Das sündige Bett (1973) - full transcript

(static sizzling)

(soft music)

(upbeat music)

- Well,

I imagine you have
no complaints.

- I guess it wasn't
bad for a quickie,

but sometimes a girl
wants a little romance.

- Oh, now all of a
sudden it's a big deal.

Okay, next time I'll get
a couple a dozen roses

and hire a gypsy orchestra.

- You don't understand.



In the old days a
woman was revered.

There was elegance.

The charmed and witted gentlemen
lured the lady to his bed.

Now it's strip and screw,

and that mattress
has no elegance.

I will not have a handful of
springs up my bottom anymore.

You always take me to
the best restaurants.

Well in sex it's just
as important to get
the best setting.

A bed, a bed you'll see,
it'll work miracles.

(laughing)

- Sure only we put a lot
of miles on this mattress

with pretty good results.

- A beautiful picture
deserves a beautiful frame.

I see myself sinking deep
into a bed of feathers



at the instant of pleasure.

Sailing away on a big cloud.

We get a bed?

- No.
- Then I won't do it anymore.

- Now you listen,
about this bed,

the only people who buy beds
aren't making it too good.

(hums in agreement)

What, you trying to make
me think something's wrong

with the way I ball you?

- I gotta thing about a big bed.

It's crazy I guess, but only
without it I won't do it.

- You mean if I
don't buy you a--

- [Girl] No more fun and games

until we get a
nice big, sexy bed.

- Okay.

- A bed, we're getting a bed.

Come on we're buying a bed.

You'll ball me on a real bed.

(laughing)

A bed.

Wait that's an antique shop.

- Look if we're
going to have a bed,

we'll have a real one
with some character,

not some plastic junk.

- Right.

Hey we'll get a bed with
a long noble history,

and a distinguished mattress.

A bed where
generations of lovers

have had their happiest moments.

Think of it,

we'll all be together
on that marvelous bed.

- [Man] Anybody here?

- Over there.

A bed please.

- We had one, only it fell apart

when we tried a rather
athletic position.

Anyway we've got to
have a bed by tonight.

- It's urgent.

- Just about everybody
who comes in wants a bed.

How'd you like to
buy some glasses?

- Are you outta your mind.

He who sleeps on
glasses sleeps alone.

(laughing)

- The beds are in there.

You can't miss them.

- Thanks.
- Come on.

This place is fantastic.

Like going back in time.

- Let's try over there.

- [Girl] Here is some, oh
they're all single beds.

Who needs that?

- [Boy] Yeah who
wants to sleep alone?

- [Bed] Well a
couple of customers.

Oh, youngsters.

They won't be interested
in an old relic like me.

At my age I'm ready
for the junk pile,

that's what they'll say.

- There's more over there.

I don't see any good ones.

- Neither do I.

- [Girl] Let's take a look.

- [Bed] Generations
of loyal service,

and now, cast aside, forgotten.

Hey you two.

Look me over.

Bounce on me.

Over here.

Look at me.

Solid as a brick house.

I could tell you stories.

And what stories,

of battle and conquest.

Beautiful ladies.

Fallen on my field of honor.

- George look.

Close your eyes.

When you open them
you'll see our bed.

- Where?
- There.

- Oh.
- How about that?

And just look how
big and roomy it is.

- Great yeah I'm happy it
comes up to your expectations.

I hope I can come up
with what it costs.

- A bed like this
needs a real home.

Most new bedrooms are so little.

It isn't easy, you can't fit
a bed like this into a corner.

No you've gotta respect
a bed like this.

Now what do you say?

- How much does it cost?

- 400.

Plus delivery.

- 400, you must be crazy.

For this fugitive
from the city dump?

400 for this relic?

- Oh if you like, we'll get
rid of it for you mister,

and it won't cost you a thing.

- [Girl] Sure is it a deal?

- Sorry, but that's rock bottom.

(playful music)
(laughing)

- Well now we're a trio.

You, me, and the bed.

- Look, everyone's
admiring our bed.

- Hey this is where
it's all happening.

- [Bed] These wonderful
children spent

every cent they had on me.

Ah, that's something
I'll never forget.

Push my friends, push.

Tonight you will
rest as never before.

(laughing)

- Hey wait.

- What are you doing?

- We must launch and christen
our bed just like a ship.

- I don't know what to call it.

Sand man, how's that?

- Oh no, that's silly.

Softly, that's what
I'll christen him.

May you sail out onto oceans
of passion and pleasure,

that pass by the
icebergs of anger.

Don't you ever sail in
waters of indifference.

- And bed no matter how rough,

you mustn't sink
into a storm of sex.

Ship don't give up.

(laughing)

- Hey, let's compare their beds.

Come on.

Come on!
- Yeah okay.

- [Bed] It's certainly true.

Truth is stranger than fiction.

On the very day that I am
rescued from that mausoleum

and set on a new career,

here I am right back
where I started.

Yes that's the store
where I was first sold,

way back in 1908.

Oh those good old days.

Then people had time for living.

Courtship and
conquest were a game,

effected to an art.

- I think it's remarkable.

A Japanese at the Cafe Apollo.

How international
we're becoming.

- Shall we meet tonight?

- No tonight I dine
with my fiance.

- Romance?
- No, business.

Their fortune for my title.

- Marriage is it?

- Not quite yet.

First a financial
arrangement, then we'll see.

