Doug Stanhope: No Refunds (2007) - full transcript

Not all stand-up comedy is spot-cleaned and pre-packaged for the masses. Like the legends who were born out of smokey, booze-soaked nightclubs of decades past, Doug Stanhope spews his own brand of moral outrage in an unmatched style that borders on self-destruction. Nothing is sacred, no subject off-limits and most importantly nothing is contrived. From critically acclaimed appearances at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to regular appearances on The Howard Stern Show, Stanhope always shows an intelligence and brutal honesty in his comedy, no matter how viciously graphic or unsettling the material may be. Taped live at the Gotham Comedy Club, this appearance is an unflinching look at one of the few voices left standing in the dark, punk-rock underbelly of stand-up comedy.

New York is baffling
in that it's a city

that prides itself
on being an absolute shithole.

I say, there's nothing
good here

and people are proud of that.

They're happy.

(feigned laughter)

Oh, it's overpriced
and it's overpopulated.

And it stinks like piss,
and comics,

comics film specials here.

And they all open
with a joke about,

"Yeah, I spend $8,000 a month
for nine square feet."

And you go, "Why don't you
fucking leave here?

Why do people stay here?"

But, unfortunately,
this is where comedy works,

where people
are the most miserable.

I'd rather be filming a special

on a beach in Costa Rica
at a tiki bar right now,

but they
don't need comedians.

They're already smiling.

They're already happy,

So that's why I'm doing
this special here,

'cause it's the last fucking
place I want to be.

Captioning sponsored by

I'm going to be smoking
through this whole set.

(cheering and applause)

Because that's...

that's one of the loopholes
in the, uh, law.

They keep the... in the smoking
bans, they keep...

"if it's part
of a theatrical production,"

a loophole in the law,

'cause they don't want
to fuck up

some faggy Tennessee Williams

and ruin the integrity
of the show.

So they leave this fucking
loophole open for me.


If-if the cigarette bothers you
because you're envious,

vote next time.

How about that? Vote.

Yeah, every now and then

figure out what the fuck's
going on in your community.

I know you don't vote,
you got shit to do.

Leave it to old people
with breathing problems

who will never come here.

This whole fucking generation
is so unbelievably sad.

If you're just getting to, like,
partying age, you're fucked.

There's nothing going on in this
country anymore.

It's done.

Last call.

It's just a suck generation.

It's the most boring,
fucking generation

in the history of people.

It's all dumbed down and wadded.

When's the last time you heard

stories about
rock and roll bands

chucking TVs out
of hotel windows

or any of that shit that,

that used to be... fun?

Like, there was fun
in the world.

I-I-I... some of this is going
to make me sound

like a grumpy old fuck,
and I am,

but I have,
I have just cause.

This... there's nothing...

As people get older,

the older you get,
the more bitchy you get,

and you-you, (grumbles)
'cause that's just natural.

The more you've done shit,
the more jaded you get.

But I think we're going to be

the first generation
of old people...

as soon as someone gets old,

they complain
about the new kids.

"Oh, these kids today,
look, they're crazy."

It's always that the new...

It used to be always
that the new generation

was too deviant,
these kids are out of control.

They're crazy, they're immoral.
Look at what they're doing.

"In our day,
if we wanted fun,

"we just went to a barn dance,

"and we didn't even finger fuck

"till we were, like,
35 years old.

But these kids today."

It was always
that the new generation

was over the top,
and we're going to be

the first generation
of elderly people

but in the opposite fashion.

Where we're going,
"Look at these

"kids today,
these half-faggots.

"We used to do crank off
of titty dancers and shit.

"No one got hurt,
we had a lot of fun.

"We got some good stories
and herpes out of the deal.

"It was a fucking good time.

The blisters bring me back."

These pussies,
they drink

a Red Bull for some pep.

And they'd prefer if you went

on the patio
for a cigarette.

The closest they come
to a fistfight

is on a message board


"You looking at my girl?

"I'm going to delete you
from my MySpace friends.

You got some 'block user'
in your future, faggot."

They're about to start
piss testing

for adrenaline
in the workplace.

That's how sad
this country's gotten.

Shaking your urine
in front of you.

"Is that yours, Donnie?

"It looks a little cloudy.
Have you been having

"fun on the weekend?

"Are we not enough fun for you

"here at the Verizon Wireless

You need to seek it

I don't think
you're a team player."

That's why I love hearing
people go,

"Oh, that town,
that's like 20 years

behind the times,
that fucking place."

Book me there.

I had fun 20 years ago.

What, I can still smoke indoors?

Ecstasy is still pure,
uncut and readily available?

Oh, shit, what cavemen
they must be.

The only drugs that
are even popular anymore

are all the...
dummy drugs,

all the drugs
that make you more boring.

All the mood stabilizer,

Everyone's got
some mental disorder

they've been diagnosed with,

and they take
a fucking pill.

They push them on me
all the time.

I've ruined so many

'cause, you know,
'cause I think.

I fucking think
all the time, sorry.

"Oh, jeez, oh, you, you...

It's ADD."

No, it's not ADD,
I'm thinking.

I'm thinking
about a lot of stuff.

That's not ADD.

Yeah, I stutter a lot
and I fuck stuff up, but I'm...

That's 'cause I'm always

"Well, you're not listening
to me."

'Cause I'm thinking
about something

that's more interesting
than you!

I'm trying to build

a perfect Utopian society
in my head,

and what are you
talking to me about?

Bowling or what?

And I do,
I have a head

that won't shut the fuck up.

That's where
the ideas come from.

Do you have a head like that?

Do you have the brain
that just won't

shut the fuck up
all the time?


You learn to work with it.

Did you ever try to do this?

I tried this in July
in Tucson, Arizona,

and, uh, failed miserably.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

You ever try to do that?

It's completely impossible!

I tried.

I've got a meeting
at 6:30 in the morning.

I've got a flight to L.A.
for a meeting

so I'm trying
to be responsible.

