Dead Tired (1994) - full transcript
What is going on here?!? French director, Michel Blanc (as Himself), just doesn't understand why his life is suddenly falling apart. This nightmarish comedy-thriller is all about identity. What defines a famous person? Is it their public self or their private self? What is the public's legitimate claim on their fame? With the glitterati of French Cinema starring as themselves, the anonymous faces in the audience gain a glimpse into the downside of public recognition.
DEAD TIRED
He was very anxious.
He felt completely lost,
so I decided to help him.
It all began about a year ago.
Morning, sir. Police.
Inspector Galfier.
- You are Michel Blanc?
- Yes I am.
- Why?
- May we have a word?
What's all this about?
May we come in for a minute?
Of course.
- Is that Josiane Balasko?
- Yes.
She's well hot.
She's a dyke, isn't she?
No, not at all.
That's what my brother-in-law said.
Cool! Dutronc!
A cabbie claims you didn't pay him.
Before appearing on Newsweek,
you wanted a hooker.
He took you to Rue St-Denis,
waited,
but you never came back.
That's nonsense!
It surprised us.
I mean you made
that gender-bender film...
Ménage!
Right, listen.
I haven't taken a cab for two weeks.
I spent yesterday writing
a screenplay for Carole Bouquet.
- With her?
- No.
I haven't seen a hooker since '77.
It's got to be a mistake.
Michel!
I'll see to it, sir.
Thank you.
Hello, Mr Blanc.
I have a suite reserved.
Let me see.
- One moment.
- Give me a pen.
Can I have an autograph?
Put "To Teddy."
I've nothing in your name, sir.
- What?
- I'm sorry...
Can I have another?
For Fifi.
Call the Festival.
Get them to sort it out.
A photo of us?
Fetch Mr Jacob.
Photo with my mate.
Stop breaking my balls!
Loser!
I won't watch you on TV again!
Come on, Fifi.
He's an arsehole.
- We've a problem, sir.
- This isn't the time.
Michel!
I thought you couldn't make it.
- Who told you that?
- Your agent.
This is madness.
He told us you were busy.
What do I do now?
Sleep on the beach?
Is the hotel full?
Mr Depardieu has gone to Bulgaria,
but he's left his effects.
Give me his suite.
It's delicate.
Old Gérard wouldn't mind.
If Mr Jacob...
It's the only solution.
See you later.
Right.
Change the sheets.
With Depardieu, I'd rather.
What room is she in?
All right.
Go on, open it.
- Put it on Depardieu's tab.
- Right, sir.
Is that Mathilda?
Michel Blanc here.
How's things?
I just got here.
Are you alone?
Do you have a minute?
I've an idea for a part for you.
I'd like to discuss it.
It's a thing I'm working on.
See you shortly.
What's going on?
Blanc's going to screw May.
You're sick!
You know I'm seeing someone.
You can still relax.
I do that with him.
He isn't here.
You frigid or something?
Just stop!
Stop!
I don't want to be mean,
but I've never found you attractive.
You're really weird.
It's your loss.
Michel!
Michel. How are you?
I didn't know you were in Cannes.
I have a part for you.
I'd like to discuss it.
- Now?
- It's urgent.
Hi Michel! All right?
You're here, too?
I'll come back later.
Don't be silly!
Things don't look too good.
I'll come back.
- Hands off!
- Sure?
Yes. Stop it!
What if I don't?
Stop!
You disappoint me, my girl.
It's all so petty.
What's got into you?
I'm a bit down at the moment.
I feel so alone.
As soon as I wake up,
I feel like bawling.
I was looking at my balcony earlier.
Thinking I might as well jump.
With a bit of luck,
I'd land on a Rolls.
I've always loved English cars.
Don't you have a girlfriend?
That's just it.
She left me for Patrick Bruel.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry I slapped you.
No hard feelings.
I've got a lump in my throat.
Got any champagne?
With 2 Temestas,
it might do the trick.
I'll go see.
Only half bottles.
That's fine.
Give me two.
The winners will receive
the weight of Miss Festival's breasts
in video cassettes!
And that's not all, folks!
Cassettes signed by
the one and only Michel Blanc!
Thank you.
I think it's high time
we asked Michel Blanc
to step up on the stage
and give his verdict.
Put your hands together for...
Michel Blanc!
That's enough.
I don't have all night.
I'll start at the end.
In tenth position: Nadine.
Here's twenty grand.
Count it.
What about my meal?
You turned up late.
I had dinner at the Carlton.
If you could reimburse me...
Is 500 francs all right?
My dinner cost more.
The Carlton isn't cheap.
If that's the best you can do...
It's fabulous!
How I can I thank you?
I'll think of something, Karine!
It is Karine?
- Where are we going?
- Not far.
Ever wanted to be in movies?
We had plans.
He'd sent me the script.
But Emmanuelle Béart told me
he'd promised her the role.
I decided to discuss it
with Michel... calmly.
You bastard!
I'll blow your brains out!
Cut!
Perfect, Carole!
Thanks!
See you tomorrow!
Ah, the gun!
- How are you?
- That depends on you.
Drive me home.
We can chat on the way.
I've something to ask you.
Am I the only one
you offered the part to?
Of course. Why?
Emmanuelle Béart said
you'd told her about it in Cannes.
This year?
Didn't go near the place.
Hello.
Do you recognize me?
No, sorry.
Last week at Denise's.
Remember?
No, not at all.
I don't know a Denise.
The swingers' club in Les Halles!
My wife was in a blue thong.
It doesn't ring any bells.
You are Michel Blanc?
I'm not your guy.
I get it!
Pally at orgies,
but not in front of your missus!
Next time,
even if it's Mickey Rourke,
no one's screwing my wife!
I don't know the guy!
Sorry, Carole.
Don't worry. I'm discreet.
I won't tell a soul.
I don't go to such places.
Your private life is your affair.
First right.
Thanks.
Goodbye, Michel.
I like your idea.
Get to work.
Forget such dubious places.
Carole, honestly...
Relax, Michel.
I was joking!
He called me at 2am.
To talk about Carole, I thought.
But he said: "I'm down.
How about a drink at Régine's?"
I realized something wasn't right.
Good evening!
I told you if you came back
I'd smash you in the face!
Take that!
What are you're doing?
You're crazy!
I told you not to come back.
I'm willing to forget what happened,
but don't come back.
What's this?
Candid Camera?
I didn't know.
My son never talks.
He does, you don't listen.
I soon realized something was up.
Right!
Am I glad to see you!
I'm dying for a pee.
Why are you here?
I've got your rabbit pâté.
- What pâté?
- The one you asked for.
Come on!
I'm bursting!
I never asked Mum for anything!
Take the pâté.
Don't argue!
What will I do with all this?
What do you think?
Perfume your wardrobes?
I hardly ever eat at home.
It's easier to blow
your cash in a restaurant!
You obviously don't sweat
for your money!
Hey!
You still haven't fixed the loo.
Forgot to call the plumber.
You don't need a plumber.
It'll only take a minute.
I don't have the time!
I'll fix it myself.
Forget it!
I'll see to it tomorrow.
My eye!
Where are your tools?
Why would I have tools?
- To fix the flush.
- I don't have any.
I'll fix it with a fork.
Unless you don't have any,
because you always eat out!
Bring me the pâté!
I'll put it in the fridge.
When did I ask Mum?
Last week, when you bumped into her
in the street.
You're losing your mind, lad!
Have you got a nut-cracker?
I don't know.
Look in there.
- Last week?
- That's right.
You need a rest, son!
Your mum did tell me
you weren't yourself.
You didn't even recognize her.
She had to run after you!
You ought to settle down
with a nice woman.
Instead of having it away
with all those singers!
Pour me a glass of white wine!
Make yourself useful!
Something funny is going on.
Something isn't right!
He seemed strange.
He's unbearable when he writes.
He doesn't associate
with the sort... one ought to!
He spends all his time in clubs.
But that's nothing unusual.
How's the script going?
Not a line since last time.
I bet you'll give up again.
Nothing since Marche à l'ombre.
That was 7 years ago.
Why the writer's block?
Weird things are happening.
Everything's going to go tits
over arse, I can feel it.
You do too much at once.
It can't go on.
You're well paid.
Why do appearances in clubs?
What appearances?
I don't care if you demand cash.
But for your image... it's lousy!
I never do appearances!
Someone saw you.
Want to kill me?
Want to drive me insane?
What is this?
Why get in a state?
Everything's pissing me off!
People are pissing me off.
My dad is, and so are you!
May I be honest with you?
I don't think you're well.
You look awful.
You do 50 things at once!
Don't you start!
Why not work at my place?
It's a big house.
You'd be independent.
It's so peaceful there.
It's in the Tenere?
The Luberon.
It's a lovely spot.
I can't write there!
It'd do you good.
She's right.
In 3 months' time,
you'll have finished
the screenplay.
In 3 months' time,
I'll have lost my tongue!
Give it some thought.
I'll rent a TV.
There isn't even a TV?
I've had a rough patch,
but things are on the up.
I can feel it.
Let's go!
What do you want?
Are you Michel Blanc?
I don't know, it's too early!
Who are you?
Police. I arrest jokers!
Search the place!
Check the bedroom.
