Dark Ride (2006) - full transcript
Ten years after he brutally murdered two girls, a killer escapes from a mental institution and returns to his turf, the theme park attraction called Dark Ride. About to crash his path are a group of college kids on a road trip who stumble across the park.
Looks like it's closed.
Don't be such a wimp.
The guy's right there.
I told you, Colleen,
if you're gonna pull this crap,
you could have just
stayed at home.
Will you just leave me
alone, you idiot?
Well...
Jerk.
Come on already.
Two tickets, please.
Round trip or one way?
Go on, get on.
It's not gonna bite you.
You see? It's all fake,
you little baby.
Don't you feel stupid now?
Ooh-hh...
Look at that devil face.
You're not looking. Look.
Mmm, it's kind of cool.
Stop it, jerk!
Oh, poor baby.
Want me to change your diaper?
Whoa, look at that.
Imagine if this whole ride
shut down right now.
We would have to find
our way back out on foot.
lt might take hours.
Look at that fire, Colleen.
That's awesome!
You're not looking.
You are such a little girl, Colleen.
You know that?
I'm gonna start calling
you Colleen Crybaby.
L knew I should have left you home,
Colleen Crybaby.
I'm gonna make you get out
and walk this ride all by yourself.
You know what?
Sam!
All right, you stupid...
ride.
Sam!
? She's lying
right next to me...?
Cathy, am I even gonna
need a bathing suit in New Orleans?
L don't think so, Liz. Oh, unless
you're gonna pull your top down
- for "Girls Gone Stupid."
- What, like this? Whoo!
You know you're going to.
You'd love that.
Can you tell me again
why we're going there
and not someplace with palm trees
and umbrella drinks?
The money that we're going to save
by enduring this trip
with the boys...
And I do mean "endure"...
Will more than make up
for food, fun
and anything else we might need.
Think of it as business,
not pleasure, Liz.
I'm glad you suggested
we go to New Orleans.
It's retro. You feel me?
It's like something
our grandparents would have done.
Yeah, well, I was hoping
the female population down there
- skewed younger than that.
- When they were our age,
- you freak show.
- Right.
Anyway, spring break's become
this market-laden excuse
for multinational consumer product
companies to pass out samples of shit,
like deodorant and condoms.
Fuck! "Final Cut," dude.
I love this book.
What are you doing reading this?
You gave it to me
for my birthday.
- Oh.
- Take it out of the bag
and put one of these in instead.
We're going to spring break,
not to the library.
- What is this?
- It's a condom.
And you have to use it
when you're not having sex with her.
You know about her?
You know that Jim's
driving us, right?
Yeah, I know that.
Are you okay with that,
after what happened?
What happened was
I got really drunk
and I hooked up with someone
I shouldn't have hooked up with.
- It happened once, come on.
- You do it every weekend.
- Once.
- Stop, stop.
It's like the measles.
It's out of my system.
- Okay okay.
- Drop it.
You do know how I get
when I get a few drinks in me...
I could basically probably hook up
with anyone.
- The whole school knows how you get.
- Shut up.
Do you realize that
Michael Cimino almost bankrupted
United Artists with "Heaven's Gate"?
It's just such an abuse
of production.
Why don't you take it down a notch
with the movie mania?
We're trying to fit in.
What's the deal
with you and Steve?
I don't know. My whole situation
reeks of clich?
L mean, all this together,
apart, together, apart...
I'm fucking dizzy at this point.
And then the shit
he pulled this semester.
- So what did you tell him?
- I like the sound of alone.
Do you still love him?
L don't know.
You know, I'm 19 years old.
What do I know about love?
L highly doubt that quickies
in the dorm room
and a romantic Saturday evening
by a frat keg qualify.
L look at it like this... I mean,
if I can get
through this trip as friends,
then that's all she wrote.
If I can't keep
my hands off him,
then, well, we'll see.
Oh, so you're taking
the scientific approach.
- Do you still love her?
- Who the hell knows?
If we don't fuck during vacation,
I'm guessing it's done.
If she can't keep her hands off me,
we'll see.
So you're taking
the Tommy Lee approach.
You can say that.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah, it was totally nuts.
Hi.
Oh, God, there they are. Hey!
Wait a minute. Why would you want them
to come with us
if you don't think
you two are still dating?
Gas costs?
Doesn't the expression "bringing sand
to the beach" mean anything to you?
I'm not too worried about it.
Although I gotta admit it, it's kind
of blowing my hitchhiker fantasy.
What, you always wanted
to blow a hitchhiker?
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hello.
- How are you doing?
- Hi.
Okay, gang, so we all set
to do this or what?
Big Daddy's gotta go.
Well, when's Big Daddy
gonna come home?
The road's calling,
honey. I gotta go.
Bye. See ya.
What up, man? How you doing?
- Hey.
- What's shakin'?
Hey.
Elizabeth,
it's been a long time.
Time was the only long
thing you ever gave me,
Big Daddy. And it's Liz.
Ow!
You got AAA for this dump?
Seriously,
you guys, don't talk shit...
about my baby.
They didn't mean it.
The '70s called.
They want your baby back.
That is so funny. He's creative.
He's like the kissing bandit.
Bill, thanks
for the invite, man.
Should be a lot of fun.
Yeah, no, I'm just happy
to be invited.
Boy's gonna get him some tail.
My boy's gonna get him some tail.
Come on, stop it!
Wouldn't hurt a cripple.
Hello, "Midnight Cowboy."
John Schlesinger, you know?
Jon Voigt, Joe Buck.
Guys, it's a classic.
It's the first and only
X-rated film ever to win an Oscar
for Best Picture.
Who are you people?
- Get in.
- You've never heard of it?
L love the shag.
All right, let's hit the road, kids.
Everybody buckle up.
♪ Making change ♪
♪ ln factions... ♪
♪ Yeah, the kids ♪
♪ Are all right... ♪
♪ It's a scene every night... ♪
♪ If the best is really ♪
♪ yet to come ♪
♪ We'd all stay ♪
♪ Longer ♪
♪ And all the seasons ♪
♪ that we ran ♪
♪ Too quickly through ♪
♪ Have passed... ♪
I guess it's a self-serve.
Sure this place is open?
Well, all the lights
are on, so yes, I do.
Maybe the guy's
taking a shit.
Must be Free Gas Friday.
No, come on, guys.
Don't screw around.
Just go check
around in the office.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi. How are you doing?
'78, that's a good year.
"Deer Hunter" won Best Picture.
Guess you didn't happen
to catch that one.
Yeah, it had this incredible
Russian roulette scene.
Nicky! Nicky!
Know of any good places
to eat around here?
Okay, have a good night.
The old guy in the back,
he didn't say a word to me.
You guys figure it out.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Dude, your boy can't even handle
- the gas-station attendant.
- He's working on it.
Hello.
Yo.
- Just drop some cash and let's jet.
- Dude, all I have are $20s.
Not happening.
"No matter how much
you shake or dance,
the last drop ends up
on your pants."
Poetic but true.
It's the vanishing man.
- What?
- Uh...
You think I have
another shot with Liz?
Okay, where'd this guy go?
Hey, excuse me.
Who do I have to blow
around here to pay
for some gas
and get out of here?
That'll be $16 even. Here's a coupon
for your friend out there.
He mentioned he'd like
to get some grub.
Stuckey Ribs is the best
in the area.
This'll save you $2.50
on every entree.
Thank you. That's very
helpful of you.
Now about that blowjob...
Jim tried to give
an old guy a blowjob.
- No, I didn't, asshole.
- What happened?
You should have seen
the guy in there, man.
He was talking to us about coupons,
about gas in this town.
We got a coupon for a restaurant.
- Liz, where's Bill?
- I don't know.
- L thought he was with you.
- Right here, right here.
Look at this.
Look at what I found in the bathroom.
What, another STD?
- Another STD?
- Another?
"Bleedings from Asbury Park,"
the Jersey shore's infamous
historic attraction.
