Doug's 1st Movie (1999) - full transcript

Doug and his friends find a "monster" living in the woods outside their town, but when they find the monster is actually kind of nice, they find themselves hunted by "bad guys" who want the monster. In addition, Doug has to compete for the attention of Patti Mayonnaise with a snobby 8th grader, Guy Graham. Will Doug get to take Patti to the Valentine's Day dance?

NED: Oh, man!

BOOMER: I'm freezin'!


you really think this
is such a good day
to go fishing?

Maybe you guys
would rather go home

and cut valentines
out of construction paper
and doilies!

Well, yeah!

Sounds enjoyable, Rog.

I'll make hot chocolate!

Let's go over this
one more time.

We're not here
for fish, you goons!

We're here to bag
a couple of losers!
Oh, can it.

Here they come!

145 hours,
38 minutes.

You're not counting down
to the Valentine's dance
again, are you?



Hey! Are you doofuses still
hunting for that lake monster?

Except for the part
about being doofuses.

When Doug and I get
our monster picture, Roger,
you'll see.

Hey, I know where
you can find a whole bunch
of monster pictures.


Your family album!

Good one!
Family album!

I don't get it.

Go ahead and laugh, Roger.
We're gonna find
that monster.

Sooner than you think!


Hey, what are we all
nudging each other for?

You're pushing
my buttons, Bledsoe.

Let's get going.
Move it, move it!

I wonder if I need
some new shoes.

Yeah! Something fast
in case we get chased
by that monster.

No. For the dance.

Oh. Oops!
What the...

We better leave
the bikes here.

I guess I could wear
these ones.

I don't wanna look too,
"Hey, I'm wearing new shoes!"

At least not...


You hear that?

I'll go this way,
you go that way.

ROGER: Pull that out.

Gee, Roger, don't you think
this is kind of mean?

How many times
do I gotta explain

that it's unhealthy for me
to bottle up my natural
childlike spontaneity?

You want me
to get an ulcer?

NED: A dude's gotta keep
his chi flowin', man.

ROGER: Exactly.

You wanna stay healthy,
you gotta keep in balance
with nature.

Now, let's go scare
the hoo-ha outta Blue Boy.

Hold it, monster.

You're not going anywhere.

Yeah? Who's gonna
stop us, Funnie?

Uh, um...



Hmm. Never
been here before.

What a mess! Ugh!

Whoa! Camera.

Oh, man!
Where is it?
It's here somewhere.


Oh! My eyes!


Very funny, you guys.
Very believable, too.

Did you rent it
or did you make
it yourself?

Well, you had your fun.
Now you can go home.


Roger? Uh, Roger?

There's something bad
behind me, isn't there?





Roll it, Porkchop.

That's me!




DOUG: Dear journal,
it's me, Doug Funnie.

I've lived at 21 Jumbo Street
for the last year and a half,

and I've seen a lot
of weird things.

But what happened last week
was probably the weirdest.

I guess it all started
right before Valentine's Day.

That means at school,
people have just one thing
on their minds.

A Valentine's dance!
Let's go shopping.

Uh... Isn't it romantic?

A Valentine's dance.
How delightful.

A Valentine's...
A Valentine's...

The monster!
I finally found it!

DOUG: Well, almost
everybody was talking about
the Valentine's Day dance.

It was all
I was thinking about.

Can anyone tell me how ancient
Egypt ultimately became
a Roman province?

DOUG: Well, and one
other thing, too.

Miss Mayonnaise?

It was Mark Antony's
eternal love for Cleopatra

that incited the
great Battle of Actium.

DOUG: There's only been
one Valentine for me.

One person who I've shared
my happiest moments with,

and a couple
not so happy ones.

We've gone through
the same hardships,
like my sister Judy.

Leonardo, Mona,
you're supposed to be
sixteenth-century lovers.

Now, kiss her
like you mean it!

DOUG: For all those reasons,
I knew I had to find a way

to make this dance
really perfect.

BEEBE: This dance
is gonna really stink!

Huh? How can it stink?

The student council's
supposed to pick two people
to coordinate the dance,

but nobody signed up.

People are so selfish!

Sure, everybody wants
to go to the dance.

But do they want to lift
a finger to help? No.

Why don't you help, Beebe?

You expect me to put
my mouth on balloons, touch
streamers? Ugh! No way.

We have less than a week left.

Whoever we get is
gonna have to work day
and night to get ready.

Day and night?

Right. Pay close attention,
Miss Mayonnaise.

We amass the streamers
over here, flank with
the punch bowl,

maneuver the record player
into position, and we hit
'em right in the middle

with a big heart-shaped
mirror ball. Bang!

Oh, Doug, you're so
dance plannery.

Indeed. Still, it's
not quite there.

We need something.
A theme!

How 'bout something simple
like "true love"?


True love?

True love!

You know, when two people
love each other. Truly.


That true love.

I know two people perfect
for the job, Beebe.

Do you really think I'd be
good at organizing a dance?

I've never done
anything like that.

I think you'd be great
at whatever you wanted
to do, Patti.

If you worked on
this dance, it would
be the best dance ever!


Not much competition.
Looks like I'm the only
one crazy enough to...

Okay, people,
work, work, work.
I'm outta here.

Why don't you watch where...
Oh! Hey, looking for me?

Not exactly...
Oh, I think I know!

Heart Day
just around the corner.
Want to talk in "priveto"?

Guy, I'm here to sign up
to work on the dance.

What? That dinky,
lower-grade dance?
I got a dozen better ideas.

Instead of hanging out
with a bunch of babies,
you can trade candies with me!

Scoot the boot
with the upper-grade crowd.
What do you say?


