Diamonds (1999) - full transcript

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

[ Announcer ]
It's been a long,
hard climb to the top.

30,000 spectators
have jammed into
the Las Vegas Arena...

to see the champion,
Harry Agensky,
the Polish Prince,

defend his title.

He came to this country in 1927
at the age of 11,

and he's been fighting
ever since.
[ Bell Dings ]

But tonight, he's in
for the fight of his life.

Nobody has
taken more punishment.

Nobody has
overcome more adversity.



From the depths of poverty
to champion of the world.

This really
is the American dream.

[ Cheering Fades ]

[ Boy ] I hope Grandpa's
in good enough shape
to go to Banff.

[ Man ]
Are you kidding ?
He could be comatose.

Even if he was in a coma,
he'd figure out some way
to come on this trip.

[ Boy Chuckles ]

You got a light
or something ?
Yeah, right there.

Hey ! Where'd
you get that ?
Cigarette fairy, man.

What the hell ?
I hope you're proud
of yourself !

I've never seen you
with one of those !

Mom's boyfriend
lets me smoke, Dad.
Sam ? Sam's a pothead.

Ex-pothead.

His parole officer
has him speaking
at high schools now.



I'm sure he's
a great role model.

Mom says he's twice the man
you ever were. [ Scoffs ]

Now, if you've got something
on your mind, come out
with it and say it.

Fine. Fine.
I'm not moving in with you
after Mom's wedding, okay ?

There.

It's up to you.

You're right,
it's up to me.

It's up to you.

Aunt Roseanne !
Uncle Moses !

[ Moses ]
Hey, there he is !
Hey !

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, man, this is phat !

Michael, you made it.
Yeah.

Hey, man.
Hey !

Boy, look at this kid.
How'd you get so big ?
What ?

I had nothin' better
to do, man.
I know who you wanna see.

Hello, Lance.
Nice to see ya !

Huh-uh, no need
to be sarcastic.

Well, it's nice
to see you too.
Yeah.

So, shithead.
Hey !

Now it's time
for some tongue stretching.
** [ Instrumental ]

Open your mouth as wide
as you comfortably can...

and stick your tongue
straight out,

keeping it very still,
to the count of four.

Then bring it back in
and let it rest.

We'll do eight
of this exercise.

** [ Continues ]

So far you're
doing just fine.

Grandpa ?

Hey !
[ Chuckling ]

[ Speaking Polish,
Slurred ]
[ Polish ]

Ah !

Keep studying
your Polish.
Okay.

Bev, this is Mikey.

She's cute.
Mind if I have her number ?
Hey. Lay off my gal.

Yes, sir.

Bev, I've got company.

** [ Ends ]
See you later.

Grandpa, are you okay ?

You know, Mikey,
a stroke is God's way...

of trying to make me
shut up.

But it didn't work.
[ Chuckling ]

Does it hurt ?

Frustrated.

See, my thoughts
are out there,

but my words
are crawling behind.

But Bev helps me.

"A," "B," "C," "D,"

"E," "F," "G,"
"H," "I," "J"--

Grandpa, what is this ?
"The skunk sat on a stump.

The skunk thump the--
thunk the stump stunk" ?
Tongue twisters.

- Just exercises.
- But you're gonna
be okay, right ?

You know, Mikey,
the older I get,

the better it was.

Hmm. Hah !
[ Chuckling ]

[ People Shouting ]

I know why you're
really here, Lance.

It won't work.
What are you
talking about ?

You wanna make peace with Pa
and by some miracle get him
to say he loves you.

You talk like
we're gonna elope
or something.

Pa showed it to me
in your Father's Day column.

Hey, I never
sent that here.
[ TV Continues ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Slurring Continues ]
I wore that robe
for my title fight.

Are you sure
I can have it ?

- Well, on one condition.
- Oh, yeah ? What's that ?

Never become a boxer.

[ Chuckles ]

Grandpa, did you ever
think that maybe you got
your stroke from boxing ?

[ Crowd Cheering ]

After all these years ?

Maybe. Maybe.

Oh !

What's the worst he's done ?
There's a lot to choose from,
I'll tell ya.

Last week at the Cooper's
he got drunk, started
singing, yelling.

He was babbling a whole bunch
of nonsense. No one knew what
the hell he was talking about.

I had to drag our father
out of the room, Lance.

That's because
you let him mix alcohol
with his medication.

You never, never
let him do that !

You're an asshole,
you know that ?

[ Harry ]
Oh, that was a long time ago.

A hundred years ago.

He was tough.
[ Laughing ]

Oh, man.
Yeah.

Yes, I remember.

[ Michael Chuckles ]
Oh.

Can you read English ?

[ Together ]
"World Champion."

Yeah.
Harry Agensky.

Who's this guy ?

Duff the Muff Coogan.

Big time Reno gangster.

He wanted me
to drop a fight
and pay me in diamonds.

Diamonds ?
Yeah.

Thirteen big ones
that he stole.

So what happened ?
I dropped the fight.

So you got the diamonds ?
Well,
[ Chuckles ]

Ellie wouldn't
let me keep them.

I always see her
that way.

So you just
gave the diamonds back ?

Well, not exactly.

We buried the diamonds
in the kitchen wall
of his house...

so I could get them
whenever I wanted.

So why don't you
go get 'em ?
[ Sighs ]

I forgot the address.

Somewhere in Reno.

But I will
find the address,

and I will get
these magic diamonds.

Magic diamonds ?
You'll see.

I need the diamonds.

I'm not going to end up
in an old man's home,

eating soft food.
[ Scoffs ]

Let's go.

- [ Lance ]
What's Pa wanna do ?
- [ Scoffs ]

Pa wants to rent the Althorn
Ranch and hire a companion
to take care of him.

- That sounds nice.
- Yeah, well,
the ranch is what ?

Four grand a month ?
And a good companion
costs another two.

Where does he think
he's gonna get the money
to pay for it ?

Magic diamonds.

[ Groans ]
I thought he was over that.

No. See, he's never
over anything, Lance.

He just keeps getting worse
and worse and worse.

Hi, Pop.

