Death at a Funeral (2010) - full transcript

Would you like to know before, you know...

Yeah.

Brian? Who's this?

You know, I asked myself the same thing
when my dad passed.

I said, 'Who Is this man?'

No, no, Brian. Who's this In the coffin?

- Because that's not my father.
- Are you sure?

Are you asking me If I'm sure
I know what my father looks like?

No, people make mistakes
In a time of grief, Aaron.

Look at the damn body, man.

Oh, shit.



You get Jackie Chan In there!
- Okay, listen...

Come on, Brian.
You know what my father looks like

We are vary scattered today.

This type of thing almost never happens

Almost never happens?
- I said that out loud?

It's not Burger King.
You can't just mess up my order

Please, just calm down.
I think I know where he ls

You think?

If my dad's not In this coffin In one hour,
than you have to take his place.

- You get It?
- Don't worry. I'll get him back.

I promise that. He's In one of two places.
I think It's the second place.

Listen, okay, guys? Let's pack this up.
Close this.

Let's go,let's get out of here.

Wait a minute, before we move...
Okay. Did I give you my keys?



No. There In the car.
I left the damn keys In the car.

Let's go, guys. I think It's on.

If you're so antsy about being here,
Why'd you come out In the first place?

- You know why.
- I hate funerals.

All about death, death, death.

I don't think funerals are designed
for anybody to like, Norman.

I suppose.

I don't want a regular funeral
when It's my time to go, you know

I went my life celebrated.

Like Anna Nicole Smith, Richard Nixon,
somebody big and powerful.

I want mine to be the sudden day over.

Stock market should crash,
factories shut down,

girls crying In the meets.

That kind of thing. An eclipse would be nlce.

- Come on.
- What?

You still smoking after all of
those warnings and fluff out there?

No, Norman, fluff, all right.
You used to smoke.

We used to smoke together.

I used to piss my pants and then I stopped.

I get my own problems to worry about
without worrying about your damn smoking.

Come on, Norman.
What problems you got, man?

- I told you! my rash!
- got to use condoms, papa.

- On my hand, dude.
You still have to use a condom, Norman

that's the first line of defence

This shit ain't normal. Look at It.

- Fuck. That ain't a rash, man.
- What you think It ls?

I don't know, but It's very spletchy.

Spletchy? I hate spletchy.
I'm gonna pus away, I'm gonna die

- Nah.
- And I'm so damn young!

They brought the wrong body.

Honey, did you hear me?
They brought the wrong body

Oh, my God!
Well, do they know when he ls?

They think so.

I told you.
Told you not to use the Marshall’s,

but, no, you wanted to keep It real
In the neighbourhood.

Don't rub It In, not today.
I got too much to worry about.

Dad insisted on having his funeral
at home, so now I just can't escape It

Death ls everywhere.

Baby, no. No, It's not.

Mom won't stop crying.

- Ryan hasn't helped out.
- Not like he ever does.

Plus on top of that, I get to worry
about this whole eulogy thing.

I am sure It'll be the best eulogy
anybody's ever heard.

Doesn't matter

All anybody's gonna be thinking ls,
'Why Isn't Ryan doing the eulogy?

'Step aside and let the writer
say a few words.'

Evan I'm gonna be thinking It.

Why don't you just let him do It then?

So, now you want Ryan to do the eulogy?

No. I'm just saying."

You're just saying that you wanna
hear Ryan's eulogy.

No. You're the oldest, so...

So, the only reason I should do It
le because I'm old.

Aaron, calm down

I think that you are every bit
as good a writer as your brother

I just think that you need to let
someone actually read your book

It's not ready yet.

Okay, fine. But don't forget,
we close on the house next week.

- I know.
- I mean, I love your mom,

but I am so ready to move.

I know, honey,
but we just get to get through today, okay?

Exactly.

I know this ls rough.

But It's the last day of my cycle

And I'm 31 years old, so we need to try to,

you know, we need to do It,
at lam once today, okay?

- Babe.
- Yeah?

You're gonna have to switch that cycle
down to low for now, just for now.

Can we at least find the body first?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, I'm a... I'm a little nervous

Why, because you're gonna see
my dad again?

I just don't think I've ever been
so openly hated by anyone before

Evan my seventh graders aren't that moan.

I think he's gonna be more concerned today
that his brother just died than be...

- Babe.
- I'm sorry, baby. It's the traffic.

Rlght. Anyway, when I tell him
that we're getting married,

He's just gonna have to accept you. I

- Jesus! Are you okay?
- Oh, my God.

- You asshole!
- Fuck you, bitch.

Oh, yeah, flip me off.
Can't you see there's a traffic jam?

You poke your eye out,
your father's gonna kill me

Oscar, baby
- Yes.

Look at me
- Okay.

- Relax. Okay?
- All right.

Everything ls fine. Okay? Breathe.

Okay

- Better?
- Better.

Oh, good. It's okay.

Fuck you!

I think you'll find that
everything ls In perfect order.

Oh, so, now you wanna be professional.

You get your keys?
You get your BlackBerry?

Because once we bury him,
we not gonna dig him back up

just so you can tweet

Look, I'm trying, okay?

Hay, how ls your mother holding up, Aaron?

SHe's fine. She's In great health

- There's no more business hers.
- Good.

What about your Uncle Russell?
Ho wasn't doing that wall.

How's he doing?
- Bye.

Okay, I'm just asking.
It's conversation, that's all

I'm here If you need me, you know that
Thank you for everything.

- Michelle, come here.
- Bye, Brian.

You don't have to come.

I'm just saying, everybody knows
that the Colonel stole that recipe

for fried chicken from a slave named Jubalai.

Now, I give him credit for the coleslaw,
but that's It.

Hay, buddy! How you doing?

I need a favour.
I need you to pick up Uncle Russell.

Yeah, I know It's a hassle,
but you're the closed.

Damn! He's always In a bad mood
- Just say you'll do It. We'll do It.

It's not a mood If He's always In It.
It's his personality. Can you do It?

All right, I'll do I'll

Hay, Mama. How you holding up?

There were so many things
we wanted to do still.

Travel.
We were going to Australia and China.

Ho wanted to go to Thailand.

Oh, come on, Ma,
you're not gonna fly 25 hours.

that's not the point.
I haven'! been feeling well.

Who knows how long
I'm gonna live without him?

It might make a difference
If I had a grandchild

who could take my mind off
of everything, but...

- Oh, well.
- Cynthia, we are trying.

I know what you're trying to do, Michelle,
alll hours of the day and night, trying.

But It doesn't seem to be working,
now does It?

- Where's Ryan? Have you talked to him yet?
- He should be here soon.

Just to see his face
would make me feel so much better

Oh, I have missed him so much. my baby

Do you need me to do something, Cynthia?

You could take your hand off
my husband's coffin.

You are leaving a smudge mark.

Is she shooting us the finger?
Or Is she just waving?

that's nice, ladies Thank you!

- There he ls.
- What?

- He's okay.
- He's gonna need assistance?

He's just grumpy.

You get to know how to handle him.

Oh, he looks kind of sweet.

HI, Uncle Russell
HI, Uncle Russell

You remember me? I'm Norman.

I came to pick you up
and take you to the funeral

Where the fuck you been, you fat bastard?
You took any longer, I'd be dead, too!

shit, good thing you know
how to handle him.

Would you like to ride shotgun?

Stop the game, all right?

take this missile In your ass

- Listen.
Yes, the pills. I have them

- They're right here.
- All right, cool. Can I come and get them?

- I have a funeral to go to. shit!
- Whatever. Ian, I'll come over there.

- Fuck.
- Did you try them?

No, no, I'm not gonna try them. I made them.

But they're good, right? The stuff: good?

I get to go.
Never get high on your own supply.

And, dude, this shit's gonna
blow your mind, I guarantee It

You'll love It. All right, get to go. Bye.

Do you always open the door half naked?

Come on, Jeff, we're gonna be late

All I get to do ls just put some pants on

And this ls my house, so...
You all right, man?

He's fine. He's just freaking out
- Is he okay?

A car almost ran Into us, and I was yelling
And this guy just jumped right In our lane

- I didn't no him.
- He did, he totally did.

- I'm sorry, baby, I...
No, baby, It's fine. It's fine, okay?

You guys are funny.
Hay, what do you think?

- Yes, no?
- No.

- Go put on your pants, please.
- All right.

And make sure they're black, Jeffrey!

Okay, Mom.

- I'm so hungry.
- God, my heart ls racing.

I don't know what's wrong with me

Oh, here. Take this one.
It'll calm you down. Jeff won't mind

What do you mean, take one of those?
What Is that?

It's Valium. I used to take It all the time.
It's gonna make you feel better, I promise

- Valium, are you sure?
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- You know, I shouldn't be taking

someone also's pills, right?

- No, It's okay.
- I get to drive and...

Babe, I'll drive. All right?
Just open wide. There we go. Take

Let's do this.

