Das perfekte Geheimnis (2019) - full transcript

"THOSE WHO SPEAK THE TRUTH
ARE HANGED." (GEORG BÜCHNER)

We're rolling.
- We just made history.

The Perfetti Gang
has saved its first life!

Perfetti!

I skinny dipped with a freshman girl.
- Right!

Cool!

Yeah, friends forever!

Friends forever!
Forever! forever!

Guys, I have an idea.

Blood brothers.
- Blood brothers!

Wait, Leo.



OK, now.

Aw, fuck!
- Fuck!

Stop filming and run to a phone booth!

What dick had this dumb idea?
- Yo momma!

See the light at the end
of the tunnel? - Shut it!

Idiots.
- We'll ignore that.

To the emergency room, Mr. Clooney!
Aren't you that actor?

THE PERFECT SECRET

Ambulance 4, patient with stab wound.
Male, nine years old.

Stable. We're on our way to St.
Francis Hospital.

Do we have to drive so fast?
I feel sick.

Dude, Leo, you bled
all over the place!

Note down your parents' numbers.
- Mine have no phone.

A fax might work.



Rocco, let's send this
to Funniest Home Videos.

Stop filming and sit down!

Let go of him!
- Simon, bite him!

Damn!
Where did you find our old camcorder?

Rocco, you need help?
- No.

Is there a method to this madness?

Just relax. Have a glass of wine.

Listen, I'm not Carlotta.

You're awake?

Hey, sweetie.

What are you going to wear?

Oh my god!
It's going to be so awesome!

We just made history.
The Perfetti Gang...

Give me that, Bruno. It's not a toy.

Cell phones make you dumb.

Ey, Pepe. Why'd you name
the piglet after my mom?

We were such disturbed kids.

Mom! Have you boiled the pacifier?
- Yes.

You're cleaning now?
- Just real quick.

Baby yoga tomorrow will be stressful.

Does Carlotta do any housework?

She works, Mom.
- I can't believe you agreed to this.

It's called a modern relationship.

Think of where you'd be
if you had a degree!

I'm worried about where you'll end up.

Sacrificed yourself to a feminist.

Stop talking about me. I'm here.

I know it's late. Sorry!

It's fine. We'll manage.
- Did you miss me?

No!
- Not even a little?

Hey, sweetie!

Hey, sweetie!

He doesn't recognize you.
Not even a smile.

So nice you're here.
What a warm welcome.

I'll change!
- No, we're leaving now.

Carl... Carlotta!

Sarah broke up with Diego.

She looked through his phone.

You don't need to change! - I answered
my boss. Don't stress me out.

You really want to argue, or can
we have a nice evening for once?

Right, then come.

Please tell me where you're going.
- I told you. To Klara's!

Are you going to put something on?
- Yes, shoes.

You're meeting Maik, right?
- Psycho questions.

Lying undermines the trust between us.

I told you I'm going to Klara's

with a bunch of people.
Maik might be there, too.

Are these for water balloons?

Those aren't mine.

So they fell into your bag?
- I keep them for Klara.

Can't she do that herself?
- Hm, right!

Her mom goes through her stuff.

Call her, she could use a therapist.

You'll drive me nuts!
- You are already.

When did you get this way?
- I always have been.

I just put on an act for 14 years.

God, that woman!

Queen St. 42. Stachus Sq. 18 in six
minutes. Leopold St., no number.

Leopold St., no number.
- Can you put your phone down, baby?

I so wanted to bake some bread.

Oh wait! I have the dream catcher
I made in night school!

But Eva will think
it's crap, won't she?

She's so harsh.
She doesn't like me at all.

They all think you're great.

I keep telling you that.
- I hope this organic wine is good.

No idea how long it was in Gran's
cellar? - Wine should be old.

You could've removed the price tag.

Leave it!
20 euros! Stick it on the cork.

But it's in deutschmarks!
We can't leave that on there!

Fuuuck!

Are you using the lotion I gave you?
- It says it's for horses.

It's the same as the one for people.

It'll do you good.

Then you won't be so aggressive
when you drive.

UNKNOWN NUMBER

Hello, Mrs. Obermayer.

No, according to body size.

Check the table and hide
the homeopathic pellets in his food.

That's really not uncommon
for that breed.

Just come by my office.

No, he didn't!

Really?
- You look so hot!

Are you nuts?

Not you. I'm talking to my dog.

Labrador. Yes, terribly clingy.

No, Benni!

No, not castrated,
but I'm considering it.

Let me know how Hasko's
doing tomorrow.

As you've probably heard,

tonight is a very
special lunar eclipse

that only comes around
every 200 years.

Your daughter is talking total crap.

I didn't hear your answer.
- Eva, what can I say?

At 14 you're full of crap.

Crappy grades, mood, clothes.

She's meeting that Maik guy.
- Don't they say "hang" now?

I don't like him. - Your parents
didn't want you dating me.

Did it change anything?

Take a step back.
Like you do with your patients.

She has condoms in her bag.

How do you know that?

A mother's intuition.

You went through her stuff?
- Looking for my eyeliner.

She uses conflict with me to assert
her identity and distance herself.

So arguing with Sophie is...
psychologically recommended?

Absolutely, kind of.

But it sounds dumb when you say it.

My mother sold fruit.
- Here we go again.

Things were simple. I left my family
without distancing myself.

My mom said, "Rocco's not here?
I'll put his chicken in the fridge."

You know what would interest me?

No.
- Where my husband is.

You've stopped cursing.
You're annoyingly even-tempered.

Why are you so relaxed recently?

You getting that?

Hello.
- It's us.

Come up.

Shit.

Hello!
- Hi.

Here.
- Thanks!

Be right there!

Sorry. He rushed me. I couldn't change.
- You go to work like that? Hot!

Stop that! He's jealous enough as is.

Tiramisu.
- Thank God!

Who knows what Rocco is conjuring up.

What did she say?
- Hey, top chef!

Hi.
- Nice that you're here.

What's cooking? It stinks a bit.
- Excuse me?

I'll ignore that.
Tonight's menu is a surprise.

Inspired by the world tour we've been
planning for years but will never book.

This goes in the fridge.

It's us.
- Hello!

Anyone home?
- Hey!

So glad you could make it, too.
- Hello, Carlotta.

Hello.
- Eva.

See, they're not so dressed up.

I'm kidding, Eva.

I brought you something.
- Really?

OK. Thanks.
- I don't know if you'll like it.

Look.

A dream catcher. I made it myself.
- It's...

It's gorgeous. Thanks.

And white wine.
- Organic!

They roped you in too, didn't they?

One bottle? Is it a bitter?
- What does organic mean?

25 euros is what it means.

Should I pay you back in instalments?
- Has Princess Sophie left yet?

She's in her room, lying on a pea.

Rudi, no!
- Your dog is so weird.

Drop it, Rudi!

I'll say hello.
- No, don't.

You sound really fed up. At war?
- I found condoms in her bag.

Well, she's 14.

So what?
- I won't say when I got started then.

No, tell us.

At 12 my mom gave me
my first vibrator.

But she's a bit of a hippy.

She said, "First time drunk at 12,
and first drunk in bed at 13."

Right, if we need a babysitter,
then not Bianca.

Where's Pepe?
- Hasn't showed yet.

Is he bringing his new lady?
- Her name is Anna.

No bitching. I'm so glad he found her.
He was so sad at couples nights.

He has depressive episodes.

What?
- Pepe's always been a bit melancholy.

What if she's old?

A MILF?
- Careful! Eva and I are MILFs.

You, maybe. Is this sparkling wine?
It's got bubbles.

It's gone bad.
- Yes.

Nonsense!

Shake it till the bubbles are gone.

Oh, God!
- Good idea, honey. I'll have a glass.

Verena was so nice.
How'd he mess that up?

Don't mention her! Not even as a joke.
- Who is Verena?

Pepe's ex. - And she wasn't
particularly... pretty.

She had a phone sex voice.

"Hello, boys.

I heard you go way back.

I bet Pepe told you what I'm into."

Thanks for sharing!

Pepe!

How long do they need to get up here?
- It just takes longer at her age.

Good even... Something wrong?

Are you alone?
- Where's Anna?

Anna says sorry.
She's got a stomach bug.

