Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012) - full transcript

Before Turning the Gun on Himself is the eighth stand-up comedy album by Doug Stanhope, released on November 6, 2012, by Roadrunner Records. It was recorded live at The Complex in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to salt lake, and now please

Welcome doug stanhope.

(audience cheers and applauds)

>> thank you!

Thank you very much.


(man shouts in audience)

Yeah, thanks.

I just realized I didn't turn

Off my cell phone, so I'm gonna

Just...Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Don't call me.


I should have started stronger

Than this.

Ever look in the mirror in the

Morning and think, "that can't

Be accurate."

Oh it's--that's off by years,

And pounds, and wrinkles, and is

That metric?

Send that to the front desk and

Get that recalibrated 'cause

That is not--that doesn't even

Look like a head anymore.

The fuck have I done to myself?


I'm good at night, don't worry,

It's just the mornings are

Fucking rougher.

I don't do nearly as many drugs

As I should, then I have the

Reputation for it, but mitch

Hedberg, you know mitch hedberg,


(cheers and applause)

He was a--he was a drug


He was a drug connoisseur, and

He died.

Drugs killed him, but they

Didn't ruin his life by any


He really enjoyed--he was good

At--he wasn't someone who

Faltered at it.

He didn't wake up, "and oh,


I should really work on myself,

And I--I need to rethink


That guy fucking loved doing

Drugs the entire time he was

Alive, maybe up until that last

Minute where he went--


That might have not been as much

Fun, but still.

And now his family, his

Beautiful, beautiful family, and

Mary and arne, and if you ever

See this, don't take it

Personal, but his family set up

A mitch hedberg charity.

It's a mitch hedberg golf

Tournament to go to support a

Rehabilitation facility.

They took everything that he was

About, turned it on its ass.

He hated sports.

He loved drugs.

And you have a fucking charity,


It's like if the guy who died

On the luge in the olympics had

His family come out and have

A charity pie-eating contest to

Keep kids out of sports.

Stay on the couch, you get fat,


It was just everything he was

Against for everything he

Loved, and they did that because

I guess it would have been too

Tasteless to have a charity

Event where you get--actually

For a buck a shovel literally

Dig up his grave and turn him

Upside down...

And then bury it back.

(audience applauds and shouts)

His parents are so sweet, and I

Was very tentative about

Putting that on a dvd, but it's

Such a funny--it's just--rehab

Is just such fraud.

It's just this cottage industry

Of nonsense junk science,

Fucking dr. Drew pinsky should

Be just--he's like--I've never

Done a bit about someone for--

You do bits, and you fake anger,

And you write a bit, you know,

You have passion for it, and

Then you do it too many times,

And then you have to work up the

Anger, and I've never had to do

That when talking about dr.

Drew pinsky for fucking years.

Just hearing his name, this bile

Comes out of me 'cause it's--

(audience applauds and shouts)

It started--if there is a war

On drugs, he is the joseph

Goebbels' propaganda minister of

Lies, and it started out with

Just the celebrity rehab, and

That was a--it's a dumb show.

But what made it important--dr.

Drew is a real doctor.

That's what you have to keep in


He's an actual--he's not a fake

Dr. Phil.

He's an actual, went to medical

School, has a diploma over his

Desk, real doctor spreading this

Nonsense, and it started with

"celebrity rehab," which was a

Guilty pleasure.

It was fun to watch.

They, you know, call in all

These d-level celebrities.

Let them shake off the dts for a

Couple of days with cameras in

Their faces 24/7, and then

They'd send them boating with

Gary busey 'cause that's what a

Medical professional would tell

You to do in that situation,

And instead of being stripped of

His credentials for this,

Instead of being drug out in

The street and beaten and tied

Shirtless to a telephone pole

Out front of this place so

Garage bands could staple flyers

To his chest to promote their

Upcoming gig, and then the other

Band would draw a dick picture

On the thing, and they'd tear

That off and put up a new

Poster, and eventually drew

Pinsky would die the slow

Bleeding death of a thousand

Weeping pinhole bleeds.

Instead of that happening, what

Happened is it gave him


People took him seriously.

And that's what makes you crazy,

Is not that these buffoons exist

In life, but the fact that it

Was--like the sarah palins or

The glenn becks or whoever

Where you ah--if everyone was

Laughing at them, you'd go,

"ah, what a--" but when they're

Taking--drew pinsky now is the

Go-to guy for any kind of

Celebrity, you know, any--any

Heath ledger issue, any fucking

Michael jackson, he's the guy

That the mainstream media goes


"joining us tonight to talk

About one of the coreys that


We don't know which corey.

No one really cares.

But to discuss the tragedy,

Joining us tonight, celebrity

Rehabilitation expert, dr.

Drew pinsky, welcome to the


You know, first of all, how are

You a celebrity rehabilitation


How do you get that designation?

At what point in medical school

Did your professor pull you to

The side?

"drew, come here a second, I

Wanna talk to you.

Listen, I have been watching

Your work.

I have been watching you poke

Around the cadavers and do what

You do with the smug look on

Your face.

Did anyone ever tell you that

You have a keen eye for the rich

And famous?

You should really go in that


I think you have a natural gift

To be an ambulance chaser to the


You fucking would step over a

Dozen dying winos in the street

Just to get to lindsay lohan's

Bedside to offer unsolicited

Advice to charlie sheen via

Twitter as a medical

Professional is wont to do."

Yeah, yeah, dr. Drew pinsky,

Celebrity rehabilitation expert.

It's like if I were a

Gynecologist, but I've found

That I--I specialize in really

Young, hot...


Stinkless pussy.

That's where I found--I just

Had a knack.