- Oh, my keys.
Jeff, you're wearing sneakers?

- They're black, Elaine.
But they're sneakers, Jeff

Is he gonna be any loss dead
If I'm not wearing sneakers?

- Forget It. Let's's just go. Can I just
- No, I get It.

Okay

- Come on, Jeff.
- I'm coming. I'm coming.

- We're waiting.
- Oh, shoot!

I still can't believe He's gone

You can't understand death
until you've given life.

- Hay, Mama.
- Ryan, my baby!

HOY

Mama, I know this ls hard,
but It's gonna be okay,

and we're gonna get through It.

Oh, Ryan, you always know
exactly what to say, always!

I guess If people died every weak,
we'd no you all the time.

- Hay, big bro. How you doing?
- Holding up.

- How was your flight, Ryan?
- It was okay.

But I had to buy the seet next to ma.
I just can't do the small talk any more

And while I'm sitting there, up In first class,
they march all the broke people through.

And a couple of them eyeballing me,
mad because I'm snacking on warm nuts

So I'm like, 'Take your broke,
no-nut: an to the back of the plane.'

Plus, there was tons of turbulence,

but I guess that's the thing
about flying first class.

No matter how much you pay,
If the plane crashes, you still and up dead

- End up dead!
- I'll make sure sHe's okay.

- Please.
- End up dead!

You always know just what to say

my bad.

Hay. I love It when you come
to family functions, man.

Because Dad takes his pure hate out on you

- Jeff.
I'm joking. Oscar

You okay?

Was there a dog In here just now?

- Whit?
- Whit?

Like a Dalmatian or a Schnauzer?

- Honey, what are you talking about?
- I don't know.

It's just a shame that somebody
has to die to get the family together.

It was hard to see Dad like this.
He's In a better place now, right?

- He was sick a long time.
Since when does dead beat sick?

You know what I moan.
This ls why I try not to get close to people.

- Too much emotion Involved.
- Guess that's why you never ll.

Some families no each other all the time,
some moot up at funerals.

that's just us

Hey, listen, I know this ls a bed time,
but I'm gonna need that money.

- shit.
We're splitting these costs, right?

Okay. But I don't have It right now.

What the fuck you mean,
you don't have It right now?

You just bought a first class tlcket
for your toothbrush.

I don't have any cash. Honest

I lost a let of shit when the market collapsed

So, If you don't mind,
we gonna have to discuss this later

- No, no, no, no,let's discuss this right now.
- Hay, you mind?

I'm grieving

Look at all these cars

You get to get to than funerals early.

Come on. There's nowhere to park

- What? There's a spot right there. Grab It.
- That looks like It's too close to the corner.

- Nah. You can wedge It In there. Grab It.
- I don't need a tlcket today.

You're not gonna get a ticket:
Would you just...

You're gonna lose It. Grab It.

Norman! Come on. Now, see?

Elaine I was gonna park there.

Oh, I'm sorry, Norman. Are you family?

- No, but I'm like family.
- Oh, honey, there's no such thing.

- Elaine.
- Oh, God.

- Hay.
- What are you doing here?

Well, your father invited me

Thought you might need
a real shoulder to cry on.

Oh, please. Come on. Oscar
- Who the fuck's that?

He... Come on, honey. We're here.

- You all right?
- Come on.

We there?

- Yeah.
- Damn. I get Uncle Russell.

How could I forget about Uncle Russell?

I said what's happening?
What the hell ls going on?

What the fuck's this guy doing?

It's vary groan hare, Isn't It?
It's, like, so groan.

Like, God, wow, It's like...
It's like I'm inside a lime.

- Our?
- Yes?

Look at me
- Okay.

HI. Are you all right?

Yeah, why?

All this stuff about dogs
and things being green.

What's going on?

What are you talking about?
I'm fine. I've never been greener

Jeff, look at this.

- Hello.
- What's wrong with Our?

- I don't know.
- You guys keep playing.

Oh, my God. It's the Valium.

- Valium?
- I'm In the band.

I gave him one of your Valium.

He's probably not used to It.

- Yeah, right.
- I know you were looking.

Where's he going?

Oscar!
- Shit! in It.

- You're going the wrong way, dumb-ass
- That hurts!

- Stop the car, Norman.
- What?

Stop the car! I'm getting out
I get to talk to her.

I get to speak to Elaine. Stop the car

What about Uncle Russell?

- I need you to help...
- Where are we?

We're gonna be late, fattie
- Damn It!

Uncle Russell, you hit me In my spletch

You get to slop this, Uncle Russell,
or you gonna be In a box next.

- Hay, how you doing? All right.
- Thank you.

Who ere these people?
I don't recognise half of them.

It’s your family. You don't recognise
them from the last funeral?

What side of the family Is he on?

Probably a friend of dad's from work.

You know, the funeral looks good.
You did a good job.

No, we did a good job.

Are you telling me I get to pay
for the whole funeral?

I'm saying you gonna have to pay
for the whole thing now.

All right, just for a few months
till I get my next advance.

What am I, a damn credit union?

Goddamn, man! What the fuck?
Jesus Christ!

Hello, boys. How you holding up?

We're doing pretty good.

We just get to Wait for a few more people
to come and then we can flirt.

Have you mat my brother, Ryan?

The writer? Oh, man!

You know, I get to toll you,

I squeezed this job In today
because I really wanted to meet you

Listen, I just finished reading
Momma's Secret.

But, listen, that'll be our little sacred:

because I'm not supposed to
be reading that kind of stuff, you know?

Rlght. Well, I'm sure the Lord'll forgive you.

I can't Walt to hear your eulogy
- Actually, I'm doing the eulogy.

- Oh, I thought...
Well, Aaron's the oldest, technically

Really?

How's my little Cynthia?
- Oh, Duncan.

Oh, look at you.

I'm just trying to hold It all together.

He was a good husband and a great father
to two healthy, strong boys.

Why they have decided not to have
children of their own

ls beyond me
- Cynthia.

Can I get you some coffee?

Coffee may do many things, Michelle,
but It does not bring back the dead.

Tea?

Hey, Ryan
- Yeah .

I get to go over the speech.
Could you look out for Uncle Russell?

Look at Martina.
Man, that girl ls all grown up.

Come on, man. Little Martina?
She's, like, In the 12th grade.

Yeah, wall, she may be In 12th grade,
but that ass ls In grade school.

- Anyway...
- I should go no how sHe's doing.

You know, that's just being neighbourly

Yeah, you just do that.

- See If she need: a juice box or something.
- Man!

my father was an exceptional man

-'He was born In 19...'
-1938.

HI, there, Aaron.

HI. How's It going?

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad
Ha talked about you a let.

Did he ever mention me? I'm sorry. Frank

Not really.

Honey. Can I no you for a moment?

One second. I get to go, Frank.

Thank: for coming, though.

Be careful with my shit
Don't bang up the rims.

Hurry up now! We're late!

Listen, we still need to finish that thing,
remember?

Oh, come on, baby,
I'm just not In the mood right now

I'm not wearing any panties.

- Hay, my father's dead. Put some panties on.
- I'm trying to help here.

Please, honey, I really wanna make this
baby thing happen, so, come on.

We've get five minutes.
Hey,hey,hey,hey,hey

- What?
Don't... Don't... Don't stare

There's a guy down there...
Don't look, don't look.

In a black leather jacked: who keeps
checking me out.

All right, okay, I no him. What?

- Don't flare, don't flare.
- I'm not flaring.

You recognise him?

Well, no, but, I mean,
he must be a friend of your father's

Now I get to go and check the food.

Hay! Put some panties on
before you touch the food.

Big ones.

- Look! Look.
But, you know, He's In a better place

Isn't It beautiful? Plus, It sings

Yep. It's right there
- I'll see you inside.

- It's right there.
- It's the Bee Gees.

- Sounding great. Elaine.
- Thank you so much for coming.

- HI, inside, yes. What?
Listen, listen, listen, listen

- Okay. I get to toll you something, all right?
- Okay.

And I'm just warning you right now
that you're not gonna like It.

Aaron.

- Uncle Duncan.
How are we doing on time?

You know what, as soon as
Russell get: hare, we'll be ready to go.

Fine. So, what's this nonsense
I hear about Ryan not saying a few words?

I offered to do the eulogy,
but Aaron's the olden.

I'm sure It's gonna be one of a kind.

It's a real shame.

I mean, I'm sure you'll do fine, Aaron,
but with Ryan being the writer In the family

You know, I'm a writer, too.

Well, we all write checks.
Your brother ls an author.

Excuse me?

Uncle Duncan, I have to ask you a question

- Okay.
- Martina.

Little Martina?

Wall, aha's not actually related to us
or anything, Is she?

No. No, no, no. SHe's just a family friend

Oh, good, good.

What do you mean, It's not Valium?
- Well, It's Interesting.

What you thought was Valium
ls actually not Valium.

- Yikes.
What ls It, Jeff'?