And I'm just laying there
in the hotel.

There's no people or
conversations; no distractions.

Sober and no television,
just your head on a pillow.

1:00 a.m., 2:00 a.m.,

'Cause that's when the carnival
kicks into high gear.

(singing carnival music)

"You're almost 40 years old,
you fucking loser.

"How long you going to do this?
How long you just going

"to get drunk and amuse
shitheads for a living?

"Well, there must be something
that rhymes with orange.

Lorenge, smorange, porange..."

This fucking music
is playing in there,

and it always sucks.

* We didn't start the fire.

"Shut the fuck up!

"I've got to go to bed!

Three more hours,
I've got to sleep!"

My ex-wife is in there.

"You never took me
to the Botanical Garden.

"It was always about you,
you fucking megalomaniac.

You never cared.
I was dying of loneliness."

* It was always burning
since the world was turning. *

"Shut the fuck up!

I've got to sleep."

I'm not taking fucking
medication for it.

That's also where
the ideas come from.

I'll just pour some alcohol
on that when it happens

and try to even it out.

You work with your problems.

Fucking everyone's
taking pills just

'cause they're afraid
of standing out or...

"I was terrified
when my doctor told me that

"I had a unique and interesting
personality trait.

"But then he told me
about new Zoloft or Prozac.

"And I just
take three pills a day,

"and I blend
into this fucking

"horrible, inbred,
corporate landscape,

and I don't care."


They'll legalize any drug,

so long as that drug
keeps you producing.

That's all they give a shit
about, is production.

You kicking out enough boxes
at the plant,

well, go, whatever
keeps you doing that.

Keeps you vaguely content
sitting in a cubicle.

Go ahead, FDA-approved.

"I have a job where I
alphabetize insurance forms

"45 hours a week,
and I noticed

"I couldn't concentrate
so well on my job.

"So my doctor put me
on Adderall,

"and now I can just breeze
through my workday.

"I don't even notice
that my empty life

"is being pissed away

"underneath fluorescent tubes.

"I have no highs or lows.

"I have no good stories.
I'm just...

"But I'm getting
a lot of stuff done.

"I'm probably the most boring
person I know,

"but look at me produce.

"I just go A-B-C-D-E-F-G,


(singsong gibberish)

You don't fucking take
a pill for that.

You're not concentrating
'cause that's fucking boring,

and that's
a natural reaction.

It's boring. Don't concentrate.

Find another way.

You got to make a living.

You got bills to pay?

Buy less shit
and find some fun.

Suck a dick.
You gotta pay bills,

suck a dick.

I'm talking to you
in particular,

'cause you're close.


Spin around a brass pole
a few times, whatever.

Say you saw the Virgin Mary

in a grilled cheese sandwich
and sell that shit on eBay.

There's a grift in the system.

There's always a scam.

You don't have to do it just
'cause your guidance counselor

told you you'd excel at it.

Fuck 'em over.

This country is so bereft
of imagination anymore.

So fucking... those pills,

probably have
a lot to do with it.

"I was a real slut
when I was a younger girl.

"I slept with a lot of guys.

"And it's not something
that I'm proud of.

"But I'm in therapy now,

"and my therapist put me
on Wellbutrin and Effexor.

"And she explained to me
through our sessions,

"the reason
I was so promiscuous.

"I come from a military family.

"So I didn't have a stable male
role model in my life.

"I have a low self-esteem,
'cause I'm a little bit chunky.

"And I try to compensate
for that by having sex

with a lot of different men."

Maybe you just like the cock!

Is that possible?

Is that possible
that's why you slept around?

You like a fucking
purple meat hammer

whaling in and out
of your fucking

untrimmed, winter-ready
New York sludge pot?

And that's fantastic.

Take some cock.

There's nothing wrong with it.

It's free fun,
that's what it's there for.

Jeez, don't take a pill.
Take the cock.

It's, it's there for that.

Maybe your clitoris
is there for a reason.


Clit's there to attract
a fucking pork sausage.

It's one equal right
you'll never get.

You'll have every equal right

in the world,
and you'll...

Women-- not you specifically--
get over yourself.

I'm talking,
women will never have

the same equal right
as men do to just...

You can't sling pussy
without shame attached.

You'll be, you'll be
Hillary Clintons,

and you'll get equal pay,
but you want to go fuck

like this guy fucks
on a weekend?

He gets high fives,
you get


They have to keep
some shame involved.

I won't pick on you just
because you're in the front.

That doesn't matter.
But I'm making a point.

And-and I know it sounds
base or coarse, but...

the reason that you can't
do that as women...

pussy really is
the main motivating factor

in all of humankind.

It really is.

It's what gets shit built.

I'm not, I'm not,
"Yeah for pussy."

I'm not, I'm not...

This is a flaw in the system.

Don't clap for it.

I'm saying, that's the...

they know that is a catalyst,
and that's why

religion and government
have to control

supply and demand of pussy.

And they do that
by heaping shame upon you

should you want
to give away more than

the federally allocated

recommended daily allowance
of pussy.

"Oh, she wants to suck
more than one dick?


"Shun your natural instinct,

Or nothing will get built."

Uh, but they-they know that.

It's, it comes down
to production.

It really does.

They have to keep that-that
pussy like a dangling carrot,

something that's hard to get,

so he keeps running
on the treadmill,

building out more shit,

sending out more boxes
to the Dollar Store,

pointless shit
that no one needs.

That's why cocaine is illegal.

It makes pussy too easy to get.

They can't have it.

They cannot have it.

If pussy were suddenly
easy to get,

if it were simple
for human beings

to just relate
on a regular level...

If he could just lay down a big
fat rail on the first date,

and you gack it up,
ten minutes later

you're sucking his dick
in a dirty urinal.


You're loving every second
of it...

no inhibition.

If it were that easy,
then you wouldn't have to spend

60 hours working in a factory

and saving up
your overtime check

so one day you can afford
a spoiler for your Honda

that's gonna...

attract a girl's attention.