Can't you see I'm
talking to someone?

Time to grab your
opportunities before they grab
someone else. Get me?

Ticktock, ticktock.
(MIMICS BUZZER) Contestant,
your answer please!

Thanks anyway, Guy,
but I'm going to the dance.

I may even be
working on it.

Whatever sands your wood.
Don't say I didn't offer.
I'm outta here.

Last chance
to change your mind.

Good-bye, Guy.

That... Guy!


Hey, Patti!
Can you help me get
this stuff to the car?

Sure, Daddy.
See you, Doug.

DOUG: This was going to be
the perfect surprise.

I knew Patti and I
were just the team to make
the coolest dance ever.

I don't know about you,
but I'm still scared, man.

This is terrible.
I thought that lake thing
was gonna kill me!

It must've thought we were
trying to attack Valentine.

Yeah! It was
protecting him.

Valentine's got
a monster on his side.

A monster?
On his side?

Valentine, is that a nose
or a ski slope? (LAUGHING)


Rog, you okay?

I think his brain
vapor locked.

Stand back.

(COUGHING) What the...
His idea.

Why, you! I ought to...
Oh, ah...

Uh, Rog.

Shh! I think
I'm getting an idea!

How can you tell?
What does it feel like?

Maybe it's gas.

Just wait. It's gonna
be the biggest thing
to ever hit this town!

ALL: Again?

I can't believe your
camera went off when
it hit the ground.

Yeah! Maybe I got
a picture of
the monster!

Oh, Doug!
I wanna thank you.
You saved the dance!

Where are ya, honeybunch?

Take these
to the car, Daddy.
Yes, dear.

Oh, Skeeter, I was just
doing a little shopping

in case someone wants
to take me to the dance.


Meet you at
the photo shop, man.

Ugh, boys!

Is that the boy
you like, honeybunch?

If you think I'm discussing
that with you, Daddy,
you're nuts!

I already told Patti
she's on the committee.
She's very excited.

Great! Look, Beebe, I'll
help Skeet get his pictures,
then head to school.

What for?
Well, to get started.

I plan to work day and night
to have this dance ready.

Doug, you don't have to worry
about a thing. Patti and Guy
have it under control.

Patti and Guy?

Yeah! Guy's the other one
on the dance committee.
Isn't it great?

But Guy said
he didn't...

He isn't even
in our grade.
I know!

Isn't it great
to have an upperclassman
even think about helping?

But how... How...

How did we convince him?
It was easy.

We were sitting in
the office after lunch.

This dance is gonna be
so the opposite of cool!

Come on, Beebe.
Let's see if somebody
signed up during lunch.

Hey! What happened
to the list?

GUY: Looking for this, ladies?

Guy! Are you writing a story
for the school paper?

Writing? Well, here's
a real headline!

Guy Graham, upperclassman,
heads up dinky dance!

ALL: Wow!

Now, let's get down
to business, shall we?
Help me down.

I was on that list!

Well, Doug, you understand.
Guy has real accomplishments!

And he's friends
with my daddy.

But I know your dad!

Not like he does.
Fine young man.

See ya, Doug.

Home, Jenkins.

That's just perfect.

Don't worry, man.
Guy may have more
accomplishments now,

but you're gonna blow him
out of the water!

How do you mean?

When we show everybody
that monster.

Oh. Yeah.

Who's the cute baby?

Ooh, it's me.
Boy, that film must've been
in the camera a long time.

Skeet, are you really
sure you saw something
at the lake?

What do you mean, man?

You've been looking
for this monster
for months. Right?

And last night
you really wanted
to see it.

Maybe you only saw
a shadow or swamp gas
or something.

You do have a pretty
active imagination.

What's this?
Is this from
your Halloween party?

The monster!

I told you
there was a monster!
I told everybody!


Hoo-hoo! Yeah!

Oh, oh.
Let me see it again.

Skeeter, we're
gonna be famous!

This is the
biggest thing ever!

NARRATOR: When the biggest
thing ever happens...

"The biggest thing ever."

NARRATOR: Doug imagines
himself a superhero.

Daring enough to wear
his underwear over his pants.

"A big dance extravaganza."
Well, that does sound big.

I wonder if it's a trap.
"P.S. Not a trap."

Well, Quaildog,
as I always say, "If it's
in print, it must be true."


NARRATOR: And so that night,
Quailman rendezvouses
with a certain young woman.

Oh, Quailman, how nice of you
to invite me to this
big dance extravaganza.

Well, dancing with Quaildog,
while enjoyable, is not
my idea of a perfect evening.

Is everyone ready to dance?

Who are you?
Why are you clogging?

I mean...
Who are you?

I am the Lord of the Polka!

Care to dance?

Must dance.


Sorry, pal.
Full up.

Fortunately, patience
is the first quality
of the quail.

What the...


Looks like an uninvited guest
is trying to crash the party,

No time to lose.
Fly away!

NARRATOR: When danger calls,

there's one superhero
who's always there
to pick up the phone.

Part quail, part man,
all hero.

Quailman, and his
super pal, Quaildog.


the beast be stopped?

Surely, Quailman must come
to fisticuffs with
this fiend from the fathoms.

No, Mr. Narrator. Violence
is only for those who have
run out of good ideas!

We simply have
to speak reasonably
to this fearsome fellow.

Excuse me, large
lizard-like creature.

It's important for
you to see... (GASPS)


I don't like to make
snap judgments,

but it seems
this outsized outlaw
just ate me.

NARRATOR: Quailman eaten
like so many potato chips.


NARRATOR: Who will stop
the amphibious archfiend now?

