Eddie Izzard: Circle (2002) - full transcript

Town Hall, New York City, 26 June 2000. An evening with Eddie Izzard in which he moves back and forth in time, with religion as the loose but constant theme. He begins with Pope John Paul II, and then criss-crosses to Pius XII, the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades and Jerusalem, the world's five major religions, the Dark Ages, Jesus, and the future. Along the way, Izzard makes observations about guns and monkeys, the World Series, the NRA and the IRA, mad cows, Socrates, the Stoned Olympics, the Roman Empire, the Renaissance, and the Mona Lisa. Izzard wears black nylons, black leather pants, a black jacket and a diamond necklace.

Hello, New York.

So, er, hi, welcome to New York.
You probably live here.

But l just thought l'd do that,
in a bit of a weird way.

l need to speak clearly because
for the first five minutes you'll go,

''God, an English accent! l can't
understand a word he's saying.''

So you go,
''What? What the fuck's he saying?

''Shit, he's wearing
a lot of make-up.''

But that's a third millennium thing
and you've just gotta swing with it.

There'll be a lot more guys
with make-up.

And by the end of the millennium,
you'll probably find that you're dead.


Otherwise you'll be on
your millionth face-lift and...

A fucking ratchet,
just like Brazil. Erm...

Yeah, so, a lot more guys
in make-up probably,

cos make-up's just crazy,
Native Americans used to wear it

and it did all right
for them until...until...

well, till you killed them all,
l suppose.

ln that kind of
European bastard-like way.

Cos we did it first.
So you said, fuck, we'll come here

and then we'll continue that thing.

lt's sort of human, isn't it?
Being complete bastards.

ln the south of England,
the word is ''bar-stard''

but in the north it's ''ba-stard''
and it's much better to say ''ba-stard''.

- That's an accent thing.
- (Man ) Hey!

North of England.

lf we say ''bar-stard'',
he says, ''Oh, you're posh.''

Bastard means illegitimate child
which used to be so important.

''Good afternoon, l'm a bastard.''
You go, ''Oh, can't talk...''

But now, if you're a bastard,
people go, ''That's quite sexy.''

At school, all the kids go,
''Hello. Shall l open the door?''

They never got shagged at all.

lf they were a bit of a bastard,

then shagging a-plenty and...

l don't know what this means
but it's true.

l just noticed it.

Hello? Lost you. Lost them all.

Had them, lost them.
Oh, got stuff on my hand.

So, yeah, now, the Pope,
what's going on there, eh?

What's he on about?
Gets out there, chatting away.

There was Pope John, you remember.
Now there's Pope John Paul.

The next Pope is gonna be
Pope John Paul George and...

And we can see where they're going.

lt's that populist edge, Pope John
Paul George Ringo will take off.

He'll have songs in the charts...

(Mumbles Latin )

# Da-nah-nah-nah
(Mumbles Latin )

Always checking their faces,
aren't they?

ln case there are flies,
you know, like cows use their tails.

That's what the Pope does,
keeps the flies off.

Catholics are good with
''Keep those flies off.

''l'm a Catholic, you fucking fly...

Protestants don't have anything
to keep the flies off except a gun.

A big, fucking gun.

And, er, it's...

Because the Pope has got stuck
in that l'm-wearing-a-tent thing

and he goes round in a popemobile,
the only other person who does that

is Batman - in the Batmobile.

# Cos he's Popeman, Popeman

# Popeman with Altar Boy #

# Popeman #

''Quick, Altar Boy! There's some sinners
who need chastising.

''Leap into the popemobile.''
(Hums Batman theme)

''Put those candles out.''

With Holy Water and Jesus Discs.

''Vampires! Look out, Popeman!
Vampires are coming.

''You sure shot them out of the sky.''

( # Sings plainsong)

Could be a whole series.

With a lot of complaints. And, er...

All l'm talking about here
is # Blasphemy

# And blass for you

# Blass for everybody in the room

- # l'm just gonna blaspheme and... #
- ( Scattered applause)

Six-person joke, that. There we go.

Yeah, l don't believe that religions
are religions.

l believe they're philosophies
with some fucking weird ideas.

So...anyway, John Paul...

Johnny Paul, a bit knackered -

that's a word you can use in Britain
and you'll fit right in.

And ''That's a load
of bollocks, mate. A load of...''

lt means bullshit. Bullshit, bollocks,
very close in the dictionary.

lt's weird cos bollocks,
that's crap,

but if it's the dog's bollocks,
that's really good.

Bollocks means testicles, so the
dog's bollocks are the dog's testicles

but it is good.

lt's weird. You can go up
to the Queen and say,

''That outfit, the Queen,
it's the dog's bollocks.''

She'll say, ''Thank you for saying so.

''l thought it did look like
the dog's bollocks.''

''Well, it does look
and it is the dog's bollocks.''

She'll be as happy as Larry,
however happy he is.

So, they're not very good
at naming popes as well.

They had a run of Piuses,
it went like Hollywood.

Pope Pius l, Pope Pius ll,

Pope Pius lll,
The Revenge of the Pius Papal.

Pope Pius lV -
This time he's pissed off.

Pope Pius V in 3-D.

''The body of Christ.''
''God! He hit me in the face!''


But Johnny Paul, he was...
going down to Jerusalem.

He went to Jerusalem cos
it was the holy city for Christians

and for the Muslims and it's
a holy city for the Jewish people.

lt's a bit of a fucking mess there.

Three major religions, one holy city.

Couldn't they have just
spread it out a bit?

''You have Aqaba, we'll have Moscow,
you have Dover. All right?''

A bit of space. One city!
Everyone's there.

Nightmare. Anyway...

He went there and he was apologising.

Johnny was apologising for things
done wrong in the name of God,

shit that happened
in the name of God.

Like during the Second World War,
Pope Pius Xll

was supposed to apologise,

not apologise, castigate Hitler
for being a ''genocidal fuckhead''.

With bunny-rabbit ears.

But he didn't say that, he wimped out

and he's been renamed now
as Pope Gutless Bastard l.

Which is good.

But l should say
it's Pope Gutless ''Bas-tard'' l.

He did apologise for
the Spanish lnquisition.

He said it was far too inquisitive.

Supposed to be
the Spanish Casual Chat.

''Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo.''

''El Diablo is an exciting character.

''He is one with the ladies.
Why do you wish to know?''

''No reason, just a casual chat.''

But it wasn't. lt was,
''Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo.

''lf you do not, l will play
this barrel organ for hours.''

# Gling, gling, gling
Gling, gling #

That was a barrel organ version
of Jerusalem.

Which was a British Empire type song.

lt's a hymn, one we'd sing
in church. As a kid, l'd...

# And did those feet... #
Boom, boom, boom.

# ln... # You know, and it's got
really weird lines in it, erm...

''And shall my sword sleep
in my hand?'' Not a good idea.

You're gonna roll over
and cut your bits off, aren't you?

And then it's that
Godfather scene of, ''Oh, oh!

''A head of a horse and my willy and...''

