Deadly Cuts (2021) - full transcript

Ahh Hair.

Ahh Hair.

Ireland's most elite
hairdressing contest is back.

Elite.

With cutting.

Cutting.

Colouring.

Colouring.

Talking.

Talking.

And of course,
the ever dramatic Avant Garde Grand Final.



Avant Garde Final.

Join us live here
on Fad TV for exclusive coverage

of this elite event.

Elite.

And watch
hair industry royalty,

judge Ireland's most
sophisticated stylists.

You can fuck off!

I'll fuck off nowhere.

Highlights, base colour
and a cut.

That's 80 Euro you owe me.

I said I wanted to look like
Taylor Swift.

Not Jimmy fuckin' Saville!

Who?

I'm not paying for that.



Now fuck off out me gaff!

That's not right Audrey.

I done the work, now give me
my bleedin' money!

Or what?

You can't take a haircut
back can ya?

Yeah, I can...

if I rip it out
your poxy head.

Tramp.

This fuckin kip.

Yeah ya tramp!

Pick it up turn...

Will you shut up?

You mind your own business.

Pick it up,
turn back round Piglinstown is going down.

Amber...

What?

What are you standing there for?

I told you to stand
behind me like.

Would you stop?

You mind your nose!

Just six weeks to go now,

finalists will be finishing
their avant garde pieces.

And we will soon find out
who'll be this years

Ahh Hair champion.

Stacey bleedin' Barry.

Stacey! Stacey!

It's half 9 Stacey.

Are you listening to me?

Are you going
to have your breakfast?

I have to go Nanny.

- I'm late as usual.
- Your hair's wet!

It's called a Piglinstown Pony.

For life on the run.

Very good.

Did me Ma ring last night?

No pet.

Ah she'd be very busy
over there.

Mm.

Anyway, I'll be working
with her soon.

Oh, changed her mind has she?

She will.

When she sees this.

And I win that bleedin'
competition.

Right, I'll see ya Nanny.

Hello, Deadly Cuts.

This is Michelle.

Ah, how are ya Tina?

I know, I seen it.

Can't make it down.

Alright.

I'll be back for me lunch!

Story Gemma.

How are ya Mrs Quinn?

Hiya Stacey love.

Did you see outside?

I certainly smelt it.

Let me guess, the bleedin'
Buzzers.

They robbed a sewage truck
thinking it was full of petrol.

A brain is what they'd want
to rob.

Bastards!

What happened to your face?

I got into a row up in Audrey
Bourke's doing a nixer.

You can't be getting
into fights Stacey.

Who can't?

And if Michelle catches you
doing nixers there'll be murder.

I have to save don't I?

It's not cheap moving to Spain.

Spain?

Why'd you want to go there?

Full of English.

And me Ma, remember?

How could I forget?

Her swanning off
and you only a child.

Yeah, but she had to get out of
this kip didn't she?

Piglinstown.

A town full of fuckin' pigs,
isn't that right Mrs Quinn?

A few bad apples spoiling
everything as usual.

Same thing
happened back in my day.

A big fuck called Noley Poley
came in, trying to take over.

Me Da said me Granddad
drove him out

with his concerned
citizens group.

Hero my Granddad was.

We all did our bit.

Would you not go out and throw
them a few digs now Mrs Q?

Yeah, keep on laughing and
complaining,

but God forbid one of yas
would do anything about it.

Let me guess,
you forgot your key?

Ah Michelle,
where would I be without ya?

Locked out of your butchers shop
ya gobshite.

Morning girls.

- How are ya Jonner?
- Hey Jonner.

Lovely bit of steak in if yous
are after some for dinner?

Oh Gemma was only saying
she'd love to try a bit

of your sausage.

Here.

I'll drop it back in later.

Bye love.

Sausage.

What happened to your face?

What?

Your face is scratched off you.

I walked into a tree.

What tree?

What?

There's about three trees in
Piglinstown.

You'd be doing well
to walk into one.

There's one off the back green.

- Is there?
- Yeah.

A fucking...
deciduous it is.

You're late Chantelle.

Erm...

You see,
there... there was a fire

and then... and then
there was a dog okay?

And then you see
the dog got into the fire

and then he started
screaming and...

Cha...

We all know you can't lie.

What's going on?

It's her nerves.

She contours too much
when she's nervous.

Look at...

I had to walk the long way
cos Deano said,

that if I walked through
the car park one more time,

that he was gonna
shave my head.

Oh for God's sake Chantelle!

I heard that he'd done it to
Laura Martin and her head's

like a bleedin' Malteser.

You're always hearing things.

Don't make it my problem.

You hit the fat one!

Deano's everybody's fuckin'
problem.

Pull your hair back.

What are you having done love?

I love Shirley Bassey.

Everybody knows that
they drowned poor Dezzie Kane

in a shopping trolley.

And the Garda, they're doing
nothing about it.

Me Ma can't even come down
and do her shopping.

She's terrified.

How are you Gemma?

When are the council gonna
clean up that shite outside?

No witnesses.

Everyone's terrified.

Your man Deano...

I would do fuckin' time for him.

The science of the mind
Mrs Quinn.

You need to let all that
emotion out.

Release it.

It's emphysema I have
not a bleedin' poltergeist!

Alright, see ya in a minute.

No, I'm on me way out anyway,
so I won't have to put up

with it much longer!

Don't be sayin' that!

Any appointments have yas?

Booked up, pal.

Is that right, pal?

We had an appointment booked
didn't we Squeak?

How did I miss that?

As Stacey said,
we're booked up.

Maybe whoever done your last cut
could do it?

Lawnmower was it?

So you know,
security's gone up.

What?

Well, you want your shop
kept safe.

You're already crippling us.

You can whistle for your money.

Mm.

We'll see.

Yeah.

Whoops.

Well they're
getting worse they're driving

all the shops out an all.

Well, Fat Mick is starting
a petition

to take to the council
about it.

100 signatures he has.

Surprised that many people
round here can write.

Stacey, serious, he's saying
they could shut

all the shops down.

Relax you ya bleedin' hysteric.

Chantelle, it's scalding!

Oh sorry Michelle,
it's that tap!

That poxy tap!

Nearly took Mrs Quinn's scalp
off earlier.

She made me give her
a free treatment for it.

First rule of Piglinstown Gem,
don't piss off the old ones.

Now go on, get that entry
for Ahh Hair.

I want to show Michelle.

Ah not tonight love,
I've stock checks to do.

Can leave it with
Chantelle.

Ah come on Michelle.

Ah why Michelle.

We've been working on it
for months.

I haven't time Stacey, sorry.

Ah Michelle,
it'd only take two minutes.

I told yas, I want nothing
got to do with it!