Thinking quickly, Quaildog
turns the disco lights
into the eyes of the monster,

momentarily disorienting
the reptilian rowdy.

Next, his canine sixth sense,
combined with an extensive
knowledge of pop culture,

tells him the moment
is right.

He reroutes the signal
to intercept

the latest episode
of a corny teen sitcom
playing at that moment.

Dylan, how can I love you
when I'm really in love

with your other
personality, Rufus?

NARRATOR: Quaildog's
queasy quarry is no match
for this mindless mushfest.

The already reeling reptile
can't stomach it.


Ew! Pee-ew!

I try to be broad-minded,
but I can't sit idly by

and be digested
by some scaly scofflaw.

NARRATOR: Having learned
that the beastly beast
is impervious to reason,

Quailman has no choice
but to unleash the full force
of the Quaileye,

rendering his
amphibious adversary
helpless and stupefied.

Oh, Quailman,
you've saved us!

Well, that's over.
Wanna dance?

Forget it! Defeating
a monster is much cooler
than decorating for a dance.

No matter how bad
he smells!

Defeating a monster
is much cooler than
overseeing a dance.

No matter how bad
we smell.


Skeet, we can't
blow this now.

We've gotta find
that monster!

ELMO: What are we doing here?

Roger has gathered
the greatest minds
of Bluffington in one room.

Yes. My brother and I
have followed your work
in the field of...






You may wonder
why I gathered you here.


Bless you.
As you may know,

there is at this moment
a monster which threatens
our very way of life.

There is only one...

I'm sorry.
I didn't catch that one.

(COUGHING) Lamebrain.

Thank you.
As I was saying,

there is only one thing
that can save us
from certain destruction.

I present to you


Note the pincer claws
and X-ray eyes.

I've drawn myself
down here for scale.

Money is no object.

Gentlemen, you have
exactly 24 hours.


This is gonna make
working on the school
paper seem like

working on the school paper.

I don't know if we can
actually catch him.

After all, it's a monster.
Let's just get our bikes
before it gets dark.

Where are they?
They were right here.

Bike tracks.

Oh, yeah.
Right next to the big
webbed footprints!

BOTH: Oh, man!

SKEETER: You think the monster
actually ate our bikes, man?

Well, I don't think
he's riding them around
the bottom of the lake.


maybe we could use
Dale's tricycle for bait.

The monster will think
it's a snack?

I don't know, man.
I mean,

what if he doesn't
stop at metal?

What's to keep him
from eating us?

Can you get that?
I think I got milk up my nose.

PATTI: Oh, Doug.

I'm glad you're there.
I wanted to thank you.

Thank me?

I never would've thought of
signing up to work with Guy
if it weren't for you.

Oh, great. Look, Pat...
Did you hear the news?

Guy got Mr. Bluff to give us
money to have the dance at...

Are you ready for this?
Funky Town!

Funky Town.
That's, uh...

Patti, can we meet
and talk about this later?
Something just came up.

Sure, Doug.
How 'bout Swirly's
in an hour?

Swirly's. An hour.

I was thinking.
If that thing ate our bikes,
he might like cafeteria food.

He didn't eat them.

BOTH: Oh, man!

I guess somebody must've
brought them back.

Yeah. Somebody
with monster feet!

Oh! But...

I... I...
He's... In the house!

Come on. Looks like
the coast is clear.

Okay, let's go.

Let's go.
Okay, quiet.

Oh! Oh! Oh!


Oh, man!

No monsters here.

Shouldn't we go downstairs
and check your room?



We're, um,
coming downstairs!
Here we come!

SKEETER: Um, anybody here?

Oh, you can open it
if you want.

Go ahead.



Oh, man!

I'll go get
another flashlight.

I'll get it.
Where is it?

Oh, that's okay.
I know where it is.
Yeah, but I'm the guest.

The guest always gets
the spare flashlight!
That's etiquette, man.





Can't get down there.

Can't quite...
Hey, Doug, check under
the bed, would ya?


Yeah, now just look
under the bed.




Oh, my head!








Well, he thinks
my head fell off.

He looks
really upset.
He's so nice.

He's not scary
at all.



He must've sniffed out
where you live.

Wow! He can read!

Hey! This is a book!

You don't eat books!
That is a no.


That's nice.
Be nice to the book.

Wow. I think
you scared him, man.

I can't believe that.
He tried to eat
Herman Melville.

Hey, he looked.
Herman Melville?

He thinks it's his name.

You like that name?
Herman Melville?


Okay, monster,
from now on,
your name is...

BOTH: Herman Melville!


Put it there, Herman.
Huh? Oh!

He likes you, man!

Down, Herman, down!

Whew! Finding Herman
sure is a bigger deal
than working on some dance.

Yeah. Everybody thought
I was crazy. Are they ever
gonna be surprised!

No! Herman, bad!
No drinking out of the toilet!
So, who do we tell first?

Skeet, this is
front-page headlines.
We're gonna be famous.

We have to go right
to the top!


I hope
Mayor Tippi's home.

Knock again.
I just knocked.

Well, hello, boys.

You're just in time
to see something
absolutely fantastic!

But, Mr. Dink,
we've got a headline
for you to put in the paper.

Just a moment, Douglas.
Wait'll you get a load
of this! Virtual reality!


It's like we're standing
right in your living room.

But we are standing
in your living room.


Everything's right
where it is in real life,
down to the last detail.

It's exactly like being here,
only much more expensive.

BOTH: Wow!

Now, what are you boys
all excited about?

Is it too late to get
something in the paper?
The monster!

Whoa, slow down, boys.
I can't understand
what you're saying.

You're not gonna believe
what happened.
It all started...

That's quite a tale, boys.

