Crshd (2019) - full transcript

Three college freshmen chase their crushes the last night of school before summer break. But bad decisions and long-kept secrets jeopardize the trust between best friends.


You okay?

You really-

Your face was like that.

Yeah, I'm fine.


I won't hurt your sprint.

I love it.

Yeah, those shoes are dope.

Like we should make an
Instagram page for 'em.

should the handle be?

White Girl, White Boots

I'm gonna start one on it.

Yeah, let's just like, you know,
like boots chillin', right?

Okay, boots on the quad.

What did
you use to paint these?

Just like a color.

Killin', right?

Okay, boots on the quad.

Boots on the quad baby.

Oh my
God, those socks are so good.

SKIRT: Thank you.

You're such a good artist.

Honestly, you're-

- At work, chill 'till two,
come hang before lunch.

Dope, see you in
an hour or so, Anuka?

Yay, heart emoji.

It's brewed
so much that I just like,

I don't know,

I just randomly made them one
night when I was really drunk.

Zero percent chance of me
losing my virginity tonight,

thumbs down emoji,
eggplant emoji.

We made a pact,
it's our last night.

We have to hold each
other accountable.

Just don't forget, you're
the only one who knows.

DWAI, babe, you're
secret is safe with me.

Kissy face emoji.

Mark, 22, this could be us.

Jason, 24, TTF only.

Alexander, 27,
I'm a real catch.



22, I'm cooking pasta

and we can watch a movie
with my cat, Snickers.

- Hey.
- Shit, sorry.

I must have scared you.

No, I, just didn't see you.

Sorry about that.

So are you ready
for the astro test?


- I'm really not sure either.
- Yeah.

I'm kind of nervous though.

Yeah, I'm getting
tense as well.

But you know, that's my
demeanor, is always tense.

I don't really
know how to react.

I totally get it though, it's
like crazy freshman year.

Like, I stay up so
late sometime and,

there are regrets.

I feel like I barely got to
like open up actually to anyone.

Like see the real me.

That's a totally
different story.

Anyway, have you heard about
that party happening tonight?

- Yeah.
- Hi!

- Wait for me?
- I wanna take a shower.

No, just one minute.

- Okay, cool, see ya.
- Bye.

Who's that?

I don't know, he's
in my astro class.

Look who it is.

Izz, getting down to
biz, all sweaty and shiz.

Deb, this is my friend, Izz.

- Hi Izz, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

You doing anything
interesting this summer?

I'm gonna spend the
summer with my grandparents

outside Chicago.

I'm trying to pass my
drivers' test finally.

You know what they say?

Every time you get in a car,
you put your seatbelt on

and every time you have sex,

- you use a condom.
- Really, mom?

Like right now?

- She's a sex educator.
- Thanks.

Well, time to get this
road on the show JuJu.


safe my Indian princess.

He's still saying that?

Izzy, look at these notes.

You're totally ready
for your final.

It was so easy
for me in high school

but this class is killing me.

Can we just
have fun tonight?

I'll have fun
when I get to Chicago.


You look fine.

It's just a black t-shirt.

Excuse me, these
shoes smell like piss.

Um, that's how
they all smell, so.

I'm not putting
those on my feet.

Yeah okay, well then
you can't bowl, so.

Can you just not do that?

We have a very particular way
about cleaning about them, so,

that's my job.

Well it seems like a bad way.

Because it still
smells like puke.


Yeah, if you don't put
these on, you can't bowl.

Okay, you can't
bowl in your socks.

Why do all the pretty girls
also have to be talented?

So much more fair
if they all sucked.

Okay, you're acting like
you're not pretty and talented.

I mean like your hair's doing

like a funny little
thing today but.

Have you seen her Instagram?

Lisa's so hot.

Nolan is so hot.

They're both pretentious.

Come see my lovely art
at #crushparty tonight.

What's a crush party?

I don't know.

Be right back.

- Hey, hi.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why is everyone so
obsessed with her?

Her art isn't even good.

I like her art.

It's cute.

I don't want my
art to be cute.

Yeah, your art isn't cute.

I was just looking
at your Instagram.

Hmm hmm.

And I was just wondering
what a crush party is.

Oh, a crush party
is, are you a freshman?

Hmm hmm.

I mean look at her shoes.

She had to paint these as well?

I don't get it.

No one's
even gonna be there,

everyone's left for the summer.

Yeah, that's why
everyone's gonan be there

specially to bone.

Isn't that like every party?

Also, who says bone?

Uh, I say bone, boning is hot.

