Descarrilados (2021) - full transcript

DERAILED

My mom eventually let me come,
but it's a miracle.

You know what she's like.

And my dad thought the world
was ending because of Y2K

and told my mother he's gay.

-I told you.
-Your dad is gay?

That's like saying Ricky Martin is gay.

Ricky Martin gay, can you imagine?

Hey, Roge...
Hi. I'm looking for a girl.

-What girl?
-You.

What are you doing?



Do you know how much oil,
dandruff and sweat builds up here?

We're going to spend a week
sleeping on rotten bunks,

-in parks, on the beach...
-Relax, I've got plenty.

Sandwiches: omelet with mayo
or baloney and cheese.

Baloney and cheese.

-Is it processed cheese?
-I think so.

It doesn't agree with me.
Give me the omelet.

Alright...

Are you having dinner?
I brought dessert.

-What?
-Not for you, right?

No way. On this trip I...

But they transport it up their butts.

Yes, but wrapped in plastic.

-Watch it.
-Or what? You dick!



-Lick it.
-Done.

Juan Luis, you lick it!

-Okay.
-We're going on a trip.

But...

Hey! Wait!

Juan Luis!

-Juan Luis.
-Fuck, Pepo.

I've got a case of diarrhea...
I think the mayo was off.

Roge!

I got tied up while I was asleep.
They took our backpacks!

Shit, shit, shit!
The tickets! The passports!

-The money, the clothes!
-My console!

-That's them! There they go!
-Look, that's them!

Those are our backpacks!

Hurry! Fucking thieves!

Fuck. Hey...
Don't leave me here, you bastards!

Thieves!

The backpacks!

Costa, get them!

-Did you get them?
-You idiot, am I holding them?

Don't talk to me like that.
It's not my fault.

Who was in the seats?
You should've been watching.

And where the fuck were you?

-Did you see them?
-Another smartass! Where were you?

I was sick,
the mayo was off.

Let's call the police
and get a pass for the trip.

The fucking trip is over!

All my savings
were in that backpack!

Where's Roge?

20 YEARS LATER

Yes, I've got two loaves.

No, not rye, my dear,
you know it gives me gas.

Yes, I'll get it now.

Yes, I'm here at the apples.

Gala or Fuji?

Is it so hard to choose apples?
I don't know, red apples.

This is why you're calling?
I'm working.

Last time I got Conference pears

and you said: "No, white pears."
You get me all mixed up.

Hey, why is the boy crying?
What did you do to him?

No, no...

Javier is asleep.
It's a mother near me.

Yes.

Put your brother's pacifier in.

That's got a lot of "E's".

-It only has two.
-And loads of sugar.

-Yes! Yum!
-No, sugar is bad.

No, broccoli is bad, sugar is good.

Did they teach you the difference
between "ser" and "estar" at school?

Yes: "sir" as in Elton John
and "star" as in Madonna, for example.

Rogelio, I can't hear you.

Rogelio,

I'm here. Hello!

Maybe we should talk about
the girl's bilingual school.

Her head's all mixed up.

I could teach her English at home.

I have a flair for languages.

Rogelio, accept it,
your English sucks.

And stop wasting my time,
I'm working.

I'm going, I've got a call.

Hello?

What's that?

Pepo... Eric and I were talking...

Can we talk?

Sure you can.
Sing, if you like.

No, we have to talk to you.

What's up?

Look, Pepo, it's exam time
and we're exhausted.

Have you tried Ritalin?
It's an upper, I take it for depression.

But it's good for everything.

No, no. It's just that
we didn't sleep a wink all night.

-All week.
-Because you study loads.

I like it, eh?

I was an academic failure,
but because I'm gifted.

No, we haven't slept
because of you,

you spend all night making...

noise, a lot of noise.

And you don't clean,
tidy up or pay your way!

Your rent's 3 months overdue
and we're not paying one more euro!

Good morning.

He says you're paying
for the service.

-Who does he think he is?
-Now we pay for the whore.

Sorry, madam.

She's not a whore!
She's my Portuguese teacher.

For travelling time, 10.
For hand job, 20.

Rim job, 35. Golden shower...

Okay, save the list.
Just give us the total.

Do you want an invoice?
I'd have to add sales tax.

Yeah?

Speaking.

Hello.

Careful!

Please...

If anyone sees a Chachapoya idol

outside a museum, we've had it.

Of course, sorry.

Could they get a bronze figure
from the Mochican culture?

I don't know,
the Mayan one was difficult.

The "Mochy" one,

that's pretty tricky,
and more expensive.

Yes, I understand.

Maybe next week
I'll have some news.

I have to go now.

Wait at least a year
before you show anyone,

or we'll be in big trouble.

Of course.

Fuck.

Fucking Chinese.

Jeez, two euros down the drain.

Really...

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Costa! Is that you?

-Pepo?
-Yes.

Shit, man.

Anyway, how's life?
What are you doing?

-I'm in a student flat.
-Oh, you rent...?

Yes, until they kick me out
for not paying, then I find another.

No, I mean to live.

Yes, to live, and it's my office.

I do reviews for videogames.

No one publishes them,
but I do them.

I also get State money.

-Oh, what for?
-For...

...stuff.

Fuck.

-It's wild about Juan Luis, eh?
-Yeah, it sucks.

Do you know how...?

No. You don't either, huh?

-No. No, no.
-We're a speck of dust.

-We are.
-Right.

I see you were told too.

Oh, fuck...

Roge, you look great,
very handsome.

Thanks a lot. You're...

...what you are.

Nothing to say about me?
Don't I look younger?

Yes, like Benjamin Button.

-Brad Pitt. I've been told that.
-You look fucking great.

