Darby and the Dead (2022) - full transcript

If I had to pick a
yearbook quote, it would be,

"Lonely in life,
popular in death."

See that girl flying up in the air?

That's me, Darby Harper.

My upbringing was
pretty awesome at first.

That's my mom.

I was following in her
iconic cheer footsteps.

Back then, I thought I knew who
I was and who I wanted to be.

- Until everything came crashing down.
- There's Dad.

Darby!

My mom and I died
on the same day.



One. Two…

And even though I technically
came back from the other side,

I was never the same.

What was different about me?
Are you sitting down for this?

I see dead people.

Everywhere.

And it turns out the dead,

or "Deados" as I like to
call them, - Excuse me.

Actually needed my help.

Hey.

So, that's when I turned
my back on the living world

and decided to start
my little side hustle,

- counseling local spirits.
- Hello.

Over time, I learned that not
every person who died stuck around.



Only those who have some
unfinished business.

And this is where I come in…

…as a spiritual messenger of sorts,

making sure the Deados don't get stuck
in a world that no longer sees them.

With my assistance, these
spirits were able to cross over,

which is pretty beautiful.

Word spread in the purgatory circuit,
and my after-school job took off.

Hey, how are you?

There's no pay,

but if dead people gratitude
had monetary value,

I'd be Jeff Bezos.

You'd think witnessing dead people
say, "Goodbye" over and over again

would be my biggest burden,

but it is a distant second

to the torturous realm where I am
forced to spend my days, high school.

I can't believe you think this is a
better education than homeschooling.

I mean, look at them.

Honey, I have a hard time getting
you to come out for dinner.

I mean, how else can I
get you to socialize?

I make, like, ten new dead friends a
week. How much more social can I get?

I love you.

Love you too.

Try to have a good day.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, isn't that Capri Donahue?

Honey, I just don't get why
you two stopped hanging out.

You were joined at the hip.
Maybe y'all should reconnect.

Oh, no. I lost my
hard-earned smile.

It truly amazes me that at the
most formative time of their lives,

a time that should be
about self-discovery,

and finding what is individual
and unique about themselves,

they instead choose to
homogenize in groups

that give them the unhealthy
acceptance they so deeply crave.

You're so lucky
your mom let you.

I was going under the knife
for my deviated septum anyway,

so we just thought that we'd get
my boobs done at the same time.

And that's why I'd rather hang out
with the unliving than the unwoke.

- Gross, sorry.
- Hey, dude,

La Croix eruption at
Mount McMuffin, dude.

Did I mention that I spent last
Friday night discussing modern art

with a woman who claimed to be
Frida Kahlo's lover? Just saying.

In the ecosystem of high school,

I'm basically a hermit
crab hiding under a reef.

And I wouldn't have
it any other way.

That's my friend, Gary. He's a
"Stayer." A Stayer is a Deado who...

- Oh, my God. No way!
- I know. And she said, "Fetch."

- Ew.
- Your jacket is really cute, by the way.

Oh, thanks. It's amazing what I can do
with a sewing machine and a little thread.

Capri Donahue.

Head phony. Ever heard of someone
described as having solid character?

Oh, my God. The Sweet
Seventeen promo video?

- I know.
- Oh, I'm living for it.

Well, Capri's is
pure particle board.

I know!

Good morning, Miss Lyman. You
look like a breath of fresh air.

Kiss ass.

Oh, Darby. Forgot you went here.

Hmm.

- Babe.
- Jamesy!

I missed you.

In case you couldn't tell by that
dramatic Bachelor Nation -style spin,

that's Capri's boyfriend.

James Harris was a band geek

who had been completely
invisible to Capri until...

Even though he didn't make it
past the blind audition round,

it was enough fame for Capri

to turn her chair and set
her thirsty hooks in him.

Good morning, newly minted junior class.

- Whoo!
- Welcome to biology lab.

Before you get too comfortable, I've
paired you up with your lab partner

alphabetically by last name.

Go ahead and take a
seat with that person.

I don't even have to look at the list.
Ever since first grade, it's always...

- Harper.
- Harris.

