Double Whammy (2001) - full transcript
Ray Pluto is a detective with a problem due to the loss of his wife and daughter. One day, he is in a fast food place, and due to a pain in his back, he is not able to avoid a mass murderer of six people. A young boy uses his gun and kills the killer. He becomes a loser in the eyes of the police force and public opinion, and his partner convinces him to have a session with the chiropractor Dr. Ann Beamer. A complicated romance between them grows. Meanwhile, at least two other plots happen in the movie involving detective Pluto and other odd characters.
It may seem
like a cold town
But, man, let me tell ya,
it's a soul town
( hip-hop music plays )
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
But, man, let me tell ya,
it's a soul town
Go, go, go...
( police radio on )
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Aren't you going in?
I thought you were.
I went in yesterday, Jerry.
Would you mind, Ray?
'Cause my knee's killing me.
Your knee?
What about my back?
- Anybody care about that?
- I'm sorry. I care.
I'll just take
a Double Bun Burger!
Have a Burger Bun day.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- Two Double Bun burgers
- and a chocolate shake, please.
- Is that it?
No, I'll take an order
of fried nose rings too.
- What?
- I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
Knock yourself out, dude.
Knock myself out?
- What does that mean?
- ( woman screams )
Woman:
Oh my God!
Man: Born and raised
in Brooklyn.
36 years.
Went to P.S. 115.
Mom and Dad wanted me to go
to Catholic school.
My best friend John...
man, he was cool.
Wish he could see me now.
- Do I have your attention now?
- Yes, sir.
Then look at me
when I talk to you!
I'm trying,
but it's difficult...
- with my back--
- Fuck your back!
I got the mayor, the commissioner,
the C. of D. up my ass
because you were standing
right there with your weapon out,
and you couldn't stop one guy
from killing six people!
I know, sir,
I should have dropped the guy.
Nobody feels worse
about this than I do.
Any thoughts on
that comment, Dimitri?
With all due respect,
Lieutenant...
I imagine the relatives
of the victims
might feel worse
than Detective Pluto.
Lieutenant:
They just might.
- Any questions for him?
- Dimitri: No, it's pretty clear.
- Questions about what?
- Your cases.
- I've reassigned them to Dimitri.
- Why?
Because you're a goddamn cripple!
- I'm fine.
- Stand up!
You're on restricted duty
until I get confirmation
from the chief surgeon
that your back's 100%.
Now get out!
Dimitri, get this faggot
a wheelchair.
- Hey, Ray.
- Where have you been?
- I went to get the paper.
- What about your knee?
I took it real slow.
It was over when I got back.
- What did Spigot say?
- I'm on restricted duty
- till I get this back fixed.
- And me?
I told him
you were getting gas.
Thanks. Oh shit!
I'm sorry.
Listen, I owe you.
Anything you want, just name it.
- How about a new back?
- All right.
Why don't you go see
a chiropractor?
I need a real doctor,
not some frou-frou shit like that.
Jerry:
What are you talking about?
Wait. Listen to me.
When my back went out,
I couldn't get off the floor.
I had to crawl to the bathroom
on my hands and knees.
My brother-in-law turned me
on to this chiropractor, and...
it's incredible.
It's crazy shit, but it works.
- They do this adjustment--
- Pluto.
Here's your gun.
It was tough getting it
back from that kid.
He was afraid you wouldn't know
what to do with it.
- I could stick it up your ass.
- You could...
but there's no bad guys
up there.
What, no room with
Spigot's dick up there?
Reporter: Detective Pluto,
Channel 10 News.
Do you feel responsible
for the death of those people?
Do you feel responsible for
the death of your wife and daughter?
How does it feel being upstaged
by an eight-year-old?
Man: Look at this shit!
- Mira, Maribel!
- Maribel: What?
Don't tell me your friend
didn't do this.
- He didn't do it.
- Then who?!
I don't see everybody
who comes in this building.
- So it was your friend!
- It was not!
Would you two shut up?
I'm trying to watch the TV!
Tell him to leave me alone!
TV announcer:
Here's Bill with the latest
on this afternoon's
Burger blood-bath.
A brave eight-year-old boy
is now a national hero
for shooting a gunman
who slaughtered six people
in a crowded Brooklyn
Burger Bun this afternoon.
Ricky Lapinsky...
Man: Come here!
That says "Lucy," right?
Lucy!
It does not say "Lucy"!
- You can't even read!
- Ray, Ray...
got a minute?
What does that say?
I don't know, Juan,
it's all Chinese to me.
Ah-ha! So it's
your Chink friend, then!
You're so stupid!
Do you hear what
she calls me?! All right...
- forget the tattoo!
- See you later, Juan.
Take care.
You said I could.
When you learn to respect your
father and speak to your father,
then maybe I'll let you
look like a whore!
Mommy, he said I could get
a tattoo, and I'm getting it!
- Yes, I am!
- No, you're not!
If you don't shut up,
I'll go crazy!
I've been working all day
and I want to watch TV, cono!
Earlier today,
Mayor Geminelli praised Ricky
as one of New York's finest.
Geminelli:
This boy is a hero.
And if I had 20 more like him,
I could wipe out crime in this city.
TV announcer #1: The mayor
had less flattering remarks
for New York City
Detective Raymond Pluto
who was in the restaurant
ordering lunch
at the time of the massacre.
Although armed and standing
merely 10 feet away,
Detective Pluto apparently
was unable to stop the slaughter
because of a bad back.
Ray: What if I hadn't been
in the place?
Did they think about that?
Then the kid wouldn't have had
the gun to shoot the guy.
Hey, everybody,
welcome to Fitness Cheers!
We've got a really
tough workout coming up...
( phone rings )
- Yeah?
- Man: Detective Pluto?
I'm calling
from "The New York Post."
- I need to verify some facts.
- What facts?
Are you Detective Pluto
whose wife and daughter
were killed in a hit-and-run
accident two years ago?
I'll tell ya...
All right, guys,
let's stretch out.
Let's go down for four.
And two...
( phone rings )
You motherfucking cocksucking
fucking piece of shit!
- Fucking press cockroach!
- Ray? It's me, Jerry.
Hey.
Aw, man...
- I'm sorry, Jerry.
- Jerry: You all right?
- You sound really upset.
- I thought you were
this scumbag reporter
who's been calling.
I'm sorry.
How are you doing?
Just checking up on you.
What are you doing?
I was sitting around,
smoking some hash.
Yeah, me too! I just did
a whole bucket of crack!
You're too much, man.
I got the number
for that chiropractor.
Oh great. Go ahead
You're ready?
Dr. Beamer.
555-0191.
All right. Good, man.
- I appreciate it.
- So...
how are you feeling mentally?
I'm doing good, man.
You know?
- Thinking about a few things.
- Care to talk about it?
Sure.
Umm...
Did you ever notice...
women sometimes call
each other "guys"?
They'll say, "Let's go, guys,"
and it's all girls there.
Yeah,
I've seen them do that.
Guys don't do that.
You never hear guys go,
"Let's go, girls."
What, guys calling
other guys "girls"?
Ray: Yeah...
- it'd be an insult.
- Like calling them a fag.
Exactly. But it's okay
for women to say,
"Hey, let's go, guys."
It's fucking crazy.
Ray: You know?
- Yeah?
- All right... thanks for calling.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right.
( world trance music playing )
It's killer.
It'll blast you
like a Sandinistan guerilla.
Killer.
You don't know the diller.
Everybody knows
that I'm a killer.
- Man: Who is it?
- Cletis.
Man: About time.
- Maribel: I hate you!
- No, you don't!
You love me!
I'm your papi!
- Maribel: I hate you!
- No, you don't mean that!
- What you looking at?
- What the fuck you looking at?
You do that graffiti?
Cletis, come on!
We got work to do.
Pendejo, cono.
All right.
We got the guy already
tied up in the chair.
We got the Chinese food
already delivered.
Then you signal me,
just with your eye.
Yeah.
Then I take out a chopstick...
Iike this.
Put it in the guy's ear.
Then I take off my shoe.
- What do you think?
- It's too quick.
We want
to inflict pain, right?
Long, slow...
painful pain.
He's sitting in the chair...
all immobilized and shit.
Now, that would hurt.
- Cletis: You see that?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Man: Good shot!
- A dart in the eyeball.
That is pain.
And I got four more left.
Maybe I should throw a couple.
- You?
- Just...
one or two.
- You're saying you like this?
- Oh, man! Come on!
We're totally using that!
I told you.
You are a great writer.
Let's get this shit down.
Scene 29: interior,
- warehouse - day.
- Dictate this for me, Duke.
I want to do the darts
going in with a giant close-up.
We need the right sound.
I want a solid "thwock!"
when it sticks in the dude's head.
Write that down.
T-H-W-O-C-K.
Thwock.
Cute little guy.
He's getting that award
from Geminelli today.
Nothing for that cop, though.
I feel kind of sorry for him.
Oh come on.
The putz was there.
He had his gun out
and he couldn't do it.
It's called
"performance anxiety."
He just couldn't get it up.
Detective Pluto?
This way.
I think that was the guy.
How long has your back
been bothering you?
- About three years.
- You've never seen a chiropractor?
- No.
- Why not?
I usually go
to regular doctors.
I've been looking at your X-rays,
sent by your regular doctor
and I think
I've seen the problem--
in your lower back, here.
Can I say something
for a second?
Do you know chiropractic medicine
has been recognized
by medical associations
since 1963?
- No, I didn't know that.
- Well, it has.
Okay? Right.
Take a look at this. See?
Look at your lower spine.
Now...
Iook at this.
What do you see?
Doctor: The skeleton's
spine is curved...
whereas yours is straight.
No curve, no flexibility.
No flexibility, no strength.
Your muscles around
the vertebrae must work overtime
just to hold your spine
in place.
Finally, they spasm
and your back goes out.
Could you slip your jacket off
and lie down on the table?
Ray: Okay.
- Can you take your gun off?
- Oh... yeah.
Give it to me.
You'll be head up this end.
Face through the gap.
Do you have some kind
of pillow I could--
No, just relax your head.
- Okay.
- Relax.
Ray: Oh yeah...
Oh yeah.
I got it.
- Your L-5s are all jammed up.
- The L-5?
Yeah. Okay.
I'll release that.
Now, just relax.
It looks more frightening
than it is.
Just relax. It'll help
release your muscles.
Much better.
Turn over, please.
Don't cross your feet.
Okay, now...
- Just relax.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'll give you some exercises
to do every day
in addition
to the adjustments.
- Adjustments?
- ( pop )
How long have you been
on the police force?
I don't know.
Probably about--
- ( pop )
- Well done! Unbelievable.
It takes most people weeks
to get that kind of release.
Relax. I'll do one more thing,
and then you're through.
I want to pop
your fifth dorsal vertebra.
- Where is that?
- In the back of your spine.
- Take a deep breath in.
- Okay.
And let it go.
Didn't get it.
Let's try again.
Deep breath in.
Now breathe out.
You're holding back
on me, Detective.
Sorry.
Maybe you want
to try it again?
I think we've done
enough for today.
Girl: All right.
I got a tattoo.
- No, you didn't!
- Girl: I did!
Girl #2:
Let's see it then.
That shit
looks nice, Lucy.
Yeah, this bug's mad cute!
I'll look hot in my bikini
this summer, right?
- No doubt. We're buggin'.
- I get mine,
- we'll be the Buggin' Crew.
- Lucy: Oh yeah...
- the Three Lady Bugs.
- I'm getting one too.
- All in red.
- You dreamin', girl.
You ain't gonna
get a tattoo.
Lucy: Her father
would kill her.
Maybe you should get...
one of those stick-ons.
The shit that washes off.
Girl #2: Let's go
to my house. It's free.
I need cigarettes.
What's up, little one?
I wanna do it.
Hey, Ping Pong...
she wants to do it.
Let's do it.