Better than Juan Luis, at least.

-Yes, that's true.
-Who'd have thought?

-Do you know how it happened?
-We were just talking about it.

-How did it happen?
-That's just it, we don't know.

If you'll follow me, please.

Mr. Toledano wanted this notebook

to go directly into your hands.

And, as a last wish,

Mr. Toledano left this in writing:

-"I'd like my three..."
-Hold on.

Who's this Mr. Toledano?

Juan Luis. Who else?

Oh, sorry.

Juan Luis Toledano is the testator

and you are his legatees. Yes?

Juan Luis is the deceased
and we're the heirs to the book.

That's right. I'll read:

"I'd like my three best ex-friends,

Fernando Costa Leiva,
Rogelio Villar Copete

and José Palomar Rus,

to take the trip we didn't take
twenty years ago".

The Interrail trip.

That's a no. I have loads
of business going on

-and I can't leave.
-Me? Not even if I could.

If I don't have to buy
the ticket, I'm in.

Of course not.
Mr. Toledano foresaw this.

Here are your Interrail passes.

What a shame! They have
the names, you can't resell them.

Let's do it, guys!

If we haven't spoken
for 20 years, it's for a reason.

I agree. I could barely stand you
as teenagers, imagine now.

This is Juan Luis' revenge
for leaving him stranded.

What? Leaving him stranded?
Leaving him stranded?

-Look, Roge...
-Juan Luis?

You guys deserted me,
I wound up in Germany.

May I continue?

You're not obliged to take this trip.

I'm simply informing you
of Mr. Toledano's last wishes,

then you do as you wish.

The testator leaves you his fortune,

but wishes you to take
the trip outlined in this book.

Did you say "his fortune"?

The "toaster" was Juan Luis, right?

What sort of fortune
are we talking about?

It's...

600,000 euros.

I'll go on:
"Yes, guys, I won the lottery.

But I won it when
I was too sick to enjoy it

or waste it on trying to find a cure".

What about family?

"As you know, I'm an only child.

-My parents died and..."
-Oh, poor Conchi.

-She didn't like me at all.
-Hey, nobody likes you.

"...and I have no wife or children".

So...

We take the trip
and get 600,000 euros?

There are some points
to hear first, but yes.

-See? I knew there'd be...
-I'll read: "One..."

"...two, buckle my shoe!"

"I'd like all three to take the trip.

Two: You have to follow
the itinerary in the book.

Three: You publish a video
on the social networks

of every stage.

Four: You return to this office,

before 6 p.m. next Thursday,

when the deposit of
said amount will be made".

Hold on, next Thursday...
Is that next week?

Yes, maybe it's a bit rushed.

Well, Mr. Toledano took longer

than expected to expire

and that reduced the time
to take the trip.

Let's go, we need to get ready...

No, one moment.
"And five:

You have to take me with you".

Okay, yes.

Not me, no. Not me.

Holy shit!
200,000 euros each!

-And a free trip around Europe!
-I can perfect my languages!

We don't have much time.
Let's go home, grab our bags

-and straight to the station.
-No, no, no.

My wife can't find out.

If I tell her,
she won't let me go.

Your wife won't let you take
a trip to make 200,000 euros.

No. She will for the money,

and when I get it,
she'll divorce me and keep it all.

She hates me.
I don't know why.

Then divorce her today.

What? I can't,
I have to look after my kids.

Why do you think
she lets me live at home?

You know what a nanny costs?
I'm cheaper.

I don't know the deal with your wife,
but you're coming on this trip,

-even if it's by force.
-Do you want me to talk to her?

I'm not going, okay?

This money will end my marriage,
and my family's worth more...

-What are you doing?
-Roge,

when have you seen so much money?

It was our dear friend's wish,
and I loved him like a brother.

We have to respect the last wish
of Juan Luis Torrebejano.

-Toledano.
-Toledano.

How would we do it?

We're going.

Where the fuck have you been?

I have to take
the girl to judo now.

Hello. Is this the wife
of Rogelio Villar?

-I'm calling on behalf...
-What? I can't understand you.

-Are you drunk, or what?
-No, I'm saying...

-You sound like a Muppet.
-It's so she doesn't recognize me.

She's never fucking met you!

Stop being an idiot and come home.
I don't have all day.

You quiet! I speak to wife

of Roge... Rogelio Villar?

Yes, that's me.

Okay, my idiot husband
has lost his phone again.

He's the dumbest...

Shut mouth! You are bitch!

That is so rude!

We have kidnapped husband.

Do not call "pollies".

Kidnapped?

You won't get one euro from me.

Not one euro.

We no want money,

we want him for... sex slave.

We want him for eating balls
one week, more or less.

A week?
No, no, no. No.

I need someone to watch the kids.
You know what a nanny costs?

-Sure.
-Do not worry,

we will find solution.

And free.

There, all sorted.

Oh, really...

20 years ago I swore I'd never travel
with you guys again.

Breaking an oath for
600,000 bucks isn't so bad.

Okay, but it's minus what I spent
on clothes and the backpack.

We agreed on that,
so don't give me crap later.

-And Tiffany needs paying.
-If you'd taken Pepo's clothes...

As if I'd wear his jocks!

And don't complain,
I put up the expense money,

that's the first thing to subtract.

God, it's full of babes.
This is paradise.

For cradle-snatcher like you it is.

Look, look.

Hello. I'm looking for a girl.

Who? Your daughter?

"Daughter"? Whose daughter?

Go, there are people behind.

-Do I look like a dad?
-Ignore them. You look great.

A father, shit...

-Where?
-Those two.

So, lining the seat with plastic

didn't go so well, huh?

