Falstaff (2001) - full transcript
- Falstaff!.
- Hit here!
- Sir John Falstaff!.
- What on earth ails you?
- You have beaten my servants.
- Land lord!
Another bottle of your sherry.
You've worn out my noble steed,
Violated my estate.
- But not your chamber maid.
- That's nice of you!
A bleary-eyed battle axe.
Listen, fatman,
Were you 20 times the size
Of John Falstaff Esquire
I would force you to answer me.
You can have my answer right now.
- I have done all that you say.
- What else?
- It was my intent.
- I'll appeal to the Royal Council.
Shut up or be a laughing stock.
- That's my loyal counsel.
- I'm not finished yet!
Go to Hell, John!
- Bardolph!
- Doctor Caius.
- You made me drunk last night.
- Today I'm horribly hung over.
I'm ill.
Get me one of your top prescriptions.
My belly is aching.
Curse all innkeepers
Who add lime to their wine!
- Do you see the meteor?
- I see it.
lt goes to sleep every evening
Red like fire.
The gallows will cure you!
You made me drunk,you scoundrel,
With him talking hogwash.
And when I was stoned completely
You picked all of my pockets.
- Not me.
- Who else?
- Pistol!
- Yes, Sir John.
Did you pick the pockets
Of this noble gentleman?
Of course it was him. Look at him.
lf you believe this liar
You are totally insane!
Here I hadtwo shillings
From King Edward's reign.
And six half crowns.
- Not a far thing is left.
- Let me avenge the theft.
Iwield a mighty wooden sword.
Lies I despise!
You clumsy oaf,
Defaming a noble lord!
- Crackpot!
- Rapscallion!
- Animal!
- Cur!
- Rat!
- Clodhopper!
- Midget!
- Blasted bastard!
- Who?
- You.
- Repeat it!
- Ditto.
- By Jove!
- Calm down!
Pistol, don't get carried away now.
Bardolph, tell me who did pick
The pocket of this gent?
It was one of the two.
He drinks until the grape's ferment
Deprives him ofhis senses.
Then he dishes up a fable.
A pipe dream he imbibed
Under the table.
Hear that?
If you apply your reason,
You will certainly allow
That the charges are refuted.
- Go. No hard feelings.
- This I vow.
If I ever drink again
At this excuse of an inn
I'll drinkwith folk of noble birth.
With sober men of worth.
Godfearers.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Break off the antiphony.
It's out of place and not in time.
Here'sthe secret of artistry.
"Rob with timing, reason and rhyme."
You are bungling artists.
- A...
- A...
Six chickens for six shillings.
Thirty jugs of sherry for two pounds.
Three hen turkeys...
Take a look in my purse.
Two pheasants. One anchovy.
One mark, one mark, one penny.
- Dig deep.
- I'm digging.
Deeper!
I'm atthe bottom.
You're broke.
You'll drink me
Out of house and home.
Every seven days
I spendten hard-earned guineas.
You guzzler.
When in darkest night we hop
From a pub to a tavern,
Bardolph,your nose so bright
Directs me like a lantern.
But what l've saved on oil
You waste on grape,you wino.
For thirty years I've irrigated
Your proboscis of a rhino.
You cost too much.
And so do you.
Another bottle, land lord.
You wear my patience thin.
You squander Falstaff's hoard.
He won't be the same.
Nobody will love him.
This bursting belly holds
Over a million wagging tongues
Thats pout my name
Between the folds.
Falstaff is immense!
Enormous Falstaff!.
Here is my kingdom.
- I'll expand it.
- Enormous Falstaff.
But it'stime towhet our whistles.
Wits and whistles.
Do you know a Ford
In this neck of the woods?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- A man with fame and worldly goods.
- More generous than Croesus.
- And a lord!
- His wife's a beauty.
- She holds the purse strings.
- Her duty!
Love's not blind!
Her two eyes sparkle!
Neck like a swan's and luscious lips.
A flower that laughs and smiles.
Alice is her firstname.
One day when I hiked for miles
She winked when I chanced to pass
Through her district.
She kindled love's fire in my heart.
The goddess upon me
Good vibrations did impart.
On me, on me.
On my salient profile.
On my manly chest.
On my virile feet.
On my shapely hips
With curves so blessed.
Such strong desire swelled
And burned in her breast
When she appraised my body
Thatshe seemed to say,
"l surrender to John Falstaff."
- End of quote.
- There's one more.Yes, one more.
- One more girl?
- Yes, her name is Margaret.
They call her Meg.
I'lltake her down a peg
With my prowess.
- And she also has the coffer keys.
- The coffer keys.
This duo will be my diamond mine
And my ticket to the Gold Coast.
Look at these.
I'm a lingering breath
Of Indian summer.
A golden autumn.
I give you two fiery letters.
You take this one to Meg
To examine her virtue.
I see already
Thatyour nose is raring to go.
And you take this one here to Alice.
I am a swordsman of high rank.
I'll not stoop to be a panderer.
- I refuse.
- You mountebank.
Sir John, in this intrigue
I cannot condescend to help you.
- God forbid.
- Who?
- My honour.
- Come here, page boy!
Go and string yourselves up.
Don't string along with me!
Take two letters to two fine ladies.
Deliver them post haste.
Run fast, get out of here!
Faster, go, go, go!
His honour.
Two robbers!
You are bound
By honour among thieves.
Our disgrace stinks like cesspools
When we must pull tricks from sleeves
Denying the honour that bound us.
Yes, even I.
It sounds odd.
I must sometimes put aside
The very fear of God.
And of necessity
Let my honour stray.
I must use stratagems,
Resort to prevaricating.
Hemming and hawing, understating.
And you in your filthy rags
With foul breath and shifty eyes,
The kin of mountain lions,
Your giggling belies
Your alleged pledge of honour.
lt's a farce. lt's quite mad.
Can honour fill a hungry lad?
No.
Can your honour heal a broken leg?
No, itcan't.
Perhaps a foot? No. Or a finger? No.
Or a single hair? No.
Honour is no surgeon.
What is it then?
A hollow word.
There is nothing in this word
But a puffofair that dissipates.
Gone before it's heard.
Can this honour edifythe dead?
No.
Does it live only till we die?
Not that long.
It may go to your head
Through trumped-up flattery.
It's corrupted by pride
And tainted by slander.
I disdain it deep inside. No!
No, I don't fancy it!
No! No!
But getting back
To you two scoundrels,
I've put up with enough.
I'm throwing you out.
Giddyup! Giddyup!
At the double! Move your stuff!.
No oses will signal your death knell.
Giddyup! Giddyup!
Robbers! Robbers! Robbers!
Go to Hell! Go to Hell!
- Alice.
- Meg.
Nannetta.
Iwas just coming out
To have a laugh with you.
Good day, Mistress.
May Godwater you, Rosebud,
From his deepest, purest well!
You've come at the right moment.
I've been startled by an event.
- And so have I.
- What, praytell?
- First tell your story.
- You tell yours first.
- Promise not to gossip.
- How could I?
Come on!We're friends.
Here goes:
I've just agreed to take a bite
Of the Devil's bait.
I could shortly be upgraded.
- To the lady of a knight.
- Me too.
- You're kidding.
- No more idle chatter.
We'rewasting daylight,
Fact of the matter.
- I have a letter.
- So do I.
- Oh!
- Read it.
Read it.
Enchanting Alice,
I offer my love.
How can he?
What is he saying?
Except for the addressee
The words are the same.
- Enchanting Meg, I offer my love.
- I longforlove.
Here "Meg", there "Alice".
The same except the name.
Do not ask why,just tell me,
"I love you."
- But I never led him on.
- lt's insane and so exciting.
Let's study them from head to heel.
- The same refrain.
- The same kind of ink.
- The same handwriting.
- The very same seal.
You are merry and pretty.
And I am merry and witty.
Wouldn't we make a compatible pair?.
- So fast?
- He and she and you.
That makes three, not two.
Let us be partners
In love's sweet rapture.
A beautiful woman
And a man of tremendous stature.
And your countenance
Will brightly reflect upon me
Like a brilliant star
Shining from a far.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Pleasean swerand my lovere quite.
John Falstaff, your shining knight
- Monster!
- Monster!
- Monster!
- Monster!
Let's set a trap for him.
- Make his name mud.
- The butt of savage jokes.
His spark a dud.
- What a treat!
- Revenge is sweet!
- Barrel of wine!
- Ticking time bomb!
- A whale on a beach.
- A practical joke?
- The king of bellies.
- Don't let him explode.
- A whale in Windsor.
- Let me help you put him in yoke.
- Don't let him explode.
- That barrel of wine!
- He'll make a barrel of laughs!
- Defuse him.
That barrel of wine.
Thatking of bellies.
He dares play the part
Of a hand some suitor!
Grease oozes from his every pore.
His ditties cannot even the score.
Let him file sweet nothings galore.
He'll reap guffaws and nothing more.
When I reel in that big whale
I'll spin him around
Like a catchasing itstail.
He's a scoundrel, thiefandvandal.
He ransacked my home. lt's a scandal.
If we try him he pays for his crimes.
He deserves to live in Hell's climes.
I'm a hero in battle.
I can't let a foe
Drag you below
The dignity of cattle.
A Ford forewarned
Is a half-saved chap.
You only have to set a trap
That will foil his snare.
- My word's my sword.
- Face the threat.
- Be on the alert!
- A hyperbolic paunch!
- Saintly!
- Foil him.
If you spoke in unison
I mightunderstand.
If he doesn't straighten out
I'll send him to Beelzebub.
- Repeat that.
- I'll make it short.
Fat Falstaff is the sort
If he gets it in his head
To seduce your spouse
He'll burglarise your house,
Ruin your marriage, wreck your bed.
Good gracious!
He's already written her a letter.
But I knew better
Than to deliver it.
I refused.
- You must be ware!
- Take care!
Falstaff ogles all the girls,
Both the ugly and the pearls.
Maidens, married ladies.
- Virgins!
- Widows!
The crown of horns that adorns
Acteon's shaggy locks
Is sprouting on you!
Meaning?
- The antlers.
- Mind your language!
- The knight is horny, immensely.
- I'llwatch my wife intensely.
Keep an eye on that man.
Protect my home
From covetous neighbours.
- There she is.
- There he is.
- There she is.
- There he is.
- If he only knew!
- Heavens!
- Let's stay out of his path.
- Is Ford the jealous type?
- That's right.
- Shut up.
Let's be cautious.
Psst, psst, Nannetta.
- Come here.
- What do you want?
- Two long kisses.
- Short ones.
I'll make its nappy.
- Lips like fire!
- Lips like flowers!
Oh how wonderful
Are the membranes of love.
They speak gems of truth
And opened reveal pearls.
They're sights for sore eyes.
Sweet to my refined taste.
Lips so soft and tender.
- Hands that can thrill you!
- Lashes that can kill you!
Eyes that can steal hearts!
- I love you!
- Don't say it if you do.
- I do. Two more kisses.
- Stop now.
Show me what bliss is!
Spectators.
Lips that are kissed
Lose none oftheir attraction.
No, it is born again
Just like the moonlight.
Just like the moonlight.
- Falstaff is pulling my leg.
- Punish him for his lies!
- I'll drop him a word to the wise.
- No, send him a go-between.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Go to the double imposter.
Offer him irresistible bait.
Meeting me on a date.
- That's the way to go!
- What a dirty trick!
To fatten him for the kill
We'll flatter the buffoon.
- And then...
- Then we'll get back at him.
He deserves no clemency.
- He's a wild blood.
- A man with no morals.
- He's a mountain of lard.
- That nobody quarrels.
Wealth he squanders to partake
Of rich cuisine, all that will fit.
- Let's dunk him in the lake.
- Roast him on the spit.
- What fun we'll have!
- Ecstasy!
Make sure you play your partwell.
- Who's coming?
- Someone's spying on us.
- I'll attack him.
- And I'll tarry.
- We'll thru stand...
- Parry!
The targetis higher.
Love is a match of wits
In which the underdog
If a cunning snare she knits
Trips up the fatter hog.