''Should my sword sleep near my bed

''but not too close
so it cuts my bits off.''

That's how the line should go.

And it ends up with, ''And shall
Jerusalem be builded here

''on England's green
and pleasant land?''


Leave it where it fucking is.

lt's in Jerusalem.

lf you've sung a hymn, you don't
pay attention to it but it's saying,

''And we're gonna build it here...''

What is it?
Jerusalem ll, The Sequel?

Leave it there, otherwise people
will wake up in Jerusalem and go,

''What? Where...?'' You know?

Erm, yeah, so, that was Jerusalem.
l was talking about organ grinders...

The Spanish lnquisition. They always
have a monkey with the organ.

(Humming cha-cha )

# l dream of... #

The monkey was
always the star, really.

The organ grinder - anyone
could do that, even a dead person.

As long as they were Steve Austin
and their arm was plugged in.

That should work but the monkey...
No music, the monkey...

# l love you

# l'm a monkey, whoa #

And Charlton Heston, he...

Yes... Yes, he's had a few run-ins
with monkeys, hasn't he?

Charlton Heston,
he did Planet Of The Apes, and er...

he not only played his role
but he was all the monkeys.

That's what people don't know.

But anyway, he's head
of your National ''Riffle'' Association.

Because you have a gun problem...
America's worked too well.

lt was a good idea - freedom...
The pursuit of freedom.

The pursuit of happiness?
Egalitarian...? l don't know.

Pursuit of something. You pursue
happiness. ''Come on, happiness.''

(lmitates shotgun )

''l found me some happiness,
l'm gonna shoot it now.

''You fucking happiness.
You come with me,

''with those big, fucking eyes.

''Oh, shit, l shot my mother.

''l thought it was a deer. Oh, dear.

''Well, put some antlers on her

''and do a sort of Woody Allen type
bit of stand-up.''

Yeah. So, er...

Er, the gun control thing. We've got
no guns, Australia's got no guns.

You've got them all.

And you're the Roman Empire now,
there's no other superpower.

You're just out there
and we can't catch up.

The British Empire lost it by going,

(Upper class accent)
''Oh, do you think so?''

A lot.

And ''Oh, really? Have they?''

There was a lot of that
towards the end of the Empire.

''Are you sure?''

Erm...where...? Oh, Charlton Heston!
National Riffle...Rifle Association.

Erm, and you have that saying,
what is it?

''Guns don't kill people, people
kill people,'' but monkeys do, too.

lf they've got a gun.

Without a gun, they're friendly.
With a gun, they're dangerous.

They wouldn't be lethal, just...

(lmitating firing handgun )

ln the '70s, all that signing work
was done with monkeys.

''Hey, you're a monkey?''
''Yeah, l'm a monkey.''

''What's it like being a monkey?''
''Not bad, not bad.

''What's it like being a human?''

''Pretty good.''

''Can l have a banana?''

''No, l have no bananas.

''On this day.''

''No bananas? Well, l'm not
fucking talking to you.''

''What's that mean?''

''l don't know. l just ad-libbed it.

''Give me a fucking banana.

''Give me a fucking banana.''

''All right.''

''All right,
what do you wanna know?''

''How does
the monkey community interact?''

''You know, in the usual way.

''Give me another banana.''

''No. No more bananas.''

''l've got a gun.''

''You didn't even sign that time.''

''l know.

''We've been able to talk.

''We've been talking for years

''but when you guys turn up, we go...''
(lmitates a monkey)

''When you piss off, we go,
'He was a bit weird.'

''We have a posh British accent.

''What do you think, Samantha?''
''l don't really like the sound of him.''

''Monkey see, monkey do.'' ''Yes.''

''l think he's more monkey do.''

So what l thought is
you give a gun to a monkey

and let him into
Charlton Heston's house,

lock the doors
and then film it through the window.

- ( Scattered applause)
- And we'll find out...

Thank you, twelve people.

We'll find out if it is the gun...
They may have to change the line to,

''Guns don't kill people,
people kill people

''and monkeys do, too, brackets,
if they've got a gun, close brackets.''


The monkey, he'll be just...

And you train him to reload
cos that's fair.

But don't train him the full FBl...

''On the floor.

''On the fucking floor!

''Have you got bananas?


''Charlton in the other room?

''You got bananas?
Are you Charlton? All right, mate.

''Thank you, ma'am.''

So, we'd watch that, yeah?

Tonight, Charlton Heston
with a monkey and a gun.

Film at eleven. You'd have to catch that.

Anyway, that's why John Paul ll...

apologised for
the Spanish lnquisition.

Because Spaniards,
they were stretched with the rack.

''l stretch you, Don Miguel.
Tell me. Confess.''

''What do you want me to confess?''
''Anything. What you got?''

That's why most people in Spain
are eight foot, nine foot tall.

lt's true! Anyone been to Spain? No.
So there you go.

Earlier than that, the Crusades -
totally fucked.

Richard the Lionheart, who had
the heart of a lion, as well as his own.

He ripped it out of the lion

and the lion was left with
a bicycle pump and not much to do.

''l'm a bit pissed off,'' he's going.

And the idea was
if you get stabbed through the heart,

he's still got his lion heart going
and that way he could live longer...

They didn't believe me.

But they went down to get
the Muslims out of Jerusalem, l think,

and they hacked them, ''l kill you
in the name of Jesus,'' but the Muslims,

''No. Jesus is a prophet in our religion.
We kill you in the name of Jesus.''

''Do you?

''l didn't know that.

''Jesus in your...?
Right. l kill you for your dark skin.

''Jesus was a white man from Oxford.''
''No, he wasn't.

''He bloody was not. He's from Judea,
dark-skinned man such as we.''


''Look, we've come all this way.

''Would you mind awfully
if we hacked you to pieces?

''Just for the press back home.''

A lot of battles happened that way.

Alexander the Great,
steaming through Persia,

took out Darius lll,
as we all know, then...

- ran on... What?
- (Voice from audience)

Who? Just shut up, will you?

( Applause and whooping)

l know one or two people
have heckled but l will kill you.

lf it's in the middle of a flow.

What was l saying?

Alexander. Steaming on,
after a while his army's going,

''Hang on, Alex,
l think we've lost them.

''l don't know where we live any more

''and we've killed
most of the people we've met.

''So would you
just like to chill out?''

Alex is going, ''Look, l'm 32, l'm gay,
l'm on a roll, let's go.'' ''On you go.''

Yeah, and Johnny Paul was
looking for a coming together,

a sort of synergy
between the major five religions,

Christianity, Judaism, lslam,

RCA, Sony.

Buddhism and Hinduism,
apart from the two silly ones,

they've all got Jesus in.

And l'm not gonna tell you
about the silly ones.

lf you think, ''RCA? They're in
the Middle East, aren't they?''

lf you can't work out what they are,

you probably watch in the plane
when they do the belt bit.

''Oh, right! Oh, yeah.''

lf you can't do the belt bit...
That should be a test before you get on.

