Eddie Pepitone: In Ruins (2014) - full transcript

Comedic force of nature Eddie Pepitone delivers a rage-fueled performance in Brooklyn, where he discusses the perils of being a male model, speaking to his dog like his therapist, and the death of the American Dream.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for the bitter Buddha...

Eddie Pepitone!


Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

How 'bout a round of applause

for the comedians
who were out here.

How 'bout that?

Round of applause if you thought

Lincoln's death was inevitable.

Round of applause

just because...

No! Just because
of the way that played out

with the south
and the hatred of the south.

I mean,
I saw it coming.
Did you?

Round of applause if you thought

Lincoln's death was inevitable.

Round of applause.

Yes, right?

Round of applause

if you cannot access God.

Round of applause.

I... What?

I cannot access God.

What is all this talk lately...

about accessing God
through meditation, Pilates...

I have friends
who are accessing God.

I cannot access God.

By the way, what I'm doing...

I just thing that comedians
who do that kind of vapid,

you know,
round of applause bullshit,

I think they should...

I think they should do
just more interesting

round of applauses.

You know what I mean?
Like, to draw you in.

For instance,
round of applause...

if you are caught
in a web of lies

so intricate...

with your wife,

that one small mistake
on Facebook...

one small liking someone
who shouldn't be liked...

just a tiny photo-like

and your life comes down
like a house of cards.

Round of applause.
Round of applause.

And round of applause

if that anxiety

manifests itself

late at night

when you have your
sleep apnea mask on...

This is also the comic

who doesn't realize
he's talking about himself.

He thinks he's relating to you...

Like, he's being
too damn specific.

You know, but, round of applause

if that anxiety,

if it manifests
when you have your
sleep apnea mask...

And by the way,
your sleep apnea mask

has a Spider-man decal on it

because you think
that makes sleep apnea cool.

Round of applause.

But, round of applause

if the anxiety is too much.

I mean,
it's just too fucking much.

Round of applause
if you're sick of being

a good fucking person

all the fucking time.


the fucking... the leaders...

And round of applause...

the leaders and the people
who rule the country...

The allegarts,
they have no moral center,

why do I have to... I mean, you...

Round of applause...

Why do I... I am sorry.

Round of applause if you're sick

of having a moral center

when everything around you
doesn't have a moral center,

everything around you
is just for greed and profit,

but you're
supposed to get up and be

Mister Goody-fucking two shoes!

Round of applause.

Round of applause if you...

Round of applause
if you think Brooklyn

which is where we are...

And this is for the viewers.

You know where you are...
Most of you...

But round of applause
if you think Brooklyn

has gotten too soft

with grilled cheese shops

and peanut butter shops.


What kind of burrow is this

where you could get
grilled cheese...

Grilled cheese sandwiches,

maybe people in Brooklyn
should start thinking

instead of eating
grilled cheese sandwiches

and specialty peanut butters,

maybe they should
start organizing

for lower fucking rents.

I mean...

They're all so wrapped up
in grilled cheese...

and cinnamon swirl
raisin peanut butter...

Which is delicious...

I will not deny that.
I had some today.

But I go into these stores

with a tremendous
alert consciousness

And where are the...

Where are the
Doo-Wop groups
in Brooklyn?

They used to be...

they used to be
on every fucking corner.

Have they been rounded up
and put in camps?

Where are the Doo-Wop groups?

That's the Brooklyn I remember.

Round of applause
if that's the Brooklyn...

I'm feeling,
a little hot already.

Yes, I know.

And now that you've seen
the whole package...

I wanna answer the question

that you're all thinking

and the answer is "yes"

I have had a lot of work done.

I had my hair removed

and my belly let out,
because I was too pretty.

I was too pretty.

No! I was a male model.

I was a male model.

I would leave the house
with a to do list

and I couldn't
get anything done,

because men, women,
and children and animals

would lunge at my cock...
They would lunge at my cock

as soon as I left the house
they would be like,

"Eddie, fuck me!
Fuck me, Eddi!

Fuck me!
Please fuck me!"

I would say,
"Look at the to do list.

I've gotta pick up
printing paper.

I've gotta prick up...
Pick up printing paper

and get twine
for the recyclable."

They didn't care.

They were like,
"Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!"

So in order to get things done,

I said to a dermatologist
in I.A, I said,

"Please, make me look like
you people, basically."

I was like,

"I wanna feel what it's like
to cry during the day

like you folks do."

Because male models,

we do not cry during the day.

We just fuck
and we fuck and we fuck,

and then we are given
small monogrammed sweaters.

By the way,
I, I do rant and rave,

but I just got this hat and I...