It sounds like ET, bone
home or throw a dog a bone.

No, it's like
come on bone me baby

or like come on, just
a quick little bone

before this party tonight.

It sounds awful.

Hey, you're
like a monk with a vagina.

That's a nun.

I haven't even
started studying.

We made a pact.

Fiona, if I do
not pass this test,

I'm literally dead and
will lose my scholarship.

- Wait, what pack?
- Okay.

You're gonna be stuck with
your grandparents all summer.

Um, eating oatmeal and
playing like badminton

and massaging their dog when
she's constipated, okay.

You need to be freaking DM on
getting some dick right now.

Oh she'll do the guy
she did last summer.

What's his name?


Oh Travis,
who is Travis.

Never mind.

- If I submit my crush's name.
- Hmm hmm.

They get a
specific invitation.


And if someone crushes me,

I also get an invite.

Crush party.

was a dog trapped

inside a sewage plant.

It's unclear how
he ended up there.

But everything turned out okay.

He's back home safe
with his owners

eating a big bowl of kibble.

you Jeff, in other news,

Huntington Center is hosting

the Midwest succulent
convention today.


Admission is free

for children under 12...

You need to friend
him on Facebook

and then deep like
one of his photos.

Deep what?

It's like, you go way
back into their photos

and then like one.

So that it sends them a signal
that you're stalking them

and that you're
interested in them.

I couldn't find
the one on Facebook.

I'll try to find
tagged photos of him.

My profile reads apathetic
with a touch of fuck boy.

It's clear that I took
time to curate my page

but not that much time.

I love internet art
and I have a tattoo

of my childhood stuffed
animal on my bicep

so I have no pictures
of no one here.

I sort of forget to
update my profile picture.

It's been the same
for like two years

and I'm fairly hot but I don't
really like to show it off.

But no picture
with Nolan, sorry.

What about that guy?

I haven't changed my
profile picture since 2007.

I only use Facebook to
follow banned pictures.

I don't have Facebook so
technically I don't exist.

No, whatever.

And I think he's dating Elise.

Elise is gay, like
gay gay, not bi.

Because in one of our class,

she brought in all
these paintings

of all the vaginas
of all her exes

and then she talked about
all the breakups like

every story, so.

She's gay.

What about that guy?


I'mma gonna get some cereal.


Elise, 22.

Let's get naked and paint
each other's bodies.

Hey Elise.

Yo, what's up girlfriend, no.

Question about the
crushed party, eh.

It's at Big Blue.

Just go there and
ask for Stephanie.

She's like tall and stunning
and really hip and friendly.

Just tell her you wanna
submit in a crush.

- Cool.
- Definitely go.

- It'll be so fun.
- Okay.

See ya there.

We're both getting action,
we're both getting action.

Shh, shh.

You're always so loud.

I prefer enthusiastic.


We made a pinky promise,
a pact, you and I.

I'm going to make
out with Elise.

You are going to find
someone and bone them

and pop that sweet, sweet,
cute little cherry of yours.


You just have to um,
channel your secret,

inner female goddess
and have eye sex

with everyone on
the dance floor.

Super simple.

Eye sex, hmm hmm.

You just find
someone in this party

and then you lock
eye, like this.

Yeah, okay, try
it, try it with me.

Okay, hmm, hold eye contact.

Okay, a little less diarrhea.

Okay, okay, let's stop.

Um, we're just gonna get
your very drunk, okay?

I'm Sexy Rexy, AKA Mean
Profit, AKA Young Jump Start.

I love bowls of spaghetti,
my pod collection,

Naruto fan fiction and dad bods.

I could be your
devil or your angle.

Hope I made you turtle.

You really want that cereal?

It sticks together
when it's stale so.

You can just take
some from the top.

But punching it
might be more fun.

Genius, thank you.

No problem.

I'm always like struggling
to get it open like...

I'll give
them back tomorrow.

Izzy, you...

Do you have an
early flight tomorrow?

- Hmm hmm.
- Hmm hmm, so.

- Early morning.
- Right, yeah.

We probably shouldn't
go out then.

See, you gotta
stop doing that.

You don't want to
be hung over tomorrow.

- You are...
- Can we call it?

I have to go back to work.

Someone took shoes,
I don't know.

That means you have to
go to Big Blue, okay.

You need to submit Nolan.

I'm gonna submit Elise, okay.

It's two blocks down
the road, just go.

There should be a box.

Find the box, if
there's not a box, knock

and ask for Stephanie.

Apparently, she's really hot.

Izzy, I know
where we're going.

It's that way.