- Where did you get the money?
- I found his Christmas tips
from all the tenants.
He's saving it for
our trip to Disneyworld.
He made $2,000
just from tips.
Shit, I should be a super.
- I want a third up front.
- How much is that?
Ping Pong,
what's a third of 2,000?
- A half would be 1,000.
- I know what a half is.
What the fuck
is a third of 2,000?!
It's 300.
I want $300,
then we do it.
Okay.
- Man: You like it?
- Where did you get it?
Mr. Magic's,
down in the Village.
What street?
- Avenue C. Why?
- I might get one.
Maribel:
How much does it cost?
Man: $45.
- Does it hurt bad?
- No, it doesn't hurt bad.
If you want, I can go with you
and make sure they do it okay--
You want a tattoo?
I'll give you one for free.
Let me see them come back here
and do this shit again,
I'll kick their ass.
- Shit.
- Hey, Juan, que pasa?
Just working, my friend.
Fucking graffiti's
like a fungus.
You don't take care of it
right away, it'll spread all over.
Well...
- you're taking care of it.
- I know who's doing it.
Those little shit friends
of Maribel's.
I'll catch them one day
and kick them right up the ass.
- How's your back?
- I'm seeing this chiropractor.
Ray, that shit don't work.
You gotta relax.
I go fishing.
- That's how I relax.
- Out in the ocean?
Are you fucking crazy?
Right there. 79th Street,
on the Hudson.
Good fishing there.
Come out with me one day.
You'll like it.
- I don't know.
- I got a rod.
I bought a rod for Maribel,
she don't use it.
Knock on my door,
we'll go fishing,
- that'll straighten you out.
- Maybe I'll do that.
- Let's do that.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Juan.
- Okay. Take care of that back.
Duke: Coming.
Your order.
Yo, I caught you on the tube.
I didn't know you were a cop.
I'm Duke. This is Cletis.
How you doing?
Ray Pluto.
What's with the suits?
Going to a costume party?
- No, this is how we dress.
- The '70s are back.
You should check it out.
- Okay.
Duke:
Let me ask you something.
You've seen a lot of
crazy shit as a cop, right?
- People shot, stabbed...
- I guess so.
Ever seen a guy
with darts stuck in him?
- Throwing darts?
- Cletis: Yes.
Perforating him in the head,
the eyeballs and the chin.
Have you ever seen
anything like that?
I don't think so.
You've never seen it
in a movie either, have you?
No, I-- no.
All right.
( hip-hop music plays )
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
I'll tell you, Lieutenant,
I've been doing
these exercises every day,
and my back
has never felt better.
"Det. Pluto has made tremendous
progress this past week..."
"In his doctor's opinion,
Det. Pluto is fit for active duty."
This is from a damn chiropractor.
Yes, sir. And I don't know
if you know,
but chiropractic medicine has been
recognized by medical associations
- since 1962.
- Recognize this.
If I hear your fucking
back goes out again,
I'll put you behind a desk
out on Staten Island.
- How's your dictation?
- Not as good as Dimitri's.
What did you say?
With all disrespect--
with no due respect,
I don't know anything
about dictation.
I'd probably
be terrible at it.
Get out before I stick
my foot up your ass.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Great to be back.
- You guys have seen Cubbins?
- He's right behind you, Sherlock.
What are you doing
sneaking up on me like that?
- How did it go?
- Back on duty.
I'll treat you to lunch.
Look at them.
Must be nice, huh, Chick?
Sitting around,
jerking off all day.
Don't worry about me.
I got all my cases cleared,
plus the two of yours
they dumped on me
when your partner went
on restricted duty.
You must want that Detective
First Grade pretty bad.
- No more than anyone else.
- Hey, Pluto.
- They're talking about you.
- ( TV show music plays )
Tell, me, Ricky, are you angry
with the policeman?
No, 'cause he probably feels bad
he couldn't save the people.
TV host: Why couldn't he
save the people?
Ricky: Maybe he didn't know
what to do.
But maybe now,
after seeing what I did,
- he knows what to do next time.
- ( audience laughs )
- Do you think he does?
- I hope he does,
so another kid doesn't
have to shoot a man.
Let's go.
We need a title that smokes.
- Something that's in your face.
- Right!
- "Suck the Monkey"!
- Cletis, I love you, man,
but we tag this movie,
"Suck the Monkey,"
we lose out on our entire
middle audience.
That's a lot of box office.
- This shit is pissing me off!
- I know, man...
I know-- wait a second.
We said we wanted something
in your face.
- Right.
- There it is.
"In Yo Face."
- "In Yo Face"?
- It's Ebonics!
"In Yo Face."
And it's perfect now that
we're making the Uzi twins black!
Whoa. Stop. Decelerate.
- When did we decide that?
- I thought we said that.
- I never said that.
- I thought it'd be cool
- if they was Black.
- Cool?!
Duke, I told you
I am not into cool.
I am into reality.
And in reality,
a brother would not act that way.
Scene 32.
"The Uzi twins shoot a cop,
- then run off into the night."
- Right.
That's bullshit!
There's no way a brother
will run off all mortified!
- He'll be like this-- "Pow!"
- Uh-huh.
He'll turn...
and walk off like this.
Cool and slow.
Oh no, man,
they would run, bro'!
Fine! Fine! Fine!
They run.
But then we make them white.
You sayin' a white guy
will act like that?
You tell me a Black guy'll
act like that?
Come on, man!
Cletis, you're my friend!
I don't want to be
arguing with you.
Yeah, you're my friend.
But I think you got
a bit of racist in you.
Whoa.
Yo, bro'?
- No.
- Yes.
I noticed it.
Is it what I said
about the Ebonics?
No, it's not that.
It's other things.
But I don't take it personal,
because you're white and
you don't know any better.
That's some mega-heavy
shit, Cletis.
I know.
Okay... what if...
we made the Uzi twins...
Puerto Rican?
What do you think?
- All right? Bro'?
- Bro'.
You wanna open up to me,
- you just go ahead.
- Okay, I will.
'Cause I think you keep
a lot of stuff inside.
This whole Burger Bun thing.
And that shit with Dimitri--
even Shelley's accident.
You gotta let
some of that stuff out.
I absolutely agree
with you 100%.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah?
But you never open up with me.
I mean...
I'm going through
some heavy shit right now too,
and I don't know if
I can talk to you about it.
That's not true. Come on.
You know that's not true.
What is it?
I was walking behind you
the other day in the precinct...
and I realized
that I was thinking...
"Hey, Ray's got
kind of a nice ass!"
What did you say?
See, I told you it was heavy!
You know...
I'm not gay, okay?
- I'm not!
- Of course. Everybody knows that.
Then why am I looking
at your ass?
I don't know.
It happens to everybody, I think.
Have you ever looked
at a guy's ass?
I probably have...
once or twice.
- Have you ever looked at my ass?
- No.
Why not?
I think you gotta talk
to somebody about this.
I'm talking to you.
I mean a professional.
- A shrink?
- Yeah.
To get it off your chest.
If you talk
to a lot of shrinks,
they'll tell you
that deep down inside,
- everybody's gay.
- I'm not fucking gay!
I told you, I'm not!
- I didn't--
- Why do I even--
All I'm trying
to say to you is,
you're my friend, okay?
And that's all that matters.
Okay, cowboy?
Here's what we'll do.
Drop me off up here.
I'll go to my appointment
and I'll hook up with you later
and we'll figure this thing out.
- It's probably just a phase.
- Okay.
Maybe it was just an accident.
Your eyes happened to look there.
- You think so?
- Could be.
You'll be fine.
All right?
Jerry: All right.
Much better.
Still doing the exercises?
Ray: Every day.
How's the pelvic area?
Any tension?
Roll over.
So...
where are you from,
if you don't mind me asking?
And if I do?
I was wondering
because of your accent.
Brighton.
On the English Channel.
How long have you
been over here?
- Six years.
- Married?
Once.
- You?
- Same.
Thanks for getting that
recommendation out so quickly, Doc.
You got it off fast,
and I'm back on duty.
You have an excellent recovery.
I'm impressed by your discipline.
Chiropractic is
a lifetime commitment.
Really? I didn't know that.
I'll have another go
at your fifth dorsal vertebra.
Take a deep breath.
Hold it and...
Damn it.
I'll get this bastard.
Take a deep breath in.
- ( pop )
- Oh... yeah.
I got it.
Yeah.
No, wait just
a goddamn minute!
- Sorry, Dr. Beamer.
- Stop calling me that!
My name's Ann!
And I like you, Detective.
But if you think I'll
screw you on this table!
Of course not, Dr-- Ann!
- I have no excuse. I'm sorry.
- Stop apologizing!
Did you hear me
scream for help?
I've got three patients
waiting outside.
Maybe I should just
get out of here.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
- Wait a second.
- What?
- How do I look?
- Not good.
- Did you want maybe--
- Sure.
What?
I thought you meant--
I meant, do you want
to have some dinner?
Oh yeah. I could do that.
- What did you think I meant?
- That. Dinner.
Okay.
Keep doing those exercises.
It's important.
Nora. Hi.
Ed, Francine.
How are you doing?
Bye.
Detective Pluto will be
in next week, Teesha.
Ed, let's get cracking.
Maribel says
she's getting a tattoo.
- Bullshit.
- Yeah?
- I'll show you bullshit tomorrow.
- Your father said yes?
- Uh-huh.
- Where you gonna get it?
- Mr. Magic, down in the Village.
- What street?
- Avenue C.
- How much does he charge?
$45.
All right.
You can be Baby Bug.
- I'm called Lady Bug.
- I'm Jewel Bug.
- I still don't believe you.
- That's because you're Bug Spray.
Fuck you, bitches.
Juan: Doing good, Ray.
You'll catch something.
I used to come out here
with Maribel.
She used to take
this fishing seriously.
She'd say,
"Papi, you gotta be quiet
so the fish don't hear you."
Then she'd say,
"Just whisper."
We'd spend the whole afternoon here,
whispering to each other.
Why did she stop?
She's growing up.
Now she hates her old man.
- Everything I say is stupid.
- Nah, she doesn't hate you.
I know she says
that shit sometimes.
She gave me this
for my birthday.
- That's nice.
- Nice, right?
She still calls me "Papi,"
so I know she loves me.
Now she thinks she can do
whatever she wants.
She's telling me,
"I'm getting a tattoo."
I said, "You're not.
You live in my house."
She doesn't respect me.
I gotta teach her respect.
It kills me to do that...
but she's still
my little girl.
I love her.
- I think it's a tough age.
- You're telling me?
You're lucky
you don't have a daughter.
- I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
- It's okay.
I'm sorry.
That was stupid of me.
Hey, guys.
What's up?
- What do you want?
- Ping Pong: Do it!
Ping Pong, come on.
- You know those guys?
- No. You okay?
- Ray: Yeah. You?
- Juan: I'm all right.
Those fucking pendejos!
Fuck! They shot
the fucking fish!
- Ray: I think he's alive.
- No, man!
Is that too symbolic?
No, man.
We need symbols.
I'm telling you, the French
bug out for that shit.
- Know what I'm saying?
- I've been thinking 'bout Cannes.
I bet you have, bro'.
I see us winning Best Picture.
- Don't you?
- From which arises a question.
Duke: Uh-huh?
When we walk up on stage...
- to accept that prize...
- Right.
- which one of us walks first?
- We go together.
Side by side. Unified.
What if the staircase
leading to the stage
is too narrow
for the both of us?
Who walks up first?
( intercom buzzes )
- Who is it?
- Man: Chinese food.
Second floor.
All right, man, reality check.
We're not walking on any stage
until we finish this scene!
- Know what I'm saying?
- Okay.
Both:
Yeah. Let's get to work.
- Duke: Let's do it.
- Cletis: All right.
Ann: Chiropractic is primarily
manipulation of the spine
in order to relieve pain.
All I know is
my back feels great.
