Early Man (2018) - full transcript

Set at the dawn of time, when prehistoric creatures and woolly mammoths roamed the earth, Early Man tells the story of Dug, along with sidekick Hognob as they unite his tribe against a mighty enemy Lord Nooth and his Bronze Age City to save their home.

Nearly there, Hognob.

Nearly there. Just a bit farther.

Try a little bit harder.

Oh, we can do it.

Just a little bit more, Hognob.

I... I can reach it.

Got it.

Still got it!

Wait, Hognob, enough!

Enough now!

Mammoths! Come on, Hognob.
Let's go wake Bobnar.

Hey, Chief.


What? What? What?

Are you awake, Chief?


Time to go hunting.

Bit early, isn't it, Dug?

But, Chief, we're early man.

Come on, everyone.

Time to get up.

Morning, everyone.

- Morning! Morning, Chief.
- Morning, Chief. Morning, Chief.

Bit nippy this morning.

Oops. Sorry.

Wait, Chief. Chief...


So I've been thinking.

You know we always hunt rabbits?

Oh, yeah. Very tasty they are too.

Yes, but couldn't we try
hunting something...

well, you know, bigger?

What, like a hare?

No, like a buffalo, or a mammoth.

You want us to hunt a five-ton,
bone-crushing mammoth?

Yeah. Why not?

I really believe we could do it, Chief.

Dug, look at our ancestors.

You don't see them
hunting big things, do you?

They hunted little round beasts.

Of some sort.

Yeah, what are those things anyway?

Don't know.

I suppose they couldn't
draw rabbits back then.

Wait. Sorry, no, Chief.


about the mammoth thing...

Look, I'll tell you what,
I'll definitely bear it in mind.

All right?

Come on, Dug.

Right, gather round.

Grab a spear.

Oh! It's pointy!

- Oh, Treebor. Just get over there.
- Aw, Mum!

- Morning, Barry.
- Morning, Dug.

Mr. Rock coming hunting today?

Oh, yeah, wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Morning, Asbo.
Change your underpants today?

Yeah! Changed them
with Thongo, Chief.


- Chief.
- Yes, Gravelle?

When I put my arm up, it hurts.

Well, don't do it then.

Grubup, don't eat that.
That's Eemak.

Exactly. Right.

Heads down, everyone.

Thank you, Dug.

We give thanks for our valley,
our home,

this precious ground
which sustains us

and gives us shelter
from the Badlands.

May we live in peace, balance,
and harmony with our forest

and all the creatures
we share it with.

Right, let's go kill something.

A rabbit!

That's it. That's it.

I've got him.

To you, Eemak.

Nice try, though.

Let's use an element of surprise.

Righto, Chief.

I got him!

No, I haven't!

Great! Champion!

Got you!

I got this, Gravelle.

Well done, Mr. Rock!

Nice job, everyone.

Rabbit surprise tonight!

See, Dug?

We hunt rabbits, everyone's happy.

Although the thing about
rabbits, Chief,

well, they are quite small.

Dug, Dug. Look at us...

You seriously think
we could catch a mammoth?

Nice moves, Mr. Rock.

Us lot?

You've been practicing.

Shush, everyone.

The rabbits are fighting back!

I don't think this is rabbits.



Mr. Rock!



To the Badlands!

What, leave the valley?

Come on. Just run.


Where's Dug?

Have you seen Dug?

- Go on.
- Thank you, Chief.



All right, secure the valley.

Start mining ore.

Or what, Lord Nooth?

Ore, you fool!
Start mining the ore.

The metal that's in the ground.

Oh, the ore! In the ground.


What about the primitives?

Oh, let them rot in The Badlands.

They are the low-achievers of history
with their puny flints...

You've picked
the wrong tribe to mess with.

Oh, I am so scared!
You are waving your stones about!

The Age of Stone is over, Dino.

Long live the Age of Bronze!

Okay, let's get moving.

Of course, Lord Nooth.

I'm late for my massage.

What are you doing?
Get out of the way!

Hey! Hey!

Multi-purpose pen swords!

Very handy for opening bottles too!

Sliced bread.

That's the best thing since...
well, ever!


Don't touch the bronze.

- The what?
- The bronze!

Where have you been,
the Stone Age?