25 of the most terrifying rooms
for your horrific pleasure,
the Dark Ride celebrates
"its grand reopening April 17. "
Let me see that, dude.
I know about this thing.
- L heard about it.
- Really?
- And that makes you cool how?
- Blow me.
Very lame.
There's things like this
at every amusement park.
Yeah, and Ferris wheels.
Big scary Ferris wheels.
Okay, wait. What is a dark ride?
It's the horror attraction
at amusement parks or boardwalks.
Yeah, it's like that
"Little Rascals" episode
from the '20s on Coney lsland.
Didn't catch it.
It's basically carts on tracks,
slamming through doors.
L love those things.
They're so scary.
No, I read about this place.
Something happened in there.
This is the real thing.
The place had been shut down
for 20 years.
It's gotta be the first time
it's opened since.
Well, it must have been
quite a something
to shut the whole place down
for that long.
Yoo-hoo!
Anybody home?
Strictly vegetarian, my ass.
Why is this freak always
on the floor?
L know your face is
all fucked up,
but you don't
gotta hide from us.
We're your friends, buddy.
What's the matter?
You don't fancy
the accommodations, sir?
Your mattress too soft?
No chocolate on the pillows?
They've been keeping you
on carrots and codeine
for a long time now.
L know you don't think
you're special.
Seems to me it's
about time for a change.
You hear me, freak?
L think some good old
USDA prime beef
might be just
what the doctor ordered.
A little bit of iron
oughta toughen you right up.
Let's get out of here.
This is a stupid idea.
Look at his ears.
L think he's deaf.
He don't give a shit
what you feed him.
What? I hear vegetarians
get sick if they eat meat.
L just wanna see
if that's true, is all.
L mean, this is a hospital.
There's nothing wrong with
a little bit of a scientific experiment.
He's a zombie.
Let's go and mess with the girls.
That's more fun.
What, you're in a rush now?
We got all night.
Give me that meat.
Oh, yeah.
Dinnertime, dickhead.
What's the matter?
Is it too bloody for you?
A little bit too rare?
You want me to send it
back to the chef
so he can cook it up
just right for you?
- What's the matter?
- Yeah.
This is a bust.
You're wasting a perfectly
good piece of meat.
What was that?
Well, maybe the poor baby's
got a cold.
He could be allergic.
Let's get out of here.
You're not allergic,
are you? Eat.
Eat it! Essen!
This is choice stuff.
Put some hair on your...
Just...
Hey, have any of you guys actually
ever been to one of these places?
I went to something like this
when I was a kid down in Orlando.
It scared the crap out of me.
L had nightmares
for two years after that.
- You always have nightmares.
- Only when I think about your face.
You guys are not gonna
have that problem on this trip.
We pass by the joint
three days before it opens.
Hey, did someone
just say "joint"?
That's too bad.
Sounds like it could have been fun.
Oh, bullshit, Liz. A beggar says "boo,"
and you get scared straight.
You never would have gone in the place.
You're only all tough about it now
'cause the option's
off the table.
It's kiddie shit.
Of course I would have gone.
L bet cash money you would never even
set foot in the place.
You're such a fucking cheating asshole,
Steve. I'll take that bet.
You gotta be the toughest,
coolest, bravest person
in the fucking room,
in every room.
- Guys, come on, chill out.
- There is one way to settle this.
How's that?
Anybody feel like saving
a little money on a room tonight?
No way!
Why not way?
Come on, let's do it.
L mean, we can do
whatever we want.
Yeah. Yeah, it could be cool.
All I ever read about is
how doomed our generation is, okay,
how we do nothing,
and we have it so easy?
So let's do something.
I'm in.
- Try to keep me away.
- You're all nuts.
Fuck the motel, guys.
This sounds really fucking cool.
This is something we're gonna be
talking about for a long time.
I think we should
check it out, okay?
If it's cool, we'll go in.
If not, we'll leave.
Okay, sounds like a plan.
Look, guys, if we stay
in the Dark Ride tonight,
we increase our funding
supplies for spring break,
if you catch my drift.
Good God.
- Holy shit.
- What?
Bill, how much longer?
- That would depend.
- On what?
On whether Jim
picks up this hitchhiker.
- Do not stop this van.
- Hey, that was my fantasy.
This is almost as good as the old man
at the gas station.
I'll bet she's either
a psycho or a nympho.
Well, what is she doing
out here all by herself?
She's a homeless,
psychotic nymphomaniac.
Where's she gonna be,
Park Avenue?
How do we know she is alone?
Maybe her boyfriend's waiting
behind her 20 feet
with a chainsaw.
- Maybe her car broke down.
- She looks kind of broke down.
L don't see a car.
You know, guys, I saw this one
"Twilight Zone" episode...
Shh!
I feel obliged to pick up
this hot piece of ass.
Call it my civic duty.
Call it your raging hard-on.
Hello. Hi.
- Hop in. All right.
- Awesome.
- Sweet.
- Move.
All right.
- How are you doing?
- I'm good. How are you?
- I'm Jim.
- Jim, Jen.
"J" s!
That's right - Hi.
- Where are you headed?
- Where are you from?
Jacksonville. Boston.
Did your car break down?
L don't really believe
in owning cars.
How ironic. Cathy here
doesn't believe in seat belts.
L totally believe in seat belts.
Safety first.
This from a girl who thumbs her way
across the country
accepting rides from strangers.
Bill, can I borrow
your phone real quick?
Yeah yeah, it's in my bag.
I generally feel
that people are basically good.
However, this one time
I was following this Phish tour...
Man, I just love those guys...
So this guy, anyway,
driving this really
bitching Beamer stops for me.
So, chitchat chitchat.
He was a doctor or a banker,
I don't know, a mortician or something.
So he asks me where I'm going.
And don't ask me
how it got started,
but we get
on the subject of music.
Now I don't know a lot
of things, but in fact,
music is the one thing
that I am extremely
familiar with.
L just get it, get it?
So this yuppie dickhead
starts telling me about music
and how back in the day...
And I'm like...
How ADD kids are nowadays,
and I'm like, "Fuck!"
You know, "back in the day"?
Music transcends time and space.
Man, it's like a whole
symbiotic relationship
between... are you feeling me?
It's a like a whole
symbiotic relationship
between life, death,
malls, pets,
health and nutrition.
So Mr. 2.4 Kids,
he tries to kiss me!
He actually has his
fucking sweaty paws
all over me!
So what I did was...
What I did was,
I just leaned over
and I smashed down really hard
in a really sensitive place.
Are you feeling me?
My aim was dead on!
Ding-dong.
L rang the bell
and won the kewpie doll, man.
L also happened to lose my ride.
Took me like four hours
to get another one.
What was my point?
Oh, yeah.
You know, I generally have to
believe that people
are basically good.
Does anyone mind that I'm
sitting in the front seat?
Well, Jen, welcome aboard.
Oh, I knew you guys were cool
soon as I saw the van.
Yeah, she's my sweet baby.
You should know
we plan to detour.
We're gonna spend
the night there.
Man, I love dark rides.
You guys mind if I tag along?
Funny, I thought
you already had.
Don't worry.
I'll hold my own weight.
Anyone want to go
on a real trip?
Oh, God...
I think I love you.
Right back at you.
L haven't been here in so long.
Where is this place?
Asbury Park.
Asbury Park. Never been here.
Look at what a shit
old town this is.
Shit old towns are the best.
Holy shit.
Those fucking mushrooms
just kicked in.
Yeah? Are you feeling it?
Hey, isn't Asbury Park
where Springsteen was born?
Look at this place.
It looks closed.
L mean, like,
gone-for-the-winter closed.
God, it's kind of creepy, huh?
God, I live for this shit!
Okay, this obviously sucks.
If you wanna save money,
can we just sleep in the van?
Whoa whoa, what the hell's that?
Hey, kill the lights, dude.
Well, that's that.
No no no, he probably makes
his rounds about every hour or so.
There's plenty
of time to get inside.
He's a rent-a-cop.
I'm surprised he doesn't
ride a fucking bicycle.
Come on.