I actually... I actually
feel really good about it.

I mean, did you...

did you ever buy a hat

where you like it so much,
like, you look in the mirror

and you're like, "Holy shit.

This hat kinda makes up

for a life
that wasn't well-lived."

Yes, I spent 30 years

in a stoned-out phase

masturbating to hockey fights...

but that's because
I did not have...

this fucking hat.

And by the way,
I masturbate to hockey fights

because they are unpredictable.

I do not like porn.
It's very predictable.

And by the way,

what is it
with my relationship to porn?

The only way now
I can watch porn

is if someone's life
is threatened in the scenario.

How numb am I... by the way,

I heard you not
laughing a lot there.

And it's up to you
whether or not you wanna laugh,

but I am dedicating this set.

I just visited a hospital
in the neighborhood,

and I'm dedicating this set

to a small, small child

who, little Billy Timson,

who was born with no bones.

He's just a liquid...
He's a liquid

with a little Met cap.

He's a liquid in a bag
with a little Met cap...

He's a puddle in a bag
with a Met cap.

And you know how the Mets...

well, the last 40 years...

I mean, since,

since Tom Seaver, really.

I mean...

and he managed
to squeak out to me.

Before I left the hospital
he said,

"M-make 'em laugh.


I... "I... He, he...

I don't know
how he makes a voice,

but it's just
through the liquid...

vibrations hit the Met cap
and there is sound.

And he was like, "I know it's,

it's a very tense
television taping for you,

and I know that
you're very neurotic

and you think
this night defines you,

you're whole fucking life...

as if one hour
can define someone

as rich and varied...

as yourself
and that you're basically

a self sabotaging person.

So this is the perfect...
Anyway, I'm digressing."

He was a verbose kid
for being a puddle.

A very verbose kid.

But he was like,
"Maybe if they laugh

I'll grow a spine."

So don't feel...

don't feel like
you have to laugh,

but this is

for little Timmy.


The thing I love
about a hat, too,

is that when you throw it...
When you throw it,

you always have
to say something great.

Like, I'll throw it to you, sir.
What's your name?

- Murph.
- Murph.

Okay, I'm gonna
throw it to you, Murph.

That's a great
New York name, isn't it?

You don't get
"Murph" in Nebraska.


You know what
you get in Nebraska?

You get corn,

you get corn and despair.

And just long pockets...

of windy days.

Wind, despair,

Monsanto crops...
Anyway, I'm digressing again.

I'm sorry.

So, Murph,
I'm gonna throw it to you...

The great thing
about when you throw a hat,

and throw it back right away,
it cost a lot of money...


By the way...

you know,
I just want to cop
to the fact

that I am not a male model
and never was.

Matter of fact,

I've put on
so much weight lately

that when I drop something

I look at it and I go,
"Do I really need that?"

Anybody know what
I'm talking about?

I mean, I'll look at it,
it'll be my license,

and I'll be...

I'll be like, I'm white.

I don't get pulled over a lot.

Did you see what I did there?

I snuck in
some social commentary.

No, no, no!

I reason I do that
is most people

just want me to talk about
Batman and pussy.


Please stop with
the social commentary.

Batman and pussy.

Flash Gordon and porn.


That's what we want,

But anyway...

when you throw a hat you always,

you always have to say
something great.

I'm gonna
throw it to you, Murph.

And, it's like,

"Baby, I got a raise!"

You can't say
something bad like,

"They found blood
in my urine!"

You can't say that.

"I fucked your sister,

That's the hat bit.
I bought that hat...

for $80 for that bit.


I was not gonna spare
any expense tonight.

The Doo-Wop groups are gone.

Let's make this a night
to remember.

I know... I know
I rant and rave and I,

I come off like
an angry guy, but I,

I recently have found
a couple of things

that are making me happier.

I got this little Terrier dog...

I got this little Terrier.

She's a rescue dog, Charlotte.

You ever get a dog
and you're so friggin'
attached to them?

Like, she's a rescue,
so she feels abandoned,

and I feel abandoned.

Like, I've always
felt abandoned,

so we're both
on the same wavelength.

Like, if I forget
something upstairs,

she immediately follows me
and I'm following her.

Like we're following each other

all over the fucking apartment.

"Charlotte, are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm okay."

"Do you need a treat?
I need something.

You need something?
I need something."

You're lucky to see me.
You really are.

You really... You hit a home run.

I-I know you've had
to go through some calisthenics

because of the taping,
but you really hit a home run

by coming out here.

You know, what the hell else
are you gonna do?

But, I have Charlotte...

Now, by the way,
the reason I love dogs,
I have five cats too,

and I fucking love cats.