[ Bird Calling ]

[ Michael ]
Why are Moses and Roseanne
so hard on Grandpa ?

Oh, it's not that.
They love him.

It's just that
it's been hard for them.

Dad, I was thinking.

What do you say
instead of going to Banff,
the three of us go to Reno ?

He told you
the diamond story ?

Yeah.

Michael,
when your grandma died,
Pa was under a lot of stress.

He started with
this wild story
of Duff the Muff...

and stolen diamonds
and a fixed fight.

How many dreams
could he possibly have left ?
The least we could do is try.

Michael, he's an old man !

Who I'll probably
never see again.

You said we were gonna
have an adventure.
Well, I got news for you.

Moses and Roseanne don't
think he's well enough
to go to Banff.

All he wants him doing
is going out for walks
around the house.

Wait.
What are you saying ?

I'm saying we could
go to Banff ourselves
or stay here and hang with Pa.

Grandpa says
they can go to hell.

What do you wanna do ?
Kidnap him ?
Yeah, before sunrise.

He says we could be up,
over the border before
they even wake up.

He even knows a crossing
no one knows, man. Come on !

Look, I'm gonna
go talk to Pa.

Let's get a couple hours
sleep, then the three of us
are out of here.

What about Moses
and Roseanne ?

Screw 'em.

[ Snoring ]

So what do we do now ?
Just wake him up ?

[ Whispering ]
See if he packed his bag.
I'll get his medicine.

[ Groaning ]

- Moses !
- [ Continues Whispering ]
Lance, Pa.

It's Lance,
your other son. Lance.

Whatever your name is.
Lance.

His mother
gave him that name.
[ Sighs ]

I don't want
to forget Bev.

Hmm.

Is he gonna be okay ?
Christ, I hope so.

What are you staring at ?
Let's go.

[ Whispering Continues ]
Pa, be quiet !

- Pa, it's nice
to have you with us.
- Why ?

Well, because I want you
and Mikey to...

kinda get to know each other
a little better.

- Before I die ?
- I didn't say that.

Mikey, never get old.

Just disappear.

[ Changing Radio Stations ]

** [ Rock Beat ]
* I'm looking for somebody
like me *

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

** [ Continues ]

Hey, that biker
just flipped me off.

Pa, what's going on here ?
Did you do that ?

[ Lance ] All right, Pa.
Here's the border.
Just let me do the talking.

[ Officer ]
Name, place of birth,
citizenship, purpose of trip.

- Hi, how're you doin' ?
- Please, just answer
the questions.

Sorry, I-I didn't mean--
I'm just being friendly.

Uh, I'm Lance Agensky.
I was born in Vancouver.
I'm a naturalized American.

I'm taking a short vacation
with my son and my dad to Reno.

Born in Poland.

Polish.
[ Polish ]

- Huh ?
- What did you say ?

There's a girl named Bev
stuffed in the trunk.

Mr. Agensky.
[ Together ]
Yeah ?

Do you have
any illegal narcotics...

on your person
or in your vehicle ?

Yeah. Uh, no. No.
No.

This is not a joke.
Do you have a criminal record
of any kind ? And don't lie.

I checked the computer.
[ Together ]
No.

Okay. Your turn,
old man.

Are you now,
or have you ever been a member
of the Communist Party ?

No, no. No.
[ Chuckles ]
No.

All right.
Good news, gentlemen.
You're all clear.

I don't think this man
should be traveling
if he's so sick.

I'm just old.
Is that a crime ?

Do you want to arrest me
because I'm old ?

I mean, when my pappy lost it,
we couldn't take him anywhere.

If I were you--
You're not him !

You have something to say,
say it to me !

Pa, calm down, now.
He means no harm,
all right ?

What type of medication
is he on ?

I ought to smash your head.
Lance, hit him !

Pa, I think we'd
just better be going,
all right ?

I forgot.
My son won't hit you.

He's a writer.

Jeez.
[ Muttering ]

Thank you for
your understanding.

[ Muttering Continues ]

[ Car Door Closes,
Engine Starts ]

[ Lance ]
Thank you. Bye-bye.

Nice, Pa. Very nice.
You almost got us deported.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Cheering Intensifies ]

[ Cheering Fades ]
[ Lance ]
I'm bringing him back !

First he tells
the customs officer he's
got Bev stuffed in the trunk.

- [ Moses ] Sounds like
you've got a problem.
- Hey, Michael !

- Michael, no !
- Problems, Lance ?
I wonder why.

I'm glad I made your day.

Michael ! Hey !
Are you crazy ?

Hey ! Excuse me.

What are you doing ?
It's my first cigarette
in two days !

I'll tell you
when you get a cigarette.
When ?

With the blindfold,
just before I shoot you.

[ Scoffs ]
Guess what.

What ?
[ Sighs ]

Moses and Roseanne
are going to Seattle
for a couple of days...

while they
have their house fumigated.

[ Michael ]
So you think it was a mistake
bringing him with us ?

God, I hate it
when Moses is right.
[ Sighs ]

It'll take two days
for their house
to clear of pesticides.

Remember, we only
have ourselves to blame
for this little scheme,

so I guess we just
have to keep sucking it up
for his sake, huh ?

Yeah, I'm game.

All right, now, Pa.

One more ridiculous stunt,

and I will turn this car
around and head back
across the border so fast...

it will make your head spin.

Lance.

You look nervous.
I'll drive.

[ Laughs ]
Right on, Grandpa !

You shouldn't
have taken my cigarette.

Just shut up and get
your little ass in the car.

[ Engine Starts ]

Hey !
What are you doing ?

Whoo-hoo !

Oh, yeah !

Okay, the road
is to your left, Grandpa.

Not so fast.

You wanna get there,
don't you ?

- Right on, Grandpa !
- [ Laughs ]

[ Lance ]
I don't think
you should be driving.

I've been driving
for 65 years. Wanna
see my license ?

- [ Lance ] Watch out !
- [ All Screaming, Shouting ]
- [ Truck Horn Blaring ]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[ Coughing ]

Goddamn road hogs.

All right.
You drive.

[ Clattering ]

[ Clattering Continues ]

[ Harry ] I'm sorry,
but I have to try it again.