''Do you know the belt bit?
Here's a belt, try it.''

''Oh, fuck off.''

Cos if it goes down, you'll be
the one going, ''l can't get out of it.

''What's this? Strap it to my ear?

''Let me fly the plane.''
''Fuck off.''

Anyway, Jesus, the historical figure,

who was called Joshua by Joseph,

by the people, Jesus was
the Greek name or something.

l was watching l, Claudius
the other night.

And he's in Christianity.
Christianity is his best film.

That's where he was the Son of God.

Starring Jesus as the Son of God.

Where he said that famous line,
''Take your hands off her, you bitch.''

(lmitating a machine walking)

And then he blew it
out of the airlock.

Or is that Aliens?

Cos they're very similar,
Christian faith and the film Aliens.

Very similar.

Then in lslam, Jesus is a prophet,
l didn't realise this.

But Muhammad's top prophet, top dog,

then Jesus is second prophet,
like left back in football.

Muhammad's striker,
knock them in the goal.

''Go, Mo! Go, Mo!''

And Jesus is left back, ''Mo,
take it up.'' Abraham on the left wing.

This is football l'm talking about,
which you call bananas and...

and you're reluctant to play it.

But you play baseball,

the World Series,
and America's won every year in that.

Well done, America.

That's good.

lt's impressive in a world event
for America to win so many years.

So well done to you.

Maybe one year a country other than
America will win but l doubt it.

lf you go to a game, you have that
thing going... # Nah, na-nah-na #

Someone on an organ playing...
# Nah, na-nah-na #

You do know that's shit, don't you?

That is shit, isn't it?
Or do you sit there saying,

''Oh, the wonderful tunes
of our great composer...

''Jeff Crap-in-the-head.''

lt's not the same guy
playing at all these places,

there must be young people coming in.
''Are you...?'' ''Yeah, l'm from...''

# Nah, na-nah-na
Nah, na-nah-na

''But what about...?''

# Nah ma-na ma-na-ma-na
Ba Bah na-ma-nah-ma ner ner

''No, it's just...''
# Nah, na-nah-na

( Sings up a key)

''l quite like...'' # Ba na-ma-na nah #

''No, you can't.'' # Na na na... #

''Well, it's crap.''

''l know.

''But no one else has noticed.''

Can't you just kill them?
You have the guns.

What's gonna bring down America?

lf you look to the Roman model,
it's just America.

You've got all the guns
in the world, we've banned them.

Even the lRA are saying,

(lrish accent) ''We don't want any more
guns in Northern lreland now.''

They've been doing
the Agreement for ages,

do you get this on...?

Do you know there's other countries?

( Cheering)

Just checking.

lt's just, you know, sometimes

you have to go through
a fair few channels to get any...

''Meanwhile in Yemen in....

''in California...'' Oh, fuck.

ln Northern lreland, Protestants
and Catholics were going - the lRA -

''lf you just sign your name
on the declaration,

''we will be taking our hands off
the guns right now,

''if you just put
your signature there.''

''We will sign this paper if you will take
your hands away from the guns.

''The signature is so close
to going on if you just remove...''

''l've got my nail on the gun now.
That's all l have.

''The ball is in your court

''if you could just put that ink
onto that thing.

''lt's hardly a nanometre away.''

''if you just take
your fucking finger away,

''l'm dripping the ink down there.

''l'm putting ink on. lt's not making
any sentences yet... You fucking...''

''All right, it's all fucking off, forget it.''

What was l talking about?

(Man, indistinct)

Oh, yes, Jesus. l don't know
what you said, but thank you.

So, he's in that. ln the Jewish faith,
Jesus is not quite in it.

The Old Testament ends and
he's at the start of the New Testament

but he's just waiting there,
''Hello? Can l come in now?

''You know, just at the end?
Oh, shit.''

l think the Jewish historians now admit
Jesus was around at the time,

he was like with the band.

He was with the Pharisees.
''My name's Jesus. Should be on the list.

''l'm with the Pharisees.

''The Pharisees.
Son of Joseph. Jesus McJoseph.

''l'm on? OK, thanks.
Hey, how you doing? Harry, Jeff.''

And in Buddhism,
he's a friend of Buddha.

He's like Buddha's baby brother
Benny. Something like that.

So that's good.

And Buddha isn't actually Buddha,
l thought Buddha was the big, fat guy

but Buddhism means enlightenment
and l don't know who the fat guy is.

There's a thin guy called Siddhartha
who started it all.

And it's not Sid Arthur
like the East End of London...

'''Ello, Sid Arfur 'ere.

''Apples and pears, dog and bone,

''the middle way, that's what l think.

''What do you want?
Couple of pounds of raspberries?

''Buddhism, take it or leave it.''

lt's more, it's a lot more Hs.

lt's Siddhartha. lt's silent Hs
and stuff like that in it.

And he's in Hinduism as well. He's...

There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism,
he's got to be in there somewhere.

There's Siva,
the god of creation and destruction,

which is a good god to be
cos you can go... ''Do you like that?

''You don't like that?''

lf you're just the god
of creation... ''Do you like that?

''No? l'll put it in the garage.

''Shit. l haven't got a garage.''

So in the Christian faith,
God created...

Adam in His own image, yeah?
So that was good.

But 65 million years before that
God created the dinosaurs

using the image of his cousin Ted.

And Ted was not
the black sheep of the family,

he was the huge fucking monster
of the family.

And it must have been God, you know,
it's not in the Bible is it?

lt should have been
mentioned in Genesis.

You'd think God would have
grabbed some scribe -

''But before that there were dinosaurs

''who were a bit crap so fuck 'em.''

Not in there.

Maybe because dinosaurs
were discovered in the 1 700s,

1800s, somewhere round there,
maybe it is a philosophy

and some bloke with a beard
doesn't live upstairs. Maybe.

# Blasphemy, blass for you #

So l think under
the logic situation,

God, Captain God with the big beard,
He must've created the dinosaurs

and Jesus must have asked questions.

''Dad, what were
these dinosaurs all about?

''Big hairy...'' Not hairy, were they?!

''Big slimy bastards.

''Teeth. Small hands.
What's that? For playing piano?

''Brain in the bum?
What's the bum brain for?''

''l'll explain it, Jesus.
l created the world in seven days.

''Then on the...''

''Dad, are you gonna do this James
Mason impression all the time?''

(Whooping and applause)

''Be quiet, you cherubim and seraphim.

''Sorry, Dad,
they're very noisy up here in heaven.

''Just let the blind down.

''All right, go on.''

''As l was saying...''
''Do your real voice!''

''My real voice is a bit weird.''

''All right, do the James Mason.''
''Well, OK.

''So if it's crap, it's not my fault?
No, it's not His fault.''

''Er, yeah. But l don't know
what you're talking about.''

All right, forget that. Anyway,
''On...'' Who am l, quick?

Oh, yes. ''Created the world
in six days. Seventh day, rested.

''Eighth day, rested as well.

''Ninth day, rested,
cos l'd just made a world, you know?

