Dead Air (2016) - full transcript

mike you need to be
quick we need you to

help us

ugh

morning Mr Michaelson
morning Jason uh

it's just Mike

by the way um you
don't have to worry

about calling me Mr Michaelson

oh okay uh I have
your post oh just

put up my desk please

thanks but you don't
have a, okay!

hey mike oh my god i've got your



breakfast order all
in the book for when

you finish

um now i saw last
week that you had

uh egg and rye bread
but uh this week

you had a whole meal

so i was wondering
if maybe you wanted

to switch things up
i mean we've got

no you're in the zone it's fine

and day gets worse
in three two mike

you're late

and you're early you
know all about that

wouldn't you listen mike

if you're gonna host
my show my show i'm

going to host my show
can you at least



be here on time to host it

and i've got some
enormous papers if

you'd sign oh great
thanks jeanette i'll

be sure to look them
over anything else

yeah you left this at
my house oh and uh

mr hathaway wants you
so when you've got

a minute

hello listeners and
welcome to srock

radio's midnight shift i'm mike

michaelson and i'll
be accompanying you

through the early hours of this

fine monday morning
on today's show we

have a special guest

who uh oh oh

hang on i'm just
being informed by my

producer that our special guest

is dead

oh so i'm very sorry
to hear that so um

oh no no oh no no
um my bad i've i've

made a mistake our

special guest is
chopping his ear off i

don't understand

one second janet
what the fuck you

trying to tell me

he's asleep it's 2
a.m everyone is

asleep

moving swiftly on
i've got some great

tracks to keep those

insomniacs awake and those heavy

drinkers entertained

here's a favorite
of mine from brian

adams

i wanted to see
you in here today

because i've got an exciting new

opportunity for you

i've had jason look
over the numbers and

out of anyone on the
graveyard shift

you've had the highest ratings

what do you say
michael fancy trying

your hand at prime time

oh i'd i'd love to
it's always been a

dream of mine

i won't let you down
so today we have a

very special edition to our show

it's mike oh chill
last night again

ricky

it's michaelson and
i'm not a rookie

your parents named you

michael michaelson

so today mike we're
talking about relics

a particular

relic in fact what
through the grapevine

this morning is that an old

world war ii capsule
has recently been

dug up in frankfurt

so how does this
affect you i know

you're quite the

avid historian oh uh yeah

yeah no i um love uh how the

So you love the holocaust
I hope you know

i'm of german descent

no right no i know
that hands but i'm

just saying are you
hearing this ladies

and gentlemen

our very own mike
michelson love the

holocaust that's not
what i'm saying you

don't understand

oh i understand
perfectly well tell me

mike

would you say
you're anti-semitic

if anyone in his hands
it's you excuse me

nazi nation i think
it's time to go to a

break

let me finish i'm
being invited onto

your show only to
be ridiculed and

bullied into being
made to look like a

racist

i won't have that
well you see no you

think i'm gonna just
sit here while you

attack me

like your bloodthirsty
ancestors did to

the polish

go to news can i offer
you a jaffa cake

no thank you cheese
puff no no it's fine

so why are you
listening to another

radio station oh

scout the competition anyway

after your little
ordeal in there i

think

it's better if you
stay in your comfort

zone we

took a risk on you
being in prime time

well with all due respect sir

hans was pushing me
to the edge you you

basically called him a nazi

well not directly it's
probably best for

you to stay

back in the graveyard
shift where you

belong i'm sorry

it's just already been
a long day please

shout the door on your way out

Jason! oh hey hey
how'’d it go in there

did you give me your
wow factor you get

the job

Were you not listening to the

broadcast? no

why i kind of lost
my call elvis um

no what what happened

you know just for
research purposes i

called someone a nazi

oh and that's not good

no so how did it go in there

did you get fired oh
no no but it looks

like i'm going to
be on the graveyard

shift again

until i'm well

oh dead oh no i was
what do you call it

the graveyard shift

you are an idiot

where is everyone

what's this all about okay

if you're just tuning
in now we've just

got word that the capsule found

in Frankfurt early this
morning was in fact

a nazi weapon that did
contain a deadly gas

capable of causing
cell mutation and

reanimation

the gas is fast spreading
and all across

the globe

people are being
advised to remain

indoors until further
developments

tabloid crap you're
joking right this

sounds fucking serious zombies

I could take him
shut the fuck up ow

sounds pretty dangerous

I'’m going home

jason what the bloody
hell is going on

in here

i believe uh the
news affairs have

flustered some of
your employees sir

they want to be at
home with their

families work's over sir

want to go home
it's the end of the

world is this because
lunch is late

oh come on i'm working
my ass off down

there

stop it how oh come
on calm down guys

why have we gotta be like this

Where's Hans?

he's gone we have to go

i'm sorry carl we've
all suffered quite

a huge loss today

i mean i'm pretty sure
i saw my favorite

pen in hansa's hot
pocket which i lent

him last week

so i think i'm gonna
be getting that

pack

shut you fat fucking idiot

i'm gonna help him no

jesus

well that wasn't very
good that wasn't

very good at all

on a completely
unrelated note i know

this is probably bad
timing but it's

anyone else quite

hungry

oh

oh my god bloody zombies i knew

sir you're on my
desk oh well in that

case

okay team it appears
we're in a bit of a

pickle

my brother just died
and you're calling

this a pickle

mike do you like
pickles i do but

this you know this is
this is quite this

is a bad situation

as i was saying a bit

of a pickle in this trying time

we must be brave we
must be vigilant

we need a leader

someone who we can
look up to someone

who will not be scared

and will not shy
away from any test

in troubling times
such as these we must

unite oh sir um

will you lead us
then what no i can't

do it i've got a
bloody business to run

what

well how can i be the
new co-presenter

if i'm already the

fucking president co-presenter

sir we're in crisis
yes michael crisis

we're a presenter down but

what about the zombies
shut up jason and

get that ham off your face

you know what i'm
about to say merkel

your prime time lad

but i'm not going to
let you do it alone

michael i'm going
to be auditioning

every interested
candidate to be this

beautiful man's co-presenter

line up outside my
office pronto what

does pronto mean

i'm gonna get you mike wait

what oh nothing

nothing okay

christ's alive he's
nuts is he for real

yeah who doesn't know
what pronto means

hang on no i don't
mean simon i mean

charles

oh yes yeah definitely

i should audition
though shouldn't i i

should shouldn't i

yeah i should shouldn't i yeah

all right i'm gonna
go and put in my

radio voice

radio voice radio voice

okay kid's got so much heart

who are you talking to now jason

make sure you make notes on the

candidates there will be a test

[Laughter]