It's just that I was never
really into them competitions.

All that posing and all.

And they're not meant
for little shops like us.

How yous even got in
is beyond me.

For being fuckin' brilliant!

- And Stacey harassed them.
- Oh shut up Chantelle!

So I made a few phone calls.

Pointed out their consistent
lack of diversity.

Hm.

Go on then.

Okay.

And then that would go
like that.

See the back of it.

It's supposed to reflect
our unique role as a salon.

Ours is keep the buzz going.

We present this if we
make it into the grand final.

I know how it works.

Chan used real bees wax
to do the colours, tell her.

Oh here we go.

The dull blonde of honey
can be recreated

by using a point two
three violet

and a split ash vol.

Oxidise with ammonia before
application,

which I find gives
the best smoky undertones.

And all that.

The nutty professor over there.

Don't knock it.

The Ahh Hair final
is half your piece,

half the waffle.

You have to sell it.

It's good.

Very good.

We're gonna smash it!

Aah, that's great!

Ah come on Shell, come with us!

Aah, it'll really help our
chances if we have you there

to make closing comments.

Imagine ya Shell.

Up on that stage.

All the lights and
all the three of us...

Enough Stacey!

Just keep my name
out of it, right?

You're on your own.

Ride ya I says,
go in shite I says.

I know what you south side
fuckers are like with your STDs.

Say he has a Mickey
like a Lion Bar?

"What did you come back to me
gaff for then?" he says.

"Cos I wanted to see it."
I says.

Massive it was.

And so was his Mickey.

Dirty bastards
them posh boys are.

I swear to God.

I'm mean I hadn't even got
the clothes off me back

and he already had his finger up
me back passage.

I said get out there you!

Before I stick me fist up yours.

So I s...

What the fuck yas
looking at?

Well, well, well, if it isn't me
darlin' daughter, huh?

And the mouth of the south.

Far from the south I'm from!

Linsey's been there lately
though haven't ya Lins?

Are ya doing a duet
with your oul Dad later?

Go way and stop cramping me
style, you.

Hello girls!

How yas doing?

Fuck off!

Oh fuck off she says.

Er how are ya Bingo?

Not in the mood tonight.

What's the story Patsy?

Cider.

For all the boys.

No problem lads.

Let's just have a nice quiet one
tonight, yeah?

Nice quiet one.

What does that remind me of?

Oh yeah, bangin' your old one.

Here, d'you not like
his joke Patsy?

Yeah.

Just my mother
passed away there.

Yeah, I know.

D'you know Deano robs half
his takings every morning.

Protection he calls it.

Wish his Da had of
used protection.

Ahh hair.

Shame on you!

Disgraceful!

Put her in jail!

Take her scissors!

Get off that stage!

Oh no girls sketch.

Alright girls, what's the story?

You alright?

Jeez, you're very fuckin' quiet
ain't yas?

Don't worry,
I'm only having a look.

Do you know
why they call me Two Teeth?

Cos I rode two of me teachers
at primary school.

That's Two Teach, you thick.

No, I'm talking about
what I knocked out their heads

when I was at it.

Come on and have
a fuckin' dance will ya?

- Come on...
- Get your fuckin' hands off!

Ooh she's very feisty ain't she?

Going with the seconds, no?

Oh third time's a charm, what?

Come on,
I know you like dancing.

- I've seen ya.
- Fuck off!

Here!

- Leave the girls alone!
- Get your fuckin' hands off me!

Just go and have your night!

Got a problem here Mr Karaoke?

Huh?

He's only trying to have
a fuckin' dance.

Look at that!

A whole bleedin' Irish jig!

Leave it out!

What's your problem man?

I'll fuck...

Shut your fuckin' mouth!

Who else wants a go?

He has me hair!

You wanna slap me?

Leave it out lads will ya?

Ha ha boys...

It's a disgrace!

And they burnt out two cars
on the green.

And wait until you hear
what else they done last night.

Robbed Dazzler's karaoke
machine.

Me songs.

No, no!

There's just, there's
just no even point anymore!

They'll shave me head and
I can't pull that off Michelle.

- Me face is too...
- Pick that up now!

Pick it up!

I poured my life
into building this.

I will not be bullied out
of it by any scumbag!

Do you hear me?

Oh sorry hun, we're shut.

Come back to us again
and we'll sort that out for ya.

I've seen worse.

Terrible thing that's often
happening to yous

here girls isn't it?

Terrible thing.

Yous look tired.

Sorry, can we help ya there or
are you just in for a nose Mr...

Flynn. Darren Flynn.

From the posters.

I'm your local councillor girls.

A politician.

Do you know what that is?

Well I know what me Nanny says
yous are.

Ah right, very good.

Well, I've been keeping an eye
on the situation here.

Ah, getting out of control
isn't it?

But you girls would be
happy to know that I am taking action.

Oh, fantastic!

It's about time.

We're knocking down the shops.

- The fuck?
- Excuse me?

It's the only way ladies.

I mean with the gang
escalating the way

they are and all them
units closing.

Well, the place is turning
into a health hazard.

Hang on a bleedin' second there.

You're saying that this is your
solution to the gang?

It's very emotional isn't it?

Very emotional,

but think of it as
a new start for the area.

This whole desperate thing
demolished.

- Gone.
- And then what?

Piglinstown 2.0.

Lovely apartments.

Big coffee chains.

A hotel.

A hotel?

Who the fuck'd stay in
Piglinstown?

Don't underestimate
this area, pet.

Full of potential it is.

For who?

How long have we got?

Four weeks notice.

- Four weeks?
- What?

We have a competition
in six weeks!

A competition?
For... for hairdressers?

Yeah.

Sure I've heard it all now!

This is my job.

I, I work here.

What am I meant to do?

Plenty of jobs sweetheart.

- Hasn't everyone got hair?
- Wait, sorry.

- You have to just wait...
- Hang on a minute.

What if I wanna contest this?

What if I want to do something
about it?

Any more questions, be sure to
contact the council offices.

There are plenty of machines
there to listen

to your concerns.

Smile girls!

It's a wonderful thing.

...and her head's like
a bleedin' Malteser!

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.

The hairdressers.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

A reports already gone in
for that.

Filed and everything.

Your local council rep
took care of it.

Keeps a close eye on crime
around there.

Great man.

He's the one shutting us down.

To stop the gang.

Is that not your job?

Mr Flynn's solution sounds like
a good one to me.

Tricky to catch those fellas
in their... cars.

And what are you in?

A poxy rowing boat?

Come in Berty.

Just spotted your ex
in town there.

You said to keep an eye.

Amanda...

Go ahead Unit 4,
what's she wearing.

Looks
like something in leopard print.