- It's that's way!
- Eh, no.

Where are we?

I think this way.

That way.

Are you sure?

This has to be it.

Oh my God, it smells like weed.

Yo, what's up ladies?

Or should I say girls?

Or should I say women?

Is Stephanie here?

Stephanie is ocucpano,
if you know what I mean.

We're here to submit our
crushes for the party tonight.


The crush party, it's
happening here tonight?

We sell great parties.

You ladies wanna smoke?

No, we're here to
submit our crush's name

in a box to make sure that
they're invited to the party

and to let them know that
someone else in the party

is interested in
them romantically.

What about Tinder?

K, K?

I matched with him on Tinder.


I couldn't find a pen but if
you write down your crushes,

I'll make sure they
get to Stephanie.

In that?

Anuka, are
you submitting someone?

Yeah, just for fun.

Do not tell me this is
my Phineas and Ferb DVD.

It is.

For six months, I've
been looking for this.

Please put it somewhere safe.

And then Fifi, hand me the tens.

We gotta do a count on that too.

Thank you.

Oh boy, that is heavy, God!

Hand me the fourteens.

- You kids lack mortals.
- Hmm hmm.

You have
no scruples, at all.

Hmm hmm.

Bowlers, we gotta keep our
minds out of the gutters.

The red tape doesn't
belong in here.

Where's the, where's the...

- I...
- Oh here.

Take that.

And take these.

We gotta kid coming in.

Competitive, he's good.

Are we really gonna
close College Lanes

because of a stolen
pair of shoes?

We can't close
College Lanes, okay.

I hated being a barista.

I hated it Tony.

I hated it.

See, where's
that passion been?

You're over here,
a kid tipping balls

and then you're hopping
on the oil pushers.


The thing that
cleans the lanes.


I know it's fun, it's like
a Zamboni, but seriously.

Look at that.

My grandma painted that by hand.

- We said, grandma, why?
- Why?

Why by hand, we'll do it,
we'll get decals, whatever.

She said, un uh,
I'm gonna do it.

We said, it doesn't match.

Brown and yellow,
it doesn't match.


Said, I wanna do it in neon.

That's become the fabric
of this whole place,

you see what I'm saying?

I do.

It's all cobbled together
with people like us,

but these, the shoes,
they keep it going.

- Repeat after me.
- Okay.

- We.
- We.

- Won't.
- Won't.

- Lose.
- Lose.

- Slow down.
- Sorry.

- Any more.
- Any more.

- Shoes.
- Shoes, I will find them.

- Go find the shoes.
- Okay.

Uh hey, are you gonan be
studying all night, tonight?

She's on no astro diet.

No more studying.

Not totally no more studying.

So are you gonna be going to
any parties, tonight, maybe?

The crush party.

- At Big Blue.
- Cool.

Cool, yeah, me too, actually.


I don't usually go to parties.

I usually stay in with
Paul and we watch videos.

Yeah, I...

Yeah, just these sort
of like sort of Russian

motorcycle accident videos.

There's like no road laws there.


Yeah, they're actually
pretty exhilarating.


I'll see you there, then.

Yeah, no, I'll
probably see you later.

You don't wanna
get with this guy!

He's gross!


Dude, gross is in.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That boy is totally into you.

You should flirt with him.

He's awkward.

And his friend literally
just said he's gross.

They're just messing with you.


They took my gin.

I didn't know they were
allowed to open the cabinets

or anything.

Would you have sex with
all these old people,

staring at you?

They're not old people.

Do you even know who
Vera Cooper Rubin is?

Literally, no one cares.

discovered dark matter.

How many people do you think
had sex on your mattress?

I can't do to this party
sober and we have five hours

to get alcohol and get drunk

and my mom thinks
I'm 12 years old

and sent me a single lollipop
in a box covered in hearts.

You're freaking kidding me.

Fiona, they took my
gin in room inspections.

We're gonna go get
beer or something

at the gas station, ugh.

Crying emoji.

Dude, that's so much alcohol.

Dude, shh, come on.

Hi boys.


You don't have
alcohol, do you?

Will Lee?

Yeah, Willy.

It says this time
that you're from uh,

Dicksville, Arkansas.

Yeah, yeah, Dicksville, yeah.

Well, you have a good
time in Dicksville, okay.

- Yeah, man.
- Not bad though.

- Respect, my dude.
- Yeah.


Take care, yeah.


- Just the ramens for ya?
- Yeah, just the ramen.

Are you sure you don't want

a smell my nuts flavored candle?


Where you from?

- India.
- India, okay.