Now excuse me I am awaited.

(bell chiming)

I go into battle.

- And you'll be victorious.

- No please don't
make another scene.

Von Verdenfelts is a
very fine gentlemen

from the tip of his
mustache down to his toes.

I'm able to bring a genuine
aristocrat into our family

and what's her
reaction, hopeless.

- Don't be angry
with her Tristan.

- Here is Von Verdenfelts.

- [Lady] Underneath
she's still a clutz.

- He's quite ghastly, if he
kissed me I should faint.

- In that case you'd
better close your eyes

and think of something else.

- Ah there you are,
good day to you sir.

- I had thought you
had already arrived.

- I propose we look
at beds straight away.

Now come along, we
shall pick a bed

that is sure to
guarantee success.

- Oh thank you.

- A truly solemn occasion,

the choosing of a nuptial bed.

- Truly an extraordinary bed.

The quality and the
workmanship attain

a rare degree of perfection.

I think I may say,

it's a piece that any man
would like to possess.

I think, it's the
most beautiful one

that I have ever seen.

You may look high and
low and find no better,

and I would guarantee your
complete satisfaction.

Can one ask more of a bed?

- [Bed] I was young
and inexperienced.

Oh let's be honest,
I was a virgin,

and so was poor Iris.

The thought of that
pompous tin soldier,

Lieutenant Von Verdenfelds
inaugurating us

sent shivers up and
down my springs.

The young salesman seemed an
infinitely better candidate,

and I could tell that
Iris felt the same way.

My slats were a quiver
with anticipation.

Here was one bed that wasn't
going to lie down on the job.

- All right, enough
of these fancy words.

They're probably all true
but I am interested in

whether it pleases Iris?

- As to pleasing the young lady,

you have my guarantee of that.

For her this bed will be
a frame for masterpieces.

- Never mind the honeyed words.

My daughter is taken.

She's about to marry
Lieutenant Von Verdenfelds.

You're wasting your time my lad,

now come along I'll
pay whatever you ask.

- Yes sir.

- [Tristan] I'm waiting
my young friend,

let's settle the bill.

- Why am I marrying
the daughter?

It's her mother I desire.

- Tonight Alfred has a reunion
with his old colleagues.

- There we are,
it's all arranged.

I would be delighted to
ask you to dinner tonight,

but I can't.

I'm meeting some old colleagues.

Yes a nobleman in my family.

How's that for moving
up in the world.

- I know all about
those soldiers.

- I'll bet you do.

I'm right as a river.

- That's all right,
the silly gold break,

that awful cold sore.

(laughing)

Always so stiff except
where it counts.

- The nation's future
is in the Army's hands.

The Army is the only
way to progress.

- Oh yes go on.

When you speak of politics,

it excites me so, there's
no telling what I'd do.

You must go on.

- The anarchists that
band of agitators.

The Army will teach
them a lesson.

- Oh go on.

- Its patriotism

and its blind obedience,

which harbor breasts
nourishing the fatherland.

- Well said.

(playful music)
(giggling)

- Taking time out.

If you're not busy
you could find--

- I am busy.

- If your client is gone...

- He's gone below.

- What's that?

The young lady
dropped her broach.

- Yes sir.

Sorry sir.

- Natural mistake.

Now what is this
about your clients?

Is it true you have
people waiting for you?

They come in do
they when I'm gone.

- What is this tone?

If you're not happy go home
to your wife and question her.

- Ha, with all this politics
my head is swimming.

- I feel inspired.

We mustn't waste
a single moment.

- Well I mean my daughter,

any second she might come in.

Oh what are you doing?

- She would never barge
into her mother's bedroom.

You brought the girl
up well disciplined.

- Oh you say the nicest things.

I don't know how I
shall resist you.

My husband doesn't know
anything of tenderness.

But you...

(gasping)

- We're closing.

- It's a glorious bed.

- Yes, it's the best there is.

- You think that Von Velderfelts

is the right individual to
initiate me on a bed like this?

- Well you're marrying
that individual.

- That's no answer.

You find it shocking that
I wish to speak of such

an intimate subject?

- You can of course,
only it's one subject...

I must close up
now, it's very late.

- But a little while ago,
when we looked at each other

from all that I could
gather you were interested.

- Yes well, I was I admit.

- Since it's my own
bed, I'll try it out.

- Yes only I'm afraid
that we're closing.

- Nevertheless Father's
paid for it, I own it.

- Miss where are you going?

- To get undressed.

I don't wear anything to bed.

(giggling)
- I don't know what to say?

- Then don't say anything.
- Oh good Lord.

(romantic music)

You're enchanting.

- You really think so?

- Yes I mean it.

- I like you too.

- That's splendid.

- Well I'm waiting.

You undress.

- I'm new at this.

- Well let's not worry.

Everybody says it's easy.

Now we'll find out.

- Giddy up horsey, giddy up.

Go ahead horsey, faster.

Little faster, I've got a horse.

(laughing)

Wait, wait.

Attention.

Present arms.

Right shoulder arms.

Now stand at ease.

A soldier who wants
to stay at attention.

Who's eager to get to the front.

What regiment is he in?

Heavy artillery.

(clock chiming)

Well, ready, aim, fire.

Oh gGorge, I think I'm
going outta my head

to give my daughter
a guy, like this.