''Tenth day, rested.
Actually, l rested from then on.

''14th day l decided to smoke
all the marijuana l had created,

''just to test the first batch.

''On the 1 5th day l decided to smoke
all the opium l had created,

''just to test the first batch.

''And on the 309th day l woke up again

''and l decided to create 500 huge
monsters l'd seen the night before.''

''Dad, did you
have to make them so stupid?''

''Well, l didn't know what l was doing,
l was off my tits, so...''

But then Jesus had to go down onto
earth and preach to the dinosaurs

and he was not happy about that.

''l'm not going down there!''
''You must, that's your job.

''That's what the Son does.''

''What does Mum think of all this?''

''Well, l think she agrees with me.

''lt'll be good
character-building stuff.''

''Just cos she's an Elven queen.''

''What, Galadriel?''

''My wife?''

''No one's going with it.''
''All right.

''They don't know who she is, Dad.''

''All right, l'll go down.''

So he goes down
and there's dinosaurs everywhere.

( Growling)

Said Jesus.

Trying to blend in.

And he goes into a dinosaur bar.

(lmitates Star Trek doors)

All the dinosaurs
stop what they're doing.

(Humming Oh, Susannah )

Other dinosaurs playing cards.


And Jesus said, ''My name's Jesus
and l'm the Son of God.

''ln one religion.

''l've come to read you
the stuff from my father's book,

''that we're hoping to get
a publisher for.

''lt's called the Holy 'Biblee'.

''We may change
the pronunciation on that.

''but we think a 'Biblee'
is what people should have.

''Maybe in the future, people
will have Bib-lees in all the hotels.

''They'll say, 'Look at the Bib-lee!'

''People will pay attention.

''Anyway, these are just some ideas,
all rough, that my dad...

'''Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.'''

( Growls)

''All right, we'll cross that one out.

''Cos they won't mind.''

''No, no, we're fine, really.
Not inherit the earth?

''Oh, right.
No, we don't really mind.''

''Do you mind if you don't?

''We'll do 'blessed are the meek'
and that's it.''

''All right, do we inherit anything?''

''Maybe an old picture of an aunt.''

''Yes, we're all right with that,
thank you.''

Cos the meek
have had a hell of a time,

as Python talked about and...

They were supposed
to inherit the earth,

you'd think they'd be having meetings -

''Order! Has anyone
inherited the earth?''

''l inherited a car
from my aunt - a Ford Cortina.''

''Well, that's not exactly the earth,
is it, Simon?

''We should pool our assets
and get guns!

''That'll get people's attention.

''Lock and load! What do we want? ''
''We want the earth.''

''When do we want it?''
''Now, motherfucker!''

(lmitating machine gun )

''You want some, do you?
Come on, you bastards!

''lt's our fucking earth!''

The Meek.

They want it all.

At a cinema near you.
Don't watch this film on lbuprofen.

lf your legs are nailed to your mother,
if your jam lives in your...

''Anyway,'' said Jesus. ''Right.

''l'm back here,'' said Jesus.
Yes. So...meek.

''What about 'Blessed are
the huge scaly monsters for they...

'''shall inherit the earth unless something
awful happens with the temperature'?''

And suddenly...

an archaeopteryx came screaming out
and took Jesus's head off.

And Jesus goes back to heaven saying,

''Dad, they're a bunch of bastards!''

''What happened?''
''They took my head off!

''l have to talk with my hand now.

''That's what l have to do now.''

''Well, well, that's... What a to-do.

''l'll turn the world thermostat
down to 0 degrees Kelvin.''

''Minus 273 degrees centigrade?''

''You been at
the physics books again?''

Sorry, talking to my hand.

''Have you been at
the physics books again?''

''Your step-mother would be proud.''


So God killed all the dinosaurs.

Then He took all the dinosaurs
and put each one inside a stone.

But then God seemed to wait
65 million years doing this...

(Listless humming)

# Bah, bah, bah-bah, baah #

So l don't swing
with the Christian thing

because of this 65 million year gap
that doesn't make sense.

And the universe is unbelievable.

Our galaxy, the Milky Way,
a hundred billion stars.

We wouldn't count up to
a hundred billion.

We could count to a hundred billion
but we would not.

They have clusters of galaxies
and then there's big bits of nothing

and so it's awesome, yeah?

The universe is awesome,

using the original meaning of
the word awesome, not the new one,

which is sort of, with socks and hot
dogs, ''Hey, red and yellow? Awesome!

''You got red and yellow socks?
They're awesome!''

But if they were you'd be... ( Gasps)

l saw an advert for
awesome hot dogs - only 2.99.

lf they were awesome
you'd be going,

l cannot breathe for the way
the sausage is held by the bun.

And it's speaking to me, saying,
''We are lips and thighs of a donkey.

''Please eat us but do not think
we are lips when you eat us

''otherwise you'll throw up.''

Which is true.

lt's awesome, that is...

America needs the old version

because you're the only ones
in space.

You've got a bit of cash and you go up
and you need awesome

because you'll be going to
the next sun to us

and your president will say,
''Can you tell me what it's like?''

''lt's...it's awesome, sir.''
''What, like a hot dog?''

''Like a hundred billion
hot dogs, sir.

''Sir, it's the dog's bollocks,
that's what it is.''

We don't go into space.

You do. ln Europe we send up
tin cans, that's no fun.

lt's got to have, ''Ooh-ooh.''
Tin cans we don't care about.

But you send people up
and you send things to Mars

that sometimes get there.

l'm just... You know, cos we didn't.

But you had the metric and the imperial
system on the calculations.

Cos in America
you had the metric system

for two weeks, it seems, in the '70s.

Carter said, ''Here's the metric system,
you want a metric system?''

Not with that accent but, you know.

''Metric system,''
and you seemed to go,

''Get out of here with your
goddamn commie metric system!

''Comin' in here...

''Hey, see what we got?
We got a metric system!

''The outlaw Josey Wales
with a metric system.

''Yeah, he's sharp.

''Watch him - he's got
those millimetres and centilitres

''and those millipedes.
Full of insects - communist insects!''

And you got rid of it!

You sort of played with
the metric system like this...


And because of that
this machine went...

All the little technological things
in that thing to Mars going,

''Wasn't that our turning?''

So anyway,
there's the big-bang theory,

everything exploded, we're expanding,

then it's gonna contract
and do it again.

How many have there been? Seven?

Well, we don't know.

And chaos theory, l like it
because shit happens, yeah?

The explanation is there's
no explanation cos shit happens.

But with a sort of
spiritual thing on top...

''Hey, good luck.''

''What speed is that?''

''l don't know, 45.

''Under the speed limit.''
''What, go slow, you mean?''

''No, fucking fast. Godspeed.''

God with a big cigar, lot of hair.

''Fuck you, buddy.''

l think that's Godspeed.

(lmitates speeding car)

''Was that God?''

Yeah. So chaos theory,
the god Chaos,

l believe in the god Chaos.
l would if he was around.

l think he's a god without a plan,
a god going,

''What? Me? l don't know!''