She's not coming?
- No, she's got a fever.

We so wanted to meet her.
- The MILF.

I know, she's very sorry.

Should I leave?

Yep.
- OK.

No!
- No. Come in!

HeHo, Pepe.
- How are you?

I'm hungry-

I meant to eat beforehand
since Rocco's cooking.

You bought that for
the stupid eclipse?

It's from school.
Some of us are interested in science.

Certainly. I, however,
prefer to study alcoholism.

What is that? - Who cares as
long as it packs a punch.

Did you guys have a fight?
- No. Why?

You look sad. Are you sleeping?

I'm not depressed.
- Is it over?

Are you broken up?

I see you're all two
glasses ahead of me.

Any of you spoken to Diego?
- Not in front of the ladies!

How old is she?
- Didn't we say no dumb jokes?

What jokes?

We wondered: is she tall or short?
- Blond or brunet?

Or gray-haired.

Why gray-haired?

You think I picked up an old hag?

No!
- No.

You asswipes!
- Leave him be.

Is the house in Majorca available?

I haven't heard yet.

Are you superstitious?

About the lunar eclipse.
- A little.

I got at least five WhatsApps
about what's in store.

So, tell me!
- Hm?

How is she? Are you in love?

Oh, I don't even know. I...

Don't be so uptight.
You can talk to me.

Well?

What are you guys up to? - Eva, how
do you know if you're in love?

God! You're asking me?

As a therapist you know about love.

Therapists know more about divorce.

If you call each other
three times a day, you're in love.

OK.
- So Leo is in love with his mother.

And if we call ten times a day?

Then I'd say it could be love.

And when you stop calling,
you're married.

Carlotta!

What's so funny?
- Hello.

How old is she?
- Our age.

Do you have a photo of her?

Hey! "Forward this
message to 666 people

or the Blood Moon
will bring you ill fortune."

Shit!
- See?

I don't even have 666 contacts.
You guys?

Get ready for the first course!
Assorted tapas.

One's ruined but I won't say
which one. - My sister...

Come on. Forget that nonsense.

Looks great.
- Thanks.

How many courses?
- Four.

We sticking to white?
- Guys?

Sarah left Diego.
- No! Seriously?

She's at her parents' in Cologne
crying. He's having an affair.

She found a text on his phone.
- Whoa! I can't believe it

Did you guys know? "No!

No!
- Sure they did.

Don't be naive. The Perfetti
Gang always sticks together.

Since third grade!
- Diego didn't tell us.

Rocco, it looks great.
- You?

Me?
- Pepe didn't know either.

Should we have told her if we'd known?
- No, women love to be left in the dark.

Don't mess with her, she's the
emancipation warrior at her agency.

Anti-discrimination officer.

I wouldn't want a 23-year-old hussy to
split them up just because I blabbed.

22.
- There!

You knew!
- Rocco!

You liars!
- I guessed.

Just so you know,
if Simon cheats on me,

I'd like to know about it.

Well, if you really want to know...

You prick!
- Man!

I hope Diego is suffering
as much as Sarah.

Sure, he lost his wife and daughter.
- And is stuck with a 22-year-old.

Nightmare!

Now he has to watch reality TV
and go to Justin Bieber concerts.

She doesn't like wine.
- He'll have to get waxed.

You get waxed.
- Yeah, but I do it for myself.

For masturbating in
front of the mirror?

He uses my face cream too.
- What is this?

Nice and soft. - Tragic how
one text can ruin a family.

More like one 22-year-old slut.

Sarah shouldn't have read it.
- So it's her fault for looking?

You're unbelievable, Simon. - If I
screw a girl, I delete the text.

What are you saying?

Interesting. You guys feel the same?

No.
- No way. Really. Simon!

Sure, go after me because
I have the guts to tell the truth.

Pass the pimentos, please.

But he's right. You have to
be careful with these things.

Everything's in here.

GPS data, location,
pictures, messages.

Passwords. This is basically
the "black box" of our lives.

True.
- How many couples would it ruin?

If one looked through
the other's phone?

Leo would never give me his.

Here. Have a look.
Take it!

I'm warning you, I'll do it.
- Go on.

He's shaking already.
- And turning white.

OK, I insist. Have a look.

But put yours on the table too.
- Exciting!

Texts from my boss, and from your
sister asking for pics of the kids.

"Can you take one of the potty?"

Bianca, would you give Simon yours?
- Sure. I don't even have a PIN.

I wouldn't even want to look.

I don't have a PIN either.

I always save the pin in my notes app
because I forget it.

Then I can't access the note.

Because I forget the PIN.

Best story ever!

Rocco would rather swallow his, right?

It's impressive how well
you read my mind, as a therapist.

What makes you think that? Here.

You'll see pics
of patients' tits and asses.

Can I see before and after pics?
- Hands off!

So you're all claiming
to have no secrets?

Apart from Diego, you're all saints?

Nothing to hide.

I know you all inside out, you bores.

You really think so?
- Yeah.

All right, let's play a game.

What game?

"Coming Clean."

All phones on the table!

Then what?
- While we have dinner,

we read every new message aloud
and put calls on speaker phone.

"No secrets." Right?

Yeah. Sounds fun.

Yeah, um no.
- All right.

Time to bare all.

Here's mine.

But Anna isn't here.
- So?

I'd do it anyway.

You think this is funny, Eva?
A psychological experiment?

Suddenly so serious?
Are you hiding something?

I'm afraid you are.

If you're cheating, I
don't want to know.

If I were cheating
I wouldn't propose the game.

Or you are and want it to come out.

It's a psychological mechanism
I read about,

like when serial killers can't bear
their secret and try to be discovered.

Right, I say we play.

And if we get sick of it, we stop.

There.

Most of us were against it.
Let's just eat.

It's like truth or dare
when we were younger.

We used to jerk off together,
now we don't.

Too much information!
- I never did that.

No, you jerked off with
our girlfriends. - What?

He stole
my and Simon's first girlfriends.

Oh come on,
you didn't even have hairy nuts.

You only camped out and made
s'mores... - We wanted to kill you.

Yeah, if only we had.
- I liked camping.

We wanted to go camping this year...
- Don't change the subject. Simon?

Put your phone on the table.
- No, I don't want to.

Seriously?
- Yes.

Simon!

It's silly!

For all I care... Here, my cell phone.

This is really fun.

I'm super excited. It's like,
the best idea ever! So cool!

Guys, are we really doing this?

Yes!

Only trashy people
put their phones on the table.

Diego always has his on flight mode.

Leo always puts his screen down.
- How?

Face down. Think I don't notice?
- Not on purpose. Total coincidence.

And you don't mind paying 200 euros
to repair the screen?

Costs 30 in the repair shop.

Then scratch it all up.

Fine.
I'll put it down with the screen up.

No one touches the phones
during the game.

No cheating!

Here's mine.
But if my boss calls, I'm not here.

Same here, if the lady
with the anxious poodle calls.

Otherwise I'm available.

This might become
an intriguing evening after all.

God!
- The pan's burning.

It sure is!

One course less then?
- No, it's just the pimento oil.

Too bad.

What was that just now?
- Nothing.

Sure?
- I'll play any game with you.

Oh, God.

I'm leaving.
- Hello!

Hi, everyone.
- She keeps getting prettier.

Um... Thanks.

Luckily she takes after her mom.
- Got a sec, Dad?

Sure.

OK, all messages from now on.

Yes, texts, e-mails, WhatsApps, calls.

Have you all turned your PINs off?
- Yes!

Simon, yours is still in flight mode.
- Thanks, teach.

I always do that during dinner.

How dumb of me.

Can you lend me money?
- Why couldn't you ask in there?

Mom. She's a pain.
- What is it now?

The usual.
- How much?

One euro? Two?
- A bit more.

No social media. No
second phones, right?

You're going overboard.
It's just a game.

Russian roulette
is just a game too, Bianca.

The first text!
- Simon.

Who's reading it?

Out loud.
- Yes.

What is it?

"I want your body"?

Who's that from?

No idea.
- This is starting off just great.

I said we shouldn't play.
- Too late.

Who sent it?
I don't know the number?

Someone must've
texted the wrong number.

UNKNOWN CALLER

Now that number is calling.

