Dracula in the Provinces (1975) - full transcript

A boorish, snobish toothpaste factory owner, Constantino Nicosia, gives his wife and everyone a hard time having let success and wealth go to his head. But after the superticous Nicosia has an encounter with an elderly gypsy aunt, and a business trip to Romania results in another encounter with a suave vampire, named Count Dragalescu, Nicosia returns with blood-sucking like qualities which makes him re-examine his life and existence.

Live from the Cantù Sports Palace,

we send you the men's basketball match,

PDC "Colonel's Toothpaste" from Cantù and Laminati Monza.

In front of us, the sports president of the PDC, Mr. Costante Nicosia,

gets agitated trying to entice his players

to an impossible comeback.

Indeed, we are already approaching half-time,

and the PDC is well ahead of the score.

On the contrary, it is the euphoria among the adversaries where President Colombo

is satisfied with the progress of the meeting,

especially since a strong rivalry divides the 2 sympathetic presidents,

even outside the sports field.

We pass for idiots.

Come on....


Mess ! But go ahead, jump!

Excellent first quarter, Mr. Toraceschi.

We will turn the situation around in the second quarter.

- Thank you. For now, we are winning ... - How to explain the decline of your opponents?

Ask its president. Look at the.

It could happen !

Let's take advantage of the half-time to interview Costante Nicosia,

president of the "Colonel Toothpaste" of Cantù.

Alas we are losing

against the laminated plastic of my friend and opponent,

engineer Colombo.

But now my team will come back to score

as would the "Colonel's Toothpaste" from Cantù.

We cannot advertise.

It's my basketball team, I can advertise toothpaste.

I'm here.

Make them a big ass like that!

Peppino, motherfucker!

- Where were you ? - I had an accident.

- What ? - Rub, rub!

Assure, Peppino. Assure!

Like that. Drawn !


It works.


Assure, Peppino.

Assure !

Bastard from Peppino.

- Peppino, still ensures. - Continue, sir, I'm taking risks.

You lost well. I'm going, they call me.


- Peppino? - Quoi?

- Do you have a fake bump? - What do you say ? It's a real bump.

Dad had two, and my grandfather ...

It was a camel.

Is my wife there?

Darling !

Good evening.

- Hello Darling. - Don't take my makeup off, Tintino.

2 cards.

"Do not touch me". And we are surprised that men go to whores. Ladies ...


What are you doing ? Are you abandoning us?

I told him: "since you bring us 5 million in Switzerland,

while you're at it, bring me this cream that makes us like animals ...

- Very expensive. - Honor the loser.

Colombo, if I were you, I would be more modest. You won by luck and because

- from my trainer. But it will end badly. - If you insist.

- Ciao. - Bye Madam.

But he knows how to do it.

He is one of the biggest industrialists in Brianza.

To say that when he started, 7 years ago, he had almost 3,000 lire in debt.

Don't tell me about it.

Dear Colombo, those smart Southerners, better let them down.

An arranged marriage and he gave him back his daughter.

And this one, pretty clever that he is,

- took the factory we know from him. - I know.

- It's true. - Ciao, Pacani.

For me, he made a smart ad campaign.

Clever? With these signs ...

And those asses of women! What report is there?

We're joking, but since when does a woman wash her ass with toothpaste?

An ass, I would have understood for the advertisement of the sports lottery.

Erotic advertising is all the rage these days.

Tintino, are you crazy or what?

Didn't you see that cat cross? From left to right ! Double bad luck!

Black cat filth!

Here, a forbidden meaning. We do not pass.

Black cat filth!

I've always preferred rats, since I was little.

How do we get home? All directions are prohibited.

I do not care. Even if you have to go through Zurich, this black cat will not get me!

Stop with these superstitions.

The black cat, the purple colors, the accent on the "u" and the flat all blue.

I bet you married me because my name is Mariù.

This is not bullshit. I was born in Cefalù, I made a fortune in Cantù.

I like things with the accent on the "u" except you.

Do you know why I moved the departure to Romania?

Because it's our evening.

We are the 15th.

"Fruitful night, I cross the shore ..."

Tintino, we are in March, a month with an "r". It hurts.

Are you a mold or what?

Mr. Tintino,

it doesn't tell me to be pregnant.

La Garaveglia had a son who looks like Michelin.

Let’s not wage war, let’s make an heir.

Tintino, I still have the mask to do.

Even like that, I'm all hard.

If you want a child, buy one.

A small black, with the accent on the "u". Oh, Mariù!

Tintino! What are you doing ?

My God, I broke the mirror.

7 years of misfortune!

There needs to be a powerful remedy for that.

The only solution is a virgin. A virgin peeing on it.

And where to find a virgin at this hour?

- I'll see the yellow pages. - Oh, what a Southerner!

Anastasia, the maid. She is virgin.

If she's not a virgin, I'll shoot myself! Anastasia!

Anastasia !

Yes ?

It's me. I need to talk to you.

- Yes. - Anastasia!

I need to talk to you.

No sir. I do not want. Come back later.

I need you.

Do not insist. The flesh is weak.

What the hell are you saying? Listen,

- you're going to have to ... - Sir!

You finally realize my feelings for you.

Costante, we will have to give yours.

How dare you, nutcase?