Don't push me too far, okay?

It was a joke.
Don't get so antsy.

A nice brewskie? We don't know
what we'll find later.

A joke? A joke?

Those crooks tied me to the seat
and you all left me there.

I wound up in Zurich alone,
no passport, no money.

Lucky my German's good, because...

I've got a gift for languages.
But as well...

They robbed us as well.

And we chased them.
No reason to stop talking...

Costa, you stopped talking to us too.

But you guys were
watching the backpacks.

-I had all my money in there.
-Mine too,

though it wasn't much.
But then I got the runs...

The mayo wasn't very...

-Did it agree with you?
-I shat myself!

As soon as we left the country
and I was shitting all the way!

I shat myself, yes.

The whole carriage had to leave,
it was so unbearable.

I was bound and laminated
for six hours,

seven by the time
the police got me out,

and two more from when
they hosed me down

to when I got locked up.

-Roge...
-Five years.

5 years with a psychologist
to get over the trauma.

And here I am again,
with you and the trauma.

All thanks to our dear
friend Juan Luis, his illness

and his 600,000 euros.

Sandwich anyone?

Here we are again,
just like 20 years ago.

Yes, but more knackered,
especially Juan Luis.

-I never made it, you bastards.
-Cut out the nostalgia.

Paris awaits us, the city of love.
Did you open an Instagram account?

Yes, and I blocked my wife
and anyone I know, just in case.

Good. Let's find the lockers,
leave our bags and get to it.

-Where do we have to go?
-The Eiffel Tower,

the Louvre and Notre Dame.
And enter at least one.

What a plan. It's for old folks.

-Tell that to your friend.
-Costa, it's an old folks plan.

This friend! He set it all up.

Another thing: Do I have to
carry this urn for the whole trip?

I'm surprised he said
we have to enter at least one.

Why not all three?

-Come on, come on!
-We've got time!

-Let's go!
-C'mon, go!

Guys, as an art expert,

I tell you,
this is a fucking marvel.

It's like the Segovia aqueduct,
but twice as big and with a roof.

Stay there, I'll video you.

Don't be mean.

Let's find a good interior,
to appreciate the beauty.

Now he's Spielberg.

Hurry up, this is as heavy
as a dead man.

You got that right.

I've got cramps in my arms
from carrying it, my God.

Fuck.

-Didn't the hunchback live here?
-Yes.

The French act all refined,
but this place is a mess.

There must be a strike.
They love strikes here.

If we dumped Juan Luis here,
he'd fit right in.

Aren't the ceilings too high
for a hunchback?

Look at these rose windows.

Amazing, so beautiful.

This is something else.

C'mon, let's do the video.

Fuck, that's gross.

-Shall we say something in French?
-Go on.

Alain Delon!

-Guys, it's closing up.
-Let's get to the station.

My phone's dead,
lucky we did the video.

A major fire is devastating

Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral,

firefighters at present unable
to stop the blaze...

Check out this generation:
Instead of fucking like mad,

they're hooked on their phones.

Speaking of phones,
I have to upload the video.

Hi. I'm looking for a girl.

Excuse me, may I sit down?

You already have.

Can I ask you a question?

-You've already asked me two.
-Damn.

How did you get to
the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre

and Notre Dame on the same day?

-Have you been following me?
-No.

No, I saw your photos.

Were you peeping over my shoulder?

-Are you a stalker?
-What? No. Please!

I was fixing my bag,
I looked over and...

-I'm kidding.
-Very funny.

Don't get mad. I'm Lisa.

Costa. Well, my surname's Costa.

My friends... You can call me...

Costa.

Costa.

I went to all those places...

-by being organized.
-But there were huge queues.

The queues are in the peak hours.

Weren't you guys organized?

Hey...

More or less.

ONLINE

HELLO. THEY LET ME WRITE TO YOU.
I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

Pepo, what do you do?
Do you have hobbies...?

Shit, I got killed!

-What did you say?
-Do you have any hobbies?

Yes, pinball. I love it.

Pinball is like life.

You're the ball, right?
You're born, you get launched,

you hit the bumpers,
which are life's problems,

which rate you,
because you learn from problems.

Then, just like you go up,
you go down

and through the fucking
hole of death.

Guys, tomorrow in Prague
we have to be more organized.

-Do we have to see lots of places?
-No, here it says the party zone.

That's Juan Luis for you!

Bastard. You can tell he went
the year before with his parents

and saw all the architectural gems:

Charles Bridge, wonderful,

the Clementinum,
the astronomical clock,

it's beautiful... Fuck you.

Do I have to carry
this urn all the time?

We could've left it in the locker.

Not "the urn". It's Juan Luis
and we're going call him that.

Okay, Juan Luis weighs a ton.

-That's better.
-So you're taking it today?

-Fuck that, after lunch it's your turn.
-But you'll lend me the straps?

-If you behave.
-Shall we get some bikes?

It'll take longer.
The rental place, the papers...

But the bikes are free,
like the scooters in Madrid.

-Costa, the scooters aren't free.
-Look, there are three!

Sure, look!
I'll take Juan Luis.

-Careful.
-Sure. Let's go!

C'mon, guys! Let's go!

Pepo, not so fast!

We could get a nice pint there.

No, pints are for English beer,
and we're in Prague.

How about we score some weed?

-Sounds great.
-Oh, yeah?

Where are you going to score weed?

-This isn't Amsterdam.
-Hello!

Spain-ish?

Spanish. Span-ish.

-What do you want?
-Me, Jaroslav.

I can sell you something

much better than the others sell.

Hold on.

-Look, Olaf.
-My name Jaroslav, not Olaf.