It was like a gift from god,

Just teenage norwegian pussy is

All I really work with anymore

Because I wanna give back.

I wanna give of myself, you

Puddle of shit.

And what they don't show you,

When they've--they're treating


Remember this is a deadly


Addiction is--here it comes

Again, watch.

Ah, ah.

This might look like a choice,

But it's not.

This is a deadly affliction.

Mmm, mmm.

There's no such thing as


I mean on the most minor levels,

There are--if you're a hardcore

Substance abuser, there is a

Physical addiction where you

Might need a medical detox for a

Few days to--so you don't

Seizure up and swallow your


After that, it's done.

Then it's a choice.

It's right back to a fucking



>> whoo!

>> and there's no such thing as


There's only things that you

Enjoy doing more than life,

(audience cheers and applauds)

And that's-- it's not just drugs

And alcohol, fucking sex


Eat too much pie, but, yeah--

It's what you wanna do.

And what they don't show you in

Any of these shows is--what are

You-- what do you do with

These-- you have all these shows

Exploiting shitheads.

You know, "intervention."

"intervention's" an hour-long

Show and 52 minutes of it is

Some fucking stumblebum being

Followed around by a camera,

Shitting his pants, puking in

Trashcans and losing his job

Because that's fun to watch.

It really is.

It's easily exploitable.

That's why cigarettes--they're

Far more dangerous than anything

That they show, like an

Intervention, but you don't see

That episode.

There's not the--the cigarette,

Because no one wants to watch

52 minutes of a guy going...


"it's killing me."

So they have to get the

Stumblebum just, you know,

Shitting his pants and knocking

Over the turkey at his aunt

Nancy's house on thanksgiving

Morning because you're trying to

Drink her mouthwash because it's

Fun to watch.

But what they don't ever show

You is the cure.

If these shows are supposed to

Be informational and

Educational, what the fuck do

You do?

What's the cure?

You show me 52 minutes of the

Guy fucking up and being

Hilarious, and then you fast

Forward through the intervention

Part 'cause no one wants to

Watch that.

That's just boring idiot family

Members reading hallmark cards

They wrote themselves.

"you didn't show up to sherry's

Graduation and-- "

So what do you--what happened?

And the only cure they show--

They show--oh yeah, and we flew

Him to palos altos, california

For a rehab, and he hasn't drank

Since 2007.

Well, what did you do there?!

That might be a good focal point

Of the show, is the cure for

This deadly disease!

What is the cure, dr. Drew?

Tell me what you're gonna do

With charlie sheen if you get


How do you fucking cure these


All you do is show me, you know,

Boating with gary busey.

What's the cure?

"well, we get them involved in

A--we put him in a rehab."

Well, what do you do in the


"well, it's a--it's a


Well, what is the fucking


"well, we get them involved in a


Stop with the buzz words and

Tell me what exactly is the


"oh, the cure specifically is--


Uh, god."






That's what you do?

That's all I do.

All these rehabs, all they do is

Funnel you into a 12-step

Program, aa and the like, and

Any 12-step program is a

God-based program.

It's like seven of the 12 steps

Are about god and giving your

Life to god.

You're a fucking medical doctor

With a diploma over your desk.

You treat one thing and one

Thing only, and the only cure

You have for it is god?

Even your religious friends do

Not wanna hear about god during

A medical diagnosis.

It's the last word you ever

Wanna hear from a doctor.

"you know, doc, my fucking lymph

Nodes are swollen out of my


I look like a bullfrog.

I'm shitting blood with

Clumps in it.

I can't keep food down."

"ooh, sounds like someone needs

A higher power."

(audience cheers and applauds)

"can't we do some blood work

First, series of antibiotics,

Get a cat scan?"

"no, get on your knees and pray,


You're a doctor?

"yeah, I'm on tv, too."


Aa makes scientology look


It's--it's at least--

Scientology or any fucking

Mormons or christians or

Muslims, at least the major cult

Religions have a consistent

Dogma where aa is so splatter

Shot and made up on the fly.

Aa tells you to make up your own

God if you don't already have a


The big book of aa--I grew up

In aa, and I believed all this

Shit was true.

My mother was in aa, so as a kid

Doing homework in the back of

Meetings listening to this shit.

There's a chapter to the

Agnostic in the big book, their

Bible, and you'd go oh, oh

Chapter to the agnostic, this

Will teach you how to use this

Program as a reasonable grown-up

Adult human being.

No, they don't do that.

No, the chapter to the agnostic

Tells you how to stop being

Agnostic and start believing in

A little bit of god, you

Stubborn little fella.

You gotta believe in him.

And it tells you if you don't

Already have a god, make up your

Own, and you go, "I'm a drunk.

I can't even make up a good

Excuse for why I pissed in the

Sock drawer last night."

This is probably--

(audience cheers and applauds)

Probably--probably not a good

Time for me to be creating

Omnipotent deities that I will

Lay my life down before for the


>> you're our god, doug.

>> me a god, yes, yes, and you

Are my fucking satan.

First step of aa, you have to

Admit that you're powerless over

Alcohol and that your life has

Become unmanageable, and then

They go onto the next step

Which you have to turn your life

And your will over to a power

Higher than yourself.

And you go, "I was a

Freethinking atheist coming

Into this bullshit, but since I

Went along with you on that

First step on a goof where I'm

Powerless over alcohol, I guess

Then by default, alcohol would

Have to be my only higher power,


(audience cheers and applauds)

I'll go with the--I'll go with

Vodka, I guess.

If I am to be a monotheist and

Pick just one, I will go with


It's a good all occasions.

It mixes well in the morning

With a nice citrus beverage.

Makes a good christmas drink

With neighbor dave and evil e.