[ Lance ] We stop every
half hour, wait 20 minutes,
and nothing happens.

But I have to try to go.
Dad, he's got to go.

[ Bell Dings ]
[ Grunting ]

Evening.
Hello.

I need a double room
with a cot, please.
And a VCR.

No VCR.

Uh, would you have
a strong laxative ?

The nearest drugstore
is Dave's Drug and Gun Emporium
down the street.

If you hurry,
it's still open.

Dave's Drug and Gun ?
Mm-hmm.

Mikey, you take over.
What ?

You a reporter ?

Oh ! Um--

Yeah, I'm a sports editor
for The San Jose Mercury.

- Really ? I used to be--
- An asshole.

Tarzan LeCompte.

You tried
to take my title away,
but I whupped you.

No !
[ Wheel Clattering ]

You ? It can't be !

I heard you were dead.
Made my day.

I'm going to straighten
that nose of yours.

You stupid frog,
what the hell
are you doing here ?

[ Shouts, Chuckles ]
[ Mutters ]

Tarzan, remember
Duff the Muff ?
Sure, who doesn't ?

The Muff
was a real guy ?
That's a stupid question.

Will you
give me his address ?
Sure.

Thanks.
But no rematch.

I'd whip your behind.

You weren't good enough
to be bum of the month.
What ?

I was beating you bloody.
If it wasn't for
that lucky punch,

you'd be begging me
for a rematch.

I knocked you out.
Elvis was there at ringside
when you hit the deck.

Guys. Guys,
about the room, huh ?
I--

Follow me, kid.

** [ "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On Speaker ]
[ Gasps ]

Music in every room.

Oh, man.

[ Chuckles ]

Yo. Yo,
Elvis was the King.

I got all his tapes.

Enjoy.

And, Polack,
forget the tip.

- * Are you sorry
we drifted apart *
- Are you all right ?

This was Ellie's
favorite song.

** [ Turns Music Off ]

Why ? Why ?

- Grandpa--
- Why did she have to die ?

Why didn't you die ?

You !

Grandpa.

Grandpa,
it's gonna be okay.
[ Sobbing ]

It's fine.
It's just fine.

Everything's gonna be okay.
[ Sobbing Continues ]

We're gonna be okay.
[ Door Opens ]

Oh, my God.
What happened ?

It's just a mirror
and a vase.
This is my Elvis room !

I'll-- I'll pay
for the damage.

I don't want your money.
I want blood.

Want blood ?

Oh, no.
Pa, no. Pa !

I'll give you blood.
You're getting old, Harry.

You couldn't hit
the side of a barn.

[ Scoffs ]
Look at you.

Oh, look at you, Harry.
You look like an old basset.
You can't even talk.

Oh !
[ Groaning ]

- Now you got blood.
- [ Groaning Continues ]

I'll pay
for the damages, sir.

Just go on
and get out of here.

Go on !
And about that address--

No ! From that ape,
I won't take it.

Grandpa, it's kind
of important.
If it's from him, I won't go.

432 Bear Cat Drive.

[ Chuckling ]

What a sucker.

Let's get out of here.

We're going to be rich !

[ Sighs ]
[ Door Closes ]

[ Michael ]
Okay, okay.
This is 431, 430, 432.

[ Glass Clinking ]
This is it.

- [ Harry Snoring ]
- [ Dog Barking ]

Mmm.

[ Groans ]

Well, they aren't there.

[ Sighs ]

Grandpa, what's up
with those shades ?

I don't want people
to recognize me.

I had a big title fight
in Vegas.

A thousand years ago.
And, Pa, this is Reno.

Used to be all desert.
Incredible.
No, Grandpa, this is Reno.

In my day, Vegas
was a neon whorehouse.

This here
looks like a farm.

Hey, read my lips.
R-E-N-O. "Ree-no."

I'm not an idiot.

I know this is R-E-N-O.
Reno !

Now, drive,
or I'll take the wheel.

Pa, I don't know how
to tell you this,
but the house--

I know. I know !

I was awake
all the time.

Now we have to
track down the Muff.

Why ?
He has the diamonds.

Look, I've
got a better idea.

Why don't we go to one of
these wonderful casinos
and have some fun ?

No. No. No.
Yeah, we could play poker,
the slots.

Get something to eat.
Get a room.
We can kick it.

Shower, shave.
Think of it, Pa.
No. No.

Your own toilet.

Okay.

Pa, can we get going ?
Come on !
Peter Piper picked...

If we're gonna go,
let's go. I'm hungry.
a peck of pickled peppers.

How many pecks
of pickled peppers
did Peter Piper pick ?

Pa, the day's not
getting any longer.
It's already 4:30.

The skunk
sat on a stump.

** [ Jazz ]
[ People Chattering ]

[ Woman ]
Whoo !

[ All Cheering ]

I'm out.

I'm out.

How'd he get the name
"The Muff" ?
Was short for "muffins."

Oh, yeah. Uh, Coogan.
The Muff. Sure.
Yes.

It must
have been 15 years ago.
That's right.

The guy tips me five bucks;
ten minutes later he's dead.

Dead ?
They counted
32 bullet holes.

Thirty-two holes ?
Yeah.

Who did it ?
If I knew, do you think
I'd tell you ?

Ask his son.

** [ Continues ]
I see your 50.
I raise you 50.

And I raise you 50, sir.

Show me.

Straight flush.

Diamonds.

I know it hurts.

Thank you, sir.

A pleasure, gentlemen.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, Grandpa, Grandpa,
you've got to let me
just do one quarter, please.

If the guard sees us,
we'll both end up in jail.

All right.
[ Blows ]

- ** [ Computerized ]
- Oh, yeah ! [ Laughing ]

Oh, Grandpa,
look at all this money !
[ Chuckling ]

Look at all this money.
Thanks.
[ Sparse Applause ]

Whoo !

So let's go
spend some moola !

I'm up for a
two-pound lobster dinner.

I'd like a CD player.
And how about
something for Pa ?

The most expensive fedora
we can find.
Fedora !

You always looked good
in a hat.
Ellie never liked me in a hat.