Uh, Miss Lyman, I need to
be partnered with James

because I'm trained to assist
him with his learning disability.

He has dyslexia.

No, he doesn't.

I'm sure James will
manage on his own, Capri.

Capri knows I'm the one person
she can't get to like her.

I'm the one girl in school
who doesn't wanna be her,

the one person who can
see through her bullshit.

Hi, baby.

Babe, I'm at a different table.
I'm not going off to war.

Oh, my God. Don't even say that.

All right. Let's get started.

Uh, excuse me, Miss Lyman?
There's an ass on my desk.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is a fresh blowout.

I didn't even see
anyone was sitting here.

Freak show.

I'm sorry. She can be a little
extra sometimes.

Extra psychotic.

- I like your Chucks.
- Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

James is a good guy.

He was actually my first crush back
in sixth grade.

Before I realized that romantic
relationships are just a social construct

people created to avoid the fact that
we're all helplessly alone in this world.

Mmm. I got you this time.

I do.

- Hmm. Boom.
- Eh, nah, nah, nah, nah. Bishop to e4.

Ugh, crap. That's...

Yeah, that's... That
would be checkmate.

Mmm.

And that would also
be two more bucks you owe me, kid.

Come on. You don't
even use money.

I know, I know. But I love
to leave it in Linda's purse.

She gets a big boost when she finds it.
Treat herself to some fancy coffee drink.

All right. That is
pretty frigging adorable.

All right,
come on. Pay up.

I really
wish you took Venmo.

I hope you have a
wonderful rest of the day.

Thank you, Gary. I
appreciate it. I'll try.

Hey, hi. Uh, you're the girl
from the bleachers, right?

Uh, I don't talk
to clients here.

Uh.

Come by my office Friday night,
okay? That's where I work.

Work...

- Oh, shit.
- Are you okay?

I mean, you look like
you've just seen a ghost.

The opposite,
actually. I thought you were...

Never mind. I just... I
haven't seen you before.

Great. You two found each other.

- Alex is new, and he's gonna need…
- Oh, God. Please, no.

…a junior study buddy
to show him the ropes.

He just transferred
in from a Montessori school,

so all this is pretty
foreign to him.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know if
I'm the best person to do that.

Sure, you are. You're an honors
student, and you both seem like such...

- He's thinking, "Weirdos."
- Abstract thinkers.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Extracurricular activities
meet-and-greet starts in ten minutes.

Walk Alex through it. Help him
acclimatize.

- That guy. Uh, we're... Yep.
- Yep. Okay.

So, do you have any burning questions
about Frederick Douglass High

I can answer in the
next two minutes?

Uh, that for starters.

Yeah, the superintendent passed a
bill allowing corporate sponsorship

of cafeterias so that schools could
save on the cost of lunches.

Jeez.

My old school didn't have
this type of structure.

You know, the bell telling
you when and where to go,

having to raise your hand to
get permission to take a leak.

Public school is only a few
rules away from the Marines.

Yeah. That's funny.

So, why did you
leave Montessori?

I had a bit of a rough patch last
year. You know, some issues, so...

I feel your pain,
junior class buddy.

So, who do you hang with?

Uh, I don't.

Oh. The lone wolf.

You said something
earlier about your work?

Oh, no. N... It was
nothing.

I thought you were someone else.

Um, I do some social
work on Friday nights.

Social work?

When in doubt, the truth gets
people to bug off every time.

Yeah. Yeah, it's for dead people. I
help them pass on to the next realm.

Uh...

That's really cool. I'm actually
into psychic mediums too.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. What are the odds?

That backfired.

So, uh, are you
in any of these clubs?

Maybe in another lifetime.

At my old school, I had
a Stephen King book club.

Oh, uh-huh.

But you know, if I'm forced
to be here, which I am,

I've decided I want the most public
school experience ever known to man.

Wow. You're quite
the glass half-full guy.

I mean, if you don't embrace
the absurdities in life, right?

It's unlivable.

Mmm.

Ooh, prom. I've seen
that in the movies.

Uh, I gotta run.

Oh. Okay, uh...

I-I'd love to talk to you more
about the paranormal stuff.

