Crime on Their Hands (1948) - full transcript

The stooges are janitors working in a newspaper office. When an anonymous caller phones in a tip about the theft a famous diamond, the boys decide to become reporters and go after the crooks. They find the crooks, but Shemp accidentally swallows the diamond which was hidden in a bowl of candy. The crooks want to cut the diamond out, but the boys foil them with the help of a friendly gorilla.


The Punjab Diamond, kiddies.

Fourth largest diamond
in the world.

And it's all ours.

What a hunk of ice.

Yeah, hot ice, baby.

Hotter than the lid
of a pot-bellied stove.

Hey, Dapper,
when do I get the--?

I said the rock was hot,
didn't I?

We're not pedaling this till
things cool off a little.

Oh, no you don't. You said
I'd get my dough tonight.

Hey, why you--

Smack me, will you?
Double-cross me, will you?

You ain't heard the end of this,
big shot. I'll get mine.

And believe me,
you'll get yours.

Well, men, this will
be a tough assignment.

Do you think
you can cover it?

Yes, sir.

Beat up pretty bad,
Mr. Cameron, but we'll cover it.

When we put it back
on your chair,

you'll think
you got a new seat.

Good, and make it snappy,
will you?

Oh, I'll be back
in half an hour.

This story's liable to break

wide open any minute.

"Punjab Diamond stolen."

"Daring bandits raid
muh-seum in daylight."


Ain't that something?
Inside job?

It could be.

Anyway, I'm putting every
available man on the job.

Oh, boss, how about trying
us out as reporters?

Yeah, news hawks.
That's our dish.

Tear out the front page.

Stand by for a scoop.

Stop the presses.

Copy boy, copy boy,
stop the presses.


Moe, Moe, stop the presses.

Now, behave.

What do you say, boss?
Will you give us a break?

Well, um, you boys see me
after a while, will you?

I'm going out and grab
a bite of supper.

Okay. Get busy.
Go ahead. Go ahead.


Clean this mess up.


Go on, you...

Ooh. Ow.

Ooh. Ow.

Oh, Moe, I'm sorry.

Ooh, oh, oh.
Now, I'm sorrier.

How do you feel?

You look like a bird
in a gilded cage.





Yeah, this is the Gazette. Huh?

If you want some dope
on the Punjab Diamond,

go to Squid McGuffey's Café.

There's a guy named Dapper.



Hello? Hello? Hello?


You know what that was?

A hot tip
on the Punjab Diamond.

Boy, will Cameron
be tickled to get this.

"Go to Squid McGuffey's Café.

Ask for Dapper."

Hey, that's a scoop, fellas.

Now's our big chance.

You know, porcupine,
for a guy without brains,

you're a genius.
If we get this story,

the boss has gotta
give us a break.

Oh, boy, I'm a reporter.

Tear out the front page.
Stand by for a scoop.

Stop the presses.
Stop the presses.

Okay, kid.

Okay, you're a reporter,

but remember:
I'm the boss.

In the movies, the reporter
always talks back to the boss.

Now, listen,
you glass-eyed baboon,

I'm the best reporter
you've got,

and you know it.

You been shoving me around
long enough,

doing dirty work
for this paper,

but I ain't gonna
take it anymore.

I quit.
See? I quit.

And what are you
gonna do about it?

Get out of here.
Oh. Oh.

Say, you didn't by any chance
see that picture too?

No, chief.

I'll take orders, chief.


That's for absolutely nothing.

Hey, press badges.

That makes it official.

Now we're real reporters.

Okay, let's get
on the job, chief.

Say, you got
your press badge?

Okay, on the scoop.




Hello. Yes?
Yes? Yes? No. No.

Who was it?

Wrong number.

Get out of here.


I ought to slap on
a 10 cent cover charge

to keep out the riffraff.

What goes on?


Here you are,
Harold old boy.


Mind your manners,
there, Harold.

You're not in the jungles now,
you know.


Hawkins, what's that monkey
doing in here?

I brung him from Africa,
Mr. Squid.

A circus will pay
a pretty penny

for the likes of him,
they would.

Well, you better close
your deal tonight.

That killer ain't staying
in my place.

He ain't no killer.

He's just as gentle
as a little kitten.


Boy, what a dive.

I wonder which one
of these guys is Dapper.

Nobody looks dapper
in here.

We'll snoop around the joint
till we find him.

Anybody wants to turn back,
now is the time.

Oh, deserters, eh?

Come on, boys,
put on a bold front.

Act tough.

Hey, are you Dapper?

Are you?



Uh-uh. Glasses.

Yeah, you can't hit
a man with glasses.

Come on.

Oh. Here.

Pardon me, mister,

we're looking for a guy
called Dapper.

Never heard of him.
Who are you?

Now, he's in here

do you mind
if we look around?

No, help yourself.


Boss, them cops are heading
for the back room.