Let's go around the back.
We can figure out
a way to get in.
Oh, great,
we picked up Catwoman.
Look, he's leaving.
- Let go of me.
- Come on now. That's a boy.
- Hey, he's going.
- Yeah, and so should we.
Cathy, could be fun.
That's right, Jen.
It could also not be fun.
- See how that works?
- Jesus, Cath, chill out.
Fuck chill, Jim.
Okay, this is supposed
to be for laughs, right?
Fine, I'll wait here and call for me
when your laughs begin.
- Cath, come on.
- You know where to find me.
I'm fine. Go.
Go.
Yaa-ow!
Have fun with little
Miss Too Cool for School.
In fact, why don't you just have fun?
That's what you're good at.
Oh, nice.
I'm sorry.
Do what you want
with that, but...
And I really do miss you.
Go ahead.
The Dark Ride's waiting.
Jen, Jen,
come here, listen.
L have an idea.
Oh, man,
this place is frickin'
huge...
Oh my God.
God! Jesus!
Come on!
This place is fucking great.
Whoa, shit!
What's up?
Way to go, bro.
Come on. Come in, come in.
Nice and dry.
How did you get the lights on?
Liz, seriously, do you think the only
thing I made in shop class were bongs?
No, seriously, though,
I just put a few wires together
- and pushed a few buttons.
- Ooh, I like a man who knows
what to do with his hands.
- I'm shocked.
- What's that?
I'm soaked.
You know, we really
should go get Cathy.
Cathy knows where we are.
If she wants
- to join us, she can, right?
- Right.
L agree. We should
check this place out.
Let's go. Come on.
Cool.
Just think, I could have hitched
a ride with a stalker.
Oh my God.
Look at the motion.
Oh my God.
How cool is that?
Yeah yeah yeah.
Hey, dude, don't fuck with anything.
We don't wanna
add destruction of property
to the breaking and entering charge.
Shh! Steve, Steve,
just let it go.
Let it go.
Had to go and take
those 'shrooms, didn't you?
Put it down.
Steve, Steve, really, it's okay.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it, shh!
What is this?
What's wrong, Jim?
What did you do
to the face, Jim?
Nothing.
Yeah.
All right, moving on.
Mmm.
Dude, I cannot believe
Cathy's missing this shit.
This place
is fucking cool, right?
Jim, light me, please.
- Easy easy, Jim.
- Easy.
What do you think?
I have to say,
this isn't too bad.
Got a little smoke.
Got a little...
Motherfucker!
Can't we unplug these things?
- Did you see that?
- See what?
There's someone...
There's someone watching us
though that window.
You sure, Liz?
You're pretty high.
Never mind.
Yes, and there is definitely no shortage
of someones
lurking in this fucking place.
God, you gotta wonder
how all this negative energy
affects this place.
L mean, it can't be good.
You're closer to the truth
than you know, Jen-Jen.
Do you guys know why
they closed down this ride, huh?
- It's a local legend.
- Yeah, I grew up in Ocean Grove,
one town over.
Fuckin'-A, man.
I didn't know you were from there.
- You're from Jersey, brother?
- Yeah.
Well, you had to have heard
of the story, man...
about two sisters.
Let me see that. Thank you.
About two sisters
who died right here.
Yeah, they were twins.
L think it was back in '89.
So what happened?
They were murdered,
disemboweled.
At their funerals,
it was closed casket.
Nobody wanted
to view the bodies.
It was, I mean,
huge out here.
It was in all the newspapers.
Wow, Jim, then it must be true.
What an imbecile.
How about we turn the page
on this one, guys?
Legend goes
that there was this man,
this hideous, deformed,
monsterlike man
that wore a mask
over his face, killed them.
Supposedly, the man had,
like, a mental capacity
of a five-year-old.
He lived right here
in this Dark Ride.
What, he lived in the ride?
Yes, he lived in the ride.
See, the guy who operated
the ride adopted two kids...
two very different kids.
There was the younger one
who was normal,
and there was the older one.
He was the one
with all the deformities.
So he kept him down here
locked up
in a dark ride.
Yeah, I think I heard
something like that.
But I think it happened
in Wisconsin.
Really?
Well, I heard something
similar, but it was this
traveling dark ride
that moved from state to state
to these different carnivals.
It was like...
Urban legends, right?
No no.
That's cute, but no,
this is not an urban legend.
Did they go to jail?
See, in the end
the taxpayers prevailed.
The ride was closed...
and the monster expired.
- Who's got the weed?
- Dude.
All right.
Yeah, so that's what happened.
Well, why didn't you
tell us this when we saw the flier?
Because I wanted you
to come here,
and if I would have told you the story,
you wouldn't have came.
So I didn't.
You know, with all
the scary shit going on,
it was nuts. The kids were dead
and the town was crazy.
Jim, there's...
there's one little problem
with your story.
What's that, Bill?
The same problem
most people have
is that they just believe
whatever they hear
without ever questioning it.
Newspapers take more
liberty with the fact
than "E! True Hollywood Story."
See, your guys'
quote-unquote monster
never died.
He was shot that day,
but he's very much alive.
If you ask me,
he should have been sent
to the electric chair
for what he did.
Instead, they just set him up
in some mental hospital.
And how would you know?
Dude, you're fucking with us.
He's fucking with us.
I wish I was.
Those two teenagers...
You know, the ones
that were last killed...
those were my cousins.
- Your cousins.
- Bullshit.
Oh my God. Are you serious?
That's how I know that
Jonah's still alive.
Why does it always have to
be Jonah or Jason
or Jedidiah?
L mean, why can't it
be Bob or Gus
or even Chris?
No no. Give him a break.
Let him finish.
Or Ernie. Lt could be Ernie.
Well, Elizabeth,
Ernie is not his name.
It's Jonah.
And he's not a monster.
God, we do love our monsters
in this country.
But a murderer killed
my two cousins, not a monster.
The police psychologist
said the sick bastard
was actually playing
with his victims.
Can you believe that?
He was reenacting the sets
from within the ride.
So he mimicked
whatever he saw in this place?
Yeah.
Jonah see, Jonah do.
That is heavy, dude.
L am so sorry.
Well, that was more interesting
than movie trivia.
I shouldn't have
brung it up. I'm sorry.
No, Jim, it's not
your fault it happened.
Besides, these are
the kinds of stories
you tell in places
like this, right,
to try and scare
the hell out of everyone?
The only difference is,
usually you're making it up.
This one's real.
Cue the thunder and lightning.
Ooh!
That's cool. Look at this.
Steve.
A fucking light.
Grab a lantern
from the set over there
so we can see what
the hell's going on in here.
Come on.
- It won't reach.
- Oh, shit.
Hey, grab that mirror.
Bounce this off it.
L don't see anything.
No no no, bounce it up.
Okay, wait.
I think it's over there.
There's nothing in here.
Wait wait wait. What was that?
- What the...? No! Oh!
- Oh my God!
Cathy! Cathy!
Help! Help! Help!
Got you. I'm so sorry.
L couldn't help myself.
I'm sorry.
You looked like such a dork.
Oh, my God. That was so good.
Oh, man, you should have
seen the look on your face.
First, you're all like, "Oh!"
And then you did, like, this great...
lt was fucking killer.
Aw, you still really care.
After what you said back there
in the van, I was gonna...
No, fuck you, Cathy.
And stay fucked for a while.
Well, I wouldn't call
three minutes
including foreplay
"a while," would you?
What the hell
happened here?
What?
- It's awesome.
- You were in on this?
Did you plan
this whole thing?
- You were in on this.
- Yeah.
And, you know,
when we picked up Jen,
I kinda figured she'd be better
to get you in the room than me.
So I just pulled her aside
and asked her to help.
Guilty.
Do you guys honestly
think I would have stayed
in the van by myself?
No, I faked.
- So you planned this trip?
- Yeah.
- Were you fucking in on this?
- I had nothing to do with it.
Calm down.
It was just me and Bill. Oh my God.
And coming to the Dark Ride
was all part
of your little prank?