Lone wolf, Alex.

- "Lone" being the key adjective there.
- Right.

Yeah. See you.

Yeah.

Mmm. That's not good.

All right. Listen up, people.

We got a few cheerleaders here who want
to do a special presentation just for you.

And action!

Let's go.

Hi, Cougars! I'm Capri
Donahue, and this is...

Taylor.

Taylor, Bree, Piper and Todd.

And we're here to tell all the gym
classes about cheer tryouts next week.

Here's a little skit we
prepared. Hope you enjoy!

Hi! Are you new here?

Yes, I'm a freshman.

And I've always dreamed of being

a cheerleader, but I'm
so intimidated by it.

Isn't it just for
shallow, hot girls?

I'm so glad you asked. And the
answer is, that's offensive.

Cheerleaders aren't just pretty
people who are happy all the time.

We face the same
challenges. Just like you.

Really? Even you,
the head cheerleader?

- Yes, even me.
- Yeah.

But cheer allows us to be
the change that we wanna see.

We support female
empowerment, just like Beyoncé.

When one of us falls...

- The sisterhood is there to catch us.
- Jesus.

Next week, I'll be there.

Piper, at the end.

But cheer keeps
the world moving.

Because when something
gets us down...

- Cheer...
- Lifts us back up.

Let's hear it, Cougars!

Tryouts next
week, show us what you can do.

Tryouts next week!

- Now, Piper!
- "Now," what?

Next week? I'll be there.

- Shit.
- Whoo!

- Let's go, Cougars!
- Whoo!

My dad said I can only invite
50 people, but I was, like,

"Come on, the DJ tent
holds at least a hundo."

Ugh! Can we get a
corporate sponsor from…

…the electric company or
something? This is ridiculous.

Give me my clothes.

Why would I take your clothes? Not
planning on attending a funeral.

I have no problem walking up to
Principal Morgan's office in my towel

to discuss his zero
tolerance bullying policy.

Oh, my God! You're totally
gaslighting me right now.

You're the one who bullied me in front
of the entire class this morning.

You called me an ass.

Technically, I called
your actual ass an ass.

Maybe you'll understand that more when
we get to the anatomy section of bio lab.

It was just a joke. No need to go
crying to the principal, freak show.

Ow! My ass.

- Capri!
- Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just...
I slipped.

Miss Harper, thank you so
much for giving us your statement.

We'll be in touch if we have
any follow-up questions.

Miss Harper?

Uh... Yeah, yes.
Okay.

Okay.

All right, ladies.

Go home, get some rest.

Remember, we have grief
counselors available.

Seeing a dead person is a
very traumatic experience

which none of us
are equipped for.

Sorry.

Something in the
throat.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah. She was a beauty.

I know you don't like
talking about your mom.

And I'm not trying to push you.

I know Capri's death is
probably a trigger. Right?

No. No, really. I'm... I'm fine.

Honey.

I'm just tired.

So... But thank you.

Night.

- I love you.
- Love you.

Wake up, bitch. Wake up!

Oh, goddamn it.

So it's true. You can see me.

How did
you even... Uh...

Remember groundskeeper Gary?

- Uh...
- Yeah.

He told me all about
your little "ability."

Bring me back.

Darby!

Bring me back. Now!

Capri, I can't bring you back.
I can only help you move on.

Move on?

No. Cheer tryouts are next week.

My Sweet Seventeen is
coming up in a month.

I've planned it the whole year. It
costs more than my sister's wedding.

Denial.
It's the hardest stage.

Listen, I'm...
…I'm really sorry you died.

I truly am. But you are dead,

and neither I, nor anyone
else can bring you back.

Holy crap!

Did I do that?

- Am I coming back to life?
- No, dude, you're a form of energy.

So, with intense
focus and practice,

or I guess just pure,
unfiltered teenage rage,

Deados can manipulate
things in the real world.

- "Deados?"
- Yeah. Yeah, that's what I call your kind.

The in-betweeners like you.

Okay, but-but-but
what about, um, Gary?

- I mean, he died our freshman year, right?
- Yeah.