Don't you believe us?

Well, it's just that...
People have been telling
tall tales about that forever!

You need
concrete evidence.

Should we show him now?

Show me what?

Mr. Dink,
meet Herman Melville.

The monster
of Lucky Duck Lake.


Hello, Bluffington Gazette?
This is Bud Dink.

Has tomorrow's edition
gone to press yet?
I have big news.

You mean to tell me
he came out of that
polluted lake?

DOUG: You bet!

Herman, don't eat that.

It's the story of
the century, Mayor Tippi.

This may be bigger news
than we think.

Bud, hang up.

If you wanna keep
Herman out of danger,
hang up that phone now.



Mayor Tippi,
are we gonna tell people
about Herman Melville?

If we call the newspaper,
owned by Bluffco,
and tell them

we've got a story
that Bill Bluff is a polluter,
someone will kill the story.

And let's say it won't
be good for Herman either.


DOUG: So you're saying
we can't tell anybody?

SKEETER: No, Herman.
Use this.

No, we just have
to tell them in a way
that Mr. Bluff can't stop.

We have to call a
citywide press conference,
make a big splash!

That's a great idea.

But until then we can't tell
anybody about Herman Melville
for his sake.

Can you boys keep him
absolutely secret till

No problem!

I'll have the press
come here tomorrow.

Meanwhile, tonight,
we better keep him close by.

We can keep him next door
at my house.

We just have to figure out
how to keep people
from seeing him.

I think I have
just the thing!

What is going on?


Judy Funnie, I don't care
if you want to rehearse
your plays at home,

but please,
muddy flippers off the carpet.

Oh, she's... It's not
Judy's fault, Mom. It's mine.
I'll be down to clean it up.

Wow! Sounds like Doug's
learning some responsibility.

Oh, our little man!

Made it! Phew!


Be quiet.

Doug, is something
the matter up there?

Everything's fine, Dad.

SKEETER: It's nothing,
Porkchop. See?



The one time in your life
you decide to act
like a real dog!

Sometimes it takes pets
a while to get used
to monsters.

Somebody puked?

Judith Funnie,
I don't think
that's very nice!

The least you could do
is help him clean up
your mess!

My mess?
My mess?

My mess. Oh, my mess.
What's gotten into her?

Oh, you know... Judy.

Can I call my parents,
Mrs. Funnie?
It's gettin' kind of late.

Late? What time is...
Oh, no! Patti!

I was supposed to
meet her at Swirly's.
Gotta go!

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

DOUG: I took every
shortcut I could think of
to get to Swirly's.

And even some
I shouldn't have.


Huh? Perfect.


DOUG: I was late, looked
like mud and smelled
like monster.

But I knew I'd done
the right thing.

And I was hoping Patti
would understand.

Yeah, she was here
a long time.

She looked kind of upset.

Then she left with a guy
who kept talking about
his big plans for some dance.

Ah! Thank you.

GUY: I see spotlights,
dozens of them.
Every color of the rainbow.

Huge spinning hearts.
It'll be big, big, big!

Wow, that is big.

We're a great team.
Do you know that?
DOUG: Hey, guys.

How did you get in here?
Bought a ticket.

Patti, can I talk
to you alone?

We're a little
busy right now, Doug.
What is it?

I came to apologize for
being so late to Swirly's.

I had a good reason.
Something happened.

But I can't
explain it now.

Couldn't get permission
from your mommy?

Come on, Patti.
We don't have time
for this little kid stuff.

We have proof Mr. Bluff's
polluting the lake.

That's why I...
Hold it right there.

Listen, pal, if I were you,
I wouldn't go around
saying stuff you can't prove.

Well, I've got proof!

What proof?
I can't say.

Right! Well, you better
watch yourself.

Mr. Bluff got us
into Funky Town
to have a dance.

If he hears you've
been shootin' your mouth off,

we might be stuck dancing
in the school parking lot!

PATTI: What's
the matter with that?

If Doug's right, isn't
the truth more important

than having the dance
at Funky Town?

I haven't heard
any truth, for one!

People have been
saying dumb stuff
like that for years.

You'll see tomorrow.
It's gonna be big, big,
big, big news!

Patti, in the meantime,
I just came by to tell you

I'm sorry I was late,
but you'll see why

See ya, Doug.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.
Nothing, babe.

I'll be right back.
Gotta make a call.

So I told Coach Spitz
I'm not allowed to sweat.

And he looked at me
really mean.

Then he says
to give him five laps.

Can I sue him, Daddy?

This better
be important!

Yes, Guy?

A picture of what?

Of what?


I talked to Mayor Tippi.

The news conference
is tomorrow night
in her front yard.

This will be so great.
I have to make sure
Patti comes.

Then she'll understand
about Swirly's. I wonder
what shoes I should wear.

You boys are up awful late.
Telling scary stories?

Oh, kind of, Mr. Funnie.

Holler if you want me to check
under the bed for monsters.




My parents are gone
all day, Herman.
You stay here.

We'll be back
after school, okay?

We gotta do something
about Porkchop, man.

If he doesn't chill out,
the police are gonna come.

Yeah, he's going nuts.

Porkchop, no!

I want you to be nice
to Herman Melville.

I think we've all
learned something here.

I think I like
the barking better.

Our people have located
monster tracks
coming toward town.

We have agents
in the air, on the ground
and one is underwater.

Not good enough!
We have to find
that monster now!

It must be crushed!

That was my lunch, sir.

PATTI: A press conference?

Whatever you found
must be important, Doug.

Trust me. It's happening
on the Dinks' lawn.

We've sort of got something
in the house we can't show
anybody, but will you come?

