Craig Ferguson: Just Being Honest (2015) - full transcript

In his second comedy special for EPIX, Craig Ferguson puts his sometimes cheeky, always irreverent spin on universal topics from sex and drugs to rock & roll-including his hilarious experiences with Mick Jagger and Kenny G.

[bagpipe music]

[upbeat rock music]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause intensify]

It's a great day for America,

[cheers and applause]


It's a great day for me.

I finally get to use my sign!

You'd be surprised
how many times in America

they're not that happy to see
that sign.

We've been touring.

They're like, "This is
Greensboro, North Carolina.


Who's smoking weed?
I can smell weed.

What the fuck?

Look, this is an intervention.
Actually, I'm not doing a show.

We're worried
about your weed use.

You got any weed up there
in the cheap seats?

Any weed going on up there?

[cheers and applause]

[Craig laughs]

I'm very happy to be here.
If you've ever seen me before,

first of all, I apologize--
no refunds.

And secondly,

you know what I like to do
every evening is tell a joke,

just one joke,
but a great joke--

the best joke in the world.

Yeah. No, that's true.
If you Google the--

[light applause]
- All right.

I want to encourage you.
No, the--


No, no, no, no.
I'm over it.

Anyway, look,
this is the number-one joke

in the English language,
this joke,

and the number-one joke
in the United States.

And if you know anything
about me,

you know I'm
a very patriotic American.

No irony, no bullshit,
very patriotic.

I start every show with
"It's a great day for America."

That's my thing.
That's my catch--

[cheers and applause]
Don't. No, it's all right.

It's my catchphrase--
"It's a great day for America."

I tried other catchphrases.

I tried,
"That sounded dirty."


Just kind of creep people out.

And then,
"See you in hell, amigos!"

And nobody could make any sense
of that one.

My own personal favorite--
"Fuck you, Dr. Phil!"


[laughter and applause]

None of them took off,
so it's a great day for America.

That's my thing that I say.

That's the one I'll be saying
for the rest of my life.

That's the one I'll be saying
when I'm doing ads

for local car dealerships.

Come on down to Toyotathon,
cheeky monkeys.

Look at these deals
in new and used models.

It's a great day for America.


That's the big blowy guy
out front.

I don't know.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

It's the big blowy guy
out front.

Did any of you see
the big blowy guy out front?

Hello. I think you know
what I'm saying.


It's not a great idea having
a catchphrase, to be honest,

if you do what I do,

because people get very angry
if you forget to say it.

I won't say where, but recently
in Greensboro, North Carolina,

I came out, and I forgot to say,
"It's a great day for America,"

and there was a gentleman
waiting for me

at the stage door.

And I'm not talking, like,
in Broadway,

where the gentleman has
a top hat and a scarf

and says, "Can I take you
to a supper club, young missy?"

I mean...


Ooh, here's hoping tonight.

But, no, I mean,
there was a guy waiting.

I think--I'm pretty sure
he was armed.

He was like, "Why didn't you say
it was a great day for America?"

I was like,
"I just forgot, man."

He's like, "You didn't forget.
I know what you're doing.

I seen Homeland."

It was like,
"No, man, I forgot."

People get mad at you
if you forget to say it,

and people get mad at you
if you say it.

There's always one every night,
if I come out and I'm like,

"Oh, it's a great day
for America," they'll be

somebody like, "Why is it
a great day for America, Craig?

My cat got shingles today."


"My cat, which is
coincidentally named America."


It's all right.
Cats can't get shingles.

It's just a joke.

I don't think they can get
shingles, anyway.

I don't know, I'm not a doctor,
just like Dr. Phil isn't.

[laughter and applause]

No, I don't know.

Shingles is--I mean, I wouldn't
wish shingles on a cat.

It's a terrible thing.

It is. If you've ever
had shingles, it's awful.

It sounds
like it'd be fabulous.

Like, "You wearing
your shingles to Gay Pride?"

"Fucking bet I am, bitch.

I'm gonna be covered in shingles
and smelling of weed."

But it's not like that
at all, shingles.

It's like, "Oh, God!
Aah, it's so painful, shingles.

I hope cats get this."


But people get mad at you
if you say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if
you don't say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if you do
what I do for a living.

They just get mad at you
if you just talk.

I think people are mad at me on
the way to the fucking theater.

I think people are offended

before they leave
the fucking house.

"You ready to go to the show?"

"Are you offended?"
"Fucking right, I am. Let's go."

So, if people get offended
at one of my shows,

I think, "What did you think
was gonna happen?

"What did you think
was gonna happen?

I mean, what"...

Anyway, what I'm saying is

people get offended
all the time.

Let me just apologize now,
do you know what I mean?

Let me just apolo--because
before this night is through,

I guarantee that each and every
one of you will be offended

by something that I say.

[cheers and applause]

Save your applause until
it's your turn, all right?

Not that I'm gonna offend you,
of course,

because I happen to believe what
everyone in this room believes.

Craig, that's crazy. You can't
believe what everyone believes.

I don't. I only believe what
everyone in this room believes.

Everyone who's not here is
a stupid asshole.

Am I right,
everybody in this room?

[cheers and applause]
- Yeah!

I'm not judging them.
I'm just being honest.

That's what you say, by the way,
if you want to say

the worst shit you can think of
and get away with it,

you just add to the sentence,

"I'm not judging.
I'm just being honest."

Then you can say what the fuck
you like.

It is carte blanche,

which is French for "white map."

It is white map.

It is white map to say
whatever you want.

I'm not judging.
I'm just being honest.

You can say what you like.

I'm not judging.
I'm just being honest.

But your mom
gives terrible blow jobs.


Is that too much already?
All right.

We'll bring it back a bit.

I'm not judging.
I'm just being honest.

Your mom gives great blow jobs.

You know, when people get
offended at one of my shows,

I think, "What the fuck
did you think was gonna happen?

I mean, really, you come to a
tumbledown shit pit like this"--

I'm not judging.
I'm just being honest.

"You come--

"you come to a beautiful theater
like this,

"stinking of weed,

"to see a creepy foreigner
that used to tell dirty jokes

"in the middle of the night
on free TV.

What the fuck did you think
was gonna happen?"

[cheers and applause]

See, I think--

I used to think that everybody
came to a comedy show

for a laugh,
and most people do, I think,

but there are some, there's
always some in every show

that are here for something
better than a laugh.

They're about here tonight,
I think.

They're here
for something better,

not for comedy,
for something ever more fun--

the exquisite pleasure
of righteous indignation.


Yes, that's not funny to me,

because I'm morally superior
to you.

But let me put it to you,
if everyone around you

is laughing
and you are not laughing,

perhaps you are not
morally superior.

Perhaps you're just
a miserable shit.

Not judging.

It's not that you're not allowed
to be offended.

Of course you are. You must
talk about what offends you.

That's what I do.
I talk about what offends me.

It's just that whatever,
you know, seems to offend

most people doesn't seem
to bother me at all.

I'm not offended by, you know,
what you believe.

I don't give a shit
what your belief system is.

I mean, you're wrong,
but I'm not offended by it.

I'm not offended if you think
that magic underpants

are gonna put God
in a good mood.

Good for you.

I'm not offended
if you think

the magic Scientology machine
will make you not gay.

Good for you.

Here's one.

I'm not offended if you think
the biscuit turns into Jesus.


Ooh, remember how excited
you were

about how offended
you were gonna be?