Answer it.
- I don't know who it is!

Answer it, please.
- Fine.

Hello?

Speaker phone.

Hello, who is this?

Say something or I'll hang up.

Who the hell is this?

Filthy pig!

Rocco!
- You're such an asshole!

The biggest asshole!
- It was a joke.

I knew it the whole time.
- We noticed.

The look on your face!
- Epic! Just epic!

Stop saying "epic".
You're in your mid-40s.

Dad, can I get my phone back?
- Fo' shizzle.

You going to say bye?
- I was going to. Bye, Mother.

She's not always that way.
- Yes, she's in a good mood.

Difficult age.

Simon, you're such an expert on kids.

I think he'll manage just fine.

Manage what?
- Are you pregnant?

What? - No, I'm not. But
we're working on it.

It's more of a hobby than work.
- Here's to that!

There's nothing to drink to yet.

Then to getting a good screw.

Yes!
- What?

You think no one else is screwing?

So you two still screw
like on day one?

I don't know. I don't keep a diary.

Housework, kids... No matter.

A modern husband like Leo never tires.

Unlike you, I don't
just cook on Sundays.

Let's drink to making babies.

Kids are the best thing in life,
despite perineal tears.

Cheers.

Kids are the best thing in life.
Can you explain that to me?

People marry and have kids, Pepe.

So if I'm divorced and have no kids,
I'm not a person?

I can ask.
- He's gone philosophical.

Time to add seasoning.
- Don't poison yourself!

You and Anna decided against kids?

She didn't freeze any of her eggs
before menopause?

No, but it's absurd to think
that a life without kids is senseless.

I get that it's convenient
for couples who need purpose, but...

That's not why I want a kid.

Why then?
- To make the world better.

My kid might clean the ocean
or cure cancer.

Sure.
- Well...

Point taken.
I forgot how esoteric you are.

But a couple isn't really complete
without kids.

So two people can't be truly happy?

Tragic.
- Egotist.

So? I give my own life meaning.

He's right. Having kids
can be selfish. - See.

Some couples are afraid of ageing
and hope for a second life via kids.

What bull! It's great to have a kid.
I wish I'd had more.

You don't even have kids.
- 30. Every day.

Yeah, but then you send them home.
- Thank God!

Laugh all you want, but my favorite part
of the day is when I put the kids to bed.

It warms my heart
when they stroke my face

and tell me how much they love me.

Really, I feel nothing
but joy, joy, joy.

Soon they'll say, "Mom, you make me
cringe, cringe, cringe."

No offense, but I'm not sure
you can judge it as a weekend mom.

No offense, but I'm not sure
you can judge a working mom

if you've never been able
to hold down a job.

Anyway, I can hardly wait.

With condoms and alcohol at 12,
yours will be out of the house fast.

SABINE CELL NEW

My sister. What now?
- Answer it.

Hey, Sabine.
- Speaker phone.

Hello, Pepe?

Don't say anything embarrassing,
you're on speaker.

Loser!

Why am I on speaker phone?
- Because we're playing a game.

No, you can't warn her like that.
- What kind of game?

I'm at Rocco and Eva's.
- Great!

Forget it.
- Hi, Bine!

- Hello, Sabine.
- Hello, Sabine!

Hello, everyone.
I'll call back when you're alone.

It's about the job in Heidelberg.
- I don't want to go there.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.
- Yep, bye.

Yeah, sorry. I screwed it up.
- Definitely.

Everyone get the rules now?
- It just went really fast.

What job in Heidelberg? - My sister
found a job at a school there.

But you nearly have tenure.

Yes, but my school isn't that...

I don't deal well
with the snobby kids.

Didn't you say you liked being
at a conservative school

because stabbings are rare?

I've changed my mind.

Too much pressure.

No offense, but my friend Silke
teaches at two schools.

She'd do anything for tenure.

More money, private health insurance,
a secure pension.

You want to give up tenure
because your job's too hard?

Isn't that's a little arrogant?
- Leave him be.

Not everyone's so career driven.
Let him chill in the teachers' lounge.

If every call is going to turn into
a moral discussion I'll need...

More wine!
- Bianca, will you shake it?

I sent out applications.
Something good will come.

Was it a real dispute? What happened?
Did you screw a senior or something?

Yeah, that's enough.

It's good to stay on the move.
It's the only way to go nowadays.

I rolled up my sleeves,
gave up my business and bought a taxi.

We should all follow your example.
- And go broke every six months.

Yeah, go on, laugh.
I've got another plan in the works.

I put my taxi license up for sale.

You haven't even paid it off yet.
- Why didn't you tell me?

I was going to.
- Yeah, but when?

Baby, it's still just an idea.
- It always is, at first.

Yeah, but it's the right one.
- Always is.

People, the world is changing.

Uber, car2go, ever heard of them?

In a few years taxis won't exist.
I'm looking ahead, into the future.

Like with the cigarette photos.

What does she mean?
- That was different.

You never told her
you were a lifestyle model?

Eva, let it rest.
- No.

OK, he was booked on a shoot
for a cigarette company,

for the warning photos on the packs.

He was in a bed made
up pale and got...

- Oxygen tubes
- He had them in his nose.

And... What was the other theme?

There wasn't one.
- There was.

Impotence.
- Yes!

He was in bed with a frustrated woman

and he was looking down very sadly
at his family jewels.

He kept that from me.

They said it was just for Russia.

They didn't say the damn photos
would be all over Europe.

He tried to buy all the packs up
because people kept asking

if he had cancer.

Why only mention the lows?
I had umpteen brilliant ideas.

Yes, breeding pedigree dogs.

Yorkshire terrier for 9,000 euros.
- The idea was good.

I can't help it
if the bitch screwed a Great Dane!

The puppies' legs
were way too long.

Mm. Looks good, huh?

Yo.

What are those deformed things?

Ravioli, you bastard.

What did you fill them with, loser.
- I don't remember.

Better than your mortar there.

Do you have cocoa powder?
- Of course, there.

Real cocoa, not industrial crap.

We hardly eat any sugar anymore.

I brought a granola bar
to the playground recently,

the moms nearly stoned me.

So paternity leave is...

Not as fun as it looks
on my Facebook page.

Don't tell Eva, but I got a job offer.

My old company needs a draftsman.
But I can't.

If I tell Carlotta paternity
leave sucks, she'll flip!

You got a big-time women's libber.
- I know.

I don't get how other fathers do it.

I try to conform. I bought linen
clothes so I look a bit more eco.

They don't accept you
if you don't reek of gender equality.

Sometimes I leave baby puke on my
clothes so the moms respect me.

Great taste!
How much longer to go?

We agreed to talk about it in six
months. That was a year ago.

I feel so useless, Rocco,
and then the money crap.

If we had more dough,
we'd hire three nannies.

Like Simon will be doing soon.

Simon? Why?

His little lady is filthy rich.

Know what her grandma left her?
- Why did he tell you and not me?

I saw an inheritance thing
at his place and he told me.

She never has to work again.

Her grandma inherited
her husband's patent for train brakes.

Bet he's waiting for the wedding
to get his own credit card.

The jerk kept that secret.
- Come on!

You don't tell us everything either.

What do you mean?

Drop the act.

Who is it?

Oh, no.
- Oh, God.

Oh, no!

My father.

Your lover? This early?
- My father!

Speaker phone.

Hello, Dad.
- Hello, Eva. How are you?

Great. We're dining with friends.
- I'll keep it brief.

I spoke to professor Blanchard. He
said he can do the surgery in Munich.

I'll send his number so you can call
him. - Perfect. Thanks. Say hi to Mom.

Bye, my angel.
- Ciao.

What kind of surgery?

Nothing serious.
Augmentation mammoplasty.

Breast enlargement.
- You're getting your boobs done?

Yes, I'm getting a boob job.

Why didn't you tell me?

But you're a psychotherapist?

So?
- A therapist doesn't get a boob job.

Why not? I don't like mine.
- Shouldn't you accept yourself as is?

Seriously? A woman who gets a boob job
doesn't accept herself?

No.

Not really.

I accept everything about myself,
except my tits.

A shrink with big boobs
would unsettle me.

Isn't it a distraction?
You lie there with your...

Leo, they're going to be normal sized.

