Elayne Boosler: Live Nude Girls (1991) - full transcript

[microphone drones]

Live Nude Girls. I've made it a habit

in my 42 years of standup-- of course, if you're watching

this in the future, it's 89 years of standup.

Why did I ever take an adjustable mortgage?

I've made it a habit not to complain

about being a female standup and just take whatever comes

and just work through it.

I had three specials before this one.

They were highly rated.

They were on all the time. All the time!



After Showtime had them, Lifetime had them.

Lifetime had them on every 16 seconds.

Which is why they call it Lifetime.

They were on everywhere forever.

I was so well-known I couldn't get work.

I couldn't get work as a standup,

I couldn't get cast in anything, I was broke again,

I had nothing happening. Here we go again.

And my friend, who was also a female comic,

said, "We've had more success than so many of the guys.

Why don't our careers snowball?"

And my line to her was, "Ice don't stick to girls."

So, ice don't stick to girls, I was broke, I needed work.

Really good friend of mine said,



"I know how to book everything.

Let me book you all across the country.

We'll just go for a percentage of the door.

We'll travel, we'll pay our own way.

I bet you we can make money and you'll get booked."

He had to talk all these clubs into letting us come on

a Monday or a Sunday or a Tuesday

when they were dark at our own expense and work.

And we went together. It was a lot of fun

to travel the whole country and realize that all these people

who wouldn't hire me, then said, "When can you come back?"

And I said, "Never!" No, I went back.

We lasted a year and a half on the road.

I bought 19 houses. [laughs]

I got a fourth special. This one, Live Nude Girls

and the reason it was called Live Nude Girls

was because my friend went to strip clubs

all day and all night long except for

the hour and a half that I was on stage.

He would tell the strippers that he was opening for me

on stage and he would give away half the tickets every night.

This is how bad it got. One day I'm at at the beach

in a little bikini, very skinny,

and I'm lying down and I have a hat over my face

so I don't sunburn my face and I hear a familiar voice

"Hey, do you want to come to a free comedy show tonight?

I'm working with Elayne Boosler."

And I take my hat off my face and he goes,

"[gasps]" And I said, "You idiot!

I am so tired of pimping for you

and stop giving away our tickets!"

But it was great and the strippers were

really great people, of course, no surprise.

And so he said, "You have to come to these clubs

with me 'cause they all want to meet you."

So I started going with him. I just watched everything.

It was fascinating and fun.

I got to know so many great women

and I got to write this show.

And I thought, "Well, I might as well call it

Live Nude Girls because there's so much material

about strip clubs in it. I thought if I named it

Live Nude Girls, I would have the highest rated first minute

of any comedy special in history.

[laughs] This one's Live Nude Girls.

Hope you like it.

And this is Ron Chapman on KVIL Radio Dallas/Fortworth.

["Deep in the Heart of Texas" by Gene Autry playing]

♪ The stars at night

♪ Are big and bright

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ The prairie sky

♪ Is wide and high

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ The sage in bloom

♪ Is like perfume

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ Reminds me of

♪ The one I love

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

[cheers and applause]

[man] Ladies and gentlemen,

a warm Dallas welcome for Elayne Boosler.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks for coming out

on a school day and everything.

It is so great to be in Dallas after 30 cities.

I've toured 30 cities and-- and they said,

"Why you doing Dallas?" I said, "Oh, I come here

for the--the heat and the humidity. Yeah!"

[laughter]

What is it? A hundred and four today?

Well, I'll be fair. With the wind-chill 103, but...

I was jogging and you know how squirrels

run in front of you when you're jogging?

The squirrel dragged himself.

"Fall on me. Kill me. I don't wanna live."

Dragging his tail.

I never saw a squirrel mosey before.

It's great. I've been everywhere.

I was in Kentucky for Derby Week.

It's like Mardi Gras, Derby Week.

What a frenzied week of preparation

for a two-minute heat.

It's like dating.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, I was in Amarillo for Tornado Day.

That was scary.

Tornados are scary. I watched Kansas blow away

on CNN this winter

and--had CNN on, you know, the storms were just raging

and I walked by the TV and I heard him say

there are two million people across the country

without power and I thought,

"Ooh, must be the Democrats."

[laughter]

We'll get somebody. We'll find somebody.

Yeah, it's been a great tour. I've been on a billion flights.

So many different airlines.

I was on a South American airline.

I sat in the, uh, "no internal cocaine-filled condom"

section of the airplane.

[laughter]

Smuggling is beyond me.

These people swallow 87 condoms filled with cocaine

and get on an airplane.

Don't they have shopping bags in these countries?

Sitting on the plane, stuffed to the gills.

"Will you be having lunch?" "No! I'm full."

They caught a guy who had swallowed 87 condoms

filled with cocaine and I can't take

two Tylenol at the same time.

And if they get to this country, they have to give them back.

You know how they give them back?

Naturally.

Yeah, they--they don't operate. They give them back naturally.

And you think you have pressure at work.

[laughter]

I mean, it's hard enough going to the bathroom

first day in a new place anyway...

let alone with Carlos outside the door with an M-16,

"Let's get moving! We got folks waiting out here!"

"[groans]

[crying]

I need a Reader's Digest and a bran muffin!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Too much drugs. Too much crime.

There's a lot of crime, you know?

I've seen it in my travels.

I'm gonna move back to New York this year.

I picked a great time to go, haven't I?

City's out of money. At night now they're dimming

the streetlights by 30% to save money.

"Ooh." [laughs]

Everyone's gonna be describing their attacker

in the same way. "Well, uh, he--he--

he had a knife and-- and he was squinting!"

My friends say to me, "How can you move back?

Aren't you afraid of getting killed in the street?"

I said, "I'm already used to that thought.

If it happens, it happens.

I just hope if it does happen

I really hope the chalk outline doesn't make me look fat."

