Deep Murder (2018) - full transcript
This raunchy horror comedy delves deep into the story of a deranged killer as he slashes his way across a soft core porno. Who will last the longest as the stiffs pile up and the killer plows through his victims?
Oh, Doug, we should stop.
Someone's at the door.
Oh, come on.
Don't be such a tease.
I'm hard as a diamond right now.
And you know you
want it real good.
Oh god, it just feels so wrong
with my husband, your brother,
downstairs, and my son,
your nephew, down the hall
with his best friend,
and the babysitter,
my trusted employee, presumably
somewhere in the house.
That's what makes it so hot.
Now come on.
Let's get this thingy off.
And let me see those titties.
Let me see them.
Oh, touchdown!
Yo, Hugh.
Isn't it crazy that
we're going to college
in, like, a whole week?
I just hope I have
better luck there
than I did in high school.
Not with my studies, of course.
But with the ladies.
You can't go to
college a virgin.
You'll be toast.
You'll get laughed out
of every lecture hall.
Jace, I've tried.
But not everyone
can be the captain
of the varsity and junior
varsity football teams.
What about your
hot babysitter?
Oh, field goal.
Cool.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Hi, big boys.
Hope I'm not interrupting.
I just needed a break
from babysitting.
I'm not supposed to get off for
I don't know how many hours.
And I thought maybe we could
do something about that.
About to show
you how it's done.
Hey.
You know I'm a
quarterback, right?
That's how it's done.
Oh, you're a quarterback?
Lucky for you I'm a tight end.
I didn't know
you liked football.
What's your favorite team?
Mine's the Monterey Jambos.
Jace takes the handoff.
And he's going all the way.
I haven't been
touched in months.
It's so hard with my
husband, your brother, always
so busy with his
work, tax season.
No more talking.
No more talking.
No?
This is going to get nasty.
More noise.
Be louder.
Louder.
Oh, Doug.
That's it, yeah.
Oh, Doug.
Oh, you're so dirty, Doug.
Hope you're not planning
to just stare at it.
Only if you return the favor.
You're crazy.
Come here.
Hugh, get in on her.
Come on, Hugh.
Come here, man.
Ah!
Someone should
probably go get that.
You two have fun, though.
Be safe.
Mom, someone's
at the door.
Then answer it.
Mommy's busy.
- You're a bad mommy.
- Yeah?
You're a bad mommy.
You think I'm a bad mommy?
I think you're
the worst mommy.
Call social services.
Let's call them right now.
You're going to call
social services on me.
Yes, and
your final page
is coming through
on the fax now.
I am a very sophisticated
investor, sir.
Can someone get
the god damn door?
Sorry, dad.
I'm on it.
No, not you, Mr. Yakamoro.
There's a terrible
storm coming.
I'm Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
I'm a weather scientist.
A storm?
What do you mean, doctor?
Everyone in this town
was supposed to evacuate,
but now it's too late.
Hurricane Muff is
already upon us.
My whole family's
in this house.
I'm the son, Hugh Dangler.
We're all going to have to
hole up here until Muff passes.
So you're a real scientist.
I love science.
Really?
So do I. I should probably
get out of these wet clothes.
Maybe you can think of
a way to warm me up?
I'll go get you a towel.
I have rubbers in my JanSport.
Be right back.
Don't be long.
Too late.
I already am.
Oh!
I want you to make me
feel like a woman again.
I want you to stick your
finger in my butthole.
I'm going to go freshen up.
What?
Freshen up?
Why?
Things are about to get filthy.
Damn it, Hugh.
You choked again.
My dad was right.
I am a virgin.
Ah!
What the fuck is that?
I think he's dead!
Uncle Doug!
Uncle Doug, wa-- wake up!
What is happening?
Please, no.
Who are you?
I'm Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
I'm a weather scientist.
Oh my God, oh my God.
What is
all this racket?
Oh my God, look at that.
On my bed.
No.
Oh my God.
What do we do?
I don't know.
Is he dead?
I think he's dead.
I've never known
anyone who died before.
And on a $4,200 duvet.
Damn it.
Looks like I'm working
late again tonight.
What if we put his
blood back in him?
Yeah, that's
where blood lives--
inside of bodies.
I know one way to get a
man's blood pumping again.
Oh, honey, no.
Oh.
Honey, no, stop.
He's dead, all right?
What do we do now?
Do we fuck?
I don't think so.
I'm not
saying on the body.
We can fuck around the body.
We can fuck on the-- on
the side of the body.
We don't even have to be
in the same--
no one else has any ideas.
It's OK.
There are no bad
ideas in science.
Who the hell is this?
Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
You can call me Bunny Van Clit--
Dr. Bunny Van Clit,
Bunny for short.
I'm a weather scientist.
Maybe we should call someone.
My cousin, Orin,
lives down the street.
Like the police--
9-1-1.
Yeah, I know those numbers.
I'll do it.
Hello?
Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?
Jace!
Oh, oh, sorry.
I got to report a dead body.
Somebody died.
Somebody call
for a private Dick?
I'm Detective Brock Cross.
It was awful.
I went to go grab the lube--
And I'm here to work a case--
work it long, work it hard.
And whoever is guilty
is going to feel
the full force of the law.
Oh, shit.
No, why didn't anybody warn me.
Ow.
What, did this
come out of my belly?
Sorry about that.
I want you to know it had
nothing to do with the body.
I had a heavy lunch, and I think
I just went up those stairs
a little bit too fast.
It is my expert opinion that
that man up there is dead.
I believe he was murdered.
Murdered on purpose?
But who would do such a thing?
No one would be crazy enough
to venture out in this storm.
Which can mean only one thing.
The killer must be one of us.
The
killer must be one of us.
Gah.
Kid wants to be a detective.
Too bad only one of
us has a badge, hm?
What?
Damn it.
This isn't my coat.
What do we do now,
Detective Cross?
I have a Jansport
full of rubbers
if anybody's interested?
Shouldn't we try to figure
out what happened to Doug?
Sure.
How exactly do you
propose we do that?
Should I take you all up to
a room, grill you one by one
until the murderer
drops down to his knees?
Or her knees.
Jesus, you know
what, we're doing it.
You're first.
Come on.
Come on, fucker.
One question.
I want you to take your
time with this one.
You should get it right.
Did you kill this guy?
No.
Oh, well--
But I was downstairs in the
linen closet when I heard--
Whoa, I'm not your boyfriend.
I don't care about your day.
I swear I didn't do it.
I'm just an innocent
little babysitter.
Oh, my.
How long you been working here?
Maybe a couple
of days or months.
It's sort of hard to say--
years, probably.
What's that lollipop?
What is that?
Blueberry.
It's a blueberry.
Mm-hmm.
It's got to be.
If it's blue.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We're having fun.
Is anybody else cold?
I feel antsy.
I know what you mean.
I feel like I should
be doing science.
I feel like I should
be throwing home runs,
dunking on 'em, just
really dunking on 'em.
Maybe you guys should be
doing your things together.
And then, like, I'd walk
in, and you wouldn't see me,
but I'd be watching
you do your things.
And then I'd come over and
help you finish your things.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And Babs,
maybe you could join us
and teach us a thing or two.
It's a mother's job to
prepare her child for the world.
Are you OK, hon?
You didn't get stabbed, did you?
You could tell me if
someone stabbed you.
Mom, I'm fine.
Jeez.
Are you hungry?
You must have worked
up quite an appetite
with all that studying.
Nerd.
Virgin.
Love ya.
Is it really so
hard to keep quiet
while a man is trying to conduct
Asian business on the phone?
I can't believe I'm
this close to doing it.
Dick Danger doesn't
put his name--
So Babs, you're Hugh's mom?
Guilty.
Richard's my husband, and
Doug-- may he rest in peace--
was my husband's brother
who I was sleeping with.
Could
you please be quiet?
People.
This is stupid.
It's stupid.
Did your husband
know about Doug?
Goodness, no.
If he did, he'd kill us all.
- Fine, you got me, I did it.
- Yes!
Case closed.
Pharmaceuticals.
Of course.
Wait, what?
Excuse me, I'm on the phone.
One second.
Yeah, as I was saying, I did it.
I bought all the shares.
Risky, maybe, but
I believe pills
are the future of medicine.
Did you kill Doug?
Oh, I killed Doug.
You killed Doug.
No, in the deal I killed Doug.
Excuse me.
Sorry, I can't
seem to follow it.
Go ahead.
Department of
Underground Gaming--
DOUG.
Ever heard of it?
I've
never heard of it.
So DOUG's dead.
I killed him.
I stabbed him--
--in the heart about 15 times.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do it.
All right, you seem
like a cool dude.
And don't think you did it.
Thanks bro.
You, too.
So-- so can I go?
Oh, yeah, get
out of here, man.
Doug used to write me the
most wonderful love letters.
"Dear Babs, you filthy whore,
last night was amazing.
I know you're my brother's
wife, but like my hero, Cain,
from that story,
Cain and Abel, I
hope to one day smash
his head in with a rock
and make you my own.
Doug."
Such a sweetheart.
Sweetheart?
Whenever I was doing
homework with my busty tutor,
he'd come in and
French her butthole.
One time, at our
sexy hot tub party,
he held my head under water
for so long I got the bends.
It was all in good fun.
It was probably my idea.
According to the
laws of science,
it sounds like a lot of
you had issues with Doug.
Well I didn't, of course.
Never met him.
Didn't even know his last name.
He was a Dangler.
I spent two years banging
Doug Dangler in space.
I was a scientist in space, and
Doug Dangler was in space, too.
I loved him.
But when we returned,
as heroes, to Earth,
he left me for another woman.
And the worst part is, he
dumped me with a letter.
"Dear Dr. Bunny Van Clit,
you filthy space whore."
There's three people
you can talk to--
good cop, bad cop, and hot cop.
And I got news for you.
Good cop's home with
the flu, and bad cop
took the day off to
spend it with his kids,
because he's a bad cop,
but he's a hell of a dad.
You listen to me.
You are good-looking,
you're a hard worker,
you're going to get to
the bottom of this case.
Thank you very much.
Do you believe that?
Yeah.
You need to know
you're going to do it.
I know.
That's what hard.
You know what?
You just got a little--
Sometimes I
wanted to kill Doug.
Like y'all remember when I was
having sex there really hot,
short-haired pizza girl
and he ate out all the 'za?
Ooh, I was so miffed.
I threw like two
fumbles that night.
I
But you would never actually
kill someone would you?
Jace is a football
hero, not a killer.
It's not in his nature.
It would be like the babysitter
not being in the mood.
You know me.
I hate
to break it to you,
but you may not know each other
quite as well as you think.
You-- you're
literally the last person.
You really expect me to
believe that you didn't do it?
Well, I didn't.
But you should know
that a lot of people
down there seem to have
something against Doug--
myself included.
What do
you think you're doing?
I'm the detective here.
You're just a scientist.
I've won the Nobel Prize, the
Pulitzer, and the Ruby Scepter,
which you can only
win if you've already
won the Nobel and the Pulitzer.
It's very prestigious and
practically unheard of.
Right now, in this
house, all that means dick.
So stay in your lane and
let me do my goddamn job.
- I've got nothing.
- Aw, come on.
I'm sorry.
Honestly, I think I know
less now than I did before.
Because quite frankly,
I like all you guys.
And I hope that
none of you did it.
But Dr. Van Clit
said the murderer
must still be in the house
because of the storm.
Yes, the killer
could be any one of us.
It could even be me.
Oh my God, is it me?
No.
I thought it was
me for a second.
So we could all--
all be murderers?
That sounds like something
a murderer would say.
"That's
sounds like something
a murderer would say"
sounds something
like a murderer would say.
Stop.
We can't all go around pointing
fingers, saying that Jace did
it or Babs did it, or Babs did
it, or fucking Babs did it.
Babs did it.
I knew it was you, Babs.
I knew it was Babs.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I know we're all a
little bit worked up.
I just get so angry--
knowing that Babs did it.
If we're going to
get through this,
we have to learn to
trust each other.
And I think I know how.
Trust fall.
Oh, no.
