Cracking Up (1983) - full transcript
Warren Nefron is a hopeless klutz who has some of the worst luck in the world: when he tries to end it all with a foolproof suicide plan, he still manages to mess it up. In desperation, he goes to a psychiatrist to see if there is some way for him to end his troubles. As the doctor talks with him, the film cuts to a series of shorts about scenes from Nefron's life, and the lives of the people around him.
[ Keys jingle ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
*
*
[ Sighs ]
[ Gasps ] Oh-ho-ho!
Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Hoo-hoo.
Whew!
[ Grunts ]
Uhh!
[ No audio ]
Room service?
Uh, this is room 612.
Would you please send up
a bucket of ice?
Thank you.
[ Knock on door ]
Uh, come in.
[ Knock on door ]
Come in!
[ Door rattling ]
Man: Sir,
y-your door's locked.
[ Material rips ]
Uhh. Uhh.
[ Panting ]
[ Panting ]
Ready?
[ Nervously ] Hi-ho.
Hee hee hee.
Ohh.
Mmm. Hmm.
Ah.
Whew!
[ Panting ]
Okay.
Heh.
Ooh.
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Man singing in Spanish
in high-pitched voice ]
[ Singing continues ]
[ Singing stops ]
Have you ever been
to a psychiatrist before?
Oh, I'm afraid not. No.
Afraid?
Let's get rid of those
"fear" words, Mr. Nefrin.
All right. Yeah. Okay.
No. Never.
Never?
Isn't that a bit final?
How about just "no"?
Ah...
Hostility.
I like that.
You're getting better
already. Ha ha.
Why don't you go lie down
there on the couch?
We can get started.
You seem
a little reluctant.
Well, it's the floor.
I'll handle it.
Why not get
a little cozier?
Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
That's what I came
to see you for --
'cause I'm not all right.
Nothing I do is right.
I'm a misfit.
I don't fit.
I'm a square peg
in a round hole.
I mean, you know what
a "misfit" means, don't ya?
That's why I came
to see you.
I think you'll be
more comfortable
in that chair over there.
Oh. Oh.
Good idea.
Miss Rose,
would you please cancel
all of my appointments
for today.
No. I'll call them myself
later.
Did you hear from hartman?
Very good.
Yes, I understand.
She did?
You can call her.
Very good.
[ Knock on door ]
Yes?
[ Thud ]
Uh, Warren...
Why don't you just stay
right down there
on the floor?
[ Sighs ]
No, no.
Uh, why don't you
turn over?
No, the other way --
on your back
so I can see you.
Oh.
[ Sighing ] Okay.
Let's get started.
Warren, when did you
first notice
you were...Uh...
A misfit?
That's close enough.
It started
a lotta years ago.
I can't remember
exactly when.
All I know is
I did nothing right.
*
*
*
Everything I did was wrong.
It was as though
I was from another planet.
*
Eehhhhh!
Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa.
[ Laughter ]
Um, Mr. Nefrin,
your mother and father
weren't, by any chance,
related to each other,
were they?
You know,
like, cousins, maybe?
Oh, no.
Nothin' like that.
This goes back
a long, long way back.
I mean, this goes --
I'm talkin' about
as far back
as my French ancestor,
Jacques nefron.
Jacques nefron
was the coachman driver
for the Marquis Henri Dubois
and his wife, Marie.
I'm talkin' about
the 15th century
in France, Europe.
[ Yelling ]
Eh, Jacques!
Whoa!
Jacques!
[ Speaking French ]
No, no, no, no!
[ Speaking gibberish ]
[ Speaking French ]
Ici.
[ Speaking French ]
[ Stuttering ]
[ Speaking French ]
[ Stuttering ]
[ Speaking French ]
[ Shouting in French ]
Ah, oui, oui.
[ Wee-wee ]
Exactly.
You got it.
[ Sighs ]
Timber!
[ Thud ]
[ Power saw whirring ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Singing in French ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Singing continues ]
Fini!
Madame, pardon.
The facility ready now.
[ Horse whinnying ]
Whoa! The horse!
[ Speaking French ]
Ha!
Ici.
Ah, très bonne, madame.
[ Whinnying ]
[ Shouting in French ]
[ Crash ]
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Poor Jacques.
What happened to him?