Wait a minute.

No, of course the biscuit
turns into Jesus.


Can I ask, when does the biscuit
turn into Jesus?

Is it on the way to your mouth
or does your saliva

activate the biscuit,
turning it into Jesus?

For example, could you go
to a supermarket,

open up a packet of biscuits,
and go...



Not judging.

No, none of that offends me.

I'm not offended
by your belief system.

Believe what you want.
I don't care.

You know what offends me is
those bastards that walk around

with shoes that look like feet.

Fuck those people!

Oh, my shoes look like feet.

Look at that!

My shoes, they look like--

It's like walking around
in your bare feet.

Oh, that's amazing.
That must be amazing.

What does that feel like?

You want to impress me, you have
feet that look like shoes.


That's a way to look smart
and save money at the same time.

Oh, my shoes look like feet.

You know the people
I'm talking about.

The bastards that play
Hacky Sack.

Hey, hey, hey!

That's another thing
that offends me--Hacky Sack.

That is not a sport.
That is not an activity.

It's stoner foot juggling.

My shoes look like feet.

Actually, I want to tell you

I'll get on with the show
in a minute.

I, um...

I'll be fine.
It'll all cut together.

I was in Scotland recently,

and I was in a toy store
with one of my kids.

I wasn't just hanging around
in a toy store.


Hey, how you doing?

Like my shoes?
They look like feet, don't they?


I kind of creeped myself out
there a little bit.

No, I was in a toy store
with one of my kids,

and I saw that--in Scotland--

and I saw that they have
Hacky Sack in Scotland now,

but they've changed the name
of it

to make it sound more Scottish

to market it
to a Scottish audience.

So it's not called Hacky Sack.

It's called,
and I'm not kidding, footbag.



They have sucked all the joy
and frivolity

out of the activity

and made it sound like
an unpleasant medical procedure.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to
have a footbag, Mr. Ferguson.

Come on, let's play footbag

with the amputated scrotum
of an Englishman.

Ah, footbag.

[laughter and applause]


Anyway, what I'm saying is
I don't like the people

with the shoes that look
like feet. I don't like that.

You know the people
I'm talking about?

The people that have got

for medical marijuana,
but they don't really need it.

It's like,
"Yeah, it's for my anxiety."

"I get really anxious
if I'm not high."

You know what? I don't want to
even smoke marijuana anymore.

I haven't smoke marijuana
in over 20 years,

but at least when I did,
it was illegal.

You fucking pussies!

You don't have the decency
to buy your recreational drugs

from a dangerous criminal
in a truck stop bathroom.

Fuck you people!

Oh, my shoes look like feet.

Ah, ah, ah.

I don't like that whole

"things are like other things"
way of life.

I don't like it.

You know, it's like,
my shoes look like feet.

Oh, this tofu
tastes like bacon.

No, it doesn't!
No, it doesn't!

It tastes like feet.

My shoes look like feet.
This tofu tastes like bacon.

This melon feels like a vagina.

Actually, that--that is true.


Perhaps I've said too much.

What can I tell you?
I was young. I was in love.

It was Paris.
It was springtime.

Melons were in season.

We saw each other
over the produce counter.

Here's a tip, by the way,
if you are going to try

the melon-vagina experiment.

Please, allow the melon to reach
room temperature first.


Don't just go straight to
the refrigerator and get busy.


Go out,
see a movie or something.

Get to know each other.

Don't just go at it
with a freezing-cold melon.

I think that's what happened
to Christopher Walken.


You know somebody's
gonna be angry now.

People get very angry usually
when you talk about

having sex with fruit.

Oh, come on, Craig,
that's disgusting.

It's not even comedy.
It's just disgusting.


Yes, it is.

If you are doing it correctly.

It's not even comedy.

My father used to say
the same thing

about music I liked
when I was a kid.

He was like,
"That's not even music, son.

That's just a noise."

I'd be like, "That's what
fucking music is, Dad.

It's a noise.

"Oh, that's not even music.
It's a noise."

'Cause I used to--'cause I loved
punk rock when I was a kid.

We all did.
It was like...

¶ Fuck you to the queen

¶ Fuck you to the queen,
fuck you to the... ¶

¶ Fuck you to the queen

¶ The queen,
ah, ah, ah, queen ¶

We were very angry
at the queen...


Which I think
must have confused the queen

a great deal at the time.

She'd be like, "What the fuck?

Why is everybody angry at me
all of a sudden?"

This is the queen
walking her dog.

Painting a word picture.

No, we were very angry at
the queen. I can't remember why.

We were young
and therefore stupid.

That's right, young people,
I called you stupid.

Tell me how offended you are
on Instagram.


That's how you little fuckers
deal with confrontation now,

isn't it?

"Oh, yeah?
Well, guess what.

"I've got some things to say to
you, and this is gonna be bad.

Aah!" Send.

Anyway, my dad used to hate
the music,

'cause I loved punk rock,
and my dad hated it.

He was like, "That's not even
music, son. It's just a noise."

I'd be like, "Dad, that's what
music is. It's a noise."

For example, I don't
particularly enjoy

the saxophone stylings
of Kenny G, all right?

I understand
this is risky material.

Stay with me.

I don't--I don't care
for Kenny G.

I'm not into it.
I don't like all that...

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do


¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

But I admit, it's music.

It's just music
that I don't want to hear.

And it's very difficult to
avoid. It's fucking everywhere.

It's in the hotel lobbies.
It's in the elevators.

It's the hold music for
the hard-core gay chat lines.

It's everywhere!

What do you want?
Melons, please.

Hold on.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

You know, I didn't know
that Kenny G was a real person

for the longest time.

I thought it was just
a computer program

that helped you relax...

'cause it's been proven
by science.

It's been proven that
the sound of Kenny G, that..

¶ Fadoodle doodle

That physically has an effect
on you.

That physically relaxes
your muscles.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

Feel what's happening
in your buttocks right now.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

¶ Do do do-do do

If I keep doing this,
you'll shit yourself.


Some of you may be ahead
of the curve, I don't know.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

I didn't think Kenny G was
a real person until I met him.

Shut up, Craig.
You did not.

You fucking shut up.
I did.

I did.
There was a big Hollywood party,

and there was some kind of
a mix-up, 'cause I was invited.

So I went, and...

Kenny G was the entertainment.

But it was the most amazing,
like, type of performance

I'd ever seen in my life.

It wasn't like,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny G,"

and he came down the stairs.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

He didn't do that.

He was just walking around
the party fadoodling.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

¶ Fadoodle do

You'd be talking to someone,
and he would be like,

"I think I can hear Kenny--
Oh, Kenny G!"

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

He was like Mr. Tumnus with his
little hooves and his flute.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

It was the most amazing style
of performance

I'd ever seen in my life.

It was like he was there,
but he was not there.

Like he was in the room,
but he wasn't in the room.

It was like you had
to believe in him,

or your couldn't see him!


And then I figured out
what the G stands for.


That's right.
His full name is Kenneth God.

That's right. After you die,
that's what you hear.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

For eternity.

See, that's what proves
that all artistic criticism

is subjective
and has no factual value,

because for people who love
Kenny G, that'd be Heaven.

For people who hate Kenny G,
it'd be hell.

You know, for example,
if I die and I hear...

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

I'll be like, "Oh, shit.

I totally misread that."

But people who love Kenny G,
they'd be like...

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

"Oh, it's all been worth it."