There's a tremendous, tremendous
feline love that I...

I have five cats, a dog...

And, I know what
you're thinking,

God, what a fucking
renaissance man.

But the reason I-I-I-I...

Dogs, they're just
so much more immediate.

But the thing about them too,

I prefer them, much prefer them,

this is no offense,
over people, you know?

I just much prefer
dogs over people.

It's just unconditional
fucking love.

Like you people,
you're cunning, deceitful fucks.

All... and no offense,

you're ruining people's lives

as we speak.

The person next to you,

"Yes, Julie, no, I...
definitely, definitely,
we're together forever."

But dogs,

they're so in
the fucking moment,

we are never in
the fucking moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you have a bad disease.

But dogs...

Let me check Twitter.

No, no, no, no, no.
Hopefully you'll pull through.

Ooh, seven notifications.

Hah, hah, hah, hah...

But I have Charlotte,

and I've, I've turned Char...

I've turned...
Anybody else do this
where you...

Round of applause, if...

I know.
This is a real one, though.

If you own a dog.
If you own a dog.

Not enough of you.

There's a lot of strays.

Get on it.
It's not about you.

Care for others, assholes.

Enough grilled cheese
and peanut butter

and jelly gourmet sandwiches...

and smoking pot and jerking off
to Twitter thumbnails.

I'm sorry.
I'm going off again
about myself.

But I've turned my dog,

I've turned my dog
into my shrink.

I'm talking to her now
as if she was my shrink,

because I'm bored to tears
with my real shrink.

You know, I mean,
we understand each other.

I'm there to fill an hour,
she gets some insurance money.

Whatever it is but,

but now I talk to my dog
like she's my shrink.

I'm saying shit to her like,


you don't think
I have diabetes, do you?

I mean...

they fuck up blood work
all the time.

Those centrifuges they use...

a lot of them are suspect.

And, Charlotte,

you don't think the cops saw me

sideswipe that car...

in the shopping supermarket
parking lot.

I mean,
the police would be here
already, right?


it's not too bad
that I threaten people

anonymously online...

is it?

Charlotte, I have enough money
in my bank account, right?"

By the way,

if Charlotte knew how much money
I have in my bank account

instead of running
and chasing balls,

she'd just be in the apartment
smoking fucking cigarettes.

She'd just be like going,

I thought I landed
on my feet here.

What the fuck?
I can't believe it.

Another guy on the cusp."

The other thing that has been
making me feel good lately

even though I rail against
corporate culture,

once in awhile I like
when I get a nice product.

And I gotta, I got a new
Honda Element vehicle

and I fucking love it,

because it's,
it's kinda big, you know,

and I like that
because there's room to weep.

There is so much room

to weep in this car.

There's a lot of space for bad...

I can regret my past-life
decisions in this car

with satellite radio...

Just kick it back...

You know, I really
feel like products

should be just more honest

in their advertising.

I would respect
corporations more.

Like if an oil company
was just fucking honest

in their ads,
you know what I mean?

Like, this would be a great ad,
I think, for an oil company.

You know, a guy, you know,
CEO of an oil company

is out in a suit and next to him

is a dolphin
tied up with high tensile
steel cables still alive

and there's oil all over it

and he's got a gun
to the dolphin's head

and he's like,

"All right!

I hear a lot of you
are talking about switching

to solar and wind.

All right?

And also, some of you...
Not a lot of you,

because you're too involved
in grilled cheese,

but some of you

are fucking demonstrating
against fracking

just because it's destroying
your water supply.

Now let me tell you something.

You keep that behavior up,

you keep switching
to solar or wind

or demonstrating
against fracking,

and we kill a dolphin
every five minutes...


That's one.
That was pregnant as well.

That's right.

We don't give a fuck.

We destroyed
Prince William Sound.

We destroyed the Gulf of Mexico.

You're fucking next."

They always smile...

and the...

I never booked commercials
because I was always too angry,

but I did think...

No, because it's that world
that's not connected to...

It's that happy world that's not
connected to any reality,

and I would just show up
at auditions just furious.

You know?

But I did think of a commercial
I could do and, um,

I-I-I think...
It would be for Vicodin

because I, um,

I got addicted to Vicodin
for a few months

a couple of years ago,

because I couldn't afford
a real vacation, um,

which is what drugs...

That's what drugs are...

they're vacations
for poor people.

They're mini vacations.

"Come home again."

"Come, come to Vicodin.


Escape your life."

I don't know
why I'm doing that accent.
It doesn't matter.

It came out in the moment,

and that's what's important.

I have a great life coach
who committed suicide recently

trying to get me to do pull ups.

He took his life...

because of the lack of progress.


