Faith (2019) - full transcript
♪ Cumbered with a load of care?
♪ Precious Savior
Still our refuge
♪ Take it to the Lord in prayer
♪ Do thy friends despise
♪ Forsake thee?
♪ Take it to the Lord in prayer
♪ In his arms
♪ He'll take and shield thee
♪ Thou wilt
find a solace there ♪
We ask this in Your name. Amen.
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing?
Reading.
How was it?
Good. You should have come.
Yesterday's mass was
enough for me. Thank you.
It would be easier to get
him to come if you came, too.
He's a teenager, Chris.
Did you enjoy going to church
when you were his age?
No. But my mom made me
and it worked.
He just... He needs
some responsibilities.
That's all I'm saying.
Church is good for him.
I'd like to leave no later
than 5:00 tonight.
I don't want to go.
Well, you didn't go this morning.
So you'll go tonight.
Why?
Because we go to church
in this house, David.
- Fuck that.
- Hey! Hey!
- Don't you walk away from me.
- Don't touch me.
Hey, this is my house so
you'll do what I say.
Get off!
Get off me...
Chris!
Don't touch me... Mmm!
Motherfucker!
Get off me, you...
Fucker!
I'll see you later.
We've all felt that
burden before, haven't we, church? Hmm?
That weight. Not enough
money to pay the bills.
What are we going to do?
I really feel like
taking a drink.
What am I going to do?
I have lust in my heart, Jesus.
And I want to act on it.
What am I going to?
My child.
My child is doing troubling things.
What am I going to do?
David?
Hey.
You left your music on.
David, wake up. Hey?
Hey, David. You fell asleep.
Dave! Dave! David!
David! David!
David! David! David, wake up!
Wake up!
Buddy, come on. Hey, boy. David!
David, wake up! Wake up, buddy.
Carol! Carol!
Carol, get down here!
Oh, no!
- Boy, what did you do? What did you...
- What...
What happened? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What did he do? Is he breathing?
No, No. Call 911. Go!
Come on!
God! Come on. Come on!
My husband, he's doing CPR.
Why did you stop? Keep going.
Keep going.
Chris...
I'm so sorry.
Thanks for coming.
God bless you, Chris.
God bless you.
Carol. Carol, I'm so sorry.
I'd like to pray for you.
Would you like that?
Please.
Dear Heavenly Father,
we come to you this evening
with a very heavy hearts, Lord.
We come to you, pleading for your
guidance and your strength, Lord God.
Our brother and sister
have experienced a great loss.
The greatest loss.
And their hearts ache.
They need your love
and your grace.
We ask you to give them
the peace they need, dear Jesus.
Give them the strength
to face this.
Give them the strength
to move forward.
Touch them, dear Jesus.
Give them the peace they need.
Amen.
Don't!
Carol, don't.
I just can't.
Carol, I need you here.
Carol!
How long this time?
I don't know.
I just think it's better if I'm
not here for a little bit, okay?
Chris, my boy! How are you?
Chris?
David's gone, Dad.
What do you
mean gone?
He killed himself, Dad.
What? Why?
Well, he was sick.
He was?
Yeah, like Carol.
You knew that.
I never...
I never thought about that.
How are you holding up?
I don't know.
I'm on my way.
I don't know if I can get
away to come get you, Dad.
Don't worry about that.
I'll figure out a way down there.
- I'll take a bus if I have to.
- No.
I don't want you to do that.
I said,
don't worry about it.
Just know that I'm...
I'm on my way.
And I'm praying for you.
I love you, Dad.
I'll be there soon.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Thank you, Jesus.
...safe. And as they become older,
they become more and more close to you.
Help him now to discover you.
They need you to keep them safe.
Help them make their own decisions
as they go into crossroads.
Because he hardly knows
your priest, Carol.
How many times
has he been to mass?
Pastor Vann actually sat with him.
He prayed with him.
No.
No, of...
Look, someone's here.
I gotta go.
No.
Just... I'll call you later.
- Dad!
- Hey, boy.
Hey, come on in.
- How'd you get here?
- Bus.
Oh, no. Was it okay?
Well, bus ridin' hadn't
changed much in my lifetime.
Wasn't pleasant when I was a kid.
Not much different now.
Well, I could've picked you up
at the station at least.
- No need for that.
- Come on in, here, take a seat.
- Let me hit the bathroom.
- Okay.
- You want some coffee?
- Oh, yeah. That'd be great.
All right.
Hey, Dad.
Got a fresh pot.
Oh, good. That sounds good.
Here you go.
Where's Carol?
Oh, she's at her folks'
for a bit.
Oh.
Yeah, it's been hard.
Yeah, well...
You did everything you could.
- I just feel like I failed him, Dad.
- Well...
Of course you do.
But you're wrong.
This was never in your hands.
- You took him to a doctor, didn't you?
- Yeah.
Well, there you go.
And you spent hours praying for him
and you had the church pray for him.
You did what
you were supposed to do.
Look...
This may be wrong of me to say,
but you were fighting an uphill battle.
