Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005) - full transcript

Mmm.

-My husband!
-Mmm?

Thank you for last night.

(GASPS)

Thank you for last night.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Thank you for last night.

(CHUCKLES)

* I'll keep you
my dirty little secret

* Dirty little secret

* Don't tell anyone or
you'll be just another regret



* Just another regret
Hope that you can keep it

* My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

* Who has to know

-(BANGING)
-(BELL RINGING)

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

Shit!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

(SCREAMING)

Today, these visually-impaired
senior citizens

will fulfill a lifelong dream.

To swim with dolphins.

(DOLPHIN SQUEALING)

BOY: Hey, check this out.



What is that?

Careful. That is four
years of research.

A technological breakthrough,

which might just save
a life or two.

-What's it for?
-It's a device to prevent

the beaching of cetaceans.

That's "whales" to you and me.

Cetaceans, huh?
That's a pretty big word
for a man-whore.

I'm not a man-whore.

I'm a fish enthusiast.

I stopped man-whoring
when I met my wife.

My mom said your wife
got eaten on your honeymoon

because you tried
to feed the sharks.

You tell your mom I was trying
to feed the turtles!

I didn't realize there was

meat sauce on the lettuce.

Whatever. I bet that
thing doesn't even work,

you stupid he-bitch.

-Come on, I got it!
-Hey, you little bastards.

Hey, give that back!
That's not a toy!

WOMAN: That's the one.
That's your grandma.

Gimme... Come on! Gimme! I...

(HIGH-PITCHED SOUND)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Something... Something
seems to be going wrong.

I'm not sure
what's happening.

-Yee-haw!
-(BANGING)

Oh!

I gotcha! I gotcha!

* Here's wishing you
the bluest skies

* Hoping something better
comes tomorrow

Hey, everybody. I'm home.

* And the very best
of choruses to

* Follow all the doubt

Hi, Kate. I missed you today.

The prototype's
almost working.

All it needs is
a few minor adjustments.

* Here's hoping all the days
ahead won't be as bitter *

MALE REPORTER:
This is Wes Takahashi
in Malibu,

where three blind
swimmers are still missing.

I hope that man rots in hell!

It was some weird guy.
He tried to touch my ba...

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

-T.J.?
-I'm in Amsterdam!

Man, you'd love it over here.
It's like Disneyland

for college students.
You wouldn't
believe this shit.

Why don't you come on
over and let your old friend
T.J. show you a good time?

Oh, that's crazy. I can't.

Look, it ain't like
you got somethin' better
to do over there.

Amsterdam is so far away.

Police have just released
a sketch of a man

wanted for questioning.
Witnesses report

he is goofy-looking
and probably a virgin.

On the other hand,
far away could be good.

(PLANE TAKING OFF)

Is my wife gonna
be okay in there?

ATTENDANT:
She'll be fine, sir.

DEUCE: All right.

WOMAN 1: (ON PA)
Ladies and gentlemen,
flight 10 from Helsinki is

-now arriving at Gate A-12.
-Excuse me. I think there's
been a mix-up.

Oh, sorry! Sorry.

That's okay. I've always
wondered what it would feel
like to be a white woman.

Can I borrow it?

Gimme that!

Hold on!

WOMAN 2: (ON PA)
All rows now boarding
for Amsterdam.

-Ow!
-Ow!

-Oh!
-Oh!

Oh!

(WHISPERING) Excuse me. Okay.

DEUCE: Hey, how many people
get to do this on their
honeymoon?

You're sure it's safe to
feed the turtles?

You have nothing to worry
about! I'm a fish expert,
remember?

What is that over there?

Oh that's just some kid
with a fin on his back

trying to scare us.

Are you sure?

Yeah! Do you think the hotel
would let us swim out here

if there were sharks?

Come on. This is Mexico!

They know what they're doing.

(LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

This shirt's gonna be
a great icebreaker.

MAN: Fuck you, American.
You imperialist bastard!

I love America!
I love President Bush!

Thank you for bringing
democracy to Iraq!

MAN: Shut up!

-WOMAN: Oh, shit!
-(SPLASHING)

Oh, hello! Sir!

Is this okay?

You did miss a spot.

Did I get it?

Put some elbow in it!

Sorry, honey.

Huh. What's with all
these red lights?

I wonder if they know
their curtains are open.

Oh, man.

Ahoy there.

Big Deucey in Amsterdam.

(LAUGHING)

Man, get on over here.

Deucey.

-Look at this boat.
-Check this out.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

T.J.: You like that?

(MUSIC STOPS)

I couldn't be happier for ya.

-Come on, let me
show you my float crib.
-Okay.

-Yeah! Lookin' like money.
-Yeah!

So, you're gonna have
a good time, man. Huh?

Well, it ain't much,
but it's home.

Oh.

It's nice. I like what
you've done with it.

Now if you gotta use
the bathroom,

lift up the toilet seat.
This is where I live,
it's my home.

Don't want nobody
pissing on my toilet seat.

What do you think
of the float crib,
you feelin' it? Huh?

T.J., I think you got
a bad leak here.

Naw, naw, naw.
It's just high tide.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah. I brought Kate.

I really wanna show her
a good time. Ya know?

Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.

Deucey.

Keepin' that leg
is kind of creepy.

-You gotta move on
with your life.
-LIL' KIM: T.J.!

-Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?
-I no more man-whore.
Too much danger.

Excuse us for a moment,
Deucey.

Listen up, Lil' Kim.
When your little, bony ass
had SARS,

who got ya out of quarantine?

Go make me some money.

No way! I take
my three inches elsewhere.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(BELLS TOLLING)

So I thought I'd come
over here and make a killin'.

Got myself a houseboat,
some hos.

The only thing a woman
love more than a man-ho
is a floatin' man-ho.

Makes sense.

Then all these man-whore
murders started.

My he-bitches got too
scared to go to work.

What kind of world
do we live in

where the streets ain't
safe for male prostitutes?

SERVER: Here's your hashish.
Enjoy.

-Hashish?
-Yeah.

-No.
-Yo-ho-ho-ho.

I thought you said
this was a coffee shop.

Let me break it down
for ya, Deucey.
You're in Amsterdam.

If you want coffee,
you go to a cafe.