You know, I was just kinda dying
to check it out.
But seriously,
my parents never let me
go to my cousins' funeral.
L never even went to their gravesite.
I've never even been here.
So, I don't know,
in some sick, twisted way
it's kind of like closure to me.
But the flier...
I had that with me. That would have
shown up anywhere we were.
It would have showed up
wherever we were.
Jesus, Bill, that's
pretty freakin' extreme
just to go for a laugh.
That rocked. That was great!
I'm so proud of you.
Well, your friend Steve here left me
in a rather extreme position
a few months back
when I walked into his room
and found his dick inside
Sarah D'Amato.
- This is about that?
- You fucked Sarah D'Amato?
Yes, it is about that, Steve.
L know you don't think it's a big deal,
but it was to me.
Steve, you had sex
with Sarah D'Amato?
Yeah, and she's not
a fucking psycho. This isn't funny.
Playing dead isn't funny.
- Lt was funny.
- That was harsh.
Hey, you know
what they say...
Don't hate the playa,
hate the game.
Oh, come on, Stevie.
Kiss my neck.
You know how much I like that.
- Jeez.
- And you, you little piece of shit...
- Stop it!
- No, you stop it.
- Lay off him!
- You don't get to say anything now.
You, you want some trivia?
How many friends do you have now?
Anyone? Anyone?
Well, now you've got none.
Lay off him. Stop.
L should have left you beating off
in the fucking dorm room.
Bad joke.
Well, unless you
have an encore planned...
ls there anyone else
you need to exact revenge on?
I'm done.
Dude, I would totally
beat your ass
if you did that to me.
But you didn't,
and it was great.
L didn't know you had it in you.
Look at you coming out
of your shell.
Now that you're done,
can we please leave?
This place creeps me out.
You wanna make out or... ?
- Okay.
- Lt never works.
Scared the shit out
of your cheating ex-boyfriend.
- That was priceless.
- Lt was good.
That was so awesome.
I have a feeling by next weekend
you're gonna need
a new roommate.
Probably.
That's weird.
The door is locked.
Well, open it.
Well, I would, Elizabeth,
but the door's kind of locked
- from the outside.
- Come on, Jim, open the door.
L bet it was Steve.
Or Ernie the Slasher.
- Steve, please.
- Just relax, everyone.
Please, come on.
Steve, this isn't funny.
She's apologizing, Steve.
Come on, man, open the door.
No, seriously,
guys, though,
I did a pretty shitty job
down there on the wires.
I'm not surprised that
they didn't hold up.
I'll just go back down there
and fix 'em. I'll be right back.
- You all stay right here.
- Actually, you know what?
L was thinking about
wandering aimlessly in the dark.
It's what I do for fun.
Jesus Christ, Jen, you almost
gave me a fucking heart attack.
Your heart rate's not exactly
what I wanted to get a rise out of.
These 'shrooms are really
fucking kicking in.
Yeah, I know.
Well, they were on for a minute.
Maybe he's working on it.
L bet that little slut
is working on him.
Holy shit. I didn't even realize
she wasn't with us.
Hey, did you see Steve,
following me down here?
Because I wanna grab him
and get the hell out of here.
Oh, really?
- Oh my God.
- Oh, God.
Don't you feel good?
We don't exactly
have to leave right now.
It's kind of awkward timing.
You know what I mean?
My timing is what
makes this interesting.
What about the others?
Couldn't find their way
down here with a road map.
But I heard them
screaming and shit.
Yeah, I think we should
let the children play
their children games.
Besides, we have
some adult games to get to.
Oh, God, I love you.
Excuse me...
just one moment.
- What are you gonna do?
- Just a little...
Just a little mood lighting,
a little mood music.
Sorry I don't have cigarettes.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Fucking Steve, I hate him.
I'm so done with him.
I bet he's screwing with the lights.
- What goes around comes around, right?
- Screw you, Liz.
Sorry.
L can't see a thing.
I don't like this, you guys.
Hey, Liz, watch out for the tracks.
Don't sprain your ankle.
Look, I don't know
what you guys are thinking,
but if we're gonna
get out of here,
we've gotta find
our way downstairs.
- Ln the dark?
- Yeah.
We could use the concert method.
What's the concert method?
You have a lighter, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, let's go.
This is better.
Thanks.
St-Steve?
They keep screaming.
Something's wrong.
Oh, God, I love this song.
They're just joking.
They're just joking.
- Okay.
- They're just messing around.
Oh, thank you.
L think we have to go,
and we have to go now.
We've gotta get help.
Where did Bill go?
Jim! Jim!
What's going on?
Oh, Jen, you cannot leave me
hanging like this.
It's unhealthy.
Jen, you're killing me.
Please. Thank you.
?...I think I'm going out
of my head?
? I think I'm going
out of my head?
? I think I'm going out
of my head...?
Oh, what did I do to deserve this?
Oh, God, I'm almost there.
Oh, God.
Come here. Give me a kiss.
What the fuck? Oh my God!
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
Come back.
What the fuck are you doing?
Don't fucking leave me.
Oh, God!
Help me! Somebody
let me out of here!
Please.
Somebody help me!
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Oh, God.
- What?
- Shh shh shh!
- What?
- Do you hear that?
- Cathy.
- It's okay.
All right, listen to me.
Shh, it's okay.
Shh, I lost it
back there. I did.
Listen to me, all right?
I lost it back there.
L did. But I'm back now.
We have to find a way
out of here.
There has to be another exit,
or fire-code, something.
This is a fucking
amusement park ride
for God's sakes.
There's fucking rules.
Shh shh shh.
- I'm too tired.
- We're almost out. Come on.
- No no no no. Where are you going?
- This is my fault.
Don't you get it?
I'm the reason we're here.
L brought us here.
L have to go find the others!
- Go get help!
- Go get help...
Cathy!
Cath.
Cath!
That might be her!
Where are you?
Yeah, this is Reggie.
I'm at the northeast side
of the boardwalk,
requesting backup.
Henry, Lou.
- That means you guys.
- What's the problem, Reggie?
I got a report that there was some
noises coming from the Dark Ride.
L'm gonna go check it out.
Sounds good to me.
How can I help you?
Well, by definition
of the term "backup, "
I'm asking you to back me up.
- Reinforcements are on the way.
- 10-4.
Anybody in here?
This is security.
Anybody in this building?
Oh my God!
Ls anybody
in this building?
Hello!
Oh my God, please...
Hello! Anybody here?
God damn, girl,
what the hell are you doing in here?
All right, look,
everything's gonna be okay.
Just calm down.
Come with me.
We'll call your parents, all right?
Just relax.
What are you pointing at?
L told you, miss,
everything's gonna be just fine.
If you relax...
You'd better get over there
before Reggie splits.
You got it.
Wait, please.
Come on. Work, please.
No!
Oh my God!
Come on, you fucking phone!
Jim!
Oh my God.
No! No!
Cathy?
Cathy. Cathy.
Cathy, wake up.
Cath. Oh, shit.
- Jim.
- Bill.
Bill.
Dude, you're...
You're alive, man.
Are you okay?
Dude, I'm about as far from okay
as okay gets, man.
I'm freaking out of my skull.
You need to get us
the fuck out of here, Bill.
Shh, it's over now.
L know. It's okay.
It's over now.
Is he dead?
Are you kidding me?
I don't know if it's a he, a she
or an it, man. I don't care.
We need to grab Cathy
and we need to get out of here.
Is she okay?
I mean, she has a pulse, dude.
L don't know.
Bill...
what are you doing here, man?
L could have sworn
I saw you guys take off.
How did you get away?
Are you kidding me, Jim?
I know this place like
the back of my hand.
Jim...
How many friends
do you have now, Steve?
Revenge, huh?
Don't call it revenge.
Think of it as...
time-released justice.
Fuck you, assholes.
Well, Jim,
turns out that
Norman Bates was wrong.
Seems a boy's best friend
isn't his mother.
It's his older brother.
Each murder he committed
was like a little present.