He's a Stayer. It means
he chooses to be here.

He's waiting for his wife to die
so they can pass on together.

Okay, cute. Um. Then,
I will be a Stayer too.

Yeah. I don't wanna go to some…
…creepy afterlife. No, thank you.

No, no. Capri, this is not
where you're meant to be,

so it'll be very difficult
for you to be at peace here.

Especially you, feeling like you're
missing out on all that stupid shit

you think is so important.

Oh, it might be stupid
shit to you, freak show,

but this is the best
year of my life.

Everyone thinks senior
year is peak, but no.

Seniors have one foot
out the door to college.

I am at the epicenter of the
ultimate high school experience.

I'm not
going anywhere.

You literally will never be
able to see yourself again.

You're dead.

So is all that shit
you care about.

Cheer championships,
homecoming, your birthday.

You can't experience it anymore.

I'm sorry.

Look, I can deliver whatever
message you want to whomever.

But once you make the decision
to move on, you move on.

Look, you can stay here
tonight if you're freaked out.

But I'm going to sleep
because, well, I'm alive,

and I have another day
of living hell tomorrow.

I'm sorry you died.

I'm Katlyn Kelley, reporting live
from Frederick Douglass High School,

where yesterday, students witnessed
the shocking and tragic death

of their popular classmate,
head cheerleader,

Capricorn Donahue.

I'm on TV, and
I can't even enjoy it.

Grieving students have
been visiting this memorial

for the beloved cheerleader.

Could you tell us a little about
what made Capri so special?

She was an amazing
person and such a great friend.

And I'm just gonna
miss her so much.

I've literally never seen
you before in my life.

Capri was planning a big Sweet
Seventeen birthday for next month.

Can you tell us more about that?

Yeah, she
was so excited about the party.

She put everything she
had into planning it.

Oh, guys! I'm still
here...

Is there anything else you would
like our viewers to know about Capri?

Just that she was the glue that
bonded together our sisterhood.

She was actually a Scorpio.

Also, follow us on
Instagram. Thank you.

A young spark of life, gone in
a flash. A cheer heard no more.

Are you sure you wanna do this?
Maybe you should stay at home.

Signing off.

Nah, it's just putting
off the inevitable.

That's the photo
you brought to my shrine?

Taylor, you look adorable, and
my eyes are literally closed!

Did you guys see that?

That practice killed me.
Capri would have been so proud.

Nationals,
here we come!

So, where
are we going tonight?

I just can't believe
that she's gone.

I had my nose
modeled after hers.

I heard she shot 50 feet in the
air, and her pants flew off.

Do you think James Harris
will rejoin jazz band now?

"Dead Cheerleader"
is a killer name for a band.

Alive Capricorn Donahue was
an "it girl," but dead Capri Donahue?

Oh, she's a legend, honey.

Hey, here she is...
Hey, Darby. My buddy, Mel.

- Hi.
- He passed last night.

- Uh, heart attack.
- Yeah.

- Oh. Sorry.
- You know. So if you don't mind,

he's gonna sit and watch
our lunchtime chess games

- until you can help him move on.
- Yeah, sure.

My wife, Deb, uh, she
passed 17 years ago,

and you know,
that's a long time.

I was in a lot better
shape then, right?

Uh, what if she's not

- attracted to me anymore?
- Maybe.

Well, I like to think
that when you pass on,

you pass as your optimal self.

And I'm pretty sure that has nothing
to do with your superficial exterior.

Oh, my optimal self?

- Yeah.
- I like that.

Okay.

- Well, we'll talk soon.
- Way to be, Darby. Thank you.

- She is good!
- I told you, huh?

Oh, no.

Oh, thank God.

- Hola! Oh!
- Oh! Jeez...

- God, you scared the shit out of me.
- Oh. Sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, fine. I...

It's just someone I'm
trying to avoid.

Oh. Got a little
stalker?

Potentially.

Oh, you're serious.

Oh, my bad. Okay. Uh…

You wanna talk about it?

Well, the frustrating thing is, is I
don't think anyone would understand.

Mmm. I get that.

Don't have to explain anything to
me, I'm just making sure you're okay.