[laughter]

Hey, New York's okay. There's crime everywhere.

It's even now. They just caught the first

female serial killer in Florida.

Eight men, but she didn't kill them.

I read about it. She--She gained access

to their homes and she hid the remote controls

and they killed themselves.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Who's booing?

Who's booing? Who's booing?

Guys who boo have the remote controls

in their pockets at the show.

We don't mind you flipping the channels,

we just hate when you aim those things at us.

I can't dye my hair that fast.

You know, last night I did this joke

and a woman right in the front said, "Yay."

I said, "Yay?" "First female serial killer."

I said, "It's not exactly equal pay, ma'am."

[laughter]

She said, "Well, it's a-- it's a stride forward

into a previously male dominated field, isn't it?

[laughter]

I hope in keeping with economics,

she only gets 65% of the sentence

a male serial killer would be getting."

Wow. [laughs]

Lotta stress out there. I know.

I was in some city. So I'm crossing the street

so I'm in front of a guy's car and the light changes.

He has to wait one extra second

for me to clear his car and he yells out of his window,

"Whore!"

[laughter]

I looked at him. I said, "What a memory!"

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, there's tension out there.

I did a Fox TV special from San Quentin prison.

Anybody see that show?

-The Fox show? -[cheers and applause]

It was a pretty good show. Lot of good comics there.

That was a little tense. I don't mind telling you.

I think comedy's supposed to be nice and relaxed like this

and there I was in jail in front of a large group of men

I basically tried to avoid at night for most of my life.

I mean, there were the guys. There was a catwalk

and a guy with a machine gun aiming down at the whole thing.

And I thought, "I hope he likes the jokes.

The hell with these guys. I'm here for you, baby."

[laughter]

Looking at this gun I thought, "What do I do

if he shoots a guy during my show?

Do I incorporate it into the act?"

You don't just show up in prison.

You have to plan it.

You have to think about what you're gonna wear.

Had to pick out my clothes to go to prison.

Just basically stood in my closet thinking,

"Turtleneck."

Well, San Quentin. I didn't want cleavage.

I didn't want a space between my teeth for that show.

I didn't part my hair for that show.

[laughter]

I just wanted to show up and say, "Good evening!

I have no openings!"

Paul Rodriguez was on that show. He was great.

He was great that night. He drove me crazy.

We were in the prison yard all day

and he kept dragging me over to prisoners saying,

"Hey, man, how many cigarettes you give me for her, huh?"

[laughter]

I said, "Paul, stop!"

Then this big guy comes out of death row.

I said, "Don't do it." He said, "Aw, Elayne,

you gotta lighten up. Hey, man! Hey, man!

How many cigarettes you give me for her?"

This guy looks me right in the eye and says,

"I will give you one carton of cigarettes...

for him."

[audience exclaims, laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I said, "Deal! Come on, Paul, you gotta lighten up here, man."

We read about crime in the paper every day.

See last year in the paper this guy got off for rape

'cause the woman he raped wasn't wearing underwear

and the jury decided she was asking for it?

[groans] Well, now whenever I leave home

I always wear two pairs of underwear.

I want him to know I wasn't even thinking about it.

[laughter]

When I'm in Utah, four pairs of underwear.

[laughter]

Getting a little tough for women in Utah.

Women are actually moving from Utah to Iraq

so they can have some rights.

[audience exclaims, groans]

[cheers and applause]

I like playing Utah and I like the people,

but their politics getting kinda goofy, you know?

It's one of the only states still where you can, uh,

they allow a rape victim's past sexual history

into courtroom.

So, you know, what is that?

Like if they can prove you had sex before,

well, you've just had it again then.

-Um... -[laughter]

You know, you don't get a context until you think

if they did it with other crimes.

Say, if a man got beat up.

Say a guy gets beat up to an inch of his life

and shows up to press charges. "He beat me up!"

"Yeah, so what?" "What do you mean, 'so what'?"

"You've been beaten up before." "What are you talking about?"

"You did a little boxing in college there.

Didn't you, buddy boy?" "That's different!"

"Why is it different? You love it.

Weren't you the one who used to say to your roommates,

'Come on, as hard as you can. Right here. Right here'?"

"Well, he robbed me." "Oh, he robbed you, did he?

How much you pay for that Tyson fight on TV that lasted

a minute and two seconds, huh?"

[laughter]

We still have wars. We have women in the military,

but we don't put them in the front lines

'cause they don't know if we can fight.

They don't know if we can kill. I think we can.

I think all the General has to do is walk over

to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there?

I just heard 'em talking. They, uh...

say you look fat in those uniforms."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Whatever happened to "make love not war"?

Well, that dates me. I was in college 20 years ago.

Yup, I'm in my mid-twenty tens now and, uh...

Oh, mid to late twenty tens and, uh, since my last special

I'm down to having three eggs left at this point

-so no kids. -[laughter]

Not gonna make it with three eggs left.

I read that you can't have children when you get older

'cause your eggs age and I thought,

"Well, how old are these eggs? Maybe I can't have children,

but maybe I can have grandchildren."

[laughter]

Maybe it's good I don't have kids because what would I say

to a kid about drugs? I never lie.

You know, when I was in college, that was 20 years ago,

the love generation, psychedelics.

There was LSD. It was mind-expanding.

I took LSD in college and then I left school

and got responsible, got a job,

didn't do drugs again, but, you know, for the two years

that I was in college, I probably did LSD...

okay everyday for two years that I was in college, so...

What could I say to a kid about drugs?

I don't like to lie. I would sound the way

our mothers talked to us about their music.

You know how your mom says, "What is with this hard rock?

We had lovely music. You could understand the lyrics.

You could sing along. You could dance to it."

What would I say to a kid about drugs?

"What is with this crack? We had acid.

The colors were beautiful!

[cheers and applause]

It was affordable.

