Diamond's Edge (1988) - full transcript

[ music playing ]

♪ Just ask for Diamond

♪ Just ask for Diamond

- [ gunshots ]
- ♪ Private eye

♪ Just ask for Diamond

[ cat screeching ]

[ siren blaring ]

♪ Just ask for Diamond.

[ meows ]

[ trolley bell rings ]

Boy:
There's not much call



for private detectives
in Camden Town.

Business had been so bad,

even the cockroaches
were walking out on us.

And I'd have gone with them
if I had anywhere to go,

but my parents had
emigrated to Australia,

and I was stuck with
my big brother Herbert.

It was the second week
in December,

and the way things
were going,

it looked as if the turkeys

would be having a merrier
Christmas than me.

No credit.

I'll pay you next week.

You said that
last week.

We're going to starve
up there.



You have
my sympathy,

but this is
a supermarket,
not a charity.

Just one tin of beans?

You wouldn't miss
a tin of beans.

You've got lots of beans.

You'll put me
out of business,

you and
your brother. Here.

My brother.

His real name is
Herbert Timothy Simple,

but he called himself
Tim Diamond, Inc.

[ chuckles ]
The only ink in the place

was in the pens.

What did you get?

Beans, more bills,

and a Christmas card
from Mum.

A koala
in a Christmas tree?

How do you
want the beans?

How 'bout baked?

There's no gas.

Well, use a candle.

We're out of candles.

Oh, just open 'em,
Nick.

I can't. You pawned
the tin opener.

Herbert, why can't you
get yourself a job?

You don't understand,
Nick.

Jobs just don't come
out of the blue.

No, they come out
of a job center.

You mean a job job?

Well, how much longer
can you just sit here

waiting for someone
to knock on the door?

[ knock on door ]

Tim:
Come in.

Take a seat.

Are you
Tim Diamond?

Yeah.

My name is Naples,

Johnny Naples.

Oh, Italian.

South American.

Diamond, Tim Diamond.

I know it.

How do you know?

You just told me.

All right, let's cut
the introductions.

What can I do
for you, Mr. Navels?

Who is he?

He's just
my kid brother.

You want a cushion?

I want to leave
something with you.

What did you have in mind?

A package...

...this package.

You must
not open it.

Keep it safe for
two or three days.

Then I'll
come back for it.

What's inside it?

That my business.

All right.

Let's talk
about my business.

I'm not cheap,
Mr. Nipples.

You want
a cheap private eye,

you look
in the cemetery.

We're talking
about a flat fee,
plus expenses,

and my expenses...

are expensive.

There's £100.

100?!

I'll give you
another 100 when I
come back for it.

Just make sure you
look after the package.

Guard it with your life,
Mr. Diamond.

It's in safe hands.

[ cup shatters ]

Yeah, I can see that.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- What?

What happens if we need
to get in touch with you?

You don't
get in touch with me.

I get in touch
with you.

You hear it?

I think we ought
to open the package.

No, the package
stays here,

and you open it
over my dead body.

I just hope
nobody else does.

We spent half the money
paying off Mr. Patel.

We blew the rest
on a decent meal
and a movie.

I let Herbert
choose the movie.

Philip,
for short.

Philip Marlowe,

name for a duke.
[ chuckles ]

You're just a nice mug.

I've got a name
for a duchess,

Mrs. Lewin
Lockridge Grayle.

You know too much.

- [ gunshot ]
- [ music playing ]

You don't call me.

I hear it,
so I come up.

I'd like to talk
to Velma now.

It didn't work out
the way I planned,
Moose.

You got
a refund coming.

Moose:
You shouldn't
have killed her.

Marlowe:
Moose.

You shouldn't
have killed Velma.

Moose, listen to me!

[ gunshot ]

Why did Moose Malloy
want to kill
Mrs. Grayle?

Because she turned him in
to the cops.

But that was
Velma Valento.

Mrs. Grayle was
Velma Valento.

Then what about
the stolen necklace?

There was
no stolen necklace.

Marriott went
to the canyon
to kill Marlowe,

but Velma
double-crossed him.

So it was Velma Valento
who strangled
Jessie Florian?

No, that was
Moose Malloy.

Oh, well, I knew
he was up to no good.

I mean,
with a name like Moose.

Herbert.

The package!

Herbert.

They've got
the package.

Herbert.

It's--

Yes.

You took it
to the cinema?

It was in my pocket.

But did you
stop to think
about pickpockets?

Herbert.

Good work, kid.

[ phone rings ]

[ rings ]

[ rings ]

Hello.

- Is that Tim Diamond?
- Yes, it is.

- You like a Turkish bath?
- Yes, I do.

You heard
of the Turkish baths
in Green Street?

Yes. I have.

Be there
at 12:00 tomorrow.

Yes, I will.

You'd better be.

- Yes.
- [ dial tone ]

Who was it?

It was the Fat Man.

Nick:
You're really scared

of this Fat Man,
aren't you?

No, I'm not.

You're sweating.

Of course
I'm sweating.

We're in a Turkish bath.

Why here?

Look, you don't
ask why, Nick.

When the Fat Man
tells you to be somewhere,

you just turn up,
and you're grateful

he didn't kill you
before you arrived.

Lawrence.

That's the Fat Man?

You are Tim Diamond?

Yeah.

I am the Fat Man.

You don't look
so fat to me.

And who are you?

Nick, Nick Diamond.

I'm his brother.

I had
a brother once.

He died of
an unfortunate
affliction.

What was that?

He talked too much.

Hmm?

My doctor advised me

that I needed
to lose weight,

and so he put me
on the "F" plan diet,

which means
that I'm only allowed

to eat on Fridays.