Stuffed into it so she is.

Come on Michelle,
so they close us.

We do the competition
two weeks later.

All that publicity and all,
we could get a petition going.

Get back onto Fat Mick.

You never know
what could happen around here.

Stacey, you can't be
a contestant with Ahh Hair

unless you're a working salon.

You're gonna have to withdraw.

What?

No, I'm not withdrawing,
I'll ring them.

I'll get back onto them.

I'll tell them what's
after happenin...

Sta...

No, look girls,
we'll be able to fix this.

It's bollocksed Stacey.

They burnt it and everything.

This fuckin' kip!

What am I meant to do now?

Wanna do hair?

Where's Chantelle?

She's gone out to get drinks.

By herself?

Alright tramps?

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

- Let her go!
- Where you going, huh?

Queen of bleedin' Sheeba,
swanning around

like you're from somewhere
you're not.

You're gonna be out on your arse
soon though aren't ya?

Yeah, Deano heard about that.

Now, I owe this little fuckin'
squeak box here a haircut.

But before I do that,

me and the boys came in
here earlier.

You probably noticed that.

Found oads of shampoos and all,
but the money,

yous bitches have that
well hid.

There is no money.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Don't be lying to Deano.

Fuckin' loads of money yas have.

And if these shops are going,
I'll be taking all I can

while I can.

Now get it!

Wait, wait, wait, wait now...

Let's talk about this.

You don't need to do this,
right?

Maybe...

...you're frustrated are ya?

Angry and all.

Maybe er... maybe you didn't have
the best start in life, eh?

Do you wanna talk about that?

Be nice to just...
to just talk.

Yeah.

Come here to me.

You're alright,
you're a good person.

Come here.

You're alright.

How's your Da's nose?

It isn't broke!

Well, I'll do it better
the next time!

Now!

Listen to me!

I might be a little bit off me
box right now,

so I wouldn't go messing
with my head any

more if I was yous.

If yous aren't gonna pay
the Deano piper,

well, I'm just gonna have to
better start me haircuts.

Here!

Have your money over here you
big dozy looking prick!

Ah, there she is.

I was wondering when you were
going to open your smart mouth.

You make it too easy for me pal.

Coming in here with your little
pigeon head on ya!

Acting the hard man in your
confirmation tracksuit!

Stacey, will ya be careful!

Your Nanny lives upstairs
doesn't she?

Maybe I'll pay her
a visit sometime.

Oh go on, say another word,
I dare ya!

See I love an old gee

Woah!

You bitches are bananas!

Don't fucking dare,
don't fucking...

Not me hair,
not me hair!

I'm gonna shut your fuckin'
mouth yas.

Is that water alright for ya?

What do you make of me tracksuit
now, huh?

You're fu...

Jeez.

What do we do?

We call,
we call the Garda

because it was self-defence.

It was!

Are you mad?

Four on one and us just after
being down there like

a shower of mad yolks?

At the very least
we'll be arrested.

And at the worst, jail.

Jail?

I couldn't, I couldn't not
go to jail like...

You would be absolutely fucked
in prison Chantelle!

I'd get by on me humour.

What about me?

Ah, you'd be like the pal.

The one all the hard bitches
use to talk about

their feelings.

Nobody's fuckin' going to jail!

Has anybody got appointments
in the morning?

I do.

I've a highlights first
thing.

- You'll have to cancel it.
- Cancel it?

I'm not cancelling a highlights,
that's 80 Euro!

Better move fast then.

You sure them CCTVs couldn't
have seen us?

Those cameras haven't worked
for months.

Someone could have looked out
a window or something.

It's very dark out.

They mightn't of known
who we were like.

Yeah, Chantelle.

They'd no way of connecting us
to a hairdressers.

Look, nobody saw us.

Wil yas focus?

Right, we need to get
that incinerator fired up.

I've given out about the smell
of burning meat enough times,

it can do me a favour for once.

You mean were going to...

What did you think we were
coming in here for? Lamb chops?

This way it'll get rid of all
the evidence.

It'll be just like he ran off.

Right...

Get phones, keys,
anything that won't burn.

Right, don't worry,
I've seen CSI.

He won't fit.

Not like that he won't.

We're gonna have to cut.

Oh my God!

Wait, what?

I mean, it's just like, like
fold him in half or...

He's not a slice of fuckin'
toast Chantelle.

Get them big knives.

Okay.

Think about this like
er Mr Larkin's scabby head

or Stella's perm
when she hasn't washed

for six weeks, okay?

We grit our teeth
and we focus on the job.

Wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Sh... should we not
say something?

To who?

Blessing or whatever.

I think his days of being
blessed are over.

Will you just give us a minute?

Things were done.

Things were said, er...

You were a prick
and now you're dead, amen.

Let's fuckin' do this.

Okay.

Aim for the middle.

It's me irritable bowel.

Me nerves are gone!

Stop laughing at me girls!

Stop. Me stomach is in knots

This is for me Da!

Murder!

There was.

When we left that off the menu
the last time.

Now the chicken is served
on a skewer.

So we stab it through
before it goes into the oven.

But if you don't want that,
we have a chop!

Oh a lovely tender piece of meat
from Jonner's over the way.

Now it can come out
a little bit charred, but...

I think we'll have just four
vodkas thanks Patsy.

A liquid lunch is it?

Spoil yourselves girls!

What has him in such good form?

We have.

Deano wasn't around to rob half
his takings last night.

How's everyone doing?

Well,
Chantelle is in the pub, so,

something must have shifted
in the universe.

Just... I don't feel as scared
coming down here now

that I know he's gone.

There's a theory about it.

There's a surprise.

Serious.

About how what we done is...

...well, about right and wrong.

Imagine these are all
the good things about Deano.

The good he does in the world.

Nice things you know.

So throw them all out.

Let's give him the benefit
of the doubt, right?

Then we look at
all the bad things.

Hurting people,
people he'd hurt.

All that.

It's like in the scheme
of things...

We've done the world a favour.

Would you look at Patsy!

And does it still
have Donna Summer?

Fuck off Maisie,
it's not till Saturday.

I tell ya what Patsy,

that scumbag has found Jesus
or something.

I wake up this morning there's
me gear out in the garden.

Like it was from fuckin' Santi!

Good Jaysus!

Did someone have a word?

What?

Someone did something.

Now there's a man's hand
I'd like to shake, huh?

They were in the boot
of his car.

We say nothing.

Back to normal.

The world is the same
as it was yesterday.

Just one less prick in it.

What the hell are you doing?

Jesus Christ, Stacey!

I told you to get rid of that!

There's 50 Euro credit on it!

Relax, it's a burner yolk.

You can't trace it.