(romantic music)
(gasping breaths)

(soft moaning)
(heavy breathing)

- A bed that is fit for a king.

I got a real nobleman
for my little girl

and I didn't mind paying for it.

- If you're equally
generous with me,

you won't refuse to
give me a big present.

- How'd you like to go by
and take a look at that bed?

- I wouldn't mind.

Only my time is money.

(romantic music)
(gasping moans)

(uptempo music)
(cries of ecstasy)

- [Peter] My Father always

said I should satisfy
the customers.

- I'm perfectly a
satisfied customer.

Now what will your father say?

- My dear old dad would say,

"My son the
reputation of the firm

"rests in your capabilities."

- Your capabilities rest on
you being firm I would say.

- Oh listen, when
you've seen one bed,

you've seen them all.

- Ah there it is in there.

What idiot drew the curtains.

- It's not worth it.

- Oh yes it is, you just wait.

You're in for a surprise.

Come on I'll boost you up.

I'll lift you up.

(romantic music)

Wasn't it worth it?

- Oh yes, you told
I'd be surprised.

- [Tristan] What's your opinion?

- I believe I rarely
seen a bed used so well.

- What's that?

What do you see?

- I shall try to
describe just what I see.

Two young lovers
are upon the bed.

- They're just dummies.

- No, no they're wriggling.

- [Tristan] They're
wriggling on my bed?

- Oh boy are they balling.

- They're balling?

You're teasing, they
can't be balling.

- On my goodness.

I never imagined it'd
be fun in that position.

Oh my he's quite a stud.

- In the bed of my daughter.

Outrageous.

How are they doing now?

- Oh it's absolutely
fascinating.

I never saw a bed
bounce like that.

Higher I can't see anything.

- Peter, there's somebody
watching us at the window.

- Good Lord.

- He's making love to her.

Higher, higher.

- Maybe it's a night watchman.

- [Female] Oh quickly let
me down, they're coming.

- So they're coming.

- We're not putting
on a free show.

- Well hello there.

- Papa?
(groaning)

(dramatic music)
- [Tristan] Iris.

Iris, come here this instant.

- [Female] No, she
was doing very well.

- What's the meaning of this?

I never would have imagined
my daughter would betray me

before my very eyes.

- [Bed] My first scandal.

This double deflowering
I shall always cherish.

The poor father was
apoplectic with rage.

The two lovers
remained motionless

in the face of the storm.

I had carried them
to a distant planet

where his anger
could not penetrate.

- [Tristan] And what have
you to say for yourself

you miserable cur.

- I would like to--

- You already have.

- Request your daughters
hand of marriage.

- [Tristan] Her hand, when
you've had all the rest.

- Help, help, this
man is assaulting me.

He even pinched my derriere.

(gasping)

- Good God.

That was all--

- Sorry sir, we're closed.

- It's Iris.

Sir I fail to understand.

Very strange all this.

- Just a minor misunderstanding.

I'll explain everything.

- [Bed] As luck would have it,

this chance encounter
of the Lieutenant,

the father, the daughter,
and the young salesman,

all gathered here around me,

was to have a profound
influence on all their lives.

And on mine too.

- Under the circumstances
I'm obliged to inform you

that the engagement
is now broken.

- But what about her dowry?

- Dowry?

I shall keep your paltry
sum as partial indebtedly

for my honor.

- Your honor.

- Come I shall befriend you.

I can hardly leave such a
charming lady in this inequity.

- Just a moment, one
moment to attend to.

- Please go ahead.

(gentle music)

- Yes?

- Goodbye.

- May I?

- So much trouble I went to

trying to get my
daughter a husband.

- [Iris] But you don't have
to get me a husband, Papa.

- And why not?

- Because I've got one.

Peter Hadrick.

- Hadrick?

The furniture people?

Two large stores?

- The son.
- Only son.

(chuckling)

- Then you'll inherit
the whole pearl.

- [Bed] And that's how Iris
and I lost our innocence

and her papa became
a grandfather.

And as the story books say,

we lived happily ever after,

all except me.

(laughing)

- Over here, come on.

(both coaxing bed out together)

(speaking foreign language)

- [Bed] Whoa, slow
down my friends.

Not so fast.

- I can't wait.

- I can't either.

Hey let's stop a minute huh.

- Hey you,

move it up a little will you.

- Right away sir.

- Driver, please advance.

- Yes milady, at your order.

Motor may station vehicles

only where they will
not be a hindrance

to other motorists
or pedestrians.

I quote paragraph 10 of
the motor vehicle code.

- Does the code say
anything about kissing?

- [Bed] These two lovebirds
bring back memories.

Oh the kisses I've
been witness to.

There isn't much in the art
of love that I haven't seen.

I remember what happened when
I left Iris and her husband

after being a member
of their family

for so many years.

Times changed,

and I found myself in
service quite different

from the quiet family
life I had known.

(speaking foreign language)
(piano music)

(cheering)
(clapping)

- Really fantastic,
really put together.

- [Man] There she is.

Lucy you were sensational.

- Really superb Lucy.

You've got a way of
really putting over a song

that can't be topped.

- [Man] That you do.

- All that counts in
life is being happy.

Champagne here, Rene.

(merry music)

- You're making a mistake
coming to a place like this,

I warn you.

You won't like the
things you see.

You'll be shocked.

- Maybe it's true but
I wanna see what it is

that makes my husband come here.

