Du Sie Er & Wir (2021) - full transcript

After a four-week partner swap, two couples meet again in a remote beach house and discover that everything has changed. Suddenly, their feelings are put to the test, their life choices and expectations are reevaluated.

[gentle orchestral music playing]


[seagulls squawking]

[man] What's the number one
most important thing in life?

That's right.


And how do you think we get that cash,
you little fuckers?

We take it directly from them.

[chuckles] Yeah, but you can't
tell anyone. Think about it.

Yeah, yep.

[markers drawing]

-What's that there?


You want to show me?

-For you.
-For me?

-And who's that?
-[girl] You.

-That's me?

You are remarkably untalented.

Mom, I don't hear
a biological clock ticking.

[on phone] Sweetie pie,
you need to stop comparing yourself.

-You're well provided for, aren't you?
-How am I provided for?

Well, with the perfect man by your side.
He's intelligent, extremely sexy…

-He'll be able to give you a child,

or actually, why not two?

Maybe I don't want a kid right now.

Mama, there's more to life than that.

[phone camera shutter clicks]




[people laughing]

[woman] Oh, look at this one.

[both speaking indistinctly]

This is the new one, right?


Here's a gift.

-She's right there.
-I'll bring it over.

That's for me.

Oh my God, you're really fast.


[in French] Larissa,
why are you running around?

[in English] So, how do you like it?

This is quite nice, although…

too loud because of the airport.

Yeah. We have an attic apartment,
old building.

And of course there's no garden,
but there is a terrace, and a pool.

[in French]
He has an apartment of a similar size,

no garden sadly, on the top floor.

But there's a pool.

Mm. [chuckles]

-[in English] Very good.
-[young man] Yeah.

Um, I'm not sure about the old building.
I tend to prefer, um…


Modern. [chuckles softly]

Do you daydream about me all the time,
or why are you smiling like that?

No, I was wondering just how far
you were gonna crawl up Ann-Kathrin's ass.


Why aren't you coming with us
to the awards show tonight?

I won't be here.
Going out of town with some friends.


You know what that is? Friends?


That works out quite well. This way
you can proofread these over the weekend.

An-Ki said someone who isn't coming
to the show should do that.

No, I'll be heading out in a second.

But I said over the weekend.

Thank you.

Oh, Janina.

-[Janina] Anton.

Thanks! You can like it.

[clicks tongue]

[Ben] Let them jerk off to the idea
of a luxurious villa on the Côte d'Azur.

And, in fact, there will be
a house on the Côte d'Azur, after all.

Although it's just for us.

So that's why you're gonna take
that fucking phone in your hand and leak.



Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!


[whispering indistinctly]

Mom, I never said that I hated children.

I'm with 30 children
every single day at work.

-Yeah, 'cause I'm not ready yet.

And Rachel, she…

What are you doing?


-[mom continues indistinctly]
-Yeah, all right.

-I recently…

I'll just skip it. It's a shitty role.

And she already has two children
in addition to…




-Maria, can you hear me? Hello!
-The… connection… is…

[mimics phone static]

-Oh God.
-[Ben laughing]

But why didn't Nils
give you the whole suit?

Oh, it's 'cause his pants didn't fit.

Okay. We can't leave a mess,
and we have to go right away.

Yeah, Mama.

Can't we just send them a text?

-Like any normal person?

These are our friends.

Where are your suitcases?

At home.

I said I was going to pick you up
from work.

Yeah, you're doing it now.

Yeah. So we can leave right away.

You should've said something.



[car beeps]

Thank you.

["Welcome to the Start"
by Whipallas playing]

♪ Borders can be made ♪

♪ Trees may lose their color ♪

♪ Prayers for the rain ♪

♪ Armies can invade ♪

♪ Hands may use the power ♪

♪ Bombs that separate ♪

♪ It seems that we had gone too far ♪

♪ Whatever you are ♪

♪ As long as you stay ♪

♪ Welcome to the start ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ As long as you make ♪

♪ Welcome to the start, yeah ♪

♪ Even now that's just the two of us ♪

♪ And we are ready to prove ♪

It's weird how
Nils invites us to his house

and he can't even manage
to be here on time.

This house belongs to his father.

Well, I wish I had a father like that too.

No, you wouldn't want that.

-[Ben sighs]

I'll show you the sea.

["Premium" by Pudeldame playing]

♪ Masterclass, Mastercard ♪

♪ Special deal, special treatment
Special interest, special guest ♪

♪ Super fine, super shiny ♪

[song continues in German]

Nils, can you please slow down?
I feel sick. I might throw up in here.

You know that I'd have to kill you, right?

You know that blood stains
are harder to get out than vomit.

[Nils chuckles]

[Ben] Are you nervous?

[Maria] Do you feel kind of guilty?

Do you feel kind of guilty? [laughing]

What's up with you?

["Premium" continues in German]

["Premium" ends]

Do they have a key to the house?

No, why would they?

Well, I don't know, but my car is here.

Then they need a key for the car,
not for the house.

I just wanted to know if they were
already inside the house or not.

How could they? They've got no key.

[birds cawing]

[cell phone keys clacking]

-[Maria and Ben speaking indistinctly]
-[intriguing music playing]

-[Maria chuckles] Wait a sec.
-[Ben] What?

[Maria] You got something there.

-[Ben] Lick it off.
-[Ben and Maria laugh]

They're here!

-Hey, you were at the beach?
-[Maria] Mm-hmm.


-[Nils] Hi, honey.


-[Nils] Hello.

-You let your beard grow out.
-[Ben] Mm-hmm.

-I'll go get the luggage, okay?
-[Janina] Hey!

-Ah, hello! I'm sorry.

-Want help?
-Oh no, that's okay.

Yeah, I'll help you.

[birds cawing]

Okay, guys. I'm proposing that

we go around, and everyone gives
their personal take on the past few weeks.

And we'll listen to each other
without commenting.

No judging, no shaming.

Then we can find out what our experiences
were and what we got out of it. Deal?

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Don't touch that.

These are my father's relics.

-But these are all for you.
-[Nils] Yeah.