You should text all the gang
from it,

pretending to be Deano
and tell them all

to fuck off too.

They couldn't be that stupid.

Right...

It's a miracle!

Something like that.

A stay on the closure, right?

I went down to the council
right?

Go on Micka!

I said, "The gang's gone right?

So don't start with ya public
safety talk

and your shutting down shops
to build bleedin' apartments

without consulting the people,
right?

- Right!
- Respect!

You tell them Mick!

Because we need
real investment, right?

- Right!
- Right!

- Job opportunities, right?
- Yeah.

- Creches, right?
- Right!

Right!

Buses.

Right?

That Deano fella
saw you were on a mission.

He ran like Jaysus.

Probably gone to Alicante.

Yeah, well he's definitely gone
somewhere, hot?

But remember, it's on hold.

Not cancelled.

And there's people in there want
this plan pushed through.

Isn't that right,
Councillor Flynn?

I only want
what's best for the area.

So now that we have
the council's attention,

we need to keep it, right?

Girls, your hairstyle show.

Council isn't gonna wanna shut
down shops with an award

winning salon in it, right?

I mean, I don't mean to put
pressure on ya, but...

Mika, our entry is destroyed.

Deano wrecked
it when he broke in.

Bastard!

Yeah, he was... is, whatever.

Either way pal.

I'm sorry, but...

...we're out of Ahh Hair.

Couldn't you
make your beehive again?

No,
that takes two months to set.

I'm sorry, pet.

We can still do it.

It won't be easy, but we still
have time to come up

with something else.

We have to try it.

We?

Yeah.

We.

That's our plan.

We stick together
as a community, right?

Yeah.

We batter that plan, right?

- Yes!
- Yes!

We snack box it in
the bleedin' mouth, right?

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Suntan lotion.

No.

So if we had like two
more we'd make a crown out of it.

Kind of every day in a salon
is a party type thing.

You know.

Rubbish!

The breast salon in town.

No!

No!

Stop putting wigs on things!

So we kind of like work hard
as a salon,

so we have like the drill
and then like tools.

Maybe a hammer or some nails
or something

and then when you turn
the drill on,

it kind of goes curly.

Look, I'll show ya.

I'll plug it in, hold on.

It's a nest.

It still looks like a gee to me.

Not the way I wax hun.

So we go in there saying
our unique role as a salon

is a fuckin' nest?

No!

Look, I'll er leave you's to it.

Have to go home and sit
on a bag of peas.

I was with that posh fella again
last night

and me back box is
brutalised.

Lovely.

I'm like a piebald
in Finglas, I am!

- Ridden ragged!
- Right!

We get the picture
Linsey.

Go on!

- See ya.
- See ya.

Jesus, we haven't a sniff
of an idea yet and a model.

We can use ourselves
for the rounds,

but if we get into the grand
final we need something wow!

And Linsey won't cut it.

And there's a good chance she'll
try riding one of the judges.

It's not a joke Stacey!

Sorry.

It's these competitions.

This competition
has me wound up.

You're one of
the best hairdressers

I've ever seen Michelle.

What is it about Ahh Hair has
you so freaked?

You've done it before.

Yeah.

I certainly did.

Hun, did something happen
back then?

I suppose yous...

...yous need to know.

Because it all started with him.

D'Logan Doyle.

D'Loganaah...

He was the best of the best.

And me?

I was as cocky as anything.

The neck of me after training
in a little shop in Piglinstown

applying for a job
with D'Logan Doyle.

But then I got it.

I was in.

In the Highlighted Circle.

The what?

The five top
salon chains in the country.

The hair untouchables.

D'Logan paid a lot of attention
to me, cos I was good.

Really good.

But other people
wanted his attention too.

And they weren't too happy that
the likes of me was getting it.

I'd come in from outside
the circle, you see.

Very rare.

Everybody knew D'Logan was
looking for a protégé.

A what?

Someone to
become his next big thing.

So when the two of us qualified
for Ahh Hair finals,

we knew it was down to us.

Me and Pippa Chadwick.

I wasn't worried.

D'Logan had set me up
with an amazing model.

A star at the time.

I was gonna turn her head into
the owl off The Late Late...

I had me speech in already
for when I finished.

Brilliant at that bit I was.

I'd sell anything.

But I never got to make it.

When I started the colour work,
something went wrong.

Very wrong.

Something was in the formula.

Someone had put something in it.

And all the girls hair started
falling out.

I balded her.

Right there on stage
of Ahh Hair.

In front of the whole world
of hairdressing.

And before the last hair hit
the stage, I was finished.

Shame on you!

Didn't matter what I said.

D'Logan turned his back.

No salon would dare touch me.

Pippa won.

Got D'Logan's endorsement
and went on to build

a Dalton Chadwick empire.

While I...

Had to come back to this kip.

Peggy who own the salon I
trained in had died in a fight.

I took the shop,
kept me head down

and built me own little empire.

Come here and sit down.

No wonder you wanted nothing
to do with the competition.

Yeah, a lot of old faces there.

A lot of bad memories.

Well, we're about to make
new ones.

Ones that involve you
taking that geebag Pippa's arse

and handing it to her, right?

Ah, she's not the only problem.

The highlighted circle.

They're the salons that
win Ahh Hair.

Just rotates every year.

I've never seen
an outsider beat them.

No-one's ever beat
Deano before either.

Dos patatas por favor.

Dos patatas por favor.

What does that mean?

Two singles.

Starting with the essentials
Gem.

Operation Stace to Spain
is back in action.

How's your Ma?

Has she said
about going over?

Not yet, but she will

when she sees Ahh Hair
and all.

Just... shouldn't have to win
a competition to like...

I mean like she's your Ma...

She's running a top salon
over there Gemma.

She can't have bleedin' nobody
hairdressers working in it.

I just need to build up
a profile.

Then she'll have me over.

She just needs to know
I'm good enough.

That's all.

Right?

Right.

Course.

Well I think you're great hun.

And I'm gonna miss ya.

Go on you, ya sap.

Work to do.

Oh don't be stupid
go and enjoy your date.

Aah, thanks!

Are you sure?

Yeah, you can fill us in
tomorrow.

Yeah, it'll be me getting filled
in tonight,

wait until I tell ya about this
Southside fella Michelle.

Oh! Go on, luck.

Go on!

Ya scumbag rat, ya!

Yeah, ya scumbag rat!

Alright, alright.

Prick.

Garda Collins of Darlestown.

Yeah.

We met.

Oh right, yeah.

I'm just following up
on your break in.

Bit late for that.

Councillor Flynn has a bit
of a thing about

where this Deano fellas
gone to, so...

Oh he's concerned about him not
tormenting the area now is he?

Touché.