- There's only one reason
he'd come to this place,

but you know that already.

It's true the ladies
here do a good job.

- A good job.
- You name it.

Over the years there is
nothing I haven't seen here.

You've been here very long?

- Too damn long I'd say,

but now there's
no way out for me.

Me with a husband in jail

and three good for nothing
kids that can't find work.

Times are hard, and I'm too
old now to find another job

so I stay here.

It turns my stomach some nights.

It was another dead
one last night.

- Really?

- Oh he was really
dead all right,

and you think anybody
around here cared?

- I think you're exaggerating.

- [Lady] I think you've
got too much imagination.

- [Maid] This place
is like quick sand.

The more you try to get
out the deeper you sink.

- Thanks for the warning.

Where's the singers
dressing room?

- Go straight down the corridor
next to the garbage cans.

(laughing)

- And you want to
do it together?

- Yeah that's right.

- But up on the
stage on the bed.

- Oh, do the naughty bed?

- You bet.

- Well I don't say no,

and I don't say yes.

(mumbling)

- If it works out,

what do you say to Florence?

- Ran into an old friend.

- I hope she won't ask.

- If she does I'll
introduce you.

(laughing)

- What are you doing in here?

- I have a business
transaction to discuss.

- [Lucy} What kind of business?

- Replacing you on
the stage tonight.

- Are you sure that's
what you'd like.

- Yes, especially when the
client who bought champagne

is involved.

- Charles Burnbank.

(laughing)

He isn't much to
get excited about.

- I'm quite aware of that,
we've been married long enough.

Over eight years.

- I don't like getting
involved in marital squabbles.

- Please don't be angry,

but be fair he pays you well.

He can pay me too.

- You would actually
make him pay?

- Why not, I do a good job.

- Oh that's perverse.

And besides there's
somethings you ought to know.

Don't believe it's
easy to do a good job.

First have you
got what it takes?

- Oh yes.

Is this good enough for giving
a good time to the clients?

- You need nerve too.

- You name it and I'll do it.

- All right.

(dramatic music)

(gasping breathing)

If you knew how I despised them.

- They're waiting.

- They can wait.

(heavy breathing)
(moaning)

- Oh it was wonderful.

- The one thing men lack

is tenderness.

- Women lack one thing as well.

- Nobody's perfect.

- I need a box.

- I don't understand.

- A box of safes.

- A what?

- Rubbers lady.

- Well then you should've
said so in the first place.

You think I'm a mind reader?

Here they'll cost
you two dollars.

- Isn't that kinda high?

- Well that's right.

- They're supposed to
cost only 50 cents.

- It's too much you say,

well all right as a
special offer you get this.

- I'm not interested.

- You intellectualist.

- The money?

- What do we do about the money?

- I'll give you double the
money that my husband does.

- All right.

If that's what you wish.

- Everything is ready.

The bed and me.

Ready for first act.

I leave it to decide
which of you will begin.

(laughing)

- I'll go first, I mean,

unless you'd rather?

- Go right ahead.

It's perfectly all right.

- Good.

- Well, the men
are itching to go.

Sure you can manage it?

- What do you think?

Am I all right?

I wouldn't want him
to be disappointed.

- Don't worry about a thing.

You'll do just fine.

- What if I'm recognized?

- You won't, it'll
be quite dark.

(shushing)

If one of you gentlemen
would like to begin.

- Oh yes.

In here?

Oh Lucy.

You're beautiful.

(moaning)
(gasping)

(playful music)
Oh Lucy.

Oh Lucy.

(heavy breathing)
(gasping)

Oh Lucy, Lucy.

Oh man oh man.

That was something.

- You really got
your moneys worth eh?

- She's a lot like my wife.

Naturally she's much better.

Oh my God this stuff.

Why don't you go in
and get the real thing.

Go on, don't keep
the lady waiting.

Go on.

- Yes.

(happy moaning)

Lucy?

Lucy?

(heavy breathing)
(moaning)

(merry music)

- [Bed] Apparently the
lady failed to notice,

that although the second
dance was like the first,

her partner had changed.

- Well, was it good?

- Lucy but,

who's in the bed then?

- Come I'll show you who it is.

- I don't understand.

I thought you were
in bed with me.

- Come along, you will see.

- [Charles] Oh if it's not
you, who the hell is it?

- Sit down.

(merry music)

- [Charles] My God, Florence.

- Well did we surprise you?

- Really I mean.

- We call this little number
turn about is fair play,

or what's sauce for the goose
is sauce for the gander.

There is no pint
introducing you.

You know each other.

- It's a scandal, I protest.

(laughing)

- What's so terrible
really I ask you.

Your wife and best friend
are in bed together.

Now what is wrong in that?

It's the sort of thing

that friends outta
do for one another.

- A woman of your kind
could never understand.

- [Man] See here you can't
speak to Lucy like that.

- [Bed] A very
nasty scene ensued,

and marked the end of
my theatrical career.

Too bad, I might have
played Cleopatra's barge.

But no.

I was destined
for better things.

- Can you tell me how to
get to the post office?

- The post office?
- Yes.

- Nothing easier.

If you please sir.

After you.
- Oh thank you.

- There we are.

- Hey sonny, you got a
bed there, not a taxi.

- Don't be ridiculous.

If this were a bed it wouldn't
be waiting at a taxi stand.

Why I'm going to be traveling
in real style today.