I'm armed and I'll guard you.
- I'll wait for the blow.
- The lips are the bow.
And the kiss is the arrow.
The fatal shaft
Flies from my lips through the air.
Straight it does waft
To your golden hair.
You have now been captured.
But spare my life, please.
I have been wounded
But you are enraptured.
Have mercy, have mercy.
Let's stop the fighting.
- And then...
- And then?
The we'll start all over again.
The most beautiful game
Has a short time frame.
- Quit now.
- Love has castits spell!
People approach. Farewell!
Lips that are kissed
Lose none of their attraction.
No, it is born again
Just like the moonlight.
Lipst hat are kissed
Don't lose their attraction.
- Just like the moonlight.
- Don't lose their attraction.
You'll see his haughty sway,
Hear his braggingtongue.
Where didyou say
The fellow lives?
At the Royal Garter lnn.
Introduce me to the chap.
But under an assumed name.
Watch me play my game.
How I lay a trap.
Don't say a word about it.
I won't gossip, not a line.
- I swear my name is Bardolph.
- Pistol is mine.
- I'll follow suit.
- Mum's the word.
I'm deaf and mute.
- We're all of one mind.
- And blind.
My hand's my bond.
Your marriage is at stake
If you don't foil Falstaff's plot.
That barrel of wine!
The king of the bellies.
He dares play the part
Of a handsome suitor.
You will see me apply
My skills against this louse.
Jolly fun it will supply
To foil his ploton my house.
When I reel in that big whale
I'll spin him around
Like a cat chasing its tail.
The one I admired so ardently
Has indicated she also wants me.
We will be like twin stars
United in constellation.
- A flower of virtue.
- I'll save myself.
I'll spin him around.
- You must set a trap.
- Your honour is at stake.
- No more dilly-dallying.
- Run and do your deed.
I want to hear his silly howling
For love like an alley cat.
- Is ita deal?
- Yes.
- It's settled.
- Tomorrow.
- Good day, Meg.
- Nannetta, Godspeed.
- Adieu.
- So long.
You'll see that potbelly
Inflate still more
From the surface to the core.
It will expand at first
And then burst.
And my countenance will
Brightly reflect upon him
Like a brilliant star.
Like a brilliant star
Shining from a far.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
We are penitent and contrite.
A man returns to his vice
Like a dog to its vomit.
And we return to you
To do our duty at any price.
Master, there is a woman
Who is acting nervous,
Asking for admittance.
Let her enter.
At your service.
Good morning, my fair lady.
At your service.
If you don't mind, Your Grace,
I'd like a few short words
With you in total privacy.
I'll grant you an audience.
Please leave us.
At your service.
Mrs. Alice Ford.
Go on.
Alas! Poor, tortured lady.
You are a great seducer.
I know. Carry on.
Alice is in a terrible fluster.
She's madly in love with you.
She says she received your letter.
She sends her thanks and I'm to say
Her husband goes out
From two to three each day.
Two to three each day.
Your Grace can seize the hour
And go clandestinely
To visit that flower,
Who's known as Alice.
Poor, tortured lady!
Her fears are tormenting
The poor thing.
She has a very jealous husband.
From two to three each day.
Be so kind as to tell her
I will meet her at that hour.
I will not fail
To live up to expectations.
Well said, Sir.
But I have another message
For Your Grace.
Go on.
Beautiful Meg,
An angel who is always
Loved at first sight,
Also sends her love to Your Grace.
She says her husband
Rarely strays from their place.
Poor, tortured lady!
She's a lily of faith and innocence.
- You be witch all of them.
- Try to use your common sense,
lt's not witch craft.
lt's my sex appeal.
Tell me, did one woman warn
The second one about it?
Oh, no!
Women deceive
From the day they're born.
- There's no danger.
- Let me give you a reward.
- A sower of favours harvests love.
- Take it, my sweet messenger dove.
Give my love to your ladies.
I'm on my way.
Alice is mine!
Go, John, old chap,
Just go your own way.
This dried-out hunk of manly flesh
Can still produce sweetness
In a pinch.
If I give everywoman an inch
I'll need a mile and die in style.
Good body of Sir John,
That I nurture to full measure,
Thanks for the pleasure.
A man named Brook is waiting outside.
He wants to meet you.
He's offering a demijohn.
Cyprian wine for a full John.
You said his name is Brook?
- Yes.
- I delightin such a bountiful brook.
Let him flow into my humble abode.
Get him.
Go, John, old chap.
Just go your own way.
Sir, may Heaven
Help you down your road.
And may ithelp you too, Sir.
I am very impertinent this morning
To come to visit you
With out any warning.
I should have had the etiquette
To introduce myself.
You're welcome here.
Have no regret.
In me you see a gentleman
Who has riches to spare.
Who lives a life of perfect ease.
A man who spends more than his share,
As much as he deems astute
To please his everywhim.
You can call me simply Mr. Brook.
My esteemed friend, Mr. Brook!
I have long desired
Your acquaintance to make.
Dear Mr. Falstaff,
- To consult you my heart does ache.
- I'll listen!
Shut up! Let's make a bet!
He'll enter the trap once it's set.
- Ford ensnares Falstaff.
- Hush!
What's going on?
- I'm listening.
- Sir John,
Awell-known proverb
Gives me the courage to approach you.
They say gold opens any door.
That gold is a good-luck charm.
That gold conquers obstacles.
That gold is a mighty arm,
The vanguard of success.
Carry on.
I have money in a sack.
It weighs me down heavily.
Sir John, the strength I lack.
Help me lug it, please.
With ut most pleasure.
I don't quite know
Why you deem me worthy of this.
I will tell you.
Here in Windsor there's a lady
Who is beautiful and charming.
Her name is Alice.
She's married to man named Ford.
Alarming!
I love her. She doesn't love me.
I write to her. There's no reply.
I watch her. She neglects me.
She takes cover when I go by.
I've spent fortunes on her.
Given her lavish presents.
Racked my brain to contrive
Ways to put her at my pleasance.
However, it was futile.
At her door step I remained
Alone with parched throat and palate,
Serenading, sad and pained.
Love which follows you every day
Haunts you your entire life.
It's like a shadow.
If you flee it
It pursues
And if you chase it
It flees.
- Love!
- Love!
Learning to serenade is dear.
Its price is hard to cover.
Such is the fatal destiny
Of an unlucky lover.
Love which follows you every day.
Hasn't she ever given you
A token of her affection?
- No.
- But why are you telling me all this?
I can tell you.
You are a very noble gent.
Valiant, brilliant and eloquent.
You are a daring soldier.
You're a man of the world.
I can't match you.
And here is a bag of jingling coins.
Spend it on yourself.
Spend it on yourself.
Yes, splurge and spend the lot.
My inheritance. All I've got.
You have enough to buy a palace.
But in exchange
I would like you to conquer Alice.
That's a funny string attached.
My reason:
That ungrateful beauty
Has always demonstrated
Great devotion to chastity.
Her unfortunate virtue
Has caught my eye and fled it.
The impregnable beauty warns me,
"If you touch me you'll regret it."
If you overcome her ramparts
She may be vulnerable to me.
One slip entrains another and...
What do you say?
First o fall,without further a do,
I accept the generous gift from you.
Secondly, I swear"knight's honour".
My hand's my bond.
I'll fight your battle on two flanks.
Mrs. Ford will be your prize of war.
- Many thanks!
- I'm already hot on her heels.
No need to keep you in the dark.
Just half an hour from now
- I'll have climbed her last bulwark.
- Whose?
Alice's.
She just sent me a confidante to say
Her bird-brained husband goes away
Every day.
- From two o'clock to three.
- From two o'clock to three?
Do you know the man?
The Devil take him
To Hell where he can fester
With Menelaus, his ancestor.
What a bird brain.
What a bird brain.
You'll see.
You'll see.
I'll make the ass a double cuck old.
If he interferes
I'll pound him to a bloody pulp
And not spare
The horns between his ears.
That Mr. Ford is a dumb ox!
Adumb ox!Adumb ox!Adumb ox!
You'll see.We'll trick the dimwit.
You'll see.You'll see.You'll see.
I'll make the ass a double cuck old.
What a bird brain!
What a bird brain!
Time's fleeing.
Wait for me right here.
I'll go and spruce my self up.
A nightmare?
Reality?
Two enormous branches
Are sprouting on my head.
A nightmare?
Master Ford!
Asleep?
Wake up quick. Get outof bed!
Your way mard wife
Is going to allow a louse
To defile your sacred honour,
In your own house.
The hour is determined.
The betrayal decided.
Victim of a cheating wife.
And then they maintain
A jealous husband is a blind man.
Already I can hear them
Call me disgusting names.
They're whispering calumnies.
My shame is eternal.
Matrimony is infernal!
Woman is demonic!
If you trust a wife
You're a simpleton.
I'd rather let a German
Manage all my beer.
Let a famished Dutchman
Mind my larder with less fear.
I'd entrust my brandy
To any Turk who's handy.
But not leave my wife
To her own designs.
Cruel fate awaits me!
A horrible word my heart has torn.
It's "horn"!
Dumb ox. Old goat.
Twisted antlers!
Ouch!A cuck old!A cuck old!
But you won't escape my wrath!
It's unfair to pick on the weaker.
Damn the pleasure seeker!
I'll fix them up first.
And then I'll catch them.
I'll burst!
I'll avenge this dastardly deed!
I'll burst.
I'll avenge this dastardly deed!
Gratitude will always be
At the bottom of my heart.
Thanks to my jealousy.
Look at me now.
I'm ready.
Want to go part of the way with me?
I'll go along a bit.
Please go first.
- You go first.
- No.
No,you are my guest here.
After you.
You first.
It's getting late.
My urgent date won't wait.
Don't stand on ceremony.
- After you.
- You're first.
- After you.
- You're first.
All right.
Let's go together.
Let's introduce a bill at Westminster
Taxing each fat so to aid a spinster.
- Fair ladies.
- Go on.
- What's up?
- He's a sap!
- Hurrah!
- Pretty soon we'll f?te the dunce.
- Lovely!
- The idiot fell right into the trap.
- Tell us everything at once.
- At once.
When I arrived subtly at the Garter
I said I had a message
And entered Falstaff!s quarter.
To make him a martyr.
Sir John deigned me worthy
To be granted an audience.
He received me off his high horse
Like a low born knave.
"Good morning, my fair lady."
"At your service."
And I greeted him
As if I were his humble slave.
Then I gave him the temptingt it bits.
He gulped my yarns like dainty torte
Whether plausible or utter misfits.
Butto cut a long story short
The most gullible of nitwits
Believes you're both crazy about him.
Soon he'll be at your feet.
You'll see.
- How soon?
- Today, here, from two to three.
- From two o'clock to three.
- lt's two already.
From two to three.
- From two o'clock to three.
- From two o'clock to three.
Hey, lads! Ned!Will!
We're all set to give him a damper.
Now bring us the laundry hamper.
This will be a precious treat.
Nannetta,you're not laughing?
What is wrong?
You're crying.What is wrong?
Tell it to your mother.
- My father wants...
- Go on.
- My father wants...
- Go on.
My father wants me
To marry that awful Dr. Caius!
- That boring pedant?
- Horrors!
- That loser!
- That imbecile!
That stupid so-and-so!
- No!
- No!
- I'd rather be stoned to death.
- With a fusillade of cabbage stalks.
- Well spoken!
- Bravo!
Don'tbe scared.
Hip hurrah.
I refuse to marry Dr. Caius!
Set it down there.
When I call you,you two pitch
The basket contents into the ditch.
Quiet. You can go.
The bomb's ready for ignition!
Let's get the stage set.
Here a chair.
Deposit my lute there.
Let's open the partition.
Just right. Just like that.
Open it some more.
In a minute the comedy will start.
Merry wives of Windsor,
Heed your cue.
Time for laughs. The dupe is due.
Roaring laughs that cut,
That can tear bellies apart.
That chase their prey straight away
With barbs and whip lashes.
Merry wives, Windsor's main stay.