What do you think?

Now, Timothy,

you have something
that I need,

a package.

Last night,
my representatives

looked for it
in your office,

and they were
unable to find it,

and I want it.

How much would
you pay for it?

Nick!

[ laughs ]

You are an amusing boy.

I'm sure the nurses
are going to be glad

to have you
in intensive care.

But what
makes you so sure
we've got it?

You were
visited yesterday

by a small friend
of mine.

He was carrying it
when he went into
your office,

but not
when he came out.

He didn't
leave anything
with us,

- did he?
- Didn't he?

N-no, he didn't.

Right.

Well, let's
play it your way.

If you want to find out

what the bottom
of the Thames looks like

on a dark
winter's night,

that's your affair.

On second thought,
Timothy,

if you do
change your mind,

you can
contact me here.

I'm a patient man.
I can give you, oh,

48 hours.

Thank you, Lawrence.

I want that package.

Do you understand?

I will have it,

and you'd
be most unwise

to stand in my way.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Hello. You must be
Tim Diamond.

- Who are you?
- Charlady.

Charlady?

I saw your ad
in the supermarket window,

"Charlady required."

Oh, the cleaner.

Right. Well,
what's your name?

Charlady.

Elizabeth Charlady.
That's my name,

but you can
call me Betty.

Oh.

That's quite a party
you've had in here,
Mr. Diamond,

but I don't mind.

I like a good
knees-up meself.

Well, I used to,

but these days,
I haven't really
got the knees.

When can
you start?

Whenever suits you,
Mr. D.

I could start
right now if you like.

How 'bout tomorrow?

Oh, tomorrow.

Right you are, then.
9:00, bright and early.

How much do you charge?

Oh, he's quick,
isn't he?

He's a clever boy.
I can see that.

He's lovely.

Here, how'd you
get your--

How much?

Two quid a hour,
and I bring

- me own tea bags.
- Fine.

I'll see you
tomorrow morning, then,

9:00 on the dot.

Lovely.

Ta-ta.

Weird.

It's red.

What is it?

Some sort of box.

Chocolates?

Maltesers.

[ water bubbling ]

I don't get it.

They really
are Maltesers.

What were you expecting?

I don't know.

Look, we've looked
at the box,

and we've looked
at the chocolates.

And they're ordinary
Maltesers, right?

Yeah.

So why does
Johnny Naples

pay us 100 quid
to look after them?

You tell me.

The only answer
is to find the dwarf.

He didn't leave
an address.

No, but he
left us a clue.

Come on.

8p.

That's cheap for
a box of Maltesers.

That's not the price
of the Maltesers.

That's the price
of the envelope.

So what?

Look at the name,
Hammetts.

That must be
the stationer's
where he bought it.

If we can find
the newsagent,

maybe we can get
a lead on the dwarf.

There.

[ girls laugh ]

[ entry bell rings ]

A dwarf, you say?

Sure.
Came in yesterday,

2:17 P.M.

Yes, he was wearing
a camel-hair coat,

a silk suit, a fedora,

smoked some funny
kind of cigarettes,

and had a gold ring
on his left hand.

How do you
remember all that?

"Reader's Digest,"
November issue,

"10 Ways to Improve
Your Memory."

Right.

He bought an envelope
and a pair of scissors.

He could have got
the scissors free
with "Woman's Weekly,"

but I guess he was
in too much of a hurry.

Seemed a nervous
kind of a guy.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And I didn't need
to read the July edition

of "Practical Psychologist"
to tell you that.

Kept looking
over his shoulder,

as if he was being followed
or something.

Hey, are you really
a private eye?

That's right.

Only, I got
the November issue
of "True Detective" in.

No, thanks.

"Police Journal."

No. Look--

This fella
you're looking for,

you'll find him
in the hotel at the end
of the road,

Hotel Splendide.

- Uh-huh.
- How do you know that?

Well, the owner buys
his magazines here.

[ whimpering ]

[ belches ]

[ bell rings ]

Leave this to me.

You Jack Splendide?

Who wants to know?

Name's Diamond.

I'm a private eye.

You don't say.

We're looking for
a guy who's staying here,

a small guy.
His name is Johnny Naples.

He owes a client of ours
a lot of bread.

That's right,
and if we find him,

we'll cut you in
for a slice.

25.

Room 25.

25%.

Room 39.

Do you think this
is a good idea?

Have you got
a better one?

We could go home.

Come on.

[ thumping ]

No. [ grunting ]

[ object clatters ]

- [ gunshot ]
- [ groans ]

Herbert!

Oh, no.

[ footsteps clanking ]

[ dog barking ]

[ groans ]

The Falcon.

The sun.

[ gasps ]

Nick.

[ dog barking ]

Hold it
right there.

You're under arrest.

[ sirens blaring ]

[ onlookers chattering ]

Evening, sir.
Sorry to drag you out
on such an awful night.

Hold it.

Is this the body?

No, sir.
That's the detective.

He fainted.
[ chuckles ]

Ah, God.

What should we do
with him, sir?

Why, make him a nice
strong cup of tea,

and then nick him.

Right.

And who are you?

I'm his brother, Nick.

Nick him as well.

Herbert Timothy Simple.

[ laughs ] What's this
you're calling yourself?

Tim Diamond,
private eye.

[ laughs ]

Pull the other one.

Hello,
Inspector Snape.

Chief Inspector,
no thanks to you.

Do you
want me to...

Not yet, Boyle.

Now, and this must be
your little brother.

Yeah.

Bad luck, old son.
Bad luck.

How 'bout him, sir?

Relax, Boyle.

So, Police
Constable Simple...