Er well, if I could just ask
a few questions?

Actually, you know what?

We are really busy
at the moment.

So I...

Oh well, I'll just talk to her.

- What?
- Oh God!

Actually, you know what?

If you give me a minute,
I can just...

No, no, no, no.

Any of ya'll do.

Erm, I'm actually not really
good at er... talking.

Ah, It'll be easy.

All you need to do
is not tell me any lies.

So did ya know this Deano fella?

Yeah.

And when would you say
you saw him last?

I didn't.

You didn't see him?

Erm... I mean, I dunno.

Would you have seen him around
the shops in the last week

or the past few days?

Erm, Yester... year.

Did you ever see him
get in a row with anyone?

I do colours!

Do you know he drowned
Dezzie Kane

in a shopping trolley?

Everyone knows that.

- Did he tell you that?
- No.

So you don't know.

- I mean, yeah.
- Yeah.

- No!
- Well which is it?

What?

- Any idea where he's gone.
- No.

- He's probably like er...
- Probably what?

He's probably er,
a dog...

- Dog? What dog?
- I don't know.

Like a German shepherd
or something like him and...

- Are you hiding something?
- No, I mean...

Then spit it out!

- What are you trying to tell me?
- I don't know, I just...

Do you know what happened to
this Deano fella or not?

Yes, I do,
because we killed him!

We killed him with the hot
tap and the hairspray

and Stacey's good cutting
scissors!

I deserved that.

I'm sorry
for going so hard on ya.

Sure look, we all know what
happened here, huh?

One scumbag goes after another.

Blah, blah, blah.

Of course,
you know what we say?

No body, no bother.

Oh, you'd better believe it.

Yeah.

Well, good luck.

Good luck now!

And see, listen,
come in for a haircut for free.

On me.

So it was
worth getting out of bed so.

Bye!

Good luck.

The hair tongs are heating up.

Just two weeks now until
the hair elite meet at the event

they literally exist for.

Aahh Hair.

We hope they're ready.

Just think unique role.

Creative mind doesn't respond
to pressure Michelle.

We can't force it.

We have to wait for the idea
to come to us.

Yeah, well it would want
to hurry up.

Too much at stake here.

Yeah, because bone actually
never fully burns.

So if the council actually do
decide on knocking down

the shops, then there's a good
chance that they might find

a skull or something
in that incinerator.

And then we're caught rapid.

Well, I hadn't thought
of that Chantelle.

But thanks very much.

Is that the door?

What?

Is the door locked?

I don't know.

Careful girls.

Oh... Hey yas.

No!

You're not shaving my head!

I used to be bad.

Very bad.

But I got locked up.

Did a course.

Massage and that.

Was gonna turn me life around.

Namaste and all,
but when I got out

started offering people
massages.

I got laughed out of it.

Before I knew it I ended up
back in Deano's crew.

Tormenting old ladies
and turning their shops

into a drug den?

I never wanted
to do any of that.

But Deano... trapped I was.

Then all of a sudden,
we gets a text saying that

this place was red hot.

And Deano was gone.

And I thank God for that.

You're welcome.

So I wanna put things right.

I got yas a crystal salt lamp.

Good energies
for yas in the competition.

Appreciate that.

Yeah.

We'd have taken
the cash either.

Well if er, if you don't mind,
Bingo is it?

We have a lot of work to do.

Well, I hope yous do well.

Hear it's gonna help save
the shops.

Yeah.

You should get
that window fixed.

Smashed glass.

Part of the Piglinstown look.

Deano really did a
number on this place, what?

Like working in a poxy warzone.

Yous managed to keep a bit of
beauty in it but.

Our unique role as a salon.

Help the hair competition.

You know,
I'd be proud whatever happens.

Yeah look,
I got your messages Stacey.

Let's talk after the
competition, right?

♪ Time is here, times run out,
see what Piglinstown's about ♪

Okay girls, today is the day.

You nervous Chan?

What?

Ugh, help!

- Oh my God, Mrs Quinn!
- Jesus!

The Buzzer.

The big fella it was.

The ugly one.

Knocked me.

Took all me collection money.

I was on me way round
to give it to ya.

Ah God!

I let him roar and he...

He what?

Said...
said,

"There's no heat around here.
Buzzers is back", he said.

And he laughing.

Take it easy Mrs Quinn.

Take it easy.

I didn't even have time to get
me Glock out.

Mrs Quinn!

It's alright,
it's only fake.

I got it off me nephew.

Some feckin use!

Oh, Jesus!

Hide that before the ambulance
arrives.

Hey, what you doing?

Time Two Teeth gets another
message off Deano.

Girls, yous get going,
we'll look after her.

Here's a few worley burgers
for the road, right?

Thanks Mick.

We're counting on yas!

Gimme the
eyelash curler Chantelle.

Wait, I'm taking me time.

You're taking my
time is what you're taking.

Give it over!

Ahh Hair.

Hi, there.

Tara Tobin here,
reporting live on Fad TV at

Ireland's most exclusive
hair event, Ahh Hair.

Stay tuned as six salons
will compete

for a place in the final
of Salon Stars,

judged by hair extraordinaire
D'Logan Doyle.

Fuck you, Jeremy.

I saw you angle the camera up
to catch me slow eye.

I fuckin' saw ya.

And go easy
on the goose Mary, okay?

- Hiya.
- Hi!

Salon Stars finalists.

We need our stations please?

Oh, Dalton Chadwick?

House of Hair.

Colour Camp Club?

Deadly Cuts.

From?

Piglinstown.

Oh!

Don't shoot!

There you go.

Thank you, brilliant.

Fab, there you go.

Okay, you go get set up
and I'll suss out the stage.

And come here, don't be making
a show of me!

How would we make a show of ya?

Get your poxy fuckin' gear out
of our station now

before I shove those curling
tongs up your hole!

Fucks sake!

Oh, my God.

You have got to be
the Sweaty Bettys.

No, what is it again?

Curl Up and Die?

No, no.

- A Cut Above...
- We're Deadly Cuts.

'Deadly'.

That is just perfect!

And who the fuck are you?

We're Dalton Chadwick.

An elite network of hair
technicians founded

by Pippa Chadwick.

With a combined Instagram
following of 1.8 million,

including almost
two Kardashians.

Operating all over Dublin
and in a dozen destination

salons around the globe.

We're beside a butchers.

I guess the contest are trying
to do some outreach stuff

or something.

You know,
you must be nervous hun.

Coming over here trying
to put us down.

You're a pun salon, hun.

You've about as much chance of
winning as

a dark brunette going single
step to platinum

without all her hair
falling out.

Well, actually there's new
bonding compositions

that let you by pass the dark
melanine obstructor.