Five dollars, you were high for a whole semester!

We didn't have to rob banks. For me.

Just for me once try a little acid.

Please! Ple--"

[laughs]

I read that LSD is making a big comeback now.

It's actually replacing foreign pot

as the drug of choice. I guess it's part of that big

move to kinda try and take pride in stuff that's being

made in America again.

Everything comes around again in every way.

Birth control, too. Remember it used to be condoms?

Then we were so happy when the pill came out

and now we're back to condoms, which you should use

for your health, you know?

You know what just got invented in the store?

It's out there for the first time ever.

-Large-sized condoms. [laughs] -[audience cheers]

Might be pretty happy about that in Dallas I'm guessing.

Everything's so big here.

[laughter]

Large-sized condoms in the store for the first time.

Did you know? Did you know condoms had been

one size fits all?

And we thought we suffered with pantyhose.

[laughter]

Who knew just like us men were stumbling around

their apartment saying, "Man, you can't get these things

to come above the knee."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Large-sized condoms. You think they're gonna have

any trouble selling this product whatsoever?

I mean, just the intimidation factor alone.

"Oh, yeah, give me a pack of condoms."

"Oh, large?"

"Yeah!

And it's about time, too!

When are those extra, extra-large condoms coming out?"

I can just see the ads for this product.

"You'll grow into it!"

[laughter]

You know what they're called? Magnums.

Is this a terrible name for romance?

Name the thing after a weapon?

Would you hang around if a guy said,

"I'm coming back in five minutes with a Magnum"?

I'd be climbing out the window thinking, "Is he gonna fuck me

or shoot me? I gotta get outta here!"

[cheers and applause]

Why don't they name them something sound like fun?

Make you wanna hang around. "I'm coming back here

with a whole bag full of Yee-haws."

"All right."

We have some silly condoms out there.

You know what I saw in the store? Mint condoms.

"What are these? The after-dinner condoms?"

I did see one great, new brand.

It said, "extra super-sensitive condoms."

And I thought, "Wow, these must hang around

and talk to ya after the guy leaves."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

"When's your birthday?

I'd like to send you some flowers if I might."

I thought, "If they're so sensitive, who needs a guy?

Just give me half a dozen of those things, will ya?"

Well, if you're single and dating,

condoms are just something to keep in mind.

I'm single and dating again. Yeah, yeah.

Last summer broke up with someone after seven years.

Ooh. Thank you.

[laughs] Seven years.

Great guy. Good guy, but it just ran out.

Sometimes things just run out.

We looked at each other and we just said,

"Boy, you're perfect. No complaints.

You're the most wonder-- Eh, go now. Go away."

[laughter]

It just runs out sometimes, you know?

We were both unhappy the last year of it.

I gained 30 pounds the last year of the relationship

and I couldn't lose it. When we broke up,

I lost it like that! Like that!

I went on the "[gasps]...

New Guys Are Gonna See Me Naked" diet.

[laughter]

First I tried Slim Fast.

Oh, one delicious shake in the morning

and then migraines and diarrhea for the rest of the day.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I hope the Dodgers suffer.

Tommy Lasorda selling that stuff.

That's why you never see Tommy arguing on the field anymore.

He's always bolting for the John in the clubhouse.

"He's not out! He's not out! He's out!"

[laughter]

All my friends, they're in their twenty tens, too.

They said, "You better not break up.

There's nobody out there!"

I met somebody the next day.

They said, "How'd you do that?"

I said, "I left the house."

Starting over. When you start over,

you gotta land supplies, don't ya?

What does everybody buy? Men and women?

New sheets.

What do just women buy?

New underwear.

Some really, really good pair of fancy first date underwear.

Something right up in your butt there.

Make you miserable if the guy's late.

[laughter]

Something the guy's five minutes late, you say,

"You're late!" "Five minutes."

"Eh, it's not you. My butt's all sore now.

You gotta carry me to the restaurant now, man!"

You seen those butt bikinis? Thong bikinis.

They just outlawed them in Florida.

Did you know? Yeah.

They had to. People were dying.

-Yeah. Yeah! -[laughter]

Women would have them on and they'd get sand in 'em

and then they would go jogging.

Women were sawing themselves in half like magicians.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, get yourself a good pair of butt underwear

and get out there and start over.

Buy the underwear yourself, 'cause if the man

buys you the underwear, you got all sorts of trouble.

It's true. When I started

the seven-year relationship, I flew to New York

to spend my first weekend with him and I showed up

and he came out with a box from Victoria's Secret.

Ooh, what a store. I know.

You can even see through the boxes from this store.

And he took out a little outfit. "Little" is the key here.

Every woman's nightmare. Too small.

It was Barbie clothes.

He held it up. I said, "What is that?

A potholder? What is that?"

[laughter]

I thought either I should be flattered

that he remembered me being so tiny

or else he thought somebody else was coming over here tonight.

I wanted to help out. He said, "Come on, put it on."

I said, "Okay."

Two hours later he knocked on the bathroom door.

He said, "Elayne, two hours.

Are you coming out?" I said, "In a minute."

[laughter]

Finally got into this outfit. It was so small.

It was so tiny. I was immobile.

I could move nothing. And then I thought,

"Hey, maybe he really wanted to give me handcuffs

and he was just too shy."

I laced it up. I had ten seconds of air left.

I felt like Lloyd Bridges at the end

of every Sea Hunt episode.

I said, "How am I gonna make love to somebody

with ten seconds of air?" And I stepped out and he said,

"Wow." And I said, "Rip it off me!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

He ripped it off and I went, "[breathing hard]"

Oh, he thought he was the king of love!

[laughter]

I guess he was. Seven years.

No bad, but then... life moves on

and you have to move along with it

and so... so now I have a new guy and--

and you know what I found? The new guy--

or the new woman, doesn't matter.

The new person, they're not better than the old person.