Alright, Jarolaf,
we're tourists, not assholes.

I've had enough
of bullshitters like you.

You thought:
"I'll rip off these Spanish suckers".

Well, you screwed up.

So, you want drugs, or not?

Olaf was a fucking star.

Here.

Here.

Hey, what's this?

What else? You ditz, Roge.
Magic truffles.

Magic truffles? Who are we,
Harry Potter? I wanted weed.

Who said there wasn't any?

I need a piss.

What are you doing?
That was for the whole trip.

He ate the...

Go on then.

Hello?

-Tina?
-Ma'am, it's for you.

-Who is it?
-Tina...

-It's Roge.
-Oh, wow.

Did they let you go or what?

No, but they let me call.

I think they're letting me go
on Thursday. No, Friday.

Tina?

Honey.

-Hello.
-Yeah, I'm here. What?!

I wrote to you yesterday and...

-you didn't answer.
-Oh, gee.

I went with Tiffany
and the kids to the movies.

But you were online.

I just told you,
we were at the movies.

Well, but...

Tiffany?

-Yes?
-Her massages...

We're about to do a Pilates class.
Your timing is terrible.

We'll talk later. Or tomorrow.

But I've been kidnapped!

Shit, you look terrible.
Did the truffle make you sick?

No, I'm fine.

Come on.

I know, the bathroom was gross,

and you remembered when
you shat yourself, right?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's Juan Luis.
Remembering him was a bummer.

-It's Tina.
-Tina Turner's dead?

What a shame!

I wanked so much over that woman.
My God, the memories,

in the living room, with my parents.

-You wanked in front of your parents?
-Yes, through my pockets.

I made a hole in my pants,
stuck my hand in...

I've wanked at funerals.

Tina is my wife!

So Tina Turner's still alive.
Just as well.

Do you miss her or what?

She doesn't miss me!

-Or Cris or Javier.
-Your lovers?

-My kids.
-Oh, you have kids?

You sent your friend
to take care of them.

-Apparently, she's better at it.
-I thought they were dogs.

I told you they were my kids.

Some assholes
call their dogs their "kids".

But kids are also called "kids" too.

Fuck, Roge.

Forgive me, man.
You know I'm an asshole.

-It's alright.
-I missed you.

And you. And this guy.

Actually, I've missed you guys
for twenty years.

I've never found
friends like you again.

I've never had any friends again.

Come here, fuck... Come on.

Thanks, man.

Alright, alright.

Let's party.

Guess who told me where
there's a fucking wild rave tonight?

-Who?
-Jaroslav?

My God!

Let's go.

Cool, huh?

But the guy ripped us off.
These truffles have no kick.

Maybe they're slow to come on.

I feel something,
but we have to keep it together,

we can't miss the train to Berlin.

No, we can't miss the train...

to Berlin, eh, Roge?

The ground is so soft.

Motherfucker!

Shit, Juan Luis,
why do you say that?

-I know what you want to do.
-Yeah? How do you know?

Because I'm a hallucination
in your fucking head, asshole.

-I know what you're thinking.
-What am I thinking now?

-About conning your friends.
-No, smart guy.

Instead of giving the notary
the account the three of us opened,

I'll give her mine
and keep all the money.

That's what I just said.

Come on, Costa.
You're a bastard and you know it.

They don't need the money, I do.

-You can't steal from your friends.
-Roge's wife was going to keep it.

What a bitch!

And Pepo would spend it
on whores and videogames.

I'll make some shit-hot investments
and live like a king.

Hello, Mr. King.

Holy shit.

What are you looking at?

Cover up, please... Tina!

So you're on a teenage trip

to keep the last wish of a friend
you haven't seen for 20 years.

Juan Luis. Now he's just dirt.

Yes, you know where Juan Luis is.

Now you need to find the other two.

And to get on the train
to Berlin tomorrow,

or you won't keep to the route.

You have to keep to the route.

Where are Roge and Pepo?

Tina...

Get down, Tina, listen to me.

Give me your phone
and I'll help you find them.

-Do you know the password?
-Yes.

Okay.

One,

one,

one...

One?

Please, get down.

Get down.

Tina.

Everyone's looking...

...at you, Tina!

-Look!
-Is that them?

There they are.

Okay.
I'll go find them.

Stay right here
in case they turn up.

-Are you alright?
-Yes.

Are you sure?

She's so pretty.

Shit, Juan Luis,

we can't miss the train to Berlin.

So soft...

Don't go so fast, I'm nauseous.

We'd better walk.

Fuck, my brain is scrambled.

How long have you been awake?

Eh, Roge?

Roge.

Roge.

Roge.

Roge.

Roge, don't shit me.

Fucking hell! You scared me.

FIVE MISSED CALLS

I was worried about you.

When I got back, you'd vanished.

Sorry, eh?

I don't remember much. Well...

nothing.

No wonder, Mr. Magic Truffle.

-So, did you find your friends?
-Yes, I found them.

I'm so happy.

I'd be happier if you'd told me,

I was looking for you
all night at the party.

I'm sorry.
I'm on the train with them.

-We're heading for Berlin.
-Really? I'm on the train too.

Why don't you buy me a pastry?
I'm in the café.

Sure, see you soon.

If you're in the same state
as yesterday, you're bound to

see me on a unicorn.

What a gal.

That's gross.

-Where are you?
-In the café.

I can't see you.

Shit! Shit!

Roge! Wake up!

-My head... Don't yell.
-Pepo! Wake up.

Pepo, c'mon, wake up.

What? Are we there already?

Yes, but I've got no
fucking idea where!

-Fuck...
-Transylvania!

Transylvania!

Wasn't this place made up?