I'm warning you,
I know Bernard Kouchner!
What are you accused of?
I don't bloody know!
So you left Carole Bouquet's home
around 1am, did you?
Yes!
You came straight home?
Yes!
I went straight to bed.
Let me tell you a secret, Mr Blanc.
I've always wanted to nab an actor.
And I soon will!
Have a little think.
It'll save time.
Face to face!
Why are you here?
What do you think?
Bloody sod!
- Josie, what's the matter?
- As if you don't know!
- Relax!
- You bloody pig!
Bastard!
Leave a bit for me.
Sit him down.
What is this?
Be reasonable.
Or my hand might slip.
It's your choice.
Mrs Balasko,
please repeat what you told us.
It was about three in the morning.
The doorbell rang.
I was home alone.
I saw this prick, and let him in.
How was I to know!
Before I knew it,
he'd tied me up and screwed me!
If you can call it that!
You're mad!
Don't think I came!
I faked it to get rid of you!
This is a nightmare.
You still deny it?
Lock him up!
Let's be having you!
Bloody pervert!
It's a misunderstanding!
It always is!
Life is one big misunderstanding!
No!
Look, we're getting
a better sort of crowd!
Maybe we got the wrong club.
Maybe we're at Bains-Douches.
Say hello, then.
You're more chatty on TV.
Maybe it's us.
We're not good enough for him.
Is that it?
Why are you here, love?
To what do we owe the honour?
I did nothing!
Don't take us for mugs!
I'm innocent.
We're innocent, too.
The world's full of innocent men,
so are the prisons.
I'm an innocent killer.
Dédé here is an innocent arsonist.
What about you, Mimi?
Mind if I call you Mimi?
- You're hurting me.
- I'm not!
Stop or I'll shout!
No one will come!
It's time for What a night!
The cops are busy.
You're hurting me!
Do you know why?
Because you're tense.
Just relax a little.
You won't feel a thing.
Leave me alone!
What a bundle of nerves!
You're so tense!
He could do with a good fuck!
You're crazy! I'll scream!
It'd boost your career!
It's pretty limp right now.
You don't deserve your salary.
Just imagine the publicity!
"Comedian sodomised
in police custody"!
You'd get an honorary César!
Help!
Nominated!
I want out!
You're free.
The charges have been dropped.
Get out of here!
You were lucky this time.
But something tells me
we'll meet again.
The visitors' book.
Sign it for us?
Loads of your mates have.
You're here?
Waiting to slap me?
- Did I rape you, too?
- What are you talking about?
They wanted to know
what time you left.
What's going on?
I don't know.
I'm dead tired.
I need treatment.
I want to see a shrink.
No! Out the back.
The place is swarming with hacks.
It's too late to see a shrink.
You can go tomorrow.
I'm going to casualty.
I want to be admitted.
- I'll drive you.
- Certainly not!
Go, Carole!
I could be a monster!
See?
See who it is?
Emergency psychiatry?
End lift, 3rd floor.
You can't miss it.
- Aren't you Carole Bouquet?
- Yes!
Can I have an autograph?
Of course.
If I can find some paper.
- Wait a second.
- This isn't the time, madam.
If it's a girl,
I'll call her Carole!
Is this it?
I reckon it is.
Mr Blanc, I don't think
you're Dr Jekyll
or Mr Hyde.
Simply an overworked actor,
who sometimes plays
another Michel Blanc...
but hides it from himself.
- I'm completely mad?
- No!
I think you need a rest.
I'm going to give you
some little pills
which will help you turn
all this into a bad memory.
Do you have a place
in the country
where you could rest
for a few weeks?
Yes! I've got a place
in the Luberon.
That's perfect!
I've lots of patients there.
There we go!
Have a good rest.
And carry on making us laugh!
Take a gun.
One never knows.
It won't do any good.
I'm not tired.
You can be so negative!
I'm anxious.
With good reason, no?
No!
Is that so?
I don't recall raping Balasko.
I'm wrong to be anxious?
I'd understand you
if she didn't remember!
That's right, make fun of me!
It's in poor taste.
I'm only trying to help you relax.
How can I?
I don't know what's happening.
Why try to understand everything?
Accept the mystery.
Mysteries can be beautiful, too.
Working with Buñuel
turned you into a mystic!
It wouldn't have harmed you!
Meaning?
Forget it.
Take your pills.
It's true you're a cold woman.
And you're a royal pain
in the ass, Michel!
Michel!
Wake up. We're here.
Well?
What do you think?
Right!
Even worse than I expected.
How could anyone
write a comedy in this place?
- Well?
- Couldn't hear a thing.
Hasn't touched his food.
Just the scotch
and his pills!
You should go see.
He hasn't emerged for three days.
It isn't normal.
I don't want to disturb him.
He'll eat when he's hungry.
Maybe he'll never eat again.
What do you mean?
Alcohol and drugs
don't make happy bedfellows!
Only nasty suicides.
Why would he kill himself?
He wasn't very cheery.
You like tragedy!
Life made me that way.
Reminds me of poor cousin Albert.
He was small and ugly, too.
One day we found him hanging!
Stop talking nonsense!
You've scared me.
Michel!
Are you okay?
See, it isn't normal!
Something terrible has happened!
Keep an eye on lunch!
Michel, I'm coming in.
- Michel!
- It isn't me!
All right?
- Where am I?
- In the Luberon.
You don't recognize me?
What?
- You're in the country.
- I can't hear.
You're at my place.
What time is it?
2pm.
Why the earplugs?
- There's no noise.
- Precisely!
The silence wakes me up!
Sorry to intrude,
but I was worried.
You're not eating.
I'm in knots.
Because you're shut up in here.
It's so gloomy.
Why not work outside?
No one has ever written outside!
The light is lovely!
- I'm not a painter!
- Of course not.
You should open the shutters,
enjoy the view.
The view distresses me!
It so bloody grim!
The sun might cheer you up.
That'd be a first!
Mind out!
I've made a Provencal stew.
Would a Saint Joseph go with it?
It'll go with the stew,
but as for me...
How can I work after a stew?
It won't change much.
You wrote nothing yesterday.
I get it! You want a return
on your investment!
Tell me how much I owe you!
Don't take it that way.
I'm just trying to be nice.
I see!
Why are you being so nice?
Tell me, Carole Bouquet...
do you intend
to screw a comedian?
Got your answer?
- Loud and clear!
- Perfect!
Take a shower, get dressed
and drop the Woody Allen act!
Anxious clowns piss me off!
You've got 20 minutes!
Is that clear?
All right.
And we're eating outside!
It might do me some good.
Delicious stew, Carole.
I mean it.
Thank you, Michel.
Have some more.
I really couldn't.
May I clear the table?
Sorry about earlier.
- Forget it.
- What came over me?
Must be the whisky and pills.
Stop that for a start.
I'll certainly try.
Why wear a hat?
We're in the shade.
There are gaps in the foliage.
I'll look like Gorbachev.
I won't insist!
I'll come see you at Continent.
Sorry?
My granddaughter wants
to get her cassette signed.
What's all this about cassettes?
She read it in the paper.
- What paper?
- Hold on.
Do you have the paper?
I used it for the peelings.
I've got it!
"Mr Blanc will be signing cassettes
in the sports section..."
Here we go again!
Let's grab the bull by the horns!
Where are you going?
This is a bad idea!
The nightmare's soon over!
- Where's the sports section?
- That way.
Concentrate, Julien.
It's your second ball.
Aim for the target!
Missed!
You've one more go!
Excuse me.
There's our answer!
You have a look-alike.
You reckon?
It's frightening!
Spitting image.
Reassured?
To look like him?
Ready for your third try?
Whenever you're ready!
You win!
Right on target!
Appalling!
And he still claims benefit!
Let's wait outside.
We ought to tell the police.
He raped Balasko!
I'll protect you!
Hang on!
Excuse me!
No more autographs!
- It isn't that.
- What then?
Who are you?
I'm Michel Blanc.
- And you?
- We're Michel Blanc, too.
Shit!
Wait!
Stop!
Wait!
We need to talk!
We'll catch him up!
He's got a sports car!
Great!
I'm a speed freak!
Belt up!
There he is!
- OK?
- Not great!
- Stop!
- We've got him!
Stop!
I'm going to throw up.
Sorry.
Feeling better?
A bit.
We've lost him.
Perhaps not.
- Got his address?
- No.
But a village keeps cropping up.
So?
We're going there.
We don't know where it is!
- We'll look!
- We won't find it!
Stop being such a pessimist.
It's so tiring.
Belt up!
What do we do now?
Ask in the cafe
if they know these people.
Why me?
I've driven 400 kilometres!
Stop asking questions!
Just get a move on!
OK. I'm going.
But you'd best change your tone,
or I'll blow my top!
- I hear you!
- Good!
Hello!
Our star!
How are you, Mr Patrick?
- Patrick?
- The handsome one! Drink?
We weren't expecting you.
Come and give us a kiss!
Or do I have to get up?
No...
Hello, handsome!
You've changed cologne.
He's got company!
- A lass at last!
- Bloody Nora!
It's Carole Bouquet!
- It isn't!
- You're doing OK!
Jammy sod!
To think we were schoolmates!
I never have any luck!