They're not even really different than the old person.

They do the same things to annoy you,

it's just that they're allowed to because

you haven't told them not to do it 1,000 times yet.

This new guy's real different for me.

I never was with anyone like this.

He's a big, Norwegian Viking from Wisconsin.

I look at him like he's an exhibit.

I had to get a book. "What is their habitat?

What do they eat?"

[laughter]

He's a big, happy guy. He wakes up happy.

I wake up real grouchy.

Makes it worse when someone's happy next to ya.

"[growls] Are you happy again this morning?"

"Yeah!" "[growls]

How come you're so happy?"

"Well, I think we're supposed to be happy."

"What?"

"I think we're put on Earth to be happy."

"I've never had a thought like that in my life.

[laughter]

I think we're here to worry."

"Well, if it makes you happy." "Hey! Hey! Hey!"

[laughter]

He's happy. He's fearless. He loves to do stuff.

He says, "Come on, let's get outside. Let's go skiing!"

"Skiing? No, I'm too scared. I'm too scared."

"Oh, come on. Fear is the best part of sports."

"I've never had a thought like that in my life."

Fear is the best part of sports?

"Then how come they don't have sharks in the pool

at the Olympics?

How come there's no snipers on the downhill slalom?

'Oh, he's coming down that last flag.

He's headed for the gold! Boom!

Oh, too bad.'"

He said, "How come you're so afraid of everything?"

I said, "Because we were raised different.

You were raised by big, happy people...

who woke up early in a good mood and...

threw you off the top of a mountain when you were two

and yelled, 'Ofta! Ride it out, honey!'

After that, you could do anything.

I was raised by small, worried people...

who put a rubber mat on the bottom of our own

bathtub because, God forbid,

we should slip and kill ourselves!"

[laughter]

Not only did we have a rubber mat at the bottom of the tub,

my mother then actually glued rubber flowers

to the bottom of our feet so we really couldn't go anywhere.

[laughter]

I don't know how these things happen, but I think

the Yiddish language was invented by a person

wearing an angora sweater. I do.

I think they were talking regular like other people,

then a little piece of wool flew up and they went,

"[clears throat]

[laughter]

[clears throat]

[clears throat] Chhhanukkah! It's out!

A holiday!" And that's how holidays got...

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Well, all religions parallel each other.

You have confession, we have gossip.

What's the difference really?

I was watching Mardi Gras from New Orleans on television.

Lent starts the day after Mardi Gras.

Good planning!

You have guys in church saying, "I'm putting these ashes

on my head make up for the lampshade

that was on my head yesterday."

We all invent holidays for our convenience.

President's Day? Washington, Lincoln.

People who died for this country,

we have the nerve to change their birthdays

'cause we don't wanna take off in the middle of the week!

We're a tough crowd.

Only one birthday we don't dare change, Jesus.

He may be back. We don't want him pissed.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

You imagine if he came back and we changed his birthday?

What would he say? "You what?!

I died for your sins and you couldn't take off

on a Wednesday?

What do we have to do for you people?"

I had a great Christmas. I went to Wisconsin.

Spent it with a Viking family. Big, happy people!

Sitting around throwing back vodkas

telling childhood stories that curled my blood!

His mom said, "You know, Elayne, when Mikey was a little boy

we had a motorboat. Oh, yeah,

a nice, big outboard motorboat, too,

and he fell over into the water.

Eight years old, right into the water.

Well, the boat starts circling around his head,

but I mean closer and closer and closer to the him.

Ooh, and the blades are chopping up right by his hair there,

you know, and he starts calling out, 'Mom! Mom!'

Oh, well, what could I do? I was in the boat.

[laughs]"

[laughter]

Wanna hear the daredevil story my mother tells company?

"You know, something? Once a glass broke

on the kitchen floor. Not one week later...

she was back in there with no shoes on."

[laughter]

Really. A glass broke in 1954.

My folks sold the house in '85,

my mother warned the new owners.

She said, "I'm gonna be honest with ya,

I think I got all the big pieces, but you don't know.

You can't know. You don't. You can't.

I don't want the responsibility. I don't know."

[cheers and applause]

I like it better over at the Viking's house.

They just take everything in stride.

His mom said to me, "You know, Elayne, our other son, Lonnie,

he was eaten by a bear. Well, not eaten exactly,

but bitten in half, you know?"

I said, "What are you talking about?"

She said, "Big bear. Big, brown bear.

Good looking bear, too. Chased him right up a tree

and bit him in half."

I said, "He's dead?" She said, "No."

I said, "What?! You don't die a bear bites you in half?"

She said, "Well, maybe you people.

Yeah, you make such a big deal out of everything."

I said, "Mrs. Viking, what's for breakfast?"

She said, "Duck." I said, "Duck again?"

She said, "Gotta get that comforter finished

for Mikey's bed, you know?"

They pluck their own quilts. Who are these people?

[laughs] They're great.

They live with nature. Nothing's wasted.

His dad shoots the ducks, they eat the meat,

they pluck the quilts, they chop off their feet,

ship 'em to Las Vegas, make eyelashes

for those Showgirls. Nothing's wasted!

[laughter]

My parents don't let air in the house.

My parents have plastic covers on everything in their house.

Even the dog looks like a little, barking hassock

running around.

I like Mrs. Viking. I called her for Easter.

I said, "Happy Easter." She said, "Happy Easter to you.

Oh, it's not your holiday." I said, "Yes, it is.

I embrace any holiday based on candy.

It is my holiday."

How long ago was Easter?

I'm still going through Peeps withdrawal.

Peeps! Peeps!

Marshmallow chickies and bunnies.

Pink sugar. Yellow sugar.

Oh, I love 'em so much I can taste the difference

between the pink and the yellow sugar.

I can taste the eye and it's only painted on.

You don't love Peeps?

Maybe you haven't had 'em properly aged yet.