Driver if you're ready.

- Yes sir.
- Here we go.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

Well here we are.

I hope you enjoyed your ride.

- Yes indeed.
- At your service.

- What do I owe you?

- Oh you've nothing to pay.

- If you're satisfied
that's enough.

- Meeting you two has
made my whole day.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- So long.

- A rolling bed is
something customers notice.

I don't have one.

Only if I could use yours
it might help business.

- No I don't think a
rolling bed would work.

- You gotta use
whatever you can,

when you're selling
stale merchandise.

- But you're not
stale merchandise.

- I may not have been once,

but I've been on
the market too long.

(laughing)

- [Bed] You see life is just
a series of coincidences.

Meeting Eva today like this.

I knew her a long time ago.

And you should
have seen her then.

Ah Eva.

The little queen bee in her hive

as fiery as her morning coffee.

There was also Carla.

Miss Curlers they called her.

And Alure, who bathed
little but powdered much.

Geida,

the tigress with steel claws.

And the guiding
spirit of the house,

the Valkyrie of prostitution,

The Madam.

And last but not least,

the faithful witness
and chronicler of a
million intimacies,

your humble servant,

or in this case

an undercover agent so to speak.

While Madam Schindler's house

was a veritable secret service.

One day...

- Allow me to present Mister,
what was your name again?

- Uldaman.

- Mister Uldaman and I
would like to be alone.

- The girls may stay.

Unlike you I have
no secrets Madam.

- Haven't you?

- Ladies and Madam,

we are well aware of
what goes on here.

- We're world famous.

Everyone knows that.

- Don't talk back.

We have been patient with you,

but now.

- But now the furor wants us

in case the enemy
makes a frontal attack.

- The furor doesn't
find that funny.

If you do not cooperate,
these ladies will--

- What?

- Will--
- Yes?

- [Schindler] They
will be redeployed.

- They're gonna put
us in a battalion.

Whores for Hitler.

And our mission is
keeping the Air force up.

- [Schindler] We are also
aware of the sensitivity

of your area.

Diplomats come here and go.

- Ah you are intelligent.

- As of now you are
working for us Madam.

I am putting in
listening equipment.

They can all whisper,
but I will be listening.

(phone ringing)

Operation Redlight.

(speaking foreign language)

Yeah, everything is ready.

Yeah we will soon get results.

I'm certain.

The furor will
congratulate us on this.

Yeah I'll stay here.

Yeah.

We'll get the Iron
Cross for this one.

(laughing)
(gasping)

(moaning)
(playful music)

- You're a handsome guy.

- Oh the gentleman's
glass is empty.

That isn't very nice.

Don't do that again.

- Wouldn't you like
to join the party?

- Now you know I never do that.

Look at all these
charming girls.

- But you're the most
beautiful girl here.

- I'm very flattered.

You diplomats know
how to talk to women.

My days past but my girls
know all my secrets.

- [Man] Century at 54.2.

Domestic 56.2.

Gas industries--

- [Woman] Do you have
to read the paper?

- [Man] Well the stock market

is going up and
down erratically.

- So are you.

Oh boy.

There.

Let's really go.
- Go where?

- All the way.

- Oh these English men.

(gasping)
Come on.

- Yes it's rising
several points.

- [Eva] I'll settle
for just one point.

- [Man] Oh I say.

I say I believe I
might just manage it.

- Good show.
- I say, I say.

- [Eva] You say what?

- I say,

tally ho!

Oh damn.

- He who laughs
last laughs best.

- All right then.
- You liked it?

- Might I have a cup of tea?

(moaning)
(heavy breathing)

- She likes it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- You won't learn any
military secrets here.

- So I tell her
husband I caught a spy.

- Good evening darling, how
nice to see you here tonight.

My dear,

you have a long night ahead.

Basillio the hot blooded

Spanish gentleman's
joining us tonight.

I want you to take
good care of him.

All right he'll be
here in an hour.

- [Eva] But why always me?

- Boring, always the same thing.

(gasping breathing)
(moaning)

- You're beautiful.

The German girls.

Fantastic.

Oh again, again.

Ready yes.

I've never had it so good.

Oh shit.

So pretty.

Beauty.

Oh it's good.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh you're beautiful.

- My dear friend how
nice of you to visit us.

It's always such a pleasure
to welcome you here.

As always you'll
have me little Eva.

- Like always.

For you, little Eva.

(soft music)

- You're orders
are to be issued.

Everyone here will be affected.

They concern a matter close
to the heart of our furor.

Should I tell you about them?

- Oh yes, please.

(whistling)

- We will clean house.

We shall remove from
the fatherland all

except the master race.

The Aryan is the
only true German.

- What's an Aryan?

- One with highest moral fiber.

Pure in mind and body.

- Hail,

Hitler.

(playful flute music)

- We shall create a
new race in the world.

We'll create

a race of true Nordics.

Blonde hair, blue eyes.

Beautiful legs.

All of use are master race.

Far superior, more intelligent,

and ready to take our
civilization in hand.

- Thank you for the warning.

Our secret service is
indebted to you Madam.

- What is it Uldaman.

- Let me in there.

- Oh no.

I'm afraid you can't.

- There's a secret agent.

- So, all the more reason
to keep him secret.

- I have to get in.

Open the door.

- Who's that?

- We're being spied on.

There's the microphone see.

- Who planted the microphone?