I mean...
Carol is a good person...
but she has a lot of problems,
am I right?
That's all I'm saying.
Key here is for you to
hold on to the Lord.
That's what's
gonna keep you going.
I'm struggling a bit, Dad.
You're human.
God understands that.
But you gotta keep fighting.
We'll get you through this.
I need to get a suit for David.
He's got to look nice.
He didn't have anything like that.
You want to help me
pick one out?
Yeah, absolutely.
Ah, I wish they wouldn't
show that kind of stuff.
Just really filthy.
There we go.
Let's see what the liberals
are up to.
Dad...
Do you still miss Mom?
Of course I do.
We should have had a lot more
good years together.
- It gets easier, though, right?
- Well...
I know I'll see her again
in heaven.
That makes it easier.
But it was different.
We knew it was coming.
Do you think David's in hell?
No.
Don't do that to yourself.
Look...
We don't know.
Right then and there
in David's last moment,
he could have felt Jesus' touch.
Asked him into his heart,
and felt his forgiveness.
And I'm gonna believe that's
what happened.
That boy was raised
in the church.
In his heart he knew what was right.
He knew he needed to get back to Jesus.
And you know
that, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, then.
Hold onto that thought.
Don't let your mind go there.
That's just the devil
trying to test your faith.
Mmm?
Oh...
Why don't you let me drive?
- No, it's all right.
- Come on, let me drive. Seriously.
Thanks.
Looks like a good turnout.
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
Hey.
You did a good job
with the suit.
He looks
really handsome.
That one's good.
You did a good job.
I know, son.
I know.
Hi. Nice to see you.
That was a
nice service, it really was.
Clearly, David touched
a lot of people's lives.
Take some peace of mind
from that.
Oh, man,
I'll tell you...
That Carol's father is
some piece of work.
Maybe he hasn't heard...
I think I'll head up to bed.
Okay. Need anything?
No, I'm good.
I think I'll head back tomorrow.
- If it's okay with you.
- Of course.
I've just got some guy coming
to fix the bathroom and...
Dad, it's fine.
- Do you want me to drive you back?
- No.
Bus is fine.
I love you.
And I'll be back
as soon as you need me.
I know.
Good night.
Good night.
Bye, Dad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry, I woulda called...
Where are your folks?
Mass.
You didn't want to go?
Why aren't you at church?
I didn't feel like it.
You want something to drink?
Yeah, sure.
We have iced tea.
Yeah. That's fine.
Thanks.
Are you okay?
The trees are looking good.
You expecting a big crop?
Oh, they're still pretty young.
You can't expect
too much from it.
- Doing pretty well.
- Hmm.
Carol working?
No, she's actually staying
with her parents for a bit.
I'm sorry I missed
church last week.
I was actually with Carol.
Hmm. Good.
Well, I just wanted to make sure
you are holding up okay.
- How are your kids doing?
- Great.
Marcy's in uh...
Eighth grade.
Lawrence is in 5th.
Yeah.
Scary times.
How do you feel about them?
How do I feel about them?
Just like any other parent.
I love them.
I worry about them.
You ever hate them?
No.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
I get frustrated certainly.
I don't hate them.
When we first got pregnant,
everyone told me how easy it is
to love your children.
And it's true.
I mean, you care for them
more than anything.
You'd do anything for 'em.
But nobody told me how easy
it is to hate them.
You didn't hate David.
You might have
gotten angry at him,
but you didn't hate him.
There were a lot of times
I knew my life would be
easier if he were dead.
Well, that's your guilt talking.
It's getting the best of you
and you can't let it.
You've got to offer
all this up to God.
I do, it's just not...
it's just not helping.
We all have doubts, Chris.
There's no shame in it.
I actually believe it makes our
communion with God stronger.
So just stop looking.
What does that mean?
He's here, Chris.
You know he's here.
But you're looking for him
so desperately
you can't even feel it.
It's like it's not even
spiritual anymore.
It becomes a game where God
has to prove himself to you
like he's
some kind of a magician
operating a parlor game.
That's not communion.
That's not your
relationship with God.
That's a fool's errand.
So just stop looking.
He's here.
Do whatever it is you're doing.
Help Carol through this.
Work the farm.
Play that violin in church.
Be in the world
and stay connected.
It'll come.
I guarantee it. It will come.
She's got a bad back.
She cannot work.
She cannot get the disability
because it's such a nightmare.
Really?
No, I'm saying
she can get it,
but it just takes forever.
Meanwhile, you've got
some girl down in Inglewood
who's got four different
baby-daddies,
she's driving around in
an Escalade
paid for by my tax dollars.
Right. And complaining
she needs more money.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What do we do?
What do you mean?
Should we have another baby?
Is that what you want?
Why do you think he did it?
- I don't...
- Don't you...
No, I know. I know.
How can you not think about it?
How he probably thought
that everything was so dark
and there was no way
it was gonna change?
Is that how you feel?
Sometimes.
You don't?
I'm not bipolar.
Oh, God.
What?