Here's how the Vicodin
commercial will go.

I-I could definitely book this.

Like a camera is just panning in

slowly toward me.

I'm looking at the camera

and I'm like...


Come to think of it,

I am a little sore."

And it stays on me

as my face gets
more and more insane.


They should let actors go.

They should let actors go
on commercials.

Like, instead of just saying
their horrific, stupid bullshit

"Use this credit card..."

They should just keep
the cameras on 'em, you know?

Like, "Use this credit card
because I'm dying!

I am dying
and I have to do
this bullshit

and all my friends
congratulate me

when I become
a corporate stooge!"

But I've gotten,

another thing
that's calmed me down a little


I've gotten married
recently and...

And we've been married
a couple years,

but we've been together
for about nine years and,

I... I don't know
if you guys experience this,

but when you're
with someone for that long,

you just run outta shit to say.

You just do.

And we are now at the point
where we just toss facts

back and forth to each other.

Like, let's say we're driving...

I live in L.A.,
not to come at you
that I live in

a Solis sunbaked landscape
of apocalyptical proportions,

but, I mean,
we'll just be in a car

for an hour...
hour-and-a-half, nothing,
and all of a sudden,

I'll hear from my wife,

"Do you know the grey parrot
lives to a hundred?"

And I'm like, "Really?
Is this what it's come to?"

And I get competitive, you know?

Like I didn't know

the grey parrot
lives to a hundred.

And I'm afraid
she's gonna go to sea turtles,

and I'm not gonna know that.

I know they live very long.
I'm not sure.

So I fucking...
I'm like, "Baby, don't start

with the length

of different creatures lives,

because I know shit
about Sacco and Vanzetti

that'll knock
your fucking socks off.

Did you know that Sacco
invented the panini press?"

I just make shit up.

"Yes, he invented
the panini press,

a radical leftist,

and Vanzetti always
worked on his abs constantly."

I just...

I do the acting thing
in L.A. which means

I spend a lot of time
in my apartment

just looking through the blinds
going, "What the fuck...

is Margaret
doing the laundry for?"

Like, just bullshit
'cause I got...

I'm usually covered in blood.

I have no idea why.

By the way, I don't think
people should be embarrassed,

especially in this day and age,
being covered in blood.

I mean, it's a rough time
out there with the...

I'd like to be the Union Leader
for the people covered in blood.


Let's not be embarrassed
that we're covered in blood.

It's a fucking tough
fucking economy out there!

If you can't wipe if off
or stop the bleeding,

still go on the job interview!

Make a life of it!

Have a cloth with you!

I will represent you!

We're all covered in blood"...

Just blood coming down.

But I've always
wanted to be a singer,

but I could never really,
really keep a tune or anything,

but I'm gonna try,
try to do

- a little here...
- Woo!

Just 'cause I got you guys here.

I got you guys here,
and I always wanted to be,

like the Vegas...

The Vegas, like,
lounge singer type,
but I never...

I wanted to be like the guy
who sang about real shit,

because I feel like
the Vegas guys
sing about bullshit.

They're always like,

♪ I'm in so much love
with you ♪

♪ I'm in
so much love with you ♪

Don't fuckin'...

I'd just sing about real shit
and I would be the singer

who would, be like this.

You know,
I'd be the Vegas singer.
I'd be like,

♪ I am fifty-five

♪ And never learned
how to fold clothes ♪

♪ I take a nice shirt

♪ I fold the left sleeve
then I fold the right ♪

♪ Then I fold it over

♪ And then I just wind up
crumpling it into a ball ♪

♪ Because it looks like shit
when I'm folding it ♪

♪ I never get...

♪ I'm fifty-five

♪ I still don't know where
a crease in a pants is ♪

♪ Where is the crease
in pants? ♪

♪ Hey!

♪ How come

♪ whenever I take a shower

♪ And see
a little black mark
on my skin ♪

♪ I think I'm gonna die?

♪ Hey, hey, hey!

♪ I immediately go to death

♪ Black mark,
holy shit ♪

♪ Scrub it a little,
gets kinda weird ♪

♪ Then it hurts
and then I go ♪

♪ "Definitely gonna die!

♪ Definitely gonna die!"

♪ And that's even though
I've done that many years ♪

♪ With other little things
on my body ♪

♪ I've never died

♪ But I always think
this is the one ♪

♪ This is definitely the one

♪ I can't figure out

♪ Why I wanna be alive

♪ Yet I'm afraid of dying

♪ What the fuck is that?

♪ I can't figure out

♪ Why I wanna be alive

♪ Yet I'm afraid of dying

♪ Is it because

♪ Is it because
every organism ♪

♪ Goes toward life?