And then after
a lengthy courting process

and you meet the parents

and sign the contract, maybe
then, one year on your birthday,

she'll suck your dick
in a broom closet.


"I feel like a whore."

Should have done the bump.

It's fucking awful.


Just got to make sure
you produce.

Buy, buy shit you don't need.

Come on,
diamonds and fucking flowers.

At least black people knew
when they were slaves.

You remain clueless.

Oh, saving up.

Fucking get a lot of work done.

Hard work, hard work

is fine if it's
a work of passion,

but just to work hard
to buy shit to impress people,

you're a fucking loser.

Fucking empty vessel.

Hard work, if it's,
if it's hard work that you do

for free, hard work,
if it's a work of passion,

you're, you know, working

at learning how to play
the acoustic guitar.

You're trying to find
my prostate

when we're on Ecstasy
or something.

That's a work of passion.

Sure, go.

Dig in, root around, you know?

Just to work hard,

it's awful.

"You worked hard
to get where you are."

No, I didn't.

I drank, smoked and did drugs
to get where I'm at.

And really, I'm not
glorifying shit.

I ain't trying to build it up,

but it really is responsible
for where I am.

I haven't ever tried very hard.

I'm here 'cause, I... you know,
drugs expanded my imagination

and made me think

outside of, what,
your fucking reality.

And cigarettes gave me
the patience

to sit and write
those thoughts down

in a comedy-friendly format

that you could understand.

And alcohol gives me the courage
to stand up here

in front of you
judgmental pricks and do it

with a quarter million dollars
worth of cameras in your face.


I didn't fucking work hard
for this show.

I-I-I am ill-prepared.

There are,
there are people here from

the first show that,
uh, and, you know,

"Wow, that's a lot
of different material."

Yeah, just 'membered.



I don't, I didn't want
to try hard for this show,

'cause I didn't want to send

the wrong message to the kids
who might be watching at home.

Don't fucking work hard.

Dummy, you die at the end!

Didn't anyone tell you?


That's the alcohol.

But it makes me funnier.

That's why, that's why
I'm drinking.

I-Ironically, I'm drinking
to be more professional.

'Cause I'm funnier
when I'm drunk.

I really am. 17 years.

I have AA friends
that I've had for...

lifelong friends
that all of them

have had to eventually cave in

and admit that I'm funnier
when I'm drunk.

It fucking kills them!

It's like they have to deny
their own religion to admit it.

They're like, "All right,

"all right, you're fucking...

"That was a good show.

"I know you're fucking ripped,
but, Doug, you have

"a serious problem,
and you make jokes about it,

"that's how you deal with it,

"but I've been in the program
for a long time.

"If you ever want
someone to talk to...

"But don't quit tonight though;

"we have tickets
for the late show.


"We've seen you sober.

"It's a stuttering, awkward
wreck with no self confidence.

"But tomorrow, if you'd
like to, uh, talk to me,

I'm up at 6:00 a.m."

Fuck you.

It's fucking horrifying, have
an AA guy tell you to your face.

He's supposed to be the
know-it-all, and he tells you

that your career is dependent
on your disease?

Kind of a scary proposition.

It's like having
your psychiatrist

tell you that not only are
the voices in your head real,

but they're accurate as well.


So I should kill the babysitter?

"I'm afraid so."

(man shouting)

Hey, I'm pouring more funny
down my head.

pipe down.

Jesus died for your sins.

I'm doing it for

your mere entertainment dollar,
ladies and...

That's far more admirable.

Jesus never made you laugh.

Never once.

You never worked all week,

fucking stacking pants
at the Banana Republic

or whatever you do,
and rushed home

on Friday night and dressed up
to rummage through the Bible

to see what crazy antics
your slapstick savior

was up to this week.

He never made you laugh.

He was a mythical,
boring, unfunny fuck,

and I love you more.

Now watch me jack off.

That's not even
a regular tagline.

Kind of detracts from the whole
purpose of this joke, but the...

Why would you...

I don't even understand the
connection; die for your sins.

What does, how, you...

He died for your sins.

Well, how does one
affect the other?

I fucking, I hit myself
in the foot

with a shovel for your mortgage.

What? I don't...

I don't understand the...

And if there is a correlation,
why would you do that?

Why would you die
for someone's sins?

Your-your sins are
the only interesting thing

about you dreary,
bleak motherfuckers.

Your sins are what make,
make you fantastic.

That's what keeps us great

and exciting and fun.

That's what
makes you alive, man.

You should wear your sins
on your sleeve.

You should be trying to top
your sins on a daily basis.

When you go to work
in the morning,

the first thing out of your
mouth tomorrow morning at work

should be the dirtiest shit
you did tonight,

'cause that's what people
want to hear.

It makes you, huh!


You tell me a story,

you tell me a story about what
a good Christian kid you are

and how that good book
has filled you

with some effervescent
loving light of Jesus

that shines out of every pore
in your squash.

You're walking on sunshine
'cause of the Lord.

At the same time-- you keep
the story going real loud--

at the same time,
you tell me a story about

that one time
you kick-fucked a girl

with cerebral palsy,
and we'll see who draws a crowd.

Even, even your make-believe,

slapstick Jesus on a stick

would have to walk away
from you right now.

"Oh, that's very.
That's very nice.

"I pray for you, too, but
I-I really want to hear this.


"Start over!

"You did what?

"Was she into it?

"Oh, my God!

"What, uh, what kind of
industrial lubricant do you...

"I can't believe
I died for these stories.

These stories are fascinating."

It's so fucking silly.

If you're Christian, you get
cheesed off with the Jesus.

I got Jew-hating stuff
to follow it, so...

I mean, you are a shithead,
but I can make you feel like

you're not the only shithead.

'Cause I got a fucking big
blistering chunk of

Jew-hating coming
right your way right now.

I didn't... I-I wrote this, uh,
bunch of Jew-hating stuff.

I didn't intend to.

I was over in Scotland for...

