Dear Brigitte (1965) - full transcript

Beautiful place, isn't it?

The San Francisco Bay area.

Whoever first decided to settle here

must have been a poet,

and if everybody in this world

was as smart as he thinks he is,

why, this would be

the most populated community on earth.

Thank the good lord

the world is full of dumb bells.

Here in our little colony, you know,



we got only the best.

We have poets, artists, philosophers...

( laughing )

How's it going, George?

Good morning, captain!

Hi, captain... what you got there?

Oh, this is a block of driftwood.

I'm gonna do a little whittling.

Artist, George is.

He paints nudes.

In plain talk, nekked women.

Most men, when they go out to paint nudes,

They, I don't know, they hop out

And grab themselves a nekked model.



Not George.

That's his own wife who's posing for him.

That's his own, legal wife!

Kind of hard to figure out
that kind of reasoning.

Are you talkin' to me, sir?

No, I'm not talkin' to you!

Ever since that movie show Tom Jones,

People think other people

Are looking out and talking to them!

Why should I talk to him?

Oh, this is a fine place to live.

I used to own this boat
when she was in service.

When I sold it to the
professor six years back,

I didn't lose a home,

I gained a family.

Ahoy, vina!

Ahoy, captain!

That's the professor's wife, vina.

She's as pretty as the sunshine.

Keeps us all on an even keel, too...

Him, me, and the two kids.

Leaf is his name.

You know, the famous poet professor Leaf.

He teaches over at the University.

Now, all the folks around...
( dog yelps )

Oh, I'm sorry, compass.

Now, all the folks around here

Are his students or his ex-students,

Or just plain admirers,

And there's lots to admire
about professor Leaf,

Including his temper.

He teaches the english poetry course

Over at the University of coronia...

That's one of the biggest in the west.

The professor complains that the school's

More interested in their science department

Than in their arts.

Robert, your attitude is mediEval!

Your damn science... Dean
Sawyer, I've had it!

Just because they've got the world's

Biggest uranium-fueled nuclear power plant

Smack dab in the middle of the campus.

He sure hates that power plant,

And all that goes with it.

I don't care how smart they are,

Or how many degrees they've got,

Or how that nuclear gadget of theirs

Works on the drawing board,

An accident is still an accident,

And sooner or later they're gonna blow us

All to hell and gone out of here.

It's only a question of time
before one of those fellas

Shows up some morning with a hangover

And pulls the wrong switch

Or puts too much uranium in the plutonium,

And wham!

And don't think I didn't
tell 'em so, either.

( car backfires )

What's wrong, professor?

If I were president of the united states,

Do you know the first law
i'd propose to congress?

No, sir, I don't, and that's a fact.

I'd propose a law that would make it

A penitentiary offense to invent anything

That you couldn't uninvent

If it turned out to be a mistake.

Well, I'll drink to that one...

Vina: Robert?

Robert, don't tell me you resigned again.

No, dear, I did not resign again.

Well, what are you doing

Bringing home all your books again?

Well, there was a faculty meeting, dear.

Worst memory in California.

Captain, if you must talk to yourself,

Go someplace else and talk...

You're always talking to yourself.

Darling, tell me what happened.

Well, I'm positive I didn't resign.

I-I admit that I started to...

I even put it down on a piece of paper.

Oh, darling, you didn't get into a fight?

I certainly did not get into a fight.

I simply told the man that we didn't intend

To let science push the rest of us

Off the sidewalk.

And if he ever tried to put the squeeze

On the english poetry course,

I'd personally make it my
business to tear him apart!

Well, now.

What about your Dylan Thomas lecture?

Dang it. What time is it?

Nearly six bells.

Six bells. What's that in o'clock?

That's 3:00, darling.

You've just got time to make it.

W-wouldn't it be faster by car?

I thought you had the car today.

You know, that man once won

The pulitzer prize for poetry?

And then he forgot to pick it up?

( sprightly music playing )

No matter how many crises

The professor has during the day,

When evening gets here he
finds solace in music.

Everybody around here loves

The Leafs' family concerts.

( cello goes flat )

I used to love them myself

Before the boy took up the cello.

That was very good, ras.

Thanks.

Well, if that's all, dad,
I have some biology.

That's all, dear.
Thanks!

Night, Panny.

Good night!

Thank you, Erasmus.

Kenny! Hi, up here!

Well, it's about time.

I thought you'd never come.

I can only stay for a half hour.

I've gotta study my biology.

Well, that's why I'm here!

Oh, Kenny!

Shh!

Are you coming up?

Yes, in a few minutes, dear.

Uh, ras, i'd like to talk to you.

Oh, man-to-man stuff.

Already? I'm only eight.

You... sit over there, son.

You don't mind having a
little chat with dad, do you?

You know, we have to keep in touch,

We men in the family.

Nothing wrong, nothing like that,

It's just that i-i was thinking,

We had quite a few little bloopers

This evening, didn't we?

Did you notice them, too?

Here and there, yeah.

Here and there. That's a...

Nothing too serious.

Finest musicians in the world

Hit a clinker now and then.

We're not professionals.

We're simply a family that happens

To love music, wouldn't you say so?

Yes, sir.

Well, that's all that really matters, son.

That's all that matters... to love it.

It doesn't matter how
many mistakes you make,

As long as you've got it here.

And you know what this is.

Your shirt.

No, it's your heart.

It's your heart,

And as long as you've got it here,

That's all that matters.
And we've got it here...

You and mom and pan and me, haven't we?

Hearts?

Well...

Yeah. Sometimes it seems to me

That this whole world today is divided up

Between the people who've got hearts

And the people who haven't.

You mean, like the good guys

And the bad guys?

Well, t-that's a very
good way to put it, son.

Yeah, like the good guys and the bad guys.

And we wanna be the good guys, don't we?

Yes, sir.
Sure we do.

And as I say, making a few mistakes...

That's not important.

What's really important is are we trying.

Are we making an honest effort,

An effort from the heart...

Like practicing enough.

I think so.

Well, then, what about all those bloopers?

She couldn't help it.

Who couldn't help it?

Panny.

Well, son, I'm not sure
i-I'm following you.

You're mad because she
made all those mistakes.

Because she made all those mistakes?

She was trying very hard, dad.

You don't think you made any?

No, sir, not tonight.

None at all?

You said it was good, didn't you?

What's wrong?

Now, ras, I want you to...

To listen. Listen to this.

( playing "my country 'tis of thee" )

( playing dissonant chords )

Gee, dad, I didn't know
you could play the piano.

What was that?

"my country 'tis of thee."

What did you think of the way I played it?

Oh, that was great, dad.
That was just super.

Thanks a lot.

Well, it's about time
for bed, isn't it, son?

Yes, sir.

Don't say anything to Panny about it,

Will you, daddy? She tries so hard!

I won't say a word. Won't say a word.

Good night, daddy.

Good night, son.

Whoops. I nearly forgot my cello.

The captain: compass!

( dog growls )

Compass?

I spilled my pipe on him.

I gotta get me a fire-proof dog.

Compass!

Compass?

Honey, what I want you
to do tomorrow morning...

I want you to go into town

And buy Erasmus

Some paints and brushes and canvas.

What's this?

I just found out what's wrong

With his cello playing.

He's tone deaf!

Oh, no.

Either that, or he just naturally likes

The bad notes better than the good ones.

Darling, I'm sorry.

No, but we're not gonna give up on this thing.
It's just a wonderful little boy we've got there,

A really outstanding little fella.

Now, if we can just find out

What he's outstanding at,

And if it isn't music, maybe it's art.

Supposing it isn't art?

All right, then we'll try literature,

As soon as he learns how to spell.

If it's not literature,

We could try architecture...
Sure.

And philosophy...
Sure.

And flamenco dancing.
Sure.

Now, this is no joke, honey,

And besides, we're not gonna make

The same mistake with ras

That we did with Panny... just give up.

Oh, naturally not... Panny
was only a little girl!

What?

Well, you catch a father taking

The same trouble with his daughter...

But if it's his son, the works!

What are you talking about?

I couldn't love Panny anymore

If she were my own daughter!

And whose, pray, do you think she is?

I-i didn't mean that.

You've never shown that concern about her.

Well, in other ways I have.

And besides, how are you gonna
make an artist out of a girl

Who in the third grade decided to make it

Her sole aim in life to
marry a millionaire?