Now what do we do?
We have to do the videos in Berlin.

No way, we'll lose a day.

Forget Croatia, forget Italy and...

No, forget the 600,000 "smackers".

I like this place,
it's all so ancient. It's cool.

It's my fault. Mea culpa.
I'm an asshole.

You being an asshole
isn't the reason we're here.

-No? Then you tell me.
-Alright, Costa, listen.

I haven't had a wild night
with buddies for 20 years.

I don't care about the hangover,
the blackout or my wife's apathy.

I even don't care
about Juan Luis' money.

Let's just have fun
for a few days. Cheer up.

I had a fucking ball yesterday,
I think, I don't quite remember.

Yes. Excuse me.

Hello.

-What did you do last night?
-I was in an arcade

and I beat the pinball record,
I think. What about you?

I thought I saw my wife
dancing half-naked.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why do you want to see
my wife dancing half-naked?

Just curious. I don't know her.

Sure, that makes sense.

Where do we have to do the videos?

-In Berlin.
-Fuck, in mean in what places.

The Wall and a sausage contest.

I'm a big sausage fan,
the huge ones look like dicks.

-Yes, the "boo-wursts".
-Those ones.

-And those German pastries.
-Yes, straddles.

By the way, would you rather

sit on a pastry and eat a dick

or eat a pastry and sit on a dick?

-Does the pastry have lactose?
-Will you stop talking about dicks

and focus on the trip?
Anywhere else on the list?

-No. The Wall and sausages.
-Wall and sausages.

Juan Luis knew that after Prague
we wouldn't do shit.

Guys, we're in Berlin.

It's not that complicated.

My friend is in Berlin,
at this sausage contest.

We'll video the atmosphere there

and finish with a jerky movement.

Then we start the video
with a movement like this.

We'll do a close-up eating sausages.
It'll look like we're in Berlin.

I don't get it.

Yes, your friend's very nice,
but it won't work.

Yes. She says there's this great app,
we can edit it in no time.

I've already downloaded it.

Look, the video just came.

Sure. Let's do it.

Boss, three...

-What's "sausages" in Rumanian?
-"Cheskaposka".

Three "cheskapaska".

"Cheskapaska"?

Cheskapaska.

You made that up, you dick.

When is your friend sending
the Berlin Wall video?

I didn't ask her in the end.

What the hell do we do?
Build a wall ourselves?

This'll be much easier, you'll see.

This way.

It's this way.

Alright...

Where the fuck
have you brought us?

-It looks like "Street Wanderers".
-No, more like "Cannibal Holocaust".

Do you think these people
survived the Holocaust?

-We're the ones that won't survive.
-Guys,

don't you see where we are?
Look.

Welcome to Berlin.
And its fucking Wall.

See? The Holocaust.

Funny guy.

-Guten Natch from Berlin.

-I'm not in the shot, man.
-Costa, look.

-See? I told you it'd look good.
-Yes, it's beautiful.

Now let's go before we're robbed,
raped, killed and eaten.

They can't rape me, I know how
to shut my butthole at will.

It's like a cigar cutter.

Can you check for the next train?

-Yes, it leaves at 4:30.
-In the afternoon?

-Yes, in the afternoon tomorrow.
-You're shitting me!

Now what the fuck to do we do?

Alright then.

-Look, they like the bat.
-Is it what I gave the dogs yesterday?

No, it's left over from last week,
they refused to eat it.

See how they're good people?
They're offering you their food.

-Take a bit, don't be mean.
-But God knows what it is.

It smells like dog,
and I didn't see any before.

If it is dog, it's fucking great.

It's gross.

Order this in a Spanish restaurant
and it'd cost an arm and a leg.

And nicely coated, very refined.

Look, they even eat the scum on top.

Poor guys, life must suck in
their country to immigrate here.

Pepo, want some more?

Don't feed the refugees,
they'll sneak in and take our jobs.

This isn't bad, eh?

-Are the spices from here?
-Scrumptious.

Romania is cool. And Romanians
are nicer than Czechs.

-It says the station's 2 km. away
-Move it.

We have to get to Rome tomorrow
and we're miles away.

2 km. isn't miles away.

I mean from Rome, asshole.

Wait, I'm going to buy
something for Juan Luis.

I'm so glad we're friends again.

I thought we'd end up
at each other's throats.

Especially after what happened
in Paris 20 years ago.

If Costa had done that to me,
we'd be at each other's throats.

-If he'd done what?
-What he did to you.

What did he do to me?

Look. What do you think?

GER-MANIA

I know if we were in Germany
it'd say "Dootchland", right?

-But this...
-You're a son of a bitch.

-It's not so bad.
-Piss off!

-What's wrong with him?
-What's wrong?

-Pepo told me everything.
-Told you what?

You tied me to the seat
and left me stranded,

not those fucking thieves.

-Hey, Roge...
-Fuck your "hey, Roge".

But, Roge, man...

That was a long time ago.

Okay, I screwed up, I'm sorry.
C'mon, we're almost there.

Are you throwing it all away
because of something 20 years ago?

No, you threw it all away.

-You were an asshole and you still are.
-Didn't you ever play sick jokes?

-No.
-No? Who drew a dick

in cream on my back in Ibiza?
I had the sunburn mark all summer.

-That was hilarious.
-And Juan Luis?

Who put a fish head in
the air conditioner in his room?

What a stink.
They had to change houses.

And when you made me think
that Pepo banged my grandma?

Well...

Okay, but you know the difference?
I never left you stranded.

-And what are you doing now?
-Telling you to piss off.

You're telling the money to piss off.

Oh, yeah?
Is that all you care about?

Why did you come
if it's not for the money?