Oh, they sent him
to prison --
devil's island --
for life.
I guess escape
was out of the question.
Oh, no.
He tried it many times.
Did he ever pull it off?
Oh, I'm sure
he pulled it off.
There was no women
in prison.
[ Sighs ]
[ Speaking French ]
...if I had some sulfur.
Sul-ferr.
[ Speaking French ]
The book of matches
they did not invent yet,
so I use this rock to have --
ah!
[ Speaking French ]
Aha!
[ Speaking French ]
Chaud.
Hot. Chaud.
It's a hot chaud.
Ha ha. Ha ha.
Chaud.
A hot "show."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Where I get Japanese from?
Gee. Ahhh.
Too hot.
Ohhh. Chaud.
[ Blows ]
Whew!
Fois.
Ah.
[ Speaking French ]
[ Speaking French ]
Lautrec, lautrec, lautrec.
[ Speaking French ]
Matisse, Matisse.
Baroque, baroque.
[ Speaking French ]
Haircut. Toupee.
[ Knock at door ]
[ Speaking French ]
Man: It is I, Claude.
What are you doing?
Oh! Claude.
Hello, Claude.
I am making the dummy
that looks just like moi.
Isn't one of you enough?
[ Snickering ]
Stop with the jokes,
Claude.
I cannot take it no more.
I am making the dummy
that looks like me.
I will put him
inside that bed.
And then when the guards
come around,
they look inside,
they think it is me.
I will be gone.
Ça va?
How will you escape?
Claude?
Yes?
Ah! A key.
How will you get past
the guards outside?
Easy!
I climb over the wall,
and I fall down
on those guards,
and I overpower them.
Then I roll down the hill,
and I have this horse
waiting for me in the woods.
And I land on the horse,
and I ride away,
and I am free and gone
and away from all of this.
[ Footsteps approach ]
Claude, shh.
They are coming now.
[ Door opens ]
It is your lucky day,
scum.
We bring you
a new mattress.
A new mattress?!
I do not need no --
no, I do not need
the mattress!
That one is very good.
Out of my way!
I do not want
that new one!
This one is good.
It is good to sleep on.
It does not hurt my back.
I do not...
Pardon.
I do not know
how this happened,
but it seems that my foot
slid underneath
your big boot.
Your big boot is now
leaning on my small foot.
Heh heh.
[ Grunts ]
Aaaahhh!!!
You schweinehund!
It's the wrong time.
What will we do
with this filthy thing?
Throw it over the wall.
[ Whinnying ]
My dummy escaped.
Au revoir, dummy.
Have a good time in Paris.
Oh-ho. Ohhh.
I hate to say this,
Warren,
but your one of the worst
cases I've ever handled.
Thank you.
[ Applause ]
I just wish
I was like my father.
He was a man
of great dignity, quality,
respected by everyone.
He was always
a great success...
Almost.
[ Classical music plays ]
[ Audience murmuring ]
I would love to hear
about your ancestors,
Mr. Nefrin,
but our time is up.
Oh, okay.
But, uh, doctor, I mean,
do you have any idea
what the problem
is with me?
[ Laughs ]
It's a bit too early
to tell, but I suspect
that you have a touch
of dingle syndrome,
or overcompensation
of the ID against
the narcissus-feedback
chromosomes.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
Oh, well, I mean,
w-what is that exactly
in laymen's terms?
You're playing
with half a deck.
You don't have both oars
in the water.
You made too many swan dives
into empty pools.
Well, then,
I'll see you Thursday.
Of course.
Right.
Doctor...
Do I have a chance?
Of course.
Okay.
[ Thud ]
[ Slams ]
[ Loud thud ]
All right, everybody!
Aahh!
Aaahh!
Aahh!
Stay right where you are!
Nobody move!
[ Woman crying ]
[ "New York, New York"
instrumental plays ]
*
*
*
Here we go!
*
[ Music stops ]
Yay! Yay!
Bravo!
Mister....
Uh, nefrin.
Nefrin.
Yeah.
Now, uh, how many cigarettes
do you smoke a day?
I mean, like, when you
wake up in the morning,
there's a strong urge
to have one upon rising.
Very early in the morning,
no matter what time.
Sometimes people get up
at all hours of the morning.
They gotta have that
first cigarette of the day.