Smiles on your faces!
You hold the aces.
Laughter will light
A contagious spark.
It will kindle pleasure
That no one can measure.
And joy in the park.
We're on.
Play your part, follow the script.
You're taking a risk
with the heavy guy.
I'll be on the lookout.
I'll call if things go awry.
I'll stay here by the door
And see what happens.
We'll show the men that the revelry
Of honest women
Is perfectly virtuous.
Women exhibit much more devilry
If they're prudish and innocuous.
Merry wives of Windsor,
Merry wives of Windsor,
Heed your cue.
Time for laughs. The dupe is due.
Time for laughs. The dupe is due.
- He's coming. lt's him.
- Whichway?
- He's pretty close.
- Hurry.
- He's ascending the stairs.
- You stand here.
- You right there.
- Engarde!
"At last I'll pick you,
My radiant rose.
I've chosen and picked you."
Now I can without malice,
Now that I've plucked you,
Die in fulfilment,
My final chapter close.
- Magnificent Sir John!
- My beautiful Alice!
I don't know
How to be coy or flirty.
To flatter or smatter
Flowery phrases.
But I'll say what's on my mind
Even though it's dirty.
Go on.
Go on.
I wish that Mr. Ford
Would go to his just reward.
- How come?
- How can you ask me?
Then you could be my lady
And Falstaff could be your lord.
- Poorer buton a fling!
- Worthy ofa king.
I see you decked in my coat of arms,
Adding glamour
To your anterior charms
And pomp to your circumstance.
I see your dashing, flashing eyes
In diamonds reflected.
I see your dainty ankle
Ringed in the gold of your elected.
You'll knock out all the men,
Eclipsing a rainbow
With your effervescence.
Jewels don't become me.
And I don't go for gold.
A false idol I spare.
A crossed veil will do
Even if it's old.
A trinket on my waist band.
A flower in my hair.
- Seductress!
- Flatterer!
We are all alone
And can't be over heard.
- Go on.
- I love you!
It's a sin. Don't be absurd.
Love's an opportunity one must seize.
Sir John!
It's no sin one's heart to please.
I love you.
And it's not my own fault.
You offer a broad side
To Cupid's assault.
When I was a page
For the Duke of Norfolk
I was a veritable bean pole.
I was a vague mirage, narrow gauge.
Nothing but bones and soul.
Like a breath of April.
Young and green.
May a-budding.
Wish you could have seen.
I was so lean, supple and nimble.
All my excess fat fit in a thimble.
When I was a page
I was narrow gauge.
I was narrow gauge.
Then I was a regular bean pole.
Nothing but bones and soul.
You're pulling my leg.
I fear that you are great deceiver.
I'm afraid that you love...
- Whom?
- Meg.
That wench?
I can't stand to look at her face.
You can't fool me, John.
It seems like a thousand years
That I've been waiting
To give you an embrace.
- I love you.
- Lord, have mercy!
- Come here!
- Mistress Alice!
- Who is it?
- Mistress Alice!
- Who's s there?
- My good lady!
It's Mistress Meg foryou,
She's fussing.
- She's huffing and puffing.
- The Devil take her!
She's dead set on gaining admission.
- Where can I hide myself?.
- Behind the partition.
Alice! Now you've done it!
What a up roar.What a scene.
- Escape!You dare not lose a minute!
- What's afoot? God save the queen!
Ford's a keg of powder.
"Help", I heard him shout.
- He says...
- Louder.
He wants to cut
The throat of some lout.
- Stop giggling.
- He was running.
He was in an awful fury.
Condemning with out a jury
All the daughters of Eve.
God save the queen!
He says you are hiding
An illicit lover.
Come what may
The rogue he will uncover.
Mistress Alice! Ford is coming!
Run for the hills!
He's as wild as a hurricane.
He's screaming, shouting, raving.
Raging as if insane.
He's menacing like a man possessed.
- Are you serious or raving in jest?
- I'm serious.
This minute he is scaling
The garden hedge.
A mob is with him,wailing.
They're over the edge.
Need I say more? He's at the door.
- Trespasser!
- A Devil riding fiddle sticks.
What could be crasser?
Close the door. Block the stairs.
The huntis on! Search all lairs!
Follow the scent of the wild boar.
Don't let him escape!
Search the hallways! Catch the ape!
- You're out of your mind.What's up?
- Who is hiding in that basket?
Dirty linen.
Hogwash! Filthy liar!
You, use each key.
Monitor the chests!
I'll believe what I see.
To the Devil with these rags!
Bolt the gate to the estate!
Dirty shirts, soiled skirts.
I'll find you, rat,just you wait!
Musty dusters. Be gone!
I'll find you, crook.
Worn-out bonnets.A blanket.
Night caps. Look!
He's not here.
- Talk about a hurricane!
- We'd better look under the bed.
Maybe in the oven or th ewell.
In the bath or on the roof instead.
Check the cellar.
- He's mad!
- Now is our chance.
Find away to get him out.
- In the hamper.
- No.
He won't fit in there.
He's much too fat.
Let's see.
- I can fit with room to spare.
- I'll go and get the servants.
- Sir John!You here? You?
- I love you! I love you alone.
Rescue me! Rescue me!
- Hurry!
- Scurry!
- Hurry!
- Scurry!
Ow! ow!
- I'm in. Putthe lid down.
- Scamper! Fill up the hamper.
- Come here.
- What a din!
What could be in a ner?
Follow me, come on in.
Bed lam is saner.
Everyone is irate
From the push and shove.
- They're madly in hate.
- We're madly in love.
Follow me on tip toes.
We've entered the fort.
- We've put into port.
- Behind us are all woes.
- Be quiet till fruition.
- Put your head on to my chest!
- The partition...
- God has blessed!
Stop the thief!.
Snare the seducer!
- Found?
- No.
- Found?
- No, nothere.
- Turn the entire house inside out.
- I can't find him anymhere.
He must be in here somewhere.
I will be filled with glee
When you dangle from a tree.
Come out, lily liver!
Or bombs will make the wall shiver.
- Come out! Coward!Yellow chicken!
- Nobody's home!
Give your self up, fornicator!
- Not here!
- Come on out! Not here!
Gourmand! Glutton! Guzzler! Beware!
- Stomach gorger!
- Money forger!
Scoundrel!
- Found.
- Found.
If I catch you...
If I fetch you...
If I tackle you...
If I shackle you
I'll squash your guts out.
- I'll tan your hide like a dog!
- Knock your teeth out!
Say your prayers.
Say your Hail Mary's.
Let's pretend
To do the laundry
So he won't find us in a quandary
Around a blind bend.
Let's spirit him away
From all of this vexation.
Danger in small ration
Is the spice ofplay.
Until now he doesn'thave a clue.
He may put us in a pickle
But not in a stew.
Risk is a source ofjoy.
lt gives us a thrill.
It warms hearts that are coy
And gives spines a chill.
Here,you all.
I have found him.
In there I hear John Falstaff
Kissing my better half.
- You flea-bitten cur!
- Shut up! Shout later.
- I need air.
- Stay inside, stay inside.
- Oxygen!
- He's getting up pity.
We have to catch the dirty rat
While he's nibbling at the cheese.
Let's think this out.
- Laughing beauty!
- Our elders are busy.
- You've surrendered.
- The old folks are openly wrestling.
- Filled all requests I have tendered!
- We've been busy cosily nestling.
Love doesn'thear
The thunder when it roars.
It takes wing, gracefully soars
To a diviner sphere.
You will be on the right flank.
We on the left of a solid rank.
They'll employ a vigorous kick
And demolish this baill wick.
- Bravo, bravo, General.
- We'll await your signal.
The spirit of love
Looks down from above.
The rascal seems to require a fan.
A little air hole
For a suffocating man.
You get a gag
If you continue to nag.
- Down!
- Down!
Down!
Bring your ear closer.
Someone's moaning.
If he falls again, he's done.
No one can save him.
I hear, I grasp and plainly see
Femininewiles on the loose.
lf you run and stumble,
Straight to hell you'll tumble.
Their amusing game
Is in for a lesson soon.
He's singing now with lofty aim.
He'll change his tune.
- The sweet mating call.
- Tell me if you love me!
I love you.
- Get ready!
- I protest!
- The beastis restless!
- Eyes on me.
- Help!
- One.
- Help!
- Two.
- Help!
- Three.
- It's not him!
- Shiver my timbers!
Now you're revolting too.
Keep your paws off her!
We refuse your offer.
She's not for you.
- He's there! Stop him!
- Where?
- On the stairs.
- Cut him to bits!
What a satanic hunt!
Ned!Will! Tom! Isaac!
Come! Quicker! Quicker!
Empty the basket made of wicker.
Dump it in the ditch
Near the clump of grasses
Where you see the laundry lasses.
Yes, yes!
- There's a dead weight inside.
- Go and your husband seek.
We'll tell him our crazy story.
Just to see the knight in muddy glory
Will cure Ford of his jealous streak.
- Heavy!
- You can do it!
- The bottom cracked. He's sunk!
- Up!
- It's smashing!
- It's smashing!
Whats plashing!
Whats plashing!
Ker plunk!
Hey! Innkeeper!
Larcenous world!
World of ill design!
Treacherous world!
Please, inn keeper,
A tankard of mulled wine.
Did I live so many years as a knight,
A cavalier brave and undefeated,
In a basket to be thus secreted,
To be cast into the water
With last week's dirty washing.
Just as we do with cats
As well as their blind offspring.
If this impressive paunch
Had not kept my body floating
I would have drowned
An awful death.
From a watery bloating.
Wicked world.
No virtue is left.
It's all going down hill.
Go, John, old chap.
Just go your own way,
Hang in there until
Your death is nigh.
Andthen will disappear
All true man hood from the world.
What a day dark and drear.
O, Heaven help me!
I am getting too fat.
And my hair's streakedwith silver.
Let me pour a little wine
Into the Thames river.
Better.
To drink good wine
And unbutton in the sunlight
Is a sweet thing!
For good wine
Banishes the thoughts of night
And of dejection,
Lights up the eye and the mind,
From the lips makes
lt'sway up to the brain andthere
The little trill-creatorwakes.
A black cricket
Which chirps within a merry peasant.
Every fibre in the heart vibrates,
And the breezes pleasant
Leap at the trill,
And the joy ful world
Is shaken by a madness of trilling.
And the trill invades the world!
At your service.
The lovely Alice...
The Devil take the lovely Alice.
I've had enough of you all.
I'm sick to death of all this.
- You are mistaken.
- You little pest!
I still feel the stabbing
From that irate goat's horns.
And my bones are still throbbing
From being folded
Like a good Bilbao sword, squashing
In a basket with a woman's washing.
Suffocating in the heat!
A man of my dimension
Melting in a steady stream
Of dissolution!
Then,when I was well cooked,
Red hotand incandescent,
They dumped me in thewater.
The scoundrels!
She is innocent.
- She is innocent.You are mistaken.
- Go away!
The faultis with the servants.
Wretches! Alice weeps,
Laments, invokes the saints.
Poor, tortured lady!
She loves you.
Just read this.
- He's reading.
- I discern.
- He'll fall for it again.
- Men just never learn.
Now go and hide.
- He's reading it again.
- Yes, swallowing the bait.
I'll be expecting you
In the royal park at midnight
You must appear in the disguise
Of the Black Huntsman.
At the great oak of Heme.
Love loves a mysterious plan.
To see you again
Alice has turned to a legend
Much vaunted.
The place where that oak stands
Is haunted.
The sinister Black Huntsman
Hanged himself
From one of its branches strong.
Some people say
They have seen his ghost.
Come along.
We can talk better inside.
Tell me the tale that's written.
When all the sombre chimes
Of midnight're sound,
- He's bitten.
- Eerily echoing
- When the chimes of midnight're sound
- In the silent dark,
- Eerily echoing in the silent dark,
- Flocks of wandering spirits abound.
Flocks of wandering spirits
Rise up and abound
Andthe Black Huntsman
Descends upon the park.