You know she's only kidding.

Oh, no, I'm not!

We're not talking to you!

You just show me a millionaire,

And you'll see whether I'm kidding or not.

This is cornelius vanderbilt calling.

I'd like to talk to Miss pandora Leaf

Regarding matrimony!

You keep out of this, George!

Yeah, George, put some clothes on your wife

And go to bed!

( laughing ) okay.

I'm... I'm sorry I said that about Panny.

I know she didn't mean it.

I hope you didn't mean it
about Erasmus, either.

He's so little, darling, and so sweet.

Do we have to push him just yet?

Now, look, honey, I never did pretend

To know anything about girls,

But you're talking about boys.

Now, that's something else again.

I happen to have been one myself,

And I'm telling you that this is

Exactly the age to lend them a hand

In his development.

You see, this little mind of his

Is just awakening,

And all around life is calling,

And it tries to answer, but it can't,

Because it's bewildered and confused.

This is that magical moment

Of childish innocence

When he just doesn't yet
know what he wants.

I... would... like...

To... kiss...

You... good... night.

Very... truly...

Erasmus.

( door closes )

Erasmus... Leaf.

You mark my words... five years from now,

There'll be nothing on
this campus but science.

Nothing but scientists as
far as the eye can see,

As far as the eye can see!

And all that old-fashioned jazz

That used to clutter up a college,

Like literature and philosophy and art,

Forget it. Forget it!

It'll be as dead as the minuet.

And instead of studying man

And his dreams of beauty,

Everybody'll be working on a machine

That smokes virginia hams electronically

Or makes a hen lay eggs
like a machine gun...

Pthump, pthump, pthump...
Like a machine gun!

And maybe there's a great big whopper...

A machine that does so much, so fast,

That it automatically throws a million men

Out of work by this afternoon at 5:00.

This afternoon at 5:00... personally,

I don't want to fly

From san francisco to new york in an hour,

With my stomach hung up
over denver someplace.

I don't wanna do that!

Male student: you tell 'em, prof.

Female student: but what's
going to happen to us

Five years from today?

Huh? What?

I said what about us, five years from now?

Well, if you mean by "us"

The crackpots that think
that a sonnet by shakespeare

Is worth more than 500 scientists

Sitting around on the moon

Wondering how they're gonna get home,

I...

I guess we'll just stay here

Until they're all up there,

And then we'll resume
where sanity left off.

I guess... i guess that's
what's gonna happen to us.

( laughing )

Why the cab? You leave the wagon in town?

Something happen?

The wagon break down?

Wagon? What...

Well, where's that note that vina pinned

On your lapel this morning?

Oh, I don't know.

( grunts )

"don't give him a ride home

Because he has the car today."

Dang it.

Hey! Hey, taxi!

Robert,

Can you please come here?

But I left the car
over... over... over... at the...

But this is important, love.

Come on in.

He's the only man I know who sends candy

To his father on mother's day.

Oh, good afternoon, Miss Eva.

How do you do?
Hi, ras.

Well, has this young fella
been acting up in class?

Oh, no, indeed, professor.

Not Erasmus.

Would you explain to my husband

Exactly what happened?

It was really amazing.

I was standing...

I think it would be better if you told him

Exactly the same way as you told me.

Well, this was Erasmus' first
day in the third grade,

And we have arithmetic right
after the noon recess.

Well, I was standing at the board,

Giving the class a rather difficult
multiplication problem...

Let's see who gets the answer first.

Erasmus: 108.

Now, Erasmus, is that nice?

You know we mustn't look
in the back of the book.

I haven't got a book.

All right, then, let's try this one.

2,414.

You mean you did that in your head?

I don't know.

In that case, young man,

Let's see you try this one.

353,853,640.

Well, you can imagine my astonishment.

Yes, yes, I can.

Without the faintest shadow of a doubt,

He's a true prodigy,

A true mathematical prodigy.

Uh-huh.

Well, I thought you and Mrs. Leaf

Would like to know at once.

That was most thoughtful of you.

I'd better hurry, now, if I'm to catch

Dean Sawyer before he leaves.

You don't mean you're gonna tell him!

Oh, will he be happy!

Miss Eva, I wonder...
Yes?

Do you think we could keep this a secret?

You don't mean from Dean Sawyer, do you?

Y-y-just for a little while,

While we study the situation.

Now, as you know better than anybody else,

This could have a very important bearing

On the whole of the rest of his life!

Now, if we could feel free to come to you

For advice from time to time...

Oh, you must.

And you're quite right...

It's the child we've got to think of first,

Not the mathematician.

Yes, that's right, exactly.

And I knew you'd understand,

And we appreciate this very much.

My lips are sealed.

Thank you, Miss Eva.
Bye, now.

Bye!
Good-bye, Miss Eva.

Well, ras, you certainly...

You certainly, uh,

D-w-what... is it some sort of a trick?

No, sir.

Well, then, how'd you do it?

I don't know.

Some sort of a trick, you know, b-bu...

Because I couldn't multiply...

Even mom, she couldn't mm...

How much is 1,726 times 8,726?

15,061,076.

Is that right?

Uh, uh, that's pretty good, ras,

But I want to tell you something.

I don't want you to do it anymore,

Because if they find out about this,

Do you know what they're going to say?

No, sir.

They'll say there goes that Erasmus Leaf.

He's a mathematician!

( whispers ) gosh.

And we don't want that, do we?

No, sir.

Of course not. Of course we don't,

So we'll just keep this our own, little,

Closely-guarded family secret, huh?

That's a boy.

Vina?

Vina?

Where's your mother?

Oh! I think she's downstairs, isn't she?

What are you doing?

Nothing!

Well, don't do it so close together.

Thank you, sir.

Vina?

Vina!

See this?

Oh, dear.

Hello, Evening Herald? Give me the editor.

Now, just a minute, darling.

I'm gonna give him his choice...

Either print a full retraction
of the whole nonsense,

Or he's gonna hear from me.

Yes, but it's true.
Yes, who is it?

Wh-what di-did you say?

It's true.
Hello?

What, the headlines of the story?

Hello, who is this? Are you there?

H-what do you want?

You called me. What do you want?

D-d-don't bother me. I'm busy!

When it happened, I had no idea

They were going to print
it in the newspaper.

L-l-let's not panic, now,
let's just keep calm,

And l-let's examine the
situation, uh, coolly.

All right, now, w-w-what happened?

It was the afternoon that I went to buy

The paints for Erasmus,

And we stopped by the bank to cash a check,

And they were just getting ready to close.

There we are.

I'll be right back.

Good afternoon, young man.

This is wrong.

The statement?

It's $1,012 too much.

Well, I'll just have to
fire our bookkeeper,

Won't i, young man?

Yes, sir.

All set.

Off we go.

Your son was just pointing out

That our balance is in error.

Oh, well then, that's quite possible.

$1,012 too much.

I'd advise you to call

The attention of your manager to that.

I am the manager, Mrs., uh...

Leaf. Uh, if Erasmus found a mistake...

Mrs. Leaf, if housewives

Kept their checkbooks as well balanced,

We in banking would have very little...

We're not discussing housewives' balances,

Mr. Manager, we're discussing yours.

And if my son says that you're in error,

There's a very strong possibility

That you are in error.

My dear lady, I don't know

How bankers in england operate,

But here in america, we have...

In england, my dear sir,

The bankers are acutely aware of the fact

That the young people of today

Are the banking customers of tomorrow,

And they make every effort
to instill confidence,

Both in their management
and in their arithmetic.

Have you a copy of this statement in there?

Yes, sir.

Run it through the machine again.

It's in the bottom bunch of numbers.

Fortunately, Mrs. Leaf,
we are in a position

To give you a prompt and exact
tabulation of these figures,

Which I trust will instill you and Erasmus

With the confidence you obviously had

In the bayshore national bank

When you opened your
account at this branch.

Excuse me.

Can we go now, mom?

Don't you want to wait
and see if you're right?

Manager: how much?

1,012.

It was 1,012.

That poor kid.

That poor, spooky little kid!

Hey, there he is!

( clamoring )

How old are you, son?

Excuse me, please.

Wait a minute, mother!

We wanna talk to him about it!

Tell us what happened...

We're trying to get a story, lady!

( honking )

Robert: halt!

( woman shrieks)

We're the press.