To recover the friendship, asshole.

And relax,
you'll get your fucking money.

But every man for himself,
as it's always been.

Costa, that thing about
your grandma was crap.

I know. I didn't believe it.

Are we going or what?
Where's Roge?

I don't give a shit a about Roge.

What the fuck...?

No. No, we're fine.

We're on time.

No, hey, listen...

Before, we got the wrong country.
The country, wrong.

Now we're cutting it fine,

but it's all right, okay.

TODAY

MAN, SORRY ABOUT THE (SHIT)
AND LEAVING YOU STRANDED.

Remember the dance?
What was it?

FORGIVE ME, PLEASE

Sorry for calling you
"son of a bitch" and "asshole".

And I am for leaving you
stranded 20 years ago.

What do you smell of?

Partying.

No. Partying?

That's what we'll do in Rome.

Hey, Van Helsing!
How was Transylvania?

I don't know, I was in Berlin.

-Thanks for the video.
-I thought it was weird.

Tricking a dead man
is kind of absurd, right?

-Yes. No...
-You seem kind of weird too...

and absurd.

Thanks.

Why don't you have lunch with us?

No, I have things to do.

But we could have dinner...you and I.

Yes.

Right, lads, another round
of Amaretto. You're welcome.

Thanks a lot.

Guys, I'm calling my wife
to say I'm not going home.

But we won't get the money.

No. I'm going back to Madrid,
but not my house.

-Her house, it's in her name.
-Fuck her.

Besides, you'll have enough money
to live where you want.

From now on, together forever.

-Sure. Together!
-Together.

Waiter, how far is Bologna?

Bologna? Two hours by train.

-When time's our train tomorrow?
-9 o'clock.

Come on!

Cutie!

DINNER?

Man, we're still in Rome!
The other train's leaving!

-Why didn't you wake me?
-I was asleep.

Fuck! Where's Pepo? Pepo!

-Pepo!
-Pepo!

-Pepo.
-Pepo!

-It's leaving! Go, go!
-Find the key.

Where's the key?
I don't have it!

-The train's leaving!
-I don't have the key!

-See if this works!
-Pull it down! One, two...!

Fuck!

Never mind! Let's go!

C'mon! Go, go, Costa!

C'mon!

-Stop!
-Stop it!

Stop!

Hold on.

TAKE A BUS TO ANCONA.
MEET YOU AT PORT FOR FERRY.

-Let's go!
-Where to?

The ferry leaves in 15 minutes.

-At this rate, we won't make it.
-He's a slowpoke.

Relax, I'll talk to him.

Alright, sir...

Fuck!

He's had a heart attack!

Please, listen!
What happened?

Listen, please!

No, not now!

Let me. That's right.
Let me handle it!

Signore! Signore "driveri"!

Please "favore"! "Respondi"!

Signore, "respondi"!

-What did you do to him?
-He had an attack.

Lucky I'm here,
or we'd be dead.

-You can drive this?
-I'm the king of GTA.

This guy is dead!

They sure can scream.
And they talk about the Spanish!

-Pepo, step on it!
-We've got a dead guy here!

Then we can't do anything.
If we stop, we'll miss the ferry.

And if do, we lose the money.

What? We're doing it for
a dead man we know.

We don't even know his name.

-Giuseppe.
-What?

Giuseppe. It's on his badge.

Never mind.

Step on it, we might make it.

Shit! He's resuscitated!

Get it right!
Can you tell him to keep still?!

Giuseppe, Giuseppe,

don't "movere".

Alright, alright...

"Calmare", Giuseppe.
Relax, it's okay.

My uncle Pío
told me to become a priest...

Do we have to do this
in the daytime?

We'll get caught, Fabrizio.

Maybe Uncle Pío was right.

You'd be a priest
and you wouldn't be busting my balls now.

Here! Get to work!

If we do it at night, it looks like
we're hauling drugs.

But by day, it looks like
we're hauling fish.

No problem.

We are hauling drugs.

And fish. And fish.

Take it easy.

Yes, but...

Who'd believe we're hauling fish
in a boat like this?

We should've taken Dad's boat.

Dad's boat, no way!

-Go, we've got time!
-Go, go, go!

No! No!

-We'll get it!
-No! No!

-We missed it.
-I did my bit.

-Giuseppe was the slowpoke.
-Now what do we do?

Excuse me.

-Hi.
-Where are you going?

Good day. We be Spanish.

We take our friend to Split.

He dead.

You can take us to Split?

Please.

We give you much dough.

Here "dough" is for spaghetti.

That's true. True, true...

Dough, no. "Eurini".

Oh, "eurini", he says.

Shit, the cops!

You're the shit!

I didn't know that
my Italian was so good.

Wow, Italians are cool!

No wonder everyone fucks them.

I don't know about cool...
They left us with these stinky crates.

I like this smell,
it reminds me of Mrs. Amparo.

Let's help unload the crates,
since they lent us the boat.

Roge...

-Are you alright?
-Yeah.

-The water's nice.
-How about that GTA!

-Do I drop anchor?
-No.

Looks cool here.

Poor refugees!
Do you need a towel?

Fucking street vendors...
We don't want anything!

You need a hospital.

You speak differently to us,
you're ridiculous.

I think it's a welcoming.

-Hello.
-Yeah, right?

The Croats are more hospitable
than the Italians.

They just lent us a launch.
Don't generalize.

More hospitable than the French.

You got that right.

-What do we do now?
-Go to the Split Festival.

About time we did something
interesting on this trip.

-My friend Lisa booked a bungalow.
-I knew you'd eventually fuck her.

-No, the three of us.
-No threesomes, eh?

I'm not into "swordfighting".

