Distant Voices, Still Lives (1988) - full transcript

(Rumble of thunder)

(Heavy rain)

(Radio announcer)
The shipping forecast for today and tonight.

Iceland, Bailey, Faeroes:

Fresh or strong southwest winds,
with gates in North Iceland, at first.

Occasional showers with snow in the north.

Visibility otherwise good.

Fair Isle, Cromarty, Forties…

South-southwest gales
spreading from the west with rain

and moderate or poor visibility.

Shannon, Irish Sea, Fastnet Lundy, Sole…



- Fresh or strong…
- It's seven o'clock, you three.

Occasional rain or drizzle,

visibility becoming moderate or poor
with some fog banks.

Plymouth, Portland Wight, Dover, Thames,
Humber, Heligoland, East Dogger…

- Light or moderate…
- Eileen? Tony? Maisie?

You'd better get your skates on.

…apart from coastal fog or mist patches
mornIng and night…

(Descending footsteps)

- Morning, Mam.
- Tony, are those two sisters of yours up yet?

Yeah, they're just coming down.

(Footsteps)

- Oh, hiya Mam.
- Morning, Maisie.

- Morning, Mam.
- Morning, honey.

- Nervous love?
- A bit.



Have a cuppa and a ciggie

(Woman singing)
l get the blues when it's raining

The blues I can't lose when it rains

Now each little raindrop

Falls on my window pane

Reminds me of the tears I shed

The tears were all in vain

So I sit and wait for the sun to shine

To shine all my blues away

It rained when I met you

And it rained when l lost you

So l get the blues when it rains

(Second voice, singing)
There's a man

Going round

Taking names

There's a man

Going round

Taking names

He has taken my father's name

And he's left my heart in pain

There's a man

Going round

Taking names

Oh-oh

Death is that man taking names

Oh-oh

Death is that man taking names

He has taken my brother's name

And he's left my heart in pain

There's a man gang round

Taking names

There's a man

Going round

Taking names

I wish me dad was here.

(Thinking)
I don't.

He was a bastard and I bleedin' hated 'im.

- (Woman) Can l have the money to go to the dance?
- (Dad) You get that cellar done. Never mind dances.

But Dad there's rats down there.
l'm terrified of rats.

No cellar, no dance.

Can I go to the dance, Dad?

Thanks.

You're just like your Auntie May!

- Aaah!
- And she was no bleedin' good!

(Screams)

I don't half wish me dad was here.

(Rumble of thunder)

Come out and fight me, you bastard!

Come out and fight!

Come out and fight me, you bastard!

You bastard!

Come out and fight!

Will you have a drink with me, Dad?

No.

Have a drink with him, Tommy.

Please.

I said...

no.

Tuppence,

that's all I've got.

But I wouldn't give you daylight

Come on, you little bastard!

- Come on! Get in that van.
- Get in that van!

(Engine starts)

Are you ready, Ei?

Here goes.

(Laboured breathing)

(Woman) Ah, he was all right your dad

(Eileen) You were the only one
who could get round 'im.

(Woman) What'll you give us for them, Mr. D?

Micky, they're your dad's working boots.

I know, but we've just got to have five bob.

- What for?
- Oh, Dad, we've just got to go to the dance.

I don't know.

You two are bleedin' dance mad.

Oh, go on, Mr. D.

Just five bob.

Don't be snidey.

All right.

l'Il lend you the money.

But take the boots back home. OK?

Oh, thanks, Mr. D, you're a pal.

Thanks, Dad.

And be back here by 11.

Bleedin' dance mad.

How are we fixed for a few ciggies, Mr. D?

Out!

(Dad) Eileen! It's nearly 11 o'clock

- OK, Dad.
- Just one last ciggie, Mr. D.

I'll be in in a minute, Dad.

You'll get me hung, you will.

Isn't it terrible the way we've got to be in
by 11 o'clock.

I know. It's worse than Alcatraz, isn't it?

(Dad) Eileen! I won't tell you twice.

Just a few more minutes, Mr. D,
and she'll be in, honest.

Make sure it is only a few more minutes an' all.

I'm sure I'm getting a brain tumour.

Oh, Micky, behave, you're healthier than I am.

No, honest, kid.
Me head's been banging for days.

- Eileen! What bleedin' time do you call this?
- Blimey.