Just back off!

We wanna see Erasmus.

Well, you're not going to.

My son's only eight years old,

And that's entirely too young

To be mixed up in all this publicity.

Your son is news!

And we wanna see him.

You're not going to see him.

Come on, we just wanna talk to the kid.

Now, look, I'm through talking,

And the first one that
tries to board this vessel

Is gonna have to answer to this.

You got a license for that gun?

I not only have a license for this gun,

But as commanding officer of this boat,

Registry number 592777,

It's my duty to use this gun

For the defense of my ship

Against pirates and against anybody

That tries to board this ship illegally.

Now, get out of there.

Now, cut it out, you nut.

Come on, professor, we just wanna talk.

Go on, beat it!

The safety's on.

Oh? ( gun fires )

( screaming )

Darling, there's a call from new york.

Will you take it?

All right, but you fellas...

I'll warn you not to make any sudden moves.

This friend of mine's a hysteric.

I'll take care of 'em.

Hello?
Hello, professor.

This is Harvard associates.

Harvard?
That's right.

Now, without thinking, just
off the top of your head,

What is your reaction to this title...

Ready?
What title?

"meet the kid."

Beat the what?

Meet the kid.

I-i-i-i think I must have Missed something.

The idea is this, professor.

Each week, Erasmus would face

A panel of top mathematicians,

Physicists, biochemists...
What for?

Well, I throw out a problem.

The clock ticks, tick tick tick,

And the eggheads try to beat the kid!

He couldn't possibly do a thing like that!

That's the most ridiculous thing...

What's ridiculous, if we feed him

The answers ahead of time?

Say, did you say "Harvard"?

That's right. Edgar Harvard.

I package TV shows.

Why... you...

Scoundrel.

Fella like that oughta be taken out!

( gunshot )

Exactly.

( crowd murmurs )

Doggone that safety!

Huh!

Yeah?

Dad, um,

I know that you're
working, but kenneth and I

Have just had the most marvelous idea.

You'll never guess what it is!

Look!
What's that?

It's ras!
Ras?

Isn't it gorgeous?

George painted it, next door.

Well, has he run out of canvas?

This is just a sample!

You know, Kenny works part-time at sears...

Well, we're gonna go into business

And sell them the Erasmus Leaf sweatshirt,

$1 apiece!

Get rid of it.

Rid of it? You can't ignore

An absolutely fantastic idea like this

To make money... you don't know

How much you can make from
a deal like this, dad.

Now, Panny, there is absolutely no deal

In which I would sanction
your brother's countenance

To sop up the body fluids

Of countless sweaty little boys!

But, daddy, how can you be like that?

Like what?

What's so special about ras?

I mean, if Beethoven can do it...

What's Beethoven got to do with it?

You know, sir, the Beethoven sweatshirts.

Yeah, huh?

Ludwig von Beethoven on a sweatshirt?!

Mm-hmm, and Brahms, too.

I don't believe it.

We sell a lot of them at sears,

And Brahms is very big at stanford.

Now, wait a minute...
Listen to me, both of you.

Now, I've been sitting here for hours,

Trying to complete one
single line of poetry...

One single line of poetry!

And I'm afraid that I just am not gonna

Be able to find the words,
because the only word

I can think of right now is "sweatshirt"!

Now, take that thing out and burn it!

Yes, sir.

You're passing up a fortune...

That's what you're doing.

First the TV show, and then life magazine

And look and the world's fair...

No wonder we've never had anything,

And with that attitude, you know,

We'll just never, ever have anything!

Now, Panny...
Like a new car

And a real house with a
garage to put it in,

And a new dress for the prom!

Pandora!

I'm sorry, Panny.

I'm really, keenly sorry if you feel

I've failed to provide for my family.

Daddy...

I do love you,

But you're just so darn square!

Is the whole world going mad?

It always has been, darling.

It's just that you've never noticed it.

Raising kids is such a
darn hard business...

It's a shame that just
anybody is allowed to do it.

They oughta have a license for the job,

Like plumbers and teachers.

I... was... thinking...

All... day...

( door closes )

Shh.

( whispering ) what do you want?

I, um, I need some help with my math.

Dad doesn't want me to, ever.

It's in the family, ras.

I'll give you a chocolate bar.

Do you have any stamps?

Stamps? You don't collect stamps.

New ones. Airmail.

Oh, okay. I'll give you two...

Six.

Six? Three.

I'll give you three

If you can tell me the square root...

What's a square root?

That's a number that you multiply

By itself to get another number.

Like two times two is four.

Two is the square root
of four... d'you get it?

Oh.
Great.

But these have to be done

To the nearest thousandth.

The square root of 221.

14.866.

Oh, you beautiful...

Don't do that to me!

Shh!

Sweetie?

Mm?

D-do you...

Do you... do you think a psychiatrist

Could do anything for ras?

A psychiatrist?

Yeah, you know, those fellas

That understand everything you're saying

Even though you don't know
what you're talking about?

Robert... Don't you think

You're overdoing the situation a bit?

I mean, I know how unhappy you must be...

Your son, a mathematician!

Our son.

Mm-hmm, and I can imagine

The kidding you're getting at school.

No, it doesn't have anything to do with it.

Doesn't have anything to
do with it, believe me.

Honey, in this world today

There are two cultures...

The humanities and science.

Now, this happens to be

Where the road forks for our son.

Now, what are we gonna do...

Are we gonna help him choose a way,

Or aren't we gonna help him choose a way?

It's as simple as that.

There's... there's Dr. Volker.

Oh, well, he's a nut.

Why?

Well, he just looks like one.

All the really good ones do.

You want me to call him?

I think maybe you'd better.

I think maybe you'd better call him.

Ah, good morning, Mrs. Leaf.

Good morning, doctor.

Erasmus, this is Dr. Volker.

Good morning, Erasmus.

Good morning, sir.

I'm going to leave you both alone

So that you can talk about things together.

What things?

You just leave that up to the doctor,

And lie on the couch.

Oh, no, no, not with children,

Never on the couch, never.

Well, you just tell the doctor

Whatever he wants to know,

And I'll be right outside waiting for you.

Thank you, Mrs. Leaf.

Please sit down, young man.

So. You are interested in numbers?

No, sir.

But your mother said so on the telephone.

Mathematics? Calculations?

What are you interested in, then?

Brigitte Bardot.

What did you say?

Brigitte Bardot.

( slaps hands )

You'd better lie on the couch.

One more, now, ras.

No, no more malteds. I want 50 cents.

Half a buck!

Don't be greedy. Give him a quarter.

Here, five for a buck, deal?

Deal.

Okay, now pay close attention.

An elevator in a 60-story building

Makes the following trips,

Starting from the first floor:

Up 20 floors, down 4.

Up 8, down 3.

Down 17, up 10.

Down 1, up 5.

Up 11, down 22.

Where is the elevator now?

Seventh floor.

Good, okay. Next one.

What kind of a kid is that?

Haven't you heard about my brother?

Ole ras here's our answer
to IBM... a human computer.

All you have to do is drop
the jazz in the slot,

And bingo! Listen, ready?

Okay, if a pilgrim father

Had bought a bond worth $1

The day he landed at plymouth rock,

And if that bond bore compound interest

At five percent per year,

How much would that $1 bond be worth today?

Huh?

He has to know when that was.

Oh. December 16th, 1620.

$18,532,311...

See?

And 42 cents.

Say, that's a very useful kid.

You ever try him on anything practical?

Like what?

Well, if you have nothing
better to do later,

I have an idea that might present

A point or two of interest to both of us.

Next. A gallon of certain coins

Is filled, with 225 square foot surface...

Did you finish the dishes
already, young man?

Panny's taking my turn.

Oh, you switch weeks, huh?

No, but she'll do anything for money.

Excuse me, captain.

( growling )

You ready?

Yeah, ready.

How you doing, ras?

This is orville... remember him?

Hi.

Hiya, kid, how are ya?

Here you go.
Okay, shoot.

Go ahead.

Well, in the first race of six furlongs,

The purse is $2,000 for 3-year-olds.

( humming )

Mom, dad, Kenny's here.

Uh, do you mind?

All right, Panny, but not for long.

Okay, my homework is all done.

Honey, that boyfriend of Panny's...

Is it conrad?

Kenneth, darling.

Kenneth darling.

