Cruising for a Bruising: The Legend of Dynastud (2017) - full transcript

(dramatic electronic music)

(tense melodic music)

(electronic bleeping)

- Are you?

- [Dynastud] Are you my contact?

- Depends on who is asking.

- [Dynastud] I'm asking.

And that's all you need to know.

- My name is--

- Is Fredrich Gerlich.

And I meant what I said on the phone.

I am the best.

- I can see that.

- Leave the money on the table.

(light melodic electronic music)

(wind howling)

Which one do you want?

- And welcome back to the 2024

Republican Presidential Debates,

brought to you by our
sponsor, Crystal Clear,

America's leading coal
refining organization.


(softly chuckles)

- Is this your first time?

(speaking foreign language)

- Why would you think that?

My organization has bought many

of your politicians in the past.

- Well, then.

You must have a lot of experience.

And if you don't, that's okay.

I don't judge.

I have my money,

and I can take it nice and slow.

- [Kelly] We are here in one
of Crystal Clear's mines,

800 feet below ground,

with our top three candidates.

And tonight's debate will
decide who will get the nod.

What should we, as a nation, do

about the homosexual menace?

Let's start with Governor Gary McMan.

- In the last eight years,

we have finally moved out of the dark ages

of tolerance and diversity.

Homosexuals are no longer allowed to taint

the sacred bond of marriage,

nor are they allowed to be employed

as teachers or serve in our military.

And now, with Directive 48 in place,

sodomy is now a criminal offense.

Punishable by death.

But because this is a Christian nation,

I believe that's enough
punishment for these poor devils.

So, I say, keep the laws as they stand.

- Neither that one.

He appears to have the intelligence

of a Belgian peanut farmer.

- And same question to
Congressman Kellogg,

and that's a mighty fine hat

you're wearing there, Congressman.

- Well, shoot.

Thank you there, Kelly.


Now, I must echo the words
of my good friend, Gary.

We are a Christian nation,

so we need to show mercy
on these poor bastards,

but if they obey the law, then maybe,

just maybe we can help
these poor son of a bitches

rejoin society eventually,

but not in my neighborhood.

- No, no.

He reminds too much of my father.

He was a raper of sheep!

- And finally, to Senator Teddy Hightower.

- These two fuckin' guys
are queer for each other.

(gun shot booming)


(gun shot booming)

And that's my answer for what we should do

about the homosexual
menace in this country.

- How about that one?

He looks a reptile!

- Teddy Hightower.

Excellent choice.


shall we

seal the deal?

- How do we do that?

(intense music)


- Like this.

- How did you do that?


- Now.

I want to see that two
bit tux hit the floor.

(intense melodic rock music)

(belt whipping))

(zipper scratching)


Take it, bitch.

Here I come!

(squishy explosion splattering)

(eerie suspenseful music)

Mission accomplished.

Please send next assignment.

Room service!

Could you please send up a maid?

I know they're not due until morning,

but this one mess, I'm sure,

they're gonna want a headstart on.

(eerie orchestral music)

♪ I am the faulty wiring ♪

♪ The ball that's thrown ♪

♪ When there are no lights shining ♪

♪ In a place unknown ♪

♪ I am the wrong direction ♪

♪ And the purpose lost ♪

♪ I am decreasing balance ♪

♪ With a rising cost ♪

♪ I am the storm predicted ♪

♪ When there's no way through ♪

♪ No escape ♪

♪ No abandon ♪

♪ So I run to you ♪

♪ I am catastrophe ♪

♪ You do well to stay clear of me ♪

♪ For I am disaster ♪

♪ Coming on faster ♪

♪ Than you ever hoped to see ♪

♪ And I am an unlucky charm ♪

♪ Though I won't mean to do you harm ♪

♪ If you see me look your way ♪

♪ You'd be wise to say ♪

♪ Leave me be ♪

♪ For I am a catastrophe ♪

(eerie melodic music)

(ominous electronic music)

(paper ripping)

(electronic bleeping)

(upbeat piano music)

- Be right with ya, kid.

What are ya in for tonight?

- What have you got?

- Oh, Bartholomew.

It's you.

You want a blue pin.

- That's right.

Please, call me Bart.

- You let me know when
you decide to try red.

Got me?

- Oh, you'll be the first to know, Zelda.


(softly moaning)

- What are ya havin', Bart?

- [Bart] Vodka soda.

- I'll get that for ya, boy.

- Comin' right up.

- Thank you very much, sir.

That's very kind.

- Anything for a cute
little guy like you, sailor.

- My name is Bart.

- I haven't seen you here before.

you come here often, Bart?

- Not as often as I like.

- I've come here often.

You want to join me in the back room?

Help me come again?


- You're so hot.



- You want this?

- Yeah.

- [Man] It's all yours, boy.

(moaning and panting)


- Ah, it's just with my daughter.

It is so stupid.

She can't keep her panties on!

She'll fuck any guy that
looks at her cross-eyed.

She has no concept of the reality

that this will make me look bad

right before the election!

- You better lock that
down before she gets prego.

- Don't you think I know that?

I have to find some way
to get Patty married off

before she gets knocked up.

- Is it really that big a deal?

- Yes, it is.

She's fucked two of the gardeners,

done anal with my accountant,

laid the Utah Jazz,

and Friday, she blew the chauffer.

- Blew the chauffer?

That's just bad taste.

- Poor girl.

She's just too easily led.

She can't walk out the
door without accidentally

catching a random panoply of dicks.

And worse, she likes it.

- And honestly, she's
not even that good at it.

- Did you fuck my daughter, too?


- No!

I mean, I thought you knew!

(gun shot booming)

- For God's sakes, you can't trust anyone

not to butter your daughter's muffin.

You didn't fuck her, did you?

- No, no, no, not a chance.

- Good.

Then you can give me some advice.

- Advice?
- Yes.

How do I find a man to marry my daughter?

Someone I can control.

- Why don't you just pay a guy?

- Common gigolo for my daughter?

I don't think so.

Besides, once those guys
get a taste of money,

they won't be stopped.

No, I need someone dumb and unambitious.

- What about a prisoner?

You let them go, they owe you everything.

Plus, built-in blackmail.

- Prisoner, huh?

That idea has promise.


- Yes!


Ah, there's the magic!


(raspy panting)

- [Bart] Hey, do you want me to swallow?