stop lollygagging
and send the first

candidate in

yes sir i am

radio no you're not

leave jason call security

hello

michael what are
you doing in here

you're already in the show

oh no no mike's my
twin brother i'm uh

mark oh that's just
stupid who the fuck

wrote that come on

jason i'm getting so
sick of this have

we got no one

good uh well what
about all right

i'm pretty bored of
what i do now so i

thought i'd give this a go

i'm eric i work in
it i've never seen

this man before in my life

okay i see you're
bored i know exactly

what you need

you need someone
who is charismatic

knows the music industry

you need someone with balls

and i've got balls

no please don't
please don't do it

if you reach out

so i feel like my my
kind of involvement

in this company

after working here
for 12 long fucking

years

um that i would
really be suited for

this new position of a

fucking radio presenter
um and you know

i

i i know this company
inside now like

your mum's vagina

and um i think you
should fucking stop

that

cunt hello sir

hello sam what's
your name my name is

charles

jason sideline

this atrocity of a
human being is also

called charles did
you know we hired

this man

actually no don't
answer that i'm sick

of you being so
shoddy at your job

what have you even
been writing this

whole time show me your notes

jason please go

be more productive
somewhere else and

take this fucking imposter

with you

oh so you nervous

me oh no no this is legacy

and besides i'm going
up against a bunch

of fucking

rejects and a caterer
the biggest of

them all

you raise a good
point so you don't

think i'll get it

no i think a fucking
performing monkey

has a better chance
of getting a job in

radio than you

go back to the
kitchen hawaii five

fucking 0

and let the real
talent do their job

yeah

well i do like food
and yeah well the

radio voice kind of

yeah that's my throat yeah yeah

all right don't fuck off

okay so we need to get some food

everybody take a set
of desks and find

what you can

just so you know we're
not happy about

giving up our food

so we have off-brand
brown flakes two

ready meals

packet of polos um
sorry not quite a

packet of polos the
director's bananas

frozen vegetables um

oh g-strings okay so
the water's still

running there's no
problem there but

even with all this
food it's only gonna

last us

about half an hour so that any

volunteers go down
to the kitchen get

some more well i know
the layout pretty

well and i know all
the best things to

get so maybe

i should go okay but
it's probably best

if you take someone with you

can i help maybe not
you simon you know

with your arm

how did you do that by the way

um I

I fell

yeah anyone oh

maybe I should go but
it's way too scary

I don't know

it's dark i can finally
prove myself to

Mr. H

uh I mean Mr. Haverford

I'’ll go

oh um we're sending
those two out

there's nothing wrong
with that okay

cool

the lights are all
off probably best to

save power

so Elvis where's the
food where's the

delicious food

you're doing a bit
no i was just trying

to make conversation

huh weird it's just you're here

so Jason you got a
wife oh gosh no I

was never really the
marriage type you

know my mom's never
really taught me

the art of seduction
and all that stuff

oh

okay what about you

oh well there was this one girl

um but we fell out
before all of this

started oh

well what happened
between you she said

i reminded her

of her dad charles

she said i'd like it ah

stay strong you know
be positive all

that stuff you know
to play more fish in

the sea

yeah you're you're
all right all right

i'm gonna go and see
if i can go and

open the blind get
some light in here

hey elvis what's with this dog

oh i just died yeah you did

wait what are we
gonna do about that

i don't think it's
in our best interest

i don't think it's
in anyone's best

interest to go and

stab a bunch of zombies
someone's got to

be the hero

no no no elvis no
elves don't elvis i

could be the hero

how about instead we

box this up completely
and don't tell

anyone about anything

agreed food hmm

what the hell i think
there's noise in

here

hello hello

how are you oh good
thanks i mean given

the circumstances i
almost just died but

you know

how are you guys wait
hang on a minute

what are you doing here

we've done so much food

and pasta and bread everything

shut up elvis do
continue i understand

you've been looking for food

i went to

ah yeah so we found so much food

as boxes of bread and
pasta and rice and

there's all sorts
of crisps and all

sorts of all kinds of

food um this is a
little bit rude sir um

Can I get you anything oh
can I get you anything?

um excuse me um

how would you like to be the new

co-presenter

oh it's funny you
should mention that

actually good because
you're on in ten

jason get in the
brief sheet yes sir

what was that

last thing you said

oh um yeah i think
there's some refugees

hanging on the basement what

so that's probably
something that you

should deal with in the next

shit mike

i got the job

well that's that's
great news elvis

congratulations man

yeah i'm really excited
to get started

so what i'm thinking

is uh celebratory drinks
at the lion tonight?