He wasn't just playing.
He was playing for me.
Some monsters are harder
to recognize than others, Jim.
Thanks for
your help, Cathy.
Don't be such a wimp.
The guy's right there.
I told you, Colleen,
if you're gonna pull this crap,
you could have just
stayed at home.
Will you just leave me
alone, you idiot?
Well...
Jerk.
Come on already.
Two tickets, please.
Round trip or one way?
Go on, get on.
It's not gonna bite you.
You see? It's all fake,
you little baby.
Don't you feel stupid now?
Ooh-hh...
Look at that devil face.
You're not looking. Look.
Mmm, it's kind of cool.
Stop it, jerk!
Oh, poor baby.
Want me to change your diaper?
Whoa, look at that.
Imagine if this whole ride
shut down right now.
We would have to find
our way back out on foot.
lt might take hours.
Look at that fire, Colleen.
That's awesome!
You're not looking.
You are such a little girl, Colleen.
You know that?
I'm gonna start calling
you Colleen Crybaby.
L knew I should have left you home,
Colleen Crybaby.
I'm gonna make you get out
and walk this ride all by yourself.
You know what?
Sam!
All right, you stupid...
ride.
Sam!
? She's lying
right next to me...?
Cathy, am I even gonna
need a bathing suit in New Orleans?
L don't think so, Liz. Oh, unless
you're gonna pull your top down
- for "Girls Gone Stupid."
- What, like this? Whoo!
You know you're going to.
You'd love that.
Can you tell me again
why we're going there
and not someplace with palm trees
and umbrella drinks?
The money that we're going to save
by enduring this trip
with the boys...
And I do mean "endure"...
Will more than make up
for food, fun
and anything else we might need.
Think of it as business,
not pleasure, Liz.
I'm glad you suggested
we go to New Orleans.
It's retro. You feel me?
It's like something
our grandparents would have done.
Yeah, well, I was hoping
the female population down there
- skewed younger than that.
- When they were our age,
- you freak show.
- Right.
Anyway, spring break's become
this market-laden excuse
for multinational consumer product
companies to pass out samples of shit,
like deodorant and condoms.
Fuck! "Final Cut," dude.
I love this book.
What are you doing reading this?
You gave it to me
for my birthday.
- Oh.
- Take it out of the bag
and put one of these in instead.
We're going to spring break,
not to the library.
- What is this?
- It's a condom.
And you have to use it
when you're not having sex with her.
You know about her?
You know that Jim's
driving us, right?
Yeah, I know that.
Are you okay with that,
after what happened?
What happened was
I got really drunk
and I hooked up with someone
I shouldn't have hooked up with.
- It happened once, come on.
- You do it every weekend.
- Once.
- Stop, stop.
It's like the measles.
It's out of my system.
- Okay okay.
- Drop it.
You do know how I get
when I get a few drinks in me...
I could basically probably hook up
with anyone.
- The whole school knows how you get.
- Shut up.
Do you realize that
Michael Cimino almost bankrupted
United Artists with "Heaven's Gate"?
It's just such an abuse
of production.
Why don't you take it down a notch
with the movie mania?
We're trying to fit in.
What's the deal
with you and Steve?
I don't know. My whole situation
reeks of clich?
L mean, all this together,
apart, together, apart...
I'm fucking dizzy at this point.
And then the shit
he pulled this semester.
- So what did you tell him?
- I like the sound of alone.
Do you still love him?
L don't know.
You know, I'm 19 years old.
What do I know about love?
L highly doubt that quickies
in the dorm room
and a romantic Saturday evening
by a frat keg qualify.
L look at it like this... I mean,
if I can get
through this trip as friends,
then that's all she wrote.
If I can't keep
my hands off him,
then, well, we'll see.
Oh, so you're taking
the scientific approach.
- Do you still love her?
- Who the hell knows?
If we don't fuck during vacation,
I'm guessing it's done.
If she can't keep her hands off me,
we'll see.
So you're taking
the Tommy Lee approach.
You can say that.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah, it was totally nuts.
Hi.
Oh, God, there they are. Hey!
Wait a minute. Why would you want them
to come with us
if you don't think
you two are still dating?
Gas costs?
Doesn't the expression "bringing sand
to the beach" mean anything to you?
I'm not too worried about it.
Although I gotta admit it, it's kind
of blowing my hitchhiker fantasy.
What, you always wanted
to blow a hitchhiker?
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hello.
- How are you doing?
- Hi.
Okay, gang, so we all set
to do this or what?
Big Daddy's gotta go.
Well, when's Big Daddy
gonna come home?
The road's calling,
honey. I gotta go.
Bye. See ya.
What up, man? How you doing?
- Hey.
- What's shakin'?
Hey.
Elizabeth,
it's been a long time.
Time was the only long
thing you ever gave me,
Big Daddy. And it's Liz.
Ow!
You got AAA for this dump?
Seriously,
you guys, don't talk shit...
about my baby.
They didn't mean it.
The '70s called.
They want your baby back.
That is so funny. He's creative.
He's like the kissing bandit.
Bill, thanks
for the invite, man.
Should be a lot of fun.
Yeah, no, I'm just happy
to be invited.
Boy's gonna get him some tail.
My boy's gonna get him some tail.
Come on, stop it!
Wouldn't hurt a cripple.
Hello, "Midnight Cowboy."
John Schlesinger, you know?
Jon Voigt, Joe Buck.
Guys, it's a classic.
It's the first and only
X-rated film ever to win an Oscar
for Best Picture.
Who are you people?
- Get in.
- You've never heard of it?
L love the shag.
All right, let's hit the road, kids.
Everybody buckle up.
♪ Making change ♪
♪ ln factions... ♪
♪ Yeah, the kids ♪
♪ Are all right... ♪
♪ It's a scene every night... ♪
♪ If the best is really ♪
♪ yet to come ♪
♪ We'd all stay ♪
♪ Longer ♪
♪ And all the seasons ♪
♪ that we ran ♪
♪ Too quickly through ♪
♪ Have passed... ♪
I guess it's a self-serve.
Sure this place is open?
Well, all the lights
are on, so yes, I do.
Maybe the guy's
taking a shit.
Must be Free Gas Friday.
No, come on, guys.
Don't screw around.
Just go check
around in the office.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi. How are you doing?
'78, that's a good year.
"Deer Hunter" won Best Picture.
Guess you didn't happen
to catch that one.
Yeah, it had this incredible
Russian roulette scene.
Nicky! Nicky!
Know of any good places
to eat around here?
Okay, have a good night.
The old guy in the back,
he didn't say a word to me.
You guys figure it out.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Dude, your boy can't even handle
- the gas-station attendant.
- He's working on it.
Hello.
Yo.
- Just drop some cash and let's jet.
- Dude, all I have are $20s.
Not happening.
"No matter how much
you shake or dance,
the last drop ends up
on your pants."
Poetic but true.
It's the vanishing man.
- What?
- Uh...
You think I have
another shot with Liz?
Okay, where'd this guy go?
Hey, excuse me.
Who do I have to blow
around here to pay
for some gas
and get out of here?
That'll be $16 even. Here's a coupon
for your friend out there.
He mentioned he'd like
to get some grub.
Stuckey Ribs is the best
in the area.
This'll save you $2.50
on every entree.
Thank you. That's very
helpful of you.
Now about that blowjob...
Jim tried to give
an old guy a blowjob.
- No, I didn't, asshole.
- What happened?
You should have seen
the guy in there, man.
He was talking to us about coupons,
about gas in this town.
We got a coupon for a restaurant.
- Liz, where's Bill?
- I don't know.
- L thought he was with you.
- Right here, right here.
Look at this.
Look at what I found in the bathroom.
What, another STD?
- Another STD?
- Another?
"Bleedings from Asbury Park,"
the Jersey shore's infamous
historic attraction.
25 of the most terrifying rooms
for your horrific pleasure,
the Dark Ride celebrates
"its grand reopening April 17. "
Let me see that, dude.
I know about this thing.
- L heard about it.