He lives in a caravan in deep space.
''Do l? Oh, right! Wow.

''Just trying to make a flan,
can't get the pilot light on.''

You don't need
to applaud too much,

l'd like the video to have no applause
and everyone just going, ''Fuck.''

Just because when applause happens
l keep thinking l should go.

- But thank you.
- (Person applauding)

No, don't applaud!

Cos at the Oscars
you can applaud yourself.

You shouldn't, cos at the Oscars,
''Nominated is this guy.''

He's there going, ''Yeah...''

ln Britain we can't do that.

When it comes to you, you put
your hands, nail them to the floor.

''No, sir, l will not applaud myself!''

lt's like carrying things out
in doggy bags, we can't do it.

Europeans come over and just...

Someone has one bite of a thing,
''Can you bag that?''

And we go, ''What? Urgh!
You're gonna eat that later? Urgh!

''Gonna take it home?


Just eat it and say, ''Could you just
throw that somewhere?''

Anyway, so, yes, the god Chaos
is there and he has a son,

the god Chaos
has a son called Kelvin.

''lt's fucking freezing outside, Dad.''

''None of your physics jokes!''

''All sons have physics jokes, Dad.''

''They groaned at that, you realise?

''The whole bloody audience groaned -

''it's the weirdest fucking line
l've ever heard.

'''All sons have physics jokes'.''

''Someone clapped, Dad.''
''Well, just forget it.

''Anyway, l can't light
this pilot light for my flan.''

''Just got to...''

And suddenly the whole flan went up.

''That's the big bang! l've done it!''

And the flan flew off

and gradually cooled
and formed stars

and the god Chaos
put arbitrary things upon them

like helicopters, jam,
radioactive peanuts, socks and...


But human beings,
we've done OK, we've made things,

like the spinning jenny,

the spinning Arthur
and the spinning Bernard.

Spinning jenny was more successful
but she had a hell of a time.

''Hey, fucking hell, let me go!
l don't want to....''

That was
a fucking weaving joke. Erm...

All the weavers got it. Anyway...

But whales, they're intelligent,
they do whale song.

(lmitates whale song)

We don't know what it means

but l think whales
are travelling at 78.

They're travelling at 78 speed,

if we take them up to 45 speed,
they're actually going -

# l love you, baby

# And if it's quite all right
l love you, baby

# Throughout the night, l love you, baby

# Trust in me when l say... #

( Continues humming)

Yeah, they're DJs, you see.
DJs of the sea.

Cos sound travels well in water

and they need a big PA
but they've got their whole bodies.

Yeah, it works, doesn't it?

''This next song's going out to
all the goldfish down by the Azores.''

# l love you, baby... #

So they're intelligent and...

and...dolphins, they're intelligent,
we all saw the documentary Flipper.

Dolphins came up going... ( Clicking)
''What's that, Flip?

- ''Chiang Kai-shek is having trouble?''
- ( Clicking)

''Mao Tse-tung has taken over China?''

( Clicking)

''Chiang Kai-shek
has retired to Taiwan?

''With a complete disregard
for international copyright rules?

''ls that what you're saying, Flip,
or do you want fish?''


every...every episode of Flipper,
he'd always say the same thing,

always a problem.

''A boy trapped in a well? ln water?

''Three boys fell out of a ship?
A small ship? A big ship.

''Two syllables.

''Sounds like The Deep?
The Deep? With the shark? Jaws?

''Like that?

''Gone With The Wind! OK.''

They were all like that -
there was Skippy. (Tutting noise)

''What's that, Skip? A boy trapped
drowning in a desert? Desert?

''lll? ln a sandy place?'' (Tutting)

''He's... What, he's ill?
He's got a bad leg?

''What? Gone With The Wind?''

And Lassie as well.

Always Lassie, Flippy, Skippy,
all that E sound.

Except for Flipper.

lt was supposed to be Slippy,
you know?

But they fucked it up.

Bastard. Anyway...

And there was a seal -
seals are not intelligent -

''Oh, l'm not sure.'' But they're good
with balls, aren't they?

Seals are good with balls
and there's no logic of it.

There are no balls in Antarctic,
the Arctic, the lsle of Tarctic

Tantartartic, Articartic,

And there's just
no fucking balls there.

They flip out onto the thingy,
you know, ice floe,

and they're not going,
''Where's me ball, eh?''

But in an aquarium,
in a dolphinarium,

in a sealarium,
they're fucking amazing.


But you never see a seal
that's bad, going, ''Yeah... Oh.

''Sorry, l just... lt's just not my thing.

''Give me... Count to three and...''

They're just phenomenal!
That's God or Mother Nature saying,

''OK, seals, blubber to keep warm,
fins to move 'em along,

''slippery shape...good with balls,
l think l'll put in here.''

Other animals
could have secret talents,

like tigers might be good
with banjos.

No one's thrown a banjo to a tiger.

( # Bluegrass banjo intro )

# Whoa, l'm a tiger #

So that's seals and swans can kill you
with their arms, apparently.

But l don't know how
because it doesn't quite work...

l think they sharpen their beaks
and then take your head off.

And cows, our British cows,
they can...

The old ones, they could kick...
They have mad cow disease.

We found they went totally mad
because they were fed cows.

They were supposed
to eat grass, yeah?

Remember? Cow eat grass.

But they were fed cows -
a cow was fed to a cow

and that cow was fed to another cow,
that cow was fed to another cow,

like the Russian doll thing.

lnstead of a herd of cows
you had one huge zeppelin cow

who was mad.

The farmer
filled that cow with helium

and took it to market on a string.

Just to show off!

You know, and...cows are herbivores,

they don't even eat vegetables,
they just eat herbs.

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

Because they chew the cud, yeah?

They take food in, partly digest it,
they bring it back up as sick...

and they chew that

but you know
what sick tastes like when...

But they never show that
in their eyes, do they?

Whereas if we were chewing the cud,
we'd be going...

But they've got discipline, cows,
they're trained.

They're just like dancers
in that way.

Dancers don't show it in the eyes.

This is when they're on point,
you know, the pain, the strength...

They chew their own sick, dancers,
they just...

lt's just the discipline thing.

Cows and dancers are very...

OK, it's a bit weird but it's true.

So we had three cows left in Britain
who were not mad.

''Are you mad?''
''No, sir!''

''Count up to ten in German.''
''Eins, zwei...zehn.''

''Count down from seven in French.''
''Ah, shit.

''Sept, six, cinq,
quatre, trois, deux, un.''

''Yes, well done,
you cows are not mad

''and you're fit and healthy enough
to be shot for food!''

''Thank you very much.''

So cows are back on sale. Well, beef.

And Europe said yes to British beef

but the French,
being kind of French -

and l do like the French
but they can be kind of French -

they said,
''We have our own scientists

''and even though we are supposed
to obey the European government

''we don't want to because we don't
like your beef no way no how.

''And you, l don't know
what you've done,

''you cook it really badly, you know?