...who couldn't even
direct traffic

without causing
a multiple pileup,

now private detective
Diamond,

what have you got
to say for yourself?

I didn't shoot him.

Oh, I know that.
That much I guessed.

You never were
much of a shot,

were you,
P.C. Simple?

After all,
when we sent you
for weapons training,

you managed to shoot
the instructor.

Now, what I want
to know is

if you didn't go there
to kill Naples,

what did you
go there for?

He was my client.

Oh, he needed
a private eye?

What for?

That's private.

Do you know
who you're
talking to, sonny?

We were introduced.

That's
the chief inspector.

Then why doesn't he go
and inspect some chiefs

and leave us alone?

That'll do.
All right, Boyle.

But, sir--

He's underage.

Is he always
like that,

or has it been
a full moon?

Not now, Boyle.

I won't
hurt him, sir.

That's what
you always say.

Well, I just
wanted to show him

a little bit of respect,
that's all.

Just relax, Boyle.

You want to watch
yourself, sonny boy.

Boyle here is really
into police brutality.

You don't want
to upset him now, do you?

All right.

We'll tell you
everything we know.

Will we?

Sure,

once he's told us
what he knows.

How do I know
you know anything?

How do you know
we don't?

C.I. Snape:
This is Henry
von Falkenberg,

also known
as the Falcon.

He was
an international crook,

a money-man,

the finance
behind just about

every major crime
in the Western world.

You said, "Was"?

Next slide, Boyle.

This is the bus
that ran him over.

It happened in Bolivia.

He was going to the airport
on his way back to London.

Bolivia!

Johnny Naples.

Naples was
a Bolivian hood,

strictly small-time,
of course,

but he had dealings
with the Falcon,

and he was there when
the accident occurred.

That was his lucky break.

He heard the Falcon's
last words.

What were they?

If we knew that,

we wouldn't be talking
to you, would we?

Next slide, Boyle.

Nick:
The Fat Man.

C.I. Snape:
You know him?

We've met.

The whisper is
that the Falcon

was going
to lend the Fat Man
a great deal of money.

We believe he was
carrying it with him
when he was knocked down.

And Naples
took it?

Not the money,

but the key
to the money.

You mean,
like a checkbook?

[ laughs ]

Ah, the Falcon
didn't trust banks.

He had his own stash
hidden somewhere
in London

in a strongbox
or some sort of a vault.

We don't know
where it is,

but we do know
what's meant to be
inside it.

3/4 of a million
pounds in uncut
diamonds.

So the Falcon
must have

told Johnny Naples
where they were.

the Falcon must have
blurted something out,

enough to make Naples
get on the first flight
to England.

And he wasn't alone.

C.I. Snape:
This is William Gott

and Eric Himmell.

They were the Falcon's
right-hand men.

Educated at Eton,

expelled for
suspected manslaughter,

Gott and Himmell
are masters of disguise.

They're here now,
and they're deadly.

Boyle.

This is
Brenda von Falkenberg.

She was a famous actress

before she married
the Falcon.

Cute.

About as cute
as a tarantula.

If she's
after the diamonds,

you'd better
watch your back.

Okay, so now
you know.

So now you tell us
what you know.

You were
right first time,
Chief Inspector.

We don't
know anything.

You expect me
to believe that?

Why not?
It's the truth.

I'll get the truth, sir.

Just five minutes
with him alone.

No, Boyle.

I won't break anything.
Well...

not so that it shows.

- No.
- No?

He's more use to me
in one piece.

Don't suppose you've
got anything to add.

I'm with him.

Yes.

Okay, you two,
you can go.
You're free.

Free?

Yeah, just like
Johnny Naples was.

There's a lot
of very nasty people

waiting to talk
to you out there.

It'll be
interesting to see

just which one
of them gets
to you first.

[ both laugh ]

[ sighs ]
Hey, look, Nick,

this case is
getting dangerous,

and I reckon, well,
maybe it's time
you backed off.

- What?!
- Well, sooner or later,

someone's going
to get hurt.

You mean
like Johnny Naples?

Right, and you don't
get more hurt than that.

What are you saying,
Herbert?

Tim! It's Tim Diamond.

- [ sawing ]
- Nick: Okay,

what's Tim Diamond
going to do next?

Next?

Just out of interest.

Oh, ta, love.

Well...

what would you do?

Just out of interest.

I'd find out
where Johnny Naples went
before he got killed.

Why?

Maybe he talked
to someone

who knows what
the Maltesers mean.

Yeah.
Where would you start?

Right here.

The Casablanca Club?

I found them
in his hotel room.

Members only.

Oh, you don't want
to join one of those
places, Mr. Diamond.

Dens of iniquity,
that's what
they are.

It's part
of my investigation.

Oh. Oh,
it is exciting.

I've never cleaned
for a private
detective before.

I once cleaned
for a criminal,

but it wasn't
the same.

He stole
all my dusters,
for a start.

Betty.

All right, Mr. D,

I'll go and see
to the bedrooms,

leave you in peace.

Nick:
I wonder if Johnny Naples
was a member.

Tim:
He's dead.

Yeah, we know that,

but they won't.

Nick:
It's this way.

[ overlapping chatter ]

This'll never work,
you know.

Man:
What you
looking for, boys?

Hi there,
young man.
[ laughs ]

[ glass shatters ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

Good evening,
Mr. Naples.

And who are you?

I'm a chauffeur.

Mr. Naples
ain't got no car.

I know that,
but don't tell him,

or I'll be
out of a job.

Nick:
Getting in was no problem,

but what would have
brought Johnny Naples

to a dive like this?

Of all the bars
in all the world,

why had he walked
into this one?

Good evening,
Johnny.