Oh, Pa. Pa,
the room's this way.

Pa !

Well, let's, uh,
get some air.

[ Woman ]
Like, what is life
all about ?

[ Man ]
I know. I know.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Harry ]
Ellie ?

* Are you lonesome tonight

Remember ?

* Do you miss me tonight

Oh, how I miss you,
Ellie.

* Are you sorry
we drifted apart *

* Does your memory stray

* To that bright summer's day

Not bad, huh ?

* When I kissed you
and called you sweetheart **

- [ Man Grunting ]
- Hey !
- Hey, what are you doing ?

- No one move or he's dead !
- Okay !

- I want your money !
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Let's go ! Now !
- There. Take it.

- Now move back !
- Michael, no ! Forget it !

Michael, come back !
Come back !
It's not worth it !

[ Both Grunting ]

Dad ! Dad ! Dad !

[ Shouts, Groans ]

Oh, my hand ! My hand !
He sliced me,
the son of a bitch !

- [ Groaning ]
- [ Lance ]
Pa ! Pa !

Don't fuck around
with the Polish Prince !

- Give me that.
- [ Harry ] Come on.

He got his.
[ Muttering ]
He sliced my hand.

That guy must be crazy.
Did you see what I did to him ?
It hurts.

I could have killed him.
Mikey, are you okay ?

[ Woman ]
Hotel operator.
Can I help you ?

Information.
Do you have a listing
for Damon Coogan ?

Hey, guess what.
They sell The Mercury News
across the street.

My lucky day.

Pa, it's time to take
your pills now, all right ?
Yeah.

Moses ?
Lance. Remember ?
I'm your other son.

Whatever the hell
your name is.

I read your
Father's Day column.

Well, that was
six months ago.
I'm not made that way.

Pa, I wasn't writing
specifically about you.
I was generalizing.

I never beat you,
and I was proud of that.

Great.

You know, you could never
catch a ball.

Moses understood me.
[ Chuckles ]

He even tried
to learn Polish.

And I got mislaid
in the shuffle. I know.

Why do you say that ?

Your mother understood you.

Did it ever occur to you
that I might have needed you ?

Listen, Moses-- uh, Lance.

Why don't you spend
ten grand on a shrink ?
I'll give you the money.

He'll tell you that it
was all your father's fault.

- I already did that.
- And that's what he said, no ?

And not to make
the same mistake
with my son.

And you did, didn't you ?

Look, all I ever wanted
from you was just that you
believe in me a little.

My little projects
or whatever.

Just, you know,
that you gave me
a little respect.

Respect ? Why ?

Why ? Why ?
I'm your son, goddamn it !

- You gave Moses everything !
- I never gave Moses
any more respect.

Look, at this point,
I don't care.

Well, I care !

My father beat the hell
out of me.

And he never gave me
a pat on the back,

even when I won
the championship.

Just because your father
never gave you a pat
on the back,

that gives you the right
to kick my ass ?

I never kicked you
in the ass !
Look at me.

Am I a monster ?

Maybe I can't talk,
but I can read.

I can read.
Father's Day.

[ Sighs ] Look, why don't
you just admit you weren't
there when I needed you ?

Where was I ?
In the saloon getting drunk ?

No ! I was
making a living !

I was training, running,
hitting the bag,

boxing, sparring,
fighting,

getting my brains
knocked out !

And for what ?
For you.

For Moses. For Ellie !

For my family !

[ Lamp Breaks ]
[ Lance ]
Pa !

I tried.

Goddamn it, I tried.
I tried it the best I could.

[ Sobbing ]
I tried. I tried.

I always tried my best.

[ Mumbling Unintelligibly ]

[ Lance ]
Pa, I'm sorry.

I love you, Pa.

Are you proud
of yourself ?
It's between him and me.

You know the difference
between you and Sam is ?
Sam's a man and you're a wuss.

What ?
I should never have
come on this trip.

Wait a minute.
Y-You wanted to come.

This was supposed to be
our special time together.

No, Mom wanted
to be alone with Sam.

She said I had a choice
between you and Auntie Elba.

Oh, great. I beat out
a 90-year-old Nazi.

Look, I need a smoke
and a beer, all right ?
What ?

Hey, Michael,
come back here. Hey !

- Where are you going ?
- Just back off, all right ?

Michael !

Mmm.

[ Sighs ]

Michael !
Where have you been ?

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

I've been right here.
"Right here."

What's the legal drinking age
in Nevada now ?

Is it still 21 ?
Or is it 18 or 12 ?

Actually, in Nevada,
you can drink soda
at any age.

I'm sorry. I--

Can I join ya ?

It'll cost ya.

All right, I--

I'm listening.

You have to tell me
what your biggest regret
in life is.

All right. I'll tell you
my one big regret.

I never had a relationship
with my father.

- Is that your fault ?
- I don't know.

Oh, come on.
You know it's always
the dad's fault, right ?

And I think I'm creating
the same dynamic with you.

Is that your fault ?

Well, I heard
an expert once say
it's always the dad's fault.

Really ? Well,
that expert must have
been a pretty smart guy.

His father
was pretty smart.
Really ? Cool.

Yeah. Yeah.
Hmm.

That's pushing it.

Do you speak English ?
[ Woman ]
I am. What Coogan ?

I'll take a-any Coogan
you got.

We don't have any, sir.
Oh.

Well, how about unlisted ?
Unlisted ?

Yeah. The--
I can't do that.

Oh. Give me
a little hint.
Sir.

Hey, how about if I offer
to pay you money ?

Are you drunk ?
I'm not drunk !

Good-bye.
[ Dial Tone ]
I-- Hello ? Hello ?

So, when was
the first time
you got stoned ?

What makes you think
I ever got stoned ?
[ Chuckles ]

Because you're not
a total loser.

Oh, that's how it works, huh ?
You're hip, so you get stoned.

Look, you don't
want to answer, fine.
Forget it.

Her name was Gissa.

I was 21,
dating a 39-year-old woman.

[ Laughs ]
Damn !

She was gorgeous.
I mean--

She puts these headphones
on me, rolls me up a jay.

What music
did she play ?

Neil Diamond.