How can you say that?
No, I wasn't saying anything...
I know he was sick
because of me.
I know it came from me.
I don't need you to remind me.
I'm not reminding you
of anything, Carol.
You don't have any guilt?
Of course I do.
Because the last time
I saw you with our son,
you were pinning him
up against the wall.
Stop it!
I need help going
through David's stuff.
I don't know what to do with it.
When are you coming back?
I don't think I am.
What?
I just can't be there right now.
You just asked me
to have another kid.
How was that
supposed to work?
I don't know, okay?
I don't...
Just... take me back
to my parents'.
Fine.
Hey, boy.
Hey, Dad.
I'm not taking you away
from anything, am I?
No, no. Not at all.
Uh, so did you get
the bathroom fixed?
Uh...
That moron wants
to charge an arm and a leg.
I don't think he knows
what he's doing, anyway.
Isn't there someone else
you can call?
I don't know...
So... how you doin'?
Yeah, well, it never goes away.
Yeah.
Are you praying?
Every day.
Going to church?
Chris?
I missed a few weeks.
Oh, son.
I know.
This is the most important time
for you to be there.
I know, Dad.
You need to be
around your church family.
You need to feel their
love and support.
Yeah. You're...
You're right.
God's everywhere, but...
Church is where
we feel Him the strongest.
Do you want me
to come down there?
No, Dad. I don't want
you to do that.
I'll go this week,
I promise. Okay?
Yeah.
All right. Good.
Talk later. Bye.
Bye, Dad.
Hello?
Chris, it's Pastor.
Oh, hi, Pastor.
Missed you at church today.
Yeah, sorry.
I had to get the oxen out of the ditch.
Of course. Of course.
Listen, a few of us
are grabbing lunch
and I wanted to see
if you wanted to join us.
No pressure.
Nothing fancy.
Just fellowship
and a few laughs.
Remember what we talked about?
Stay connected.
Be in the world.
...to college, you know,
in Santa Barbara, so...
I kind of slowly weaned myself
off of that daily routine
and getting up at 4:00
in the morning,
going running and,
you know, so...
Do you ever
get to a stage
where you feel like, okay,
I'm here for the long haul?
Like, I'm not going anywhere?
Absolutely. I think
if you have, um...
If you had the proper
motivation with it,
or if you had, um...
your platoon was, uh,
a good team, network,
and you knew that you're gonna
be able to have that support,
yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, you knew,
you know, no matter
what they threw at you,
you're gonna be able
to make it, so...
What are you doing here?
I tried calling.
I felt bad about
the other night.
It's all right.
I know. I still felt bad.
You didn't have to come here
to say that, you know.
Are you drinking?
Beer?
Since when do you drink beer?
I've drank beer before.
When?
Before we were married.
What?
Just always been so judgmental
of anyone who drank.
My mom would have
a glass of wine with dinner,
you'd be sending her to hell.
It passes the time.
And it feels good.
I still don't know what
to do with David's stuff.
He's got
all these notebooks...
You wanna come inside?
Yeah.
Everyone says the same thing...
"You have to keep going.
"Keep living."
I keep thinking, "Why?"
It's okay.
Come on.
Morning.
What?
I thought we had
a good night last night.
This is just how it is, Chris.
How are you still
surprised by it?
I don't know.
Why do you still have
that up in here?
- What?
- The cross.
Should I take it down?
It's the only Catholic thing
we have in this house.
I like it.
You want some coffee?
I should probably just go home.
I'm gonna head out.
Don't act like you know
what it's like.
'Cause you don't.
And it ain't gonna change.
Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up
and feel like this,
just like Mom.
Just like mom.
And it ain't gonna
fucking change.
Why?
Can you hear me?
Why?
Please, somebody answer me!
Please!
We're really doing
a lot of wonderful things
in the women's ministry,
with lots more exciting things
to come.
We are currently looking for
locations for our annual retreat.
So if anybody
has any ideas.
Who is it?
Hi, Chris.
We're sorry to do this to you,
but we felt that it was that important.
They called
and told me what was going on.
Why didn't you tell me?
Your dad's a good man.
Tell us how you're feeling.
I feel the same.
Can you be more specific?
I don't know.
It's like I'm powerless.
You mean, why is God
doing this to you?
Yes.
Well, Chris,
it may not seem like it
but God isn't
doing anything to you.
God doesn't make things
happen to us.
Think about it.
People out there
are getting cancer,
people lose their jobs,
people struggle with drugs,
alcohol,
I see it every day.
Well, none of that
happened to me.
My son killed himself because
he has a disease in his brain.
I needed God then
and I need him now.
- Where is he?
- So what are you doing?
Let me ask you
this, Chris.
When you think back
through your good decisions,
all the good things
that you've done in your life,
how many of them came at a time
when you felt connected
to God?
Most of them.
And the bad decisions?
I don't know,
maybe marrying Carol and having
David was a bad decision.
Ugh.
No, it was not.
Marriage is good.
Family is good.
You didn't know
what was gonna happen.