- No!

Get it all over your face!

Oh, I'm gonna shoot!




- [Bart] Was that good for you?

- Kid, you're under arrest.

The evidence is all over ya.


(camera shutter clicking)

- You want me to what?!

- My daughter needs a husband.

A man to keep her in line.

You're familiar with Ephesians 5:22?

- "Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's ass?"

- No.

It's, "Wives, submit
yourselves to your own husbands

"as you do to the Lord."

- Yeah, I'm a flibberty-jibbit.

- Shut your hole, Patty, daddy's talking.

You see, she needs a man's
hand to keep her in line.

(gun shot booming)

(gun shot booming)

Don't flinch!

My daughter is not going
to marry a flincher!

- What Senator Hightower's trying to say

is that he would like you enter

into a marriage contract
with his daughter.

And in return, your criminal
record will be sealed.

- Sealed?

- Yes, legal proceedings
against you would cease

for as long as you remain under contract.

Otherwise, I'm sure you understand.

You will face confinement,

followed by a painful execution

for your salacious crimes
against humanity and God.

- Well, I don't know if I
want to marry a God criminal!

- Silence, Patty, or no pumpkin spice.

- Ah beans, I never get to say nothin'!



- The contract will be absolutely binding.

You will remain married
until you produce an heir

and for 11 years after that.

Then you are free to pursue
your own arrangements.

And in the meantime, everything
will be provided for.

You'll live in a fancy
mansion with your new wife,

have people to cook and clean for you.

- I already have that!

- Cram up, pumpkin, this isn't about you.

- What if I leave early?

What if I break my contract?

- Well, the MAGA Police
would pick you back up.

But more than likely, I
would have you killed.

- What?!

(gun shot booming)

(gun shot booming)

You can't just kill me!

(gun shot booming)



- Tonight, I'm gonna fuck you so hard,

I'm gonna break your dick off!


- Senator Hightower.

- Bart, please, you're my son-in-law now.

Call me Senator.

- Alright, then.
- Now, tonight,

I want you to fuck my daughter

until she breaks your dick off.

- Oh, daddy!

- Welcome to the family, Bart!



(gentle dreamy music)

- Bart!

I'm ready for your pecker now!

- I love women.

I love Patty.

I love boobies, not men's
hard, throbbing cocks

and tight butts and...

This has gotta be normal!

This has to be normal,
or I'm gonna be killed!

Please, God, please,
let me get hard for her!

- Bartholomew!

I want you in my tunnel of love!

It's sopping wet like a spongecake!

- Well, now I'm completely flaccid.

(gentle music)

- Pumpkin, what are you doing in there

while I'm out here?!


- I'm gonna die.

(bushes rustling)

(birds calling)


Oh, my dick!




(eerie electronic music)


- Let me ask you a question.

- Okay.

- Can you fly?

- Um, what?

- [Dynastud] I said, can you fly?

- Of course I can't fly.

- Are you Bartholomew James Cooper

of 91 Ridgeway Road,
Portsmouth, New Hampshire?

- I am, but what are you?

- Huh, it says here you can fly.

It's even underlined.

Well, do you have a slick motorcycle,

or a badass muscle car,

or something that we can
take off in style with?

'Cause my car is in the shop.

Well, actually, it was repossessed.

- Look, I'm kinda in a hurry and all,

and wait, did you say take off?

You want me to go with you?

- Indeed.

- Why?

- It's a long story.

But I am an incredibly handsome

and rugged man.

And you are a flightless homosexual

with what appears to be
a rock hard erection.

What other reason do you need?

- I just ate about 20 Viagra.

- Well, point the way, old chum,

'cause it looks like we're
hoofin' it from here.

(light music)

- Bartholomew!

You haven't even been able

to your P in my V yet!

- [Gaydar] Hoo, girl,
there's danger ahead.

- Sir, are you okay?

- My Gaydar, it's going off.

I can't control it.

- [Gaydar] Sugar, we don't
have time for the sex position.

We got bad guys to catch.

- Gaydar?

What's Gaydar?

- It's one of my superpowers.

- Wait, you have superpowers?

- What kind?

- Super hearing, super strength,

among them is Gaydar,

an internalized voice that alerts me

to crimes against our kind.

It's a great defense mechanism.

It can also be bitchy.

And give me migraines.

- [Gaydar] But it can save my life.

- Shut up, Gaydar.

- [Gaydar] Whatevs.

- That's wild.

What other kind of abilities do you have?

Do you have x-ray vision?

(electronic bleeping)

- No.

- Well, can you fly?

- Can't fly.

But I can glide short distances.

- Bitchin'.

I want to help you.

I feel like I'm supposed to be here,

like it's my destiny!

- All will be revealed in time, Bart.

- I feel compelled to drop to my knees

and pleasure you right now.

- That happens, yeah.

- What's your name?

- Call me


(zipper scratching)

- You got it, Dynastud!


(light music)

- Checkmate!

- Huh.




(gun shot booming)


It's time for my tea.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, and uh, clean this shit up.

- Yes, Senator.

Your daughter just arrived
and wishes to see you.

- Patty?

But it's the first day of her honeymoon!


- Daddy!

- Princess!

What did that little cocksucker do to you?


- Don't touch me!


- Wait.

(bushes rustling)

That's enough.

- Was it something I said?

Did I use too much teeth?

- Yes, but that's besides the point.

I can't come, not like this.

- Why not?

Is it some kind of
kinky tantric sex thing?

- The world as we know it,

it's going to change soon.

- That's hot, now let me
finish what I started.

- No, Bart!

My orgasm is lethal!

It would blow your head clean off!

- I'm startin' to like the sound of that.

- No, Bart, literally.

Your skull would explode
the second I reach orgasm.

- Hot.

- No, Bart!

In a bad way.

It's a superpower I can't control.

The intensity of my orgasm kills people.

Their heads explode!

Men, women, people of the
transgender persuasion,

farm animals.

(gentle melodic music)

You don't know what it's like,

to have to go around with
perpetual blue balls.

It's the burden of my superpowers,

to be eternally sexy,

but unable to get off without
destroying my partner.


- Poor Dynastud.

Come here.

(gently sighs)

(moaning and panting)

- No wait, it's too dangerous!

- Can't I just give you a handy?!

- No!

My salty soft serve would
destroy these fine woodlands.