What about me?
Married to you!
I'd rather get laid by Alain Delon!
It's not what I meant!
- OK!
- Stop your bickering!
I'd best be off.
Since you're here...
I've a parcel for your mum.
Save me the trip.
- All right.
- Here!
Kiss Carole for us!
Will do.
Well?
They called me Patrick.
That's for my mum.
One was a schoolmate.
It's normal.
They think you're your look-alike.
Your mate left his mark!
Where to now?
To your mother's.
We've got her address.
Goodness!
Hello, madam!
You might've let me know, Patrick!
It's bad of you!
What do I like in my dressing gown!
It isn't fit for Carole Bouquet!
Always surprising me, he is!
You'll catch your death.
It's late...
Don't you worry!
Go in.
Fetch a bottle from the cellar!
- The cellar?
- Under the house, silly!
Unless you'd prefer a Suze, madam?
I don't mind.
I don't want to bother you.
You're no bother at all!
I'm so ashamed!
Looks like a gyppo's home.
That way.
I'll show you your room.
We can't stay.
You must stay for dinner.
I don't have much...
- No, really...
- Don't argue, Carole!
May I call you Carole?
I'm Marthe.
Have a seat.
Admiring my photos?
I cut them out the paper.
Mothers!
You have children, too.
Every time I see Patrick on telly,
I cry like a fool.
- Patrick?
- His real name!
Patrick Olivier.
Michel Blanc's his stage name.
Didn't want to upset his dad.
One night me and my hubby
were watching telly,
and there he was on the box!
We were chuffed.
He used to be a celebrity
at the police station!
Nothing serious, mind:
car radio theft,
but we were afraid for him.
He made a face
when he saw himself.
Said he wanted to surprise us.
He's a good lad.
Carole, we can't stay.
I'll pop something in the oven!
Take the tray!
We'll eat...
- We're not hungry!
- I am!
- Where are they?
- Eating!
- How long?
- Forty five minutes.
They had a tomato salad to start.
- With what?
- Muscadet!
White wine with salad!
It had tuna in it.
A chilled côtes du rhône
would've been better.
- The other with the next course.
- What is it?
Pork confit roasted with garlic.
As vegetables, courgettes.
If they need any cheese,
I've got some!
She has everything she needs!
It's going well!
- What's she like?
- Very kind, easygoing.
She's had two helpings of brawn!
You're crazy!
We shouldn't have stayed for dinner.
She's delighted to have us.
Maybe she's in cahoots
with her son!
We'll end up 6 feet under!
I've fried a few wild mushrooms.
To help the pork go down!
Aren't you eating?
- It's the damp.
- Knock, knock!
Why, Mrs Baudet!
- Am I disturbing you?
- We're eating.
But come in!
It's Mrs Baudet.
A family occasion...
Just an informal dinner.
Have a bit of tart with us.
You know Carole Bouquet.
She taught Patrick everything.
- Hello, Mrs Bouquet.
- Hello, madam.
Hello, sonny!
- Have a drink.
- Don't mind if I do!
But you must come to mine
for coffee afterwards.
My son would love to see you!
We really can't stay.
They're in the area for the night.
Just for a minute!
Say hello before you go.
It'll be the best day of his life.
He's been paralysed 5 years!
Come on, Carole!
OK. But just for a minute.
You're a kind woman.
It shows!
Come on. It's this way.
Go on. He's in there.
In you go.
Go on.
Hello!
Delighted to meet you!
Don't disturb him!
- Give me your hand!
- Of course!
All right?
Sure he's OK?
I don't know!
What's wrong with him?
I'll let you rest!
No! Stay in bed!
Bloody hell!
He's walking!
Right. Come on, Carole!
I can walk...
Careful!
It's a miracle!
He can walk!
Please come on!
Look! I can walk!
Carole, that's enough!
I can walk!
Bloody hell, Carole!
I can walk!
And I've got a hard-on!
Sorry!
Excuse me!
Sorry!
Come on, Carole!
Excuse me!
Let go of her hand, sir!
Start the car!
Have you ever wondered
what the point was?
Of success, stardom...
The whole business!
I haven't really had the time!
Why don't we discuss it
some other time?
What have you done
with your talent?
Sorry?
Might be the answer.
I cured his legs!
Pull the other one!
Come on!
You think you cured a paralytic?
The bloke had a block.
You gave him a shock.
It unblocked him.
A miracle!
You refuse to believe in anything.
Even what you see!
I thought I was mad,
but it's you.
If it suits you to think that.
It'd suit me if we told the cops!
We can't go to the police!
We'll find Patrick and scare him!
Jail would kill his mum.
You're unbelievable!
He's my look-alike not yours!
The cops aren't after you!
Let me sort my own problems!
I'm not driving you to the station!
I'll hitch a ride.
You're in for a long wait.
Providence will provide, Sister.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
I can't let him to do that.
Finished your temper tantrum?
Jump in!
I wouldn't say no.
I'd rather sit in the back,
if you don't mind.
I can drive slowly.
No, it's fine.
I just feel like it.
You're a strange guy.
What's wrong?
Feel sick again?
Why do you ask?
You look peculiar.
- How so?
- Like you've something in mind.
- Spot on!
- What's got into you?
I'm ecstatic!
Carole Bouquet's breasts!
- I'm fondling Bouquet's breasts!
- And?
They're warm and soft!
I meant what now?
We could have sex!
Now you listen to me, Patrick!
- How did you guess?
- Feminine intuition.
You're hurting me!
Stop! I'm armed!
The guy from French Fried Vacation!
- Michel Blanc? Where?
- Under the salad bar!
- Carole Bouquet!
- Come out!
Bloody hell!
Hurry up!
I'm coming out!
While I reload!
I didn't know they were an item!
- Put your gun away!
- Shut it! Move!
What do you intend to do?
Move it, or I'll give
your arsehole a look-alike!
You lied to the whole village?
They stopped calling me a lazy git.
They liked me.
I couldn't tell them the truth.
It's not a big deal.
I've done no harm!
And Balasko?
A blunder.
I was after her money.
When I saw her tied up,
I couldn't resist!
I'm only human!
Listen carefully,
I'll try to be brief.
You'd better keep a low profile.
If I bump into you again,
you'll get my fist in your face!
Understand?
Loud and clear!
You've got 5 minutes to disappear!
I'm going!
I wanted to inform the police
but Carole refused.
The miracle really shook her.
She reckons it's a miracle.
I think it's nerves.
The bloke probably collapsed
as soon as we left.
I prefer to tell all,
because the guy's dangerous.
If you have any questions...
Bravo! Here you go!
I've always wondered...
Do you improvise,
or learn your lines by heart?
Goodbye!
Try to come for Christmas.
We all dress up!
Proud of yourself?
You claim to be a leftie,
you sing for Ethiopia.
As long as there are cameras around!
Grassing to the cops!
Don't take the piss!
I'll break your face!
- Calm down!
- I'll kill you!
Let me explain!
Explain what?
That you're a crook?
You're strangling me!
That's your explanation?
Bastard!
I never asked to look like you!
I'd have chosen someone else!
You think it's easy?
You're always playing jerks!
How about some variety?
I don't need your advice!
Pity that.
You'd have avoided a few flops!
Why pass yourself off as me, then?
I have the disadvantages.
Why not the advantages?
I've no private life.
People smirk when I trip over.
You chose this life.
And you make a bloody packet!
I've got sod all.
What about the harm you do?
Who's harming who?
What job can I do
with a clown's face?
Would Hitler have succeeded
with Fernandel's?
You've buggered up my life!
That's the truth!
I don't have the time for this!
I've no intention
of changing my job or my mug!
You'd better find a solution.
If you start again,
I'll find more understanding cops!
OK? Goodnight!
There is a solution!
Yes! You clear off!
We could work together.
How about sharing the workload?
I don't understand.
Or rather, I'm afraid I do!
The programmes you hate...
I'll do them for you.
- That's a swindle!
- Why?
The public gets its money's worth!
You make the films.
While I promote them, you write.
And the spectators can only benefit.
Some of your stuff is so tired!
But you're only human.
I'll do all the commercial films.
You do the quality stuff.
Ideal, isn't it?
I've never done films for money!
Not only anyway!
What about all those ads, eh?
Think about it.
Don't you fancy a year off?
India, Burma.
Night falling on Along Bay,
the streets of Manila...
Madness!
You wouldn't be the first.
How does Depardieu manage
to make so many films?
A dog couldn't do it!
You're totally insane.
You frighten me.
I don't need an answer now.
You know where to find me now.
Night!
I think I've made
a very costly mistake!
What the hell's going on?
I don't like the look of this.
- Yes?
- Is Carole home?
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
I warned you!
It's me! Michel!
I've been patient, Patrick.
But I'm about to lose my temper!
I'm not my look-alike!
You won't fool me this time.
Follow me!
So you're Michel Blanc, are you?
It so happens
I'm having lunch with him!
Rotten luck!
Say something, guys!
Speak to me!
Don't get taken in by him!
There is a likeness.
It's obvious it isn't him!
I wouldn't be taken in.
His eyes are different.
It's beyond a joke!
His voice bothers me.
Michel doesn't sound so gay!
There's the bastard who raped me!
