East Is East (1999) - full transcript

In 1971 Salford fish-and-chip shop owner George Khan expects his family to follow his strict Pakistani Muslim ways. But his children, with an English mother and having been born and brought up in Britain, increasingly see themselves as British and start to reject their father's rules on dress, food, religion, and living in general.

check out the nurses!

That's right, Saj.
Give 'em a scatter.

Annie... Annie,

it's George.
He's back early from mosque.

Bugger. Red alert!

- What's up?
- Your dad's back!


Don't tip it,
you'll drop Holy Mary!

Come on, Spaz!

- Wait!
- Move it!


- Stop.
- Why are you stopping?

Go, go, go!

Hey, Ella, there's Annie.

Hi, Annie!

Fucking wet meself!

Tariq, where's them nurses?

Keep still.

Ah! You're pulling my hair!

Keep your bloody
head still, then.

Sajid, ask your dad
for the nit comb.

- I haven't got nits.
- Well, stop scratching, then.

Maneer, you out of that bath?

I've just got in!

That bath don't half
scratch your arse.

Hey, you, gobshite,
I've told you, keep it shut.

And leave him. Sajid,
go and hurry those boys up.

I look stupid in this.

Do it yourself, then.

You look lovely.

All right, our kid?

All right, Saj?

Looks great, Dad.

Tradition, see, Son?

All our people wearing this.


The watch.

Here. Says your name in Arabic.

See? Nazir.

Son? Today you make
me feel very proud.

You two, pack it in now.

Meenah, veil on. Sajid,
you get me those cigs.

And take that
bleedin' parka off.

Maneer, move it!

Abdul, Tariq, Saleem,
let's look at you.



Your son.

Sellotaping, sellotaping...

- Gorgeous.
- One whole roll.

Sellotaping, sellotaping.

They're 'ere!


Look at that lot.
Pickaninnies' fuckin' picnic.

- All right, Saj?
- All right, Earnest?

See you later.

What you fuckin' grinnin' at?

Nothing, Grandad.

They just look funny,
that's all.

How you doing, my love?

Get your arse over 'ere!

Room for a little 'un?


Bye! Bye!

00h, hey.


You all right, Son?


- I can't do this, Dad.
- Nazir, come, sit down.

No! I can't!

- Nazir, don't do this!
- Sorry, Dad!

- Nazir!
- Nazir!

Why he wants to do this?

And bring a shame on my family.

I no understand.

No understand.

Maybe I should have take family
to Bradford long time ago.

More Pakistani there, see?

No this problem.

It will always be difficult
for you, Zaheed.

They are different.

- She's lovely.
- Shut up.

What the heck's that?

- You caught any fish yet, Spaz?
- Get stuffed!

- She is just gorgeous.
- Shut up.

Three pound, love.

- 'Ere y'are, love.
- Your change.


Annie, Ella. How you gettin'
on with that Islam?

Fine, thanks, Father.

Two dozen roses for the walk.

And three dozen shamrocks.

- Chips?
- Please.

- How many?
- Next?

- Hello, George, how you doin'?
- Very good, thank you for ask.

Good man. Well, God bless.

Allah go with you.

Ha-ha. This man
bloody stupid, I think.

Every day he got bloody flower.

Who's next?

Tell her
to go away, Stella.

No, I fuckin' won't.
I'm her best mate.

Yeah, she's me
best mate, Tariq.

Tell her to stand in the entry.
She's puttin' me off.

demands that... '

Will you put that
bloody radio down?

Shh, news about Pakistan.

'.. After three jets
were shot down... '

And a pickled onion, cock?

'The Islamabad government
also accused India

'of supplying arms
to rebels in East Pakistan. '

These bastard Indians.


No bloody interest
in East Pakistan,

only want Azaad Kashmir.

I bloody worry. Family live on
border, they may be in danger.

- The answer's no.
- What you bloody talking about?

I no bloody ask you.

I can read your mind,
so you can piss off

if you think you're
bringing her here.

Why talk like this, my darling?

If she sets foot here I'm off
and I'll take the bloody kids.

Why big problem? First wife
always treat second like sister.

Get stuffed!

Salt and vinegar?

Give me the ball, Spaz!

- What d'you do that for?
- Shit! The mosque van's here!

You bloody kids hide again?!

Tariq, the mosque van's here.

All right, Gandhi.

Your grandad'll drop a bollock
if he finds you with a Paki.

I don't care. Tariq's the only
bit of happiness I've got.

So my grandad
can go fuck himself.

Come along.