Thanks.

- Um...
- So, what's up?

So, you were there with
the cheerleader yesterday?

That's pretty intense.

Yeah.

Whoo! Sorry, Alex.
Too much caffeine.

Uh, sorry. Uh, I... I gotta go
but I'll s... Thanks for the...

Just thanks.

- I need to talk to you.
- Okay.

I don't work at school, Capri.

What do you mean, "Work"? I'm
not asking you to do my taxes.

Okay, what do you want?

I have decided that I do,
in fact, want to move on.

It's incredibly boring being
here and being invisible.

Also, apparently, I'm
stuck in this outfit.

If I knew I was gonna die, I
would've worn way more accessories.

Smart decision. Come
see me Friday night.

Whoa! I haven't told you
when I wanna move on.

Okay, I don't have
time for this.

It'll be next month.
After my Sweet Seventeen.

No. No, just go to your funeral.
Yeah, everyone will be crying

and talking about how awesome
you were. You'll love it.

Ew, no. I hate funerals,
they're mad depressing.

I want the party. Which
is where you come in.

You're gonna make sure
the party still happens.

I think that curling iron incident
fried your last remaining brain cell.

I...

Game on.

Ideally, you'll do
this voluntarily.

But I've been practicing the whole
manipulation of objects thing all morning.

So, I can make life very weird
for you if it comes down to it.

Psycho.

I just wanted
to let you know.

- Sorry I'm late.
- That's okay, Darby.

As I was saying, James
will not be in today.

For obvious reasons.

Bree, Taylor, Piper, my condolences.
I know you girls were very close.

She really would've wanted
us to be here today.

To remember her
with everyone else.

That's true. I mean, they're no
good to me crying in private.

All right. Let's get started.
If you uncover the tray in front of you,

you'll find today's project.

- Ugh.
- Gross!

- Cool!
- I'm reporting this to PETA.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Um, Darby, I wanted to
see if you wouldn't mind

dropping off James's lab
homework for him until he's back.

Oh. Uh, I don't really
think that'd be approp...

- What? Say yes!
- Yes, of course.

Oh, my God.

Capri's Sweet Seventeen promo video
has over, like, 200,000 views.

- Really?
- Yeah. They played it on the news.

It's so tragic that it's canceled.

Darby!

Don't ignore me.

Hey! I'm serious.

- Hmm.
- What are you doing? Stop.

- Help me get the party back on.
- No.

- Stop it.
- Darby, is everything okay?

Yes, fine.

- Ew. Gross!
- Oh, my God.

- What the f...
- Oh... I'm...

Sorry, my hand slipped.

Haven't you done enough?

Excuse me. I don't feel well.

- My God.
- What just happened?

- Okay, class. Carry on.
- Oh, my God.

What a freak.

- Clearly, she needs therapy.
- Hmm.

What the hell are
you doing to me?

- Just say you'll help me.
- No.

What are you... No!

No! No, no, no, no!

No! No, no!

- Sorry, I just really have to pee.
- Mm-hmm.

- No. What are you... No!
- It's just till the party's back on.

No way in hell!

Stop. No. Capri!

Stop, stop!

No, no, no, no!

A public toilet?

I could've contracted any
number of deadly diseases.

This is criminal bullying.

I think it's criminally
good haunting.

Fine. You know what? Have at it.

I'll just keep ignoring you until
I'm committed to a psych ward.

Or you could help me
and be free in a month.

All I want is to go to this party.
To see my friends having fun,

and to dance next to
James one last time.

And then I'll move on.

- I promise.
- And in what worldly dimension

do you think I can
throw your dream party?

Me, the girl you
call, "Freak show"?

In a world where I make you
popular enough to do it.

I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret.

Being popular is an illusion.

Like a magic trick,
or cryptocurrency.

You just have to believe in
it. And then they will too.

First, you'll need to get
close to Taylor and Bree,

so you can convince them to
throw the party in my honor.

Yeah, that
sounds attainable,

since they hate me with the
passion of a thousand suns.

Excuse me. You won't be able to
avoid them once you join cheer.

