Ex 2: Still Friends? (2011) - full transcript

Agreements and disagreements, crimes and misdeeds, love stories of couples at risk whose life will crisscross for incredible twists of fate for a moment, or forever, in this romantic comedy of errors where nothing truely is as it seems. An ironic portrait of history, or perhaps of emotional geography of nowadays. Because in the course of our lives each of us is destined to become an "ex".

She's pretty.

I know I'm late.
I did it on purpose to scare the groom.

"Will she, won't she?" Is Marco worried?

Haven't seen him.


He's not here yet.

Damn! But I'm an hour and 15 minutes late.

Cold feet?

Here I am.

Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out.

It's my first wedding,
I forgot everything.

- Underwear, cuff links...
- Do you have the rings?

The rings. Of course!

They're in here, let me just double check.



Fabio, what happened?

Read this.

"Dear Fabio, I'm on my lunch break.
Guess what I ordered?

"A Brazilian palmito salad." Delicious!

Read, don't comment.

"Yes, palmito!
That thing you hate and I love."

There are too many things
that I like and you hate,

"so it's best if we break up."

Can you believe it?

"Better now than in 20 years. Esther."

Fabio, now can I comment?

Go ahead.

Fabio, if you ask me, Esther truly is...

A bitch, she's the queen bee of bitches!

She broke up because of palmito!

It's as if you've just won the lotto,

you've finally gotten rid of her!


Hooray, Fabio!

I'm going to kill myself.

Are you nuts?

Let me do it, I can't live without Esther!

What are you doing, are you crazy?

No, that was my parking spot!

Where are you going?

Don't ignore me just because I'm a woman.

You expect me to give you my spot
because you're a woman?

So arrogant, I've been searching
for a spot for 30 minutes.

Well, I found one right away.

You stole mine!

I'm in a rut.

The one time things go my way,
let me enjoy it.

Serves you right, asshole!

Attorney, that's me calling you.

Mrs. Marangoni
has been waiting 30 minutes.

All right, thanks.

- Nice to meet you, Attorney Gardini.
- My pleasure.

Have a seat. I apologize for being late.

This jerk stole my parking spot,
a real pompous guy.

I know the type,
that's more or less why I'm here.

I want a separation from my husband,
I think he's cheating.

I don't want him.

I want to delete the virus,
reset the computer, and start again.

- Spouse's name?
- Max Marangoni.

He's not exactly the max,
at best he's the minimum.

Do you cohabit?

His lordship left.

Perfect, spousal abandonment.

I want to demolish him.

No worries, I'll do my best.

My ex left me three months ago
after eight years together. A real worm.

Speaking of worms, it's him.


I know what you're doing,
you're asking for a separation.


I see you in Stanziani Law Firm.

I'm here, see me?

Insanity! He's outside.

Please, don't start telling lies.

There are two innocent children involved.

Let's be civilized and polite.

For fuck's sake, they're stealing my car!


Hooray for the newlyweds!

What a stink!

It stinks?

Like a sewer.

A sewer? Nonsense,
my ring doesn't stink like a sewer.

It stinks like a mine, a gold mine.

They got it from a mine
that's like a sewer.

It stinks like a mine.

Thank heavens we've done it.

You terrified me by showing up late!

If brides can always be late,
so can the grooms.

You wanted equal rights?
You get equal delays too.

- You're going to burst a button.
- Why?

I thought you got cold feet.

Why wouldn't I marry you...

after seven years of engagement?

Plus two years and seven months
of me staring at you at work.

And you ignored me.

I was convinced you were gay.


- Really?
- Gay.

But I showed you.

What does that mean?

I'm kidding, loveylove.

A photo of the couple.

Don't move!

Thank you, Honorable MP.

Honorable, what a lovely term!
It fills my mouth.

And it fills me with joy. Sirs...

Who would have thought?
Pharmacist to member of Parliament.

From Praiano to Brussels, what a jump!

I always believed in you,
I knew you'd reach the top,

but the climb isn't over.

Time for us to conquer Mt. Everest!

- No less.
- Honorable Antonio!

The Capuano brothers.
Gaetano and Salvatore.

- Or vice versa.
- Can we still call you Antonio?

Of course, we're childhood friends.

We were classmates.

With our dad.

Your dear departed dad was my age?

- Dad's alive.
- Your dear departed dad is alive?

- How did that happen?
- Unexpectedly.

- Be strong, my heart goes out to you.
- In that case, Antonio,

when you take your seat
in Parliament in Brussels,

ask for European funding
for Gaetano who grows oranges.

And for Salvatore
who produces tasty mozzarella.

- And what do we get in return?
- Music.

You'll find a crate of oranges
under your Christmas tree.

And some tasty mozzarella.

- I'm allergic to mozzarella.
- But you're Neapolitan!

- So?
- Some friends you are!

Antonio said he would do what he can
and you offer us mozzarella?

- We don't like it!
- We want provolone.

- How much?
- One kilo plain, one kilo smoked.

Are you kidding?

For every euro of funding,
we want 30 percent.


- Thirty?
- Thirty!

If she said 30, it's 30.
Tough cheese, Capuano brothers.

- Thanks, Paolo.
- No problem.

Sorry for flipping out.

It's OK, not a problem for me.

I can keep you company if you want.

- No, I'm fine.
- Sure?

- No worries.
- Good, I'm proud of you!

Holy Ikea, what an amazing apartment!

Now you're single,
there'll be a stream of babes.

Come on, forget about her.

Today your new life begins,
your single life.

When one door closes, another one...

Opens. Hope so.

All right, Fabio!

- Right on, Fabio!
- Ok, thanks. I'm fine.


I took you to the Maldives
where you gorged on palmitos.

And how do you thank me?

Dumping me via text message.

No decency to tell me in person.

I can't handle this.

De Rossi, what's up?

My girlfriend left me,
my ex-girlfriend left me.

- I'm going to kill myself.
- Why bother, she's your ex!