He approaches slowly, slowly, slowly,
With the great lethargy
He brings from the tomb.
His black form comes nearer...
Oh! How unholy!
I feel a frisson offear
Right here in this room!
Fables which a grandma
Relates to small children
Spinning them outlonger
To hasten their dreams.
The vengeance of woman
Must not fail in these schemes.
His black form comes nearer
And his steps take him now
To the treewhere his evil soul
Fatally ended.
The fairies appear
And out of his cold brow
Project two long horns.
Very long.
Splendid.
Those horns will now be
The target of my sport.
Watch out!You also deserve
A punishment of some sort.
Forgive me.
I admit my faults with out reserve.
Beware if you come over
With a new ferocious urge
In a nut shell to conduct a search
For your own wife's lover.
But time is pressing
And calls for quick reflection.
- Hurry.
- Let's plan the masquerade.
- Nannetta!
- Here I am.
You shall be a fair maid,
The Fairy Queen, in pale confection.
Hidden in a pure white veil
And crowned with roses.
And I will sing words melodious.
You shall be
The greenwood nymph sprightly.
And Mistress Quickly
Awitch old and unsightly.
Marvellous!
I'll lead children small,
Dressed as elves,
And sprites, and imps,
And bats, and goblins.
And Falstaff,
With horns and mantle as disguises,
Will be ambushed by all.
- Us all.
- Us all.
And we will all torment him
Until he has confessed
His deep depravity.
Then we'll unmask before him
And before the sun rises
Our merry band of jest
Will return from the tree.
Night is falling. Let's go home.
Our rendez vous tonight
Is at the oak of Herne.
- Agreed.
- How witty!
To scare him will be our delight.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
And don't forget the lanterns.
You need have no fear.
You shall wed my daughter pretty.
Her planned at tire
You still can cite?
Crowned with roses,
A white veil and gown.
Don't forget the masks.
Never fear.
Don't you forget the rattles.
I've already positioned
That net of mine.
When the fun has died down
With your faces covered
Return to me here.
She with her veil,
You with a monk's habit.
And I will then bless
The match you've petitioned.
- We're agreed.
- Don't bank on it.
Nannetta! Hey!
Nannetta! Hey!
What's up? What's up?
Be sure to prepare your fairy melody.
It's all ready.
Don't you be late.
The first to arrive will wait.
My lips send forth on wings
My song ecstatic
Into the silence of the night
Far distant.
At length
It finds the lips of one expectant
Who to my call responds
With her own music.
And then the note,
Which is alone no longer,
Vibrates with joy
In a harmonious mystery.
It fills the pre-dawn air
With loving beauty
Then to its source returns
With new voice stronger.
There the sound grows again
And its preoccupation
Is that which is still divided
To unite.
And that is why
I kissed those lips inviting.
"Lips that are kissed
Lose none of their attraction."
"No, it is born a new,
Just like the moonlight."
"And yet the song dies
- In the kiss uniting."
- "Just like the moonlight."
No, Sir!
You must pu ton this wrap.
- What's all this about?
- Do as we say.
Wear this.
He is an escaped friar
From La Trappe.
The base betrayal
With which Ford threatens us
Must now be turned against him
To our profit.
- Explain yourself.
- Just do as I say now, be tacit.
Such opportunities
We must seize and tap.
Who will you disguise as the bride?
Ascoundrel, red-nosed and impious
Hated by Dr. Caius.
I've planted the imps a long the road.
We're ready.
Quiet!
- Here comes the fat toad.
- Go!
- Go!
- Go!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seventh stroke.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Eleven.
Twelve.
It is midnight.
This is the oak.
Ye gods, come and protectme.
Jove.
You changed in to a bull
For Europa,whom you did love.
You too wore horns.
The gods reveal to us humility.
Love draws out of a man
His fundamental bestiality.
I hear a gentle footstep.
Alice! Love is now calling.
Come, love inflames me so.
- Sir John!
- You are my darling.
- Sir John!
- And you are my doe.
- O scintillating love.
- Come, I'm trembling and ardent.
- Sir John!
- I am your servant.
And I am your impatient stag.
By Jove.
Let it rain truffles,
Fennel or radish.
They shall be my pasture.
And let love flourish.
- We are alone.
- No.
There in the forest dense
Meg is following me.
A double adventure.
Lether come too!
Tear me apart
Like a roast chamois immense.
Tear me to shreds!
Cupid,
Give me long-due recompense.
I love you, I always did!
I love you!
I love you!
- Help me!
- Someone cried out.Alas!
The spirits are coming!
- Alas. Letus be hid.
- But where?
Heaven forgive me
Where I have transgressed.
The Devil
Won'tcondemn me Hell to infest.
Nymphs! Elves!
Sylphs! Dryads! Sirens!
The star of enchantment
Now lights up the skies.
Arise!
Shadows serene!
- Nymphs, sylphs.
- It is the fairies.
- Who ever sees them, dies.
- Sirens.
Let us advance.
There he is.
Lying on the ground.
Terrified. Sick with fear.
Trying to hide.
- But don't laugh.
- No, don't laugh.
Behind me here, all of you.
- Le tus begin.
- Over to you.
On wings of a most fragrant breeze
Fly, all you spirits sprightly.
Shimmering light
Seeps through the trees
As the moon rises brightly.
Dance then!
Let your steps inviting
Mingle with music sweet.
Magically reuniting
The song and your tripping feet.
The wood is reposing,
Exhaling aromatic shade.
Are fuge green imposing.
Adeep-sea home
The air has made.
Let'swander beneath the moon,
Selecting flowers at random.
The heart of every blossom
Encapsulates its fortune.
With lilies and with violets
Let us write names in secret,
Our hands led by enchantment.
May words spring forth and take root.
Adorned with light which mixes
Pure silver and pure gold.
With poems and charms.
The pixies
Use flowers as their code.
Under the shimmering moonlight
We advance one by one.
To the dark oaktree, the site
- Of the Black Huntsman.
- The pixies
- Use flowers as their code.
- The oak of the Black Huntsman.
- Stop there!
- Who is it?
- Mercy!
- lt's a male.
With horns like a steer.
- As fat as a whale.
- As big as a cruiser.
- Get up, come on.
- Bring me a crane here.
- I can't.
- What a bruiser.
- He's corrupted.
- He's corrupted!
- He'stainted!
- He'stainted!
Let's perform an exorcism.
Try to avoid your peril.
Dr. Caius is looking for you.
- Let's seek outa place to hide.
- Then come back quickly when I shout.
Sprites! Elves! Goblins!Vampires!
Nimble insects
From the swamps of Hell!
Nip him!
Sting him with nettles!
- Harass him with your pointed snouts!
- Yuck!
You stink justlike a polecat.
Roll over, roll over!
Roll over, roll over!
Roll over, roll over, roll over!
Pinch him, pinch him,
Pinch him, prick him,
Nibble him, nibble him,
Sting him, peck him,
Sting him, peck him,
Until he howls!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Rattle castanets and whips!
Cover him with muddy drips.
We dance farandoles about him,
Farandoles on his stouttum.
Mosquitoes to battle fly.
Use your darts. Make him cry!
Make him bellow and cry!
Pinch him, prick him.
Nibble him, sting him, peck him.
Sting him, peck him
Until he howls.
Ow, ow, ow ow!
Get him from top to toe.
Squash and crush his ego.
Pinch him.
Pull out his nails.
Pinch him, prick him.
Pinch him, prick him.
Pinch him, prick him.
Roll over, roll over!
Pinch him, prick him!
- Villain!
- Poltroon!
- Glutton!
- Buffoon!
- Boozer!
- Loser!
Down on your knees!
- Potbelly!
- Flabby jelly!
- Bed hopper!
- Clothes popper!
- Barrel swiller!
- Chair killer!
- Mare crippler!
- Chin tripler!
- Say you repent!
- Say you repent!
- I do! I'm done in!
- Fraudulent gent!
Ow, ow, I repent!
- On trouble you're bent.
- Ow, ow, I repent!
Old goat!
Scrounger! Braggart!
- Forgive me!
- Your life now re think.
- Of brandy you stink.
- Lord, make him chaste.
- Potbelly!
- But spare my bread basket.
Lord, make his man hood waste.
- Potbelly!
- But spare my bread basket.
- Lord, punish him,we ask it.
- Barrel swiller!
But spare my bread basket.
Lord, punish him,we ask it.
- Chair killer!
- But spare my bread basket.
Globe of impurity,
- Answer me.
- Serves me right.
Mount of obesity,
Answer me.
- Serves me right.
- Wine skin of malmsy.
- Answer me.
- So it be.
- Corpulence.
- Abhorrence.
- Cuckold dense.
- Abhorrence.
- Knavery, villainy.
- Ow, so it be.
Knavery, villainy.
And now may the Devil take you away.
Hell fire, sulphur and brimstone burn!
Bardolph I discern.
Scarlet nose!
Wattle nose!
Pointed beak!
Red-nosed freak!
Salamander! Fireball!
Half wit!
Smelly kipper!
Hell's roasting spit!
Vampire! Basilisk!
Rogue! Bounder!
I have spoken.
And if I lie I will risk
My sword belt bursting asunder.
Bravo!
A pause would be welcome.
I am tired.
Come, in the white veil be attired.
And while you get your breath back,
Look.
Sir John, tell me:
Who's been the cuck old all along?
- Yes, who?
- Yes, who?
Yes, who?
Has the cat got your tongue?
Dear Mr. Brook.
The name you give is wrong.
This is Ford.
My own true husband.
- My dear gent.
- At your service.
You believed two women
Could be so short-sighted,
So blighted,
As to yield body and soul
To God's Opponent
For an old fat so,
Obese and scabby.
With that awful, bald pate.
And so terribly flabby.
They speak plainly.
I'm beginning to realise
That you've made an ass of me,
Truly.
- An old stag.
- An ox.
Ha! Ha!
- And a monster unruly.
- Astag!
- A monster unruly.
- An ox!Astag!
- An ox.
- A monster unruly.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
For every sort of common folk
I'm a source of amusement.
They revel in it.
Yet with out me
People would have now it.
To spice their life
Would have no joke.
I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one
Who prompts witin you.
My art fulness
Inspires witin others too.
- Yes, bravo.
- By the gods!
If I weren't laughing,
I'd flatten you.
Enough, then.
Now to me lend your ear.
We will crown our masquerade
With the marriage of our maid,
The lovely Fairy Queen dear.
Look, the bridal couple
Approach the dell.
- Attention!
- Attention!
There she is, all white and fair.
Veiled, with roses in her hair.
With the bride groom
Onw hom my choice fell.
Form a circle round them, nymphs.
Two more young lovers,
A couple full of passion,
Have asked to join the happy occasion
And marry.
So be it.
The feast two weddings covers.
Please bring the lanterns.
Heaven marriage on you confers.
Remove the masks and veils.
See your transformation!
- How awful!
- Betrayal!
A transformation!
My daughter and Fenton.
I have married Bardolph!
- How awful!
- Victory!
Hip hurrah! Hip hurrah!
An amazing turn.
Man is often hoist
With his own petard
Set by his own malice.
Now tell me, pray, dear Mr. Ford,
The laughing stock is who?
- Him.
- You.
- You.
- Them.
- Both of you.
- No.
All of the three.
Turn round
And look at their charming confusion.
Forgive us, Father, for the delusion.
He who cannot avoid duress
Must take it in good part.
I accept your marriage from my heart.
And may Heaven this union bless.
Hip hurrah!
A chorus with which to end our play.
Then the party's on Sir Falstaff,
I would say.
Hip hurrah!
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
ln his head his reason is buffeted
Like wind-blown smoke.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
All of Creation's a farce.
- Life is a game, life is a game.
- All of Creation's a farce.
- Life is a game, life is a game.
- All of Creation's a farce.
- Life is a game.
- Every one ridicules ever yone else.
But he who has the last laugh
Laughs longest.
But he who has the last laugh
Laughs longest.
Everyone ridicules everyone else.
But he who has the last laugh
Laughs longest.
Life is a game.
Life is a game.