Buenas noches.

Show Mr. Naples
to his usual chair.

Yes, sir.

Man:
Thank you.

- [ applause ]
- Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed.

Champagne, sir?
It's on the house.

...Casablanca Club's own
Lauren Bacardi.

[ piano playing ]

♪ Who needs a guy

♪ With a twinkle
in his eye? ♪

♪ I don't want to meet
the perfect man ♪

♪ I don't look
for the physique ♪

♪ That makes
a woman weak ♪

♪ I tell you, honey

♪ I don't give a damn

♪ Just so long
as he has got ♪

♪ A Mercedes

♪ And a yacht

♪ I don't care
if he's only 5'3" ♪

Nick:
So Johnny had
a girlfriend.

♪ He's my little guy

♪ He may be pint-size

♪ But he's
the right size for me ♪

She was a woman
and a half,

and even the half
was going to be
too much for me.

♪ If he's only 5'3"

Here, well,
what do you think
you're doing?

Shh.

♪ He's my little guy

♪ He may be pint-size

♪ But he's
the right size for me ♪

♪ Small fry

♪ Now, the perfect guy

♪ I don't care

♪ If he's only 5'3".

[ applause ]

[ overlapping chatter ]

Hey, wait a minute.
This isn't Johnny.

Who are you guys?

Ms. Bacardi,
we can explain.

Where's Johnny?

- Break it to her gently.
- All right.

He's dead.

[ piano playing ]

So the little runt
went and got himself killed.

Lauren:
I knew it was
too good to be true.

When things start
going right for me,

that's when I look
over my shoulder.

How did you know him?

You some sort
of private eye?

Yeah. How did
you know?

I can smell it.

We were pen pals,

sort of fell in love
in the post.

10 years,
we wrote to each other.

Finally agreed
to marry him.

Did he have a package,
a box?

[ chuckles ]
Maltesers? Sure.

He never
went anywhere without
his precious Maltesers.

Was some sort
of secret about 'em,

something he'd heard.

Trouble was
he hadn't heard enough.

Said there was
a fortune tied up
in those damn Maltesers,

but he couldn't
work out how.

I thought he was making
the whole thing up.

You believe him now?

He's dead,
isn't he?

Must have been
on the level

for someone to want
to wipe him out.

Just my luck,

the day after he
finally figures it out.

He found
the diamonds?

Diamonds?

No, he didn't find
any diamonds,

but he did find
the answer.

I know, because I was
with him at the time.

Where were you, exactly?

Ms. Bacardi.

Yes?

Special delivery
for you, Ms. Bacardi.

For me?

I'm afraid I will
have to ask for you
to sign for them.

Sure.

But I've left
my delivery book
at the door.

I'll talk to you
in a moment.

Since when did you
have to sign for
a bunch of flowers?

I don't know.

Nobody ever
sent me flowers.

[ chuckles ]
Typical German
bureaucracy.

German!

Oh!

Sorry.

Lauren:
Help! Let me go!

- [ muffled yelling ]
- [ banging ]

Hey! Stop!

Nick!

[ muffled ]
Let me out,
you...

[ muffled grunting ]

That brat is
on the back.

[ yells ]

[ groans ]

Nick?

[ groans ]

Nice day
for a funeral, eh?

Very funny.

Where's Betty?

She couldn't come.
A death in the family.

And I wasn't joking
about that funeral.

Here. Read this.

You read it to me.

They're burying
the Falcon.

"Henry von Falkenberg.

Born in Camden,
died in Bolivia,

was flown home today

to be buried
back in his roots."

The Camden Cemetery.

Yeah, that's only
two minutes away from here.

That's quite a coincidence.

You think so?

- [ organ playing ]
- [ bell tolling ]

Man:
What can I say about
Henry von Falkenberg?

He was not a good man,

but does the Bible not say

that, "He who is without
sin amongst you,

cast the first stone"?

Now that he is
about to find
his final resting place,

perhaps we can find it
in our hearts to forgive.

Nick:
We weren't the only ones

who'd come to see
the Falcon buried.

That had to be
Brenda von Falkenberg,

the black widow.

Pastor:
We can, as Christians...

But who was the old guy
propping up the gravestone?

A friend of the Falcon's?

Then there was the Fat Man
and his chauffer.

They were up to something,
but what?

Aye,
the Simple brothers.

Still playing
at private
detectives?

Just following
a lead,

Chief Inspector.

The only lead
that you could follow

is the sort that
comes with a collar.

You recognize 'em?

Nick:
Yeah, except the guy
with the terminal cough.

He's the Professor.

Did he know the Falcon?

He was the Falcon's
technical advisor,

his pet scientist.

They say he invented
computer fraud

three years before
they invented
the computer.

Brilliant, but harmless.

C.I. Snape:
I thought the booze
had got him years ago.

So what's
he doing here?

I was about
to ask you the same.

Let me ask him.

Not here, Boyle.

Well, we'll catch up
with you later.

Boyle.

What more can we say
about Henry? Indeed,

he was not a good man.

He was not a kind man...

...but now that he is
a dead man,

let us hope that he has
finally atoned for his sins.

Are you Tim Diamond?

Yeah.

I must speak to you.

But not here.

Come to my house
tomorrow at 1:00.

Hmm. Classy.

You really think so?

You're too young
to know.

Nick, look.

In a hurry?

Hello,
Mr. Fat Man.

Do you like funerals?

I was thinking
of arranging one, yours.

I'm too young
to die.

I wouldn't bet on it.

I gave you 48 hours
to find me something.

48 hours have passed,
but I have it not.

Well, we're working
on it, Mr. Fat Man,
honestly.

Your time has run out.