Every year in August
in Edinburgh, Scotland,

they have the Fringe Festival.

It's the biggest arts festival
in the world.

It's a whole month long.

And I'm there in August
and, uh, some jackass writer

for this, uh, London Times,
he's trying to,

he's writing a story about
anti-Semitism at the Fringe.

And they had found
a review of mine

from earlier in the festival,
this anti-Semitic guy,

and-and where I had been
quoted out of context,

like, oh,
just a string of blurbs.

"He says shocking things like

blah, blah, blah
and blah, blah, blah."

And one of the things
I had said that he quoted was,

"I hate the Jews."

Which sounds anti-Semitic.

So all of a sudden, I get thrown

into his little piece
of literature,

and I had said it,
I had said it, yeah,

without question,
but I had said it in,

like, a happy, fun-loving,
Jew-hating way.

There's no animosity.

It wasn't even a bit of mine.

It was just some aside
when I was rambling about...

Fucking Mel Gibson
was in the news at that time.

And I'm rambling about him being
called anti-Semitic, going,

"Why's he getting so much press?

"He's an actor.

"Who gives a fuck
what he thinks?

I need press. I hate the Jews.
Give me press."

And ironically, yeah,
bam, bam, bam,

banging on the door.

It's a fucking funny story.

If you know me, if you guys have
known me for a while...

I've been doing this 17 years,
and I...

I could fill three CDs worth

of just the Christian-bashing
alone I've done over my career.

I've done Mormon-bashing
and Muslim-bashing.

I'll do... I'll do more

once I have
a stronger legal team, but...

(laughter and applause)


But it wasn't...
it wasn't until this phone call,

that I realized
I've never done any Jew-bashing

in my whole career.

All the religion-bashing
I've done,

I've never fucked with the Jews.

I was like, "What...
How did they ever escape?"



And they do. They....

You know, in religion-bashing,

Jews never get fucked
with, because A:

they don't have the aggressive
recruiting policies

that other religions do.

They don't have billboards
every 30 feet,

"Be a Jew or burn in hell.

Jew God is watching you."

They're not banging on your
fucking door with pamphlets.

"I want to talk
to you about Judaism."


So they don't get shit for that.

They don't get shit

because they have
that Holocaust sympathy

they can surf on
for another 15 years

till the last survivor dies,

or till the History Channel
goes out of business, but...


And the Jews, to their credit,

they don't have the history
of atrocities

that other religions have.

They don't, 'cause they fucking
lost all the time, sorry.


But they don't, yeah.

They're not like, you know,
the Muslims and Catholics.

I've heard so many comics
doing bits about this new pope.

"Oh, isn't it scary, this
new pope used to be a Nazi?"

And you go, "Not when you look

at their track records
side by side."

The Nazis
versus the Catholic Church?

The Nazis only lasted
a dozen years,

and they got their ass handed
to them in a high hat.

Catholic Church has been...

Has a far more prosperous
and prestigious record

of murder and torture
and tyranny

and oppression.

(cheering and applause)

And nonsense.

Not to mention the kid-fucking.


And they're still around
and more popular than ever.

I'd be far more afraid
to hear someone go,

"You know that new Nazi?

He used to be a pope."


"No shit?
I'm fucking out of here.

That guy's dangerous."





So, fuck the Jews.

That's what I'm saying, I guess.

Fuck the Jews.

I'm sorry. I never said it
over the course of my career,

but fuck the Jews, just
for being a religion at all.

You're as complicit as the rest
in the retardation

of human intellectual progress.

And fuck you, too.

(cheering and applause)

Fuck you.

My brother's a Jew.

My brother's a Jew,
and I fucking...

Fuck him, too.

I hate his guts for it.

It's not like
on a hate-hate level,

but fuck it,
what are you thinking?

He converted 'cause the only
humorless cunt in his life

that would ever fuck him twice--
he had to cave in and marry her.


'Cause he's afraid to die alone,

but he... but he doesn't mind
settling for less.

And now they're together in...

in a passionless swamp
of a relationship, and...


And they teach their kids
that shit.

See, the parents
wouldn't have him

if he wasn't converted
to Judaism

'cause they're racist.

And there's another reason
to fuck the Jews.

I don't like racists.

Fuck you, too, Jew.

"You're not good enough
if you're not a Jew."

Fuck you.

(scattered applause)

Mostly I hate the Jews
'cause they're wicked annoying.

Can we agree on that?

Really, they're wicked annoying.


Listen, of all the religions
I've been around,

the Jews have a tendency
to throw their Judaism

into whatever conversation
you're having,

any topic, whatever the subject.

"Whoa, that's funny
'cause I'm a Jew."

"Oh... Oh, I'm a typical
Jewish mother."

"Did I say I grew up Jewish?"

"Well, my Jew family..."

"And Jew, Jew,
Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew.

* Jew, Jew, Jew,
Jew, Jew, Jew. *"

"That's all I got to say."

Jew, Jew. Why-Why...

Why do you keep saying Jew?

Why do you keep
saying Jew?

I'm at an airport bar with you.

I have to talk to you,
but can you stop reminding me

that you're irrational
in every third sentence?

It's like...
It's like people

who are really
into their astrological sign,

and they have to pitch that
into whatever conversation

you're having
to define themselves.

"That's funny. I'm a Virgo."

"Here's my Virgo
coming out again."


"You're going to have
to excuse me.

"I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

It's 'cause I'm a Virgo."

No, it's 'cause

you're a douchebag,

and you've been busting my balls
all day.

(laughter, applause,
cheering, and whistling)

It has nothing to do
with your astrological sign

or some alignment of the stars.

It's 'cause you're a shithead,
and it's time for you

to take individual
responsibility for who you are.

Don't act like if your parents
had fucked a month earlier,

you'd be feeding me chili dogs
and letting shit slide.


You're an asshole.

Be who you are, but...


"I'm a Jew.

"We naturally carry
a lot of guilt.

It's a Jewish thing."