Fifty schnookels!
Fifty schnookels!

Voluntary contribution.
Everyone has to pay!

It has gone up again.

- It's daylight robbery!
- Fifty schnookels!

Voluntary contribution!

Hey! She hasn't voluntarily

Stop her!

- Hey. Hey.
- Stop her!



I tell you,

I wouldn't want to be
facing me out there.

Hey, Hügelgraber,
can't you see in that thing?

The arena's this way.

You girls are gonna
get slaughtered.

Let's go!

All stand for our mighty leader,
Lord Nooth!

Who challenges the champions?

We challenge the champions!

We accept the challenge!

The hour has come.

Let the sacred game commence!

Introducing Real Bronzio

and the captain, Jurgend!

Today's match official,
Referee Dino!

In the name
of Queen Oofeefa,

we give thanks
for the beautiful game.

Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!

Let's play football!

Whilst I count my schnookels.

What are you doing?

Get in the goal!

What's up with Hügelgraber?
Come on!

Pick it up! Pick it up!

To me! To me!

What? Put it down!

Put it down!

Free kick!

Just get in the game!

Just kick it!

What are you doing,

You just scored an own goal!

He's not me!

A caveman?

- A caveman?
- A caveman?

Playing the sacred game?
Bring him here.

How dare you...

How dare you set foot
on our hallowed ground?

You took our ground.

- Our home!
- Oh, that.

Listen, you Stone Age brute.

You have no home.

Your kind are finished on this Earth.

Now take him away and kill him.


No, I mean take him away
at normal speed

and kill him slowly, idiots!

Now get on with the game.

We challenge the champions!

Wait... Wait!

We challenge the champions!

What did you say?

- He said, we challenge...
- I heard what he said!

If we win, we keep our valley.

You leave my tribe in peace.

You think you can beat us
at football?

A match between
the Bronze and the brutes?

What an idea!

Sacrilege, O Premier Leader!

Yes. Quite.

The masses would flock to see
such a vulgar spectacle.


For the valley, you say?

- Dug!
- It's Dug!

He's alive!

What's that crazy fruit
he's got?


What's football?

And how's it going to get
our valley back?

Well, it's this
amazing game, Chief.

And the leader
of the Bronze people,

he says if we play this game
and beat them at it...

Oh, nice tight shorts!


We can have our valley back.

That's what we want.

And if we don't beat them?

Well, then...

he said we'll spend the rest
of our miserable lives

working down a mine.


- What's a mine?
- Dug...

we've never even played
this game.

But that's just it.

We did. Once.

Those cave paintings
back in our valley,

they're pictures of our ancestors
playing football.

- Champion!
- So if they did it...

surely we can do it.

Sorry! Shimmering memories
make me sneeze.

This doesn't change anything, Dug.

It's just too risky.

Oh, come on, Chief!
We can do it, Chief!

I wanna play football!
I wanna play now!


No, we're not... No!

All right then.
Don't worry about us.

Yeah, we'll... we'll be okay.

We'll just die a slow and lingering
death in the Badlands.

Come on, Chief.

Just give us a chance.

Look, all right.

Maybe we'll give this
football idea a try then.

No promises, mind.

The match is to be played
at the full moon.

And then we go back
to the valley!


Right, line up, everybody!
In line!

- All yours, Dug.
- Thanks, Chief.

All right!

Are hogs supposed to
play football?


Probably not, no.
Sorry, Hognob.

This is a football.

One side tries to kick
the ball into this goal.

And the other side tries
to kick the ball in that goal.

Football sounds hard.

What happens if you kick
the ball in the goal?

Well, if you kick the ball
in the goal,

then other men hug
and kiss you.

Right, who wants to try?

I'll give it a go.

- Nice one.
- Mum!

Good, Magma.
All right, okay, good. Right.

So I'm...
I'm gonna try and get the ball,

and you have to stop me, okay?

Come on, come on!

- Nice one, Mum!
- Football's brilliant.

That can't be right.

Surely, you can't hit
other players?

No, you're supposed
to attack the ball.

No, no, no, no, not weapons!

Just use fist?

No! No fighting at all.

Where's the fun in that?

Okay, Thongo!


Good effort. Great.
Okay, next.


Go for it, Asbo.

Excuse me!