Oh, stop.
Since the killer
is still on the loose,
I think the best thing to do
is to keep calm and stay put.
Oh my God.
That is so
unbelievably dumb, OK?
It's a big house.
We got to search for clues.
Jace, Babysitter, you
guys take the upstairs.
Come on.
All right,
all right, all right.
Listen, bozos, do whatever
the hell you want.
Dead brother or no dead brother,
I have investments to invest--
big, expensive, international
swap investments.
Great idea, Richard.
Search the office.
Nerd?
Dr. Van Clit and
I could pair up.
All
right, you two bookworms
take the first floor.
Babs, you are sticking with me.
I'll just be in
the kitchen preparing
Hugh's favorite meal--
food.
OK, you know what?
I think I'm going
to go with him.
Hugh.
Do you have a second, honey?
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
What?
I just--
I know today's been
a little scary,
and I wanted to see
how you're holding up.
OK, I guess.
You're so grown up.
I can't believe I'm old
enough to be your mother.
You're being weird.
Are you OK?
I haven't been a
very good parent.
I never helped you
with your homework.
I fucked a lot of your friends.
I'm going to be a better mom.
Don't you worry about
that erection, OK?
It's totally normal
for a growing boy.
I love you, son.
Nothing in the family room.
Nothing in the study.
Nope, not in the
walk-in closet either.
I can't believe Doug
is actually dead.
I've known him for
days, months even--
years, probably.
Yeah, he's dead as hell.
Wait, we shouldn't
be doing that.
We're supposed to be
looking for clues.
Come on, girl.
It'll be real quick.
I need this.
- What?
What about what I need?
Ew, what?
Just something feels off.
You need me to
light more candles?
No, it's
not the candles.
I just-- need some
time to think.
No, babysitter.
No, don't think, all right?
Thinking is-- it
gets in the way.
I never think.
I just do.
That's who I am, baby.
I-- I make the game-winning,
uh, putts, all the times,
right through the touchdown.
I bang prom queens.
And also, I take shower
with my teammates.
We're very naked and wet.
Do it in the water.
And that's what I do.
Because that's me.
I am Jace--
J-A-C-E.
You know you want it.
You get over here, girl, and
you grab my dick right here.
Jace, I don't think I do.
God, this sucks.
I've been having a
lot of big questions--
questions about things I've
never even thought of before.
Do bears dream?
Ooh, that's a lot of sodium
Remember, anything
could be a clue.
So make sure you
touch everything.
This must be Doug's room.
He was a sportsman.
Is that a zoo?
No,
it's still a real rhino.
When I was a zoo doctor, I
came to admire the animals--
their strength, their
instincts, their furry hands.
Find anything yet.
Oh, jeez.
No, not yet.
I think
I've got something.
Look at this.
It could be a clue.
"Thoughts by Doug.
Number one, I wish I
could see my own balls
when I'm fucking a girl.
I feel like I'm missing
out on something cool.
Number two, Jace is
not what he seems.
I found a weird--"
It says private.
Wait, what are you doing?
Hey, what's that?
Why would somebody throw
a tiny sword into a fire?
Maybe it's the murder weapon.
Well judging by the size of
the hilt, I'd say we're looking
for somebody under 3' 5".
How tall is Jace?
It's my mom's letter opener.
Babs.
Mm.
It's a little salty.
The next batch will be better.
The letter opener alone
doesn't prove anything.
What's your
hypothesis, Dr. Van Clit.
My hypothesis?
I guess a triangle--
a type of triangle.
The only triangle
here is a love triangle.
He jilted the old
lady, and she hired
some tiny little man
to climb up his body
and stab him in the heart.
Case closed-- thanks
to Dr. Vagina.
That
is not her name.
She's a Ruby-Scepter-winning
scientist,
and we're lucky to have her.
You know I won the Scepter?
Of course.
I read "Science
Weekly" every week.
I knew who you were
the moment I saw you.
Do you think standing up for
this broad makes you a big man.
Huh?
Is that what you think?
Think so?
Is that what you think, huh?
Big tough guy.
Do you have the
stones to cross Cross?
Finish the fucking job, huh?
Finish it.
Like mother, like daughter.
Because your mom's a killer,
and you're a little girl.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Get up.
What's wrong with you?
Don't look, Hugh.
It's rough stuff, man.
I think she's sick.
She's
been deep-throated.
What
the hell's going on?
Ah!
Open a window.
Clear the smoke.
We just had this room re-tiled.
Don't
open that, you fool.
Hurricane Ralph's due to
reach peak force any minute.
I told you Babs didn't do it.
I'm
still not ruling it out.
What do you mean?
She's dead.
Yeah, exactly.
It's the perfect alibi.
A dead person can't
be the killer.
And if we think
she's not the killer,
then she got away
with being dead.
So.
Oh my God, do
you know what this means?
Yeah, it means I got to
pay for two funerals-- two.
Ah, I need this shit like I
need a whole in my wife's head.
No, it means that we're
all trapped in a house
with a serial killer.
Everybody give me some space.
This is a crime scene.
I think I know what to do.
What are you doing?
Science.
What did you think
was going to happen?
Well, I added the
baking soda, didn't I?
And the vinegar.
Well, that's how it's
supposed to work.
Did we find the killer?
Ooh, that could be the killer.
Hey, got a report that thing's
are getting hot up in here.
Mind if I come--
in?
Yeah, dog, come on
here with that big hose
and put the fire out.
Jace, please, not right now.
Sorry, sir.
There's no fire here.
Who wants to stop,
drop, and roll in the hay
with a boner-fide fire guy?
Because I'm burning for you.
What the heck, man?
You just turned away a
perfectly good beefcake.
You've been acting really
weird ever since Doug died.
Are you hiding something, Jace?
Are you perhaps
not what you seem?
Virgin, what are
you talking about?
Did you kill my mom, Jace?
Did you kill my mommy?
My one mommy.
In the house, Jace.
You made her not my
mommy no more, Jace.
A real best friend wouldn't
ask me those questions.
You want me to give her
to me, my mommy, Jace?
This is Keith all over again.
Who's Keith?
That's my old best friend,
OK, before he started
asking me weird questions.
And nobody asks Jace,
the Jizz, big man,
no weird-ass questions.
I don't know why we didn't
question that fireman.
For all we know, he could've
been working with Babs.
Get it through
your thick skulls.
My wife is dead.
Dad, are you crying?
Yes.
Mr. Tamaguchi just called and
told me we closed the big deal.
Yes.
Does that include all of Asia?
Does that include China?
What do you think we
should do now, Dr. Van Clit?
Science dictates that we--
Why are you asking her?
Because I am the one
in the detective coat.
None of you take me seriously.
And you don't ask Detective
Brock, "the Cock,"
Cross weird questions.
Hugh, are you OK?
I don't think so.
Before we do anything
else, we should probably
move your mother's body--
out of respect.
Hugh,
can I tell you something?
Of course.
I'm a great listener, so I hear.
Something about
Detective Cross seems off.
What do you
mean, Dr. Van Clit?
Bunny, please.
Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
Maybe we shouldn't be
blindly following his lead.
Yeah.
I mean, you should be in charge.
Oh, I don't know about that.
You got your PhD from Big
State College University.
And your research on eruptions
revolutionized the way
people think about eruptions.
I-- I feel like my science
hasn't even been working.
Everyone has slumps.
The Jambos are 0
and 6 this season.
But my volcano didn't
even solve anything.
You'll figure it out.
What if I don't?
Maybe you should be
the one in charge.
I mean, it's your family
who keeps getting murdered.
No, I'm-- I'm--
I'm a nerd.
I can't be the--
you know, the guy, the one
telling everybody what to do.
I'm still a--
I've never had--
- --pasta?
--sex.
Oh, so that's why everybody
keeps calling you a virgin.
I'll let you in on
a little secret.
I used to be a virgin, too.
Trust me, sex isn't everything.
I may not have a
Ruby Scepter, Dr. Van Clit,
but even I know that's not true.
Come on.
Let's take your mind off it.
What do you say we go search
the house for more clues
before someone
else you love dies.
What, you here to
bust my balls too?
You trying to
give me a hard time?
Yo, you want to get physical?
Because I will drop trou right
now and knock your ass out,
bare ass cheeks and all.
Think I'm scared, Chachi?
Forget it.
You're just like
the rest of them.
I though you were cool.
I am cool.
I'm cool as hell.
I just so used to being
the star quarterback.
Now I feel like the star idiot.
This jacket used
to mean something.
Hey, come on.
Easy, easy.
I think know what'll
make you feel better.
Why don't you pull your
pants up and hit me.
I'm open.
I'm just sick of everybody
bossing me around, you know?
There you go.
It's like, how do they
know what Jace wants,
you know what I mean?
When Jace doesn't even
know what Jace wants.
Yeah, that was a good pass.
You know, next time, hit me
right in the numbers, right?
Right in the chest,
between the nips.
Good hustle.
Thank you.
I mean, do you have any
idea how many missing
pearl necklaces I've found?
The way these punks treat me,
it's like I'm still a rookie.
Absolutely, man.
I have layers.
I'm just a complicated
student-athlete,
you know what I'm saying?
Definitely.
Sometimes I feel like
walking off this whole case.
See how well they do when
the ace detective isn't
around to figure things out.
Don't sweat it, man.
We can't all be quarterbacks.
But you know, for
all they know, man,
like, I could be wearing
a mask this whole time,
and have, like, a different man,
like, inside of me, you know.
Just-- I mean, he's snug.
He's real snug in there.
But maybe it's time
that guy comes out.
Damn it.
Let me tell you this.
I want you to know, man to man,
that when you push that button,
you are burying me.
I got another call.
You got Dick.
Talk to me.
No, that-- you're
kidding, right?
OK.
You're not kidding.
How much oil?
The entire Gulf, huh?
No, no, don't tell me about
any kind of marine life.
Give a shit about that.
Tell me about barrels
lost, bottom fucking line.
Can you do that?
Good.
Call me back.
What?
Look, today's been
a goddamn nightmare.
Richard, your brother's dead.
Richard, your wife's dead.
Can't you see I'm on the phone?
I need to make money.
Every time I'm talking to
you bozos, I'm losing money.
Here's the deal.
If a shark stops making
money, it drowns.
I ain't going to drown, not yet.
So if you just stop
talking to me--
hang on, I gotta take this.
Yeah, talk to me,
Mr. Sega Dreamcast.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It has to be American, Steve.
I don't think there are
any children in this house.
Who have I been babysitting?
Wait, another one.
We've got some whale
blubber to sell.
Yeah.
It's going to be good.
It's been one of the
good things I had--
Dammit.
Can you hear me now?
Ah.
Oh, my back.
My strong American back.
I can't be Hugh's babysitter.
We're practically the same age.
Maybe there's a nursery.
Thanks for the shoes.
My feet were killing me.
I've always had big feet.
I've always
had small ones.
Now we need to move fast
before anyone else gets hurt.
Let's search the attic.
The attic really
freaks me out.
One time, I saw a bird in there.
I could check the basement.
Well, I'm not crazy
about splitting up.
But time is of the essence.
And Hugh-- try not
to get murdered.
There's nothing up here, Hugh.
It's just another bedroom.
Sorry!
Jesus Christ.
No.
Oh, God.
No.
No, no.
Help me.
Holy shit.
Ah, oh my God.
I can't survive this.
Oh, shit.
Somebody help me.
He's in the living room.
He's in the living room.
Help me.
Stop.
Stop it.
Stop.
Why is no one helping me?
Come on, boner, not right now.
You gotta go down.
Somebody.
Help me!
I'm in the hallway now!
I'm in the hallway!
Oh!
Fuck!
Ah!
Hello!
Come on!
Oh, Jesus!
Wait!
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Now, you are clearly upset.
Why don't we talk this out?
Tell me what's bothering you.
Ah!
Somebody help me.
Alley-oop, bitch!
Hugh!
You're scared away
the killer with your tackle!
I'll let nothing
happen to you.
Thank you.
I got stabbed twice!
Oh.
Uh, well, I only
see one wound, man,
but we could talk
about that later, OK?