Why doesn't Rocco do it?
- Yeah, it'd be a lot cheaper.

Because Mr. Chief Resident
only wants the best for his daughter.

It has to be
VIP surgeon Professor Blanchard.

Not just anyone, like me,

who does two breasts
for the price of one!

Nonsense! - Come on. Your
dad thinks I'm a failure.

Yeah, right. Done with your issues?
- Well, you both seem to have issues.

Doing your wife's breasts isn't sexy.

Cut me open, then a few weeks
later they're supposed to turn you on?

That's a valid point. - Last
word, I don't think you need it.

He complimented you.

It's probably the full moon.

But Eva's right.

Imagine how weird it'd be if he was
in therapy with you, it'd be...

unthinkable.

He finds therapy unthinkable as it is.

What deters me is that it takes
so long, but I'd try it.

Because you'd get to babble
the whole time.

"Floor exercises scare me. I'm afraid
of touching a schoolgirl's butt."

Shut up, Leo!

Rocco thinks psychoanalysis is
baloney. That my job is pointless.

Why do you say that?
- You secretly think it.

Our jobs aren't so different.

You see to the brain, I see to breasts.
We both want people to feel better.

The difference is it takes me hours,
and it takes you years.

Why don't you do it this way,
Blanchard does one tit

and Rocco does the other.

Without knowing which is which.
- Then you say which is better.

No, her dad has to decide that,
"Dad, Dad!

Which tit is French?"

Don't panic. It's the pumpkin.

Relax. Should we do kitchen duty?
- Yes.

OK, the sauce is in
the pan next to it.

I need a smoke after that tit-talk. Pepe?
- No, I'm digesting the bland food.

Come on now!
I don't want to get cancer alone.

Oh, God!
- Ew! What's he making?

I don't know.

Oh, disgusting! It's coming back up!

The food! When did he start cooking?

Is it a new thing? A midlife crisis?

The moon looks incredible.

It's a bit complicated...
- No, it's simple.

Since the light source, the sun,
and the Earth are convex,

on the side facing away from...
- Listen, before you go full teacher mode.

So, I have an acquaintance.

A really silly thing, meaningless,
not even worth mentioning.

Whoa! I have no tolerance anymore.

Nicotine rush, like back then.

Can we? I'm trying to tell you...
- You have an acquaintance.

A bit more than an acquaintance.

And every evening at nine
she sends me...

A goodnight message?

Mm-hmm.
And sometimes she sends a...

A lil photo.

Pardon me?

A little photo.
A little photo with her on it, OK?

It's nearly nine, looks bad for you.

You have to help me.
We have the same phone.

You just take mine.
No one will notice.

Just for the photo.
- Then I'll get the photo!

You're single.
- Not anymore!

OK, just say it's Anna.
- And if you guys ever meet her?

You could've said no to playing!
- I tried.

Did you see Carlotta's face?

I'd have been screwed
if I hadn't played.

What's taking you guys so long?

Catching up.
Haven't seen him in a while.

Help me out?
- Don't drag me into it.

She'll leave me and take the kids.

My kids! Do you know how many doctors
were involved in having those kids?

Besides, you're a godfather.
- Oh God. To which one?

Both, if you don't do this.

What kind of a photo? Nothing kinky?

No, harmless.
- OK.

Yesterday she sent a pic
of her in her Pluto pajamas.

Pluto?

How old is she?

I don't really know.

She's older than she looks.

Save me, Pepe.

No.

Is it better?
- No idea. I can't cook.

Oh, God!
- Do you need help?

No!
- This is inedible.

Oh, no! Careful!

Crap! I dropped the sauce!

The delicious gorgonzola sauce!

That's mine! It's mine!

Who is it?
- "Mouse."

Who?
- A mouse.

Mickey Mouse, asking about Pluto.

Who's "Mouse"?

Katja. Katja, my girlfriend from
school. No reason for that tone.

We've called each other "Mouse"
since kindergarten.

Yeah...
- Yeah.

Hi, Mouse.
- Hey, Mouse!

Sorry I couldn't get back to you. I'm
still on vacation. You calmed down?

Yes, it's not pressing.
- I was thinking.

Maybe part of the problem is that
he's not satisfying you orally.

It takes me a while to get going too.
Have you two spoken about that?

No, I...

Honestly, I haven't broached that.

With Klausi, I put on a sex documentary.
When the part about oral sex comes on,

I laugh really loudly and say,
"Oh, God! That's so true!"

Then run to the kitchen
and give him time to process it.

Moritz,
leave your brother alone!

He might rewind it, and voila'!
You have a sex life again.

We have one. It's not that... - That's
not what you said the other day.

Ah, I get it, you can't talk.
Call me later. Mouse kiss!

Mouse kiss.

Yes, surprise! I talk to my
best friend about our sex life.

Is that so bad? - Your
non-existent sex life, you mean?

I can't imagine that.
Leo, you seem so virile.

Shut your mouths!
What kind of things do you tell her?

Well, actually...

everything.

So you describe all my moves
in bed and I get graded on them?

If you do make a move, then yes.

At the moment it's about
why you're making fewer moves.

I'm sure you guys know
what I'm talking about.

Or not.

Leo, don't take it personally.

It's natural,
especially with little kids.

Talking helps.
Maybe not in front of us, but...

Why not? The game's about honesty.
We don't screw enough.

And we drink too much.

I think your life's exhausting.

Maybe you don't
make time for each other.

But you can still get it up, right?

Why does everyone think it's my fault?

How many texts did I have to write
to get you home before nine today?

And you're mom's always there.

And if it gets too late,
she won't take the train home.

So she sleeps on our couch
in a room with no door.

Of course nothing happens.

What's this got to do with my mom?
- She's always there, Leo.

It's like she lives with us.
- She helps!

Having parents around
is no good for the libido.

Of course you don't
bang each other through the wall.

Bang each other through the wall?

I'd like to try that sometime.

I couldn't stand your mother sleeping
at our place more than twice a year.

Me neither.

Why are you all on her side?
- Your Mom's a nag.

She used to belt us
more than our own parents did.

Yes, she's fiery.

Yeah.

Maybe you can
send her home now and then,

even when it gets too late for her.

And when you talk to Mouse,
get some advice for yourself.

Sometimes it feels like a cartoon.

You blow me like Donald Duck

eating corn on the cob at light speed.

We can go practice now.

Who's helping me with the next course?
- I have to pee.

I didn't want to embarrass you.
I hope you know that.

It's forgotten.

I just want things to get better.

I really believe in us.

The myth says people had round torsos,
four hands, four feet and two faces.

Zeus wanted to weaken them
so he cut them in two halves.

The result was us, two-legged people.

So the theory is that...

all our lives we seek our other half
that was violently torn from us.

In that story Aristophanes
preempts Freud

in saying that sex drive is the need
to return to a primeval state.

I knew that.
- Yes.

Plato elegantly explained
why men can't leave it in their pants.

You're so cynical!

Doesn't he mean people search
for a soulmate to complete them?

Yes, we've all found ours.

But maybe everything is predetermined
and we can't decide who we love.

Message for Simon.
- From whom?

Marika.

"Urgent. Call me."
- With three exclamation marks.

Who is Marika?
- Kind of a hussy's name.

Marika works in the cab office.

You know.

"Leopold Street and George Street,
ten minutes.

Old lady with a stoma bag."

Call her. We're curious about Marika.

She'll force me to take a shift.

It's sure to be a schedule change,
some emergency.

Sweet how she defends you.
Freshly engaged!

Hey, don't just take that. Call her.

And if she asks me to fill in?
It'll ruin our whole weekend.

No, we're invited to my parents.

You could save your weekend
with one call.

My parents love Simon.

My mom even gave him
a Kabbalistic baptism.

Besides, Marika isn't my type.

She's trashy, with tattoos
and embarrassing fake breasts.

Thanks.
- No, I mean they look abnormal.

Not subtle and tasteful breasts
like you're planning.

Her last name? Maybe
I did her knockers.

Pepe?

An lnstagram DM.
- We said no social media.

If it beeps,
then we want to know what it is.

A "CleoDreamON" wrote to you.

"So sweet of you. What are
you up for?" - Right.

This could get awkward.