Never.

Aw, look at us little nuggets
in our cheesy matching uniforms.

Hey, get outta there.

I forgot we were even
friends that summer.

Then you were all weird
when we got back to school.

Oh, sorry. I was just going through
a little thing called my mom died.

Your mom was so boss.

Top of the pyramid
at the '93 Nationals.

Did she come to you
too after she died?

Get out.

Okay! Touchy subject.

But don't you think that she'd want
you to be like she was in that picture?

Happy? Smiling? Do
you even have teeth?

You're really
blowing your pitch, Capri.

Well, I just don't understand

why you wouldn't wanna be,
at the very least, normal.

Well, I'm not normal.

I've spent my childhood being
a travel agent for dead people.

Okay, and? We all have baggage.

Yeah, like getting zits and wondering
if anyone will ask you to prom.

Deep.

You're the most judgmental and
self-righteous person I've ever met.

What? No, I'm not.

Okay, then prove it. If you really
don't care what people think about you,

then what does it matter if you hang
out with the popular crew for a month

or less, even?

So, as soon as the
party is back on, do you promise to leave?

Do I have your word you'll
leave after the party?

Okay, yes. I promise. Cross my
heart and hope to die. Again.

Okay, fine.

Yes!

The first order of business
is a full head-to-toe glow up.

Hey.

- What's wrong with this?
- It's a lot of black, Darbs.

No.

My God. Burn that.

What's all this stuff?

My mom's old clothes
from the '90s.

Retro.

I dig it!

Darby, stop it.

Ooh, it's a two-piece suit.
Oh, it's a suit.

Darby.

Stay still.

Nope. No.

Congratulations.

You actually look kind of hot!
You need to post a selfie.

To what?

What are you, an
alien? Or Amish or something?

- I found out to be popular…
- Here.

…you need to post
a lot of selfies.

Hold it. Find your angles.

- You've never taken...
- What is... What's my angle?

Some selfies should be silly.

And you should test out every filter
until your eyes lose all perspective,

and you pick one where it
looks like you have jaundice.

Using too many emojis comes
off as desperate and thirsty.

But three carefully curated emojis,
radiates sophistication and class.

Eggplants? Penises.
Kitty cats? Vaginas.

And a peach is a butt.

Well that certainly changes the meaning of
that text I sent my grandma this morning.

Just keep the captions simple.

Two hours and 88 photos later,

I had six usable selfies
posted to my feed.

If you don't embarrass
yourself on Instagram,

maybe I'll train you on TikTok.

Don't... Don't do that.

I can imagine James
trying to block the party,

thinking the girls are only
doing it for followers.

- So you'll have to get him on board, okay?
- I'll try.

Here it is. Aw, the
tree house of love.

That was our favorite
make-out spot.

Barf.

Oh, Mrs. Harris? Hi, it's Darby.
I brought James's homework.

Oh, go right on up. He
hasn't left his room all day.

Darby?

Jamesy.

Hi, Jamesy... I mean, James.
I brought your homework.

You look different.

Yeah, yeah. My cousin just
started cosmetology school

- and needed a guinea pig.
- Nice. Natural liar.

- I love you.
- Sorry, it's such a mess in here.

- Just let me clean it up.
- Oh. No worries.

He listens to oldies.

Isn't it adorable?

I'm
really sorry about Capri.

I know she loved you a lot.

Didn't you hate each other?

Hmm. Love-hate. We were
close when we were younger.

And we still talk, sometimes.
Uh, talked, sometimes.

Oh. Right, I didn't
realize that.

It's so weird, like
I... I know she's gone,

but it still feels like
she's here with me.

I mean, she was the most kind,
selfless person I've ever met.

Really?

I mean, really.
Yeah. I totally get that.

And when I didn't make it
past the blinds on The Voice …

…I felt
like such a loser.

But when I came back to
school, Capri helped me realize

that failures are just life's
way of making you stronger.

It's true. I was so supportive.

I'm sorry.
I'm rambling.

No. It's okay, really. I get it.
My mom died when I was seven.

Yeah, I remember. Can't even
imagine how hard that's gotta be.