I'm one of my father's relics.

-Okay, first can we unpack, maybe?
-Good idea. Let's do it.

[Ben and Nils chuckle awkwardly]

Oh, this'll be fun.

-Have you talked to him yet?
-Well, when?

Okay, well, let's go unpack now.

Hey, hey, hey!

Can't we just send a text after all?

-I think I gotta go talk to her.
-No, not now.

[Maria sighs]

[gasps loudly]

God. [laughing]

I was gonna go smoke.

Uh, but did you want to talk
about something?

Um… [inhales sharply]


Nothing? No?

Okay. I got your winter coat
from the cleaner. It's in there.

[humorous music playing softly]

-Thank you.
-[Nils] Mm.


Can we talk?

Yeah. About what?

About the past four weeks.

Absolutely. I haven't had a full night's
sleep in the last four weeks.

Do you know how Nils sleeps? Watch.

[chuckles] Like this. He lies there,
and he makes sounds like this.

[snoring loudly]

[Ben chuckles]


So you guys shared a bed?


But I'm really looking forward
to spending time with you

and lying on the couch together
and cuddling.

I really missed you.

Yeah, me too.

Um, Nine…

Tell me, do we have any white wine here?

Uh… [exhales]

No idea. I don't know.

Hm. Okay.

I'll check on that, okay?

[door opens]

-[door closes]


How's it going in kindergarten?

Oh, it's okay.
Another colleague is pregnant.

-And you? How's asshole Anton?
-He'll probably win a shitty award today,

so I can forget about
getting picked for editorial management.

What? You can't just let them
walk all over you.

-You always get tons of clicks.

Yeah. Hey, do we have any white wine here?

Um, yeah.

[bag rustling]

-[Janina] Ah, that's great.
-You want some?

Yeah, for photos.
I want to get more followers than him.

[laughing] It won't be that difficult.

I once stalked his profile.
What kind of cat is it?

-Why doesn't it have any fur?
-Yeah, that cat. I don't know.

It's an Egyptian hairless cat,
because of his allergies, blah.

He'll give you a whole speech about it
if you ask him.

[laughing] No, thank you.

-[Janina sighs]

Actually, can we talk?

Sure, we can always talk.
So is this vegan?


The wine.

Um, so it's Sylvaner, 12 percent.

No, I don't think
there's chicken in there. [laughs]

Uh, chicken?

No, it's probably not vegan.
I-I'm so sorry.


Is everything good with you?

We'll talk later.


[Nils] No, no problem.
What do you have in mind?

-Can you step out of the photo?

New building. I have a portfolio, yes.

But it's a little over your budget,
Mrs. Bolshakov.

Yeah, 1.75.

-[phone camera shutter clicks]

Excellent. No, super.
I'll send that over right away.

[vegetable peeler swishing]

All right, we'll talk soon,
Mrs. Bolshakov. Bye.

[sighs] Are you done?

[Ben] Hm?

Thank you.

[peeling continues]


What are you doing?


[Nils and Maria chuckle]

[Nils] Mm.

May I?

-Is Janina still outside?

She's taking photos.

Well, that'll take a while.

-Did we really buy champagne?
-Seems like it's been in there forever.

[knives chopping and dicing]

And? When do you want to tell her?


Have you told him already?

[Nils] No, she doesn't need to, Ben.

But I think it's really shitty
that you chose to come anyway.

-Ben and I--
-"Ben and you" what?

-[Maria and Ben] We have…
-So, you…

-We have--
-You've embarked on a partner swap

with the one rule of not having sex
with each other.

Which, in itself,
is a fabulously stupid idea.

And you've probably been banging
like bunny rabbits.

[clapping hands rapidly]

[humorous music playing softly]

And you came here why?
Just to break up with us?

-Nils, let's--
-Just shut up, Ben.

Here, a Band-Aid.

I'm really looking forward to tonight,
when Janina finds out.

♪ Could it be different? ♪

♪ Did I ruin the day? ♪

♪ Oh, do you look angry? ♪

♪ Oh, what did I say? ♪

♪ Filling in the gaps
Build a problem that ♪

♪ Neither of us needs
Something wrong with me ♪

[mother, distantly] Here, go this way!

-[phone camera shutter clicking]
-♪ I'm getting desperate, losing my mind ♪

♪ Oh, how do we get here every time… ♪

Hey. I just got through the first draft
of your article.

Reads pretty smoothly,
but it's still lacking a little pep.

I'm curious to see
what you deliver after the weekend.

And if it's good,
then we can talk about your promotion.

I'm going to the journalist awards event
with Anton. Fingers crossed. Ciao ciao.

♪ I know, it's a me-thing ♪

♪ Eyes closed, isn't helping ♪

♪ When you go quiet, I hate myself ♪

[family laughing]

♪ When you go quiet, I hate myself ♪

♪ Look at you sideways ♪

♪ Playing a game ♪

♪ Oh what if I laugh now? ♪

-♪ I think I'm insane ♪
-[door closes]

♪ Filling in the gaps
Build a problem that ♪

♪ Neither of us need
Something wrong with me ♪

♪ Pushing a boundary ♪

♪ Something to prove ♪

♪ Strong expectation ♪

♪ You already lose ♪

♪ Oh one will fold their arms
One will do the dance ♪

♪ Really is no need
Something wrong with me ♪

♪ No, I don't think I can help it ♪

-[song ends]
-[night chirping]

[Janina sighs] That thing
must have Bluetooth, right?

And what's it called? Oh yeah. No, got it.

[speaker beeps]

["Close To You" by Dayglow playing]

♪ I saw you lookin' for the side door ♪

♪ You didn't wanna stick around for ♪

♪ The rest of the night ♪

♪ I guess that's all right ♪

♪ They all left when you walked home ♪

♪ It makes sense that they all know ♪

♪ It was only for you ♪

♪ If only you knew ♪

♪ What good is love ♪

♪ Without any strings? ♪

♪ Held it above ♪

♪ Stuck in between ♪

♪ Tell me for once ♪

-[speaker beeps]
-[song stops]

-[cork pops]
-[Ben grunts]

How about an experiment?