No, it's a you thing!
You, that fuckhead

in that chair!

Has nothing to do with Judaism.

If you have guilt,
maybe you're weak of character,

maybe you're fucking guilty
of something, I don't know.

Maybe you just stole that bottle
of Jaeger out of my freezer,

and you're trying to...

But it has nothing to do
with some ancient tribe

of blah, blah, blah.

That's not attached
to your DNA, right?

By the... By the...

By the same logic,
we all come from apes,

but I don't throw ape
in every conversation.


Use ape to define myself,

use ape as an excuse
to defecate

in my thumbless mitt
and then hurl it at you.


"Yeah. I'm sorry.

"Did I just splatter you
with wet feces?

"I'm sorry.

"I have a very rich
ape upbringing,

a strong ape heritage. I..."

(groaning and laughter)

* Because I'm an ape, ape, ape,
ape, ape, ape, ape *

* Ape, ape, ape,
ape, ape, ape, ape *

* Ape, ape, ape!



I'm really worthless
as an individual.

Anybody... Anybody
who defines themselves

solely on their... their race

or their religion
or their nationality...

if that's the first thing
out of your mouth...

"Well, what are you all about?"

If that's the first thing
on your MySpace page...


"Well, I'm an Irish-American,
blah, blah..."

What the fuck is that? Who...?

You got nothing else.


Community college
and something else,

but you use that fucking trivia

'cause you got nothing to say.



Go get 'em, Doug.



I'm kind of out of shit.

Not in this set.

I mean, I have some stuff
I put on paper,

but in the long term,
I think I'm out of shit.


Fucking cannibalizing my own...

17 years,
what else do you have to say?

If I die soon,
don't ever say I died too young.


Every time an artist
dies young...

I got, like, nine more days
before I'm 40.

If I still have that three
in front of my number,

maybe they'll say I died young.

If I have the four,
died early perhaps.


Died not as late
as he could have.


But every time
an artist dies young,

Kurt Cobain or whatever,
it's always the people...

"It's so sad.

He had so much more to give."

How do you know?

Maybe he was out of shit.

(laughter, cheering,
and applause)

How do you know?

Maybe he's done.

He got all the money.
He did all the drugs.

He fucked all your holes,
and that's the American dream.

And when you're done with that,

you go, "Oh, that's why
they call it a dream.

It's bullshit. I'm still empty."

And he cashed out. Maybe?

How do you know
what any artist had left?

How do you know if Jimi Hendrix
hadn't have died,

he wouldn't have wound up doing

Super Bowl halftime duets
with Elton John right now?

* Rocket man

* Wah, wah, wah, wah...

And you're going,
"This is tragic.

"Why didn't that guy die?

"He was my hero.

"I don't want to see this.

It's fucking pathetic."


How do you know
if Lenny Bruce hadn't have died,

he wouldn't have wound up
taking over Andy Rooney's spot

at the end of 60 Minutes?


Just some crusty old cunt
with wiry eyebrows

bitching about ATM fees
and a cluttered desk.


What do you know?

Maybe he was out of shit.


But back to nationalism.


Nationalism does nothing

but teach you
how to... hate people

that you never met, and...

all of a sudden, you take pride

in accomplishments
you had no part in whatsoever.


And you brag about, you know...

Like, the Americans go,
"Fuck the French.

"Fuck the French.

"If we hadn't saved their ass
in two World Wars,

they'd be speaking German
right now."

We go, "Oh, was that us?

"That was us?

"Was that me and you, Tommy?

"We saved the French?


"I know I blacked out
a little bit

"after that fourth shot
of Jagermeister last night,

"but I don't...
I don't remember.

(laughter and applause)

"I know we went through
the Wendy's drive-thru.

"We were going to get one
of them freschetta sandwiches

"that look so alluring
on the commercial.

"But then we ordered it,
and realized we had no money,

"and we had to ditch out
before the second window.

"And those douchebags
in line behind us

"with the bass music
probably got our order, and...

"We laughed about that,

"but I don't remember
saving the French at all.

"I-I went through
the last ten calls

"on my cell phone,

"and there's nothing incoming
or outgoing

"to the French looking
for muscle on a project.

"I checked my pants,

"and there's no mud stains
on the knees

"from where
we were garroting Krauts

"in the trenches at Verdun.

"I think we didn't do anything
but watch sports bloopers

"while we got hammered.

I think we should shut
the fuck up."

(cheering and applause)

It's silly.

All that stuff.

Tradition and heritage,

it's dead people's baggage.

Quit carrying it.

Did you make it up?

No, it's passed on to me.

Pass it back.

Every immigration argument
that you hear,

they never come from a...

well, how does it affect you

"Well, you know,
these immigrants,

"they come to our country,
they burden our tax system.

"What they do is, they come here

"and they get into our
education system

"and our health care,
and I gotta pay the taxes.

My taxes have to pay that."

Well, what the fuck are you
doing to me?

Every time you have a kid,

every time you have a kid,
'cause it's American,

I should pull up a chaise lounge

and wave a flag while 15 of
those things come out of you.

Pay every... oh, I can't wait
to pay for these,

they're American.

I have a vasectomy
and an abortion on my record,

but I can't wait

for all your fucking fat-headed

Midwestern kids
to come out of you.

What are you, Catholic?

Come on, be fruitful
and multiply.

Love it. Love it!

I'll get a second job.

No, keep...

"Well, these immigrants,

they don't, fuck...
they don't speak the language."

Then don't talk to them.

There, I solved your problem.

That was quick.

You know who speaks the language

Your next-door neighbor.

You've lived there
eight and a half years,

you've never said one fucking
word to that guy.

You avert eye contact

should you check the mail
at the same time.


So why would you give a shit

what the guy selling gnit-gnobs
in a cart in the park speaks?

It's none
of your fucking business.

And all the, all the clichéd

arguments, like that,
well, they're,

they're lazy, they're shiftless,
and they're criminals.