She's an ex because she left me,
she was my girlfriend this morning.

Luckily you have a shrink downstairs.

Come lie down on my couch and talk.

Fine, that's all for today.

You were right.

I feel much better after talking to you.

That's what psychoanalysis is for.

As of today, you're my patient.

We'll meet three times a week

to talk about Esther.

I said "Esther" on purpose.

Does her name make you anxious?

As we say in Rome, I don't give a hoot.

Great, in time you'll forget about her.


I can't handle it.

No! Stop! Don't!

I thought you didn't give a hoot?

Doctor, don't abandon me.

- You can count on me.
- Can I live with you?

That seems a bit...

In any case, as of today
don't mention my ex's name.

Call her "that one".

Who, Esther?

No, that one.

As of today we'll call her "that one".

Thanks, doc.

Bye, Nunzia.
I'll call you when I reach Brussels.

Antonio, understand
what do to in Brussels?

I'm going to Parliament, not to school.

Safe travels.

Don't say that, you'll jinx me
and the plane will crash.

You just got elected, you can't die.

- I'll wait till my term ends.
- In four years.

- I'll die in four years?
- Hush up.

- I don't want to die.
- Good, focus on your career.

Swindle, manipulate, pull strings,

snatch, grab, scheme, cheat.

Fill our mouths!

Close that scary mouth,
looks like a furnace.

From greedy to smiley in a microsecond.

Happy travels!

Again? You'll jinx me!



you go check in for Genoa.

And I'll go park.

Thanks, loveylove.

I've dreamt of a honeymoon
on a cruise ship, like Love Boat.

All right, lambkin. You go, I'll park.




I shouldn't even be saying hello.


You stood me up at the restaurant.


On Via Sicilia.

No, Via Germanico 31.

I'm sure of the address.

So you didn't stand me up?

Darn it, that was our first date.

I thought you ditched me,
so I never called you again.

I thought the same and was heartbroken.


Because I liked you.

- You liked me?
- Yes.

Damn the "Girarrosto"!

So are you dati...

Have you gotten marri... engag...

No, I'm still single.

You're single.

And you?

Are you single?

Yes, very single!

I'm all alone like a lone...


- Son of a...
- Who are you mad at?


We liked each other but lost touch.

But we've found each other again
and we're single.

We're both free.

We can go out, right?

- Not.
- Not?

I mean why not? Of course.

Not to "Girarrosto" though.

Take down my number.

Three three three...

Put it in your cell.

I'll put it in my head,
it'll be closer to my mouth.

Three three three...

Five seven four two five seven.

Three three three,
five seven four two five seven, easy.


Call me!

Three three three, five seven four two...

Two asterisks.

Damn, my ring!

Three three three,
five seven four two five seven.

This is your Captain.

Due to the awakening
of an Icelandic volcano,

we are forced to land in Munich.

Nunzia strikes again!


Because you said "safe travels" you made
the dormant Icelandic volcano erupt.

I'll manage.

I'm in a hotel near the airport of Munich.

I'll eat a bite.

Don't say "bon appetit".

Not even goodnight.
No more well wishes, be quiet.

Gotta go, my table's ready.

Good luck.

What time is it?

You've asked three times, just give up.

Fine, your loss.

With that face you're no Brad Pitt.

No, but I could make you laugh.

Really? Try me.

Let's bet a Mojito.

Sure, why not?

Know the name of the band
that's on everyone's lips?

The Herpes.

Marco, another Mojito.
The lady's offering.

Sandra, look to your right.

He's checking you out.

He's hot!

A mix between Clooney and Bardem.

At this rate, you'll never find anyone.

Who says I want someone?

All men are the same.

They're all sweet at first
then they betray you.

- Like my ex.
- Enough already with this ex!

Forget him and try to have fun.

I can't.

"I can't." So? Should I drive you home?

No, stay and have fun, I'll take a taxi.

Fill me in tomorrow.


No taxis available, you'll have to wait.




Good evening.


Don't even think about it,
this taxi's mine, get out.

- No way!
- Get out or I'll push you out.

Try it and you'll be in trouble,
I have a witness.

- I'm soaking wet.
- You think I'm waterproof?

I've been in the rain for two hours,
my car was stolen.

Why are you men such assholes?

I can't stand you anymore!
I can't take it!

Stop it, you nutcase!

See? Another asshole.

Fine, keep this darn taxi.

In that case, I'll get out.
Goodbye and chill out.


- Where are you going?
- To Lungotevere.

Me too. If you want,
we can share the ride.

- Fine, but I'll pay.
- A real chauvinist.

- Why?
- We should split the cost!

"I'll pay", "split it". What's the deal?

Mind your own fucking business.


- Lungotevere dei Mellini.
- Go ahead.

Lungotevere dei Mellini.

Here's your cutlet, MP.

It was for another customer
but I swiped it.

Or else, you would have had
to wait an hour.

No need, I would have waited.

Excuse me,
I ordered that cutlet an hour ago.

He got here ten minutes ago
and has already been served?

See? Yes, ma'am.

Typical Italian,
he shows up and acts bossy.

Look who's talking!

- You're the one who started it.
- How rude!


I'm mortified.

Here's your cutlet.

Thanks. How kind.

Bon appetit.

Now you'll have to wait
an hour for yours.

It's OK.

It's huge. Let's split it.

Ok, but only if we split my wine too.

All right.

- I'm Antonio.
- I'm Olga.

- Russian?
- Lord no, Baltic.

How lovely! I'm from Sorrento, know it?

Yes, there's that Pavarotti song
called "Torna a Surriento".

After a few glasses,
I'll sing it out loud.

Then let's drink.


How do you say "cheers" in Baltic?

I sveikata.

Did you just curse?

Let's stick with "cheers".

Wouldn't want to offend a German volcano.

Use this door, I'll cover you.

- How kind of you.
- I'm trying to make amends.

- You've done well.
- Goodnight, then.

- Impossible!
- What's wrong?

I left my keys at home.