jason could you
come in here please

Urh sir

Bloody Hell Jason

okay jason who are these people

fans admirers of the
show admirers of

me well we're not fans and we're

certainly not admirers

i think we're more
like protesters

because your radio
station's a fucking

joke

oh i see so you're

spies i knew you were
spies who do you

work for who sent
you was it that

bastard mark from
101.5 i knew it was

him who sent you tell me

okay i think it's time
you guys need now

come on

sorry about that guys
he's under a lot

of stress

the kraken we're not
bad people we just

got stuck in the
wrong place at the

wrong time

it's fine it's kind
of the same way i

got my job so

i want to give you
a tour around the

place

okay so before we
begin are you sure

you're not nervous

oh no no no i was
born to do radio

my mum always told me
i had the face for

it

so we're going to
talk about this song

first so

you just take the
back seat this time

let me

do my thing listen to
what i have to say

then maybe you can
have a go after the

next one okay

yeah sure got it boss

no don't touch that
okay it's coming up

okay and that was a
single bullet theory

with

lies i'm your host
mike michaels i'm

your other host

elvis preston but
you can call me the

big ep now today
on the show we're

talking about entertainment

now mike what do you
like to do on the

weekend

elvis what are you
doing oh okay i'll

explain

um big ep because i'm
quite a big fellow

and my name is elvis
no no i mean you're

supposed to listen to me

but i'm just you know
seasoning the pan

a little bit you know

this isn't a steak
the show doesn't get

better if you season it

okay

anyway I really
like to go bowling

okay so we have
albert ben corey dan

edith frank

graham how isaac j cole

lucy maria nigel olivia patricia

quincy rachel sam trevor ursula

victor william xavier
yasmin okay we get

it

and zach that's fine
no one likes zach

anyway

okay right well i'm
adam and these are

no

no this is just the
main office come on

the tour continues let's go

sir i need to talk about elf

hello michael what's
what's going on in

here

nothing i'm just fine okay

well i wanted to talk
to you about elvis

quickly

michael i've got a
lot on my plate at

the moment

quite stressed out
having what the kids

might call a

mental breakdown so uh

i think i'm going
to call it an early

night okay

that was strange
you're the only one

that understands
missing your stuffing

so here's the it
crew they handle all

the technical doodads

keep the station
running smoothly let's

take a peek

oh my god

oh hi we're IT if
you've got any issues

with the computers
just let us know

sorry is there time
for a bathroom break

on this tour

mister call me jason
mr was my mother's

names

anyway toilets all in due course

so this is the men's
bathroom not very

nice don't really like it

and this is the
utopian beauty of the

Ladies room

oh

too many bubbles is
that a man's voice

out there

is everyone here
completely insane

oh my god Karl you scared me

how are you doing today um

i'm okay okay i guess
i mean there was

one thing weighing
down on me but

you're feeling down
try tell that to the

guy whose brother just died

okay then well basically
um you know i'm

over the moon that
mr hatherford has

given me this
opportunity to be on

primetime radio

but you know the thing
is i feel like i

feel like elvis is

overshadowing me a bit maybe

maybe you should kill him

i killed that kid oh okay um

i'm i'm not quite
following though

if i wanted to be
in the limelight

here's

here's what i would do

okay well i think i
think i'm just gonna

i think i'm gonna
disappear now but

you you will disappear
what nothing

nothing

hey you are sir i
have your drink my

mother and me were
abandoned by my

father when i was a boy

there sir tell the
refugees they can

stay

okay yeah the pain

hey

hold on there not now
jeanette i need to

go and talk to elvis

you don't look like
you're in a talking

mood to me i don't
have time for this

you never have time
you never had time

for me there was always
something bigger

that i was getting in the way of

when are you going
to take a step back

and start looking at
the bigger picture

there are people
literally eating each

other outside and
you're worried about

this

seriously is this
really how you felt

i had no idea yes

you were on your ass
before i got you

this job and even then
i would still get

in the way of something
more important

we're all in the same
boat right now you

need to make the
best out of a bad

situation

what huh what were you
even listening to

what i was even saying

oh no no but while you're saying

whatever that was

i had a great idea
i should just make

the best of a bad situation

i shouldn't be so
hard on elvis and i

should worry less

bigger picture jeanette

look i know i may have
stolen the show a

little bit yesterday

but i love throwing
myself into things

and i love being an

entertainer but today
i'm just going to

listen

tell me more about bowling

well the alley i visit
it's amazing they

have these

two for one slush
puppies that are to

die for

you are going to love
them we should go

today

bowling

so that's 10 facts
about grizzly bears

that if you don't
know could kill

you i'm double m and
i'm the big ep and

this is esrock radio

signing off good show today mike

i really think we're
getting better at

this talk show thing anyway

word around the office
is that there's a

party tonight

you know to welcome
the newcomers well i

guess i

really don't have a
choice who did you

hear this from anyway
i'm pretty sure

you've been in here
with me all day

hello magnum hello creepy

shadow dude are you
going to the party

to welcome the newcomers

yeah i guess i am
let's hope nothing

gets slipped into your drink

[Laughter]