And all this, they...
all those arguments go

go against the main
clichéd argument

of they're taking American jobs.

I live on the Mexican border.

I live seven miles
off the Mexican border

in a town, Bisbee, Arizona,
a little town.


I can go out any day

and watch Border Patrol
arresting these guys

by the dozen, 11 at a time
out of a Dodge Omni,

like a clown car
with plastic cuffs.


And you're right,
they don't speak the language

and they probably have
no education.

They don't have fucking shoes
half the time.

They're like barefoot
and tattered castaway,

like Gilligan's Island
shorts and...


In a fucking dirty T-shirt

and they're dehydrated
wandering the desert

for four days.


And if that guy is

as qualified for your job
as you are,

you're a fucking loser

of such epic,

humiliating proportions.

I would be ashamed

to have anyone find out
that guy took my job.

He doesn't speak English.

What, do they do
your job training

in pantomime, shithead?

"Oh, si, come in.

"Boink, boink. I see.

"Boink, boink.

"Crank, crank, crank, crank?

"Crank, crank, crank, crank."

Oh, da-da-da-da-da."

You're outta here, mullet-head.

That guy's more qualified.

Fucking asshole,
you should have tried harder.

Nobody bitches about immigrants
taking their job

if that person has skills
of any level.

Goddamn fucking brain surgeons

sitting around the Beverly Hills
Hotel lounge.

"You know what really chaps
my ass, Barry?

"Scandinavian fellas
are coming over

"taking all our good
neurosurgery positions,

"the Norwegians, specifically.

"I say we down ourselves
a bottle of Jack Daniels

"and go stomp us
some Weegie ass,

"the first Weegie we see.

"We jump...


"jump out of that Explorer
and pound him.

Fucking immigrants."

All started with that Einstein.

Once they brought him over
from Germany

and we didn't have
any good genius jobs,

it was a trickle-down effect.

Stealing your job.

Hate, hate, hate.

Fear, fear, fear.

Hate, hate, hate.


Come on, they're taking
your jobs,

and terrorists are trying

to blow up your Ford Focus

You need some fucking...

Where's my Purell?

I touched a doorknob.

There's a new fever, a flu.

There's a big faggot,
sober, responsible,

boring, dull, hand-sanitizing

and I can't get the germs off me
fast enough.

I'm afraid.

Fucking fag.



I try to qualify.

I use "faggot" too liberally,

but I use it as a word
of weakness.

I attach no sexuality
to the word,

and if you're gay
and you're in here

and you're offended,

I'll be at the door
on the way out

and I'll suck your dick just
to show that I meant no offense.

I'm not going to get wicked
into it

and like yank on your balls,
like, like you're coked up

and that's the only way
you can come.

I'll just pinch you
with two fingers

and (grunting)...

But just to show
that I mean no disrespect,

'cause it's too strong of a word
to let go.

"Faggot" is a good word.

So you know, I got a little sore
on my lip right there,

to match the one
that broke out on my dick

from distress and...

Yeah, yeah, well, you know what?

I mean, I-I, I was a player,

not a fucking spectator
in this life, honey.

You look at herpes

like a skateboarder looks
at a skinned knee

when you play long enough.

Ain't that big a fucking deal,

and I ain't that
into you anymore.

I'm an old man.

I don't give a shit.

Anyway, let's move on.

I was trying to segue
into kid-fucking,

but, segue is gone, let's just
jump right in, shall we?

Internet predators.


Oh, they're very popular,
all over the television,

the fucking... Catch a Predator,

MySpace, you know, fuck, yeah.

Like, I don't know, 'cause I...

I was a kid at one point.

I don't remember,
but there's pictures.

But, uh,

I remember we didn't
have the Internet,

but to avoid predators,
our parents would go, uh,

"Hey, uh, son,

"don't talk to strangers.

Some of them might try
to fuck you."

And you go, "Oh, thanks, man.

Thanks for that heads-up."

And then you just
went about your day.

Does that not work
for the Internet now?

You don't have to parent

Oh, the Internet,
like they have some crazy way

of getting around
the "don't talk to strangers."

What the fuck?

If you're parents
and you're in here

I know you don't want
to hear this.

You'll argue with me

and you'll say that
I-I'm twisting the facts,

I'm wrong,
but this is the truth.

That, that probably,
and huge probability,

when I say "probably,"
astronomical odds,

Vegas odds,

statistical probability,

nobody wants to fuck your kid.

I know you don't want
to hear it.

You want to think that child
is so ultra-fuckable,

that all the pedophiles there,

they're jockeying
for position right now

down at the seesaws
waiting for him

to come out of first period.

Wait for it!

Not that chunky kid,

the oatmeal kid,
that's what we're all here for.

High five, high five, yeah.

If you wanted your kid
to get fucked,

just to prove
to your neighbors

in your gated community

that your kid's hotter
than their kid,

and you sent your kid out
as bait

and you put him
in a Catholic schoolgirl skirt

with no underpants, and you made
him hop on a pogo stick

to school, you know, so, so

his little pink,
fleshy hindquarters

shown so temptingly
towards traffic,

he would still probably graduate

school having never been pooned,

and then what an asshole
you'd look like,

trying to brag around
a gated community

at the next cocktail mixer.

"It's just by the grace of God

"that no one,
no one ever fucked him.

"It's only 'cause
of my hypervigilance

"and the work of my congressman

"getting more laws
passed on the Internet,

that he never got fucked."


If I were a parent,
I would prefer

that pedophiles be
on the Internet.

There's no more pedophiles
in the world

than there ever have been.

They act like the Internet
is creating pedophiles,

where there were none.

If I were a parent,
if you exist anyway,

stay on the Internet,
stay jacking off

in your basement
in South Carolina

as opposed
to the old-fashioned way

where they actually went down
to your schoolyard.

They did laps
around the playground,

smarties on a fishing line,

trying to fly-fish little Junior

into the Oldsmobile.

Keep beating off
on the Internet.

Just don't fuck the kid.