Is it hot in India?

'Cause I like it hot.


What about you, young lady?

This is all?

You have an ID?

So how is the weather
in um, in Apalachocola?

Nice, warmish.



I don't think so my lady.

But I could give
you one of those

smell my nuts flavored candles.

That was ridiculous.

You're lucky that he
gave you your ID back.

Fiona isn't even answering.

Dear Isabelle,

I will be in my office
until nine this evening.

Please come by with questions
and to review the materials.

You need at least 71% on
this test to pass the class.

I don't wanna see you fail.

And I highly suggest that
you come by to see me.

I have some of Julius' weed.

You know weed gives me
horrible panic attacks.

I should just go
see my professor.

Oh my God.

Congratulations, hot stuff.

You've been crushed.

Somebody crushed me.

Who do you think crushed me?

Tonight you get
to chase your crush.

Wear pink and red and show
up at Big Blue by 11:00 p.m.

to get a heart.

Only people who've been
crushed are allowed in.

See you then sexy.

Winky face, smiley, Stephanie.

That guy is
peeing on that car.

You are a sex goddess.

Come to the party tonight.

You won't regret it.

Don't you wanna succeed?

You don't wanna end your
freshman year still a virgin,

do you?

This is your future Isabelle.

Ah, this is some
legit kinky stuff.

Oh my God.

You should
not put those on.

Oh my God, just feeling
them makes you so nice.

It's like very sexual Jared.

Kind of like it too much.

Like very into this.


Fiona, answer your phone.

I just got crushed.

Dispatch, put me on with
George George Victor, 1133.

I let you borrow mom's
car and this is what you do?

I thougth you were
gonna take pop pop

to the Midwest
succulent convention.

I'm really sorry
officer, you know,

I just thought these were
like kinky handcuffs,

like for sex not for jail.

And I...



Thank you.

J, when you're
behind the wheel,

you need to be aware of
everything around you.

We're all fishes.

You need to watch out for
all of them around you.


No, you're gonna
let me finish.

Don't move, I'll
be right there.

Hello, I found alcohol
ladies, let's go shall we?

Fiona, who
are these children

and where are they taking us?

Izzy, don't worry about it.

If we die
tonight, it's on you.

All right, just
a little bit further.

Where are we going?

Oh wow.


I hated
high school, you know.

Everyone thought I
was a middle schooler,

'cause I had my braces on still.

It's a hard time.

Well, don't worry...

In the beginning, about
13 billion years ago,

all the space, matter and
energy of the known universe

was contained in the volume
of a single pinpoint.

The diversity of life on Earth.

Don't you want to succeed.

Lose your virginity
another time.

This is your future, Isabelle.

Izzy, you'll do fine.

I should have gone
to see my professor.

Well, maybe you're
not the next Carl Sagan.

- Sagan.
- Sagan.

You're Izzy Alden.

You're smart, committed.

And you'll do fine,

even if you study all
night tonight or not.

Let's play, never have I ever.

If you've done it, you drink.

Never have I ever
been in a threesome.


Bullshit, Emerson.

You don't know my life Jared.

Two boys or two girls?

- Both.
- Oh.

though you don't see it

or feel it, touch
it or taste it,

smell it or even sense it,

does not mean it does not exist.

Part of why we have
science at all is to decode

that which is true in nature
that otherwise transcends

our sensory perceptions.

- Fiona!
- Fiona!


- Let's go.
- Okay, okay.

- Oh Izzy.
- I'll be your driver.

Izzy, you're
a terrible driver.

You don't
have a license.

You're all too drunk.

will not be a statistic.

What you doing?

She's grounding herself.

Just feel the wheel on your
sexy little fingertips, okay.

You're ready for takeoff.

You're like a sexy
car astronaut.

Come Izzy, floor it.

We gotta get you on
the way to boneville.

Bone, bone, boneville!

- Boneville, bone...
- Would you stop?

Um, just
go a little faster.

Okay, so we get back, get
changed and go to Big Blue.

Just focus on the road Izzy.

Can you tell me who it's from?

Your mom just texted.

She said, Izz, did
you get my package?

Just a little end of
the year celebration.

She sent a photo
of herself with,

a joint?

Okay, your mom is hot.

Is that all she said?

My dad got a thing for her.



Oh, it's my dad again.

Who's that?

Oh my God,
no, no, no, no, no.

J, what in the hell is
she doing driving mom's car?

You lose soda pop
privileges for two weeks.

That's not fair, dad you
can't even pull people over.

You see this badge Jared?