I didn't think
you had it in ya.

Don't ever
tell Grandpa, huh ?
Aw. [ Chuckles ]

** [ Instrumental ]

This time we'll
make our lips smile
and then pucker.

Bring your lips up
into a big smile
with your teeth closed.

The happy face pucker
will look like this.

Let's go, Bev.
Five, six,
seven, eight.

** [ Resumes ]
[ Grunting ]

** [ Continues ]
[ Door Unlocks ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Both Grunting ]

Now that our lips
are getting limber,
we'll do some lip smacks.

I got you.
And you pay for dinner.
[ Chuckling ]

And I'm hungry !
[ Muttering ]
No, I-- Get up !

Harry, your fly's open.

Nothing will fly out.

Mmm. Another vodka.

Uh, double.

That should make you happy.
Oh, you'd better
believe it.

Pa, if there was one thing
that you could do,
what would that one thing be ?

Get laid.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, yeah !
You the man !

What did you say ?
Listen, I'm serious.

I haven't had sex
in eight years !

- Pa, please.
- I'm a man, goddamn it !

Before I go,
I wanna have a woman.

He's not been well.
He's had a stroke.

Oh, who gives a damn
about itsy-bitsy stroke ?
[ Man ] Sit down,

Just sit down, will you ?
you old drunk !

You're a bunch of pussies.

- [ People Gasping ]
- Pussies !

P-U-S-S-- S--
How are my S's ?

- Perfect.
- Perfect ? Very good.

I'm not buying
a prostitute for you.

I hear that college girls...

are really into old men
with slurred speech.

- Kind of kinky.
- Yeah.

But who am I to complain ?

[ Laughing Continues ]

All right.
I'll find a place
and drop you off.

When was the last time
you had sex ?

Pa, not in front
of my son, all right ?
Oh, come on !

He hasn't gotten any
since him and Mom separated.

And I bet you're a virgin.

Oh, please !
I am not a virgin.

- I'm not.
- A toast.

To my last love,

to Mikey's first...

and to Lance's... whatever.

- I think not.
- Why not ?

I'm not gonna be a party to you
learning about women being
bought and sold as commodities.

- They are not cattle.
- You need sex more than I do.

And Mikey
has to start sometime.

[ Sighs ]
If your mother ever found out
we were even talking about this,

I would lose
visitation rights
for eternity.

I'd-- I'd be willing
to risk that.

Gentlemen, two Cokes.

There you go.
And... a... double.

Uh,

"June," where is the best
chicken ranch in town ?

- Pa, come on !
- I beg your pardon ?

Oh. Uh--

[ Chuckles ]
I know just the place.

The girls are the best.
Thank you.

My pleasure.

[ Chuckles ]

Read it.

"State of Nirvana.
Sister Sin-Dee
and Girls Incorporated.

"Five miles east
on Logger's Road
off High Point's Pass.

- Ten percent off
with this card."
- I'm ready !

Ahh ! Like
Red Hot Henry Brown.

[ Michael ]
Who's he ?
The hottest man
in town.

All right. Okay,
that's it on the alcohol.
** [ Singing ]

He's cut off.
That's it.

Ooh !
** [ Continues ]

Dad, there's a lot
of cultures in the world...
Mm-hmm.

where fathers take their sons
to the local madam
to lose their virginity.

It can be a very powerful
bonding experience.
Fine.

You know
what I'm saying ?
No.

What made this country great ?
Democracy.

Uh, your point being ?
Let's have a vote.

Oh !
That sounds
totally fair, yeah.

You know I'm gonna
be outvoted.
You can't be sure.

[ Scoffs ]
What ? You're not
gonna vote yes ?

I wanna vote yes,
but I'll vote no
out of respect for you.

Oh. I was
born yesterday.

Look, just give me
the respect of a vote, okay ?

I'll give you the respect
of a no. I don't think
women are cattle either.

Just trust me, okay ?

Lance, if you don't
trust your own son--

Right. Okay. Good.
I'll trust you.

Because if you don't
have trust, I mean,
you have nothing, right ?

Okay. Go, Congressman.
It's your vote.

I vote yes, I go.
We have nothing.

I wanted to vote no, okay ?
My testosterone just took over.

It's not my fault
I was born a male, okay ?

It's your turn, Grandpa.

Mikey, I told him
to trust you.

I have to trust my son.

I vote no.
Thank you.

Shit !
Take it like a man.

No, I don't have to take it
like anything, Grandpa.

Now I see why you
drove my dad nuts, huh ?

Wait a minute.
There's one more vote.

Oh, right. Lance.
Sorry we forgot you.

Go ahead. Vote away.
You already
know my vote.

That's not how
a democracy works.
Oh, right. Right.

It works on lies ?
Just vote, okay ?

All right.

Yes.
I knew you--
What ? Yes, what ?

Yes, I'm going to hell
in a handcart.
[ Chuckling ]

Yes, I'm going
to the penitentiary
at the hand of your mother.

And yes, you're about
to have an experience...

that I will probably lament
for the rest of my life.

Yes ? Yeah !
Whoo-hoo !

Yeah ! Whoo-hoo !

Whoo-hoo !

All right !

[ Animal Howling ]

You look cool, Grandpa.
Cool ?

Hey, I'm cold.

Don't you ever
put the top up ?

Pa, you know
it's broken.

You know,
I hate to mention it
at this point,

but what if they say
Michael's too young ?

No prob.
I got a California I.D.
that says I'm 21.

Does every 18-year old
have a fake I.D. ?

You did.
Hey, come on.
You were 18 once.

Can't you remember
that far back ?

I was only 18
for about a year.

I feel 15
or maybe 16.

Well, ring the bell.

Right.

[ Bell Rings ]

Hi.
Hi.
Hello.

Hello. Come on in.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.
This is a nice place.

Thank you.
My name is Sin-Dee.

Miss Sin-Dee.
Mm-hmm.

What's yours ?

I'm Michael.
Lance.

Does Harry the Polish Prince
ring a bell ?

Oh, now, let me think.
You're the Prince of Poland.

[ Chuckles ]
Very funny.

I was a welterweight
boxing champion of the world.