Hugh, man, I'm sorry I
stormed off, all right?
I should've never
left you alone.
I never should
have accused you.
I've been going through a lot.
Oh, for real, man?
What's going on?
You got a bully at
school or something?
No, it's my mom's death
and this whole killer thing.
Yeah.
Look, man, you gotta
get up right now, OK?
We got him outnumbered.
Maybe we could take him.
Or her.
Let's get this shit
out your leg though.
- Yeah.
- Right?
All right, so I'm gonna--
I'mma go real slow and
twist it right out of there.
- OK.
- Just right out.
- Yeah.
- 1-- 1--
Yeah.
BOTH:
OK, I'mma pull
first, then twist.
Pull, twist!
OK, let's just-- put it in.
I think it's caught
in a bone, all right?
So I'mma go in
first, and then out.
No, no, no, no.
That didn't feel
good at all, huh?
Pray.
Pray.
Go!
God dammit!
A trail of glass.
There's more.
Yeah, let's check
this out right here.
It's a shower, man.
Respect the steam, brother.
What are you, an animal?
Jace?
Jace?
Jace?
Where are you?
Jace!
Oh, my god!
I got to-- I'll
get you something!
Ah!
Help!
Help!
Someone, please!
I've
been stabbed, man!
In the bladder!
- No, no!
There's piss and
blood everywhere.
I feel it, man!
Oh, my god!
It's a golden shower!
I'm scared.
I'm fucking scared, man.
No!
No, you're going to be fine.
You're in peak
physical condition.
Anybody else hear
all that scrambling around?
I think this place has raccoons.
Ah!
Shh--
Hey.
I have something to tell you.
For the last couple
of hours, I've
been doing a lot of
thinking with my head, where
my brain lives, and
it's always been
very easy for me to make
the game-winning slap-shot
to the field goal.
Nothing but net, home run.
But you know what's hard?
Do you know what's hard, Hugh?
Do you know?
What?
Do you know what's hard?
No.
Looking in the mirror and,
like, not knowing what you are
or what you want.
Please don't say
things like that.
I'm not afraid to die.
I just wish I had
more time, you know?
More time to be gay.
What?
Did I not pronounce it right?
I've never said it out--
out loud.
Ah, Jace, no.
No.
Don't worry, buddy.
Heaven's going to
be super great.
It'll be full of hot angels
for you to hug, and kiss, and--
ah, shit.
You know, I think he
died while I was talking.
I'm sorry if anybody else
wanted to say goodbye.
Time of death, right now.
What a day.
I mean, say what you will
about the whole situation.
I-- I think we're
making good progress.
I think you're an idiot!
Oh, go suck a test
tube, you witch!
Stop fighting!
That's just what the
killer wants, right?
Isn't it?
Does anybody know?
I'm sorry.
I am losing a lot of blood
for my double stab wound.
Ah!
Oh, well I only see one wound.
But I can work on it.
I was a nurse at
Saint Jesus' hospital.
When did I have time
for all those jobs?
We have to stop
playing by his rules.
Or hers.
Yeah.
But-- fine.
We know she's in the house.
We have seen her.
Or him.
We're going to set
a trap for the killer.
All we need is bait.
Ah, geez.
Hey!
Just the guy we need!
Oh, you can read.
Ah, that's what they
used to call me.
Got forced into
early retirement.
You never know you've peaked
until you're on your way down.
A trap's
a terrible idea.
We barely know what
we're dealing with,
and you want to serve one
of us up on a platter?
You trying to throw
me off the trail?
Huh?
The trail that leads to you?
God, we're all just a bunch
of ones and zeros to you,
aren't we?
- Real evidence will solve this.
Let's vote on it.
OK?
We either set an amazing trap.
It's going to be so much fun.
Or we search for clues, which
is going to be gross and boring.
Obviously, the two
of us can't vote.
Richard?
It's just you and me.
Alrighty.
Hugh?
Hugh, I may not be
the best scientist,
but I know he is
the worst detective.
Such a nasty woman.
Goddamn it.
I trust you'll
do the right thing.
Nerd, we are
getting picked off like flies.
So I need you to stop
being a little bitch,
or god help me,
I'm going to spank
your ass so hard you're going to
say, no, no, no, don't do that.
Don't speak my ass like
that because it hurts me.
- Detective Cross--
- What?
Yes!
This is unbelievable!
I will not be a part of this!
Goddamn it, Hugh!
Bunny, wait!
That's Dr. Van Clit to you!
Doctor Bunny Van Clit!
Bunny for short!
Dr. Bunny Van Clit!
Dr. Bunny!
Call me Bunny!
Van Clit!
All right.
Yay!
Low down, buddy!
Ah!
Too slow!
Let's do it!
Come on!
Hugh, come on!
Dad, you sure
you're fine being bait?
A man's got
to have a purpose.
This is all I'm good for now.
Ah, damn it.
Leave it.
Ah, Dad.
You're going to go bald.
Richard, we're going
to be hiding right
over there in that closet.
When he comes to kill
you-- and he will--
we're going to be on his ass.
Look, I like the collar,
but what's up with the straps?
Ran out of rope.
Well, why am I spread eagle?
How else are you
going to tie up a grown man?
Ah.
All right.
See you on the other side.
Hugh?
Hugh, come over here.
I've been thinking a lot
about mortality lately.
And my dear friend
Yakazuki recently
lost his mother to a Godzilla.
And I know I haven't
always been around.
And that's basically
because, well, sometimes I
forgot who the hell you were.
Not just for a few minutes--
I'm talking weeks.
Just about all of
1992, I thought you
were a friend your mother's.
Hm.
I'm not
saying this right, son.
The world is cruel.
I thought if I'd made enough
money, I could keep you safe.
But instead I made you soft.
Soon you're going to have
to fend for yourself, son.
And, frankly, I don't think
you'll be able to do that.
Prove me wrong.
Prove me wrong.
You're a Dangler.
Good, kid.
Loser.
But good kid.
There
must be a supply
closet around here somewhere.
Dr. Bunny
Van Clit, I was wondering
when you would arrive.
What is this place?
Tea?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
You shouldn't be
drinking in here.
This is a library.
Oh, my god.
You don't know, do you?
Jace is dead.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I always cared for him.
I hope he was able to
at least find peace
with who he was before he died.
You knew Jace was gay?
Jace was gay?
I just mean I hope his
passing was peaceful,
like in his sleep, instead
of, for example, being stabbed
in the bladder and bleeding
out on a cold floor in front
of his friends.
Is this where you've
been this whole time?
Au contraire.
I've been to the sands of
the Sahara, the snowy peak
of Kilimanjaro, and, for a brief
spell, in a town under a dome.
How?
The power of imagination.
Inside these books, I can
journey to any place or time,
without even taking
a single step.
I've learned so much.
Did you know it can be
both the best of times
and the worst of times?
Wow.
Hey, since you've
learned so much,
maybe you can help
us find the killer.
This is
not my purpose.
I've moved beyond this
house and the petty affairs
of its occupants.
There must be
something that you
can teach me that would help.
Maybe you learned
about criminology
or some scientific test?
The only test I read
about is something
called the Bechdel test.
What's that?
It's just a test for
whether or not a film contains
at least one scene
where there are
two female characters that have
a conversation about something
other than a man.
And--
No, that's it.
Well, that's so easy.
They just need to have names.
For example, Doctor
Bunny Van Clit and--
God, Babysitter!
I'm not sure if I can do this.
I feel like I have
this responsibility
to keep these people safe.
But I just don't know how!
Trust your instincts.
Like the animals!
- I
- believe the knowledge
you seek is in this room.
Teach me!
Guide me!
There is a section
on forensics.
It's right this way.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
And please keep your voice down.
This is a library.
This is it, Dangler.
Dick Dangler.
Bait.
It's come to this.
I know we haven't
always gotten along,
but I wanted to say
I'm glad we're working
together to try to solve this.
I want you to know
that before he died,
Jace said that I
was his best friend.
Not you.
He wanted you to know that.
Hm,
"Petrochemical Reactions
as Indexed by Combined Atomic
Weight, Third Edition."
All right, Bunny.
You can do this.
Hm.
Hm.
What am I missing?
Hm!
Dammit!
Hm, a footprint.
Gosh, I hope this works.
My god!
Science, you did it again!
Hey, killer!
I'm in here.
Oh, I
really want to get that.
No, we promised my dad we
would stay here and watch.
Oh, god, it's so boring!
Oh!
I always keep an extra
deck of cards in my coat.
Oh, goddamn it.
I keep forgetting
this isn't my coat.
Al's Big and Tall Alternations.
This isn't even my dry cleaner.
Why would Al give me this coat?
Wondering who's wearing my coat?
Oh, my god!
If it's a big and tall man,
if he stretches it, he'll--
Shut up!
Let's go!
We're going!
I don't give a shit.
Don't worry.
We have eyes on you 24/7.
We'll be right back, OK?
Come on.
Yeah.
Hey, are you boys hungry?
Because I got a piping hot
pie with extra sausage,
and a big old pepper.
- Is that a penis?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a penis.
Finally.
Oh, it's you.
Well, what
are you doing here?
What's that?
A sharp military knife?
What are you going to do?
Stab me?
You're not man enough or
woman enough to stab me!
Ugh!
That was good.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
What are you doing now?
Huh?
Stab me ag--
Oh!
Jesus, I've got to
tell you, I'm really
impressed with you right now.
I've got to tell you that.
OK.
All right.
You got the gravy to stick
that thing in me a third time?
Unlikely.
Oh!
What is this?
My blood?
What is this?
Let me see.
White light?
What are these images
flooding my mind?
Memories of my life?
Where am I?
Heaven?
OK.
Who's that?
Is that Elvis?
Elvis!
Son of a bitch.
Very disappointing.
No pizza.
No killer.
How do you catch a killer?
Ah, I got it.
To catch a killer, you got
to think like a killer.
I got an idea.
How long you been working
for the pizza company?
You're pretty hot for a nerd.
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
What the fuck, man?
Oh!
What the hell?
Here's what we've learned.
Here's what we've learned, huh?
We are looking
for a person who's
heart is beating
like a jackhammer
and apparently feels
more alive than he's
ever felt in his whole life.
That's who
we're looking for!
Wait!
Wait!
Did you hear that?
- Raccoons!
Dad!
Don't look, kid!
Oh, don't look!
He got fisted!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry!
At least we can all
agree this wasn't my fault.
What are you talking about?
You left the room!
You set the trap!
Don't you think I know that?
I fucked up, Hugh!
I don't know what I'm doing!
These aren't even my clothes!
It is one thing
to see your mother
and your best friend
brutally murdered!
But it is another
to see your mother,
your best friend, and your
father brutally murdered.
All those women!
They just wanted sex from me!
They didn't even care about
their missing jewelry!
I never made them proud!
I never made the team!
I never brought a girl home!
All my little shoes are Velcro!
Hugh, no lie.
You seem smart, and
cool, confident,
But I'm so scared of you.
I don't want to die.
I want to see anyone else die.
I'm just a little boy.
I can't do this.
I can't be here!
Send me to my room.
Don't leave me, Hugh!
Send me to my room!
Don't leave me
with these bodies!
Do it!
- Don't make me!
- You have to!
- Go to your room!
- I'm sorry!
Hugh!
No!
Oh, boy!
Ah!
Oh, shit!
Stupid!
Stupid baby!
I need service!
Who
are you kidding, Hugh?
You'll never be a Jambow!
There's something
I have to tell you!
Oh, Detective Cross?
I don't know anymore.
Where are
Richard and Hugh?
Dead.
They're all dead.
Oh, god!
Both of them?
Well, no.
Just Richard.
But Hugh locked
himself in his room
and he won't even talk
to me, his best friend.
I know we haven't
always seen eye to eye.
In fact, we've basically hated
each other from the get go.
I never hated you.
Well, I hated you.
What I'm trying
to say is, you've
been a terrible detective.
Why are you being so mean?
Just listen.
You've been a
terrible detective.
I've been a terrible scientist.
But I read a book.
And it taught me something.
Science!