[ gunshot ]

Come on.

Who is it?

It's Lawrence,

the Fat Man's chauffer.

He must have
got through
the bathroom...

- Nick.
- ...window.

Oh, no.

Just hold it
right there.

You're under arrest.

[ siren blaring ]

Maybe I'm not cut out

to be a private detective
after all.

What makes you
think that?

Well, I'm wanted
for two murders,

the Fat Man
wants to kill me,

my client is dead,

my office
has been torn apart,

and I haven't actually

been able
to detect anything.

I'll tell Snape
everything.

He can have
the rotten Maltesers.

You'll what?

We got to give 'em
to him, Nick.

3/4 of a million
pounds worth
of diamonds,

and you want
to give them away?

I might get sent
to prison.

You're already
in prison.

They had nothing on me,
so they let me go,

but they kept Herbert
for further questioning.

That suited me.

I had some questions
of my own,

starting with
Brenda von Falkenberg.

Whoever said crime
doesn't pay

should have seen
the Falcon's place.

[ carriage rattling ]

Thanks.

Yes?

Remember me?

Come in.

What happened
to your brother?

He got held up.

How did you know
he was my brother?

The same eyes.

Come through.

I want the Maltesers.

Well, what makes you
so sure I've got them?

Fido.

Fido.

Nick:
Fido?

Nice swimming pool.

[ yelps ]

That's Fido?

Don't worry.

He's very fond
of strangers.

Yeah, cooked or raw?

- [ gasps ]
- The Maltesers.

They belonged
to my husband.

The dwarf stole them.
I want them.

I've never been
threatened with
an alligator before.

He's my pet.

Have you ever thought
about pussycats?

- The Maltesers.
- I don't have them.

I don't.

Tim has them.

And where is he?

He's helping the police
with their inquiries.

[ tray clatters ]

[ laughs ]

I like you, Nicholas.

You're not afraid.

How could a box
of chocolates

be worth
3/4 of a million pounds?

Brenda von Falkenberg,
the Fat Man,

and Johnny Naples all
seemed to know the answer,

and I had it
right in my hands,

and I still
couldn't work it out.

Yeah?

[ coughs ]

[ panting ]

It's good to sit down,
so it is.

It's a long way up.

How many floors is it?

One.

Only one?

But it's
a lot of steps.

You wouldn't have
a little drop

of something,
would you?

A restorative?

No problem.

I have my own.

So you're
the Professor.

I came to see
Tim Diamond.

He's not here.

So I see.

I don't see much,

but I can see that.

I'll come straight
to the point, sir,

50-50, half for you

and half for me.

- The cigarette?
- [ coughs ]

[ chortles ]

That's quite a sense
of humor you've
got there, sir,

quite a sense
of humor.

But you see, I know
you've got it.

Indeed, I do.

A little box,
would it be,

a little red box?

Yes.

I designed it,
you see,

and I know
what it's for.

And what would
that be, Professor?

[ laughs ]
Oh, no, no.

No, no, that would
be too easy.

You're very bright,
sir, very tricksy.

I congratulate you,
really, I do.

So what do you
have in mind?

You give them to me
and wait here,

wait one hour,
and I'll come back
with the money.

Half for you,
half for me.

On my word.

All right.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

You won't regret it.

Just one hour.

In one hour, the Professor

would probably be
on a flight out
of the country,

but he wouldn't get far,

not with the box
I'd given him.

Nick:
Where am I?

What do you want
with me?

We just
thought we would
invite you to tea.

Sit down.

I do hope you like
fairy cakes.

I made them.

You're too kind.

[ speaking German ]

Salmon and cucumber,

and these
little ones here are
prawn and cream cheese.

Danke.

Bitte.

Bitte.

Yeah,
it certainly is.

Who plays the piano?

It's Eric's,
very fine instrument.

19th century.

Perhaps you would
like to hear something?

Sure.

How about, "Good-bye,
it was nice meeting you"?

I don't think so.

Eric.

[ playing piano ]

Now if
you're comfortable,

I'm afraid we have
a number of questions
we must put to you.

Yeah, I was
rather afraid of that.

It will be
quite painless,
I assure you.

Unless of course
you decide not to sing.

Hold on.

I haven't even
picked up the tune.

You have the Maltesers?

Not exactly.

Ah.

Did you search the flat?

Gott:
Of course.

Well, everyone else has.

Willie and I broke
into your office
during the funeral.

We were
surprised there

by a gentleman
in a chauffeur's
costume.

That was Lawrence.

We would have
been quite happy

to have come
to some sort
of arrangement,

but he was
very uncooperative.

In fact, he said some
very hurtful things,

so we shot him.

Nice fairy cake.

So where are they?

Uh...

well, we put them
in Saint Pancras
Station,

the left
luggage lockers,

but the trouble is
Tim's got the key.

Do you know
the number?

What if I don't?

Then we have
no further use
for you.

It's 180.

180?

Einhunderhtachtzig.

Yeah, "Einhunderhtachtzig."

Thank you.

Well, if that's all
you wanted
to know...

I'm afraid not.

- Eric, the cord.
- [ plays chord ]

Nein! Die seil!

Ah.

All I can say is

if this is what
they taught you
at Eton,

I'm glad I went to
a comprehensive school.

So you're the kid
who came round
to the Casablanca Club.

Yeah,

Nick Diamond.

Well, thanks a lot, Nick.

I was enjoying my life
until you came along.

Hey, wait a minute.

It wasn't me
who led 'em to you.

Oh, yeah?

Then who was it?

That's
a good question,

and I've got
another one.

What is it?

Those two clowns
aren't going to find

anything at
Saint Pancras Station,

so what are they
going to do to me
when they get back?