The people say, well, what's--

You know, what's the big deal?"

And by people, I mean all you

Shitheads on my facebook page

That every time I say something

Anti-aa or pro-charlie sheen

Or anti dr. Drew--

"stanhope, I'm normally with you

On, you know, most of everything

You say, but you really--you're

Off the--off the mark on this.

Drug abuse is a really serious


It's a serious issue.

So what's the problem if someone

Has to believe in a higher power

To get them through?"

That's not the problem!

The problem is when a medical

Professional who is on every

Goddamn night on the fucking

News is telling you, you have a

Disease that's not a disease,

And he's telling you the cure is

A god that doesn't exist.

It's a big fucking problem.

What's your problem?

What's your problem?

So what?

It's a problem.

It's a problem of the earth.

I got bladder cancer and you're

Applying leeches instead of

Doing research.


It's a huge problem.


I have comics that will call me

Up because of the economy, like,

"dude, how you doing on the

Road out there?

You getting beat up?

Like, how--"

You go like, I drink as much

As I ever drank, yeah.

I feel like shit physically, but

I'm not like--I'm not in agony

But I feel lethargic for years,

Or decade maybe.

It's just my piss stinks.

That's not normal.

I was in fucking anchorage for a

Summer solstice at becker's

House, outside I'm pissing on a

Pine tree, and they're having a


I'm like 20 yards away pissing

On a pine tree, and my buddy

Billy, bad fireman says, "dude,

Is that your piss?"

You could smell my piss?

He's like, "god damn it, what's

Wrong with you?"

I don't--I don't know.

I don't know.

My kidneys are fucking


I don't know.

Taking a leak on a tree in the

Great wilderness of alaska

Should not be a "who farted?"


So maybe--yeah, maybe I'm

Getting beat up, like, my

Internal organs.

I shit.

I shit a lot during the day, but

I always--I mean like ten times,

But not a lot of product.

They're just like clumps, and

It comes out in a consistency.

If it's not just sheer liquid,

It's like thick mud.

Do you ever see history channel,

And you're watching like g.I.'s

In world war ii trying to push a

Jeep out of deep mud and it's

Just that like packed--it's like

Soft-serve ice cream.

It comes out like that, but not

A lot at a time.

It's just--it's almost like a--

And I don't know if my organs

Are just--I'm way too fat in the

Middle to--for as little as I


I just--it's just in the middle

Part is always bloated, so I

Don't know if my organs from all

The drinking, or the liver and

Kidneys are swelling up and

Pushing against the

Gastrointestinal tract and

Making it hard for the shit to

Get--like shit has to push its

Way through like a--like an

Offensive line, a fourth and

One, it's just--so you gotta--

You don't have to get the whole

Football over the line, just get

A piece over the line and we--


And then my friend the comic on

The other line will say, "no, I

Meant beat up like ticket sales.

How does--how is--like the

Economy is all in the rubbish


Oh, sorry about that whole

Soliloquy about my chewing-

Tobacco loads of dumps that I


Yeah, tickets are fine.


If you wanna feel bad for

Someone in a down-turned

Economy, I'll give you someone.

Prostitutes, because a

Prostitute doesn't have that

Same worst-case scenario b-plan

That we all enjoy.

No matter how shitty things are

Going for you on the job.

"danny, if they lay off any more

People, I'm gonna be out on the

Street sucking dicks for a


I got nothing else.

I'm serious."

Hooker doesn't have that same

Safety net.

Hookers are already out there

Sucking dicks.

Here is a hooker jugging a cock,

A fucking sour-milk-smelling

Cock behind a dumpster right now

And she's staring up at your

Office building thinking, "they

Lay off any more people, more

People gonna be out here sucking

Dicks, it's gonna be a buyer's


More people out here sucking


I'm gonna have to start doing

Anal just to compete in the


Woman my age shouldn't have to

Do anal.

I ain't built right for it no


I gotta do exercises in the


I do squat thrusts, trying to

Strengthen up my shit pussy in

Case this whole thing goes


I'm doing ass kegels every


You can't afford to get all

Loosey-goosey down in your ass

Pussy, not in this economy.

If you get baggy in your shit

Pussy, you'd be tonguing ass for

A living.

That ain't proper work for no

Human being.

If you tongue ass, you gotta get

Up early, sugar.

Set your alarm clock and get

Down to construction site before

The boys in the orange vests

Show up and wait for them.

Take all the toilet paper out,

Wait for them to take that

Gravely good morning and

Starbucks shit.

You hear them scratching around

On the fiberglass.

You go, 'there ain't no toilet

Paper in there, sugarplum, but

I'll clean you out real good for

25 dollars.'

That ain't no way for a

Human being to make a living.

You call that getting the blood


Get in here and get the blood


Where amnesty international


If you do anal, you gotta watch

Your diet.

Can't--can't eat no more gummy

Bears, no more licorice whips.

Can't swallow your gum.

No more canned cheese.

Gotta eat triscuit wafers, get

Fiber in your diet.

You gotta keep regular,


If you're gonna have regular

Clientele, you gotta be

Regular in your ass pussy.

You can't get baggy in your shit

Pussy in a bad economy.

This whole motherfucking economy

Built on a house of cards.

First of all, you gotta get this

Shit, get that federal reserve

Back on a gold standard.

What the fuck is that?

We got government printing off

Fiat currency.

You're building a whole

Motherfucking house of cards.

It's a charade fiat currency.

The consumer gotta understand

That the currency only have as

Much value as the consumer

Have faith in the currency, you

Gotta back that shit up with

Precious metal, buttface.

Fuck keynesian economic


That's what I'm saying to you,


Fuck keynes and his philosophy.