I'll fix them.
Open door, bastard!

- Come on. Get in.
- I was just coming, Dad...

You think I daft?
Where is Sajid?



You bastard!







Eh Laha.


Ho Mohammed Dar.

Rasoo Lallah.

- Night, Abdul.
- Night, Jo.

Your wife's got a lot
to look forward to, pal!

Gunga! Drink now!

- No, Mark, I don't drink.
- It's tradition!

He's gettin' married
tomorrow! Drink, Gunga!

Take no notice,
get off home, mate.

Leave him alone, Mark.

Shut it, fat twat!
You'll get a budgie up the bum!


Let me see, Sajid.


Uh-oh, here we go.

Come on, bastard.

I bloody fix him.

Hey, stop looking! You make
a bloody fool of me, eh?

Jammy little bleeder.

What the hell's he done now?

Done? I tell you what he done.
He make a bloody show of me!

Bloody family always
makes a bloody show of me!

Now, how I looking mullah
in the bloody face,

'cause your son
got bloody tickle-tackle!

What are you goin' on about,
what tickle-tackle?

Mullah sees,
all the bloody children seeing!

Well, he must be seeing things
because they were all done.

She's right, George.

You no believe me?
You bloody looking!

Sajid, come here.

- Get stuffed.
- Hey, hey, language.

I'll stuff you in a minute,
now get 'em off.

Come on, let me have a look.

I've wiped your shitty arse
before now.

00h, he's right, Ella.
It's still there.

You sees?
Is all you bloody fault!

It's nowt to worry about,
you can get him done.

I know who should've got done.

No bloody funny, you sees.

Just get this fixed.
This has to be cutting.

Hey! Come here, bastard!

We draw 'em at college.

It protects the end
of the penis.

That's dead good that, Saleem.

I wouldn't be doing art
if I couldn't draw.

You won't if Dad finds
out, Mr Engineering Student.

- Foreskins are dirty.
- They wouldn't be there, then.

- Why cut it off?
- It lessens feeling.

- It doesn't!
- How would you know?

You haven't used yours.

Yes, I have.

You can't have this thing.

It no belong to you.

Not our religion, see?

No worry about it.
I buy you nice watch.

Oh, why bother with this
at his age, George?

Your son goes bloody hell
with this. But we fixes.

He's not.

It's my house
and I bloody control it.

- Your house?
- Yes.

Whose name's on the rent book?

Maybe your house. My bloody
shop money pay bloody rent.

Oh, yeah?

And what d'you think I do
in there morning till night?

- Counting mushy fuckin' peas?
- I no bloody know.

When I look you with Annie,

talking, smoking,
smoking, talking.

Nobody serve bloody chips!

I tell wife number one come.
Second wife giving me trouble.

Oh, aye, go on, then,
and send me over there.

But I'll tell you one thing,

she'll find it hard serving fish
and chips dressed in bedsheets.

Keep your voices down,
I've a husband on nights.

Frig off! And wash your
bastard curtains, you dirty cow.

Come on, Saj!

Come on, Saj, it's only
a little operation.

It won't hurt.



Feet off the bed
with your shoes on.

- It doesn't matter.
- It does to me.

I'm not having my kids
accused of bad manners.

People are quick to point.
Well, not with mine.

Is everything all right?

Tickle-tackle all gone?

was absolutely fine.

You Indian?

- I'm sorry?
- George!


Bastard Indian.

See, puther?

This is very special watch.
It tell you time in... Arabic.

'Here lies the crucial
importance for you and me,

'and no less for those
among the immigrants

'whose future does lie here,

'of that policy of assisted
repatriation, resettlement... '

We could have a whip-round
and get Dad repatriated.


Fucking gannet, wait your turn!

It stinks
of burnt bacon in here.

Watch what you're doing, Maneer!

- Dad'll smell it!
- Put some curry powder about.

'And with that
abusive obloquy... '

What d'you want, Pongo?

Is Sajid back?

He's havin' his knob cut! He
won't be spazzin' the streets!

D'you want a toffee, Meenah?

Fuck off! D'you think
I want ringworm like you?


Dad's comin'!

- Ahh!
- It's OK, we're home.

Uh, put him down,
I'll get some bedding.

Hide that bloody folder.

Ouch! 00h...



How's little 'un doing?

He's all right.

Just a bit sore.

Where's old bothered-balls?

He happy now?


He bought him a new
dressing gown and a watch.

Not much of a swap
but better than nowt.

Annie, am I a good mother?

No, you're friggin' awful!