- Well rumor has it you did.

You outsmarted yourself.

- Open at once.

- They were only obeying
your orders master.

- There you are.

- Where is the spy?

(exciting music)

You idiot, what
are you doing here?

- Sir I couldn't.
- Get out of here.

- I assure you.
- Get out.

- No, no, no, no everyone
don't stand here.

Go to your rooms please.

- You haven't got
the brains of a pig.

You are a pig.

You will be punished for this.

If any microphones
are to be installed

I'm the one who will decide.

- I thought--

- Thinking is something
you must never do.

The furor does our
thinking for us.

And the furor my friend,
doesn't need your help.

- Only this place is
a very sensitive area.

- That is evident.

And if you think I need
any of your information

you're mistaken.

I suppose you think I'm
here to enjoy myself?

- Oh that's the very last
thing I'd have thought.

- There are some secrets

that no one must hear.

Do I make myself clear?

- Hail Hitler.

(speaking foreign language)

Hail Hitler.

- Hail my ass.

Excuse me but he did insist.

- It's all right.

Hail Hitler.

- Don't you want your shoes?

(playful music)

- [George] Think
they'll be any room?

- We'll never get it in.

- [George] I should
have reserved seats.

I told you so.

- Chivalry is dead.

Hey what's the difference
between an old bed

and a young man?

- I don't know.

- In a young man
hope springs eternal,

in an old bed
springs are internal.

- And are the springs
a young man's fancy?

- I don't think that's the
springs they're talking about.

- Oh that's what you think.

I'll show you.

- How about Paris
on the springs?

- Spring like the tiger.

- Down tiger, take it easy.

We're almost home now.

- Okay.

(laughing)

- [Bed] Too bad.

I thought the occasion
was about to spring up.

It would've been my first
time in the open air.

Not to be.

The fickle finger of fate.

- What about this place?

- I'm exhausted, by
the time we get home.

I don't think I'll
have any energy left.

- Do you mean it?

- If you want, this is a moment.

- Right.

Emergency.

The first rule, strike
while the iron's hot.

- And is the iron hot?

- You'll find out.

(romantic music)
(heavy breathing)

- [Bed] Here my friends.

Here I am.

Ready, willing, and able,

and all alone.

Oh well, memories.

I knew this building when
it wasn't a pile of rubble.

Though in a way the whole
country had fallen to bits.

In those days doing my
job was no bed of roses.

- [Woman] Well here comes
our hero of the home front.

- He's got everything
he owns stored away,

nice and safe.

His wife is in Switzerland.

Very handy being in the party.

- As far as I'm
concerned, he's a bastard.

Who else would bring down
this bed down to the cellar?

Hey what's the latest on when
we're going to win the war?

- I don't consider
that a laughing matter.

- In the party you
don't laugh much.

- You better watch
your step madam.

- Hail Hitler.

- Forget it.

- [Bed] Yes, it was
the beginning of the
end for the Nazis.

Though I didn't like that
disagreeable individual.

I suppose it is thanks to him

that I survived in a safe place.

(muffled chatter)

- Get that bed outta here.

Our troops are
living in trenches

and you make the bomb
shelter into a bordello.

- Is that right?

If they gave the Iron
Cross to loudmouths

I would recommend
you to the furor.

(low drum booming)

- For once why don't they
go and bomb Nuremberg.

- Yeah and what do you
think the people over there

are saying right now?

- [Maria] It's too quiet.

I'm worried.

- When the bombing starts
you can begin worrying.

- I hate these raids.

No one knows when the
next one will come.

Just between us I'd
rather not know.

- I just can't sit here.

- Maria.

- No it's Gisella.

- Sorry.

- You were dreaming.

- What about your
husband, any news?

- He's getting
transferred to the front.

His whole unit is going.

- Would you like to sit down?

(distant rumbling)

Scared?
- Yes.

- Me too.

- It's getting
farther away I think.

- It isn't over yet.

- Sit here awaiting
the next bomb.

- Hoping it's the last.

- I'm fed up with this crying.

I must ask you to keep your
children under control.

You are all responsible
for your children.

Teach them discipline
and loyalty to our furor.

- Listen, would it hinder
the war effort irrefutably

if you went and sat down?

- Some of us still might
like to serve the country.

- A splendid idea.

You should be up at the front.

Perhaps he'll disappear
if we ignore him.

(knocking)

- What was that?

- Since you're our protector,

why don't you go and inspect.

(crying)

It's very likely a
detailed Russian officer,

I'm wondering could you
tell us where Hitler lives.

Now don't worry, all those
bombs will go away soon.

It's Singer.

- Have you got a pass?

- Misses Singer.

- Oh Mister Singer.

- Gisella, Carl's here.

- Carl?

- Yes dear he just came in.

- I'm so happy for you.

- I must see your pass.

- Oh come on relax.

Martha how are you?

- Regulations state that you
must have an official pass

other wise you're under arrest.

- Oh can't somebody shut
his mouth for Pete's sake?

I don't wanna hit him.

- Now listen here hero,

you are going to sit
down and shut up.

You understand?

Now you just meditate
about your precious furor.

- Carl, how in the
world did you get here?

- They gave us a two hour leave.

I'm sorry I have to get
back to my unit by midnight.

- Weren't you out in the
middle of all that bombing?

- Oh there's nothing
going on there.

They're flying off to the west.