And I enjoy getting
on that table with you.
Ray, I need to talk
about what happened.
- I meant getting adjustments.
- I don't want you to think--
- It was just one of those things.
- Yeah, you're right.
It was spur of the moment,
- but--
- I don't.
- You don't what?
- What you were saying.
Oh.
Isn't that what
you were just saying?
I know myself pretty well.
I know I'm not
an impulsive person.
Got it.
I smell smoke.
- Can you smell smoke?
- No.
What?
Ann: God damn it!
Those people are smoking.
Excuse me.
- Those people are smoking.
- Is it bothering you?
No, it's not bothering me,
it's killing me.
Do you know second-hand smoke
causes lung cancer,
- heart disease and emphysema?
- I'll try not to breathe.
It's moments like this
I really wish I had a gun.
You've got a gun,
don't you?
No, I'm off duty.
I didn't bring it.
Pity.
- Let's not let it ruin our meal.
- Right.
- How's the fish?
- Great. The chicken?
Not bad.
Do you want to taste--
They're smoking again!
- What are you doing?
- Enough of this frou-frou shit.
- Man: Jesus Christ!
- ( people gasp )
It was her!
And good things continue to develop
for New York's youngest hero,
Ricky Lapinsky.
Earlier today, Lapinsky's
parents received an offer
from Macaulay Culkin
for the film rights...
That's the kid from "Home Alone."
I love that movie.
...reportedly seeking
an action vehicle for himself
- to write, direct...
- Woman: "I see, you see,
he/she/it see."
- Sees.
"He sees the mouse."
Everybody else
"see" the mouse.
Why he "sees" it?
This language makes no sense.
I'll flunk this test.
No, you'll pass.
Just relax.
"He sees the mouse."
Okay, baby.
Goodbye. There's chicken
in the fridge.
I told Maribel
to heat it up for you.
- Wish me luck.
- I wish you luck.
Adiosito.
Ann: I am really sorry
about the whole thing.
Smoking is against the law.
I could have arrested them.
- You should have.
- What did the guy say again?
"If you persist on throwing food,
I'll have to ask you to leave."
He said, "young lady,"
or something. Hey.
- Hi, Pluto.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- This is Maribel,
- whom I've known since she was two.
- Nice to meet you.
Did your dad tell you
we went fishing?
I used your pole,
which you were pretty good with.
- I was never good.
- Okay.
- Maribel: Hasta la vista.
- Hasta luego.
Hasta manana.
- Ann: Good Spanish.
- Thanks.
Sorry about that front room.
I'm actually renovating.
I'll just eat and run,
since I have to go to work early.
- Ray: What did you say?
- I like candles.
They'd work better
if you lit them.
Ice cream.
You left that there
so I'd think you're a good boy?
I actually do
the exercises every day.
- All of them?
- Except for 7A.
- Doesn't do anything.
- What?
It works incredibly well.
Let me see
what you've been doing.
Ann: Show me.
I'll show you.
I don't feel anything.
It's called the "pelvic lift,"
which suggests a little elevation.
Try again.
- Up here.
- That high?
Yes. Now lower.
And raise.
- You feel that?
- Mm-hm.
- It opens you right here.
- Ticklish.
( salsa music plays )
Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Mirabel.
I'm going to get a tattoo.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, look.
See, mine's in red.
Told you.
( whistles )
- What's up, little one?
- What are you doing here?
Come see.
- Is he dead?
- Not yet. Get the money!
Get the money!
I'm sorry, but you better hurry
before Mommy comes home
and we have to do
her ass too!
- Go! Where's the money?
- I'm getting it.
Vamonos!
Let's get outta here!
Ping Pong:
C'mon, let's go!
No.
- What?
- Don't take that.
Don't take it?
After everything I did for you,
you tell me what not to take?
We should do her too.
( Juan grunts )
Fucking pendejo.
Do his ass again.
Let's try it again.
You hear the shots.
Pow! Pow! Pow!
- I run to the window.
- You see the Uzi twins
- waste the cop.
- Our friend! Gone!
- Annihilated!
- You want to kill them!
But I can't, 'cause
they're running away, scared.
So you yell something
at them!
I see you,
you goddamn Spic bastards!
Cletis: I see you!
- Yo, somebody saw us!
- Cletis: Bastards!
I see you!
I told you
to close the curtain!
- Cletis: I see you!
- Man: Shit! Go!
Go, go, go!
Oh my God.
Ah!
Now that is great exercise
for my back.
Shut up!
I mean it.
It hasn't felt this loose
in 10 years.
Maybe you can incorporate this
into your treatment program.
Fine with me.
I've never had sex
with a policeman before.
How was it?
Can we try your handcuffs
next time?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The sun is nice.
Are you asleep?
I'll take
a Double Bun burger
with a chocolate shake,
please.
I had a really nice time
last night.
Me too.
It was great.
It's been a while for me, so...
- We should get coffee.
- I agree.
What's with the service
in this place?
Hey!
Hello?
Tell you what.
If you can get somebody,
get me scrambled eggs,
- I'll grab a paper.
- Okay.
Let me get this paper here.
Shelley!
Ray!
Where have you been?
Oh my God!
Look, Cleo, it's your daddy.
Come on, Ray.
Let's go home.
Okay. Let me just get the paper.
Want to say bye to Daddy?
Say goodbye to Daddy.
I don't have any change. Hey!
Shelley!
( banging )
- Duke: Yo, Ray!
- ( banging on door )
Mr. Pluto!
Mr. Pluto!
You better come down!
There's some heavy shit going on!
- What?
- Somebody stabbed the super!
- Excuse me.
- Hey!
Detective.
Sir--
Maribel: I don't know.
Dimitri: Just answer
the question, sweetheart.
No. I told you
I never saw them before.
Look at me. Come on.
How did they get in?
Did you buzz them in?
Leave her alone.
What are you doing here?
- This is my case.
- We got this case an hour ago.
- Where were you?
- Touch her again, I'll lay you out.
Officer: Stop it!
You can't come in here!
God damn it, Pluto!
This is bad,
- very bad.
- Lieutenant--
Just shut up, because
I'm starting to get confused.
Are you trying to solve
murders or cause them?
Why am I responsible because
I live in that building?
It's never your fault, is it?
You never take responsibility
for anything, do you?
Yes, I do.
Let me prove it
by giving me this case.
Let me have
this case, please.
You and Cubbins have
the body art murder.
The guy's a friend of mine.
He's hanging by a thread.
I know his wife and daughter.
Give me one more shot.
No. Dimitri's got it.
Anything you want to tell me?
- About what?
- The case.
- You got any leads?
- You're a detective.
- Detect.
- Cut the fucking attitude!
You got any information,
give it to him now!
- Sorry. I don't know anything.
- Dimitri: Hey, Pluto.
I hear the girl and her father
were fighting a lot.
Who said that?
A neighbor said they were
going at it pretty heavy.
- Heavy?
- Yeah.
No, not heavy. Just typical stuff
between father and daughter.
Wait a minute.
What are you saying?
I'm not saying anything.
You're trying
to bring her in on this.
I can't fucking believe you!
That's enough!
Get the hell out!
That's his only daughter.
She loves him.
She used to fish with him!
She bought him a necklace.
She loves him!
You son of a bitch!
- Get the hell out!
- She loves him!
Get out of here!
Have some respect
for your job!
Ray: What's wrong with you people?
Are you blind?
God!
He's her father!
Ping Pong: "Super...
at...
hospital...
barely conscious."
Fucking guy's
still alive, Jojo!
Not for long.
What about us?
- It don't say nothing.
- Read it to me!
It just says it was two guys
"that nobody saw,
except the daughter,
who was unable to give a des--
- des--"
- Description!
"Police say no other res--
residents wit-- nessed
the stabbing."
I saw the guy
in the window.
- He was looking at me!
- Then what's going on?
I don't know.
Maybe they're waiting for us
to make a mistake.
Maybe this guy's scared
and hasn't told anybody.
Look at those tears.
That shit looks so real.
We should have done her.
She'll talk.
No!
She can't touch us without
bringing herself down!
All we have to do
is say the fucking truth.
She hired us!
You really think
that guy's seen us?
He called us fucking Spics!
- Let's go do him.
- No.
We're not going to do shit!
We just have
to sit here and think!
We just gotta fucking think!
It's a thinking man's game
and you're not thinking!
So think!
We should just go do him!
Let's go waste him
right now, Jojo!
Can you sit down?
You're making me nervous.
You should be nervous, man.
The super was
stabbed yesterday.
How does that make you feel?
I'm bummed for the guy.
No, Duke!
He was almost killed,
right in that window.
There's some weird energy
coming in here.
- Can you feel it?
- Yeah, I feel it.
It's intense, right?
It's very intense, man.
That's exactly what's missing
from our screenplay.
And my biggest problem
is the guy in the chair.
He doesn't move,
he doesn't talk.
He just sits there.
What do you want him to do?
We may have to "illuminate"
the whole scene.
No, I'm not losing
that shit with the darts.
That shit's fresh... dope.
It's totally whacked.
- Why are you talking like that?
- Talking like what?
"Dope," "fresh," "whacked."
- Nigger, you ain't Black.
- I know that!
- Then talk normal, will you?
- Well--
I thought I was, man!
Damn!
Cubbins: I know this is
difficult, Mrs. Fontaine,
but do you know anyone
who would want to kill your husband?
Have you talked
to the people next door?
- The tattoo parlor?
- "Mr. Magic."
They've always been jealous
of our celebrity clientele.
Mrs. Fontaine: They have
a walk-in trade, mostly tourists.
And you think they might have
killed your husband?
Doesn't it seem logical?
I don't know, Mrs. Fontaine.
Maybe it was someone else.
- Someone who didn't get it.
- Didn't get what?
Maybe someone who walked in here
and saw all this... stuff
and could only see it
as a bunch of morons
poking fucking holes
in themselves.
Maybe some guy saw this
and said, "That's it!"
and shot your husband.
What the hell was that about?
- That woman just lost her husband!
- I'm sorry.
Every time I think about Dimitri
getting that case...
- That's my case!
- It's not!
It's Dimitri's!
Deal with it!
Listen to this.
I went fishing with the super
down by the river.
Two Latino punks
showed up with a gun.
And they were gonna waste him.
I gashed one of them with a fishhook
that cut him in the neck.
If it's the same guys,
Maribel may have seen it.
Jesus Christ! I hate
that brown-nose prick too,
but if you know something,
tell him!
I will, but I want to talk
to the girl first.
Poor kid,
she's probably devastated.
What am I talking about?
- That's me.
- That is not you...
- "Loser cop."
- That is not you!
Only thing they left out is
"loser father, loser husband."
Cut this shit out right now!
Shelley loved you. If she heard you,
she'd kick your ass!
I shouldn't have bought
that paper.
What paper?
Shelley said to me,
"Let's go."
And I said,
"I want to buy this paper.
If you're in a hurry,
go ahead."
So she went ahead and...
I stopped to buy the paper.
If I hadn't
bought the paper--
I saw the van coming--
I could have saved her.
Ray, that is not your fault.
That was an accident.
Why don't you take off?
I'll cover for you
in the book.
Just go home
and take it easy.
- All right. Maybe you're right.
- You'll be all right.
Thanks, man.
Come on.
I love you, man.
Okay? I mean it.
Hey, faggot, why don't you
just kiss him?
Why did you say, asshole?
Greasy, fucking fat pig!
- I didn't mean it.
- What did you say?!
Computer voice:
You're busted!
Hello.
You know what, Abdul?
I'll need another candle.
Which one you like, Mr. Ray?
I'll let you pick,
this time.
Here we go.
This one will be good for you.
Okay. Wrap it up,
my friend.
Maribel, do we have money?
I don't even know--
Did I pack my card?
You've got your card.
- Mrs. Benitez.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry about Juan.
- Thank you.