- We're both jinxed.
- No, you jinxed me!

Hold on! She's sneezing, can't you see?

Floriana, how much longer?

One minute, loveylove.

I'm getting dolled up for you.

You got a text message.

Nothing gets past me.


Who's texting you this late? I'm jealous.

Who do you think it is?

Cell phone rate promotions from Paris.

You get a one-cent bonus...

if you call someone in your inner circle.

You get free minutes
when you call the inner circle,

then the whole inner circle gets minutes.

Everyone calls each other
and who gets left with the bill?

- Know why I like you?
- Why?

You make me laugh.

Like it?

Very doable.

Sex and the City style.

And tonight you'll be my Mister Big.


Mister Big.

Mister Big?

Is that a hamburger?

You're a riot!

Come on, Olga, come! Balticolì, Balticolà

Fantastic, bravo!

Excuse me, it's late. We have to close.

It's already midnight.

Time flew by.

You must have had fun.


I drank too much.

Let's make a toast.

Yes, I sveikata!

Cursing again?

- What floor?
- Fourth.

- Me too!
- Really?

Four eight one two.

Four eight one four.

No way! They did it on purpose.

Here's your door.


Goodnight, Olga.

- It was a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise, goodnight.

Wait, Antonio. I can't open my door.

These modern keycards are tricky,
I miss those old keys.

Slide it slowly.


Now Olga can go inside
Balticolà, Balticolì

Goodnight, Antonio.


My finger!

Damn you, Nunzia!

Goodnight, goodnight.

Alessia, is that you?

Yes, mom. Go to bed.

Did you bolt the door?

No, Dad, I'm with a friend.

When you're done and he leaves,

bolt the door.

Don't worry, Dad.

Your parents?
Why didn't we go to my place?

- They don't mind, they're modern.
- Are you sure?


They prefer I do it here
than in someone else's house.

I see, they don't want
you to fuck outside.

Then let's make them happy and fuck here.


I'm sorry...

but you can't come over tonight.

I have a guest.

A mix between Clooney and Bardem?


And a bit of Rocco Siffredi!

What a slut!

I dried everything with a hairdryer
as best as I could.

- Thanks.
- Welcome.

I'll find a hotel,
my friend can't host me.

- You can sleep in my room.
- In your room?

You take my bed, I'll sleep on the sofa.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Making amends for upsetting you.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

I'll make some tea.

- Thanks!
- And change the sheets.

Stop saying thank you,
no need for formalities.

He's not an asshole.

- Olga!
- Did I wake you?

No, what's wrong?

Help me. I'm clueless.

I can't turn on the TV
and I need it to sleep.

No problem, I have
a master's degree in remote controls.


Plus and minus to change the channel.

I feel so stupid.

This is the off button.

So you can sleep.


Sorry, now I'm the one who feels stupid.

I locked myself out.

Can I use your phone
to call the reception?

Of course, come in.

German efficiency.

I'm whispering so I don't wake them.

They're sleeping.

No luck.

Now what?

Two solutions, one of which I don't like.

I go downstairs and wake the porter.

- The second?
- I like.

Do what we did with the cutlet,
we'll split the room.

Hold on, a condom.

Holy shit, I forgot to bring one.

Great, I don't have one.

Maybe my ex-boyfriend Albertino
left one here.

Awesome! Rock on, ex-boyfriend Albertino!

- Put it on.
- "Alessia the ex" turns me on.

- Hold on.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.


Was Albertino a size small?

Don't be silly, let me try.


Easy, adagio...


- What is it?
- We can't get the condom on.

- Hello, ma'am.
- Hello, excuse me.

Paolo Sgroppi, Alessia's friend.

It's Albertino's, it doesn't seem to fit.

Let me see.

This is a man's job, I'll call your dad.



Alessia's boyfriend
can't get the condom on.

Have a look.

- I'll see to it.
- Hello, Dad.

Don't move, good boy. Stand still!

Come on!

Be delicate!

- Don't move!
- Easy, it's not a driveshaft!

Oh no.

- It broke.
- Dad, we only had one!


Who's that?

My uncle.

Relax, he's my brother.

What? I was watching a game.

At this hour?

Barcelona-Valencia, prerecorded.

Do you have a condom?

What flavor?
Banana, raspberry, strawberry?

- What do you think?
- Banana.

- Yes, it suits the moment.
- Put it on him.

He's good with his hands.

Go ahead.

We'll keep it in the family.

Where is it?

Uncle Mario, I assure you it was there.

Dad and mom saw it,
they're my witnesses.

- It was there!
- Call me when it comes back.

- What's the score?
- Barcelona's winning one to zero.

Wait, it was there!

Antonio, wake up!

Coming, Nunzia.

You've grown so tall.

Hurry, the airport reopened,
my flight's in 30 minutes.


Can I tell you something?

Go ahead.

I had a great night.


but unfortunately it'll be our last.

I'm married, so are you.

Especially me.

My wife's a Neapolitan mastiff.

She's a lurcher.

Once she latches on, she won't let go.

I'll fondly remember this night forever.

Me too.


Eight thirty?

You're right, I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

Be right there, sorry.

- Problems?
- I have to take the kids to school.

- You're married?
- No, luckily I'm getting separated.

You can't imagine
the hell she'll raise if I'm late.

I can help you out.

No, I need an attorney.

I am an attorney.

A divorce attorney.

One more reason to like you.

Attorney, I know your profession
but not your name.


Like Sandra Bullock.

Tonight's events seemed
like a Sandra Bullock film.

- What's your name?
- Max.

I like that.

Call you tonight.

How will I call you without your number?

I'll write it in lipstick
on your bathroom mirror.

Like a Sandra Bullock film.

Too late,
your wife took the kids to school.

- Damn it!
- She was so pissed off.

Pissed off?

My car got stolen,
I waited forever for the taxi.

Wait here, I'll be right back.


Good morning.

Fabio, my man! Welcome back, how are you?


Better now that I'm seeing
a psychoanalyst.