Can we have our ball
back, please?

Trust me, Dino.
This football match

between the Stone Age
and the Bronze World,

it's perfect!

- Oh, how I love it!
- Yes, football.



So cold and hard and slippery.

And this game is going
to make me loads of it.

Your Premiership,
what if the queen finds out?

That old crow?

She doesn't know
what goes on out here.


Delivering message!

Your Footballness,
it's a Message Bird.

Well, go on, make it...

Hello? Hello?

How do you use
this Message Bird thing?

It's the queen.

Just speak into its ear, ma'am.

It will mimic everything
it hears.

I don't even know if
I'm holding it the... Testing!


Nooth? Nooth?

Perhaps she's heard
about the game.

Of course she hasn't
heard about the game.

I've heard about the game.

You, arranging a football match
against a bunch of savages?

You idiot!

Imagine if we lost.

- We won't.
- I said, imagine it!


The mighty Bronze Age

brought to its knees
by a bunch of cavemen?

Well, I'm warning you, Nooth.

You'd better not lose.

End of message.

Silly old bat!

How dare she talk to me
like that!

Silly old bat!

How dare she talk to me
like that?

Delivering message!

Guards! Get that bird back!

What does the queen know

The cavemen are oafs.
My players are...



Oh, yes, champions.

They spend their days thinking,
sleeping, eating football.

And I hardly think
the cavemen will be doing that.

Rise and shine!

Training time!

No, not like that.

When I said free kick,
I meant of the ball.

Sorry, Dug.

Hognob, no!

Barry, where are you going?
No, don't wander off!

Football's hard.

Dug, my toe hurts!

Grubup, drop it!
I told you.

It's the only one
we've got.

Come on, everyone!

We should be able to do this.
No, don't... don't sit down.

Grubup no like football.

Make Grubup hungry.

Food. Yum!

Duck! Duck!

No! Duck!

It's a giant man-eating mallard!

Run away!

You haven't eaten your
primordial soup.

Not really hungry.

Dug, it's time to give up
this football lark for their sake.

They're just not capable of it.

Don't you miss the valley, Chief?

The valley's gone now.

And we're better off
here in the Badlands

than slaving down some mine.

I mean, there's the odd
giant duck around,

but at least
we're still together.

We're still a tribe.

But our ancestors played football.
We know they did.

I still believe we can do this.

With what?

You haven't even got a ball
to play with.

It's over.

No. There's still time.

Come on, Hognob.

Okay, Hognob. Hognob?


Let's go get some balls.

What strange magic is this?

Hognob, you stay.

I don't want to attract attention.

What's all that
crashing around out there?

Is that you, Stefano?

Stop messing about
and get in here

with those firm hands of yours.

Come on, Stefano!

It's time for my massage.

And the exciting new signing
picks the ball up in the center circle.

She beats one...

nutmegs another...

lobs it neatly over
the big fullback.

She's going all the way.

She shoots!

She scores!


And the crowd goes wild!


I need this, Stefano.

I'm feeling stressed.

An hardworking governor like me,

stuck out in this miserable

He deserves a few perks.

Simple pleasures, like fine food,

a massage, his own champion
football team.

Well, come on, chop-chop,
I haven't got all day.

Oh, my tendons are like ropes.

You can go the whole hog.

You're that crazy caveman guy.

The angry pan girl.

What are you doing here,

This is the sacred turf.
No one's allowed here.


I need balls.

You came all this way

and broke into the stadium
just to find some balls?

You're pretty brave, caveman.

And stupid.

Actually more stupid
than brave really.


I'm Goona, by the way.


Come on, I can help.

That's good!

I don't know what the queen
is worrying about.

I mean, we all know
what losers cavemen are.

Those Stone Age dolts couldn't
beat their own grandmothers.

Brainless goons!

Gormless halfwits!

Stefano! Not so ham-fisted!

In fact, enough massage.

How about some relaxing
music instead?

I envy you.

- Me?
- The chance to play on that pitch,

the sacred turf,

in front of thousands of fans!

Well, maybe you will one day.

You think they let girls play
for Real Bronzio?

You really are crazy.

Why do you think
I sneak in here?

Who is that?


Stop! Thieves!

This way!

They went that way!

No! That way!