- We're gonna go see him now.
- Is he conscious?
No, because
he lost so much blood.
I promise
we'll find those guys.
And if you need anything,
you let me know, okay?
Do you mind if I ask Maribel
a quick question?
- Sure
- Thank you.
I know this is
a tough time for you,
but did one the men who stabbed
your father have a cut on his face?
- A cut?
- On his cheek.
Maybe it was bandaged.
Do you remember?
No.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- Come on.
- Ray: Hasta la vista.
- Hasta luego.
Hasta manana.
( phone rings )
Dr. Beamer's office.
Teesha speaking.
Detective Pluto
for Dr. Beamer, please.
- How you doing?
- Hey.
Ann: I've been calling.
Did you get my messages?
Yeah, I just got them.
I just wanted to say
I had a really nice time last night.
If you every feel
the urge to try again--
You know what?
Ann...
I don't think
this is going to work out.
- What isn't?
- You and me.
It'd probably be better if...
we didn't see each other again.
Was it something I said?
Was it because
I threw that roll?
No.
Then why are you saying this?
Bad timing, I guess.
I'm not feeling too good
about myself right now
and I guess I'm just
not ready for this.
Right.
Well...
goodbye, then.
( knocking on door )
Hang on!
Just a minute!
How you doing?
You remember I told you
we were working on a screenplay?
We're kind of stuck
on a scene,
and we were wondering
if you could help us.
Sorry...
I'm a little busy right now.
- Is it police work?
- Yeah, afraid so.
That's why we need your help--
you being a real cop.
We got an emergency situation
and we need an expert.
Yeah, like a technical advisor...
which you get as film credit.
You know?
"Technical advisor: Ray Pluto."
- Detective Ray Pluto.
- Yeah, you got it.
Half hour tops.
So, you guys want
to tie me up to the chair?
Right. We're not a couple
of psycho freaks.
Though if you'd seen working on that
scene with the dummy in the chair...
You were buggin'.
That's because it wasn't real.
- We're mega-realists.
- Ultra-mega-realists.
- Ultra-mega...
- If it's not real, we can't do it.
Okay, let's get started.
See if I can help
you guys out here.
All right, you got this...
ultra-close.
Man, you know what?
Thank you.
You're saving our ass big time.
I got it.
Thank you.
You know what I'm saying?
- ( intercom buzzes )
- That's my Chinese food.
Ray: I got to tell you,
I agree with Cletis.
I don't believe half the stuff
I see in the movies.
Especially crime movies, and
more especially with the cops.
- Cops don't act that way.
- Uh-huh.
Professionally speaking,
the stuff you see in the movies--
it's fake. Like those
Clint Eastwood movies.
- Jojo: Get him in!
- ( Duke grunts )
Get him over there!
Anybody says a fucking
word, you're dead!
Ping Pong:
Which one was it?
I don't know, there's three of them.
What the fuck is going on here?
Nothing, man!
- Why is he tied up?
- He's helping us with a screenplay.
- What?
- "Scrimple"?
Why are you wearing them suits?
Jojo, come on!
Which one was it?
- I think it was this one!
- No, no, no!
- What did I do?
- You saw us.
I swear I've never seen
you guys in my life!
- I swear to God!
- Shut the fuck up!
- I saw you in the window!
- Called us fucking Spics!
Come on,
let's do them all!
- Tie 'em up!
- No, guys, listen!
We never saw you before.
We're writing a screenplay.
Shut the fuck up
with that scrimpe!
Please.
I'm begging you.
Don't do this.
I have a wife and a kid.
Shut the fuck up!
- I've seen you somewhere.
- No.
Ping Pong, where
do I know this guy from?
I don't know. Get something
for their faces.
- I'm sick of them looking at me!
- You're turning into a girly bitch!
Let's do it
and get out of here!
Hold the gun.
I'll get the bags.
Don't look at me.
I got one!
You guys are making a mistake...
killing innocent people.
Shut up!
- What's going on?
- Nothing. Just hurry up!
I'm telling you,
Ping Pong,
you don't have to kill us.
Nobody saw anything.
You can't even see
the apartment from that window.
Go ahead. Take a look.
Ray: Go on.
I got two!
Listen to me.
You want three murders
hanging on your head?
Especially when nobody
saw anything. Take a look.
Take a look.
Just go look.
That's all
I'm asking you to do.
Just look out the window.
You'll see what
I'm talking about.
Yeah.
Yeah, down to the left.
You see?
That's right.
See?
( screaming )
What was that?!
Ping Pong!
Jojo: Ping Pong!
Ping?!
Ping Pong?
- Where's Ping Pong?
- He went downstairs.
- You're fucking dead!
- No, you are.
You're under arrest
for attempted murder.
- Jojo: I'll kill you!
- Duke: Oh man!
Jojo: I'll kill you!
I'll kill you.
( Jojo coughs )
- Cletis: You all right?
- Duke: Yeah. You?
Cletis: I'm okay.
Cletis:
Yo, Ray. You're awesome.
Duke: Straight up.
That was hero shit.
Totally mega, man.
Ultra-mega hero shit.
Cletis:
I can't believe it.
I think they went a little far
with this headline.
Fact is,
this was Dimitri's case,
and you deliberately
withheld information.
You could be facing a demotion
for dereliction of duty.
( intercom buzzes )
- Yeah?
- Operator: Sorry to bother you.
It's the mayor on line two.
Good morning, Mr. Mayor.
Yes, sir,
it's pronounced "Pluto."
Raymond or Ray--
we call him Ray.
Yes, sir,
the promotion is official.
Absolutely,
you can announce it.
Detective First Grade.
Yes, sir, we're on our way.
Okay, Pluto,
let's get outta here.
Hey, Ray.
Yeah?
Congratulations.
Thanks, Chick.
Lieutenant:
Let's move it, Pluto.
- I'll do the walkout with you.
- I expect no less, Lieutenant.
Way to go, Ray.
Hero cop.
- Thank you.
- Good job, Pluto.
Fuckin' A.
Hey.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Jerry.
I'm proud of you.
I mean it.
You were there for me.
I'll never forget it.
Come on, girls!
Let's cut
the hugs and kisses.
By the way,
any phone calls for me?
No.
Let's go, Pluto.
Follow my lead.
Reporter:
Detective Pluto, over here!
Channel 10 News.
Does this...
Look at him out there.
Old Ray did all right, huh?
Don't get too excited.
You might piss all over the floor!
Something's not right
with this case.
The punks went back
to the apartment
to kill a witness, and
the girl positive ID'ed them.
What's not right?
The Medical Examiner told me
one of them had a two-day old
gash on his neck.
So?
No way the girl would have missed
that on the night of the stabbing.
Why didn't she mention it?
I think you're
all torn up inside
because Pluto
cleared your case.
You're jealous because
he got promoted and you didn't.
Why didn't she mention it?
What did we learn from this?
Never buzz somebody in
unless you know who it is.
Dude, no! No!
We gotta get this guy
out of this chair.
- How?
- I'm getting sick and tired
of writing this screenplay
by myself!
All right, my brother.
Watch this.
How he gets loose is...
maybe we didn't
tie him so good.
All right?
He gets loose...
he picks up the darts,
he starts throwing them at us!
You see,
there's that symbolism.
I like that. I like that.
We start getting hit.
( screams )
Fuck, my leg!
- All right. Now what?
- I pull out my knife!
I just pull it out.
That's a big blade.
That's some Davy Crockett
shit right there.
He kicks it out of your hand.
You go down to get it,
he kicks you in the head.
- Cletis: Bam!
- He rocks me. I'm almost out.
- He's gonna kill me.
- With what?
With his hands.
He's strangulating my neck!
- So you go get the knife.
- Just as you're about to die,
- I throw the knife.
- Close-up knife,
- spinning slow motion.
- Sound effects.
Knife spinning in the air.
Whh!
"Thwock!"
It gets him in the back.
He goes down.
- Bam! I get up.
- No, you stay down.
- I stay down.
- He coughs.
A mouthful of blood...
that hits you.
Where?!
In yo face.
"In Yo Face."
- What are you saying, bro'?
- We just nailed the scene
and the title
at the same time!
You mean that?
You were right!
"In Yo Face,"
that's the movie!
Man, I was just going
with the vibe.
- We both did that!
- No!
You did it.
It was your idea.
When we get to Cannes,
I'll buy you a six-pack
of Dom Periyom!
We're fucking going!
You know it!
Hell, we're going!
Parlez-vous!
Oui, monsieur!
A man so outraged
by a cowardly attack
on his dear friend and super,
Juan Benitez,
he undertook a personal
quest for justice.
He overcame
two crazed killers,
one armed with a gun,
one with a three-foot machete.
There was a regrettable
loss of life,
but in the view
of this administration,
this man deserves,
without question,
to be called a hero.
Ladies and gentlemen,
with this promotion,
the City of New York
expresses its gratitude
to Detective First Grade
Raymond Pluto--
or, as we call him, Ray.
Ray Pluto.
- He'll be all right.
- Thanks, Ray.
Thank you so much.
Teesha: Sorry, Mr. Pluto,
the doctor's with a patient.
- When will she be done?
- Hard to say.
We're very busy today.
- Ray: She got my message?
- Yes, I believe she did.
Okay, just tell her...
I called again.
I'll be home if
she wants to call me back.
I'll give her the message.
Mrs. Benitez: Ray?
Do you want to come in now?
Hey, Juan.
How you doing, man?
Look at that.
Strong as a bull.
You'll be okay.
We got those guys.
Fucking pendejos.
I bet they were the ones
doin' the graffiti in the building.
Shh... baby, don't talk.
Hey, look.
You'll be all right.
I gotta go. Okay? But...
I thought you might...
want this.
All right, man.
Thanks, Ray.
Maribel, help him.
Well, put it on.
Papi.
It's okay.
You can cry.
- Papi.
- Mrs. Benitez: He'll be all right.
Hasta la vista.
Hasta luego.
Hasta manana.
Teesha: Dr. Beamer's office.
Hold, please.
Detective Pluto again.
The doctor's not available
at the moment.
Would you do me a favor?
- Just write this down.
- All right.
Tell her... I'm sorry.
"Sorry." Uh-huh.
- Anything else?
- I screwed up.
Teesha:
So you screwed up.
And...
- I'm heading over to the river...
- River... uh-huh.
Ray:...to watch the sunset.
- All right.
I'd really love
it if she'd meet me there.
- Teesha: Is that all?
- Yes.
Are you sure?
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Ray: She's not coming.
Why should she?
After what you did?
You blew it.
Hero.
Unbelievable.
Hey!
Don't try sneaking up on me!
All right?
You don't know who you're
dealing with, do you?
Okay.
Okay. Huh?
Don't you read the papers?
Are you blind?
It's me.
I'm the hero cop.
Yeah, Detective First Grade...
Raymond Pluto.
Of course,
we all call him... Ray!
Oh Jesus!
Shithead!
What's the matter?
- Hey, what's the matter?
- My back went out again.
- Careful.
- Keep breathing.
Ouch!
Ooh, I got it.
It's the second lumbar.
- Okay.
- Stand up.
Do you think you can walk?
You know what?
Do me a favor.
Grab my gun.
It's right behind you.
Oh, Ray! Come on!
Here, here.
Might be a good idea
to put the gun in the holster.
- Here?
- Yeah, right there.
- Oh man.
- Better?
Yeah.
I didn't think you'd come.
- I wasn't going to.
- What happened?
Teesha talked me into it.
She said, "Give the fucking
bastard one more chance."
Oh.
Well...
- I guess I owe her one.
- Yep.
I guess you do.
I'm sorry.
- Oh!
- Ray?!
Are you okay? Sure?
- Can you walk?
- I'd like to try.
Let's go.
- Here we go.
- You okay?
- Don't forget to breathe.
- I'm breathing.
You kept forgetting
your exercises, didn't you?
You know... I got busy.