I'm coming, Dad, I'm coming.

(Both) See you, kid.

Look what he's bought me.

It's Chanel No. 5.

I know.

Oh.

Isn't that dead romantic?

Before you are joined in matrimony,

l have to remind both of you

of the solemn and binding character
of the vows you are about to make.

This marriage is the union of one man
with one woman

freely entered into, for life,
to the exclusion of all others.

(Cheering)

Ah!

- (Giggling)
- In you come, Maisie.

(Laughter)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile.

(All singing)
Oh, oh!

Oh, what a gal

There's none so classy

As my fair lassie

Oh, oh

Oh, holy Moses, what a chassis

She went riding

She didn't fall

From the country

I was the one who had to walk

If you knew Susie like I know Susie

Oh, oh what a gal!

- My Yiddisher momma...
- (Woman shouts)

(Man) I, eh! No. Order now.

- ...I miss her more than ever now...
- Order... Go on, Maisie. Go on.

My Yiddisher momma

I long to kiss her wrinkled brow

I long to hold her hand

As I did in days gone by

And say I'm sorry

For everything that made you cry

How few were her pleasures

She never cared...

I want me dad.

I want me dad!

(Agonised sobbing)

A CAPPELLA FEMALE VOICE:
In the bleak midwinter

Frosty wind made moan

Earth stood hard as iron

Water like a stone

Snow had fallen, snow on snow

Snow on snow

In the bleak midwinter

Long

Ago

(Choir) Our God, heaven cannot hold Him

Nor earth sustain

Heaven and earth shall flee away

When He comes to reign

In the bleak midwinter

A stable place sufficed

The Lord God Almighty

Jesus Christ...

Say good night to your dad, kids.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, kids.

(Children giggle)

(Choir continues)
What can I give Him

Woeful as I am?

If I were a shepherd

I would bring a lamb

If I were a wise man

God bless, kids.

I would do my part

Yet what can I give Him?

Give

My heart

Give

My heart

Nellie!

Clean it up!

(Laboured breathing)

(Door slams, keys jangle)

(Departing footsteps)

(Man) Play Limelight, Scouse.

(Plays)

(Man) That's it, Scouse. Give us a tune.

(Playing continues)

- It was Schmeling, Scouse.
- You're wrong. Schmeling never won the title.

The heavyweight champions were...

Jack Sharkey, Primo Camera,

Braddock,

Baer...

No, I tell a lie, Baer then Braddock.

And then Joe Louis, who held that title till...

1948 from 1937.

SOLDIER: Come on, Scouse.

(All sing)
It takes a worried man

To sing a worried song

It takes a worried man

To sing a worried song

It takes a worried man to sing a worried song

I'm worried now, but I won't be worried long

Thanks for coming home, son.

I got compassionate leave, Mam.

Was...

...wrong...

...lad.

OK, Dad.

OK.

So wherever she may be

Go bring her back to me

Roll along

Roll along

Kentucky

Moon

More band!

Whoopie!

I like pickled onions

I like pickled cabbage

Piccalilli is all right with a bit of cold meat
on a Sunday night

I like Tommy-a-toes

But the best thing...

- Your gran's in fine fettle.
- Just come back from the Isle of Man.

She should have stayed there.
She's just like me dad and I bleedin' hate her.

- (Gran) Whoopie!
- AUNT: More bleeding punch!

(Child's voice)
Don't fall, Mam.

Please don't fall.

(Eileen) Why did you marry him, Mam?

(Mam) He was nice.

He was a good dancer

(♪ ELLA FITZGERALD: "Here I go again")

I hear those trumpets blow again

All aglow again

Taking a chance on love

Here I slide again

About to take that ride again

Starry-eyed again...

- No! Never be like that!
- No! Tommy, no!

Tommy, no! Please, Tommy!

Oh, Tommy, no!

Shut up. Shut up!

- Aaah!
- Shut up, shut up!

(Shrieks)

Shut up!

I never would try

But now I'm taking the game up

(Sobbing)

And the ace of hearts is high

Things are mending now

I see a rainbow blending now

We'll have a happy ending now

Taking a chance on love

If anything happens to my mum...

...I'll bleedin' kill you.

(Tony) Go on, Masy, give us Barefoot Days.