Great, glad you're not
an unhappy camper anymore!

It was rough
but I'm ready to start living again.

Cinema, restaurants, gym.


Need help?

Rotten bastards!

Max and Sandra Longari.

Sounds nice.

I need to see the doctor.

Sorry, he's out playing golf.

He'll be back at three, in an hour.

No, in an hour
and seven minutes. It's 13:53.

It's time for my lunch break.

Go have lunch,
I promise I'll wait right here.

I'll sit here quietly until you return.

No reception.

Two bars.


Hello, Consuelo?


How are you?


Marullo, I can't hear you.

Call you later, bye.

- I've been searching for you.
- I was here.

- Marullo...
- What did he want?

He called from the bank.

Loveylove, I want something.

Another purse?


Let's pretend we're Jack and Rose.

Out of that question,
doing that would jinx us.

The ship will sink and children will die.

Nonsense, there are no icebergs
in the Mediterranean.

But there are islands.
If we crash into Corsica we're doomed.

So silly! Come on.


I'm off.

I'll leave the door unlocked, OK?

No worries.

See you in an hour.


Thank God you're here.

No, miss...

You don't know me,
but this is an emergency.

Help me, or I'll open the window
and jump out.

- I'm not...
- I know you're not available!

I tried to call,
but couldn't get an appointment.

It all happened suddenly,
thanks to this asshole.

A text message from 30 minutes ago.

"Hi, baby cakes." I'm baby cakes.

"Hi, baby cakes. Guess where I am?"

In a taxi heading to the airport.

I'm leaving.

I need a change of scenery
because being with you suffocates me.

Better to leave you now
than in five years.

"Farewell, your ex-love bunny."

That stinker broke up with me
in a text message!

- It happens.
- I'm going to kill myself.

I'll kill myself!

Stop! What are you doing? Calm down.

Let's talk it over. Calm down.

Ok, I'll calm down.

Should I lie down on the couch?


You do stand-up therapy?

No, I just want to explain that...

I'm not...

I already feel better
now that I'm here, doctor.

The couch works.

You're telling me!

Not taking notes?

Yes, I'll take notes.


Tell me, baby cakes.

No, sorry!

My name's Valentina.

Like the patron saint of lovers,
what a joke!

That guy, that guy is named Guido.

- Love bunny?
- Love bunny my foot, he's a jerk!

If you say so.



Hello, I'm Antonio Schiavone,
Campania region.

Pasquale Lo Foco, Calabria region.

Say it, don't spray it.

- Giovanni Ventolin.
- From the south as well?

No, Veneto region, Northern League.

It was a joke.

Before beginning to form
parliamentary groups,

let us welcome
the representative of the Baltic states,

Prime Minister, Olga Tammsaare.


I went to bed with the PM,
like an escort does.

It's an honor to speak
to the European Parliament

and its representatives.

As you know, the Russian Federation

plans to open a new pipeline.

But until Russia recognizes our rights...

we're forced to impede Russian gas
from entering our land.

Not out of spite...

but as a gesture to assert our freedom.

Are you listening?

Yes, of course.

I was saying...

I don't...

I don't understand
why Guido dumped me this way.

We agreed on everything,
everything except for salads.

He left you over a salad?

I'd be a jackass if I'd dated
a guy who dumped me over a salad.

That's all for today.

I just started talking.

I have another patient.

We'll continue in our next session.

So I can be your patient?
You'll see me again?

I can't wait.



See you here same time tomorrow?

- No, I'll be in the office.
- What?

I work at the university
and have an office there.

See you here at 20:30 tomorrow.


This is mine.

Her name's Gabriela, she's Brazilian.

Lower your voice please!

This hot tamale is mine, her name's Irina.

Come on!

You should come too, we'll have fun.

I'm sure those girls
will have a ball with you two.

How pathetic!
I'm feeling sick, I'd better leave.

I have the feeling
Schiavone is a porthole pirate.

I heard you.

And you're supposed to represent Italy?

You'll get what's coming to you.

You will.

Hello, good morning.

The newlyweds!

Morning all, big and small.

How was the honeymoon?


- A dreamy cruise.
- Dreamy.

It's 8:30. Enough chitchat, get to work.

How odd.

"I came back from Paris
with some great patè."

Come for dinner tonight, I can't wait.

"Kisses, Consuelo."

Oh no.



I'm coming to your house
to watch the game.

- Roma's playing, you're a Lazio fan.
- Quit shouting.

I'll stamp you into oblivion.

Quit shouting. I'm right here.

I'm not coming to your house.

But I'm coming.


I have...

- A...?
- I have a...

A girl.

Just back from your honeymoon
and already getting action!

Serious action.

Tell me everything. Her name?

- "Girarrosto".
- Her surname?


It's the code name
I used for her in my phone.

I placed "Girarrosto"
in a secret, hidden address book.

What are you scheming?

Nothing, honey, we're not scheming.

Marullo has a house.

I know.

His house.

And he's got
the new digital terrestrial TV.

He wanted to celebrate...


By having friends over
to watch a game. Can I?

Go, loveylove. I'm modern,
I won't keep you on a leash.

It's not like you'll run off.

Run off...

to "Girarrosto"!

I don't want my husband
in my home if I'm not there.

Without an official separation
you can't stop him.

Attorney, whose side are you on?

Mine or his?

Let me finish. That's what the law says.

But no one can stop you
from changing the locks.

That's more like it.

A real pit bull.

My wife changed the locks
so I can't see my kids.

- Why laugh?
- Unbelievable.

This morning I advised
a client to do the same.

- Are you assisting my wife?
- No way!

My client's last name is...

Excuse me, it's a friend from the USA.

Gianni, how are you?

Life in New York is rough,
but I'm getting by.

Everything OK at my place?

Yes, thanks so much.

My apartment was empty, I'm here now.

Of course I'd lend it to you.

I'll be gone soon.

Relax, Max!
Your pal Longari doesn't need it now.

Take care.