If you want marijuana,
ganji or some freaky-deaky,

you go to a coffee shop.

That's where you is now.
Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHING)

Put that away! Cops! Cops!

Hold it right there.

Now, that joint looks loose.

If you want,
I'll roll the next one.

Have a good evening, huh?

Oh, don't worry about it,
Deucey. This is Amsterdam.

It's perfectly
legal over here.
You want a hit?

No. I'm not smokin' nothin'.

Oh, come on, man.

Deucey don't smoke.

Suit yourself.
Well, well, well,
if it ain't Heinz Hummer,

the gigolo with
the most below.

What do you want, T.J.?
I'm busy.

I wanna introduce you
to my friend, Deuce Bigalow.

He's a gigolo from America.

Hi.

(LAUGHING)

Sometimes you're
really funny, T.J.

How much you gettin'
for a Filthy Ramirez
these days?

Because I could get you more.

HEINZ: A Filthy Ramirez?
Where have you been?

Nobody pays
for that shit anymore.

See ya around, T.J.

Hey, the Man-whore Awards
are comin' up.

Don't you wanna win
the Golden Boner?

I already won it twice.
Just ask your ex-fiance.

Man, why you gotta bring
up Delisha like that?

I can't believe prostitution's
legal here.

Oh, yeah, it's big business.
They got a union, dental plan.

Man, if I had a he-bitch
like Heinz Hummer,

put me back in the game.

Is he that good?

Is he that good? They
don't call him "Lord of the
Wangs" for nothin'.

Man, what I wouldn't give...

For Heinz's wang?

Naw, I don't want
Heinz's wang.

I want him as a client.

Hey, man,
keep your voice down.

Talkin' about me wantin'
Heinz's big, juicy wang.

People would think I'm gay.

Now, a pimp's only got
one thing in this world.

His reputation.

Here you are, gentlemen.
Fresh today.

Bon appetit.

What is this?

Spacecake.

Why do they call it that?

You know, it's what
the astronauts eat.
Like Tang.

I'm starving.

It's a little dry.

-Keep eatin'. It gets better.
-Hmm.

-Ya sure you don't want any?
-No.

Never been high,
never gonna be.

It's pretty good cake, though.
Fuckin' excellent.

* Nights in white satin

* Never reaching the end

(T.J. LAUGHING)

* Letters I've written

Whoo!

* Never meaning to send

* Beauty I'd always missed

* With these eyes before

You.

Come on in here.

You, you want me to...

Yes, you.

* Yes, I love you
Oh, how I love you

* Oh, oh
Oh, how I love you *

Maybe you can help me.

Really?

I don't want a man who is
chiseled, and sculpted.

I like soft and weak.

You do?

I want a man
who is unemployed,

and went to a
community college.

I am! And I did!

And you know what really
turns me on?

What?

It's thinking about him in
his tighty-whiteys, sitting
at his computer

and visiting different
porn sites, and taking

the free tour, with no
intention of ever joining.

I don't have a credit card!

Kiss my chest.

Okay.

Harder!

-Bite me!
-You sure?

Harder! Bite me harder!

(SCREAMING)

-Get off of my titty,
you doped-up cracker!
-Huh?

No more Spacecakes for you.

Hey. I'm sorry about that,
T.J. I must have gotten
a contact buzz.

What did I tell you
about making me look gay?

Not 10 minutes go by,
and you got your sloppy mouth

all over my breasteses.

My nipple's ruined!

You're lucky I was born
with a spare.

There go one of my hos.

The old guy in the
walker's one of your hos?

Yeah. Why ain't his
ancient ass out there
makin' me my money?

Kaiser! Get your old ass
back in the booth!

Deucey, meet me back
at the float crib.

Bitches out here
act like they never seen
a pimp before.

I raise my hand, they look at
it like it's a goddamn
croissant.

Then, bam! Feel my pimp hand.

Where's the boat?

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
You scared me.

Hey. Do you know who I am?
I am Heinz Hummer.

I'm the gigolo
with the most below. Okay?

I can give you a Filthy
Lopez like you never
had before.

I could give you
a Cambodian Creamsicle

that will make you scream
all night. Okay?

But not now, 'cause I'm busy.
So leave me alone, bitch.

Ugh! Wait a second.
Do I know you?

New... Jizz... Wizz...
Wer... Burger king...

(MAN WHISTLING)

Heinz.

Man, are you wasted.

I gotcha.

Coming up next, more weather.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

DEUCE: What's this?

Hey, hey, Heinz, wake up.
Check this out.

Holy shit!

Europe just got
a little better. Whoo!

Damn. That old
Kaiser's got legs.

You gotta keep
your bitches in line.

Yeah.

What's he doin' here?

I found him passed out
in the alley.

I couldn't just
leave him there.

I put in a good word for ya.

Thanks, Deucey.
Much appreciated.

I knew you'd come around.

Oh, shit.
Heinz ain't passed out.
Heinz is dead.

No. He can't be.

I'm tellin' you Heinz is dead.

See for yourself!

Watch this.

Maybe he's just
a heavy sleeper.

I can't believe you
brought a dead man-whore
in my home.

What were you thinkin'?

I didn't know
you could die from pot.

This is no
pot-related fatality.

This is no ganja accident.

This man was murdered.

The Man-whore Killer did this?

-We gotta call the police.
-No, no, no! Hey, hey!

Damn, white boy.

You think the police gonna
believe a stoned black pimp

had nothin' to do
with a dead prosti-dude
in his float crib?

Before I toss your dumb
ass in the canal,

I just wanna say,
for the record,
under T.J.'s management

this would have never
happened.

I just gotta see
what all the fuss was about.

God damn! No wonder
Delisha never came back.

That shit's the real
Loch Ness Monster.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

What the shit is this?

What you lookin' at?
Turn off them damn cameras!

I ain't gay!

I was only lookin' down his
pants 'cause I heard his

schlong was so big and juicy.
Wait a minute, that didn't
sound right.

Gimme them damn cameras! Whoa!

Where is he?

MAN: (ON TV) We now interrupt
Naked Seinfeld for this
special report.

The suspected Man-whore
Killer has been spotted

on the Prinsengracht Canal,
attempting to dispose

of his latest victim.