Ooh, very impressive.

[ Michael ]
He was the best.
[ Chuckles ]

How old are you ?

I'm 24.
Twenty-one.

- Whose idea was it
to bring you here ?
- He has a California I.D.

I don't really
have an I.D.

I was just saying that.
You have an I.D. card.

- Remember ?
- Pa.
- What ?

In your pocket.

The alley.
Oh.

Ohh !
Yeah.

Oh. Your name
is Benjamin Franklin ?

Uh, his friends
call him Benjie.

Benjie,
here's your hundred.

I'm sure your father
will take care of your bill
very generously.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's a big tipper.

I'm glad to hear that.
Ah, father, son.
Father, son.

- A family project.
- One for all and all for one.

Ah, lovely.

Well, since you're here,
I'll let it go this time.

This really, really
means a lot to me.
Thank you, Miss Sin-Dee.

Mm-hmm. Follow me.

[ Mutters ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Girls ?

- Guys, you all right ?
- Couldn't be better.

Uh, Mikey,
you choose first.

[ Sighs ]

Um, well, first off,
ladies, I--

I want you all to know
that I have great respect...

for you all as women.

I-I do. And in no way
do I think of you
as objects,

but more
as pieces of art.

Um, you know,
you're beautiful
and feminine and--

hi-- real flesh
and bone.

Um, I also support
equal rights and equal pay
for women--

Little boy,
I don't care if you
respect me or not.

I just want you to
caress every part of my body
as I grind my hips into yours.

I want to lick your ear
and push my hands
down your pants...

and make you cry for mercy
as I take you to places
so good it hurts.

- Um, I'm gonna take her.
- Good.

[ Michael ]
See you later, Dad.

Ahh.

[ Chuckles ]

I feel like a kid
in a candy store.

First,
a bottle of champagne.

Maybe two.
Ooh.

Let's see.

Her, her,

the one
with the big tongue.

[ Chuckles ]

Ladies,
lead the way.

I live dangerously
because I'm Red Hot Henry Brown,

the hottest man in town.

[ Sin-Dee Laughs ]
* That red-hot mama
you heard about *

** [ Continues,
Indistinct ]

** [ Humming ]

We're waiting.

** [ Stops Humming ]
[ Women Giggle ]
Come on. Come on.

Holy shit.

[ Giggles ]
You can make it.

[ Woman ]
Come on.

I'm coming. I'm coming.
[ Woman Giggles ]

Okay, smart boy,
what's it gonna be ?

'Cause I do it all.

Uh, h-how about a...
shoulder rub ?

[ Stuttering ]
Th-That'd be good.
I've been driving.

[ Sighs Pleasurably ]
Oh.

A shy one.

Okay. We'll take it
really slow.

Let's go upstairs.

[ Pops ]
[ Women Whooping, Laughing ]

One more drink
before we start.

Men, I salute you.

Follow me.

Follow me if you please.

Uh, halt.

What a beautiful platoon.

Our mission:
a trip to paradise.

- Volunteers ?
- [ All Giggling ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !

Oh, ohh.
[ Moans ]

Look, I'm just not
into paying for sex.

So, what ? I get
paid for nothing ?

Have you ever heard
of self-respect
for a job well done ?

Sure, sure, but--
Probably think I'm white trash,
and you're not attracted to me.

Oh, now, you know
you're a beautiful young woman.

I'm average.
Whatever you think.
That's not my point.

[ Groans ]
So then you're
not attracted to me ?

Look. You're
being paid for it.

You know, that's what's wrong
with America. Everybody
wants something for nothing.

Well, not me.
I won't sit at home
and collect welfare.

[ Groans ]
I got a job.
I pay taxes.

And I have
great job satisfaction.
[ Moans ]

And I will not
let some bourgeoisie
try and stop me.

"Bourgeoisie" ?
What kind of call girl
are you, anyway ?

You think I'm a victim ?
Ooh. [ Crying Out ]

That I got a heart of gold
and that all I really want
is a good man...

who doesn't drink
and won't beat me ?
[ Groans ]

Have you ever
touched a breast
as lovely as mine ?

Does bumped into
count ?

Um--
Are you okay ?

Y-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Um, I'm fine.

[ Gasping ]
Have you ever
experienced...

sexual ecstasy ?
[ Gasping ]

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Of course.

I mean, by myself.

Put your hand in here.

Do it.

[ Gasping ]

- Do you like it ?
- Yes, yes.

It-It's nice.
It's really nice.

[ Moaning,
Groaning ]
Are you okay ?

I--

[ Gasping ]
Oh, um... I'm sorry.

For what ?

I-I, um--

I-I'm finished.
I'm done.

Thank you.

You know, your problem
is you don't know
how to have sex.

You only know
how to make love.

And there's a problem
with that ?

Only making love
denies the animal in us,

the bestial impulse
that wraps two human beings...

in a ball of flesh,
tongues, and sweat.

Ah. Bestial impulse.
Yeah. Should've said so
before.

Look. I can't make love
with a woman who won't kiss me,

and call girls
aren't supposed to kiss, right ?

[ Restraint Tightening ]

But warriors
devour their enemies.

Tongues and flesh.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

- I don't know.
- I think he got scared.

Everybody out.

I used to be a bull.

What a fool.

A ridiculous fool.

Four women. Why not ?

In my dreams,
I've had dozens.

Were you married long ?

Forty-five wonderful years.

Forty-five years
with one special person ?

You were lucky.

She's still here.

Well, after 45 years,
I would hope so.

Would she mind
your being here ?

Ellie just wanted me
to be happy.

Ooh. Strong hands.
Yeah.

That's how
I made my living.

The Polish Prince.

Once, they were made
of stone.

But now they're made
of flesh and blood,

with stories that
make up a full life.

And the story's over.

No. I see dreams
unrealized.

I see darkness and light,

a lot of love
and a little bit of fright.

You know,
I think these hands...

would tell
a better story.

Tell me.

Tell you what ?
Your story.

Please. I want to know.

I've been asked my story
a thousand times...

and told a thousand lies,
whatever they wanted to hear.

Courtesan, Earth mother.

But what is the truth ?