Listen to me instead.

I'll put that broken mirror in the toilet for you.

You and you go,

and you pee on it. You understand ?

Monsieur !

When we want to conquer a woman, we do first ...

so many beautiful things in the bed.

Then you can always ask ...

to do something depraved.

Anastasia ?

You're a virgin ?

Or has a suicidal madman ever slept with you?

I have never known a man.

Hurry up and do what I said.

What do you do ? Are you touching me?

Between. And apply yourself.


If you stay behind the door, I won't make it.

Hurry up ! Don't waste time!

The heart cannot be controlled.

- Good morning sir. - Peppino.

What a day ! Tell me something beautiful.

Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better.

Well done, you are a real bootlicker. That's 10,000 lire.

Thank you. Good day.

No, Gestapo! Stopped !

I'm the boss, Gestapo. I am your Fuhrer!

- Stop it, Gestapo! - Gestapo!

And to think that this beast does not bite anyone except you. You dislike him.

But it's still the same story. I didn't want the German Shepherd.

All German beasts are dangerous.

In Germany, goats have fangs.

- Good morning sir. - Hello.

Rossella Wanda, born in 1945,

Communist heart, black hair, but red even to the skin,

and head of our internal committee.

Yes sir.

Pretend I'm not here.

Hello. The doctor is there.

- Hello doctor. - Hello.

- 30 seconds late. Why ? - Sometimes I'm wrong too.

- Read me the important points. - Right now.

From 10 to 11 a.m., meeting at Confindustria. At 11:15 am, meeting at the Regione.

At 12:30 p.m., lunch with the suppliers.

At 3:30 p.m., marketing meeting.

After 5 p.m. ...

What did you say ?

Excuse me. After 4:60 p.m., summit with the administration.

Airline and hotel ticket reservation for Romania.

Well. Still in love with me?


Normal. Sit down and write:

"Project of the new public ...

... city.

What is it ? You have 200.


You will make me buy feminine lingerie.

Bras, tights ... in all sizes.

- Nothing else ? - Go for it.

- I'll need it in Romania. - Are you taking a harem with you?

It serves for the women there. They are more sensitive to panties than to money.

And we Italians must raise the flag high. The only thing we have left.

The flag and the stick.

The stick. No harm done.

But don't overdo it, or it's a nervous breakdown.

I am prescribing these pills for you.

"A white in the morning,


And two reds after meals.

Of them.

On the contrary, in the evening, you will take them both.


- Here is. - Very well. 1, 2, X.

- If we do 13, we share? - No harm done.

But be careful, we don't mess with a nervous breakdown.

Strange effects can happen.

At my age, doctor ...

The voice of workers.

This is another of my tireless parents.

He works overtime.

Salvatore! Where do you think you are? On the southern arrow?

Costante, you know that waking me up like that can screw me up.

I'm gonna fuck you a 6 month old shit instead of your worms.

I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was resting.

Yes, I am stupid. I'll get you some pajamas and a bunk.

- You rested all your life! - Nice way to treat your brother-in-law.

- What are you doing ? - Go away, jester.

And be happy that I have to see you tonight with my strange family.


Yes ?

It's me, Carmela, in person.

Did you bring back the cannoli?

Here they are.

With ricotta or candied fruit?

Is that a password or what? Open, it's raining.

Bears bad luck far away. Bears bad luck far away.

No ! Not that one!

This is poor daddy's place.

No ! It's poor mother's.

This one is free for the moment.

How long has it been, Carmela?

Mum, 11, and dad, 29.

Both on the same date. Today.

- And who is she? - Aunt Maria.

A holy woman.

You remember it ? She came from our village for the celebration,

and to take some of your bad luck away.

I want you.

And also to prepare us

pork pate.

Let's not start making waves.

The pork pie, you eat it.

My brother !

You know that for the meal of the dead,

we use it a lot.

And then, he loved her so much!

That's what killed him!

The dead

gave us the recipe for the afterlife.

And that night they let me know

that you, Constantine, son of Rosaria,

and Ferdinand of Nicosia

have to hire in your factory

uncle Giovanni and his nephew Rafael.

- Yes. - Before, the dead gave the lottery numbers.

Now, do they work at the ANPE?

Costantino !

Don't you remember Zunino?

The deputy in Cefalú.

What do you want it to do to me?

Should I hire all the assholes who say hello to me in my factory?

- It's your family ! - The blood of your blood!

This family sucks all my blood on me.

They want to steal my factory. Even your husband, that one.

To us, you owe us obedience.

- You have to listen to Aunt Maria ... - Yes.

- and kiss that hand. - Yes.

Oui, Constant.

Do you think you're Marlon Brando?

Wretched !

Dishonored, shameless.

Ask forgiveness and make the cross with your tongue on the ground!

Shut up.

- He told her to stop. - Yes, spit out your venom!

Be damned !

Enough with this curse bullshit.

No one believes it anymore. I integrated myself.

Yes, so integrated that he denies homeland, family,

- and the sacred flag of Sicily. - Nino Bixio has spoken.


Big horn!

Look ! She's been dead for 47 years and still breaks her balls.

But I am no longer afraid. No need to inflate me with that.

I am no longer Sicilian but Milanese. I am from Brianza.