Maybe, I don't know.
You think God brought us all
here today, Chris?
I don't think it matters.
But, son, you have been
in church your whole life.
You've had a close relationship
with Jesus since you were a boy.
- I know.
- As did me, as did your mom.
This is who you are,
it's who we are.
If we don't have this,
what have we got?
Where do we go?
Where do we go?
It's just not important.
Not important?
Wow, Chris, I gotta tell you,
I've been sitting here
and you don't sound like
somebody looking for something.
You sound like somebody
trying to keep everything out.
That's right.
Because David...
David will still be gone
tomorrow,
and next week and next month
and next year.
Where is your ability to deal
with that going to come from?
Amen.
God can't change what happened.
And I wish he could.
But He will make your life
so much better each day
that you'd choose to connect
with Him.
You believe
your mother's in heaven, right?
Yeah, of course.
Well, I believe,
we all believe...
David's there, too.
And we'll get to see him again
if we put our trust
and our faith in God.
I'm sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
That's why God brought us here.
Amen.
Take care.
Don't forget that violin
on Sunday.
I won't.
You promise?
We miss you up there.
Yeah, I promise.
Great.
That's just great.
Bye.
Thank you.
Feel better?
Yeah.
I wish you would have called me when
that whole drinking thing started.
I've been down that path before.
Straightened right out.
I was just embarrassed.
Sorry to ambush you
like that.
- It had to be done.
- I know.
I... gotta hit the bathroom
again.
Did you ever go see a doctor?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
There's a cup there for you.
Thank you.
Mm.
I'll be out in the truck, Chris.
Okay, Dad, I'll be down
in a minute.
- Ready?
- Oh, yeah.
You've really done well,
with this farm, Chris,
it's really something.
Thanks, Dad.
All right, let's go.
Always good to go to church.
Especially since I don't get
to go much anymore.
They got a new pastor.
I don't think much of him.
But you,
that's good.
♪ When pangs of death
seized on my soul
♪ Unto the Lord I cried
♪ Till Jesus came
and made me whole
♪ I would not be denied
♪ I would not be denied
♪ I would not be denied
♪ Till Jesus came
and made me whole
♪ I would not be denied
♪ As Jacob in the days of old
♪ I wrestled with the Lord
♪ And instant
with a courage bold
♪ I stood upon His word ♪
On that note, I would like
to ask the deacons
to come down to the front,
please.
Thank you.
I would also like
to invite anyone,
anyone, you could be a member
of this church,
or this could be your first time
here with us today,
to come down,
get anointed with oil.
Whatever it is you're dealing
with right now,
whether it's problems at work
or in your marriage
or if it's health problems,
we want you to come down
and feel the touch of God,
the healing of the Holy Spirit.
You let the Spirit
flow through you,
open yourself up to it.
Thank you, Jesus.
Holy Spirit,
you know,
Christopher's burden here today
and we ask you to fill his body
with Your Grace.
We ask you to touch his body
and his mind.
Let him feel your presence
and your power.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Jesus.
- Thank you, Jesus.
Did you feel that?
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
- Can you feel that?
- Thank you, Jesus.
Spirit, Spirit has moved you!
- Thank you, Jesus.
- The Spirit is moving through here today.
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Yes. I can feel the Spirit's
moving here today,
when the Spirit, when the Spirit
is moving like this,
I know
that God is talking to us
and I know that there
is a message for us.
Amen.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Can everyone feel that?
Can everyone feel that?
I have to use the bathroom.
That's Jesus.
He... is with us
everywhere we go.
Every day.
He is here with us,
when we're making our breakfast,
we are home running a bath,
when we're arguing
with our loved ones,
he's there.
He is there, always.
Always.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus.
How are you feeling?
I'm good.
How are you?
About the same.
- My dad's here again.
- Oh, yeah? Why?
I haven't been going to church.
Protestants?
Yeah, It's like I'm 19 again.
Mm.
Not quite.
- Have you been going to mass?
- Yeah, I went today.
Does it help?
Yeah, I guess.
How?
Oh, I feel pretty
shitty and empty
most of the time.
It's nice to feel something else
for 45 minutes.
It would feel weird not to go,
gone my whole life.
Is that why you came?
Ask me about church?
I really want you
to come back home.
- I'm serious.
- I know.
Well?
I don't think you really want me
around.
- Yes, I do.
- Yeah, why?
Who else understands
what I'm going through?
Who else understands
what you're going through?
We're just gonna be alone
in this?
This is it.
We've got this, us.
Does it really make you feel
better having me around?
Yeah.
Because it makes you
feel less guilty
or because you love me?
Chris?
Both.
I had to use the bathroom
one more time.
I ain't using no bus toilet.
- Travel light?
- You never forget your military training,
let me tell you that.
Still afraid of KP duty.
Yeah.
You felt the Spirit move,
didn't you?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Good.
I saw a place
not far from my parents.
Rather pitch a tent
under that tree than do that.
Oh, come on.
No weekend cookouts with my dad?
Oh, my God.