♪ Is it because
every organism ♪

♪ Goes toward life?

♪ I say,
"Bring on death!" ♪

♪ I wouldn't
have to worry ♪

♪ About all kinds
of shit ♪

♪ Why aren't I loved
by everyone? ♪

Fuck you!

♪ Why not?

♪ I even get angry at women

♪ Who don't look at me

♪ As an escalator
is passing them by ♪

♪ If I'm going up one way

♪ She's going down
the other ♪

♪ If I make eye contact
and she looks away ♪

♪ I don't like her

♪ I have no idea
who she is ♪

♪ But I've already got
a resentment ♪

♪ That lasts for hours

♪ Sometimes I think about
that person at night ♪

♪ How sick is that?

♪ I'm not sure why
I like to watch murder ♪

♪ Real-life murder
on television ♪

♪ Not the fake stuff,
the real stuff ♪

♪ This dentist
had a secret life ♪

♪ His wife
didn't know about it ♪

♪ I'm in,
I'm in ♪

♪ Can't turn it off

♪ Gotta see what this
stupid fuck dentist ♪

♪ From Florida did

♪ And how come
I watch these shows ♪

♪ With something called
an eating shirt? ♪

♪ I like to watch
Forensic Files ♪

♪ At two or three
in the morning ♪

♪ With an eating shirt

♪ It's got holes in it
and specs of blood ♪

♪ This way
when I'm eating ♪

♪ Soft things
which I love
late at night ♪

♪ I love to eat soft things
and watch real-life murder ♪

♪ And I have a fake tooth
in the front of my mouth ♪

♪ That I take out
and put on the bureau ♪

♪ With no water
or anything ♪

♪ What am I thinking?

♪ But I get so involved
with Forensic Files ♪

♪ That I don't care about
this little thing called ♪

♪ The Flipper Tooth

♪ Soft food
just dribbles down
my eating shirt ♪

♪ And I love to watch

♪ The murder,
the murder, the murder ♪

Thank you.

I think I missed
my real calling, though.

"Calling" not coiling.

Yes, I'm indigenous
to this area.

You got a problem with that?

But, I-I-I think I missed
my real calling.

I think shoulda been

a reporter in the field
for disasters.

Because I watch
disasters on T.V.

and they send reporters there,
like Anderson Cooper

who, like, look all coiffed

and you really get no sense

of the disaster because the guy

or the woman they send there
looks so put together.

They should send...

They should have
someone like me.

You know what I mean?

Like, just some fucking
horrific disaster, you know?

And they
just throw it to me
and I'm like,

"My fucking God!



And the twist is
that I haven't even
left my apartment.

Like I... I'm just reporting
about what I see around me.


- My cats!

I have five cats and

they've spit up
all over the place!

What the fuck!

One of them is urinating
on a chair constantly!

No matter what we do!

We buy all kinds of shit
at the pet store!

And I'm not gonna put her down!

I'm a Vegan!

I can't do it legally
once you declare!

I dropped Cheerios...

I dropped Cheerios this morning,

and I can't fucking get to them

under the frigerator!"

I think,
the time has come
in this country.

I think that things,
you know, have gotten so bad.

I think they're gonna get worse.

I think we should
close down the comedy clubs

and open up
stand-up tragedy clubs.

You know,
enough of this comedy...

people talking about
Batman and pussy.

I like to get high and drunk.

Fuck it.
Let's fucking...

Let's open up tragedy clubs.

And this is my impersona...

Let's, you know,
just open up tragedy clubs

and instead of names like,

Chuckles and The Funny Bone
and all that shit,

it's just called like...

The names of the clubs
across the country'll be like,


"You going to
'Fuck' tonight?"

Or just Ulcers... Perfor...

"You going to
'Perforated Ulcers'?"

Or another...
'Nother name for a club


"Well, why don't we
head down to 'Noooo!'

Let's head down to 'Noooo!'"

But this would be
my impersonation of a,

of a stand-up tragedy club.

It would go like this...

Hi. Good evening, folks.


I just had to,

drown my wife in a tub...

because we ran out of money

and we have, um,
no support system.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

After this set,

I'll be looking for food
on the road.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm surrounded...

by so much death...

that it hurts...

very much.

Thank you very mu...

These are the tragedies, folks.
Get with them.

These are the tragedies.

Please, folks...

And my catchphrase,
instead of "Git-R-Done"...

The truth...

But my tragedy and catchphrase
would just be like,

"God, please save me!"

And everybody at work
the next day would be like,

doing that, like, you know,

instead of "Git-R-Done"
they'd be like, ""

around the cooler, you know,
that's filled, at this point,

with just sulphuric acid.