I told you, chiropractic
is a lifetime commitment.
I'm beginning to understand
what you meant.
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
But, man, let me tell you,
it's a soul town
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
But, man, let me tell you,
it's a soul town
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
( bossa nova music plays )
like a cold town
But, man, let me tell ya,
it's a soul town
( hip-hop music plays )
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
But, man, let me tell ya,
it's a soul town
Go, go, go...
( police radio on )
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Aren't you going in?
I thought you were.
I went in yesterday, Jerry.
Would you mind, Ray?
'Cause my knee's killing me.
Your knee?
What about my back?
- Anybody care about that?
- I'm sorry. I care.
I'll just take
a Double Bun Burger!
Have a Burger Bun day.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- Two Double Bun burgers
- and a chocolate shake, please.
- Is that it?
No, I'll take an order
of fried nose rings too.
- What?
- I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
Knock yourself out, dude.
Knock myself out?
- What does that mean?
- ( woman screams )
Woman:
Oh my God!
Man: Born and raised
in Brooklyn.
36 years.
Went to P.S. 115.
Mom and Dad wanted me to go
to Catholic school.
My best friend John...
man, he was cool.
Wish he could see me now.
- Do I have your attention now?
- Yes, sir.
Then look at me
when I talk to you!
I'm trying,
but it's difficult...
- with my back--
- Fuck your back!
I got the mayor, the commissioner,
the C. of D. up my ass
because you were standing
right there with your weapon out,
and you couldn't stop one guy
from killing six people!
I know, sir,
I should have dropped the guy.
Nobody feels worse
about this than I do.
Any thoughts on
that comment, Dimitri?
With all due respect,
Lieutenant...
I imagine the relatives
of the victims
might feel worse
than Detective Pluto.
Lieutenant:
They just might.
- Any questions for him?
- Dimitri: No, it's pretty clear.
- Questions about what?
- Your cases.
- I've reassigned them to Dimitri.
- Why?
Because you're a goddamn cripple!
- I'm fine.
- Stand up!
You're on restricted duty
until I get confirmation
from the chief surgeon
that your back's 100%.
Now get out!
Dimitri, get this faggot
a wheelchair.
- Hey, Ray.
- Where have you been?
- I went to get the paper.
- What about your knee?
I took it real slow.
It was over when I got back.
- What did Spigot say?
- I'm on restricted duty
- till I get this back fixed.
- And me?
I told him
you were getting gas.
Thanks. Oh shit!
I'm sorry.
Listen, I owe you.
Anything you want, just name it.
- How about a new back?
- All right.
Why don't you go see
a chiropractor?
I need a real doctor,
not some frou-frou shit like that.
Jerry:
What are you talking about?
Wait. Listen to me.
When my back went out,
I couldn't get off the floor.
I had to crawl to the bathroom
on my hands and knees.
My brother-in-law turned me
on to this chiropractor, and...
it's incredible.
It's crazy shit, but it works.
- They do this adjustment--
- Pluto.
Here's your gun.
It was tough getting it
back from that kid.
He was afraid you wouldn't know
what to do with it.
- I could stick it up your ass.
- You could...
but there's no bad guys
up there.
What, no room with
Spigot's dick up there?
Reporter: Detective Pluto,
Channel 10 News.
Do you feel responsible
for the death of those people?
Do you feel responsible for
the death of your wife and daughter?
How does it feel being upstaged
by an eight-year-old?
Man: Look at this shit!
- Mira, Maribel!
- Maribel: What?
Don't tell me your friend
didn't do this.
- He didn't do it.
- Then who?!
I don't see everybody
who comes in this building.
- So it was your friend!
- It was not!
Would you two shut up?
I'm trying to watch the TV!
Tell him to leave me alone!
TV announcer:
Here's Bill with the latest
on this afternoon's
Burger blood-bath.
A brave eight-year-old boy
is now a national hero
for shooting a gunman
who slaughtered six people
in a crowded Brooklyn
Burger Bun this afternoon.
Ricky Lapinsky...
Man: Come here!
That says "Lucy," right?
Lucy!
It does not say "Lucy"!
- You can't even read!
- Ray, Ray...
got a minute?
What does that say?
I don't know, Juan,
it's all Chinese to me.
Ah-ha! So it's
your Chink friend, then!
You're so stupid!
Do you hear what
she calls me?! All right...
- forget the tattoo!
- See you later, Juan.
Take care.
You said I could.
When you learn to respect your
father and speak to your father,
then maybe I'll let you
look like a whore!
Mommy, he said I could get
a tattoo, and I'm getting it!
- Yes, I am!
- No, you're not!
If you don't shut up,
I'll go crazy!
I've been working all day
and I want to watch TV, cono!
Earlier today,
Mayor Geminelli praised Ricky
as one of New York's finest.
Geminelli:
This boy is a hero.
And if I had 20 more like him,
I could wipe out crime in this city.
TV announcer #1: The mayor
had less flattering remarks
for New York City
Detective Raymond Pluto
who was in the restaurant
ordering lunch
at the time of the massacre.
Although armed and standing
merely 10 feet away,
Detective Pluto apparently
was unable to stop the slaughter
because of a bad back.
Ray: What if I hadn't been
in the place?
Did they think about that?
Then the kid wouldn't have had
the gun to shoot the guy.
Hey, everybody,
welcome to Fitness Cheers!
We've got a really
tough workout coming up...
( phone rings )
- Yeah?
- Man: Detective Pluto?
I'm calling
from "The New York Post."
- I need to verify some facts.
- What facts?
Are you Detective Pluto
whose wife and daughter
were killed in a hit-and-run
accident two years ago?
I'll tell ya...
All right, guys,
let's stretch out.
Let's go down for four.
And two...
( phone rings )
You motherfucking cocksucking
fucking piece of shit!
- Fucking press cockroach!
- Ray? It's me, Jerry.
Hey.
Aw, man...
- I'm sorry, Jerry.
- Jerry: You all right?
- You sound really upset.
- I thought you were
this scumbag reporter
who's been calling.
I'm sorry.
How are you doing?
Just checking up on you.
What are you doing?
I was sitting around,
smoking some hash.
Yeah, me too! I just did
a whole bucket of crack!
You're too much, man.
I got the number
for that chiropractor.
Oh great. Go ahead
You're ready?
Dr. Beamer.
555-0191.
All right. Good, man.
- I appreciate it.
- So...
how are you feeling mentally?
I'm doing good, man.
You know?
- Thinking about a few things.
- Care to talk about it?
Sure.
Umm...
Did you ever notice...
women sometimes call
each other "guys"?
They'll say, "Let's go, guys,"
and it's all girls there.
Yeah,
I've seen them do that.
Guys don't do that.
You never hear guys go,
"Let's go, girls."
What, guys calling
other guys "girls"?
Ray: Yeah...
- it'd be an insult.
- Like calling them a fag.
Exactly. But it's okay
for women to say,
"Hey, let's go, guys."
It's fucking crazy.
Ray: You know?
- Yeah?
- All right... thanks for calling.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right.
( world trance music playing )
It's killer.
It'll blast you
like a Sandinistan guerilla.
Killer.
You don't know the diller.
Everybody knows
that I'm a killer.
- Man: Who is it?
- Cletis.
Man: About time.
- Maribel: I hate you!
- No, you don't!
You love me!
I'm your papi!
- Maribel: I hate you!
- No, you don't mean that!
- What you looking at?
- What the fuck you looking at?
You do that graffiti?
Cletis, come on!
We got work to do.
Pendejo, cono.
All right.
We got the guy already
tied up in the chair.
We got the Chinese food
already delivered.
Then you signal me,
just with your eye.
Yeah.
Then I take out a chopstick...
Iike this.
Put it in the guy's ear.
Then I take off my shoe.
- What do you think?
- It's too quick.
We want
to inflict pain, right?
Long, slow...
painful pain.
He's sitting in the chair...
all immobilized and shit.
Now, that would hurt.
- Cletis: You see that?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Man: Good shot!
- A dart in the eyeball.
That is pain.
And I got four more left.
Maybe I should throw a couple.
- You?
- Just...
one or two.
- You're saying you like this?
- Oh, man! Come on!
We're totally using that!
I told you.
You are a great writer.
Let's get this shit down.
Scene 29: interior,
- warehouse - day.
- Dictate this for me, Duke.
I want to do the darts
going in with a giant close-up.
We need the right sound.
I want a solid "thwock!"
when it sticks in the dude's head.
Write that down.
T-H-W-O-C-K.
Thwock.
Cute little guy.
He's getting that award
from Geminelli today.
Nothing for that cop, though.
I feel kind of sorry for him.
Oh come on.
The putz was there.
He had his gun out
and he couldn't do it.
It's called
"performance anxiety."
He just couldn't get it up.
Detective Pluto?
This way.
I think that was the guy.
How long has your back
been bothering you?
- About three years.
- You've never seen a chiropractor?
- No.
- Why not?
I usually go
to regular doctors.
I've been looking at your X-rays,
sent by your regular doctor
and I think
I've seen the problem--
in your lower back, here.
Can I say something
for a second?
Do you know chiropractic medicine
has been recognized
by medical associations
since 1963?
- No, I didn't know that.
- Well, it has.
Okay? Right.
Take a look at this. See?
Look at your lower spine.
Now...
Iook at this.
What do you see?
Doctor: The skeleton's
spine is curved...
whereas yours is straight.
No curve, no flexibility.
No flexibility, no strength.
Your muscles around
the vertebrae must work overtime
just to hold your spine
in place.
Finally, they spasm
and your back goes out.
Could you slip your jacket off
and lie down on the table?
Ray: Okay.
- Can you take your gun off?
- Oh... yeah.
Give it to me.
You'll be head up this end.
Face through the gap.
Do you have some kind
of pillow I could--
No, just relax your head.
- Okay.
- Relax.
Ray: Oh yeah...
Oh yeah.
I got it.
- Your L-5s are all jammed up.
- The L-5?
Yeah. Okay.
I'll release that.
Now, just relax.
It looks more frightening
than it is.
Just relax. It'll help
release your muscles.
Much better.
Turn over, please.
Don't cross your feet.
Okay, now...
- Just relax.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'll give you some exercises
to do every day
in addition
to the adjustments.
- Adjustments?
- ( pop )
How long have you been
on the police force?
I don't know.
Probably about--
- ( pop )
- Well done! Unbelievable.
It takes most people weeks
to get that kind of release.
Relax. I'll do one more thing,
and then you're through.
I want to pop
your fifth dorsal vertebra.
- Where is that?
- In the back of your spine.
- Take a deep breath in.
- Okay.
And let it go.
Didn't get it.
Let's try again.
Deep breath in.
Now breathe out.
You're holding back
on me, Detective.
Sorry.
Maybe you want
to try it again?
I think we've done
enough for today.
Girl: All right.
I got a tattoo.
- No, you didn't!
- Girl: I did!
Girl #2:
Let's see it then.
That shit
looks nice, Lucy.
Yeah, this bug's mad cute!
I'll look hot in my bikini
this summer, right?
- No doubt. We're buggin'.
- I get mine,
- we'll be the Buggin' Crew.
- Lucy: Oh yeah...
- the Three Lady Bugs.
- I'm getting one too.
- All in red.
- You dreamin', girl.
You ain't gonna
get a tattoo.
Lucy: Her father
would kill her.
Maybe you should get...
one of those stick-ons.
The shit that washes off.
Girl #2: Let's go
to my house. It's free.
I need cigarettes.
What's up, little one?
I wanna do it.
Hey, Ping Pong...
she wants to do it.
Let's do it.
- Where did you get the money?
- I found his Christmas tips
from all the tenants.
He's saving it for
our trip to Disneyworld.
He made $2,000
just from tips.
Shit, I should be a super.
- I want a third up front.
- How much is that?
Ping Pong,
what's a third of 2,000?
- A half would be 1,000.