(Sings)
Barefoot days

When we were just a couple of kids

Barefoot days

And all the things we did

(All) We'd go down to a shady nook

Use a bent pin fora hook

And we'd fish all day, we'd fish all night

But the goddamn fish refused to bite

And then we'd slide

Down someone's backyard door

Slide and slide

Till our pants was tore

Then we'd have to go home

We'd have to go to bed

While our mother got busy
with the needle and thread

Oh, boy

What joy we had in barefoot days

Make sure there's room in there.

(Air-raid siren)

Tommy, where are the kids?
Where are the kids?

(Siren still sounds)

(Drone of aeroplane)

(Whistle of fourth bomb)

Come in. Come in.

Where the bleedin' hell have you been?

- They're getting closer!
- They're gonna bomb us!

Sing, Eileen.

Sing.

(Drone of aeroplane engine)
Roll out the barrel

- We'll have a barrel of fun...
- (Distant explosion)

(Rest join in hesitantly)
Roll out the barrel

We've got the blues on the run

Zing boom tararrel

We'll have a song of good cheer

(Distant explosions)

Now's the time to roll the barrel

Cos the gang's all here

How are you, Ei?

OK, Mam.

What's scarlet fever, Mam?

It's scarlatina, love.

Scarlatina.

Where's our Tony, Mam?

Why can't I come in, Dad?

There's no place for you here.

Frig off!

(Dog barks)

- Can I stay here, Gran?
- You can have the sofa.

(Girls) If I should die before I wake
pray the Lord my soul to take

God bless Mother, God bless Father,
and keep them safe

If you look into a mirror after midnight...

...you'll see the devil.

(Singing)
Oh, when Irish eyes are smiling

All the world is bright and gay

In the lilt of Irish laughter

When Irish hearts are happy

When Irish hearts are happy

All the world is bright and gay

In the lilt

Of Irish laughter

(Dad whistles melody)

When Irish hearts are happy

(Continues whistling)

(Both) R-A—G-M-O-P-P-P. Ragmop!

(Both) One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight. Ragmop!

God!

Isn't it hot?

I'm sweating past meself.

Oh, here's Red.

Oh, God, that's all I need.

Aw, he's harmless.

Hiya, Mick.

Die!

Oh, what you're throwing away.

(Laughs) God help him, the poor gobshite.

Do you remember Formby?

And that tent?

Oh, cor blimey.

- (Micky) I never!
- You did.

I never.

- You did.
- I never.

You did fart!

Uh...

I never.

- I thought you'd killed her, you know, Micky.
- I know. So did I.

When I think about it,
I was a real cow with that mallet, wasn't I?

- Do you ever see Jingles?
- No.

Not since she married Les.

It's wonderful!

(Both) It's marvellous!

Jingles, you came!

(All) They tried to sell us egg foo yung!

- So, how are you, kid?
- Smashing.

- Are you still married?
- Oh, God, yeah.

Two kids and a radiogram to support.

- You haven't altered, Ei. Still not a pick on you.
- Still eight stone soaking wet.

- How do you do it?
- Witchcraft!

- You're hooking with Mick.
- Oh Jingles, I'm in a worse state than Russia.

(Laughter)

Do you know who I saw in The Swan
last week? Jackie McGorrie.

Remember when...

(Music drowns conversation)

Cos I love you that's why

Whoa, it's Saturday

That's why.
Yeah, it's Saturday

Cos I love you that's why

Oh, kiss me, you fool

That's why

(Knock at door)

That's him.

Bet he's come in a taxi.

Well, you know these seamen.

Money's no object.

I've signed meself out of hospital.

I've walked home.

He's gone.

My Tommy's gone.

Won't you say ta-ra, Dad?

I'm only going for the season.

Do you know what?

If I ever get a gun,
l'Il blow your bleedin' brains out.

Ta—ra, Mam!

Bye, love!

Don't forget to write, now, will you?

Have a ciggie, kid.

(Singing)
I put a nickel in the telephone

To dial my baby's number

Got a brr—brr—brr—brr busy line

Pwllheli, here we come!

(Takes orders)

Yes, please.

What would you like to order, sir?

(Mam) Please come home, Ei.

Your dad's really ill.

One?

OK.