Hmph. We each have our own.

Well, you were once
a little girl.

Where did you live ?

Small town near the railroad.

Watching the trains
whizzing by ?

Yes. Especially
the Express.

Glimpses of waiters
in white coats serving
fine ladies and gentlemen.

Wondering where
they were going.

I wanted to be on that train
going anywhere to take me
out of this town.

And then what happened ?

Along came
this wonderful guy.

Took me on that train...

to all those places
I'd always dreamed about.

Ohh. I loved him.

Then suddenly one day--

I never knew why--
he wasn't there.

So, I, uh-- I was alone.
I had to make my way,

and finally I ended up
where I am.

Don't feel sorry for me.
I made my choice... my life.

Sin-Dee...

you're a fine woman.

Shall we dance ?

Ellie loved to dance.
She was quite a woman.

She was. She is.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, um, I have--
I have a confession
to make.

I've never had
intercourse before,
and--

I've only been
to second base with--
with Kelly Rush.

Don't laugh.
It's not funny.
[ Clears Throat ]

I just lost
my best chance at,

you know, losin' it.

When I was your age,
life was so confusing.

My one regret
is not saying "good-bye"
to this boy down the street:

Tony.

I loved him.

I know he loved me.

So if you're
anything like Tony,

then you have it in you
to do it again, easy.

How easy ?

As easy as you want,

Tony.

That's it, honey.
Just relax while
I take off your clothes.

What's wrong
with this thing ?

[ Moaning, Gasping ]

- Did-- Did, um--
- [ Gasps ]

You did.

Did you ?

Look, um, I don't want
to talk about it, okay ?

[ Laughing ]
But don't laugh, okay ?
It's not funny.

- [ Exhales ]
- [ Continues Laughing ]

Forget sex.

Just keep your pants on
and hold me tight. Mm.

Mm.

[ Sighs ]

When did you
have the stroke ?

Just after my wife died.

Ooh.
Must've been hard.

Well, at the beginning
I couldn't talk.

I started to say something,
and I babbled like a baby,

and my-my m-mouth was--
was drooping.

Grotesque. I didn't
want to see anybody.

I didn't want anybody
to see me.

[ Sighs ]
I just went into--
into my room,

closed the blinds,
crawled into bed...

and cried and cried
and cried.

Do you still cry ?

Sometimes,
when the sun goes down.

But... I'm here !
[ Chuckles ]

You're a very,
very brave man.

Brave ? I'm a pussycat.

[ Chuckles ]
Ellie made me
snap out of it.

I remember her saying,
"Things can always be worse."

So I decided to work
on speech therapy cassettes.

"Oral aerobics."
"Oral" ?

Yes. Lip and tongue exercises,
you know ?

[ Making Nasal Sounds ]

Hey, not bad.

You know, there was
a three-year-old girl...

lived next door.

Kelsey.
Beautiful child.

When I started to talk,
I talked like her.

But I kept working.
And then one day I said,

"Kelsey,
say 'transcontinental.'"

She couldn't say it.
I left her in the dust.

[ Both Chuckling ]

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Are you scared ?

Yes. I'm scared.

I am too.

Mm. We hide it.

[ Lance Inhaling ]

You know,
when I was in junior high,

my body used
to crave the touch
of a woman's hand.

It was, like-- [ Exhales ]
you know, a thrill to it.

It was fire.
And here it is
30 years later.

I feel like
that fire has been
completely reignited.

Man. With you, Tiff,
I feel reborn again.

My nerves are back,
you know ?

[ Inhales, Exhales
Deeply ]

So let's do it.

[ Chuckles ]

My limit's twice
in an evening.
You know, I mean...

I meant,
take me with you.

- [ Inhales ] You're joking.
- No.

No lie ?
You'd roll with me ?

[ Slowly ]
Yeah.

Ohh, man.

It'd be totally ultra-rock.
[ Shrieking Laughter ]

[ Snorts ]
I'm sorry.

[ Squealing ]

You want a smoke ?
Uh, no.
No, thanks.

Where'd you learn how to do
that incredible thing with
your tongue ?
The what ?

You know, the--

Oh, that ! Um,

it's just
something I learned
from my grandpa.

No, it's a video.
We practice all the time.

- Very cool.
- Yeah.

Sure you don't want
a smoke ?
Yeah, yeah,
I'm sure.

I only smoke
in front of my dad.
It drives him nuts.

You would like Ellie.

The Muff met her first.
He gave her a job modeling.

Duff the Muff ?

You knew him ?
Well, I know his son.

- Yeah. Damon.
- Yeah. He used to hire
a lot of my girls.

- He owes me money.
- Yeah.

I even considered
putting a lien on his house.
I saw the house.

It's now an empty lot.

I know that lot.
Damon moved the whole house
into town.

- Where ?
- I have the address.

You have ?
Yes. In my office.

Will you give it
to me ?
Of course.

Thanks.

I will meet you
downstairs.

Michael !
Lance !

- Lance ? Lance ?
- Pa ?

What the hell
are you doing ?
Get downstairs.

I've found the diamonds.

Y-Yeah, the diamonds.
Yeah, the diamonds !
Right !

Diamonds ! Diamonds.
Gotta blast. Oh.

Michael ?
Yeah. Hang on a second,
Grandpa.

Hurry downstairs. We're
going diamond hunting.

[ Breathlessly ]
All right.

I-I've gotta go.

Tony was a lucky guy.

You got it.
Of course.

And the phone number too.
How can I ever
thank you ?

Turn the clock
back 30 years.
I'm going to do just that.

Thank you.
Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Lance ] And this guy's
gonna let us put a hole
in his kitchen wall ?

[ Harry ]
He'll do anything for money.

[ Dog Barking ]

Damon.

Get in here.

[ Pounding ]

I don't see a damn thing.

Here.

I can't believe it,

after all these years.

My old man never told me
there was a box
in that wall.

Maybe your father
didn't trust you too much.

[ Michael Laughs ]

I fell in love
with these diamonds.

It's Mom,

Mikey, your grandma.

Her name was Ellie.

She stole my heart.

She's beautiful,
Grandpa.