It's like a hallucinogenic

- Mescaline, acid, Special K.
- What?

Served up In a little pill bottle

- Oh, my God. This Isn't funny.
- No, It's not, It's not funny at all.

- Look at him. Look at him.
- Oh, my God.

- He's high as a kite.
- What...

The man ls clearly high.

What are you doing
with this fluff In the house?

I'm a pharmacology student, Laney

And first of all, who just waltzes up
In someone's apartment

and just flirt: popping pills?

- Well, I thought It was Valium.
- Clearly.

What should I do? Should I tell him?

No, no, no. That'll just freak him out.

- Okay. Okay.
You know, this ls gonna be fine. Okay?

Don't let him spend too much time
talking to any one person.

- Okay, okay.
- Or bush.

He's In a bush right now.

Okay, Oscar? Honey. Come back
Where are you going?

Jeffrey, help me.

Oscar. Oscar

Oh, man.

Help me! my groin

It's gonna be your head In a minute.
Hurry up, we gonna be late for the funeral.

my scrotum ls gonna look like a duffle bag

with two bowling bails in it
when I get up this hill with you.

that's what your brain ls.

Fuck.

HOY

Oscar. Oscar

Oh, Did. HI.

How are you?

Not too bad,
considering we're at my brother's funeral.

- Yes, yes, we are.
- Hay, Pop.

- Hay.
- How you doing? You look good.

How're they treating you over there
at Pepperdine??

Good. You know, don't worry about me

I'm not worried about you
- Oscar.

Good . Oscar, Oscar

- So, I see you brought your friend.
He's not my friend, He's my boyfriend

Doctor! Good to no you.

- I'm extremely sorry, sir.
- Derek. Glad you could make It.

Thank you. Elaine. Hallo.

So, how's everything going
with my portfolio?

Could not be better, sir.

In foot, we should get together
and play a round of golf

and I'll tell you all about It, every last detail

- Happily.
- Great.

- Maybe Elaine would join us.
- Wonderful.

Make It a threesome.

- Elaine
- Oh, Aunt Cynthia.

I'm so sorry about Uncle Edward.

- We're gonna miss him so much.
- And Jeff, sneakers.

He bought them for me
He bought them for me

Oh, gosh. Aunt Cynthia, this ls Oscar

I'm so sorry about the death.

- Oh, It's okay.
- Sorry.

Amazing grace..

How sweet the sound, yeah!

That saved a wretch like

Vary nice to no both of you.

- It's nice to no you, too, Aunt Cynthia.
- So sorry, ma'am, so sorry.

- Dad, Dad.
- Cynthia.

- Okay, so we need a plan.
- Yes, we do.

What Is he doing?

- I love you.
- Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Come on! Push, you pussy. Lard-ass

- Did you just fart, old man?
- Put your butt In It.

- Hay.
- Oh, God.

I heard about the engagement, Elaine

- How did you...
- Yeah, I did.

You know, I can't deal with you today

Oh, don't.

But I have not told my dad yet,

and I would appreciate It
If you kept your mouth shut

Okay. I'll do that for you.

What Is he looking

- Hay, Elaine, I... Could I...
- Our?

- Hey,baby.
You didn't even let me finish

my father was an exceptional man

Ho was born In 1938.

1938 was an exceptional year. In 1938...

Actually, there le something I'd like
to talk to you about, If you have a minute

Yeah, sure.

Quit crying. You get snot all over
my collar and everything.

Man, not stairs

What's wrong with the stairs?
Just get me up the stairs. Hurry up!

I get to take your old ass up these stairs?

Yeah, you get to take my old ass
up these stairs.

So, you go to a let of funerals?
- No, this ls my first one.

I want our wedding to be like this.

You might moot the man of your
dreams at this one, huh?

get to go to a funeral
and I get a crybaby here.

Come on

This ls a bit delicate.

When they gave out brains, man,
they left yours In the elevator, shit!

You know what, can this Walt?

I think my uncle just get here,
and we're running a little late.

- Sure. It's fine.
Do something, man!

Thank: a let.

Told you about breathing on my neck, too
Come on.

Hay, I get It. sit down. I get It. You all right?

I'm seeing double
- Just sit down.

- Is that you, Derek?
-sit down.

Hay, old-timer, how are you?

Hay, thank: a let, thank: a let.

- I need something to drink.
- Okay, thank: again. Yeah.

- Come on, Norman.
- Some Gatorade.

- get up.
- I get to get my electrolytes up.

Could you kindly take your seets?
We'd like to begin the service.

- Watch out now.
- Okay.

Watch out now. Watch out now. I'm family.

God damn It. You get old people hero.

- Hay.
- Nice lags there.

Family and friends,

we are gathered here to mourn
the passing of a fine man...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

...Edward Barnes.

Now, I'd like to begin...

Elaine, I know you don't think
I'm part of this family.

Because you're not, so be quiet

Yeah, but when you dissed me beck there,
I had Uncle Russell with me In the car.

You took my parking spoon.
I had to push him up a hill by myself.

We almost missed the service

Norman, you poke me one more time,
I'm gonna kick your ass.

Threats, throats.

- What's going on?
- She took my parking spot, Aaron.

Parking spot? my father's dead. Act right.

'Then Jonathan and David made a covenant,
house he loved him as his own soul.

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe
that was upon him,

'and gave It to David, and his garments,

'even to his sword, and to his bow,
and to his girdle.'

And now we'll hear a word from
Edward's son, Aaron, Ryan's older brother

Only by a couple of months.
We was actually born the same year.

No fault of yours, Mama.

- Last chance.
I get It. I get It

Daddy's only gonna die once.

Good afternoon.

Or I guess just afternoon,

I moan, It couldn't possibly be that good.

my father was an exceptional man

And he was born In 1938,

an exceptional year.

In 1938, the number one song
was Shortnin' Broad.

Some of you might remember It.

Mama's's little baby Jove
shortnin', shortnin'

llama's little baby Jove
shortnin' bread

Also In 1938, Time magazine's
Man of the Year was Adolf Hitler

I bet you they wished
they could have that one beck.

One thing my father loved to do
was watch the Discovery Channel.

I guess you could call my mother
a real 'Shark Week' widow.

Anything to do with shark:
or wild boar or the dung beetle,

-this always fascinated him.
- Did you just no that?

- He really loved The Golden Girls.
- See what?

Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose.

That coffin just moved
- He especially loved It

-when The Golden Girls were syndicated...
- No, no, no.

- Elaine.
-...It was on at lam three times a day.

And sometime: I'd say,
'Dad, you wanna go out?' And he'd go...

He's alive. There's something alive In there.

- No, there's not...
- You have to toll, someone's moving...

The coffin’s moving. I'm sorry.

- There's somebody In there.
- No, Our, sit. Please.

It's moving. I just saw It move

- Someone's alive In there, trying to get out.
- Need some help?

No, can't you see It?
- I'm fine.

What the hell ls wrong with you people?
The coffin's moving.

Our, sit down.

- No, I just need to show you, ho's alive.
- Elaine, do something.

No, no, I'm gonna show you.
I'm gonna show you. No, no.

Get away from there
- Oscar!

- Oh, my God. Ryan! No! No!
- Do something!

L-lay! Hey!

The body!

Cynthia! Cynthia!
- Mama.

No, I'm gonna help, I get to help him.

- No, no!
- Walt a minute Walt!

He's gonna die!

Aaron, you the olden.
Go no what the fuck ls going on.

Okay, I will

Hay!

Jeff.

I'm not all the way comfortable with this.

Come on!

I'm too old for this shit.

When le this funeral gonna happen?
- It's gonna happen later, honey.

- Hay! Hay! Hay! Hay! Hay!
- I just...

- Oh, my God.
- Hay!

- What the fuck was that?
- Aaron.

- No, no.
- Aaron, I'm so sorry.

You need to understand that this ls
- You sorry? You sorry?

my father's sprawled out on the floor
like fucking Screamin' Jay Hawkins,

-but It's okay, house you're sorry!
- I'm so...

- The coffin was moving. I...
- Is he talking to me?

- Talking to me?
Oscar. Oscar, honey, shut up

- You talking to me?
- Please, for a second.

No, He's not talking to you.
Listen to me, Aaron. Go back inside

Aaron, no. I will explain later.

Yeah, yeah, can make It up to me
at my father's next funeral!

- Baby.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I will not have sax with you right now!

- I wasn't going to ask you that.
I'm sorry, what were you gonna ask me?

- Is everything okay?
- No.

- You just...
- No.

- Michelle, I'm sorry.
- No, It's okay.

- I'm gonna kill him. I'll kill him.
- It's okay.

You fucking moron!

- Dad, Dad! Leave It alone, please, please!
- Leave It alone?

I can’t believe you brought this maniac.
I never want to no him again.

This Isn't what Oscar's normally like
you know that.

He just took some medication and He's

- Medication?
- I gave him a Valium

-and ho's having a vary bad reaction to It.
- Valium? That ls not a Valium high.