¶ Fadoodle do

"And the biscuit
does turn into Jesus?"

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

Some people love--
You know who loves Kenny G...

I was like, "That's weird."

And then,
"No, it kind of makes sense."

Is Bill Clinton loves Kenny G.

But--No, he does, but it makes
sense, 'cause you think,

well, Bill Clinton's
a saxophone player

and Kenny G's a saxophone
player, and then, of course,

the seductive properties
of the saxophone.

You know, like...

[imitating Bill Clinton]
¶ Fadoodle do

¶ Fadoodle doodle do

¶ Fadoodle, mm, uh


"Baby, I can play your cooter
like Kenny plays the tooter.


¶ Fadoodle, mm, uh

¶ Fadoodle, mm


I fully understand that 50%
of the men in this room

have no fucking idea
what I'm doing right now.

Like, "What the hell is he doing
that fadoodling?

That some kind of European shit?
What is that?

Fadoodle doodling."

Of course, the real tragedy is
about 10% of the women

have no idea
what I'm doing either.

"What is he doing?

"Why do I like that so much?

I just shit myself."


No, anyway, what I'm saying is
Kenny G's performance--


Made myself laugh.
That's good.

Kenny G's performance
was amazing.

It was like he was there,
but he was not there.

I'd never seen
anything like it.

I think Kenny G
could have sex with you

and you wouldn't even know.

Am I moving too fast
for you, son?

I'm one guy.

Oh, Jesus,
it's a middle-aged white guy

moving slowly
from side to side.

You would be the worst
prisoner of war guard ever.

[German accent]
Vhere did zey go?

I don't know.
Zey were moving.


[normal voice]
What I'm saying is Kenny G
could have sex with you

and you wouldn't even know
Kenny G.

He's that good.

You're just standing and talking
to someone at the party,

like, "Mm-hmm, yes."
Then it's like...

"I think I've just been surprise

And you turn around,
and Kenny'd be walking away.

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

¶ Fadoodle do-do-do


Oh, is that the edge? Have we
found the edge, New York?

No, Craig! No, please!

Don't pretend to smell
a pretend smell off your finger!



[cheers and applause]



Anyway, much as I hate the music
of Kenny G, and I do,

I much prefer it to the shit
that kids are listening to now,

all that kind of...

¶ Whoa oh oh

¶ Ooh ahh ahh

¶ The lights...

¶ There's lights ¶

¶ Lights

¶ The lights

¶ Yeah

What the fuck is that?

That's not music.
That's just a noise.

And then this, the dancing,

¶ Ah ah-ah ah ah-ah ah-ah
ah-ah-ah ¶

The twerking, the...
¶ Ah ah-ah-ah

That's not a dance.
That's not erotic.

That's like when the dog
has worms,

and he's trying to wipe his ass
on the carpet.

¶ Ah ah-ah-ah

What's wrong with Miley?

The poor kid's got worms,
wiping her ass on the carpet.

I don't like the way
the dog holds eye contact

when he's doing that.

Ah. Oh.

Yeah, rou rike rat,
don't you?

Now, look, I am fully aware

that attacking the music
of young people

makes me an old geezer.

And it's true.
I fucking am.

I'm 52 years old. 52.

[cheers and applause]
- Stop! Don't. Don't. Do not.

That is very rude.

When somebody says their age,
you go, "Oh, 52, still alive.

"Look at you walking around.

Did he shit his pants?"
Only a little bit.


I'm a member of the AARP.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be.
They just make you a member.

You turn 50, you are in.

I'm like, "No, no, thanks.
I don't want to be."

They're like, "Yeah, you're in.
Come on. Come on."

Actually, it starts
when you're 49 1/2.

You come out in the mornings,

and you see on your driveway
little tennis ball marks.

They've been there
during the night.



One of us.
One of us.


Nothing against the AARP.
They're a fine organization.

They do a lot of good work
for charity.

I just don't want to be
in your club.

I don't want to be
in anybody's club.

I particularly don't want to be
in your club

when the only requirement
for membership

is starting to look
like your own scrotum.

Did you ever see me
in that late-night show and go,

"I wonder what his balls
look like"?


Maybe a bit down on that side,
but for the most part...

It's true.

For my next
driver's license photograph,

I can just stick a camera down
my pants,

photograph my scrotum,
and put it on the license.

And then when the cops pull me
over, they'll be like,

"Hey, wait a minute. This was
taken a while ago, wasn't it?"


I look at myself in the mirror
sometimes, I'm like,

"Why are my balls wearing a tie?
Oh, no."


I have to shave
like I shave down there now...

very carefully.

I have to spread the skin
and go like that

and spread the skin
and go like that.

Do not judge me!

I have to shave there
because of all the gray hair.

If I don't, it looks like
two prunes lost in the fog.


Actually, maybe not.

Maybe it looks like one little
prune is lost,

and a big prune is helping him
through the fog.


I'm scared, mister.

I'll get you there, son.
Don't worry.

Anyway, I've thought of a way
of combating the aging process.

It's a fantastic idea.

I'm surprised no one's thought
of it before.

I'm gonna get a great deal
of plastic surgery.



Yes, I am.
I'm gonna get it.

People usually get very angry.

"No! We don't really mean it.
We think you should."

People usually get very angry

when you say you're gonna get
plastic surgery.

They're like,
"Oh, come on, Craig.

"How can you be so vain?

How can you be so vain
to get plastic surgery?"

I'm like, "I'm not vain.
I just want to look good."

You don't go up to somebody
who's had a haircut and go,

"How can you get your hair cut?
You're so vain.

"Did you buy new pants?

You are so vain.
I can't believe you."

Actually, that's not true.

I get a bit of that
when I go back to Scotland.

They're like, "Oh, aye,
here he comes now--

Mr. 36 Teeth."


Everybody wants to look good.

The only people that genuinely
don't give a shit

about how they look
are, paradoxically, nudists.


Which is weird, but they don't.

They're like, "Ah, fuck it,
let's play volleyball.

"Ha ha! Yeah!

Come on, let's grill
some sausages."

I went to a nude beach once
in Portugal. It was fan--

Well, I went--

I was 23 years old.

I was on vacation in Portugal,

and I saw this sign
for a nude beach

that said "nude beach"
in Portuguese,

but I read Portuguese, so...



Thanks, gullible stoner
in the second row.


Yeah, I'm high,
and I'm also Portuguese.


Well, you'll know what
the sign said, then.

It said, "nudo beacho."

Are you also a nudist?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

'Cause I just like the idea
of you sitting there

as a Portuguese nudist,
and I said,

"Everybody's gonna be offended."

And you thought to yourself,
"Not me, my friend."

Anyway, I went
to this nude beach,

'cause I thought
it'd be fantastic.

I thought, well, it'll be full
of beautiful, young Portuguese

and Spanish and French women
all saying,

"Craig, help us
put suntan lotion on.

Use your thumb, Craig.
Do anything."

But there are no beautiful,
young people

on the naked beaches of Europe.

Save your vacation dollar.

There's only Germans...


Overweight Germans
of indeterminate gender.

You can't tell--Even when
the volleyball starts,

you're like, "Oh, oh, nope.

Could go either way.
I don't know."

Germans walking up and down...

[German accent]
"Mm, I love to feel the sun
on my pleasure organs."


"Oh, look, a shell."

[normal voice]
There's your first-row
ticket price right there, lady.

You know, people say to me,

"Craig, why do you always use
a German accent

to imply sexual perversion?"