Josie, don't!
Where's your hard-on now?
- Don't find me attractive?
- Josie, please!
This'll calm you down!
Right! Get out!
Unbelievable!
Patrick, this'll end in tears!
Sorry to have been brutal.
It was to make you see reason.
I'll help you
if you stop all this madness.
I want to wake up.
I've had enough!
Hello!
- A double brandy, please.
- Coming up!
Another.
Look at me.
Just to see if you recognize me.
We don't give credit!
It isn't that.
Have you seen me before?
I dunno! Turn around.
The wally who does the weather!
Is that it?
I don't work in television.
- Films.
- Tough luck!
Films bore the pants off me!
Just finish your drink and go!
Twenty francs change!
You're really pushing it!
The joke's over!
Put your toys away!
Give my ID back
and get out of my life!
Despite all appearances,
you're an optimistic boy!
Bit of a schoolgirl.
One of the weak points
of your films.
I'm writing the script now!
And it ain't Happy Days.
Not for you anyway.
Best get used to it!
The wheel of fortune turns.
Everybody gets a go.
You don't own our mug
any more than I do.
We're co-owners.
It's like a time-share.
I've let you use it for 40 years.
But now I'm here to evict you!
I won't allow it!
You don't have the choice!
Unless you kill me,
which isn't your style.
You're such a conformist, Patrick!
- Don't call me Patrick!
- Get used to it, mate!
You're Patrick now!
Make yourself scarce,
or I'll tell the cops
you're pretending to be me
and raping my pals!
Bloody bastard!
You won't enjoy co-ownership long!
I'm going to write Michel Blanc off!
Within 24 hours,
he won't be worth peanuts!
Hello, Mr Blanc.
How may I help you?
Show me your diamond necklaces.
Have a seat,
I'll call the manager.
- What's going on?
- Some codswallop!
They're making a gangster film.
That's all they do nowadays!
Blood and guts!
I preferred him with a moustache.
He's put on weight, too.
It's the drink what does it.
Get down!
Just open the safe, OK?
Bloody well open it!
The special effects are great!
The alarm's gone off,
the police'll be here any minute!
Will you tell them?
If you leave now,
it'll be our little secret.
I'll make sure no one talks!
But this could ruin your career!
If I want to bugger up my career,
that's my business!
It's our business, too!
We love your films!
Especially Father Christmas Stinks.
I wasn't in Father Christmas!
Open the safe!
Open it!
It's quite hard work really.
Who'd have thought!
- Is there a way out downstairs?
- Just offices.
Get downstairs anyway!
Hurry!
I'm waiting for the news crew.
Great! What station?
I can't say till I've had
France 2's offer.
I'm going to make-up.
Michel was filming a tough scene
when he got the news.
Naturally he was very upset.
Carole, where is he now?
In his apartment.
He'll be making a statement soon.
Sorry, I really must dash!
It's turned out well.
It's awful for those innocent folk,
but I must say for us,
his friends, his family,
those who love him, it's a relief.
Didn't anyone notice?
Of course!
But we put it down to stress.
It's a crazy business!
I wish he'd chosen dance, like me.
I knew something was wrong.
Aren't you clever!
Tell me, Doctor,
would you say he was insane,
mentally ill?
He passed himself off
as Michel Blanc,
and I noticed right away
that he had all the symptoms
of Zinse's disease.
Self-denigration,
obsessional neurosis,
penis revulsion.
I should have realized,
but it's common in this business.
Is he responsible for his acts?
Bouquet!
Carole!
Give me 5 minutes,
I'll bring him out!
The courts are congested.
And it's none of your business!
If that's your attitude,
I'll do it without your approval!
Stop her!
For god's sake!
What's the matter?
It's weird seeing her in the flesh.
Guess who's here!
I was out shopping
and I heard you were here.
All of a sudden,
I desperately wanted to see you.
May I come down?
Are you downstairs?
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
We were a bit hard on you yesterday.
I'd like us to have a little chat.
Do you know what we should do?
Give everyone the slip
and take off to the coast.
We can chat
as we collect seashells.
How about it, Patrick?
I'm not Patrick!
Don't treat me like a lunatic.
I don't think you're mad.
You're just tired.
I sometimes wonder who I am, too.
I know who I am!
Michel Blanc!
Go away!
Don't do anything stupid!
What if I desperately wanted to?
For ages!
Ever since I felt
your hands on my breasts.
What if that's why I'm here?
The more I look at you,
the giddier I feel.
I'm going to swoon!
Stop your acting!
I'm not acting!
How does it make you feel
to see me lying here, vulnerable,
like defenceless prey?
I'm Michel.
Please believe me!
Who cares who I am,
who you are!
All I can see is two bodies
in close proximity.
How is this evening?
Mild as a spring evening.
I think it's wet and torrid.
Like a night in Malaysia
before the monsoon.
I'd like to rip off my clothes!
I'm suffocating!
Can you feel it?
Your belt's tight.
My life is suffocating!
This business is killing me!
I am sick of being cold
and inaccessible!
I'm tired of frightening men!
I dreamt of brutal lambadas,
of big sweaty lads
and working men's clubs!
And above all of strong arms
to imprison me,
to protect me, to shove me!
But no one shoves me.
Shove me, Patrick!
Be disrespectful!
What is it Balasko has?
I'm not Patrick!
Take me like a worker!
No!
I did that to save your life!
They were going to shoot you!
The best thing for blokes
with problems
is to never meet you!
I knew he wasn't the real McCoy.
That's why I set off the alarm.
Press conference!
You'll thank me one day!
They'll take care of you,
give you pills.
You'll come out in top form!
If you need me, call me!
It'll be like a holiday!
What a nice surprise!
Look, lads! Our stranger!
We've really missed you!
Dédé refused to eat for 3 days
after you left us.
There's a mistake.
I'm not Michel Blanc!
I'm much smaller!
- Much fatter, too!
- Who cares!
We love you anyway!
Help!
Patrick Olivier to the governor!
- Take a seat.
- No thank you.
Mr Olivier,
I hope you'll have fond memories
of your short stay with us.
I also hope these few months
have made you see sense.
Don't forget,
our door is always open.
First name?
Patrick.
What shows have you been in?
Loads.
I don't remember the names.
That's bothersome.
You need a good memory in this job.
I can work as an extra for now.
I'm afraid it'll be for later.
I've nothing for you right now.
Go take a look
at the jobs board anyway.
I can act in English!
I'll let Spielberg know
next time he calls me!
Bloody hell, my leg!
Next!
I've come about the job.
- Who's look-alike are you, then?
- Michel Blanc.
You reckon?
With a bit of make-up...
Don't get your hopes up.
Goodbye.
Next!
I imagine they didn't take you.
I've been waiting.
I spotted you earlier.
- You too, you've just...
- Yes!
Noiret's look-alike?
Usually I'm Deneuve,
but I've had a nasty cold.
I'm joking!
We can joke, can't we?
May I walk along with you?
I'm not going anywhere.
That's perfect.
It's on my way.
Why are we here?
Because you and I need to talk.
You haven't touched a thing.
Eat!
I feel sorry for you.
You look like death warmed up.
Nibble a bit of cheese
if you don't fancy the sausage.
We'll wash it all down with port,
smoke a cigar
and have a quiet chat.
I'm not very hungry.
You are! It's normal
when you get out of prison.
Why do you say that?
Because you've just been released.
The ending never changes.
It's always the same story.
Look at me, my dear Michel.
I'm Philippe Noiret.
I know your story.
It's identical to mine.
You get a stand-in
for the tiresome jobs.
Then one day you go too far.
And the key no longer fits the lock.
You've been kicked out.
I'm not the only one?
Of course you're not!
It suited me at first.
My wife was starting to bug me.
And then... you get used to it.
I don't want to accept it.
I want to fight.
Fight?
Whatever for?
Let me show you something!
Mind if I row?
Know what used to be there?
A cinema!
And there, another cinema.
The dream palaces of yesteryear
are processed crap outlets.
There are some left.
For what they're worth!
Have you seen what's on?
See many French films?
I'm gonna tell you something.
Listen to me, piece of shit.
You fuck off, shit!
That's all you hear nowadays.
French cinema's got one foot
in the grave!
We'll all end up as mice
in their bloody parks!
That's an exaggeration.
For fuck's sake!
Don't you ever look at the figures?
Well, you should,
because they're pretty scary!
Want me to show you
what French cinema resembles?
Here it is!
Under there!
French cinema
is the unknown soldier!
To our dead!
Come on, Philippe!
It's like an awards ceremony!
I've a few francs.
Let's go for coffee.
Seen any films
with your look-alike?
No. Always the same old Noiret!
- How about you?
- No...
You should see the latest.
It'd amuse you.
What's it about?
A story about look-alikes,
with Carole Bouquet.
Cut!
There are two guys in the shot!
Didn't you notice?
Gentlemen, we're making a film.
Please move.
Sorry! Excuse us!
Right... Action!
Another delightful day in store!
Let's push on to the park.
Gentlemen!
Fancy being in the movies?
Be in the movies!
We need two waiters.
- If you're interested...
- No thank you!
Come on, mate!
Don't let's hang about!
What are the conditions?
How much do you want?
Not less than 2500 a day.