Give me those, quick!

You're really good!


I do a lot of practice.

Oh, I've just had a great idea!

Come on!

Oh, what on Earth's
got into you tonight, Stefano?

- Stefano?
- Yes, sir?


Hognob, meet Goona.
Goona, Hognob.

Hi, Hognob.

Sire, are you all right?

Of course I'm not all right,
you idiot!

I've just been massaged
by a pig!

Wake up, everyone.

I want you all to meet someone.

This is Goona.


And she's gonna help us
win the game.

Why would she do that?

She gets to play
on the sacred turf

in front of thousands
of fans.

Glad to be on board.

So what formation
do you normally play?


Four-four-two or

Who's your sweeper?

Do you man-mark
or play zonally?

We just kick the ball about
and chase it.

You think you can beat Real Bronzio
just by chasing a ball around?

You need to know
what you're up against.

This is Jurgend, the captain.

Best goal-scorer
in the known world.

Knows it too.

Their winger,
Lightning Hammer.

Never strikes twice
in the same place.

Midfield dynamo,
Qwik Wun Tu.

He can kick faster
than you can think.

Gonad the Gaul.

No one gets past his tackle.

Aw, Mum!

Make no mistake.

These are the best players
bronze can buy.

They're like ginormous
great big footballing giants!

Oh, there's no way we can beat
such a great team.

They may be great,

but what they're not is a team.

They're 11 players
who each think they're the star.

That's their weakness.

And that's
how you can beat them.

Goona's right.

They may be better players
than us...

but we have something they don't.


No, Barry, not moss.

We've got each other.

And if we work together,
then maybe we can do this.

Right. We've got
a lot of hard work to do.

And we haven't even got
a full team.

What's going on?

Oh, Chief, this is Goona,

and she's going to help us
win the game.

I thought we're done
with football.

Not now you've turned up.
You're in the team.

I'm not playing.
I'm an old man.

I'm nearly 32.

Okay, that is old.

Go in goal.

Right, well,
that's settled then.

Now, where's your training

Real Bronzio have the very best.

And all we've got is...

the Badlands.

Three, two, one.

This way, everyone!

Wait! What?
What are you doing?

That way, everyone!

This is a bit dangerous.

What are you... What the...

Well, I'll be...

Okay. Pass and move.

It's very important
that you pass and move.

But whatever happens,
keep your formation.

Nice one, Asbo!
That's it!

Everyone working together!

This is all I need.

You found these
in the primitives' valley?

It seems their ancestors
were playing football

centuries before we were.

The queen must not find out
about this, all right?

Delivering message!

Oh, no.

What's this...

I hear about the savages

playing football centuries
before we were?

I didn't know!

And my spies tell me
they're getting better.

Training every day!

You better not screw it up,
Nooth, or else.

I'll tell you who'll be
going down the mine.

You will!

This has gone far enough.

They're Stone Age brutes.

They live in caves.

They eat mud! No.

I need to shut them down.

Mess with their tiny
cavemen minds.

How do we do that?

I don't know.

The answer isn't just going
to walk in the door.

Sire, we've found
something else

down in the new mine
in the valley.

We've made a copy
for your inspection.

That's perfect.


Great save, Chief!

You know, we may just
stand a chance tomorrow.

A small chance...

but a chance.

If our ancestors did it,
so can we.

Hey, hey, not bad for 32?

I never thought I'd say this, Dug,
but we're pretty good.

That's mine.

I've got it.

Soon be home.


What are you doing?

Let me go!

Calm down, caveman.

I just wanted you
to see our new mine.

After all, you'll soon be digging
lots of bronze out of it.

Oh, we're not going down
any mine, mammoth-mouth.

Ah, yes.

Because you're great

just like your ancestors.

You know about them?

Bronze is not all
we found down here.

What... What...

More cave paintings?


Only these ones tell
the whole story.

You see, your ancestors
did not just play football.

They invented the game.

You even taught
other tribes how to play.

But you had one problem.

No matter how hard you tried,

you just always ended up

match after match...

game after game.

In fact,
after many, many moons...

you just gave up altogether.

It was all too painful
for you.

It turns out your tribe
were totally crap at football.

You're losers, caveman.

Always have been.

Always will be.


No, it can't be true.