If you're being a safety threat,

which this young lady,
going 15 in a 35,

I most certainly can.

Sorry officer.

Can I see some ID please?

You're not a cop.


We've got cousins there.

Ah, yeah.

Nice weather.

I gotta make it
down there sometime.

J, put gas in the car.

Ah, I just
feel so good right now.

So that
was my gin they were drinking.

I gotta shower.

Okay, I'm gonna go change

and I'll meet you
in the playground.

They faked the
room inspections.

All that alcohol you were
drinking, was stolen.

Um, and Elise's boots?

I'll give them back.

Ah huh.

Nolan Wiles, hmm.

I have a lot of
pictures of me smiling.

But taken with
cool film cameras.

It's a good combination
of hip, but approachable.

I have a big trust fund

but my most expensive
item of clothing?


I also do a lot of
promotion for my band page.

I just added him for you.

You love pretentious boys.

Does my make up look okay?

No, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.

You deep like when
he accepts, okay?

Oh my God.

His band is called Cut Loose.

♪ You could say oh my God,
your lips are too soft ♪

♪ What is too soft, ♪

♪ Nothing's ever too soft ♪

♪ Want you to pick my
brain and my subconscious ♪

♪ With me you don't have
to feel self-conscious ♪

♪ You look so pretty
when you're sad ♪

♪ Wanna give you little
cuddles on my bean bag ♪

♪ On my bean bag ♪

♪ You don't have to feel sad ♪

♪ On my bean bag ♪

It said to wear pink and red.

♪ You don't have to feel sad ♪

♪ Then we got to your... ♪


Here, wear these.

But, you know I'm not like
into big jewelry and stuff.

Just wear them.

They're for good luck.

They were a part of my
great grandmother's dowry.

And you know the rubies,

they came from the red cells

of her mother's father's.

It's like my great
grandparents soul

is preserved in these,

soon to be followed
by my grandparents

and my parents and then me.

Is that an Indian tradition,

trapping your
ancestor's in jewelry?

Just wear them.

I wore them when I took
my SAT's and I got 2360.


Nana Deelep.

And Nani Meena.

Will guide you tonight.

Okay, let's go.

Will you
ever get a bag?

One sec, I forgot something.

Tell Fiona that
we're heading out.

Hey, you still coming tonight?


Izzy matched with JuJu?

Last night was fun.

Wanna hang again?

Okay, I'm ready.

Is Fiona meeting us there?

I bet she's already at
Big Blue and making out

with Elise on the dance floor.

You coming?


You okay?


Take your phone back.

- Just wait.
- Okay.

Make sure that I don't
chicken out, okay.

Who do you think crushed me?

Do you think Nolan crushed me?

Oh my God, if Nolan crushed me,

my heart is going to explode.

- God, I'm so nervous.
- Hmm hmm.

This isn't even the right place.

No shit.

They're gonna stop letting
people into the crush party

in 12 minutes.

Of course, they only
had to say Big Blue.

That's not even an address.

Does anyone here feel that
we're a part of a big joke?

Izzy, it's not a
great disappointment.

Everything happens for a reason.


Hello Instagram friends.

This is Fiona, I just
wanted to update you all.

I am alive and
alone in this park.

And I'm going to the party.

Hmm, I don't like that.

Oh my God.

LOL, nice.

You going to the
crush party later?

- Please don't.
- I actually don't know.

But I'm gonna trust
you on this one.

Again, don't let me
down and let's go.

Hey, uh, how's the
not studying going?

I think I'm gonna go.

No, wait.

- Uh, have...
- Sorry.

Guys, my friend Paul.

He's one of the nicest
guys I've ever, ever met.

He's actually very
trendy as well.

He's kidding.

But seriously,
this guy is great.

I mean if I were you.

Um, are you going
to Big Blue later?

We got lost.

It's just down the hill.

We'll get you there in time.

- Okay, one.
- Ah!


one of our body's atoms

is traceable to the Big Bang.

We are made of star matter.

We are not simply
in the universe.

We are a part of it.

We are born.

You might even say we've been
empowered by the universe

to figure it out and
we've only just begun.

Oh my God, Izzy.

Are you okay?

Deelep and Meena,
they saved me.

Uh, okay.

Let me just.

Whoa, oh my God,
that's so sweet.

Thank you so much.

What time is it?

It's 10:57.

Three minutes, hmm!

Sorry about your skateboard.

Sorry, she's
embarrassing sometimes.


She breaks your board.

What's next, your heart?

This isn't a Soviet film,
this is your life, man.

Can you shut up?

So frustrating.