- I know what a half is.
What the fuck
is a third of 2,000?!
It's 300.
I want $300,
then we do it.
Okay.
- Man: You like it?
- Where did you get it?
Mr. Magic's,
down in the Village.
What street?
- Avenue C. Why?
- I might get one.
Maribel:
How much does it cost?
Man: $45.
- Does it hurt bad?
- No, it doesn't hurt bad.
If you want, I can go with you
and make sure they do it okay--
You want a tattoo?
I'll give you one for free.
Let me see them come back here
and do this shit again,
I'll kick their ass.
- Shit.
- Hey, Juan, que pasa?
Just working, my friend.
Fucking graffiti's
like a fungus.
You don't take care of it
right away, it'll spread all over.
Well...
- you're taking care of it.
- I know who's doing it.
Those little shit friends
of Maribel's.
I'll catch them one day
and kick them right up the ass.
- How's your back?
- I'm seeing this chiropractor.
Ray, that shit don't work.
You gotta relax.
I go fishing.
- That's how I relax.
- Out in the ocean?
Are you fucking crazy?
Right there. 79th Street,
on the Hudson.
Good fishing there.
Come out with me one day.
You'll like it.
- I don't know.
- I got a rod.
I bought a rod for Maribel,
she don't use it.
Knock on my door,
we'll go fishing,
- that'll straighten you out.
- Maybe I'll do that.
- Let's do that.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Juan.
- Okay. Take care of that back.
Duke: Coming.
Your order.
Yo, I caught you on the tube.
I didn't know you were a cop.
I'm Duke. This is Cletis.
How you doing?
Ray Pluto.
What's with the suits?
Going to a costume party?
- No, this is how we dress.
- The '70s are back.
You should check it out.
- Okay.
Duke:
Let me ask you something.
You've seen a lot of
crazy shit as a cop, right?
- People shot, stabbed...
- I guess so.
Ever seen a guy
with darts stuck in him?
- Throwing darts?
- Cletis: Yes.
Perforating him in the head,
the eyeballs and the chin.
Have you ever seen
anything like that?
I don't think so.
You've never seen it
in a movie either, have you?
No, I-- no.
All right.
( hip-hop music plays )
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
I'll tell you, Lieutenant,
I've been doing
these exercises every day,
and my back
has never felt better.
"Det. Pluto has made tremendous
progress this past week..."
"In his doctor's opinion,
Det. Pluto is fit for active duty."
This is from a damn chiropractor.
Yes, sir. And I don't know
if you know,
but chiropractic medicine has been
recognized by medical associations
- since 1962.
- Recognize this.
If I hear your fucking
back goes out again,
I'll put you behind a desk
out on Staten Island.
- How's your dictation?
- Not as good as Dimitri's.
What did you say?
With all disrespect--
with no due respect,
I don't know anything
about dictation.
I'd probably
be terrible at it.
Get out before I stick
my foot up your ass.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Great to be back.
- You guys have seen Cubbins?
- He's right behind you, Sherlock.
What are you doing
sneaking up on me like that?
- How did it go?
- Back on duty.
I'll treat you to lunch.
Look at them.
Must be nice, huh, Chick?
Sitting around,
jerking off all day.
Don't worry about me.
I got all my cases cleared,
plus the two of yours
they dumped on me
when your partner went
on restricted duty.
You must want that Detective
First Grade pretty bad.
- No more than anyone else.
- Hey, Pluto.
- They're talking about you.
- ( TV show music plays )
Tell, me, Ricky, are you angry
with the policeman?
No, 'cause he probably feels bad
he couldn't save the people.
TV host: Why couldn't he
save the people?
Ricky: Maybe he didn't know
what to do.
But maybe now,
after seeing what I did,
- he knows what to do next time.
- ( audience laughs )
- Do you think he does?
- I hope he does,
so another kid doesn't
have to shoot a man.
Let's go.
We need a title that smokes.
- Something that's in your face.
- Right!
- "Suck the Monkey"!
- Cletis, I love you, man,
but we tag this movie,
"Suck the Monkey,"
we lose out on our entire
middle audience.
That's a lot of box office.
- This shit is pissing me off!
- I know, man...
I know-- wait a second.
We said we wanted something
in your face.
- Right.
- There it is.
"In Yo Face."
- "In Yo Face"?
- It's Ebonics!
"In Yo Face."
And it's perfect now that
we're making the Uzi twins black!
Whoa. Stop. Decelerate.
- When did we decide that?
- I thought we said that.
- I never said that.
- I thought it'd be cool
- if they was Black.
- Cool?!
Duke, I told you
I am not into cool.
I am into reality.
And in reality,
a brother would not act that way.
Scene 32.
"The Uzi twins shoot a cop,
- then run off into the night."
- Right.
That's bullshit!
There's no way a brother
will run off all mortified!
- He'll be like this-- "Pow!"
- Uh-huh.
He'll turn...
and walk off like this.
Cool and slow.
Oh no, man,
they would run, bro'!
Fine! Fine! Fine!
They run.
But then we make them white.
You sayin' a white guy
will act like that?
You tell me a Black guy'll
act like that?
Come on, man!
Cletis, you're my friend!
I don't want to be
arguing with you.
Yeah, you're my friend.
But I think you got
a bit of racist in you.
Whoa.
Yo, bro'?
- No.
- Yes.
I noticed it.
Is it what I said
about the Ebonics?
No, it's not that.
It's other things.
But I don't take it personal,
because you're white and
you don't know any better.
That's some mega-heavy
shit, Cletis.
I know.
Okay... what if...
we made the Uzi twins...
Puerto Rican?
What do you think?
- All right? Bro'?
- Bro'.
You wanna open up to me,
- you just go ahead.
- Okay, I will.
'Cause I think you keep
a lot of stuff inside.
This whole Burger Bun thing.
And that shit with Dimitri--
even Shelley's accident.
You gotta let
some of that stuff out.
I absolutely agree
with you 100%.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah?
But you never open up with me.
I mean...
I'm going through
some heavy shit right now too,
and I don't know if
I can talk to you about it.
That's not true. Come on.
You know that's not true.
What is it?
I was walking behind you
the other day in the precinct...
and I realized
that I was thinking...
"Hey, Ray's got
kind of a nice ass!"
What did you say?
See, I told you it was heavy!
You know...
I'm not gay, okay?
- I'm not!
- Of course. Everybody knows that.
Then why am I looking
at your ass?
I don't know.
It happens to everybody, I think.
Have you ever looked
at a guy's ass?
I probably have...
once or twice.
- Have you ever looked at my ass?
- No.
Why not?
I think you gotta talk
to somebody about this.
I'm talking to you.
I mean a professional.
- A shrink?
- Yeah.
To get it off your chest.
If you talk
to a lot of shrinks,
they'll tell you
that deep down inside,
- everybody's gay.
- I'm not fucking gay!
I told you, I'm not!
- I didn't--
- Why do I even--
All I'm trying
to say to you is,
you're my friend, okay?
And that's all that matters.
Okay, cowboy?
Here's what we'll do.
Drop me off up here.
I'll go to my appointment
and I'll hook up with you later
and we'll figure this thing out.
- It's probably just a phase.
- Okay.
Maybe it was just an accident.
Your eyes happened to look there.
- You think so?
- Could be.
You'll be fine.
All right?
Jerry: All right.
Much better.
Still doing the exercises?
Ray: Every day.
How's the pelvic area?
Any tension?
Roll over.
So...
where are you from,
if you don't mind me asking?
And if I do?
I was wondering
because of your accent.
Brighton.
On the English Channel.
How long have you
been over here?
- Six years.
- Married?
Once.
- You?
- Same.
Thanks for getting that
recommendation out so quickly, Doc.
You got it off fast,
and I'm back on duty.
You have an excellent recovery.
I'm impressed by your discipline.
Chiropractic is
a lifetime commitment.
Really? I didn't know that.
I'll have another go
at your fifth dorsal vertebra.
Take a deep breath.
Hold it and...
Damn it.
I'll get this bastard.
Take a deep breath in.
- ( pop )
- Oh... yeah.
I got it.
Yeah.
No, wait just
a goddamn minute!
- Sorry, Dr. Beamer.
- Stop calling me that!
My name's Ann!
And I like you, Detective.
But if you think I'll
screw you on this table!
Of course not, Dr-- Ann!
- I have no excuse. I'm sorry.
- Stop apologizing!
Did you hear me
scream for help?
I've got three patients
waiting outside.
Maybe I should just
get out of here.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
- Wait a second.
- What?
- How do I look?
- Not good.
- Did you want maybe--
- Sure.
What?
I thought you meant--
I meant, do you want
to have some dinner?
Oh yeah. I could do that.
- What did you think I meant?
- That. Dinner.
Okay.
Keep doing those exercises.
It's important.
Nora. Hi.
Ed, Francine.
How are you doing?
Bye.
Detective Pluto will be
in next week, Teesha.
Ed, let's get cracking.
Maribel says
she's getting a tattoo.
- Bullshit.
- Yeah?
- I'll show you bullshit tomorrow.
- Your father said yes?
- Uh-huh.
- Where you gonna get it?
- Mr. Magic, down in the Village.
- What street?
- Avenue C.
- How much does he charge?
$45.
All right.
You can be Baby Bug.
- I'm called Lady Bug.
- I'm Jewel Bug.
- I still don't believe you.
- That's because you're Bug Spray.
Fuck you, bitches.
Juan: Doing good, Ray.
You'll catch something.
I used to come out here
with Maribel.
She used to take
this fishing seriously.
She'd say,
"Papi, you gotta be quiet
so the fish don't hear you."
Then she'd say,
"Just whisper."
We'd spend the whole afternoon here,
whispering to each other.
Why did she stop?
She's growing up.
Now she hates her old man.
- Everything I say is stupid.
- Nah, she doesn't hate you.
I know she says
that shit sometimes.
She gave me this
for my birthday.
- That's nice.
- Nice, right?
She still calls me "Papi,"
so I know she loves me.
Now she thinks she can do
whatever she wants.
She's telling me,
"I'm getting a tattoo."
I said, "You're not.
You live in my house."
She doesn't respect me.
I gotta teach her respect.
It kills me to do that...
but she's still
my little girl.
I love her.
- I think it's a tough age.
- You're telling me?
You're lucky
you don't have a daughter.
- I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
- It's okay.
I'm sorry.
That was stupid of me.
Hey, guys.
What's up?
- What do you want?
- Ping Pong: Do it!
Ping Pong, come on.
- You know those guys?
- No. You okay?
- Ray: Yeah. You?
- Juan: I'm all right.
Those fucking pendejos!
Fuck! They shot
the fucking fish!
- Ray: I think he's alive.
- No, man!
Is that too symbolic?
No, man.
We need symbols.
I'm telling you, the French
bug out for that shit.
- Know what I'm saying?
- I've been thinking 'bout Cannes.
I bet you have, bro'.
I see us winning Best Picture.
- Don't you?
- From which arises a question.
Duke: Uh-huh?
When we walk up on stage...
- to accept that prize...
- Right.
- which one of us walks first?
- We go together.
Side by side. Unified.
What if the staircase
leading to the stage
is too narrow
for the both of us?
Who walks up first?
( intercom buzzes )
- Who is it?
- Man: Chinese food.
Second floor.
All right, man, reality check.
We're not walking on any stage
until we finish this scene!
- Know what I'm saying?
- Okay.
Both:
Yeah. Let's get to work.
- Duke: Let's do it.
- Cletis: All right.
Ann: Chiropractic is primarily
manipulation of the spine
in order to relieve pain.
All I know is
my back feels great.
And I enjoy getting
on that table with you.
Ray, I need to talk
about what happened.
- I meant getting adjustments.
- I don't want you to think--
- It was just one of those things.
- Yeah, you're right.
It was spur of the moment,
- but--
- I don't.
- You don't what?
- What you were saying.