Would you put one
of yours through this?

You had no choice, love.

I did. I could've
put me foot down.

And given yourself
a load of grief.

This is religion, Ella,
and it's theirs, you know that.

You knew when you got married.

Just 'cause the man English...

no mean they not good Pakistani.

- I know people think this.
- No, Zaheed.

I hear what they say about me.

Zaheed, until your sons
join the community fully,

they will be a worry for you.

But listen...

I have a friend in Bradford,

his name is Mr Shah.

He has two daughters.

He is eager they be married.

Now, if you think any of your
sons is suitable and ready,

would you be willing
to meet them?

No problem.

They're ready.

You arrange?

In Shalla.

I'm back!


I buy you present from market.

For you, my love!

What the bleedin' hell is that?

Is good, I thinks.
Bloody bargain!

It's an old barber's chair.
The rubbish you bring in here!

It's not stoppin' there.

No bloody rubbish!
Three bloody pounds!

I think it's bloody lovelies!

You want your head testing
spendin' ten bob on that!


Come try for yourself.

Get off, you daft bleeder.


- So comfortable.
- Yeah, very bloody nice!

Yeah, good. Arms.


- Swivel.
- Aah!



Get me off, you're gonna
break me bloody neck!

You see? It's so relaxing.

Take more than this
to make me relax around you.

You always relaxing with me,
'cause you're my lovely.

Tomorrow we go Bradford.

Maybe see film.

Hm? Mmm...

What's all this in aid of?

Want a cup of tea?

I'll have half a cup.

Sajid, comin't'canal?
I'm getting some rats' tails.

I'm goin' to Bradford.

- He's gettin' rats' tails.
- What for?

You get sixpence for 'em.
My grandad said so.

He's havin' you on.
Dad! The van's here!

Come on, you lot!

- Salaam-alacum.
- Waalacum-salaam.

Eh? Heeey!

Why you no salaam me, eh?

Poppah Khalid,
you're hurting me!

- Say salaam.
- Come on.


Good boy.

What were your Abdul
doing kissing that bloke?

Shut it, dickhead.
It's Pakistani, they all do it.

Pigeon Dennis does it as well.
He gave our kid a shilling.

- Did he heck.
- More for a punch in the balls.

George! Come on!

Out of the way,
kids, thank you.

- Salaam.
- Waalacum-salaam.

You look nice.
Piss off, Pongo.


- Salaam-alacum.
- Waalacum, Khalid.

Ella put him in bloody back.
He's smelling.

Go in the back, cock.

They filmed
"The Dambusters" there.

you say that every time.

Well, they bloody did!

And less of your cheek, lady.

Ah... You never know what
bloody happens, you see.

I come here in 1937.

I here maybe one year...

And I make a bloody film.

Were you the star?

Shut it now!

No bloody
star, stupid.

I was shouting
in a bloody crowd.

"I kill bloody English!"

When I come this country
I have no luggage.

Today what I got?

You've got a chip shop, Dad.

Yes, own bloody business, see?

Everybody happy
in this town, see?

I don't care how bleedin'
big their grins are,

we're not movin' here.


There's hundreds of 'em.

- Thanks a lot, mister!
- Sorry.

- That was new.
- I buy you new one.

He should
send in the army

and sort out these Bengalis
once and for all!

Bastard... bastard!

You speak Urdu yet, huh?

I send them learning,
but... nothing.

Hussein, go and take
the boys to shop.


go with Hussein,
see how chicken killed.



- Oh, Salaam-alacum!
- Waalacum-salaam!

- Mr Shah.
- Mr Shah!

- Salaam-alacum!
- Waalacum-salaam!

Zaheed, Mr Shah.

- Salaam-alacum.
- Waalacum-salaam.

The baby.


God, I can't believe
Shareen's married.

When will she come
back from Pakistan?

I dunno, love.

Helen! Make tea!

Put the kettle on.

Hey, oh, cock...

Come on, now. Don't cry.
Shh, eh, shh.

My baby.

My wife is really looking
forward to seeing those.

We've heard so much
about your family.

I mean, six sons.

You've been truly blessed.

Five. One dead.

So, are we agreed?

Abdul will marry Nushaaba
and Tariq will marry Nigget.

Your daughters are my daughters.

We are one family.

Uncle, uncle, uncle, eh?

- Salaam-alacum!
- Waalacum-salaam.

Aunty-ji, you're looking more
beautiful every time I see you.

We all well, yeah?

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?

No problem.

We've come to see
"Chaudvin Kha Chand".