I think I can actually
help us solve this thing.
But I can't do it alone.
So you're saying
if you can become
a better scientist,
then I can become
a better detect--
No.
No, no, I--
I don't think-- no.
You know, there's
really no reason
you should still be alive.
Your instincts are way off.
You keep hurting the people
you're trying to protect.
But you're still here!
That means something.
You're a survivor.
You're resilient.
You're strong!
I am strong.
Yes.
But I meant in more of a--
You're the strong guy.
Knock yourself out.
I don't think
there's one picture of me
without Bunny ears.
Hey!
What up, jive turkeys!
It's.
I've got a jive turkey dog.
Put it down!
Have a little fun!
Like this.
Woo!
I love Nixon!
Cigarettes are still in!
Strong!
Just like the USSR!
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
Ah!
It's OK.
Come on.
All right.
I like my dogs rough.
We're in the '80s!
We'll live here forever!
That's what I'm talking about.
Come on.
Get that thing out of my face.
Come on.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Eh!
Know
what I'm thankful for?
The stuffing--
DOUG :
--last night.
Oh.
5 PM?
Huh?
Well, how about I BM
all over that proposal?
Funny never sleeps!
You
know what I'm thankful for?
Is that criminal,
Nelson Mandela,
is in jail, where he belongs,
and he ain't ever getting out!
What the fuck, man?
Nelson Mandela is my hero.
Hey,
bro-ham, you want some--
you want some gravy?
- Uh, you sure?
- I'm fine.
Oh, what?
Oh.
Whoa!
Oh, oh, yeah!
How's that feel?
Huh?
No!
Oh, my god!
No!
Oh, my god!
No!
You coward.
Oh, don't forget to pour
some gravy all over these.
Oh, Merry
Christmas to Milli Vanilli!
Oh, they got the most
authentic song in the world!
will
never do no wrong!
Richard!
I forgot
to get your friends something.
Did you
know Richard got me a Miata?
Nice.
Good thing you didn't
get her a computer.
That Y2K thing is
happening, everybody.
Computers are such a hoax.
What a joke.
They're gone.
Who's been naughty
and who's been nice?
She put
mistletoe above her pussy!
You know that means!
You got to kiss it!
And I ain't kissing no pussy!
I'm a man.
Do you want a kiss?
I don't know.
Kiss her.
Don't be a fool.
Kiss her.
Don't be a fool.
Get up there.
Yeah.
Can we wrap this up?
We have Sugar Ray tickets.
Jace, enough.
Get out of here.
Come on.
Get out of here.
Enough.
C'mon.
C'mon.
C'mon.
Get out of here.
Come on.
Very good.
But I found something that I--
You point to anything else in
this room, and I will smash it.
Except for the
couch or the piano.
They look thick.
Anything else, I'll
smash it for you.
Why don't you
try smashing the shackles
of the proletariat?
Or shattering the glass ceiling
weighing down womankind?
Better yet, maybe rip the
veil from your own eyes.
Babysitter,
where have you been?
Where have I been?
Ask me instead,
where am I going?
Where are you going?
Woo!
Woohoo!
Let me
show you how this is done.
You ready?
OK.
Oh!
Oh, god.
It's amazing!
Oh, it's like he can hold
his breath for hours!
Oh!
No.
There's nothing
here for me anymore.
I'm leaving.
But what about the storm?
Did Ishmael fear the storm?
Did Captain Nemo?
Did James and his
disgusting peach boat?
- I
- have something right now.
Is that the turkey?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
Very good!
Oh, it feels good!
Oh, my god!
- I
- might kill someone someday.
What?
- I
- might kill someone someday.
What?
- I
- might kill someone someday.
I'm tired of being fucked.
I want to consummate.
I want to make love.
I want to be loved.
I wish you all just
the best of luck.
Babysitter!
I have a name!
A beautiful name!
I am Phyllis Gorman!
Ah!
Fuck it.
DETECTOR CROSS AND DR
BUNNY : Hello?
Is anyone there?
It's Dr. Van Clit!
Shit!
I mean, it's Detective Cross!
Is everyone all right?
I'm here to help.
Hugh!
There should be more
flashlights near the credenza.
Near the what?
The credenza.
Oh, the credenza.
OK.
I never should have
sided with Cross.
I should have trusted you.
It's OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm just glad
you're all right.
You, too.
Flashlights.
I don't think these
are going to work.
And I'm not scared anymore.
Well, actually,
I am very scared.
But I don't care.
I may always be a nerd, but
I don't have to be a coward.
I'm not going to back down
from what I know is right.
Oh!
Well,
maybe she made it out.
She wasn't a slut.
She was smart.
She was kind.
She was Phyllis Gorman.
I'm going to smash
the son of a bitch
who did this to Phyllis Gorman.
We need to take these
bodies off the bed.
What?
Guys, I need you to trust me.
I just wish you had said that
before we added another body.
Fine.
But only because I'm
your best friend.
OK?
- Yeah, man.
- OK.
Oh, my god!
Uncle Doug is the killer!
That's impossible!
He faked his own death.
But how?
He wasn't breathing!
A lifetime of eating box
underwater, that's how.
Why would he do it?
I don't know.
I guess girls like it?
It freaks me out.
- Yeah.
No!
Why is he killing everyone?
Oh, I don't know.
But we need to find
him before he finds us.
Great work, kid.
You've earned this.
Well, it's a big house.
How are we going to find him?
Hydrogen peroxide!
Whoa!
What the fuck?
Hydrogen
peroxide reacts with blood
in a really gross way.
But it led me out
of the bathroom
to a footprint I
found in the hall.
In examining these
footprints, I found
various trace chemicals,
notably alkali dust,
typically found in HVAC units.
Which tells me he's
been using the vents
and crawl spaces to get around
the house to avoid being seen.
I also found residue from honey
crest, a moss which only grows
on the west side of objects.
Hm.
Because of the
sun's angle of declination,
I knew that the
residue had to be
coming from the northwest
wing of the house.
You boys ready to do plung--
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out of here!
I'll stab ya!
We don't
need a plumber!
- We don't need that.
- I'm sorry.
- We're busy.
- I'm sorry.
We're busy!
And
the final chemical
detected in the footprint?
The C25H52.
What is that?
Candle wax.
The walk in closet has a window
on the northwest corner, lots
and lots of candles, and
it also happens to be
where all the vents converge.
Wow.
And you got that from
just a few footprints.
Science is pretty cool!
You don't have to tell me!
So what do we do now?
Now we wait.
It could take days, months even.
Years, even.
Oh!
You people could have killed me!
What's wrong with you?
We know it's you, Doug!
It's been you the whole time.
Yeah.
It's me, Doug.
And it's been me the whole time!
You were stabbed!
Yes!
Because I stabbed me!
Stabbed by me!
You'd be amazed at how
durable the human body
is when pushed to its limit.
Especially when it gets you off.
Why did you do it, Doug?
We're family!
Because I'm sick and
tired of being a Dangler!
Look at all of you!
Look!
With your boring ass
innuendo, and your mood
lighting, and your-- and your
banter, and your foreplay!
You people are all soft!
You're soft to your cores!
But not me.
I'm hard!
I'm hard core!
Oh, my gosh!
She's-- she's been
deep throated!
I've been stabbed, man!
There's piss and
blood everywhere!
It's a golden shower!
Ah!
He got fisted!
He got fisted!
Fisted!
You're sick, Doug!
You were sick in space,
and you're even sicker now!
I'm sick?
No, no, no no.
I'm the cure, OK?
I'm the vaccine that's going to
rid us all of the-- of-- of--
of this missionary love making.
No.
I'm the gagging.
I'm the choking.
I'm the pissing.
I'm the gaping anus.
I am the future!
We are not those people!
That's not what we do!
What are you talking about?
What-- what are you doing?
You-- you should all
be railing each other!
You two-- you two should
be tag teaming her!
If anything, we're having
less sex and talking a lot more!
I'm still a virgin.
Cross, arrest this man!
You want to dance?
Let's go.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Yeah.
You know you want it!
Oh!
Yeah!
Oh!
It's all heated lube!
Lube me up, baby!
It's out!
It's out!
Oh, oh!
I hate you!
Yeah!
Oh,
please don't tease me.
Shut up, Uncle Doug!
Hugh, he's getting in my head!
Please, stop!
Stop it!
Ah!
Ah!
Dr. Bunny Van Clit!
And Detective Cross too!
Ah, poor him!
Listen kiddo.
You don't have to do this.
You want to get laid?
You can find some skank
who's down to clown
in the back of my bang bus.
I want my first
time to be spec--
Ah!
Here!
Mom!
I don't give a shit
about some vibrator!
Ah!
God!
Fuck!
Ah!
Ah!
Bunny!
You want your first
time to be special?
Yeah?
Let's make some memories.
A little
amateur video, huh, Hugh?
Yeah.
If you're not going
to do it, I'll do
it for you, with you, as you!
Yeah.
Oh, look at this!
Bunny's trying to
get out of here!
Oh, bye-bye Bunny!
Whoa!
Bunny!
Let her go!
Bunny!
Come back!
The party's not over yet!
No one said
you could leave!
I'm sorry!
Hugh
I'm sorry!
Hugh!
Leave him alone!
I'm sorry!
Where are you going?
Oh!
No!
You know what?
Just pretend that
she's your sister!
No!
Oh, Doug, you know what would
make this fuckfest even better?
A quick bump.
- What?
Whoa!
What can I say?
I've always had a
thing for bad boys.
Oh, yeah.
Don't mind if I do!
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Oh!
What kind of blow is this?
What the hell?
Ah!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Crazy bitch!
I am strength!
Nerd virgin!
You don't have the--
He's dead!
It's over!
You killed him.
Or her.
Sure, but
you did it, Hugh.
No.
We did it.
We all survived this together.
I think
I'm going to make it.
We think you're
going to make it, too.
Yeah.
And guess what?
Guess what?
I fig--
I sol-- I solved it.
Yeah.
Doug did it.
No, no.
Not that.
There's a Fifth Street
and a Fifth Avenue.
My dry cleaners.
It's on Fifth Street.
And I dropped off the
coat on Fifth Avenue.
Cross?
Yeah, Hugh?
Ah!
I owed you one.
You sure did, buddy.
You sure did!
It's all on fire!
Wow.
Yeah.
I guess we make a
pretty good team.
Without you, I don't
think I would've made it.
It's strange.
Today was the first day I
felt like a real scientist.
And you, you were
so brave, the way
you crushed your uncle's skull.
Hugh?
You look so much better
with your glasses on.
No, I mean, you look like you.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
Now is the right time.
Uh, wait.
What's wrong?
I don't think I--
I want to.
- What?
Oh, no.
No, I-- I really,
really want to.
Just not right now.
Well, are you sure?
I know how much
this means to you.
It means a lot.
But I'm more than just a virgin.
I'm Hugh Dangler.
I can wait a little longer.
I know they couldn't
handle what a woman does.
What a woman does.
What a woman does.
But I'm the kind of man who
wants to fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
Fuck, you know I want
to fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
She's a warrior.
She's a warrior and you
can't handle the battle.
She's a warrior.
She's a warrior.
And you can't the power.
Blood on the battlefield.
Blood on the battlefield.
Blood on the battlefield.
Blood on the battlefield, baby.
Blood on the battlefield, baby.
Blood on the battlefield,
blood on the battlefield,
blood on the battlefield,
blood on the battlefield, baby.
Blood on the battlefield, baby.
I don't care if it's bloody,
girl, we still gonna fuck.
I know I got lucky, girl.
I don't give a fuck.
Now I know that you're
bleeding, but that
don't change my feeling.
My feeling is a-sealin'.
We still gonna fuck.
We're still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
We still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
We still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
We still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
'Cause I know the other guys
didn't respect your blood.
But I'm the kind of guy
who will respect your love.
I know they couldn't
handle what a woman does.
Couldn't handle it.
But I'm the kind of man who
wants to fuck-- wanna fuck
your blood-- your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Just fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
You know I wanna
fuck your blood.
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
You know I wanna
fuck your blood.