That no one takes my art
seriously because I'm an athlete.

- Izzy.
- Ah, I feel really weird.

Izzy, you're fine, okay.

I have have to go.

You're now will be here soon.

Georgie messaged you on Tinder.

So flirt with him.


I'm gonna go.


Hello, I've been crushed.

Excuse me, sorry.


Isabelle Alden.

A-L-D-E-N, like Baldwin
but not Baldwin.

Just kidding.


Can I have some of your water?

What the fuck
happened to the music?

There's a cooler
art party down the street.

Let's go to the that.

Come on
guys, come back to ours.

No music.

make fun of this kid,

he doesn't know what he's doing.

God, okay.

Ah, thank you so much.

Yeah, so I don't know.

It's always just been
like a personal dream

of mine to like break
the sound barrier,

jet plane, you
know, Mach 3 or 4.

- Yeah.
- I don't know.

Like Speed Runner.

I'm inside alone.

I don't know what to do.

What, you're already there?

Where's Anuka?

She left.

I've been waiting for
you guys at the playground.


Eh, whatever.

We didn't have sex.

Running man emoji.

- Break the sound barrier.
- Hmm hmm.

Apparently, cum travels
at 65 miles an hour

which when I found that out,

I'm just like so

- Wow, that's crazy.
- Yeah.

That's not possible.

That's like double the speed
limit on Main Street, so.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Anyways.
- Yeah, it's like.


But I heard it's even
faster if you eat celery.


It should work now.

I like your shirt.

Thanks, it was my grandpa's.

He was the music producer

of some Christian
Death Metal group.

My grandpa was in
the music industry.

Woe, sick shoes.

Hey, you wanna
help me DJ, make out,

then go home together
and have romantic sex

on my twin Xl bed?

I would love to have
romantic sex with you

on your twin XL bed.

I like your shirt.


I like your shirt,
what does it say?


What does it say?

Your shirt.

I don't know, I got
it at a thrift store.

Oh, cool!

I have a lot of those too.

Yeah, cool.

Have eye sex

with someone on the dance floor.

like one of his photos.

You don't wanna end

your freshman year
still a virgin, do you?

Hey, you made it?


You smell great.


you up too buddy?

I'm not at a party.

Are you smoking?

It's not lit.

Uh, how's the party?

Not lit, either.

Wait, JuJu, you're frozen.

You need a light?


Can I call you back?

Wait, wait, who's that?

- Bye.
- Who's that guy...

I'm trying to quit, so.

So, you fake smoke at parties?

You mind if I join you for one?

Um hmm.

Anuka, right?


So uh, who's JuJu?

My boyfriend, I guess.

I guess?

Wait, how come
you're not inside?

I wasn't crushed.

What do you mean?

I mean, that
nobody crushed me.

Wait so if you weren't
crushed, that means.

Izzy got crushed for real.


Wait, you weren't
crushed for real?

Well, you
don't have to rub it in.



I just feel like your background
deserves more than this.


- Your cultural...
- Oh!

So you mean, I should
put all the Hindu gods

all over the place?

- No, I mean...
- No.

Just like if this
is a self-portrait.

Yeah, which is ugly
because I am ugly.

- No.
- No.


Uh, it just doesn't seem
as unique as you do.

It's okay.

I, look, I've just seen
some stuff like this before.


I can be kind of
an asshole, I know.

Yeah, I've heard that.

- Yeah?
- Hmm hmm.

What have you heard?

That you wrote a
sexist crossword puzzle

in a newspaper or something.

All right, I didn't even
think it was that bad.


The clue was the
skin around the vagina

for a five letter word.



I guess it incorporates my
cis, straight white male,

privilege background
pretty nicely.

Hmm hmm, definitely.

Ew, JuJu?


Izzy said you left?

- Hey, I'm Fiona.
- Hey, I'm Rex.

Yeah, I know who you are.

You're the vagina man.

Um, where's Izzy?


Oh, Izzy's on her
way to bonetown.

Welcome, welcome
to the bonetown.

No, you don't know that song?

Nope, no I don't, do you.

Hmm hmm, no.

Hmm, that's fine.

Have you seen Elise,
'cause she slummed my DM's.

Well, she's probably inside.

But they won't let you
in if you're not crushed.

They won't let
me in if I'm not,

what are you talking about?

Let's just go through a window.

- Is this really necessary?
- Yes.

Hey you guys,

we can just get in
through the back door?


You know, I'm not gay, right?

No, not me either.

Okay, good.



They were a part of my
great grandmother's dowry.