And I am firm believer
in forest conservation.

I must remain pure with you for now.

- Really?!

- Yes.

I need you, Bart.

Your essence, your impact
on me is undeniable.

But I don't need you in
the ways you might expect.

(light music)


(doorbell dinging)

(upbeat melodic music)

- There you go.

This will help calm you down,

stop your crying.


- [Teddy] Will she be alright, doctor?

- Well, like all women who
have been spurned by men,

she's gone a little crazy,

lost her place in the world.

- I feel woozy.

- Senator Hightower,

the two MAGA Agents are here to see you.

- Good, I'll meet them in the dining room.

Are you all finished with her, doctor?

Will this keep her from whining?

- One more item.

Her banana basket needs to be filled,

so I brought these

to help her feel full and satisfied,

until you find her man again.

- Oh my.

- Dr. Chutney, you're a genius!

I'll leave you to it.

(cap popping)

(light elevator music)

Gentlemen, thank you for coming.

I have a problem.

I need you to track down
my daughter's husband.

He left just as he was about to plow Patty

and give me an heir.

I heard you two were the best.

- Is this your daughter
here, in that photo?

- Yes.

That was Patty in happier times.

She used to be quite the equestrian.

Sadly, we had to shoot the horse.

She was becoming too attached.


Ha, memories.

By the way, how is your tea?

(tea splashing)

- Tastes like my Aunt Rosalie's vagina

after an 18 hour shift at
the sauerkraut factory.

- I kinda like it.

- Well, touch my balls!

Sam likes it!

Well, let's thrown a fuckin' parade!

Sorry, I recently quit smoking,

and I'm on the patches.


But enough about me!

This chode we're talking about,

do you have a picture of him?


- Glamor shots.

Are you sure this guy's not gay?

- Let me remind you that
homosexuality is illegal.

- I didn't mean to imply anything.

- He does look kind of fruity, though.

- Oh, daddy, I feel much better.

- Glad to hear it, pumpkin.

- These are Agent Sam
and Detective Vargas.

They're going to help track down Bart

and get him to want to fuck you again.


Oh no, dummy, don't cry over him.

He's worthless!

As you can see, gentlemen,

my daughter is distraught

over her ignominious jilting.

- Left at the altar, huh?

- Worse!

Left in the marriage bed.

Well, you can see the
toll it's taken on her.

Her face distorted by tears,

her once gorgeous knockers,

sagging with humiliation.


- I'm undesirable!

- No!

- I don't know.

I think you're lookin' pretty good.

I mean, crazy, sad,

and dressed like one of
those girls from Brazzers.

Oh, I fucking love those girls!


And your tears, enticing.

I love a woman with ready
access to her emotions.

And this so-called husband

ran away from this tight package?!

Why, it seems to me like your husband

might be a good old freckle puncher!

- Vargas!
- I'm sorry!


I meant homosexual.

Not you, he's into the
wang is what I'm saying!

- Do you think you could describe the man

that kidnapped your husband?

- Well, I only got a quick look at him

when he ran off with my Bart,

and it was really dark,

so I'm not sure how good
I'm gonna be at this,

but he was tall, like 6'2".

- Good, good.

- And he was beautiful, like a Greek God!

He had one of those torsos that taper down

from broad, muscular
shoulders to a narrow waist,

and he had hands, like
the paws of a great cat!

Like a tiger with fingers!

And his butt rode kinda high and rounded.

- Okay okay, enough!

What do ya got?


(eerie music)

(water dripping)

- You know, I usually
love a man in uniform.

But you, not so much.

- Well, today is the last
day that I wear this uniform.

I'm sure you didn't hear
the news from your cell,

but starting tomorrow,

I will be a United States Senator!


I think a congratulations are in order.

- I'm gonna kill you.


- No, you're not.

In fact, you're going to join the party.

- What are you gonna do?

Lobotomize me?

- I'm going to have the
gay beaten out of you.

Meet Gunther!

Hobbies include stock car racing,

weight training, and busting skulls.

- Yipes!

- Gunther crush Dynastud!

(electronic guitar rock music)

(punches thudding)

- You punch like a fag.


- Find him, you idiot!

(heavy rock music)

(punch thudding)


(punch thudding)







There's the big gun I was expecting.

(gun shot booming)

(suspenseful music)



- This whole place is under surveillance.

If you kill me,

it'll give them reason
to track your kind down.

- I'm gonna keep you alive,

but only because I wanna
see you rot in the cooler.

- That'll be the day.

That man is a dangerous
enemy of the state.

When you find him, kill
him without hesitation.

But be sure and bring Bart back alive.

- Do you really think you'll be able

to find him, Detective Vargas?

- Oh, my sweet vagina galore,

we'll track him down and
bring him back to you.

And he'll be in your arms
and balls deep in your vag

before the next episode

of Who Told You You Could Dance is on.

- Well, I'm glad that's settled.

(ball clanking)

- What was that?

- Uh, one of Dr. Chutney's
balls just dropped.


- [Gaydar] Dynastud, if
you could take a minute

to stop checking out Bart's ass,

we have a red menace that
has to be dealt with.

(insects chirping)

- Why are we stopping?

- Just a little something
I have to take care of.

- Do you think they have
something to drink in there?

I'm getting thirsty from all this walking.

- Inside will be a tall,
cool glass of justice.

(footsteps clanking)

- What's in here?

- Russian bot farm.

- They grow bots?

- No, they grow the seeds of discontent

that poison the fertile
fields of Democracy.

- You know, whenever you talk like that,

I get rock hard.

Why is that?

- I've got a plan.

And it involves you.

But it's gonna require Cracker Jack timing

and a high probability of lethal force.

- Wait.

What is a Russian bot
farm doing in America?

- Bart, they're Russians.

They're sneaky like that.

(keyboards clacking)

- Alexi!

What is good word

rhyme with snowflake?

- Earthquake!

(speaking foreign language)

- Krinkov, what is it you are working on?

- Boris, I work on very funny meme

of Ronald Reagan spanking Hillary Clinton

with a large black dildo!


- Much liberal tears will flow

when they see that, I tell you!



- Today I pretend to
be black man on Twitter

who wants to make with the
pregnant of white girls

and leave them on the footsteps!


(doorbell dinging)

(light music)

- Do we know of anyone coming?

(speaking foreign language)

- Do Boris?