-And I prefer older women.
-Pepo...

Let's go to the bungalow,
drop the bags and off to the festival.

I need a good shower.

I hope the bungalow is clean.

What's this fucking shit?

It's all that was left.
You two will be fine here.

"You two"? And you?

I'll try to stay with Lisa
in her caravan.

I knew you'd fuck her.

What? What's that look for?

We're not going to sleep anyway.

What happened to:
"from now on, together forever"?

But sometimes we need our space.

Exactly. That's what
we don't have: space.

I'm doing it so that
you have more space.

It smells like coconut,
but it's not bad.

No! You take your bag
to that girl's caravan.

It'll look too obvious.
I'll get it later.

-We won't fit with that in there.
-That's weird,

they left sheets,
but there are no beds.

I'm going to see my friend.
I'll see you around.

This is packed.
Do we find you by smell?

I could, but I'd rather use Wifi.

See you soon.

Hello, Julius Caesar. Come in.

We have one video left to do
and tomorrow we go back to Madrid,

mission accomplished.
I have to get the plane tickets.

-And that's it?
-That's it... what?

You've done everything
your friend asked.

Yes, everything.

And partly thanks to you.

I wanted...

to thank you for
what you've done for us

and what better way...?

-This music's cool.
-Yes.

And we have to hurry
if we want to see Guetta.

Costa.

Costa.

-Do you want to fuck?
-Fuck you?

No, in general.
Of course me, dickhead.

No. Yes.

I'm not trying to, but...

if you want to, I don't...

But have a shower first,
you stink to high heaven.

Okay. Where's the bathroom?

2nd floor, at the end on the right.

-Okay.
-No, idiot. They're outside.

Sure, yeah.

I'll be right back.

I've got her!

I don't understand.

Sorry, sorry!

Hail Caesar, those who are about...

YOU TOOK TOO LONG,
SEE YOU AT THE GIG, BIG KISS

Why isn't anyone wearing sheets?

I think the toga party
was just in the camping ground.

Anyway, the toga's comfortable.

You've got your balls in the air.

True. But people are treading on...

You too, huh?
My balls are hanging so low...

When I sit on the toilet,
they're like two teabags.

What? I meant the toga.

Where the hell is Costa?
I sent him the location ages ago.

I don't know, he'll turn up.

Guys, we have a problem.

-We've run out of money?
-It's over, over.

I tried to get some plane tickets
and...

Plane? No one said anything
about a plane. I can't fly.

How the fuck do we get
to Madrid on time?

-Are you scared of flying?
-No, of crashing, it's different.

Chill out,

I saved you a joint.

-Smoke it before you get on.
-No, we're not going anywhere.

There's no money, Pepo!

We'll get some money somehow.
Why don't you ask your friend?

That's right.

I thought about it,
but I wanted to ask you first.

I've got nothing.

I was broke at the start of the trip.

What are you looking at?
I told you, I'm broke.

I invested it all in this
fucking trip, and it's over.

If he hadn't spent
so much money on drugs...

No, I'm with Costa.
It was a great investment.

It is.

-What? I don't understand.
-Hold on.

Okay.

Yes.

He wants to buy some hash.

Yeah, yeah. 20 euros.

Fuck...

-'Bye, handsome.
-20 euros.

This will get us back to Madrid, huh?

I know!

-Marijuana.
-There's some left.

Hold on...

I forgot you put it in there.

Give it here.

Fuck, the...

Yes, fruit is like...

-He means "truffle".
-Exactly.

I was going to say that.

-How much cost?
-50.

Friend.

No, no. No, this is...

In a powder.

But it's expensive, eh?

It's very expensive.

Yes.

Wait. Just a moment.

Guys, guys...

-He wants to snort the ashes.
-Please, it's Juan Luis.

If he wants to snort Juan Luis, fine.

Juan Luis brought us here
and he can get us home.

-It's poetic justice.
-No, it's cannibalism.

-Or something like it.
-Got a better idea?

I thought not.
Did you bring that cling film?

No.

Well, yes.

Go to the tent
and make some gram bags.

-I'm not touching that.
-I'll make them

and you cut the plastic.

I'll take care of marketing,
it's my thing.

How are you?

This is enough to make it back,
and in first class.

We still have half of Juan Luis.

No way,
we're not selling any more.

When people don't get high,

-we'll be in hot water.
-What? They're so wasted,

they'll think Juan Luis is the best drug
they've ever had. How much is left?

-Alert! Alarm!
-Trouble?

-The cops are coming!
-No shit!

What?
We only sold our friend's ashes.

I knew it!

We've got our passports.

-Let's head for the airport.
-What about our stuff?

Are we going to lose it all
for some T-shirts and jocks?

Let's go!

What are you looking at? Let's go!

-We're getting on a plane like this?
-Like foreigners returning from Ibiza.

-Who are you calling now?
-Lisa.

I don't know what happened,
I had her in the bag.

I knew you'd never fuck her.

-Is that the cops?
-No, shit! It's a taxi!

-Taxi!
-Hey, taxi!

-Taxi, taxi.
-Here, here.

Let's go.

Shit!

How long to the airport?
Ask him.

Excuse sir, how time to airporti?

Airporto?

He doesn't understand.
Must be a local dialect.

Maybe you're speaking Italian
and we're in Croatia.

-That must be it.
-Relax, we've got time.

No, sorry,
the Madrid flight is closed.

Relax, Pepo, relax.

Can't you open up for a moment?
We've got no luggage.

Impossible, but...
there's another flight at 10.

The flight's four and a half hours.
We'll get there before 3.

-We can have lunch before the notary.
-Fantastic.

