Fairwood (2022) - full transcript
FAIRWOOD is a single-camera comedy series for all ages that follows the exploits of Rusty and Clark Fairwood, colorfully quirky small-town entertainers with an infectiously upbeat, family-oriented "positivistic" philosophy. Thrust unexpectedly into the limelight as hosts of their own talk show on Channel 29, the beloved local TV station in their rustic hometown of East Plains, Rusty and Clark unite their neighbors against the all-powerful Pentalode Corporation, which has dispatched carpetbagging executives to take control of the town's unexploited natural energy resources. Along with a vibrant cast of supporting characters, Rusty and Clark navigate their newfound fame, secure East Plains' destiny, and turn Pentalode's looming presence into a force for good -- all while managing to fall in love and make plans to "extend the Fairwood family line."
Previously on "fair wood."
You're number one throughout
the nine-county area.
The world
wants to know, where are
the sweethearts
of country music?
Candy and honey are hiding
out in east plains, right?
Don't tell anybody.
This is a gold mine.
It is everything
you'd hoped for.
An endless supply of
cheap, green energy.
Just like the one
under channel 29.
Just get me that station.
I won't let you down.
There you are...
Uh... oh, my...
You've got to be kidding me!
The fair
wood ratings are solid.
Those boys are a
breath of fresh air.
Cheese puff?
I don't trust orange food.
We gotta keep moving
the ratings up!
We'll get there.
Up, up, up.
You seem filled with the spirit.
I am. I truly am.
I really love it when
the numbers go up.
Have you met spooner mcneill?
He's a decorated Iraq veteran.
Y'know, he went after
those al qaedas.
He's the one that found that
tall fella with the long beard.
You're the lady from
the American legion.
- Have you two met?
- No.
You must have me confused
with someone else.
We should talk about
the wind... and soon.
And we will.
Oh, gosh, is it 2:00 already?
We have to jump on
a conference call.
We don't really have a
conference call, do we?
No, but I hate idle chit-chat.
Ms. Constantinople-valdez?
Hello, Mr. Rusty.
I love you on "spin the wheel."
Oh, thank you.
I wrote you a poem.
When I watch you spin,
it makes my heart begin.
Oh!
Disgusting are the bugs!
Well, I
guess if you have to
drop out of sight for a while,
this is a pretty
good place to do it.
You know it's driving
the paparazzi nuts.
Who writes this stuff?
Mama, there's something I
need to talk to you about.
Mmm, this lemonade is
good. I made it myself.
Tweaked grammy's
recipe... No dirt.
Mama, seriously, can you just
focus for a second, please?
Mama, because of you all
our dreams came true,
and I wouldn't trade any of it.
But I don't need a
business partner right now.
I need a mother.
We've got commitments,
and with this pregnancy
we've gotta be careful
about what happens.
I don't care what happens.
I don't care if everyone
demands I act like a sweetheart
and if they all wanna
just talk crap about me,
I don't care, because
that's not who I am anymore.
But you have a responsibility to
to myself.
What about us?
Inspired service!
Yes, it was. Yes.
Yeah, you all have
a lovely Sunday.
Now, you boys are on TV now.
You got a responsibility
to see the injustice
in this world with a clear
eye and do something about it.
- Amen.
- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.
- Do you hear me?
- I hear you.
- Use the love
in your heart to
inspire those who walk
- through this world gracelessly.
- Amen.
Man up.
- You hear me?
- I hear you.
- You hear me?
- I do.
Thank you, Jesus.
Come in.
Miss constantinople-valdez?
I just wanted to wish you luck
before you spin that wheel,
and to give you these
flowers as a token
of my deep
appreciation of... you.
Beautiful are the flowers,
but I must not be
accepting them.
They're tulips.
I am reliably informed
that all beautiful women
are fond of spring blooming
perennial herbaceous
bulbiferous geophytes.
Allergic. To the tulips! I am.
Well, that could
have gone better.