- Really?
- And that makes you cool how?
- Blow me.
Very lame.
There's things like this
at every amusement park.
Yeah, and Ferris wheels.
Big scary Ferris wheels.
Okay, wait. What is a dark ride?
It's the horror attraction
at amusement parks or boardwalks.
Yeah, it's like that
"Little Rascals" episode
from the '20s on Coney lsland.
Didn't catch it.
It's basically carts on tracks,
slamming through doors.
L love those things.
They're so scary.
No, I read about this place.
Something happened in there.
This is the real thing.
The place had been shut down
for 20 years.
It's gotta be the first time
it's opened since.
Well, it must have been
quite a something
to shut the whole place down
for that long.
Yoo-hoo!
Anybody home?
Strictly vegetarian, my ass.
Why is this freak always
on the floor?
L know your face is
all fucked up,
but you don't
gotta hide from us.
We're your friends, buddy.
What's the matter?
You don't fancy
the accommodations, sir?
Your mattress too soft?
No chocolate on the pillows?
They've been keeping you
on carrots and codeine
for a long time now.
L know you don't think
you're special.
Seems to me it's
about time for a change.
You hear me, freak?
L think some good old
USDA prime beef
might be just
what the doctor ordered.
A little bit of iron
oughta toughen you right up.
Let's get out of here.
This is a stupid idea.
Look at his ears.
L think he's deaf.
He don't give a shit
what you feed him.
What? I hear vegetarians
get sick if they eat meat.
L just wanna see
if that's true, is all.
L mean, this is a hospital.
There's nothing wrong with
a little bit of a scientific experiment.
He's a zombie.
Let's go and mess with the girls.
That's more fun.
What, you're in a rush now?
We got all night.
Give me that meat.
Oh, yeah.
Dinnertime, dickhead.
What's the matter?
Is it too bloody for you?
A little bit too rare?
You want me to send it
back to the chef
so he can cook it up
just right for you?
- What's the matter?
- Yeah.
This is a bust.
You're wasting a perfectly
good piece of meat.
What was that?
Well, maybe the poor baby's
got a cold.
He could be allergic.
Let's get out of here.
You're not allergic,
are you? Eat.
Eat it! Essen!
This is choice stuff.
Put some hair on your...
Just...
Hey, have any of you guys actually
ever been to one of these places?
I went to something like this
when I was a kid down in Orlando.
It scared the crap out of me.
L had nightmares
for two years after that.
- You always have nightmares.
- Only when I think about your face.
You guys are not gonna
have that problem on this trip.
We pass by the joint
three days before it opens.
Hey, did someone
just say "joint"?
That's too bad.
Sounds like it could have been fun.
Oh, bullshit, Liz. A beggar says "boo,"
and you get scared straight.
You never would have gone in the place.
You're only all tough about it now
'cause the option's
off the table.
It's kiddie shit.
Of course I would have gone.
L bet cash money you would never even
set foot in the place.
You're such a fucking cheating asshole,
Steve. I'll take that bet.
You gotta be the toughest,
coolest, bravest person
in the fucking room,
in every room.
- Guys, come on, chill out.
- There is one way to settle this.
How's that?
Anybody feel like saving
a little money on a room tonight?
No way!
Why not way?
Come on, let's do it.
L mean, we can do
whatever we want.
Yeah. Yeah, it could be cool.
All I ever read about is
how doomed our generation is, okay,
how we do nothing,
and we have it so easy?
So let's do something.
I'm in.
- Try to keep me away.
- You're all nuts.
Fuck the motel, guys.
This sounds really fucking cool.
This is something we're gonna be
talking about for a long time.
I think we should
check it out, okay?
If it's cool, we'll go in.
If not, we'll leave.
Okay, sounds like a plan.
Look, guys, if we stay
in the Dark Ride tonight,
we increase our funding
supplies for spring break,
if you catch my drift.
Good God.
- Holy shit.
- What?
Bill, how much longer?
- That would depend.
- On what?
On whether Jim
picks up this hitchhiker.
- Do not stop this van.
- Hey, that was my fantasy.
This is almost as good as the old man
at the gas station.
I'll bet she's either
a psycho or a nympho.
Well, what is she doing
out here all by herself?
She's a homeless,
psychotic nymphomaniac.
Where's she gonna be,
Park Avenue?
How do we know she is alone?
Maybe her boyfriend's waiting
behind her 20 feet
with a chainsaw.
- Maybe her car broke down.
- She looks kind of broke down.
L don't see a car.
You know, guys, I saw this one
"Twilight Zone" episode...
Shh!
I feel obliged to pick up
this hot piece of ass.
Call it my civic duty.
Call it your raging hard-on.
Hello. Hi.
- Hop in. All right.
- Awesome.
- Sweet.
- Move.
All right.
- How are you doing?
- I'm good. How are you?
- I'm Jim.
- Jim, Jen.
"J" s!
That's right - Hi.
- Where are you headed?
- Where are you from?
Jacksonville. Boston.
Did your car break down?
L don't really believe
in owning cars.
How ironic. Cathy here
doesn't believe in seat belts.
L totally believe in seat belts.
Safety first.
This from a girl who thumbs her way
across the country
accepting rides from strangers.
Bill, can I borrow
your phone real quick?
Yeah yeah, it's in my bag.
I generally feel
that people are basically good.
However, this one time
I was following this Phish tour...
Man, I just love those guys...
So this guy, anyway,
driving this really
bitching Beamer stops for me.
So, chitchat chitchat.
He was a doctor or a banker,
I don't know, a mortician or something.
So he asks me where I'm going.
And don't ask me
how it got started,
but we get
on the subject of music.
Now I don't know a lot
of things, but in fact,
music is the one thing
that I am extremely
familiar with.
L just get it, get it?
So this yuppie dickhead
starts telling me about music
and how back in the day...
And I'm like...
How ADD kids are nowadays,
and I'm like, "Fuck!"
You know, "back in the day"?
Music transcends time and space.
Man, it's like a whole
symbiotic relationship
between... are you feeling me?
It's a like a whole
symbiotic relationship
between life, death,
malls, pets,
health and nutrition.
So Mr. 2.4 Kids,
he tries to kiss me!
He actually has his
fucking sweaty paws
all over me!
So what I did was...
What I did was,
I just leaned over
and I smashed down really hard
in a really sensitive place.
Are you feeling me?
My aim was dead on!
Ding-dong.
L rang the bell
and won the kewpie doll, man.
L also happened to lose my ride.
Took me like four hours
to get another one.
What was my point?
Oh, yeah.
You know, I generally have to
believe that people
are basically good.
Does anyone mind that I'm
sitting in the front seat?
Well, Jen, welcome aboard.
Oh, I knew you guys were cool
soon as I saw the van.
Yeah, she's my sweet baby.
You should know
we plan to detour.
We're gonna spend
the night there.
Man, I love dark rides.
You guys mind if I tag along?
Funny, I thought
you already had.
Don't worry.
I'll hold my own weight.
Anyone want to go
on a real trip?
Oh, God...
I think I love you.
Right back at you.
L haven't been here in so long.
Where is this place?
Asbury Park.
Asbury Park. Never been here.
Look at what a shit
old town this is.
Shit old towns are the best.
Holy shit.
Those fucking mushrooms
just kicked in.
Yeah? Are you feeling it?
Hey, isn't Asbury Park
where Springsteen was born?
Look at this place.
It looks closed.
L mean, like,
gone-for-the-winter closed.
God, it's kind of creepy, huh?
God, I live for this shit!
Okay, this obviously sucks.
If you wanna save money,
can we just sleep in the van?
Whoa whoa, what the hell's that?
Hey, kill the lights, dude.
Well, that's that.
No no no, he probably makes
his rounds about every hour or so.
There's plenty
of time to get inside.
He's a rent-a-cop.
I'm surprised he doesn't
ride a fucking bicycle.
Come on.
Let's go around the back.
We can figure out
a way to get in.
Oh, great,
we picked up Catwoman.
Look, he's leaving.