(Micky sings)
East is east and west is west

And the wrong one I have chose

Let's go where they keep on wearin'

Those rings and things and buttons and bows

Flowers and frills and buttons and bows

Don't bury me in this prairie

Take me where the ce-ment grows

Let's get down to some big town

Where they judge a gal
by the cut of her clothes

And you'll stand out in buttons and bows

I love you in buck skin

Or the skirts that you've homespun

But I'll love you longer, stronger

Where your friends don't tote a gun

My bones denounce the buckboard bounce

And the cactus hurts my toes

Let's vamoose where gals keep usin'

Those silks and satins and linen that shows

And you're all mine in buttons and bows

Gimme Eastern trimmin'
where women are women

In high-silk hose and peek-a-boo clothes

And French perfume that rocks the room

And you're all mine

(Girls take a deep breath) Bows!

Well, Ei...

You're well and truly married now.

Yes.

But I don't feel any different, Maisie.

I don't feel any different.

Don't be worrying.

You'll be all right.

(Mam) They soon grow up.

Maisie is engaged to George Roughley

and I don't think it'll be long
before our Tony marries Rosie Forsyth.

(Sighs)

(Wearily) I'll leave the place till morning.

(Drum roll crescendo)

(Soprano)
Ah ah

(Soprano continues)
Aah aah aah aah aah-aah

(Soprano continues) Aah aah-aah

(Mam) I love the light nights.

(Maisie) But they're starting
to draw in now, aren't they Mam?

Yeah...

(Rumble of thunder)

(Dad) Nellie?

Nellie!

Nell!

- (Eileen) Sorry about the mess, Mam.
- Go on, you're all right. I'll see to it.

- Ah thanks, Mam.
- (Micky) See you Mrs. D. Ta-ra.

(Mam) Enjoy yourselves!

(Les) You're married now! I'm your husband!
Your duty's to me! Frig everyone else!

Monica, jingles!
That's all ancient history now.

(Mam) Come on. Up the dancers.

(Children giggle)

(Mam) How much do you love me?
(Children) A pound of sugar!

(Mam) Hush a bowee, hush a bow

Hush-a-bowee hush-a-bow

Hush-a-bowee hush-a-bow

Hush-a-bowee hush-a-bow

(Tony) Good night Masy.

(Mam) Good night, son.

The Sandman is coming.

How much do you love me?

(Choir) Of one that is so fair and bright

Velut maris stella

Brighter than the day is light

Parens et puella

- I cry to thee
- (Woman cries out)

Thou see to me

Lady

Pray thy Son for me

Tam pia

That I may come to thee

Aaah-aah-aah!

Maria...

- What do you ask of the Church of God?
- (Crowd) Faith.

And what does faith hold out to you?

Life everlasting.

- Do you renounce Satan?
- I do renounce him.

- And all his works?
- I do renounce them.

- And all his pomps?
- I do renounce them.

- Are you willing to be baptised?
- I am willing.

Elaine,

ego te baptiso...

...in nomine Patris

et Filii

et Spiritus Sancti.

- Amen.
- (All) Amen.

(Baby cries)

(Radio) It's 12 o'clock, and for those of you
with friends and relatives in Germany

here's Jean Metcalfe on your behalf
taking over for Two-Way Family Favourites.

(Jean Metcalfe) Hello everyone.

(♪ Dickie Valentine:
"Someone Broke Into My Heart")

And stole a beat or two

The finger of suspicion points at you

Someone took away my sleep
and never left a clue

The finger of suspicion points at you

Just as soon as they can make
the guilty one confess

I know exactly what I'm gonna do

(Fanfare)

(Bill Cotton)
Wakey! Way-keel

(Theme tune)

Good afternoon, everybody. This is Billy Cotton
introducing another Billy Cotton Band Show.

Hey you! You down there with the glasses...

Meanwhile for those who can't read, here is
a sort of radio show which is Beyond Our Ken.

Among those taking part are
Wheelwright Amberley Grotefield, Mrs. Nift,

The House of Commons yo-yo team...

...George and Lily Brisket -
sisters with a difference...

Coloratura soprano Mildred Gas Stove...

(Kenneth Williams)
Bet she's got a good range!

(Laughs)

To continue...

you might have been listening to,
or have just missed, Beyond Our Ken...

Could you make us a Lemon Dash, Tony?

Kenneth Horne and also to Kenneth Williams,
Hugh Paddick, Betty Marsden, Bill Pertwee...