- Hit here!
- Sir John Falstaff!.
- What on earth ails you?
- You have beaten my servants.
- Land lord!
Another bottle of your sherry.
You've worn out my noble steed,
Violated my estate.
- But not your chamber maid.
- That's nice of you!
A bleary-eyed battle axe.
Listen, fatman,
Were you 20 times the size
Of John Falstaff Esquire
I would force you to answer me.
You can have my answer right now.
- I have done all that you say.
- What else?
- It was my intent.
- I'll appeal to the Royal Council.
Shut up or be a laughing stock.
- That's my loyal counsel.
- I'm not finished yet!
Go to Hell, John!
- Bardolph!
- Doctor Caius.
- You made me drunk last night.
- Today I'm horribly hung over.
I'm ill.
Get me one of your top prescriptions.
My belly is aching.
Curse all innkeepers
Who add lime to their wine!
- Do you see the meteor?
- I see it.
lt goes to sleep every evening
Red like fire.
The gallows will cure you!
You made me drunk,you scoundrel,
With him talking hogwash.
And when I was stoned completely
You picked all of my pockets.
- Not me.
- Who else?
- Pistol!
- Yes, Sir John.
Did you pick the pockets
Of this noble gentleman?
Of course it was him. Look at him.
lf you believe this liar
You are totally insane!
Here I hadtwo shillings
From King Edward's reign.
And six half crowns.
- Not a far thing is left.
- Let me avenge the theft.
Iwield a mighty wooden sword.
Lies I despise!
You clumsy oaf,
Defaming a noble lord!
- Crackpot!
- Rapscallion!
- Animal!
- Cur!
- Rat!
- Clodhopper!
- Midget!
- Blasted bastard!
- Who?
- You.
- Repeat it!
- Ditto.
- By Jove!
- Calm down!
Pistol, don't get carried away now.
Bardolph, tell me who did pick
The pocket of this gent?
It was one of the two.
He drinks until the grape's ferment
Deprives him ofhis senses.
Then he dishes up a fable.
A pipe dream he imbibed
Under the table.
Hear that?
If you apply your reason,
You will certainly allow
That the charges are refuted.
- Go. No hard feelings.
- This I vow.
If I ever drink again
At this excuse of an inn
I'll drinkwith folk of noble birth.
With sober men of worth.
Godfearers.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Break off the antiphony.
It's out of place and not in time.
Here'sthe secret of artistry.
"Rob with timing, reason and rhyme."
You are bungling artists.
- A...
- A...
Six chickens for six shillings.
Thirty jugs of sherry for two pounds.
Three hen turkeys...
Take a look in my purse.
Two pheasants. One anchovy.
One mark, one mark, one penny.
- Dig deep.
- I'm digging.
Deeper!
I'm atthe bottom.
You're broke.
You'll drink me
Out of house and home.
Every seven days
I spendten hard-earned guineas.
You guzzler.
When in darkest night we hop
From a pub to a tavern,
Bardolph,your nose so bright
Directs me like a lantern.
But what l've saved on oil
You waste on grape,you wino.
For thirty years I've irrigated
Your proboscis of a rhino.
You cost too much.
And so do you.
Another bottle, land lord.
You wear my patience thin.
You squander Falstaff's hoard.
He won't be the same.
Nobody will love him.
This bursting belly holds
Over a million wagging tongues
Thats pout my name
Between the folds.
Falstaff is immense!
Enormous Falstaff!.
Here is my kingdom.
- I'll expand it.
- Enormous Falstaff.
But it'stime towhet our whistles.
Wits and whistles.
Do you know a Ford
In this neck of the woods?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- A man with fame and worldly goods.
- More generous than Croesus.
- And a lord!
- His wife's a beauty.
- She holds the purse strings.
- Her duty!
Love's not blind!
Her two eyes sparkle!
Neck like a swan's and luscious lips.
A flower that laughs and smiles.
Alice is her firstname.
One day when I hiked for miles
She winked when I chanced to pass
Through her district.
She kindled love's fire in my heart.
The goddess upon me
Good vibrations did impart.
On me, on me.
On my salient profile.
On my manly chest.
On my virile feet.
On my shapely hips
With curves so blessed.
Such strong desire swelled
And burned in her breast
When she appraised my body
Thatshe seemed to say,
"l surrender to John Falstaff."
- End of quote.
- There's one more.Yes, one more.
- One more girl?
- Yes, her name is Margaret.
They call her Meg.
I'lltake her down a peg
With my prowess.
- And she also has the coffer keys.
- The coffer keys.
This duo will be my diamond mine
And my ticket to the Gold Coast.
Look at these.
I'm a lingering breath
Of Indian summer.
A golden autumn.
I give you two fiery letters.
You take this one to Meg
To examine her virtue.
I see already
Thatyour nose is raring to go.
And you take this one here to Alice.
I am a swordsman of high rank.
I'll not stoop to be a panderer.
- I refuse.
- You mountebank.
Sir John, in this intrigue
I cannot condescend to help you.
- God forbid.
- Who?
- My honour.
- Come here, page boy!
Go and string yourselves up.
Don't string along with me!
Take two letters to two fine ladies.
Deliver them post haste.
Run fast, get out of here!
Faster, go, go, go!
His honour.
Two robbers!
You are bound
By honour among thieves.
Our disgrace stinks like cesspools
When we must pull tricks from sleeves
Denying the honour that bound us.
Yes, even I.
It sounds odd.
I must sometimes put aside
The very fear of God.
And of necessity
Let my honour stray.
I must use stratagems,
Resort to prevaricating.
Hemming and hawing, understating.
And you in your filthy rags
With foul breath and shifty eyes,
The kin of mountain lions,
Your giggling belies
Your alleged pledge of honour.
lt's a farce. lt's quite mad.
Can honour fill a hungry lad?
No.
Can your honour heal a broken leg?
No, itcan't.
Perhaps a foot? No. Or a finger? No.
Or a single hair? No.
Honour is no surgeon.
What is it then?
A hollow word.
There is nothing in this word
But a puffofair that dissipates.
Gone before it's heard.
Can this honour edifythe dead?
No.
Does it live only till we die?
Not that long.
It may go to your head
Through trumped-up flattery.
It's corrupted by pride
And tainted by slander.
I disdain it deep inside. No!
No, I don't fancy it!
No! No!
But getting back
To you two scoundrels,
I've put up with enough.
I'm throwing you out.
Giddyup! Giddyup!
At the double! Move your stuff!.
No oses will signal your death knell.
Giddyup! Giddyup!
Robbers! Robbers! Robbers!
Go to Hell! Go to Hell!
- Alice.
- Meg.
Nannetta.
Iwas just coming out
To have a laugh with you.
Good day, Mistress.
May Godwater you, Rosebud,
From his deepest, purest well!
You've come at the right moment.
I've been startled by an event.
- And so have I.
- What, praytell?
- First tell your story.
- You tell yours first.
- Promise not to gossip.
- How could I?
Come on!We're friends.
Here goes:
I've just agreed to take a bite
Of the Devil's bait.
I could shortly be upgraded.
- To the lady of a knight.
- Me too.
- You're kidding.
- No more idle chatter.
We'rewasting daylight,
Fact of the matter.
- I have a letter.
- So do I.
- Oh!
- Read it.
Read it.
Enchanting Alice,
I offer my love.
How can he?
What is he saying?
Except for the addressee
The words are the same.
- Enchanting Meg, I offer my love.
- I longforlove.
Here "Meg", there "Alice".
The same except the name.
Do not ask why,just tell me,
"I love you."
- But I never led him on.
- lt's insane and so exciting.
Let's study them from head to heel.
- The same refrain.
- The same kind of ink.
- The same handwriting.
- The very same seal.
You are merry and pretty.
And I am merry and witty.
Wouldn't we make a compatible pair?.
- So fast?
- He and she and you.
That makes three, not two.
Let us be partners
In love's sweet rapture.
A beautiful woman
And a man of tremendous stature.
And your countenance
Will brightly reflect upon me
Like a brilliant star
Shining from a far.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Pleasean swerand my lovere quite.
John Falstaff, your shining knight
- Monster!
- Monster!
- Monster!
- Monster!
Let's set a trap for him.
- Make his name mud.
- The butt of savage jokes.
His spark a dud.
- What a treat!
- Revenge is sweet!
- Barrel of wine!
- Ticking time bomb!
- A whale on a beach.
- A practical joke?
- The king of bellies.
- Don't let him explode.
- A whale in Windsor.
- Let me help you put him in yoke.
- Don't let him explode.
- That barrel of wine!
- He'll make a barrel of laughs!
- Defuse him.
That barrel of wine.
Thatking of bellies.
He dares play the part
Of a hand some suitor!
Grease oozes from his every pore.
His ditties cannot even the score.
Let him file sweet nothings galore.
He'll reap guffaws and nothing more.
When I reel in that big whale
I'll spin him around
Like a catchasing itstail.
He's a scoundrel, thiefandvandal.
He ransacked my home. lt's a scandal.
If we try him he pays for his crimes.
He deserves to live in Hell's climes.
I'm a hero in battle.
I can't let a foe
Drag you below
The dignity of cattle.
A Ford forewarned
Is a half-saved chap.
You only have to set a trap
That will foil his snare.
- My word's my sword.
- Face the threat.
- Be on the alert!
- A hyperbolic paunch!
- Saintly!
- Foil him.
If you spoke in unison
I mightunderstand.
If he doesn't straighten out
I'll send him to Beelzebub.
- Repeat that.
- I'll make it short.
Fat Falstaff is the sort
If he gets it in his head
To seduce your spouse
He'll burglarise your house,
Ruin your marriage, wreck your bed.
Good gracious!
He's already written her a letter.
But I knew better
Than to deliver it.
I refused.
- You must be ware!
- Take care!
Falstaff ogles all the girls,
Both the ugly and the pearls.
Maidens, married ladies.
- Virgins!
- Widows!
The crown of horns that adorns
Acteon's shaggy locks
Is sprouting on you!
Meaning?
- The antlers.
- Mind your language!
- The knight is horny, immensely.
- I'llwatch my wife intensely.
Keep an eye on that man.
Protect my home
From covetous neighbours.
- There she is.
- There he is.
- There she is.
- There he is.
- If he only knew!
- Heavens!
- Let's stay out of his path.
- Is Ford the jealous type?
- That's right.
- Shut up.
Let's be cautious.
Psst, psst, Nannetta.
- Come here.
- What do you want?
- Two long kisses.
- Short ones.
I'll make its nappy.
- Lips like fire!
- Lips like flowers!
Oh how wonderful
Are the membranes of love.
They speak gems of truth
And opened reveal pearls.
They're sights for sore eyes.
Sweet to my refined taste.
Lips so soft and tender.
- Hands that can thrill you!
- Lashes that can kill you!
Eyes that can steal hearts!
- I love you!
- Don't say it if you do.
- I do. Two more kisses.
- Stop now.
Show me what bliss is!
Spectators.
Lips that are kissed
Lose none oftheir attraction.
No, it is born again
Just like the moonlight.
Just like the moonlight.
- Falstaff is pulling my leg.
- Punish him for his lies!
- I'll drop him a word to the wise.
- No, send him a go-between.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Go to the double imposter.
Offer him irresistible bait.
Meeting me on a date.
- That's the way to go!
- What a dirty trick!
To fatten him for the kill
We'll flatter the buffoon.
- And then...
- Then we'll get back at him.
He deserves no clemency.
- He's a wild blood.
- A man with no morals.
- He's a mountain of lard.
- That nobody quarrels.
Wealth he squanders to partake
Of rich cuisine, all that will fit.
- Let's dunk him in the lake.
- Roast him on the spit.
- What fun we'll have!
- Ecstasy!
Make sure you play your partwell.
- Who's coming?
- Someone's spying on us.
- I'll attack him.
- And I'll tarry.
- We'll thru stand...
- Parry!
The targetis higher.
Love is a match of wits
In which the underdog
If a cunning snare she knits
Trips up the fatter hog.
I'm armed and I'll guard you.