Make it quick. I'm up to
my pantylines in here.
We have located the source,
and we have a plan
to harness it.
Exactly how powerful
is this wind source?
It is more powerful
than we ever expected.
What now?
This.
So we
demolish the station,
take over most of the town,
and put about half the
population out of work.
Correct.
Some might call this extreme.
It is the only way
to harness billions
of dollars worth
of natural energy.
I said some might
call this extreme.
Can I help you gentlemen?
- Uh... we were just...
- No.
This is a private conversation.
What is "unobtanium"?
I've got your number, yoko.
I see you,
because I used to be you.
And the most dangerous
thing you can do
at this point in your
little life is to try
and outsmart someone
who used to be you...
But is now me.
Coco, earlier,
we overheard something
quite intriguing.
I suspect we may be expecting
some unexpected occurrences.
I expect you're right.
Channel 29: Serving
the nine-county area.
How may I direct
your call? Yes, sir.
Oh! Channel 29: Serving
the nine-county area.
How may I direct your call?
- Says here that Mrs.
- Johnson was blown
like a tumbleweed
down elkhoof Avenue.
Seems like there's
more than meets the eye
- about this wind business.
- Like what?
I suspect these pentalode folks
could already be thinkin'
just what we're thinkin'.
What are we thinkin'?
Well, they are an
energy company.
And Valerie Stanton
may be a few sandwiches
shy of a picnic, you
know what I mean?
I don't.
She's a pretty smart cookie.
Oh, right, right.
So let's do a little diggin'.
And we are back with
chef cherabusc...
- Cherrie... mm-hmm.
- Cherobusco.
And we have another
beautiful cocktail!
This is perfect for
a small gathering
at home or a holiday party.
Or perhaps just sitting around
in your so us-vêtements.
Mmm, delicious.
But you must be precise
in your measurements.
Now I am an
experienced mixologist.
- And we'll...
- We'll be right back
after these
"commesial sursages".
There... careful... whoa.
Hi and hello.
May I have a word with you?
Just. You.
Mm-hmm.
There's been an
unusual amount of...
Go ogling
in this office over
the past few days.
How do you know that?
Because I'm spying on everyone.
Illegal. Unethical.
But I like it.
So why do we care
about employees
playing on the Internet?
Because they're not playing.
They're digging deep into
pentalode and into you.
Could be anyone in the building.
- Farnsworth?
- I don't know.
But they're getting close.
Whatever.
- Bo, you don't know.
- Whatcha readin', Clark?
- The Kowalski brothers!
- They're trashin' us!
Jealousy is a sickness.
Well, I hope they get well soon.
Come on, we got a show to do.
Share my burden.
- Looky there, Clark.
- It's a little outhouse.
I always wanted to
go in one of those.
- Who's that?
- Looks like he's going bowling.
Hmm. That's kind of weird.
Who's he looking for?
Clark, I think there's more
to this than meets the eye.
This is cool!
Whoa!
What happened to you guys?
Why you all disheveled?
There's some mighty
strange meteorology
goin' on down there.
Very breezy.
I don't know what's
going on around here,
but I'm sure gonna find out.
You are going to work
your little fingers to the bone
on unobtanium, cap ice?
Grill the staff and
find out what they know
about what's under the station.
You mean talk to them
face to face? In person?
Unless you can do
it telepathically.
Telepathy has yet to be proven.
Dr. Brown?
Coco, is it?
Yes, coco.
You are the new hr guy, right?
And you're from pentalode?
I think I should be
asking the questions.
Now that pentalode and
channel 29 have joined forces,
we would like to know if
any of the recent changes
here at the station are
affecting your productivity.
There's a hole in
the parking lot
and someone built a shed on it.
But other than that,
everything's great!
Do you know what that thing is?
Are they working on
power lines or...
They are!
Working on the power lines.
Have you noticed any
unusual wind outside?
- Sorry, I'm confused.