Your mother we: on Vellum for 40 years
and she never knocked over a coffin.

- Dad, stop It.
- This ls not over.

You're gonna pay for that, I promise you!

- Thanks, Jeff.
- No problem, cuz.

People, allow me to extend my apologies.

But everything ls new being
put beck Into Its proper place,

so, please, enjoy the refreshments.

The catfish nugget: are to die for.

We'll let you know
when we're ready to continua.

Let's just burn him and get It over with.

- I'm gonna go have a smoke.
- All right.

Hey. That must have been horrible for you

Maybe we should go outside, get some air?

Hey, bigshot. I read your last book there

- Black Hurt.
- that's cool. Thanks, Uncle Russ.

I'm not giving you a compliment,
you arrogant bastard.

What a load of bullshit.
I wouldn't wipe my an with It.

- Hay, Aaron. Yo, you all right, man?
- I'm holding up.

Yeah. That was heavy-duty,

the way your father
fell out his coffin like a dead fish

He was like... I was like, 'Damn!' Man

Not now, Norman.

- I get to go somewhere, okay?
- You're right. I'm sorry.

Hey, Aaron. But, you know, It's just scary

You never know when your room
ls gonna be ready. You never know.

When your room ls ready,
your room ls ready.

And I'm like scared
because I get this rash on my wrist

and I don't know
when It's coming from and...

I know It ain't Chlamydia.

I know what that look like, but this ls
something different and I'm just scared

- I don't know, man.
Well, just show It to Uncle Duncan

He's a doctor.

You know something,
Uncle Dunn, you're right.

Maybe we're standing still
and the coffin's moving.

- No, no, It's not...
- No, nothing...

Listen to me, the coffin moved

- I saw It move.
- No, Our, It wasn't...

- God, Elaine, am I losing my mind?
- No, you're not losing your mind, honey.

Why are my hands so big?
- Oscar. Look at me. Focus.

Elaine, I love this game.

Okay, good.
Because I have to tell you something

Okay. What ls It, my love?

Remember that Vellum
that I gave you earlier?

Yes.

Well, It turn: out that It wasn't really Valium.
Not completely.

- Did you just hear me?
- Hello? Hallo?

- Am I going blind In here?
- Oh, God.

I promise

I promise

Hey, Uncle Duncan! Miss Cynthia, Michelle.

I get this thing on my hand
and It's been there for weeks,

and I was just wondering
what you think It might be.

I'm not...

Look, you probably should see
a dermatologist, Norman.

- I'm going out to get some air.
- Okay.

I mean... Why? I don't have
sickle cell anaemia or nothing, right?

No, It looks like a pigment mutation.

A pigment mutation?

You mean like the incredible Hulk
or something?

I can't be turning groan out there.

I'm a black man, I'm sensitive,
I'd be turning green over every little thing

I can no It now.

Mo getting mall from child support,
'That not Hulk baby.

'Hulk take blood tan: on Maury Povlch.'

You're probably just allergic to something
Maybe shellfish or nuts.

Nuts? Well, what nut mutates?
- I don't know. Now excuse me.

Somebody gave me hypo-allergenic drugs?

- It's a form of hallucinogenic
- Hallucinogen.

- Elaine, Elaine, did you tell him?
- I just did.

- How you feeling, big guy?
- I've been drugged.

Yeah, not, no, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Hey, listen
- I've been drugged by you.

- You fool!
Walt, Oscar!

- let him go! Oh, my God.
- How long does It Ian?

Elaine, He's Incredibly strong right now

- I know, and I'm sorry.
- How long does It Ian?

- Like eight hours?
- Eight hours, fuck!

Babe, what are you doing?

I'm gonna be sick

- Jeffrey, this ls all your fault.
This ls your fault. You gave It to him

Shit..

Baby, slow down.

Hay, Elaine. What's going on?

What are you doing? You following me?
- Not now, Derek!

Hay!

- Sorry. You all right?
- Are you okay?

Oh, shit It
- Oscar!

Excuse me, everyone, he's gonna be slck.

Oscar, sweetie, slow down!

Oscar! Oscar!
- Oscar!

Oscar, no! Don't go In there!
Oscar! Oscar, out!

In hare, there's a bathroom here. Oh, God.

Jeez Oscar
- Gal back.

What are you doing?

get back or I will blow your head off.

- get your hands up!
- Are you...

Hands up!

Our, baby.

- Are you kidding me? Open this door, baby.
- Easy, big fellow.

- Honey.
- Oh, shit.

You're locked In, so, please,

-unlock the door, okay?
- Oh, shit.

- Elaine? I can't find the pill bottle.
- Can you just...

Oh, shit.

- Oscar, open the door.
Lasts up to eight hours

- Open the door.
- Perfect.

- Oscar, open the door, sweetie.
- It's already been five minutes.

that's good
- Damn It!

Motherfucker! Flve minutes? Oh, shit

- Shit, shit, shit, shit
- What's going on?

Oscar, open the door, please
- You know what,

why don't you go get something to eat?
We're gonna start pretty soon. Yeah.

Grief does mange things to people,
doesn't It?

- Yeah.
- If you remember,

there's something I would like
to talk to you about.

- Could we just do this...
-ls there some place private we could go?

Cocksuckers!

This ls lovely.

- So Edward.
- I know.

You're writing a novel?

Yeah, that's mine.

- Sorry.
Just like your brother

Actually, I we: writing before my brother.

I get a couple of pieces published In Jet.
One about hypertension.

That was a while back, though

and now I'm working mainly
as a tax accountant.

Well, then, you must be very proud of Ryan
Getting all of his novels published.

Yeah. Pretty proud.

What did you wanna talk about?

Your father and I were vary close.

- That's nice, that's nlce.
- Spent a let of time together.

Okay, well, you know, Dad was a fun guy.

I have some photos I want to show you.
Few snap: of us.

that's me and your dad at
Venice Beach, Muscle Beach

And hero we are In Wool Hollywood,
at the Halloween parade.

I don't know If you've ever been,
but whet a spectacle that ls.

Oscar

How'd you get In here?

And here we are at the première
of Dreamgirls.

I was dressed as Deena
and your father just had to be Effie

So, how exactly did you know my father?

No. No.

You think you can come In here
and just slander my dad's name

by showing me a couple of pictures
of you guys going to see Dreamgirls?

So whet? I've seen Dreamgirls
two, three times.

Doesn't mean I'm gay

Steppin' to the bad side
Gonna be a mean ride

- What's that prove?
- I'm sorry.

I guess he would've told you himself,
but he wan'! sure how you'd react.

Doe: my mother know?

No. And there's no reason she has to.

Just as long as I get what's owed to me

Excuse me? What's owed to you?

Well, I deserve something.

Your father and I were lovers
and he left me absolutely nothing In his will

How do you think that makes me feel?

I don't know and I don't re.

I will tell you how It makes me feel. Cheap

- Like some cheap place of us.
- What do you want?

What I want ls a let,
but I'm not asking you for what I want

- I deserve $30,000.
-$30,000?

Are you smoking moth?
I'm not giving you $30,000.

I'm trying to buy a house!
I'm trying to have a kid

I can't give you $30,000!

Now, listen, your father made me
a promise to take care of me.

I made certain certain to keep him happy.

Now, I don't want to,
but I will show than photos to your mother.

Do you really want me to do that?

Shit!

Walt here.

Okay

Oh, Aaron.
I was just tolling George here how

when we were boys together,

your father used to make us
all go skinny-dipping.

- Isn't that funny?
- Hilarious.

- Well, maybe your husband will know.
- Walt! Walt! Aaron! Aaron!

Sometime today?

Anything I can do to help?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Our, please.

Say, Elaine, what are you doing
after the funeral?

I get Usher tickets, front row, Staples Centre.

You don't have Usher tlckets.

Well, no, not yet,
but I can get them like that.

You know what? Derek, please, go away.

You don't deserve her!

Ho doesn't.

I'm gonna go find Norman.

So, you've never been to New York?

I've been, with my parents once.

Now, that's not seeing New York.
You get to come visit. Just hang out

When's your birthday?
- I turned 18 last week.

Yeah. Well, that's my favourite number, girl.

You know, I want you
to get yourself on a bus

and come visit me In New York this year
Can you do that?

For me?

All right. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
And I get all kind of snack: for you.

- Really?
- You like Sugar Daddies?

- Ryan, Ryan, I need to talk to you.
- Gummi boars...

- Ryan, I need to talk...
- Aaron, not now.

- I really need to talk to you.
Aaron, give me five minutes, okay?

Bro, I'm grieving here

Martina, could you excuse us?
We've really get to talk about something

Hay, Spongebob ls on.
All right, talk to you later.

What are you doing?

Remember the guy that came by
a little earlier, that we didn't recognise?

- Dude In the leather jacket.
- Yeah, well,

he came by the study, and he showed me
some pictures of him and Dad.