So you can achieve platinum
in one application

without damaging the shaft
at all.

Tricky, but it is possible.

Welcome to the Ahh Hair Final.

Eimear, I told you to go and get
my special medical bag.

My face is softening
for Christ sakes!

Right, alls good girls.

We just need to...

Well, well.

A hair criminal
at a hair competition.

I should call the Gards.

Isn't age cruel girls.

Pippa,

how... how have you been?

Well, I haven't balded anyone,
if that's the benchmark.

Classic.

Let's go girls.

That was a good one.

Stop speaking.

Hair doesn't get
more dramatic than this folks.

Contestants have arrived
and the room is abuzz

as we all await the arrival of
hair legend D'Logan Doyle.

I caught up with Ahh Hair judges
Shelly Sherlock

and Buggy O'Sullivan
to find out why D'Logan

gets everyone so delighted.

I hope that everybody here knows
what a privilege it is

to even share the same airspace
as that man.

Mhm.

Innovation.

I mean, innovation is,
is D'Logan's middle name.

Er...

He invented innovation.

He invented it.

He invented innovation.

He, he innovated innovation.

Hair matters.

Oh she'd sour your milk!

And how we will focus people's
attention

is with a god like
creature like D'Logan.

And we can't wait to see D'Logan
Doyle take to the stage.

Yous are about to witness
genius.

Here he comes.

Oh my God!

That's him?

It looks like the fella
me Nanny used to feed

outside the church.

Show some respect.

Girls,...

...let's do hair!

Okay you beautiful
blow-dry bastards,

wake up your inner Picasso
it's Colour Round.

The Ahh Hair colour qualifier
is under way.

Here stylists
must show our judges they know

how to hit the bottle.

And I'm not talking about
the bubbles we'll all be

drinking later.

Hmm.

This is the first of three
rounds where salon teams present

their trilogy of hair skills.

Before just two
are selected to go

on to the
Avant Garde Grand Final,

judged by the D'man himself,
D'Logan Doyle.

Dryers... down!

Oh Jaysus,
look at all that they have.

Your one's gorgeous.

What are you trying to say?

Listen to me.

It's all in how you sell it.

Remember?

Throwing money at models
is worth nothing unless

you can talk them through
your thinking.

And if there's one thing our
salon know how to do,

it's bleedin' talk.

I'm not, I'm not really good at
talking like.

Yeah, not like a normal person.

But you can talk colour.

Stick to the science
and all, alright?

What lens are you using there?

You use that fat lens
on me again

and I will kick your head in.

You can run to HR.

Judges, judges are...

And the judges
have entered the room.

Time to see what
they think of our salons.

I love it.

I actually love it.

Can, can you ask her to turn
around so I can see her

from the back please?

Oh Jesus, that was the back.

You see, you have failed
with brown.

How can you fail with brown?

It's making my ears bleed.

It's making my ears bleed!

My eyes.

Do you know what this is called?

We call it product.

Maybe you could use some.

How many years have you trained?

Don't answer, don't answer.

It will depress me too much.

I'll have to kill myself.

I am losing the will to live.

Did you waste
three hours of your life on this?

Of her life.

And ten seconds of our time.

Ratty, ratty ends.

And now...

Darling, don't get too close.

You might never get back out.

Hello?
I can't talk right now, right?

You know, I'm Maid Marion.

I want to join the Merry Men.

I wonder if it's one
of those hair dos that makes you work.

- You maybe onto something.
- Yeah.

But it faces
you with your very fears.

And this is one of my fears.

The environment
is so on trend right now.

I made a green that matches
the luscious trees outside

out flagship salon.

Who's up first?

I think it's little Chantelle.

Erm the... the greys... the...
the greys they erm...

Science Chan.

Death of melanin in the hair
follicles,

combined with a build
of hydrogen peroxide

in the shaft is what causes us
to go grey.

So I recreated this natural
reaction using

pigment extractions
and subtle black tones.

Creating something beautiful
from something we usually see

as lifeless.

You see, sometimes
the absence of a colour

is a colour in itself.

Listen up
ladies and gentle cutters.

Time to snip those strands.

It's cutting rounds.

Everyone
expecting Dalton Chadwick

to perform strongly
here as usual.

Colour Camp Club sure to keep
things interesting.

But as ever at Ahh Hair,
nobody quite knows

what the judges
are in the mood for today.

And... cut.

I mean, don't cut.

Stop cutting.

So, we went for a classic look
with classic lines

because sometimes we forget
that classic...

...is just classic!

Next.

So if you look at it right.

The line never ends.

Round and round it goes.

Like the thoughts
in our head can.

Do you know what I mean hun?

Oh God, I do!

Another good
judging round for this unknown salon

from Piglinstown.

Always surprises at Ahh Hair.

She was great, wasn't she great?

Here, you watch yourself.

I like your edge.

So prison.

Hair huns, it's do or die time.

Your last chance to impress the
judges and earn your place

in the Grande Finale.

So style my pretties,
style.

It's our final
qualifying round here at Ahh Hair.

Up dos, down dos,
everywhere a-do-dos,

as contestants create their
signature hairstyle

for the judges.

- What?
- It's broke!

What do you mean it's broke?

Michelle. Chan.

Can you go try and find me
another dryer?

Has anybody got the lend
of another dryer?

Has anybody got another dryer?

Brilliant!

Oh.

Ten minutes to inspection!

Fuck it's all my fault!

I should have set up early,
I'm always poxy late.

But it's...

...wet!

You'd better believe it pal.

Look at, late for work,
school run, drug raid

in your kitchen.

Sometimes you need to get outta
the house quick.

But just because
you're on the run

doesn't mean your hair
should look like a bag of rats.

Right?

Uh, my God, she's right!

It's... practical!

Hmm.

I'm Stacey Barry and this
is the Piglinstown Pony.

It's crunch
time here at Ahh Hair.

The top salons in the country
have battled it out

and now the judges take
to their hair chambers to decide

which two will go on to
the Avant Garde Grand Final.

Join us after the break
here on Fad TV

for the live finalist
announcement.

Jaysus,
they could well get through.

And who's going to be the model?

I'm telling you,
I'm a model I am!

And I'm Barry bleedin' White.

Ladies and
gentlemen, the finalist announcement.

- Hey yas.
- Hey.

Sorry I'm late.

I done a shamanic prayer
for yas in the jax.

Hope ya sprayed something.

Six top salons.

Three gruelling rounds.

And now two finalists!

Competing for the title
of Salon Stars...

Dalton Chadwick!

Oh!

Calm yourself woman,
you're embarrassing yourself.

And taking them on in their very
first Ahh Hair appearance...

...Deadly Cuts!