Tell me, Cleo is... how old?

Look.
- Oh, God.

15.

You're kidding!

That explains the new job.
- No, I...

I have a student, Lukas, he's...
He's mathematically gifted.

But he's socially awkward.
- So you have a connection?

He's a nerd with no clue about girls.
He gave me his account.

I'm getting him a date with his crush.

I'm his Cyrano. It's nothing sleazy.

Who's dumb enough
to have you pick up girls for them?

Someone seeking lasting happiness.

You are a bit particular, Pepe.

How long did it take to get
with Verena? Six months?

We had to go bowling with you
before you'd make your move.

I'll read the thread.

Right, "Hi."
Her, "Hi back."

Him, "Yo, yo, how's it going?"
Her, "OK, and you?"

Him, "Kicking it at
the bowling alley!"

What? - His slang is
better than yours, Rocco.

You have to stop before it gets out
or she'll write Lukas off.

I was going to suggest
they go shopping.

Ew! No.
- No!

At 13 you don't want to shop with a
boy. Watch a DVD. Do DVDs still exist?

Compliment her.

No, can't do that.
- Hey!

It doesn't sound like you
have problems with your kids.

You have to trust a teacher
to ask him to do that.

Paule.

"Soccer Thursday?"

"Soccer Thursday," confirmed.
- Pepe, "Soccer Thursday."

Got it.

How come I didn't get one?

No network, maybe.
- Yeah.

Let the pro take a shot at this.
So, Lukas.

"Me again."

"if we hang Saturday

we could ask a couple other wusses..."

Are you nuts! Rocco!
- Oh, boy!

Rocco!
If they want to watch DVDs...

with us.

And order pizza."
- He'll kill me!

Rocco!
- "It's on me."

No, don't!
- And send...

Done.
- You guys are sick.

She's typing!

"It's a deal, loser." Boom!
Who's over 40 now?

I still haven't gotten a text
about soccer.

Maybe you're out of data.

You jerks don't want me there, do you?

You only ask me when you
need a goalie. - No!

Turn it off and then back on.

Don't be so shitty to him.

Oh, no!
- I'm sure it'll come out with salt.

I'm sorry.
- It's all over the carpet.

I switched our phones.
- Seriously?

All over his face.
- I usually never hit my target.

Oh, man.

You nervous?

I'm enjoying it-

You haven't been this affectionate
in a long time.

I thought soccer with Paule
was always on Wednesday?

Sometimes we move it.

You've always gone
on Wednesdays recently.

It's no use. I'll change shirts.

Someone got a Telegram.
A Telegram, for you.

Right, I recently installed Telegram.
I wonder what I got.

A photo from "X".

Attention, attention!
It probably isn't Anna.

Why are you making that weird voice?
- As accompaniment.

Who is "X"? Single mother, colleague?

Or just a snack between meals?

Just an acquaintance.

We sometimes send each other photos,
for fun.

Yes, show us.
- It's load...

Fuck!

Hey! Your screen.
- What? It's mine.

What's with you?
- Nothing.

And the photo?
- It's private.

We're playing.
- Nothing's private tonight.

Hand off.
- No.

Take your hand off!

Let go.

You've lost it!
- Everyone gets to look!

Dude, Pepe!
- Rocco!

Rocco! You have to look at this.

One sec.
- What? Am I not allowed to see it?

You broke the screen!
- We got a photo!

Who for?
- Guess... Pepe.

Oh!
- You're a doctor.

How's that physically possible?
No, no!

What's up and what's down?
- Let us see!

It's not for girls.

How can you be so flexible?

She's doing Pilates, naked!

She seems to have no hip joint.
- Must be the sun salutation.

Wow! You really know your yoga.
- Watch it!

Is it Anna?
- What? No! I won't look at it.

Is this your girlfriend?
- No, it's not.

You think I'd date a girl like that?
- I take it back. You had a long drought.

Now you're a flirting expert
with girlfriends and a lover.

OK. Now chill.
- Did you see it, Leo?

Yes, I saw it.

No reason for false modesty.
- We don't blame you.

I am a bit disappointed.

What about Anna? - He deserves
some fun after his drought.

Let's hear it for the unknown hussy!

The contestant gets 1,000 points.

Whose phone was that?
- Yours.

Mine? Oh, yeah.

You have a frog ringtone? - May have
switched itself during bad sex.

Hannes! "How's it going?"

Nice.
- Who's Hannes?

One of the playground parents.

You've never mentioned him.

If you had taken leave
you wouldn't miss any playground talk.

If you had a job that brought in money
I probably would have.

Aren't you going to answer him?
- No.

I don't want to fuss,
but I don't get not answering.

If someone's worried, just text back.
"Everything's fine. I'm at home."

Yeah, maybe.

But he's not home.

That's also true.

Just write that you're with friends.

Why should he write where he is?

Is there no privacy anymore?

Remember when calls started with, "How
are you?" Now it's, "Where are you?"

"Where are you?"
It's nobody's business where I am.

Why do you have to let everyone know
where you are? How is that his business?

Why are you flipping out?
- These damn things are ruining us.

They rob us of our privacy.

But we decide if we play along,
or if we finally stop this!

OK.

Good. Then I just won't answer him.

Then you just won't answer him.

I'm sure Hannes hasn't had
this much attention in a long time.

Rudi!

Lunar eclipses don't
just make dogs edgy.

Whose phone was that?
- Rocco's.

OK.

ONE NEW E-MAIL

Hey!

What?

Account debited.

Surprise! I booked our
vacation house in Majorca!

You're such a stupid jerk.

Party!

You'll have to lend me some money.

Bianca can lend you some.

You inherited money, right?

Yes, and I wanted to ask you guys,
because you know about investing.

But I'm thinking of just donating it.

Grandma wanted it to go to a good cause.
We don't need more money, right honey?

We have each other.

Exactly how I see it.

Who will you donate it to?
- There are some great...

It's starting!
Lunar eclipse, anyone?

Yay!

The phones stay on the table!
- Can I take mine for a photo?

Just you. No one else.

That everything?

Doesn't the vastness of the universe
make you feel small and insignificant?

It's creepy, right? - Uh-uh. I
think it's magical. The moon!

Why do lunar eclipses fascinate everyone?
I mean, it's fun and all, but...

It shows things aren't as they seem.
The moon doesn't shine on its own.

Or because it's the only time the moon
can finally deal with its own stuff.

We have to make sure Bianca writes
in our poetry album later.

OK, group selfie?
- Yes.

Right.

With the moon.
- Hold it horizontally.

With your wine? We might send
it to Mom! - Really, Carlotta!

Simon, you're cut off.

Let me do it.
- OK.

Right. Everyone good?
- Yes. Smile, please!

Three, two...

MATTI: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

What does he want at this hour?
- No idea.

Who's Matti?
- Ex-boyfriend.

Why do you have him saved as "Matti"?
- It's his nickname.

So save him as "Matthias"
and his last name.

Simon, it's her ex.

That's why I think
a cutesy name is inappropriate.

Never trust exes.
- Never give up, like the Japanese.

Especially if they didn't end it.
- Who did?

Me.
- Him.

Can we stop talking?
I can't grin any longer.

All right.

Three, two...

MATTI: I WANT TO FUCK.

What the hell?
- I can explain.

Explain what?
He wrote, "I want to fuck."

It could be autocorrect.
- Shut up!

Simon, I don't feel trusted. If I
tell you it means nothing, then...

"I'm really horny right now."
- Yes.

The messages aren't for me.
- Oh, so it's a group chat?

He forwards me texts
from the girl he's dating.

I help him answer.
He's into her, she just wants sex.

Sometimes I help him
with his answers.

Do you believe me or not?
- Can you prove it?

I think Bianca should call Matti.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Then prove it!

Leo, we have to switch phones.
- How?

You broke the screen! They'll know.
- Shit!

Why did you flip out
about that damn answer?

Thanks for calling.
Sorry to bother you, Bibi.

Keep it short. I'm at Simon's
friends', that nice surgeon.

Man, more couples dates?

That's how it is when you get old.
- Is the therapist being a pain?

Or is she controlling her bitchiness?

I never said she was bitchy.

You said "winter is coming"
when she enters a room.

We have to get to know each other.

But today she's trying really hard.