- Also (speaking foreign language).

(doorbell ringing)


(suspenseful music)

- Hello!

- [Bart] Pizza delivery!

- What?

- [Bart] Pizza delivery
for 233 Industrial Way.

- Is us, what kind of pizza is being?

- Um, saucy deep dish.

- No!

What is it made of?

(punch whapping)

- Whoa!

You know, I never thought
that was gonna work.


- They're Russians, Bart,
they're not very bright.

- Eating now second amendment.

(gun shots booming)

It's useless, guns don't kill people!

(gun shots booming)

Die (speaking foreign language)!


- That's cocksucker to you both.

(gun shots booming)

(intense melodic music)

What, are you gonna hack me to death?

- No, you cannot ban me.

I'm having a free speech.


- Do I look like the government?

- Send backup!

Big sexy gay man is
here killing everybody!


- Tell me who is paying you

or I'll give you Borges bell.

- Hightower!

Teddy Hightower!

- I knew it.

Well, I want you to give Teddy
a special message from me.

- Anything!

Just don't kill me, big sexy gay man!


Oh, fuck!

(playful music)

- Clearly this poor girl's husband

has been abducted by Dynastud.

Probably turned him gay already

through the power of his sexual mesmerism!

Oh, it's safe to assume
they're in cahoots!

And clearly, those queers
are armed and dangerous!

But where the hell are they headed?

- Bottom's Up.

- Sam, it's a bit early for day drinking,

but what the hell, what
have you got on ya?

- No, no, Bottom's Up,

the underground bar on the Canadian border

for gays escaping the U.S.
to the Great White North.

They must be headed there.

(eerie music)

(door creaking)

(door clanking)

- Hi, dad!


- Leaping lawn jockeys!

Oh, it's only you, pussycat.

- Daddy, I'm so sad.

- Oh, God damn that Bart.

And Dr. Chutney,

he was supposed to make you better!

(ball clanking)

What the hell was that?

- Oh, it's one of those balls

from Tibet Dr. Chutney gave me,

and now when I'm really sad,

they just come out.

Do you want to go get ice cream with me?

- Oh, sorry, pookie.

I have to check on the progress

of our super weapon development program.

- Oh, (ball clanking), okay.

Daddy, do you miss mommy?

- Not really.

I mean, I was the one who had her killed

after she kept giving me girl babies.


(footsteps pattering)

- Bye, dad.

(ball clanking)

(electronic bleeping)

- Good afternoon, Senator!

- Dr. Chutney!

Okay, then.

Let's see it.

- The weapon is almost complete.



- It's beautiful!

Will it work?

- Will it work?!



When the weapon is complete,

all we need to do is fire it,

and any homosexual

will become a heterosexual.

Think about it.

Lesbians touching penises.

Gays munching the rug.


We just point and shoot!

Shoot straight!


- Oh, they won't know what hit them.

And after we capture Bart,

that errant cocksucker will be able

to please my daughter and give me an heir.


Oh, this is mine.


It comes with one of these!


- All this laughing is
making me dehydrated.

- And after we get my daughter's man,

all the gays will drop to their knees.


Get it!

- [Together] Their knees!



(intriguing music)

(birds chirping)

- We piss here.

(zippers scratching)

- Where are you taking me?

- To a compound.

Just over the border in Canada.

A secret gay bar called Bottom's Up.

- And what's in this Bottom's Up?

- A safe passage

that will lead me to the
only man I ever really loved.

- Love.

(urine splashing)

- Hey.

Nice cock, Bart.

I'm a top, myself.

But it's got a really beautiful shape

and an impressive girth.

You'll make a bottom very happy some day.

- Thanks.

By the way, you never told me

how you got your superpowers.

- Do you really need to know?

- Well, yeah.

I'm curious.

- I was bit by a radioactive spider.

- I've heard this one before.

- It was a gay radioactive spider.

Chucked gooey white wads of--

- Yeah, alright, all caught up, thanks.

- Okay.

If you must know,

(light music)

I wasn't always the hunk
of smoldering man flesh

you see before you now.

I was a scrawny nerd,
born on a farm in Vermont.

I had two loving mothers
named May and Martha.

(joyful music)

Well, one night, I was
out catching fireflies,

and I saw something fall from the sky.

- [Orb] Do not be afraid of me.

I have come from a distant star

to bring peace to your waring planet

and wisdom light years beyond your own.

- Awesome!

- [Orb] Uh, um, wait.

What did you say?

- Awesome!

- [Orb] Ah, fuck me sideways!

Is this 51 Pegasus B?

- No, this is Earth.

- [Orb] Sometimes you have to wonder

who's mindin' the storm.

Okay, fine, Earth.

You backwards monkeys have
your troubles, too, I guess.

Now, how do you solve them here?

Hold on, let me check the database.

(electronic bleeping)

Superheroes, huh?

Okay, fine.

You'll be a superhero,
how does that sound?

- Sounds great!

- [Orb] A real quiz kid, huh?

Well listen, there's one problem.

If I change you into a superhero,

you must heed this warning.
- Nah, I'm good.

- [Orb] Goddammit, this is bad!

It will effect your
life, your entire life!

- Let's just do this!

- [Orb] Can't you just wait a second?!

- No, I wanna be big and strong!

- Oy vey, this meshugganah
wants to be a superhero!

Okay, fine.

Here we go!

(suspenseful music)

- Look at me.

I'm beautiful.

I can so seriously get
laid with a bod like this.

No more lonely nights with
the milking machine for me.


- [Orb] Yeah, about that!

- [Dynastud] It made me
into the irresistible

stud I am today.

But great beauty comes
with a terrible price.

(funky club music)

- This is my first time.

Be gentle, Jeremiah.

- This is my first time, too.

And call me Dynastud.

- I'll call you anything
you want me to, Dynastud.



(explosion booming)

(animals calling)

- What have I become?!

My penis was a lethal weapon,

and I had a license to thrill.

Thankfully, no matter what,

I had the unconditional
love of my mothers.

Momma May?
- Mm-hmm?

- Can I ask you about love?


- You're growin' up so fast, aren't you?

- We've had to buy him all new clothes,

just look at those shoulders!


- What's your question, baby boy?

(light music)

- Do you think it's bad to love someone

if you know you're going to destroy them?

- Yes.

Yes, I do.