My great grandparents soul
is preserved in these.

Soon to be followed
by my grandparents

and my parents and then me.

Come on grandma.

Tell me where grandpa is.

One sec.

I thought you left.

I made out with Georgie.

He smelled like a
kitty litter box.


Wait, are you?

Hey, hey, hey,
Nolan's over there.

Go and make out with him.

I already made
a fool of myself.

Izzy, come on.

I'm gonna find Elise, just
go make out with Nolan.

Okay, please, yes, thank you.

All right,
gig's up folks.

Too many noise complaints.

Anuka, someone crushed me.

Did you guys leave?


Hey Izzy, aw, are you okay?

put me at the house party.

Fiona, those are my shoes!

Your friend has my shoes.

What the fuck!

She vomited on them.

You took those
from the bowling alley

and didn't tell me?

You knew I got in trouble?

You have
this young lady's shoes?

Give me my shoes back.

That's actually psychotic?

You realize that
you're the reason

I might get fired right,

like you're the reason
College Lanes might close.

You know, I love
working there Izzy.

I got a whole lecture today.

I guess you should have stayed
at home and studied.

I think maybe you
should come with me

and sober up a little
bit young lady.

I love y'all like you're
my own but you're a lot.

You a freshman?

I have a speech for freshmen

who don't their
substance limits.

I like to remind you kids

that the world ain't
easy all the time.

You're all just fishes.

Swimming upstream, fins
against the current.

When you're in college,
it's easy to forget

that we're all just a school
of fish who are people.

On this Earth for
different reasons

but swimming in the same waters.

Izzy, 19.

I have a decent Yelp review.

Look me up.

Cat emoji, heart emoji,
smiling poop face emoji.

I seem like the biggest weirdo.

Most important,

love yourself.

Keep that love somewhere
around your mind

like a love fish.

He's a slippery fellow.

But if you ever find
yourself lost or unsure,

just try catching that
love fish and hold on tight

and don't let go.

Oh shoot, I'm sorry.

I thought today
would be the night

I had to leap and mean
it and they're souls

and they're good
luck but not for me.

My friends, they don't get it

because it's never
been hard for them.

They just look at a guy

and he comes to
them and that's it.

They're kissing and hanging out

and holding stupid hands
and watching stupid movies

and laughing at stupid jokes

and all that other stupid,
cute shit that I want.

I'm sorry, I was just
talking about self love.

I'm so cool.

Like what is the
reason for all of this?

Like honestly, I
have a good body.

And my dad always said that
I had a good sense of humor

and I know that there
are like worse things

in the world to worry about

so I try not to think about.

They're too much,
I get too upset.

But I just really, wanted
to like finally have sex!

Can I have some gum?

Yeah, sure.


And then I gave my
roommate back his first suit

Guys, wait up.

After I got it dry
cleaned of course.

And uh.

I'm sorry.

Um, do you know where Izzy is?

I don't know who that is.

No, why?

I'm just looking for her.

It's something personal.

Sorry, to disturb you guys.

It's cool, man.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I should be fine.


- All right.
- Okay.

Okay, cool, nice
meeting you dude.

I'll see you guys.

- Yeah, definitely.
- Good night.

I know I'm intimidating.

Girls find me intimidating.

I always have to
make the first move.

Oh, well, I mean,
you're like really pretty

and really cool, so.

That makes sense.

But you're also like,

by far the sexiest bowler I've
ever seen working here, so.

This powder stuff
is really cool.

I took intro to drawing
class my freshman year.

I was gonna be this
studio art minor.

But we were suppose
to do a self-portrait

and I showed mine to the class

and everyone thought
it was a bottle

even though I was trying to...

And uh, I um.

I'm in an open relationship.

Uh oh, okay.

I was wondering about that.

Here, drink this.

Read this.

And this.

And this one.

You should probably
read all of these.

Just, I'll take you home.


What's your name?

Officer Mike's the name.



I'm sorry you had to
deal with me tonight.

Don't worry,
you're not to blame.

It's your parent's fault
for not raising you right.

You always
come in here alone though.

Yeah, my friends hate bowling.

Yeah, I know.

They think it's like, just
for old people which it is,

kind of.

This place may close.



You guys should
like, I don't know.

You should try and
make it like more cool

and like hipster and stuff.

Like, do like theme nights.

Like you guys could do
like a Big Lebowskiy night

or something.

Yeah, you could guys could
do like White Russians

- and have like a bar.
- Huh.

I don't know, that
might bring people in.

That's good.

Don't forget to wash your
feet before you go to sleep.