Here, just put it next to the...
I'll get the rest.
♪ Precious Savior
Still our refuge
♪ Take it to the Lord in prayer
♪ Do thy friends despise
♪ Forsake thee?
♪ Take it to the Lord in prayer
♪ In his arms
♪ He'll take and shield thee
♪ Thou wilt
find a solace there ♪
We ask this in Your name. Amen.
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing?
Reading.
How was it?
Good. You should have come.
Yesterday's mass was
enough for me. Thank you.
It would be easier to get
him to come if you came, too.
He's a teenager, Chris.
Did you enjoy going to church
when you were his age?
No. But my mom made me
and it worked.
He just... He needs
some responsibilities.
That's all I'm saying.
Church is good for him.
I'd like to leave no later
than 5:00 tonight.
I don't want to go.
Well, you didn't go this morning.
So you'll go tonight.
Why?
Because we go to church
in this house, David.
- Fuck that.
- Hey! Hey!
- Don't you walk away from me.
- Don't touch me.
Hey, this is my house so
you'll do what I say.
Get off!
Get off me...
Chris!
Don't touch me... Mmm!
Motherfucker!
Get off me, you...
Fucker!
I'll see you later.
We've all felt that
burden before, haven't we, church? Hmm?
That weight. Not enough
money to pay the bills.
What are we going to do?
I really feel like
taking a drink.
What am I going to do?
I have lust in my heart, Jesus.
And I want to act on it.
What am I going to?
My child.
My child is doing troubling things.
What am I going to do?
David?
Hey.
You left your music on.
David, wake up. Hey?
Hey, David. You fell asleep.
Dave! Dave! David!
David! David!
David! David! David, wake up!
Wake up!
Buddy, come on. Hey, boy. David!
David, wake up! Wake up, buddy.
Carol! Carol!
Carol, get down here!
Oh, no!
- Boy, what did you do? What did you...
- What...
What happened? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What did he do? Is he breathing?
No, No. Call 911. Go!
Come on!
God! Come on. Come on!
My husband, he's doing CPR.
Why did you stop? Keep going.
Keep going.
Chris...
I'm so sorry.
Thanks for coming.
God bless you, Chris.
God bless you.
Carol. Carol, I'm so sorry.
I'd like to pray for you.
Would you like that?
Please.
Dear Heavenly Father,
we come to you this evening
with a very heavy hearts, Lord.
We come to you, pleading for your
guidance and your strength, Lord God.
Our brother and sister
have experienced a great loss.
The greatest loss.
And their hearts ache.
They need your love
and your grace.
We ask you to give them
the peace they need, dear Jesus.
Give them the strength
to face this.
Give them the strength
to move forward.
Touch them, dear Jesus.
Give them the peace they need.
Amen.
Don't!
Carol, don't.
I just can't.
Carol, I need you here.
Carol!
How long this time?
I don't know.
I just think it's better if I'm
not here for a little bit, okay?
Chris, my boy! How are you?
Chris?
David's gone, Dad.
What do you
mean gone?
He killed himself, Dad.
What? Why?
Well, he was sick.
He was?
Yeah, like Carol.
You knew that.
I never...
I never thought about that.
How are you holding up?
I don't know.
I'm on my way.
I don't know if I can get
away to come get you, Dad.
Don't worry about that.
I'll figure out a way down there.
- I'll take a bus if I have to.
- No.
I don't want you to do that.
I said,
don't worry about it.
Just know that I'm...
I'm on my way.
And I'm praying for you.
I love you, Dad.
I'll be there soon.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Thank you, Jesus.
...safe. And as they become older,
they become more and more close to you.
Help him now to discover you.
They need you to keep them safe.
Help them make their own decisions
as they go into crossroads.
Because he hardly knows
your priest, Carol.
How many times
has he been to mass?
Pastor Vann actually sat with him.
He prayed with him.
No.
No, of...
Look, someone's here.
I gotta go.
No.
Just... I'll call you later.
- Dad!
- Hey, boy.
Hey, come on in.
- How'd you get here?
- Bus.
Oh, no. Was it okay?
Well, bus ridin' hadn't
changed much in my lifetime.
Wasn't pleasant when I was a kid.
Not much different now.
Well, I could've picked you up
at the station at least.
- No need for that.
- Come on in, here, take a seat.
- Let me hit the bathroom.
- Okay.
- You want some coffee?
- Oh, yeah. That'd be great.
All right.
Hey, Dad.
Got a fresh pot.
Oh, good. That sounds good.
Here you go.
Where's Carol?
Oh, she's at her folks'
for a bit.
Oh.
Yeah, it's been hard.
Yeah, well...
You did everything you could.
- I just feel like I failed him, Dad.
- Well...
Of course you do.
But you're wrong.
This was never in your hands.
- You took him to a doctor, didn't you?
- Yeah.
Well, there you go.
And you spent hours praying for him
and you had the church pray for him.
You did what
you were supposed to do.
Look...
This may be wrong of me to say,
but you were fighting an uphill battle.
I mean...