They're only good stale.

You buy 'em, you slit the package,

you go away for a couple of days.

Come back. When you can knock on

the counter You got some Peeps there.

Oh, Peeps are good. They're seasonal.

We can't just go get 'em now. We probably want 'em now.

Gotta wait. Peeps molt in the spring

like soft-shell crab.

Then they come out and they're 49 cents a box.

Not too bad. Day after Easter?

Ten cents a box.

Eat 'em till you faint.

Think, "I'll never want these again."

A week later, you're looking for drug dealers.

"Hey, hey! I got 100 bucks, you got Peeps?"

[laughter]

It's interesting being with a Viking, you know?

We're both in our mid-twenty tens.

I said to him, "Hey, we're both in our mid-twenty tens,

but I'm female. I am supposed to be

sexually peaking now."

He said, "Oh, yeah, are ya?" I said, "Well, I don't know."

He said, "Well, what's it supposed to feel like?"

I said, "Well, I'm supposed to feel exactly the way you felt

when you were 18."

He said, "Don't move. I'm gonna put down newspapers."

[laughter]

I'm looking forward to it.

It's nice dating when you're a little older because

you appreciate everything you do for each other.

The man's been eating his own cooking for 38 years.

I don't cook very well. I made him dinner he said,

"Whoa, this is great!" I said, "Is it?"

He said, "It's hot!"

[laughter]

We all want a good relationship. We're willing to try.

We all want to give the other person what they want, don't we?

Trouble is, what does anybody want?

Who knows? What do women want?

Women want someone who--

Women want someone.

[laughter]

Just a person. [laughs]

I know what men want. I know what men want.

You guys tell me if I'm right, okay?

Men want to be really...

really, really close to someone

who will leave them alone.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I fell in love.

I didn't think I was gonna fall in love.

I didn't want to and certainly I thought

you fall in love for no reason.

Someone has freckles or they say something cute,

you're in love, right? I fell in love for a reason.

A real reason. A goofy reason.

I've known a lot of nice men in my life.

I have no complaints.

I've known men who've been to even...pick up the garbage

and take it outside when they saw it sitting out there.

No small thing as you know, but, uh...

this is the first time in my entire life

somebody actually...

put a new bag back into the can!

[women cheering]

[cheers and applause]

Do you know what it's like to be running from the sink

to the garbage with eggshells dripping

at your elbows and coffee gr--

"Did you throw it out? Thank you very much!

Cl--Oh, jeez! Ew!"

There I was headed for the garbage and I said,

"Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

I think there's a bag in the can!

Oh, man, he didn't know where they were.

He had to look for 'em. He had to make an effort.

He wasn't just sliding by, he planned ahead.

He thought about me!

There's a bag in the garbage can!"

[sings angelic music]

[cheers and applause]

The clouds broke. The sun came out in my own home

and I had a revelation after 20 years of dating.

It was so clear. Anybody can fuck,

this guy put a bag in the garbage can!

[laughter]

I said, "There's a bag in the can."

He said, "Yeah, well, I thought I'd do some chores

and then we'd have sex later." I said, "Ooh, we will.

So much."

He said, "Really? Really?

What would you do to me if I...

lined the shelves with contact paper?"

[laughter]

[whispers] "I better go get some newspapers."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I thought it was gonna last forever.

It's over. [laughs]

My fault. I'm shallow. I ran off with a guy

who refilled the ice cube trays.

You know why men don't refill the ice cube trays?

'Cause beer don't need ice!

[laughter]

Yeah, everybody wants to be in love.

We go to the gym to get ready for love.

How we prepare for dating? How do we prepare for dating?

We go on StairMaster. It's the perfect preparation.

You think you're getting somewhere and it hurts a lot.

Yeah.

You know what StairMaster is? Those two pedals to hell?

Think you're walking up a flight of steps,

but it's just two pedals.

You see people on their bellies coming out of the gym.

You say, "What happened?" They go, "[panting]"

This is the new international symbol for StairMaster.

You'll see at the airport soon. You'll see.

You're gonna see this. Two pedals to nowhere.

You think you're going someplace.

you're walking up the steps to nowhere.

Every weekday for a couple of hours.

Gee, it's like a metaphor for work in the '90s, isn't it?

They should have attachments.

Put a glass ceiling over the thing

then at least you go, "Bonk.

Well, middle management, I'm done for today.

All right."

What a painful machine.

I used to have a five-story walkup apartment in Manhattan

and all my friends said to me, "You cannot live like this.

Walking up the steps like this all day long.

You have to move to a building with an elevator.

And we can't walk up to visit you anymore."

So I moved. Now I pay to go to the gym

to walk up the steps everyday next to my friends

who wouldn't walk up the steps to visit me

when I lived upstairs. We're all lined up.

I say, "Well, here we are. My ass is killing me.

At least when I had my apartment I would say,

'my ass is killing me,' but when I get up there,

I'll be home!

Now my ass is killing me and when I get up there

I'm still gonna be right here.

Kinda a zen workout machine.

I already am where I'm going.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I am the Stair Master."

I think the warning should say, "If you feel faint,

dizzy, or philosophical, get off the machine."

I'm walking up this thing. I am in pain.

I think it hurts too much.

I'm waiting for EscalatorMaster to come out.

I'm on this thing last week. I'm on it forever. Forever!

And then it lights up. "Congratulations.

You have climbed 250 stories."

I thought, "Wow, I musta made room for a pizza tonight."

[laughter]

"You have burned... 108 calories."

[laughter]

I said, "[screams] An apple?!

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I just climbed to the top of the Empire State Building

for an apple?!

Well, it's a good thing I'm not up there right now

because I would jump off!

And I would land on top of the guy

who invented the StairMaster!"

[laughter]

Then you hear women all across the gym ending their workouts.

"A Triscuit?!"

"Two Peeps?!"

