.

A wonderful daughter...

... wonderful,
and a faithful wife.

I am the happiest man
of all! I want to play!

Move away, Mariangela.
I am su-per-luc...

... ky!

THE END