Oh.
Isn't that what
you were just saying?
I know myself pretty well.
I know I'm not
an impulsive person.
Got it.
I smell smoke.
- Can you smell smoke?
- No.
What?
Ann: God damn it!
Those people are smoking.
Excuse me.
- Those people are smoking.
- Is it bothering you?
No, it's not bothering me,
it's killing me.
Do you know second-hand smoke
causes lung cancer,
- heart disease and emphysema?
- I'll try not to breathe.
It's moments like this
I really wish I had a gun.
You've got a gun,
don't you?
No, I'm off duty.
I didn't bring it.
Pity.
- Let's not let it ruin our meal.
- Right.
- How's the fish?
- Great. The chicken?
Not bad.
Do you want to taste--
They're smoking again!
- What are you doing?
- Enough of this frou-frou shit.
- Man: Jesus Christ!
- ( people gasp )
It was her!
And good things continue to develop
for New York's youngest hero,
Ricky Lapinsky.
Earlier today, Lapinsky's
parents received an offer
from Macaulay Culkin
for the film rights...
That's the kid from "Home Alone."
I love that movie.
...reportedly seeking
an action vehicle for himself
- to write, direct...
- Woman: "I see, you see,
he/she/it see."
- Sees.
"He sees the mouse."
Everybody else
"see" the mouse.
Why he "sees" it?
This language makes no sense.
I'll flunk this test.
No, you'll pass.
Just relax.
"He sees the mouse."
Okay, baby.
Goodbye. There's chicken
in the fridge.
I told Maribel
to heat it up for you.
- Wish me luck.
- I wish you luck.
Adiosito.
Ann: I am really sorry
about the whole thing.
Smoking is against the law.
I could have arrested them.
- You should have.
- What did the guy say again?
"If you persist on throwing food,
I'll have to ask you to leave."
He said, "young lady,"
or something. Hey.
- Hi, Pluto.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- This is Maribel,
- whom I've known since she was two.
- Nice to meet you.
Did your dad tell you
we went fishing?
I used your pole,
which you were pretty good with.
- I was never good.
- Okay.
- Maribel: Hasta la vista.
- Hasta luego.
Hasta manana.
- Ann: Good Spanish.
- Thanks.
Sorry about that front room.
I'm actually renovating.
I'll just eat and run,
since I have to go to work early.
- Ray: What did you say?
- I like candles.
They'd work better
if you lit them.
Ice cream.
You left that there
so I'd think you're a good boy?
I actually do
the exercises every day.
- All of them?
- Except for 7A.
- Doesn't do anything.
- What?
It works incredibly well.
Let me see
what you've been doing.
Ann: Show me.
I'll show you.
I don't feel anything.
It's called the "pelvic lift,"
which suggests a little elevation.
Try again.
- Up here.
- That high?
Yes. Now lower.
And raise.
- You feel that?
- Mm-hm.
- It opens you right here.
- Ticklish.
( salsa music plays )
Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Mirabel.
I'm going to get a tattoo.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, look.
See, mine's in red.
Told you.
( whistles )
- What's up, little one?
- What are you doing here?
Come see.
- Is he dead?
- Not yet. Get the money!
Get the money!
I'm sorry, but you better hurry
before Mommy comes home
and we have to do
her ass too!
- Go! Where's the money?
- I'm getting it.
Vamonos!
Let's get outta here!
Ping Pong:
C'mon, let's go!
No.
- What?
- Don't take that.
Don't take it?
After everything I did for you,
you tell me what not to take?
We should do her too.
( Juan grunts )
Fucking pendejo.
Do his ass again.
Let's try it again.
You hear the shots.
Pow! Pow! Pow!
- I run to the window.
- You see the Uzi twins
- waste the cop.
- Our friend! Gone!
- Annihilated!
- You want to kill them!
But I can't, 'cause
they're running away, scared.
So you yell something
at them!
I see you,
you goddamn Spic bastards!
Cletis: I see you!
- Yo, somebody saw us!
- Cletis: Bastards!
I see you!
I told you
to close the curtain!
- Cletis: I see you!
- Man: Shit! Go!
Go, go, go!
Oh my God.
Ah!
Now that is great exercise
for my back.
Shut up!
I mean it.
It hasn't felt this loose
in 10 years.
Maybe you can incorporate this
into your treatment program.
Fine with me.
I've never had sex
with a policeman before.
How was it?
Can we try your handcuffs
next time?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The sun is nice.
Are you asleep?
I'll take
a Double Bun burger
with a chocolate shake,
please.
I had a really nice time
last night.
Me too.
It was great.
It's been a while for me, so...
- We should get coffee.
- I agree.
What's with the service
in this place?
Hey!
Hello?
Tell you what.
If you can get somebody,
get me scrambled eggs,
- I'll grab a paper.
- Okay.
Let me get this paper here.
Shelley!
Ray!
Where have you been?
Oh my God!
Look, Cleo, it's your daddy.
Come on, Ray.
Let's go home.
Okay. Let me just get the paper.
Want to say bye to Daddy?
Say goodbye to Daddy.
I don't have any change. Hey!
Shelley!
( banging )
- Duke: Yo, Ray!
- ( banging on door )
Mr. Pluto!
Mr. Pluto!
You better come down!
There's some heavy shit going on!
- What?
- Somebody stabbed the super!
- Excuse me.
- Hey!
Detective.
Sir--
Maribel: I don't know.
Dimitri: Just answer
the question, sweetheart.
No. I told you
I never saw them before.
Look at me. Come on.
How did they get in?
Did you buzz them in?
Leave her alone.
What are you doing here?
- This is my case.
- We got this case an hour ago.
- Where were you?
- Touch her again, I'll lay you out.
Officer: Stop it!
You can't come in here!
God damn it, Pluto!
This is bad,
- very bad.
- Lieutenant--
Just shut up, because
I'm starting to get confused.
Are you trying to solve
murders or cause them?
Why am I responsible because
I live in that building?
It's never your fault, is it?
You never take responsibility
for anything, do you?
Yes, I do.
Let me prove it
by giving me this case.
Let me have
this case, please.
You and Cubbins have
the body art murder.
The guy's a friend of mine.
He's hanging by a thread.
I know his wife and daughter.
Give me one more shot.
No. Dimitri's got it.
Anything you want to tell me?
- About what?
- The case.
- You got any leads?
- You're a detective.
- Detect.
- Cut the fucking attitude!
You got any information,
give it to him now!
- Sorry. I don't know anything.
- Dimitri: Hey, Pluto.
I hear the girl and her father
were fighting a lot.
Who said that?
A neighbor said they were
going at it pretty heavy.
- Heavy?
- Yeah.
No, not heavy. Just typical stuff
between father and daughter.
Wait a minute.
What are you saying?
I'm not saying anything.
You're trying
to bring her in on this.
I can't fucking believe you!
That's enough!
Get the hell out!
That's his only daughter.
She loves him.
She used to fish with him!
She bought him a necklace.
She loves him!
You son of a bitch!
- Get the hell out!
- She loves him!
Get out of here!
Have some respect
for your job!
Ray: What's wrong with you people?
Are you blind?
God!
He's her father!
Ping Pong: "Super...
at...
hospital...
barely conscious."
Fucking guy's
still alive, Jojo!
Not for long.
What about us?
- It don't say nothing.
- Read it to me!
It just says it was two guys
"that nobody saw,
except the daughter,
who was unable to give a des--
- des--"
- Description!
"Police say no other res--
residents wit-- nessed
the stabbing."
I saw the guy
in the window.
- He was looking at me!
- Then what's going on?
I don't know.
Maybe they're waiting for us
to make a mistake.
Maybe this guy's scared
and hasn't told anybody.
Look at those tears.
That shit looks so real.
We should have done her.
She'll talk.
No!
She can't touch us without
bringing herself down!
All we have to do
is say the fucking truth.
She hired us!
You really think
that guy's seen us?
He called us fucking Spics!
- Let's go do him.
- No.
We're not going to do shit!
We just have
to sit here and think!
We just gotta fucking think!
It's a thinking man's game
and you're not thinking!
So think!
We should just go do him!
Let's go waste him
right now, Jojo!
Can you sit down?
You're making me nervous.
You should be nervous, man.
The super was
stabbed yesterday.
How does that make you feel?
I'm bummed for the guy.
No, Duke!
He was almost killed,
right in that window.
There's some weird energy
coming in here.
- Can you feel it?
- Yeah, I feel it.
It's intense, right?
It's very intense, man.
That's exactly what's missing
from our screenplay.
And my biggest problem
is the guy in the chair.
He doesn't move,
he doesn't talk.
He just sits there.
What do you want him to do?
We may have to "illuminate"
the whole scene.
No, I'm not losing
that shit with the darts.
That shit's fresh... dope.
It's totally whacked.
- Why are you talking like that?
- Talking like what?
"Dope," "fresh," "whacked."
- Nigger, you ain't Black.
- I know that!
- Then talk normal, will you?
- Well--
I thought I was, man!
Damn!
Cubbins: I know this is
difficult, Mrs. Fontaine,
but do you know anyone
who would want to kill your husband?
Have you talked
to the people next door?
- The tattoo parlor?
- "Mr. Magic."
They've always been jealous
of our celebrity clientele.
Mrs. Fontaine: They have
a walk-in trade, mostly tourists.
And you think they might have
killed your husband?
Doesn't it seem logical?
I don't know, Mrs. Fontaine.
Maybe it was someone else.
- Someone who didn't get it.
- Didn't get what?
Maybe someone who walked in here
and saw all this... stuff
and could only see it
as a bunch of morons
poking fucking holes
in themselves.
Maybe some guy saw this
and said, "That's it!"
and shot your husband.
What the hell was that about?
- That woman just lost her husband!
- I'm sorry.
Every time I think about Dimitri
getting that case...
- That's my case!
- It's not!
It's Dimitri's!
Deal with it!
Listen to this.
I went fishing with the super
down by the river.
Two Latino punks
showed up with a gun.
And they were gonna waste him.
I gashed one of them with a fishhook
that cut him in the neck.
If it's the same guys,
Maribel may have seen it.
Jesus Christ! I hate
that brown-nose prick too,
but if you know something,
tell him!
I will, but I want to talk
to the girl first.
Poor kid,
she's probably devastated.
What am I talking about?
- That's me.
- That is not you...
- "Loser cop."
- That is not you!
Only thing they left out is
"loser father, loser husband."
Cut this shit out right now!
Shelley loved you. If she heard you,
she'd kick your ass!
I shouldn't have bought
that paper.
What paper?
Shelley said to me,
"Let's go."
And I said,
"I want to buy this paper.
If you're in a hurry,
go ahead."
So she went ahead and...
I stopped to buy the paper.
If I hadn't
bought the paper--
I saw the van coming--
I could have saved her.
Ray, that is not your fault.
That was an accident.
Why don't you take off?
I'll cover for you
in the book.
Just go home
and take it easy.
- All right. Maybe you're right.
- You'll be all right.
Thanks, man.
Come on.
I love you, man.
Okay? I mean it.
Hey, faggot, why don't you
just kiss him?
Why did you say, asshole?
Greasy, fucking fat pig!
- I didn't mean it.
- What did you say?!
Computer voice:
You're busted!
Hello.
You know what, Abdul?
I'll need another candle.
Which one you like, Mr. Ray?
I'll let you pick,
this time.
Here we go.
This one will be good for you.
Okay. Wrap it up,
my friend.
Maribel, do we have money?
I don't even know--
Did I pack my card?
You've got your card.
- Mrs. Benitez.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry about Juan.
- Thank you.
- We're gonna go see him now.
- Is he conscious?
No, because
he lost so much blood.
I promise
we'll find those guys.
And if you need anything,
you let me know, okay?
Do you mind if I ask Maribel
a quick question?
- Sure
- Thank you.
I know this is
a tough time for you,
but did one the men who stabbed
your father have a cut on his face?