Yeah. It's just so disorienting,

like, one day your whole
world is flipped upside down

and it feels like you're
on Mars or something,

and you don't know how
to feel normal again.

Yeah.

That's totally how it feels.

Uh, I should go.

Look, thank you for
bringing that over.

It was nice to actually
talk to someone.

Hey, Darby.

Death has a funny way of teaching
you what's most important.

Like finally making
that apology.

Encouraging your child
to embrace who they are.

And the one that always gets
me, that final, "I love you."

The Deados never asked for
anything petty or superficial…

…until now.

Whoa!

Good morning, sweetheart.

Morning. Don't make
it a thing, okay?

It's just a temporary
experiment for social studies.

- It's just...
- What?

You look like your mom.

Okay, this is weird.
What is happening?

Who is that? I want her butt.

Damn, smoke show. You got steez.

Who is that? Is
that Darby Harper?

- What is everyone looking at?
- You, dummy.

Shoulders back, head up, walk.

Who's the new chick?

That's head-to-toe
vintage. Who's that girl?

I don't know. But she's serving '90s
realness, and I'm so here for it.

- Don't scowl, smile a little.
- They like you. Let them in.

Okay, don't smile. Um,
try pouty. Cute pouty.

How?

- God, she is fire.
- Super fresh.

Is she wearing a couch cover?

Hey.

Darby? You look different.

I mean a good
different.

I mean, you always look great.

- You wanna have a seat?
- Yeah.

No.

- Um...
- Darby, no. Absolutely not.

Is she trying
to sit with the new guy?

No. Uh, no.

- Stupid chair. Come on.
- No.

You know, I'll just stand.
Yeah, it's better for digestion.

Hey, hey, new girl. You wanna
come, uh, eat lunch with us?

That's Todd. He's the cutest
guy in the cheer squad.

- You should definitely sit with us.
- No.

Oh.

No, what?

No, I forgot that I have
something to get from my locker.

No time for lunch.

Darby! Hey, Darby!

- What?
- What are you doing?

Go sit at Todd's table.
Don't be such a weirdo.

Well, I am a weirdo.

My anonymity was my only means
of survival in this place.

- I'm done.
- No. We have a deal.

Oh, right.
Your brilliant plan.

Hey.

- What are you doing?
- You wanna know what I was thinking?

Even though you hate me, I could
sit at your table at lunch,

join cheer and we could all
become besties.

Have you gone fully mental?

What? You don't
wanna be my friend

just 'cause I got a new
haircut and some lip gloss?

Oh, my God.

There, I tried.

Your new style is hideous.

You wouldn't know real
fashion if it bit you on the tit.

I thought it was cool.

- I like her socks.
- Guys.

What the hell was that back there?

You have zero chill. You need
to get your shit together.

I'm crawling back into
my hermit shell tomorrow.

Why are you
such a defeatist?

Oh, Darby, what are you doing?

- You've just left your king wide open.
- Defeatist is right.

This is like watching The
Queen's Gambit. Except she sucks.

- Hey, hey. Darby, girl.
- Burn.

Why don't you just do the cheer
thing? You know you want to.

It'll be good, you'll meet
new friends. Ones with pulses.

Yeah. And if you follow my plan,

then you'll earn their
respect organically.

And if I refuse?

- Oh... Oh, my...
- Whoa!

Bitch, was that a
frog? What the hell!

I've been saving him since science class.
I am not giving up on my party, Darby.

There's more where that came from.

Damn it! Fine! Fine.

But this is a hostage situation,

and that is on your karma
report card, not mine.

Cheer tryouts are
less than a week away.

We're training every day during
lunch and after school. Hey!

Your days of chess
and donuts, over.

Donuts. I will miss them.

Hmm.

Four.

You gonna do anything?

Excuse me?

Eight. Nine.

Three. Five. Seven. Again.

Everything okay?

Yeah, just need a sec to focus.

I haven't done this since,
well, you know, since my mom.

- Hey, fresh homework.
- Thanks.

No problem.

What's up? Did you hurt your ankle?

It's fine. It's nothing, I
just... I don't like the beach.