- I'll wait for the blow.
- The lips are the bow.
And the kiss is the arrow.
The fatal shaft
Flies from my lips through the air.
Straight it does waft
To your golden hair.
You have now been captured.
But spare my life, please.
I have been wounded
But you are enraptured.
Have mercy, have mercy.
Let's stop the fighting.
- And then...
- And then?
The we'll start all over again.
The most beautiful game
Has a short time frame.
- Quit now.
- Love has castits spell!
People approach. Farewell!
Lips that are kissed
Lose none of their attraction.
No, it is born again
Just like the moonlight.
Lipst hat are kissed
Don't lose their attraction.
- Just like the moonlight.
- Don't lose their attraction.
You'll see his haughty sway,
Hear his braggingtongue.
Where didyou say
The fellow lives?
At the Royal Garter lnn.
Introduce me to the chap.
But under an assumed name.
Watch me play my game.
How I lay a trap.
Don't say a word about it.
I won't gossip, not a line.
- I swear my name is Bardolph.
- Pistol is mine.
- I'll follow suit.
- Mum's the word.
I'm deaf and mute.
- We're all of one mind.
- And blind.
My hand's my bond.
Your marriage is at stake
If you don't foil Falstaff's plot.
That barrel of wine!
The king of the bellies.
He dares play the part
Of a handsome suitor.
You will see me apply
My skills against this louse.
Jolly fun it will supply
To foil his ploton my house.
When I reel in that big whale
I'll spin him around
Like a cat chasing its tail.
The one I admired so ardently
Has indicated she also wants me.
We will be like twin stars
United in constellation.
- A flower of virtue.
- I'll save myself.
I'll spin him around.
- You must set a trap.
- Your honour is at stake.
- No more dilly-dallying.
- Run and do your deed.
I want to hear his silly howling
For love like an alley cat.
- Is ita deal?
- Yes.
- It's settled.
- Tomorrow.
- Good day, Meg.
- Nannetta, Godspeed.
- Adieu.
- So long.
You'll see that potbelly
Inflate still more
From the surface to the core.
It will expand at first
And then burst.
And my countenance will
Brightly reflect upon him
Like a brilliant star.
Like a brilliant star
Shining from a far.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
We are penitent and contrite.
A man returns to his vice
Like a dog to its vomit.
And we return to you
To do our duty at any price.
Master, there is a woman
Who is acting nervous,
Asking for admittance.
Let her enter.
At your service.
Good morning, my fair lady.
At your service.
If you don't mind, Your Grace,
I'd like a few short words
With you in total privacy.
I'll grant you an audience.
Please leave us.
At your service.
Mrs. Alice Ford.
Go on.
Alas! Poor, tortured lady.
You are a great seducer.
I know. Carry on.
Alice is in a terrible fluster.
She's madly in love with you.
She says she received your letter.
She sends her thanks and I'm to say
Her husband goes out
From two to three each day.
Two to three each day.
Your Grace can seize the hour
And go clandestinely
To visit that flower,
Who's known as Alice.
Poor, tortured lady!
Her fears are tormenting
The poor thing.
She has a very jealous husband.
From two to three each day.
Be so kind as to tell her
I will meet her at that hour.
I will not fail
To live up to expectations.
Well said, Sir.
But I have another message
For Your Grace.
Go on.
Beautiful Meg,
An angel who is always
Loved at first sight,
Also sends her love to Your Grace.
She says her husband
Rarely strays from their place.
Poor, tortured lady!
She's a lily of faith and innocence.
- You be witch all of them.
- Try to use your common sense,
lt's not witch craft.
lt's my sex appeal.
Tell me, did one woman warn
The second one about it?
Oh, no!
Women deceive
From the day they're born.
- There's no danger.
- Let me give you a reward.
- A sower of favours harvests love.
- Take it, my sweet messenger dove.
Give my love to your ladies.
I'm on my way.
Alice is mine!
Go, John, old chap,
Just go your own way.
This dried-out hunk of manly flesh
Can still produce sweetness
In a pinch.
If I give everywoman an inch
I'll need a mile and die in style.
Good body of Sir John,
That I nurture to full measure,
Thanks for the pleasure.
A man named Brook is waiting outside.
He wants to meet you.
He's offering a demijohn.
Cyprian wine for a full John.
You said his name is Brook?
- Yes.
- I delightin such a bountiful brook.
Let him flow into my humble abode.
Get him.
Go, John, old chap.
Just go your own way.
Sir, may Heaven
Help you down your road.
And may ithelp you too, Sir.
I am very impertinent this morning
To come to visit you
With out any warning.
I should have had the etiquette
To introduce myself.
You're welcome here.
Have no regret.
In me you see a gentleman
Who has riches to spare.
Who lives a life of perfect ease.
A man who spends more than his share,
As much as he deems astute
To please his everywhim.
You can call me simply Mr. Brook.
My esteemed friend, Mr. Brook!
I have long desired
Your acquaintance to make.
Dear Mr. Falstaff,
- To consult you my heart does ache.
- I'll listen!
Shut up! Let's make a bet!
He'll enter the trap once it's set.
- Ford ensnares Falstaff.
- Hush!
What's going on?
- I'm listening.
- Sir John,
Awell-known proverb
Gives me the courage to approach you.
They say gold opens any door.
That gold is a good-luck charm.
That gold conquers obstacles.
That gold is a mighty arm,
The vanguard of success.
Carry on.
I have money in a sack.
It weighs me down heavily.
Sir John, the strength I lack.
Help me lug it, please.
With ut most pleasure.
I don't quite know
Why you deem me worthy of this.
I will tell you.
Here in Windsor there's a lady
Who is beautiful and charming.
Her name is Alice.
She's married to man named Ford.
Alarming!
I love her. She doesn't love me.
I write to her. There's no reply.
I watch her. She neglects me.
She takes cover when I go by.
I've spent fortunes on her.
Given her lavish presents.
Racked my brain to contrive
Ways to put her at my pleasance.
However, it was futile.
At her door step I remained
Alone with parched throat and palate,
Serenading, sad and pained.
Love which follows you every day
Haunts you your entire life.
It's like a shadow.
If you flee it
It pursues
And if you chase it
It flees.
- Love!
- Love!
Learning to serenade is dear.
Its price is hard to cover.
Such is the fatal destiny
Of an unlucky lover.
Love which follows you every day.
Hasn't she ever given you
A token of her affection?
- No.
- But why are you telling me all this?
I can tell you.
You are a very noble gent.
Valiant, brilliant and eloquent.
You are a daring soldier.
You're a man of the world.
I can't match you.
And here is a bag of jingling coins.
Spend it on yourself.
Spend it on yourself.
Yes, splurge and spend the lot.
My inheritance. All I've got.
You have enough to buy a palace.
But in exchange
I would like you to conquer Alice.
That's a funny string attached.
My reason:
That ungrateful beauty
Has always demonstrated
Great devotion to chastity.
Her unfortunate virtue
Has caught my eye and fled it.
The impregnable beauty warns me,
"If you touch me you'll regret it."
If you overcome her ramparts
She may be vulnerable to me.
One slip entrains another and...
What do you say?
First o fall,without further a do,
I accept the generous gift from you.
Secondly, I swear"knight's honour".
My hand's my bond.
I'll fight your battle on two flanks.
Mrs. Ford will be your prize of war.
- Many thanks!
- I'm already hot on her heels.
No need to keep you in the dark.
Just half an hour from now
- I'll have climbed her last bulwark.
- Whose?
Alice's.
She just sent me a confidante to say
Her bird-brained husband goes away
Every day.
- From two o'clock to three.
- From two o'clock to three?
Do you know the man?
The Devil take him
To Hell where he can fester
With Menelaus, his ancestor.
What a bird brain.
What a bird brain.
You'll see.
You'll see.
I'll make the ass a double cuck old.
If he interferes
I'll pound him to a bloody pulp
And not spare
The horns between his ears.
That Mr. Ford is a dumb ox!
Adumb ox!Adumb ox!Adumb ox!
You'll see.We'll trick the dimwit.
You'll see.You'll see.You'll see.
I'll make the ass a double cuck old.
What a bird brain!
What a bird brain!
Time's fleeing.
Wait for me right here.
I'll go and spruce my self up.
A nightmare?
Reality?
Two enormous branches
Are sprouting on my head.
A nightmare?
Master Ford!
Asleep?
Wake up quick. Get outof bed!
Your way mard wife
Is going to allow a louse
To defile your sacred honour,
In your own house.
The hour is determined.
The betrayal decided.
Victim of a cheating wife.
And then they maintain
A jealous husband is a blind man.
Already I can hear them
Call me disgusting names.
They're whispering calumnies.
My shame is eternal.
Matrimony is infernal!
Woman is demonic!
If you trust a wife
You're a simpleton.
I'd rather let a German
Manage all my beer.
Let a famished Dutchman
Mind my larder with less fear.
I'd entrust my brandy
To any Turk who's handy.
But not leave my wife
To her own designs.
Cruel fate awaits me!
A horrible word my heart has torn.
It's "horn"!
Dumb ox. Old goat.
Twisted antlers!
Ouch!A cuck old!A cuck old!
But you won't escape my wrath!
It's unfair to pick on the weaker.
Damn the pleasure seeker!
I'll fix them up first.
And then I'll catch them.
I'll burst!
I'll avenge this dastardly deed!
I'll burst.
I'll avenge this dastardly deed!
Gratitude will always be
At the bottom of my heart.
Thanks to my jealousy.
Look at me now.
I'm ready.
Want to go part of the way with me?
I'll go along a bit.
Please go first.
- You go first.
- No.
No,you are my guest here.
After you.
You first.
It's getting late.
My urgent date won't wait.
Don't stand on ceremony.
- After you.
- You're first.
- After you.
- You're first.
All right.
Let's go together.
Let's introduce a bill at Westminster
Taxing each fat so to aid a spinster.
- Fair ladies.
- Go on.
- What's up?
- He's a sap!
- Hurrah!
- Pretty soon we'll f?te the dunce.
- Lovely!
- The idiot fell right into the trap.
- Tell us everything at once.
- At once.
When I arrived subtly at the Garter
I said I had a message
And entered Falstaff!s quarter.
To make him a martyr.
Sir John deigned me worthy
To be granted an audience.
He received me off his high horse
Like a low born knave.
"Good morning, my fair lady."
"At your service."
And I greeted him
As if I were his humble slave.
Then I gave him the temptingt it bits.
He gulped my yarns like dainty torte
Whether plausible or utter misfits.
Butto cut a long story short
The most gullible of nitwits
Believes you're both crazy about him.
Soon he'll be at your feet.
You'll see.
- How soon?
- Today, here, from two to three.
- From two o'clock to three.
- lt's two already.
From two to three.
- From two o'clock to three.
- From two o'clock to three.
Hey, lads! Ned!Will!
We're all set to give him a damper.
Now bring us the laundry hamper.
This will be a precious treat.
Nannetta,you're not laughing?
What is wrong?
You're crying.What is wrong?
Tell it to your mother.
- My father wants...
- Go on.
- My father wants...
- Go on.
My father wants me
To marry that awful Dr. Caius!
- That boring pedant?
- Horrors!
- That loser!
- That imbecile!
That stupid so-and-so!
- No!
- No!
- I'd rather be stoned to death.
- With a fusillade of cabbage stalks.
- Well spoken!
- Bravo!
Don'tbe scared.
Hip hurrah.
I refuse to marry Dr. Caius!
Set it down there.
When I call you,you two pitch
The basket contents into the ditch.
Quiet. You can go.
The bomb's ready for ignition!
Let's get the stage set.
Here a chair.
Deposit my lute there.
Let's open the partition.
Just right. Just like that.
Open it some more.
In a minute the comedy will start.
Merry wives of Windsor,
Heed your cue.
Time for laughs. The dupe is due.
Roaring laughs that cut,
That can tear bellies apart.
That chase their prey straight away
With barbs and whip lashes.
Merry wives, Windsor's main stay.
Smiles on your faces!
You hold the aces.