Dig up that dead jew milton


He's a nobel peace prize winner,

Motherfucking economic major.

You dig up that dead jew.

Ask milton friedman, dead jew

Corpse, what he thinks about the

Current economic crisis, and he

Would tell you, 'you better

Strengthen up your shit pussy,

Baby, 'cause this whole economy

Is going down.'

Sometimes I carry a little baby

Carrot in my asshole when I walk

The street, and I just suckle on

That motherfucker."


Don't you like how I made that

Urban hooker real smart at the


She was a fucking--she was

Saying shit I don't even


I need a fucking black cock.

I need a--is there a--is there

Any black cock in here?

Hey, can we do that when we edit

This out?

When we edit this, just like

Don't even use this audience,

Just smash cut to the, like a

Martin lawrence show audience,

It's just all-black people just

Laughing hysterically at me?

'cause that looks so much

Cooler, and people would be, "I

Don't know he was like--

I guess he's a big, like, urban

Act, this doug stanhope."

But I need a picture of a black

Cock, if you have a--if there's

Black cock in here and you want

A model after this show.

I mean--this is--wasn't even a

Bit when I first started asking.

It was a serious--

I need a picture of me with a

Fat black cock just slapped

Across my open mouth, sideways,

Like, ahhh.

Like a fucking bratwurst,

A at packer tailgating--


It doesn't have to be giant.

It's just sizeable.

It has to be photogenic

Veiny black cock.

Your face doesn't have to be in


Just--we can crop that out.

Just me, ahhh.

I have a picture I keep in my

Wallet of my father's corpse.

My father died in 2001.

He was just a fat nice guy.

He died at 73.

He had colon cancer.

It had just fucking tore him


He was a fat nice guy.

He was always nice, and he made

Blueberry pancakes, and he

Didn't have opinions, he just

Smiled, and he's fat, and then,

He was down to like 78 pounds,

And I have a picture of me

Kissing him on the forehead,

Moments after he died.

I'm all full of fucking tears.

And I keep that picture in my

Wallet to show people who show

Me baby pictures.

(laughter and applause)

"oh, you see.

Did you know I had a baby?

Look at this."

You go, "oh, you had a baby.

Well, this is--this is how that


This is what--this is what you


That's what you made.

Did you consider that before you

Had that hubris to fucking just

Create people without their


Because that's gonna be your

Corpse one day, and that'll be

Your crying child not

Understanding why someone who's

Done nothing but be really nice

To people has to be fucking

Raped to death with shit cancer

By nature like that, and then it

Will be your baby's corpse with

A gray death mask, and when you

Touch their cheeks, all the cold

Drool that's built up in their

Open mouth spills onto your


Do you want a copy?"

And that's why--that's why I

Want the black cock photo to go

As a companion piece.


Because I use the word "faggot"

Very liberally and I never

Attach sexuality to it.

It's just a fun word of

Weakness, and it's happy.

I love homosexuality.

I promote it.

You fuck and you don't leave

Fucking garbage on the earth

Because of it.

You know, fucking nothing.

I don't have to look at pictures

Of the results.

Yeah, fucking homosexuality.

I fucking--I support

Wholeheartedly, and I use the

Word "nigger" when nigger's the

Appropriate word, like, or if

I'm just quoting mel gibson.

I'm not gonna say, "oh, and then

He said I hope you get raped by

A pack of n-words."

No, it's fucking nigger.

It's a sound you can make with

Your mouth and fucking get over


If you're offended by any word

In any language, it's probably

Because your parents were unfit

To raise a child.

They were too stupid.

They should have been neutered

Because all it is a sound you

Can make with your mouth that

You shouldn't be--it's not a

Weakness that you have


When you come out of that pink

Ugly hole onto this planet,

You're nothing but a gooey

Shrieking wrinkled ball of


That's all you are.

You're just weak.

You're nothing but weak, and

Your parents look at that, and

They think not weak enough.

We can make this thing even

Weaker by training it pavlovian

To react poorly to different

Sounds that you can make with

Your mouth.

We'll list them up.

This is the worst thing.

If anyone ever says this sound,

Blah la, la la la,

That's the worst thing they can

Call you, so make sure to recoil

And cry and be hurt and

Devastated and eat ice cream on

A couch for days and then write

A song about it.

You wouldn't do that otherwise.

You'd just be happier if your

Parents didn't fuck it up with

Their stupid--you'd just be a

Happier person.

I could just walk right up to

You and go, "hey, cunt," and

You'd go, "no, I'm rebecca,

But I guess I have a face that

Looks like a lot of different


What's your name?

Welcome to salt lake."

But your parents ruined that,

And that's a--I just need a

Fucking picture of the fucking

Giant black cock and me just

Feasting on it with fucking

Magic in my eyes.


That way people get upset.

You know, if you say faggot, and

You say it's just a sound, but

You know what?

If you grew up with an

Alternative lifestyle like I

Did, and you were taunted on a

Schoolyard, and you go, "hang

On, sugarplum, look right here,

Just look at that picture.

You relaxed now?"



Can I just--

Because I don't care.

"nigger" is just, yo, you think

That's--you're edgy to throw

That around, and you know, but

You don't--the history of

Hatred with that word, you go,

"hang on, look right here.

Look, do you know what black

Cock tastes like?

Then why don't you study your

Roots a little bit more like I


And in the meantime, back off."

Who is the faggot nigger now,


Who is the faggot nigger now?

(crowd whistles and applauds)

Have you ever considered

Registering as a sex offender

Just so you have a legitimate

Excuse for why your friends

Can't bring their stupid

Children over to your house?

That's all it would take.

That's all it would take.