-(GASPING)
-I ain't gay!

The suspected killer
has been identified
as Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.

You idiot.

He is still at large
and extremely dangerous...

-POLICEMAN: Hold it!
-Hey! Hey, guys!
How's it goin'?

-GASPAR: Where is he?
-I don't know.

-Where is he?
-I swear, I don't know.

Your loyalty
is impressive, sir.

You've once been arrested
for man-whoring,
were you not?

Look, I wasn't really
man-whoring...

Please, Mr. Bigalow.
I've heard this
a thousand times.

You were cold.
You were frightened.

He took you under
his arm and fed you.
He made you feel sexy.

He told you how to hide
money in every orifice.

But your friend
is obviously a killer.

T.J.'s not a killer.

If he isn't a murderer,
then what was he doing

checking out
a dead man's penis?

I guess he was curious.
He heard it was big and juicy

and wanted to see for himself.

Lot of guys do that.

No. They don't.

Okay.

T.J.'s gay.

-Really?
-Not normal gay, but,
ya know, crazy gay.

Musical theater gay.

Is that why he puts
lipstick on all his victims?

Wait a minute. In the alley,
I heard someone whistling.

And I saw someone. A woman...

...in a leopard coat.

People see a lot
of crazy things

when they're high
on spacecake.

There's drugs in spacecake?

Mr. Bigalow, I will find
your pimp whether
you help me or not.

(DOOR CLOSES)

T.J., thank God you're here.

How'd you find me?

It's the only chicken
and waffles place in
all of Holland.

So a black man's gotta
be at a chicken
and waffles place?

That's racist.

-But you are here.
-Yeah, but figuring it out
is racist.

It's a nice place.

Did you know Holland
invented chicken and waffles?

Really?

Before that you could only
get chicken or waffles,

but they were the first
to put 'em together.

Black people all over the
world would be forever

grateful to the
Dutch for that.

You do know the Dutch
started the slave trade.

Those motherfuckers!

What? Who let 'em print this?

We're gonna prove
that you didn't kill anyone.

I don't give
a damn about that.

It's the "extremely gay"
part that's botherin' me.

I mean, if I'm a murderer,
they'll welcome me home
with open arms.

Get out of jail
and become a huge rapper.

But a gay pimp?
Think where I'm goin'.
Vermont?

Look, T.J., I think
I saw the real killer.

It was a woman.

Some She-John went
on a he-bitch killin' spree

'cause she wasn't
satisfied with a Filthy Lopez.

What's a Filthy Lopez?

40 bucks. Same as downtown.

Look, all we got to do
is find the She-Johns
that went out with

the dead gigolos.
One of 'em is our killer.

-Makes sense.
-You gotta get back
on the horse.

Horse? What horse?

The man-whore horse.

We gonna use your tight,
little white ass as bait.

Bait? No, I'm not man-whoring.

We're gonna find the
killer using your twat-cicle.

Twat-cicle? Gross. No.

Give this to my mama.

Tell her I'm sorry I was
a disappointment to her.

Tell her I'm sorry
I called all her friends

in the middle of the night
when I was pleasurin' myself.

And tell her she don't
have to worry anymore
about her baby.

Even if I wanted to,

how are we gonna find
a dead gigolo's customers?

T.J.: We'll go to
the Man-whore Union.
But we gotta be careful.

They'll be lookin' for me.

Meeting of the royal order
of European man-whores
is now in session.

T.J.: These are the highest
paid he-bitches in Europe.

That. That's Rodrigo.
He's from Spain.

He can tie shoelaces
with his tongue.

-Ew.
-That. That's Enzo.

He's Italian.
His nut sack is insured
for a million dollars.

DEUCE: That's 500 grand each.

Check it out.
That's Assapopulus
from Greece.

He can actually kiss you
with his butthole.

I'd like to never see that.

I'd like to say a few
words about our
fallen comrade,

-Heinz Hummer.
-DEUCE: Who's the blonde guy?

Chadsworth Buckingham.
Comes from a long line of hos.

His great-great-great
grandmother
gave Henry VIII crabs.

But I know Heinz
would like to be
remembered for most

was being a male prostitute.

ALL: Hear, hear.

He was also
a supercilious cunt.

-Who's that guy?
-Gian-Carlo.

Silverback he-bitch.

Heinz Hummer was
undercutting all of us.

(CROWD JEERING)

Yes. He was charging
the same price for
straight sex

as he was
for a Turkish Snow Cone.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Oh, yes. He was also charging
the same price
for a Belgian Steamer

as he was for a Portuguese
Breakfast.

(CROWD MURMURING)

As we sow, so shall we reap.

Thank you, Gian-Carlo,
for those kind words.

Until this insane killer
is apprehended,

the union is going to
institute a new security
measure.

This ring locks snugly
over your va-guy-na

and then communicates
directly with a global
satellite system.

There are rings of all sizes
are available, smaller
for our Asian members.

Y'all know me.
My name is McManus.

I joined this union
some 20-odd years ago
for two reasons.

To have intercourse in
exchange for cash,

and two, to protect my rights
as a man-whore.

But

three years ago, when this
union told we man-whores

that we were to stop
having intercourse
with underage girls,

I strongly disagreed.
But I did not stand up.

I'm ashamed to say,
I stood down!

And then three months later,
this union told we
man-whores

that we were to begin
washin' our private areas
between customers.

Our private areas.

And once again,
I'm ashamed to
report to you gentlemen,

I stood down!

But now, sir, for what am I
to tell my eight-year-old boy

when he comes to me,
and he says, "Daddy.
Daddy. What's that thing

"hanging off of your
he-pussy?"

How am I to tell him, sir?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Deucey, you can do this.

Due to high demand,
each member will be
only allowed two tickets

-to this year's
Man-whore Awards.
-How's it goin'?

I'm Deuce Bigalow.
I'm a gigolo from America.

My friend Tiberius
Jefferson is not the
Man-whore Killer.

MAN: Homo!

Now, I'm convinced
that the real killer
is a She-John.

Which means any one of
you could be next.

Now, there are a couple
hundred gigolos in this room.

Now, if we all work
together, we can find out
who the real killer is.

What do you say?

(SCREAMING)

How come you didn't
tell 'em I wasn't gay?