I'm pretty busy with...

Sure, Doug, of course.

I'm glad you trust me
about this after I...

You know, Swirly's.
Forget it, Doug.

Just don't do it again
or I'll brain ya!

You'll find out everything
tonight, Patti.
It'll all make sense.

Gotta run. See ya.

Should I bring Guy?

Why do you wanna bring him?

Since it's news,
and he is head of the
school newspaper and all.

Sure, bring Guy.

I hope
Herman Melville's okay.

Don't worry. He's safe
with Porkchop. Besides,
nobody knows he's there.

Mr. Bluff, they found it!
They found the monster.

Some kid's house.
We surrounded it.

Good! Very good!


Move it! Go!



I wonder who's car that is
in front of your house?

Probably just
some reporter.

Around the back.
I don't see anything.


Prepare to move in.
Check. Ready?

All right, freeze!

Hey, ready to be on TV?

Okay, hand over
the monster.

Wrong garage, I'm afraid.
No monsters here.


Sir, I think we have
the wrong house.

He says he has something
inside his house?

Huh? Really? Sure, I think
I can come. Just have to make
a phone call, babe.

Look at the bright side,
Mr. Bluff.

It's not so much like they got
the wrong house as much
as they eliminated a house.

No monster here.

What time?

Looks like our monster's
comin' to us.

Call our guys
down at the press,
and get a few trucks.

I'd like to thank you all
for coming this afternoon.

Lot of reporters out there.
This is gonna be so great!

I don't know, man.

What's the matter?

I got a funny feeling
about this.

Maybe we should forget
about the whole thing.

Are you kidding?
You wanna stop now?

I don't know, I'm asking.

Wouldn't it be safer
for Herman if we took
him to the lake

and forgot all this?

Take him back?
But... You mean...

Uh, we had a monster.

But we let him go!

Sure did, no lie.

What a pair of liars!

BOTH: Huh?

I told ya!
Now kiss me.

No, Skeet.
We gotta do this, 'cause
it's the right thing to do.

You just had a fantasy
about Patti, didn't you?

No. Well, kind of.

You always get
that blurry look.

But do you really want
everyone to think

you either were crazy
or lying all this time

when you said
there was a monster?

They'll never believe you
if you don't show them Herman.

I guess you're right.
Well, better get out there.

See you in a minute,

I'd like to introduce
Mosquito Valentine,

who'll tell you the story
in his own words.


Thank you, Mayor Tippi.





Sorry. Always wanted
to do that on TV.

Four months ago,
I was fishing

at Lucky Duck Lake...

This is pointless. We should
be working on the dance.

Shouldn't you be here
anyway? After all, you're
head of the school paper.

I couldn't get this story
in the paper if I tried.

What do you mean?

We have this dinky, little
crank mimeo machine.

It takes two weeks
to get the news out.
It's ancient history by then.

If I want a story to come out
on time, I have to write it
before it happens.

That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard of.

She made it!
Patti made it!

See, Herman,
that's her.

The one with the yellow hair.
That's her! That's Patti!

I can't wait to take you
out there and

show you.

Hmm, that's funny.

The speech is supposed
to be going out live,

but it's not
on any of the channels.


What are you
so fidgety for?

Nothing. Nothing.

It was here that I first
had contact with the monster.

And so, let me reveal
our discovery,
which will prove

once and for all
that there is a monster.

Hey, watch it,

SKEETER: And now, I guess
it's time to talk about what
happened at my house.

My friend, Doug Funnie,
with an "I-E,"
will help me.

Hey, Doug!

All right!
He's comin'.

Well, I'd like to say, um...


Something's not right.
I think we made a big mistake.

Mr. Funnie, is this
your idea of a joke?

No, that's not what I...
I'm not saying...

I'm sorry. I gotta go now.

I knew it!
Sea monsters! Right.

I can't believe it.
What a major
con artist!

(SIGHS) I can't believe
you dragged me
to this joke!

PATTI: I'm really sorry
about this, Guy.

I had no idea
Doug would lie like that.

Wait! Stop!
There he is!

Can I just have a word
with you, please?
Let me just...



Well, it's about time.
Okay, let's see it.

May we present...


You lamebrains!
It's dinky.
Didn't you look at my plan?

It's supposed to be
this big compared to me.



You dipsticks! This is wrong!
Change me back!

Change me back now!

Can we do that?
BOTH: Mmm-mmm?

What happened, Doug?
Why didn't you tell 'em
about the monster?

What's going on?

He's trying to thank you
for saving him, man.

Well, tell him
to stop it.



Your head itch, Herman?
No, he means Patti.

And he's right.
She must think
I'm a big liar now.

You did the right thing, Doug.
I'm proud of you.

I've been tellin' people
all year there was
a monster in the lake.

They thought I was
making it up. Now they'll
never believe me.

Bill Bluff is going
to stop at nothing.

We know that now.
We have to do what's right.

Even if everybody thinks
we're big, fat liars?

You boys don't want anything
to happen to Herman.

And I know
you wouldn't want to make
yourselves look good

if it would hurt him.

Right, boys?
BOTH: Right.

You have to do the right thing
no matter what people think.

Eventually, the truth
will come out.

What do you say we have
some of Bud's famous
leftover meat loaf?

BUD: Now you're talkin'.
Let's go, boys.

What kind of loser nerds
can't even build
a stinkin' robot right?

Where did they put
that pile of junk?

Ah! My room!

What happened
to my room?

You don't expect me to leave
that atrocious mess, do you?

Now, let's change out
of that beastly outfit

and into something
more presentable.


It's only a matter of time.
They have to leave the house

And when they do, bam!
We strike.