Do you really believe
you can beat us tomorrow?

Face it, caveman.

You and your tribe,
you just don't have it in you.

But I'm willing to offer
you a deal.

A way out.

Time to turn in.
Big day tomorrow.

- Come on, Treebor!
- Night, Goona!

Can I sleep in me football kit?

- Night, everyone!
- Night, everyone!

Think it over, caveman,

because the mine is waiting

for you and your
primitive friends.

Me arm hurts!

Where are you, Mum?

You idiot!
What have you done?

At the end of the day,
we're just a rabbit-hunting tribe.

I'm sorry, Chief!

I didn't mean for this
to happen.

you've got to believe me!

Oh, Hognob!

My dear old hoggy friend.

What if I'm wrong?

What if Chief was right
all along?

What if we are just
a tribe of rabbit-hunters?

Forgive me, Hognob.

But I've got a deal to make.

I've got to save the tribe.

Get your cuddly caveman here!
Before they go extinct!

One hundred schnookels!

Voluntary contribution.
Everyone has to pay.

One hundred schnookels!

- It has doubled!
- Voluntary contribution!

- Everyone has to pay.
- This is outrageous!

Have you got change
for a dinner plate?

It's all going to plan, Dino.

I love you,
little bronze coin.


I love you. I love you too.
And you too.


What are you doing?

Not that stupid
old bird again.

Tell Chef to boil it up
in a cassoulet.

Stupid old bird?


Your Majesty!

Why, this is an unexpected...


Thought I'd come
to this caveman game myself.

And have a little nose.

A great honor, Your Majesty.

And you have to say, Brian,

Real Bronzio's manager
is on the back foot.

Oh, it's a terrible start
for the lad, Bryan.

I mean, just awful.

I put it down
to pre-match nerves.

You're not wrong there, Brian.

I've brought my royal
commentators with me.



Well, let's start the fun,
shall we?

Bring out the Stone Age

Where are you taking me?

What on Earth
are you playing at?

Oh, Dug.

Who challenge the champions?

You'll leave
my people alone as agreed?

Yes, just say the words.

Not me.

I forfeit the game

and volunteer myself
for the mines.


And our valley...

is yours.

My goodness!

Have the cavemen caved?

So it seems.

How very disappointing.

Everyone, go home!
There is no game.

Apologies for the inconvenience.

Tell the staff, no refunds.

Fowl! Fowl!

Foul? No one's even playing,
you silly slap-head!

No, fowl!

Well, Brian,

it looks like the Stone Age team
have just flown in.

That's right, Bryan.

They're definitely looking
good in the air!

See what I did there?

Oh, goodie.

Seems there is a game after all.

Gonna start without us, Dug?

we can't play this game.

because of a few paintings?

So you know about
those terrible pictures?

They are terrible.

I can draw better than that.

But that's all they are.


It's this lot that counts.

You were right, Dug.

I thought we were just

Well, not anymore.

You've shown me that.

Who's playing with Dug

for the valley?


It's what Mr. Rock
would've wanted.

We challenge the champions!

Your funeral, caveman!

This may be an uneven
contest, Brian,

but let's hope
it's at least entertaining.

Let's get this done.


Let's do it!

Well, this is interesting.

Hey, Hügelgraber!

Wake up!

Very interesting!

I don't believe it, Bryan!

The Stone Age team have
caught their opponents napping.

Beginners' luck, Your Majesty.

Bad move, caveman.

Now you've just made us mad.

And normal service
is restored!

Jurgend! Jurgend!

Let's see the replay, Bryan.

Ooh, ja, kick!

Yay! Goal!

You can't argue
with the puppets, Bryan.

Hug, hug, hug!

Aye, the puppets don't
lie, Brian.

And that's a goal.

That's two.

Real Bronzio

- are in no mood to compromise.
- Goal!

Never mind.
Come on, everyone!

And surely, that's settled it.

Well, it's halftime,
Bryan, and Real Bronzio

are dominating this match.

The only place we're going
is back to the valley.

Now come on, everyone!

Let's show 'em what we've got!

Remember your training, Eemak!

Nice one, Eemak!
That's it!

Goodness me, it looks
like a caveman counterattack.

Come on then.
Let's see your tackle.

Great work, Magma!