Did you not just see me get
thrown through a window?

-What do we do now?
-T.J. has an old friend

who just might be able
to help us out.

Come on. Watch your step.

HOST: Right this way, please.

ANTOINE: Deuce!

Antoine?

-Sit down.
-It's good to see ya.
It's been a long time.

Ah! (GASPS)

This is the list
from the Man-whore Union.

It's got all the clients
that went out with
the dead gigolos.

Awesome.

Please be quiet.
I went through a great deal
of trouble to get this.

Sorry.

Now, if you want to
compete with the European
man-whores,

you need to learn how
to really please a woman.

I should write
some of this down.

Go ahead. You must be
able to pleasure a
woman with...

-...with your...
-Pleasure her with...

Oh.

(ANTOINE GURGLING)

Do you want me to try?

(GAGGING)

-Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!
-Ah, ah, ah.

All right. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Women really like that?

Man-whore down!

(LAUGHING)

Get the list.
It's in his pants.

All right.

I think I got it.

Can't a brother stick his
hand down another man's pants

without settin' off
the faggot alarm?

DEUCE: This Marlene Alsmere.
She went out with
Diego and Heinz.

What am I gonna do
if she tries to kill me?

You distract her
with your magic she-nis.

I'll look for evidence.
The lipstick
and the leopard coat.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

All right.
Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.
Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.

Hi, I'm Deuce biggest
lady I've ever seen.

Ah!

T.J.: That's a huge bitch!

Hi.

Cute kids. Are they yours?

Those pictures,
they come with
the frames.

I'm unable to have children.

I'm so sorry. That must
be very hard for you.

Evidence. Mmm-hmm.

That big ho
got food everywhere.

You are a nice man.
Now, take off your clothes.

Don't you wanna talk
a little more? You seem
very interesting.

Take them off!

Hmm. "Dutch Bride."

Baby, walk to Mommy.
Come, come.

No! Like baby!

Baby, walk to Mommy.

Good baby.

Come to Mommy!

Oopsie.

Oh, baby hungry? Want booby?

Baby never eat again.

You like them
big hairy balls,
don't ya?

(MEOWING)

(SCREAMING)

Bad pussy! Bad pussy!

Hold it! Hold it right there.

Is this truck full
of marijuana?

Is this truck full
of marijuana?
Can't you read the sign?

No unloading pot
in the red zone!

-Write him up.
-But, sir, it's my
daughter's birthday.

-She's turning 13.
-Inspector.

-What? Oh, God.
-MAN: We need all this pot
for the party.

Inspector. I got these
lipsticks from Marlene
Alsmere.

She was a customer
of Heinz Hummer.
She's big and strong.

She could easily
be the killer.

The lipstick the killer
uses is a very rare one.

Shimmer Lavender Love
number 66.
Discontinued in 1984.

But, but...

Sir, I also have a list
of the women who went out
with the murdered gigolos.

-Will you stop doin' that?
-Will you stop playing

these games and tell me
where T.J.'s hiding?

-T.J.'s innocent.
-Oh, don't make me laugh.
"T.J.'s innocent."

Uncle! You forgot your lunch.

Ah! That's very nice. Thanks.

(SNEEZING)

Let me, let me
help you with that.

Thank you.

Excuse me for askin',

but why did you slap
yourself like that?

Promise you won't laugh?

I promise.

Uh, I, I have
obsessive compulsive
disorder.

I have these little rituals
that I can't help doing.

I can't touch doorknobs,
I snap my fingers
when I see a bus.

And when someone sneezes,
I slap myself three times.

I've heard of that.
That's not so bad.

-(BICYCLE BELL DINGING)
-Ow!

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
Bells make me do that.

It got me
kicked out of school.

It's okay. Everyone's got
a few weird habits.

Actually, I've got about 130.

So you're above average.

I mean...

I'm Deuce.

I'm Eva.

Is that a Sudanese sweetlips?

How did you know?

It's, like, my top five
favorite fish.

They have one here
at the aquarium.

DEUCE: I heard this place
is incredible.

It's the doorknob?

I'll get it. Okay.

Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you.

He's beautiful.

That's really good.

Thank you.

Excuse me, but in America
they don't allow smoking
in aquariums.

Ah. Well, in Europe,
we don't unilaterally attack

a country just to
steal their oil.

What?

"What?" Did I offend you?
Are you going to
shock and awe me?

Maybe you should check
my pockets for weapons
of mass destruction!

What are you talking about?

I just asked you
to put your cigarette out.

And then what is next?

Take wine away
from my children?

I put out this cigarette.
God bless America.

The nicotine in that
cigarette is poisonous.

-So they say.
-It could kill every fish
in that tank!

Poor little fishy.

Hey. Why are you
with that loser?

You have a nice ass.

I think this belongs to you.

Merci beaucoup.

(GASPS)

DEUCE: You dick!

I would like to take you
from behind.

My penis is uncircumcised.
No head.

It's like a torpedo.

You pig!

Oh! Are you tired of swimming?

Did the little fishies
not want to play with you?

MAN: Fuck off, ya Yank!

I'm only staying
with my uncle for the summer

and then I go back
to art school in Brussels.

Could I take you out
for coffee sometime?

You mean, like a date?

Well, yeah.

-(SIREN WAILING)
-(EVA SCREAMING)

Oh, the, the siren.

Right. Right. Siren.

Before I can go on a
date, I have to collect

five different-colored
tulips, eat two herring

and drink a beer
from a wooden shoe.

Well, that sounds doable.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

What is it?

-The accordion player?
-Mmm-hmm.

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

The Smelly Finger dance.

(ALL CLAPPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Hey guys, I need a quick
gigolo fix, what do you say?

Uh, I'm judging a sandcastle
building competition
this afternoon,

so, I can't help you.

Um, the dog ate my penis.

You don't have to
walk me any further.

I just work over there.

-I don't mind.
-I'm kind of embarrassed
of my job.

I'm kind of embarrassed
of my job too.
What do you do?

Bye, Deuce.

Well, well, well.
If it isn't Deuce
Not-So-Big-Below.

(CACKLING)

It's Bigalow.

What's your going rate,
douche?

Well, I was getting $10.

Ooh!