Carol is a good person...
but she has a lot of problems,
am I right?
That's all I'm saying.
Key here is for you to
hold on to the Lord.
That's what's
gonna keep you going.
I'm struggling a bit, Dad.
You're human.
God understands that.
But you gotta keep fighting.
We'll get you through this.
I need to get a suit for David.
He's got to look nice.
He didn't have anything like that.
You want to help me
pick one out?
Yeah, absolutely.
Ah, I wish they wouldn't
show that kind of stuff.
Just really filthy.
There we go.
Let's see what the liberals
are up to.
Dad...
Do you still miss Mom?
Of course I do.
We should have had a lot more
good years together.
- It gets easier, though, right?
- Well...
I know I'll see her again
in heaven.
That makes it easier.
But it was different.
We knew it was coming.
Do you think David's in hell?
No.
Don't do that to yourself.
Look...
We don't know.
Right then and there
in David's last moment,
he could have felt Jesus' touch.
Asked him into his heart,
and felt his forgiveness.
And I'm gonna believe that's
what happened.
That boy was raised
in the church.
In his heart he knew what was right.
He knew he needed to get back to Jesus.
And you know
that, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, then.
Hold onto that thought.
Don't let your mind go there.
That's just the devil
trying to test your faith.
Mmm?
Oh...
Why don't you let me drive?
- No, it's all right.
- Come on, let me drive. Seriously.
Thanks.
Looks like a good turnout.
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
Hey.
You did a good job
with the suit.
He looks
really handsome.
That one's good.
You did a good job.
I know, son.
I know.
Hi. Nice to see you.
That was a
nice service, it really was.
Clearly, David touched
a lot of people's lives.
Take some peace of mind
from that.
Oh, man,
I'll tell you...
That Carol's father is
some piece of work.
Maybe he hasn't heard...
I think I'll head up to bed.
Okay. Need anything?
No, I'm good.
I think I'll head back tomorrow.
- If it's okay with you.
- Of course.
I've just got some guy coming
to fix the bathroom and...
Dad, it's fine.
- Do you want me to drive you back?
- No.
Bus is fine.
I love you.
And I'll be back
as soon as you need me.
I know.
Good night.
Good night.
Bye, Dad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry, I woulda called...
Where are your folks?
Mass.
You didn't want to go?
Why aren't you at church?
I didn't feel like it.
You want something to drink?
Yeah, sure.
We have iced tea.
Yeah. That's fine.
Thanks.
Are you okay?
The trees are looking good.
You expecting a big crop?
Oh, they're still pretty young.
You can't expect
too much from it.
- Doing pretty well.
- Hmm.
Carol working?
No, she's actually staying
with her parents for a bit.
I'm sorry I missed
church last week.
I was actually with Carol.
Hmm. Good.
Well, I just wanted to make sure
you are holding up okay.
- How are your kids doing?
- Great.
Marcy's in uh...
Eighth grade.
Lawrence is in 5th.
Yeah.
Scary times.
How do you feel about them?
How do I feel about them?
Just like any other parent.
I love them.
I worry about them.
You ever hate them?
No.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
I get frustrated certainly.
I don't hate them.
When we first got pregnant,
everyone told me how easy it is
to love your children.
And it's true.
I mean, you care for them
more than anything.
You'd do anything for 'em.
But nobody told me how easy
it is to hate them.
You didn't hate David.
You might have
gotten angry at him,
but you didn't hate him.
There were a lot of times
I knew my life would be
easier if he were dead.
Well, that's your guilt talking.
It's getting the best of you
and you can't let it.
You've got to offer
all this up to God.
I do, it's just not...
it's just not helping.
We all have doubts, Chris.
There's no shame in it.
I actually believe it makes our
communion with God stronger.
So just stop looking.
What does that mean?
He's here, Chris.
You know he's here.
But you're looking for him
so desperately
you can't even feel it.
It's like it's not even
spiritual anymore.
It becomes a game where God
has to prove himself to you
like he's
some kind of a magician
operating a parlor game.
That's not communion.
That's not your
relationship with God.
That's a fool's errand.
So just stop looking.
He's here.
Do whatever it is you're doing.
Help Carol through this.
Work the farm.
Play that violin in church.
Be in the world
and stay connected.
It'll come.
I guarantee it. It will come.
She's got a bad back.
She cannot work.
She cannot get the disability
because it's such a nightmare.
Really?
No, I'm saying
she can get it,
but it just takes forever.
Meanwhile, you've got
some girl down in Inglewood
who's got four different
baby-daddies,
she's driving around in
an Escalade
paid for by my tax dollars.
Right. And complaining
she needs more money.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What do we do?
What do you mean?
Should we have another baby?
Is that what you want?
Why do you think he did it?
- I don't...
- Don't you...
No, I know. I know.
How can you not think about it?
How he probably thought
that everything was so dark
and there was no way
it was gonna change?
Is that how you feel?
Sometimes.
You don't?
I'm not bipolar.
Oh, God.
What?
How can you say that?