She made me promise
never to show these cards
to anyone.

But I was too proud.

I married a goddess.

Ellie,
you understand everything...

that I'm trying to do.

You put a hole in my wall
for a goddamn deck of cards ?

What the hell is this ?

Jesus Christ.

I'm rich.

[ Michael ]
What do you mean, you're rich ?
We're splittin' this.

What else is in there ?
[ Grunts ]

That's all there is,
except for the cards.

Okay, let's cut that necklace
in half so we can get going.
Yeah, that sounds fair.

Sounds fair, huh ?
I'll tell you what's fair.

What if I keep the necklace,
and you can take the cards ?
Shit.

-You can get in a lot of trouble
waving that thing around.
-And you can get dead.

Damon, you win.

It's a deal.

Come on.

You're a smart man.

** [ Harry Humming ]

So, Grandpa, how much do you
think that Coogan guy'll get
for the diamonds ?

Almost ten bucks.

Huh ?
What ? No way !

It was fake ?
Lance,

most of everything
Muff had was fake.

[ All Laughing ]
So that jerkchain back there
ends up with zilcho ?

That's right.
Beautiful !
Right on, Grandpa !

You the man !
I'm the man !

I'm the man.
[ Together ]
You the man.

* Ooh

* Ooh, ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

[ Elvis Presley Singing ]
* Are you lonesome tonight

* Do you miss me tonight

* Are you sorry

* We drifted apart

* Does your memory stray

* To a bright summer day

* When I kissed you

* And called you sweetheart

* Do the chairs
in your parlor *

* Seem empty and bare

* Do you gaze
at your doorstep *

* And picture me there

* Is your heart
filled with pain *

* Shall I come back again

* Tell me, dear

* Are you lonesome

* Tonight
* Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

I'm happy, very happy.

Ellie gave me her okay.

I will move to a farm
and hire a companion.

I want you all
to come and visit me.

Well, who's gonna be paying
for all this ? Dad, we don't
have the money to--

- The magic diamonds.
- Harry, what are you
talking about ?

Don't you speak English ?

- Huh ?
- [ Michael And Lance
Continue Laughing ]

Your diamonds, Dad,
are nothing but a deck
of cards.

They're magic.
Believe me. They're magic.

Yeah.

[ Insects Chirping,
Animals Hooting ]

I promised you magic,
and I deliver.

Nothing up my sleeves.
Now, watch carefully.

You remember this ?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Now, don't
take your eyes off of it.

Here's the deck
of cards.

- Magic.
- Yeah.

Now, watch it.
Watch it.

Don't take your eyes
off of it.

Ohh.

Oh !

- Jesus.
- Magic.

Read it. Hmm ?

[ Michael Reading ]
"All 13 diamonds are
of the highest quality...

"of cut and fire.

"Ten have
a pure white brilliance.

"Three are colored yellow,
pink, and champagne.

"They average five carats.
Total worth:

$345,000" ?

Sixty years ago.

Now, three million.

[ Sighs ]

Mikey, for you...

and for Lance.

For Moses...

and for Roseanne.

Oh, and for the baby.

The rest,

to keep me out
of that goddamn
old man's home.

You're giving us over
a million dollars' worth
of diamonds.

- Pa, are you sure about this ?
- I'm sure.

Just take good care of
the little Polish Prince.

Mikey,
I'm proud of you.

But I want you to learn
to live each day...

as if it were the last.

And remember,
whatever happens
to you in life--

if you can't walk
or you can't talk--

never, never give up.

What about you,
Grandpa ?

Lance...

Ellie loves you very much.

Well, I'm just
delivering the message.

Lance, why don't
you write a book
about your life ?

About your wonderful mother
and your awful father ?

Lance ?

I-- I do love you.

I know you do, Pa.

Thanks.

Come here.

Mikey ?
Here. Enjoy.
Yeah, Grandpa ?

Grandpa, I can't take this.
Bev's your girl.

She's too young for me.

Man, this is gonna be
so cool at parties.

And don't forget me.
I want to hear from you.

[ Lance ]
Don't worry. You will.

- I'll call you
from Frisco, Pop.
- Where are you gonna be ?

Oh, you can find me
at Lance's.

I mean, uh, my dad's.

Take care of yourself.
[ Engine Starts ]

See ya, Uncle Moses !
See ya, bud.

Good-bye.
Drive carefully.

[ Lance ]
Michael, did I ever tell you
that I love you ?

[ Michael ]
Yeah, Dad, every day.
Every day.

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Harry Reciting ]
I want a proper cup
of coffee...

made in a proper
copper-coated coffeepot.

I find a teapot
of no use to me.

If I can't have
a proper cup of coffee...

made in a proper
copper-coated coffeepot,

I'll have a cup of tea.

Not bad, but I think
you need a little more lip work.

Okay.

Let's start with
the happy pucker, okay ?
Okay.

Five, six,
seven, eight--

[ Man Singing ]
* It's you and me

* The fish in the sea

* The stars up in the sky

* It's a bird in flight

* That makes it all right

* And keeps this world

* Keeps this world
keeps this world *

* Alive

* Is it just coincidence

* I know
it doesn't make no sense *

* Whistling a tune
with glee *

* Me, myself, and I
makes three *

* It doesn't take a scientist

* To prove to me
that you're the best *

* It wouldn't change
the twinkle in your eyes *

* My heart
would find no melody *

* I'd find myself
in jeopardy *

* If you weren't
in my life *

* It's you and me

* The fish in the sea

* The stars up in the sky

* It's a bird in flight

* That makes it all right

* And keeps this world

* Keeps this world
keeps this world *

* Alive

* If I only were a king

* All your fingers
would have rings *

* The biggest one
would spell your name *

* And a holiday
would bear the same *

* I'm not a rocket scientist

* Don't fuss about
with politics *

* Forever
you're the apple of me eye *

* My heart beats
like a timpani *

* Accompanying the symphony

* That spins
our lives around *

* It's you and me

* The fish in the sea

* The stars up in the sky

* It's a bird in flight

* That makes it all right

* And keeps this world
keeps this world *

* Keeps this world
keeps this world *

* Alive

* Whoa-ho *