Er, Iyaaz sahib, this film
is not showing today.

- Ahh... Oh, well, never mind.
- Aunty-ji, no problem!

Zaid? Change picture.
Put on "Chaudvin Kha Chand".

Sahib, the film is already
playing for half hour.

Who owns this cinema?

- You!
- So change it!

Whatever my family want,
you get. Go.

What the fuck you doing?

You supposed
to be flipping working!

Change film, quickly!

You cow-worshipping bastards!

OK, sorry. Listen, please!

OK, up, up. Let's go.
Sorry, up, please.

Thank you. OK, come on.

She's a big star.

Psst, Tariq.

Abdul, what you doing?

- I wanna come.
- You can't.

I wanna see it.

Well, hurry up, then.

Off you go. All right.

Hiya, love. Yeah, go on.

Sorry, lads,
members only, yeah?

- What?
- Listen, I said members only.

- This is shite.
- On your way.

- Hiya, all right, in you go.
- Sorted.

- All right, Tony, mate?
- Bazza.

- Yeah, in you go.
- Nice one.

Where do you think
you're goin', Smiler?

This is our kid, um...

Arthur. Me name's Arthur.

All right.

All right, yeah? Hiya.

What's all this "Tony" malarky?

Don't worry about it, relax.

Enjoy yourself, "Arthur".

Bloody Nora!

Tony! You look gorgeous!

- Hiya.
- Evenin', ladies.

- Thanks.
- All right..

What the fuck are you doing
with my boyfriend, slag?

D'you fuckin' want some?

Sorry, I didn't know
he was with you.

Well, you do now.

- Stella, we were just dancing.
- I know, but she's a slag.


Let's go.

Did you see that slag
after my Tariq?

Didn't notice him complaining.


I'm thirsty.

Advocaat and lime,
rum and black,

easy on the latter.

- Brandy and Babycham.
- Can I have another lemonade?

You'll need more than
lemonade with that.

Oi, you, you cheeky twat!

She's up for it, our kid.

Take some
of the weight on your elbows!


You caught the skin on me arms!

- 00f!
- Fuck off.

Oi! I were first.

- Tough.
- Shh!

But he's fillin' it up!

Use the one in Mam's room.

- Quick, bastard!
- Huh?!


I arranging a friend...

and a family come from Bradford.

I hope that boy
not embarrass me.

Oh, aye? Who's that?

His name Mr Shah.

Good family.

Been this country 25 years.

Got double extensions.

He got two daughters, you know?

Same age as Abdul and Tariq.

Oh, for Christ's sake, George.

We're not gonna
go through that again.

You've gotta talk to the boys.

I tell them
when I bastard want!

They have a right to know.

What do you mean, right?

Pakistani father ask son marry,
son follow father instruction.

I knew you
were up to something.

Look what happened with Nazir.

Don't mention
the bastard's name, he dead!

No, he's not,
he's livin' in Eccles.

He might be dead to you
but he's still my son.

Why you no listen? You stupid?

You don't live my way, puck off
and take your bastard kids!

- Where you going?
- To make some tea.

I'll have half a cup.

- Mornin'.
- All right?


Fuckin' mong.
Get stuffed.

Will you two shut up?

Shut it, Gandhi.

Hey, time to get up.

Are you gonna say owt
to the boys or will I have to?

You stupid. You no get involved
with my business, missus.

I'm warning you.

You say nothing till I say.

Abdul, Tariq, Maneer, Saleem,
Meenah, Sajid, get up!

Your breakfast's ready!

Night out, Mum?


You all right?

Your dad's...

You better go, you'll be late.

- Mornin', Mam.
- Hmm.

Mam, I need three bob
for me sculpture.

Oh, do you?

Hey, you, mucky-head.
That's my new hat.


How are you?



All right, Saleem?

All right, Stella?

Nice frock, is it new?

Yeah, knock-off from docks.

Says, um, "Leonardo"
on the label.


Is my Tariq in?

Yeah. Tariq!

Me dad'll be back soon.

Keep your hat on, Gandhi!

Let's send the buggers home!

Enoch's talking next Tuesday
at the Salford Hall!

Sign the petition
on repatriation and -

'Ere, look, there's one now.
Got his bags packed.

Salaam-alacum, Mr Khan!

Shut up, you little bastard!

Come and see Enoch speak
at the Salford Hall!

Oh, love, we're just
like Romeo and Juliet.

I'll never let the colour
of your dad come between us.

It's not fair,
I love curry 'an all.