Does he have any dough?

No. That's really rather tragic.

She'd set her heart on
marrying a zillionaire,

And now she's falling for a pauper.

The reason I asked,

I saw him in a new car this afternoon.

But I suppose that's the way

It is with paupers these days.

No, it couldn't have been his,

Because he's working his way through school

Clerking at sears roebuck.

Sure pay well.

Do you think we could
drop romance for a bit?

That's no way to drop romance for a bit.

Come here.

Dean Sawyer called this afternoon.

Uh-huh?

He just wondered whether a few

Of the math professors could have

A little chat with Erasmus.

No, no. No, no.

Well, I said yes.

Not a chance.

Don't you realize what this means?

I do.

They're gonna stick him

Into that experimental school of theirs,

The one where they train the
little junior exploders

To be tomorrow's big exploders.

Now, just get on the telephone

And tell them you've made a mistake.

Does it ever occur to you
that Erasmus is half mine?

But that's the wrong attitude.

I don't mind telling you that

I'm gonna let them test my half.

Well, they're not gonna touch my half.

If my son is exceptional in some way,

I want to find out all I can...

It's the wrong way to be exceptional.

For you, maybe, but speaking for myself,

I'd rather be the mother

Of a good mathematician
than a lousy artist.

That's just not fair.

Now, he's just starting out in his artwork.

How can you possibly tell...

Well, I can.

The first thing he painted
was the American flag.

I'd like you to see it.

He's color blind.

He's colorblind.

First he's tone-deaf, now he's colorblind.

What next?

So, now you want to marry Miss Bardot, hmm?

Yes, sir.

Why?

I love her.

I see.

More than anybody else in the whole world.

Tell me, my boy, you hate your mother?

Oh, no, sir.

You love her.

Yes, sir.

You want to marry her?

No, sir.
Why not?

She's pretty, too, isn't she?

Yes, sir, but she's already married.

Aha! You hate your father!

No, sir, but I don't
wanna marry him, either.

That's sensible.

I just want it clearly
understood, Dean Sawyer,

That I'm allowing

This exploitation of my son

Under strong protest.

Again, Robert, this is not

An exploitation of the lad,

This is merely a comparative study...

I know, but I just want
it clearly understood

That no matter what the outcome,

You're not going to transfer this boy

Into that little experimental
school of yours.

Now...
The junior exploders!

Now, Robert...

I just want it clearly understood!

All right, let's get this over with.

Well, here's our little genius.

You know professor and Mrs.
Leaf, of course, doctor,

Of course.

Now, if you're ready, I'm sure Erasmus is,

Aren't you, my boy?

Ready for what?

The doctor just wants to ask you

Some questions, darling.

And if you can't answer them,

Just say so, son,

It's perfectly all right.

Do the best you can.

I want a dollar.

Oh, no dollar, son, now, come on.

Then I won't let my head work.

Here you are.

Wait a minute, Dean.

Here you are.

There's a dollar.

Acts like his sister.

All right, then, schlogg,
let's have the first one.

Yes. Young man,

Into this electronic computer,

We have fed the following data...

The nearest star to our earth

Is proxima centauri.

It takes four years and three months

For light from this star to reach us here,

And light travels at the speed

Of 186,000 miles a second.

Now, then.

When Dr. Gold activates the machine,

It will tell us how long it
will take a space rocket,

Traveling at the speed
of 22,000 miles an hour,

To reach that star.

Can you give us the answer, Erasmus?

129,354 years,

199 days, 2 hours,

10 minutes, and 54 seconds.

( processing slows, bell dings )

Why, the boy is absolutely right, sir.

And twice as fast.

I've never seen anything
like this in my life!

Incredible! The boy's a genius.

That's all. Come on, son.

Oh, no, not yet, please.

This could have been an accident.

Accident?

One more, if you don't mind.

Will you excuse us?

I would like to have
Erasmus and the machine

Divide 17,590,038,552,578 by 680.

It can't.

The computer?

No, sir.

But 680 won't go into it even.

Well, we'll see.

( buzzer )

( whirring, popping )

How in the world did you...

The only numbers that'll go into it

Are 8,191, and 2,147,483,647.

Those are the only ones.

Can we go now?

That's all. That's all.

Dr. Leaf, may I impose for a moment?

The state highway department...

No, no, no, no, no.

Now, if you'll please leave, all of you.

Darling, it's their office.

Oh.

I got your summons, Dean Sawyer.

Obviously. Professor Leaf,

This is lt. Rink, of the...

Oh, no you don't. Oh, no.

Now, no offense, lieutenant,

But I've taken this stand

For the protection of my son,

And defense department or no...

Lt. Rink is not with the
department of defense.

You can call me irresponsible,

Call me an old fossil,
downright un-American...

Will you please be seated

And allow us to say something?

Sit down, here, all of you.

The whole crowd of you.

Now, what you want me to do

Is to exploit my boy.

Now, what none of you seem to realize

Is what's happening to Erasmus.

Ever since this whole weird phenomena

Started revealing itself,

This poor kid has been
withdrawing into himself,

And something's happening to him,

Which, very frankly,

Is starting to trouble me deeply!

It's causing us trouble, too, professor.

Let's all just forget
about the whole thing,

Let the storm die down,

And permit this kid

To lead a normal little boy's life!

Such as devoting his talents

To the handicapping of horses?

To what?

Lt. Rink is from the sheriff's office.

Professor, your son has
been supplying information

To one of the most active betting rings

We've uncovered in some time.

Right here on this campus!

Erasmus?

What kind of information?

He wouldn't know

A racehorse from a jackass.

His information is computed
from published data,

And he is far and away

The most successful handicapper

Our department has ever encountered.

Well, you must be joking about this.

The kid's eight years old!

You know kenneth taylor, don't you?

A friend of your daughter's?

I thought his name was kenneth darling.

Taylor.

And orville snod?

No, I don't know him.

They were suspended this morning

After a confession in which they said

Your son had picked 17
straight winners for them.

Little ras?

Did you or did you not know
about this, professor?

Are you accusing me of using
my own son as a toot?

Toot?
Well, isn't that what you call it?

Racetrack toot?

Tout.

So after all these years...

Well, this is the last straw!

Here, give me a piece of paper.

Now, look, Robert.

If this don't show you...

Robert, you know, one of these days,

I'm going to accept one
of your resignations!

You're going to accept this one!

And if I ever set foot
on this campus again,

I hope somebody shoots me!

That's all!

Robert, please!

Excuse me, sir.

Robert, you don't mean this!

It's final! This time, it's final!

( car backfires )

But daddy, please!

You stay out of this, Panny.

This is between me and
what's-his-name, here.

Believe me, I was only trying...

You shut up, too.

I want an explanation

For this outrageous behavior.

But, daddy, Kenny's trying to explain.

Why doesn't he say something?

Well, sir, I was only...

You've corrupted an innocent child.

Now, get out, and I don't want

To see you lurking around here anymore.

Yes, sir.
Where are you going?

You told me to leave!

Not until you explain!

Daddy, wait till mom brings ras home,

And then we'll show you how it works!

I want $3.

But ras, you can't charge

Just to show mom and dad

How you figure horses!

Ras, this is just for practice... no bets.

Well, I don't care. $3.

You see? The boy's tainted.

But the only thing he ever

Spends money for is stamps.

You collect stamps, ras?

No, sir.

Well, come on.

Let's get on with the exhibition.

And no money, ras!

Pick a race.

They have to feed him so many statistics,

One race a day is about all he can do.

But with ras, one's enough!

Okay, razzle-dazzle, here we go.

The six at tanforan.

Seven furlongs for maidens.

Weather clear, track fast.

Track record 121.2.

First, al's rose.

Last time out at the distance,

Third by two lengths in a time of 1:28.

Second, vesuvian.

Last time out at the distance...

And at the turn, it's al's rose,

On the inside between horses

With vesuvian and abladon.

Sister melba!

It's vesuvian and abladon, neck and neck.

Where is she, ken?
Shh.

Vesuvian is moving up,

And abladon is pulling away from al's rose.

Oh, I'll die!

I'll just simply perish!

Al's rose drops back as
crown me moves in behind...

Oh, dear.

Now it's crown me and
abladon with vesuvian.

And now on the outside,
the long-shot five horse

Is making a move into the
home stretch. It's...

Come on, sister melba!