Then there's always that one man,

"Four beers, six oyster shooters,

a bottle of vodka, and a package of Slim Jim?!

[laughter]

I'll never get into those goddamn Dockers!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

What are we doing? We're just making busywork

for ourselves, you know? I mean, our parents didn't

do this 'cause they had actual lives.

They didn't have it so easy. They walked up real stairs.

They carried heavy things.

We're sitting in front of the computer,

we have to make stuff up.

I'm walking up the steps to nowhere.

Next to me on a treadmill is a woman running nowhere.

I have this feeling that all across America

there are hamsters laughing their asses off.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I'm walking, she's running.

I notice we're speeding up and it hits me,

we are both trying to catch up to the cute guy in the corner

who thinks he's cross-country skiing.

I said, "All right, you take him.

I'm gonna go for the guy who thinks he's rowing.

But I have a feeling even if we get these two guys,

they're never really gonna take us anywhere."

[laughter]

These are the people in the gym. The same people who will

kill you to park at the door of the gym 'cause they can't

walk an actual block to go to the gym.

[laughter]

And then we do all this work, we come out into the street

and what do we do? We yell at guys

for looking at our asses. "Why you looking at my ass?

Why can't you love me for my brain?"

"Your brain? I don't know. Were you on Brain Master today?"

Were you at the gym going, 'Logic. Reason.

Logic. Reason'?

Did you finish your workout and yell, 'One vague notion'?"

[laughter]

Bodies in America seem to mean so much.

You know what sign I've seen in my travels in 50 states?

"Live nude girls!"

"Ooh, so much perkier than those dead, nude girls

they used to advertise."

[laughter]

"Live, nude girls! Come on in!

X-rated! XX-rated!"

"Really? How much can a person take off?

What's three Xs?" "Women without skin!"

"Ohh..."

"Women you can actually see through!"

"Well, all right. I'm coming in."

Live nude girls. Kinda redundant.

Can't it just say, "Nude girls"? Wouldn't people know?

If it just said "nude girls" guys be knocking

on the door all day, "Yo! Yo! Yeah.

Got these nude girls advertised here.

Hey, look, between you and me... they live.

[laughter]

Live live.

They're not, like, just flown in from Maine everyday

and just the tails are frozen."

[laughter]

"You got Peeps?"

I went to see some live nude girls.

My road manager, Alan, he's got nothing to do at night

after the show so he goes every night

to see live nude girls and I don't mind him going

I'm just kind of tired of lending him money in ones.

[laughter]

So we're in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

and we go into the live nude girls emporium.

And we start to walk in and on my way in I'm thinking,

"Gee, what's a guy thinking on the way in

to one of these places? What's on a man's mind?

What's he expecting?" "Hey, where you going?"

"Where'm I going?!

We're gonna go see some live nude girls!"

"Well, you got a woman at home. She could be nude."

"Not her! Not the one at home! Don't you get it?

No, it's gotta be ones we don't know.

[laughter]

Naked strangers. Just something about it.

I don't know what it is. There's something about

naked, nude women we've never seen before in our lives

in the middle of the day.

Gonna walk in there. There are gonna be nude,

naked, strange women and we're gonna look right at 'em.

We're gonna look, look, look. We're gonna look right at 'em!

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

We're gonna walk in and we're gonna look

right at 'em.

Unless they look at us, then we'll look over here.

Then when they look over there, we'll look right back at 'em.

That's why we go in groups.

One of us can distract 'em while all the other ones

get a real, good look at 'em!

And they'll be nude! Nude!" "And live."

"But nude!

And we'll have our clothes on so who'd a think's in charge?

[cackles]

You know it. They are.

They are for us, but we can't touch 'em.

So, we'll drink. Yeah! We'll drink.

Hey, hey, give me one of those nine-dollar beers.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

How much are the hamburgers? Twenty five dollars?

Give me two. Give me two.

I got no sense of what's right today.

[laughter]

I'm drinking my beer and I'm looking

at live nude girls and they're dancing.

Nude girls dancing. It's incredible!

Look at 'em. Their hair is perfect

and their makeup's perfect and they got red lips

and big earrings and red nails and bracelets and high heels.

Man, they're all dressed up

and they ain't got no clothes on!

And their dancing.

It's like the prom of your dreams.

Like ya--Like ya went to pick up your date for the prom

and she was all ready except for the clothes and you said,

'No, no, no! No time! Gotta go!'

And she went with ya!"

[laughter]

"Oh, it's like a prom in heaven.

We're gonna drink our beers and watch 'em dance.

And their gonna dance around poles and dance in cages.

Jump up and down and we're gonna look at 'em.

And we can't touch 'em and we can't touch ourselves,

but their there for us and...

soon as we get so hot we can't take another second of this,

we'll just... give 'em some money.

Yeah!

[laughter]

That'll show 'em. We'll just give 'em some money

and they gotta take it 'cause their there for us.

We'll give 'em all the money we wanna give 'em.

Take that money and we'll drink and give 'em money

and we're gonna have the time of our lives!

After we're drunk and broke we can just get our

neckties back from these women. We'll get the hell outta there!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I said to him, "Well, I hear what you're saying,

but I don't get it." And he said, "Well...

that's 'cause it's guy thing."

"Oh, a guy thing. You mean like coffee cans

full of nails?" "Yup."

[laughter]

"What about hookers?" "Hookers?!

I've never paid for it in my life!"

"Yeah, but you just gave all those girls money."

"Yeah, but that was for nothing.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

It's a guy thing.

I don't expect you to understand."

"Why do you go here?" "'Cause my friends wanted to go.

It wasn't my decision. Really, just...

I'm just looking. No big deal.

I just like to look. You understand?"

"I understand. You go to a museum,

look at paintings." "No! Museum is so boring.

No place to put a dollar between the frame

and the picture. I don't care."