They'd be around
the cooler going,

"God, please save me!"

"Wasn't he great?
Wasn't he really sad?

Wasn't he really sad?"

But I wish... I wish...

You know, I've gotten
so far to the left

with all the shit
that's gone on in this country.

Um, I wish my politics would,

would bleed into,
like game shows,

because I like
to watch game shows.

Like I said, I have,
like, this competitive element,

you know, to me
and like, I would...

I would love to see,
for instance,

like on The Price Is Right,

I would love to see
a woman from Oklahoma

have to guess the price
of the Iraq War...

instead of a blender.

Like, it would be great.

You know,
she'd be like,
you know,

like the curtain would open
and it's just fucking

real-life carnage

that industrial warfare does.

Like, just a real-life
industrial warfare carnage.

Like, just people running around

on fire, limbless,

and she's just
jumping up and down going,

"I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know."

And people in the audience
are yelling,

"Five billion a day!

Five billion!"

"Didn't we wrap up
the Iraq War?"

"No! There's a standing
army there!

No, no, no!
Many, many troops!

Under the guys of training them
know it's still five..."

"Does that include

"10 billion, 10 billion,

10 billion a day
with Afghanistan!"

"Is Guantanamo Bay still open?"

"Yes, contrary to what was said!

Yes, but I would say
10 billion!"

"I don't know!
I don't know!"

And then a vet,

then a vet gets up
in the audience and he's like,

"You can't put a price on it!

Don't play their fucking game!

War is just big business!

They just give us
one fucking enemy after another!

It used to be the Russians!

It was Gaddafi!
It used to be Castro!

Now it's fucking Al Qaeda!

They just put a face
on fucking fear

and they just wanna make money!

And they have poor people
fighting rich man's wars!

That's what a..."

And she starts...

She's still
jumping up and down, but...

she's starting to like,
get the message that...

this isn't a good fucking thing.

"Don't you fucking do it.

All right?
It's not right.

Don't you fucking..."

They always guess $350.

I...I actually think
that, you know, pretty soon,

because of the unemployment,

you know, call me an optimist,
but I think pretty soon,

you know, they are gonna just be

legions of people
who were unemployed

and, you know,
they're not gonna have homes.

I mean, even worse
than it is now,

and they're all gonna be
kinda kept behind, you know,

certain barricades,
but there's gonna be
millions of them.

You know, they will have
Twitter and Facebook
so don't worry about that.

Sound familiar?

But there's gonna be
legions of them.

And my job, I believe,
for me to stay alive

is I will be the entertainment.

Like, they will still
have to be entertained.

Like these people...
And there will be a big podium.

It'll be like
a science fiction movie.

There'll be a big podium,

but, instead of, like,
doing stand-up for them,

I'm just gonna
come out in a horsey suit

and sing to these
legions of people.

And it would go like this.
It would go like this.

Like, just imagine
legions of dispossessed people,

but they're Americans,
so they love to be entertained.

And they're,
they're entertained
easily, you know.

So I would just
come out in a horsey suit

and I would start singing
and it would be like this...

♪ Well

♪ The manufacturing
base in this country ♪

♪ Is gone

"I'll give ya that!"

♪ There's...

♪ The food supply
has been poisoned ♪

♪ By Monsanto

"I'll give ya that!"

♪ Those GMO crops
turned out ♪

♪ To not be too good

♪ That pesticide
called "Roundup" ♪

♪ Has led to Autism

"I'll give ya that!"

♪ There's a
pandemic of viruses ♪

♪ And anxiety
in this country ♪

♪ And all the money's
been cut for mental health ♪

"I'll give ya that!"

♪ It's just a nation

♪ Full of
temporary workers ♪

♪ Who don't
have any benefits ♪

♪ Because

♪ Instead of organizing
and being a community ♪

♪ You are on
Facebook and Twitter ♪

♪ And eating
grilled cheese ♪

"I'll give ya that!"

♪ Sing the Horsey Song

♪ Sing the Horsey Song

♪ The Horsey Song

I really hate magicians.

I don't know
if you saw the segue there.

Just make it up.

I hate magicians.

They have that
long, stringy hair,

and they're always
doing shit like,

"Ooh, the quarter.
The quarter got bigger.

The quarter got bigger.
The quarter got bigger."

"Hey, magician!
Who gives a fuck?!

You wanna do a trick?

Make me feel safe
in this world!"

But they can't do that.
They can't do that shit.

They're always
just doing stuff like,

The doves.
The dove came outta the hat.

Where did it come from?

"Maybe you brought it.
That's my fucking guess.