Sister melba! Passing carry some home.

Sister melba and al's rose
with tip up, the favorite,

Still trailing.

Past the grandstand, it's vesuvian

Fighting off sister melba...

Come on, sister melba!

Under the whip.

There goes sister melba!

And she wins it by a hair.

What did I tell you? Ras hasn't Missed yet.

Good ole ras!
Shh.

Let's hear what she paid.

Sister melba paid $58.20 to win,

Yipes!
$24.80 to place,

And $16.00 to show.

You see, sir, for a modest investment,

We would now be ahead
several hundred dollars.

Don't you see, dad,

Ras is like diamonds on the sidewalk.

All you've gotta do is just
bend down and pick 'em up!

My interest is not for
myself, believe me, sir.

I wish only to make enough money

So I can marry Panny.

A million dollars?

It doesn't have to be a whole million.

Well, what about your education?

With money like this,

Who needs an education?

And I could get someone
in to do the laundry.

Well, daddy?

Well, what?

Well, is it okay, sir, for Erasmus.

Of course not.

Robert.

What's wrong with it?

We can't use our child like that, honey,

To gamble with.

But is it immoral?

Well, no. I...

Can't say it's exactly immoral...

Illegal?

Illegal is purely a matter of geography.

Well, then, what is it?

It just doesn't feel right.

If you agree

That it isn't immoral or illegal,

What's wrong with picking up

Some of those diamonds off the sidewalk?

Well, i-it's just the...

Honey, in there, just a little bit ago,

You... you said about getting someone in

To do the washing.

Oh, darling, I didn't mean it

To sound like censure,

It's just that I suddenly realized

How... how tired I was of housework

When the horse won and paid $58.

Now I haven't even got a job.

Robert.

Oh, honey, i-i...

I'm sorry, but job or no job,

I just cannot in all conscience

Turn ras into a slot machine.

I... all I've ever really wanted is a son

Who likes a least a few
of the things I like,

And to play catch with me

Every once in a while, that's all.

And if we can help him over this crisis,

Maybe he'll turn out to be a son like that.

I'll go and start the dinner.

Vina...

Yes?

Are you concerned?

I mean, about my making
the resignation final?

When I married that tall,
skinny rhodes scholar,

I never expected champagne
suppers every night.

I have ways of preparing spaghetti

That I haven't even tried yet.

Robert, please explain to your daughter.

What's the matter?
I can't go to the prom!

Why not?

Well, how can I in last year's dress?

Oh, Panny, I always thought that was

The prettiest dress you ever had!

Oh, with every other
girl there in a new one?

Oh, you can't fix this
one over or anything?

Oh, now, daddy, really... I just couldn't!

If you want a new dress,
we'll get you a new dress,

And it'll be the prettiest one there, too.

Daddy?

Well, we'll get you a new dress.

Thank you! I just love you to death!

Thank you!

Sure.
You know, Robert,

Sometimes your impracticality

Goes too far.

Now, if a dress means so much to her, dear,

We'll just dip into the old nest egg.

The old nest egg?

That's what it's for,
isn't it... emergencies?

Have you any idea how much
is left in the old nest egg?

Exactly $18.35.

Oh, well, that's not correct.

You're so wrapped up in the humanities

That sometimes you forget
that a teacher's wife

Has to handle at least
52 emergencies a year.

Why do you have to make such rash promises

To Panny without consulting me?

You must have realized why
I brought her up here.

Yes, yes, i...

Looking back on it, yes.
But I made the promise.

I'm just gonna have to make good on it.

Well, how do you intend to do that?

Well, i...

It seems to me that years ago,

During the Roosevelt administration,

Didn't they have something
called social security?

When you're 65 years old, yes.

But Panny'll be a grandmother by then.

Oh, no, no, but this had something to do

With unemployment insurance, too.

You know, where you get
paid for not working?

It was sort of like the subsidies

They give to farmers for
not raising any crops.

I have to check on that tomorrow.

I'll, uh...

I'll check on that.

You're next, sir.

Me?

Step up.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll take it in small bills, please.

That's how you'll get it,

As soon as you meet the requirements.

I thought I had met the requirement.

I'm unemployed.

Well, first, you go over there

And fill out the forms,

Then come back.

What forms are they?

Well, this'll explain it.

We have to try and get you a job.
Why?

This is the state employment bureau.

I thought it was the unemployment bureau.

Oh, no, no, no. It works like this...

You're unemployed, and we
try and get you a job.

But I've had a job,

And now I'm here to get my money.

What kind of work do you do, anyway?

I'm a poet.

Oh, boy.

This morning so far,

I've had an oyster opener,

A balloonist, a circus fat lady

Who claimed she went on a
diet and lost her job,

But now I got me a poet.

Well, I am a poet. My
name's Robert Leaf. Here.

I'm in this anthology, here.

My name's in that book.

See this?

My name's in this book.

That don't make me a telephone.

Now, you go over there
and fill out the forms

And bring 'em back like a good boy, huh?

When do I get my money?

Not today... there'll be

A two-week waiting period.

Two weeks!

Well, is the rule inflexible?

Don't you ever make any exceptions?

Believe me, if I could make an exception,

You'd be the first one
i'd make it for, cutie.

( chuckling ) huh?

Thank you.

Dad? Hey, dad!

Oh.

Did you get it, daddy?

Uh, no.

There was a woman back there

With a funny twitch in her eye.

She said I had to wait two weeks.

Oh.

You see, son, the government

Never waits to take your money,

But they sure waltz you around

Before they give some of it back.

I've got some money.

Poor Panny, now,

She's expecting that dress on friday...

Could I help you, dad?

What, you mean, quitting Dr. Volker?

No, you don't have to worry about that.

He can wait to be paid.

I mean, to buy Panny's dress.

I've got some money.

Where'd you find that?

I saved it up from doing problems.

Here, you can buy Panny's dress with it.

You know, you're a
first-class little fella.

You know that, ras?

You are.

You're first-class.

I've lost the key to the car.

It's in there.

Oh.

Thank you, son.

( trolley bell rings )

Oh, Miss durante,

This gentleman would like to see a dress.

Would you help him, please?

Yes, certainly.

What would you like?

Well, we'd like to buy a dress

For this young man's sister.

Well, now, how old is the young lady?

Uh, well, let's see.

Panny is, uh...

18.

She is?

You're in the right department.

Did you have anything special in mind?

Uh, yes. We'd like something pretty.

Something with... sort of...

Something pretty.

Of course, but what type of dress?

For school? For a party?

For a party... it's the school prom.

Oh, we have several attractive styles

In prom dresses.

What size is she?

Uh, well, now...

Pan is... About there,

Wouldn't you say, son?

About.

Is she slender or buxom?

Could you suggest approximately...

She's skinny.

No, she's not skinny.

Well, she's not buxom.

No, she's not buxom, but Panny is...

Panny is a... sort of...

A darn good-looking young lady.

Panny?

( chuckling ) why don't I just show you

Some things for your selection,

And if we pick the wrong size,

She can exchange it herself.

That's be fine. That's a good idea.

Now, if you'll have a seat,
I'll be right with you.

Fine, thank you.

Looks very nice on you.

Excuse me, please. I'll be right back.

How 'bout this one?

Oh, you like that one?

Well... it's too short on you.

Mm, I don't...

We're shopping.

I see.

I don't know, son.

Oh, Miss, I beg your pardon,

But I have a daughter,

And we're trying to figure out...

Figure... course, she's not as big...

Big as you... what is your size?

I'm 36-23-35.

That's 94.

Is that right?

I'm a 10.

Well, she's 18...

I mean I'm size 10.

Oh. And...

That, um,

Well, I wonder, would I be presumptuous

If I asked you to... if you... would you...

K-k-t-try that on?

Just what is the meaning of this, sir?

What do you mean?

Accosting my niece in this manner!

I-I'm n...

He just asked me to try on a dress, sugar.

I wasn't accosting the lady.

I distinctly saw you stop my niece...

All I said to the girl was...

You... you look familiar.

I know you, don't i?

Well, how do I know you know me?

Leaf! Professor Robert Leaf!

Well, that's right.

My dear professor, forgive me...

Who doesn't know one of the world's

Great men of letters?

I'm Dr. Peregrine Upjohn.

Oh, Dr. Upjohn.