Daddy, what are you
talking about?

baseball, princess!

That game has dirt!

Please don't talk about it
when I'm eating.

Of course, Beebe doll.
Whatever you say.

♪ Lullaby
ROGER: Stop it!

♪ And good night
Please, stop it!

♪ Sleep is softly
around you
Oh, my back!

You gotta stop singin'.
♪ Lay you down now

♪ And rest... ♪
It's only 8:30.

No, no.


Oh, there.

I'm gonna get those guys!

DOUG: The next morning,
I left for school early.

I wanted to explain things
to Patti as soon as I could.

But I kind of got
this creepy feeling.

The ducks are on
the pond. The ducks
are on the pond.


DOUG: I didn't know what
it was exactly, but
I kind of felt

like somebody
was watching me.


Happy Valentine's
Day, Beebe.

Sorry, I don't take valentines
from lie-y lieface liars!

Oh, man.

We're movin' in.

Move. Move!

Move it! Move!

Up, up. Go! Up!

Freeze, sea beast!

What the...

Well, as mayor,

I mean, principal,
I am honored to welcome

this new exchange student
to our illustrious school.

What's her name?

Well, Principal White...

Principal White?

Hmm. Why does that name
sound so familiar?

No, it's Herman...
(MUMBLES) Nooniny.

Ah, what
a beautiful name.
Herman Nanoo-Niny.

Welcome to our school,
young foreign person.

Vote for me.

What did she say?
Thanks. She said thanks.

I want everyone
to let their emotions
flow onto the canvas.

Hermione, no!

That's dirty.

Hermione, remarkable work!

So primitive!
So free!


Hermione, no!



PATTI: Look at Doug
with that cute girl.


BOY: Ah!
Girl in the boys' room!

GIRL: Don't you just love
her clothes? So retro.

What do you call the perfume?
"Pollution"? Is that new?
You're too cool.

GIRL: Can I ask you
if that's, like, real, or
or mousse in your hair?


Uh, Patti,
I have to talk to you.

Thanks for
the Valentine, Doug!

What Valentine?

Oh! I'm sorry.
I've been busy...
So I see.

I wanna tell you something,
but you can't tell anybody.

We found the
Lucky Duck Lake monster.

That's why I didn't come
to Swirly's the other night.

Where are you going?

I'm not gonna stand
here and be lied to.

I'm not blind.
I know who you're really
spending your time with.

What are you
talking about?

That Hermione girl
you've been hangin'
around with all day.

That's who I'm talking about!

Then why don't you act
like a grown-up

and just say you're
hanging out with her now?

But I'm not!
Well, I am,
but I'm not really...

Oh, really?
I saw you all over her
in the cafeteria.

Come on, Patti.
She's not even a girl.

I know you think
I must be dumb because
I believed that monster stuff.

But I hope you don't think
I'm that gullible, Doug!

Hello, kids.
Oh, Doug.

I see you're still
pestering Patti.

Sorry. We have to get
to Funky Town.

See ya, Doug.



I thought it over.

We can't take him
to our houses anymore.
It isn't safe.

See ya, Hermione.
See ya tomorrow!

There's only one thing
left to do.

We have to get him
back to the lake
before Mr. Bluff gets him.

I'll take him there now.

Get your camping gear
and meet us.

Whatever. Okay.

Come on, Doug.
We gotta do this, man.

DOUG: Yeah, I know.


DOUG: I thought it had been
the worst day of my life,

but I was wrong.

Things hadn't even started
to get bad yet.

Sure is cold tonight.

Herman, can you hand me
some wood?

Well, we're back
where we started.

Only everyone thinks we're
liars and Patti hates me.

But other than that,
yes, we're right back
where we started.

Well, at least
Herman Melville
will be free.


Did you hear something?

DOUG: Yeah.
Over there.

What is it?

I guess those guys
were in a hurry
the other night.

No, Herman!

Too big.
Little sticks.

Tiny, little...

Maybe we better get him
back in the water.

This is it, buddy.
Time to get in the water.

Come on. Come on,
back in the water.

Come on!
What's the matter?


Maybe he'll go in
if we swim with him.
Take off your pants.

Me? You take off
your pants.

It's too cold anyway.
Just pretend. Here we go.
We're gonna go swimming!

Come on, buddy.
Swimming, yeah!

Yeah, great idea.

Come on. Don't you
want to swim with us?


Ow! Hey!

Herman, what are you doing?

You hurt Doug.

Stop it, you big fish!
I'm glad we're
getting rid of you.

You're bad news!

You lost me
the only person
I ever cared about.

And now I wish...

Wow! No wonder
he didn't want us
to go in there.

I knew it was polluted,
but not that bad.
Mayor Tippi was right.

He can't go back there.

I think you hurt
his feelings, man.

I'm sorry. Thanks for
saving us, Herman.

He can't go back in
that lake, man!

What are we gonna
do with him?

I think
I can answer that.

Run, Herman!

MAN: Cut him off!

Go, go, go!


MAN: He's down!
BOTH: Herman!

Leave him alone!

This'll knock him out
for a while.

Get him out of here.

You can't do this!

Quiet! I don't want to hear
anything from you.

If I hear one more peep,
it's gonna... You're gonna
be so... Bob?

It won't be pretty for you.

Right. You boys decided you
were gonna make me look bad.

I have friends
at your school.

You boys could be
in middle school
for a long time to come.

If you know
what's good for ya,

you'll forget everything
that happened here tonight.

What do we do now?

We gotta stop him. I don't
care if I'm in middle school
the rest of my life!

Me neither!
Let's go.

I just hope I don't have
to keep taking band.