There once was a little princess

A sweet little lady, I guess

Her birthday was near

So I'd like you to hear

Of the story of the Little Princess

(Knocks)

You dreamboat

You lovable dreamboat

The kisses you gave me

Set my dreams afloat

Maisie!

I would sail

The seven seas with you

Even if you told me to go
and paddle my own canoe

Sincerely

I love you so dearly

Say that you'll be mine for evermore

Have you come to mind the baby Doreen?

- Yeah.
- Come in then, love.

(Eileen)
Brown-skin girl stay home and mind baby

Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby

Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby

Oh, I killed nobody but my husband

(All) He's stone-cold dead in the market

He's stone-cold dead in the market

He's stone-cold dead in the market

Oh, I killed nobody but my husband

Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby

Brown-skin girl, stay home and mind baby

I'm going away on a Harrison boat

And if I don't come back

Stay home and mind

The baby!

(All) Oh my what a rotten song

- What a rotten song what a rotten song...
- A rum and black, a Shandy.

- Oh my what a rotten song...
- A Black & Tan, pint of mild, pint of bitter.

- And what a rotten singer too!
- Pint of mixed. Thanks, love.

Hello, George.
We've come to wet the baby's head.

- Hello. What's it like being a dad, eh?
- Made up.

What are you having?

When that old gang of mine

Get together

On the corner of my home town

We were friends in the past

And our friendship will last

Till the curtain of dreams comes down

When that old gang of mine

(Mam) I borrow 25 pounds
from the Lehigh & Lend every Christmas

then pay it back over the next 12 months.

It's like a tontine, really.

- Royal Liver.
- (Mam) Come in, Mr. Spaull.

Can I surrender the policies
on the two girls, Mr. Spaull?

Certainly, Mrs. Davies.

You've had these some time now, haven't you?

Since they were babies.

But as they're both married now,
there's no point in keeping them on.

All right, Mrs. Davies.

I'll take them into the office for you.

Thanks, Mr. Spaull.

- Ta-ra.
- See you next week.

- Tony?
- Yeah?

I'm just running to confession.
Will you pay the club man for me if he comes?

OK, Mam.

(All)
That old gang of mine

Gets together

Well, there's never a care

Or a frown

We will sing Sweet Adeline

Say goodbye to Auld Lang Syne

On the corner

Of my home town

- And how much did she weigh?
- Just over seven pounds.

- She was a big baby, wasn't she?
- Yeah.

- Did you have her at Mill Road?
- Yeah, on the 6th.

- What have you called her?
- Elaine.

Aw, God love her.

How do you like being a gran, Mrs. D?

I wouldn't be without her. Well, she's me first.

- Well Maisie, I'd better be making tracks.
- Thanks for coming, Margie.

- I'll see you.
- See you, Maisie.

- See you, Mrs. D.
- Ta-ra, love.

You've known Margie for some years now.

Yeah. We've all been mates since school.

Margie, meself and Vera Large.

- Vera's a nice girl, isn't she?
- Aw, smashing.

Maisie Davies, you dirty mare.

Oh, hiya, Micky.

- Hiya Mrs. D.
- You're looking well, Mick.

I know. The face that launched
a thousand ships.

- The other way.
- That's wicked, that.

Being married to you.
No wonder me poor face is destroyed.

If I'd played me cards right
I'd be in America now.

Remember that Yank I went out with, Mrs. D?
He thought I had lovely eyes.

Hated the rest of me,
but thought I had lovely eyes!

And I end up by falling for a dwarf.

There's no justice you know, is there?

(Sings)
Chocolate eyes

Those great big chocolate eyes!

Get your hands off my body.

You have only got one tonsil,
but I love you all the same.

Don't make mock of Mick, you bastard!

Now, you know you love
the bones of him, really.

Oh-oh-oh!

The walking hormone? Oh, you fool!

- A Pound a man, is it?
- (Dave) Here you are, Mick.

Sit here.

Thanks, Dave.

- Go the match yesterday?
- Oh, you're not talking about football again?

Behave, will you?

Football mad.

Aren't they all?
Look at that thing I'm married to.

He gets more worked up over a set of fixtures
than me in me nude.

Do you know what?
If I was a centre forward, I'd be laughing.

- What are you having, blossom?
- A rum and pep, love.

- And then you.
- He should be so lucky!

Eh, Dave, will you get us some ciggies?