So? So, he showed you some pictures,

-what's wrong with that?
- Pictures of him and Dad together.

So, we playing 20 questions now or what?
- He was dad's lover.

- No, man. No, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy's name ls Frank.

He showed me some pictures
of him and Dad doing stuff.

You telling me our father was
on the down low?

- Way down low.
- Hell no.

I don't believe that. my father's not gay

Matter of fact, He's so straight,
he makes me seem gay.

And I ain't fucking gay.

Daddy!

I ain't know he did yoga.

Look. Ho get the wheelbarrow.

- Thanks.
- I just don't get It.

- Thanks.
- I just don't get It.

I don't know what she sees In that poser
that she doesn't see In me.

- Seems serious, don't It?
- Of course It ls, It's my life.

I've only been sleeping
like eight hours a night, man

- I'm at my wit's end.
- What?

- No, dude.
- Yeah?

- Me. Pigment mutation?
- Rlght.

Wall, maybe It's the tlglio,
that thing Michael Jackson had on his balls.

I don't know what Michael Jackson had
on his balls.

- Okay.
You asking me,

like I was down there or something.

- Hay. Try this kc. It might have nuts In It.
- So?

Elaine's dad said I might just be allergic
to nuts.

So, don't out nuts.
Put the fork down. Don't out It.

that's what I do when I'm sinned. I eat.

You ain't gonna out
when your hand falls off, papa.

Just try the cake for me.
See If It has nuts In It, please?

Elaine's driving me crazy
and you're not helping.

Hey, fathead. Quit slopping down food
for a second. Make me a plate.

I'm gonna wash my hands,
and make you a dynamite plate.

I know you like hot sauce
on your collard greens. that's

Come here to papa

Uncle Russell

Have you seen a little pill,
pill bottle with some Valium In It?

- Is that a yes or...
God, don't scare me like that

shit lain like It get nuts In It. shit.

- I'm sure we'll flirt again soon.
- Dr Barnes! Dr Barnes!

- Let's's go back inside.
Soon. I just need a moment alone

Just one minute

Dr Barnes, just one quick
- Excuse me.

How you doing, Ills: Cynthia?

- You look good.
- Thank you.

You hanging In there?
Your macaroni le superb

Six different cheeses.
He looked good In that box

The rigour mortis sot In wall.
You know, except for that left hand.

You might just wanna throw an oven mitt
or something on there. Yeah.

The suit he get on ls magnificent, you know.

Looked like Colin Powell.
Looked just like a Republican

But did you check the shoes?

'Cause sometime: they take the shoe:
right off their feet In the funeral home, right?

- Especially If they're gators.
- Norman. Just...

- Excuse me.
Sorry, Ills: Cynthia

Jesus Christ!

Somebody dropped they pills.

If we don't get him the money right now,
He's gonna start showing Mom the pictures

Let's me think. All right? Let's me think
- Think, think.

- You gonna have to pay him, then.
- that's your big Idea?

I'm gonna have to pay him?
Where's your money?

Don't you have a saving: or a non egg?
A damn piggy bank?

Aaron, I'm In debt up to my us.
I'm broke, man. It's 'Hammertime,' okay?

If I don't get some money soon,
I'm gonna have to do a damn reality show

Okay, so, I getta pay for the funeral,
the catering, and all this other shit,

and now I getta pull $30,000 out of my us?

- You know, ho's your dad, too.
- Yeah, but you the olden.

By nine months, as you love to point out
- Doesn't matter.

Besides, you been living off
of Mom and Dad long enough

You must've saved some money.
What? You haven'! paid rent In a long time.

Hey, hey, I've been living with them,
not off them.

And dad's been retired for flve years.

Who do you think's been paying
all than bills?

Well, If we both get money Issues,
what can we do? Fuck him Fuck...

Fuck him, Aaron. Fuck him.

Pay the man. Just pay him

Are you okay there, friend?
- Hey, fuck no.

my nephew's dead, and the little bastards
ate all the potato salad. Shit.

Listen, I think we're just about ready
to start that service again.

Just flve more minutes, please, please
Just flve. Flve.

Hay, hay, baby, what's going on?
ls everything okay?

No, we're not gonna be able to move out
as soon as we hoped. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Walt. Listen to ma.
Hallo? What are you talking about?

You know I wouldn't have sold It
unless I had a good reason.

- Okay, fine, so what's the reason?
- Aaron, we don't have time right now.

Aaron, listen,
I am trying to be understanding

but you have some explaining to do
And I mean It!

Just a little more time, okay?

Hey,hey,hey,hey,
that's not supposed to be read yet

- Well, It was on the coffee table.
- And what's that supposed to moan?

Well, when someone leaves something
on a coffee table,

It's assumed It's for everybody
that's pretty standard.

Those are coffee table rules.

Can we get to the point here?
- Fine by me.

So, I write the cheque,
you give us the photos,

and you shy away from our mother.

- Is that the deal?
- Deal.

Okay

What's your last name?
- Lovett.

With two 'T's.'

- Lovett.
Is that your first one?

- What?
The novel. It's a first draft

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, so?
- No, nothing.

I tried writing once.
Didn't work for me, either

I think It's like a gift.
Either you have It or you don't.

Must be hard for you, though

I mean, your brother
being a best-selling author and all

Your father and I read Rhonda's Tiny Box
cover to cover together.

We loved It. Ho was so proud of you.

Well, thank you. I guess.

- that's It. I can't do It.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Aaron. Aaron, no, no.

What are you doing?

There ls no way In the world I'm giving
this guy my hard-earned money. No.

Hey, don't be stupid, okay?

Now, I'll pay you back
as soon as my advance Come: In.

Ho pick: today,
the day of our father's funeral.

And than on top of that,
he Insults my book? No! No!

- But he get pictures.
So what? I don't give a fuck what He's get

Ho can show them to the world.
Ho can put them on Facebook for all I re.

Who the fuck does he think he ls?

Fine. But this ls on your head.

Whoa, whoa. Hold on.
Hold on now, hold on.

Okay, you need to back off.

- No, no, no. Let's's discuss this for a minute
- There ls nothing to discuss.

- No, don't...
- I said back off, buddy!

You gonna bring a gut to a funeral?

Now, nobody get to get capped. Nobody

- Gal his gun! Get his gun!
He ain't get no damn gun.

- You get any rope? Any duct tape?
Hey, what do I look like, a serial killer?

I don't just keep rope and duct tape
In my pocket.

- I can't no nothing. There you go.
- Help! Help!

- Hay, use your tie!
- my tie, my tie?

- What the fuck am I gonna do with my tie?
- Stuff It In his mouth.

All right, first key... First key to war
ls to cut off communication.

All right, now, grab that curtain thing.
Hurry up. Grab the curtain thing.

Tie his legs. Come on, Aaron, damn!

- Feels like I'm In a fucking rodeo!
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, now get his hands. Shit.

God damn. Strong, ain't he?
Damn It, do I getta do everything?

Everything but write a fucking cheque!

You know what was In that kc?
What's going on? Who's that dude?

Norman, Come In and shut the damn door
Come on, Aaron, tie It.

- What's happening?
- He having a seizure.

- Damn!
- Yeah, yeah.

You know what?
I just found some Valium outside

You think this will calm him down?
- Good. Yeah, yeah, give him some.

- Okay. All right.
- Come on.

Put this jacket under his head

so he don't bite down
on his tongue.

I learned that procedure
at Boys and Girls High School.

- Come on.
Here, buddy, this'll make you feel calm

Open up, open up
- There you go.

- Rlght there. Yes, yes, baby.
- Open up, open up.

- Yeah.
Look at that. You gonna be fine, my friend

Did you guys happen to see a little
- Come, come In, Jeff, come In.

Norman, I told you to look the damn door.

You said, 'Shut the damn door,' Ryan!

- What's... What's going on?
- He's having a seizure.

- Yeah. So, why Is he all tied up?
- We don't want him to swallow his tongue.

No. that's part of the medical procedure

Oh, God.

He's blackmailing you? Over what?

If I could toll you,
It wouldn't be blackmail, now, would It?

Hey, look, just trust us. He's the bad guy
Okay? We'll explain It to you later.

Yeah, well, what are we gonna do with him?

Yeah, what are we gonna do, Ryan?
Now that you've jumped his ass?

I don't know. Okay? You think, people
- You're the big writer.

Why don't you write something
where we all live happily ever after?

- How long's that Valium gonna Ian?
- Valium? What... What Valium?

I found a bottle of Valium,

so we gave him a few,
thinking It would calm him down

You gave him a few of those? Oh, shit.

- Whit?
- Whit?

See...

I just gave him a few Valium

I found them on the ground outside.

All right, see, here's the story

All right. Everybody calling
these little guys here Valium,

-they're wrong, 'use It's not Valium.
- Yeah, and?

It's more like acid mixed with acid
which ls acid.