''And we call you British people
the rosbifs

''and that's very funny.''

So...huge war of words

and the whole hatred thing
between the English and the French,

it was dug up again. lt's historical.

Until the 1 9th century
the English hated the French,

then they started hating the Germans,

moving alphabetically
through the map of the world.

Now, the year 2000,
we are fine with the Germans

but the Hungarians
are pissing us off.

But there was
all this thing going on,

the right-wing papers loved it
cos they could sell newspapers -

''You Frenchy froggy, froggy Frenchy,
our beefy lovely beefy,

''you Frenchy froggy.''

This was a Times editorial piece.

And then someone found out
that French cows are fed sewage.

Poo. They eat poo!

And they've got four stomachs,
so surely one stomach is gonna go,

''Hang on, l've seen this shit before.''

Yes sirree, bobby.

So... lt was awful.

All this shouting and screaming...

So l asked audiences, this hatred,
a lot of wars fought with hatred,

and battles,
just cos they've come all this way,

but hatred is the engine. So l said,
''Do you hate the French?''


''What about the Welsh?''
''Yeah, we hate them!''

''No reason.''

''The Americans?''
''Yeah, we hate Americans.''

Everyone hated Americans.
Sorry, just thought l'd...

Just passing on information,
all right?

l'm just the messenger,
l'm Joan of Arc.

And...so l can't tell you here,

cos l don't do active research,
l do passive research.

The easier version, where you let
the research come to you?

Come on, research, come on!
With the telly control...

A programme about sharks.
And then l know about sharks.

l know if you kiss them,
it disarms them.

So you can take that with you.

Next time you're
sliding down a shark's gullet,

just give him a big snog on the nose.

As a last resort, and he may go -

''Bye-bye, Mr Sharky!''

Or Toothy.

Like Flipper, they never had
the shark that did that.

( Growls) ''What's that, Sharky?

''Three boys fell out of a boat?

''They're drowning?
You've already eaten them?

''Well, you're no fucking good, are you?
Bugger off.''

# Sharky the friendly shark
But not too friendly #

So then there was the Greek, Socrates,
he was great.

He said... He invented questioning.
Before Socrates, no questioning.

Everyone sort of went,
''Yeah, l suppose so.''

So after Socrates, he taught Plato,
who's, l'm sure, in a documentary.

He taught Aristotle, who said the sun
goes around the earth - wrong!

But in his day
you didn't have to prove a theory.

Nowadays if you say,
''l think that soot is the elixir of life,

''if mixed with water.''

Then they say, ''Prove it!''

''l will! With string and iodine
and a note from my mother.''

But in Aristotle's time you could say
the sun goes round the earth

and they went,
''Well, done. A theory - fantastic.

''Just a few photos, all right?

''Well done. Good to see you.''

And then after the Greeks there were...

The Greeks, they invented
the Olympics, didn't they?

There was the Battle of Marathon

and then this bloke ran 26 miles,
the length of a marathon,

and he said, ''We won the Battle
of Marathon,'' and dropped dead.

lf you've lost, you could understand that

because the conquering army
would be after you

and they'd take out the next city.

So you run, run, run.
''They're coming! Oh, fucking hell.''

But if you've won, surely you just
saunter down. You don't run.

You'd get in a car, get some
naked people, take a lot of drugs.

''We fucking won!''


And you live forever. Surely!

So that's true but not funny,
that's what you're saying.

But in the last Olympics,
Britain didn't do very well -

no gold medals, which pissed me off.

But we're setting up a British Olympics
where every event is British.

Like the British 100 metres -
''Excuse me, pardon me.

''Excuse me.

''l think l was here first.''

We should win that.

And performance-enhancing drugs
are banned, OK.

But performance-debilitating drugs
should not be.

Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres,
fair play to you.

That's pretty damn good.

Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar
in the distance.

lmpresses the hell out of me.

So l think we should have
a Stoned Olympics.

We'd like that.

lf you get ten runners
who are off their faces, it'd be great.

''You fucking... Oh, up there? Right.

''l was going down there.''

The Stoned Olympics.

When people are tested for drugs,

they're tested to make sure
they have taken enough.

lf they haven't, they are banned from
ever taking part in the Stoned Olympics.

You start off in Athens,
where a joint is lit.

(Bugle call)

A huge Camberwell Carrot.

Then they run the three feet
to the next athlete.

''Where've you been?''

(Bugle call)

''Oh, hello. Are you running?''
''Yeah, l've been fucking waiting.

''We've all bunched up.''
And all the runners are...

Some of them already rolling their own.

''Do you want to pass it on?''

So there's the fucking lit candles
going all over Europe

until you get to Amsterdam,

where the athlete runs into the stadium,
up to the crucible with the eternal flame

and gets in and falls asleep.

Then the special opening happens
with all the colours

and brightly painted children run out
having eaten hash cookies

and fall about laughing,

and everyone goes, ''Fuck, it's amazing.''

And the games are not like the normal
Olympics where you get up at 6am

and train hard and run a race -

you get up at 2pm, get down the track,

a monkey with a gun starts everything.

Takes out one competitor just for fun.

Then you'd get a slice of pizza
and you're off on the hurdles.

Each event
would take about three hours.

The high jump with people running up
and going, ''You've got to be kidding.

''How do you get up there?''

Long jump, they run down
and fall into that sandpit.

Best shape wins.

Pole vault, they've got to get that pole
and throw it over the bar.

Javelin, a very dangerous event.

''Sorry, mate. Nothing personal.

''ls it a clean break?
Do you want to just... Can you run?

''lf you run with this over there,
l've won, you see.''

The final event would be the marathon,
the traditional end of the Olympics,

where 35 runners leave the stadium
and are never heard of again.

But then...

So the Greeks started that

but the Romans came with aqueducts
and viaducts and Marcus Aurelius.

And he wrote a meditation
on the Stoic principles

and the Stoics were great because you
could poke them and they wouldn't care.

''Cou... Could...''

''You're not a Stoic, are you?
You don't like that.''

''Could you stop that?''
''You're not a Stoic!

''A Stoic wouldn't say that!
You don't like it.''

''Just fuck off, will you?''

Like the Spartans had to stand in
underpants, with spears, on guard duty.

Must be some Spartans going,
''l'm fucking freezing.''

''You're a Spartan,
you will stand in your underpants.''

''l don't think l am a Spartan.

''Genetically, l think l'm a Comfyman.

''l should be in a big armchair
with an enormous duvet.''

But then the Roman Empire fell like this -

''Ooh, shit.''

And we went into what historians call
the Stupid Fucker Period,

where everyone was going, ''l dunno.

''ls that a Roman road? Can we eat it?''

Then we had the Dark Ages.
''l can't even see! Who are you?''

And we had kings in England,
like Ethelred the Unready.

What did he do to be called that?

''My King, the ambassador from...''

''Five minutes, all right?''

Er, and we had Edward the Confessor.
What the fuck did he do?

''My King, your state room has been...''
''Yeah, that was me.''