No. No, not again.

Well, why not?

What could go wrong?

I read that couples
only have to look into each other's eyes

for four minutes
to build real intimacy between them.

-You read that, yeah?
-[Janina] I read that article too.

-Where's that?
-[Janina] Magazine.

In Cosmo Girl, was it?

No, in Women's Health. With the recipes.

You won't eat anything
that casts a shadow?

-[Janina] Mm-hmm.
-[Ben] Mm.

And then what happened?

With that thing you said with the couples.

They realized pretty quickly
how they felt about each other.

Sounds pretty intense, at least according
to their statements afterward.

-And you want to try that?
-[Nils] Mm.

You want to look me in the eyes
for four minutes without saying a word?

No, he can't.

I don't really see any point
in doing that, Nils.

Yeah, I understand. That might threaten
your newfound happiness, right, Ben?

What'd he mean "new happiness"?

[humorous music playing softly]

Uh, can you guys tell me
what you're talking about?

[Nils] Good question. Could Janina be
missing some important info, you guys?

-[Maria] Can you stop trying to provoke?
-Yes, sure, if you can stop with your act.

[Janina] What act?

Well, we're just two supporting actors
in their little play.


What? How much longer
are you gonna keep this up, huh?

[Ben sighs]

[Janina sighs]

[Janina softly] Oh wow.

I'm such a fucking dumbass.

You had sex.

-[Maria] Yes.
-Nine, you know none of this--

No, no, of course that wasn't planned.

That's why you were so eager
when we proposed this four weeks ago.

Now you think
you've found your great love or what?

Hey, hold on, now.
Nobody said anything about a great love.

What do you mean by that?

Have you fallen in love?


Have you fallen in love?

Nine, I--

-[Ben shouts]

-Are you fucking crazy?
-Am I?

-It's burning like hell.
-Are you? We had rules!

We wanted to talk peacefully.

-[Janina] Important rules. You fucked?
-[phone vibrating]

Did you know about this?

Well, if I did, can I choose
what you throw in my face?

Mrs. Bolshakov. Yeah.
No, no bother at all.


No, it's not a problem. It's all there,
and I can send it over right now.

-Thank you.

[chuckling] Yeah, no problem.
You'll be receiving my email in a moment.


No, that's what I'm here for.
You have a lovely weekend. Yes.

-You have--
-[Nils] One moment, hang on.

-[phone keys clack]

[phone chimes]


You've betrayed me.

We didn't do this to hurt you.

[Janina] And you don't feel guilty
about it at all?

We've known each other since we were
little, but you don't seem to give a shit!

-No, I…
-[Janina scoffs]

[scoffs] I'm going to the bathroom.

So you two aren't best friends anymore?

So, are you going after her, or am I?

[Ben sighs]

[Ben] I'll go.

I think you actually make
a really cute couple.

-Shut the fuck up for one goddamn second.
-Just saying.

So sensitive, so… so soft.

He's such an understanding person.

A real down-to-earth guy.

Such a real one.

[Maria] Oh God.

Such a good-natured one.

He's a really… really good friend.

Shit, I can't do this now.

-[knocking on door]
-[Ben] Nine? Are you okay?

-Uh, yeah.
-[Ben] I'm coming in, okay?


[melodramatic violin music playing]

Nine, I…

I'm sorry this happened.
I didn't want you to find out this way.

It's not what we planned.

Nils just-- he, like, beat us to it.

Are you okay?

Uh, is that thing in your hand
a pregnancy test?

I, um, found it in--
I found it in the trash can.

Oh fuck.

Why is there a pregnancy test
in the bathroom?

-[Ben] Is this yours?


Why did you take a pregnancy test?

-Who do you assume that it's mine?
-It's not mine.

-It's not Maria's.
-Maybe it was Nils'.


Yeah. A positive pregnancy test
can indicate testicular cancer in men.

[Ben] Oh, give me a break.

You two also slept together, didn't you?

-Why would you think that we--
-Did you sleep together is what I asked.

Did you?

Well, you can't call that
"sleeping" together.

-[Nils grunts] Fuck!
-[Ben] You're not serious, are you?

You made a whole fucking scene
and you're not even following the rules?

[Nils] Stupid rules.

Yeah, those bullshit rules. Ugh.

-And the test is positive, yeah?
-[Ben] Mm.

No idea.
I don't know how to read these things.

That's none of your goddamn business!

Wait a minute. If you're pregnant,

then it's obviously at least
one other person's business.

[Ben] No, it actually concerns all of us.

How so? You'd rather be with Maria anyway,
am I wrong?

-[Ben] Fucking test.
-Did I misunderstand something?

Just show me the fucking result.



[Nils] Oh.

When were you going to tell us?

I just wanted to wait a bit.

Why's that? Is there anyone else
who could be the father?

Are you crazy?
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

That I sleep with everyone?

Well, I mean…

You play the victim
and then let Nils just knock you up?

-What is wrong with you?
-[Nils] Why? You wanna break up anyway.

Why do you even care now?

Well, wait a minute.
He could also be the father.

[Ben] I was with her for, like, two years.
Obviously I care.

…this shit on me, are you kidding me?

All I'm trying to say is…

Why don't you step the fuck off
and let me deal with it?


You're not helping anything by being here.


[Maria breathing shakily]

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

[melodramatic violin music playing]

Yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

-Fuck you.
-Fuck you.

[Ben scoffs]

Do you want a sip?

[laughs] No, that's-- that's done for now.

[door opens]

[Ben sighs]


[Janina] What?


Why what?

["Empty Note" by Ghostly Kisses
playing on speaker]

♪ How could I ever forget? ♪

♪ Those eyes looking for my weal ♪

♪ How could I ever know… ♪

[freezer door closes loudly]

[liquid pouring]

["Empty Note" fades to silence]

[emotional piano music plays softly]

Did you mean to kill me earlier?


Maybe I wanted to kill you.

I don't get it.


You were done with me anyway.

I never said that I was done with you.

But I thought that was your plan.

So what was our plan?

Guys, I don't have a plan.



Well, you're a papa.