- Let go of me.
- Come on now. That's a boy.
- Hey, he's going.
- Yeah, and so should we.
Cathy, could be fun.
That's right, Jen.
It could also not be fun.
- See how that works?
- Jesus, Cath, chill out.
Fuck chill, Jim.
Okay, this is supposed
to be for laughs, right?
Fine, I'll wait here and call for me
when your laughs begin.
- Cath, come on.
- You know where to find me.
I'm fine. Go.
Go.
Yaa-ow!
Have fun with little
Miss Too Cool for School.
In fact, why don't you just have fun?
That's what you're good at.
Oh, nice.
I'm sorry.
Do what you want
with that, but...
And I really do miss you.
Go ahead.
The Dark Ride's waiting.
Jen, Jen,
come here, listen.
L have an idea.
Oh, man,
this place is frickin'
huge...
Oh my God.
God! Jesus!
Come on!
This place is fucking great.
Whoa, shit!
What's up?
Way to go, bro.
Come on. Come in, come in.
Nice and dry.
How did you get the lights on?
Liz, seriously, do you think the only
thing I made in shop class were bongs?
No, seriously, though,
I just put a few wires together
- and pushed a few buttons.
- Ooh, I like a man who knows
what to do with his hands.
- I'm shocked.
- What's that?
I'm soaked.
You know, we really
should go get Cathy.
Cathy knows where we are.
If she wants
- to join us, she can, right?
- Right.
L agree. We should
check this place out.
Let's go. Come on.
Cool.
Just think, I could have hitched
a ride with a stalker.
Oh my God.
Look at the motion.
Oh my God.
How cool is that?
Yeah yeah yeah.
Hey, dude, don't fuck with anything.
We don't wanna
add destruction of property
to the breaking and entering charge.
Shh! Steve, Steve,
just let it go.
Let it go.
Had to go and take
those 'shrooms, didn't you?
Put it down.
Steve, Steve, really, it's okay.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it, shh!
What is this?
What's wrong, Jim?
What did you do
to the face, Jim?
Nothing.
Yeah.
All right, moving on.
Mmm.
Dude, I cannot believe
Cathy's missing this shit.
This place
is fucking cool, right?
Jim, light me, please.
- Easy easy, Jim.
- Easy.
What do you think?
I have to say,
this isn't too bad.
Got a little smoke.
Got a little...
Motherfucker!
Can't we unplug these things?
- Did you see that?
- See what?
There's someone...
There's someone watching us
though that window.
You sure, Liz?
You're pretty high.
Never mind.
Yes, and there is definitely no shortage
of someones
lurking in this fucking place.
God, you gotta wonder
how all this negative energy
affects this place.
L mean, it can't be good.
You're closer to the truth
than you know, Jen-Jen.
Do you guys know why
they closed down this ride, huh?
- It's a local legend.
- Yeah, I grew up in Ocean Grove,
one town over.
Fuckin'-A, man.
I didn't know you were from there.
- You're from Jersey, brother?
- Yeah.
Well, you had to have heard
of the story, man...
about two sisters.
Let me see that. Thank you.
About two sisters
who died right here.
Yeah, they were twins.
L think it was back in '89.
So what happened?
They were murdered,
disemboweled.
At their funerals,
it was closed casket.
Nobody wanted
to view the bodies.
It was, I mean,
huge out here.
It was in all the newspapers.
Wow, Jim, then it must be true.
What an imbecile.
How about we turn the page
on this one, guys?
Legend goes
that there was this man,
this hideous, deformed,
monsterlike man
that wore a mask
over his face, killed them.
Supposedly, the man had,
like, a mental capacity
of a five-year-old.
He lived right here
in this Dark Ride.
What, he lived in the ride?
Yes, he lived in the ride.
See, the guy who operated
the ride adopted two kids...
two very different kids.
There was the younger one
who was normal,
and there was the older one.
He was the one
with all the deformities.
So he kept him down here
locked up
in a dark ride.
Yeah, I think I heard
something like that.
But I think it happened
in Wisconsin.
Really?
Well, I heard something
similar, but it was this
traveling dark ride
that moved from state to state
to these different carnivals.
It was like...
Urban legends, right?
No no.
That's cute, but no,
this is not an urban legend.
Did they go to jail?
See, in the end
the taxpayers prevailed.
The ride was closed...
and the monster expired.
- Who's got the weed?
- Dude.
All right.
Yeah, so that's what happened.
Well, why didn't you
tell us this when we saw the flier?
Because I wanted you
to come here,
and if I would have told you the story,
you wouldn't have came.
So I didn't.
You know, with all
the scary shit going on,
it was nuts. The kids were dead
and the town was crazy.
Jim, there's...
there's one little problem
with your story.
What's that, Bill?
The same problem
most people have
is that they just believe
whatever they hear
without ever questioning it.
Newspapers take more
liberty with the fact
than "E! True Hollywood Story."
See, your guys'
quote-unquote monster
never died.
He was shot that day,
but he's very much alive.
If you ask me,
he should have been sent
to the electric chair
for what he did.
Instead, they just set him up
in some mental hospital.
And how would you know?
Dude, you're fucking with us.
He's fucking with us.
I wish I was.
Those two teenagers...
You know, the ones
that were last killed...
those were my cousins.
- Your cousins.
- Bullshit.
Oh my God. Are you serious?
That's how I know that
Jonah's still alive.
Why does it always have to
be Jonah or Jason
or Jedidiah?
L mean, why can't it
be Bob or Gus
or even Chris?
No no. Give him a break.
Let him finish.
Or Ernie. Lt could be Ernie.
Well, Elizabeth,
Ernie is not his name.
It's Jonah.
And he's not a monster.
God, we do love our monsters
in this country.
But a murderer killed
my two cousins, not a monster.
The police psychologist
said the sick bastard
was actually playing
with his victims.
Can you believe that?
He was reenacting the sets
from within the ride.
So he mimicked
whatever he saw in this place?
Yeah.
Jonah see, Jonah do.
That is heavy, dude.
L am so sorry.
Well, that was more interesting
than movie trivia.
I shouldn't have
brung it up. I'm sorry.
No, Jim, it's not
your fault it happened.
Besides, these are
the kinds of stories
you tell in places
like this, right,
to try and scare
the hell out of everyone?
The only difference is,
usually you're making it up.
This one's real.
Cue the thunder and lightning.
Ooh!
That's cool. Look at this.
Steve.
A fucking light.
Grab a lantern
from the set over there
so we can see what
the hell's going on in here.
Come on.
- It won't reach.
- Oh, shit.
Hey, grab that mirror.
Bounce this off it.
L don't see anything.
No no no, bounce it up.
Okay, wait.
I think it's over there.
There's nothing in here.
Wait wait wait. What was that?
- What the...? No! Oh!
- Oh my God!
Cathy! Cathy!
Help! Help! Help!
Got you. I'm so sorry.
L couldn't help myself.
I'm sorry.
You looked like such a dork.
Oh, my God. That was so good.
Oh, man, you should have
seen the look on your face.
First, you're all like, "Oh!"
And then you did, like, this great...
lt was fucking killer.
Aw, you still really care.
After what you said back there
in the van, I was gonna...
No, fuck you, Cathy.
And stay fucked for a while.
Well, I wouldn't call
three minutes
including foreplay
"a while," would you?
What the hell
happened here?
What?
- It's awesome.
- You were in on this?
Did you plan
this whole thing?
- You were in on this.
- Yeah.
And, you know,
when we picked up Jen,
I kinda figured she'd be better
to get you in the room than me.
So I just pulled her aside
and asked her to help.
Guilty.
Do you guys honestly
think I would have stayed
in the van by myself?
No, I faked.
- So you planned this trip?
- Yeah.
- Were you fucking in on this?
- I had nothing to do with it.
Calm down.
It was just me and Bill. Oh my God.
And coming to the Dark Ride
was all part
of your little prank?
You know, I was just kinda dying
to check it out.
But seriously,
my parents never let me
go to my cousins' funeral.