With powerful love, comes a great duty.

We must never allow those
we love come to harm.

- But what if you really
need to love someone,

but you know they'll be hurt?

- It's such a big
question for a young man.

If your love will hurt someone,

then it really isn't love, is it?

- Guess not.

- That's right.

Now go to sleep, Jeremiah.

- Don't call me Jeremiah anymore.

Call me Dynastud.


- You crazy kids and your nicknames.


(light music)

- Dynastud.


- [Vargas] Tonight, we head
into the heart of darkness.

- I'm not scared.


- Who knows what horrors
these homos have going on?!

- Gay people don't bother me.

- Well, they should bother you.

Because they bother me, ergo,

they should bother you!

With their glitter and their parades.


And the Queer as Folk
television series on the BBC.

Well, you better enjoy
that bologna sandwich

'cause tonight, we go undercover.

- What are you talking about?


- We need to understand them, Sam, hm?

We need to think like them,

understand them, become them.

Gay men!

That's right, I'll be the pitcher,

and you'll be the catcher!

On this hardball team of hard balls!

Playin' the ball game, oh yes!

We will play balls.

- Maybe you should take up smoking again.


- Sam, Samwise Gamgee!

Tonight we might be
smoking a big bag of dicks.



And who knows!

At the end of all this,

you might get a real piece
of bologna in your mouth.

Take it, take it!

(intense melodic rock music)

- This is it?

It doesn't look like much.

- This is it.

We're here to meet my old friend,

the meanest drag queen in all of Canada.

He goes by the nom de guerre

of Lee Van Queef.

- Sounds like a gas.


(door creaking)

- Password?

- To a new world of Gods and monsters.

(club music thumping)

- Who's that man with the ass I just want

to eat a steak and egg breakfast off of?

Burma Zapper, you can still
bounce Loonies off this thing!

- Oh, Lee, you old butt pirate.

- Dynastud, you magnificent
bastard, bring it in!


Who's Peter Pan?

- I'm Bart.

- Pleasure to meet you Bart.

Welcome to Bottom's Up,

the last free zone in America.

We've been the final stop

for the queer underground
railroad for years,

helpin' these wonderful people

get their letters of transit to Canada,

where they can live in freedom.

- I've seen Lee

take down an entire battalion

of MAGA Shock Troops

without even breaking a nail.

- Oh, Dynastud, you always
knew how to flatter a girl.

Now, both of you come with me.

I've got what you need in my office.

(club music thumping)

- This place is like an armory.

- [Lee] Hold that for me, sugar.


- Lee, people would kill for this!

- What is it?

- It's a Canadian passport.

- Operation Neon Cobra has begun.

- What's Operation Neon Cobra?

- Boss, there's an
unidentified car outside.

- Looks like you boys
brought trouble with you.

Bobo, back door.

- Gladly.

- No, take them out the back door!

And use protection!

- I don't know, I'm kind
of a bareback man myself.

- Goddammit, Bobo.

Take this.

- Yes, boss.

Pushy old queen.

- Lee, will you be okay?

- Of course, baby, just
make sure to say hello

to Bruce for me.


(club music thumping)

- Goddammit.

- Oh, stop pouting, Sam.

- I told you I wanted to be the Indian.

- You're not the Indian!

You're the construction worker!

- And I say goddammit!

- I didn't write the song YMCA, Sam.

It takes a man of certain moral character

to be the Indian.

And I'm the goddamn Indian!

- Hey there, cutie.

Nice buskins.

- Hello, fellow gay man!

Now, should I insert my penis

into your mouth now or later?

- I am married, asshole!

Jeez, just take the compliment.


- That guy totally wanted my cock.

- Nope.

- Let's try a new tactic.

(electronic club music)


We come in peace,

and we love to fuck butts!

- You fuckin' creep!


- Jesus!
- Pardon me.

Would you like to talk
about RuPaul's Drag Race?

- You know, I'd love to,

but I was just about to leave.

I gotta get to a Gilbert
and Sullivan rehearsal.

- Well, we should get together

and hang out sometime.

- You know, I'd like that.

I feel like there's been a
real connection between us.

Call me.


- My God, Sam!

You're like the gay whisperer!

You can think like them, infiltrate them,

penetrate them!

Oh, you're going to lead
us straight to Dynastud!

Let's dance!

(electronic club music)


Why are you all flocking to him?

- [Man] He's hot, dude.

- He's super hot.

- I just love this retro thing.

- Why the fuck are they attracted to you

and not me, Sam?!

- Especially 'cause
you're the Indian, too!

- Oh, fuck you!

- Fuck you!

(record scratching)

- You can't stop the music!

(funky club music)

Sup, sweet tits?


- The name's Lee Van Queef.

- Wow.


I'd hit that.

I mean, I know you're a dude and all,

but I have tape.

We can tuck it.

- I provide my own tape, copper top.

I am a professional.

- So, Mrs. Van Queef,

we know you're hiding Dynastud and Bart!

So, where are they?!

- Why would I tell a couple
pigs like you anything?

- We're the law.

- Well, I'm the law of
the jungle, motherfucker.

And I would like to introduce
you to the Bear Squad!

(funky music)

- We are gonna mop the
floor with you two oinkers.

- Sam?

Deploy the twink, quick!

Before they kill us!



- Ain't it always the way.

Fine, let me introduce you to

the Alberta chapter of
the K.D. Lang fan club!

(funky music)

- Dear God.

Sam, I think we're about
to get fucked harder

than a $10 whore during fleet week.

- We're liberals.

We've got kind hearts and
bottomless compassion.

We love everyone, regardless
of their differences.

We show tolerance in the face

of even the most violent opposition.

- Even though you bastards
took everything from us,

and now we've gotta go live in Canada.

- Seriously, I had to leave
my beautiful house in Georgia

to come move to this
moose infested wasteland.

- And everyone's so
goddamn nice all the time.

- So, come to think of it,

we really have no choice

but to beat you to death.

- Vargas, before we die,

I need you to know

I've always loved you.


- Fag.




- Canadians!


- They hit like girls.



- Drinks are the house, bitches!

♪ O Canada ♪

♪ Our home and native land ♪

(insects chirping)

(frogs croaking)

- Penny for your thoughts, Dynastud?

- Eat your s'mores, kid.

- What's Operation Neon Cobra?