I never thought--oh wait, that's

So easy.

I'd just put myself on a web

Site somewhere.

And then your friend calls up,

"yeah, you're having a Monday

Night football party, shit,

Yeah, I wanna come.

I got custody this week though.

You don't mind if I bring jimmy

Junior and the baby, do you?"

You go, "oh, yeah, jim, I'd love

To see the kids.

You know they're a treasure at

Every party, but, uh, I had an

Incident years back, and now I'm

On a watchdog site, so why don't

You just leave those kids locked

In a hot car and you bring beer

Like anyone else would do at a


Who thinks that's okay?

"plus I'm a huge saints fan, and

I might fuck the shit out of

Your kids if they're ahead at

Half-time because I'm real

Superstitious, so, yeah, you

Bring cold beer like anyone else

Would do."

Because we moved to a small town

In arizona.

We live in a town--bisbee,


It's a beautiful little town,

6,000 people on the mexican


It's far away from anything

And anyone, but you have to,

Like, be polite to people.

It's not like here, "fuck you

Faggots," and I run out the

Backdoor, and I don't come back

For two years and--

And people do, they'll just

Bring their children to a party.

They don't even ask.

Like who would think that's okay

To bring kids?

It's like you've invited me to

Your wedding, and I go, "just

Brought chickens with me.

I got a pen full of chickens.

I won't even ask.

I'll just bring them and assume

That's okay.

"I brought my chickens.

Yeah, congratulations.

Yeah, they squawk and peck and--

But they won't hurt anyone

They'll just fucking bring this

Whole shindig down."

So you try to be polite,

Passive-aggressive, "oh yeah,

You you might not wanna bring

Your kids to this party.

There' a lot of my comic friends

Are gonna be here.

It gets out of control.

And then they'd think you're

Worried about their kids.

No, I'm worried about my party,


"oh, come on, don't worry about

The kids.

They've heard every word in the


Yeah, except for fuck off, they

Haven't heard those words often

Enough 'cause it's a party, man.

"put them in a corner, they'll

Entertain themselves."

Yeah, while they irritate

Everybody else.

It's partying.

My friends are doing fucking

Rails of prescription drugs

They've chopped up, crush a

Giant line of adderall, and they

Snort it off a coffee table and

Get to the end, and then your

Fucking pie-faced kids playing

With a goddamn choo-choo train.


Oh! Ah!

I wanna go home."

It's a buzz kill.

It's horrific.

That's the only drugs to do in


It's kind of a dry town.

Drugs come through bisbee,

That's what's fucked up.

We're on the mexican border

Where they have border patrol,

National guard, minutemen,

Militias, trying to stop the

Flow of aliens and drugs coming

Through, but all those drugs are

Coming through, they don't stop.

I'd lived there six years.

It's the driest place I've ever


So I can--there's no weed if

You--I don't smoke it,

Occasionally, but there's blow

That's torn apart and stepped


It's like a 3-2-blow.

Hey, little local, gotcha, huh?

A little local gotcha.

Hey, I'm so clever.


Here's a big night in bisbee.

Sometimes I'll take two xanax

And two laxatives at bedtime,

And I'll play chicken in my


That's a thrill ride.

That's a hometown thrill ride

Because it's kind of like three

Highs at once, because it starts

Out as a downer, turns into


Wakes up as a huge amphetamine,

Like, "oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."

You do that on the road, it's

Not really a risk 'cause that's

Not really your bed.

But you do that at the house in

Your own tempur-pedic, you wake

Up with a jolt.

"ah, oh, oh, oh, oh."

Won again, I won again.

Double or nothing?

Sometimes in bisbee, I'll take

Two xanax and two laxatives, and

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll take two ex-lax, two xanax,

Play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'll play chicken in my sleep.

I'm just trying to point out to

You how lazy songwriters are.

You overrated, do-nothing,

Over-celebrated, lazy


You have three minutes to fill a

Song, and you sing the same shit

Over and over and over.

I have to do an hour and 10

Minutes up here, every word has

To be different.

They all have to go in one


They can't be open to

Interpretation because they

Don't make sense, and they're


Yes, and I get dick, you get

Fucking grammy awards, and

Accolades, and pussy, and I

Get--I get a hot shot of

Jagermeister for my trouble.

You got three minutes.

Yes, sally has to slow the

Mustang down, I understand that.

What's the rest of the story?

You already said it once.

It's a chorus.

No, it's sloth.

Write a fucking song.

I've--I've grown such a palpable

Distaste or distrust of artists.

Artists--and keep in mind, when

I say I don't like artists,

Remember I--anything that I

Don't understand or can't do is


(audience cheers)

Whatever it is.

Roller skating, faggy, it's

Because I can't barely stand up

On shoes, much less skates.

Yeah, everything--so art is

Stupid to me anyway 'cause I

Don't--but artists, we--we

Live in an artist community.

I've found that artists can

Generally be as self-righteous

And humorless and intolerant as

Even the fucking religious


They can be a huge bucket of


They're fucking awful--

"no, that's not-- "

And that's why we moved to

Bisbee, it's an artist


I had to get the fuck out of


I have been to this town a bunch

Of times.

It's a cool beautiful little

Town, and I'd go, "oh, and it's

An artist community."

I'm an impulse buy kind of guy,

"so alright, let's just go," and

We moved there, like yeah,

Bought a house, no turning back.

It turns out my art doesn't

Really fit in the whole cog and

Gears of an artist community.

I don't--I'm an artist, too, and

It'll be fun, and we'll live

With other kind of artsy--

"no, not you."

If you can imagine an arts

Fair, and then imagine my booth.