how much time does
that guy spend in the

bathroom huh

never mind i guess
i'll see you tonight

though yes

we've got plenty of
booze down in the

pantry it's gonna get

crazy explain to me again

jason why are we
throwing a party morale

the staff need a
morale boost makes

sense

and to welcome the
newcomers yes yes whatever

jason just make sure to lock the

photocopy room when
you're done don't

want any more
backsides on my desk

oh yes sir i'll get
to decorating yes

yes down in the break room

keep it out of my way

that's i don't know
what that means

the break room

the one with the
zombies next door

have it somewhere
else i can't go

against mr haverford

i'm not really seeing
the issue here

jason didn't i tell
you to have this

little

shindig in the break room no

well okay mr hatterford

thank you so much for
allowing us to say

in the safety of your station

i promise you we
won't be any trouble

jason what are these
spies doing here

i know sir we've
already done that yeah

okay enjoy your stay

now let's party

okay so it's called
never have i ever

played it before
how's it going so

basically uh you start by saying

never have i ever uh
done something it

could be like either tame or

absolutely ridiculous
it's just got to

be something you've
never done before

okay never have i ever

had sex with a donkey
whoa well no no no

you've got to try and like catch

somebody out

nobody's going to drink to that

what damn it

like i really wanted
to talk to you

tonight i would love
to have a chat with

you but i'm kind of
all finished so um

you know i'll uh i'm
gonna go fill up

do you uh could you
get me okay okay me

me me no it's me
next my turn really

good

really good one
never have i ever

never have i ever been to prison

well what's all this
there now jolly old

drinking game

we're just playing
a game of never

however so well

go on then i'm over
the hill not under it

go ahead what was the
question uh okay

okay

never have i ever been to prison

you know what where
are those guys from

IT oh those guys are

fucking riot

come on

elvis buddy how's it going mike

recording room now bring booze

never have i ever

killed a man with anything but

my bare hands

hey what do these
buttons do what i

don't know

i don't work here yeah

at s rock radio

hey we got a really
special show today

don't we mike

i think so i brought
a friend along

for the for the show
elvis brought his

friend

oh no no it's fine
they're not gonna get

us

they're not gonna get
us it's okay hello

i'm mr angry eyebrows
he's winking at me

for gooey hello i'm mrs

big eye

what the bloody hell
were you boys doing

there

were you too drunk
are you too drunk

shut up we'll talk
about this in the

morning when you
boys are more sober

oh gosh oh no um
what's wrong with him

it's okay we've got
the bin it's fine

it's fine all right

what what why why

oh my goodness oh no

mike do you think
we're gonna get fired

no no no they can't replace us

we're the best you're the best

no you're the best

stop it stop it i
like working on the

radio

i wonder what
tomorrow will bring i

don't care as long
as i get to spend it

with you

i know one thing
we're going to do

tomorrow

what's that we're
going to go to a shop

i'm going to buy a
wine shop just like

this one

that sounds nice that
sounds really nice

there's only four of
you and one of me

you're outnumbered

what is it sir

what is it sir why are
you out of breath

i i ran here from where

just front of the office

i don't do well before
breakfast can one

of you go and fetch jason for me

well can't you do it i mean

we've got a plan for
today's show aren't

we i'm going to be
honest with you

michael

my trouser situation
is somewhat limited

in that

i'm not wearing any

no trousers jason gather

everyone gather
everyone important and

get them to the meeting room

whilst you're at it
get my trousers i

think they're in
the photocopy room

come on there guys
come on the dynamic

duo

come on how mr hamilton

and last one jason

everybody i have

dreadful news has
someone else died you

found the bodies

i literally don't care
are there zombies

in the building am i
being fired have we

run out of ham

no to all those things
except maybe the

jason one

i have terrible
terrible news has

someone stop

it today's show is

cancelled moving on so

recently our ratings
have plummeted

we need some new ideas
to spice the pan

and until we've got a brilliant

breakthrough that will
make this company

millions we're not

leaving this room
what about lunch and

what about bathroom breaks

eat paper piss
yourself i don't care

people i want ideas

okay so i've been
sitting on this one

for a while

so i think we need to

interact with our
listeners more you

know so i thought

maybe we could introduce
a q a section

to the show

you know where fans
just call it michael

i hate to stop you of all

people in the middle
of a sentence but

how much writing
is on that paper

um that's it

i've got it well
boy don't keep it

locked up tell us

characters what

characters what like
ace ventura pet

detective

wait wait elvis

you can't just say
the word again you

have to explain

what you mean well
i can do voices

lots of accents etc
maybe we could put

some of those in the show

i know i'm going to
regret asking this

but

can you give us some
examples um yeah

hello i am bjorn ironfood

and this is s-rock radio

yeah elvis i'm not
going to lie to you

but i

fucking love that idea
you mean you love

it

no no i loathe it you mean love

loathe i'm hearing
love i'm not saying

love i'm saying low
are you saying you

love it

no love you love the idea yes

no hello

eight he hates e yes you love it

okay obviously let's
skip forward here i

fucking hate that idea

oh well what about
jason get out but so

sorry force of habit
elvis get out

okay nobody tell him
but that idea is

fucking golden

how'd it go fellow
swedes my name is

bjorn enfort and
today we are talking

about swedish meatballs and ikea

you know the characters
i did didn't

really work uh

jurassic Drew 20
tweeted saying be

online for

more like kill yourself
any other ideas

what about no anyone
else what about

murder sorry a game
show wait what did

you say first

he said a game show
michael weren't you

listening

so how's this game
show gonna work see

look

i've got the clip on my laptop

we're going to have
some fun tonight

that was uh that shit

i think we can all
agree that was bloody

horrifying and won't
be used in our show

that isn't the bathroom
to this building

how long have you had that

okay that's enough
more ideas people

come on

what about anyone else

how i still don't
care what why is this

happening

how what is it that
you do around here

he's our field reporter

one of the best damn
journalists we've

got around this place

it's okay hal you got
me ideas you just

yell them out

don't stress yourself
though yeah i

wasn't going to anyways

what boring thing
to report about

fields i've got it wow

this will be good
radio dramas they're

always popular

wait hang on in what
universe are radio

dramas popular

thanks mai but
probably best to leave

this to the professionals
you know the

ones who didn't get
the job because

their predecessor died

carl where are you
going oh uh i thought

with the whole

predecessors thing
you know jerry news

jerry

bit awkward but jerry didn't die

he moved to australia
oh yeah of course

he did

anyway back to my
idea radio dramas oh

right well i'm sorry
i just didn't

realize that our
audience were 900

fucking years old

i'm intrigued

so after my original
broadcast it got a

lot of attention

both good and bad

he's over there
get him not today

partner he's over there fire

Engage

well that was messy

But in short the only
broadcasting radio

Anyone?