- You'll find out soon enough.

- Listen, I'm getting sick of this.

You need to start giving
me some information

because I'm tired of being
in the dark all the time

and it's frustrating me!

- Well, you're gonna have to find a way

to relieve that frustration.

- Well, I have the perfect way to do that,

but it'll cause my head to explode.

Jesus Christ, I'm so horny!

- It's true.

There was only one man

who could survive the
assault of my sperm cannon.

- Lucky him.

Was this that Bruce guy?

Who was he?

- In all my life, I've only
ever truly loved one man.

And his name is Bruce Li.

- You mean the late, great
kung-fu master, Bruce Lee?

- Not to be confused with
that other Bruce guy.

His last name is spelled Li.

But all the same.

He was a great fighter,

a mighty warrior, and a true hero.

(funky 80s rock music)

- Mecha Trump!

- [Mecha Trump] Terminate, terminate!

(footsteps booming)


- One day Bruce got hurt
while shooting a movie

in Toronto called Fists of Karma,

so he was put in cryogenic freeze.

He healed, but nothing could revive him.

But then we found the scrolls!

And they said that only the
seed of one pure of heart

could awaken the fallen warrior.

And that seed

is your semen, Bart.

(ominous music)

- I'm sorry, what?

- Yeah, they were ancient scrolls

of foretold--
- No, no, no, no, no.

Fuck the scrolls, the other part.

- The cryogenic freeze?

- No, the part about my man jam!

- Your semen will awaken Bruce Li,

it is foretold, and so it shall be!

- Wait, back to my dick snot for a second.

- It also says when we awakens,

we will have sex,

and there will be an explosive orgasm,

and that orgasm will mark the beginning

of a new dawn of humanity!

- I feel really faint right now.

I think I need a candy bar or something.

- I need you, Bart.

Bruce needs you.

America, what's left of it, needs you.

You're the lynch pin.

What do you say?

- Oh, Dynastud, who can say no to you?

- No one.

That's my gift.

And my curse.

- I thought your banging dick
was your gift and your curse.

- I've got a lot of gifts,

and a lot of curses.

That's what makes me irresistible.

That is also my gift and my curse.

(light music)

- Can't I just suck you off a little bit?

- No!

It's too dangerous!

Why don't I return the favor?

- You mean?

(zipper scratching)

Damn, your smooth!

(singing in foreign language)

- Go fish.

- Burn in hell.

(gun shot booming)


- Shall I clean that up for you, sir?

- No!

Everyone's getting too
complacent around here.

Leave him there as a warning to others.

- Did, did you hear?

Those two MAGA Agents were killed!

- No!

(gun shot booming)




(singing in foreign language)

Who the fuck did that?

- You did!

- I did no such thing!

- Daddy, I don't mean to criticize,

but you might be kind of an asshole.

- Well, nobody's gonna miss those two.

We'll have 'em buried out in the backyard,

next to your mother and the horse.


- Oh yeah!

Oh, I've never felt
anything like this before!

- Bart, your semen, it glows!

You truly are the chosen one.

- Hey!

I feel used!

- Bart, with this seed will
grow a mighty tree of justice.

- That's it, I've had enough of this.

You got what you wanted from me,

so my part of this story is over.

- It's far from over, Bart.

You're a hero deep down inside.

Now, you can either go back to America

and spend the rest of your life running,

or you can join me

and change the world for the better.

The choice is yours.

- I'll take my chances.

(frogs croaking)

(dark ominous music)

- I should probably go
wash out my mouth now.


- Hello?

Dynastud, is that you?

(cell phone ringing)

Looks like my luck's beginning to change.

(suspenseful music)


- Hello, oneeyedyogurtslinger69.

- Yeah, that's my username.

You can call me Bart.

- I am hot for you?

- Sure.

I didn't know this was a cruising spot.

Seems a little out of the way.

- I want to be woman for you.

- Um, what?

You want to?

- All over my tits.

- Are you feeling okay?

- Wait, no.

I want to be the man.

You be the woman, right?

- Are you new at this?

- I want to submit to
your manly leadership.


(intense music)

That was easy.

All these guys care about
is getting their rocks off.




(electricity zapping)

- Kick his ass, Bart!

- I can't, I don't believe in violence.

- Well, it's time to buck up, buckaroo!

- I won't do it!

- Time to go home and
fuck your wife, Bart.

- They're gonna make
you fuck a woman, Bart!

- It doesn't matter!

I won't do it!


(electricity zapping)

(squishy explosion popping)


- Bart, what's your problem?

- Violence!

I don't do that!

You're the one who said
I was pure of heart,

I mean, Christ!

Do you want my semen to turn toxic?

- I don't think that's how it works.

- I've been taught to love, not to fight.

- Well, sometimes fighting is necessary.

It can actually be a great deal of fun.

- That's no answer, or even a good excuse.

- Look, my point is you
need to stop being a pussy,

or you're gonna get hurt.

- I think you're the one
who's afraid of being hurt.

(footsteps crunching)

- I'm not afraid of anything!

I'm Dynastud!

I'm a superhero, for God's sakes!

I'm every man's nightmare.

And every woman's dream.

(frogs croaking)

- Who the hell is it?


They're what?

They're both dead?!

Are you kidding me?

Well, nice talk, adios.



I'm gonna have to do this myself.

(eerie music)

- Senator Hightower!

- The fuck is wrong with you?!


- I was trying to be mysterious!

Easy, I bruise, I bruise!

- I'm here too, dad!

- Fuck everything!


- I'm gonna bleed, I'm gonna bleed.

- Where are we going?

- You're not coming.

- I never get to go anywhere,

but this time, I am coming!


You are not going to leave me

like you left mom!


I will kill this motherfucker

before I let you do that!


- I've cracked at least three ribs, Patty.

And I'm blacking out.

- Look, Patty, I'm sorry

I wasn't there for you!

- Don't you see, it's because
of you I am like this!

I wanna be in your life, dad!

Let me in!

I love you!

(speaking foreign language)

- Come here, sugar lamb.

(gentle music)

Let's go get your homo husband.


- Ooh, it has one of those!
- Yeah!


Let's go.


(waterfall gently splashing)

- Why are we stopping?

- Look.

- [Bart] Is that?

- Winnipeg.

Land of mystery and magic.

But before we go any further,

I need you to level with me.

Why don't you like violence?