So--so it doesn't--doesn't

Really kind of mesh, and you try

To like "oh, you're an artist


I just moved into town.

What--what kind of art?

Oh, you make turquoise belt


Oh, I'm an artist as well.

Maybe we can hang out.

Right now I'm working on a piece

About how a lot of the corpses

From that japanese tsunami that

Got swept out to sea when they

Washed up days and weeks later,

They kind of looked korean,

Which is weird because that's

Basically the major difference

Between, and I think that asian

Women are the most beautiful

Women on the planet.

Pound for pound, per capita,

Asian women are the most

Beautiful, except for the ugly

Ones, they're just--

Oh, but they are more pretty per

Person, and that--and that's the

Major difference between the

Japanese and the korean is that

The japanese have more of an

Angular feature where the korean

Has a more like a swollen boxy

Bucket head like it's soaked in

Saltwater for a long time, but

Still beautiful, beautiful


I think they're--and I'm not

Sexualizing them either.

When I say that asian women are

Beautiful, it's not a sexual


I'm not being degrading.

I find them sexually repulsive

Because I--I don't like that

Whole subservient, ah-ha-ha-ha.

Have you ever seen japanese

Shit porn where they,


You know, the picture with the

Girl upside down in the tub

With the geyser of shit coming


I don't know.

I don't know how much time you

Spend on the internet.

Not trying to be an internet


Don't like them.

I'll fucking occasionally find a

Picture like that and send it

Out on the fucking news feeds,

On the twitters, and all that,

And then people will go, "that's

Like 2005."

You go, it's the fucking

Internet, faggot.

It's like 8 billion channels.

Don't act like it's 1983, and I

Just found "mork & mindy."


Yeah, it's fucking the internet.

But yeah, the asian women, not

Sexualizing them, they're gross.

I like more of a german

Dominatrix-y, like mean--you

Fucking tongue out my fucking

Unwashed ass, you fucking fat

Faggot, not ha-ha-ha.

I'm not degrading japanese women

By it.

I'm not sexualizing them.

I'm saying they have gungy

Cunts, too.

That's another thing.

If you look like--

High-definition ruined a lot of

Things that I used to hold

Sacrosanct in pornography, and a

Japanese vagina is one of them

Because, yeah, with that kind

Of clarity, it's a--it tends to

Be like jaundiced around the


You know how overweight people's

Inner thighs get when they rub

Together, they become


A japanese vagina is a really

Gungy looking, and the hair--

It's not a--you know, not too

Much hair, but the hair that's

There is always matted.

When you have the perfect

Porcelain skin of a china doll,

That's no place for the random

Black wiry ass hair of a rodent.

It's just--it just sticks out

Like a bed spring.

So I'm not sexualizing them.

I'm saying they're beautiful as

People like art.

They're beautiful like art.

And I'm working on an art piece

About how maybe that's how the

Korean culture started is

Japanese people swimming away

From an evil emperor across the

Sea of japan and then drowning

Right close to the shores of

Korea and then becoming korea,

Which doesn't make sense because

Dead people can't procreate, but

That's why I'm talking to you as

An artist, maybe we can help

Each other.

I'll talk to you about your belt

Buckles, throw in--spitball

Some ideas, maybe put a third

Piece of turquoise on the belt

Buckle, make it a triangle.

It'll kind of look like the

State of texas.

You could probably sell more in

This area, and you might say to

Me, "hey, tone down on the gungy

Cunts of the jap--japaniards,"

And together we could become

Better artists, but instead of

That, they just stare at me

Blankly and never call back.

(laughter and applause)

So it's--it's--

It's a trying place, the artist

Community, but we have a big


Again, I am gonna put that in

There for later for continuity


Artists who say that they're

Artists are usually people who

Need a job.

Like if you ask, what do you do?

And they say, "I'm an artist,"

Rather than just say what the

Fuck they do, it's because they

Do an art no one really wants to

See, and it's kind of a--it's a

Shit bag trick because it forces

You to act like you're


If I say, what do you do?

It's because I'm in a pinch, I

Have nothing else to say.

What do you do?

Now you say I'm an artist which

Forces me, puts the onus on me

To act like I'm interested in

Art by saying, "oh really?

What type of art?"

Which is invariably something no

One wants to see.

Oh I'm a playwright.

Oh yeah, that needs to be done

Over and over again.

You know we have movies now.

They took the place of plays.

They're not two separate things.

We've made movies 'cause plays

Suck and we could make movies

All of a sudden, 'cause a play

Is an awkward thing to watch.

Have you ever seen a play?

Is there anything more

Embarrassing and fucking filthy

To sit through?

I don't like any form of live

Entertainment where there is a

Fourth wall, where you pay $150

For a front row broadway

Tickets, and I have some asshole

Who pretends you're not here,

While I pretend to drive a

Motorboat or I fence with a guy.

That's rude.

>> whoo!

I'm-- "we're belly dancers."

Oh, good.

Yeah, well, how does that work

Again, the belly dancing?

Oh, when we took titty dancing,

Removed all the fun and

Sexuality, and replaced it with

Jangly clangy things that scare

The shit out of your dogs.

We're belly dancers."

No, you're fat girls.

Put on a robe, alright?

Come on.

I don't have anything near a

6-pack myself, but I'm not gonna

Throw wind chimes on a beer gut

And call it free expression.

Artist communities love to

Bullshit each other and

Glad-hand one another, and

There's no room for the fucking

Crippling honesty of comedy.

"I'm a painter."

Well, you don't probably need to

Do that.

At some point, yeah, you had to

Paint to--yeah, cavemen did

That because they didn't have a

Word for a fucking "arrow" and


If you're painting something

That doesn't exist, I understand


I can appreciate, like, salvador

Dali shit, like melting


I'm a tripper.