Yes, and these airlines
don't usually have delays.

Seriously?

No, I don't get it.
Are we flying alone or what?

It's weird that no one else is here.

Wasn't 36 our boarding gate?

That's what they panel said.

It did, but this says 66.

They're a riot.

Go, guys!

-It's that way!
-Go, go!

Sorry! Sorry!

-She says we're close.
-Sure, we're at the gate.

Closed.

No, no, no.

Roge, please, translate.
This is our friend Juan Luis.

Dame, please favore, this friend.

I understand you, not him.

Okay, forget it.

-Miss...
-Milady...

Forget it!

This is our friend.
He was a Hare Krishna

and his greatest wish
was to go to Spain today...

to see Nadal play.

Yes, and we're on a pilgrimage
to fulfil this wish.

Please, it's very important.
Peace.

-One moment, please.
-Yes.

Yes? Terrific. Thanks a lot.

-Passport.
-Oh, yes.

Here you go.

-C'mon!
-Let's go!

-Thanks, honey!
-Thank you.

We're not going to make it.

The last row. Fuck it.

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

We're going to die!
We're going to die!

We're going to die.

-We're not going to make it.
-Shit! Come on.

-We're not going to make it.
-Go, go, go.

Please remain seated
with your belts fastened...

-Sorry...
-...until the aircraft has stopped.

Thank you.

Sorry, we've got...

Sorry, sorry.

Where's Roge?

Roge!

Please, the aircraft hasn't stopped

Roge!

We're alive. Alive!
I'm coming!

Miss...

-Sorry, sorry.
-Please, gentlemen.

-Look, I've got the...
-One moment, please favore.

We're in a big hurry.

No, and what with the delay...

-Sorry. Sorry. Let's go.
-Get out! Go away!

-Where's the exit?
-I don't know!

C'mon!

-This way!
-Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

That way!

Let's go!

Go, go, go!

C'mon, go!

-Wait, wait!
-Up there!

-Notary León. 32, Serrano.
-You can't just jump in the taxi...

150 euros if you make it before 6.

Down Avenida de America
or O'Donnell?

Whatever the fuck you like,
but not a cent unless you make it.

-We're not going to make it!
-Yes, we will.

You think I can see a notary
looking like this?

Wait.

Let's go!

-We're going to make it!
-Go, Costa!

Go!

Go, go! It's almost time!

-Look out!
-Please! Please!

Go, go, go!

Gentlemen.

-Some water, coffee...?
-No.

It looks like we did it.
We fulfilled all the points.

-We uploaded all the videos.
-Right.

I'd go for some water.

Have you seen the videos?
Good, huh?

I'm not on the social networks.

You said the videos
were proof of the trip...

You wanted proof of the trip
for yourselves, no?

For us?

We know we did it.

-You needed proof.
-Me? No, I don't care.

Then why did we video all this?
Wasn't it obligatory?

I never said it was obligatory.

You didn't?

The points I read were
Mr. Toledano's last wishes.

I never said it was
his condition or imposition.

Take it easy, Pepo.

So, if we hadn't done the trip,
the money...

...would be deposited into
your account today,

as Mr. Toledano instructed.

Just a moment...

You said we had to be here
today before 6 o'clock.

I'm going on holiday,
otherwise it's a hassle.

I don't get it at all.
Do we have the money or not?

I've said it over and over. Yes.

-Alright!
-Okay!

Alright!

Great!

Then I'll give you the number
of the account we opened for...

No, no, that's not necessary.
I made the transfer this morning

to the Italian account
you sent to me last night.

-Last night?
-Last night.

Here's the receipt.

TRANSFER TO:
LISA NAVARRO BELTRÁN

No way.

Is everything alright?

I'm keeping all the money.

The notary will give us 600,000 euros

when we've done the trip.

What's the account number?

I'll give it to her on the last day,
when we arrive.

NOTARY
DELETE FOR ME

I can't concentrate.
It was all my fault.

I like women more than
an idiot likes pencils.

I never got that expression.
Idiots don't like pencils.

Whistles, maybe.

Relax, Costa,
it wasn't your fault.

Things just happen.

Thanks to all this,
I've finally left Tina.

You just called her before,
crying for her to forgive you.

-You said it: before.
-It was two minutes ago.

The Roge from the past was crying.
The Roge in the present

is happy he had this experience.

Hold on...

If you think about it,
we all got something out of it.

You managed to split up
with your wife, who hated you.

And you got the roommates
that you needed.

It's wild.
Next time let's do Route 66.

And I got back something I'd lost:

true friends.

Fuck the money.

From now on, together forever.

Together forever.

And I'm the one who's noisy.
Fucking hell!

-Police!
-Don't move! Police!

Don't move!

-Don't move!
-Tina! Tina!

I didn't do anything!

Arrested in this Interpol operation,

three dangerous members
of a terrorist cell

accused of starting
the Notre Dame fire,

the attack on the train in Rome

and the bus hijacking,
also in Italy,

as well as selling drugs

and other crimes against
public health all over Europe.

-It's a mistake! Please!
-The ringleader is suspected

to have financed it
with art forgeries.

Plus, these three individuals
boasted of their life of crime...

Look!

This one's great!

What do they want?

Eh, buddy?

Guten Natch from Berlin!

Costa... Look, Costa.

Alain Delon!

-Alain Delon!
-No, it's "Allen".

-Alain Delon! Alain Delon!
-It's "Allen", like...

Like it has an "e": "Allen" Delon.

-Alain Delon!
-Allen! Allen!

Alain Delon! Pepo, Pepo!

-Let's go!
-Pepo!

-Pepo, grab it!
-Okay, okay.

Pepo, are you alright?