Did your new crush write
that she wanted sex?

Yeah, what should I do?

Don't go to hers.
- But I want to!

No, no, no! Tell her you're out
but you have time next weekend.

Make it clear
that you want something serious.

But she's so hot.
- Hotter than me?

Definitely. OK, I'll try it.

So it's better if she
doesn't see it yet? - Yes.

She'll cope with it better
once she really knows you.

Bye. LYSM.

Satisfied?

I don't mean to scare you,
but the next course is ready.

Chicken!

Mexican chocolate chicken.
- Mm...

Yummy!

Philistines!
This is international cuisine.

Sorry.

You normally tell me every little thing,
but not that you still talk to your ex.

I never said I didn't.

You have to stop with the jealousy.
It really stifles me.

He still wants to screw you. Period.
- Nonsense.

I don't call my ex-girlfriends.
- Yeah, they'd all rather see you dead.

What does he mean?
What problem does he have?

He's got acne.
- Oh! She lied.

Definitely. Here eyelid's twitching.
- Stop!

Say it.

What? It's unfair to talk about him.
He's not here.

I want to know.

Does he want a piece
of the inheritance?

You're really burning to know,
aren't you?

He has an extremely large penis,
if you really want to know.

Why is that a problem?

No, really.

We're not talking about very big
or particularly big, he's... Yeah.

HOW big?

Tell us. How big?

Just say it.

Like this.

Look, Leo, nearly as big as yours.

It's scared women off in the past.

That's why he...
- How long were you together?

Two years.
- Do you miss him?

I bet you fell into a deep hole.

No, I didn't.
It was just a long haul with him.

No, no, no! I mean...

He was slow. He was a bit stupid.

You said he was a
kind of feminine guy.

I said he was sensitive.

That's what I said. Like you!

If it bothers you I'll call
and say we can't be in touch.

That'd be nice, yeah.
- Good.

Simon will be happy
and you can keep calling him secretly.

If I say I'm not going to call him,
I won't, Eva.

It's absurd. He's your friend.
Why shouldn't you stay in touch?

You have to trust her, Simon.

I do trust her.

But I can say if it pisses me off.

Who wants the first helping?

You.

But I don't have room for much more.

There.

Lots of vegetables, please.

But won't you miss
having all that meat?

I had a patient, when she woke up
the silicon was all on one side.

She had to knead her lips
until she looked normal again.

Really. It's true!

Sophie.

You think something happened?

Hi, honey. You OK?
- Hey, Dad.

I'm fine. You got a moment?
- Sure, what is it?

I don't quite know
how to say this, but...

Maik's parents are away.
He asked if I wanted to sleep over.

No, she should come home!

You still there?

Yes, yes I am.

What do you want to do?
- I don't know.

I kind of want to,
but I didn't expect it.

A bit, but maybe not tonight.
And if I don't go he might get mad.

Don't go because you think
he might get mad.

That can't be the reason.
- I know.

I'd like to tell you not to do it.

Don't ever do it.

Stay my little girl forever.

Oh, Dad!

But I'll tell you one thing.

This night will be important.

What might happen will be a memory
that stays with you your whole life.

It's not something to tell
your friends tomorrow.

If you think the memory of this night
will always make you smile, do it.

But if you're not sure
that it's the right time,

then don't do it.
Wait.

You still have so much time.

You know what?
- Hm?

Forget it.
- Just say it.

I was so embarrassed
when you gave me the condoms.

I wanted to curl up and die.

I didn't give them to you to use now.
- Come on, Dad.

You have a sixth sense and
always get me, unlike Mom.

If I go to Maik's,
tell Mom I'm at Klara 's.

Why don't you tell her?

What?
- The truth.

Yeah, right!

Sophie, you have to talk to her.
You know I keep asking you to.

She'll just get angry and not listen.

You need to catch her
at the right time.

Listen to me and talk to her about it.

You're so crazy about Mom that you
don't get what a silly cow she is.

Maik is coming. I have to go.
- Sophie?

You did a good job.

Yeah, you can tell you're in therapy.

Bianca!

Beg your pardon?

Oh, no.

Did you tell her that?

Me? No.

Of course you did.

But just Bianca.
- And I only told Pepe, I swear.

And I only told Leo.

Yeah, nobody tells me anything.

You chatterboxes.

I'm sorry.

He's going to therapy, not a brothel.
It's good.

Therapy?

Since when?

About six months.

That's quite a long time.

Wednesdays.

Are you angry?
- No.

Yes. Yes I am. A little.

You never wanted it. You flipped out
when I proposed couples therapy.

I needed some time to realize...
- This is very surprising.

Rudi!

What are you doing?

Maybe therapy won't help,
but I want to try it.

Then we know we tried everything.
- So? Is it helping?

You tell me.

Just stop that.

I have learned one thing.
- What's that?

How to de-escalate.
- And how?

By not seeing every dispute
as a battle for supremacy.

Yielding isn't a sign
of weakness at all.

A lasting relationship requires
both people to take a step back

in order to move forward.

But the secret is it
has to be both, Eva.

I don't want us to wind up
like Barbie and Ken.

You full of plastic and me nut-less.

Time for dessert!
- We're starving!

I thought this great night
could use some Love Boat vibes.

Mm!
'so Pretty,

Wow!

You like it, too?

The frog again.

Hannes wants you to answer.
- Crazy. The guy's annoying.

"Having dinner with friends.

We'll talk tomorrow...

morning."

It's really yummy, Leo.
- There's more in the kitchen.

You know we have to read
every text we get.

He wrote, "Asshole."

Is he nuts? Why would he write that?

A stranger doesn't write "asshole"
for no reason.

Maybe I forgot a date. No idea,
a kid's birthday or something.

But this Hannes
wouldn't happen to be a Hanna?

I've been waiting for that.
Of course not.

Is that him?

Answer it.

We all want to know why he's so mad.

Speaker phone, please.

Hello.

You don't have to answer
in such a meek voice.

Why didn't you tell me
you were going out?

A fever... Yeah, right!

Hello? Hello?

Typical.
Nothing to say for yourself?

Listen, you don't even know
if you like men or women. Screw you!

How wrong can you be?
The guy's totally nuts.

What are you looking at?

Lotti, the... The guy's a fruit.

A bisexual. A confused father
who likes me, that's all.

Why didn't you tell me that?
- Because it's silly.

It's a guy from the playground.
The kids like each other.

Maybe I gave him an apple slice too
many and he thinks I'm into him.

Did anything happen between you two?
- Have you lost it?

It's not a complicated question.
- Of course not!

Like what?

I don't even know how,
or who sticks what where.

Simon, say something.

It's true, fags imagine
everyone wants a piece of them.

They've hit on me too.
Look two seconds too long and...

Profound analysis.

It's happened to me too.
A guy trying in the sauna...

What is this homophobic crap?
- It's true.

I want to know if anything happened.
- Lotti, it's me.

We've been together for eight years.

Do you think I'd let somebody
give to me from behind?

I thought you didn't know
who stuck what where?

Carlotta, look at me.

Look at me!

Can you picture me
in the playground bushes

letting someone fuck me?

You really think your husband
would do something that sick?

Not that I have anything against it.
Everyone should do as they please.

I'm just into women.

One woman.

I swear to you, me and this...

Hannes.
- Hannes. We never did anything.

Don't obsess over this thing.

Hannes.

What did he write?

Umm... Uh... I...

I don't know...

what exactly...

He wrote, "I miss your kisses."

Do you think he's gay?

Oh, God!

What a fucked up game.

Are you a homo?

Hey, it's OK.

It's out now.

How can I explain...
- It's easy to explain.

Don't explain anything.
Just stop talking.

Why that tone of voice?

This is actually...
- No. I want to know Simon's problem.

You've been feeding us bullshit
for 20 years.

It doesn't look like
he wants to talk.

So are you upset because I'm gay
or because I didn't tell you I was?

Because I've know you all my life,
but apparently I don't really know you

He's the same guy.

He hasn't changed.

He's the one you
shared everything with.

He's your friend, Simon.
- Yes.

But he left out one thing
he should have told me.

Should have?

I slept in the same bed with you!
I showered with you.

I showed you my dick
when I thought I had the clap!