- Valerie said this was
a meeting was about
a benefits package?
It is.
Does it not seem like that
is what this is about?
What is your history
with channel 29?
I was in France.
Now I'm here.
Do you have a
scientific background?
- Oui.
- Please expand on that.
I am a mixologist.
You have been with channel 29
for ten years, is this correct?
Yes.
I'm sort of the Savannah
Guthrie of the place.
Or the Craig Melvin.
He's my favorite.
Have you noticed any
unusual wind emissions
in or around the office?
Finally, someone brings this up.
I'm very sensitive to
this kind of thing.
You had a reaction?
I'm not the only one.
Could you pinpoint the
direction of the wind,
and/or the source
of the emission?
It came from Sharon
in accounting.
- Can you sign a few things?
- Dr. Brown does not seem
to know too much
about human resources.
I'm sure the guy's a pro.
Valerie hand-picked him.
I wouldn't worry.
What's the deal with the
shed in the parking lot?
They're working
on the water main.
Dr. Brown said they're
working on the power lines.
Then they're working
on the power lines.
Is that something human
resources would know about?
You're pretty inquisitive.
- Sorry.
- No, no, no, don't be.
I like a curious mind.
Which is a more than I can say
for Valerie, if
you catch my drift.
Got it.
- What are you doing?
- We have a meeting at 9:00.
You hungry?
I never eat solid foods
during business hours.
Hunger sharpens and focuses
the predatory instinct.
So...
What's going on with the
shed in the parking lot?
They're inspecting
the sewer lines.
Who is?
The chief engineer
of the metropolitan
department of why don't
you mind your own business?
Come on, we're late.
And wear that
green shirt I like.
Oh, god, this has gotta
be worse then the tulips.
Clark, I've never been
so inspired in my life.
Ya know, varma really
squeezes my musical juice.
I heard love'll do that to you.
This song came to me in a dream.
Maybe yours, too.
Vitamin b?
Powdered black rhinoceros horn.
Increases electrical
activity in the brain .8%.
$1600 an ounce.
I thought the black
rhinoceros was endangered.
It is.
Don't worry, I've got a
five year supply stockpiled.
I talked to your people.
No one knows anything.
I'm worried about the it guy.
I'd like to get rid of him,
but he's Farnsworth's mascot.
He's brilliant, you know.
He may come in handy.
I don't like men who
are good with numbers.
Ahh! Channel 29!
You're number one throughout
the nine-county area.
The world
wants to know, where are
the sweethearts
of country music?
Candy and honey are hiding
out in east plains, right?
Don't tell anybody.
This is a gold mine.
It is everything
you'd hoped for.
An endless supply of
cheap, green energy.
Just like the one
under channel 29.
Just get me that station.
I won't let you down.
There you are...
Uh... oh, my...
You've got to be kidding me!
The fair
wood ratings are solid.
Those boys are a
breath of fresh air.
Cheese puff?
I don't trust orange food.
We gotta keep moving
the ratings up!
We'll get there.
Up, up, up.
You seem filled with the spirit.
I am. I truly am.
I really love it when
the numbers go up.
Have you met spooner mcneill?
He's a decorated Iraq veteran.
Y'know, he went after
those al qaedas.
He's the one that found that
tall fella with the long beard.
You're the lady from
the American legion.
- Have you two met?
- No.
You must have me confused
with someone else.
We should talk about
the wind... and soon.
And we will.
Oh, gosh, is it 2:00 already?
We have to jump on
a conference call.
We don't really have a
conference call, do we?
No, but I hate idle chit-chat.
Ms. Constantinople-valdez?
Hello, Mr. Rusty.
I love you on "spin the wheel."
Oh, thank you.
I wrote you a poem.
When I watch you spin,
it makes my heart begin.
Oh!
Disgusting are the bugs!
Well, I
guess if you have to
drop out of sight for a while,
this is a pretty
good place to do it.
You know it's driving
the paparazzi nuts.