- Craven A?
- Or Park Drive.

OK.

- What's your poison, Red?
- A bitter, thanks, Dave.

(Radio)
The League Division One.

Birmingham City three, Manchester City three.

Fulham three, West Bromwich Ahbion two.

Preston North End two, Blackpool three.

Everton two, West Ham United nil.

Leicester City nil, Leeds United two.

Manchester United three,
Nottingham Forest one.

Division Two: Brighton…

(Eileen) Any luck?

- No, I couldn't pick me nose.
- Bristol City three, Hull City one.

Charlton Athletic nil…

If you want me, I'll either be at
May Tobin's or at The Grapes.

In Phythian Street?

Yeah.

Hey, Gran! Have you got a shilling
for two tanners?

There's enough money in the meter.

(Eileen) She never haves enough gas
and the bleedin' thing always goes.

(Mam) Well...

Here you are, love. I've got one.

No.

Thanks, Mam.

Isn't she an old cow?

How can you live with her, Ei?

Beggars can't be choosers, Maisie. You know
how hard it is to get a place of your own.

(Elaine gurgles)

Did you get anything for a sarnie, love?

Yeah, I got a quarter of corned beef and a loaf.

Oh, and four Devon Delights.

I've just made a pot of tea.

- Has she been good, Mam?
- Good as gold.

(Radio) And it's Come To Daddy, striding away now
towards the line, Seascape in second place,

Bali Hai is third and these are well dear of the
remainder, All Serene running into fourth place.

But Come To Daddy is the winner Seascape is
second Bali Hai is third and fourth All Serene.

And so the result of the 1959 Cesarewitch
is first Come to Daddy,

owned by Mr. TH Farr, trained by Wilfred Lyde
and ridden by Doug Smith.

Second was Seascape,
owned by Mr. Jim Jewell, trained by Jed Leader

and ridden by claiming apprentice Ron Singer.

- And third was Bali Hai…
- (Eileen) We're back!

- Any pea whack, Mam?
- Yeah, I've made a pan.

- Did you back the winner?
- The donkeys I do?

It had three legs. It's probably still running.

…was All Serene…

Your tea's in the oven, son.

- Are you going to come and have yours, Mam?
- I'll be in in a minute lad.

OK, Mam.

(Singing) She was a girl
and the only girl her daddy ever had

A real old-fashioned girl, with eyes so true

I could love nobody else but you

Oh-oh-oh, I want a girl

Just like the girl that married dear old dad

Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, very much.

- Come on, Les, just one drink.
- All right, just one, to wet the baby's head.

- But we're not staying here all fucking night.
- OK, Les, OK.

...seen it on telly.

She wouldn't let us out.

- Hiya.
- Hello, love.

- Hiya, Les, mate.
- Having a bevvy or what?

A pint of bitter, and a gin and orange for her.

I've got it. I've got it.

So, how's it going, Red?

(Girls)
We're all together again, so here we are

We're all together again, so here we are

And the Lord knows when

We'll be together again

We're all together again, so here we are

I'd give the world to start all over

Back in the old routine

To live my life in fields of clover

Back in the old routine

Give me an old straw hat
and a double truckin'

Down the avenue...

Oh, Jingles, don't get so upset

Aw, come on.

No, I'm all right, honest.

It's just Les.
You know what he's like when he turns.

The bastard!
For two pins, I'd go over there and tell him.

- No, don't say anything.
- They're all the same

When they're not using their big stick,
they're farting. Aren't men horrible?

Eh!

Come on!

- Oh you're not going are you, Jingles?
- I think Les wants to.

But you've only been here five minutes.

Come on.

I feel like going over there and bursting him.

I'd better go, Ei. See you, Micky.

- Never mind, girl.
- See you, Tone.

Poor Jingles.

You sit there. It's none of your business.
Don't get involved.

You callous bleeder! That's my friend, that.

You men, you're all the bleedin' same.
Only think of yourselves.

Don't you tell me what I think.
No-one knows what's going on inside my mind.

Including you.

- Heck, heck! What's going on?
- Nothing.

- You know how she flies off the handle!
- I don't.

I've got good cause to, you shit-house!

Now, come on, we don't want any upset.

- (Eileen) OK, Mam.
- (Dave) OK, Nell.

We're here to enjoy ourselves.

Come on, Micky, give us a song.