And I'm also guessing
that you keep it drugged

with an eyedropper

with something like Valium in it

or something else I like a lot.

You keep those
poor things drugged.

And they're a symbol, doves.

Doves in a hat are fucked up.

They should be flying free.

They're a symbol of peace
for the children."

Always makes someone bad
when you mention children.

It's for the children!

If someone catches you
taking their mail just yell,

It's for the children!

They wouldn't know what the fuck
you're talking about,

But they'll be a little hesitant

to come at you.

Even if you home invasion them.

"It's for the children!"

And I also feel like

if I brought my wife
near a magician he'd be like,

"I fucked your wife.
You didn't see it."

"Yes, I did, asshole!"

"I fucked her again."
"All right,
that one I didn't see.

Good for you.
That was a good trick."

I also can't stand the way,

you know, the snootiness
of certain products

have gotten lately.

Like, like that way
fucking people are sold wine

or the way they get into wine,
um, is hilarious to me.

Like I actually
was at a dinner party
the other day

and my friend actually said,
"You know...

I think this wine
has a playful finish."

If you ever hear a friend
saying that,

tell him to work in a prison.

Because he is not tethered
to reality.

It's done.
It's gone.

He's living in
"gourmet" specialty world.

I like to fuck with people
at a dinner party

and take a sip of wine and go,
"You know, I disagree.

I think it has a
's-s-silly' finish.

No, really.

I think this wine tastes like
a car full of clowns.

Do you detect notes
of a hand buzzer?

I do.

A slight hand buzz.

No one else sensed
the floppy shoes in this wine?

No one.
It's me?"

I actually had a friend
say to me about a wine,

he was like,
and they always
say it like this,

"It just, this wine

has just the slightest...


As if he would want anything
with a slight, slight trace.

You know what I mean?

Like, "It has the
slightest, slightest

hint of the forest floor."

And I was like, "Forest floor?

That's where
people get murdered!

Haven't you seen Twin Peaks?

Leland Palmer
killed Laura Palmer...

in the forest.

It was brutal.

And I think it happens
in real life.

I do not want murder
in my wine."

And fucking Yelp

is supposed to help us
select products.

That's hilarious to me.

Like, have you ever read Yelp?

Like, let's say a review
on a Mexican restaurant

and the first Yelp review
will be like,

"This taco was so good

that I wanted
to have sex with it."

And then
the next Yelp review will be,

"This taco
killed my entire family.

They're all dead.

I'm alone now

wondering in a landscape
of broken dreams

because of this restaurant."

What do you do?

It's sex.
Is that sex?

Apparently, the quality
varies greatly day to day...

"I'll give ya that!"

And they also sell
cigars like that to men.

You know, like, you know,
guys who smoke cigars.

You know, they're like,

This cigar, it's just,
you know, it's got an oaky...

it's got an oaky rhythm."

They start throwing in
jazz terms.

"It's got an oaky rhythm.

There's a cacophony,

of very psychotic

Or whatever the fuck they say.

They just make this shit up.

And they always have,
like to sell cigars, you know,

in "Cigar Aficionado" magazine
there's always someone,

like some celebrity
like George Clooney

in a tux with a cigar.

You know what the cover
of "Cigar Aficionado" should be?

It should be a guy
in a wife beater at a track

about to hit a small child

with a little cigar
out of his mouth.

because life is tough!"

And also, I-I-I-I als... al...

Also, I do not wanna buy

a cup of coffee
with a back story anymore.


I can't deal
with all the information

I get in gourmet coffee shops

about, you know,
where the coffee was grown,

how it was grown,

who died
for this fucking coffee.

No more back story,

you know, to this cup of coffee.

You know, I mean, I-I-I...
It's just too hilar...

And, and I like to fuck...
I like to go into these

gourmet coffee shops
and fuck with the barista.

And, by the way, "Barista"
is an Italian word for,

"There is no manufacturing
base anymore."

So, we're giving you
the name "Barista"

so you feel somewhat
good about yourself

that you're making coffee
for entitled scumbags.

But, anyway.
What, what...

what I like to do is just

run into coffee shops
and just go,


What elevation
was this coffee grown at?!"

And the sad thing is, you know,
they usually know.

"That's 7,000 feet, sir."

And I'm like, "7,000 feet?!

Do you think I'm an asshole?!

I don't drink
anything under 11-k!

I don't drink any coffee
under 11,000 feet!

I'm not a fucking idiot!

Either is my wife!
Either are my children!

Either you get this grown
at a higher elevation,

or I organize the community

that'll get your fucking asses
outta this neighborhood!

You people are trash,
you grow it at 7,000 feet!

Fuckin' morons!"