When was that?
- Shut your trap, Rocco!

It wasn't pretty.
- But you kind of liked it, huh?

I should've known
when you saw Titanic umpteen times.

Listen to yourself.
That's why I never said it.

Don't brand me homophobic.
I want to know if my friend's gay.

So I can decide if it suits me.

I want to know!
- So you can decide if it suits you?

Do you realize what you're saying?

Do you realize what you didn't say?

Why isn't anyone else saying anything?
- You're talking bull, Simon.

OK.

If you all think it's normal,
then I'm the strange one here.

It's all just in my head.
It was a huge misunderstanding. Sorry.

The misunderstanding
is thinking we're friends.

Stop drinking, Simon.

Your dick looked like cauliflower.

I wouldn't have sucked it for money!
- My dick looks good!

Stop drinking.
- What? No! Shit!

I have a very attractive cock.

You can apologize to it, asshole!

Hey! Stop it, damn it!

Go for a smoke, Leo.

Stop drinking.

Wait, Eva?
What's the bright side of this?

Leo was probably just
drunk and curious.

Men entering midlife doubt everything.
Maybe he just wanted to escape.

It's still cheating, Eva.

It depends what you expect.

I mean, do you really think you'll
still be sucking face in 20 years?

Yes.

Simon and I are soul mates.

Do you really believe in
a perfect relationship?

All my life.

He's not cheating with a woman.

He's not doubting your relationship,
but himself.

That's why he's so bad at soccer.

Are you prepared to forgive him?

That's the only way
you can tackle the problem.

The only problem is that jerk
misses my husband's body.

They butt-fuck each other!

He's a faggot!
- Enough.

Why?
I can say that, I am married to him!

Oh, fuck it!

Not really a surprise, is it?

I mean,
you haven't touched me for months.

You're cold and distant.

I was sure you were cheating
with some slut like Pepe has.

That would have at least made sense.

I'm sorry I've disappointed you.

How long has it been going on, Leo?

How long?
Now tell me the damn truth.

Not very long.

May I...
- No.

And how many?

How many what?
- Before him. How many before him?

None.

Hannes was the only one.

Let's talk at home.
- We can do it here.

Tell us about Hannes,
about his nice firm ass.

Did he ask you to wax your chest
so it's all smooth?

Go on! Tell your best friends.
They might want to know!

We're leaving!
- Screw you! Leave without me.

Faruk Jewelers.

Let it ring.

He's coming.

She's nuts.

Faruk, what's up?
- I've been trying to reach you.

Check your voicemail.
- I've been busy.

I wanted to ask if she liked the ring.
- Yes.

Yes, she did. - I told you
that diamond looks damn real.

Cool.
- Faruk, it's a bad time.

And did she like the earrings?
- Yes.

Great. How you going to pay?
- I have to go.

Don't forget again.

Who liked the earrings?

You.

I don't wear earrings.

My ears aren't pierced.

Yeah, that's why I...

That's why I didn't give them to you.

Why are you lying to me?

Huh?

No. When did I lie to you?

Just now.

Guys, I'm sick of this fucking game.

Everyone takes things the wrong way.

Who were the damn earrings for?
- Nobody!

Pick up.
- It's Marika. It'll be another shift.

Pick up, Simon.

Put it back.

Give me the phone.

Put the damn thing back!

Sorry to call you at this hour,

but I'm totally panicking.

I'm in the bathroom
and the test has two lines.

That means it's positive, right?
- What?

I think I'm pregnant.

Simon, you still there?

Say something!
- It's not true.

Don't touch me!
- Are you there? Simon?

Bianca.

Bianca!

Open up! Carlotta, let me talk to her.

How is she?

Not too good.

We just got engaged.
We constantly have sex.

Can you tell me
where Marika fits into all that?

I don't know. I really don't know.

I wanted to do it
better than my parents.

I didn't want to be an old mother.

I never questioned him
when he came home late.

I would have even accepted if he
told me he was missing something.

Like Leo.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

Bianca, you're better than him.

Don't let this break you.
Will you promise me that?

Beat it!

Carlotta, it's me.

You can definitely fuck off.
- You have a message.

Your boss wants to know
if you, "Did it, you sexy bitch."

Let's call back.

Leo,

this is really silly.

Leo!

Steiger wants to meet you and
negotiate. We got the account!

Sharon Stone!

Great! I'm with friends right now.
- Oh, right.

I hope you put panties on.

I still have yours in my pur...

You're not wearing panties?
- Inside joke.

Show me.

Go! Leo, no!

Show me!
- OK! I'm not wearing underwear.

I was in a meeting
with no underwear on, OK?

And that job
gives your life meaning again?

So that's what you call
women's empowerment?

Didn't you give a MeToo speech there?
- Yes.

It was a big success.

Then you go to a meeting without
undies to turn on a client?

We were drunk. It was Britta's idea.
It was a silly game.

To bait the client, so he'd bite.
He has a huge budget and...

Have you no pride?

If your boss asks that of you
it's not a serious job.

I'm the only mother in the office.

I heard the others saying I lack drive
and energy and reek of baby powder.

God! I couldn't get out of it.
You think I did it voluntarily?

And if he had wanted more?

That's right, I may have
prostituted myself to feed us.

I make quite a few bad decisions,
like getting married.

Carlotta,
I put your reward in your purse.

Don't snort it all at once.

Is this...

You see what this is?
- Good Lord, just to wake up.

I rarely do it,
and if I do I only snort it.

I feel much better knowing
you hardly ever do cocaine.

How sick is your job?

What kind of advertising agency is it?
Did you know this? Eva?

If you don't join in, you're a bore.

I quit my job to wipe our kids' asses
so you can do coke with no panties on?

OK. Do you all want to know a secret?

I think it sucks to work
when you have kids.

OK.
- Yes.

I thought it was my duty
as an emancipated woman.

All my girlfriends
have careers and kids.

I thought taking maternity leave
would be self-serving.

But I really wanted to make baby food
and hear them say "Mom" the first time.

Praise be, Carlotta.

Instead I get to hear your mother

telling me I'm a workaholic
and my kids don't recognize me.

Henri recently said "Bye" to me.

He thought my name was "Bye"!

Why haven't you told me that?

Look how Eva looks at me
when I tell the truth.

"God, Carlotta,
the old-fashioned homemaker,

making baby food and shaming the
women who fought for equal rights."

Well, I don't get it. I hope you're
drunk and regret it tomorrow.

Sadly, I'm not drunk at all.

But I'd rather fall for dumb ads
in stores than have to think them up!

I admit it.
I want to be a nurturing mother.

To give them milk
and hand out apple slices.

And to maybe find time in between
to write a novel.

You said it won't pay.
- So what?

Hera Lind had loads of kids
and wrote novels in her garage.

But four weeks after I pushed twins
out of my vagina

I had to squeeze into a business suit,

and play "coke poker"
with 20-year-olds.

I hid the pump in the trash and went
to meetings with my tits ready to burst!

Well, I didn't know that.

Under certain circumstances
I'd be OK

with giving up
paternity leave for you.

Why? I have to keep working
now that we're splitting up.

If it were a playground mom
at least I'd stand a chance,

but I can only lose to Hannes.

"We know what you're planning
with our kids, you gay scumbag.

Get the hell out of our school."

Makes no sense. Is this for you?

I'm the faggot.

Faggot, that's what you say, right?

Huh?

You love using that word,
with such great fervor.

With a disgusted undertone.

Wasn't such a great idea, was it?

Did you switch phones?

Can you please...

Where are you going?

Oh, God.

You said if it was a woman
we'd still have a chance.

Why didn't you tell us before, Pepe?

Because I didn't know before.

For a while
I didn't know anything anymore.

Who I am and...

when I noticed a few years ago
I thought it might go away.

But...

I think it was always there.

I know full well why
he didn't tell us.

I was gay for an hour, it was enough.

Or did we take it well, Simon?

Is that why you're
looking for a new job?

Yes. Two students saw me with Hannes.

They told their dad, since then I get
lots of love letters from Mr. Engelmann.

Just because you're homosexual?
- That's really silly.

Keep saying fag or homo,
it sounds more natural.

Why don't you report
him to the police?

I can't even tell you guys I'm gay.