Well, there's
two reasons, really.

One, come on, and...

Nah, it's a ridiculous

I know it is, but it's just
because of something

that happened to me
at a pivotal age.

I was, like--
Actually, it's a New York story.

It's the first time--
I met a German person

the first time I came
to New York as an adult.

It was 1983,

and it was the first time
I had come here unsupervised.

1983, a flight from Glasgow
to Newark, New Jersey.

And there I took a bus.
I didn't have much money.

Took a bus from Newark
right into 42nd Street

Port Authority Bus Station.

And I was so excited.
It was fantastic.

It was like,
"Oh, I'm so happy to be in...

"¶ New York

"¶ New York, New York

"¶ Who will be my friend?

¶ This is so exciting "

I had a little sailor outfit
and everything.

Now, this is Manhattan in 1983.

Now it's different.

Now it's like
fucking Disneyland.

You guys
will all be fine tonight.

You'll be able to get home.
Nobody'll kill ya, maybe, but...


Nobody's looking at any danger
on the way home,

but in 1983, it wasn't like
Disneyland around here.

It was like fucking
Game of Thrones out there.

[laughter and applause]

It's very different.


Ha ha!

It was wild, and I got out--

I was 19. I got out
at Port Authority Bus Station,

I was out, and it was, like,
42nd Street 1983

all the way down one side,
all the way down the other side,

peep shows.

That's all there were,
peep shows.

I didn't know what they were,
'cause we didn't have peep shows

in Scotland.

It's illegal
to even think about peeping.

I didn't know what they were.

I thought they might be
something dirty,

because they had this, you know,
the kind of silhouette

of the lady outside, like that.

I thought, "Ooh,
it's either something dirty,

"or it's where truckers go
to get their mud flaps.

Either way, I'm in."

So I thought,
"I'll go to this peep show."

So I run up
to the first peep show,

and there's a guy sitting
on a stool outside of it.

He's got one arm, and his sleeve
is taped to his jacket.

He's got an eye patch
and a parrot and a hook and--

And he's like, "Ah!"

It was like, "Hey, mister,
I want to go to the peep show."

I had the hat with the little
propeller on it and everything.


Now, let me explain.

If you don't understand
what a peep show is--

Some of you are too young to
understand what a peep show is.

Let me explain.

A peep show--
before the Internet,

people had to forage
for their porn.

Back then, perverts
were hunter-gatherers,

going from place to place.

A peep show--
it was amazing.

You're in this peep show, and
you put a quarter into a slot,

and a little letter box,
a little kind of mail thing,

mailbox thing opened up,
and inside was a room,

and this room was an angry,
middle-aged lady

in her underwear,
smoking a cigarette,

saying, "What the fuck
you looking at?"

Then is slipped down again.

It was the most erotic thing
I'd ever seen in my life!

I, like, put all my money in.


Anyway, that's not
the German thing.

What happened was I was--

I was in there,
and I ran out of quarters,

and I thought, "I'm gonna
have to make friends here.

I can't stay here all day,
much as I want to."

So I started to panic,
'cause I thought,

"I don't know how to make
friends in this town."

Then I thought, "Well, do what
you would do in Glasgow.

"Glasgow's a working-class town.
I'm a working-class man.

"What would you do in Glasgow
to meet people?

I'd go to a workingman's bar."

So I looked down 42nd Street
in 1983 for a workingman's bar,

and I see one.

I can tell it's a workingman's
bar, cops are going in there.

Construction workers
are going in there.

Some Native Americans
are going in there.

I didn't even know there were
tribes left in Manhattan.

This is great.

And I went in this bar. It was
very dark, and it was all guys.

I thought,
"Well, where are the women at?"

And then I looked over, and all
the women were over there.

I said, "Good evening, ladies."
They're like...

[deep voice]
"Hey, what's up?"

And then--

I was like,
"Oh, it's a gay bar.

"All right, well, okay,

"I'll just finish my drink,
which I'm about to order,

and then I'll leave."

I was wearing my sailor outfit.
I looked great.

I was sitting up at the bar,

and this guy came up to me,
and he said...

[German accent]

I said, "Hello."

He said, "I am German."

I said, "I know.
I can tell from your hat."

'Cause he was wearing,
and I'm not kidding,

a leather hat
with a spike coming out of it.

I was like, "Too soon, girl."


So he said,
"Can I ask you something?"

And I said, "Sure," and then
he said the dirtiest thing

I've ever heard in my life,
before or since.

Now, don't get mad at me,

'cause this is what
he actually said, right?

I'm just reporting.

He said--he said, and I quote,

"Can I ask you something?"
I said, "Yes."

He said, "Can I kiss you
where it stinks,

und I don't mean Cleveland."

And I was like...


Who's Cleveland?"

Anyway, he's a lovely man.

We still keep in touch,
but that's why--

Christmas cards and stuff.

That's why I think
of the German thing.

That's not the point. I was
talking about plastic surgery.

And I'm gonna get a lot of it.

Now, the thing is,
about plastic surgery is,

you have to get good
plastic surgery,

'cause if you get bad
plastic surgery,

you look like the dog with
his head out the car window.

You have to have
good plastic surgery.

Now, I live in Los Angeles,

which has a lot
of plastic surgeons,

but not very many of them
are any good, and these guys--

There's only about four of them,
I think, that are any good.

And they're not just doctors.
They're like sculptors.

They have a style.
They have a look.

So what happens is that people
start looking similar.

People start looking related.

I'm telling you,
you go to Beverly Hills

at any time of the day,

it looks like there's only
four families that live there.

And people start looking related
from different ethnic groups.

They look like they could--
I mean, it's amazing.

I'm like, "Wow."
I've seen this with my own eyes.

Cher and Bruce Jenner
could be sisters.

[audience groans]

Anyway, I thought it was just
a Hollywood rumor,

'cause I hear
all these Hollywood rumors,

and they're usually bullshit,
you know.

I mean, 'cause I meet these
people, and I go,

"Oh, that's bullshit."

Like, the rumor that I'd heard
for years--

For years, I'd heard the rumor
about Richard Gere,

the actor, Richard Gere.

Did you ever hear that rumor?

I mean, this predates
the Internet, this rumor.

Yeah, I think it was a German
guy in a bar in New York

told me this.

For years,
this rumor was going around

that apparently,
for sexual pleasure,

Richard Gere put a gerbil
or a hamster in his ass,

you know, for sex--
for his sexual pleasure,

not the--I don't think the
rodent gets anything out of it.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!




No, this is the rumor

that apparently
the actor Richard Gere

would put this stuff--
And I never questioned it.

I just went,
"Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, gosh, people are so strange,
aren't they?"

And then I meet the actor
Richard Gere,

and it's in my fucking head
when I'm shaking the man's hand.

I'm thinking, "I wonder
if he has a rodent--

No! Of course he doesn't have
a rodent in his ass!"

I'm talking to this guy.
I don't even think he has a pet.


At least I didn't see one.

Come to think of it,
I might have heard...

[high-pitched voice]
"Help me.

Send cheese."

I'll tell you what does happen
in Hollywood,

if you're there for any length
of time, though.

What happened to me--
a very strange thing,

is that you will eventually
meet someone

who was a hero to you
when you were a child,

and that is very, very strange.

Now, it happened to me
just very early on.

I'd only been there
about 18 months,

and I was working
on The Drew Carey Show.

You guys remember
The Drew Carey Show?