Okay, gigolo.
Do you even know when a
woman is having an orgasm?

Sure I know.
It's when she says,

"Please stop. It's okay.
You tried.
Now, get off me."

(LAUGHING)

I bet he doesn't even
know how to give
a Sneaky Castro.

Well, that depends.
If she wants it regular
sneaky or extra sneaky.

There is no such thing as
an Extra Sneaky Castro.

Is there?

It's pretty convenient,
your friend killing off
all the competition.

I've got my eye on you,
Small-Below.

(LAUGHING) Small-Below.

(BUZZING)

LILY: I'll be right down.

Okay.

This is the woman that went
out with Heinz the night
before he was murdered.

(WHIRRING)

Don't worry about it,
Sherlock Ho. I ain't gonna
let you out of my sight.

Hi, you must be Lily.
I'm Deuce.

(ROBOTIC VOICE)
Nice to meet you.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh, would you like
some bread?

Oh, I can't have bread.

It makes my esophageal
lining swell up and could
block my throat hole.

Excuse me for a second.

Sure.

(AMPLIFIED NOSE BLOWING)

-Pardon me. I had to clear.
-Yeah.

-So, what do you do?
-I just got fired.

-I'm sorry.
-I was a phone-sex operator.

(DEVICE SCRAMBLING)

I only lasted a week.
They were jealous of me.

I heard that Heinz Hummer had
a bit of a jealous streak.

I bet you're glad he's dead.

Heinz was the most
gentle man I ever knew.

I miss him and his man-gina.

(DEVICE SCRAMBLING)

MAN 1: I can't
take it anymore!

Oh. I'm sorry. I can see that
you really liked Heinz.

Here, let me get that for you.

Thanks.

WOMAN: Let's go.

MAN 2: I think I'm gonna puke!

I started smoking again
when I lost my job.

If I don't find another one
pretty soon,

I'm gonna lose my house.

Well, we'll just have to find
you a new one.

-Relax. Have some wine.
-Thanks.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

(YELLING)

I don't normally drink
red wine, so...

(CHUCKLING) Oh!

(LAUGHING) I have hiccups!

(LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY)

-Go down the wrong hole,
I think.
-Check, please.

Deuce,

I can't thank you enough.

It's good for you.

It's good for them.

I'm just glad it worked out.

-I'd better get to work.
-I'll be hearin' from ya.

LILY: (ON PA) The white
zone is for loading and
unloading of vehicles only.

There is no parking
in the white zone.

Thanks, Deuce.
I had fun last night.
The white zone...

I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.

I am here for my 12:30
ass-hair bleaching.

Okay. How blond
do you wanna go?

Gwyneth.

Good choice.

Oh, hey. I got a real Janeane
Garofalo situation back there,
so go for it.

So, Enzo. Got any
She-Johns lined up
for tonight?

Well, I did a Chili
Rainbow last night so...
I'm exhausted.

What about you, Assapopulus?

I've got the herpes,
so, what are you gonna do?

(LAUGHTER)

Liar!

-Mahmoud!
-Huh?

What's your excuse?

I just realized I'm gay.

Any of you guys
want a blowjob?

I do!

Well, okay, then.
I'd better go put that
penis in my mouth.

You're all afraid
of the Man-whore Killer!

ALL: No, we're not!

-(GUNSHOT)
-Get down!

I don't wanna die!

You really should find
a better hiding place.

Oh, you haven't heard?

Rodrigo's been killed.

-No!
-ASSAPOPULUS: Oh, my God! Why?

He was just having
his ass hair bleached!

He got much more than
that, I can assure you.

Bonne chance.

GASPER: (ON TV)
Ladies and gentlemen,
very happy that Scotland Yard

has now joined the search
for the gay killer,
Tiberius Jefferson.

Thank you very much.

So how about this next
one? Svetlana Revenko.

The Russian women are
a little freaky down below.

Hair start in the front,
don't end till it get
to the back.

So if you gotta give a little
mouth-to-south,

put a clothespin on your nose.

I'll keep that in mind.

Wish me luck.

Garcon. You mind changin' that
to The Weather Channel?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

T.J.: It's gonna be cold
tomorrow.

I have been waiting for you,
Mr. Bigalow.

Aren't you afraid to work
with the Man-whore Killer
on the loose?

What do you know about it?

Apparently, there's some
maniac who's killing them all.

Some people say
they deserve it.
What do you think?

I think everything
happens for reason.

You're probably wondering
why I'm wearing this veil.

I wasn't. But if you want
to talk about it, cool.

-I grew up in Chernobyl.
-Chernobyl. Huh.
What a pretty name.

My mother, she work in
nuclear reactor when she
was pregnant with me.

Instead of a nose...

...I was born with an
appendage on my face.

A male appendage.

No shit!

I have always been a little
self-conscious about it.

Well you shouldn't, I mean...

...a lot of women would love
to have a guy's dick

on their face.

Yours is just permanent.

You are sweet...

...and very handsome
for an American.

Hmm.

I like you.

(GIGGLING)

I would love to hear some
Latin music!

I'll see
if the penis knows any.

I mean, the pianist! Uh,
the guy playing the piano!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh! The band has started.
Aren't we lucky?

Whoa!

(BAND PLAYING)

Damn, no lipstick!

You smell nice. What is it?

It's Old Nice.

It's a knockoff of Old Spice.

I like it, but,
I think it makes me sneeze.

What happens when you sneeze?

(SNEEZING)

-Oh, Jesus! I'm sorry!
-(SNEEZING)

Oh, good Lord!
Now's a good time to turn.

-(SNEEZING)
-Oh!

Hi!

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man

How long are you going to be
staying in Holland?

Only until I can prove
my friend T.J.'s innocent.

Is there someone waiting
for you back home?

It's kind of hard to explain.

Would you like to meet her?

She's here in Amsterdam?

It's my wife.

I got her right here
in my duffel bag.

Kate, this is
my new friend, Eva.

She passed away
a couple years ago, and...

...it's all I have left
of her, and I...

Nice to meet you.
She was very lucky to have
someone so devoted to her.

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man

* Here comes your man...

DEUCE: Hey, uh, can I see you
when you get off work?

Oh, you know, I'd really
love to, but I'm going
to be so tired.