P.A.:
Local service to Bedford.

[ P.A. announcements
continue ]

...platform number three.

Platform number three,

local service to Bedford.

You're going
to hurt yourself.

That's all right.

It'll save them
the trouble.

Secret is to relax.

- Relax?
- Yeah.

And muscle contraction.

Like this.

How did you do that?

Easy. Before I
became a singer,

I worked as an assistant
to an escapologist...

...Harry Blondini.

- You ever see him?
- No.

Only guy I ever knew

who took his showers
hanging upside down.

He taught me
some of his tricks.

It's easy
when you know how.

So why didn't you
escape before?

Wasn't any point.

Door's locked
and bolted from outside.

We're five stories up.

Anyway...

I'd never get
through those bars.

[ P.A. announcements
continue ]

[ speaking German ]

Oh, look at that,
Uncle.

Hey, get out
of the way.

Look at this.
Look at this.

It'll never work.

Why don't you
just get a move on
and do it, honey?

I got it!

Then do it.

[ shrieks ] Oh, no!

[ yelling ]

Look out! Uhh!

Right.

[ yells ]

What took you
so long?

[ horn honking ]

Oh, God! Oh!

Let's get
out of here.

[ honking continues ]

Too late.

The piano.

The what?

Don't you think
you're going just
a little too far?

Just as far
as the window.

[ piano strings twang ]

You know, I never
thought I'd have my life

saved for me
by a 13-year-old.

Here's to you, kid.

[ ballad playing ]

I played this
the night I met Harry.

- The escapologist?
- Yeah.

Only man
I ever loved...

♪ You're a man

♪ I'm not a queen

♪ I'm a woman

- [ meows ]
- ♪ Take my hand

♪ We'll make a space

♪ In the lives...

Do me a favor, kid.
Pass me a cigarette.

♪ And here we'll stay

♪ Until it's time

- ♪ For you to go
- These Johnny's?

Mm.

Smoked them
all the time.

- What's this?
- What?

"Digital
photodetector.

Light emitting
diode."

He probably wrote them down

'cause he didn't know
what they meant.

He often did that.

Do you know
what they mean?

No.

We were going
to be married,

Harry Blondini and me.

The last minute,
he walked out on me,

ran away
with a snake charmer.

What did she have
that I didn't?

I turned to singing
after that.

20 years of
the same old songs,

and do you know,
in all that time,

I've only met
two decent people?

Johnny Naples...

and you.

All I ever wanted
was a place of my own,

maybe in the south
of France.

I don't ever
see the sun.

I live in a basement.
I work underground.

When they
finally bury me,

I'll be going up
in the world.

♪ This love of mine

♪ Had no beginning

♪ It has no end...

I'm going to bed.

♪ I was an oak

♪ Now I'm a willow

♪ Now I can bend

You'll be okay
on the couch?

- Sure.
- ♪ And though I'll never

♪ In my life
see you again... ♪

You need anything?

No, I'll be all right.

Sure, you will.

Some people
always are.

♪ ...for you to go.

[ bells ringing ]

[ tambourines,
drums playing ]

It was here.

He wanted to buy me
some chocolates,

soft centers, he said,

like me.

And he just
sort of froze,

as if he'd
seen something.

Nick:
Yeah, but what?

- [ beep ]
- [ register grinds ]

Nick.

You told them
you'd been here?

- I had to.
- Come on.

- This way!
- This way.

- No, this way.
- Meet you at the bus stop.

Hey,
you take Bacardi.
I'll get the boy.

Excuse me.
Sorry.

Do you mind?

Out of my way.

Out of my way, you--

What do you think
you're doing? Oh!

Woman:
Wasn't it Moose Malloy
who killed Marriott?

Second woman:
No, it was Velma Valento
who killed him.

Oh, but how
did Marriott know--

- You brat!
- [ bullet zings ]

[ both gasping ]

Out of my way,
you--

[ man mutters ]

Woman: Hooligan.

Gott: Hold it.

Just spoiling it
for everybody else.

- [ gasps ]
- [ girl screams ]

Man:
Little bump here.

Excuse me.

What? Stop it.

Girl:
Granddad! Granddad!

[ gasping ]

[ children scream ]

[ groans ]

Ho ho ho.

And what
have we here?

- [ silenced gunshot ]
- Oh!

[ air hissing ]

What of this one?

You want it
or the panda?

Effective
at over 30 feet,

the safety catch is here.

The price on this
is £159.99, sir.

[ glass shatters ]

[ bullet pings ]

[ bears squeaking ]

- Does the job.
- [ squeaking continues ]

Oh, no.

No, you don't.
Not this time,
sonny boy.

Lauren:
Hold tight.

I thought
we'd never make it.

Fares, please.

1 1/2
to Belsize Park.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Belsize Park?
- Fares, please.

- Herbert.
- Yes, madam. Thank you.

I don't believe it.

You mean he tried
to kill Uncle Holly?

He was trying
to kill me.

Yeah, but you're
not fat and loveable.

Thanks, Herbert.

You haven't
told them anything?

I haven't seen them.

They're letting me
sweat it out.

You don't know
what it's like
in here, Nick,

the solitude,

terrible,
endless solitude.

It's only been
two days, Herbert.

It's all right for you.

You're out there
enjoying yourself

while I'm the one
who's stuck behind bars.

Sure.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

What did you
just say?

I just said, "What?"

- No, before that.
- When?

You said it.
You're brilliant.

Sure, I am.

But why?
What did I say?

"Behind bars."

Bars?

Bar codes.

Bar codes.

Bar codes are
digital information.

Information
about what?

About the product,
who makes it,
how much it costs,

all that
sort of thing.