I don't see melting clocks a


That's something I can stare at.

But if you're painting--oh it's

A barnyard seen in autumn.

Well, then just take a picture

Of a barn in autumn.

It's way better than a


"well, you just don't appreciate

It because you're shallow."

You have to look at all the

Detail that the artist put into

Every tiny brushstroke.

Well, look at the detail in 9

Billion megapixels on a fucking


Someone worked their ass off to

Make that fucking computer chip,

Some woman in hong kong with a

Diamond glass trying to put a

Chip together with all those

Megapixels, she's as much of an

Artist as you.

She doesn't get a gallery

Showing every Friday and get to

Grow out her armpit hair without


What about her?

What about her?

(audience cheers and applauds)

I really don't like art with a

Message unless the message is

Crystal clear.

It doesn't--if you have a

Message that really needs to be

Said, just fucking say it.

Don't hide it in indecipherable

Lyrics, fucking sculpture.

It's a play, and there's


Fucking say it 'cause the people

Who need to hear messages are

Dumb as shit.

The masses of humanity are dumb

As shit, and you're really just

Pandering to your friends.

Say what the fuck you mean.

Just say it, title the song,

Eat more leafy greens.

Yeah, give a hoot, don't


It's as much message in art

Combined 'cause I get that.

It's a poem, but I'm pretty sure

You're saying don't pollute.

But if you have something--

"ooh I have the cure for cancer,

And I have hidden it in this

Rubik's cube."

Just fucking say it.

Art with a message.

'cause I don't care anymore.

Like I used to have some type of

Social relevance in my act, and

There was a point where I--I

Really gave a shit about stuff

To a--to a point where it was

Ruining my life.

And I guess like 10 years ago I

Thought well, yeah, you know,

I'm gonna - I'm gonna change the


I'm gonna talk about stuff.

In 20 years of comedy, I've

Probably had a dozen good points

That I reflect on and go,

That was actually a really

Fucking good piece, and it

Really--it had a point that

Made sense, but the whole

Changing the world thing never

Really kicked in.

The revolution I was starting

Where I thought I could yell at

200 people in a bar every night

And change the world, yeah, it

Didn't--didn't quite happen,

Like egypt and syria.


And it's--it's frustrating,

Because you do a bit, and then

You'd go, "oh, that's fucking

Really good, and then it just--

The problem is still there.

And someone will say, "oh,

Abortion's back in the news."

And you go, "why?

I already solved that on a 2004


How can it possibly still exist?

I've yelled at thousands of

Drunk people about that.

Maybe I'll rewrite it and

Repackage it."

It gets frustrating as shit

Where you're like I don't care.

Fuck it.

Fuck everyone.

It's just frustrating as if you

Live in a world full of starving

People where occasionally you

Could point out food that no one

Else seemed to notice, for a

Living, where you go on stage

And you'd go, "did you ever

Notice there's a plate of

Nachos right over there?"

And people would go, "oh, he's

So right, there is a plate of


I never noticed that."

But instead of eating them,

They shove them up their noses

And assholes for entertainment

Value and get no nutrition out

Of it even though they're

Fucking starving to death.

And it's not just the audience

Or the world, even my own social

Circle, people who fucking--

"doug, you know, what you said

About gay marriage, that was

Right on the money.

Marriage itself is an antiquated


It has no place in a progressive


It has nothing that anyone needs

To do.

I'm still getting married on

Saturday though 'cause janice

Doesn't really--yeah, she

Doesn't get your act.

She doesn't think you're funny,

So we're getting married, but

It's a really good point though.

And what you said--that one

Thing you said, overpopulation.

You're right, doug.

You're not really funny anymore,

But you're right.

What you said about

Overpopulation, most of the

World's problems are based on


There's just too many god damn


We're still gonna have the baby

'cause janice's biological clock

Is ticking, and plus we live in

A gated community.

It's not really overpopulation

If you're gonna afford to send

It to a montessori school is

My take, but it's right--

What you're doing is a good

Thing, and you should keep doing

It, and don't die on us.

What you said about drugs,

You're right on the money, doug.

Drugs, I never thought of it

Like that.

It's a private property issue.

All drugs should be legal 'cause

Your body is your own private


You own your own meat.

If you own nothing else in the

World, you own the fucking meat

That's packing your bones.

Yeah, so all the drugs - yeah,

It doesn't matter what it is.

Drugs, to fucking, just put a

Needle in your arm, tattoo

Yourself, pierce yourself,

Fucking eat cheese sandwiches,

Throw cheese sandwiches down

Your top hatch till you're so

Fat you have to pay for two

Seats on southwest airlines.

That's your prerogative 'cause

You own your own meat.

Do whatever you want to it.

Drink yourself silly.

You find something living

Rent free in your uterus, evict

That motherfucker.

This is private property.

There's no squatter's rights.

Pay rent or quit.

That's a good point, doug.

Drugs should be your own

Prerogative, whatever it is,

Huffing a gassy rag, that's

What you wanna do, except for

Heroin 'cause that's what killed


That's what we really need the

Federal government to come in

And stop this, and I can't

Understand why I'm so fucking

Thirsty all the time.

I'm--you're so right.

You're so right.

I just don't listen.

I just don't listen."

(audience cheers and applauds)

So I just don't give a shit


That's what I do for a living.

I try to write more fist-fuck

Jokes and enjoy myself more.

It doesn't matter.

We ain't winning shit.

I got on--I get to a point

Where, like, my act was making

My entire life miserable where

It's just--and it's still not

Good, but it's--I just hate

Everything and fuck it, it's so


Doesn't anyone see how dumb this


Like some people go, "isn't

The world a crazy place?"