[cheers and applause]
- Right.

The Drew Carey Show,
if you remember,

it was basically--
you know, most of the time

it was just Drew
and Kathy Kinney,

the actress who played Mimi,
and they would, you know,

fight each other, and I played
the English boss, Mr. Wick.

And I'd come in and go,
"Carey, you're fired,"

once a week, and then--
then I'd go to my trailer

and play with fruit...


For a week.

So I was bored. They were
nice people, but I was bored.

So what I did in order
to pass the time--

We made The Drew Carey Show on
the Warner Brothers Studio lot,

which is a huge studio lot.
They make everything there.

You know, movies and TV shows,

So what I did was I started
reading the screenplays,

the scripts to movies that were
in production at the time.

You know, just to pass the time.
This is about 18 years ago.

And it was a very interesting
point, I read a screenplay

to a movie called Twister.

You guys remember
that movie Twister,

about the tornado and the cows,
like, "Ooh, tornado"?

Well, it was very interesting
'cause the script was rubbish,

but the movie was shit.


So I thought, "Well, that's what
I'll do to pass the time.

"I'll write screenplays.

"I don't know if I can write
any better than this

"but it's
scientifically impossible

to write anything worse."

So I wrote some screenplays,
and they did okay,

and we made them into movies,

and one of the movies
did really well,

And this is where
you meet your hero thing.

There was a movie I did called
Saving Grace,

and it did very well.

Good movie, did well, we won
the Sundance Film Festival.

It made a little money.

And after it had been in
the theaters for about a month,

I got a phone call from a lovely
upper-class Englishwoman,

who said,
"Hello, my name's Victoria."

And I was like, ooh, half chub.


I've always had a thing
for upper-class Englishwomen

They really do it for me.

I always enjoy doing to them
what their ancestors did

to my ancestors...

but with more kissing.

So this lovely woman said,
"Hello, my name's Victoria.

I loved your film
Saving Grace."

It was like,
"Thank you very much."

She said, "Yes, I run
Mick Jagger's film company."

Mick Jagger!
Yes, it's true.

Mick Jagger,
my hero when I was a kid.

I had an 8-foot poster of
Mick Jagger on my bedroom wall

for years, you know, the one
where he's like...

Mick Jagger!
It was like, "What?"

She said,
"Yes, Mick loved your film too."

I was like, "Oh, that's great."
She went, "Yes.

"Actually, Mick's had an idea
for a movie,

"and he thinks you might be
the right person

"to write the screenplay.

He was wondering,
may he call you?"

I said...


Yes, he may call me."

This is all true, I swear.

So we set the time up,
and a couple days later,

I'm waiting by the phone.
I'm nervous, and I'm kind of--

And Mick Jagger
called me himself.

And that's not easy for him
to do with the little hands,

but he did it.

And I tried to break the ice
with a joke.

It was a stupid thing to say,
but I said,

"Hello, Mick. Victoria tells me
you're a singer."


And he kind of went...

I was like,
"Oh, I'm blowing it already."

And then he said,

"All right, well, I've had
an idea for a film."

I was like, "Oh, what?"

And he went, "Well, here's
my idea, all right?"

I was like, "Okay."

I think he was doing that.
I could sort of hear it.

He went, "Yeah, I've got an idea
for a film, here it is.

"What it is,
is it's about a rock star

"and a roadie.

"And what happens is,
for some reason,

"they have to swap places,

and then they have
an adventure."

I was like, "Go on."

And he did. He went on,
and he described the story,

which as I was listening to it,
I realized that

he was saying beat for beat,
almost word for word,

the story
of The Prince and the Pauper,

written by Mark Twain
about 150 years previously.

What the fuck am I gonna say?

It's Mick Jagger,
my childhood hero.

What am I gonna say?

Look, if Sean Connery
calls me up and says,

"Craig, I've got an idea
for a film.

"It's called Treasure Island.

"It's about a pirate called
Long Sean Connery.

He's got a parrot and shit."

I'd be like,
"Great idea, Sean Connery.

How did you come up with that?"

"Well, I was just watching
a movie, and it came to me."

Anyway, so Mick Jagger--
This is true.

Mick Jagger's talking
about his movie idea,

and I pitch
a couple of ideas in.

And he says--I'm not kidding.
This really happened.

He goes, "Actually, I think you
are the right person

"to write the screenplay.

"Can you meet me next Wednesday
and we'll get started?

"You know, we'll spitball
and get ideas going and stuff

and get going."

I was like, "Yes."
He went, "All right.

Victoria will set it up,"
and he hangs up.

Now, this is about 17 years ago.

It's not easy for him
to do that either.

And it's about 17 years ago,
and The Rolling Stones

at the time are on
the Bridges to Babylon tour.

It's a big, giant world tour.

They're going all over
the place, and I find out,

next Wednesday they're gonna be
in Istanbul, Turkey.

I can't go
to Istanbul, Turkey.

I've got to walk onstage
in Burbank

and say, "Carey, you're fired,"
and then go fuck a melon.

I've got a job!


But I go to see Drew, because
Drew Carey was my boss then.

He's my friend now.
We've been friends for 20 years.

He's a beautiful human being.

I love Drew
very, very much indeed.

To be honest, I preferred it
when he was fat and unhappy,

but what are you gonna do?


anyway, I go and see Drew,
and Drew's great.

And I tell him
about Mick Jagger,

and he's like, "Fuck, are you
kidding me, man?

"Take the week off.
Go to Istanbul, Turkey.

Meet Mick Jagger."

I'm like, "Right, buddy,
I will."

And just as I'm leaving--and you
can check on the Internet

to prove it's true--

Joe Walsh,
the guitarist with The Eagles,

was doing some comedy bits

on The Drew Carey Show
at the time.

And Joe Walsh
is an amazing rock star.

He's a fantastic guitarist.

¶ Hotel California


He's an amazing guy, charming
gentleman, lovely person,

but he had a very big 1980s.


And the whole period has left
him a little bit

"Jim from Taxi."


So Joe hears
that I'm gonna meet Mick Jagger,

and he says,
"Say hi to Mick for me."

I said, "Do you know him?"

He said, "I think so."

I was like, "You think so?"

He said, "I think I partied
with him in the '80s,

but I may just have
seen him on TV."

I was like,
"All right, whatever."

So I head off
to Istanbul, Turkey.

It's a very long way
from Los Angeles, Istanbul.

First, a 12-hour flight
to London,

and I'm sitting in coach--
it was a long flight.

It was bumpy,
and the kid's behind me, "Aah."

And I was all tweaked
and nervous.

The it's a 4-hour layover
in Heathrow in London.

Very difficult
to change planes in London

because the English
are fucking bastards!

And then I get
on a smaller plane,

a smaller plane
to go to Istanbul.

It's another four hours.

And the kid's behind me,
and it's turbulent,

and the chickens are falling
out of the overhead luggage.

Then I get to--
I haven't slept in 24 hours.

I'm tweaked, and I'm nervous,
and I'm all kind of--

And I get to Istanbul at night,
and I come out of the airport,

and it's unbelievable,
it's amazing.

The minarets and the towers
and the...


'Cause The Lion King was
in Istanbul at the time.

And I jump in a cab,
and the taxi driver says,

[Transylvanian accent]
"Where do you want to go?"

[normal voice]
Because Dracula
was driving a cab!


[Transylvanian accent]
I want to take you

to your destination.