Laughter will light
A contagious spark.
It will kindle pleasure
That no one can measure.
And joy in the park.
We're on.
Play your part, follow the script.
You're taking a risk
with the heavy guy.
I'll be on the lookout.
I'll call if things go awry.
I'll stay here by the door
And see what happens.
We'll show the men that the revelry
Of honest women
Is perfectly virtuous.
Women exhibit much more devilry
If they're prudish and innocuous.
Merry wives of Windsor,
Merry wives of Windsor,
Heed your cue.
Time for laughs. The dupe is due.
Time for laughs. The dupe is due.
- He's coming. lt's him.
- Whichway?
- He's pretty close.
- Hurry.
- He's ascending the stairs.
- You stand here.
- You right there.
- Engarde!
"At last I'll pick you,
My radiant rose.
I've chosen and picked you."
Now I can without malice,
Now that I've plucked you,
Die in fulfilment,
My final chapter close.
- Magnificent Sir John!
- My beautiful Alice!
I don't know
How to be coy or flirty.
To flatter or smatter
Flowery phrases.
But I'll say what's on my mind
Even though it's dirty.
Go on.
Go on.
I wish that Mr. Ford
Would go to his just reward.
- How come?
- How can you ask me?
Then you could be my lady
And Falstaff could be your lord.
- Poorer buton a fling!
- Worthy ofa king.
I see you decked in my coat of arms,
Adding glamour
To your anterior charms
And pomp to your circumstance.
I see your dashing, flashing eyes
In diamonds reflected.
I see your dainty ankle
Ringed in the gold of your elected.
You'll knock out all the men,
Eclipsing a rainbow
With your effervescence.
Jewels don't become me.
And I don't go for gold.
A false idol I spare.
A crossed veil will do
Even if it's old.
A trinket on my waist band.
A flower in my hair.
- Seductress!
- Flatterer!
We are all alone
And can't be over heard.
- Go on.
- I love you!
It's a sin. Don't be absurd.
Love's an opportunity one must seize.
Sir John!
It's no sin one's heart to please.
I love you.
And it's not my own fault.
You offer a broad side
To Cupid's assault.
When I was a page
For the Duke of Norfolk
I was a veritable bean pole.
I was a vague mirage, narrow gauge.
Nothing but bones and soul.
Like a breath of April.
Young and green.
May a-budding.
Wish you could have seen.
I was so lean, supple and nimble.
All my excess fat fit in a thimble.
When I was a page
I was narrow gauge.
I was narrow gauge.
Then I was a regular bean pole.
Nothing but bones and soul.
You're pulling my leg.
I fear that you are great deceiver.
I'm afraid that you love...
- Whom?
- Meg.
That wench?
I can't stand to look at her face.
You can't fool me, John.
It seems like a thousand years
That I've been waiting
To give you an embrace.
- I love you.
- Lord, have mercy!
- Come here!
- Mistress Alice!
- Who is it?
- Mistress Alice!
- Who's s there?
- My good lady!
It's Mistress Meg foryou,
She's fussing.
- She's huffing and puffing.
- The Devil take her!
She's dead set on gaining admission.
- Where can I hide myself?.
- Behind the partition.
Alice! Now you've done it!
What a up roar.What a scene.
- Escape!You dare not lose a minute!
- What's afoot? God save the queen!
Ford's a keg of powder.
"Help", I heard him shout.
- He says...
- Louder.
He wants to cut
The throat of some lout.
- Stop giggling.
- He was running.
He was in an awful fury.
Condemning with out a jury
All the daughters of Eve.
God save the queen!
He says you are hiding
An illicit lover.
Come what may
The rogue he will uncover.
Mistress Alice! Ford is coming!
Run for the hills!
He's as wild as a hurricane.
He's screaming, shouting, raving.
Raging as if insane.
He's menacing like a man possessed.
- Are you serious or raving in jest?
- I'm serious.
This minute he is scaling
The garden hedge.
A mob is with him,wailing.
They're over the edge.
Need I say more? He's at the door.
- Trespasser!
- A Devil riding fiddle sticks.
What could be crasser?
Close the door. Block the stairs.
The huntis on! Search all lairs!
Follow the scent of the wild boar.
Don't let him escape!
Search the hallways! Catch the ape!
- You're out of your mind.What's up?
- Who is hiding in that basket?
Dirty linen.
Hogwash! Filthy liar!
You, use each key.
Monitor the chests!
I'll believe what I see.
To the Devil with these rags!
Bolt the gate to the estate!
Dirty shirts, soiled skirts.
I'll find you, rat,just you wait!
Musty dusters. Be gone!
I'll find you, crook.
Worn-out bonnets.A blanket.
Night caps. Look!
He's not here.
- Talk about a hurricane!
- We'd better look under the bed.
Maybe in the oven or th ewell.
In the bath or on the roof instead.
Check the cellar.
- He's mad!
- Now is our chance.
Find away to get him out.
- In the hamper.
- No.
He won't fit in there.
He's much too fat.
Let's see.
- I can fit with room to spare.
- I'll go and get the servants.
- Sir John!You here? You?
- I love you! I love you alone.
Rescue me! Rescue me!
- Hurry!
- Scurry!
- Hurry!
- Scurry!
Ow! ow!
- I'm in. Putthe lid down.
- Scamper! Fill up the hamper.
- Come here.
- What a din!
What could be in a ner?
Follow me, come on in.
Bed lam is saner.
Everyone is irate
From the push and shove.
- They're madly in hate.
- We're madly in love.
Follow me on tip toes.
We've entered the fort.
- We've put into port.
- Behind us are all woes.
- Be quiet till fruition.
- Put your head on to my chest!
- The partition...
- God has blessed!
Stop the thief!.
Snare the seducer!
- Found?
- No.
- Found?
- No, nothere.
- Turn the entire house inside out.
- I can't find him anymhere.
He must be in here somewhere.
I will be filled with glee
When you dangle from a tree.
Come out, lily liver!
Or bombs will make the wall shiver.
- Come out! Coward!Yellow chicken!
- Nobody's home!
Give your self up, fornicator!
- Not here!
- Come on out! Not here!
Gourmand! Glutton! Guzzler! Beware!
- Stomach gorger!
- Money forger!
Scoundrel!
- Found.
- Found.
If I catch you...
If I fetch you...
If I tackle you...
If I shackle you
I'll squash your guts out.
- I'll tan your hide like a dog!
- Knock your teeth out!
Say your prayers.
Say your Hail Mary's.
Let's pretend
To do the laundry
So he won't find us in a quandary
Around a blind bend.
Let's spirit him away
From all of this vexation.
Danger in small ration
Is the spice ofplay.
Until now he doesn'thave a clue.
He may put us in a pickle
But not in a stew.
Risk is a source ofjoy.
lt gives us a thrill.
It warms hearts that are coy
And gives spines a chill.
Here,you all.
I have found him.
In there I hear John Falstaff
Kissing my better half.
- You flea-bitten cur!
- Shut up! Shout later.
- I need air.
- Stay inside, stay inside.
- Oxygen!
- He's getting up pity.
We have to catch the dirty rat
While he's nibbling at the cheese.
Let's think this out.
- Laughing beauty!
- Our elders are busy.
- You've surrendered.
- The old folks are openly wrestling.
- Filled all requests I have tendered!
- We've been busy cosily nestling.
Love doesn'thear
The thunder when it roars.
It takes wing, gracefully soars
To a diviner sphere.
You will be on the right flank.
We on the left of a solid rank.
They'll employ a vigorous kick
And demolish this baill wick.
- Bravo, bravo, General.
- We'll await your signal.
The spirit of love
Looks down from above.
The rascal seems to require a fan.
A little air hole
For a suffocating man.
You get a gag
If you continue to nag.
- Down!
- Down!
Down!
Bring your ear closer.
Someone's moaning.
If he falls again, he's done.
No one can save him.
I hear, I grasp and plainly see
Femininewiles on the loose.
lf you run and stumble,
Straight to hell you'll tumble.
Their amusing game
Is in for a lesson soon.
He's singing now with lofty aim.
He'll change his tune.
- The sweet mating call.
- Tell me if you love me!
I love you.
- Get ready!
- I protest!
- The beastis restless!
- Eyes on me.
- Help!
- One.
- Help!
- Two.
- Help!
- Three.
- It's not him!
- Shiver my timbers!
Now you're revolting too.
Keep your paws off her!
We refuse your offer.
She's not for you.
- He's there! Stop him!
- Where?
- On the stairs.
- Cut him to bits!
What a satanic hunt!
Ned!Will! Tom! Isaac!
Come! Quicker! Quicker!
Empty the basket made of wicker.
Dump it in the ditch
Near the clump of grasses
Where you see the laundry lasses.
Yes, yes!
- There's a dead weight inside.
- Go and your husband seek.
We'll tell him our crazy story.
Just to see the knight in muddy glory
Will cure Ford of his jealous streak.
- Heavy!
- You can do it!
- The bottom cracked. He's sunk!
- Up!
- It's smashing!
- It's smashing!
Whats plashing!
Whats plashing!
Ker plunk!
Hey! Innkeeper!
Larcenous world!
World of ill design!
Treacherous world!
Please, inn keeper,
A tankard of mulled wine.
Did I live so many years as a knight,
A cavalier brave and undefeated,
In a basket to be thus secreted,
To be cast into the water
With last week's dirty washing.
Just as we do with cats
As well as their blind offspring.
If this impressive paunch
Had not kept my body floating
I would have drowned
An awful death.
From a watery bloating.
Wicked world.
No virtue is left.
It's all going down hill.
Go, John, old chap.
Just go your own way,
Hang in there until
Your death is nigh.
Andthen will disappear
All true man hood from the world.
What a day dark and drear.
O, Heaven help me!
I am getting too fat.
And my hair's streakedwith silver.
Let me pour a little wine
Into the Thames river.
Better.
To drink good wine
And unbutton in the sunlight
Is a sweet thing!
For good wine
Banishes the thoughts of night
And of dejection,
Lights up the eye and the mind,
From the lips makes
lt'sway up to the brain andthere
The little trill-creatorwakes.
A black cricket
Which chirps within a merry peasant.
Every fibre in the heart vibrates,
And the breezes pleasant
Leap at the trill,
And the joy ful world
Is shaken by a madness of trilling.
And the trill invades the world!
At your service.
The lovely Alice...
The Devil take the lovely Alice.
I've had enough of you all.
I'm sick to death of all this.
- You are mistaken.
- You little pest!
I still feel the stabbing
From that irate goat's horns.
And my bones are still throbbing
From being folded
Like a good Bilbao sword, squashing
In a basket with a woman's washing.
Suffocating in the heat!
A man of my dimension
Melting in a steady stream
Of dissolution!
Then,when I was well cooked,
Red hotand incandescent,
They dumped me in thewater.
The scoundrels!
She is innocent.
- She is innocent.You are mistaken.
- Go away!
The faultis with the servants.
Wretches! Alice weeps,
Laments, invokes the saints.
Poor, tortured lady!
She loves you.
Just read this.
- He's reading.
- I discern.
- He'll fall for it again.
- Men just never learn.
Now go and hide.
- He's reading it again.
- Yes, swallowing the bait.
I'll be expecting you
In the royal park at midnight
You must appear in the disguise
Of the Black Huntsman.
At the great oak of Heme.
Love loves a mysterious plan.
To see you again
Alice has turned to a legend
Much vaunted.
The place where that oak stands
Is haunted.
The sinister Black Huntsman
Hanged himself
From one of its branches strong.
Some people say
They have seen his ghost.
Come along.
We can talk better inside.
Tell me the tale that's written.
When all the sombre chimes
Of midnight're sound,
- He's bitten.
- Eerily echoing
- When the chimes of midnight're sound
- In the silent dark,
- Eerily echoing in the silent dark,
- Flocks of wandering spirits abound.
Flocks of wandering spirits
Rise up and abound
Andthe Black Huntsman
Descends upon the park.
He approaches slowly, slowly, slowly,
With the great lethargy
He brings from the tomb.
His black form comes nearer...