Pack up all my care and woe

Here I go singing low

Bye-bye, blackbird...

Oh, cor blimey!
You're not singing again, are you, Mick?

Listen, Bloated Tonsils,
just cos you're dead miserable,

it doesn't mean the rest of us
have to look like 'Keep death off the road'.

Judy Garland. In bad health.

Oh, me arse!

I wanna be around

To pick up the pieces

When somebody breaks your heart.

Go on, Ei, I love this.

Somebody twice as smart

Asl

I wanna be around

To see how she does it

When she pulls your heart to bits

To see how that puzzle fits

80 fine

And that's when I'll discover
that revenge is sweet

When I'm sitting there, applauding,
from that front-row seat

When somebody breaks your heart

Like you

Like you broke mine

(All clap)
- Ah, great. Thanks, Ei.

(Radio) Here, now take that crisis what
cropped up between Ron and Eth last Friday

And when I say 'crisis' Ted
I mean it was a real crisis,

especially as far as Eth was concerned.

(Musical interlude)

(Eth) Oh, Ron.

I don't know.

It seems to have got so much worse
these last few weeks.

Somehow l just can't seem to get you
out of my mind day or night.

(Dave chomps)

You've become a sort of… ache.

Have you got to make that noise when you eat?

What noise?

Cor blimey!

What a future I've got to look forward to.

25 years with Mouth Almighty.

(Eth) You know it's...
It's the romantic side with us.

It's the kissing and the...

You know...

(Man) I've switched the light off.

I don't know whether I'm doing right or wrong.

- (Radio) How's your precious one?
- (Laughter on radio)

Who the bleeding hell was that?

Uncle Ted.

Me dad's brother.

God blimey.

What a family I've married into.

A crowd of nutters.

He frightened the bleeding life out of me.

(Clock chimes on radio)

This is your storyteller, The Man in Black...

Teddy! Stop acting soft.

Norah!

Hey, Norah!

All right, Moggie? How are you?

Can I have two halves of Shandy, a Matise,
a Double Diamond, a pale ale and lime,

er, a Black & Tan, a pint of mix, a rum and pep,
a rum and blackcurrant, and a Guinness?

- Oh, and have one for yourself, love.
- Thanks, Tone.

Nervous, love?

But everybody feels nervous
on their wedding day.

(Girls) When Johnny Dunn was 21

He used to dine at each café

He loved the ladies, so they say

That's why he dined at each café

His father's got, now, what has he got?

An awful lot

And that's not good for young Johnny

When he said, 'Go to work, my son'

What did he say?
Johnny said, 'I'm having too much fun'

I love the ladies, I love the ladies

I wanna be among the girls

And when it's five o'clock and the tea is set

I'm wanna have my tea with some brunette

I love the ladies, I love the ladies

I love the tall ones, short ones

Mm, God bless 'em

The world can't turn around
without a beautiful girl

(Red) I'll get 'em now I'll get 'em now

All right, Mam.

(Red) Come on, Mick.

All right. In just a minute. I'll finish me drink.

(Woman) Let me have your glasses please!
- Mick, come on.

Ignore him.

Come on, Kemo Sabe!

All right, Tonto!

Oh, men! Don't they mither?

- (Eileen) Is he still handy around the house?
- (Micky) Joking, aren't you? Won't do a tap.

He changed a nappy once.
Nearly had a nervous breakdown.

- I'd better go, otherwise he'll get a cob on.
- You're not frightened of him?

Am I shite! He looks at me the wrong way,
I give him a dog's life.

Come on, now. Let's have your glasses please!

We're on the road to anywhere

With never a heartache and never a care

We've got no home, we've got no friends

We're grateful for everything
the good Lord sends

We're on the road to anywhere...

Eh! You're telling me.

(All talk at once)

If I was manager of that team,
I wouldn't change nothing, nothing.

- He hasn't been for three weeks.
- The man hasn't been for months.

(Girls stop singing)

There's room there for improvement.

(All talk at once again)

There's always room for improvement.

Red? Red!

See what I mean?
Doesn't take a blind bit of notice.

It's like talking to a corpse.

Eh, soft shite!

You said you wanted to go, before.

It's worse than the bleeding Gestapo, this is.

- I can have a talk, can't I?
- Ooh, God help us, it's alive!

- Men!
- The little dears!