[normal voice]
And I said, "Take me to"--

The Rolling Stones were staying,
and I'm not kidding--

They were staying
at the Istanbul Hilton.

The good one,
not the one by the airport.


This is all true.

So I get
to the Istanbul Hilton.

I tipped Dracula.
He's like, "Thank you."

And then I go into the reception
of the hotel,

and Big Jim Sullivan, head
of Rolling Stones' security

at the time,
lovely, big cockney gent,

he's like, "You the bloke
who's here to see Mick?"

I went, "Yeah." He went,
"Yeah, he's waiting for you.

"He's in the penthouse suite.
Go into the elevator,

press PH, and it'll take you
up to the penthouse suite."

I was like,
"All right, all right."

So I get in the elevator, and
I press PH, and the doors close.

And I'm like,

¶ Fadoodle doodle do do do

¶ Fadoodle doodle do


¶ Fadoodle do

And the doors open,
and I'm on the penthouse floor,

and I knock on the door
to the penthouse suite,

and the door is answered
by Mick Jagger himself.

And that's not easy for him
to do with the little hands,

but he did it.

And my world
went into freefall.

I was like, "Wha-- Wha--"

Because in my bedroom
and in my mind,

the guy's 8 foot tall.

He's a huge giant--
8 foot, ah, like that.

I never questioned it.
I never thought--

I thought he would be
at least this height.

He's not.
He's a tiny, little man. Tiny!

So I was like, "Aah!"

I was like, "Don't say anything!
Don't say anything!

"Don't say anything!
Don't say anything!

Don't say anything!
Don't say anything!"

And then I said something.

I shouldn't have said it.
I couldn't help myself.

I couldn't help myself.

I said it.
I wish I hadn't said it.

But I said,
"Oh, you're adorable."


And he went, "Yeah, come in.
Come on."

So I go into the penthouse suite
of the Istanbul Hilton--

I swear this is true--and
I start talking to Mick Jagger

about the movie
we're gonna make together.

I'm thinking,
"This is really happening.

I didn't take acid.
It's really happening."

And we talked
for a little while,

and then it got
a little awkward,

because he said, "Actually,
I'm a little bit hungry.

Are you hungry, Craig?"

I was like,
"Yes, I am hungry, Mick Jagger."

He was like, "All right,
I'll call room service,

which is not easy for me to do
with my little hands."


I'm such a dick.
I'm sorry.

So, you know,
he calls room service.

Now, the room service guy's

got the little panel
in front of him,

and the room service guy
knows who it is calling.

I can hear him freaking out.

He's like...

[Indian accent]
"Oh, my God, I am so totally
freaking out right now."

[normal voice]
Now, to be fair,
he was an Indian guy

that had moved to Istanbul
with his boyfriend, Dracula,

and they were trying
to make their way--

Look, it's a different story
for a different night.

So Mick's on the phone,
and it got really awkward,

'cause he's looking at the room
service menu, and he said,

"Yeah, I'd like to order a"--
This is what he said.

He said, "I'd like to order
a quesa-dilla, please."

And I was like, "Ah--"


"Would you like
a quesa-dilla, Craig?"

I was like, "Quesa-dilla sounds
lovely, Mick, thank you."

"All right, two quesa-dillas
and a chocolate Yoo-hoo?

"Two chocolate Yoo-hoos
and a Butterfinger?

Oh, just one Butterfinger.
All right, we can share."

And he hung up,
which is not easy.

And then 20 minutes later,

the entire staff of the hotel
and Dracula

came in
with the room-service order.

They laid it out,
and Mick was very nice.

He did the photographs
and the autographs with them

and all that,
and they went away,

and then I had my quesa-dilla,

'cause that's
what I call them now.

I had my--
Mick had his.




Like that. Like something
out of Richard Gere's ass!


No, that's too much.

It wasn't like that at all.
I'm sorry I said that.

That's too--Forget that.
We'll cut that out.



So, anyway, we're having
our quesa-dillas,

and then we continue to talk
about the idea that Mick had

that Mark Twain had
150 years before him.

And then--
and this really happened.

After a few hours, he goes,
"Oh, we'll have to stop now."

And I was like, "All right."

And he went, "No, it's just that
I have to go to a party."

I was like, "Okay."

And then he said,
"Do you want to come?"

And I said, "Yes, Mick Jagger of
The fucking Rolling Stones"...


"I will go
to a party with you."

He went,
"All right, then, come on!"

So we get in his car,
and we drive to the party,

Well, someone drives us.

Mick can't drive, you know,
with the little hands.

So we get to the party.

And the party is being held at,
I'm not kidding,

the British Consulate
in Istanbul,

The British Embassy
in Istanbul,

and they're throwing a reception
for The Rolling Stones,

'cause they're proud of them.

And the British Embassy,
of course,

is guarded by the British Army.

And the British Army is the same
as any other army in the world.

The U.S. Army, French, German,

every army in the world
shares one rule,

which is nobody fucking tells
anybody anything ever,

particularly if it would avoid

So the soldiers have been told

that someone famous
is coming to a party.

They have not been told
who it is.

So we get to the party,
and I get out of the car first.

And the first person to see us

is a big staff sergeant
from Glasgow in Scotland,

and he recognizes me
from local television.

[cheers and applause]

Swear to God.

And he says--he says,

"Bloody hell. Craig Ferguson,
what are you doing here?"

And Mick Jagger is standing
right fucking there.

And here's the thing...

Mick did not handle it well.

He was like, "What's going on?
That is so rude."

And I can understand.

I mean, he's not used
to that kind of thing.

He's always the most famous guy
in the room, always.

If Mick Jagger walks into a bar
with the Pope,

the bartender would be like,
"Hello, Mick.

Who's your friend
with the big hat?"

He's always the most famous guy.

That band became famous in 1962,

the year I was born,

when dinosaurs ruled the Earth!

Actually, that's probably
where he got that, "Ahh."

So he was really mad.

He was like, "That is so rude.
I'm so annoyed."


I was like, "Let it go, man."

He was like,
"I will not let it go."

"I will not let it go."

He started Riverdancing.

"I will not let it go."

98% of this story is true.

No, he wouldn't let it go.
He was really annoyed.

And then I said something
I really shouldn't have said.

I was like,
"Oh, let it go, man."

He was like,
"No, I will not let it go."

I was like, "Stop being
such a fucking queen."

Anyway, we didn't make
the movie.


But that's not--I'm kind of
painting it like he's a dick.

And he's not a dick. He's fine.
He's all right.

We actually tried to make
the movie for a while.

We tried for about a year.

I was, you know,
working in Burbank,

and then I was on tour
with The Rolling Stones.

It was very strange.

And, you know, I would write
pages of the script,

and I'd give 'em to Mick,
and he would read them,

and he would always
give me them back,

and he would always have
the same note,

which is,
"Can it be darker?

It has to be darker, you know,
more edgy, dark, more edgy."

And I'd try and make it darker
and more edgy

and give it back to him,
and he'd go,

"No, darker, more edgy."

I'm like, "How dark and edgy
can it be, man?

It's the fucking
Prince and the Pauper."

He was like,
"No, darker, more edgy.

And I'm typing,
and darker, more edgy.

Eventually I went
to the Mark Twain story,

just started typing
the fucker out, you know.

This guy's a better writer
than anyone else, anyway.

Let's do this.

But he kept saying it--

"Darker, more edgy.
Darker, more edgy."

So eventually I went too far.