That's me.
Then, probably during
breakfast, you may have --
it's not a big breakfast
or anything.
Well, certainly,
you have coffee,
probably in the morning,
and you're reading
the paper,
you plan, maybe,
to have another cigarette.
And, which is becoming
the norm,
people are breaking
in the midmorning
for supposedly
a "coffee break,"
and it's become
a smoking break.
Yeah, well --
are you -- do you observe
sports on TV or in person?
That is another time
people just get all tied up
into the game
and following it so closely,
they have that something
to satisfy
that urge of tobacco,
and they have
another cigarette.
Like, how many cigarettes
do you smoke a day?
I'd say
fi-fi-f-f-five packs a day.
Five packs?!!!
Are you nuts, or what?!!
That's absurd, you idiot!!
That's ridiculous!!
And you will never
do that again!!
Well, how will you
arrange that?
Like this!!
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Horns honking ]
[ Engine backfiring ]
[ Engine sputtering ]
[ Horn honking ]
Say, excuse me, but, uh,
I have a problem.
Would you mind
giving me a push?
Not at all.
[ Dog barking ]
No, I-I don't think
you understood.
See, I didn't mean
to push me.
My problem was
I wanted to see if you
would push my car.
Oh, my pleasure.
Thank you.
See, when I first --
uh, w-w-wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Ooh! Ooh!
That's...
[ Horn honking ]
Ooh!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crash ]
[ Coughs ]
Man: This way.
Here we have "the horse."
Of course,
it is oil on canvas.
Yes, and here,
I'd like you to see this.
If you'll just step by me.
Keep moving along this way.
Let's keep together now.
Ah, this is something
you must take note of.
It is the famous painting
of "the bull."
Yes, if you'll
just keep moving along.
If you step this way,
please.
Just come this way.
Any questions at all,
don't hesitate to ask.
[ Liquid trickling ]
[ Trumpet plays ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Roars ]
[ Crash ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Crowd cheers,
bull galloping ]
[ Crash ]
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Bull galloping ]
[ Elevator bell dings ]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Door opens ]
Woman: [ In sultry voice ]
And, so you see, doctor,
what appears to be
a must in my life
isn't really anything more
than a compulsion.
Dr. Pletchick: But --
and that is a very big but --
you can't continue
this lifestyle
without ramifications.
I'm sure you know that.
Oh, I know you're right,
doctor,
but I have always lived
one day at a time, and, uh,
[ laughs ] As long as I
get what I need each day,
ooh, I'm happy.
Granted,
you have every right
to bang whoever you want
any time it pleases you,
but there are other things
in this life more important.
Name one.
I would
if there were more time,
but that hour
really flies by.
I'll see you again,
as usual,
Monday...tuesday...
Wednesday...
And for our long session
on Thursday.
Now go out
and make it a good day.
Don't worry, doc,
I'll make whoever I can.
[ Door opens ]
Everything's going to be
all right.
Ahh. Oooh.
Hello.
[ Giggles ]
[ Mumbling ] Oh, no.
No, no.
Unh-unh.
Mmm.
Mmmmm.
[ Mumbling ]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Unh-unh. Ohh-ho.
Come here.
Unh-unh.
Not me.
Oh, no.
Ah ha ha ha.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Sighs ]
Step aside.
[ Clomping ]
I won't slide
on the floor now.
Heh heh.
It just...
[ Clears throat ]
That was
a very unusual person.
She's...quite outgoing.
She's outgoing.
One look at her,
and you get the desperate
desire to be lonely.
Ha-heee!!
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Because she's...
Well, she
really isn't that bad.
Not that bad?
One look at her, and you
hope the drugstore's closed.
Ha ha ha ha heyyyy!
Heyyyyy!
Heeyyy.
Well, enough about her.
Let's get into
your problem.
Will you go sit
on the couch?
Yeah.
[ Barking like a seal ]
Ha ha ha ha!
Whoa.
Is that my folder?
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
Is it bad?!
Mr. Nefrin --
yes?!
Mr. Nefrin, I've been
studying your case carefully.
After
careful examination --
yes?
It is my opinion
that not only do you
have dingle syndrome,
but you have a smattering
of carper's waindowner leak.