Oh God you look great.

(laughing)

Tell me, are you all right?

- Here's to you Carl.

- Thanks.

- Here, here's a little
something for you.

Take this, good.

- What is it?

- Imitation sausage.

- Hello stranger.
- Oh hello Hans.

- I've been saving this Carl.

Come on let's drink it.

- Everybody fill your glasses.

If ever there was an
occasion to get plastered,

this is it.

(laughing)
(muffled chatter)

All the best to you Carl.

- 'Til midnight.

- All the best.
- Thanks.

- You'll be cozier in there.
- In there?

- [Bed] You can
call me sentimental,

but that night I did
everything I could

to make those two lovers happy.

They had only a couple of hours

and I vowed they would be hours

that neither would never forget.

- I'll see that
you're not disturbed.

(laughing)

- I'll tell you if my husband
came back just for one night

like Carl here, I'd
hide his trousers

and he'd never go back.

Hey where's our hero?

Don't sulk over there
all by yourself.

Even if he's a Nazi

he should join our party too.

Come on now.

- I'm sorry but I
get very nervous.

- Oh we're all feeling the same.

(merry music)

- Two hours.

- When will you be home?

- Tonight's all that matters.

(breathy moaning)

(upbeat music)

(breathy moaning)
(ragged breathing)

- How much I love you.

- That's something they
can't take away from us.

- No.

(upbeat music)

- Of all my treasures Princess,

you may choose one
upon your knees.

Your master will be generous.

Now Princess, make your choice.

- You have captured
all of me already

by giving me not
emeralds or diamonds,

but by giving me the
answer to a maidens prayer.

The princes of ancient China

could never give
me what you have.

This rare and delicate bed.

I am most fortunate
of all women.

There is but one thing.

- What is it?

- A mattress.

- Is that all.

Your wish shall be granted.

What about this one?

- I can hardly wait
to sleep on it.

- You will get a demonstration
of things you can do on it.

(laughing)

There's a legend
about this mattress.

Who sleeps upon it alone in
the light of the full moon

shall be haunted by the
spirits of maiden Oz.

- [Bed] Well, well
a new mattress.

New to the three of us anyway.

And for free.

I've known some who let their
budgets run away with them.

Always in debt to pay for
some fancy new gadget.

That high standard of
living can kill you.

- I'm back, hello.

More overtime again.

Next time he'll have me
typing with my feet as well.

Millions he's going to get.

All big deals.

And when I ask for a raise,

he says he's headed for the
poor house, I don't know.

- Wait 'til you taste this.

Made with champagne
and partridge eggs.

It's a recipe I
thought up myself.

I think it's okay.

Tell me honestly what you think.

- More stew.

- Not bad is it?

Look it's Hyrulian Monastery.

Only the best battery acid.

- Darling this beer, shouldn't
it be a little bit colder?

If we got a refrigerator
maybe it would be cold.

- Well surely it's far more
important to get furniture.

- All of our friends have
got plenty of furniture.

Why not us?

- Oh don't worry, I told
you everything will come.

Anyway, we're happy aren't we?

- Oh I guess so.

I'm just tired of poverty.

We can't go on like this.

- Something will
turn up all right.

(gentle music)

- Just an intimate
party for someone.

- His wife too?

- For her it's all
going to be very easy.

She's as stupid as she is ugly.

- Tell me have you any idea--

- He betrays her,
she betrays him,

and that's all that
should be needed.

Then you and I will
collect the fortune.

- You don't think that if
we waited a little longer--

- If ever it was the
right instant to invest

it's now.

And if we're successful
with our plan,

considering the location
of the property,

we'll probably realize
over a 400% profit margin.

- You're a business genius.

- Does that make up for the
fact that I'm not so competent

when it comes to
marriage darling?

To us.

- When are you
going to get smart.

This town's full of rich widows

looking for guys like you.

They reek of big money.

Money all ripe for plucking.

- Yeah so?

Why don't you pick up
some of that dough?

I'm telling you you're
just what they want.

Gold nuggets, pick 'em
up, it's a pleasure.

- Yeah but for whom?

- All right, what do you care.

Don't waste your chances of
getting it where it's at.

- Hello?

Any one here?

- Well go ahead, this is
your golden opportunity.

- Yeah.

May I help you?

Please come in.

- Lots of luck.

- Your director if you please.

- [Stefan] I'm so
sorry, he isn't here.

- Then I'll wait.

- There's no telling
when he'll get back.

It could be quite awhile.

- Do you make a commission?

When you sell one of those cars?

- Yes.

- Get one for me.

- [Stefan] Yes certainly.

- May we give it a test?

- Yes of course.

- Two Golden Crest.

That's my address.

- It's a pity but I'm afraid

I haven't got a
great deal of time.

I'm dining early tonight.

A very important official.

Oh the official can wait.

(sultry music)

Now let's get to serious things.

- Whatever you'd like.

- You're sweet.

Perhaps we can now
begin our preliminaries.

The first preliminary
will be a shower.

- Yeah.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

Right now?

- [Bed] My new mistress was not
in the first blush of youth,

but she made me
blush all the same.

Mixing business with pleasure,

her assets remained intact.

She had a good head for figures.

And young men like Stefan

she considered a
good investment.

- It's not extortion, it's
just gentle persuasion.

It's very simple, you
just do it Senator.

Look I'm terribly sorry,

you'll have to be
more insistent.