Perhaps you're familiar

With my treatise on elizabethans,

Published when I taught at Pelham u?

No.

Mm. Well, no matter, then.

Let me shake the hand
that has written words

Noble enough to rank with whitman.

Well, you're too kind, sir.

This is Miss eugenia clove, my niece.

How do you do, Miss clove?

I'm very pleased to meet you.

My dear, do try on the
dress for the professor.

I'd be happy to.

Thank you.

Now, you must be...
Yes, this is my son, Erasmus.

Yes, we've all read about this young man.

Dr. Leaf, if you can forgive my outrage,

Will you do me the honor of taking tea?

Well, I have to get the boy

To the doctor at six...

Uh, perhaps some other time?

You could come over to the house...

I'd be honored. Have you got a card?

I'm afraid I don't have a card,

But I could write the address down.

Oh, fine.

It's, uh, right near here.

Here we are.

Several selections.

I like the red one!

So, I am the only one
in the world who knows

That Erasmus Leaf is in love
with brigitte Bardot, hmm?

No, sir.

Well, who else knows?

Brigitte Bardot.

How?

I told her in my letters.

You write letters to Miss Bardot?

Every night.

All right.

You better forget about her, now.

I can't.

Try.

Now, tell me, what did you do today?

I went shopping.

Oh?

And what did you buy?

A dress.

You better wait out here.

Schnell!

Yes, doctor?

Please send me in here the boy's mother.

She isn't here, today, sir.

His father's here.

That's even better. The father.

Brigitte Bardot.

Brigitte Bardot.

Yes, sir, you may be colorblind, son,

But you're a green-blooded

All-American boy.

The professor and ras

Should have been home an hour ago.

I don't know, you...

You put a father and son together...

They're liable to go out and celebrate

The fact that they're men.

And that's worth celebrating,

Especially these days,

When so many women wear pants.

( barking )

Daddy, oh, you marvelous, precious man!

I just adore you, daddy.

Is this it? My dress?

Yeah, and you can thank
your brother for it, pan.

Thank you, ras! Thank you!

Say, how'd you know?

Well, Dr. Upjohn told me.

"a slender birch in which the linnet nests

"is a promise made in quiet splendor.

"heard above the drums of thunder,

For silence is the shriek of life."

Well, well, thank you, sir.

Oh, my dear Leaf, much must be granted

To the man whose soul and spirit united

To give birth to those lines.

You know, there's... there's a music

In your gentle husband's work

That's to be found nowhere
else in American poetry.

I'm... you're very kind, sir,

You're very kind.

He's simply been

Showering you with praise, Robert.

The moment we parted company, professor,

I realized that fate had
destined us to meet.

Oh?
Would you like some tea?

And then Dr. Upjohn can explain

What we've been discussing.

He's in... in the same
position that you're in.

You mean you're out of work?
Mm, precisely.

The elizabethan section
at Pelham University

Was felled by an enlargement
of the science department,

For experimental work

On the anti-anti-anti-Missile program.

Is that so? I thought it
was different in the east.

No, worse, sir, if anything.

In one new england
University, I'm informed,

The entire fine arts
department is now housed

In a room over a local drugstore.

Isn't that... oh, yeah.

Vina... exactly what I've
been saying all along.

Yes, dear.

The human race, unquestionably,
is headed right back

For the caves and the treetops.

Unquestionably!

Unless... unless, sir, you
accept my alternative

And we fight back.

Fight back how?

Through a resistance movement, professor,

A counter-campaign.

To be specific, through a Leaf foundation.

What do you mean, a Leaf foundation?

Dr. Upjohn proposes a foundation dedicated

Exclusively to the arts and humanities,

Giving scholarships.

Hundreds upon thousands of scholarships!

A veritable army, sir!

You see?

Uh-huh.

That's a very interesting idea.

Very interesting sort of call to action.

Very flattering for me, too...

Who's going to pick up the check?

We would, sir. The foundation.

With what?

Erasmus, darling.

The boy's astonishing
talents could be harnessed

For the welfare of generations to come.

Well, how?

Now, you admitted that wasn't immoral,

And that it can be done
perfectly legally...

Racehorse picking?

Racehorse pick...

Vina, I told you that I am...

Absolutely put my foot down

On anything...

( band music playing )

What is that?

This is a very commendable project,

But to involve a small boy in...

What the devil is going on out there?

Vina!

Hey, professor, look!

It's kids from the University!

With torches!

Looks like we already have an army, doctor.

There he is! Come on, guys!

L-e-a-f, Leaf!

We want Leaf!

We want Leaf!

We want Leaf!

We want Leaf!

We want Leaf!

Uh, professor Leaf,

Sir, on behalf of the students

Of your english poetry...

Of your english poetry section, professor,

We hereby petition you to
return to the University

And fill the void that now exists.

( cheering )

We want l...!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

I, uh, first, let me thank you

For making an old accordion player

Feel like a young football hero.

( laughing )

I, uh, this display is very gratifying.

It's a... it's very touching.

But, uh, in the words of shakespeare,

"everyone can master a
grief but he that has it."

No, come back, professor!

Yeah!

( band plays again )

We want Leaf!

We want Leaf!

Now, I...
We want Leaf!

I naturally would enjoy
returning to the campus,

I... just, uh,

Just here, as I look into your eager faces,

I somehow see hundreds and
hundreds and hundreds

Of other young people,

People not as fortunate as you,

And, dang it, I don't know what to say!

( laughing )

As a matter of fact, ladies and gentlemen,

I have just been asked to
participate in a project...

And I suddenly realize I
just can't reject it!

In association with Dr.
Peregrine Upjohn, here,

We are about to establish a foundation

Which will provide scholarships

In the arts and the humanities

For deserving students who can't otherwise

Pay their way through college.

My heartiest congratulations, my dear Leaf.

You are indeed one of nature's noblemen.

Ladies and gentlemen,
through the good offices

Of your beloved poet and mentor,

We shall endow a veritable
army to give challenge

To the ugly hoards of space-age plumbers

And slide-rule manipulators

Our schools are turning out

To take over the world!

Vina, isn't this wonderful?

Yes, darling, but please don't

Invite them all for dinner.

Oh, no. No.

Just think of the youngsters

These scholarships will help, honey.

Just think of it!

The whole thing's gonna be run

On a purely businesslike basis.

Upjohn's gonna take care of that.

I'm gonna work on the plan itself,

You know, like finding the right kids

And high schools, things like that.

Oh, we're gonna make out
beautifully, darling,

Even on a limited salary.

Oh, no salary.

No salary, we agreed on that.

Neither one of us are gonna take salaries

From the foundation, only expenses.

Expenses, then, as long as you're happy.

You know, everything is working out

So wonderfully... everything...

Panny's dress and the Leaf
foundation and Dr. Volker.

Dr. V... i-i-i just can't get over that.

How about that, isn't it... isn't it...

W-wonderful to know how normal ras is?

And this influenced my decision,

As far as working for this
foundation is concerned,

But volker called me into his office,

And now that we know that
he's a perfectly healthy...

Uh, well, would you let me finish?

You were finished.

And in his last race, third
in the time of 1:29.

Now, uh, today he carries
a weight of 119 pounds.

Well, that's the lot, my boy.

If you have the computation soon enough,

We'll have time to wager

On the eighth race at santa anita.

You bore me.

Son!

That's the name of the horse.

You bore me.

Post position number three,

The morning odds are 5-2.

Well, hardly a long shot,

But we have to begin the funds

For the Leaf foundation
somewhere, don't we?

Well, now that we have the selection,

W-what do we do?

Because I'm as innocent in these matters

As you are, my dear Leaf,

I've taken the liberty of
engaging an accountant

Familiar with matters of the turf.

Uh, Mr. Christopher Argyle, please.

He's associated with a large firm

Of auditors in Oakland.

Uh, Mr. Argyle?

Hey, mulehead, it's for you.
Yeah?

Yeah, I'm busy.

I got coffee money going on this game.

It's Upjohn.

Upjohn?

Yeah, Johnny?

Mr. Argyle, I wonder if
you'd be kind enough

To place a wager on a
horse in the eighth race

At santa anita this afternoon.

Well, my credit ain't good

For more than two finnits,
you know, Johnny boy.

Oh, thank you, sir, a $10 bet

Is an excellent beginning.