Your idiocy no longer impress me. I am mila ...

No ! Not the oil!

Tell him, too. Not the oil!

Not that ! Holy Father, help me!

She thinks about it ...

Costante, let your eye turn

and weep full of tears.

May your mouth have no more air to breathe!

May your heart turn to ashes!

May your clothes end in rags!

May bad luck stick to your skin!

May nature turn against you!

And that your soul ...

falls into the hands of the evil one!

Be damned !

Excuse me...

As I am surrounded by merry fellows, I take my precautions.

It's Mediterranean salt, very good against bad luck.

Against bad luck.

Here is. Thank you goodbye.

- Have a good trip ! - Who is it ?

Here is. I feel much better, dear count.

By the way, Count Dragulescu,

the titles of nobility were withdrawn in the countries of the East.

You see, I kept some privileges ...

for ancient and patriotic merits.

The Dragulescu have often saved the homeland.

My government has allowed our castle to be used in the Transylvanian mountains.

- A castle ? - Very pretty.

Built in 1400.

Come see me for the weekend.

Here is the address.

This weekend will be very entertaining.

I'm coming on business. I don't know if I could.

But thank you.

- Do you still wear sunglasses? - Only abroad.

Ah, OK.

Why is the phone not working? Is it the strike?

Change my room.

There is a problem ?

Number 17 is bad luck with us.

At our house too.

- Then change it for me. - We will see.


I can change it for you with room number 13.


Mr. Nicosia?

- A call from the ministry. Read. - Thank you.

- It's written in Romanian! - Excuse us.

- Do you take me for an asshole? - I would not dare.

It says: "Meeting to sign the contract

Monday at 10 a.m. "

But that was for tonight, Friday. What am I going to do until Monday?

There is the night club in the hotel.

So in that case, I can stay here for the rest of my life.

You are Italian ?

You too, I guess.

- Meniconi. - Nicosia.

No nothing !

What can I offer you? What are we drinking around here?

Here, we do not drink anything.

Just a little mineral water and some baking soda.

I tried to drink an aperitif.

It ate two teeth.

We have a lot of fun here.

I was hoping to leave tomorrow but they postponed the meeting until Monday.

Funny, huh?

Me, it's been 40 days that I wait and they push it back.

- Truly ? - Yes.

- Are you from southern Italy? - I'm Roman.

And you ?


Whore !

At least can we hit on some women?

Because I brought back a suitcase full of female lingerie.

I was told that here it takes some to bring them back to bed.

But I don't know if it's true. What do you think ?

I brought back a whole trunk of this stuff.

- Downright ! - And I wear it on me.


So as not to throw money out the window.

This is the "Cuban whim" model.

"Cuban Caprice".

Is there a typical restaurant in the area to eat and drink?

Yes. Yesterday a friend ate a cabbage minestrone.

We know how to do it well, that one.

Stiff death!

What is there to do here?

Here, you just have to shoot yourself.

Ladies and gentlemen...

- Where are the ladies? - Among our clients, this evening,

2 people speak Italian.

In their honor I want to sing

the last success of the Italian song.

You dance ?

This is Count Dragulescu's castle.


Natural light.

200 kilometers.


Wait ! Where are you going ?

I'm not stopping here. The castle is cursed!

- The storm is approaching. - At least wait until they open the door for me.

What a mess.

Wait a minute, I'm coming.

Good evening.

That one will surely go to a beauty pageant.

He is also deaf. GOOD EVENING !

Good evening.

We no longer have the light because of the storm.

Are you the Italian who called the count yesterday?


Come in.


- The count isn't here? - He asked me to excuse him

and beg you to wait for it. I'm Battrai, the butler.

Excuse me if there is no light. Happy are the Italians who still have it.

And we have the Pope.

I carry the suitcase to your room and come back.

I'll do it quickly.

Will beat!

They are bats, sir.

And they roam like little dogs?

They are holy animals with us.

Good day, sir. You look like...

Why are you giving me your arm?

I'll be right back.


I'm coming, sir.

Do not move.

Over here, sir.

I'll fix the arm later.

It is dear Count Draculescu. 1785 - 1868


- He looks alive. - He's here for tourists.

On the first floor we have the portrait of the first Count Dracula.

- The one from the movies? - That one !

So he existed?

Come in.


Here we are. I'll show it to you.

Here it is.

The first Count Dracula.

And here is the second.

- The son of the first? - As you probably know,

the count was a vampire.

Vampires cannot have children.

- Not even with a vampire? - No.

The light has returned.

So much the better.

Ah, my dear friend!

What a pleasure that you came to Transylvania.

I am glad to see you.

- Finally, Monsieur le Comte. - This is Gia.

Very honoured.

- This is Gianka. - Very honored, madam.

- And this is Georgia. - It's a pleasure.

- Good Sperandu. - We all hope so.

And here is my Italian friend Costantinopoli ...

That's it, Jerusalem too. Costante.

Why a handshake? How do you get to know each other in Transylvania?


My ear !

Have we already introduced ourselves, I think?

Ha, fine.

- The storm is over. - Not too soon.

- Constantino ... - There we are.

We'll have dinner at the Transylvanian, do you agree?


Will these ladies stay?

They are an integral part of our local customs.