Yeah, right. Nice one.

Come out tonight,
we can sit by the Dock Mission.

Bring your Saleem for Peggy?

- Why bring fat-arse?
- Shut it, she might hear!

Too late, she already did!

Hang on, he didn't mean it,
did you, Tariq?

Ay up, come on, I'll give you
free chips for a week.

D'you hear that, Peg?
Free chips for a week.

A bottle of Coke as well.

And your Saleem
to give us a snog.

I'll ask, but you might
have to be happy with chips.


You took your bleedin' time.

No start bloody trouble
with me, missus.

I send for wife number one,

"Come quick,
second wife giving me trouble!"

Me dad's back!

Meenah, Genghis!

Why only Maneer
in the bloody shop?

Where is suit I buy
for you to wear at college?

At the cleaners'.

How you get job
dressed like a hippy?

Go change bloody clothes!

Leave pucking fish!

Hey, you?

I thought I telling you
get bloody haircut?

Haven't had time.
I'll do it tomorrow.

Maneer?! Go get me scissors.

No worry. I bloody cutting.

None of my sons looking
like bastard hippy.

I'll get it cut tomorrow.

Tariq! Tariq, help us! Tariq!

Get off her!
You dirty great bastard!

In you get. Come on.

You've been where?

Your brother's been to Paris!

How'd you get there, cock?

'By plane from Ringway. '

He's been on an aeroplane
from Ringway airport!

- Did he get me 'owt?
- A Messerschmitt?

- Don't be stupid.
- 'Who's that?'

- Sajid. Have a word...
- 'He still wearing that parka?'

- Yeah, still.
- 'Oh, God!'

Sajid, talk to Nazir.

Hiya, our kid. Y'all right?

'Yeah. You all right?'

- Yeah.
- 'You behavin' yourself?'

No, and he's got half a knob.

Get off! I'm talkin' to him!

When are you comin' home?

'I'll come home
and see you soon, Saj, yeah?'

- Let me talk!
- Pack it in!

- It's pissin' down!
- Here!

- All right, our kid?
- Ask what the talent's like!

- Tariq wants...
- That's enough!

It's me again.

'Mam, why don't you
come over and see me?'

Yeah, soon as I can.
But you know how it is.

'Yeah. '

You are happy, aren't you?

'Yeah. '

- Look, I better go.
- 'Say hello to Abdul and Tariq'

All right, cock. God bless.

I do miss you, Son.

- Oh, Nazir...
- 'Yeah?'

Oh, bugger.

Come on, Earnest,
pass us the ball.

All right, Meenah?

D'you want to play football?

All right, Pongo.

00h, bloody hell, Meenah!

Earnest?! Earnest! Come back
here, you little bastard!

What you doin', pervert?!

He's tryin'
to look at your knob.

Come here, freak!

You smelly
little bastard!

come here, you pervert!

Where are ya?


I think it's time
that coat went, eh, Meenah?

- No! No, get off! Mam!
- Get the button!

I'll tell you a secret!

- What do you know, Spaz?
- About the engagement!

What engagement?

Tell us!

Dad's got you and Abdul engaged
and you're gonna get married.

Fuckin' hell.

Is this true, Sajid?
If you're lyin', I'll have you.

I'm not.
I heard him tell me mam.

Tariq, don't! Me dad'll kill us!

I don't believe this.

I'm not marryin' a fuckin' Paki!

- I bet you knew!
- No.

- Fuck you, Gandhi.
- No, I swear.

- Who does he think he is?!
- Tariq!

Tariq, stop it!

Give up!

Stop it!

Tariq, leave it.

Let's clear this up.

- Shit!
- Tariq, don't!

Morning, George!

Me dad's coming!

- Shit.
- Come on! Come on!

Come on!


Who done this?

- Huh?
- I dunno, Dad.

I ask you, who doing this?


I ask you bastard question!

You do this? Who do this?

I don't know, Dad.

You know who done this? Huh?

Come with me.

Come with me, bastard!

- Please...
- Shut up!

Hey, hey, what you doing?
What's he done?

Let go, George!

Look at this! Look what your
bloody kids do! Look at this!

- Who did this?!
- I dunno, honest.

- Come on! Who?!
- Leave him alone! George!

Who did it?!
He lucky I no kill him!

If you touch him
I'll swing for you!

- Who do it?
- Maneer, out back!

- Who do it?!
- Leave him alone, you bastard!

I haven't finished
with you, mister!

You same as you bloody kid!

I your husband, you should
agree, like proper Muslim wife.