How am I supposed to do it in court,
in front of a judge, lawyers, parents?

If I'm lucky, some students.

I'll have to run the gauntlet.
I'm not built for that.

I liked the idea of this game.

It's like the serial killer
who's searching for redemption.

I did hope
it would all come out tonight, but...

to be honest, not quite this much.

I'd be glad
if you introduced Hannes to us.

Absolutely.

No.

I don't want to introduce him to you.

I want to protect him from you,
because you protect the ones you love.

You guys outed yourselves tonight,
not me.

I don't even recognize you guys.
I'm no better, I lied too.

But I was the only one who wanted to,
yet something stopped me.

And I don't know...

Maybe because secretly I'm not sure
we're even still friends.

Just because of one blowup?
- Come on, Simon.

We haven't been
the Perfetti Gang for a long time.

The gang always stuck together.

Bianca, open the door.
- Bianca!

Say something!
- Kick it in. Get her out.

Bianca, open up!
- Out of the way!

Your mother called.

I said you're expecting a child.

She congratulated me.

I always knew you were special.

Be happy and be proud.
You're good just the way you are.

Go after her.

It's too late.

Come on. You screwed up.

Life goes on, eh?

Sorry.

Bye.
- Clear out now.

You don't like Bianca
yet you take her side?

Great game, Eva. Thanks.

Shit.

Want a ride?

But don't think I'm going to blow you.

What a game.

You were so against it.
I thought you...

And again,

feel free to look, any day, any time.

Honestly, the entire evening I was
afraid you had something to hide.

Why is that?
- I made lots of mistakes lately.

I wouldn't even have blamed you.

Your damn therapist lady is
pretty good. - It's a man.

What if I...

I want to focus on the future, Eva,
not the past.

Just accept that you're enough for me.

I know others could have you.

You don't have to prove it to me,
or to yourself.

You have to decide
if you want to give us another chance.

Oh God! At your age?
That's so gross!

The party sucked.
I'm going to bed.

Alone.

That's our car.
Fuck. Stop the car!

Stop!
- OK.

Carlotta?

Carlotta!

Pepe, she jumped.
- What?

Shit. I'm sorry.
- Uh, Leo!

Are you nuts?
- Oh, God.

I think the tapas gave me the shits.
- I thought...

I didn't want to muck up my shoes.
- Falling star.

And did you make wishes?

That the whole thing did some good.

That the truth will do some good.

Would you really have jumped?

I really enjoyed it.
Great presentation.

Thanks.
- Let's be in touch.

Bye.

I really like it. Wow.
- Thanks.

We're going out for a drink later.
Give me your number, I'll call you.

You can reach me at the office.
- No phone?

No, because of the radiation...

Having a cell phone isn't so good.

Just say that you don't want to come.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Right, everybody out. First to
the sandbox gets a Gummy Bear.

Right.
- I want the shovel.

So, waiting for a text?

Yes, I am.

You won't get one.

The principal confiscated his phone
for a long time.

Bruno, Henri!
Here, play with Daddy's phone.

Go ahead and break it.
Cell phones are crap.

Values, so important.

Apple slice?

No thanks.

Chapter one: A Hopeless Affair.

That's him!

I feel like I'm 16.
- I'm scared.

How do you think Pepe feels?

The jerk is huge.

COMIC CONTEST
SUPERHEROES WANTED!

I wouldn't worry. It'll be fine.
- Yes.

OK, bye.
- Bye.

Right, Mrs. Engelmann.

Mr. Engelmann.

We finally meet, Mr. Deneke.

My son raves about you so much.

Best teacher at this school.

Great classroom!

How were parent conferences?

Uh...
- We hope you'll accept our apology.

You feel like camping out
and a campfire?

Leo found the best s'mores recipes.
- Fuck you, Rocco.

We can go swimming,
or rub each other down.

What he is trying to say is
one truth didn't come out in the game.

That we love you.

Yes.

I'm in.

You assholes.
- Yes!

Mom thinks you'll be gay,
but I'm not supposed to tell you.

I've got my knife, if we want to try
the blood brother thing again.

Nah, we'll pass on your hepatitis.

Uh-huh, that's right.

I'm glad we've patched
things up again.

If the evening proved
one thing, then...

It's mine. Can you
give it to me please?

No, this isn't it. - It's the
other one, in the glove box.

We learned that none of us
is better than the other.

I didn't think you'd call again.

Hey, put it on speaker phone.

Rocco!

Put it on speaker phone!

Grab him, he's got a second phone!
- What?

Rocco, stop where you are, you dick!

Hittin' da club
with my pussies tonight

Six-four, the fourth. Clap it!

Are you using the soap...

Again.
- Hey!

Are you using the... Shit!
I was going to say "soap" again.

Are you using
the lotion I gave you?

Hello. Mrs. Ratzeburg.
- Why Mrs. Ratzeburg?

I thought I'd use another name.
- I like it.

Answer it
with your foot next time, too.

You really want to argue, or can
we have a nice evening for once?

It's the arrow. Sorry.

I'll go change quick, okay?

What d'you want?
- Isn't that Freddy Lau?

Get lost, right quick like.

You didn't look. Look.

Holy shit!

Oh, no, I don't need any help.

Sorry.
Leo rushed me. I couldn't...

Yeah, all right. Uh-huh.

And...

She said, "First time drunk
at 12, and at 13..."

Answer it!

Play the game!

No offense, but I'm not sure...

You only see the kids
on the weekends.

I'm not sure you can
call yourself a mom.

Okay, no offense, but...

I'm not sure you...

It was the same here.

Sorry.

Are you going to do another...
No, wait.

There's nothing between your teeth.
- Sorry.

Go ahead, laugh.

Yes, there is something...

Big time.
- Totally!

Nice on-camera discussion.
- Jessica.

That's better.
- Yeah? Is it better?

Coital was the wrong word.
- A fight for the front of the body.

Wotan!

Oh, God!
What a cute guinea pig.

Do you need a doctor or a caper?

So, "no secrets."

Right?

It's not funny at all.
- Not a bit.

Not a bit.
- You can do it.

Have you and Anna
decided against kids?

Didn't she fry any... Fuck!
Why do I always say "fry"?

Have you and Anna
decided against kids?

Didn't she fray any...

You and Anna decided
against kids? -Stop it.

I see you.

You and Anna
decided against kids?

Didn't she fra...

You guys are
screwing with me.

Oh! Who's that calling?
- No one yet!

Read it.

Read it.
- Yeah.

Read it.

Oh, God!

OK.

Good that you're
such an expert on kids.

I think he'll manage just fine.

Manage what?

Are you pregnant?

The first test... The first...

Oh, God.

What was that?

This is starting off great.
I said we shouldn't play.

Too late.

Why are you smiling?

Sorry.

You look so cute when you smile.
Sorry.

It's good to stay on the move.
It's all that counts nowadays.

"Your local credit union."

"We clear the way."

Bianca, you're so great.

Don't let this break you.
Will you promise me that?

Sorry, I took that wrong.

Thanks.

Your attempt at a kiss...

What makes you say that? Here.
You'll see patients' tits and asses.

It's a job thing.

Are you a homo?
- Can we do that again?

Why? What was wrong?

Badly acted, plain and simple.

Then it'd have been perfect.
- I have highly motivated colleagues.

Sorry.

It's over. Forget it.
- Stop.

Let's shoot.
- Yes.

Next comes:
"It's OK. It's out now."

Then one of these two spazzes
says something.

Freddy, stop! Please.
- I can't. I'm done.

No, no, no, Pepe.
I want to know Simon's problem.

You've fed us bullshit for 20 years.

Apparently it's of no interest
to report it to us.

Dude, you shitting me?
- Yeah.

I just can't do it anymore.

The content is right.

"You derived no joy
from informing us..."

You should try...

So are you gay because I...

didn't tell you...

I'm ga... I'm upset...

I'm upset...
- I'm gay.

Because I'm upset.

I should've known
when you saw...

Classic Lau.

You'll have to lend me some...

Even I'm having trouble
with my lines.

Crazy!

He's screwing my hand.

What?
- He's screwing my hand!

...Sorry

Do you mean my asshole
or his asshole?

Nathan Fritz et al.
BABELFISCH TRANSLATIONS