Don't lose your head.

Give Bea the high sign.


There's nobody home here.

Nobody home here, either.

Boy, was I mistaken.

Just a minute.
How dare you?

Take it easy, sister.

We're looking for a guy
named Dapper.

I never heard of him.

I'm all alone.

I mean,
we'll check on that.

Look everywhere, men.

Keep your mind
on your business.

You too.

Use a fine-toothed comb.

I haven't
got a comb.

Will a wire brush do?

Why, fine.

Oh. Oh.


Hey, fellas.
Hey, fellas, look.

"D," that stands for Dapper.

That's my
cigarette case.

Just a minute.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, boy, evidence.
Let's weigh it.

Let's smoke it.


Sister, you ain't
fooling nobody.

We're camping right here
till Dapper shows up.


He-- He thinks I'm lying.

Any half-wit can see
I'm telling the truth.

Yeah, I can see
you're telling the truth.

Oh, I feel so awful.

I've never been
in trouble before.

But why should you suspect me
of harboring a common criminal?

With oranges,
it's much harder.



She's fainted.

Fellas, help.
Do something.

Look out.

Get some water, quick.

What happened, kid?

She must have got
a good look at you.

Come on, sister.
Here's the water.

Oh, thanks.

How do you like that?

You all right, kid?

Oh, yes.

It's just that you
policemen frighten me so.


But we ain't cops, lady.
We're reporters.


Yeah, this is our
first assignment.

And your last.



Well, what gives?

Boys, meet the press.

These guys
ain't detectives,

they're reporters.

How fascinating.

Yeah, and this nitwit
swallowed the diamond.


That last mint was it.

Well, scoop,
are you gonna give it back,

or do we get
it the hard way?

Oh, boss,
let me finish him.

I love to rub out

Give me room, will you?
Give me room.

I'll give it to ya.


Holding out on us, huh?

Cough it up.
Cough it up.

Hold it.
Hold it.

Maybe you boys have some
influence with your friend.

I'll give you five minutes
to get that rock.

Five minutes or we'll
cut it out of him.

Wait a minute.
We'll handle this.

Give it to them,
you fool.

I would if I could,
but I can't.

You want 'em to slice you
up like a watermelon?

Let me try it again,
will you?

Go ahead.



Come on, you.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Wait a minute.

We ain't getting
no place.

He's just being stubborn.

I got a better idea.


Now you're getting smart.

Open your mouth.






Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Must be caught
on something.

Maybe it's his appendix.

We'll soon find out.

You got a longer
one of these things?


Wait a minute.

Not even a tonsil.

And now I'll try.

Gentlemen, I, uh-- I think
this calls for an operation.

No, no, not that.

Sorry, boys.

This way, right in there.

Thanks, darling.

You better wait outside.

This is no place
for a weak stomach.

I got a weak stomach.

All right, Muscles,
let's get to work.

The desk.

No, no, please,
cut it out.

"Cut it out."
That's just we're gonna.



Hey, they're killing him.

We gotta get out of here.

We're trapped like rats.

Speak for yourself.


Oh, boy. Where'd you
get the tools?

On the head.


A saw.

A turner-arounder.

We'll go out that way
and call the cops.

Get busy.


Now, now, just relax, sonny boy.

It'll all be over
in a minute.

Okay, out of the way.

Pardon me.

Get out of my way,
will ya?


We'll be safe
in a minute.

Struck a snag.

Hey, Moe, Moe.

How is it,
pretty tough?


Take over.

Come on, kid.

I think we can make it.

You go ahead.

I'll take a weapon.



You dummy, you.

I know.

Go on.
Do as you're told.



Moe, there's a--


There's a big thing.

Listen. Listen, you.

You afraid to go by yourself?

All right,
I'll take you by the hand--

Yeah, yeah.
--little boy.

Look, Moe,
you gotta listen to me.

Come on. How do you like
this guy? Too scared--



The rock should be around
here someplace.

It better be.



There it is.


Hey. Ain't you even gonna
put him to sleep?

You're gonna
get technical, eh?

In the closet.



Yeah, that's it.


Give me the whetstone.


Now, now, relax.

This isn't going
to hurt you at all.


Well, okay.



Come on. Come on.
Give it to me.

Hey, what--



Get away from me. I'll--
I'll let you have it.

Hey, Muscles,
get this beast off of me.







Hey, doc, how's about
talking this over?


Moe! Larry!
Oh, oh, Moe, Moe!

Hit the lock.
Hit the lock.

Hit the lock.
All right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That look like a lock?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.




Look out!



Come on, come on.

I got your message, boys.

Come on.
They're in there.

And they're murdering our pal.
What? Come on.

Dapper Malone.

Fifty carats.
What an ice cube.

The Punjab Diamond.

Great work.

Did you knock these
crooks out all by yourself?

That I did, boss.
That I did.

I helped.

My buddy.