literally any idea

at all what about no anything

Charles listen

what did you just
say to me sir i'm

i'm sorry for raising
my voice but i'm a

little tired of you
not letting me

voice my opinions
okay i'll humor you

let's hear your bright idea does

everyone want to
hear jason's bright

idea

okay we're all listening
okay well i've

compiled a list of

well off the top of my head

inspirational quotes
this will be good

such as oh i've got a good one

always be your best you

um the only ship that won't sink

is friendship nope stupid

for god's sake let's
just go with mike's

idea we'll get people
to do q a at home

it's that simple how

that is brilliant i
can always rely on

you

right so first we're
gonna do a test

call to see if everything's okay

yep okay

did she just say testicle

just shh okay

oh a caller it's
jeanette oh yeah right

the testicle

yes the testicle hello caller

hello do you give
advice on your show

mike uh

sure okay so i'm
having some troubles

with an ex

and i want to talk
to him and bury the

hatchet as it were

and he just avoids me
at all costs worst

part is we work together

and he won't listen
to me well that is a

tricky one

that's not ideal at
all perhaps some

soothing music will
help i don't think

so

i think i just need
to talk to him i'm

so sorry caller

but we only have a
certain amount of

time for every call
so i'm gonna have to

i'm gonna have to cut
you off there yeah

i'm sorry wait
mike don't hang up

i miss you

that was awkward

wow that was good
how are you always

such a hit with the ladies

oh my god we actually
have a caller oh

shit oh shit oh shit

come on mike we've
done it before

naturals

hello hello oh shit please

sushi come on you
must be a seafood man

mike

elvis please if there's
somebody there

hello

yeah yeah we're
here thank the lord

where are you

who are you with who
are you with no one

i'm alone and there's
people chasing

after me

okay well i'm elvis
and this is my best

buddy in the entire world

and his name is mikey
no it isn't yes it

is

and we are hosts of
the popular radio

station

s rock you must have heard of us

that's not surprising
why did you call

then

because i'm stranded
and there are

people chasing oh shit

hello hello

maybe he got shy i
get shy sometimes

like when i have to
call for pizza or

when i have to call
the doctors for my

pizza addiction

what we gonna do he
seemed like he was

in some real danger
you can start

with both of you getting to mr

haliford's office

boys let's get down to business

i forgot to put on a
belt this morning

rookie mistake

enough of this nonsense

had this bloody itch
for about an hour

so your belt

stop it that really hurt michael

i don't know what
you're laughing about

it's my show now no

hey mr h

it's not loaded sir
you were gonna shoot

me

useless shit

that show was awful
i thought when you

said outside callers it would be

fun it is fun yeah
just give us one more

chance

okay one more

hello

and who the fuck are
you three rude we

live here

yeah we're the
protesters we've been

kind of hanging out
in your pantry well

that's a shitty name
for a cover band

we were protesting
in station when the

things just say

zombies when those
zombies started

attacking

we're not happy to
be here but safe is

safe so you guys

aren't big fans of
the station though

hence why we're protesting

yeah well some recent
events here have

made my life a bit

frustrating as well
so okay so why are

you telling us this

well cause i have a plan

so how's barbados
oh good good you

looked hand

oh how's mike how's the kids

we never had kids
anyway how's things

yeah great good i kind
of wanted to talk

to you about something actually

you know girl girl
talk yep i am hr

just tell me about
your problems pour it

out girl uh it's kind
of about the party

you know from last
night no not really

well it got me into
a little bit of a

sexual predicament so
you banged someone

so what i've been there

just pop a coupler and
uh you'll be fine

anyway i'm just gonna
go somewhere just

got a meeting carl

maybe you could help i am

so disinterested in
what you're about to

say right now i

just don't bother
just don't bother

don't screw this one up yet

hello caller where
the fuck have you

been

oh gosh not this guy
again no he can

hear you you're
supposed to cover the

mic

not me the microphone

hello what's going
on there oh sorry

caller

may we call you caller it's john

actually

oh sorry caller we
were just being told

off by our boy

we were just on a coffee break

bickering

game yes game call it
john how would you

like to win a fresh uh

blockbuster voucher

to to rent one of

five films for a whole day

what blockbuster has
been close but i'm

about to die

just answered this
simple question

caller john how

are whisks

constructed yes how are whisks

constructed

john whisks is it

babies b

magic or

c

wagic well first of all
wagic isn'’t even a

and secondly

why the fuck are
you helping me i'm

afraid that's not
the answer we're

looking for jonathan
no it isn't such a

shame you two are fucking morons

no need to get cranky
yeah just because

you lost yeah john

john what kind of
name is john anyways

john gianna

oh i'm john i'm a
businessman oh john

i'm a ponce

he's gone dead

boys boys boys my

boys boys boys and boys

you really liked it sir elvis i

really really did
well thank god for

that what

that show was nothing short of

excellent sir jeanette
i really don't

see why you felt the
need to report this

to me

what

oh and boys the answer was c

wagic nailed it

oh god

oh maria there you
are freddie is a

friend right now oh

no i'm just i'm going
to take a minute

fuck all right go on then

the whole divorce
thing going on i'm

just so emotional right now

and the show starts
turning to shit and

i'm the only
professional one around

here

that's not bad enough
already the world

is being overtaken
by brainless fucking

morons

men no i meant the
zombies out there oh

no right yeah and
i'm with you now

although now you
mentioned that they are

quite similar aren't they

yeah i mean they
both walk around

aimlessly with no
purpose they both

constantly moan
about anything and

everything

right and they both
smell like shit

oh hello

i don't mind mean
ladies nature calls

oh gosh where are my
man manners i'm calm

fuck lita coleta

mr haverford hired
me to run recon on

for the company silly
me um maria you

said something about a meeting

carl must really be
going through some

stuff that was carl

i don't understand
why we're still here

well we're here

charlie because
we're safe from the

outside environments

besides taking them
and down from the

inside well i think it's a

stupid plan i certainly
don't feel safe

here and that coal
guy definitely has

something wrong with him

hey i'm in charge here
who died and made

you in charge hey
you'll be dead in a

minute adam jokes
thought that aren't

funny anymore

would you stop arguing
well i don't have

to stay here and
take this anymore

what door's that way then

we should put him
out of his misery

we did really well
today elvis yeah

thanks em dude that's just

no

there are zombies
in the building

i know this is a big
issue and we'll