Okay, this is happening.

- When I was really young,

my parents, they took
me to a Chuck E. Cheese.

- Yes, I could see how that would do it.

- No, that's not the whole story.

When we were leaving,

they were robbed and murdered
by a couple of thugs.

- Hand over your wallet and your purse,

and nobody gets hurt.

- I beg your pardon?

- Listen, we just want the cash.

Give us the money, you can walk away.

- This is a Gucci wallet.

- And this is an Ivanka
Trump signature handbag.

- I don't think you understand.

I just want your money.

Hand it over, or I'm
gonna ventilate your wife.

- Look, my lobbyist
did not work tirelessly

to repeal the estate tax laws,

so I could keep all of
my father's inheritance,

just to give it to some parasite

looking for a free handout!

- Just look at the two of you.

I mean, I respect your
right to open carry,

but you should know better

never to threaten people
of our skin color.

When you see people this pale,

think of us like an orange
vest during hunting season.

- I mean, really, let's talk about

how trickle-down economics works.

- Trickle this!

(gun shot booming)

- Whoa!

Well, did you hunt these guys down

and kill them in a most gruesome fashion?

- No.

I followed them home,

and they kinda took pity
on me and adopted me.

But they were really nice.

- Uh.
- And then,

in an even stranger turn of events,

when we were leaving Build-A-Bear,

they were robbed and murdered
by another group of thugs

who weren't so nice.

- Is this because of the
radioactive spider thing?

Because I was just
busting your balls, Bart.

- No, this actually happened!

- Alright, we're losing
daylight, let's go.

(waterfall gently splashing)

(funky electronic music)

- My God!

Is that where Bruce Li is stored?!

- In that spaceship?

No, Bart.

In order to get to Bruce Li,

we must travel to the outer most reaches

of our solar system.

Our mission is just beginning.

- Bitchin'!

(spaceship whooshing)

(intense music)

- Now I think we should run!



(lasers blasting)



(lasers blasting)

- Dynastud, we have something
coming up on our tail!


- He found us.

- Prepare to meet your maker.

And in this case,

your maker is me.

- To the end, I grapple with thee!

From hell's heart, I stab at thee!

In the name of hate,

I spit my last breath at thee!

- When did you learn to read?

(intense music)

(lasers blasting)

(explosion booming)

- [Bart] We've been hit!

- And lost power in the aft engines.

We'll never make it to
the Canadian mothership.


- Unless?!

- You're going to have to blow me, Bart.

It might kill you,

but I may be able to redirect the force

of my orgasm into the ship's main engines,

allowing us to go into hyper speed.

- Aye aye, captain!

(funky music)

- This next shot will
rob them of their powers.

Then we'll board the ship,

kill Dynastud,

and bring Bart back to Earth.

And he can finally board you.

- Glass doors open.


- More tongue, you fucker!

(missiles whooshing)


Ah, he shoots!

Oh, he scores!


- Why is it so salty, why?!

That can't be healthy!

- Bart, we're here!

Emergency Canadian maple
syrup space reserves!

Billions and billions of
gallons are stored up in there,

in case of the death of
the world's maple trees.

- It tastes like liquid beef jerky.

Is there any water on this ship?

- Red Maple?

Red Maple?

This is Dynastud.

Requesting permission to board.

- [Red Maple] Permission granted.

Welcome to the emergency

Canadian maple syrup space reserves.

The syrup must flow.

(electronic bleeping)

- Are all these filled with?

- Pure maple syrup.

The very lifeblood of
the Canadian economy.

Welcome to the (speaking
foreign language).

Ooh, and whatever you do,

stay away from that big
button on the far wall.

(ominous music)

Funny, I never noticed the
naked Asian man until just now.

- We'll take it from here.

- Sorry, didn't mean to pry.

If you need me, I'll be
watching my programs.

- Welcome, Dynastud, my lover.

I've returned to the world again.

The wheel of destiny continues apace.

(electronic bleeping)


- Bruce, this is Bart.

I believe the one the prophecy's foretold.

- He is certainly handsome.


- Whoa, what was that?

- Yes, and his heart is pure.

- Just as the scrolls foretold.

- Okay, look.

I'm getting at pretty annoyed

at not being told anything

and just being batted around
like a pawn in your game!

I want somebody to tell
me what's going (moaning).

Oh, that felt so good.

- Calmly, Bart.

You must be calm.

You deserve to know if
you're the hero we seek.

(explosion booming)

(kung-fu yelling)

What in the name of the
Buddha is this shit?!

(door whirring)

(emergency alarm blaring)

- We meet again, Dynastud.

For the last time.

- Hightower.

- I'm here because you stole
away my daughter's husband.

- Bart, you're married?

- Not on purpose.

- Okay.

- Say goodbye to your
perverted ways, Dynastud.

(lasers blasting)


- I kinda wanna watch football?

And play video games with my brahs.

- It worked!

Dynastud is straight!

- Dynastud, straight?!

- What have you done with him, you fiends!

- Whoa, everyone, just chill!

- Now, with Dynastud straight,

we can blast Bart and get him out of here

and safely brainwashed and back to Patty.

I've turned you straight, Dynastud.

Now, you're going to
scratch your balls in public

and not even care!

You're not going to notice
other people's feelings,

especially women.

You're going to shit and not flush.

And never do the dishes,

and think to yourself,

"Why are there no clean dishes?"

What do you think of that?

- I think you're a fucking idiot.

- Oh yeah?


- Because you just turned me straight.

You didn't turn me to your side,

you didn't take away my superpowers.

If anything, you amplified
them with undo aggression.

- What are you doing?!

- 100 billion gallons.

- All pointed at America!


If you push that button,

it will flood all of America.

Everything that we hold dear

will wash away in a tide of maple.


A class system nobody questions!

Empty strip malls and
Starbucks on every corner,

the biggest perpetual
war machine in the world.

Come on, Dynastud.

What do ya say?

(eerie music)

- Fuck it.

I want pancakes.

(alarm blaring)

(maple syrup splashing)


- Ooh, I'm terribly sorry to
have to tell you about this,

but everyone in America's dead now, eh?

(eerie music)

- Fuck it all.

(electronic bleeping)

One last dance.

But first,

I'm gonna send this little
faggot to the grave.

(intense music)

- No!

(gun shots booming)


- Gun-fu!