Oh, yeah, right. I'm a Muslim
wife when it suits you.

But not when
this shop needs opening,

or your relatives want help
at the Home Office.

Don't make me
bloody laugh, George.

No start, 'cause I fix you
like your bloody kids!

- You all pucking trouble!
- Only because you don't listen!

You never have!

You been married to me
25 years and know nothing!

Yeah, right!

25 years I've been married
to you, George.

I have sweated my guts out
in your bastard shop!

And given you
seven kids as well.

And I will tell you
this for nothing,

I am not gonna
watch you crush them

one by one because
of your pig bloody ignorance!

- Oh!
- You bastard bitch!

- You bugger!
- No!

- You call me pig, bitch!
- Oh!

You talk to me like this again,
I'll kill you, bloody bitch!

I burn your bastard family
when you sleep!

'This cloudy planet
is the Earth, our home.

'We know it's crowded
with people and life

'and things going on.

'But what must it be like
on the other lonelier planets?

'Most of them
have no life at all,

'No towns, no fields,
no trees, no rivers,

'only rock. Just rock.

'Some of these stars
and planets

'must be the loneliest places
in the universe.

'Even the Clangers' planet,
when the Clangers are indoors

'in their warm caves, must know
what it's like to be alone.

'Ah, there's Tiny Clanger. '

Mam, I need another two and six.

'That's made them laugh.

'Oh, no, it's raining! Stop,
you'll make them all wet!'

So, when we gonna see
this great work of art?


Make sure you're back by dinner,

we've got visitors
coming over from Bradford.

'The Clangers
are having a party. '

Do we all have to stay in?

Yeah, you do.

If he thinks
I'm stickin' round he's wrong.

As long as you're living
under his bastard roof,

you'll do as you're told.

Do you hear me?

Well, do you?!

You always take his side!

This wouldn't
have happened if we'd known!

You can fuck off if you think
I'm marryin' a Paki!

Hey, it's not me mam's fault.

Ah, just keep it shut.

Do what Dad tells you,
there's a good boy.

Oh, what's the bastard point?

Why can't we just talk to him?

Don't you understand?

He's never gonna give a shit
about what you think.

"I am your father,
you do as I say!"

And this is gonna
solve everything?

Did for our Nazir, didn't it?

Abdul, come with me.

I don't want what you want.

What do you want?

I want me family, and I don't
want anyone hurt any more.

Tariq, don't go!

Maybe he'll be satisfied with
just one of us getting married?

I've had enough.

I can't stay.

- Where you goin'?
- Nowhere.

Wait for me!

Where you goin'?

- Nowhere.
- I'm comin' with you.

Tariq! Tariq, wait!
Don't leave without me!

For fuck's sake.

They won't break us up.

Let's elope!

It'll be so romantic.

We can't. I'm eloping on me own.

You're getting
married to someone else!

No, I'm not.
Well, that's why I'm going

That doesn't mean
I was gonna marry you.

Oh, stop scriking
for fuck's sake, you mard arse.

Saleem, get your change out!

we're in hat paradise.

Can I speak
to Nazir Khan, please.

I think they mean Mr Nigel.

Honestly, flowers
are all the rage this season.

Trust me, darling. The style,
the colour. Looks fabulous.

Oh, fuckin' charmin'.

D'you think you could, uh,
put us up till I get sorted?

What's goin' on?

Tell him.

Nigel, there you are.

Mmh. Who are those
dreadful girls out there?

They are damaging the...
Oh, hello. Who's this?

Uh, these are two of my
brothers, Tariq and Saleem.

This is my sister, Meenah.
Tariq wants to stay for a bit.

You must! Are these yours?

Yeah, but I'm still in two minds
what I should do.

OK, I'll leave you. But you're
welcome to stay any time.

Yeah, right. Nice one. Thanks.

Who's he?

- He's my friend.
- Oh.

Why's he talk funny?

- He's my boss.
- Oh.

So, what's goin' on at home?

Try that one.

Etienne, get the car.
We're going home.

Can we stop for lunch?

Can't wait to see
Dad's face when he sees you!

I'm not sure this is wise.

Bloody hell,
look at all them knobs!

There's Myrna! Hey, Myrna!

It's me, Peggy!

- Keep your fucking trap shut!
- Oh, sorry.

Where is he, Maneer?

Is that them at last?!

- Nazir!
- Mum! What's he done?

You can't stay, Son!

No, we've gotta sort it!

It'll make things worse
if your dad sees you.

They're comin'!