Over my dead fucking hairpiece!

Finalists please
prepare for the grand final.

If you're not a finalist,
get out!

I'm talking to you Mary.

Finally get to do that closing
speech Shell.

Me nerves Gem.

You're alright Chan.

There's nothing to worry about.

I suppose you're a model
and all?

Model that ya prick!

This sounds
like sour grapes to me Phillipa.

I like their pep.

Oh my God!

Shelley, wake up!

From whatever cocktail of pills
you're on these days.

If a salon like that wins
a competition like this,

it's going to turn
our industry on its head.

People are going to think,
well maybe I don't need to go

to some big name salon.

Maybe I don't have to spend
200 Euros on a blow dry.

We can't have it.

The Highlighted Circle
must be protected.

Like it protected you
and it made you rich.

Deadly Cuts cannot win.

Dalton Chadwick
will now take on Deadly Cuts.

Please take your places
for the grand final.

Oh sorry!

Oops!

How embarrassing.

Friendly warning.

It's over for you.

The Highlighted
Circle have arranged it.

So you can go up on that stage
and get torn apart

by the judges.

And believe me,
you will be.

You can relive all that
brutal humiliation.

Or you can run, now.

Back into that hole
you come from.

You could save us all
the indignity.

The two finalists in Salon Stars
will now go head to head

for our star judges.

Without any further ado...

Let us welcome the team
from Dalton Chadwick.

All hail...

The Queen.

Well, I guess
we at Dalton Chadwick

consider ourselves
some er hairdressing royalty.

Using our exclusive network of
salons and a dash of blackmail

we were able
to source the design

of the Princess
of Monaco's crown.

Recreated here in
shades of silvers and blondes

that represent literal money.

And yes, I know
what you're all wondering.

The gold streaks
are real gold.

What is our unique role
as a salon? Hm?

Well, it's very simple really.

We're here to rule.

By maintaining the meticulous
standards

of our hairdressing world

where only the very best
reaches the top.

And the others, the others
stay where they belong.

Don't mind them.

Okay?

D'Logan, your comment please?

I liked the nipples.

Shelley Sherlock!

Unbeatable.

Buggy O'Sullivan!

Yes,
blow drys should be expensive.

That fella's a degenerate!

And now for the little salon
that can.

A warm welcome to Deadly Cuts!

Oh my God!

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

Come on Michelle, we're on.

I can't.

You what?

I can't put one foot in front
of the other.

My body will not move.

I just can't...

Deadly Cuts to the stage!

Deadly Cuts!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sure they're just getting
themselves in order.

Uh, any moment now.

We won't
win, we won't win.

They're all against me.

You sound like a madwoman.

I can't.

- The humiliation...
- The humiliation?

The fucking humiliation?

Something's wrong.

Let me tell you
what's humiliating.

Some prick coming in and
shutting down your shop

with nothing but a poxy letter.

Old ones getting battered in car
parks and knowing that

nobody's gonna do
anything about it.

People losing their jobs,
they're bleeding chipper.

All so someone else
can make money.

Still waiting
for you Deadly Cuts.

You've a community
relying on ya.

And you're worried about them
dopes with the 100 Euro eyebrows

might what... look at ya funny?

We've all been pissed on
Michelle,

but nobody can humiliate ya
unless you let them.

It's about time you stopped
letting them.

Get out on the stage please?

Is someone getting arrested?

Probably Stacey.

♪ We fight, we fight ♪

♪ We fight, we fight ♪

She's a no show.

♪ We fight, we fight ♪

It's not always easy running
a salon where we do.

Sometimes it can feel like
working in a war zone.

But just cos you're at war,

doesn't mean
you can't look fab, hun.

What in the aul Jaysus is that?

It's Piglinstown.

I used real glass shard
collected at our shops

to create the shimmer
in the colour.

Doubling the reflections,

which gives the illusion
of movement.

Just like the shadows creeping
around the corner.

You have to get through
some debris to see our highlights.

But no matter how hot it gets,

we keep your look... fire!

Ooh hoo!

Ring a ding ding girls!

Anyone seen me pal, Deano?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Get off!

Think I'm stupid?

That, that's him!

Where's the phone?

In your knickers is it?

You get your fuckin'
hands off me!

Where's Deano's phone?

I don't fuckin' know!

I knew that text wasn't right.

Full stops and all.

None of us have the phone!

- What you talking about?
- Hi there Squeak!

Oh Stacey, he got hold of me!

Off!

How do you have the phone?

Maybe somebody should be calling
the police?

Don't touch me,
you'll get a slap.

Fuck is this shit?

Dublin's got bleedin talent
or something?

Here, I've got a talent for yas.

Wanna see me big flute.

Michelle, Michelle!

You're gonna shoot me
are ya?

Oh no, relax, relax!

It's only fake!

Michelle! Come on!

Come on.

Quick, quick, quick.
Come on girls.

Go, go, go, go...

Cover the trolley,
cover the trolley.

Michelle Roche...

as I live and weave.

You see,
sometimes there are no rules.

And sometimes
there are no rulers.

Certainly not where we're from!

Because rules
make hair trends boring.

And rulers
make hairdressing boring!

Our unique role as a salon
at Deadly Cuts

well... Let's just say
we like to keep it dangerous.

Because when things
get stale and old.

It's time to take them out!

D'Logan D'likes!

While I only come back here
when contractually obliged

or to contest paternity suits,

it's nice when I do to find
artists willing

to take real risks.

Deadly Cuts...

D'Logan D'likes!

I've never forgotten you.

Even the balding?

I thought that was a drug dream.

Just kiss me.

What the hell happened?

Darling, D'Logan D'liked.

D'no one says no to D'Logan.

Uh uh.

Here, you need to have her
arrested.

The wire on my hairdryer
was cut

and I found these
at her station.

And don't bother denying it,
cos I got a confession.

She slapped me!

You're lucky that's all ya got!

Sabotage!

Phillipa, you are a disgrace
to the Highlighted Circle.

Get outta me way you dope!

Thank you Jamie.

Ah thank you Lataylor.

It is good to be back.

You have to go now
and deal with the car.

I'll stick around here
and do the press and that.

And here, get that fuckin'
gun off Chantelle

before she takes someone out.

See you back at the Pigger yeah?

Michelle!

Maybe.

So Michelle before we talk about
your lips,

we should discuss your
plans for the move.

Move?

Well, you can hardly stay in
Pigtown now can you?

It's Piglinstown.

And the mouthy one.

You need to lose her.

Stacey?

Our clients like their stylists
submissive.

And speaking of submissive,

did you see how limp Lataylor's
barrel wave came out.

Pathetic!

Pass the remote.

Someone needs to turn up
the volume.