What I'm saying is,
sure Superman's stronger
than Batman,

but Batman's got
superior technology.

Say my donut's


What is it, boys?

They've kidnapped
our friend!


Take a left.


OFFICER: There must
be some mistake.

This is Bill
Bluff's house.

He's the one!
He kidnapped our friend!

Hey, boys, that's
a serious charge.

We're telling the truth.
You have to hurry.

They're going to kill him
if we don't do something.


Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Bluff.

What seems to be
the problem, Officer?

Um, these boys seem
to think you know where
their friend is.

What does this friend
of yours look like, boys?

You know what he looks like.
He's this tall, and
he's slimy and scaly.

It's the monster
from the lake.

What are you two
trying to pull?
Now, now, Officer.

I was a kid, too.

But I assure you, I'm not
hidin' any scary monsters
in here.

Why, Beebe
wouldn't allow it.

Except for some of the boys
she goes out with.


But, Mr. Officer...

Maybe you boys
better go back to bed.
But we...

That's enough.
Let's get you boys home.
Sorry to bother you.

Don't mention it. Hmm.

One potato, two potato,
three potato...




Oh, sir.
What the...

Don't touch that.

Okay. Mr. Bluff,
they're waiting
for your word,

and they'll, uh...
Dispose of
the monster.

I don't know.
Those kids have got
people suspicious.

If this gets out, let's just
say I don't need any more
bad press.

It's a fish, right?

Whenever we had a fish
go belly up...

Down the toilet.

Nobody's the wiser.
Need a big toilet
for a fish that size.

I know where to get
a big toilet.

What's a toilet like
that gonna cost?
Less than you think.

Enough! Here's what
we're gonna do.

Instead of keepin' this quiet,
we're gonna tell everybody!

You feeling all right?

Boys, this is our chance
to stop this bad press
once and for all.

We're not just gonna
get rid of him.

Bill Bluff is gonna save
the town from this monster.

DOUG: That night
I couldn't sleep.

My brain wouldn't shut up.

You boys could be in
middle school for a long time.

I know you think I must
be dumb because I believed...

I think you hurt
his feelings.

We might be stuck dancin'
in the school parking lot.

Seeing a monster is cooler...

If you know what's good for
you, you'll forget everything
that happened here tonight.

Guy has real accomplishments,
and he's friends with my dad.

I know your dad.

Not like he does!


DOUG: The next morning
it dawned on me.

I was using Herman
to try to impress Patti.

I wasn't thinking about
what would happen to him
until it was too late.

Now I had a chance
to try to save him.
My last chance.

There was only one person
that could help me get through
to Mr. Bluff.

It was about time
to swallow my pride.

Have you seen Guy?

Yeah. I think I saw him
in the news office.


DOUG: At least he had
been there.


DOUG: That's when I saw it.

Oh, no!

I've been lookin' for ya
everywhere, man.

What is it, man?

On the screen.
Next week's Weekly Beebe.

SKEETER: "Monster Destroyed.

"Bill Bluff a Hero."
We're too late.

Herman's dead.

This stinks.
Everything stinks.
They killed Herman.

This stinks!

"Night of fun
turns into night of terror

"when monster
rampages through school
Valentine dance."

"The horrible monster was
blasted into smithereens,
thus saving the dance

"organized by cool
upperclassman Guy Graham."

Of course, he had
to mention his dance.

Wait, that's...
The dance isn't
until tonight!

What was I thinking?
Of course.

Guy wanted to make sure
this was in next week's paper.

This isn't what they did.
This is what they're
going to do!

Mayor Tippi!


BUD: Uh, Dink residence.

Oh, hello, Douglas.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Bluff asked Tippi to fill
in for him at a charity
function in Boatsburg.

Can I connect you to
our very expensive voice mail?

Let's see.
You press two...

No, that's okay, Mr. Dink.

Mr. Bluff even got
to Mayor Tippi.
She's out of town.

What are we gonna do, man?
We've only got a few hours.

We're gonna get
some real help.

The police?
Even better.


BOTH: Hello. Sleech residence.

DOUG: We only have
a few hours left.

We have to save a life,
so it's important
we get everything right.

Here's the deal.

I've got it!

Four, seven, two, nine.
And a half.


DOUG: Well, that's it.

We better get going,
and hope we get it right.

Wait a minute. Oh, no!
What is it?

Even if we get
Herman Melville free, what
are we gonna do with him?

We can't take him back
to the lake.

That's right.
It's totally polluted.


What is it, Porkchop?

I believe your canine friend
is pointing to something
on the map.

Hmm? Porkchop,
you're a genius!

What is it?

Funky Town is next to
Lucky Duck Lake, but the back
exit leads to Crystal Lake.

That's where
we're taking Herman.

We know what to do.
Let's go.

8:14. Ready?
And, mark.

What did you just push?

This cool light.

Ah! Joey cucamonga!

Give me a heart attack,
why don't ya?

I brought you this.

That jacket
may be fashionable,

but it's certainly
not warm enough.


♪ Deep, deep water
Firmer I will stand

♪ Deep, deep water
And be who I am... ♪

The area is secured.
Is target visible?

Are all our men in position?

Why aren't you
boys dancing?

Duh... You mean,
with a girl?

I'm eatin' snacks.
I have to go
to the bathroom.


Oh, man!

This is good punch,
eh, Elmo?

Excuse me,
Mr. Guard, sir.

I'm expecting a truck
to come from Bluffco
in a few minutes.

No, no trucks
due tonight.

You sure there's not
one parked nearby,
gonna pull up at 8:30?

Kind of big?
Smells fishy?

No? Maybe I'll
just wait and see.

I got royally jinxed!