''But they trashed and broke the...''
''Yeah, l did that.''

''But you weren't here!''
''No, l came back early and did that.

''l was in one of my things.''

Then it all bottomed out
with the Renaissance.

The Re-naissance.
Renaissance, French for rebirth.

That's why most of the Renaissance
happened slap bang in Fr...


But they had a French name,
it gave them a certain je ne sais quoi.

A certain savoir faire, a certain d?tente,

a certain Jacques Chirac.

A certain cul-de-sac, a certain...

pomme de terre.

A certain...

vie de la Dordogne.

Fuck it. But the great Galileo was there...

Galileo, Galilae, Galilorum, Galilesque,

Who was a declension

and...he looked at the stars and said,
''l think the earth goes around the sun.''

The Pope was overjoyed at this truth

and put him under house arrest
for 20 years.

That Pope has been renamed
Pope Shit-For-Brains lX.

But Galileo had children, and they
would run in saying, ''Galileo, Galileo,

''will you do the fandango?''

(Humming Latin music )

''Thunderbolt, lightning
and very, very frightening.''

Donner, Blitzen, Cabaret Schnitzen,

Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Fartface,


and Kenneth.


But they were great in the Renaissance
period, active in many areas,

pushing away in different places.

Like...who was that guy?

Raphael! Not only a hairdresser,

but he did coffees as well.

Michelangelo, a painter and a decorator.

When the Pope said, ''Michelangelo,
paint the Sistine Chapel,''

he said, ''No problem.
l'll use these rollers, l'll do it in beige.

''Stipple effect,
and two days, we'll be sorted.''

''No, you get me wrong,
l want a picture of the Holy Father

''with Jesus Christ
and fat kids with wings.''

''What about beige, stipple effect?

''Two days, l'll be out of your hair.''

''l need a painting that takes ten years,

''Charlton Heston, he do a film about it
with different hair and...''

''All right - blue, stipple effect...''

''You fuck, you keep saying
the same punch line, does not work!

''You cannot say stipple effect,
no one knows what stipple effect is.''

''Neither do l.''

Then Leonardo da Vinci, who did
the Mona Lisa with the enigmatic smile.

Which is glum, in fact.

Enigmatic is just a big word.
She's glum, she's fucked off.

They X-rayed the painting and
there's earlier versions underneath.

The first version of the Mona Lisa
was much more...

Happy Lisa!

The second one was...

Sexy Lisa.

And the last one was Mona Lisa.
''Have you fucking finished?

''l've been here 1 5 fucking years.''

But he did other paintings,

like the guy in the bowler hat
with the apple in the face.

And the one of lilies which is all blurry,
that blurry lily one.

And he did a couple of Pissarros,
one or two Lautrecs

and he also made weapons of war
and pictures of anatomy.

And he invented a helicopter
that did not work.

And so did l! Yeah!

Did not work!

l accept your applause
for my crap invention.

For it had a lawnmower engine,
it was made out of wood and string

and it went underwater.

On paper.

But then the paper would get wet

and a helicopter that just exists
on paper...it needs to fly in the air

and l'm trying to make this work
as a joke

and it won't.

But in that Venn diagram
of helicopters that do not work,

there's me and Leonardo right in there.
l think that's quite nice.

''What, Mona Lisa?
No, wouldn't shag her.''

Who was Venn and his diagrams?
Was he the most boring child ever?

''Father, l have my foot in your bedroom
and also in the hall.

''As you can see from my diagram,
l am in both the bedroom and the hall.''

''Venn, fuck off out of this house.''
''All right, l am outside the house,

''but my hand is in the window
and my foot is in a grapefruit.

''As you can see from my diagram...

''Father, me and Socrates...

''both died.''

For Socrates was killed
by his own people.

He was,
because he questioned everything.

Go round his house, ''Nice house.''

''What is a house? ls it a house?
ls it made out of wood? Steel?''


''Underground heating
like the Romans?''

''Chill out!''
''How do l chill out?

''Am l chilling in if l'm in?''

''What is a sword?
ls it made of folded metal?

''lf l fall down,
can l get up in these heels?''


But the Renaissance period was good,
it was active, exciting,

good film, you can make films out of it.

There's sex and death and the Medicis

and Machiavelli wrote that book,
The Artist Formerly Known As.

World War Two, that's Europe's
biggest film. Saving Private Ryan.

The Americans steamed in
and they were looking for Private Ryan.

Where was Private Ryan?

lt would've been nice
to have had a British soldier,

as we came in on D-day
after four years of war. On our behalf,

a British soldier would've been nice.

Maybe just look round the edge
of the frame of the film. ''Hello.''

''Hello, l'm a British soldier. Canadian
here, Free French, Free Polish.

''There's Australians, New Zealanders,

''some lndian soldiers, South Africans,
all been fighting here.

''What's the name for us?

''Oh, the Allies, that's it. Hello.


''How are you getting on?

''Don't want to interrupt your film

''but if you could swing
the cameras over,

''the lads on Gold and Sword and
Juno beach would like to give a wave.

''A little wave there. Four years of war.

''Dunkirk, the Blitz, the Battle of Britain,

''all that shelling,
bombed to shit, no food.

''lf you'd just swing the fucking cameras
over, the lads would like to give a wave.

''You heartless bastards!''

We could've just wandered
across the back at any point.

''There's some Free French here, they
speak French, it could come in handy.

''Cos you don't speak it

''and neither do we.''

They were looking for Private Ryan,
Tom Hanks getting pissed off,

''Anyone know Private Ryan?''

We knew where he was!

All the rest of the Allies, we had maps
with, ''Private Ryan is here.''

We could've told him any time.

But would they ask us?

And they had this scene
where a Nazi was caught

and it's a scene we've seen before
where he says, ''No, l like America!

''Gl, Gl, hello, hello. Mickey Mouse!
Steamboat Willie!

''Of all the bars in all the world
you had to come into mine. Play it, Sam.''

You look at him and think, ''He's not
a bad Nazi, he's probably a good Nazi.''

But we've never seen the flip, where
a British or American soldier is caught.

They're going, under pressure,
''But l like Hitler! lch liebe Hitler.''

# Johnny Hitler
Deutschland, Deutschland... #

# ?ber alles... #

# Underneath the lamplight... #

Because we couldn't have stood for that.

Let's flip back to God,
who has a second go at making things.

He makes human beings
and puts them on earth

but they worship false idols
and cows made of gold.

So he says, ''Jesus, go down there
and set up a Me religion.

''lt's supposed to be a Me religion.

''They're worshipping cows
who eat their own sick!

''l don't eat my own sick.''

''Yes, you do!
But before it becomes sick.''

''That's a technicality.
Just get down there

''and don't put up with any pagan shit.''
Comes back 33 years later -

''You bastard! They treated me
worse than the fucking dinosaurs!

''They didn't cut my head off but they
nailed me to a tree for three days.''

''Well, l'm sorry, l didn't...''
''You knew all the time!

''Opposable thumbs? You knew.
They've got hammers, you bastard.