[Maria] Guys, can't you do the math?

You could both be the father.

-[Janina] We need to talk.
-[Nils] Yeah.

So, I, uh… [clears throat] …think that
Jonas is a good name for a boy.

You don't give a shit about anything, huh?

What, 'cause I'm not freaking out
about possibly being the father?

If I had known
that it would end up like this,

I would never have proposed
the shitty experiment.

Uh, well, sticking to the rules
might have been enough.

-Oh man, you're one to talk.
-[Maria] Okay, stop.

We all fucked up.

You’re having a child.

We were just
indulging in some stupid illusion.

What do you mean "illusion"?

Well, the illusion that monogamy works.

And why shouldn't monogamy work?

There are some animals species
that are just as monogamous as humans.

-What person's truly monogamous?
-[Ben] Yeah.

Have a look around.

Name me three mammals
that are monogamous, Nine.



Penguins even live in
long-distance relationships.

[scoffs] Bullshit.

[Janina] Yes. Some species of birds
and, I don't know, probably dolphins.

Dolphins are gang rapists.

Mammals usually tend
to be instinct-driven,

-and humans are mammals.
-But we have feelings.

[Nils splutters]

Hold on. As a vegan, you're trying
to tell me animals don't have feelings?

No. But we have feelings,
and we can actually reflect them.

[Maria] Can we, though?

Well, maybe we're not
perfectly monogamous penguins,

but we are nonetheless animals
with a powerful sex drive.

Or in your case, as we found out,
reproductive urge.

Then why did you even make up these
stupid rules when it's all about sex?

[Maria] The swap wasn't about sex.

Swapping partners
is always about sex, Maria.

In the editorial office, they said that
some couples reunited after trying a swap.

Yeah, during the first two weeks of it,

you might enjoy your new freedom.

But then you come to realize
what you really want

and what you truly value
in a relationship.

How many members of your editorial team
took part in it?

Nils, I wasn't happy.

Then why didn't you just talk to me?

It's not enough if just one person speaks.

Look, other couples get together,
they stay together, they have children.

It's all wonderful.

But they don't have sex anymore.

We do.

That was probably the only thing

where the two of us
were on the exact same page.

[inhales deeply]

But we wanted to find out
what was missing in our relationship.

Why it wasn't great.

And did you find out?

[Maria] What?

What was missing.


Ben opens up.

-He talks about his feelings.
-[Nils laughs]

Yeah, he also talks about his fears.

-That right?

Yeah, that's just great.
I've gotta give you credit for that.

I think that's really superb.

Why didn't you just tell me
you were missing that?

-[Maria] 'Cause I wasn't aware of it.
-Oh, okay!

And now that's my problem?

It's my fault? Because--

-Okay, were you happy?
-Yeah, of course I was happy.

One thousand days, I was happy.

-I could even tell you the happiest day.
-Oh, the day.

So you were only really happy
that one day.

I didn't say that.
There are days we're happier--

What's so wrong with wanting
to be happy with someone every day?

-Or cynicism.

No, it's not cynicism.

You don't have to be happy every day
to have a happy relationship.

Anyone else want a drink?

[bottle cap opens, liquid pours]

Well, as of right now,

I don't really remember
the last time that I was genuinely happy.

Well, that's also normal.

Yeah, all the bad memories usually
stand out more vividly than the good ones.

That's why you tend
to hate your exes so much.

So now you hate me?

Nine, that's not what I just said.

So then we're still together.

If we'd actually been that happy,

you wouldn't have suggested this swap
in the first place.

Ben, I wasn't the one
who suggested this swap.

I told Maria about it,
and she was the one who wanted to do it.

[Maria] You snitch.

That's how it was.

And what's that gonna change?

Well, then I would like
to do the experiment.

Uh, what experiment?

-The one we were talking about earlier.

-[Nils] Yeah?
-With the eye contact.

Oh, you want to look at us in the eye
for four minutes now?

No, I want to look at Ben
for four minutes.

[snickering quietly]

We need a watch.


[Nils] Good.

Well then.

Let's all shut up and look each other
in the eye for four minutes straight

-until the timer rings. All right?
-[Maria] Mm-hmm.

[Nils] Okay.

Four minutes.

Let's go.

[phone buzzes]

[Nils clears throat]

["You're Somebody Else"
by Flora Cash playing]

♪ I saw the part of you ♪

♪ That only when you're older
You will see too ♪

♪ You will see too ♪

♪ I held the better cards ♪

♪ But every stroke of luck
Has got a bleed through ♪

♪ It's got a bleed through ♪

♪ You held the balance of the time ♪

♪ That only blindly I could read you ♪

♪ But I could read you ♪

♪ It's like you told me ♪

♪ Go forward slowly ♪

♪ It's not a race to the end ♪

♪ Well, you look like yourself ♪

♪ But you're somebody else ♪

♪ Only it ain't on the surface ♪

♪ Well, you talk like yourself ♪

♪ No, I hear someone else though ♪

♪ Now you're making me nervous ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ You were the better part ♪

♪ Of every bit of beating heart
That I had ♪

♪ Whatever I had ♪

♪ I finally sat alone ♪

♪ Pitch black flesh and bone ♪

♪ Couldn't believe that you were gone ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Well, you look like yourself ♪

♪ But you're somebody else ♪

♪ Only it ain't on the surface ♪

♪ Well, you talk like yourself ♪

♪ No, I hear someone else though ♪

♪ Now you're making me nervous… ♪

-Oh, oh!
-Oh, fuck me!

[Ben] Fuck!

[Ben] Fuck me!

Bucket, bucket!

-Get a bucket!
-Oh shit!

-Hang on, I gotta take a picture.
-Get a bucket!

No, I have to take photos.
She needs followers.

After this, she'll have more
than the Kardashians.

-[Ben] Oh fuck.
-Ben! The bucket, come on!

-[phone camera shutter clicking]
-Ben! In the kitchen.

A little…

A little duck face, real quick.

-[Ben groaning]
-[Nils laughing]

[laughing] This is karma, people.
This is karma.

Are you crazy?

Go get a bucket now.