-Bye!
-Okay...

Eva! Eva!

Did you just kiss me nine
times because you're OCD?

(GIGGLING) No.
It's because I like you.

Oh...

Excuse us, coming through.

Uh, what are they doing
in there, anyway?

They're making a movie.

Cool. What kind of movie?

(WOMAN MOANING)

Oh...

-I better get to work.
-Okay.

In there? You work in there?

-Yeah. Well...
-Hi, Eva. Great work
yesterday!

Thank you.

Eva. Eva. Listen, we really
need you on the set.
All the guys are waiting.

-All the guys?
-Yeah. I can't keep
them waiting.

Bye, Deuce.

ASSISTANT: I don't see
your name on the list.

MAN: I'm very good, yes.

(CHATTERING)

(BRAYING)

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Back of the line, buddy.

(CHUCKLING) Trust me.
She's worth the wait.

-It's a closed set. You can't
come in here, sir.
-Like hell I can't.

-Get off her,
you little freak!
-Huh?

Aah!

Eva, you don't have
to do this!

Hey, I agreed to one
midget, not two!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

EVA: Deuce?

Eva, you don't
have to do this.

Do what?

-This.
-What?

This...

-You painted that?
-I'm a scenic artist.

So that's what you do here!

Hey, little friend.
I guess I owe you a big...
Oh! Oh...

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Stoner Steve here!
Who wants to get high?

T.J.! T.J.!
Is that you in there?

Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude!

I've went out with every girl
on that list that lives
in Holland.

Then you need to find the rest
of those bitches.

The rest of those women live
in other countries.

Goddamn, white boy!

Pack up that snatch bow
and go find the real killer!

Stoner Steve!
Stoner Steve Cafe!

* Step right up
and don't be shy

* Because you will not
believe your eyes

* She's right here
behind the glass

* You're gonna like her
'cause she's got class

* You can look inside
another world

* You get to talk
to a pretty girl

* She's everything
you dream about

* But don't fall In love

* She's a beauty
* She's one in a million girls

* She's a beauty

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* You can say
anything you like

* But you can't touch
the merchandise

* She'll give you
every penny's worth

(BURPING)

* But it will
cost you a dollar

* You can stand outside
your little world

* You can talk
to a pretty girl

* She's everything
you dream about

* But don't fall in love

* She's a beauty,
she's one in a million girls

* One in a million girls

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* But don't fall in love

Oh, ho!

* She's a beauty,
she's one in a million girls

* One in a million girls

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* But don't fall in love

T.J., there you are!

Hey, the girl with the giant
ears overheard Heinz

talkin' about some photo in
the Man-whore Society.
We gotta get in there.

-Why aren't you in disguise?
-I'm in disguise.

-I'm in blackface.
-But you're black.

-Yeah, but I'm disguised
as a different black guy.
-Well, you look the same.

-What you tryin' to say?
We all look alike?
-No, that's not it.

You're such a racist!
You know, I got half a mind
to stop helping you save me.

Come on. Let's go!

Excuse me.
This is a private club.
Man-whores only.

Hey, I'm a real good
man-whore.
Just go ask your mama.

Still. I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

That's what your mama
said after I bang her.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, that's it.

Go, go, go!

Ah!

Hey, your mama is in here!

It's okay, I know what
I'm talking about. If you're
going to stick two in there,

you're gonna need
a lot of lubricant.

I know what I'm talking about,
huh? Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Hey, this thing is locked!

Man.

I only heard about this place.

This is where man-whorin'
all started.

Check it out!

You know who this is?

He was the first guy to keep
from shootin' his load by
thinking about sports.

This guy here?
Baron Von Doggystyle.

Led a pimpin' expedition to
the Arctic Circle.

Froze to death sixty-nining
a moose.

The only thing left of him is
this stick, which he used to
bitch-slap Eskimos.

Now this brother here,
Coulter Cunt-Licker.

He's the Jackie Robinson
of ass eating.

Vladimir Suck-Me-Off,
the first man-ho in space.

They were studying
the effects of zero-gravity
on the reach-around.

All right,
will you cut it out?

I'm sorry.
This is my Graceland.

Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, check this out.

That's the blonde lady
with the leopard coat.

This must be the killer.

So, what are you going to
wear to the Man-whore Awards?

Ah. I thought I'd just go with
a tux and satin chaps
with my ass-plug cuff links...

-Assapopulus, you left the
trophy case open again.
-Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.

-(WHISPERING) Deucey.
-(WHISPERING) Shh.

-(WHISPERING) I gotta fart.
-(WHISPERING) You gotta what?

-(WHISPERING) I gotta fart!
-(WHISPERING) Well, hold it.

-(FARTING)
-Shh! I hear something...

(FARTING)

I think the building
is squeaking.

CHADSWORTH: Maybe it's a bird.

(FARTING)

Ooh...

(LOUDER FARTING)

You idiot!

(SCREAMING)

-Bigalow!
-Go now!

-CHADSWORTH: Security!
Stop them!
-Oh!

T.J.!

(ALARM BLARING)

(SCREAMING)

MAN 1: Through the curtain!
MAN 2: What the hell?

TJ: Somebody
smoked a he-bitch!

-Enzo? He kill Enzo!
-No, no, I didn't do it.

What is that?

Uh, that is not a dick
in my hand.

Anybody got some
antibacterial gel?
I got burnt dick on my hand.

-Eva! Eva!
-I'm in the shower!

-T.J.'s been arrested.
-I can't hear you!
I'll be out in a minute!

In his gayest murder yet,
the homosexual
Man-whore Killer

murdered famed gigolo,
Enzo Giarraputo.

Our meteorologist
Truce is sick today,
filling in is Hank the Bear.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(EVA WHISTLING)

EVA: Hi!

Hi.

What's the matter?
Why are you looking
at me like that?

-Like what?
-(GIGGLING)

Oh!

-(GASPING)
-Ah!

I'll get that. I was a Boy
Scout for almost a week.

So, uh, is your uncle home?

No, we're completely alone.

-Ah!
-Would you like some cheese?

-I'm lactose-intolerant.
-Why are you so jumpy?

Maybe I can help you relax.

You're shaking.

-Maybe it's because I'm cold.
-I can fix that.