So that's what
Johnny saw in Selfridges?

It has to be.

How does
it work?

Come. I'll show you.

Thank you very much.
There you are.

It's all done
by lasers, you see.

This is called
a light emitting diode.

See this
shining light here?

It bounces off
the white lines
on the product,

creating
a series of signals

rather like
Morse code,

black, white,
black, white,
black, white.

Can we run our Maltesers
through this?

If you want to.

You left them
out the back.

I'll get them.

It's not
new technology,

but I had to save
for many years
to get it.

And it'll be able
to read my bar code?

No problem.

Here you are.

I shall
show you.

The pen.

The bar code.

[ beeping ]

Oh!

Come along!
There's nothing
to be seen!

Get out!
Get out!
Lock the door!

You all right, Uncle?
What happened?

You sure
you won't come up?

- No.
- [ siren passing ]

I want
to get home while
it's still light.

See you, kid.

Sure.

Look, what I said
last night,

I want you to know
I meant it.

You're a nice kid.

You deserve the best.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're talking like
we're never going
to see each other again.

I am?

Sure.

Forget it.

I just stood there and
let her walk away from me.

That was my first mistake.

Then I went
up to the office.

That was my second.

Are you Nick Diamond?

No, I'm not
Nick Diamond!

I don't even
look like him.

- I'm...
- Yeah?

I'm
the delivery boy.

What are you delivering?

I'm delivering
singing telegrams.

That's it.
I'm a singing telegram.

Ahem!

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish...

[ laughing ]

[ all laughing ]

[ whistling "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" ]

We wish you
a merry Christmas.

[ laughs ]

♪ My radio and television

♪ Say that you're better
if you're thin ♪

♪ Hah, hah

♪ But in the end,
it's my decision ♪

♪ I'd really hate it
if I looked like them ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the

♪ Fat man in me

♪ Born to be me

♪ Fat man in me

♪ Big, mean, heavy

♪ So heed my warning
and keep out of my way ♪

♪ I'm getting even
and it starts today ♪

♪ What you looking at?

♪ What you looking at?

Hello, Fat Man.

Get him ready.

In.

No, thanks.

I've already
had a bath today.

Just do it, kid.

It's wet!

Don't worry, kid.

It's quick-drying.
[ laughs ]

You're crazy,
Fat Man.

And you, my friend,
are a fool.

I gave you 48 hours
to find me something,

and find it,
you did not.

I already
have the answer,

the key to 3/4
of a million pounds.

Okay, so you've
got the key,

but you still don't
know what it opens.

True,

but I shall know soon.

[ boat horns honking ]

Professor.

You played a trick
on me, sir, a trick.

You gave me
the wrong box.

And so the Professor
came to me,

a wise decision,

very wise.

It was the Professor

who invented
the bar code.

You see, the Falcon
needed a key,

and this was
the perfect answer.

And soon the Professor
will show me

what it opens,
and then--

And then
he'll be joining me

at the bottom
of the Thames.

No, sir, no.

It's half each.

I have the word
of a gentleman.

Throw him in.

Some gentleman.

This is the police!

Drop that bath,
and stay where you are!

We have the place
surrounded!

- [ gunfire ]
- Watch it!

This way, Professor!

Come on,
let's go.

This way!

[ yells ]

Help me!
I can't swim!

Put down
your weapons,

- and--
- [ bullet pings ]

[ groans ]

Sir, the car.

[ police radio chatter ]

Hey, wait a minute!

[ clears throat ]

We came here to
rescue him, Boyle.

Go and see if you
can find a chisel.

We were watching
your flat,
lucky for you.

Why?

We wanted to see
who would turn up,

and then
when that lot
led you out,

we followed you,
and the rest
you know.

No, I want
the Maltesers.

So he told you.

Your big brother
sang like a canary.

Well, Herbert
and canaries have
a lot in common.

Where are they?

The Fat Man
took them.

I'm not lying, Snape.

Arrest the Fat Man,
and you'll get
the Maltesers.

We're too late.

The Fat Man's
probably halfway
to South America by now.

Hey, look, Inspector,

I'm finished for tonight.

I just want a hot bath
and bed, okay?

All right, son,

but I've still
got a few questions
I want to ask you.

Sure.

Try and get some sleep.

Yeah. Good night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let Boyle bite.

Hey, when are you going
to let Herbert out?

It's all--
it's all right, son.

I've radioed
from the car.

He'll be
on his way over now.

As I washed the concrete
from between my toes,

I thought back to how
the whole thing had begun.

You must not open it.

You just keep it safe
for two or three days.

Then I come back for it.

But the dwarf
had never made it back.

The Falcon.

The sun.

Where'd Naples
been going

the day he came
to see us?

He bought an envelope
and a pair of scissors.

Nick:
Camden Cemetery.

And it's only
two minutes
away from here.

Quite a coincidence.

He needed the scissors
to cut out the bar code,

but why the cemetery?

Patel:
You see this
shining light here?

This bounces off
the white lines
on the product.

[ telephone ringing ]

Yes?

[ muffled grunts ]

We have your brother.

So what, Gott?

I want the Maltesers.

And what if
I don't play along?

We send you
your brother

one piece
at a time.

[ muffled grunts ]

Okay, I'll save you
the postage.

Be at the cemetery

at 10:30
tomorrow morning.

I'll bring
the Maltesers.

You bring Tim.

No tricks, Diamond.

Just be there.

I'd managed to work it
all out in the bath,

but how could I get
the Maltesers back?

Then I remembered.

Hello. Hello!

Hello. I need to get
a message to the Fat Man.

And who should I say
is speaking?

Tell him
it's Nick Diamond.