Who writes this stuff?
Mama, there's something I
need to talk to you about.
Mmm, this lemonade is
good. I made it myself.
Tweaked grammy's
recipe... No dirt.
Mama, seriously, can you just
focus for a second, please?
Mama, because of you all
our dreams came true,
and I wouldn't trade any of it.
But I don't need a
business partner right now.
I need a mother.
We've got commitments,
and with this pregnancy
we've gotta be careful
about what happens.
I don't care what happens.
I don't care if everyone
demands I act like a sweetheart
and if they all wanna
just talk crap about me,
I don't care, because
that's not who I am anymore.
But you have a responsibility to
to myself.
What about us?
Inspired service!
Yes, it was. Yes.
Yeah, you all have
a lovely Sunday.
Now, you boys are on TV now.
You got a responsibility
to see the injustice
in this world with a clear
eye and do something about it.
- Amen.
- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.
- Do you hear me?
- I hear you.
- Use the love
in your heart to
inspire those who walk
- through this world gracelessly.
- Amen.
Man up.
- You hear me?
- I hear you.
- You hear me?
- I do.
Thank you, Jesus.
Come in.
Miss constantinople-valdez?
I just wanted to wish you luck
before you spin that wheel,
and to give you these
flowers as a token
of my deep
appreciation of... you.
Beautiful are the flowers,
but I must not be
accepting them.
They're tulips.
I am reliably informed
that all beautiful women
are fond of spring blooming
perennial herbaceous
bulbiferous geophytes.
Allergic. To the tulips! I am.
Well, that could
have gone better.
Make it quick. I'm up to
my pantylines in here.
We have located the source,
and we have a plan
to harness it.
Exactly how powerful
is this wind source?
It is more powerful
than we ever expected.
What now?
This.
So we
demolish the station,
take over most of the town,
and put about half the
population out of work.
Correct.
Some might call this extreme.
It is the only way
to harness billions
of dollars worth
of natural energy.
I said some might
call this extreme.
Can I help you gentlemen?
- Uh... we were just...
- No.
This is a private conversation.
What is "unobtanium"?
I've got your number, yoko.
I see you,
because I used to be you.
And the most dangerous
thing you can do
at this point in your
little life is to try
and outsmart someone
who used to be you...
But is now me.
Coco, earlier,
we overheard something
quite intriguing.
I suspect we may be expecting
some unexpected occurrences.
I expect you're right.
Channel 29: Serving
the nine-county area.
How may I direct
your call? Yes, sir.
Oh! Channel 29: Serving
the nine-county area.
How may I direct your call?
- Says here that Mrs.
- Johnson was blown
like a tumbleweed
down elkhoof Avenue.
Seems like there's
more than meets the eye
- about this wind business.
- Like what?
I suspect these pentalode folks
could already be thinkin'
just what we're thinkin'.
What are we thinkin'?
Well, they are an
energy company.
And Valerie Stanton
may be a few sandwiches
shy of a picnic, you
know what I mean?
I don't.
She's a pretty smart cookie.
Oh, right, right.
So let's do a little diggin'.
And we are back with
chef cherabusc...
- Cherrie... mm-hmm.
- Cherobusco.
And we have another
beautiful cocktail!
This is perfect for
a small gathering
at home or a holiday party.
Or perhaps just sitting around
in your so us-vêtements.
Mmm, delicious.
But you must be precise
in your measurements.
Now I am an
experienced mixologist.
- And we'll...
- We'll be right back
after these
"commesial sursages".
There... careful... whoa.
Hi and hello.
May I have a word with you?
Just. You.
Mm-hmm.
There's been an
unusual amount of...
Go ogling
in this office over
the past few days.
How do you know that?
Because I'm spying on everyone.
Illegal. Unethical.
But I like it.
So why do we care
about employees
playing on the Internet?
Because they're not playing.
They're digging deep into
pentalode and into you.
Could be anyone in the building.
- Farnsworth?