So don't be a stranger, otherwise
I'll not see you till next Preston Guild.

We're only in Jubilee Drive.
You're only ten minutes away.

We'll see.

I'll try and come round.

Or maybe I could come to yours.
You're living in Vane Street, aren't you?

Oh, you'd better not, Micky.
He's funny about having visitors.

OK.

Then you try and come to me.

We'll see, kid.

Well...

I'd better get Father Feck home.

Come on, Trigger, back to the reservation.

- See you, Micky.
- Ta-ra, lads.

(Maisie) Come on, Ei.

(Maisie) Barney Google!
The fellow with the 900eg eyes

(Men) ...so will I

Singing I will, if you will, so will I

Singing I will, if you will

I will, if you will...

I have had a ball!

Do you have to shout? You'll wake the dead.

- (Gran) Is that you, Eileen?
- Oh, God, blimey, you have!

Yeah, it's only me and Dave, Gran.
We'll be in in a minute.

- I want a wee.
- Oh, then do it over there and be quick.

(Urinates)

Up a lazy river

By the old mill run

Oh, suffering Jesus!

That's all we need, you singing.

As if life isn't purgatory enough without that.

That lazy, lazy river

In the noon-day sun

(Gran) Eileen! It's late

OK, Gran, we won't be much longer.

Come on, dead hake. Hurry up.

And be quiet!

A lazy, lazy river

In the noon-day sun

(Gran) Eileen! Make sure that door's locked

Wouldn't this put years on you?

OK, Gran.

I'm sure I was put on this earth
just to be tormented.

Get in!

Up a lazy river...

And be careful.

(♪ "Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing")

How are you, love?

I fell off the bleeding scaffolding, Maisie.

Oh, George.

George.

(♪ Harmonic plays "The Isle of Innisfree")

Oh, Tony.

Oh, son!

Well... are you ready?

Yeah.

Fighting fit.

They're dead fiddly, these, aren't they?

Yeah.

- Get the carnations from Annie Gaffney?
- Yeah.

There you are.

Well, let's be having you.

Are we all ready?

Well, sun bun, mustn't keep the bride waiting.

No, cor blimey. I'd never live it down.

(Car drives off)

(Priest) I, Thomas Anthony, take thee, Rose

(Tony) l, Thomas Anthony, take thee, Rose

- To my wedded wife
- To my wedded wife

- To have and to hold
- To have and to hold

- From this day forward
- From this day forward

- For better for worse
- (Rose) For better for worse

- For richer for poorer
- For richer for poorer

- In sickness and in health.
- In sickness and in health.

- Till death do us part.
- Till death do us part.

- And thereto I plight thee my troth.
- And thereto I plight thee my troth.

Ego conjungo vos in matrimonium.

In nomine Patris et Filii

et Spiritus Sancti.

Amen.

(Both) Amen.

(Mam) For all you mean to me

My thanks to you

For every memory

My thanks to you

My thanks for everything we had to share

For all the joy you brought
when you were there

These foolish words of mine

Can never say

How slow the hand of time

Now you've all gone away

As years go rolling by

My whole life through

I give my love

And all my thanks

To you

(Guests clap)

(Man) I got into a boxing ring with a fella...

Dad, you're not going to sing
that old bleeding thing?

(Woman) Come on.
Let's have some records.

(♪ Eddie Calvert: "Oh Mein Papa")

(Maisie) Come on, Mam.
(George) Come on, girl.

(Dave) Good night, Nell.
(Mam) Good night, Dave.

(Eileen) See you tomorrow, Mam.

(Mam) OK, Ei.

(♪ Benjamin Britten & Peter Pears: "O Waly, Waly")

The water is wide

I cannot get o'er

And neither have I wings to fly

Give me a boat

That will carry two

Then both shall row

My love and I

Oh, down in the meadows, the other day

A-gathering flowers, both fine and gay

A-gathering flowers, both red and blue

I little thought

What love can do

I leaned my back up against some oak

Thinking that it was a trusty tree

But first it bended and then it broke

And so did my false love to me

A ship there is and she sails the sea

She's loaded deep, as deep can be

But not so deep

As the love I'm in

I know not if I sink or swim

0, love is handsome

And love is fine

And love's a jewel

While it is new

But when it is old

It groweth cold

Then fades away

Like morning dew