Why don't you pour us a drink?

So, uh, I guess
we're all alone, huh?

Ah!

Yes.

Deuce. You're scaring me.

Eva...

Listen. Everything
I'm about to do

-is because
I really care for you.
-Oh, Deuce.

Now, I don't know why...

I don't know why
you've done this,

but I'm gonna give you
everything I've got.

* Baby, grind with me

* Relax your mind
Take your time with me

* I'll love you deeper
if you cry for me

* Now come and kiss me
till your body gets weak

* Just grind with me
Baby, grind with me

* Relax your mind
Take your time with me

* I'll love you deeper
if you cry for me *

EVA: Deuce?

-Don't go in there. Stop!
-Gaspar! Gaspar!
I know who the killer is!

I know who the killer is.

-I know who the killer is.
-I knew, sooner or later,
someone would figure it out.

Sorry I have to be
the one to tell ya.

It's Eva.

It's Eva?

You mean my niece, Eva?

I know it sounds crazy,
but I found the lipstick.

The same lipstick the killer
used. Shimmer Lavender Love,
Number 66,

at your house.

And you found it in the pocket
of a trench coat hanging
in the closet?

Exactly! Plus, I heard her
whistling the same song
I heard the killer whistle.

Like...

(WHISTLING)

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And you tell me, why would
anyone but the killer be
whistling that specific song?

I mean, the odds would
be astronomical.

Maybe the song
got stuck in her head

because she overheard
the real killer whistling it

and maybe the real killer
is someone...

...very near and dear to her,
though she doesn't realize.

Sure.

Or maybe the Hamburglar
did it and escaped
with the Great Pumpkin.

Look, I understand this must
be very difficult for
you to be out-thunk

by a civilian like myself.

But we have to put
our egos aside right now

and do what's best for Eva.

She's clearly ill,
and she needs our help.

You're absolutely right.

You know, the only thing
I can't think of is motive.

Now, what could she
possibly have against
man-whores?

Maybe because
they represent a decline

of this once-glorious city...

...which has now become
a new Sodom and Gomorrah

for rich college kids
to smoke hash,

to fornicate with Venezuelan
hookers or to defecate

on our historic
cobblestone streets.

They don't defecate
on the streets.

Hey.

Well, how do you know
he's a tourist? I mean,
he could be a local.

-Where is Eva now?
-Oh, she's at your house.

Good.

Do you really think you need
all those weapons?

She doesn't seem that
dangerous. You're not gonna
hurt her, are you?

You can never
be too careful.

That poor guy.

What a dipshit.

Tonight, the sexually
inadequate men
of Europe can breathe easy,

safe in the knowledge
that all of the continent's
finest gigolos

are right here under one roof,
all asking,

"Who is gonna walk away
with the Golden Boner?"

In this car, we do, we have
Assapopulus and his date
for the evening...

-Oh, damn it.
-...his mother.

She's the woman that, uh,
made me start into
prostitution,

made me go into prostitution.

I wanted to become
a doctor, but...

EVA: Uncle, you home?

What a beautiful couple,
mother and man-whore.

-Man-whore Awards?
-MAN: (ON TV) Please welcome
your host for this evening,

-Johnny Vaughan.
-JOHNNY: Thank you very much,
indeed.

Can I just say, ladies,
gentlemen, man-whores,

a night where we celebrate
those guys who can get wood,
no matter what.

-Do you know,
they have gay-pride days...
-Oh, my God.

GASPAR: Yes.

I'm going to kill them all.

-But why?
-Don't you see what's
happening to our country?

Whoo-hoo!

But it's murder.

(CHUCKLING)

During the final gala number,
when all these man-whores
are gathered on stage,

I push this little
button, and poof!

Bye-bye, gigolos. Shouldn't be
that hard to pin the crime
on your good friend,

Deuce Bigalow.

-I won't let you!
-Ah-choo!

If you wanna stop me...

...it's as simple as touching
this doorknob.

-Where's Eva?
-Eva's gone to
the Man-whore Awards.

-I'm going there too.
-I'm comin' with you.

Yes. Yes,
you should be there too.

Now, let me give you all
the lowdown on T.J.

In Thailand, I got a job
in a carnival sideshow,
eatin' broken glass.

We did six shows a day.
That's a lot of broken glass.

And it's all collected
in the linin' of my anus.

My ass is like one big,
nasty cheese grater.

Here to perform
his signature move,

the Chili Rainbow,
would you please welcome
Assapopulus Mariolis.

(ALL CHEERING)

Ah!

* Ma-ya-hi
Ma-ya-hu

* Ma-ya-ho
Ma-ya-ha-ha
Ma-ya-hi

* Ma-ya-hu
Ma-ya-ho *

-EVA: Deuce! Deuce!
Right here!
-Hey, Eva's right behind us.

EVA: Deuce, stop!

What are you doin'?
She's right back there.

-Deuce! He's the killer!
-What?

-You're with the killer!
-I'm with the dealer?

-EVA: He's the
Man-whore Killer!
-Eighteen-wheeler?

My uncle is the killer!

Oh. I'm with the...
You're the...

She says that I am the killer,
you stupido.

-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(EVA YELLING)

But why? What did
man-whores ever do to you?

What did they do to me? Ha!

All my life, I dreamed of
being one thing. A gigolo.

Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.

I'll never forget that day.
Never.

It was my first semester
at Man-whore University.

Now, today, class, we shall
learn how to give a lady
a proper Portuguese Breakfast.

Ya take an egg,
and ya crack it.

Ya mix 'em up.
Now, this is a good chance
to sweet-talk the client.

-And?
-And we pour that in
there. Beautiful.

-Very nice, now. And, uh...
-Don't forget
the Canadian bacon.

EARL: The Canadian bacon,
of course. I was just gettin'
to that.

-What are you doing?
-It's a penis enlarger.

It says just a few pumps,
and it gets your thing bigger.

You mind if I give myself
a few pumps?

-Go nuts.
-There we go.

So there ya have it.

Tell me. How was your
Portuguese Breakfast?

Delicious.

-Elsa?
-Gaspar?

(BURSTING SOUND)

(LAUGHING)

They knew she was my fiance.

And tonight,
I will get my revenge.