[Nils] Okay.

And a rag and paper towel.

[Nils] It's in the kitchen, Maria.

♪ …somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface ♪

Oh shit.

♪ Well, you talk like yourself ♪

♪ No, I hear someone else though ♪

♪ Now you're making me nervous ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Well, you look like yourself… ♪

[phone timer beeping]

Man, did you enjoy that as much as me?

-What are you doing?
-[Maria] I want to go home.

[Nils] Okay.

Hold on. Who should drive you? Me or Ben?

With… with Janina's car or what?

You really enjoy this, don't you?

A little, yeah.

Man, it's too complicated!

Maria, this isn't a Facebook status.

-Just let me through.

-Just let me though!

-Nils, just let me--

[Maria breathing shakily]

Oh, are you serious?

[Maria grunting] Shit!


No, no, no, Maria!

-[Maria screams]
-[glass shattering]

[Nils] Are you out of your mind?

Hey! Don't. Careful.

-Everything's fall-- Careful!
-[Maria yelps]

-Let me go! Let go!
-[Nils] Stop it!

-Are you-- Hey!
-[Maria screams]

[Maria panting]

Did you want to kill yourself, or what?

Nine, we're on the first floor.

[Nils] Really, it didn't have to…

[glass clanking]

-[glass clattering]
-[Nils] Shit.

[Ben exhales]

-[Ben winces]

Do you know what you're doing?

Of course.

I played a paramedic once.

[antiseptic spraying]

["Give Me Light" by Marti West playing]

What would you do if I killed myself now?

[Ben scoffs]

[Janina] Would you regret
wanting to break up with me?

Nine, can you please just
stop embarrassing yourself like this?

♪ Fear, don't you find me now ♪

♪ Don't you make me blind, no, no ♪

♪ Don't you tie me down… ♪

You know what?

I think it's time for me to say thank you.

No, it's nice.
Everyone's really playing their part here.

Maria ensures a little fresh air
in the bedroom.

You play the sexy nurse role.

Janina cleans up properly.
Everyone does what they can.

Isn't it nice?

That's friendship.

♪ I'm tired of being alone ♪

♪ Every night, every night ♪

♪ Struck out, cold ♪

♪ In my fright, in my fright ♪

♪ I need it in my bones ♪

-♪ Give me light, give me light… ♪
-[cell phone beeps]

I always say, if you want to cook
a really cozy date meal,

then the only thing you really need,
eggs and herbes de Provence.

And this is the moment when you
take it out and you say, "Voila."

"Wild herbs that grow
in the south of France." You open it up,

you know the perfect amount.

That's when she thinks,
"Ah, this'll taste great."

And then you swing over here,
a little egg. Nothing to see.

One, two, three, the panties will drop.

[light switch clicks]

[Nils] Oh man, Janina. This is…

♪ All along the road ♪

♪ Give me light, give me light ♪

♪ I'm tired of being alone ♪

♪ Every night, every night ♪

♪ Struck out, cold ♪

♪ In my fright, in my fright ♪


♪ I need it in my bones ♪

♪ Give me light, give me light ♪

Are you still up?

[Nils] Mm.

[blows air]

Ben. Hey, isn't this crazy?

One of us is going to be a father.

[Ben] Mm-hmm.

[Nils chuckles softly]



I can't be that baby's father.



You weren't having sex anymore?

What? We were.

There you go.

I can't father children.


Yes, you must be the father
'cause I can't have children.

Hold on, are you sure?

Why not?

Come on, doesn't matter.

I can't be that baby's father.

That's it.


Oh fuck.


Congratulations. [chuckles softly]

You're the papa.

[Ben chuckles softly]

["Give Me Light" resumes]

♪ Struck out, cold ♪

♪ In my fright, in my fright ♪

♪ I need it in my bones ♪

♪ Give me light, give me light ♪

♪ Faith, don't you close my eyes ♪

♪ I don't know where to go, no, no ♪

♪ Don't take me by surprise ♪

♪ And shame ♪

♪ Don't you make a sound ♪

♪ Don't you break me in
No, no ♪

♪ Don't you shake me down ♪

♪ All along the road ♪

♪ Give me light, give me light ♪

♪ I'm tired of being alone ♪

♪ Every night, every night ♪

♪ Struck out, cold ♪

♪ In my fright, in my fright ♪

♪ I need it in my bones ♪

♪ Give me light, give me light ♪

Whoa! Ben, you fucking crazy or what?


I-I didn't mean…


I thought you were Ben.

Is everyone going insane in this house?

[seagulls squawking]


Where's Janina?

No idea.

Her car is still here.

Didn't she say where she was going?

[Maria] Mm-mm.

She was already gone when I woke up.

[Ben] Her phone's still here.

-What's that?
-Sleeping pills. And it's empty.

You say something to her?

What? What should I have said?


What's wrong?

[door handle rattling]

[Ben] Shit. [grunts]

[cello plays humorous notes]


[grunting continues]

[exhales heavily]

Yeah, we gotta go find her.

Ben, don't you think
you're overreacting a bit?

No, you know Janina.

This is one of her games again.
She's probably fine.

But Janina would never leave
without her phone.

[Ben] Nine!





Oh goddamnit.







-What's he doing?
-[both scream]

Oh God!

[Maria laughs]

[Nils] He's been looking for you.

-[Nils] Yeah.

Oh thank God! Where were you?

[Janina] I-- I was jogging.

What? Since when do you go jogging?

What's the matter with you guys?

I… Why didn't you take
your phone with you?

My battery died.

I thought you might have
done something to yourself.

Were you really worried about me?

Or about your baby?

It's not his baby.

[Maria scoffs] We don't know that yet.


-[Ben] Yes.

[Ben] Yes.

It's certain because
I had an undescended testicle as a kid.

Oh fuck.

And that means what?

I can't father any children.

Yeah, the baby can only be from Nils.

And why didn't you just say that?

[Ben] For what?

Oh, so you can think
I'm even more of a loser than you do now?

I'm already the failed actor.

-Isn't that enough?
-[Maria] Ben.

It's true.