After all, the ford foundation
started humbly enough,

With just old henry and a monkey wrench.

I dig. They're there, huh?

Okay, doctor, what's the name of the beast?

You bore me.

You bore me. Ten on the nose.

I'll move on it right now.

Thank you, Mr. Argyle.

Right, doc.

Here's 10, 20, 5, 6, 7, 8...

Not bad for a start, huh?

Slowly but surely, my dear mulehead,

We'll work our way up to
majestic levels of investment.

Town clown.

Myra's hope.

Abladon.

Bandito.

Bandito.

Bandito.

I'm so happy I ever met you.

You're such a sport!

I can see how happy you
are, my little one...

You're overflowing with joy.

Go powder your nose, my dear.

Why, is it...

Oh.

Oh, sure, sport.

Now, what is it?

Hmm? Oh, troublesville.

Today's long shot drove another book under.

That's six bookies we've
busted this week, Johnny.

I tell you, the word's out.

I can't get any action covered no place.

It was inevitable.

You'll just have to go to the track

And bet the machines.
Yeah, but Johnny...

I know it's legal, but we can't quit now.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

All of this on number 11.

All right, all right,

Let's have a loud applause for the captain.

Hey, captain!

You going to launch her?

Yes, sir!

Well, wait for us!

Yeah, we'll be right down!

Terry, you put something on, now.

Oh, professor, I'm covered.

Compass, come on.

Come on, let's go.

The captain: well, we've
got a good day for it.

Anything for me, Mr. Rudy?

There is today, ras.

It's from france.

From france!

Come on, ras!

Come on!

That's a fine thing... a man deserting

A ship before it's even launched!

Dad, can I see you?

No, now, this is a great
moment for the captain.

You are hereby appointed master

Of the good ship pacific pride.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Into the drink with it.
Here, give it to me.

I'll show you.

Now, she's launched.

Thar she blows!

Hurrah!

She sank.

Aw, that's...

What a shame.

And after all that work.

Yeah, that's...
Can we go now, dad?

Can I talk to you, dad, can I see you?

Not now, son.

Well, let's see if we can't get it.

You can't wade in here.
It's three fathoms deep.

Dad, this is important.

Oh, all right.

I guess we have a summit meeting.

All right, son, now, what's all

The mysterious excitement?

Will you read this for me?

Can't you read it?

B.b.?

Brigitte Bardot.

Well, son, you never told me

You corresponded with her.

You never asked me.

Well, I never thought about it.

Well, you wrote to her, huh?

Every night.

Every night?

Would you read it to me?
It's in french talk.

Let's see.

Uh... Mon petite cherie, eras...

"my dear little Erasmus,

"I have before me all your sweet letters.

"I have never received such lovely letters

"from a little boy before...

"and I am"... touche... "touched by your...

"I am so touched by yours

"that it makes me"... uh, triste...

"sad.

"I have not written to you before,"

Uh, "now, how beautiful they are.

I wish I could meet you."

Uh, uh... ( mumbling french)

Oh... "i wish that someday
you could come to see me.

"write to me again, and always remember...

"je t'adore.

B.b."

Wow. Well.

Well, that's a very sweet letter, son.

Can i?

Can you what?

Can I go visit her?

Oh, well, it's, uh, very far away, son.

But she said come, didn't she?

Well, I know, but paris, france...

That's all the way across
the atlantic ocean.

That's all right.

I don't mind, and she did invite me.

Well, yeah, well, I-I'll certainly

Think about it, ras,

But I can't promise anything.

After all, a trip like this costs

An awful lot of money.

I have $11 left.

No, it'd take more than that, son.

Lot more than that.

I can make some more.

How?

Make Dr. Upjohn pay me for
picking those horses.

Oh... no.

No, ras, you see,

Now, that money is for our foundation,

For a really important purpose.

And we only use it for the
absolutely essential expenses,

And making a trip to paris

To see brigitte Bardot just is not

An absolutely essential, uh, expense.

Well, son, let me think about this, now.

You, uh, let me think about it.

We'll see.

We'll see.

That was a very nice letter, ras.

Now, come now, lad, we haven't all day.

Ras, ras, come on, now, come on.

I'm thinking.

What are you thinking about?

Brigitte Bardot.

What race is she in?

No, this is the actress.

You said I could go see her.

We've got work to do, young man.

There's no time to skip off to the movies.

He's not talking about the movies.

You promised.

No, no, son, I didn't promise.

I said we'd see.

Now, see here, we've got only half an hour

To make the feature race.

Now, let's run through
the entries once more...

No.

What do you mean, no?

He means no.

When he says no, he means no!

Does this mean he's not
gonna select today's horse?

Not until I go see her.

See who?

Brigitte Bardot.

I told you... this boy

Has an invitation

To go to paris

To see Miss brigitte Bardot.

This is utter nonsense, Leaf.

A young kid of ten years old, going...

I'm eight!

If you want to be ten,
you'd better pick a horse.

Wait a minute, here, Upjohn!

If you're gonna take that
kind of an attitude,

You're asking for a lot more trouble

Than you may be able to handle!

Oh, what's gotten into you, Robert?

I'd like to know what's gotten into you!

Well, my dear colleague,

We've a great deal of money involved here,

And Mr. Argyle is waiting for a horse!

And that's another thing...

I'd like to meet Mr. Argyle

One of these days.

I'd like to meet brigitte Bardot.

Well, maybe we will, son.

Maybe we just will... come on.

Where are you going?

I'm going home,

And I'm gonna find some way

To get this boy to paris.

( knocking )

Dr. Upjohn!

Oh, forgive this intrusion, dear friends,

But I had to come.

For you, dear lady.

Oh, thank you.
And for you, Robert,

A most noble grape.

And where are the children?

I have candy for them.

His and hers.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

I hope I'm in time to apologize

For my behavior this afternoon, Robert.

I was hasty and selfish,

But after thinking it over,

I realized how important it is

That Erasmus keep his rendezvous
with Miss Bardot. So by all means...

Just a moment, doctor.

Are you suggesting that Erasmus

Goes to paris?

I am, indeed.

Robert! Y-you can't give in

To a child's whim.

Whim?

Honey, this is an obsession.

For the sake of the foundation,

We must pack him off to paris forthwith.

Alone?
His father will take him.

Hold on, now.

How could we do that?

And the cost would...

Damn the cost, sir.

Erasmus is our most valued asset.

Indeed, he and my adding machine

Are our only assets.

If the machine broke down,
we'd have it repaired.

You mean, we can take the
funds from the foundation?

And fly to paris.

Behold, two jet plane round-trip tickets

To orly field, paris.

Well, i...

Honey, what do you think?

Why not?

Why not?

Paris, eh?

( whispering ) paris.

Brigitte Bardot.

( playing "la marseillaise" )

Now, once more.

Enchante, mademoiselle Bardot.

Very good.

Taxi, monsieur?

Yeah, taxi, oui.

Taxi!

Anglais? Vous en parle anglais?

Oui, un peu, a little.

Take me to this address.

Bon.

This is a distance.

I must telephone my loving wife.

She will be waiting.

But it's brigitte Bardot's house.

Bebe? My wife can wait.

Look! Stop! It's her!

Over there!

No, monsieur, that is not our bebe.

In france, many girls
try to look like bebe.

This is it.

This is the house of brigitte Bardot.

Monsieur.

Uh, bonjour.

Je suis Robert Leaf,

Et voici mon fils Erasmus.

Do you have an appointment?

Oui. Oh, "do you have an appointment"...

Yeah, I have an appointment

With, uh, mademoiselle Bardot.

My name is Leaf.

Uh, oui. Entre, monsieur Leaf.

No, no, no...

( pleading in french )

Mademoiselle will be here in a minute.

Merci, thank you.

I'm scared, dad.

Oh, now, don't worry, son.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, look over here.

( music box plays )

See that?

Hello.

My name is Leaf.

Which one is Erasmus?

Enchante, mademoiselle Bardot.

Oui, vous parle francais?

( speaking french )

Enchante, mademoiselle Bardot.

Uh, yes, well, I'm afraid that's

The extent of his vocabulary.

Oh, then we shall speak in english.

Thank you for your pretty letters.

I'm delightful to meet you.

You are the father of the boy?

Yes, yes. Robert Leaf.

Robert...

Robert Leaf!

Not the American poet?