No, I wasn't saying anything...
I know he was sick
because of me.
I know it came from me.
I don't need you to remind me.
I'm not reminding you
of anything, Carol.
You don't have any guilt?
Of course I do.
Because the last time
I saw you with our son,
you were pinning him
up against the wall.
Stop it!
I need help going
through David's stuff.
I don't know what to do with it.
When are you coming back?
I don't think I am.
What?
I just can't be there right now.
You just asked me
to have another kid.
How was that
supposed to work?
I don't know, okay?
I don't...
Just... take me back
to my parents'.
Fine.
Hey, boy.
Hey, Dad.
I'm not taking you away
from anything, am I?
No, no. Not at all.
Uh, so did you get
the bathroom fixed?
Uh...
That moron wants
to charge an arm and a leg.
I don't think he knows
what he's doing, anyway.
Isn't there someone else
you can call?
I don't know...
So... how you doin'?
Yeah, well, it never goes away.
Yeah.
Are you praying?
Every day.
Going to church?
Chris?
I missed a few weeks.
Oh, son.
I know.
This is the most important time
for you to be there.
I know, Dad.
You need to be
around your church family.
You need to feel their
love and support.
Yeah. You're...
You're right.
God's everywhere, but...
Church is where
we feel Him the strongest.
Do you want me
to come down there?
No, Dad. I don't want
you to do that.
I'll go this week,
I promise. Okay?
Yeah.
All right. Good.
Talk later. Bye.
Bye, Dad.
Hello?
Chris, it's Pastor.
Oh, hi, Pastor.
Missed you at church today.
Yeah, sorry.
I had to get the oxen out of the ditch.
Of course. Of course.
Listen, a few of us
are grabbing lunch
and I wanted to see
if you wanted to join us.
No pressure.
Nothing fancy.
Just fellowship
and a few laughs.
Remember what we talked about?
Stay connected.
Be in the world.
...to college, you know,
in Santa Barbara, so...
I kind of slowly weaned myself
off of that daily routine
and getting up at 4:00
in the morning,
going running and,
you know, so...
Do you ever
get to a stage
where you feel like, okay,
I'm here for the long haul?
Like, I'm not going anywhere?
Absolutely. I think
if you have, um...
If you had the proper
motivation with it,
or if you had, um...
your platoon was, uh,
a good team, network,
and you knew that you're gonna
be able to have that support,
yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, you knew,
you know, no matter
what they threw at you,
you're gonna be able
to make it, so...
What are you doing here?
I tried calling.
I felt bad about
the other night.
It's all right.
I know. I still felt bad.
You didn't have to come here
to say that, you know.
Are you drinking?
Beer?
Since when do you drink beer?
I've drank beer before.
When?
Before we were married.
What?
Just always been so judgmental
of anyone who drank.
My mom would have
a glass of wine with dinner,
you'd be sending her to hell.
It passes the time.
And it feels good.
I still don't know what
to do with David's stuff.
He's got
all these notebooks...
You wanna come inside?
Yeah.
Everyone says the same thing...
"You have to keep going.
"Keep living."
I keep thinking, "Why?"
It's okay.
Come on.
Morning.
What?
I thought we had
a good night last night.
This is just how it is, Chris.
How are you still
surprised by it?
I don't know.
Why do you still have
that up in here?
- What?
- The cross.
Should I take it down?
It's the only Catholic thing
we have in this house.
I like it.
You want some coffee?
I should probably just go home.
I'm gonna head out.
Don't act like you know
what it's like.
'Cause you don't.
And it ain't gonna change.
Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up
and feel like this,
just like Mom.
Just like mom.
And it ain't gonna
fucking change.
Why?
Can you hear me?
Why?
Please, somebody answer me!
Please!
We're really doing
a lot of wonderful things
in the women's ministry,
with lots more exciting things
to come.
We are currently looking for
locations for our annual retreat.
So if anybody
has any ideas.
Who is it?
Hi, Chris.
We're sorry to do this to you,
but we felt that it was that important.
They called
and told me what was going on.
Why didn't you tell me?
Your dad's a good man.
Tell us how you're feeling.
I feel the same.
Can you be more specific?
I don't know.
It's like I'm powerless.
You mean, why is God
doing this to you?
Yes.
Well, Chris,
it may not seem like it
but God isn't
doing anything to you.
God doesn't make things
happen to us.
Think about it.
People out there
are getting cancer,
people lose their jobs,
people struggle with drugs,
alcohol,
I see it every day.
Well, none of that
happened to me.
My son killed himself because
he has a disease in his brain.
I needed God then
and I need him now.
- Where is he?
- So what are you doing?
Let me ask you
this, Chris.
When you think back
through your good decisions,
all the good things
that you've done in your life,
how many of them came at a time
when you felt connected
to God?
Most of them.
And the bad decisions?
I don't know,
maybe marrying Carol and having
David was a bad decision.
Ugh.
No, it was not.
Marriage is good.
Family is good.
You didn't know
what was gonna happen.
Maybe, I don't know.