- We were saying?
- Locks.


This is our first date,
let's stop talking about my ex.

Ok, or I may start talking about mine.

- Ex husband?
- I wish, then I could have sued him.

- So sorry!
- It's all right.

I'm used to it.
Eat a carrot, it's good for your eyes.

Here, protection from bad weather.

A toast in the teeth of those who hate us.

What day do lovers like best?

St. Valentine's day!

No, Missionary Day!

Another Mojito, the lady's offering.

Here I am.

- Hello, doctor.
- How are you feeling?

Not well, incredibly unwell.

I've gone from the suicidal phase
to the homicidal phase.

I wanted to go to his house
and bash his head in.

Don't do it,
or you'll need a criminal lawyer too.

By thinking about your couch
I stopped myself from doing it.

Speaking of the couch,
there's a change of plans.

- Really?
- The office is being cleaned now.

My session's canceled?

No, I live above my office,
we'll have our session there.


- Go ahead.
- Thanks.

- Hello, who is it?
- It's me.

- Who?
- Marco!

I'll be there in three minutes,
like a flash.

Hurry, the patè awaits you.

Be right there.

Ok, let's say two minutes.

Floriana, what?

I'm watching a film on TV and I miss you.

You miss me.

I'll record the film

so we can watch it together.

I'll let you do your manly things.

Bye, loveylove.

What a miserable night,
I didn't sleep a wink.

I was tossing and turning,
with a knot in my throat.

I know.

You kept trying
to understand why he left you.


You read my mind.

That's my job.

I learned these things from him.

The great Sigmund Freud.

Freud, the one who says
it's all about sex.

Yes, but he's a real brainiac.

As I was saying...

while I was tossing and turning...

I had...

an illumination.

I've only had three men in my life.

So I decided, as of tomorrow
I will sleep around like a fiend.

Like a fiend? What does that mean?

I will get it on with everyone and anyone!

What? Are you crazy? You need help.

What do you think I'm here for?


But I don't think
your issues will go away by...

- Fucking?
- Right, fucking the plumber.

That's not how it works.

And now, breaking news
from our correspondent.


A dangerous terrorist hunted
by the cops has taken a hostage.

A hostage?

That's my husband!

Pal, my father's from Egypt.

A neighborhood in Egypt.

Similar to Bufalotta, Garbatella.


Don't get riled up.
It's bad for you. Have a drink.

I'll smash you with it.

We're going to get hurt.


Antonio, it's Nunzia.
You didn't call, I'm worried.

So, how did it go? Tell me everything.

How was your first day
at the European Parliament?

I was so excited to see all of those MPs.

I felt important.

What's important
is we don't lose sight of our goals.

You're not in Brussels for glory,
you are there to make...

Lots and lots of money.

Heaps of money!

Remember, you're a top scorer,
start kicking goals!

I'd like to do politics too.

Goodnight, hunky scorer.

Don't wish me goodnight,
you'll jinx me. Take care.

She's not a woman, she's a slot machine.


You have no idea what happened.

You do know.

You can't imagine the fear.

You're telling me!

Why were you there?

Weren't you going to Marullo's?

Yes, but his digital terrestrial
wasn't working.

So I had to go to my cousin's...

My cousin whatsit...

Girolamo, my first cousin thrice removed.

He used to be twice removed
but got demoted.

Cruel fate, I almost became
a widow due to digital terrestrial.

A terrestrial miracle
just like the resurrection of Lazarus.

I feel blessed.

There's a goddess.
I mean goodness, what a scare!

- What's wrong?
- Total disaster.

- My wife's here to surprise me.
- Don't cry, speak clearly.

- My wife's on her way up.
- The hot tamale!

If my wife finds her here,
I'll be in hot water!

- What can I do?
- She'll get dressed and leave.

- How can I ever thank you?
- Say it, don't spray it.

Thanks, you're a pal.

A pretty girl like you with Lo Foco?
You must have a strong stomach.

Don't do it, just tell him:
"Lo Foco, I don't want to."

Him again? Lo Foco, what is it?

Antonio, it's Olga.

Hot tamale, stuff yourself under the bed!

How does Lo Foco do this? Unbelievable!

Coming, Olga!

Hold on.

Antonio, I'm here for an SOS.

Like Lo Foco.

I was shocked
when I saw you in Parliament.

So was I, when I realized you're a PM!

Nobody can find out
about what happened

between us the other night,
or I'm doomed.

They found us!

- Who is it?
- Lo Foco, open up!

- What a pain!
- Who is it?

- A fellow MP.
- No, not under the bed!

You're tall,
your feet will stick out. In the bathroom!

Oh my God!

What a night! Jinxed by Nunzia!

I told her not to say goodnight!

- Now what?
- The Cossack forgot this.

- Fifteen cm hooker heels.
- I'll give you a heel in the head.

- Thanks Schiavone, you're a pal.
- You pig!

Screw you and your hookers.

I don't know what's wrong, fellow MP.

I ate a hot tamale.

Maybe it was rotten,
my stomach is killing me now.

Do you have a bottle of bitters
or something?

I'm not a bar!

Please help.

Say it, don't spray it.

Goodbye, Lo Foco.

Thanks, my head feels
much better now. Goodbye.


All set.

- The coast is clear.
- Good.

- Mum's the word.
- Don't worry.

- Thanks.
- Goodnight.

Now what will I tell Nunzia?

I haven't made breakfast for two in ages.

What happened with your ex?

He cheated on me with my neighbor.

So he lives next door now?

No, she cheated on him
with the man downstairs.

Like a train station,
people coming and going.


Coming or going?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying here.

- The pain!
- You're having a string of bad luck.

Total apocalypse. Give me a banana peel.

- You mean potato peel.
- Right, yes!

I'm so sorry.

No, not the plumber!


Hello, Valentina.

Sorry for calling so early.

I need to cancel our session,
the plumber's coming over.

Not the plumber!

I need him, my pipes need a good cleaning.