That's what it's about, right?

Just don't fuck the kid.

That's all
you should worry about.

But that's not what the-the
fucking, the Attorney General,

his, he says his,
his number one focus

is to stop the kid-fucking,

but he doesn't, he wants to go
after the Internet.

He's not going after the guy
with the kid and the camera.

He just... they use
that fear-mongering

to get more government
control in your life,

more legislation, more,

"Oh, no, I don't want to have to
be responsible for my own kid.

"You take care of it,
Mr. Government.

"And if I get tired of it, I'll
just vote for the other party.

And that'll make a difference."

(lone clapper)

Stop it.

Child pornography,
rampant on the Internet.

Have you seen it?

Attorney General,
"Oh, we need to stop this.

"Child pornography is rampant
on the Internet.

We need more government
involvement because...

I've never seen child
pornography on the Internet.

But I've seen every other type

of deviant, grotesque,

sometimes stimulating,

always clever, every other type
of pornography

that two eyeballs can absorb.

You get into one good fruitless
coke yank,

where you're all gacked up
on blow

and you're just beating off
till the band plays,

'cause hookers won't answer
their phone at this hour.


You know it's not gonna work.

It ain't gonna finish it.

This is a cold, dead eraser
in your hand right now.

Wake up!

You punch it in the face.

You fucking wake up
and talk to me!

You were awake
when we bought this shit.

You're waking up now!

And you just start clicking
on random porn links,

and you got pop-ups everywhere,

and that chick looks hot, click
on that, and you go everywhere.

You just keep seeing shit.

It's never what it's advertised.

18-year-old amateur
hot co-ed action

and you click on it
and it's some fucking

bondage enema porn,

some fucking...

amputee porn.

I've seen what, prego popper,

a fucking lactating mama,
all, a flattop fucker.

I mean, they all sound like
funny shit, they all exist.

And-and-and shit,
I make fun of,

midget porn, it's funny to say
but it's out there.

It's like the comic-relief porn

I look at after
I've just jacked off

to something hugely

and I go, "Oh, well, let's go
look at midget porn and laugh.

"Ha, ha, ha!
Someone's into this.

"You fucking...

You gaytard."

But it's all out there.

All this shit.

Never saw someone fuck a kid.

I've seen three old queers.

Go to my Web site.

On the forum on my Web site,

They have a thread called
"The Tsunami of Poon,"

where all these guys just post
the most disturbing pictures

to fuck with everyone else.

Three old queers is...

three old guys in their 70s.

They look like, any kind of,
you know,

fez-wearing fucking Shriners,
but now they're all naked.

One's sucking
the other one's dick

and the other two are making out
very passionately,

which is more disturbing
than even the blowjob,

as the other two

It's like, "Ah!"

Seen that.

Never seen the child porn.

I've seen cock-fingering
on the Internet.

Have you seen...


I've seen it several times
randomly surfing porn.

Digit in the male urethra.

Objects in the male urethra.

Seen cock-fingering,
seen it several times,

yet I've still never managed

to see someone fuck a child

So if-if child pornography is

rampant on the Internet,

cock-fingering is probably

occurring in this room
as we speak.

(cheering and applause)

I have no children.

If I, if I had children...

O-Once people have kids,

they get all fucking weak and
they have that genetic defect

that makes them want to protect,

but make other people like
the government do it for them.


I don't, I don't have a child.

Maybe I'd feel differently
if I did.

"Well, once you have kids..."

I don't know.

I know I've had an abortion...

with my wife, and it's been

five years probably now.

I just want to say...

still a great decision.

Every Roe v. Wade

anti-abortion rally
that comes out,

they'll find some fucking
crying cunt from a trailer park

and put her behind a podium

and pat her back
so she gets attention,

and she goes,
"I regret it to this day.

"I had an abortion because I was
in a lot of trouble,

and I wish I had that baby
back in my arms."


we don't agree on much,
my wife and I,

but we agreed that was
the best decision we ever made.


five-year anniversary,
glad we fucking killed the baby.

Five years later, still glad,

still happy,
no guilt, no regret.

Have a lot of regrets about
how we handled the relationship,

but never the baby,
never brought up.

I'm just saying.

In case you ever come
to that point--

"I'll regret it down the line."

We haven't.

You don't hear
that side of the story.

I'm just saying.

I got, I got an,
I got this anti-abortion flier.

They were,
they were sticking them

under everyone's
windshield wiper

in the parking lot
of this place in Texas.

It had a picture of a dead fetus
on the front.

You know how the pro-life folk

are so fond
of the dead fetus photo?

They get a picture

of an aborted fetus,

and they run home and they
blow it up large on a placard

and they bring it
down to their protest rally

and they shove it in your face
at 9:30 in the morning.

"Look at that!

"Look at that!

"This is what abortion does
right there.

"Don't you turn away!

This is abortion."

You're like,
"I'm just going to the ATM.

"I'm not going in this place.

"Clear the sidewalk, lady,

"I'm hungover.

I'm about
to fucking barf anyway."

But they, they do that.

The idea
is that that picture is supposed

to be so disturbing
and so disgusting

that it will
single-handedly change

your whole view
of the abortion issue,

a-as though live childbirth

were really pretty to look at,

when that living monster
is actually ripping out of you.


It's all covered
in blood and mucus,

and sputum is flying everywhere

and the fucking thing's

You're fucking screaming.
Everybody is screaming.

Your husband is vomiting
through a surgical mask

while trying to maintain
a comforting eye contact.


"That's pretty, baby.
I love you..."


And now your snatch

and asshole have all been torn
into one big,

open septic manhole.

"Look at it!

Don't you turn away."

Oh, yeah, you put a picture of
that under my windshield wiper,

I'll frame it
and put it over the piano.

That's... that's adorable.

That's a little sweetheart.

But this little peaceful

aborted fella laying

all nighttime on a comfy pillow
next to a ruler--

he's disgusting.


Shame be that.