- I don't know.
But they're getting close.
Whatever.
- Bo, you don't know.
- Whatcha readin', Clark?
- The Kowalski brothers!
- They're trashin' us!
Jealousy is a sickness.
Well, I hope they get well soon.
Come on, we got a show to do.
Share my burden.
- Looky there, Clark.
- It's a little outhouse.
I always wanted to
go in one of those.
- Who's that?
- Looks like he's going bowling.
Hmm. That's kind of weird.
Who's he looking for?
Clark, I think there's more
to this than meets the eye.
This is cool!
Whoa!
What happened to you guys?
Why you all disheveled?
There's some mighty
strange meteorology
goin' on down there.
Very breezy.
I don't know what's
going on around here,
but I'm sure gonna find out.
You are going to work
your little fingers to the bone
on unobtanium, cap ice?
Grill the staff and
find out what they know
about what's under the station.
You mean talk to them
face to face? In person?
Unless you can do
it telepathically.
Telepathy has yet to be proven.
Dr. Brown?
Coco, is it?
Yes, coco.
You are the new hr guy, right?
And you're from pentalode?
I think I should be
asking the questions.
Now that pentalode and
channel 29 have joined forces,
we would like to know if
any of the recent changes
here at the station are
affecting your productivity.
There's a hole in
the parking lot
and someone built a shed on it.
But other than that,
everything's great!
Do you know what that thing is?
Are they working on
power lines or...
They are!
Working on the power lines.
Have you noticed any
unusual wind outside?
- Sorry, I'm confused.
- Valerie said this was
a meeting was about
a benefits package?
It is.
Does it not seem like that
is what this is about?
What is your history
with channel 29?
I was in France.
Now I'm here.
Do you have a
scientific background?
- Oui.
- Please expand on that.
I am a mixologist.
You have been with channel 29
for ten years, is this correct?
Yes.
I'm sort of the Savannah
Guthrie of the place.
Or the Craig Melvin.
He's my favorite.
Have you noticed any
unusual wind emissions
in or around the office?
Finally, someone brings this up.
I'm very sensitive to
this kind of thing.
You had a reaction?
I'm not the only one.
Could you pinpoint the
direction of the wind,
and/or the source
of the emission?
It came from Sharon
in accounting.
- Can you sign a few things?
- Dr. Brown does not seem
to know too much
about human resources.
I'm sure the guy's a pro.
Valerie hand-picked him.
I wouldn't worry.
What's the deal with the
shed in the parking lot?
They're working
on the water main.
Dr. Brown said they're
working on the power lines.
Then they're working
on the power lines.
Is that something human
resources would know about?
You're pretty inquisitive.
- Sorry.
- No, no, no, don't be.
I like a curious mind.
Which is a more than I can say
for Valerie, if
you catch my drift.
Got it.
- What are you doing?
- We have a meeting at 9:00.
You hungry?
I never eat solid foods
during business hours.
Hunger sharpens and focuses
the predatory instinct.
So...
What's going on with the
shed in the parking lot?
They're inspecting
the sewer lines.
Who is?
The chief engineer
of the metropolitan
department of why don't
you mind your own business?
Come on, we're late.
And wear that
green shirt I like.
Oh, god, this has gotta
be worse then the tulips.
Clark, I've never been
so inspired in my life.
Ya know, varma really
squeezes my musical juice.
I heard love'll do that to you.
This song came to me in a dream.
Maybe yours, too.
Vitamin b?
Powdered black rhinoceros horn.
Increases electrical
activity in the brain .8%.
$1600 an ounce.
I thought the black
rhinoceros was endangered.
It is.
Don't worry, I've got a
five year supply stockpiled.
I talked to your people.
No one knows anything.
I'm worried about the it guy.
I'd like to get rid of him,
but he's Farnsworth's mascot.
He's brilliant, you know.
He may come in handy.
I don't like men who
are good with numbers.
Ahh! Channel 29!