- It's starting to get hot. - Beat!

Will beat!

Accompany my friend to his room,

in the North Tower.

Yes, the one where the rebel Jari was hanged.

Very cheerful, this place.

- Thanks. - Excuse me.

Transylvania, my love.

You have to be perfect, they want it.

Here I am !

Health !


what are you doing dressed


We dine naked in Transylvania.

- I thought you knew that. - Yes, but...

- Maybe you don't like it. - Yes, I like it!

I love these Transylvanian dinners. I do it myself in Cantù.

I do it from time to time, but not often.

Okay, I'm going to undress.

No, we don't do it alone in Transylvania. Go help him, girls.

Stay seated, Sperandu.

Softly. I am ticklish.

Not there, no.

Don't touch me there.

There is nothing to laugh about. I got acclimated to Romania.

Wood, Costantinopol.

- Do I have to drink it all? - All.

Not like this. Gently.

I will do the first and second review.

Mario, look at me.

Health !

Go Italy!

Three at once.

I danced with a man who wore "Cuban caprice" type panties.

You understand ?

It was...



A jerk!

Constantin !

Where are you going ?

It's me, Costantino! Where are you hiding ? Where are you ?

My beautiful!


- Ah, that's ... - Hello.


Always breaking the balls, you?

Bravo, Constantinopol!

Give it to me, Costantin.

Cocorico !

I am the rooster. Drink, my stars.

Drink, my chickens. Bathe and get wet.

Costante Nicosia gives you the frenzy.

As the poet says,

it's still the Romanian shower

which brings good luck.

My beautiful!

Costantino !

My beautiful!

My slut!


My beautiful!

My head...

Romanian slut.


Constantin !

My God ! Tell me what happened to me in Romania.

Tintino !

- Welcome, sir. - Kiss my ass.

- What is it ? - Kiss my ass.

- What ... - Fuck you.

You do not recognize me ? I'm your wife.

Fuck you too.

Look how he is. He needs a doctor.

- Go see a doctor. - Get examined.

- You need a doctor. - The first one who talks to me about a doctor, I ...

No doctor.

Pass, Giamboni.





Stop stuffing yourself with lozenges. It hurts you.

You're in great shape, too.

Look at this. You are a real male.

What are you touching?

He's touching me.


Let's do this exchange. You give me the American and I Baltarelli, Corniati and 25 tickets.

If you want the American, give me your black.

George? You're crazy! I give you Baltarelli and Corniati ...

I like black.

He has long legs ...

nervous, powerful, beautiful.

Have you become a queer since your trip to Romania?

Don't say that anymore, even in jest!

Excuse me, Costante, I don't ...


the boys are done.

Go talk to them.

A few words of encouragement from you will do them good.

Considering our position in the ranking.

- You're the one in charge. - The match against Latirizzi Padova will be important.

Go ahead, sir, please.

Guys, the president needs to talk to you.

If I give you 10 tickets, will you take this one from me?

So, guys ...


Against Latirizzi Padova, it will be necessary to put the package.

It's understood ? Guys,

try to die on the ground. Try...

to die.

And this relative who came with me to Romania ...

- found himself spending the evening ... - With prostitutes.

No, not exactly.

- Let's say in the branch of prostitution. - No harm done.

In short, one thing leading to another ...

he found himself involved in some sort of orgy.

- No harm done. - No, there is no harm.

And let's face it, this parent had a lot of fun, he didn't skimp.

He was, as they say, very drunk.

But the next morning, this parent in question ...

- You hear me ? - Yes.

He ended up in bed ...

- with the owner! - No harm done.

"No harm done" ? Are you kidding or what?

I said he was drunk, after drinking a whole bottle.

He collapsed in bed, drunk.

So he ignores everything!

He does not know whether or not there has been ...

- The impact. - Sodomy?

I wanted to use more polite language.

In any case,

He has had headaches ever since. He faints when he sees naked men.

In short, he fears having become ...

A queer.

- No ! - What ?

So what is he afraid of having become?

A queer.

No harm done.

Again this "there is no harm".

He's a serious, married man who owns a factory.

- He even has a mistress! - Excuse me sir...

Since your return from Romania,

have you got...

had sex with women?

Me ?

What does this have to do with me? It is a parent.

No, he had no relation,

first, because he was doing very badly.

And also because he feared

that it no longer works.

So this is it. There is nothing to worry about.

Tell your parent to stay calm.

I'll prescribe some pills for him.

1, 2... X.

And then, we don't become homosexual

as fast.

I told him. He's a fool.

- Did you tell me he has a friend? - Yes. - Very well.

- Let him go see her ... - Yes ...

and that it makes a nice impact.

After that, this story will be over.

- Unless ... - Unless?


The impact does not succeed.

Which would mean that during this famous night,

there have been...

- Anal? - No harm done.

Liù !

Constant !

I didn't know you were coming.

My beautiful slut!

No, look how I'm dressed ...

- My beautiful! - You did dirty things in Romania?


Do you want to do them now?

Yes !


try to catch me.

Where are you running, Liù?

Can't you see I'm in a coma?

- Liù! - Come !

These are children's games.

But after the child's play, I'll put you to bed.

Stop ! My heart is racing.