Leave it!

(EVA YELLING)

I'm from Canada
and I'm wasted!

-Are you all right?
-Yeah. Are you okay?

Stop! Stop! Police business.

-Come, we gotta stop him.
-Yeah.

Stop! Stop!
Man-whore business.

Before we present
the award for Man-whore
of the Year,

let's take a moment
to honor those gigolos

who have recently passed.

(ALL CLAPPING)

* Every rose has its thorn

* Just like every cowboy
sings his sad, sad song

* Every rose...

Hey, Daddy. I was lookin'
in your underwear drawer

and I found this bracelet.

Holy mother of God.
That's not a bracelet, boy.

That is a device that your
daddy has to wear on his he...

His he... His he...

-Happy birthday, son,
ya got a bracelet.
-Ha-ha. Great.

-Let's go. Come on.
-JOHNNY: And now, the award
you've all been waiting for,

the Man-whore of the Year.

All right, listen.
You go get help.

I'll get all the gigolos
off the stage.

Okay. Good luck.

Excuse me.

You have to get off
the stage right now,
or you'll all be killed!

Get the hell out of here,
douche, before I have you
thrown out.

There's a bomb on the stage!

-You idiot.
-You're all gonna die!

I'm the Man-whore Killer!
This is a bomb!
Everybody out!

-(ALL SCREAMING)
-Everybody get out!

-You gotta get out of here!
-Ugh.

You'll die with the rest
of them, Bigalow.

Those gigolos robbed me
of my manhood.

I was never able
to satisfy a woman.

I'll see to it
that they won't, either.

You don't have to kill anyone,
Gaspar. Because you can
please a woman.

Those gigolos don't know
what they're talkin' about.

Is he talking about us?

Do you really think all
a woman wants is some guy
to give her a Mud Pretzel

or a Turkish Snow Cone
or an Irish Facial?

-Yes, they do, liar.
-WOMEN: No.

A woman wants a guy
who'll ask her about her day
and really listen to her.

Or at least pretend to.

-Yes.
-What?

When she's hurting,
ask her how she feels.
Cry with her.

-CROWD: Yeah!
-These gigolos are
just ripping women off!

I've never had any complaint
from any of those freaks!

I faked it.

A woman doesn't care
if you wear a Rolex watch

or have a gigantic schlong
like Heinz Hummer.

This guy knows his shit.

What are you doing?

Anyone else?

If you let a woman really know
you care about her,

maybe she'll give you
an Irish Facial.

We will die together,
man-whore.

(GASPING)

You don't have to do this.

-They ruined my life!
-Give me the detonator.

No.

My penis exploded.

Okay, that's a tough one.
I'll give you that.

But having a penis is way
overrated. Trust me.

-No. No.
-Gaspar!

Hmm?

(CHEERING)

Are you okay?

We did it! Oh!

ALL: Oh!

That's the grossest thing

I've ever seen.

And I've seen some
pretty gross things.

POLICEMAN: In the car.
Head down.

I'll be seeing you again,
man-whore.

CHADSWORTH: Deuce, you saved
the Man-whore Society.

The Golden Boner
belongs to you.

Thanks. I... That's very...

This belongs to you too.

Hang it to the left.

You gonna eat that?

-Knock yourself out.
-Thank you.

So... I guess this means
you're a real gigolo now.

I don't want you to treat me
any differently.

How much would you
charge me for a kiss?

Well, first one's always free.

-Mmm. Deuce!
-What?

Oh, no!

No, it's, it's just this.

* And that's the way I like it

* My garden's a secret

* And that's the way I like it

* So please, baby, please

* Open your heart

Deucey! Whoo!
Thank you, Jesus.

Did anybody hurt you in there?

Oh, you askin' if I got
ass-punked.

Is that's what's happenin'
right now?

Not if you don't wanna
talk about it.

Well, turns out,
I'm not that attractive.

Well, you should know you've
been cleared of murder,

but people still think
you're gay.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't tell nobody I'm not gay.

Look at it:
T.J., the gay man's pimp.

I mean, I'm gonna corner
the market, man.

Check out my new bitches.

-Hello, darling.
-Hi, sweetie.

-Hi.
-MAN: Love you.

Mmm-hmm.

Let's get some chicken
and waffles. My treat.

Oh. You sayin' the first thing
a brother wants when
he get out of prison

-is chicken and waffles.
-DEUCE: Oh, come on.

Hey, get your sheet cocks
back to work.

* Step right up
and don't be shy

* Because you will not
believe your eyes

* She's right here
behind the glass

* And you're gonna like her
'cause she's got class

* You can look inside
another world

* You get to talk
to a pretty girl

* She's everything
you dream about

* But don't fall in love

* She's a beauty

* She's one in a million girls

* She's a beauty

* Why would I lie?

* Why would I lie?

* But don't fall in love

* She's a beauty

* She's one in a million girls

* She's a beauty

* Why would I lie?

* One, two, three, four!

* I said no, no, never

* We don't go together

* Oh, I really couldn't
take anymore

* Now, it's two weeks later

* I feel such a traitor

* Oh, I let you
in my back door

* You're the one
who's creepin'

* Rough love's so deceivin'

* I said never again,
but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness

* You're my only weakness

* I said never again,
but here we are

* Now, I don't rush in

* I bite my lip
and let you know

* I really like the game
you play

I'd be better off without you

* But I can't live without you

* No, am I ever
gonna break away?

* Ooh, yeah

* You're the one
who's creepin'

* Rough love's so deceivin'

* I said never again,
but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness

* You're my only weakness

* I said never again,
but here we are

* Yeah

* I try to run,
but I don't get too far *

* 'Cause I can't let go
I can't take no more

* Boy, I want you so
Oh-Oo-Oh

* No, I can't let go
I can't take no more

* And I want you so
Oh-Oo-Oh

* One, two, three, four!

* You're the one
who's creeping

* Rough love's so deceiving

* I said never again,
but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness
You're my only weakness

* I said never again,
but here we are

* You're the one
who's creeping

* Rough love's so deceiving

* I said never again,
but here we are

* A pure, pure sweetness
You're my only weakness

* I said never again,
but here we are

* I said never again,
but here we are

* I told you never
to play your new guitar *