And Oscar took one earlier by mistake,
which ls why He's been acting all crazy

Jeff, what are you doing with that stuff?

I just whipped up a simple batch for a friend

What friend, Amy Winehouse?
- Walt. Walt a minute.

You tolling us that Elaine's boyfriend,

old boy
who knocked over our father's coffin,

-only had one of those things?
- Yeah. One.

- Oh, shit.
- Shit's right.

- And you gave him how many?
- About four or flve.

Four or five? Jesus, Norman!
That poor bastard.

- I thought they were Valium.
- Look, you at a ton, I need you at a two.

Jeff, I thought they were Valium.

But five?
- Yes.

I mean, I wouldn't give somebody
five cough drops.

See, that's 'use the wave p ls too tight.

Okay, okay,
maybe we should call an ambulance

If anyone finds out
that this guy's been force-fed acid

we could all be arrested. TMZ, here I come

- Could he die?
Hey,hey,hey,hey,hey

- What?
Could he die?

No! Crazy. Maybe.

A little bit. Possibly. It depends

Aaron? Ryan, honey?
Are you In there, baby?

We need to get things flirted.

Ma, we'll be right out.

Okay, look, look, look.
We getta go out there, okay?

We getta buy some time
until we figure this out.

You two shy here and watch him.

What you mean, us shy here and watch...

Norman, just make sure
he doesn't ups, okay?

Just lock the door behind us

This ls all your fault.
You and your chemistry sat, man

- Ever since the ninth grade...
- Shut up, Norman.

Hay, Mom. How's It going?

Reverend Devis want's to talk
to the two of you.

- Aaron, whore's your tie?
- I'm looking for It.

Now, look, I have been patient,
but I'm about done with patience.

If we don't resume this funeral pretty soon,

we gonna have to have a little conversation
about my compensation.

Sure. Could I get flve more minutes?

Why are you making me
go through this again?

Just hear me out, okay?
- Listen...

The only reason you won't go out with me

ls 'cause your dad like: me
- No! It...

- Can you... Can I get some help, please?
- Good Lord, your skin's so supple...

- Can you stop that?
- Okay.

The real reason why I don't wanna go out
with you ls because It was a mistake before

We had e couple of Intense months,

-but then I realised that we just...
- Not fair, not true. We had e let of fun. We...

- I bought you a watch, right?
- Hero.

- Why?
- Take I:.

What about our flrst night together?
After Norman's party?

That was amazing. Transcendent
- I was so drunk.

You could've been a donkey for all I know.

- Thank you.
- It's not a compliment, Derek! You know...

Go away. Go away-

You still think about me though, don't you?
Don't say anything.

What ls wrong with him?

It's beautiful.

There's still no potato salad

There's still no potato salad

- Hay, Uncle Russell.
- Hay, hay.

No, you... That belong: to this lady.
You don't wanna out that.

She don't need It. It's mine now.

What's your problem, son?

It's women.
Women are my problem, Uncle Russell.

No such thing as having a woman
without a problem.

- Rlght.
- If they didn't have problems,

-they wouldn't let us touch them.
- Rlght.

Yeah. Let's me tell you something
about women.

Smarter than you think they are,

but not nearly as smart
as they think they are.

Sweet bitches.

Yeah. I don't get It.
She acts like I don't exist.

I can't believe she doesn't feel the way I do.

SHe's just playing hard to get
- Rlght.

- She want: you to work for It a bit.
- Okay.

A woman want: a man who n control her.

- Yeah, you think so? Is that whet It ls?
- You walk up to her, and you shake her.

- Shake her?
- Yeah.

- You want me to shake her?
Not shaking her hasn't worked, has It?

- Yeah, okay.
- You shake her, and you kiss her.

I just don't know If that'll go over so well

- Man.
- What's up?

I getta take a shit.
Man, just when I had my potato...

Hay, hay, hay, Norman! I getta take a crap!

Look at his eyes. That doesn't look normal
- He looks like a zombie.

Hallo?

- Hello?
- Hello.

- I need the toilet, open up!
- Go deal with him.

Open the door.

- Can't you use the one upstairs?
I'm In a wheelchair, you fucking idiot!

How am I supposed
to get up the goddamn stairs?

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

- Open the fucking door!
- Let's put him behind the couch.

Shit. Men, I need the toilet. Open up.

Norman!

- Open the goddamn door!
Just a minute. I'm trying to find the key

I need the toilet, you fat bastard

- Sorry, sorry.
I'm just going across the room

to get the key, Uncle Russell.

So you could use the bathroom,
'use I know you getta doo-doo-doo-doo.

Now open the fucking door!
Shit! Damn It.

What the hell ls going on here?

Uncle Russell

get your an out here.
Uncle Russell nothing, man. Shit.

Come on, Aaron, think

- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
- Well, you know what?

- Stop thinking and do something.
- Why do I getta do something?

- You the one that tied him up.
Well, somebody had to look out for Mama

I been looking out for Mom
since you get your book deal,

you pompous place of shit.

You just can't get over It, n you?

You burning with jealousy, all because I left
and did what you always wanted to do?

I couldn't just leave my family

I get Mom, I get Dad, I get a wife
I get all sorts of responsibilities.

Don't put It off on responsibility.

You spent three years on a novel,
and you won't let anybody road It.

What you gonna do? Walt until you're dead?

What you think you're gonna be,
the Tupac of books? Makaveli?

At lam I'm not some hack writing
a bunch of crap, Mr lama's Secret.

The secret ls It sucks.

Mr Black Hurt, It hurts to road that shit.

Mr No Ink. Mr Blank Page.
Ain’t nothing there. Ain’t nothing there.

At lam my shit get: published.

that's what It's about,
just getting published?

Don't put your hand on ma, Aaron
- I'll put my hand on you.

- Don't touch me, man.
I'll put my hand upside you

- Is that what you...
- I'm a hand:-on motherfucker.

What you wanna do, punch me?
Punch me In the face?

No. Why would I do that
when I could do this?

Here, look. How does that feel?
- my ball. my ball.

I'm tolling Mom.

- I'm tolling Mom.
- No, no.

Don't you tell Mama! Don't you tell Mama!

- Aaron, you wrong.
- I get your black hurt.

- I get your...
- Aaron.

- Go! Not now!
- What ls going on?

- get a brick or something.
- Why are you acting like this?

Get off me. Tell her
- Tell me what?

- What?
- Come here.

Remember the guy with the leather jacket?

Of course, yeah, your father's friend

Okay, I don't know how to tell you this,
but It looks like him and Dad ware...

Were being intimate

- They were having sax, Michelle.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No. With him? Are you sure?

- I mean, maybe ho's here making the...
- We're sure.

And what makes things worse

-ls now this guy want: $30,000.
-$30,000?

Or also ho's gonna flirt showing pictures
of them doing fluff.

- Stuff? Like what kind of fluff?
- Sex fluff.

Oh, my!

- Okay.
- Qulckly

I get a goddamn torpedo coming down
- Walt a minute

get my pants.
get my... Take my pants down!

- You do that by yourself
- No. How n I? I'm incapable

I'm goddamn handicapped!
my drawers, my drawers.

- Don't leave me here...
No, who calls them drawers?

my drawers! my drawers! Come on!
Am I there? Come on. Shit.

Walt a minute.

- that's the snake In my mouth.
- Walt a minute Walt a minute

- No! No! my hand ls Muck!
- How you get your hand...

- I love than padded seets.
- No! No, my hand ls Muck!

No, Uncle Russell! Please!

Please come off. Please come off, man.

How does something like that happen?
Oh, my...

Norman. Norman!

Jeff, please, get me a towel. Please

- What?
You missed a spot

No! No! No! Please, God. No!

- Norman. Norman, calm down. Calm down.
- No! No!

I think I get some of It In my mouth.

Norman! Pull yourself together!

Would you rather be shitty-mouthed
or get caught? Think.

You right, you right.
I'm gonna get myself together.

Everything ls copastetic. I'm gonna forget
about the poop In my mouth.

- I'm just gonna hold my breath for e second.
- It never we: there, never we: there.

- Shit.
- Oh, no.

How the... How the... How the fuck did ho...

- Chock him.
- Hay, hay, hay. Hay, buddy?

Hey. Are you okay, man?

Oh, shit.

- Hay, buddy.
- Chock him.

- You okay?
Wake up. Come on, wake up, little buddy

- What's his name?
- I don't know.

Larry, try Larry.
- Larry?

Shake him.

Hey, hey, Larry?
- Come on.

- Yo, Larry?
- Maybe It's not Larry.

Try another one. Bert, Ernie, I don't know,
Big Bird, whatever.

I'm gonna check to no If ho's breathing,

'cause that's what people
do when they're alive, right?

I'm gonna check to make sure He's
breathing, 'use He's getta be breathing.

Lord Jesus, please let him be breathing
He's not breathing.

- Shit.
- Whit?

He's dead

We're just gonna give this
guy half the money we saved

- It's not quite that simple.
- Well, why not?