Hey, hey!

What was that?

Unorthodox, Bryan,

but effective.

This is unprecedented!

I can't remember any side

scoring two goals
against Real Bronzio.

Oh, you fool.
What were you playing at?

You silly, stupid...

Idiot! Do I have to do
everything around here?

Caveman coming through!

Nibbles, Your Majesty?

Stuff your nibbles!

Well, Real Bronzio,

they just don't know what's hit
them, they really don't.

The Stone Age team is really
coming together, Bryan.

You're not wrong, Brian.
It's like Early Man, united.

That's another joke there, Brian.

Oh, look at this!

The Stone Age striker
beats one,

nutmegs another...

All yours, Goona!

She's going all the way.

She shoots.

She scores!

The crowd are going wild!

- And who can blame them?
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Wait a minute!

She shouldn't even be
on the pitch.

And why not?

Because she's a...

a great player!

You lot!

Get your act together!

Unless you want to be suspended
for the rest of the season.

Play on!

Dino! Dino!

- Have you got your rule book handy?
- Of course.

Because I'm throwing it at you.

Come on, everyone.

One last goal
will take us home.

Dino is having a lie-down.

I am the new ref.

Well, that's not fair!

Oh, isn't it?

Let's ask the new ref.

Ref, is it fair?

Oh, yes, it's totally fair.

Okay. Play on!

It's injury time.

Oh, that's not cricket, Bryan.

Whatever cricket is.

Nothing to see there.
Play on.

- No!
- I didn't see anything.

No foul! Play on!

No, no. Get up.
Play on.

Oh, that's way below
the belt.


Oh, caveman down, Brian!

Oh, my leg! Oh, my leg!

Hurts so bad!


Jurgend should get
a prize for acting.

Chief? Chief?

I soon have it fixed.

Oh, great.

There. Good job.

Come on,
that was never a penalty!

Fine. Check the replay.

Oh, kick! Referee!

Oh, my leg! My leg!

Oh, no, the crocodile!

Snack, snack, snack.

Oh, terrible foul!

Beating him with sausages!

Shame on you.
Definite penalty.

A draw is just not good enough
for the primitive part-timers, Bryan.

And now this.

A Real Bronzio penalty

in the dying moments
of the match.

Aye, and the goalie
looks in a bad way too.



I spent my whole life
hunting rabbits.

I held you back.

I'm sorry.

I'm so...




I don't mean to worry you, but
what are we going to do for a goalie?



My word. Is that a pig
they just put in goal?

Have to say
that's rather rash.

Do you get it? Bacon.

I've never missed a penalty.

Not against a pig anyway.

And it looks like
it's all over

for this plucky band
of knuckle-grazers, Bryan.

A great effort,

but, in the end,
it wasn't quite enough.

Say goodbye
to your valley, caveman.

Come on, Hognob.

You can do it.

He's got a trotter to it!

It's still in play, Brian.

Dug. Dug!

You were always
a mammoth-hunter!

Dug! Over here!

Go hunt mammoth!

Everyone! Give me a hand!

My ball!

Don't crowd me!

That is an amazing goal!

Look at that.

The giant duck is on the pitch.

He thinks it's all over.

It is now!

Is this as good as
you imagined?


It's better!


Well done,
my old hoggy friend!

You cheat!

You are a disgrace
to football!

Good game.


Well played, caveman.


You've reminded us how
the beautiful game should be played.

As for Lord Nooth...

Nooth? Nooth!
Where is that...

- Rat!
- Yes, quite!


Apprehend that rodent!

So long, suckers!

My word, Bryan.

That schnookel-grabbing scoundrel
is making off with the profits!

After you.

Aye, but will he get away?

- Oh, superb shot!
- And a rebound!

Oh, that got him!

Aye, Nooth is on
the back foot now, Brian.

Quite literally.

Look at that.

- Caught by the old bill.
- Oh, Bryan,

that's comedy bronze.
Well done, my friend.

No! My lovely schnookels!

Oh, refund.

That should remind him
of the pecking order?


Oh, and, caveman,

I think this is yours.

Symbol of a game sent
from heaven.

Thank you, Your...

Bronze Chiefness.

And now, I believe it's time
you went home...

to your valley.

We're going home.

Oh, hey!