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you wonder why she's
not allowed to be herself?
Someone's at the door.
Oh, come on.
Don't be such a tease.
I'm hard as a diamond right now.
And you know you
want it real good.
Oh god, it just feels so wrong
with my husband, your brother,
downstairs, and my son,
your nephew, down the hall
with his best friend,
and the babysitter,
my trusted employee, presumably
somewhere in the house.
That's what makes it so hot.
Now come on.
Let's get this thingy off.
And let me see those titties.
Let me see them.
Oh, touchdown!
Yo, Hugh.
Isn't it crazy that
we're going to college
in, like, a whole week?
I just hope I have
better luck there
than I did in high school.
Not with my studies, of course.
But with the ladies.
You can't go to
college a virgin.
You'll be toast.
You'll get laughed out
of every lecture hall.
Jace, I've tried.
But not everyone
can be the captain
of the varsity and junior
varsity football teams.
What about your
hot babysitter?
Oh, field goal.
Cool.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Hi, big boys.
Hope I'm not interrupting.
I just needed a break
from babysitting.
I'm not supposed to get off for
I don't know how many hours.
And I thought maybe we could
do something about that.
About to show
you how it's done.
Hey.
You know I'm a
quarterback, right?
That's how it's done.
Oh, you're a quarterback?
Lucky for you I'm a tight end.
I didn't know
you liked football.
What's your favorite team?
Mine's the Monterey Jambos.
Jace takes the handoff.
And he's going all the way.
I haven't been
touched in months.
It's so hard with my
husband, your brother, always
so busy with his
work, tax season.
No more talking.
No more talking.
No?
This is going to get nasty.
More noise.
Be louder.
Louder.
Oh, Doug.
That's it, yeah.
Oh, Doug.
Oh, you're so dirty, Doug.
Hope you're not planning
to just stare at it.
Only if you return the favor.
You're crazy.
Come here.
Hugh, get in on her.
Come on, Hugh.
Come here, man.
Ah!
Someone should
probably go get that.
You two have fun, though.
Be safe.
Mom, someone's
at the door.
Then answer it.
Mommy's busy.
- You're a bad mommy.
- Yeah?
You're a bad mommy.
You think I'm a bad mommy?
I think you're
the worst mommy.
Call social services.
Let's call them right now.
You're going to call
social services on me.
Yes, and
your final page
is coming through
on the fax now.
I am a very sophisticated
investor, sir.
Can someone get
the god damn door?
Sorry, dad.
I'm on it.
No, not you, Mr. Yakamoro.
There's a terrible
storm coming.
I'm Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
I'm a weather scientist.
A storm?
What do you mean, doctor?
Everyone in this town
was supposed to evacuate,
but now it's too late.
Hurricane Muff is
already upon us.
My whole family's
in this house.
I'm the son, Hugh Dangler.
We're all going to have to
hole up here until Muff passes.
So you're a real scientist.
I love science.
Really?
So do I. I should probably
get out of these wet clothes.
Maybe you can think of
a way to warm me up?
I'll go get you a towel.
I have rubbers in my JanSport.
Be right back.
Don't be long.
Too late.
I already am.
Oh!
I want you to make me
feel like a woman again.
I want you to stick your
finger in my butthole.
I'm going to go freshen up.
What?
Freshen up?
Why?
Things are about to get filthy.
Damn it, Hugh.
You choked again.
My dad was right.
I am a virgin.
Ah!
What the fuck is that?
I think he's dead!
Uncle Doug!
Uncle Doug, wa-- wake up!
What is happening?
Please, no.
Who are you?
I'm Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
I'm a weather scientist.
Oh my God, oh my God.
What is
all this racket?
Oh my God, look at that.
On my bed.
No.
Oh my God.
What do we do?
I don't know.
Is he dead?
I think he's dead.
I've never known
anyone who died before.
And on a $4,200 duvet.
Damn it.
Looks like I'm working
late again tonight.
What if we put his
blood back in him?
Yeah, that's
where blood lives--
inside of bodies.
I know one way to get a
man's blood pumping again.
Oh, honey, no.
Oh.
Honey, no, stop.
He's dead, all right?
What do we do now?
Do we fuck?
I don't think so.
I'm not
saying on the body.
We can fuck around the body.
We can fuck on the-- on
the side of the body.
We don't even have to be
in the same--
no one else has any ideas.
It's OK.
There are no bad
ideas in science.
Who the hell is this?
Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
You can call me Bunny Van Clit--
Dr. Bunny Van Clit,
Bunny for short.
I'm a weather scientist.
Maybe we should call someone.
My cousin, Orin,
lives down the street.
Like the police--
9-1-1.
Yeah, I know those numbers.
I'll do it.
Hello?
Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?
Jace!
Oh, oh, sorry.
I got to report a dead body.
Somebody died.
Somebody call
for a private Dick?
I'm Detective Brock Cross.
It was awful.
I went to go grab the lube--
And I'm here to work a case--
work it long, work it hard.
And whoever is guilty
is going to feel
the full force of the law.
Oh, shit.
No, why didn't anybody warn me.
Ow.
What, did this
come out of my belly?
Sorry about that.
I want you to know it had
nothing to do with the body.
I had a heavy lunch, and I think
I just went up those stairs
a little bit too fast.
It is my expert opinion that
that man up there is dead.
I believe he was murdered.
Murdered on purpose?
But who would do such a thing?
No one would be crazy enough
to venture out in this storm.
Which can mean only one thing.
The killer must be one of us.
The
killer must be one of us.
Gah.
Kid wants to be a detective.
Too bad only one of
us has a badge, hm?
What?
Damn it.
This isn't my coat.
What do we do now,
Detective Cross?
I have a Jansport
full of rubbers
if anybody's interested?
Shouldn't we try to figure
out what happened to Doug?
Sure.
How exactly do you
propose we do that?
Should I take you all up to
a room, grill you one by one
until the murderer
drops down to his knees?
Or her knees.
Jesus, you know
what, we're doing it.
You're first.
Come on.
Come on, fucker.
One question.
I want you to take your
time with this one.
You should get it right.
Did you kill this guy?
No.
Oh, well--
But I was downstairs in the
linen closet when I heard--
Whoa, I'm not your boyfriend.
I don't care about your day.
I swear I didn't do it.
I'm just an innocent
little babysitter.
Oh, my.
How long you been working here?
Maybe a couple
of days or months.
It's sort of hard to say--
years, probably.
What's that lollipop?
What is that?
Blueberry.
It's a blueberry.
Mm-hmm.
It's got to be.
If it's blue.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We're having fun.
Is anybody else cold?
I feel antsy.
I know what you mean.
I feel like I should
be doing science.
I feel like I should
be throwing home runs,
dunking on 'em, just
really dunking on 'em.
Maybe you guys should be
doing your things together.
And then, like, I'd walk
in, and you wouldn't see me,
but I'd be watching
you do your things.
And then I'd come over and
help you finish your things.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And Babs,
maybe you could join us
and teach us a thing or two.
It's a mother's job to
prepare her child for the world.
Are you OK, hon?
You didn't get stabbed, did you?
You could tell me if
someone stabbed you.
Mom, I'm fine.
Jeez.
Are you hungry?
You must have worked
up quite an appetite
with all that studying.
Nerd.
Virgin.
Love ya.
Is it really so
hard to keep quiet
while a man is trying to conduct
Asian business on the phone?
I can't believe I'm
this close to doing it.
Dick Danger doesn't
put his name--
So Babs, you're Hugh's mom?
Guilty.
Richard's my husband, and
Doug-- may he rest in peace--
was my husband's brother
who I was sleeping with.
Could
you please be quiet?
People.
This is stupid.
It's stupid.
Did your husband
know about Doug?
Goodness, no.
If he did, he'd kill us all.
- Fine, you got me, I did it.
- Yes!
Case closed.
Pharmaceuticals.
Of course.
Wait, what?
Excuse me, I'm on the phone.
One second.
Yeah, as I was saying, I did it.
I bought all the shares.
Risky, maybe, but
I believe pills
are the future of medicine.
Did you kill Doug?
Oh, I killed Doug.
You killed Doug.
No, in the deal I killed Doug.
Excuse me.
Sorry, I can't
seem to follow it.
Go ahead.
Department of
Underground Gaming--
DOUG.
Ever heard of it?
I've
never heard of it.
So DOUG's dead.
I killed him.
I stabbed him--
--in the heart about 15 times.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do it.
All right, you seem
like a cool dude.
And don't think you did it.
Thanks bro.
You, too.
So-- so can I go?
Oh, yeah, get
out of here, man.
Doug used to write me the
most wonderful love letters.
"Dear Babs, you filthy whore,
last night was amazing.
I know you're my brother's
wife, but like my hero, Cain,
from that story,
Cain and Abel, I
hope to one day smash
his head in with a rock
and make you my own.
Doug."
Such a sweetheart.
Sweetheart?
Whenever I was doing
homework with my busty tutor,
he'd come in and
French her butthole.
One time, at our
sexy hot tub party,
he held my head under water
for so long I got the bends.
It was all in good fun.
It was probably my idea.
According to the
laws of science,
it sounds like a lot of
you had issues with Doug.
Well I didn't, of course.
Never met him.
Didn't even know his last name.
He was a Dangler.
I spent two years banging
Doug Dangler in space.
I was a scientist in space, and
Doug Dangler was in space, too.
I loved him.
But when we returned,
as heroes, to Earth,
he left me for another woman.
And the worst part is, he
dumped me with a letter.
"Dear Dr. Bunny Van Clit,
you filthy space whore."
There's three people
you can talk to--
good cop, bad cop, and hot cop.
And I got news for you.
Good cop's home with
the flu, and bad cop
took the day off to
spend it with his kids,
because he's a bad cop,
but he's a hell of a dad.
You listen to me.
You are good-looking,
you're a hard worker,
you're going to get to
the bottom of this case.
Thank you very much.
Do you believe that?
Yeah.
You need to know
you're going to do it.
I know.
That's what hard.
You know what?
You just got a little--
Sometimes I
wanted to kill Doug.
Like y'all remember when I was
having sex there really hot,
short-haired pizza girl
and he ate out all the 'za?
Ooh, I was so miffed.
I threw like two
fumbles that night.
I
But you would never actually
kill someone would you?
Jace is a football
hero, not a killer.
It's not in his nature.
It would be like the babysitter
not being in the mood.
You know me.
I hate
to break it to you,
but you may not know each other
quite as well as you think.
You-- you're
literally the last person.
You really expect me to
believe that you didn't do it?
Well, I didn't.
But you should know
that a lot of people
down there seem to have
something against Doug--
myself included.
What do
you think you're doing?
I'm the detective here.
You're just a scientist.
I've won the Nobel Prize, the
Pulitzer, and the Ruby Scepter,
which you can only
win if you've already
won the Nobel and the Pulitzer.
It's very prestigious and
practically unheard of.
Right now, in this
house, all that means dick.
So stay in your lane and
let me do my goddamn job.
- I've got nothing.
- Aw, come on.
I'm sorry.
Honestly, I think I know
less now than I did before.
Because quite frankly,
I like all you guys.
And I hope that
none of you did it.
But Dr. Van Clit
said the murderer
must still be in the house
because of the storm.
Yes, the killer
could be any one of us.
It could even be me.
Oh my God, is it me?
No.
I thought it was
me for a second.
So we could all--
all be murderers?
That sounds like something
a murderer would say.
"That's
sounds like something
a murderer would say"
sounds something
like a murderer would say.
Stop.
We can't all go around pointing
fingers, saying that Jace did
it or Babs did it, or Babs did
it, or fucking Babs did it.
Babs did it.
I knew it was you, Babs.
I knew it was Babs.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I know we're all a
little bit worked up.
I just get so angry--
knowing that Babs did it.
If we're going to
get through this,
we have to learn to
trust each other.
And I think I know how.
Trust fall.
Oh, no.
Oh, stop.
Since the killer
is still on the loose,
I think the best thing to do
is to keep calm and stay put.
Oh my God.
That is so
unbelievably dumb, OK?
It's a big house.
We got to search for clues.