[laughter]

So my road manager Allan and I

walk into the live nude girls emporium

and there's a live, nude girl dancing and Allan says,

"I love her!" And I say, "Based on what?"

And he says, "Based on those!"

I said, "You could buy those

the same place she bought those.

Have them put in your hand and always be holding them."

[laughter]

And he said, "How do you know they're fake?"

And I said, "'Cause this woman could win

a wet winter coat contest."

[laughter]

"It's not snowing in here, you know?"

And then he said an incredible thing.

He said, "I don't care if they're fake

and men don't care if they're fake."

I said, "Well, then I-I don't--

I don't understand men at all."

A man doesn't care if the center of a woman's breast

is filled with a foreign substance

yet they throw a guy out of baseball

for corking his bat.

[laughter]

I've had a lot of friends who've bought breasts over the years.

I certainly understand it.

Why, if they sold real, long legs I'd have a pair.

I'd be teetering over buildings saying,

"You think these are too high?"

The thing that's so cute about when we're--when--

but the--[sighs] "You think these are too high?"

But the thing-- [laughs]

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Maybe I should get implants and give up the verbal shit.

-I don't know. I... -[laughter]

Sure, I don't have to work this hard.

Nobody should have to. Get those tits out there.

-Sure. -[laughter]

The thing that's so cute about when women buy breasts

is they show them to everyone.

Because they're not breasts, they're a purchase.

Something they bought like shoes.

"Look, look, what do you think goes with these?"

"A guy with a bad toupee?"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

You read in the paper they're having trouble

with these silicon breasts implants now?

They have to find something else to make breasts out of.

I think they should make them outta down.

They're light, they're warm,

you can really fluff 'em up for company.

Ding dong. "Just a minute."

[laughter]

Just have to make sure you wake up first every morning.

"Oh, gee.

Morning."

After ten years of marriage, you don't care.

"What? You sleep on your tits last night?"

"Yeah, fuck you anyway."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

So, we're in the live nude girls emporium

and Allan is in heaven. These women have every single

private part of their bodies and they're shoving 'em

all in his face and taking all his money.

And he turns to me and says, "Don't you wish

they had places like this for women?"

I said, "They do. Public transportation."

[laughter]

I was afraid to go 'cause I thought I'd get recognized

and I didn't want to disturb anybody at work.

And he said, "They're so busy.

They don't have time to recognize you."

So we sneak in the back and there's a lovely,

young woman dancing over a table of guys like this.

She's naked, she's got her butt over the table like this...

Just that's it. She's just--That's it.

And we sneak in the back and I think, "I hope nobody see me."

And she sees me and she yells, "[gasps] Elayne!

Come here!"

So I walk up and she says, "[gasps] I love you!

I've seen you on Showtime. I've seen you on--"

Guy at the table goes, "Hey!" She goes, "Oh...

I've seen you on Showtime, Night Court.

Night Court was good. Yeah, it was good.

Really."

There was only one way to have this conversation.

I said, "You know, I write all my own material.

-Oh, yeah. -[laughter]

Well, I really want to direct, but they don't take

women seriously in Hollywood, you know?"

It wasn't a bad night. I made a couple of bucks,

had a nice conversation. Nice people.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

So now I'm pretty basically happy.

I mean, I lived through that and I have my dog

and baseball. What else is there?

I'm gonna marry my dog. I am.

I'm gonna marry that dog. Ah, no sex, I just wanna get

his medical covered and... [laughs]

I love him. I realize I get along better

with my dog than-- than anybody I've ever dated.

I have so much in common with this dog.

We both skip lunch, we both take naps,

we both hate the vacuum.

We see that vacuum, he goes, [growls],

I go, "[groans]

Let's take a nap and don't you wake up happy, either."

[laughter]

That's the beauty of a dog. They pick up your personality.

We both wake up grouchy. He bites me, I bite him,

then we go have coffee.

I love my dog, but it is a real test of love

when it's time to start taking those stool samples

into the vet, isn't it?

Had to take one in last year. So it was the day before.

So, I see it, I grab it.

I didn't know it had to be...

du jour.

[laughter]

Didn't realize my assignment was the scoop du jour.

So I go to the vet, I give him the bag,

he opens it up, he says, "Is this from today?"

I say, "It's from yesterday." He says to me,

"Was it in the refrigerator?"

[laughter]

I say, "I don't know what kind of people

you have coming in here."

Dogs are a mystery. You take your dog for a walk

and they stop and water every single tree,

bush, blade of grass. They never run out.

And they don't know how far you're going.

[laughter]

You realize the reason your dog looks so intense

when you're walking him, oh, they're doing math

at 150 miles an hour.

"It's gonna be a two miler like yesterday.

Two miles. What's this, 17 feet?

Yeah. Okay. Ounce and a half.

Boom. No more for you. That's all.

[laughter]

Hey, hey, I have to practice the metric system.

This is a meter. One gram. One gram.

No more for you. That's all."

That's why they're so happy when the house comes back into view.

You can see 'em relax. "Home!

Wait! Dumping fuel. Dumping fuel!"

I take my dog jogging in the woods five miles a day.

Last time we went I drank too much water.

Had to stop and pee in the woods.

Never happened to me before. Ever.

My dog was stunned. He just stood there

and stared at me.

[laughter]

"Means there's a good possibility I'm driving home."

You know I bet he was thinking-- I bet he was thinking,

"Man, she's dumb. It took her five years

to learn this from me?"

He really was threatened. I finished, he ran over

he peed on top of it!

[laughter]

He actually spelled out, "I'm top dog."

I never get to take him with me, but once I did.

I was playing the Catskills. The Catskill Mountains

in Upstate New York. A hotel.

And they said, "We'll send a car and you can go home afterwards."

I said, "Well, I'll bring my dog."

They said, "No dogs in the hotel."

I said, "Oh, please, he's a very expensive,

well-trained show dog."