deal with it real
soon but mike oh

please stop asking
me out on dates

brunch

adam haley i'm sorry
for your loss but

unfortunately we have
very little time

to mourn uh stop it

because we have a
very pressing matter

shouldn't charles
be here you know

considering he's like

the boss oh um charles

is a little busy

please stop worrying
about it michael

i've got jason on hold with the

exterminators now

jason what song are
they playing i uh

i don't really recognize
it sir i don't

really know it

well hamm it okay uh it's going

something like

something like that
which led us to here

mike you are a terrible
storyteller oh

okay

wake up please oh god sorry

look guys i know
we're all tired but

there are zombies in
the building and we

need to unite

and find a way to

find a way to get
rid of them so does

anyone have

any ideas on how we
can solve this issue

oh oh okay elvis go

maybe we should ask
the texts they seem

like they'd be good at

killing things

text killers i could
drop those nerds in

a second

elvis do you want
to go and grab him

okay what now oh

fine i will go as i
seem to be the only

stable one around here

seriously you um

yeah what about
that time that you

screamed obscenities
at a five pound

note because the
queen looked at you

funny

jeanette please how
about when you cried

at march of the penguins

hey come on that
film is an emotional

roller coaster

they're birds that
want to be fish see

my point

none of us here are
entirely stable

given the circumstances

whatever someone needs to go and

everyone here is
currently driving me

insane

hey guys i know it's
late but see we've

got a bit of an issue
one of the pro

there must be
something i can do to

destroy these

bastards

hi carl what

what do you want you consider

us friends right no okay

well i consider you
a friend friend

excellent

i don't care right
well i've been

thinking about the
zombie issue for a

few days now and

i think it's a simple fix what

we only found out
about the zombies a

few hours ago well
jason and i knew

about them since we
went to get food

from the pantry and
you didn't tell

anyone

we were frightened
well that elvis

gives me an idea why
don't you come join

the meeting then

i'd rather not i need to

plan something

okay see you later then

oh my god

mike but buddy you okay

the text this there's something

there's something wrong
with them i told

you

sorry

oh my god mike
just pull yourself

together

and everyone else
working together to

come up with a
collective solution to

solve the problem is
the only way we're

going to survive

well we need something
that's you know

like

long and thin and
stabby that we can

just

we can just them with
you know such as

well what about this
thing oh there's no

what what about fire

that does not sound
safe well we get one

of the food boxes

we fill it with paper and other

flammable stuff and we just

throw it into the
kitchen that's great a

great way to burn down
the whole station

elvis you're really
more of a doer than

a thinker

thanks well i don't
see you coming up

with any more ideas jeanette

i don't know there's
another way into

the lobby maybe someone
could bait them

outside

that is crazy plus
who's gonna go for

that

really that's pretty
damn racist guys oh

no we didn't mean
oh we were just

looking that way

it was really just a
coincidence oh good

because you know
what happens to all

those black guys in
the horror movies i

wouldn't last a second

okay well it's still
a terrible idea

we're not putting one
of our own at risk

you know i'm still
thinking my weapon

idea is golden weapons

does anyone have a
gun if i had a gun

i'll use it on all of you

we need to just think of all the

possibilities don't we

i'm going to go to
the bathroom because

that's where i get
some of my best

thinking done

and by the time i get
back i want to see

some ideas

okay

i'm still with fire

this won't do

shit empty you've had
a gun this whole

time

but that's not really
what's important

at the moment it's

empty so are you
here to make more of

your weird comments Karl

no michael i just
thought you might want

to know something
about your little

friend elvis

okay so it turns out
he knew about this

zombie dilemma since
the very start hey

what

hang on no elvis
wouldn't do that why

don't you

talk to him and find
out yourself okay

carl you know you're
a dick right yeah

just stop hanging
out in the men's

bathroom because it's

it's really creeping people out

mike we're sorting it
oh really i didn't

expect that so soon
what's the plan then

just gonna leave them
leave the zombies

the bloodthirsty
man-eaters yeah like

you said it's not so
much but one of our

own at risk

and it's not an
immediate problem i

assume zombies have to eat

so eventually they'll
either clear off

or starve

that actually makes sense

have you you've seen
elvis hey buddy

what's up

did you know about
the zombies in the

kitchen beforehand oh

yeah oh elvis what
the hell what do you

mean what the hell
you knew about the

human eating monsters

in our building and
you didn't think to

tell anyone

didn't think it was
that important how

how could you possibly think

that it's not that
important they could

literally devour us in seconds

and you didn't think
it was important

elvis you put

everyone at risk and
i know sometimes

you can be stupid

but this this is something else

mike why why are you
being like this

because elvis

this was just idiotic

i'm so angry with you

i'm livid come on
buddy how about i buy

you dinner tonight

make it up to you

in the early hours
of this morning

i received a disturbing email

attached was a sickening
image which i

can

only assume has been
passed around the

office to humiliate

i don't want to out
the person but what

i will say is that
it was of the naked

variety

but our leader of
hr maria stop it

and i will be leading a full

investigation and seminar

into finding out who
the scoundrel was

that did it

oh i thought charles
was going to be

here for the interviews too

yeah charles didn't
really work out oh

so it's just me
friendly maria from hr

i sent charles to
do the seminars is

that a good idea
jeanette told me she

slept with someone
at that party and

it's my job to find
the sick guy who

sent that picture of her what

yes and since you're
her husband well

technically

ex-husband not what
i've got written

down i think

there's been some
crossed wires anyway

since you're her
ex-husband you are

prime suspect

um why would i
want to sleep with

janette i mean we're
not even together

anymore

and between you and
i everything's

confidential

mike she's a bitch crikey

okay anyway you can
ask elvis we were

together that night

mike mentioned me yes did he

seem happy we just
answered the question

elvis

oh yeah we were
together that night

we cuddled we did
not cuddle okay

mike look we know we
went through a bit

of a rough patch

but best friends
always make it through

these kinds of
things just leave me

alone elvis

mike was what i did
really that bad you

neglected to tell us that

zombies had flooded the building

we're still in the
same position as we

were in before

i'm not talking to