Then there's our expenses.
We don't live in Paris.
We work in London.
And the caravan.
That's important...
Take them to make-up.
We'll start when they're ready.
Take these gentlemen to make-up.
Quick, we're waiting.
He was very anxious.
He felt completely lost,
so I decided to help him.
It all began about a year ago.
Morning, sir. Police.
Inspector Galfier.
- You are Michel Blanc?
- Yes I am.
- Why?
- May we have a word?
What's all this about?
May we come in for a minute?
Of course.
- Is that Josiane Balasko?
- Yes.
She's well hot.
She's a dyke, isn't she?
No, not at all.
That's what my brother-in-law said.
Cool! Dutronc!
A cabbie claims you didn't pay him.
Before appearing on Newsweek,
you wanted a hooker.
He took you to Rue St-Denis,
waited,
but you never came back.
That's nonsense!
It surprised us.
I mean you made
that gender-bender film...
Ménage!
Right, listen.
I haven't taken a cab for two weeks.
I spent yesterday writing
a screenplay for Carole Bouquet.
- With her?
- No.
I haven't seen a hooker since '77.
It's got to be a mistake.
Michel!
I'll see to it, sir.
Thank you.
Hello, Mr Blanc.
I have a suite reserved.
Let me see.
- One moment.
- Give me a pen.
Can I have an autograph?
Put "To Teddy."
I've nothing in your name, sir.
- What?
- I'm sorry...
Can I have another?
For Fifi.
Call the Festival.
Get them to sort it out.
A photo of us?
Fetch Mr Jacob.
Photo with my mate.
Stop breaking my balls!
Loser!
I won't watch you on TV again!
Come on, Fifi.
He's an arsehole.
- We've a problem, sir.
- This isn't the time.
Michel!
I thought you couldn't make it.
- Who told you that?
- Your agent.
This is madness.
He told us you were busy.
What do I do now?
Sleep on the beach?
Is the hotel full?
Mr Depardieu has gone to Bulgaria,
but he's left his effects.
Give me his suite.
It's delicate.
Old Gérard wouldn't mind.
If Mr Jacob...
It's the only solution.
See you later.
Right.
Change the sheets.
With Depardieu, I'd rather.
What room is she in?
All right.
Go on, open it.
- Put it on Depardieu's tab.
- Right, sir.
Is that Mathilda?
Michel Blanc here.
How's things?
I just got here.
Are you alone?
Do you have a minute?
I've an idea for a part for you.
I'd like to discuss it.
It's a thing I'm working on.
See you shortly.
What's going on?
Blanc's going to screw May.
You're sick!
You know I'm seeing someone.
You can still relax.
I do that with him.
He isn't here.
You frigid or something?
Just stop!
Stop!
I don't want to be mean,
but I've never found you attractive.
You're really weird.
It's your loss.
Michel!
Michel. How are you?
I didn't know you were in Cannes.
I have a part for you.
I'd like to discuss it.
- Now?
- It's urgent.
Hi Michel! All right?
You're here, too?
I'll come back later.
Don't be silly!
Things don't look too good.
I'll come back.
- Hands off!
- Sure?
Yes. Stop it!
What if I don't?
Stop!
You disappoint me, my girl.
It's all so petty.
What's got into you?
I'm a bit down at the moment.
I feel so alone.
As soon as I wake up,
I feel like bawling.
I was looking at my balcony earlier.
Thinking I might as well jump.
With a bit of luck,
I'd land on a Rolls.
I've always loved English cars.
Don't you have a girlfriend?
That's just it.
She left me for Patrick Bruel.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry I slapped you.
No hard feelings.
I've got a lump in my throat.
Got any champagne?
With 2 Temestas,
it might do the trick.
I'll go see.
Only half bottles.
That's fine.
Give me two.
The winners will receive
the weight of Miss Festival's breasts
in video cassettes!
And that's not all, folks!
Cassettes signed by
the one and only Michel Blanc!
Thank you.
I think it's high time
we asked Michel Blanc
to step up on the stage
and give his verdict.
Put your hands together for...
Michel Blanc!
That's enough.
I don't have all night.
I'll start at the end.
In tenth position: Nadine.
Here's twenty grand.
Count it.
What about my meal?
You turned up late.
I had dinner at the Carlton.
If you could reimburse me...
Is 500 francs all right?
My dinner cost more.
The Carlton isn't cheap.
If that's the best you can do...
It's fabulous!
How I can I thank you?
I'll think of something, Karine!
It is Karine?
- Where are we going?
- Not far.
Ever wanted to be in movies?
We had plans.
He'd sent me the script.
But Emmanuelle Béart told me
he'd promised her the role.
I decided to discuss it
with Michel... calmly.
You bastard!
I'll blow your brains out!
Cut!
Perfect, Carole!
Thanks!
See you tomorrow!
Ah, the gun!
- How are you?
- That depends on you.
Drive me home.
We can chat on the way.
I've something to ask you.
Am I the only one
you offered the part to?
Of course. Why?
Emmanuelle Béart said
you'd told her about it in Cannes.
This year?
Didn't go near the place.
Hello.
Do you recognize me?
No, sorry.
Last week at Denise's.
Remember?
No, not at all.
I don't know a Denise.
The swingers' club in Les Halles!
My wife was in a blue thong.
It doesn't ring any bells.
You are Michel Blanc?
I'm not your guy.
I get it!
Pally at orgies,
but not in front of your missus!
Next time,
even if it's Mickey Rourke,
no one's screwing my wife!
I don't know the guy!
Sorry, Carole.
Don't worry. I'm discreet.
I won't tell a soul.
I don't go to such places.
Your private life is your affair.
First right.
Thanks.
Goodbye, Michel.
I like your idea.
Get to work.
Forget such dubious places.
Carole, honestly...
Relax, Michel.
I was joking!
He called me at 2am.
To talk about Carole, I thought.
But he said: "I'm down.
How about a drink at Régine's?"
I realized something wasn't right.
Good evening!
I told you if you came back
I'd smash you in the face!
Take that!
What are you're doing?
You're crazy!
I told you not to come back.
I'm willing to forget what happened,
but don't come back.
What's this?
Candid Camera?
I didn't know.
My son never talks.
He does, you don't listen.
I soon realized something was up.
Right!
Am I glad to see you!
I'm dying for a pee.
Why are you here?
I've got your rabbit pâté.
- What pâté?
- The one you asked for.
Come on!
I'm bursting!
I never asked Mum for anything!
Take the pâté.
Don't argue!
What will I do with all this?
What do you think?
Perfume your wardrobes?
I hardly ever eat at home.
It's easier to blow
your cash in a restaurant!
You obviously don't sweat
for your money!
Hey!
You still haven't fixed the loo.
Forgot to call the plumber.
You don't need a plumber.
It'll only take a minute.
I don't have the time!
I'll fix it myself.
Forget it!
I'll see to it tomorrow.
My eye!
Where are your tools?
Why would I have tools?
- To fix the flush.
- I don't have any.
I'll fix it with a fork.
Unless you don't have any,
because you always eat out!
Bring me the pâté!
I'll put it in the fridge.
When did I ask Mum?
Last week, when you bumped into her
in the street.
You're losing your mind, lad!
Have you got a nut-cracker?
I don't know.
Look in there.
- Last week?
- That's right.
You need a rest, son!
Your mum did tell me
you weren't yourself.
You didn't even recognize her.
She had to run after you!
You ought to settle down
with a nice woman.
Instead of having it away
with all those singers!
Pour me a glass of white wine!
Make yourself useful!
Something funny is going on.
Something isn't right!
He seemed strange.
He's unbearable when he writes.
He doesn't associate
with the sort... one ought to!
He spends all his time in clubs.
But that's nothing unusual.
How's the script going?
Not a line since last time.
I bet you'll give up again.
Nothing since Marche à l'ombre.
That was 7 years ago.
Why the writer's block?
Weird things are happening.
Everything's going to go tits
over arse, I can feel it.
You do too much at once.
It can't go on.
You're well paid.
Why do appearances in clubs?
What appearances?
I don't care if you demand cash.
But for your image... it's lousy!
I never do appearances!
Someone saw you.
Want to kill me?
Want to drive me insane?
What is this?
Why get in a state?
Everything's pissing me off!
People are pissing me off.
My dad is, and so are you!
May I be honest with you?
I don't think you're well.
You look awful.
You do 50 things at once!
Don't you start!
Why not work at my place?
It's a big house.
You'd be independent.
It's so peaceful there.
It's in the Tenere?
The Luberon.
It's a lovely spot.
I can't write there!
It'd do you good.
She's right.
In 3 months' time,
you'll have finished
the screenplay.
In 3 months' time,
I'll have lost my tongue!
Give it some thought.
I'll rent a TV.
There isn't even a TV?
I've had a rough patch,
but things are on the up.
I can feel it.
Let's go!
What do you want?
Are you Michel Blanc?
I don't know, it's too early!
Who are you?
Police. I arrest jokers!
Search the place!
Check the bedroom.
I'm warning you,
I know Bernard Kouchner!
What are you accused of?
I don't bloody know!
So you left Carole Bouquet's home
around 1am, did you?
Yes!
You came straight home?
Yes!
I went straight to bed.