- Please, Son, just go, please!
- What are you doing?

- Your dad'll kill him.
- Don't listen to her.

You said you'd sort this!

I can't, our kid. Me Mum's
right, it'll make it worse.


- You've got my address?
- Yeah, go.

- If he touches you...
- Just go, Son!

I'll call soon, yeah?

And you!



What we gonna do now, Tariq?

I don't care
what you do, Stella.

'This is almost like a victory
roll by these Indian pilots.

'They're so close,
they're flying so low,

'and they're meeting absolutely
no opposition at all.

'So on the 13th day... '

Maneer? Off pucking TV.

'With just 10 minutes
of the Indian ultimatum... '

Oh, thanks, cock.

Why you wear bloody
short skirt, Meenah?

It's her school uniform.
She has to wear it.

She not in bloody school now!

On Sunday, you wear sari Auntie
Riffat send from Pakistan.

Can't I wear me trouser suit?

No bastard hear what I say?!
You pucking deaf?

No bloody look at your mum!

She no bloody help you!

I telling what to do!

- Understand?!
- All right. She heard.

I fed up with you all, puckers!

On Sunday, Mr Shah coming.

If I not see you show respect,
I pucking sort you all out!

I no more playing
bastard games with you!

Whoa, Gunga Din!

Drinking the white man's brew?

What you doin' here, Abdul?

It's me stag night.
I'm gettin' married.

Who to?

I dunno.

Me dad hasn't bothered
introducin' us yet.

Don't bloody starting,

'cause I'm not in bloody mood.

Look, Dad, we're fed up of being
told what to do and where to go.

I warning you, mister,
I not bringing you up like this.

Pakistani son
always shows respect.

Dad, I'm not Pakistani.

I was born here.
I speak English, not Urdu.

Son, you no understand
'cause you... no listen to me.

I trying to show you
a good way to live.

You no English. English people
never accepting you.

In Islam everyone equal, see?

No black man, no white man.

All Muslim - special community.

I'm not saying it's not, Dad.

I just think I've got a right
to choose who I get married to.

You want choose like Nazir?
Lose everything?

You want bloody English girl?
They no good!

They go with other men,
drink alcohol, no look after.

If English women are so bad,
why did you marry me mam?

Bastard! No go too far with me!

Do what I tell you!

Bas! You understand?

You understanding?!

I understand you. I understand.

I'll do what you want.
I'll do what you want.

I will get married
to a Pakistani.


And you know what I'll do then?

I'll marry a fucking
English woman as well.

Just like my dad.

Mam! Mam! The Pakis are 'ere!

Right, here we go.

Come on, everyone,
parlour, quick.

George, they're here!

Right, come on.

Let one in
and the whole tribe turns up.

- Salaam-alacum.
- Earnest!

- Eh? Bugger off, bugger off!
- Earnest!

- Salaam alacum, Mr Shah.
- Waalacum-salaam.

Ella, Mr Shah.



Salaam-alacum, Mrs Shah.

Why's she talking like that?

Would you like to come through?

- Abdul, salaam-alacum.
- Salaam-alacum.

- Salaam-alacum.
- Waalacum-salaam, Tariq, eh?


- Salaam-alacum.
- Waalacum-salaam.

Sajid, come here.

- Please.
- Thank you.

- 00f...
- Is that too low?


So, you found it
all right, Mr Shah?

Oh, yes. No problem.

The thing is all these houses
look the same...

To me.

would you fetch the tea?


How old are you?

Not old enough to get married,
so don't ask me.

I'm sorry about him,
Mr Shah, he's, um...

He's just been circumcised.


Sajid, go see
if Saleem here yet.

Ah, yes. Your college student.

Studying to be an engineer.

Oh, really?

Ah, here's the tea.

Where did you get this sari?

Me Auntie Riffat in Pakistan.

Wear shalwar khameeze, it will
look much better than this.

Her auntie said lots of girls

are wearing saris in Islamabad,

and she's quite well-to-do.

Riffat bloody stupid.

Even in Pakistan, women
are getting too bloody moderns.

Well, I think it looks lovely.

Well, it's just not traditional
dress in Pakistan, Mrs Khan.

Tradition sees, Ella.

Coo! Only me!


I didn't know you had visitors?

Annie, this is my friend,
Mr Shah.


His daughters go be married
Abdul, Tariq.

00h, is it these two?

Oh, they're bleedin' gorgeous!

You're lucky you two,
aren't you?

Landin' a couple
of belters like these.