Jace, Babysitter, you
guys take the upstairs.
Come on.
All right,
all right, all right.
Listen, bozos, do whatever
the hell you want.
Dead brother or no dead brother,
I have investments to invest--
big, expensive, international
swap investments.
Great idea, Richard.
Search the office.
Nerd?
Dr. Van Clit and
I could pair up.
All
right, you two bookworms
take the first floor.
Babs, you are sticking with me.
I'll just be in
the kitchen preparing
Hugh's favorite meal--
food.
OK, you know what?
I think I'm going
to go with him.
Hugh.
Do you have a second, honey?
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
What?
I just--
I know today's been
a little scary,
and I wanted to see
how you're holding up.
OK, I guess.
You're so grown up.
I can't believe I'm old
enough to be your mother.
You're being weird.
Are you OK?
I haven't been a
very good parent.
I never helped you
with your homework.
I fucked a lot of your friends.
I'm going to be a better mom.
Don't you worry about
that erection, OK?
It's totally normal
for a growing boy.
I love you, son.
Nothing in the family room.
Nothing in the study.
Nope, not in the
walk-in closet either.
I can't believe Doug
is actually dead.
I've known him for
days, months even--
years, probably.
Yeah, he's dead as hell.
Wait, we shouldn't
be doing that.
We're supposed to be
looking for clues.
Come on, girl.
It'll be real quick.
I need this.
- What?
What about what I need?
Ew, what?
Just something feels off.
You need me to
light more candles?
No, it's
not the candles.
I just-- need some
time to think.
No, babysitter.
No, don't think, all right?
Thinking is-- it
gets in the way.
I never think.
I just do.
That's who I am, baby.
I-- I make the game-winning,
uh, putts, all the times,
right through the touchdown.
I bang prom queens.
And also, I take shower
with my teammates.
We're very naked and wet.
Do it in the water.
And that's what I do.
Because that's me.
I am Jace--
J-A-C-E.
You know you want it.
You get over here, girl, and
you grab my dick right here.
Jace, I don't think I do.
God, this sucks.
I've been having a
lot of big questions--
questions about things I've
never even thought of before.
Do bears dream?
Ooh, that's a lot of sodium
Remember, anything
could be a clue.
So make sure you
touch everything.
This must be Doug's room.
He was a sportsman.
Is that a zoo?
No,
it's still a real rhino.
When I was a zoo doctor, I
came to admire the animals--
their strength, their
instincts, their furry hands.
Find anything yet.
Oh, jeez.
No, not yet.
I think
I've got something.
Look at this.
It could be a clue.
"Thoughts by Doug.
Number one, I wish I
could see my own balls
when I'm fucking a girl.
I feel like I'm missing
out on something cool.
Number two, Jace is
not what he seems.
I found a weird--"
It says private.
Wait, what are you doing?
Hey, what's that?
Why would somebody throw
a tiny sword into a fire?
Maybe it's the murder weapon.
Well judging by the size of
the hilt, I'd say we're looking
for somebody under 3' 5".
How tall is Jace?
It's my mom's letter opener.
Babs.
Mm.
It's a little salty.
The next batch will be better.
The letter opener alone
doesn't prove anything.
What's your
hypothesis, Dr. Van Clit.
My hypothesis?
I guess a triangle--
a type of triangle.
The only triangle
here is a love triangle.
He jilted the old
lady, and she hired
some tiny little man
to climb up his body
and stab him in the heart.
Case closed-- thanks
to Dr. Vagina.
That
is not her name.
She's a Ruby-Scepter-winning
scientist,
and we're lucky to have her.
You know I won the Scepter?
Of course.
I read "Science
Weekly" every week.
I knew who you were
the moment I saw you.
Do you think standing up for
this broad makes you a big man.
Huh?
Is that what you think?
Think so?
Is that what you think, huh?
Big tough guy.
Do you have the
stones to cross Cross?
Finish the fucking job, huh?
Finish it.
Like mother, like daughter.
Because your mom's a killer,
and you're a little girl.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Get up.
What's wrong with you?
Don't look, Hugh.
It's rough stuff, man.
I think she's sick.
She's
been deep-throated.
What
the hell's going on?
Ah!
Open a window.
Clear the smoke.
We just had this room re-tiled.
Don't
open that, you fool.
Hurricane Ralph's due to
reach peak force any minute.
I told you Babs didn't do it.
I'm
still not ruling it out.
What do you mean?
She's dead.
Yeah, exactly.
It's the perfect alibi.
A dead person can't
be the killer.
And if we think
she's not the killer,
then she got away
with being dead.
So.
Oh my God, do
you know what this means?
Yeah, it means I got to
pay for two funerals-- two.
Ah, I need this shit like I
need a whole in my wife's head.
No, it means that we're
all trapped in a house
with a serial killer.
Everybody give me some space.
This is a crime scene.
I think I know what to do.
What are you doing?
Science.
What did you think
was going to happen?
Well, I added the
baking soda, didn't I?
And the vinegar.
Well, that's how it's
supposed to work.
Did we find the killer?
Ooh, that could be the killer.
Hey, got a report that thing's
are getting hot up in here.
Mind if I come--
in?
Yeah, dog, come on
here with that big hose
and put the fire out.
Jace, please, not right now.
Sorry, sir.
There's no fire here.
Who wants to stop,
drop, and roll in the hay
with a boner-fide fire guy?
Because I'm burning for you.
What the heck, man?
You just turned away a
perfectly good beefcake.
You've been acting really
weird ever since Doug died.
Are you hiding something, Jace?
Are you perhaps
not what you seem?
Virgin, what are
you talking about?
Did you kill my mom, Jace?
Did you kill my mommy?
My one mommy.
In the house, Jace.
You made her not my
mommy no more, Jace.
A real best friend wouldn't
ask me those questions.
You want me to give her
to me, my mommy, Jace?
This is Keith all over again.
Who's Keith?
That's my old best friend,
OK, before he started
asking me weird questions.
And nobody asks Jace,
the Jizz, big man,
no weird-ass questions.
I don't know why we didn't
question that fireman.
For all we know, he could've
been working with Babs.
Get it through
your thick skulls.
My wife is dead.
Dad, are you crying?
Yes.
Mr. Tamaguchi just called and
told me we closed the big deal.
Yes.
Does that include all of Asia?
Does that include China?
What do you think we
should do now, Dr. Van Clit?
Science dictates that we--
Why are you asking her?
Because I am the one
in the detective coat.
None of you take me seriously.
And you don't ask Detective
Brock, "the Cock,"
Cross weird questions.
Hugh, are you OK?
I don't think so.
Before we do anything
else, we should probably
move your mother's body--
out of respect.
Hugh,
can I tell you something?
Of course.
I'm a great listener, so I hear.
Something about
Detective Cross seems off.
What do you
mean, Dr. Van Clit?
Bunny, please.
Dr. Bunny Van Clit.
Maybe we shouldn't be
blindly following his lead.
Yeah.
I mean, you should be in charge.
Oh, I don't know about that.
You got your PhD from Big
State College University.
And your research on eruptions
revolutionized the way
people think about eruptions.
I-- I feel like my science
hasn't even been working.
Everyone has slumps.
The Jambos are 0
and 6 this season.
But my volcano didn't
even solve anything.
You'll figure it out.
What if I don't?
Maybe you should be
the one in charge.
I mean, it's your family
who keeps getting murdered.
No, I'm-- I'm--
I'm a nerd.
I can't be the--
you know, the guy, the one
telling everybody what to do.
I'm still a--
I've never had--
- --pasta?
--sex.
Oh, so that's why everybody
keeps calling you a virgin.
I'll let you in on
a little secret.
I used to be a virgin, too.
Trust me, sex isn't everything.
I may not have a
Ruby Scepter, Dr. Van Clit,
but even I know that's not true.
Come on.
Let's take your mind off it.
What do you say we go search
the house for more clues
before someone
else you love dies.
What, you here to
bust my balls too?
You trying to
give me a hard time?
Yo, you want to get physical?
Because I will drop trou right
now and knock your ass out,
bare ass cheeks and all.
Think I'm scared, Chachi?
Forget it.
You're just like
the rest of them.
I though you were cool.
I am cool.
I'm cool as hell.
I just so used to being
the star quarterback.
Now I feel like the star idiot.
This jacket used
to mean something.
Hey, come on.
Easy, easy.
I think know what'll
make you feel better.
Why don't you pull your
pants up and hit me.
I'm open.
I'm just sick of everybody
bossing me around, you know?
There you go.
It's like, how do they
know what Jace wants,
you know what I mean?
When Jace doesn't even
know what Jace wants.
Yeah, that was a good pass.
You know, next time, hit me
right in the numbers, right?
Right in the chest,
between the nips.
Good hustle.
Thank you.
I mean, do you have any
idea how many missing
pearl necklaces I've found?
The way these punks treat me,
it's like I'm still a rookie.
Absolutely, man.
I have layers.
I'm just a complicated
student-athlete,
you know what I'm saying?
Definitely.
Sometimes I feel like
walking off this whole case.
See how well they do when
the ace detective isn't
around to figure things out.
Don't sweat it, man.
We can't all be quarterbacks.
But you know, for
all they know, man,
like, I could be wearing
a mask this whole time,
and have, like, a different man,
like, inside of me, you know.
Just-- I mean, he's snug.
He's real snug in there.
But maybe it's time
that guy comes out.
Damn it.
Let me tell you this.
I want you to know, man to man,
that when you push that button,
you are burying me.
I got another call.
You got Dick.
Talk to me.
No, that-- you're
kidding, right?
OK.
You're not kidding.
How much oil?
The entire Gulf, huh?
No, no, don't tell me about
any kind of marine life.
Give a shit about that.
Tell me about barrels
lost, bottom fucking line.
Can you do that?
Good.
Call me back.
What?
Look, today's been
a goddamn nightmare.
Richard, your brother's dead.
Richard, your wife's dead.
Can't you see I'm on the phone?
I need to make money.
Every time I'm talking to
you bozos, I'm losing money.
Here's the deal.
If a shark stops making
money, it drowns.
I ain't going to drown, not yet.
So if you just stop
talking to me--
hang on, I gotta take this.
Yeah, talk to me,
Mr. Sega Dreamcast.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It has to be American, Steve.
I don't think there are
any children in this house.
Who have I been babysitting?
Wait, another one.
We've got some whale
blubber to sell.
Yeah.
It's going to be good.
It's been one of the
good things I had--
Dammit.
Can you hear me now?
Ah.
Oh, my back.
My strong American back.
I can't be Hugh's babysitter.
We're practically the same age.
Maybe there's a nursery.
Thanks for the shoes.
My feet were killing me.
I've always had big feet.
I've always
had small ones.
Now we need to move fast
before anyone else gets hurt.
Let's search the attic.
The attic really
freaks me out.
One time, I saw a bird in there.
I could check the basement.
Well, I'm not crazy
about splitting up.
But time is of the essence.
And Hugh-- try not
to get murdered.
There's nothing up here, Hugh.
It's just another bedroom.
Sorry!
Jesus Christ.
No.
Oh, God.
No.
No, no.
Help me.
Holy shit.
Ah, oh my God.
I can't survive this.
Oh, shit.
Somebody help me.
He's in the living room.
He's in the living room.
Help me.
Stop.
Stop it.
Stop.
Why is no one helping me?
Come on, boner, not right now.
You gotta go down.
Somebody.
Help me!
I'm in the hallway now!
I'm in the hallway!
Oh!
Fuck!
Ah!
Hello!
Come on!
Oh, Jesus!
Wait!
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Now, you are clearly upset.
Why don't we talk this out?
Tell me what's bothering you.
Ah!
Somebody help me.
Alley-oop, bitch!
Hugh!
You're scared away
the killer with your tackle!
I'll let nothing
happen to you.
Thank you.
I got stabbed twice!
Oh.
Uh, well, I only
see one wound, man,
but we could talk
about that later, OK?
Hugh, man, I'm sorry I
stormed off, all right?
I should've never
left you alone.
I never should
have accused you.
I've been going through a lot.
Oh, for real, man?
What's going on?