Let me tell you a secret, Mr Blanc.
I've always wanted to nab an actor.
And I soon will!
Have a little think.
It'll save time.
Face to face!
Why are you here?
What do you think?
Bloody sod!
- Josie, what's the matter?
- As if you don't know!
- Relax!
- You bloody pig!
Bastard!
Leave a bit for me.
Sit him down.
What is this?
Be reasonable.
Or my hand might slip.
It's your choice.
Mrs Balasko,
please repeat what you told us.
It was about three in the morning.
The doorbell rang.
I was home alone.
I saw this prick, and let him in.
How was I to know!
Before I knew it,
he'd tied me up and screwed me!
If you can call it that!
You're mad!
Don't think I came!
I faked it to get rid of you!
This is a nightmare.
You still deny it?
Lock him up!
Let's be having you!
Bloody pervert!
It's a misunderstanding!
It always is!
Life is one big misunderstanding!
No!
Look, we're getting
a better sort of crowd!
Maybe we got the wrong club.
Maybe we're at Bains-Douches.
Say hello, then.
You're more chatty on TV.
Maybe it's us.
We're not good enough for him.
Is that it?
Why are you here, love?
To what do we owe the honour?
I did nothing!
Don't take us for mugs!
I'm innocent.
We're innocent, too.
The world's full of innocent men,
so are the prisons.
I'm an innocent killer.
Dédé here is an innocent arsonist.
What about you, Mimi?
Mind if I call you Mimi?
- You're hurting me.
- I'm not!
Stop or I'll shout!
No one will come!
It's time for What a night!
The cops are busy.
You're hurting me!
Do you know why?
Because you're tense.
Just relax a little.
You won't feel a thing.
Leave me alone!
What a bundle of nerves!
You're so tense!
He could do with a good fuck!
You're crazy! I'll scream!
It'd boost your career!
It's pretty limp right now.
You don't deserve your salary.
Just imagine the publicity!
"Comedian sodomised
in police custody"!
You'd get an honorary César!
Help!
Nominated!
I want out!
You're free.
The charges have been dropped.
Get out of here!
You were lucky this time.
But something tells me
we'll meet again.
The visitors' book.
Sign it for us?
Loads of your mates have.
You're here?
Waiting to slap me?
- Did I rape you, too?
- What are you talking about?
They wanted to know
what time you left.
What's going on?
I don't know.
I'm dead tired.
I need treatment.
I want to see a shrink.
No! Out the back.
The place is swarming with hacks.
It's too late to see a shrink.
You can go tomorrow.
I'm going to casualty.
I want to be admitted.
- I'll drive you.
- Certainly not!
Go, Carole!
I could be a monster!
See?
See who it is?
Emergency psychiatry?
End lift, 3rd floor.
You can't miss it.
- Aren't you Carole Bouquet?
- Yes!
Can I have an autograph?
Of course.
If I can find some paper.
- Wait a second.
- This isn't the time, madam.
If it's a girl,
I'll call her Carole!
Is this it?
I reckon it is.
Mr Blanc, I don't think
you're Dr Jekyll
or Mr Hyde.
Simply an overworked actor,
who sometimes plays
another Michel Blanc...
but hides it from himself.
- I'm completely mad?
- No!
I think you need a rest.
I'm going to give you
some little pills
which will help you turn
all this into a bad memory.
Do you have a place
in the country
where you could rest
for a few weeks?
Yes! I've got a place
in the Luberon.
That's perfect!
I've lots of patients there.
There we go!
Have a good rest.
And carry on making us laugh!
Take a gun.
One never knows.
It won't do any good.
I'm not tired.
You can be so negative!
I'm anxious.
With good reason, no?
No!
Is that so?
I don't recall raping Balasko.
I'm wrong to be anxious?
I'd understand you
if she didn't remember!
That's right, make fun of me!
It's in poor taste.
I'm only trying to help you relax.
How can I?
I don't know what's happening.
Why try to understand everything?
Accept the mystery.
Mysteries can be beautiful, too.
Working with Buñuel
turned you into a mystic!
It wouldn't have harmed you!
Meaning?
Forget it.
Take your pills.
It's true you're a cold woman.
And you're a royal pain
in the ass, Michel!
Michel!
Wake up. We're here.
Well?
What do you think?
Right!
Even worse than I expected.
How could anyone
write a comedy in this place?
- Well?
- Couldn't hear a thing.
Hasn't touched his food.
Just the scotch
and his pills!
You should go see.
He hasn't emerged for three days.
It isn't normal.
I don't want to disturb him.
He'll eat when he's hungry.
Maybe he'll never eat again.
What do you mean?
Alcohol and drugs
don't make happy bedfellows!
Only nasty suicides.
Why would he kill himself?
He wasn't very cheery.
You like tragedy!
Life made me that way.
Reminds me of poor cousin Albert.
He was small and ugly, too.
One day we found him hanging!
Stop talking nonsense!
You've scared me.
Michel!
Are you okay?
See, it isn't normal!
Something terrible has happened!
Keep an eye on lunch!
Michel, I'm coming in.
- Michel!
- It isn't me!
All right?
- Where am I?
- In the Luberon.
You don't recognize me?
What?
- You're in the country.
- I can't hear.
You're at my place.
What time is it?
2pm.
Why the earplugs?
- There's no noise.
- Precisely!
The silence wakes me up!
Sorry to intrude,
but I was worried.
You're not eating.
I'm in knots.
Because you're shut up in here.
It's so gloomy.
Why not work outside?
No one has ever written outside!
The light is lovely!
- I'm not a painter!
- Of course not.
You should open the shutters,
enjoy the view.
The view distresses me!
It so bloody grim!
The sun might cheer you up.
That'd be a first!
Mind out!
I've made a Provencal stew.
Would a Saint Joseph go with it?
It'll go with the stew,
but as for me...
How can I work after a stew?
It won't change much.
You wrote nothing yesterday.
I get it! You want a return
on your investment!
Tell me how much I owe you!
Don't take it that way.
I'm just trying to be nice.
I see!
Why are you being so nice?
Tell me, Carole Bouquet...
do you intend
to screw a comedian?
Got your answer?
- Loud and clear!
- Perfect!
Take a shower, get dressed
and drop the Woody Allen act!
Anxious clowns piss me off!
You've got 20 minutes!
Is that clear?
All right.
And we're eating outside!
It might do me some good.
Delicious stew, Carole.
I mean it.
Thank you, Michel.
Have some more.
I really couldn't.
May I clear the table?
Sorry about earlier.
- Forget it.
- What came over me?
Must be the whisky and pills.
Stop that for a start.
I'll certainly try.
Why wear a hat?
We're in the shade.
There are gaps in the foliage.
I'll look like Gorbachev.
I won't insist!
I'll come see you at Continent.
Sorry?
My granddaughter wants
to get her cassette signed.
What's all this about cassettes?
She read it in the paper.
- What paper?
- Hold on.
Do you have the paper?
I used it for the peelings.
I've got it!
"Mr Blanc will be signing cassettes
in the sports section..."
Here we go again!
Let's grab the bull by the horns!
Where are you going?
This is a bad idea!
The nightmare's soon over!
- Where's the sports section?
- That way.
Concentrate, Julien.
It's your second ball.
Aim for the target!
Missed!
You've one more go!
Excuse me.
There's our answer!
You have a look-alike.
You reckon?
It's frightening!
Spitting image.
Reassured?
To look like him?
Ready for your third try?
Whenever you're ready!
You win!
Right on target!
Appalling!
And he still claims benefit!
Let's wait outside.
We ought to tell the police.
He raped Balasko!
I'll protect you!
Hang on!
Excuse me!
No more autographs!
- It isn't that.
- What then?
Who are you?
I'm Michel Blanc.
- And you?
- We're Michel Blanc, too.
Shit!
Wait!
Stop!
Wait!
We need to talk!
We'll catch him up!
He's got a sports car!
Great!
I'm a speed freak!
Belt up!
There he is!
- OK?
- Not great!
- Stop!
- We've got him!
Stop!
I'm going to throw up.
Sorry.
Feeling better?
A bit.
We've lost him.
Perhaps not.
- Got his address?
- No.
But a village keeps cropping up.
So?
We're going there.
We don't know where it is!
- We'll look!
- We won't find it!
Stop being such a pessimist.
It's so tiring.
Belt up!
What do we do now?
Ask in the cafe
if they know these people.
Why me?
I've driven 400 kilometres!
Stop asking questions!
Just get a move on!
OK. I'm going.
But you'd best change your tone,
or I'll blow my top!
- I hear you!
- Good!
Hello!
Our star!
How are you, Mr Patrick?
- Patrick?
- The handsome one! Drink?
We weren't expecting you.
Come and give us a kiss!
Or do I have to get up?
No...
Hello, handsome!
You've changed cologne.
He's got company!
- A lass at last!
- Bloody Nora!
It's Carole Bouquet!
- It isn't!
- You're doing OK!
Jammy sod!
To think we were schoolmates!
I never have any luck!
What about me?
Married to you!
I'd rather get laid by Alain Delon!
It's not what I meant!
- OK!
- Stop your bickering!
I'd best be off.
Since you're here...
I've a parcel for your mum.