Tell him I know
what the key opens

and I'm willing
to do a deal.

Deal?
What sort of deal?

I'll be
at the Falcon's grave

tomorrow morning
at 10:30.

Tell him to bring
the Maltesers,

but no tricks.

I just want the Fat Man,
nobody else.

I do hope that
you're not wasting
my time, my boy.

You must know
by now

that I don't
take kindly--

Where are
the Maltesers,
Fat Man?

Now,
where's the deal?

I thought the deal was
going to be with us.

You okay, Herbert?

It's Tim,
Tim Diamond.

Why don't you
ever get it right?

I'm sorry.

All right,
what is this?

If this little
[ speaking German]
is trying to trick us...

Relax. I promised you
the Maltesers

in exchange for Tim.
There they are.

And I promised you
I'd tell you
their secret.

If you'll let me,
I will.

Go ahead.

But it had
better be good.

Oh, it's very good,

but then the Professor
was very smart.

He built
the Falcon the ultimate
safety-deposit box.

The key was on a box
of Maltesers.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Nobody would ever
look for it.

Nobody would
ever know.

So much for the key,

but what about the lock
that it opened?

You're looking at it.

"The shining light"
refers to a light beam
of some sort.

That ought
to be a laser.

You run your bar code
through here...

[ whirring ]

...and provided you've
got the right bar code...

My God.

There you have it,
the Falcon's diamonds.

the Fat Man:
My diamonds.

- Gott: Our diamonds.
- Himmell: Our diamonds.

Now this is
the interesting bit,

who gets
to shoot who.

I just want
to shoot you.

Nick:
And let the Fat Man
get a shot at you?

I'll take care
of the Fat Man.

Not before
I take care of you.

But why does anyone
have to take care
of anyone?

[ guns firing ]

[ gasps ]

Nobody's hit you, Tim.

Haven't they?

Oh, my God.

What...

Nick...

Hello, Mr. Nicholas.

Whatcha,
Mr. Timothy?

Blimey,
what a turnup,
isn't it?

Betty Charlady?

Yes, Betty Charlady,

but that's not
her real name.

You guessed?

Well, there wasn't
anyone else left.

I know who she is.

She's-- she's...

She's Brenda
von Falkenberg.

May I?

Be my guest.

Gott and Himmell
had to be working
for somebody.

How did they know
we were going

to the Casablanca Club
that night?

Somebody
had to tell them.

Betty did.

But how did you know
that Betty
was Brenda

or Brenda
was Betty?

When I went
to see Brenda,

she knew my name
without my telling her.

She also knew
we were brothers.

That meant she knew us,

so I put two
and two together,

and it made one person.

You're very clever,
Nicholas.

Maybe, but there's still
one thing I don't get.

Why did you
kill Johnny Naples
in the first place?

It was an accident.

I'd always meant
to double-cross

Eric and William.
Of course I had.

They found the dwarf
for me.

Then, without
telling them,
I went to see him,

slipped in the back way,
up the fire escape.

- What happened?
- We argued,

and he pulled
a gun on me.

There was a fight.

Somehow,
the gun went off.

I'm
completely lost.

Don't worry. I'll explain
it all again later.

Later?

[ laughs ]

I'm sorry, boys,
really I am,

but there can't be
any witnesses.

You must see that.

Nobody leaves
this cemetery alive.

When did they ever?

Cheerio,
Mr. Nicholas.

Ta-ta, Mr. Timothy.

- Oh, no.
- I don't think so, Betty.

[ grass rustling ]

That's
a lucky coincidence.

What do you mean,
a coincidence?

I called them
last night.

Tim:
You called them?

I wasn't going to walk
into this alone.

Thank you.

- [ yells ]
- Boyle!

[ overlapping chatter ]

- Got the wagon?
- Here.

You okay, lad?

Sure.

Good. Come on, then.

Let's have a look
at these diamonds.

[ band playing "God Rest
You Merry, Gentlemen" ]

It was Lauren Bacardi,
of course.

She'd taken them.

I'd known it
in the cemetery

the moment
I'd seen the empty tray.

Nick Diamond.

Back in the supermarket...

- Sign here.
- ...we'd left the Maltesers

sitting right next
to a photocopier,

and she went out
to Mr. Patel's office,

she copied the bar code.

It would work
just like the original.

[ band continues ]

After everything
I'd done for her,

she'd run out
and left me with nothing.

Another postcard
from Mum,

more bills,
and a package.

It's for you

from the south
of France.

How do
you know?

The postmark.

That's brilliant,
Herbert.

Well, I am a detective.

[ band playing "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" ]

"No hard feelings?"

Question mark?

Who's L.B.?

What is it?

What does it
look like?

So she finally
got her place
in the sun.

It's a...

Yeah,
it's a diamond.

So we're rich.

[ ornaments clatter ]

Yeah, we're rich-ish.

Let's go out tonight.
Let's celebrate.

Dinner and a movie.

What movie?

They're showing
"Farewell, My Lovely"

down at the Roxy.

But we've
already seen it.

I know,

but there's
one bit I didn't
quite understand.

What bit was that?

Well, it's when
Marlowe goes to see
Jessie Florian.

Yeah.

Why doesn't she tell him
about Mrs. Grayle?

Because
she doesn't know
about Mrs. Grayle.

Then why did Velma
have to kill her?

But Velma
didn't kill her.

That was Moose Malloy.

You mean
Moose Malloy
killed Velma?

No, I mean Moose Malloy
killed Mrs. Grayle.

Then who was
Black Jack?

Blackjack was
the weapon she used.

[ theme music playing ]

♪ Just ask for Diamond

♪ Just ask for Diamond.