And they're fine with that.

And I'm like, "this is fucked


This is really fucked up.

We're like dark ages people, and

I'm not even smart.

And that's the most terrifying

Part when you realize I'm not

Even a bright person, but I'm

Still probably in the top 3%

Of the smartest people on this

Planet, and I'm pretty

Fucking dumb.

And you go, "how alone are we?"

And then you go, "I don't give

A shit."

At one point, you go, "44."

I'm way closer to dead than I

Am life of the party, and I

Don't have children, so why am I

Getting so enraged about all

This nonsense?

I don't care.

I don't care getting all upset

About the fucking planet.

I'm gone pretty soon.

I left no litter behind.

That's your problem.

I'm treating this planet like

The fucking rental car that it

Is, and I'm turning it in

Trashed with a bumper hanging

Off, fuck your insurance, fuck

The environment, I didn't ask to

Be here.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Someone created me.

Yes, I know that's a selfish


It's a selfish thing.

But you know what?

I've cared about other stuff,

And, yeah, me not caring about

Stuff, well, affect it as much

As me caring about stuff, which

Is none.

I just wanna close strong.

I wanna--I wanna have a great


As a comic, I want to have a

Great closing bit.

I want to have a great closing

Bit for my career.

Once I find that bit, I can stop

Yelling about stuff and slink


I don't care if I have to

Fucking whatever for a living.

>> we love you anyway.

>> who do we got to kill?

>> who do you have to kill?


The closer, the closing bit--

Last year at sea world, a killer

Whale leapt out of the tank

And grabbed its trainer by the

Head and pulled her underwater,

And ate her at the end of a live


I don't know that it was the

Scheduled end of the show,

But on that night they decided

To close on it.

It leapt up, grabbed her

Ponytail, pulled her underwater,

And chewed on her for quite some


'cause it's a fucking killer


You can't give it the hook like

It's vaudeville, like,

? na na na na-na wa ?


They had to let it go.

And I read that story with such

Palpable envy 'cause that's

Everything I want to bring to


That story--like, if I could

Find some parallel closing bit,

I would never do comedy again

'cause that's everything I wanna

Present to an audience is it's

Inherently hilarious, but it's

Got a sense of horror, and it's

Just a horrifying--but it -

There's an unmistakable message

And justice within because

First of all, you're not a

Killer whale trainer.

You didn't call yourself and

Dress up in the spandex like a

Killer whale.

You're not a killer whale

Trainer because from my limited

Knowledge of marine biology,

Killer whales come out

Previously trained.

They're already perfect killer

Whales unless you're trying to

Train them to do backflips for

Fucking sardines and to dance on

Their tails which they don't do


You're training them to be

Fucking circus monkeys and--by

Withholding a food source.

You're not a trainer.

You're a fuck-with-er.

You fuck with killer whales.

That's what you do.

You take away their food until

They do unnatural acts and then

You call yourself a--

You can say, "oh, no, she did a

Lot of hard work, and the

Research they did because of the

Sea world.

She could follow their mating

Habits and help them proliferate

In the wild when they're a

Dwindling species," and you go,

"yeah, you could do that

Regardless without making them

Dance on their tails 'cause

They're starving for a fucking


You could've done it without

Fucking with them.

So don't tell me they did a lot

Of good work 'cause you could

Have done that without the--fuck

With them.

That's like if I went to somalia

Right now, worst drought in 60

Years, I picked up a dozen kids

That were starving to death and

Brought them over here to help


But first, I paraded them out on

Stage for a matinee show and

Drug a wiener on a string till

They jumped through a series of

Burning hoops, and then at the

End I made them present and

Stand and jump on their tippy

Toes to get the hotdog, and

They go--? ta-da ?

You wouldn't call me a trainer.

You'd call me an asshole, and

You would clap and applaud

Wildly when they turned on me

And ate my head in front of the

Fucking sold-out show.

(audience cheers and applauds)

And that's everything I'm

Jealous of.

When I find that in the closing

Bit 'cause that's a serious


That's a closer because anyone

Who was at that live performance

Will never be able to enjoy live

Entertainment again.

Nothing will ever top what they

Saw, and no one can ever top

Their story.

I was at monterey when fucking

Hendrix lit his guitar on fire,

And he was on acid, and I was on

Acid, and everyone was on acid,

And ahh!

Oh, yeah?


I was at--


I was at sea world.

I was at sea world last February

Where I watched a killer whale

Chew on its trainer's head in

Front of a glass, in front of

Screaming children with their

Parents trying to cover their

Eyes, recoiling in horror,

Heading for the exits, but still

Having to stop and watch for

Over 35 minutes.

So yeah, no, I don't wanna go

See your friend danny play

Flamenco guitar at the vip


I gotta go.

I'll be--I'll be back.

(audience cheers and applauds)

I shall return.

Thanks, have a good night.

What, the bottle?

Yeah, no, I'll do that.

I'm gonna drink--the lady

Bought me the beer, and then the

Other lady said, "I'm gonna

Drink it.

I'm gonna drink some and then

I'll get a bottle, how's


(in high-pitched voice)

Don't wait to get drinks.

She'll just get chattier if I

Don't...Here, have this drink.


It's easier than fucking you.

I'm just saying.

>> I ought to be offended by


>> you should be offended by that?

>> yes.

>> no, I said you weren't easy to fuck,

Which you should be

Offended by 'cause fucking

Should be something that comes


Fucking is not something you

Should build your life around.

Easier than giving you the

Disease by fucking you--

>> what makes you think--

>> my girlfriend is retarded,

But she could explain this joke

To you.