Come on, old man. Enjoy the countryside.

I would need another one.

My coronary artery is going to explode. Warning !

Bitch! I hurt myself.

Look, I'm all scratched up.

- What idiot put that barbed wire? - It's just a little rust.

Me with the heart attack, and you with tetanus. What a beautiful love story.

If because of a fool like you, I get tetanus ...

- Suck! - What ?

- Suck! - What should I suck?

The leg, idiot!

Come on, suck, hurry up!

You go-y!

I already have the taste of tetanus in my mouth.

Here is.

Well. Like that.

That's enough now.

A little more.

Suck me too.

The mouth ?

- What ? - What's on your neck?

Enough to ?

I suck you and you hit?

What are those marks on your neck?

Where ? I scratched myself.

This is how you thought of me in Romania. Who did you do the pig with?

With no one, honey.

- You were drunk with love? - Yes.

- Liù! - Liù my ass!

You plant me here to play stupid elsewhere.

I do not understand. It was surely an injury that made me ...

- It's probably the beard. - What am I doing here?

I take care of your vegetable garden and I have to lie down for 3000 lire?

The store is closed. It's over !

I was about to die. Now I'm better, and it's thanks to you.

I need you !

I'm ready to buy you anything.

You imagine ? I thought I had become a queer.

Why are you going after queers? Racist!

Don't, Gestapo!

We're starting to understand who the boss is here.

- Good morning sir. - Speak.

Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better.

- Take. - Thank you.

- You made a mistake, there are 1,000 lire. - It's the recession.

Good morning sir.

Your clothes are too suggestive. If you want to make yourself nice, forget about it.

And if you want to be seen, then disappear.

Now tell me the news so that I calm down.

- Your brother-in-law is waiting for you. - Let him in.

Return to the store.

I fire her, that one.

I can enter ?

This is another from the popular song company.

- What did you want? - Tell you that I no longer need.

- Enough to ? - Of you. And all your tribe.

Load your tomato crates on the next train

and take with you wife, son, aunts and nephews.

- Constant ! - Constant en a plein le cul.

Take the train to Cefalú, with the accent on the "u".

That I don't see you here anymore.

- Yes ? - The contract for toothpaste in Romania.

Erase Romania from the map!

- Sir ! - What ?

A misfortune has happened.

Your cousin Tauzzo has just fallen into the grinder.

Good news at last !

Wait a minute ... in the white toothpaste, or the one with the red stripes?

That of the dentrifice with the red stripes.

It's nothing.

Move around!

Then ?

It suits you very well.

- You're white-red. - Cuckold!

If you thought about the safety of your employees instead of the profits ...

Ca-incense! - No!

He jumped in so as not to work!

What ? You too, tell him that we can no longer work like that.

Enough is enough ! Tell him!

We have to change things.

- You are fine ? - It's nothing.

My instinct told me to throw myself on this blood ...

and lick it.

Drink it, suck it, absorb it,

suck it up, pump it up, own it.

- As with Liù's leg. - Obviously, it's about you.

No harm done.

- It's not your parent ... - It's me.

You understood that very well.

But what I didn't say was that I was bitten on the neck.

He was a count, but look what he did to me.

It seems he was a descendant of Count Dracula.

- Do you realize? - And now,

you no longer fear being homosexual, but ...

It's blood, doctor. I love the blood.

Since I tasted it, I have become more aggressive,

nastier !

So now you think you're ...

a vampire.

The most beautiful vampire in Italy.

No harm done.

Vampires no longer exist, don't worry.

They are the fruit of the people's imagination.

I'll prescribe some pills for you.

More pills and medicine, doctor?

My stomach has become a raffle bag.

Constant !

Constant !

If I don't bite, I'll die.

Liù. You alone can save me.

You alone can save me.

You can't deny me a little bite.

Save me, Liù.

Save me.

This is the telephone answering machine for number 85-55-88-88-7.

I am momentarily absent.

And since you're the only one with my number, I don't want to hear your horrible voice.

I don't want to see your ass face again

and with the 30 seconds you have left,

I can tell you that you are a coward, a little shit,

a bad move, and above all,

a big asshole.

Liù !

31 !

And now...


Mariù, wake up.



I need you. I am 31.

Look at me and get excited, Mariù.



Tell me about love, Mariù.

Go shit!

You ?

What do you want ?

Your curse destroyed me. She leads me to the grave.

Eh yes !

And you came with your tail between your legs.


Sit down.

The spell was too strong. It's exaggerated.

- You offended me. - Yes, I offended you.

But I feel like Saint Quentin, good for the scrapyard.

- I am very bad. - I understand you're in trouble.

On the contrary, the doctor says that I am very well.

- The doctor ? What does he know? - It happened to me unintentionally.

To have to suck some blood.

- Suck blood? - I felt myself blooming again.

What is happening to me?

What should happen? I gave you a simple nasty look.

At worst, you would have broken a leg.

But you talk to me about blood. What do I know?

If you got another spell, what do I know?

The only solution to the problem

is the coffee grounds.

This one is all ready!

I used to do it with regular coffee.

And the result was average.

With decaffeinated, it costs more ...

but it is more precise.

It feels like watching television, look.

Turn, turn ...

Look at her.

What ? What did you see, Aunt Maria?