Oh, Mrs Khan. I'm very proud
your sons are joining my family.

You've brought
them up respectful.

You're right there.
They're a credit to her.

And George.

Oh, yeah, they're good boys.

Bring no trouble.

They'll do anything
for you, Mr Shah.

Good Samaritans they are,
just like in Bible.

Mam! Get off!

Maneer, cock, go and see
what they're up to.

- Shut up!
- The state of them two!

The one with
the teeth's got a moustache!

Tariq's is like Quasimodo!

Oh, kids, eh?


- Were yours like that?
- No.

I believe in firm discipline.

in a non-Pakistani environment.

Well, I think you can be
too harsh, don't you, Annie?

Oh, aye, yeah.

Our Peter knows how far he
can go before I knock him out.

Not just me husband, Mrs Shah!

Well, I'd better be going.

And congratulations, again.

Ta-ra, George.

You'd better get changed,
they're dying to meet you.

That's cheatin'!

That the famous sculpture?

What you gonna do with that?

I'm not gonna do
anything with it. Oi!

What is it?

It's an example of female
exploitation in art.

Mrs Khan, how do you manage

with so many children
and such little space?

I've got three double beds,
and a single for Meenah.

But where will you
put my daughters?

One in the attic and one on top
of the chippie with Abdul.

Don't worry, it's very roomy.

Wouldn't it be more convenient

if your sons
were to live with us?

I thought daughters-in-law lived
with their husband's family?

Wouldn't you be grateful
for the space?

I know I would.

Excuse me, I'll, um... go and see
what's happened to those kids.

You should've been here an hour
ago. Where's me cigs?

Look what's in the box, Mam.


You dirty little bastard.

Mam, it's Art.

I'll Art you,
you dirty little sod.

I'll burn the bleedin' thing!

- No!
- Give it here!

You're pulling
all the hair ouuutttt!

- Ahh!
- Waah!

What is this thing?! Move it!

Take it away from me!

I am so sorry, Mrs Shah.

The hair came off in me hand.

This is an insult
to me and my family.

I will never allow my daughters

to marry into
this family of half-breeds!

At least they're not friggin'
inbred like them monstrosities.

- Ella!
- Who d'you think you are?

Tellin' me my house isn't good
enough for your daughters.

Your daughters aren't good
enough for my sons, or my house.

And if I hear another word,

I'll stick that fanny
over your bastard head.

Your wife's a disgrace.

Ah, go on, piss off.

Go on, sling your bleedin' hook!

Go on, piss off!
Piss off out of my house!

And take
Laurel and Hardy with you!

You bastard bitch.

You bring a shame on our family.

No, you should
be ashamed, George.

'Cause you're not interested
in these kids being happy.

You just wanna prove
what a great man you are.

Because you're ashamed of me
and you're ashamed of our kids,

and you won't even admit it.

- Don't you dare!
- Don't touch her! Bastard!

No, Dad! Get off her!

Leave her alone!
Leave her alone!

- Bitch!
- Get off!

You will not touch her again.

No talk like that.

No, it's over, finished!

Sajid, will you pack it in?!

Are you happy?
Is this what you wanted?

I know what is best for you all.

Maneer, you understand me.


Got the message?

Bastard! All your fault!

Calm down, right?

I only want to help you, Son.

I no want to hurt you.


No, just go, George. Just go.


Don't cry, it wasn't your fault.

Salaam-alacum, Mr Khan.


Should've kicked
his head in, Abdul.

I couldn't hit me dad.

That bastard's not a father.

Pack it in,
you get on me bleedin' nerves.

If it's not you, it's your dad,
if it's not your dad, it's you.

You're nothing
but bleedin' trouble.

And you...

Pablo bleedin' Picasso.

That "bastard" that you are
talking about is my husband.

And whatever you might think
of him he is still your father.

If I hear another foul-mouthed
word, I will have you.

Where's Sajid?

He ran out.

I ripped his hood off.

Well, it's a start.

Sajid, come on out.

Get stuffed.

What have I done?

You shouted
at me for hitting me dad.

I know, I'm sorry.

Come on out, please.


Well? D'you want it or not?


Well, stick it in bin, then, eh?

Want a cup of tea?

I'll have half a cup.

- All right, Stella?
- Piss off.

Stella, hey...

Hiya, Saleem.
What you doin' later?

- Drawing.
- Can I come?

Earnest, look what I got!


- What is it?
- Dunno.

Bastard, you said
you wouldn't show anyone!

- Oi! Mong boy!
- I'll fuckin' have ya!