He's a wild animal, so... [laughs]

we get in the car, the driver is angry.

My dog is breathing down the driver's neck.

You know how boxers pull, [hyperventilating].

I said, "Peety, Peety, we're going to the Catskills."

He said, "Oh, [clearing throat]"

[laughter]

He's my pal. We sit there and watch baseball.

They should let dogs play shortstop.

No grounder would ever get through,

but you can't get them to throw to first after.

That's the problem. [laughs]

Too silly, huh?

I do love baseball. I stick with my team

even when they're having a rocky year.

This year's not so bad. You know, when they traded

the two best center fielders in the league in the same week,

year before last, Mookie Wilson and Lenny Dykstra

in the same week my brother and I sat shiva.

We couldn't believe it. We--

Who am I talking to? I'm sorry.

Sitting shiva, it's uh...

Sitting shiva's a ritual of mourning

performed by Jewish people when two incredible

center fielders are traded for a player to be named later.

[laughter]

Good year--the Dodgers were incredible this year.

Look, on paper they bought everybody good that you--

Elvis came back just to play on the Dodgers this year.

White Sox incredible this year.

I mean, right outta the basement and just winning all the time.

Except...at home. They couldn't win at home.

Kinda like being married. [laughs]

All right. Um...

Just my opinion now, but I think Pete Rose

should be allowed to be in the Hall of Fame.

I do. I--He was a great player. A great player.

[cheers and applause]

People say, "Well, he shouldn't be allowed to be in

the Hall of Fame because he did not live up

to what was expected of him in his position.

So what do you want him to do? Open a library like Nixon now?

[cheers and applause]

I watch every chance I get.

I was watching ESPN the other day

and this guy in the outfield got by a ball.

I mean, bounced up and he just went down.

My friend said, "Oh, it's bad 'cause they don't wear

a cup in the outfield."

I said, "Wouldn't it be worse with a cup?"

I mean, without a cup, the ball hits ya, okay,

but with a cup, the ball hits you,

drives a molded piece of plastic right up there.

My friend said, "No, a cup's great because

it spreads it around evenly."

"Hm...what would I rather do?

Stub my toe or get flattened by a steamroller?"

[laughter]

I had a great dream come true last year.

I got to sing "The Star Spangled Banner"

for the Mets at Shea Stadium. I did.

It was wonderful! I did it in May.

Six months before Roseanne ruined it for everybody.

In May. I was good. I can prove it.

You heard nothing about it, right?

[laughs]

[laughter]

I rehearsed. It meant a lot to me.

I wanted it to be great. I was practicing.

They said, "You better bring earplugs. Big echo."

I said, "I can't sing in earplugs.

I'll be okay." They said, "Big echo."

I said, "Don't worry about it."

Well, then I worried about this echo.

I dreamt about this echo.

And I step out to sing the song, 35,000 people,

and I start the song... no echo.

I am so happy. I am singing my heart out!

Half way through "The Star Spangled Banner"

I hear myself begin "The Star Spangled Banner."

[laughter]

Louder and with the 35,000 people and I'm thinking

"I'm in hell with The McGuire Sisters."

[laughter]

This is Rod Serling's

"Row Row Row Your Boat."

You can't get back in it! You can't find the tune!

Here's my concept of math. I was actually thinking,

"I'll slow down. I'll catch up."

[laughter]

You know, while I was standing there on the field

at Shea Stadium waiting for the organ

to begin "The Star Spangled Banner,"

I was so nervous. I hadn't sung in public

and it was hometown, home team.

I wanted it to be so good.

Uh, thanks.

[cheers and applause]

And just standing there I really started to realize

how much baseball meant to me. How much I love watching it.

How it brought me close to my brother,

how he taught me so much from Sandy Koufax to Nolan Ryan,

and I remember seeing Lenny Dykstra

first major-league hit and I fell in love with him

because he slid head first into first base

for no reason at all.

I said, "There's a guy who loves the game"

and I love to watch him tumble around center field.

And we get to keep the memories of Keith Hernandez

at first base. A great first baseman.

And as I stood there I thought,

"I'm having an incredible revelation.

Why--Why there's no longer an organ at Shea Stadium.

I'm...holding up the game." [laughs]

And I thought, "Yeah," but my fantasy when I was a kid

was to sing it with an organ, so I...

I just stood there till I heard one anyway.

[organ playing "The Star Spangled Banner"]

[cheers and applause]

♪ Oh, say can you see

♪ By the dawn's early light

♪ What so proudly we hailed

♪ At the twilight's last gleaming? ♪

♪ Who's broad stripes and bright stars ♪

♪ Through the perilous fight

♪ O'er the ramparts we watched

♪ Were so gallantly streaming?

♪ And the rocket's red glare [song starts in speakers]

♪ By the dawn's early light

both: ♪ What so proudly we hailed

♪ At the twilight's last gleaming ♪

♪ Who's broad stripes and bright stars ♪

[quickly] ♪ Through the perilous fight

♪ O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming ♪

♪ And the rockets red glare

♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪ Were so gallantly streaming

♪ Gave proof through the night ♪ And the rockets red glare

[slowly] ♪ That our flag was still there ♪

♪ That our flag was still

both: ♪ There

both: ♪ Oh, say does that star-spangled ♪

♪ Banner yet wave

♪ O'er the land

♪ Of the free

♪ And the home

♪ Of the

both: ♪ Brave

Thank you! Thank you for coming.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause continues]

["Deep in the Heart of Texas" by Gene Autry playing]

♪

♪ The stars at night

♪ Are big and bright

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ The prairie sky

♪ Is wide and high

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ The sage in bloom

♪ Is like perfume

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ Reminds me of

♪ The one I love

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ The cowboys cry

♪ Ki-yip-pie-yi

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ The doggies bawl

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas

[song ends]

[microphone droans]