-[Nils] Ben!
-[Maria] Ben, come on.

[Nils] Come on, nobody said that you…
Ben, you're not a loser

just 'cause your testicle
does its own thing. This is dumb.

What? What's the aesthetic like
down there, like a Picasso vibe?

-[Ben chuckles] Yeah.
-My goodness, wandering testicles.

That's nature. It's ebb and flow.

Hey, your fucking sarcasm
and your fucking jokes.

[Maria] Calm down. Calm down, calm down!

-If you don't shut your fucking mouth…
-[Maria] Hey, come back here!

Ben, just calm down!

[Ben] Your fucking shitty-ass comments
are so fucking annoying!

-[Maria] Hey, calm down! Calm down!
-[Nils] Stop it!

[Maria] Ben!

-Hey, stop! [grunts]
-Hey, Ben, I have trophies in my closet.

Youth sports! Athletic awards!


Guys, stop!

Calm down, guys!


Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

[warm music playing]


Oh fuck.


[Nils] I'm not going, I'm not going!

[Ben and Nils shouting indistinctly]

What are you doing?

-[Nils] Come on, man.
-[Ben sighs]

[Nils] Oh, so it's not with… out…


I'm gonna make it
a little steamier in here.

Add a little oomph, you know?

[clears throat]

[Nils exhales]

[Nils sighs]

[Nils exhales]


I'm sorry…
that I went after you like that.

Ah, don't worry.

[sniffles, sighs]

-[Nils] Ben.
-[Ben] Hm?

Uh, tell me, just out of interest,

about your testicle, is that, uh…

-Ugh. Oh, you and your balls.

What? I'm just asking him a question.

Can we please stop talking about my balls?


To some extent,
everyone is a little bi, you know.

[Nils] Yeah?

Yes. Statistically, everyone experiences
some homosexual fantasies

about a friend, male or female.

-Uh, statistically speaking?
-[Janina] Mm-hmm.

Have you had those thoughts about me?

I mean, I think everyone would generally
agree that you have beautiful breasts.

[Ben and Nils] That's true.

-[Maria laughs]
-[Nils] Yeah.

Did you have fantasies about each other?



-[Maria] Now it's getting interesting.
-Of course. Come on, yeah.

[Ben] No.

I see.

Well, I… [chuckles awkwardly]

It might just be the weed talking,

but I'm just curious as to what you two
find attractive about him. I mean…

-[Ben] You smoked weed?

[Ben] Uh-huh. When was that?


I just needed it to get through this day.

[laughing] Well then, that's it.

-[Nils] What?

I think everyone
should try everything once.

Yeah, she's right.

Come on, Ben.

Loosen up now. Here, up.


[Ben and Nils clear throats]

[Ben inhales, blows rapidly]

[Ben] Wow, not bad.

Man, this is blowing my mind here.
I-I really went up on my toes.

Your lips are soft.

I always thought
a beard would be scratchy…

-Me too.
-…but it was like lying on a bed.

It felt incredibly soft.

Yeah, you're a great kisser.



I still love you, man.

[both chuckle]

You think gay people
are happier in general?

We were talking about monogamy yesterday.

Isn't it true that…

a lot of gay people
have open relationships?

I kind of think that's a cliché.

[Maria] Mm-hmm.

[Nils] I believe that most gays
have no relationships at all.

[laughs] What?

-What's wrong?
-You're such a blatant homophobe.

I'm not a homophobe.

I'm not afraid of gays.
They can do what they want.

-[Maria] Yeah, right.
-I mean, Florian and Christian.

They've been together forever,
and they seem really happy.

Although maybe it's because
they've always been open.

Yeah. Or maybe they just figured out a way
to have casual sex without

calling all their feelings into question.

And we just haven't figured that out.

[Maria sighs]

No, we really haven't.

[Ben] What makes
a good relationship anyway?

[Nils] Well?

-[Ben] It was a question.
-[Nils] I see.

-[Nils and Maria] Honesty.

-[Ben laughs]

[Maria and Nils laughing]

Yeah, probably.

[Maria, Ben, and Nils laughing]


-Oh… Janina.
-Oh no.

You're right.

-Aw, so sweet.

-I really mean it.

Well, I mean, the feeling
when you come home from work

and you say to someone, "Honey, I'm home!"

And then they'll say, "I'm here."

Or, "Honey, I made you something to eat."

Do I want that?

-Do you want that?
-Yeah, maybe I do.

Whoa, I'm really hungry.

[Nils sighs]

None of us said fidelity.

Maybe it's because fidelity
should be something that…

is a given in a relationship.

Yeah, well, maybe that confirms
what I was just saying.

What did you just say?

Polygamy is not at all
the same as polyamory. That's…

you can go have sex with someone else
and still remain faithful somehow.

[Nils] Yeah, how?

-[Nils] I see.

[Maria] Hm.

Yeah, maybe we should start asking

what is harming our relationships
instead of what's good for them.

[Ben groans]

What? That's a good point.

Hold on. Hang on. Can you say that again?

-[phones chiming]

-Yeah, cell phones!
-[Nils] Huh?

No, not just cell phones.
But everything else related to them.

The entire internet,
this-- this constant overstimulation.

[Maria] Yeah.

Yeah, there are always too many stimuli
that endanger our relationships

and make us all completely
unable to commit to one another.

Look, we're…
we're like the very first generation

to have grown up
with the internet in our lives.

Every day online,
we see how we should live

or what amazing thing
we're missing out on.

And once we're in our mid-20s, we believe…

that we've found this one person…

whom we will marry
and then with whom we'll…

buy windbreakers
that are matching colors and…

a house with a garden
and, like, a giant trampoline in the back.

I just don't understand
how my parents managed to do it.

-Well, they just didn't swap partners.
-[Janina] Yeah.

[Maria] And why does this one person
have to be everything for us?

It's obvious we'll fail
to meet those demands.

Hey, but to fail,
you have to try in the first place.

There are so-- so many solutions.

[Maria] What solutions?

You see your parents as role models?
Stay together no matter what?

No, I'm not saying that.

There are also children who want to
set themselves apart from their parents.