You got a bully at
school or something?
No, it's my mom's death
and this whole killer thing.
Yeah.
Look, man, you gotta
get up right now, OK?
We got him outnumbered.
Maybe we could take him.
Or her.
Let's get this shit
out your leg though.
- Yeah.
- Right?
All right, so I'm gonna--
I'mma go real slow and
twist it right out of there.
- OK.
- Just right out.
- Yeah.
- 1-- 1--
Yeah.
BOTH:
OK, I'mma pull
first, then twist.
Pull, twist!
OK, let's just-- put it in.
I think it's caught
in a bone, all right?
So I'mma go in
first, and then out.
No, no, no, no.
That didn't feel
good at all, huh?
Pray.
Pray.
Go!
God dammit!
A trail of glass.
There's more.
Yeah, let's check
this out right here.
It's a shower, man.
Respect the steam, brother.
What are you, an animal?
Jace?
Jace?
Jace?
Where are you?
Jace!
Oh, my god!
I got to-- I'll
get you something!
Ah!
Help!
Help!
Someone, please!
I've
been stabbed, man!
In the bladder!
- No, no!
There's piss and
blood everywhere.
I feel it, man!
Oh, my god!
It's a golden shower!
I'm scared.
I'm fucking scared, man.
No!
No, you're going to be fine.
You're in peak
physical condition.
Anybody else hear
all that scrambling around?
I think this place has raccoons.
Ah!
Shh--
Hey.
I have something to tell you.
For the last couple
of hours, I've
been doing a lot of
thinking with my head, where
my brain lives, and
it's always been
very easy for me to make
the game-winning slap-shot
to the field goal.
Nothing but net, home run.
But you know what's hard?
Do you know what's hard, Hugh?
Do you know?
What?
Do you know what's hard?
No.
Looking in the mirror and,
like, not knowing what you are
or what you want.
Please don't say
things like that.
I'm not afraid to die.
I just wish I had
more time, you know?
More time to be gay.
What?
Did I not pronounce it right?
I've never said it out--
out loud.
Ah, Jace, no.
No.
Don't worry, buddy.
Heaven's going to
be super great.
It'll be full of hot angels
for you to hug, and kiss, and--
ah, shit.
You know, I think he
died while I was talking.
I'm sorry if anybody else
wanted to say goodbye.
Time of death, right now.
What a day.
I mean, say what you will
about the whole situation.
I-- I think we're
making good progress.
I think you're an idiot!
Oh, go suck a test
tube, you witch!
Stop fighting!
That's just what the
killer wants, right?
Isn't it?
Does anybody know?
I'm sorry.
I am losing a lot of blood
for my double stab wound.
Ah!
Oh, well I only see one wound.
But I can work on it.
I was a nurse at
Saint Jesus' hospital.
When did I have time
for all those jobs?
We have to stop
playing by his rules.
Or hers.
Yeah.
But-- fine.
We know she's in the house.
We have seen her.
Or him.
We're going to set
a trap for the killer.
All we need is bait.
Ah, geez.
Hey!
Just the guy we need!
Oh, you can read.
Ah, that's what they
used to call me.
Got forced into
early retirement.
You never know you've peaked
until you're on your way down.
A trap's
a terrible idea.
We barely know what
we're dealing with,
and you want to serve one
of us up on a platter?
You trying to throw
me off the trail?
Huh?
The trail that leads to you?
God, we're all just a bunch
of ones and zeros to you,
aren't we?
- Real evidence will solve this.
Let's vote on it.
OK?
We either set an amazing trap.
It's going to be so much fun.
Or we search for clues, which
is going to be gross and boring.
Obviously, the two
of us can't vote.
Richard?
It's just you and me.
Alrighty.
Hugh?
Hugh, I may not be
the best scientist,
but I know he is
the worst detective.
Such a nasty woman.
Goddamn it.
I trust you'll
do the right thing.
Nerd, we are
getting picked off like flies.
So I need you to stop
being a little bitch,
or god help me,
I'm going to spank
your ass so hard you're going to
say, no, no, no, don't do that.
Don't speak my ass like
that because it hurts me.
- Detective Cross--
- What?
Yes!
This is unbelievable!
I will not be a part of this!
Goddamn it, Hugh!
Bunny, wait!
That's Dr. Van Clit to you!
Doctor Bunny Van Clit!
Bunny for short!
Dr. Bunny Van Clit!
Dr. Bunny!
Call me Bunny!
Van Clit!
All right.
Yay!
Low down, buddy!
Ah!
Too slow!
Let's do it!
Come on!
Hugh, come on!
Dad, you sure
you're fine being bait?
A man's got
to have a purpose.
This is all I'm good for now.
Ah, damn it.
Leave it.
Ah, Dad.
You're going to go bald.
Richard, we're going
to be hiding right
over there in that closet.
When he comes to kill
you-- and he will--
we're going to be on his ass.
Look, I like the collar,
but what's up with the straps?
Ran out of rope.
Well, why am I spread eagle?
How else are you
going to tie up a grown man?
Ah.
All right.
See you on the other side.
Hugh?
Hugh, come over here.
I've been thinking a lot
about mortality lately.
And my dear friend
Yakazuki recently
lost his mother to a Godzilla.
And I know I haven't
always been around.
And that's basically
because, well, sometimes I
forgot who the hell you were.
Not just for a few minutes--
I'm talking weeks.
Just about all of
1992, I thought you
were a friend your mother's.
Hm.
I'm not
saying this right, son.
The world is cruel.
I thought if I'd made enough
money, I could keep you safe.
But instead I made you soft.
Soon you're going to have
to fend for yourself, son.
And, frankly, I don't think
you'll be able to do that.
Prove me wrong.
Prove me wrong.
You're a Dangler.
Good, kid.
Loser.
But good kid.
There
must be a supply
closet around here somewhere.
Dr. Bunny
Van Clit, I was wondering
when you would arrive.
What is this place?
Tea?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
You shouldn't be
drinking in here.
This is a library.
Oh, my god.
You don't know, do you?
Jace is dead.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I always cared for him.
I hope he was able to
at least find peace
with who he was before he died.
You knew Jace was gay?
Jace was gay?
I just mean I hope his
passing was peaceful,
like in his sleep, instead
of, for example, being stabbed
in the bladder and bleeding
out on a cold floor in front
of his friends.
Is this where you've
been this whole time?
Au contraire.
I've been to the sands of
the Sahara, the snowy peak
of Kilimanjaro, and, for a brief
spell, in a town under a dome.
How?
The power of imagination.
Inside these books, I can
journey to any place or time,
without even taking
a single step.
I've learned so much.
Did you know it can be
both the best of times
and the worst of times?
Wow.
Hey, since you've
learned so much,
maybe you can help
us find the killer.
This is
not my purpose.
I've moved beyond this
house and the petty affairs
of its occupants.
There must be
something that you
can teach me that would help.
Maybe you learned
about criminology
or some scientific test?
The only test I read
about is something
called the Bechdel test.
What's that?
It's just a test for
whether or not a film contains
at least one scene
where there are
two female characters that have
a conversation about something
other than a man.
And--
No, that's it.
Well, that's so easy.
They just need to have names.
For example, Doctor
Bunny Van Clit and--
God, Babysitter!
I'm not sure if I can do this.
I feel like I have
this responsibility
to keep these people safe.
But I just don't know how!
Trust your instincts.
Like the animals!
- I
- believe the knowledge
you seek is in this room.
Teach me!
Guide me!
There is a section
on forensics.
It's right this way.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
And please keep your voice down.
This is a library.
This is it, Dangler.
Dick Dangler.
Bait.
It's come to this.
I know we haven't
always gotten along,
but I wanted to say
I'm glad we're working
together to try to solve this.
I want you to know
that before he died,
Jace said that I
was his best friend.
Not you.
He wanted you to know that.
Hm,
"Petrochemical Reactions
as Indexed by Combined Atomic
Weight, Third Edition."
All right, Bunny.
You can do this.
Hm.
Hm.
What am I missing?
Hm!
Dammit!
Hm, a footprint.
Gosh, I hope this works.
My god!
Science, you did it again!
Hey, killer!
I'm in here.
Oh, I
really want to get that.
No, we promised my dad we
would stay here and watch.
Oh, god, it's so boring!
Oh!
I always keep an extra
deck of cards in my coat.
Oh, goddamn it.
I keep forgetting
this isn't my coat.
Al's Big and Tall Alternations.
This isn't even my dry cleaner.
Why would Al give me this coat?
Wondering who's wearing my coat?
Oh, my god!
If it's a big and tall man,
if he stretches it, he'll--
Shut up!
Let's go!
We're going!
I don't give a shit.
Don't worry.
We have eyes on you 24/7.
We'll be right back, OK?
Come on.
Yeah.
Hey, are you boys hungry?
Because I got a piping hot
pie with extra sausage,
and a big old pepper.
- Is that a penis?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a penis.
Finally.
Oh, it's you.
Well, what
are you doing here?
What's that?
A sharp military knife?
What are you going to do?
Stab me?
You're not man enough or
woman enough to stab me!
Ugh!
That was good.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
What are you doing now?
Huh?
Stab me ag--
Oh!
Jesus, I've got to
tell you, I'm really
impressed with you right now.
I've got to tell you that.
OK.
All right.
You got the gravy to stick
that thing in me a third time?
Unlikely.
Oh!
What is this?
My blood?
What is this?
Let me see.
White light?
What are these images
flooding my mind?
Memories of my life?
Where am I?
Heaven?
OK.
Who's that?
Is that Elvis?
Elvis!
Son of a bitch.
Very disappointing.
No pizza.
No killer.
How do you catch a killer?
Ah, I got it.
To catch a killer, you got
to think like a killer.
I got an idea.
How long you been working
for the pizza company?
You're pretty hot for a nerd.
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
What the fuck, man?
Oh!
What the hell?
Here's what we've learned.
Here's what we've learned, huh?
We are looking
for a person who's
heart is beating
like a jackhammer
and apparently feels
more alive than he's
ever felt in his whole life.
That's who
we're looking for!
Wait!
Wait!
Did you hear that?
- Raccoons!
Dad!
Don't look, kid!
Oh, don't look!
He got fisted!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry!
At least we can all
agree this wasn't my fault.
What are you talking about?
You left the room!
You set the trap!
Don't you think I know that?
I fucked up, Hugh!
I don't know what I'm doing!
These aren't even my clothes!
It is one thing
to see your mother
and your best friend
brutally murdered!
But it is another
to see your mother,
your best friend, and your
father brutally murdered.
All those women!
They just wanted sex from me!
They didn't even care about
their missing jewelry!
I never made them proud!
I never made the team!
I never brought a girl home!
All my little shoes are Velcro!
Hugh, no lie.
You seem smart, and
cool, confident,
But I'm so scared of you.
I don't want to die.
I want to see anyone else die.
I'm just a little boy.
I can't do this.
I can't be here!
Send me to my room.
Don't leave me, Hugh!
Send me to my room!
Don't leave me
with these bodies!
Do it!
- Don't make me!
- You have to!
- Go to your room!
- I'm sorry!
Hugh!
No!
Oh, boy!
Ah!
Oh, shit!
Stupid!
Stupid baby!
I need service!
Who
are you kidding, Hugh?
You'll never be a Jambow!
There's something
I have to tell you!
Oh, Detective Cross?
I don't know anymore.
Where are
Richard and Hugh?
Dead.
They're all dead.
Oh, god!
Both of them?
Well, no.
Just Richard.
But Hugh locked
himself in his room
and he won't even talk
to me, his best friend.
I know we haven't
always seen eye to eye.
In fact, we've basically hated
each other from the get go.
I never hated you.
Well, I hated you.
What I'm trying
to say is, you've
been a terrible detective.
Why are you being so mean?
Just listen.
You've been a
terrible detective.
I've been a terrible scientist.
But I read a book.
And it taught me something.
Science!
I think I can actually
help us solve this thing.
But I can't do it alone.
So you're saying
if you can become
a better scientist,
then I can become
a better detect--
No.
No, no, I--
I don't think-- no.