elvis i don't i don't

want to hear your voice

we have our show to
do in 10 minutes but

then

i'm not talking to you

hello um eric

eric yes eric, Eric from

from eric from it

are the worst hr manager yeah

uh so where were you
the night of the

party oh um

simon andrew and i
we were having a

blast look i don't
know about anything

you're asking me

but while you're here
you've got to help

me eric

and andrew are
psychopaths they've been

experimenting with me

in that room got that room

yeah um simon makes
a lot of stuff up

i think he's got chronic
lois disease or

something but you
don't know anything

about the email

um no right

can i get back to
work now wait can't

you just check the email service

holy should i tell you i'm fine

don't worry they're
just acting out

macbeth i'll get to
checking the emails

now

promise me you're not
going to yell at

me during this no

no just be quiet i
want to listen to the

music

how how did you find
out about the thing

carl told me

not that it's important
okay and that

song was punk rocker for a day

by single bullet
theory here at s rock

radio we like to
bring you the best

tunes and the best chats

live throughout the
day here at s rock

radio we are a pretty

tight community i
wouldn't say the

people working here with me

are my colleagues i
would say that they

are my friends

yes but i don't see
how that's relevant

you know i feel like
it's it's really

important for the
fans to get a real

feel of what's going
on around here you

know

stimulate all the
senses okay fine yes

we here at srock
radio are a close

community

with a few minor
exceptions mike i

really don't want to
go into this right

now i think we should

anyway listeners here
are some adverts

but we'll be right back with you

very shortly elvis
what the hell was

that

mike i just want to
be friends again

it's nice having someone
to come to with

all your problems

don't you agree yes i
agree but not when

that person does
nothing for you in

return

i don't understand elvis just go

i i'd rather you
weren't here right now

fine

i'll go and make
friends with someone

else

safety in the workplace by me

your leader and
dreamweaver charles

r haverford

safe what does it stand for

s feeling

a safe

f in your e

professional work
environment um that

doesn't seem like it holds up

please

in this three-hour
seminar i will

explain

why you are wrong
and i am right okay

i'm going to need
to speak to jason

next i really don't think it's

jason talk to me next
you know anything

to get me out of

this shit well

fuck this i'm going
bye you wanted to

get this over pretty
sharpish anything

you want to say

yeah okay what

good one you know
we take things like

this pretty seriously carl

um isn't that a half
empty bottle of

wine

by your feet you know
right right there

carl just confessed
you got the most

reasons to do this

michael already gave
a convincing alibi

which was he

said i was with elvis
and jeanette is a

bitch

yeah true and anyway
what better way to

get back at mike

than to sleep with
his ex-wife again

true

so you're gonna confess
and that's why

i got decommissioned from naam

any questions no

no questions till the end

so we found the culprit
and i warn you

this will not be taken lightly

we all know that
the picture was of

jeanette's what

shh sherlock's doing her work

but sherlock's a man
zing shut the fuck

up

anyway the uh picture
was of jeanette so

really there is only
a handful of people

it could be

a handful of people
that were stooped so

low as to sleep with her

hey i mean who could
get someone like

you sister

not better my prime
suspects were mike

and

carl and mike's
alibi was airtight

he said you were a
bitch hey you said

that was confidential
you actually said

that

maria yeah i just
slipped out i'm such a

gossip

wait so who was it
it was carl i said

that

so at the end of
the day it was all

elementary my dear what please

please stop that hang
on carl you slept

with my ex-wife

wife technically not
important also it

wasn't carl

and mike did you
seriously call me a

bitch he's got a point and

of course it was you
were just too drunk

to remember oh so you
raped my ex-wife

that makes things so much better

everybody shut up

it was me you slept
with jeanette no no

it was me

it was jason oh fuck

we were very drunk
at the party and and

it's not a regular
thing and and mike

i'm really sorry

and you sent her picture i am so

confused oh

no now it makes sense

the picture wasn't
of jeanette it was

jason

okay now is the time

any questions

i think we found
ourselves a new own

boys

the building looks
secure from here

with these weapons
we'll siege it in no

time

uh boss i think my gun
is jammed did you

leave the safety on

yeah i think i have done more on

right we'll rest here
tonight and take

the station

tomorrow at dawn
but wouldn't it be

easier to just sneak
in during the night

we've been watching
too many movies

kiddo we need our strength

we rest and eat
tonight we make our

attack tomorrow

make sure you don't
leave any ammo lying

around you don't
think it's going to

take that much
firepower to overthrow

them do your boss
yeah we've seen their

show

they don't seem all
that smart never

underestimate

these goons are just
the faces of the

company i bet whoever's
running it's a

bloody lunatic come
on jason jason come

us you on fucking idiot bye

oh no no i demand a
rematch oh we won

fair and square now give us the

cheesecake heatherford

you sh you donkey nugget sucking

*Rambling continues*

stop bleeping me

wow guys now that was
something special

look i'm trying to
make some new friends

uh and i know you
used to be a trio

until the other guy

horrifically died

excuse me sir um how do you keep

changing

suits out of my way
michael i'm sulking

why shut up sorry old boy just

a little tied down
at the moment got

pressing matters at
hand like the fact

that i've got a
useless wheelie chair

race partner

um with all due
respect sir there are

still

zombies in the building
that do need to

be dealt with ah yes

the insects scuttling
around the place

like they pay

rent i put my heart
and soul into this

company michael

and nobody around here takes it

seriously

what the hell was that
probably the wind

or a

bug or something i
don't care anymore

i'll get a grip

i beg y'all are you
gonna stop whining

like a little shit
and finally admit

that the world is fucked

the rest of us have
come on we need to

start actually acting
like we want to

survive

and we can start
by investigating

whatever the hell that noise was

okay fine if it'll humor you

shit it's actually
quite nice in here

i don't know it could
do with a bit of a

hoover shut up

so where do we start
boss you boys

better stick together
we don't want this

one getting in trouble

or doing the fucking housework

right boys off you go

if you find anything
radio me i'm gonna

see if i can take him
down from the top

come on see michael

i told you it was nothing fine

but you know you
can never be too

careful considering
the circumstances

well whatever what
if any cocky bastard

tried to sabotage

my radio station
such as mark from

101.5

i'd give him the old do-over