Like I said, I've had
an abortion, I've been party

to an abortion, so...

And we don't know
what became of it.

When we had an abortion, we just
shuffled out the front door.

We didn't tag its ear
or keep in touch

or track it on a GPS system.

Pen pals-- no, we fucking left.

So if I see a picture
of an aborted fetus,

there's that part of you that's
got to wonder a little bit...


"Steve, anything?

"He really look like me at all?

"Come on.

"Come on. There's a little bit.

I think he's got my scowl."



If you've had an abortion...

it really makes

the whole idea, the...
the whole concept of Heaven

a lot more disconcerting,

if you've had an abortion.

As irrational or illogical

as that idea is, it's still,
it's depressing to think about

if there were a heaven,
and that...

you fought
through the white light

and got up to the pearly gates,

that'd be the first dead
relative waiting for you there,

all angry and pinch-faced.


"Oh, look who's here.

"Yeah, oh, yeah.

"Yeah, took your time,
didn't you?


"Huh, looked like you were
having a lot of fun down there.

"You know
they took pictures of me!

"They took pictures of me!

Laid me next to a ruler,
for Christ's sake."

* Would you know my name?


So I...

So I get the flier.

It's got the dead fetus
on the front.

On the back of the thing,
it's got the whole

pro-life propaganda screed.

At the bottom,
the guy who prints these things

for a living, for fun,

or profit,
or whatever his motivation is--

he puts his name
and phone number at the bottom,

in case you want to order more.

And I'm drunk with a phone.


And the guy answers his phone.

It's not even,
it's not even a business.

It's a dude in rural Wisconsin

answering his phone
in the bedroom.


And I want to fuck with him,
but I want to be original.

You don't just want to be drunk

and try to throw logic
at this problem.

You're just going
to waste cell phone minutes.

That's like trying
to kick water uphill.

You ain't going to win.

So what I did is

I came at him and I attacked him

from the more
conservative angle,

where I accused him
of being the worst type

of child pornographer
on this planet.


"This is sick.

"I can't believe
what I'm looking at, sir.

"This is a child
in this photograph.

"That's not a choice;
that's a child,

"and for you
to distribute photographs

"of naked children

"around my neighborhood,

"you're attracting
the most deviant type

"of child predator
on this planet.

"Right now,

"pre-term necrophiliac
child molesters

"are masturbating
like frenzied apes in cages

"to your handiwork, sir.

"Don't you d-d-d-duh me.

"You knew what you were doing.

"You could have Photoshopped
a bikini onto that little baby.

"You could have airbrushed

"a tasteful one-piece,

"but you chose not to

"'cause this is
how you get your rocks off

and I hope you burn in hell."


(cheering and applause)

I don't get here very often.

I'm glad I had
the opportunity again.

(cheering and applause)


So I... so I, so I can close
strong and say fuck the Yankees.

I want to close
with "Fuck the Yankees!"

Yeah, fuck the Yankees.

How about that?

Fuck the Yankees.

Fuck you and your Yankees.

Fuck the Yankees.
(crowd members yelling)


Fuck the Yankees
for several reasons.

You want to go
through all of them?

Fuck the Yankees--
A: they bought their team.

Yes, they bought the team.

They spent the most money;
they're supposed to win.

Like, okay, not fu...

if you have money
on the Yankees,

different story.

If you have money on any team,

okay, go ahead and cheer
for that team.

It's kind of like having stock
in a company--

you have an investment,
you're cheering for that--

but if you're just going to be

some fucking
bloat-headed alcoholic

drinking overpriced beer
in the stands,

paying too much money
for parking,

and they're going
to yell for a team,

have some character
and pick an underdog.

If you're just yelling to yell,
pick an underdog.

Why not?

The Yankees are supposed to win.

So for you
to be a dildo arrogant fan

on top of that?

That's like going to a casino
and cheering for the house.

And being an asshole about it.


(cheering and stomping)

Fucking zip up
to the fucking Indian casino.

Just set up shop

right behind
a blackjack table and go,

"Oh, dealer busted your ass,
bitch, huh?

"That's my fucking dealer.

"I chose that dealer.

"I got my deal... dealer hat on.

"I spent food money
for this hat.

I'm hungry."

What the fuck is that?

And fuck the Yankees most

'cause they're the reason

that you have to go outside
to smoke cigarettes.


And the reason that they just
banned trans fat in food.

They're telling you
how to eat in this city,

how to live your life,

what you can do
on your own property.

They just banned fucking.

They're trying to ban, uh,
fucking iPods in crosswalks.

State supreme court
in this state

ten days ago upheld a ban
on dancing in nightclubs.

Anybody know this?


Not, not fucking Utah,
not Footloose.

New York City!

Tough guys, aren't you?

You're fucking standing out like
fucking bitches smoking outside.

They tell you what you can put
in your food,

what you can eat,
where to dance, where to walk.

Can't fucking use my cell phone
behind the wheel of my car,

but tough motherfucker.

Before you advertise
how tough you are,

you might want to go
into the bathroom

and douche some of Bloomberg's
cock smell out of your assholes

because it seems to me
that you are just little bitches

to City Hall,

and that's why I say
"Fuck the Yankees," too,

'cause the Yankees,

what you were all rallying
around and getting pumped up

and badass about,

when you should have been
down at City Hall,

60,000 of you
getting fucking amped up

the next time someone
even mentions a smoking ban.

There should have been 60,000
of you pricks fucking booing

and throwing batteries
at the guy who suggested it.

You distracted motherfuckers.

I got to go.

(cheering and applause)

I'll see you outside smoking.

I'm not shilling applause.

This is where credits roll.

It's kind of part of the thing.

I'd rather be back there.

Go ahead. Sit down.

I don't want this.

It's not real.

You're lying.

I like you anyway.

Fuck the etiquette.


Just sit quietly.

It'll be, it'll better credits
if you all just sit.

That'll be credits.

That would be real for,
like, 60% of my shows.

All right, can I go now?