I made his character a serial
killer with Tourette's syndrome.


And he fired me.

But even as he's firing me,
I'm thinking,

"Getting fired
by Mick Jagger...

I'm on my way."

But here's the thing.


Because I was with them
for about a year,

I got to know how that band
works pretty well,

and I was surprised by what
I found out, 'cause I was--

Like everybody else, I think,

I thought The Rolling Stones
was, you know,

it was Mick Jagger
and Keith Richards' band,

or maybe it was Mick Jagger's
band, but it's not.

It's Keith Richards' band.
Keith Richards runs that shit.

Mick Jagger is the singer
in Keith Richards' band.

People think Keith Richards
is some out-of-control junkie.

And there's an element of truth
to that, but...

But he's tough, Keith Richards,
as well.

He's a very tough guy.
He's south London.

He's like, "What the fuck?
I'll fuck you up, all right?"


"Fuck you, man."

He's fucking tough.

He's like Jason Statham
in drag or something.

He's like, "Fucking--"

He's tough,
and people are scared of him.

And and he runs that outfit.

You can check. This is true.
This happened when I was there.

Keith Richards put Ronnie Wood
into rehab.

He made Ronnie go into rehab.

How bad
is your problem, though,

if you have to walk
into a rehab center and say,

"Keith Richards thinks
I might be an alcoholic."

Keith Richards said this?

"Yeah, he also thinks
I do too much heroin."

Keith Richards said this?

Quick, get in here, man.

But they're frightened of him.

Everyone's frightened of Keith
'cause he's so tough.

And I found this out,
'cause I was asking Mick--

What I wanted to do when I was
writing this screenplay

is I wanted to get on the stage

with The Rolling Stones
one night.

I was just gonna stand
next to Charlie's drum riser

and watch the audience.

I thought I could write it in
if I could see it.

And Mick was like, "Uh, no.

No, you can't go on the stage."
I was like, "Why not?"

He was like, "Keith don't like
people on the stage,

and I'm afraid of him."

I was like, "What?"

He went,
"Yeah, he could hurt me.

"He's very strong.

And I'm afraid of him."

I was like, "Oh, okay."

So I started asking the roadies
if they could sneak me onstage,

and all the roadies are like,

"No, we can't sneak you
on the stage. No, sorry, mate.

"Sorry, governor. No,
Mary Poppins, we couldn't do it.

"No, we can't get you
on the stage.

"No, we couldn't do it, sir,
because Keith would hurt us.

"He's very strong, you see, sir,
very strong.

"No, Oliver,
you can't have any more!

No! He's very, very strong.
He would kill us."

Everyone who works
for The Rolling Stones

used to be
in Monty Python, so...

But eventually one night
I made it happen.

We were in a beautiful town
in northern Spain,

a town called
Santiago del Compostela--

beautiful town,
and what I did

was I bribed the local Spanish
security guards

to let me get on the stage.

And I was up
next to Charlie's drum riser

looking at the 60,000 Spanish
rock fans.

It was amazing.
They're like...

[imitating crowd cheering]

Which is how Spanish people
express gratitude.

They go, "Ahh,"

which can be
a bit disconcerting

if you hold a door open
for someone in Madrid,

and they go, "Ahh."

Am I right, guy from Portugal?

[Transylvanian accent]
You know, he's right
about, "Ahh."

So I was
next to Charlie's drum riser,

and Charlie doesn't know
I'm there.

To be honest, Charlie
doesn't really know he's there.

Charlie had a big 1980s
as well

and '60s and '70s and '90s
and kind of now.

So Charlie's doing his thing
that he always does.

He's like...


¶ Gas, gas, gas

He's doing his thing,
and Mick is down in the front.

He's going...

And Keith's where he always is.
Keith's doing his thing.

He's like...

¶ Ooh, I'll fuck you up ¶


And he's smoking a cigarette,

and the smoke is
coming up like that.

And he's got cigarette on
the machine heads of his guitar

and the smoke's coming up
like that.

He's got a cigarette
coming out of his boot,

and the smoke's coming out
like that.

He's wearing a skull earring

and the skull
is smoking a cigarette.

Smoke is all around him.

He looks like Pigpen.

He's like...

And he's playing away,
and he turns around,

and, boom, he looks right at me
and locks eyes,

and I'm like, "Shit.

I'm gonna die."

And he doesn't break
eye contact.

He doesn't stop playing,

but he starts slowly moving
towards me.


And I can hear the roadies
on their headsets going,

"What the fuck is going on?
Keith is moving!

"Keith is moving!

Keith hasn't moved in 40 years!
What the fuck is going on?"

And he's getting closer and
closer, slowly across the stage.

He's like...

He's like a slow comet moving.

And he got right up close to me,
and I thought, "I'm gonna die."

And he got this close, and this
is exactly what happened.

He went, "Hello, mate."


So I went back in time

to my bedroom in Scotland
when I was a little boy,

I took down the poster
of Mick Jagger.

I put up the poster
of Keith Richards,

and I went, "That's the fucking
rock star in that band."

[cheers and applause]

It changed my Weltanschauung.

Anyway, the thing that's
freaking me out about all this--

Now, 'cause you really know
it's Keith's band.

I mean, I traveled around
in their jet.

They have a jet, but it's--
Of course they have a jet,

but it's not like
a little private jet.

They rent a 757
from the airlines.

And you can tell
it's Keith's band,

because Keith and all
his friends sit in first class,

and Mick has to sit in coach.

And I know that's true, 'cause
I was sitting next to him.

And he likes to pretend
it's his idea.

He's like, "Yeah, I like sitting
here because I can reach

"the table and the seat-back
in front of me...

"And enjoy..."

"Well, these are
very good sizes,

"these bottles, aren't they?

"This is a proper size. I don't
like these big, giant bottles.

"They frighten me, but these
bottles are just perfect

for my little hands
and my tiny, little mouth."


What's freaking me out is,
I thought,

"God, these guys are so old."

But now I am almost the age
that they were when I met them.

I'm like,
"What the fuck happened?"

One minute it's...

¶ Fuck the queen,
fuck you to the queen ¶

Next minute, some guy has
a finger in your ass.

A doctor. A doctor
has his finger in your ass.

I like my doctor.
He's a very good doctor.

He's only got one flaw,
in that he thinks he's funny,

which is not great.

I enjoy a joke
as much as anyone,

but there are times in life

when I believe levity
is inappropriate.

And I believe the prostate exam
is one of those times.

'Cause he's got a joke that he
likes to do when he's doing it.

I'm like, "Don't do that joke.
It's a horrible joke."

He's like,
"No, it's a great joke.

Everybody loves that joke." I'm
like, "Nobody likes the joke.

They put up with it
because you're a great doctor."

He's like, "Come on!"
This is his joke.

He gives you the prostate exam,
and he says,

"Say my name, bitch."

I'm like,
"It's not funny, man."

I don't think that's funny.

And I said to him last time
I got the exam, I was like,

"Don't say it, all right?
It kind of freaks me out."

He's like, "Okay,
I don't need to say it."

But I think
he does need to say it.

I think
it's a kind of OCD thing,

'cause he gave me the exam,
and he went...

"Say my name, bitch."

I'm like, "You know what?
It's worse if you whisper it!"

Anyway, it's not the prostate
exam that makes you old.

It's your attitude to it.
This is what I mean.

Like, the last time
I got the prostate exam,

he finished, and he said,
"Actually, I have to say, Craig,

for a man your age, you have
a very smooth prostate."