- The magician of Noto! - In there?

The magician of Noto!

He alone can save you!

Go, run!

- Only him ! - The magician of Noto? Who is it ?

Passengers on flight 458 to Palermo

are requested to present themselves for boarding.

Passengers on flight 458 to Palermo ...

Explain to me what you are going to do in Africa.

In Sicily, Mariù. I'll tell you when I get back, trust me.

Peppino est long.

If he doesn't come, I'll stay here. It's no use watching you.

- Pepino! - Here's the newspaper.

- Always late. - There was an act of blood in Ferrara.

I have to leave for Ferrara. I want to say...

I leave. Ciao.

Okay, I kiss your bag.

Vol 458. 4 + 5 = 9, and 8 ...

- 17! - You understood.

You understood.


What is that ? Let me see.

It's there, at the green gate.

- Hold. - Thank you.

"The magician of Noto. He knows everything, guesses everything, knows everything."

Who is it ?

What kind of magician are you to ask that?

We stop the controversies.

Come in.

Excuse me.

Sit down.

If you want to eat, do your own thing. I can...

Mr. Magician, I ...

100,000 lire in advance.

Before you start?

- The international tariff imposed by the union. - Is there even a union?


There are 100,000 lire.

Payable to bearer.

I was saying...

Not a word !

I got the message. I know all about you.

You love a woman who does not suit you and you have sleepless nights.

You invoke her, desire her, think of her,

and above all, you masturbate.

Shut up ! In this case, the filter is very simple.

A 17th of the month, on a moonless night,

collect hare poop,

then take a little mint, parsley,

a little garlic, and put everything in a bottle.

Then urinate in it, ferment everything,

shake well before use,

and have your wife drink it 3 times a day before each meal.

I don't like any woman.

In fact, it is cuckolding!

- What horns? - Yours.

- How dare you ? - Collect the poo from your lover's ...

- Do you take me for a shit collector? - So it's about money, debt.

Pick up the poo from your creditors and ...

I don't pick up anybody's poop. I'm the bother ...

Mr. Constantine Nicosia of Cantù.

Monsieur Costante Nicosia de Cantù?

You are very famous. Why didn't you say it earlier?

How can I catch up?

Let's not waste time and come to the reason of my presence.

Unfortunately, I have a bad eye.

It is chased away, the evil eye.

- Take ... - No shit.

No, take a seat on this chair.

Please go ahead.

Let me do it.

Take this.

Like that.

Close your eyes.

Rabbit balls,

feather and hair shoes,

just as you came, evil eye,

go away!


- Its good ? - Almost.


I see...

I see...

50 000.

- Why ? - Supplement for the ball.

- What do you mean, 50,000 lire? - Taxes included.

If it's like that.


Then ?

I see...

I see...

Trouble awaits you,

we can see them clearly.

Evil eye and disgrace, mourning and ruin,

and it's all your fault.

Why did you fire this gentleman

who answered to the name of ...

Andalù Cannata.

- Andalù? - Yes.

Do you think I'm going to fire someone in "ù"?

My brother-in-law's name is Cannata, but he's Salvatore.

We can read it here, see?

Salvatore is his middle name.

His first is Andalù.

In memory of his distant relative.

If you want to save yourself, you have to hire him back right away.

Increase his salary,

and take back all your parents that you made redundant.

Otherwise you will be in terrible trouble,

great catastrophes!

All right, I'll take them all back, as long as there's ...

no more nightmares.

Well done. The evil eye is gone.

It’s better.

Because otherwise I will come back here,

and you will have a little bird without sugar.

- That is to say ? - Cock in compote.

I am cured ?

Perfectly healed.

- You're healed. - Perfect.

Salvatore ?

Salvatore ?

Thank you so much. That's the 100,000 lire.

Very well.

He'll take you back, but be careful.

Behave well if not you too

you will have the bird in compote.

- That is to say ? - Cock without sugar.

- Why are you looking at me? - You're so pale.

I'm fine, I'm healed. Where is madame?

Madame is in the bathtub, naked. You understand ?

Naked, shameless. Not even a thong.

I would like to see you there.

Whenever you want, sir,

I am ready.


Tintino !

You have finally arrived!

You could have warned me. And your trip to Africa?

Well. I am perfectly cured, no more evil eye.

So much the better.

Tintino darling, give me the bathrobe.

Tintino, stay calm!

He bites my ass! Help !

Wait a minute, I'm coming!

Without warning in addition.

Here it is !

My wife screwed me up. Because of a bite in the ass.

- Come in and calm down. - That dirty wizard from Noto hasn't healed anything.

I knew he was a charlatan, but I wanted to heal so badly that ...

- I did not close my eyes. - What have you done ?

What did I do ?

I studied my case thanks to all of this.

- Turn on the light. - I turn it on, that's it.

- Sit down. - I studied my case,

all night long with the eye half closed. Everything is here,

on this book, that my cowardly wife planted me.

Here it is: "Vampire,

from the Magyars "vampyr", which means "to drink".

In fact, the vampire feeds by drinking

human blood,

and we become it through contamination.

The vampire passes it on to his victim ...

- To his victim! - No harm done.

... who will thus be transformed into an executioner.

- You understand ? - Yes. No harm done.