I also hate, self-help gurus.

They are especially
prevalent in L.A.

You know, the people who are...
Who do shit like,

"I can change your life

with my three-point plan."

What they should
really say is,

"I could change your life
with my three-point plan,

but, you already
have to have a lot of money

and a good
support system around you.

My plan does not work
for broken shattered people.

It only works for
obtusely bored rich people...

sort of it works.

I'm not helping
the homeless."

But I feel like
these self-help gurus

would be around no matter what.

Like, if there was
an apocalypse, let's say,

I don't know
what's gonna come first.

Either the Ecocatastrophe,
that probably will come first,

or a financial
meltdown globally,

which will lead
to widespread riots

and just pure carnage.

Or, you know,
or nuclear strike
which is eminent.

By the way,
thank you for coming.

I think... I don't know.

I don't know
which will come first,

but I feel like there still
will be a self-help guru around.

Let's say there's like
15 people left on the planet.

This is my impersonation
of a self-help guru with like

15 people left on the planet.

"All right!


we have no water.

We have no gas.

We have no edible food.

We have no electricity,
except for this mic...

Don't ask me how that works.

The oceans have risen,

temperatures outside
are 110 degrees.

There are rabid dogs
running around.

Itinerant gangs
are raping the survivors.

Lawlessness, carnage.

But I say,
'Why not realize your goals?'

A lot of people
are using this apocalypse

to cower in fear and kill
and slaughter each other.

I say,
'Lose that last 10 pounds!'

And, by last 10 pounds,
I mean, literally,

the last 10 pounds.

Now I have a three-point plan

that can get you
through the apocalypse.

Number 1,

Learn how to play
a musical instrument.

I believe a twig
can be fashioned into a flute.

Number 2,

With that skill find a mate.

Now, gentlemen,
I know we haven't seen women
since the nuclear strikes,

but I believe
if you play a flute

they will come.

Something about music.

And, Number 3,

When you find a woman,
have a baby

and start a new civilization."

Funny story...

These soulless corporate fucks
always have a funny story

that's always horrible.

Funny story...

I was, walking

through the forbidden zone,

It gets better.

And I saw a man
eating a small child.

Hold for it.

Hold for it.

I said to him,

"Is that your boy?"

He said, "It was."

I said,
"Do you feel like giving up?"

He said, "I do."

I said, "What if I had
a three-point plan

that could get you through
the apocalypse?"

He said,
"I'm willing to try."

And today,
he is doing very well
staring at the sun...

and masturbating
on a diamond."

I also hate how
the NFL particularly

has been turned into
a commercial for the military.

Like, it's un-fucking real.

The last Super Bowl,

which was played in
Giant Stadium...
I'm a big Giant fan,

they're always flying
B-52 bombers

for some reason
overhead of the games.

You know, and by the way,
if they were gonna do that,

the least they could've done

is drop a couple
of good players for the Giants

if you're gonna fly over.

They sucked this year.


I am pandering
to the sports crowd

And they always have
a big announcement too, for it.

Like this, this
great big announcement like,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
flying overhead

is the 101st airborne division

with B-52 bombers!"

I wish,
I wish these announcers
would tell the truth.

Like, I wish they would be like,

"Ladies and gentlemen,

flying overhead
are B-52 bombers!

Each one of these B-52 bombers

could be 50 libraries
in your community!

You would actually
have an infrastructure

that didn't look like
it was held together with spit!

But instead, all you have

is an outward manifestation

of imperialistic evil!

Enjoy the game!"

My point is,
they cost a lot of money...

to kill people.

And the other group of people

I-I can't get down with
are the real New Agey people

who are not really
connected to reality,

because I have terrible insomnia
and every once in awhile,

I will call up
one of my New Age friends,
and I'll be like,

"I-I can't sleep.
What should I do?"

And they're like, "Eddie,

just drink Sleepytime Tea.

And I'm like, " Sleepytime tea?


Is that gonna
make up for the fact

that I was molested...

and I owe three guys
five grand by Friday?

And I endured
being kept in a steel box

for my first 25 years of my life

with two pinprick holes in them?

Through one of the holes
I was kept alive

with an eyedropper
of high fructose corn syrup...

which it turns out
is very bad for you.

And through the other hole

I just could barely make out

a naked man in a clown mask

waving his cock spelling out,

'Please help me' in sperm!

And every once in awhile,
he would have a veal scallopini

on a marble surface!"

Then the New Age people

get really nervous
and they're like,

"Try it with lemon and honey,"
and they hang up.

All right, everybody,

thank you so much!

I did.

I did think I was very good.

I really did.
But thank you so much.

Thanks again, everybody!