Yeah. If they can.

Yeah, and you've gotta have
the balls for it.

[Nils and Maria snicker and laugh]

[Ben, sarcastically] Ha ha ha ha.
Thank you.

-[Janina] No, I didn't mean it that way.
-[Ben] Yeah, but you thought it.

[Nils] You're being a little bit pouty.

-No, really, you're a little sensitive.
-[Ben] I don't find that funny.

[Nils] I'll make you--
I'll go make you an egg. There.

[refrigerator door opens]

You could've just tried to be honest.

You could've just tried
being honest with me

instead of feeling sorry for yourself
all the time

and bitching and moaning about
how every role you get sucks.

I really tried my best to support you
for the past two years.

I even paid for those
method acting workshops you wanted.


[Ben] Tell me,
do you see what you're doing?

You can only blame other people.

And then when it comes
to your own problems,

you just freeze up, Nina.

-Don't call me Nine anymore.
-I've called you that for two years, Nine.

And for two years,
it's made me want to barf!

[Nils laughing]

She just said "barf."

[Janina] Maybe you should
switch to water instead.

[exhales] Why's that?

An alcohol problem is an ideal fit
for a life of failure.

You guys, we were doing so well.

Well, you know what?

By the way,
I got a leading role in a soap.

[Nils] No. Wow, that's great, Ben.

Have an egg.

Yeah, maybe I should have told you.

But to be honest,

you would've ended up leaving
even if I'd told you.

How do you know?

When did I ever once
make you feel like I wanted kids?

I wanted to develop a career.

And most of all,
I wanted your career to take off.

Man, if we'd wanted to have children,
there would've been a thousand options.

We could've done in vitro fertilization,
sperm donation, adoption, something else.

Because your ex-girlfriends
broke up with you over it

you just assume I would've done that too?


Maybe because
you just fell in love with me 'cause…

'cause you think an actor boyfriend
is Instagram-worthy

and will look cute
in a stupid couple's photo.

Do you really think that?

[scoffs] Okay.

[cell phone vibrating]

[Nils] Mrs. Bolshakov.


No, we can postpone it, no problem.

When would be good?

The 24th.

No, that'd be good.

Yes, I did. No, I wrote it down.

Okay. No problem.

Yeah, have a nice weekend. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

[cell phone chimes]

We have to go on somehow now, don't we?

We have to find a way, all of us.

[Ben] Nine, you're pregnant.

So how do you think
we should move forward?

Just pretend like nothing happened?

That worked out pretty well two years ago.

[Ben] Huh?

Two years ago? What?

What happened two years ago?

[Maria] They…

[inhales uncomfortably]

The two of them have done it before.

Hey, this is good. This is--

This is good that we're getting
everything out in the open now.


[Maria] But does that matter?
Janina didn't even know that I knew.

-[Janina] I'm really sorry.
-Oh come on. Jesus.

No, no, really. I…

We weren't really together yet. Um…

I-- I didn't really know
where this was going, and so I--

I see. So the whole time I was
running after you like some douchebag…

and you two were fucking, and I'm the
only one here who didn't know about it?

I've being playing the perfect boyfriend
this whole time.

And you've been lying to my face
for two years.

[Ben laughing]


How the fuck did we stick it out
for so long?

You have some fucking annoying quirks,
you realize that?

Starting with the fact
that we always arrive late for stuff

because you need your big entrance.

And don't even get me started
on your shitty vegan lifestyle

and your ridiculous need
to follow every dumb trend.

Your pathological need
to constantly curate your life

gets to the point
where you disconnect from reality.

And you know in reality,
you can't just slap a pretty filter

on your relationships, Nine.

Or here. How many series
have we watched together, huh?

A million.

And how many did we watch to the end?

Yeah. Not a single one.

We still don't know what ended up
happening to that fucking dragon queen.

And why don't we know?

Because when you think a show
is really great,

you don't want to watch it till the end,

because it sucks to know the end
if you ever want to rewatch it.

Or, the best quirk of all,

you expect me to eat all your raisins
because you don't like them!

Every single time you pile
your shitty raisins onto my plate,

and I'm supposed to eat them!

I hate raisins.

But you never even asked me.
I just quietly ate them.

Oh, come on,
that was an amazing performance.

Ben, respect, genuinely. 'Cause that was…

That was Gladiator without the horse.
That was-- that was Game of Thrones--

You're having quite a lot of fun here,
aren't you?

You pretend to be a friend, all the while
you're fucking my girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah, well you-- you've been fucking
his girlfriend as well.

-So now I guess you're even.

And you stayed with him?

Yeah. 'Cause he honestly--
he told me that, and…

I wanted to give myself
some kind of free pass.

Ah. And such a free pass

gives you total permission to just go
fuck your friend's girlfriend? Hm?

Friend? We hardly knew each other, Ben.
That was… [chuckles awkwardly]

-What do you want to hear?
-I don't know. An answer?

An apology.

[Nils] Okay.

What would that do?

I have a feeling that your little raisins
are slowly rising up to your brain now.

-[Janina screams]
-[glass shattering]

[Maria] Oh fuck.

[Maria gasps]

Jesus! Are you crazy?

Oh God.

[Nils grunts]

[Maria] Oh God.

[Nils groaning]

-[Maria] Oh…
-[Nils] It's not that bad.

-Oh God.
-He didn't even hit right.

Oh, I'm bleeding. [groans]


I really thought you liked raisins.

That's your big takeaway from this, huh?

-Oh, so Nils…
-[Nils] Huh?

Just to answer your questions
about what it looks like,

and just to fuel your fantasies a little…

-[pants unzip]
-[Ben chuckles]


[Maria sighs]

You guys.


[somber music playing]

This is the champagne.

It cost 200 euros.

[music becomes light-hearted]

Can you lose the yuppie talk for a second?

[Nils] Wait, I'll help you.

-[Maria] Doesn't--
-Don't put your nose above it. Careful.

-[Maria grunting]
-Don't pull. It's okay.

Goddamnit. [grunts]

-[both pant]
-Let me do it. Where is it?

-I've got it.
-No, no, let me.