All the evidence is there, all of it.

- I hate garlic. - No harm done.

Before, I was afraid of animals, now it's the other way around.

I never had a child ...

- No harm done. - ... like vampires.

Now make me the sign of the cross. Try.

You have seen ?


No harm done.

You are a vampire.


fuck you, there is no harm. I've been telling you this for 1 hour!

Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better.

You don't give me anything, sir?

Peppino, you are useless. Get revised or put on a transistor bump.

- Kiss my ass ! - To you and your mother!

- To you and your mother! - How did he hear me?

- We don't smoke in it. - Hello, Costante.

For me, yes. For you, no, because I'm firing you right away.

Why kick me out again?

You and the whole Sicilian clan. And forget about Noto's wizard this time.

- Why kick me out? - Because !

To all departments:

I will destroy violence with violence,

laziness through dismissal,

the strike by rewarding the strikebreakers!

I will organize armed bands against any moral reprisals.

I'll make you a big ass like that!

End of transmission.

Say, driver. Do you believe in vampires?

To vampires? No.

I'm not a fool. The vampires !

- Good day, sir. - Good evening, Robert.

At the ?

- Liù ... - You are on the answering machine at 85-55-88-88-7.

As you are the only one to have this number, I inform you

that all the actions of Mrs. Pederzoli

came under the direct control of my company.

With the 30 seconds you have left,

I can tell you that you are a daredevil,

a selfish, a born loser,

and especially,

a big asshole!

What are you drinking ?

A tomato juice. Red.

- With pepper. - Right now.

- On my account. - Very well.

Did you see who we have tonight?

Sir ? Did you see who we have tonight?

Olghina Franchetti, the dame de Mobilificio.

A devourer of men,

a woman who craves sex.

She only thinks about work, and is worth more than 10 leaders.

But when she takes a vacation

she goes to Tangier and gets more than 50 cocks a day.

The glutton !

We call her Olghina the pass.

They say she only has fun with monsters.

- With what ? - Monsters.

Faster, gondolier.

But what a gondolier, buffoon, I am from Como!


The asshole is you. Dressed as an undertaker on top of that.

You ?


We have one night ...

in front of us.

That's enough

for your "achievement"?

Pardon ?

I meant for your requirements, for your ...


It depends.

It depends.

What do you do ?

Fantastic !

I hope you have prepared yourself verbally. I am very picky.

Keep calm. I studied the poet all night.

- I remember it. - Well.

We will unite poetry with pleasure.

- I'm here to unite. - So much the better !

I wasn't expecting you, but you came unexpectedly,

without shoes, his face masked by a veil of light fabric ...

shining and twirling in the air.

- I see hell! - Don't put yourself on the left. Go right.

I'm here. You do not see me ?

The cow !

You got hurt ?

You are there ?

- You got hurt ? - It's nothing.

It's the fault of those damn sunglasses.

- I'll take them off. - No !

No, you are visible.

You have some sort of wild deity.

The first smell of the Champs de Mars,

the flavor of autumn honey, teeth ...


Come on, come on.

Come on, straight ahead!

Straight ahead of me.

Inexorable as the wind, it ruffles my hair ...

and my soul.

Here I am.

What a stroke of genius!

Very original ! But where are you ?

I'm here !

You got hurt ? Here it is !

I look at you, and the first skin of the fresh almond

is soft like your cheek.

And your closed fingers are like wild lavender.

- What ? - Wild lavender.

And the stem of the iris, bending,

does not have the grace of your hair which bends under the effect of foehn.

- From foehn? - Yes, from foehn.

Let go of me for a moment.

Not that fast.

Let's talk a bit first, let's get informed.

Damn, stay calm with your feet.

Tell me who you are.

- I am a nocturnal animal. - A nocturnal animal?

- A genius of the night. - A genius of the night.

I can't say anything more.

How did you become like this?

It's so ... What led you to this?

- Mamma mia. - A disillusionment in love?

Or even a spell ... I slip!

We slide.

Or a stock market crash?

Or the call of the moon?

- Or a Romanian count. - A Romanian count?

- Yes, but now ... - That's great!

Yes, but now the hour has come!

Come, mysterious moth.

The rite of death and night has begun.

Let this mysterious rite begin. Let him begin.

Take me. Genius of the night.

- I'm yours. - Stay there and don't move.

We will be able to play.

I am a toy in your hands, yours body and soul for the whole night.

And you, like a howling wolf: ouh ....

during those wonderful nights when your superb demonic spirit makes me feel ...

- ...desire ! - Let go of my hair.

- You're pulling my hair out! - Still !

Don't move, let me take the luck.

The vein ! What a joker!

Look at that big vein, it must be the femoral.

Don't move and you won't feel a thing. Not moving !

So ?

Then ?

I'm finished.

What did you do ? A scratch.

What more do you want, flower without sap?

You have known the sacred pleasure,

pleasure forbidden.

Now I'm going back to ...

where I came from.

The night awaits me. Goodbye.

Hey you ! Poor guy !

Won't you crash me like this? We haven't finished yet.

Why ?

What do you mean "why"? All these preparations, the atmosphere,

the wait, the suspense, the monster by night ....

- only for that scratch? - Fate marked me with this infamous sign.