I demand you make
this thing leave me alone!

No problem, Roger.
Why didn't you ask?

Robocrusher, 46-21.

Oh! Oh.

it's about time!


Phase one complete.


Nice jacket?

Yeah, right.

Hey, lookin'
for someone?
Guy, you scared me!



Are you sure
nothing's supposed
to show up around 8:30?

From Bluffco?

Nope. They made their
delivery hours ago.


Nobody's dancing.
Maybe we should go out
and break the ice.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

Only, let's wait
a couple of minutes.

Because I said so!
Uh, I mean,
let's just wait.

Over here, please.

Herman's already here.


They've already got
Herman here someplace.
Look around quick!


He must be right
in the middle
of everything!

In the middle?

COMMANDER: Stand by.
Wait for it.

The heart!
Oh, Guy.

DOUG: I had to make
the hardest decision
of my life.

Going after Patti,
or saving Herman.

Just in time, sir.
We're just about
to break the heart.

What is he doing?

H-hour is approaching.
Hold your fire!

Get these kids out of the way!

No, Herman! Stay!

Stay! Come on, Skeet.
Let's get him out of here.

Ooh! I'm a monster.

It's over there.
It's over there!

Go, go, go!


SKEETER: I think we're
ready. Get the wig.

Okay, okay.

DOUG: Come on, Herman.

My goodness!
A crazed monster!

Thank goodness I alerted
Mr. Bluff's agents

in time to protect
the citizens of Bluffington.

Coming through.
Coming through.

Approach with caution.
Approach with caution.

What the...



So, Funnie,
take this.

Take him!

What is it?

Looks like
clean underwear, sir.



Here you go, Herman.
It's clean water.
Go. Go!

This is it. You have to go.
Hurry before they get here.

This is your new home!

Not now, Herman.
Not now. Huh?

There it is!

All right!

Go, Herman, go!

MAN: Watch it!

Where is it?
The monster's
in the lake, Mr. Bluff.

Ten miles long
and five miles wide.

You're welcome
to start looking.

You two must think
you're pretty smart!

We'll see how smart you are
when I get through with you.

From now on,
I will dedicate
every wakin' hour

to makin' the rest
of your days

a livin', writhing,
pain-wracked nightmare!

BEEBE: Daddy,
knock it off!

But, sugar pie,
I was just tryin'...

Doug and Skeeter
are my friends,
such as they are.

If you have something
to tell them, please
discuss it with me.

But, Beebe-kins,
honey, I...

Bill, I think you should
discuss your pollution
problems with me.

Mayor Dink!
Yes, of course.


It's cold out here.
Shouldn't you kids
be inside dancing?

Patti, I've been
trying to call you.

Looks like
you were busy.

This? This is what we
disguised the monster in.

Not that again.

But it's true.
See, he was...

He was like a friend to us.
He was so great.

I wanted to tell you
more than anybody,
but I couldn't.

I didn't want
to put you in danger,
or get him into trouble...

Are you okay, Patti?

Herman! What are you...



I'm glad you came back.
I forgot.

I brought you something.
Remember this?
Herman Melville's works?

It's not only a memento,
it's a tasty snack
in case you get hungry.

No, it's good!
I tried it.
You were right.

Mmm, yummy.

What is it, Herman?
Is something the matter?

Did... Did you
pick this for me?
Is it for Skeeter?


DOUG: Patti?




I think I've got
something in my eye.

Who gave you that?

How could you?

Oh, please. All this fuss
over a big, stinky lizard?
I may throw up.

We're outta here.
You comin' or what?

You're outta here.

Good-bye, Herman.

I hope you like
your new home.
And I'll miss you.


I'll miss you,
too, man.

You're my friend.

ALL: See ya.

I can't believe I let Guy
fool me like that.

Sorry I didn't
trust you, Doug.

None of it would have
ever happened if I hadn't
been trying to impress you.

What, Doug?
Sounds like the dance
started again.

What were you
going to say?

Well, I...
Hey! Psst! Funnie!


Just a second.
Every time I get a chance...

I just want to thank you
and the guys for getting rid
of my, uh, robot problem.

That's okay.
No problem, Roger.

Thanks, man.
You're a...

ROBOCRUSHER: There you are!

You forgot your jacket.

Roger? Roger?


Well, maybe we could...
Should check out
this dance, huh?

Or not.
Okay. Cool.

We can hear the music
from here.

Oh. So you just
wanna listen?


Oh! You mean, you...

Do you... Would you...


What are you
thinkin' about,
Skeet Skeet?


But look.
Doug and Patti
are dancing.

Doesn't that give you
any ideas?

Mmm... Um... No?

Skeeter Valentine,
dance me!

DOUG: So, journal,
that was Valentine's Day.

Up to the last minute,
I worried that everyone,

especially Patti, would
think I was a big loser.

But like Mayor Tippi said,
it's important to do
the right thing,

no matter what
anyone else thinks.

And maybe because
we followed her advice,

things are a little better
in Bluffington.

Mr. Bluff volunteered
to clean up Lucky Duck Lake.

And Patti and I danced
on the dock under the moon
for quite some time.

I wouldn't have minded
if it had gone on forever.

♪ Me, someone like me

♪ She wants someone like me

♪ There's a dream
she's willin' to trust

♪ To somebody just like me

♪ And me, she sat by me

♪ Said it ends suddenly

♪ Every doubt just
crumbled to dust

♪ Felt my heart bursting free

♪ Knowing I'm someone

♪ Over time she'll see

♪ As the kind of someone

♪ Someone

♪ Who's made to a T

♪ Someone like me

♪ I'm gonna be someone

♪ Hoping secretly... ♪