And this is how I know I'm old,
because I was proud.

I was, like, going up to girls
in the supermarket,


"I've got a smooth prostate.

Want to touch it?"

I do have a very smooth
prostate, though.

It's true, you part my butt
cheeks, you'll hear Kenny G.


¶ Fadoodle doodle do

No, when you turn 50, it's not
a finger anymore, it's a camera.

They put a camera in your ass.
I think the older you get,

the more things
the medical profession feels

they have to shove
into your ass.

Like, when you get to about 80,
they're like,

"We're just gonna drive up
in a little minivan,

"take a look around.

"Don't worry.
It'll be perfectly painless.

"It's gonna be midgets,
midgets will be inside the van,

"and they're gonna look around
with binoculars,

tiny, little binoculars."

No, they put a camera
in your ass.

I mean, it's a tiny, little
fiber-optic thing.

It's not like the old days,
you know, with the...

Look out, Hitler,
bad news coming your way.

No, it's a tiny, tiny,
little camera.

Tiny, little camera.

But it's kind of like--

It's not the camera
so much as the night before,

because in order for them
to look around your colon,

they have
to clean it out first.

So they give you what they call
the super laxative, right?

Yeah. It's not that super.

This is
a prescription laxative.

You can't just go
and buy this laxative.

You need a--And it's not just
a regular prescription either.

It's a prescription written
on a parchment by a monk.

It's written
with a big, feathery pen.

And then he writes it,
and then the prescription

is delivered to the pharmacy
by owl.

And then the pharmacist puts on
the big leather gloves

and goes to the back and opens
the giant circular door

and the dry ice goes like that,

and they take out
the super laxative

and they bring it towards you.

I was sitting with this laxative
on the kitchen table,

and my wife and kids
are watching me, going,

"Go on, then."

"When's daddy gonna 'splode'?"

And I took this thing,

and after about 45 minutes,
I was like, "Oh, shit!



"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, f..."


And then it stopped,
and I thought,

"Well, that wasn't so bad.

It was bad,
but it wasn't that bad."

Then at one hour, 15,
I was like...



It was like the fucking Matrix.

I was like...



[imitates whooshing]

It was like a mattress sale--
Everything must go!

Aah! Aah!

There was haggis in there
from 1974!


And then everything went white,

and I saw the spirit of the
great buffalo coming toward me.

Then I was back in it again.

[imitates whoosh]

And then it was over,
and I felt so clean.

I felt holy!

And I knew then that the biscuit
does turn into Jesus!

[cheers and applause]

And then I went to the doctor
the next day,

and they put a camera
in your bumby, but it's not--

It's an amazing piece
of equipment.

It's not just a camera.
It's a little thing.

They move it around,

and in order for it
to move around your bumby,

you know, they have
to puff up your colon

with a little air,
so it's goes...

[imitating air hissing]

And they move it, and it goes...
They move it...

[imitating air hissing]

Depending on the shape
of your colon, you know.

I mean, it could be...

[imitating air hissing]

But the thing is,
when they're finished

and they take the camera out,
there's a great deal of air left

in your colon.

And it's gonna come out,

and there's only one exit.


But here's the thing,
it's so clean in there,

you pass gas,
it smells sensational.

I mean, it's like a rich lady
walked into the room.

It was like...

[imitates flatulence]

Oprah? Is Oprah here?

And then because there's
a history of some cancers

in my family, they had
to actually knock me out

and give me
the throat camera first

and then the bumby camera.

I fucking hope they did
the throat camera first.


Nah, I think, legally,
they have to give you

the throat camera first.

Otherwise you'd be like...

"I taste Oprah."


No, here, look, that's...

But the thing is, because they
gave me this thing--

I don't want
to, you know, upset anyone,

and I don't want to
surprise you,

but I took a lot of drugs
in my life.

But until this point,
I had never taken legal drugs.

I'd always had
illegal street drugs.

Legal drugs are so much better.

Like, it's not even
the same game.

They're fucking unbelievable.

Respect, seniors.

It's unbelievable.

They're much better.

They gave me a drug called

It's an amazing drug.

It was the drug that killed
poor Michael Jackson.

God rest him.
He got addicted to it.

And, you know, I can understand.
I can see how that would happen.

I mean, I had it once, once,
and I was like...

¶ He he

And coming off--When you come
off a street drug, you know,

it's kind of like being
Daffy Duck in the cartoons.

You're like...


So scratchy, so scratchy.

Like something out
of Richard Gere's--Never mind.

Look, it's...

But coming off a legal drug
is like,


how are you?"

I was so high.

I was in this little post-op
room, and I was in there,

and I remember saying this.

My wife came in,
and I remember saying--

I was just so high, I said,
"Hey, baby.

It's the summer of love."

And my wife's
from a Scottish family,

so she said
what a Scottish woman says

when you tell her
it's the summer of love.

She said, "Oh, is it?"

"Will he need
a footbag, Doctor?"


I was like, "Oh, I feel so...

[imitates flatulence]

"You smell that, baby?

"Isn't that beautiful?

That's the way it's gonna be
from now on."

"You're gonna beg me
for a Dutch oven now, baby."


And when you are that high,

like, so high, they come in
and show you a movie

of the inside of your ass,

which is the perfect time
to see a movie

of the inside of your ass.

I was like, "Oh, yes!"

And because I got mine done
in Hollywood,

it was, you know,
letterbox format,

score by Danny Elfman,

surprise cameo
by Gwyneth Paltrow.


I was like, "Oh!

"We should totally play
Dark Side of the Moon

"while we're watching this.

It would sync up, man.
It would sync up."

¶ In through your ass

[humming Pink Floyd's Money]

¶ It's a gas ¶

Ha ha!

Ooh, fuck,
I never told you the joke.

All right, here's the joke.

The best joke in the world,

I don't know. I don't think
it's that good a joke.

You'll decide.
I don't think it's that great.

It's a joke which takes place
on a golf course.

I've recently
started playing golf,

which is unusual
for a 52-year-old Scotsman.

Usually, they start earlier,

but it's how I rebelled
when I was a kid.

They were all playing golf
all the time.

This is how they play it
in Scotland.

They played golf all the time,
at home, at work,

during sex.

There's no sex in Scotland.

It's a shame, because Scottish
women are very attractive.

At least I think they are.

I've never seen one
with her coat off.


Nothing here for you, Craig.

Just tweed all the way down.


Tweed and potatoes.

Tweed, potatoes, and a footbag.

I kind of turned myself on
a little bit there.

Anyway, so it takes place
on a golf course.

It's actually Scottish people
in the joke.

Well, look, here's the joke.

It's on the 18th hole
of a golf course.

It's a grudge match
between two guys

who just hate each other very--
and it's a putt for the game

on the 18th hole,
very tense moment.

And the guy's about to take
the putt, and he looks up,

and he sees a funeral procession
going by.

So he stops what he's doing,
takes off his hat,

and says a prayer
for the dearly departed.

And his opponent says,
"I have to say, that is one

of the most beautiful and
touching things I've ever seen."

And he says, "Well, we were
married 35 years.

I feel it's only right."

[cheers and applause]

And there you are.

That's it.

The best joke in the world.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much, New York.
I love you.

I'll see you next time.
I'll bring my sign.

Thanks a lot.
Good night, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

[bagpipe music]

[upbeat rock music]

Good one, Daddy!