As your doctor, I forbid you
to get your pipes cleaned.

Oh God, you thought
I was serious the other night.

About sleeping around like a fiend?

I only said it because I was very upset.

- Good thing.
- In any case...

I wanted to thank you because...

it makes me happy that you care.

Yes, I've taken your situation
to heart, very much so.

I'm glad.

So I'll see you in two days?

At 8:30.


Baby cakes.

Bye, Attorney, see you tonight.

I still don't know what you do for work.

I'm an architect.
I remodel hotels, stores...

See you tonight, my architect.


- Can we share the elevator?
- Sure.

- No, my neighbor can walk down.
- Walk down.

It'll tone you up.

It'll tone you up.


Damn, what?

Damn, she's tall!

See you tonight.


Good morning...



I am out...



I'm running.


when will we meet?

Who are you texting?

- Oh no!
- You are such a klutz!

My numbers are boiled.

- Who do you need to call?
- Who?

Who do you need to call? Nobody!

- Only me!
- Only you.

- You got a boo-boo?
- On this finger.

- Kiss it.
- I have to kiss it?


- Better now?
- I can't feel a thing.

My finger will just fall off.



Stop, I'm not a terrorist. I'm Neapolitan!

I know her.

Damn it!

Why are you here? Are you crazy?

Yes, your last kiss made me crazy.

- It was a farewell kiss.
- No, it was a swell kiss!

That kiss showed me what you feel for me.

What I feel doesn't matter,
I have responsibilities.

I can't act rashly.

I already have.

Instead of going back to Sorrento,
I came here.

- And your wife?
- I said I was in the Baltic states

to sign an energy agreement
for the European Union.

I overdid it,
but when we Neapolitans tell a lie,

we do it in grand style!

- Well?
- I'm begging you to leave.

It's an impossible love, forget about me.

Let's meet again, just once.

Call me, I'm at the Grand Hotel.

Will you call me, Olga?

Olga, come on! Balticolì, Balticolà

I scared you shitless!

Antonio the mad dog
will rip out your heart!

All right, let's see.

Risky trade...

Just a second, ma'am.


I sent you 20 texts, you never reply.

You may not believe this, Consuelo, but...

my cell phone, in the milk...

in the morning...

It got dunked into milk like a cookie.

How did you find me?

I still have your card from five years ago
with the bank's address.

What a stroke of luck!

Do you want to grab a bite
during lunch break?

I wish.

But I'm not hungry
and I never have lunch during break.

I have lunch at dinner.

Excuse me, can I steal
my husband for a second?


Your husband?

Yes, we just got back from our honeymoon.

I'll go order your usual snack.

Pasta with cream sauce,
baby lamb, and cream puffs.

A little something to nibble on.

Sorry for interrupting.
See you later, loveylove.

Go on.

Not hungry?

I won't eat all of that.

I'll leave some for the dog.

You're pathetic.

I wanted to thank you, doctor.

Since I started therapy with you...

I've erased Guido from my mind.


A miracle has occurred.

I've fallen in love.


With whom?



I know it's a cliché, I researched it

and discovered
lots of depressed patients fall in love

with their therapists
who they consider sheet anchors.

I'm crazy about you.

I'm dying to kiss you.


But I know you're not allowed to.

For ethical reasons,
you have to keep your distance.

No, who said that? Not always.

- You took the Hippocratic oath.
- Yes, but so what?

It's not just a kiss.

It's not?

I want to have wild sex with you.


I realize it's insane.

I wasn't sure if I should tell you.

I've made a decision, doctor.

Since I'm particularly fragile right now

and couldn't bear another heartbreak,

we can't see each other anymore.

Thanks for everything.

Farewell, doctor.


Doctor Rinaldi, it's De Rossi.

I'm in pain, I need to see you now.

Attorney. Mrs. Marangoni.

What's going on?



I hired a detective and found out
my husband has a mistress.


It's you!

You're Max's wife?

Stop play-acting, you knew! I trusted you.

I've never witnessed anything like this.

I should have you disbarred.

But I won't because
I'm a friend of your father's.

I want you out of this firm, for good.


Hi, it's Olga.

Olga Olga?

Yes, Olga Olga.

Yes, yes!

I have an idea.

Do you want to spend the weekend with me?

Antonio? Hello, are you there?

More or less, my heart just stopped.

How do I call an ambulance here?

Hi, Consuelo.

What do you want?
There's nothing left to say.

Go away.

Wait, let me explain.

What is there to explain?

This says it all!

It's true, I'm married.

What bad luck.

I got married
the day before I ran into you.

The woman I never stopped thinking about.

Nothing but bullshit.

If you married her, you must love her.

"Love her"? Love is a big word!

I respect her, admire her, care for her.

But you're the woman
of my dreams, I can feel it.

The mother of my children,
the grandma of my grandchildren.

If I'm the woman of your dreams...

prove it.

Give me time, I'll talk to her.

I'll wait till your 25th anniversary.

No, Marco!
I won't be anyone's mistress.

Make your choice now.


or me.

Excuse me.

Good evening, Max Marangoni.

My favorite attorney.

- Are you nuts?
- You tricked me, you asshole!

You knew I was your wife's attorney!

You're my wife's attorney?

Don't play dumb.

I'm not!

You hit on me
so you could get insider information.

You even changed your surname.

You make me sick!

Longari's my friend, he put me up
when my wife threw me out.

She was right to throw you out,
you're a louse!

Good evening, Mr. De Rossi.

- Why?
- That's what you deserve!

You're not Dr. Rinaldi,
I just found out five minutes ago.

I came here to pay for our sessions.

And guess who I met?

Doctor Rinaldi, the real one!

You tricked a weeping woman.
You piece of shit!

You're a piece of shit!

She was reciting
the ending of a film she saw.

Olga, lov...

My husband.

Lovely to be here with you,
with both of you!

- MP Schiavone.
- My pleasure.

- Welcome.
- You speak Italian.


And these are our children,
Marcus and Joanna.