Save me the trip.
- All right.
- Here!
Kiss Carole for us!
Will do.
Well?
They called me Patrick.
That's for my mum.
One was a schoolmate.
It's normal.
They think you're your look-alike.
Your mate left his mark!
Where to now?
To your mother's.
We've got her address.
Goodness!
Hello, madam!
You might've let me know, Patrick!
It's bad of you!
What do I like in my dressing gown!
It isn't fit for Carole Bouquet!
Always surprising me, he is!
You'll catch your death.
It's late...
Don't you worry!
Go in.
Fetch a bottle from the cellar!
- The cellar?
- Under the house, silly!
Unless you'd prefer a Suze, madam?
I don't mind.
I don't want to bother you.
You're no bother at all!
I'm so ashamed!
Looks like a gyppo's home.
That way.
I'll show you your room.
We can't stay.
You must stay for dinner.
I don't have much...
- No, really...
- Don't argue, Carole!
May I call you Carole?
I'm Marthe.
Have a seat.
Admiring my photos?
I cut them out the paper.
Mothers!
You have children, too.
Every time I see Patrick on telly,
I cry like a fool.
- Patrick?
- His real name!
Patrick Olivier.
Michel Blanc's his stage name.
Didn't want to upset his dad.
One night me and my hubby
were watching telly,
and there he was on the box!
We were chuffed.
He used to be a celebrity
at the police station!
Nothing serious, mind:
car radio theft,
but we were afraid for him.
He made a face
when he saw himself.
Said he wanted to surprise us.
He's a good lad.
Carole, we can't stay.
I'll pop something in the oven!
Take the tray!
We'll eat...
- We're not hungry!
- I am!
- Where are they?
- Eating!
- How long?
- Forty five minutes.
They had a tomato salad to start.
- With what?
- Muscadet!
White wine with salad!
It had tuna in it.
A chilled côtes du rhône
would've been better.
- The other with the next course.
- What is it?
Pork confit roasted with garlic.
As vegetables, courgettes.
If they need any cheese,
I've got some!
She has everything she needs!
It's going well!
- What's she like?
- Very kind, easygoing.
She's had two helpings of brawn!
You're crazy!
We shouldn't have stayed for dinner.
She's delighted to have us.
Maybe she's in cahoots
with her son!
We'll end up 6 feet under!
I've fried a few wild mushrooms.
To help the pork go down!
Aren't you eating?
- It's the damp.
- Knock, knock!
Why, Mrs Baudet!
- Am I disturbing you?
- We're eating.
But come in!
It's Mrs Baudet.
A family occasion...
Just an informal dinner.
Have a bit of tart with us.
You know Carole Bouquet.
She taught Patrick everything.
- Hello, Mrs Bouquet.
- Hello, madam.
Hello, sonny!
- Have a drink.
- Don't mind if I do!
But you must come to mine
for coffee afterwards.
My son would love to see you!
We really can't stay.
They're in the area for the night.
Just for a minute!
Say hello before you go.
It'll be the best day of his life.
He's been paralysed 5 years!
Come on, Carole!
OK. But just for a minute.
You're a kind woman.
It shows!
Come on. It's this way.
Go on. He's in there.
In you go.
Go on.
Hello!
Delighted to meet you!
Don't disturb him!
- Give me your hand!
- Of course!
All right?
Sure he's OK?
I don't know!
What's wrong with him?
I'll let you rest!
No! Stay in bed!
Bloody hell!
He's walking!
Right. Come on, Carole!
I can walk...
Careful!
It's a miracle!
He can walk!
Please come on!
Look! I can walk!
Carole, that's enough!
I can walk!
Bloody hell, Carole!
I can walk!
And I've got a hard-on!
Sorry!
Excuse me!
Sorry!
Come on, Carole!
Excuse me!
Let go of her hand, sir!
Start the car!
Have you ever wondered
what the point was?
Of success, stardom...
The whole business!
I haven't really had the time!
Why don't we discuss it
some other time?
What have you done
with your talent?
Sorry?
Might be the answer.
I cured his legs!
Pull the other one!
Come on!
You think you cured a paralytic?
The bloke had a block.
You gave him a shock.
It unblocked him.
A miracle!
You refuse to believe in anything.
Even what you see!
I thought I was mad,
but it's you.
If it suits you to think that.
It'd suit me if we told the cops!
We can't go to the police!
We'll find Patrick and scare him!
Jail would kill his mum.
You're unbelievable!
He's my look-alike not yours!
The cops aren't after you!
Let me sort my own problems!
I'm not driving you to the station!
I'll hitch a ride.
You're in for a long wait.
Providence will provide, Sister.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
I can't let him to do that.
Finished your temper tantrum?
Jump in!
I wouldn't say no.
I'd rather sit in the back,
if you don't mind.
I can drive slowly.
No, it's fine.
I just feel like it.
You're a strange guy.
What's wrong?
Feel sick again?
Why do you ask?
You look peculiar.
- How so?
- Like you've something in mind.
- Spot on!
- What's got into you?
I'm ecstatic!
Carole Bouquet's breasts!
- I'm fondling Bouquet's breasts!
- And?
They're warm and soft!
I meant what now?
We could have sex!
Now you listen to me, Patrick!
- How did you guess?
- Feminine intuition.
You're hurting me!
Stop! I'm armed!
The guy from French Fried Vacation!
- Michel Blanc? Where?
- Under the salad bar!
- Carole Bouquet!
- Come out!
Bloody hell!
Hurry up!
I'm coming out!
While I reload!
I didn't know they were an item!
- Put your gun away!
- Shut it! Move!
What do you intend to do?
Move it, or I'll give
your arsehole a look-alike!
You lied to the whole village?
They stopped calling me a lazy git.
They liked me.
I couldn't tell them the truth.
It's not a big deal.
I've done no harm!
And Balasko?
A blunder.
I was after her money.
When I saw her tied up,
I couldn't resist!
I'm only human!
Listen carefully,
I'll try to be brief.
You'd better keep a low profile.
If I bump into you again,
you'll get my fist in your face!
Understand?
Loud and clear!
You've got 5 minutes to disappear!
I'm going!
I wanted to inform the police
but Carole refused.
The miracle really shook her.
She reckons it's a miracle.
I think it's nerves.
The bloke probably collapsed
as soon as we left.
I prefer to tell all,
because the guy's dangerous.
If you have any questions...
Bravo! Here you go!
I've always wondered...
Do you improvise,
or learn your lines by heart?
Goodbye!
Try to come for Christmas.
We all dress up!
Proud of yourself?
You claim to be a leftie,
you sing for Ethiopia.
As long as there are cameras around!
Grassing to the cops!
Don't take the piss!
I'll break your face!
- Calm down!
- I'll kill you!
Let me explain!
Explain what?
That you're a crook?
You're strangling me!
That's your explanation?
Bastard!
I never asked to look like you!
I'd have chosen someone else!
You think it's easy?
You're always playing jerks!
How about some variety?
I don't need your advice!
Pity that.
You'd have avoided a few flops!
Why pass yourself off as me, then?
I have the disadvantages.
Why not the advantages?
I've no private life.
People smirk when I trip over.
You chose this life.
And you make a bloody packet!
I've got sod all.
What about the harm you do?
Who's harming who?
What job can I do
with a clown's face?
Would Hitler have succeeded
with Fernandel's?
You've buggered up my life!
That's the truth!
I don't have the time for this!
I've no intention
of changing my job or my mug!
You'd better find a solution.
If you start again,
I'll find more understanding cops!
OK? Goodnight!
There is a solution!
Yes! You clear off!
We could work together.
How about sharing the workload?
I don't understand.
Or rather, I'm afraid I do!
The programmes you hate...
I'll do them for you.
- That's a swindle!
- Why?
The public gets its money's worth!
You make the films.
While I promote them, you write.
And the spectators can only benefit.
Some of your stuff is so tired!
But you're only human.
I'll do all the commercial films.
You do the quality stuff.
Ideal, isn't it?
I've never done films for money!
Not only anyway!
What about all those ads, eh?
Think about it.
Don't you fancy a year off?
India, Burma.
Night falling on Along Bay,
the streets of Manila...
Madness!
You wouldn't be the first.
How does Depardieu manage
to make so many films?
A dog couldn't do it!
You're totally insane.
You frighten me.
I don't need an answer now.
You know where to find me now.
Night!
I think I've made
a very costly mistake!
What the hell's going on?
I don't like the look of this.
- Yes?
- Is Carole home?
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
I warned you!
It's me! Michel!
I've been patient, Patrick.
But I'm about to lose my temper!
I'm not my look-alike!
You won't fool me this time.
Follow me!
So you're Michel Blanc, are you?
It so happens
I'm having lunch with him!
Rotten luck!
Say something, guys!
Speak to me!
Don't get taken in by him!
There is a likeness.
It's obvious it isn't him!
I wouldn't be taken in.
His eyes are different.
It's beyond a joke!
His voice bothers me.
Michel doesn't sound so gay!
There's the bastard who raped me!
Josie, don't!
Where's your hard-on now?
- Don't find me attractive?
- Josie, please!
This'll calm you down!
Right! Get out!
Unbelievable!
Patrick, this'll end in tears!
Sorry to have been brutal.