L never even went to their gravesite.
I've never even been here.
So, I don't know,
in some sick, twisted way
it's kind of like closure to me.
But the flier...
I had that with me. That would have
shown up anywhere we were.
It would have showed up
wherever we were.
Jesus, Bill, that's
pretty freakin' extreme
just to go for a laugh.
That rocked. That was great!
I'm so proud of you.
Well, your friend Steve here left me
in a rather extreme position
a few months back
when I walked into his room
and found his dick inside
Sarah D'Amato.
- This is about that?
- You fucked Sarah D'Amato?
Yes, it is about that, Steve.
L know you don't think it's a big deal,
but it was to me.
Steve, you had sex
with Sarah D'Amato?
Yeah, and she's not
a fucking psycho. This isn't funny.
Playing dead isn't funny.
- Lt was funny.
- That was harsh.
Hey, you know
what they say...
Don't hate the playa,
hate the game.
Oh, come on, Stevie.
Kiss my neck.
You know how much I like that.
- Jeez.
- And you, you little piece of shit...
- Stop it!
- No, you stop it.
- Lay off him!
- You don't get to say anything now.
You, you want some trivia?
How many friends do you have now?
Anyone? Anyone?
Well, now you've got none.
Lay off him. Stop.
L should have left you beating off
in the fucking dorm room.
Bad joke.
Well, unless you
have an encore planned...
ls there anyone else
you need to exact revenge on?
I'm done.
Dude, I would totally
beat your ass
if you did that to me.
But you didn't,
and it was great.
L didn't know you had it in you.
Look at you coming out
of your shell.
Now that you're done,
can we please leave?
This place creeps me out.
You wanna make out or... ?
- Okay.
- Lt never works.
Scared the shit out
of your cheating ex-boyfriend.
- That was priceless.
- Lt was good.
That was so awesome.
I have a feeling by next weekend
you're gonna need
a new roommate.
Probably.
That's weird.
The door is locked.
Well, open it.
Well, I would, Elizabeth,
but the door's kind of locked
- from the outside.
- Come on, Jim, open the door.
L bet it was Steve.
Or Ernie the Slasher.
- Steve, please.
- Just relax, everyone.
Please, come on.
Steve, this isn't funny.
She's apologizing, Steve.
Come on, man, open the door.
No, seriously,
guys, though,
I did a pretty shitty job
down there on the wires.
I'm not surprised that
they didn't hold up.
I'll just go back down there
and fix 'em. I'll be right back.
- You all stay right here.
- Actually, you know what?
L was thinking about
wandering aimlessly in the dark.
It's what I do for fun.
Jesus Christ, Jen, you almost
gave me a fucking heart attack.
Your heart rate's not exactly
what I wanted to get a rise out of.
These 'shrooms are really
fucking kicking in.
Yeah, I know.
Well, they were on for a minute.
Maybe he's working on it.
L bet that little slut
is working on him.
Holy shit. I didn't even realize
she wasn't with us.
Hey, did you see Steve,
following me down here?
Because I wanna grab him
and get the hell out of here.
Oh, really?
- Oh my God.
- Oh, God.
Don't you feel good?
We don't exactly
have to leave right now.
It's kind of awkward timing.
You know what I mean?
My timing is what
makes this interesting.
What about the others?
Couldn't find their way
down here with a road map.
But I heard them
screaming and shit.
Yeah, I think we should
let the children play
their children games.
Besides, we have
some adult games to get to.
Oh, God, I love you.
Excuse me...
just one moment.
- What are you gonna do?
- Just a little...
Just a little mood lighting,
a little mood music.
Sorry I don't have cigarettes.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Fucking Steve, I hate him.
I'm so done with him.
I bet he's screwing with the lights.
- What goes around comes around, right?
- Screw you, Liz.
Sorry.
L can't see a thing.
I don't like this, you guys.
Hey, Liz, watch out for the tracks.
Don't sprain your ankle.
Look, I don't know
what you guys are thinking,
but if we're gonna
get out of here,
we've gotta find
our way downstairs.
- Ln the dark?
- Yeah.
We could use the concert method.
What's the concert method?
You have a lighter, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, let's go.
This is better.
Thanks.
St-Steve?
They keep screaming.
Something's wrong.
Oh, God, I love this song.
They're just joking.
They're just joking.
- Okay.
- They're just messing around.
Oh, thank you.
L think we have to go,
and we have to go now.
We've gotta get help.
Where did Bill go?
Jim! Jim!
What's going on?
Oh, Jen, you cannot leave me
hanging like this.
It's unhealthy.
Jen, you're killing me.
Please. Thank you.
?...I think I'm going out
of my head?
? I think I'm going
out of my head?
? I think I'm going out
of my head...?
Oh, what did I do to deserve this?
Oh, God, I'm almost there.
Oh, God.
Come here. Give me a kiss.
What the fuck? Oh my God!
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
Come back.
What the fuck are you doing?
Don't fucking leave me.
Oh, God!
Help me! Somebody
let me out of here!
Please.
Somebody help me!
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Oh, God.
- What?
- Shh shh shh!
- What?
- Do you hear that?
- Cathy.
- It's okay.
All right, listen to me.
Shh, it's okay.
Shh, I lost it
back there. I did.
Listen to me, all right?
I lost it back there.
L did. But I'm back now.
We have to find a way
out of here.
There has to be another exit,
or fire-code, something.
This is a fucking
amusement park ride
for God's sakes.
There's fucking rules.
Shh shh shh.
- I'm too tired.
- We're almost out. Come on.
- No no no no. Where are you going?
- This is my fault.
Don't you get it?
I'm the reason we're here.
L brought us here.
L have to go find the others!
- Go get help!
- Go get help...
Cathy!
Cath.
Cath!
That might be her!
Where are you?
Yeah, this is Reggie.
I'm at the northeast side
of the boardwalk,
requesting backup.
Henry, Lou.
- That means you guys.
- What's the problem, Reggie?
I got a report that there was some
noises coming from the Dark Ride.
L'm gonna go check it out.
Sounds good to me.
How can I help you?
Well, by definition
of the term "backup, "
I'm asking you to back me up.
- Reinforcements are on the way.
- 10-4.
Anybody in here?
This is security.
Anybody in this building?
Oh my God!
Ls anybody
in this building?
Hello!
Oh my God, please...
Hello! Anybody here?
God damn, girl,
what the hell are you doing in here?
All right, look,
everything's gonna be okay.
Just calm down.
Come with me.
We'll call your parents, all right?
Just relax.
What are you pointing at?
L told you, miss,
everything's gonna be just fine.
If you relax...
You'd better get over there
before Reggie splits.
You got it.
Wait, please.
Come on. Work, please.
No!
Oh my God!
Come on, you fucking phone!
Jim!
Oh my God.
No! No!
Cathy?
Cathy. Cathy.
Cathy, wake up.
Cath. Oh, shit.
- Jim.
- Bill.
Bill.
Dude, you're...
You're alive, man.
Are you okay?
Dude, I'm about as far from okay
as okay gets, man.
I'm freaking out of my skull.
You need to get us
the fuck out of here, Bill.
Shh, it's over now.
L know. It's okay.
It's over now.
Is he dead?
Are you kidding me?
I don't know if it's a he, a she
or an it, man. I don't care.
We need to grab Cathy
and we need to get out of here.
Is she okay?
I mean, she has a pulse, dude.
L don't know.
Bill...
what are you doing here, man?
L could have sworn
I saw you guys take off.
How did you get away?
Are you kidding me, Jim?
I know this place like
the back of my hand.
Jim...
How many friends
do you have now, Steve?
Revenge, huh?
Don't call it revenge.
Think of it as...
time-released justice.
Fuck you, assholes.
Well, Jim,
turns out that
Norman Bates was wrong.
Seems a boy's best friend
isn't his mother.
It's his older brother.
Each murder he committed
was like a little present.
He wasn't just playing.
He was playing for me.
Some monsters are harder
to recognize than others, Jim.
Thanks for
your help, Cathy.