''They're fucking twisted, this lot.''
''What happened?''

''l went down, told them to hang out,
got some fishermen to help

''but they were hippies going,
'l converted someone this big.'

'''l thought they were that big?'
'That got away.'

''And the rich came to me and said
they wanted to get into heaven.

''l said, 'lt's easier for a camel
to get through the eye of a needle

'''than it is for a rich man
to get into heaven.'''

''That was pretty surreal of you.''

''Yeah, well,
l'd been smoking a bit that day.

''But the rich, they got huge blenders
and liquidised camels

''and squirted them with fine jets
through the eyes of needles,

''so they're all coming up now.

''Then l did the Last Supper, gave them
some wine, said it was my blood.''

''You said what?''

'''This wine is my blood.'
l was trying to make a ceremony.''

''But that's vampirism.

''Vampiric thing, drink my blood,

''you've got pagan things
right on day one of the new religion!''

''Oh, sorry.''

''Why didn't you say,
'Drink this wine, it's a Merlot?'''

''Oh, yeah.''

''Did you say anything else?''

''What do you mean?''
''After the wine thing,

''did you say anything else
that might have screwed things up

''for ever and ever?''


''Nothing at all?''

''Nothing about bread?''

''What did you say?''

''l said, 'Eat this bread, it is...

'''my favourite.'

''Because it was hot and had all
the crickly bits in it and l loved it and...

''l said it was my body, OK?''

''That's cannibalism. Vampirism and
cannibalism right at the beginning...

''And you died on Easter, the biggest
pagan ceremony in the history of ever!

''You're gonna celebrate your death
on a different year each year

''depending on where the moon is.

''lf they don't work out that's pagan,
l'll just eat my hat.''

''Dad, no one will work it out
for 2,000 years

''till a transvestite points it out
in New York.''

''Oh, all right.''

''Well, what would you have done?''

''l would've done cheese and wine,
they go together better.

'''Eat this cheese, it is my body'.''

''But it's Judea, Dad, cheese melts.''

''All right, 'eat this cheese,
it is my central nervous system'.''

''Oh, God.''

''Listen, eat these chicken drumsticks,
they are my legs,

''eat these carrots, they are my arms,

''eat this tomato, it is my head

''and eat these oysters,
they are my kneecaps.''

''lf you do that, Dad, your communion's
gonna have priests with trays going,

'''Who ordered
the body of Christ?'''

But finally, l want to talk about the future.

Where will the future be?
Science fiction writers write it down,

then it becomes films
and it all comes to pass.

Like those doors in Star Trek -
we've got them now!

That's about it.

But that's happened.

They had The Empire Strikes Back,
the fifth of the four Star Wars films.

He is fucking with us numerically.

''Children, count up to ten.''
''Four, five, six, one, two, three, ten.''

''No, it goes four, five, six,
one, two, three...

''No, it goes four, five, six, one...
Two and three have not been made.''

''Not been made? What shall they be?''

''We do not know. All we know is there
will be a floppy character that goes...''

(lmitating Jar Jar)

''..who needs a punch up the bracket.''

That's a punch like that, up the bracket.

This is the bracket.

l don't know, my dad used to say it.

''You need a good punch
up the bracket.''

No, he didn't say that, he said,
''l'll smash you through that wall.''

So, er... Where was...? Yes...

So Star Wars, the Death Star.

lt's almost like a New York name -
the Death Star - it gets to the point.

''What's that star?'' ''The Death Star.''
''What does it do?'' ''lt does death.''

''lt does death, buddy.

''Get outta my way.''

''You with your centilitres
and your millilitres

''and fucking combine harvesters.''

(Man laughing distinctly in audience)

Sporadic laugh, that was.

lt's like l've gone in
and removed some of your entrails.

lsh. You know.

Anyway, so...er...

But the Death Star, the one thing
was that there was no food.

No food at all.

No one said, ''Hey, Darth Vader, Emperor,

''just nipping down to Alpha Beta 9,
want a couple of sarnies?

''Chicken? Ham? Ham, chicken? Egg?
Coke? Diet Coke?

''What do you want,
you weird bleeders?''

But there must have been a Death Star
canteen, a cafeteria downstairs,

in between battles,
where Darth Vader could just chill.

''l will have the penne alla arrabiata.''

''You'll need a tray.''
''Do you know who l am?''

''Do you know who l am?''

''This is not a game of
Who The Fuck Are You?

''For l am Vader.

''Darth Vader.

''Lord Vader.
l can kill you with a single thought.''

''You'll still need a tray.''

''l will not need a tray to kill you.

''l can kill you without a tray,
with the power of the Force,

''which is strong within me,

''even though l could kill you with a tray,
if l so wished.

''For l would hack at your neck
with the thin bit

''until the blood flowed
across the canteen floor.''

''No, the food is hot,
you need a tray to put the food on.''

''Oh, l see. The food is hot?
Sorry, l did not realise.''

(Vader chuckling lamely)

''Tray for the... Yes. l thought you were
challenging me to the fight to the death.''

''Fight to the death?
This is a canteen, l work here.''

''Yes, but l am Vader. Lord Vader.

''Everyone challenges me
to a fight to the death.

''Darth Vader, l'm Darth Vader,
Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader,

''Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam,

''Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham.

''The Death Star, l run the Death Star.''

''What's the Death Star?''
''This is the Death Star!''

''l run this star.''
''This is a star?''

''This is a fucking star, l run it!
l'm your boss!''

''You're Mr Stevens?''

''Who is Mr Stevens?''

''He's Head of Catering.''
''l am not Head of Catering!

''l am Vader, l can kill Catering
with a thought!''

''What?'' ''l can kill you all,
l can kill me, just...

''l'll get a tray, fuck it.

''This one's wet, and this one's wet,

''and this one's wet.

''This one is wet, this one is wet,

''this one is wet, this one is wet,
this one is wet...

''Did you dry these in a rainforest?

''Why, with the power of the Death Star,
do we not have a tray that is dry?

''No, l was here first.''
''You have to queue if you want food.

''Can l have penne alla arrabiata?
That'd be nice.''

''No, no, no - do you know who l am?''

''That's Geoff Vader, that is.''

''l am not Geoff Vader, l am Darth Vader.''

''What, Geoff Vader?
Runs the Death Star?''

''No, l run the Death Star.''

''You Geoff Vader?''
''No, l'm Darth Vader.''

''Are you his brother?
Could you get his autograph?''

''No, l'm... All right, l'm Geoff Vader.''

''Can l have your autograph?''
''No. Fuck off!

''Or l'll kill you with a tray.

''Give me penne alla arrabiata or die,
and you, and everyone in this canteen.

''Death by tray it shall be.''


''Do you want peas with that?''

''Peas? You can't put red with...
lt doesn't work with penne!

''You don't put... Unless you push them
up the tubes but that would be weird.

''Just... Oh, all right, put some peas on.''

- That was cut out of the final film.
- ( Applause)

(Whooping and applause)

Thanks very much.

Thank you.