- A cut?
- On his cheek.
Maybe it was bandaged.
Do you remember?
No.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- Come on.
- Ray: Hasta la vista.
- Hasta luego.
Hasta manana.
( phone rings )
Dr. Beamer's office.
Teesha speaking.
Detective Pluto
for Dr. Beamer, please.
- How you doing?
- Hey.
Ann: I've been calling.
Did you get my messages?
Yeah, I just got them.
I just wanted to say
I had a really nice time last night.
If you every feel
the urge to try again--
You know what?
Ann...
I don't think
this is going to work out.
- What isn't?
- You and me.
It'd probably be better if...
we didn't see each other again.
Was it something I said?
Was it because
I threw that roll?
No.
Then why are you saying this?
Bad timing, I guess.
I'm not feeling too good
about myself right now
and I guess I'm just
not ready for this.
Right.
Well...
goodbye, then.
( knocking on door )
Hang on!
Just a minute!
How you doing?
You remember I told you
we were working on a screenplay?
We're kind of stuck
on a scene,
and we were wondering
if you could help us.
Sorry...
I'm a little busy right now.
- Is it police work?
- Yeah, afraid so.
That's why we need your help--
you being a real cop.
We got an emergency situation
and we need an expert.
Yeah, like a technical advisor...
which you get as film credit.
You know?
"Technical advisor: Ray Pluto."
- Detective Ray Pluto.
- Yeah, you got it.
Half hour tops.
So, you guys want
to tie me up to the chair?
Right. We're not a couple
of psycho freaks.
Though if you'd seen working on that
scene with the dummy in the chair...
You were buggin'.
That's because it wasn't real.
- We're mega-realists.
- Ultra-mega-realists.
- Ultra-mega...
- If it's not real, we can't do it.
Okay, let's get started.
See if I can help
you guys out here.
All right, you got this...
ultra-close.
Man, you know what?
Thank you.
You're saving our ass big time.
I got it.
Thank you.
You know what I'm saying?
- ( intercom buzzes )
- That's my Chinese food.
Ray: I got to tell you,
I agree with Cletis.
I don't believe half the stuff
I see in the movies.
Especially crime movies, and
more especially with the cops.
- Cops don't act that way.
- Uh-huh.
Professionally speaking,
the stuff you see in the movies--
it's fake. Like those
Clint Eastwood movies.
- Jojo: Get him in!
- ( Duke grunts )
Get him over there!
Anybody says a fucking
word, you're dead!
Ping Pong:
Which one was it?
I don't know, there's three of them.
What the fuck is going on here?
Nothing, man!
- Why is he tied up?
- He's helping us with a screenplay.
- What?
- "Scrimple"?
Why are you wearing them suits?
Jojo, come on!
Which one was it?
- I think it was this one!
- No, no, no!
- What did I do?
- You saw us.
I swear I've never seen
you guys in my life!
- I swear to God!
- Shut the fuck up!
- I saw you in the window!
- Called us fucking Spics!
Come on,
let's do them all!
- Tie 'em up!
- No, guys, listen!
We never saw you before.
We're writing a screenplay.
Shut the fuck up
with that scrimpe!
Please.
I'm begging you.
Don't do this.
I have a wife and a kid.
Shut the fuck up!
- I've seen you somewhere.
- No.
Ping Pong, where
do I know this guy from?
I don't know. Get something
for their faces.
- I'm sick of them looking at me!
- You're turning into a girly bitch!
Let's do it
and get out of here!
Hold the gun.
I'll get the bags.
Don't look at me.
I got one!
You guys are making a mistake...
killing innocent people.
Shut up!
- What's going on?
- Nothing. Just hurry up!
I'm telling you,
Ping Pong,
you don't have to kill us.
Nobody saw anything.
You can't even see
the apartment from that window.
Go ahead. Take a look.
Ray: Go on.
I got two!
Listen to me.
You want three murders
hanging on your head?
Especially when nobody
saw anything. Take a look.
Take a look.
Just go look.
That's all
I'm asking you to do.
Just look out the window.
You'll see what
I'm talking about.
Yeah.
Yeah, down to the left.
You see?
That's right.
See?
( screaming )
What was that?!
Ping Pong!
Jojo: Ping Pong!
Ping?!
Ping Pong?
- Where's Ping Pong?
- He went downstairs.
- You're fucking dead!
- No, you are.
You're under arrest
for attempted murder.
- Jojo: I'll kill you!
- Duke: Oh man!
Jojo: I'll kill you!
I'll kill you.
( Jojo coughs )
- Cletis: You all right?
- Duke: Yeah. You?
Cletis: I'm okay.
Cletis:
Yo, Ray. You're awesome.
Duke: Straight up.
That was hero shit.
Totally mega, man.
Ultra-mega hero shit.
Cletis:
I can't believe it.
I think they went a little far
with this headline.
Fact is,
this was Dimitri's case,
and you deliberately
withheld information.
You could be facing a demotion
for dereliction of duty.
( intercom buzzes )
- Yeah?
- Operator: Sorry to bother you.
It's the mayor on line two.
Good morning, Mr. Mayor.
Yes, sir,
it's pronounced "Pluto."
Raymond or Ray--
we call him Ray.
Yes, sir,
the promotion is official.
Absolutely,
you can announce it.
Detective First Grade.
Yes, sir, we're on our way.
Okay, Pluto,
let's get outta here.
Hey, Ray.
Yeah?
Congratulations.
Thanks, Chick.
Lieutenant:
Let's move it, Pluto.
- I'll do the walkout with you.
- I expect no less, Lieutenant.
Way to go, Ray.
Hero cop.
- Thank you.
- Good job, Pluto.
Fuckin' A.
Hey.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Jerry.
I'm proud of you.
I mean it.
You were there for me.
I'll never forget it.
Come on, girls!
Let's cut
the hugs and kisses.
By the way,
any phone calls for me?
No.
Let's go, Pluto.
Follow my lead.
Reporter:
Detective Pluto, over here!
Channel 10 News.
Does this...
Look at him out there.
Old Ray did all right, huh?
Don't get too excited.
You might piss all over the floor!
Something's not right
with this case.
The punks went back
to the apartment
to kill a witness, and
the girl positive ID'ed them.
What's not right?
The Medical Examiner told me
one of them had a two-day old
gash on his neck.
So?
No way the girl would have missed
that on the night of the stabbing.
Why didn't she mention it?
I think you're
all torn up inside
because Pluto
cleared your case.
You're jealous because
he got promoted and you didn't.
Why didn't she mention it?
What did we learn from this?
Never buzz somebody in
unless you know who it is.
Dude, no! No!
We gotta get this guy
out of this chair.
- How?
- I'm getting sick and tired
of writing this screenplay
by myself!
All right, my brother.
Watch this.
How he gets loose is...
maybe we didn't
tie him so good.
All right?
He gets loose...
he picks up the darts,
he starts throwing them at us!
You see,
there's that symbolism.
I like that. I like that.
We start getting hit.
( screams )
Fuck, my leg!
- All right. Now what?
- I pull out my knife!
I just pull it out.
That's a big blade.
That's some Davy Crockett
shit right there.
He kicks it out of your hand.
You go down to get it,
he kicks you in the head.
- Cletis: Bam!
- He rocks me. I'm almost out.
- He's gonna kill me.
- With what?
With his hands.
He's strangulating my neck!
- So you go get the knife.
- Just as you're about to die,
- I throw the knife.
- Close-up knife,
- spinning slow motion.
- Sound effects.
Knife spinning in the air.
Whh!
"Thwock!"
It gets him in the back.
He goes down.
- Bam! I get up.
- No, you stay down.
- I stay down.
- He coughs.
A mouthful of blood...
that hits you.
Where?!
In yo face.
"In Yo Face."
- What are you saying, bro'?
- We just nailed the scene
and the title
at the same time!
You mean that?
You were right!
"In Yo Face,"
that's the movie!
Man, I was just going
with the vibe.
- We both did that!
- No!
You did it.
It was your idea.
When we get to Cannes,
I'll buy you a six-pack
of Dom Periyom!
We're fucking going!
You know it!
Hell, we're going!
Parlez-vous!
Oui, monsieur!
A man so outraged
by a cowardly attack
on his dear friend and super,
Juan Benitez,
he undertook a personal
quest for justice.
He overcame
two crazed killers,
one armed with a gun,
one with a three-foot machete.
There was a regrettable
loss of life,
but in the view
of this administration,
this man deserves,
without question,
to be called a hero.
Ladies and gentlemen,
with this promotion,
the City of New York
expresses its gratitude
to Detective First Grade
Raymond Pluto--
or, as we call him, Ray.
Ray Pluto.
- He'll be all right.
- Thanks, Ray.
Thank you so much.
Teesha: Sorry, Mr. Pluto,
the doctor's with a patient.
- When will she be done?
- Hard to say.
We're very busy today.
- Ray: She got my message?
- Yes, I believe she did.
Okay, just tell her...
I called again.
I'll be home if
she wants to call me back.
I'll give her the message.
Mrs. Benitez: Ray?
Do you want to come in now?
Hey, Juan.
How you doing, man?
Look at that.
Strong as a bull.
You'll be okay.
We got those guys.
Fucking pendejos.
I bet they were the ones
doin' the graffiti in the building.
Shh... baby, don't talk.
Hey, look.
You'll be all right.
I gotta go. Okay? But...
I thought you might...
want this.
All right, man.
Thanks, Ray.
Maribel, help him.
Well, put it on.
Papi.
It's okay.
You can cry.
- Papi.
- Mrs. Benitez: He'll be all right.
Hasta la vista.
Hasta luego.
Hasta manana.
Teesha: Dr. Beamer's office.
Hold, please.
Detective Pluto again.
The doctor's not available
at the moment.
Would you do me a favor?
- Just write this down.
- All right.
Tell her... I'm sorry.
"Sorry." Uh-huh.
- Anything else?
- I screwed up.
Teesha:
So you screwed up.
And...
- I'm heading over to the river...
- River... uh-huh.
Ray:...to watch the sunset.
- All right.
I'd really love
it if she'd meet me there.
- Teesha: Is that all?
- Yes.
Are you sure?
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Ray: She's not coming.
Why should she?
After what you did?
You blew it.
Hero.
Unbelievable.
Hey!
Don't try sneaking up on me!
All right?
You don't know who you're
dealing with, do you?
Okay.
Okay. Huh?
Don't you read the papers?
Are you blind?
It's me.
I'm the hero cop.
Yeah, Detective First Grade...
Raymond Pluto.
Of course,
we all call him... Ray!
Oh Jesus!
Shithead!
What's the matter?
- Hey, what's the matter?
- My back went out again.
- Careful.
- Keep breathing.
Ouch!
Ooh, I got it.
It's the second lumbar.
- Okay.
- Stand up.
Do you think you can walk?
You know what?
Do me a favor.
Grab my gun.
It's right behind you.
Oh, Ray! Come on!
Here, here.
Might be a good idea
to put the gun in the holster.
- Here?
- Yeah, right there.
- Oh man.
- Better?
Yeah.
I didn't think you'd come.
- I wasn't going to.
- What happened?
Teesha talked me into it.
She said, "Give the fucking
bastard one more chance."
Oh.
Well...
- I guess I owe her one.
- Yep.
I guess you do.
I'm sorry.
- Oh!
- Ray?!
Are you okay? Sure?
- Can you walk?
- I'd like to try.
Let's go.
- Here we go.
- You okay?
- Don't forget to breathe.
- I'm breathing.
You kept forgetting
your exercises, didn't you?
You know... I got busy.
I told you, chiropractic
is a lifetime commitment.
I'm beginning to understand
what you meant.
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
But, man, let me tell you,
it's a soul town
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
It may seem
like a cold town
Go, go, go
But, man, let me tell you,
it's a soul town
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
Go, go, go
( bossa nova music plays )