Aaron refused to pay.

- Well, how come you couldn't pay, Ryan?
- that's not the point.

Besides, the only reason
Aaron tore up the cheque

ls house little man was talking shit
about his novel.

Hey,hey,hey,hey,no
- Walt. What?

Your novel?

You won't let me read your novel,
but you let that guy read your novel?

- I didn't let him.
- Really?

Really, Aaron? Really?

Thank: a let.

let her go. She'll get over It.

Hey. At least that white guy finally get
what he deserved.

Let's me get this straight

Our father was having gay sax
with a guy that could flt In his pocket,

and you're mad 'cause He's white?

I don't give a fuck 'cause..
Leave me be. I'm grieving

Grieving

Hey, hi.

What the fuck Is he doing now?

Norman. Why are you grinning
like Louis Armstrong?

Aaron, Ryan,
could you please come to the study?

Smells like shit.

Excuse me

What? Walt a minute, Walt a minute.

Somebody ll an ambulance.
get an... get an ambulance.

It's... It's... There's no point.

What do you mean, there's no point?

I moan, look at him, Aaron. Ho's dead.

You mean, like dead dead?

- Is there any other kind of dead, Aaron?
- What did y'all do to him?

- We didn't do nothing.
- Well, you must’ve done something.

When we left, he was alive,

and I we: expecting to find him that way
when I get beck.

Ho get In a flight with the table
and the table won.

- This ls really bad.
- Yeah.

- Guys, what are we gonna do?
- About 2510 life.

I think I have somewhere else to be
right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ryan, I can't go to jail. I'm not jail type.

You know how fast a rash spreads
In prison?

Cut that shit out.
No one here knows who this guy ls.

Nobody knows his name.
They probably didn't oven notice him.

Didn't notice him? He's four fucking foot tall.

All we getta do ls get rid of the body.

It'll be like he came and left
- What are you gonna do,

put It on Craigs list?

Takes me two months to get rid of a couch!

Walt.

Did anybody no the size
of Uncle Edward's coffin?

You wanna bury him with our father?

I mean, why not?
It's not like anybody's gonna notice.

- Come on.
- Walt a minute.

You getta admit It makes sense, Aaron.
I moan, think about It.

The coffin's hare, the hole's In the ground.

I mean, unless you get a better suggestion,
big bro.

I say we bury the motherfucker.

It's funny. No matter what you say
or how many times you say It,

I'm still convinced
that we're gonna wind up together

Well, we all make mistakes, don't we?

Elaine, I'm serious.
You only live once. All right?

So, you might as wall do whatever It la
that's gonna make you the moat happy.

Maybe I found something outside of myself
that I truly care about.

And maybe you should, too, Derek.

And I'm not talking about my father
or his money.

Well, that's just...
that's just downright cold.

- I care about you, Elaine.
You don't, Derek. You care about you

You care about me In relation to
how I affect you.

Not true, Elaine. I deserve you. I do

- get over yourself.
- I'm serious.

What ls It about this guy?
What does he have that I don't?

Not success, right? Rlght?

Well, for one thing, He's caring

- Come on.
- You wouldn't cross a room

to help somebody In need,

and that's all Oscar ever does
- Come on.

He helps people. He's considerate

He's thoughtful. He's stable
- Yeah?

He's a bunch of things
that you will never be.

- Like naked on the roof.
- What?

Boy.

Oh, my God! Oscar!

Listen to me,
I should've done this hours ago

What are you doing?

I don't know, but come here
- Stop It! No!

Elaine? Oh, God
- Gal off me!

- Elaine
- Oh, my God!

Seriously
- Oscar!

Our, It's okay. What are you doing?

Could've had something beautiful, Elaine
- Oscar!

...But you had to ruin It.
Not oven bleeding. You hit like a girl.

Oscar! What are you doing?

- What am I doing?
- What are you doing?

- I saw you kissing him.
- No!

- No, I wan'! kissing him
- Yes, I just saw It.

You just kissed him
No, I didn't kiss him,

- I swear to you.
- One more thing, Elaine.

- You're a cheater.
- Shut up and get out of here!

She cheated on me. I'm gonna jump

No! Honey! Honey, please, calm down
that's It. I'm gonna go talk to Norman

You guys ere perfect for each other.

You have drugs In your system
- I'm gonna jump.

Oscar. No!

Our, get back here! Honey, please!

- I'm gonna jump.
Oscar, you're gonna hurt yourself

Oscar! Oh, my God!

Oscar, are you okay?
- I'm fine, I'm okay.

Look at all you ants. Shit.

Shit, this ls high up. Jesus Christ

So, how we gonna get him to the coffin?

What about that Louis Vuitton bag
you brought?

We could flt two of him In there.

You know, Aaron, this ain't about us. Okay?
Come on, y'all, think.

- We should smuggle him In the laundry bag.
- Wow.

Like they do In the prison movies.

Norman, It's Derek, let me In
- Shit!

- All right,let's put him In the bathroom.
- Norman!

Hold on!
Norman.

Hold on! I'm trying to find my pants!

What pants?
- Hold on!

Men, open the door. It's en emergency.

Norman, please, let me In
- Shit.

What the hell? Aaron?

What the hell's Uncle Russell doing
In the toilet?

- He had to go!
- I don't re, not In there, not now.

- What the hall's wrong with you?
- that's how I get old man poop...

Aaron? Open the door. Let's me In

- Hay, hay.
- Hay, Aaron.

I getta talk to Norman right now.

Yeah, I'm here. What's up?

Hay, man, It's Oscar.
Ha want crazy. Ha's up

- The hall's going on In here?
- Nothing. What?

It's Our, man. Ho went crazy.
He's up on the roof, Mark naked.

He saw me kissing Elaine
and now He's threatening to jump

- You were kissing Elaine?
Yeah, I told you she was In love with me

- Shit!
- Whit?

I getta... I getta go.

Whoa, hold up. Where you going, big boy?
- Ry, Ry, If he jumps,

my sister's gonna kill me

You know I wouldn't jump ship,
but I getta go. Aaron, I'm out.

Shit! I getta go. Lock up. Don't kill anybody.

SHe's cheating on me! That girl right there
- Please, come down, baby.

- I'm gonna jump now.
Oscar. Oscar, what are you doing?

She cheated on me!
- Oscar.

I didn't do anything! He kissed me!

Oscar! Try to get down

Please, come down, baby.

- I don't want you to hurt yourself.
- I saw you kissing him,

cheating on ma right In front of ma
What was that?

Can we just talk about It In here?
- Cheater, cheater, Derek eater,

had a dada, something, something
- Oscar, please!

You be quiet, Jezebel!
Cheaters never win, wlnners never cheat.

- I'm coming up

You don't wanna come back inside

-so I'm coming up.
- Elaine, this ls a man's job!

- You can't... Don't come up here!
- Don't do that! What are you doing?

- Elaine. Elaine
- You come up hare, I'm jumping.

One more flap, I'm...
I'm jumping off this roof.

- E: : I.'

- Elaine
- Don't come up here! I'm gonna jump.

What are you doing? Elaine

Hey.
Hey!

God, what are you doing now?
- Hey, hey, hey.

I think I n get rid of this guy,
but I need you to shy out here

and make sure that nobody comes In, okay?

Okay, fine, fine, fine. I'll do what I can

But, listen, you owe me
- Okay.

- Big time.
- Okay, okay, all the sperm you want.

- All the sperm you want.
- Yeah, please.

- Don't.
- All the sperm I want. All the sperm I want.

Okay

- Who ls It?
- It's Aaron.

Who do you think It ls? Open the door.

Everybody's outslde.
We getta move this body right now

- Well,let's do It.
- Let's go for It.

Let's me get my arms up
- Come on. Come on.

- You get that?
- Be gentle, be gentle.

Just because He's dead
don't mean he can't bruise

- He's small, but ho's heavy as shit.
- You turn him around this way.

- Come on. You go first.
Be careful with his head

- All right.
Be careful with his head

I wish Dad would've picked a smaller guy.

Quick.

Quick.

You get It. Come on

- Make sure no one comes In.
- Okay.

Hay there, young fellow.

- Hey, Reverend!
- You think I n find e phone somewhere?

There's something I wanna ask you.

At what age did you decide
to get your church on?

Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out.

- I really need to use the phone.
- that's cool.

- Was there one lnside here?
- No, there's no one lnside there,

but I need to make a confession.

- I'm not a priest.
- that's all right, 'use I'm not a Catholic!

It's just that, I know that I've been touched
In some religious fashion.

I'm addicted to strip clubs.

The smell, the pole, the stretch marks
the C-section scars.

I didn't know nothing about whip cream.
Nothing! I didn't even... 'Cause I'm diabetic,

so If I eat whip cream In the wrong place,
I'm gonna break out.

- get him?
- get him.

We can't just leave him like this

Well, In a mange way,
this might be what he wanted.