-[cork pops]
-[Maria screams]

[Nils] Man.

[Nils sighs]

[speaker turns on]

[on recording]
Hey, Janina, it's Ann-Kathrin.

I've been thinking everything over.

We can use this swap experiment
as a great hook.

This is gonna be awesome.

I think if you can
keep this going long enough,

-we'll get juicy material for our readers…

[voice continues over speaker] And the
idea of the pregnancy test? Genius.

-I never thought you'd pull this off.
-Shit, shit!

You really got some balls, girl.

So, yeah, yeah. If you want it,
you'll have your own column now.

[Maria] Huh?

[dramatic music playing]

[dramatic music continues]

[dramatic music fades to silence]

So I guess we were just your guinea pigs.

You really staged all of this?

But the test. It read out positive.

-[Janina] No.

It's fake. It's just a movie prop.


Well, it's…


Somehow everything took on
a life of its own, and then…

I couldn't find a way to get out of it.

Hold on. That means I won't be a father?

[Janina] They were…

at the editorial office,

they were looking for someone who was
interested in trying this experiment.

It was being conducted
by the editorial management.

So it was a great opportunity
to finally get them to take notice of me.

[cell phone vibrating]

[Nils] Mrs. Bolshakov.

Mrs. Bolshakov, hello.

It's the weekend.


Of course, you can fuck right off.

-[Maria laughs]

-[Ben chuckles]
-[chuckles] Then feel free to complain.

Preferably to my father.

He'd be thrilled to have another excuse
to be disappointed again.

[Maria laughs]

Well, you think you have enough
for your article?

I've always asked myself
why you're the only one who…

just doesn't seem to understand

how utterly perfect
you and Nils are as a couple.

Instead, you decide to screw up
the perfect relationship

and do your own ego-driven thing.

What's so terrible about
finding a perfect partner and then…

getting married to him,
and having children, building a house?

And in the end,

well, yeah, you end up having
one of those shitty trampolines

in your overgrown garden.

But if he's really the one, then what
does it matter what you missed or…

what other stimuli
pop up in your environment?

[gentle piano music playing]

I'll go pack up.

[birds cawing]

I was hoping that if I loved you enough,
it would save our relationship,

but it didn't.

And, yeah, I am the calculating,
ice-cold journalist

who sells out her friends
to reach her goal.

And you three are the Good Samaritans
who know everything about everything.

Yeah, or…

Or maybe not. If you were,
we wouldn't have done this swap.

We all ended up
sabotaging our own relationships.

And I'm truly sorry that I hurt you guys.

Yeah, I…

At least you should
try to be honest, right?

Yeah. Yeah, one should be honest.

When were you
planning on being honest with Maria

and tell her the real reason
you brought that champagne?

What does she mean?

He wanted to propose to you.

But then you got so excited
about doing the partner swap…


Also… [chuckles]
Uh, I finished watching Game of Thrones.

And the dragon queen dies.

[gentle piano music playing]

[hopeful orchestral music playing]

[music stops abruptly]

I'm terribly sorry.

I couldn't make it here any faster.

We've made an awful mistake.

I don't understand.
What-- what's going on?

You are engaged to my best friend.

We should never
have slept with one another.

Hey, that was just a slip-up.

We talked about this already.

She must never find out about it.

That's won't be possible, though.

How so?

I'm pregnant.

Didn't we use a condom each time?

It… I guess it broke.

-And you don't take the pill?

You have to do another test then.

I did three tests already, John.
I'm pregnant.

Valentina's gonna leave me.

No, you-- you're right.
She must never find out about it.

You shouldn't risk losing
what you two have together.

I'm going to be a father.
I can't just lie to her.

You-- you shouldn't lie to her.

You should--
just try to conceal the truth.


You're right.

[woman] Okay.

[baby crying]

[gentle orchestral music playing]


Look at her.


So? Ready for your ultrasound?

[phone camera shutter clicks]

[clicks again]

[Anton, in humorous British accent]
Hello. Hey, gentlemen.

[phone camera shutter clicks]

["Ichichich" by Pudeldame playing]

-Should I look?
-[man 1] Yeah.

I'll take a look, okay?

I'll stop here very quickly
at the beginning, and then I go here.

I'm just thinking about it.
This is my entire performance.

Did you really want to… or…
yeah, but… [garbled mumbling]


-Excuse me?
-[garbled] I'm having little… I'm having…

-Honey, what's wrong with you?
-Having a stroke.

[man 1] Yes, very good.

[Maria chuckles] Ah!

-Just show me the result. Oh fuck.
-[Ben] Give it to me!

-[Janina laughing]
-[Maria] I almost fell over.

[man 1] Everyone ready?

-[blows raspberry]

[man 2] One-one, first marker.

Why did Nils give you the…
[blows raspberry]

Oh, come on.

-I'll do the reception…
-[man 3] I just said that.

-You did?
-[man 3] Yeah.

-[all laughing]

[Nils grunts]

[sighs] He'll probably win
a shitty award today.

-I can forget editorial management.
-[Maria] What?

Forget about. Fuck my life.

Hold on, I'll do it again.

-Sure we can talk. So is this vegan?
-[both laughing]

-Ah, the cat, the cat, the cat.
-The cat.

-[man 1] Yeah, yeah!

[man 2] Marker.

[in comical gruff voice]
You are my maiden.

[Ben and Maria snickering]

Then I'll-- I'll just do this.
[in comical gruff voice] No, you are mine.

No, you are mine. You are my property!

Hello! [laughing]



[cast and crew laughing]

[Ben and Maria laughing]

-Just a little bit.
-You're so hardcore.

-"Hard" is misleading in this context.
-[both laughing]

[Nils and Maria laughing]

Oh God. We gotta get this right.

[laughing] I'm sorry.

[Nils laughing]

[continues laughing]

I can't. [laughing]

Come on. Come on!

[Ben] Come on, take a peek!


[laughing] Shit.

[Nils laughing]

-[Ben] Guys, this one really sucks.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.


[all laughing]

[Nils] I can't. It just doesn't work.

[Ben] This is so bad.

We're up!