It was to make you see reason.
I'll help you
if you stop all this madness.
I want to wake up.
I've had enough!
Hello!
- A double brandy, please.
- Coming up!
Another.
Look at me.
Just to see if you recognize me.
We don't give credit!
It isn't that.
Have you seen me before?
I dunno! Turn around.
The wally who does the weather!
Is that it?
I don't work in television.
- Films.
- Tough luck!
Films bore the pants off me!
Just finish your drink and go!
Twenty francs change!
You're really pushing it!
The joke's over!
Put your toys away!
Give my ID back
and get out of my life!
Despite all appearances,
you're an optimistic boy!
Bit of a schoolgirl.
One of the weak points
of your films.
I'm writing the script now!
And it ain't Happy Days.
Not for you anyway.
Best get used to it!
The wheel of fortune turns.
Everybody gets a go.
You don't own our mug
any more than I do.
We're co-owners.
It's like a time-share.
I've let you use it for 40 years.
But now I'm here to evict you!
I won't allow it!
You don't have the choice!
Unless you kill me,
which isn't your style.
You're such a conformist, Patrick!
- Don't call me Patrick!
- Get used to it, mate!
You're Patrick now!
Make yourself scarce,
or I'll tell the cops
you're pretending to be me
and raping my pals!
Bloody bastard!
You won't enjoy co-ownership long!
I'm going to write Michel Blanc off!
Within 24 hours,
he won't be worth peanuts!
Hello, Mr Blanc.
How may I help you?
Show me your diamond necklaces.
Have a seat,
I'll call the manager.
- What's going on?
- Some codswallop!
They're making a gangster film.
That's all they do nowadays!
Blood and guts!
I preferred him with a moustache.
He's put on weight, too.
It's the drink what does it.
Get down!
Just open the safe, OK?
Bloody well open it!
The special effects are great!
The alarm's gone off,
the police'll be here any minute!
Will you tell them?
If you leave now,
it'll be our little secret.
I'll make sure no one talks!
But this could ruin your career!
If I want to bugger up my career,
that's my business!
It's our business, too!
We love your films!
Especially Father Christmas Stinks.
I wasn't in Father Christmas!
Open the safe!
Open it!
It's quite hard work really.
Who'd have thought!
- Is there a way out downstairs?
- Just offices.
Get downstairs anyway!
Hurry!
I'm waiting for the news crew.
Great! What station?
I can't say till I've had
France 2's offer.
I'm going to make-up.
Michel was filming a tough scene
when he got the news.
Naturally he was very upset.
Carole, where is he now?
In his apartment.
He'll be making a statement soon.
Sorry, I really must dash!
It's turned out well.
It's awful for those innocent folk,
but I must say for us,
his friends, his family,
those who love him, it's a relief.
Didn't anyone notice?
Of course!
But we put it down to stress.
It's a crazy business!
I wish he'd chosen dance, like me.
I knew something was wrong.
Aren't you clever!
Tell me, Doctor,
would you say he was insane,
mentally ill?
He passed himself off
as Michel Blanc,
and I noticed right away
that he had all the symptoms
of Zinse's disease.
Self-denigration,
obsessional neurosis,
penis revulsion.
I should have realized,
but it's common in this business.
Is he responsible for his acts?
Bouquet!
Carole!
Give me 5 minutes,
I'll bring him out!
The courts are congested.
And it's none of your business!
If that's your attitude,
I'll do it without your approval!
Stop her!
For god's sake!
What's the matter?
It's weird seeing her in the flesh.
Guess who's here!
I was out shopping
and I heard you were here.
All of a sudden,
I desperately wanted to see you.
May I come down?
Are you downstairs?
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
We were a bit hard on you yesterday.
I'd like us to have a little chat.
Do you know what we should do?
Give everyone the slip
and take off to the coast.
We can chat
as we collect seashells.
How about it, Patrick?
I'm not Patrick!
Don't treat me like a lunatic.
I don't think you're mad.
You're just tired.
I sometimes wonder who I am, too.
I know who I am!
Michel Blanc!
Go away!
Don't do anything stupid!
What if I desperately wanted to?
For ages!
Ever since I felt
your hands on my breasts.
What if that's why I'm here?
The more I look at you,
the giddier I feel.
I'm going to swoon!
Stop your acting!
I'm not acting!
How does it make you feel
to see me lying here, vulnerable,
like defenceless prey?
I'm Michel.
Please believe me!
Who cares who I am,
who you are!
All I can see is two bodies
in close proximity.
How is this evening?
Mild as a spring evening.
I think it's wet and torrid.
Like a night in Malaysia
before the monsoon.
I'd like to rip off my clothes!
I'm suffocating!
Can you feel it?
Your belt's tight.
My life is suffocating!
This business is killing me!
I am sick of being cold
and inaccessible!
I'm tired of frightening men!
I dreamt of brutal lambadas,
of big sweaty lads
and working men's clubs!
And above all of strong arms
to imprison me,
to protect me, to shove me!
But no one shoves me.
Shove me, Patrick!
Be disrespectful!
What is it Balasko has?
I'm not Patrick!
Take me like a worker!
No!
I did that to save your life!
They were going to shoot you!
The best thing for blokes
with problems
is to never meet you!
I knew he wasn't the real McCoy.
That's why I set off the alarm.
Press conference!
You'll thank me one day!
They'll take care of you,
give you pills.
You'll come out in top form!
If you need me, call me!
It'll be like a holiday!
What a nice surprise!
Look, lads! Our stranger!
We've really missed you!
Dédé refused to eat for 3 days
after you left us.
There's a mistake.
I'm not Michel Blanc!
I'm much smaller!
- Much fatter, too!
- Who cares!
We love you anyway!
Help!
Patrick Olivier to the governor!
- Take a seat.
- No thank you.
Mr Olivier,
I hope you'll have fond memories
of your short stay with us.
I also hope these few months
have made you see sense.
Don't forget,
our door is always open.
First name?
Patrick.
What shows have you been in?
Loads.
I don't remember the names.
That's bothersome.
You need a good memory in this job.
I can work as an extra for now.
I'm afraid it'll be for later.
I've nothing for you right now.
Go take a look
at the jobs board anyway.
I can act in English!
I'll let Spielberg know
next time he calls me!
Bloody hell, my leg!
Next!
I've come about the job.
- Who's look-alike are you, then?
- Michel Blanc.
You reckon?
With a bit of make-up...
Don't get your hopes up.
Goodbye.
Next!
I imagine they didn't take you.
I've been waiting.
I spotted you earlier.
- You too, you've just...
- Yes!
Noiret's look-alike?
Usually I'm Deneuve,
but I've had a nasty cold.
I'm joking!
We can joke, can't we?
May I walk along with you?
I'm not going anywhere.
That's perfect.
It's on my way.
Why are we here?
Because you and I need to talk.
You haven't touched a thing.
Eat!
I feel sorry for you.
You look like death warmed up.
Nibble a bit of cheese
if you don't fancy the sausage.
We'll wash it all down with port,
smoke a cigar
and have a quiet chat.
I'm not very hungry.
You are! It's normal
when you get out of prison.
Why do you say that?
Because you've just been released.
The ending never changes.
It's always the same story.
Look at me, my dear Michel.
I'm Philippe Noiret.
I know your story.
It's identical to mine.
You get a stand-in
for the tiresome jobs.
Then one day you go too far.
And the key no longer fits the lock.
You've been kicked out.
I'm not the only one?
Of course you're not!
It suited me at first.
My wife was starting to bug me.
And then... you get used to it.
I don't want to accept it.
I want to fight.
Fight?
Whatever for?
Let me show you something!
Mind if I row?
Know what used to be there?
A cinema!
And there, another cinema.
The dream palaces of yesteryear
are processed crap outlets.
There are some left.
For what they're worth!
Have you seen what's on?
See many French films?
I'm gonna tell you something.
Listen to me, piece of shit.
You fuck off, shit!
That's all you hear nowadays.
French cinema's got one foot
in the grave!
We'll all end up as mice
in their bloody parks!
That's an exaggeration.
For fuck's sake!
Don't you ever look at the figures?
Well, you should,
because they're pretty scary!
Want me to show you
what French cinema resembles?
Here it is!
Under there!
French cinema
is the unknown soldier!
To our dead!
Come on, Philippe!
It's like an awards ceremony!
I've a few francs.
Let's go for coffee.
Seen any films
with your look-alike?
No. Always the same old Noiret!
- How about you?
- No...
You should see the latest.
It'd amuse you.
What's it about?
A story about look-alikes,
with Carole Bouquet.
Cut!
There are two guys in the shot!
Didn't you notice?
Gentlemen, we're making a film.
Please move.
Sorry! Excuse us!
Right... Action!
Another delightful day in store!
Let's push on to the park.
Gentlemen!
Fancy being in the movies?
Be in the movies!
We need two waiters.
- If you're interested...
- No thank you!
Come on, mate!
Don't let's hang about!
What are the conditions?
How much do you want?
Not less than 2500 a day.
Then there's our expenses.
We don't live in Paris.
We work in London.
And the caravan.
That's important...
Take them to make-up.
We'll start when they're ready.
Take these gentlemen to make-up.
Quick, we're waiting.