You're gonna kill it
at tryouts tomorrow.

You're the best tumbler I've ever seen,
and I've been to Nationals, twice.

Why did you quit
when we were younger?

You're honestly a natural,
just like she was.

I don't wanna talk
about my mother.

Why?

You know, I used to wish I
had your mom instead of mine.

At least your mom waited till
she was dead to ignore you.

Sometimes I think she
might have stayed.

But if she did, then
why... Forget it.

If she had stayed,
then why what?

I don't wanna talk
about my mom, okay?

Okay.

Do you wanna scream
about her instead?

What?

I said, do you
want to scream about her?

Cut it out.

No. I think you'll feel a lot better
if you just scream a little bit!

Stop.

Come on!

Stop.

Are we gonna make
the team tomorrow, Darby Harper?

Yes.

I said, are we
gonna make the team tomorrow?

Yes! Yes! Okay?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Okay! That's what
I'm talking about!

I'm
gonna make the team!

You're gonna make the team!

All right. For those of you who don't
know who I am, I am Coach Paula.

You gotta be kidding me.

And we have some
very exciting news.

So, without further ado,

he's your mascot and mine…

…Douglas The Donut!

- Look at this guy.
- Come on.

Oh, my God! So cute. Go, Dougie!

Oh, wow.

Time
to rumble, time to go nuts!

- Time to cheer for the Fighting Donuts!
- She's pretty good.

- Oh.
- Oh, nice try.

Let me see it.

Show 'em your moneymaker, Darbs.

Yay!

Suck on that, Taylor!

- Yeah.
- So good.

You slayed that shit.

I'm so proud of you.
How does it feel?

I actually forgot how empowering
it feels. It's such a high.

I feel like I have lockjaw from
forcing a smile for an hour.

Great job
out there.

No way.

You... You know the donut?

Yeah, I never would've thought
cheering was your thing.

- You're full of surprises.
- I'm full of surprises?

You weren't kidding when you said you were
gonna find the most ridiculous activity.

Well, it counts as a gym class credit.
I get a free dozen donuts every game.

And, come on, the
outfit is sexy as hell.

No, no, no, no.

You cannot be friends with the
donut. This is social suicide.

Uh, so... Uh, update on
your stalker situation?

- It's ongoing.
- Ooh. Sorry to hear that.

Step away from the donut.

I'll talk to you
later. Okay, Alex?

Okay.

I mean, that new cheer girl's
just sick on the mat. And cute.

She's not new. That's Darby Harper.
And she's, like, a witch or something.

Yeah. She basically
killed Capri.

Thank you
for your patience.

If I call out your name, welcome
to the Fighting Donuts cheer team.

You made it.

Yes! I knew you could do it.
God, I haven't felt this alive since...

Well, since I was alive.

Darby Harper, is that
a smile on your face?

Congrats on making the team,
Darbs. See you on the field.

- Say thanks, weirdo.
- Thanks, weirdo, you.

- How does he know I made the team?
- Probably posted it to IG. Check.

Okay! Look at you
with 756 followers.

Congrats, you're actually
becoming a real person.

Now, repost it to your
story. And, um, humble brag.

Pretend like you
don't actually care.

Uh, I don't really care.

Perfect! God, you're
so good at that.

I actually did care.

I'd finally started making
it in the living world,

but it turns out there are a
lot of rules to being popular.

Don't brag, only humble brag.

It's okay to be moody, but
never sad. Sad is cringe.

Don't try too hard.

Be woke, but not a woke fisher.

Don't be thirsty. Do listen. Do
smile. Speak clearly. Don't be angry.

Be a winner. Don't worry. Dress
to impress. Don't overgram.

I prefer the Deados any day.

Sure, they're dead, but at
least they don't play games.

The admiration and envy
hang so heavily in the air,

even a dead girl can
smell its sweet musk.

Hey, hey, Darby!

- Ah! Ah, ah.
- I'll check you later.

- But I have chess with Gary.
- Mm-mmm. Not today, you don't.

Sit.

Full
set. Unbelievable.

Yeah. Cool.

Say hi. Jesus Christ, I