- Nanny Lena.
- Maddalena, Neapolitan?

What beautiful kids,
you look nothing like daddy!

He's here on behalf of the European Union

to discuss an important energy agreement.

Fine, I'll make you a drink.


I'm pretty good with lies too.

Set up my room.

And I'll need some coffee tomorrow.

Dinner will be in 30 minutes.


Why not admit you're Neapolitan?
Are you an illegal alien?

What part of Naples
are you from, Santa Lucia?

Tonight is girls' night out,
just me and my girlfriends.

Friends? Your cousin.

Sure you don't want to come?

No, I don't feel like it.
Plus that cousin of yours...

annoys me.


Then maybe I should stay here with you.

No, go! Why would you stay?

- You have a hangdog expression.
- It's my normal expression.

I'll stay here with the remote.


Movies, pizza, and then I'll be back home.

Bye, loveylove.

You forgot something.




Bye, gorgeous.




I love my husband so much!
Bye, loveylove. See you soon.



as you see...

I'm not home.

Knowing you,
you're probably wondering why.


Because I went out.

You should consider me a desaparecido.


I've gone...



I chose you.

All right...

Juniper-infused salmon with elderberries.

Impressive, wow!

Taste it first.

In Italy it would be unheard of
for the PM to serve someone.

From what we see in the papers,
the PM does other things.

Unfortunately, we have a bad reputation.

In Italy, gossip and politics
are one and the same.

Here, we still believe in politics.

You know,
in order to get involved in politics,

Olga abandoned
her professorship in chemistry.

In my own modest way,
I abandoned a pharmacy.

When my country won
independence from Russia,

I felt the need
to partake in our democracy.

People believed in me and voted for me.

They count on me, Antonio.

I can't betray them,
in any way whatsoever.




Gesundheit! You're all catching colds.

No, it means "thank you".

Should I be worried?

About what?

You haven't said a word.

About what?

How was I?

- Knock it off.
- Tell me.

I'm not one of those women
who gives scores.

March 7th, date with Oscar.

We did it three times, seven plus.

She said she doesn't give scores.

March 8th, movies with Luigi.

I brought him home after.

He has a tiny pecker!

May 15th, I run into Marco at the airport.

I met him when I was a hostess.

I totally stood him up.

But he's still crazy about me.

Maybe I should consider him.

Men take me to bed,
but none of them stays with me.

With this recession, I could lose my job.

Marco has a good, steady job at the bank.

He's no Raoul Bova,
but I'd be taken care of.

Plus, I can find
lots of Raoul Bovas to play with.

Another vodka?

No, I already had three.

I had twice as many!

He holds his liquor well.


He's gone.

Every night he gets drunk
and falls asleep on the chair.

Every night? He never takes a night off?

Sorry, I know you expected
a different kind of weekend.

Your phone call built up my hopes.

I wanted you to realize
it's impossible for us to be together.

Don't worry, I realize it.

And I realized more things too.

Hope you'll remember me fondly.

I'm off.

If you don't mind,
I'll sit here a bit longer

and watch the river.

Where I live, on the Amalfi Coast,

there's a lovely place
called Sant'Agata dei Golfi.

At times, I sit there on a bench...

look at the sea,
and get lost in my thoughts.

Next time I go there...

I'll think of you.


Loveylove, I'm back!

Where are you?


The letter.

Don't open it!

You gave me a scare!

- Where were you?
- I went to throw out the suitcase.

The garbage, the recycling.

- Don't open it!
- How sweet, a letter.

Let me read it to you.

I'll read it.

I'll read it
because my handwriting's messy.

Fine, I'm curious to hear
what you've written.

But I want to read it standing up,

standing up and from a distance.

I'll read it better this way,
it'll work better.

"For Floriana." That's you.

I know.

"Dear Floriana..." colon.

Colon? Comma!

Same thing.

Should I carry on?


Not enough?

"As you see..."

we've been married for a month

and I wonder if I'll ever live up
to your expectations.

I realize I'm no Raoul Bova...

but I will do my best to make you happy.

Because you are...

"you are..."

What am I?

You are kind...



Respectable, above all.

And I...

I am very lucky...

to have met such a wonderful woman.

Loveylove, that letter is
the most precious thing I've received.

I want to save it.

What are you doing? Spit it out!

Spit it out!

I want to save it inside of me.

- Bite by bite...
- Don't!

I'll eat it all, don't worry.
Dinner won't be necessary.

All right, eat it.

Do we have any Alka-Seltzer?

Geez, that Baltic vodka...

Too heavy, Falanghina is much nicer.

Ice cold!


Olga, what a nice surprise.

This is the weekend
I dreamt of. Me and you.

You feel so fleshy!

So plump,
you're chock full of juniper berries!

Make me go wild, Italian stallion!

Oh God, big mamma!

Nanny Lena, I'm in the wrong room!

I can't, I'm married.

I don't care, my love!

No, I'm gay!

Nobody's perfect.

I have no prostate.

You don't care.

No biting!

Help, I don't want to die!

Get off of me, Moby Dick!

Bring in Green Peace!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

Because they don't have time.
Good one, huh?

Good one.

- You know so many jokes!
- Tons.

If you invite me in, I'll tell you more.

No, it's late.

We've been standing here
for 30 minutes, goodnight.

Don't leave me here, let me come in.

I told you, I have to wake up early.

It won't take long,
we'll just have a quickie.

No, don't insist.

I made you laugh all night
and I can't even get a quickie?

Lady, give him a quickie, or else I will!

Lay off the buzzer, will you?
I can't take the ringing anymore!


Thanks, Granny!

Doctor Rinaldi,
why are you calling so late?

I was taking stock of my life

and decided that,
if anything happens to me,

I want you to give my eulogy in church.

Fabio, have you lost your mind? In church?

Yes, because you're a funny person.

So it won't be a sad event.

I'm counting on you.



- What are you doing?
- Killing myself.

- And you?
- I'm killing myself too.

Is this another trick?