You think God brought us all
here today, Chris?
I don't think it matters.
But, son, you have been
in church your whole life.
You've had a close relationship
with Jesus since you were a boy.
- I know.
- As did me, as did your mom.
This is who you are,
it's who we are.
If we don't have this,
what have we got?
Where do we go?
Where do we go?
It's just not important.
Not important?
Wow, Chris, I gotta tell you,
I've been sitting here
and you don't sound like
somebody looking for something.
You sound like somebody
trying to keep everything out.
That's right.
Because David...
David will still be gone
tomorrow,
and next week and next month
and next year.
Where is your ability to deal
with that going to come from?
Amen.
God can't change what happened.
And I wish he could.
But He will make your life
so much better each day
that you'd choose to connect
with Him.
You believe
your mother's in heaven, right?
Yeah, of course.
Well, I believe,
we all believe...
David's there, too.
And we'll get to see him again
if we put our trust
and our faith in God.
I'm sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
That's why God brought us here.
Amen.
Take care.
Don't forget that violin
on Sunday.
I won't.
You promise?
We miss you up there.
Yeah, I promise.
Great.
That's just great.
Bye.
Thank you.
Feel better?
Yeah.
I wish you would have called me when
that whole drinking thing started.
I've been down that path before.
Straightened right out.
I was just embarrassed.
Sorry to ambush you
like that.
- It had to be done.
- I know.
I... gotta hit the bathroom
again.
Did you ever go see a doctor?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
There's a cup there for you.
Thank you.
Mm.
I'll be out in the truck, Chris.
Okay, Dad, I'll be down
in a minute.
- Ready?
- Oh, yeah.
You've really done well,
with this farm, Chris,
it's really something.
Thanks, Dad.
All right, let's go.
Always good to go to church.
Especially since I don't get
to go much anymore.
They got a new pastor.
I don't think much of him.
But you,
that's good.
♪ When pangs of death
seized on my soul
♪ Unto the Lord I cried
♪ Till Jesus came
and made me whole
♪ I would not be denied
♪ I would not be denied
♪ I would not be denied
♪ Till Jesus came
and made me whole
♪ I would not be denied
♪ As Jacob in the days of old
♪ I wrestled with the Lord
♪ And instant
with a courage bold
♪ I stood upon His word ♪
On that note, I would like
to ask the deacons
to come down to the front,
please.
Thank you.
I would also like
to invite anyone,
anyone, you could be a member
of this church,
or this could be your first time
here with us today,
to come down,
get anointed with oil.
Whatever it is you're dealing
with right now,
whether it's problems at work
or in your marriage
or if it's health problems,
we want you to come down
and feel the touch of God,
the healing of the Holy Spirit.
You let the Spirit
flow through you,
open yourself up to it.
Thank you, Jesus.
Holy Spirit,
you know,
Christopher's burden here today
and we ask you to fill his body
with Your Grace.
We ask you to touch his body
and his mind.
Let him feel your presence
and your power.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Jesus.
- Thank you, Jesus.
Did you feel that?
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
- Can you feel that?
- Thank you, Jesus.
Spirit, Spirit has moved you!
- Thank you, Jesus.
- The Spirit is moving through here today.
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Yes. I can feel the Spirit's
moving here today,
when the Spirit, when the Spirit
is moving like this,
I know
that God is talking to us
and I know that there
is a message for us.
Amen.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Can everyone feel that?
Can everyone feel that?
I have to use the bathroom.
That's Jesus.
He... is with us
everywhere we go.
Every day.
He is here with us,
when we're making our breakfast,
we are home running a bath,
when we're arguing
with our loved ones,
he's there.
He is there, always.
Always.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus.
How are you feeling?
I'm good.
How are you?
About the same.
- My dad's here again.
- Oh, yeah? Why?
I haven't been going to church.
Protestants?
Yeah, It's like I'm 19 again.
Mm.
Not quite.
- Have you been going to mass?
- Yeah, I went today.
Does it help?
Yeah, I guess.
How?
Oh, I feel pretty
shitty and empty
most of the time.
It's nice to feel something else
for 45 minutes.
It would feel weird not to go,
gone my whole life.
Is that why you came?
Ask me about church?
I really want you
to come back home.
- I'm serious.
- I know.
Well?
I don't think you really want me
around.
- Yes, I do.
- Yeah, why?
Who else understands
what I'm going through?
Who else understands
what you're going through?
We're just gonna be alone
in this?
This is it.
We've got this, us.
Does it really make you feel
better having me around?
Yeah.
Because it makes you
feel less guilty
or because you love me?
Chris?
Both.
I had to use the bathroom
one more time.
I ain't using no bus toilet.
- Travel light?
- You never forget your military training,
let me tell you that.
Still afraid of KP duty.
Yeah.
You felt the Spirit move,
didn't you?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Good.
I saw a place
not far from my parents.
Rather pitch a tent
under that tree than do that.
Oh, come on.
No weekend cookouts with my dad?
Oh, my God.
Here, just put it next to the...
I'll get the rest.