(kung-fu shouting)

(sharply exhaling)

What are you doing?

- Making America great again.

- Wait!

I'll give ya anything you need.

Come to my side.

- I'm gonna freeze your nomination.

(ominous music)

(door clanking)

- Fuck your mother, Dynastud!

- That's mothers!


(electronic bleeping)

Hey, I'm very sorry about your dad.

- No, don't sweat it.

He was a total douche canoe.

Anyway, I'm gonna head out.

- So, remember the prophecy?

Are we gonna fuck now or what?

- Ooh, on second thought,
I am going to stay.

- I can't.

My Gaydar, gone!

Instead in my head, a blueprint
of raping and pillaging.

Come on, wake up, let's do this!

I'm on top!


- Oh, you're so rough!

And why the fuck do you suddenly smell

like a bottle of Old Spice?

- I don't know.

Come on, let's do this!

This never happens!

- What do we do?!

How do we make you gay again?!

(funky music)

- I can't do this.

It has to be you, Bart.

The prophecies must've
meant him all along!

- What do you mean?

- You've gotta Bruce Li, Bart.

Bart, I never understood
your pacifist nature.

But now it all makes sense.

You see, Bart, you're a lover,

not a fighter.

- The world ain't gonna
unfuck itself, Bart.

(light funky music)

- Stand back, world!

Bart's about to enter the dragon!

- Okay, before we do this, can
I know something about you?

- Well, I'm really into feet.

- Yup, okay, we can stop there.

(electronic bleeping)



(groaning and moaning)

- It's working!

It's working!

- What the hell is that?

- That's a rip forming in
the space time continuum!

- Are you serious?!


- Uh, Bart, Bruce,

you're gonna have to work
a little harder at this,

or else the vortex will
collapse on itself.

- I'm doing the best I can here!

- Yeah, he's good,

but he's not Dyna-good.

- Thanks a lot!

- Dynastud, you'll have to join us!

It's the only way!

- I can't, I'm no longer gay!

Besides, all I wanna do is
listen to country western music

and hunt small animals.

- All will be lost if you don't join us!


- Well, are you gonna
save the world or not?

- I want to, but I'm straight now.

- Dynastud!

You lovely fool!

Don't you know, it's not
gay if a girl is watching!

- Holy shit!

Yeah, you're right, why
didn't I think of that?!

- Oh, and if you don't hold their head

when they're blowing you.

- Okay, yeah, I get it.

- And if the balls don't touch.

- Alright, yeah, moving right along.


(upbeat rock music)

(belt whipping)



- [Together] It is accomplished!


- A portal through time.

Do you know what this means, Bart?

- Actually, no.

I don't know what this means.

Where are we going to go?

And when we get there,
what are we going to do?

- For so long, our future was uncertain.

But no longer.

With this portal, we have the ability

to go to those moments in history

where our enemies sow the seeds of hate.

And in their place, offer love.

We will fight our enemies
across time itself

to prove our love is valid.

We will rewrite history,
so that it celebrates all

and not just a privileged few.

We will travel through time

to ensure that humanity's legacy

isn't a dark cloud, but a rainbow.

(triumphant music)

We're going to the past to ensure

that ignorance stays there.

This is our purpose.

This is our mission.

This is just the beginning.

(light music)

- But first, we can have a
six-way with ourselves, right?

- Damn right.

Then we can go save history.

- Well, then.

Let's do this.

- I call dibs on me!

(triumphant music)

(eerie orchestral music)

♪ I am the faulty wiring ♪

♪ The ball that's thrown ♪

♪ When there are no lights shining ♪

♪ In a place unknown ♪

♪ I am the wrong direction ♪

♪ And the purpose lost ♪

♪ I am decreasing balance ♪

♪ With a rising cost ♪

♪ I am the storm predicted ♪

♪ When there's no way through ♪

♪ No escape ♪

♪ No abandon ♪

♪ So I run to you ♪

♪ I am catastrophe ♪

♪ You'd do well to stay clear of me ♪

♪ For I am disaster ♪

♪ Coming on faster ♪

♪ Than you ever hoped to see ♪

♪ And I am unlucky charm ♪

♪ Though I won't mean to do you harm ♪

♪ If you see me look your way ♪

♪ You'd be wise to say ♪

♪ Leave me be ♪

♪ For I am catastrophe ♪

♪ I am the over stating ♪

♪ And the countless lost ♪

♪ I am the wasted raging ♪

♪ And the human cost ♪

♪ I am the face that haunts you ♪

♪ And the need that burns ♪

♪ I am the cycles wasted ♪

♪ As a sad world turns ♪

♪ I am the cyclone turning ♪

♪ I will block your path ♪

♪ I am ♪

(light melodic music)

- Shit.

Don't give me that!

I'm disappointed in you, all of you!

Even the ones who didn't
vote for the last asshole,

and especially those of you

who decided you had moral objections

to pulling the lever for
the last asshole's opponent.

Your high and mighty convictions

helped put that asshole
in the White House.

And look what that got you!

Gave the slimy underbelly of this nation

a wonderful opportunity to crawl out

of their holes and be openly awful.

You know better.

I know you know better.

And as for those of you who
did vote for the asshole,

you need to get that
shit out of your system

right the hell now!

There's no room for your hate

and intolerance and fear.

Not in America!

Not on the goddamn planet!

Don't be awful!

You got a couple of fellas
livin' next door to you,

you don't like what they
get up to in their bedroom?

Get on with your own damn life.

If it makes you uncomfortable,

it's because you're
payin' too much attention.

Stop peepin' in other people's windows!

Literally and figuratively.

Those two fellas, what damn
bit of difference does it make

to your day-to-day life

if they're living
together next door to you

or if they're married and
living next door to you.

We're all just trying to live our lives.

All of us, gay, straight,

black, white, whatever the hell.

We're all just trying to
find a little bit of love,

a little bit of happiness.

Don't be awful.

I swear, it's like none of ya

have the damn sense ya mommas

worked so hard to beat into ya!

We've all gotta live under this one roof.

And that means we sure as hell
better learn to get along.

You want the space force to shoot

the people you don't like into the sun?

And what happens when the tide turns,

and suddenly, you're the
people that people don't like?

Don't be awful.

That's all it takes.

And that's all I'm gonna say to you.

You'd best not make me say it again.

(light music)