Otherwise, you'll get sick.

Thanks, again.



Anuka, please, please answer.

Please, please,
please, please, please.

Hi, it's Anuka.

- No.
- Leave me a message.

And I'll call you back, thanks.



Anuka, you have my keys!



Izzy, shut up!

I've been calling
and texting you.

You have my keys.

Yeah, well
I've been sleeping.

Did you have a fun night?


Why are you being weird to me?

I'm not being weird.

Yes you are, look at me.


Did you sleep with Julius?



So you're trying to
tell me that you did not

go on a Tinder date with him?

Yeah, at the beginning
of the year, we.

Talked and got burritos.

Yeah, and why didn't
you tell me this?

'Cause I didn't think
it was a big deal.

My current boyfriend tried
sleeping with my best friend.

We didn't sleep together.

Oh and you
want me to believe that?

- Yes because...
- Because!

- Because...
- Because what!

Because I'm a virgin!

What about Travis?

So you've been lying
to me this whole year?

Izzy, pick someone
and fuck them already.

It's not a big deal.

There's so many guys that
are attracted to you.

You certainly don't
think that's true.

I was just trying to
boost your confidence.

How about you give
me my earrings back

and let's just call
it a night please.

Izzy, can I have
my earrings back?

I'm really sorry.

I lost the other one.

You what?

At the party.

Are you serious?

I just...


Yo hey, I never thanked
you for saving the party,


No, no, no, no problemo.

Nolan, who you talking to?

Okay, bye.

Hey, do you wanna
hang out for a bit?

So how come we've
never met before?

We did.

At orientation.

Oh, I was high
like that whole week.

You do music stuff?

I played bass for like
a month in middle school.

So that like doesn't
really count.

I bet you have a
good voice, like,

high pitched, talk rat moaning.

Yeah, accurate.

So sexy.


Do you wanna join?

And I'll trick behind you.

Yeah, yeah.

I have a final tomorrow.

This has been great.

Have a good summer.

Guys, I'm so sorry
I was such an idiot

and a horrible
friend last night.

Anuka, I won't leave campus
until I find the earring.

And Fiona, I'll obvi
apologize to Elise and Tony

about the shoes.

I'm gonna miss you ladies
so much this summer.

I wouldn't have survived
freshman year without you both.

Heart emoji, praise hands
emoji, family emoji.

You still alive
after last night?



Yeah, you know, I've been
here since six, chugging coffee.


Um, how was the
rest of your night?

You know, just uh.

Typical, typical
party stuff, whew!

I have a final that
I have to, go to.


Cheers to you.

You make things hard
for yourself, don't you?


- You have an exam now.
- Yeah, Astro 101.

Cool well, see ya.

Good luck.

- Shoes?
- Found the shoes.

- Good.
- Tony.


I have a solution.

- Hit me.
- Okay.

Theme nights.

Bedazzle Raffle.

Disco night.

Ladies night.

I just really think that,

we just need to get
people in here, you know.

I think the themes
will bring people in,

people love that,
they can Instagram it.

- I just...
- Hmm hmm, hmm hmm.

This one could work.

- Bedazzle Raffle.
- Hmm hmm.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Diamonds.
- I like the diamonds.

Hmm hmm.

My grandma liked diamonds.

You know I like my grandma.

- Neon...
- Neon.

- But no, for sure.
- Hmm hmm.

- Hmm hmm.
- For sure.

Hmm hmm.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Cool.
- Thank you.


- Is that it?
- Yeah.


Thanks, let me know
about the earring.

I'll post about it on Facebook.

I'm gonna miss you both.

Let's make sure we FaceTime.

Kissing face emoji.

It's fine Izzy, actually.

Elise and I stayed up all night

'cause she had a really great
idea for saving the lanes.

It was hot.

Fire emoji.

I can't believe you threw
up on her white shoes, LOL.

Crush that astro exam, okay?

Love you, winky face.

Good morning, good morning.

Now, we will all.

Now we will all stand.

Yes, yes, everyone
up on your feet.

As I like to do
before every exam.

And reach your arms
up the heavens.

Up to the celestial sphere
and ask for some support

from the sky on this exam.

You may be seated.


There are 50
multiple choice questions

on this exam.

Hi Meena.

And 10
short answer responses.

All the equations you need
are on the back of the test.

Hey, it's Oliver.

Uh, I found your earring
last night, funny story.

Would you want to grab coffee
or something for the exam?

You're a star, winky face.

How about a celebratory
coffee after the exam?

As I'm
sure that you do as well.

You may begin.