No, it's something
I've been considering for a while.

I postponed it when I met you.

When you came into Rinaldi's office,
I was there as a patient.

Know why?

My bitch ex-girlfriend
dumped me because of a salad

via text message.

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried to, but you were so worked up
you wouldn't let me.

You could have told me
when I calmed down.

It was too late then
because I was already in love with you.

I was already in love with you.
I fell in love while you were talking.

Let's get this straight,
the one who fell in love with you

is me!


But since you're a liar,
and you are a liar,

I'm going to kill myself!

Me too, since you don't believe me.

This makes no sense.

I mean...

if both of us are in love...

why are we killing ourselves?

It's senseless.

Fate must be rooting for us.

Can I still get a kiss?


But tell me your name.

I don't kiss strangers.



I'm still Valentina.

this time I've caught my husband.

I no longer work here.

My friend filmed this in a bar last night.

Attorney Stanziani!

He's not here.

- Where is he?
- In court for the Marangoni case.

My client's husband is an immoral man.

A man who was even capable...

of seducing Attorney Gardini,
Mrs. Marangoni's lawyer,

in order to extract info from her.

I am certain
this man's despicable behavior...

- Despicable?
- Despicable.

Will affect the amount of alimony
my client's entitled to.

Thanks. Now let's hear
from Mr. Marangoni's attorney.

Go on.

Attorney, it's our turn.

Your Honor, given the circumstances,
I defer to your judgment.


Hold on, Your Honor.

- Who are you?
- Sandra Gardini.

Mrs. Marangoni's ex-attorney.

But I'm here now to defend her husband.

And myself.

My husband's sleeping with my attorney.

Clever dog, that way
he can get insider information.

No, he doesn't know who she is
and vice versa.

They met by chance.


A stroke of luck for us.

When the judge finds out,
he'll have to fork over alimony.

Especially if it's a female judge.

We won!


I'm glad to have unmasked
that harpy ex-wife of yours.

I'm glad. Now you know
I was being sincere.

Forgive me for slapping you.

Only if you dine with me tonight.

- I can't.
- Why not?

I'm going to London tonight.

I've been hired
by a new law firm for two years.

Congrats. My string of bad luck continues.

- Stop it.
- Life isn't like a Bullock film.

- Good luck.
- Same to you.

Can't you postpone your flight?


What's wrong?

How disappointing, I married a sucker.

A sucker?

You're right.

I've been sucking up too much shit.

Swindling, manipulating, scheming.

All of this crap
that's been dragged into politics.

- But no more!
- Of course not.

You resigned. What were you thinking?

While being a slave
to money, power, and you...

- Me?
- Especially you!

- What did I ever ask of you?
- Are you kidding?

Mozzarella, oranges, kiwi, a full-on menu!

I lost sight
of what politics is really about.


Not betraying
those who trusted you and voted for you.

Nonsense, politics has changed.

Then I'll change too,
I'll be a pharmacist again.

You're mediocre, you don't deserve me.

Some top scorer, go back to the bench.

Bench, my foot!

I'd rather go outside of the stadium,

far away from you!

You don't deserve me!
Actually, as of today...

consider me your ex.

And if you walk by my pharmacy,
I'll throw a box of aspirin in your face.

And suppositories!

Idiot, give your sister
some suppositories!


- I need to buy a charger.
- I'll wait here.

What a surprise, Fabio!





I was wrong to leave you.

I feel sad and lonely without you.

Let's get back together.

Too late.

I'm happy now.

Very happy.

I met a wonderful man after you left.

Sorry, Guido.

Sorry, Esther.


Damn it!

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I just tripped.

Hi, how are you?

I'm still...

Having a string of bad luck.


I was here visiting my parents,
but I'm heading back to London.

I'm going to Berlin,
I'm remodeling a hotel there.

You look good.

I'm doing fine despite the ups and downs.

Despite everything.


Safe travels.

It was nice to see you.




My suitcase?

Did you see a beige suitcase?
I fell down there.

Have you seen
a beige suitcase? I left it there.

There it is. Catania, desk 269. Hurry up.

Funny meeting you here!

The newlyweds.

Do we know you?

In the bank.

Remember me, Mr. Marco?

Right! She was
one of our short-term clients.

Where are you going, lovebirds?

Today's our anniversary.

We're taking
a second honeymoon to Taormina.

What a coincidence.
I'm going on a honeymoon too.

So you found...

You got married?

Yes, I'm her husband.

- Honey!
- Sweet cheeks.

Sorry, it's still so odd
to call myself a husband.

I was chronically single.

Then I met sweet cheeks two months ago

and had to change my ways

because she is the most...

most beautiful, most charming.

And so honest!

Right, a real saint.

Well said, she is indeed a saint.

I feel so lucky.

Let's go or we'll miss the flight.
Carry my suitcase.

Yes, let's go.

My husband is a saint too.

Saint Sonite!

Funny, right?

She's lovely.


She's not my type.

Good answer.

Sandra, wait!

I'm coming to London.

- You can't!
- Why not?

- That's a problem.
- You have a man?

No, I bought a ticket to Berlin.

This is just like the ending...

Of a Sandra Bullock film.


- He took my bad luck.
- Run before he gives it back.

Berlin or London?


Excuse me!

You were right.

Looking at the sea
from this bench is beautiful.

Do I know you?

MP Schiavone?

No, I left the world of politics.

I left my wife too.

Well, I'm still married.

What excuse did you use to be here?

G20 in Naples.

- Your husband believed it?
- Yes.

- With all that vodka he drinks...
- It's actually true.

The G20 starts tomorrow.

I never thought I'd see you.

I assumed you'd forgotten me.

How can I forget a man
sitting on a bench thinking about me?

- Thinking about you?
- Yes.

I'll take you to the Amalfi Coast's
best restaurant tonight.

Poached fish?

Us, out at a restaurant?

- So?
- What if they see us?

In Italy, nobody cares
about a Prime Minister's flings.

I've missed you.