Oh! Oh, y-y-you're familiar with my work?

"the songbird's flute,

"the drumbeat of the rain,

"the sound of wings against the night,

All join to put my heart to flight."

There?

Well, I couldn't be more flattered.

Flattered.

Oh, flatte, flattered!

Flatte.

It is a pity we have so
little time to visit.

Yes, yes, but this visit
belongs to Erasmus.

Ah.

Come. We'll have some chocolate.

Sit down.

There you are, son.

Thank you.

Or do you prefer tea?

Hmm?

Well, more chocolate?

He doesn't speak very much, does he.

Is your son always so silent?

Even at home?

Uh, no, mademoiselle,

Il le semble mon... overwhelmed.

You see, it means

Much more to him than you realize.

Erasmus, have you lost your tongue?

Don't you want to say something, ras?

Just a few words?

Well, i'd like to ask mademoiselle Bardot

For a favor.

Well, what's that?

Could I have your autograph?

You mean, you came from California,

All the way,

Only to get my autograph?

I'm sure we can do better than that.

I have a new camera,

And your papa will make a picture.

Oh, well, i-I'm afraid

I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

It's simple.

You look through there,

And you press this button,

And we say "cheese," okay?

Uh-huh.

Come on.

Why cheese?

That's what they say.

Cheese, fromage.

Uh-huh.

Oh, there you are.

Look here!

Look at your papa!

Is everybody ready now?

Ras, look this way.

Look here.

All right, now, here we go.

One, two, three, fromage.

Did you smile?

Yes, Miss Bardot, I think so.

Good.

( speaking french )

Now, there, ras,

You'll have a picture of the two of you.

You can prove to your friends at school

You really made a dream happen out loud.

Even if they never believe me,

I'll always know it happened.

Dix!

There we are.

Look.

Well, that's amazing.

Well, I declare.

Look at, ras.

Now, I take Erasmus to meet Sophie.

Excuse, please, us, papa.

Yes.

Comes out of this, and...

Uh, w-where are you taking him?

To my bedroom. We'll be back.

I have a gift for you to take home.

And you don't have to speak french

To understand this little thing.

This is Sophie.

Sophie, this is Erasmus.

And she has given me some lovely kittens.

Kittens?

Yes, little dogs.

You make friends with her,

And she will let you pet her kittens.

There.

Hmm.

I think she likes you.

Now...

Look.

( mewing )

Oh!

You like it?

Oh, yes, I do.

Take it.

Me?

Yes.

Oh, dad,

Look what Miss Bardot wants me to keep.

Oh, can I keep him, please?

Okay, papa?

Well, i... yes, it's very nice, of course.

Oh, boy, I'm gonna call her brigitte.

That one you better call charles.

Ahem.

Well, I guess we've taken up

Enough of your time, Miss Bardot,

And I can't thank you enough

For what you've done for my son.

Thank you for your poetry,

And thank you for what your son

Has done for me.

I hope to visit you someday in California,

And you will take me to Disneyland!

I've never been there, either.

He has never been to Disneyland?

And he comes to see me?

How sweet.

I'll never forget her. Never, ever.

She's the most beautiful lady

In the whole world.

( blows loudly )

Oh, hey, welcome!

Hello, professor!

George, terry! Look what she gave me!

Who, brigitte Bardot?

He rode all the way from
paris under my coat.

Oh, compass, go away.

Go away, go away.

Now, you scoot on inside

And change out of that soggy wet shirt.

Aw, be quiet, compass!

Here, you take this.

Oh, oh!

Professor Leaf?

Yes, sir?

Excuse me, professor, remember me?

Lt. Rink?

Oh, yes, the Dean's office.

Yes. Do you know this man, professor?

No.

No, I never saw him before.

Well, we have him in custody,

And he claims he works for
the Robert Leaf foundation.

His name's Chris Argyle.

Argyle? Oh, yeah, we have an associate

Named Argyle, yes.

He's an accountant.

Well, this one's a no-accountant,

If you'll, uh, forgive the pun.

He's a cheap confidence man.

Sorry to have disturbed you, sir.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Not at all. Not at all.

Huh.

Argyle.

Excuse me.

Vina, Dr. Upjohn's

Just been telling me about poor Mr. Argyle.

Who?
An auditor.

He's worked himself into
a nervous collapse.

He'll be confined for quite a while.

Six months.

At least.

And we've decided to take

One last crack at this thing...

In other words, put the entire fund

For the foundation

On the biggest long shot

That Erasmus can pick out for us.

After the salutary effect of
his visit to Miss Bardot,

Erasmus'll be sharper than ever.

Shall we begin now, Robert?

Not yet, doctor.

Our dinner's almost ready.

You'll stay, won't you?

I'd be delighted. Your
spaghetti's delicious.

Thank you.

After you, doctor.

And in his last race,

First by a head in a time of 1:10.

Track clear and fast. Made $3.30.

And that's it.

Now, have you got it all, ras?

Mm-hmm.

Well, son, what's the verdict?

Which is the most sure-fire long shot?

Come on, concentrate, ras.

Fromage.

Fromage.

Fromage?

Fromage.

Froma... I don't recall
any horse named fro...

Cheese! French for cheese!

Of course, here it is.

What is it?

Six at bay meadows.

You're right, the sixth at bay meadows,

French cheese.

Great god in the mountains,

A 60-1 shot!

Oh, Robert, this is the one bet

I'm going to enjoy making.

I think I'll go out

To the racetrack myself, this time.

Three minutes till post time.

Kenneth, what's the number of our horse?

Eight, and look at those odds...

70-1.

Just wait till the professor and Upjohn

Start putting their bets down

And watch the odds on that board change.

They're changing now!

They're going up instead of down.

I guess they haven't started to bet, yet.

If you'll excuse me, I'll
go see what's happening.

Of course, the odds will drop appreciably,

But even at 10 or 12-1, we
shall have done admirably.

Start punching tickets on
the number eight horse,

And I'll tell you when to stop.

Yes, sir.

One, two, three, four,

Five, six, seven, eight,

9,10... that's 1,000.

They're starting to bet now.

Hope they get it all down
before the race starts.

The odds are changing again.

Now, that's the lot. Let's go.

( bugle plays )

Even at 10-1, she'll make us wealthy.

There it is, ras.

There's the horse gonna make
our foundation come true!

Oh, you darling, darling, french cheese.

Huh?

That's your horse, dearest, french cheese.

Look, now it's 8-1.

That's not the one I picked.

W-what was that you said?

I didn't pick a horse called french cheese.

The horses are at the gate.

But ras, you said fromage.

I did?

Oh! T-t-t-the entire bankroll

Was on it!

( bell rings )

And there they go.

American made breaking on top,

Pig-toed away second from box.

The third, new year, fourth, ozzie's pal,

And once too often.

Bearing the far turn, it's, uh, pig-toed,

On the rail in front of
that, American made.

Second length coming out,

Fox and, uh, new year.

At the top of the stretch,

It's, uh, pig-toed in front
by a length and a half,

American made, second,

And from far back and
flying, french cheese.

He's fifth, he's fourth, he's third.

French cheese!

Come on, french cheese!

French cheese is now second.

Keep going, keep going, keep going!

French cheese on the
outside under the whip.

Come on, get 'em, french cheese.

Come on, look at him, look at him go!

Getting up, and winning it...

He won!

He won!

( cheering )

Dad, she won!

French cheese won!

She won, did you see it?

She won, dad, she won.

Ras, what do you know.

Doctor, did we...

Did you see her win?

Come on, let's go.

We won, sugar, we won.

Have you the airplane tickets?

Two for rio.

It's the only way to fly!

Dang it, where do you collect when you win?

On the other side.

Hold it. I'd like your
name and address, please.

How dare you! Get your clammy hooks off me.

Treasury department, bureau
of internal revenue.

We have to make certain
that income is declared.

There's nothing to declare.

This money belongs to a
tax-free institution.

The professor's right. This is the property

Of the Robert Leaf scholarship foundation.

Thank you very much, Robert.

Oh, well, don't thank me, Dean Sawyer,

Thank Dr. Upjohn, here.
It was all his idea.

My pleasure, doctor.

How good of you to endow

Robert's school so handsomely.

Oh, the press is here.

They wanna take some pictures.

Just step up here.

Now, say "fromage"!

Fromage!

( bass line out of tune )