You know, there's
really no reason
you should still be alive.
Your instincts are way off.
You keep hurting the people
you're trying to protect.
But you're still here!
That means something.
You're a survivor.
You're resilient.
You're strong!
I am strong.
Yes.
But I meant in more of a--
You're the strong guy.
Knock yourself out.
I don't think
there's one picture of me
without Bunny ears.
Hey!
What up, jive turkeys!
It's.
I've got a jive turkey dog.
Put it down!
Have a little fun!
Like this.
Woo!
I love Nixon!
Cigarettes are still in!
Strong!
Just like the USSR!
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
Ah!
It's OK.
Come on.
All right.
I like my dogs rough.
We're in the '80s!
We'll live here forever!
That's what I'm talking about.
Come on.
Get that thing out of my face.
Come on.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Eh!
Know
what I'm thankful for?
The stuffing--
DOUG :
--last night.
Oh.
5 PM?
Huh?
Well, how about I BM
all over that proposal?
Funny never sleeps!
You
know what I'm thankful for?
Is that criminal,
Nelson Mandela,
is in jail, where he belongs,
and he ain't ever getting out!
What the fuck, man?
Nelson Mandela is my hero.
Hey,
bro-ham, you want some--
you want some gravy?
- Uh, you sure?
- I'm fine.
Oh, what?
Oh.
Whoa!
Oh, oh, yeah!
How's that feel?
Huh?
No!
Oh, my god!
No!
Oh, my god!
No!
You coward.
Oh, don't forget to pour
some gravy all over these.
Oh, Merry
Christmas to Milli Vanilli!
Oh, they got the most
authentic song in the world!
will
never do no wrong!
Richard!
I forgot
to get your friends something.
Did you
know Richard got me a Miata?
Nice.
Good thing you didn't
get her a computer.
That Y2K thing is
happening, everybody.
Computers are such a hoax.
What a joke.
They're gone.
Who's been naughty
and who's been nice?
She put
mistletoe above her pussy!
You know that means!
You got to kiss it!
And I ain't kissing no pussy!
I'm a man.
Do you want a kiss?
I don't know.
Kiss her.
Don't be a fool.
Kiss her.
Don't be a fool.
Get up there.
Yeah.
Can we wrap this up?
We have Sugar Ray tickets.
Jace, enough.
Get out of here.
Come on.
Get out of here.
Enough.
C'mon.
C'mon.
C'mon.
Get out of here.
Come on.
Very good.
But I found something that I--
You point to anything else in
this room, and I will smash it.
Except for the
couch or the piano.
They look thick.
Anything else, I'll
smash it for you.
Why don't you
try smashing the shackles
of the proletariat?
Or shattering the glass ceiling
weighing down womankind?
Better yet, maybe rip the
veil from your own eyes.
Babysitter,
where have you been?
Where have I been?
Ask me instead,
where am I going?
Where are you going?
Woo!
Woohoo!
Let me
show you how this is done.
You ready?
OK.
Oh!
Oh, god.
It's amazing!
Oh, it's like he can hold
his breath for hours!
Oh!
No.
There's nothing
here for me anymore.
I'm leaving.
But what about the storm?
Did Ishmael fear the storm?
Did Captain Nemo?
Did James and his
disgusting peach boat?
- I
- have something right now.
Is that the turkey?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah!
Very good!
Oh, it feels good!
Oh, my god!
- I
- might kill someone someday.
What?
- I
- might kill someone someday.
What?
- I
- might kill someone someday.
I'm tired of being fucked.
I want to consummate.
I want to make love.
I want to be loved.
I wish you all just
the best of luck.
Babysitter!
I have a name!
A beautiful name!
I am Phyllis Gorman!
Ah!
Fuck it.
DETECTOR CROSS AND DR
BUNNY : Hello?
Is anyone there?
It's Dr. Van Clit!
Shit!
I mean, it's Detective Cross!
Is everyone all right?
I'm here to help.
Hugh!
There should be more
flashlights near the credenza.
Near the what?
The credenza.
Oh, the credenza.
OK.
I never should have
sided with Cross.
I should have trusted you.
It's OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm just glad
you're all right.
You, too.
Flashlights.
I don't think these
are going to work.
And I'm not scared anymore.
Well, actually,
I am very scared.
But I don't care.
I may always be a nerd, but
I don't have to be a coward.
I'm not going to back down
from what I know is right.
Oh!
Well,
maybe she made it out.
She wasn't a slut.
She was smart.
She was kind.
She was Phyllis Gorman.
I'm going to smash
the son of a bitch
who did this to Phyllis Gorman.
We need to take these
bodies off the bed.
What?
Guys, I need you to trust me.
I just wish you had said that
before we added another body.
Fine.
But only because I'm
your best friend.
OK?
- Yeah, man.
- OK.
Oh, my god!
Uncle Doug is the killer!
That's impossible!
He faked his own death.
But how?
He wasn't breathing!
A lifetime of eating box
underwater, that's how.
Why would he do it?
I don't know.
I guess girls like it?
It freaks me out.
- Yeah.
No!
Why is he killing everyone?
Oh, I don't know.
But we need to find
him before he finds us.
Great work, kid.
You've earned this.
Well, it's a big house.
How are we going to find him?
Hydrogen peroxide!
Whoa!
What the fuck?
Hydrogen
peroxide reacts with blood
in a really gross way.
But it led me out
of the bathroom
to a footprint I
found in the hall.
In examining these
footprints, I found
various trace chemicals,
notably alkali dust,
typically found in HVAC units.
Which tells me he's
been using the vents
and crawl spaces to get around
the house to avoid being seen.
I also found residue from honey
crest, a moss which only grows
on the west side of objects.
Hm.
Because of the
sun's angle of declination,
I knew that the
residue had to be
coming from the northwest
wing of the house.
You boys ready to do plung--
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out of here!
I'll stab ya!
We don't
need a plumber!
- We don't need that.
- I'm sorry.
- We're busy.
- I'm sorry.
We're busy!
And
the final chemical
detected in the footprint?
The C25H52.
What is that?
Candle wax.
The walk in closet has a window
on the northwest corner, lots
and lots of candles, and
it also happens to be
where all the vents converge.
Wow.
And you got that from
just a few footprints.
Science is pretty cool!
You don't have to tell me!
So what do we do now?
Now we wait.
It could take days, months even.
Years, even.
Oh!
You people could have killed me!
What's wrong with you?
We know it's you, Doug!
It's been you the whole time.
Yeah.
It's me, Doug.
And it's been me the whole time!
You were stabbed!
Yes!
Because I stabbed me!
Stabbed by me!
You'd be amazed at how
durable the human body
is when pushed to its limit.
Especially when it gets you off.
Why did you do it, Doug?
We're family!
Because I'm sick and
tired of being a Dangler!
Look at all of you!
Look!
With your boring ass
innuendo, and your mood
lighting, and your-- and your
banter, and your foreplay!
You people are all soft!
You're soft to your cores!
But not me.
I'm hard!
I'm hard core!
Oh, my gosh!
She's-- she's been
deep throated!
I've been stabbed, man!
There's piss and
blood everywhere!
It's a golden shower!
Ah!
He got fisted!
He got fisted!
Fisted!
You're sick, Doug!
You were sick in space,
and you're even sicker now!
I'm sick?
No, no, no no.
I'm the cure, OK?
I'm the vaccine that's going to
rid us all of the-- of-- of--
of this missionary love making.
No.
I'm the gagging.
I'm the choking.
I'm the pissing.
I'm the gaping anus.
I am the future!
We are not those people!
That's not what we do!
What are you talking about?
What-- what are you doing?
You-- you should all
be railing each other!
You two-- you two should
be tag teaming her!
If anything, we're having
less sex and talking a lot more!
I'm still a virgin.
Cross, arrest this man!
You want to dance?
Let's go.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Yeah.
You know you want it!
Oh!
Yeah!
Oh!
It's all heated lube!
Lube me up, baby!
It's out!
It's out!
Oh, oh!
I hate you!
Yeah!
Oh,
please don't tease me.
Shut up, Uncle Doug!
Hugh, he's getting in my head!
Please, stop!
Stop it!
Ah!
Ah!
Dr. Bunny Van Clit!
And Detective Cross too!
Ah, poor him!
Listen kiddo.
You don't have to do this.
You want to get laid?
You can find some skank
who's down to clown
in the back of my bang bus.
I want my first
time to be spec--
Ah!
Here!
Mom!
I don't give a shit
about some vibrator!
Ah!
God!
Fuck!
Ah!
Ah!
Bunny!
You want your first
time to be special?
Yeah?
Let's make some memories.
A little
amateur video, huh, Hugh?
Yeah.
If you're not going
to do it, I'll do
it for you, with you, as you!
Yeah.
Oh, look at this!
Bunny's trying to
get out of here!
Oh, bye-bye Bunny!
Whoa!
Bunny!
Let her go!
Bunny!
Come back!
The party's not over yet!
No one said
you could leave!
I'm sorry!
Hugh
I'm sorry!
Hugh!
Leave him alone!
I'm sorry!
Where are you going?
Oh!
No!
You know what?
Just pretend that
she's your sister!
No!
Oh, Doug, you know what would
make this fuckfest even better?
A quick bump.
- What?
Whoa!
What can I say?
I've always had a
thing for bad boys.
Oh, yeah.
Don't mind if I do!
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Oh!
What kind of blow is this?
What the hell?
Ah!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Crazy bitch!
I am strength!
Nerd virgin!
You don't have the--
He's dead!
It's over!
You killed him.
Or her.
Sure, but
you did it, Hugh.
No.
We did it.
We all survived this together.
I think
I'm going to make it.
We think you're
going to make it, too.
Yeah.
And guess what?
Guess what?
I fig--
I sol-- I solved it.
Yeah.
Doug did it.
No, no.
Not that.
There's a Fifth Street
and a Fifth Avenue.
My dry cleaners.
It's on Fifth Street.
And I dropped off the
coat on Fifth Avenue.
Cross?
Yeah, Hugh?
Ah!
I owed you one.
You sure did, buddy.
You sure did!
It's all on fire!
Wow.
Yeah.
I guess we make a
pretty good team.
Without you, I don't
think I would've made it.
It's strange.
Today was the first day I
felt like a real scientist.
And you, you were
so brave, the way
you crushed your uncle's skull.
Hugh?
You look so much better
with your glasses on.
No, I mean, you look like you.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
Now is the right time.
Uh, wait.
What's wrong?
I don't think I--
I want to.
- What?
Oh, no.
No, I-- I really,
really want to.
Just not right now.
Well, are you sure?
I know how much
this means to you.
It means a lot.
But I'm more than just a virgin.
I'm Hugh Dangler.
I can wait a little longer.
I know they couldn't
handle what a woman does.
What a woman does.
What a woman does.
But I'm the kind of man who
wants to fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
Fuck, you know I want
to fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
You know I want to
fuck your blood.
She's a warrior.
She's a warrior and you
can't handle the battle.
She's a warrior.
She's a warrior.
And you can't the power.
Blood on the battlefield.
Blood on the battlefield.
Blood on the battlefield.
Blood on the battlefield, baby.
Blood on the battlefield, baby.
Blood on the battlefield,
blood on the battlefield,
blood on the battlefield,
blood on the battlefield, baby.
Blood on the battlefield, baby.
I don't care if it's bloody,
girl, we still gonna fuck.
I know I got lucky, girl.
I don't give a fuck.
Now I know that you're
bleeding, but that
don't change my feeling.
My feeling is a-sealin'.
We still gonna fuck.
We're still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
We still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
We still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
We still gonna fuck, girl.
We still gonna fuck.
'Cause I know the other guys
didn't respect your blood.
But I'm the kind of guy
who will respect your love.
I know they couldn't
handle what a woman does.
Couldn't handle it.
But I'm the kind of man who
wants to fuck-- wanna fuck
your blood-- your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Just fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
Fuck your blood.
You know I wanna
fuck your blood.
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
You know I wanna
fuck your blood.
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you know I
wanna fuck your blood?
Don't you wonder why she's
not allowed to be herself?