with this beauty oh my god wait

that's not another
stapler is it you

tell me

jesus christ beautiful isn't she

mortal back from now oh sheila

wait so you're telling
me that you've

had firearms in this office

the entire time we
could have been

defending ourselves
we could have

prevented multiple

casualties please
michael don't ever

react

you don't need
firearms to solve a

rodent problem oh

stop it they are flesh

eating monsters they
will kill you in

seconds if they get the chance

how many guns do you
have in there lots

lots

what does lots mean
i mean i've got a

fucking armory in this draw

so mike's told us
that you have weapons

oh i didn't know you're carrying

concealed weapons sir

i have more than one
they're different

sizes and colors

too we start with sheila a pg-13

an h2o a stabby stabby a wd-40

an e45 a hitty hitty stick

another stabby stabby an orb

mr and mrs h oh

and this

oh we each get a gun

that way if intruders
try to storm the

station we have

maximum protection oh okay

oh oh you idiot

i'm not mad jason i'm just

disappointed oh thank god okay

no now i'm mad just
take your weapons

and bagger off out of my office

i've never held a
gun before it's

heavier than i thought

jesus jason

we've got one in pink no no

pink oh compensating
for something

jason is now the
time really to be

making penis jokes

no i was talking about
your arms skinny

arms

he is right there you
are unbelievably

skinny

wait where's the ammo

the ammo

great no guns then

oh shit who were
they mark from 101.5

I knew it

right everyone quietly quietly

follow me out of the office

hey boss they're over there

fire at them boys

boss roma's move

come on quick hurry
get inside go

quicker

go

well that was close
mike i just wanna no

elvis don't

i'm sorry for getting
so angry i know

you're scared

we all are i hope you
can forgive me for

getting so mad

boys wait where did
you go i'm losing

faith here

i'm starting to think
this was a bad

idea

shit

he was right behind
us as following well

he's not here now is
he jeanette why do

you think

i'm in charge of
everybody you're the

boss everyone knows you're the

controlling one who
does everything

around here i'm just
the one who funds

this

mickey mouse clubhouse
stop arguing

they're going to hear
us i agree in the

trench

enough about the war
elvis you seem to

be the only person
who's thinking

logically around here

stop making that noise

mike's right we've
got to be quiet

i recognize that whiny
and muffled voice

anywhere

open the door

why do you recognize
it as muffled

probably best not to ask

did you see any people
there i'm pretty

sure that was just zombies

well well if it's only
zombies i'm gonna

re-suggest a jabbing idea

whatever you've got
to do you'd better

do it fast

hello

hello i've been
trying you guys for

hours now

hello

jason you have to
tell us what happened

he's not well michael
can't you see

what if he's been bit
what's a harmless

bug bite going to do

but sir then don't
you're only going to

stress charles out
if you put the idea

of jason

turning into his head
agreed but we do

need to think about
a way out of here

what about this vent

so who's going in there
it's going to be

a tough job it'll
have to be someone

small and slender

guys stop i know what
you're suggesting

someone brave strong

slender I'’ll go

no no no no

michael it'll either
have to be you or

jeanette

for god's sake

can you repeat that
elvis i said no code

names

and why you mighty elephant

elvis elvis you there

you have to say over over

let's tell stories
why to keep the mood

up

what kind of stories
i don't know anyone

got

anything in the
chamber speaking of

chambers in the trenches

uh jeanette how did
your mic meet we met

at bar

and he asked me to dance it's

only a few years ago
actually things

pass so soon it's

weird to think
about oh all right

i hope everyone else
is okay does anyone

know why carl went

you all know why he
didn't get the job

as co-presenter right

no why he cried in the audition

it only been about a
day since he lost

his brother yet the
guy tried for it

yes he's a creepy
fucker hangs around in

bathrooms women's or
men's wears women's

clothes and

let's be honest there's
probably a long

list of reasons why
he's so creepy

but that guy's tougher
than you think

he's been through hell
and he's remained

strong

things are getting
deep in here i think

we need more stories

oh boy i think what
you need to do is

help me

i'm coming to the end
of the event now

mike that event
ends in the kitchen

it's the only place
i've ever seen

another one like it

over i'm sorry i
didn't expect there to

be so many of them

where are you hello

hello

oh shit

oh no

I'’m not sure this
is just a bug bite

i don't think jason's
gonna last much

longer give me that

mike you need to be
quick we need you to

help us

i think jason's dying
and we all know

what happens when someone

you know jeanette
please if i'd wanted

you to rent down the
phone to me i would

have stayed married to you

zing over can you be serious

can you put elvis back on please

mike what's cracker
lacking over yeah

i'm okay but there's

a bit of a problem

is oh right shit yeah sorry

i forgot you can't see
what i can see um

yeah there's a bunch
of zombies in the

kitchen

mike you can do this
you need to find a

way of getting rid of them

kill them heard
them out anything i

believe in you

best friend thanks
man over and out

well we need something
that's you know

like

long and thin and stabby

jason don't fall asleep

stay away from the
light we're gonna

have to do something
about that we're

going to do nothing about it

let the boy die in
peace god knows he's

deserved it

for all the shit
that you've put him

through whilst he's worked here

none of you paid him
even a smidgen of

respect and now look he's gonna

die in a cupboard but sir

don't but sir me

I have all the respect
in the world for

this man and now he's
gonna turn into a

fucking

maniac in my arms

so what is it son i'm fine

no jason you're dying
i think i'll be

okay

what sir i think he's
okay shut up woman

you're no doctor

Jason weren't you bitten?

bitten?

I mean I know i'm a
bit of a drama queen

but you know I only
hit my arm on the

desk

i thought you were
dying we thought

you were dying i uh i
don't do well with

pain

you did it you actually
fucking did it

yeah i did i really
didn't expect that

from

you huh

did you see him

out there no carl but listen

carl let me

no mike i've got this

oh everything seems
all right and the

office is intact too

mike buddy oh god
i hope he's okay

oh i'm glad
everything's okay again

Jason I know we all

said some things in
there oh no sorry

it's okay I I just
want everything to go

back to normal

okay good well in that
case you're fired

oh

Elvis Mike

you did it yeah why'd
you have to do it

in the kitchen though

A caterers kitchen
is his home didn't

really have a
choice though did I

no i guess not should
we go and meet the

others yeah go on then

what's that dunno all
right no no wait

is anybody receiving this

Hello?

This is the official Government

emergency radio

to any and all survivors
help is on the way

yay