The president has to
understand my position.

He's an intelligent man.

That's the idea.

Maybe I'll invite you.

I'm entertaining a young man.

He's superb only he's bashful.

I hope that he has.

Tomorrow?

Sure.

What did you say?

Monday, maybe I'd
better call you back.

- [Bed] As far as
she was concerned,

Stefan's stock was
rising to a new high.

(throaty moaning)
(heavy breathing)

- That the going rate?

- It's more.

(laughing)

- I don't want it.

- What then?

- This.

- What?

- The bed here.

- The bed?

- The bed.

- The bed?

- Yeah.

(discordant piano music)

- Where'd you get that?

- It's only a beginning,

it's gonna be a
real showplace here.

- [Bed] At first it
was a bit lonely here.

Four walls, the rug,
the chandelier, and me.

And then an armchair,
another one,

then a chest of drawers
and on and on they came

until I felt like a
king holding court.

Add two lovers and presto, I
was ready to work my own magic.

At last they were both happy.

- For the next hour or so I
don't want to be disturbed.

- I quite understand sir.

(low jazzy music)

- Well what a nice surprise.

Can I ask you an
indiscreet question?

You don't strike me as
the sort of girl who--

- Just lucky I guess.

Let's say I'm a
wicked woman, okay?

That's what I always
tell the gentlemen,

I might suggest the ones
who telephone a call girl

are really the immoral
ones, however let it go.

- You must admit a man
doesn't expect a girl--

- A girl like me?

- That's right.

- I found that men
are often put off

by a woman they
consider to be a lady.

I wonder why?

But one woman is like
another they say.

Should we get started?

I'd like to get home
before my husband does,

otherwise it's a big deal.

I hate lying to him.

- Married?

What the hell is this?

- I love my husband in fact.

- Then what the hell are
you doing in my room?

- Because I love him.

Drop it okay?

You'll never understand.

Anyway who cares?

You don't wanna talk.

There's much better
things to do.

(laughing)

- [Man] Who cares.

- [Misses Ollie] Yes?

- Misses Ollie?

- [Misses Ollie] Yes.

- There's your fridge.

(laughing)

- Who sent it

- Oh my darling who cares?

Maybe you won a beauty contest.

(upbeat music)

- Like a drink?

- Yes.

Where is our beautiful guest?

She's late.

- She's here.

She's in the shower.

- I'm looking forward
to meeting her.

- Here we are.

Do hurry up.

- Well,

competition?

- Don't worry.

- Where is he your Adonis?

- In the shower.

- Sounds absolutely--

- Would you like to see the new
we got, it's in the bedroom.

- Oh yes, certainly.

- Now's our chance, let's go.

It's upstairs.

- Hey you, hey you.

You mind sharing the soap?

- Just a second.

- Wait a minute.

No.

What are you doing here?

- Tony!

- Yeah.

- What are you doing...

- You're not...

- The bed.
- The refrigerator.

(shouting at once)

- No listen, I love you,
that's why I did it.

- Oh baby, it was to show
you how much I love you

that I did it.

- I wanted you to have
everything understand?

- I understand everything.
- You do understand.

(upbeat piano music)

Let's forget the whole thing.

- The whole thing.

We'll consider it didn't happen.

The whole thing is
dead and buried.

- [Tony] Yes.

- You must excuse me, I'm
going home with my husband.

- There's a place we have to go.

- For instance?

- Yes, for instance.

- We're going to bed.

- As the old saying goes,
early to bed, early to rise.

And the earlier the rise the
better we're going to like it.

Come on let's go to bed.

(moaning)
(heavy breathing)

- Why'd you put the
lights on darling?

- Well you're a beautiful sight.

- You're too much,
you know that?

Come.

- [Tony] Yes.

(gentle music)
(moaning and heavy breathing)

- How is it darling?

What were those other
women like, hmm?

- [Tony] Fantastic.

- Liar!

- [Tony] What about
those other men?

- [Misses Ollie] Fantastic.

- [Tony] Liar.

(laughing)

What is it?

- [Misses Ollie] I
wanna look at you.

(moaning and heavy breathing)

- [Bed] So their story
came to a perfect end.

As all love stories should.

What are these kids up to now?

Help.

- Pull it's attached!

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

There, watch out for the tree.

All right?

- Yeah I think so.

- Young man, now look here.

- Yes?

- That you have a
little girlfriend

is normal for one your age,

but when you start turning
this house into a cat house

then you're going too far.

- Oh come on, is it
really as bad as that?

I bet you brought yours
in just like this.

- No it's not the same
thing, this bed is old,

I'm certain it's been used
by who knows how many people.

Such a bed gives
you wicked ideas,

I won't have it in my
building and that's final!

- The bed's got to go,
it'll corrupt the neighbors.

(gentle music)

- Well.

There's a housing shortage,

only that's no reason to create

a disturbance in a public place.

I make my rounds every month,

you'd better be gone
when I get back.

(gentle music)
(moaning and heavy breathing)

(motors revving)
(laughing)

- Far out.

- Come on, fuck off will ya?

- [Woman] Yeah,
you're hanging us up.

- That's a heck
of a boner friend.

(gentle music)

- [Bed] And here's a happy
ending if ever there was one.

Next time, I'll bet
they put me in...

No, better not tell.

If there's one thing
I am, it's discreet.

(upbeat music)