"Go wolf, howling in the night,

looking for other victims.

I go !

But go shit, you

your victims and your bullshit.

Garbage from the afterlife! Monster of my ass, failing!

He comes here, rolls a shovel for me, breaks my bed and forfeits it.

Go learn the trade with the count in Romania.

Talk about vampire teeth, soft gums!

Good evening.

- Hi ? - Who is it ?

Are you Bestia Assatanata?

It's me.

- You confirm your announcement to me? - Hi ?

"Beautiful, middle-aged,

willing to any type of experience,

very strict education.

Signé: Ravenous Beast. "

I'm telling you it's me.

Yes ?

Is she there, lady ...

Ravenous Beast.

She is here. Come in.

Come. I'll make you a good cup of coffee.

Sit down.

Madame will be ready in a moment.

Arnaldo, did you prepare the water?

Yes dear.

Its good.

The water is boiling.

Do you like burns?

Well ... In short ...

Here is. It will be 20,000 lire.

- For the coffee ? - No, for Madame.

Well. You will see, you will be satisfied.

She does it with so much passion. She has a vocation.

She's been like that since her childhood. My darling.

Get up, my big boy.

- Constant Nicosia, ench ... - Tais-toi!

I had forgotten an appointment. Excuse me...

Stop! Where are you going ?

Come on, go ahead. Come with me.

What a beauty.

What woman.

Haven't you taken your coat off yet?

You like it, eh?

You like it like that, gross disgusting.

I've been waiting for a long time for a handsome man like you, brutal, who can destroy me.

You give me chills of pleasure.

Can't we just kiss?

Nothing at all !

Destroy me, make me suffer!

But how do I do it?

Destroy me! Make me bleed the flesh,

kill me !

- You're killing me. - No, it's you!

- The children. - That's enough !

I have other things to do. Call me if you need.

Have fun.

You whip me!

...without shame ! Bad !

You'll see, the best happens.

You will taste the torment and the ecstasy.

Please, ma'am, be nice.


Enjoy, my little bird.

These brave children.

How good is this girl!

How much fun they are!


- Enjoy. - 25.

- Cum harder. - 26.

Enjoy with the spirit, enjoy with the soul.

And all your dead parents.

My big teddy bear, you made me suffer so much.

Sorry, ma'am, I won't do it again.

Now come here.

I'm yours. Take me.

Take me !

I'm here, all hot, waiting for you,

like a hungry beast.

I want to become a big gaping wound.

You washed me.

Make me cum, I'm yours.

You destroyed me. Now make me cum, for crying out loud!

My little one, come here.

I told you she's good. Are you satisfied ?

I only wanted a bite.

It had to be said. My wife probably didn't think about it.

Constant ?

- A problem with Wanda Torcello. - Calm down. What is it ?

- She's on hunger strike. - Okay, we're saving a post.

She has not eaten for 2 days.

Let's go see her.

Here it is !

Here is the Judas, the hypocrite, the leech!

- You let yourself be insulted like that? - As a matter of fact,

- she's talking to you. - To me ?

- Let me listen. - You...

You fired Salvatore Cannata,

the only one who defended us here.

You laid off 5 other employees because they were playing pinball.

You stripped us of all our rights like that.

What do you want ? See us all naked?

Continue ...

The end of strikes, bonuses for whistleblowers ....

and increased working hours. What do you want from us again?

What do you want ? Our blood?

Who told you that ?

Very well.

So I give it to you.

This is the proletarian blood.

- Is this what you want ? - Yes. How beautiful it is.

So take it.

- It's yours. - All good from God?

Don't waste it.

At this very moment,

I had a great idea,

the one that allowed me to settle everything.

To think that it took so little.

The work is going well.

My toothpaste is used even by toothless people.

Salvatore and Cefalú's other parents have been rehired. Everybody is happy.

And me the first. Every Sunday, that's how it is.

This crowd of employees is my pride.

I am the first industrialist in the world to have found the compromise


Guys, don't do like last Sunday.

We will take blood from everyone,

and you will all get a bonus in your salary.

But without causing confusion, without rushing, nudging.

The autoemoteca Nicosia is there for everyone, without distinction.

It's just.

And be careful,

do not lose a single drop of blood.

Non !

First the Torsello.

- Wanda Torsello. - Present, sir.

She has blood to give, this one.

- Prepare Barelli. "Let Barelli get ready."


Let Lonardi get ready.

"Marius!" "How are you, Tintino?"

Well. I don't kiss you so as not to mess your hair and undress you ...

No, go ahead. You can undo me from anywhere.


I came back to tell you ...

that I am expecting a baby.

A baby ? How it is possible ?

Do you remember that night in the bath ...

- After the bite? - Yes.

It's been so long since you and I ...

It happened this time.

So if I can have a child, I'm not ...

What ?


- Mariù ... - Tintino!

My golden star. It will be a beautiful baby.

Tintino, I'm happy.

And to think that I didn't want it. All the credit goes to you.

Tintino, let's have a toast.

Best wishes, Mariù.

To the heir of "Colonel's Toothpaste".

Thank you. There he is, the dolphin.

My beautiful Costante Junior!

You know that since you were born, your daddy took a thorn out of his foot.

Now give dad a nice smile.