There's a party in my blimp.

Let's go.

You might get to see Pippa
being thrown out.

But your man Two Teeth,
he was in on the whole thing.

All faked it was,
totally faked.

Whatever you say, right?

So, where's the trophy girls?

So we can stick it
up Councillor Flynn's arse!

Here it is!

♪ No never no more,
will I play the wild rover ♪

♪ No never, no more ♪

Want any chops.

I mean, lovely bit of lamb in...
I have like no...

Up all night he had me.

I mean, Stacey,
Free Willy wouldn't have been

able to take the harpooning
I got.

I don't want to know Linsey!

I'm just saying, the size of it!

It was about the length of...

It's me Ma!

Heya Ma!

Look at, say hey to Linsey!

Do you remember Linds?

Oh Jaysus, is that the Pigger?

Oh I can smell that place
from here.

Yeah, I know,
Kip isn't it?

That old perv Patsy
still behind the bar I see.

He's not a perv.

Yeah, well he looks like one.

Anyway, listen.
I wanted to talk to you.

Yeah, I know.

Sorry, I was looking
at flights and all and...

Yeah, no, about that.

Look, I've kind of got me own
thing going on over here

with the salon, me clients.

I can't have some 20
year old coming over saying she's me kid.

I'm 22.

Are ya? That's even worse.

Do you know how old
that makes me look Stacey?

I'm 33 over here.

They don't believe that do they?

Well listen, it's just not the
right time love, okay?

Maybe in a couple of year.

Listen, with Visas and all, just
leave it.

Anyway, I've got to go.

I've got some fella coming
to do me lips at 10.

I'll see ya, right.

Stace come here for a minute.

Fuck off Chantelle will ya?

I'll be back in a minute.

That was a bit harsh wasn't it?

She's always annoying me.

Spain not happening?

You know, sometimes when people
treat you badly,

it says a lot about them.

She's me Ma.

I know.

I thought...

I just thought,
when we won the competition.

Visas she's saying,
fuckin' visas!

It's the EU, does she think
we're fuckin' thick?

Well if she does then she really
doesn't know you.

See, do you know what I think?

I think one day your Ma's gonna
wake up and realise

what a brilliant, funny,
mad little young one she made.

And ran away from her the first
chance she got.

Yeah, well,
her loss was our gain.

And our pain in the hole every
now and again.

But...

You can't spend your life
trying to please people

who screw you over Stacey.

It makes it hard to notice
you're surrounded by people

who never would.

♪ We walk the walk,
we fight the fight ♪

♪ Piglinstown will be alright ♪

That was actually great girls!

Yeah, it was.

Well done!

I don't know why you
didn't ask me to model girls?

I've done a bit of it
back in me day, you know?

Yeah, for the Farmer's Journal.

The neck of this thing.

Have we not voted you out yet?

Yeah.

Working late are we ladies?

Ah, I love to see the work ethic
around here.

Oh it's a fine thing.

I think you must be lost there
councillor.

Yeah.

Because last I checked,
our salon is in the papers.

And the council is getting ready
to flush your plans down

the proverbial fuckin' jax.

Yeah.

And for good as well.

Yeah.

Oh you're right!

Look, there yous are.

Yeah.

Isn't that lovely huh?

You know what they say don't ya?

Today's headlines, tomorrows
chip wrappings.

Yous are out in six weeks.

What are you talking about?

Don't mind him,
Mick talked to the council.

Oh yes of course, the fella
from, the chipper

went in with his little petition
and reconsidering, reviewing,

oh there'll be a committee.

That all adds up to the same
thing girls.

We're just waiting for people's
attention to move on.

So, like I said,
six weeks' notice.

But we won our competition.

You can't knock
an award winning salon.

You honestly believed
that did you?

You thought that you'd whip up
some community spirit

and everything will be okay?

You thought a hairdressers
would beat money?

Yeah go on, keep laughing.

I'll show you what
a hairdressers can be.

Oh good Jaysus,
the problems I've had ladies.

I mean first me gang disappears.

And then yous started up.

Yous did delay me.

I'll give you that.

All very frustrating it
was now, very frustrating.

I had investors getting nervous
with your shite.

I even lost one of them.

Because you made me look
like I wasn't in control

of the local situation.

Well, I am back in control
now girls.

You can't do this.

I live upstairs.

- That's me home!
- Yeah.

- Ah, don't you worry.
- You tell him.

We'll make sure you move
somewhere nice and handy for ya.

Like Navan.

Did he say fuckin' Navan?

Er well girls, I must be off.

Once I'm done with this dump,
plenty more areas to improve.

To destroy you mean.

So you can line
your own pockets.

Very good Twink.

The brains round here, huh?

Get outta me way!

What about us, the community
that lives here?

When are you going to get it
you tragic old tramp.

He can't get away with that.

What?

Nobody gives a fuck.

Jaysus Tessie, I never thought
you'd have to do that again.

Ah what are they going to do,
give me life?

Mrs Quinn!

Your Granddad's concerned
citizens group was great Gemma,

but it couldn't beat
Noley Poley.

So we did.

To death.

In the back of me
husband's hiace.

Fuckin hell!

First rule of Piglinstown don't
piss off the old ones.

What are we gonna do
with this fella?

Back then there was all parkland
for digging.

Isn't a Jaysus tree around
the place these days.

So how the hell do you get rid
of a body in Piglinstown?

Well, it's more like an award
winning salon.

Well, did you talk to your Ma?

Not the right time I told her.

Gone off Spain.

All that sun and bleedin'
sausage.

Check out the deck shoes.

Well, I finally got him to come
over girls.

Meet me new fella, JP.

- Alright?
- Hiya JP.

Welcome to Piglinstown, JP.

Thanks.

Bloody terrified to be
here to be honest.

Why? It's a great community.

Look after each other we do.

Isn't that right Mrs Q?

We sure do.

Ah, what's the story pal?

Are you here to talk to Mick?

Thought I'd take a look at a
couple of units, you know?

For me wellness place.

Jaysus, between you
and Dr Phil over here

the place'll be
cumbayaed out of it!

Dr Who?

I'm gonna do a course Maisie.

Psychology and that.

And don't worry,
I'll still be here part time.

Well here's your first patient.

Alright girls?

Not armed are ya Chan?

No, just with me essential oils
and me breathing techniques.

Right!

Are we working or what?

Come on!

Do you want a trim on that JP?

Oh erm I'm not sure actually.

I usually get it done by the
guys in Dalton Chadwick.

Don't mind them,

double the price
and half the craic they are.

Do you want tea hun?

Well he definitely
likes tea bags.

- Linsey!
- Linsey!

Da heck your head?

D'Logan D'likes!