Oh! How unholy!
I feel a frisson offear
Right here in this room!
Fables which a grandma
Relates to small children
Spinning them outlonger
To hasten their dreams.
The vengeance of woman
Must not fail in these schemes.
His black form comes nearer
And his steps take him now
To the treewhere his evil soul
Fatally ended.
The fairies appear
And out of his cold brow
Project two long horns.
Very long.
Splendid.
Those horns will now be
The target of my sport.
Watch out!You also deserve
A punishment of some sort.
Forgive me.
I admit my faults with out reserve.
Beware if you come over
With a new ferocious urge
In a nut shell to conduct a search
For your own wife's lover.
But time is pressing
And calls for quick reflection.
- Hurry.
- Let's plan the masquerade.
- Nannetta!
- Here I am.
You shall be a fair maid,
The Fairy Queen, in pale confection.
Hidden in a pure white veil
And crowned with roses.
And I will sing words melodious.
You shall be
The greenwood nymph sprightly.
And Mistress Quickly
Awitch old and unsightly.
Marvellous!
I'll lead children small,
Dressed as elves,
And sprites, and imps,
And bats, and goblins.
And Falstaff,
With horns and mantle as disguises,
Will be ambushed by all.
- Us all.
- Us all.
And we will all torment him
Until he has confessed
His deep depravity.
Then we'll unmask before him
And before the sun rises
Our merry band of jest
Will return from the tree.
Night is falling. Let's go home.
Our rendez vous tonight
Is at the oak of Herne.
- Agreed.
- How witty!
To scare him will be our delight.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
And don't forget the lanterns.
You need have no fear.
You shall wed my daughter pretty.
Her planned at tire
You still can cite?
Crowned with roses,
A white veil and gown.
Don't forget the masks.
Never fear.
Don't you forget the rattles.
I've already positioned
That net of mine.
When the fun has died down
With your faces covered
Return to me here.
She with her veil,
You with a monk's habit.
And I will then bless
The match you've petitioned.
- We're agreed.
- Don't bank on it.
Nannetta! Hey!
Nannetta! Hey!
What's up? What's up?
Be sure to prepare your fairy melody.
It's all ready.
Don't you be late.
The first to arrive will wait.
My lips send forth on wings
My song ecstatic
Into the silence of the night
Far distant.
At length
It finds the lips of one expectant
Who to my call responds
With her own music.
And then the note,
Which is alone no longer,
Vibrates with joy
In a harmonious mystery.
It fills the pre-dawn air
With loving beauty
Then to its source returns
With new voice stronger.
There the sound grows again
And its preoccupation
Is that which is still divided
To unite.
And that is why
I kissed those lips inviting.
"Lips that are kissed
Lose none of their attraction."
"No, it is born a new,
Just like the moonlight."
"And yet the song dies
- In the kiss uniting."
- "Just like the moonlight."
No, Sir!
You must pu ton this wrap.
- What's all this about?
- Do as we say.
Wear this.
He is an escaped friar
From La Trappe.
The base betrayal
With which Ford threatens us
Must now be turned against him
To our profit.
- Explain yourself.
- Just do as I say now, be tacit.
Such opportunities
We must seize and tap.
Who will you disguise as the bride?
Ascoundrel, red-nosed and impious
Hated by Dr. Caius.
I've planted the imps a long the road.
We're ready.
Quiet!
- Here comes the fat toad.
- Go!
- Go!
- Go!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seventh stroke.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Eleven.
Twelve.
It is midnight.
This is the oak.
Ye gods, come and protectme.
Jove.
You changed in to a bull
For Europa,whom you did love.
You too wore horns.
The gods reveal to us humility.
Love draws out of a man
His fundamental bestiality.
I hear a gentle footstep.
Alice! Love is now calling.
Come, love inflames me so.
- Sir John!
- You are my darling.
- Sir John!
- And you are my doe.
- O scintillating love.
- Come, I'm trembling and ardent.
- Sir John!
- I am your servant.
And I am your impatient stag.
By Jove.
Let it rain truffles,
Fennel or radish.
They shall be my pasture.
And let love flourish.
- We are alone.
- No.
There in the forest dense
Meg is following me.
A double adventure.
Lether come too!
Tear me apart
Like a roast chamois immense.
Tear me to shreds!
Cupid,
Give me long-due recompense.
I love you, I always did!
I love you!
I love you!
- Help me!
- Someone cried out.Alas!
The spirits are coming!
- Alas. Letus be hid.
- But where?
Heaven forgive me
Where I have transgressed.
The Devil
Won'tcondemn me Hell to infest.
Nymphs! Elves!
Sylphs! Dryads! Sirens!
The star of enchantment
Now lights up the skies.
Arise!
Shadows serene!
- Nymphs, sylphs.
- It is the fairies.
- Who ever sees them, dies.
- Sirens.
Let us advance.
There he is.
Lying on the ground.
Terrified. Sick with fear.
Trying to hide.
- But don't laugh.
- No, don't laugh.
Behind me here, all of you.
- Le tus begin.
- Over to you.
On wings of a most fragrant breeze
Fly, all you spirits sprightly.
Shimmering light
Seeps through the trees
As the moon rises brightly.
Dance then!
Let your steps inviting
Mingle with music sweet.
Magically reuniting
The song and your tripping feet.
The wood is reposing,
Exhaling aromatic shade.
Are fuge green imposing.
Adeep-sea home
The air has made.
Let'swander beneath the moon,
Selecting flowers at random.
The heart of every blossom
Encapsulates its fortune.
With lilies and with violets
Let us write names in secret,
Our hands led by enchantment.
May words spring forth and take root.
Adorned with light which mixes
Pure silver and pure gold.
With poems and charms.
The pixies
Use flowers as their code.
Under the shimmering moonlight
We advance one by one.
To the dark oaktree, the site
- Of the Black Huntsman.
- The pixies
- Use flowers as their code.
- The oak of the Black Huntsman.
- Stop there!
- Who is it?
- Mercy!
- lt's a male.
With horns like a steer.
- As fat as a whale.
- As big as a cruiser.
- Get up, come on.
- Bring me a crane here.
- I can't.
- What a bruiser.
- He's corrupted.
- He's corrupted!
- He'stainted!
- He'stainted!
Let's perform an exorcism.
Try to avoid your peril.
Dr. Caius is looking for you.
- Let's seek outa place to hide.
- Then come back quickly when I shout.
Sprites! Elves! Goblins!Vampires!
Nimble insects
From the swamps of Hell!
Nip him!
Sting him with nettles!
- Harass him with your pointed snouts!
- Yuck!
You stink justlike a polecat.
Roll over, roll over!
Roll over, roll over!
Roll over, roll over, roll over!
Pinch him, pinch him,
Pinch him, prick him,
Nibble him, nibble him,
Sting him, peck him,
Sting him, peck him,
Until he howls!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Rattle castanets and whips!
Cover him with muddy drips.
We dance farandoles about him,
Farandoles on his stouttum.
Mosquitoes to battle fly.
Use your darts. Make him cry!
Make him bellow and cry!
Pinch him, prick him.
Nibble him, sting him, peck him.
Sting him, peck him
Until he howls.
Ow, ow, ow ow!
Get him from top to toe.
Squash and crush his ego.
Pinch him.
Pull out his nails.
Pinch him, prick him.
Pinch him, prick him.
Pinch him, prick him.
Roll over, roll over!
Pinch him, prick him!
- Villain!
- Poltroon!
- Glutton!
- Buffoon!
- Boozer!
- Loser!
Down on your knees!
- Potbelly!
- Flabby jelly!
- Bed hopper!
- Clothes popper!
- Barrel swiller!
- Chair killer!
- Mare crippler!
- Chin tripler!
- Say you repent!
- Say you repent!
- I do! I'm done in!
- Fraudulent gent!
Ow, ow, I repent!
- On trouble you're bent.
- Ow, ow, I repent!
Old goat!
Scrounger! Braggart!
- Forgive me!
- Your life now re think.
- Of brandy you stink.
- Lord, make him chaste.
- Potbelly!
- But spare my bread basket.
Lord, make his man hood waste.
- Potbelly!
- But spare my bread basket.
- Lord, punish him,we ask it.
- Barrel swiller!
But spare my bread basket.
Lord, punish him,we ask it.
- Chair killer!
- But spare my bread basket.
Globe of impurity,
- Answer me.
- Serves me right.
Mount of obesity,
Answer me.
- Serves me right.
- Wine skin of malmsy.
- Answer me.
- So it be.
- Corpulence.
- Abhorrence.
- Cuckold dense.
- Abhorrence.
- Knavery, villainy.
- Ow, so it be.
Knavery, villainy.
And now may the Devil take you away.
Hell fire, sulphur and brimstone burn!
Bardolph I discern.
Scarlet nose!
Wattle nose!
Pointed beak!
Red-nosed freak!
Salamander! Fireball!
Half wit!
Smelly kipper!
Hell's roasting spit!
Vampire! Basilisk!
Rogue! Bounder!
I have spoken.
And if I lie I will risk
My sword belt bursting asunder.
Bravo!
A pause would be welcome.
I am tired.
Come, in the white veil be attired.
And while you get your breath back,
Look.
Sir John, tell me:
Who's been the cuck old all along?
- Yes, who?
- Yes, who?
Yes, who?
Has the cat got your tongue?
Dear Mr. Brook.
The name you give is wrong.
This is Ford.
My own true husband.
- My dear gent.
- At your service.
You believed two women
Could be so short-sighted,
So blighted,
As to yield body and soul
To God's Opponent
For an old fat so,
Obese and scabby.
With that awful, bald pate.
And so terribly flabby.
They speak plainly.
I'm beginning to realise
That you've made an ass of me,
Truly.
- An old stag.
- An ox.
Ha! Ha!
- And a monster unruly.
- Astag!
- A monster unruly.
- An ox!Astag!
- An ox.
- A monster unruly.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
For every sort of common folk
I'm a source of amusement.
They revel in it.
Yet with out me
People would have now it.
To spice their life
Would have no joke.
I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one
Who prompts witin you.
My art fulness
Inspires witin others too.
- Yes, bravo.
- By the gods!
If I weren't laughing,
I'd flatten you.
Enough, then.
Now to me lend your ear.
We will crown our masquerade
With the marriage of our maid,
The lovely Fairy Queen dear.
Look, the bridal couple
Approach the dell.
- Attention!
- Attention!
There she is, all white and fair.
Veiled, with roses in her hair.
With the bride groom
Onw hom my choice fell.
Form a circle round them, nymphs.
Two more young lovers,
A couple full of passion,
Have asked to join the happy occasion
And marry.
So be it.
The feast two weddings covers.
Please bring the lanterns.
Heaven marriage on you confers.
Remove the masks and veils.
See your transformation!
- How awful!
- Betrayal!
A transformation!
My daughter and Fenton.
I have married Bardolph!
- How awful!
- Victory!
Hip hurrah! Hip hurrah!
An amazing turn.
Man is often hoist
With his own petard
Set by his own malice.
Now tell me, pray, dear Mr. Ford,
The laughing stock is who?
- Him.
- You.
- You.
- Them.
- Both of you.
- No.
All of the three.
Turn round
And look at their charming confusion.
Forgive us, Father, for the delusion.
He who cannot avoid duress
Must take it in good part.
I accept your marriage from my heart.
And may Heaven this union bless.
Hip hurrah!
A chorus with which to end our play.
Then the party's on Sir Falstaff,
I would say.
Hip hurrah!
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
Man was born as a joke.
ln his head his reason is buffeted
Like wind-blown smoke.
Man was born as a joke.
All of Creation's a farce.
All of Creation's a farce.
- Life is a game, life is a game.
- All of Creation's a farce.
- Life is a game, life is a game.
- All of Creation's a farce.
- Life is a game.
- Every one ridicules ever yone else.
But he who has the last laugh
Laughs longest.
But he who has the last laugh
Laughs longest.
Everyone ridicules everyone else.
But he who has the last laugh
Laughs longest.
Life is a game.
Life is a game.