Come on, man.
You can't be serious for one damn second?

Just forget It, man.
that's just more Ryan bullshit

Why you getta say shit like that?

Why don't you try laughing, enjoying life?

Bo spontaneous for once.

It might make you a better writer.

- You done?
- Yeah, I'm done.

Let's do this.

Just this light came down on me,
and there was angels,

but they were dressed like strippers
- Look, look,

I really need to make e phone call.
There's a man outside on the roof

-and ho's about to jump.
- Don't worry about It.

- He gonna be jumping for joy after I get...
- Walt, Walt, hay!

But, Reverend, I haven'! finished telling you.

- I met Shalawnda In the strip club.
- Let's pray.

By'! Did.

- Oscar...
Don't come any closer,

-or I'm gonna jump off this roof.
- I love you. I only love you.

- What were you doing with him, then?
- I wan'! with him.

I saw you kissing him passionately
- He kissed me!

It doesn't matter. I'll never be good enough

- that's not true.
- I'll never be good enough for your f ether.

- I'm never gonna be good enough for you.
- Baby, come inside, please.

- No, you go inside.
You have to come with me

Why should I?

Because you're gonna be a father

- I'm pregnant?
- No.

- I'm pregnant.
- You're pregnant, too?

Yes. We're pregnant.

- We're gonna have a baby?
- Yeah.

Really?

Baby, you scared me. Don't do that

We're having a baby!

- Great.
- It's okay.

I wish somebody would give me a baby

You blow It, son!

This ls... It's upsetting for me, too

I'm gonna go check on Cynthia.

Aaron? Hurry up! People are coming inside

Aaron! Is he gone?

- looks like It.
- Well, everything's cool?

Everything's cool. It's...

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- Can we go now?
- Yeah.

Okay
okay

Oh, my God!

Oscar, hold on! Oh, my God!

Honey. Oh, shit.

- jeff!
- Fuck!

- Jeff Jeff, help me, please!
Stay... Stay right... Stay right there!

- Elaine, shy right there!
- Be careful, ho's on something.

- I get him, I get him.
- Okay?

Someone's coming up. You're gonna be fine.

- Jeff
I'm slipping, I'm slipping

Pull yourself back up!

Jeff Jeff, hurry up!

- Pull yourself back up!
- Okay, I can't do It.

Somebody, help me, please!
- Help me!

Jeff
Jeff

Oscar, I'm coming!
- Come on.

Oscar!

Baby, please, help me, help me
I can't hold you.

- Who's that?
- I get him. I get him.

Jeff It's Jeff
- Jeff?

my manhood ls being questioned right now

Just... Come on

- You have him?
- Yeah, It's on my cheek.

Okay. I'm letting go now!
- It's on my cheek, Elaine.

You're okay, Jeff has you
- He's incredibly endowed.

I could use some help here, please

- Yeah.
- I get you, buddy.

- You're so beautiful.
- Okay, I love you.

I love you!

HI, Ills: Cynthia.

Norman.

Is that you?

Aaron?

Aaron, I really think we should start again
- I'll get the reverend.

Ryan, thank you so much
for getting things back on track.

I am really so glad you're here.

Where's Uncle Russell?

I'm starting to feel better

- Good.
- Thank: to you. And you.

And you, Jeff. Thank you.

Thank you, Jeff.

- That was vary brave.
- Hay. Whoa, whoa.

Listen, no offence, but, like, me and you
can't never touch again.

Okay
okay

- Jeff.
- All right.

Thank you.

I need to go get,
like, a big-an Tic Tac right now.

Oh, God. Oh, baby.

- Oh, shit.
- Jeff...

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm just...
I'm just real vulnerable right now

Do you have those button: there?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- El Id.

Thank God you're safe
- Yes. We're good.

And you. You imbecile.
What the hell ls wrong with you?

Stay away from my daughter.

- Look, Dad...
- Elaine, shy out of this.

No! I'm not gonna shy out of It.
This ls my life.

You don't like It, too bad.
But I'm gonna tell you something

If you wanna have me
and my child In your life,

you better change your attitude.
You get that?

- I love you.
- my little girl.

Yeah.

I love you, too, Dad.

What the fuck's going on In here?

- Sorry, Uncle Russell.
Yeah, sorry about that

Somebody was on the roof,
and we just had to get him off.

Okay, I get your pants.
I get your pants. Hold on.

Never mind that. What about
that dead body you dragged In here?

- What...
- Dead body?

- No dead body.
- Hay, don't man with me!

I know a deed man when I see one.
I live In a goddamn retirement home.

Let's go, God damn It.
It smells In this room. Shit!

- How's the... How's the skin thing?
- I don't know.

I'm more concerned with the shit smell.
Can you toll?

Yeah, yeah, but the thing on your hand,
you just put a little vinegar on It.

That'll clear It right up.
It's an old family secret.

The shit thing, I can't help you with.

I would recommend a shower or a bath.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- I'm sorry about the whole Elaine thing, man.
- It's okay.

Did you hear sHe's gonna have a kid?
Can you no me as a dad?

"No

Well, this shit's been crazy.

You have people falling out of the casket
you get people hanging off the roof.

Can I have the keys?
I'm gonna go Walt In the r.

- What?
- I'm just tired.

Okay
okay

HOY

- Love you.
- Hay, I love you, too.

I saw him He was dead!

- I know you did, Uncle Russell. We all did.
- Shit.

No, dumbshit. In the bathroom.
Ho was In the bathroom dead.

I cannot believe
what a nightmare today has been

I don't know, I think It's kind of exciting
For a funeral.

Listen, about that stuff earlier, I
- I know, we'll work It out.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

Let's just get through this day

and than we'll worry
about the ran of our lives.

I still have to give this eulogy

After everything I found out.

We've really get
to get this damn thing started.

We've really get
to get this damn thing started.

Look, we're gonna have
to zip through this thing now, son.

I mean, I've already missed a funeral
and two christenings.

- Yeah, yeah, sure. let's... Let's flirt.
- Okay. You want a open casket?

- I lo!

All right.

Everybody In their seet: now.

- You with the hat?
- Yeah?

Sit on down.

Now, I'd like to apologise
on behalf of the family

for all of the distractions

Aaron, the oldest son, would like to say
a few words about his father.

Thank you.

Okay

my father was an exceptional man

'He was born In 19...'

- What the hell ls going on now?
- There's someone In there.

I knew It! I knew It!

'He was born In 1930...'

Shit.

Shit.

What the fuck!

What the fuck you doing
In my father's coffin?

Edward, I miss you!

Leave me with my Edward!

my picture. my beautiful memories

No, Mama, don't. Give me...

You bastard!

my father!

my father was an exceptional man

Did he have his faults?

Yeah.

But he worked hard for his family.

All I wanted to do today

we: tell him how much we ell loved,
cherished end respected him.

Is that really too much to ask for?

So, maybe he loved Dreamgirls
more than most men.

But, hay, life ls complicated.

We do our best

And Dad, he did his best

One thing he did

was teach us to chase after our dreams.

So, when you leave here today,

I went you to remember my father
for who he truly wee,

a loving, kind, gentle man,
that judged anyone,

who never can disparaging remark:

or held prejudice against any race,
creed, gender,

or height

And If I turn out to be just half the man
that my father was,

than the child I'm planning on having
with my beautiful wife

will be truly blessed.

Thank you.

Well done, son

It's gonna be good, boy.

Good job.

Our,let's not do this again.

I always thought he had a little sugar
In his tank.

Hay, how's Mom holding up?

SHe's good. Resting

You know, It's gonna take a while
for her to accept dad was...

You know.

She'll be okay.

You know, that was a pretty good sand-off
you gave the old man. You wrote that?

Some guy I met told me
I need to be spontaneous.

Yeah, well, Dad would've been proud.
I know I was.

Maybe when you're ready, you'll let me
take a look at that novel of yours.

Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm gonna send It to you next week.
- All right.

But you know Michelle getta read It first
- Okay.

I'm not going through that again.

All right. Well, thanks, big bro.

Sure you don't wanna shy another day?

get a good Laker game coming up.

- Your boy, Kobe.
- No.

I'd just be feeling sad or be In the way.

You know how It ls.
Probably gonna get on back.

You know, do my thing. Still getta grieve

Mo, too.

What? A brother's getta get to the airport.

Come on, you better make sure
you don't go to jail first.

Hey.
'Ryan.

- Sis.
Baby, listen,

-don't shy away so long next time, okay?
- I sure won't. All right, bro.

Hay, next funeral.

- Love you, man.
- Love you, too, man.

Wow, I see he get his ride

Yeah. R. Kelly used the same car service

Just like candy

I am worn out. This has been along day.

A long, long day.

- And guess what?
- What?

Now I'm Interested

No llama. No gunk. No Uncle Russell.

Where's Uncle Russell?
- He's upstairs.

I gave him a couple Valium
and put him to bod.

What?

Shit. Man.

Everything's so fucking green.