[ Loud jingling ]
[ Jingling continues ]
[ Jingling continues ]
[ Jingling stops ]
[ Jingling ]
[ Jingling continues ]
[ Jingling stops ]
You did say
carper's waindowner leak?
Yes.
A leak is literally
a perforation in one of
the functional neural cells.
Once you have it,
you carry it with you
everywhere.
Oh.
I would suggest you go see
the top specialist working
on waindowner's leak today.
He's in London.
London?
That's a long way
to take a leak.
Yo-aaahhh!!!
Man: Uh, united 31 bravo,
radar contact.
You have traffic at 9:00.
United 31 bravo looking.
Woman: Attention, please.
Final call.
Flight 254 to San Francisco,
Portland, and Seattle
boarding at gate 9.
Flight 254. Final call.
Boarding at gate 9.
Flight 19 for Phoenix --
departing on schedule
at gate 4.
Flight 19 for Phoenix --
departing on schedule
at gate 4.
May I help you?
Yes, I would like
a ticket to London.
Have you ever flown "jolly
fats" weehawkin before?
Uh, no, I haven't.
Excuse me.
Ye ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha!!
Ah ha ha ha ha!!
$67.95
how--how come
it's so inexpensive?
Mr. Weehawkin doesn't pay
his employees very well.
I only earn
85 cents an hour.
Well, that's terrible.
It's probably
all I'm worth.
You see, I-I don't deal
with the public very well.
You seem very nice to me.
You're probably a schmuck.
Well, uh, do they, uh --
do they serve dinner
on this flight?
Well, of course, they do.
Let's see
what they're having.
Excuse me.
[ Vomiting ]
Chef's surprise.
You'll love it.
All right.
I'll--I'll take a ticket.
We don't have tickets.
I just stamp your hand.
There, uh,
isn't any ink on there.
We don't need ink.
Just show your hand
to the stewardess.
[ Bell ringing ]
Hold it right there.
What do you got
under the coat?
[ Mutters ]
What flight are you on?
Weehawkin to London.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Go right ahead.
I-I'm on weehawkin
to London, too.
And you don't have
a gun?
No.
Excuse me.
[ Chuckling ]
Wanna buy one?
[ Chuckling ]
No!
Well, that makes a set.
*
[ Metal scraping ]
Nefrin: What's that?
[ Clucking ]
[ Oinking ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
Oh!
[ Gruffly ]
You want dinner?
Oh--oh, yeah.
That sounds good.
What's the matter?
You all right?
[ Garbled ]
Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
Good.
Just fine.
A little more?
[ In normal voice ]
You have any well-done?
Just what I need --
another smart ass.
What's that?
[ Clucks ]
Economy.
Oh, that's terrible.
Ah, you tellin' me.
They don't even get
a free movie.
They don't?
Do we?
Yeah.
You wanna see it?
Yeah, I'd love to.
You got it.
Well, that's disgusting!
I know.
Wanna see it again?
No, I got it at home
on tape.
[ Slurring ] Oh, hiya.
I-I didn't know,
uh, which one it was of you
who--who asked
what our exact location is.
I'm very--I'm very sorry I
can't tell you that right now
--
right now, because,
well, to tell the truth,
I-I haven't been quite this far
off course before.
Oh, boy.
[ Drum beating slowly ]
Fellas, we got --
we gotta have m-more power.
More power.
That's it.
Give US all--all
the power you can.
Just remember, fellas --
we've been--we've been friends
for--for a long time.
And during--during --
yeah, yeah --
during the--during
the air controllers' strike,
did i--did I ask you
to take--to take a cut --
take--take a cut?
What--what about
the--the six days
a-and three nights
i-in lake ta--
in lake--in lake ta--ta--
uh, not far from Reno there?
All right.
More pow-- more power.
And d-- and don't
lose your rhythm.
Hey, how's it look
out there?
"How's it look
out there."
Captain, have you
ever seen a mountain
in the middle
of the Atlantic ocean?
Ah, Harry, you're
just a worrywart.
Hey, he owed me a --
don't anybody move.
Don't anybody move.
I'll take the parachute,
or I'll blow the plane
with these.
Hold on a second.
Can we flip for it?
What? Flip for it?
Up yours!
Here. Hold this for me.
Not that, numbnuts!
This!
Ooh!
That's
my favorite grenade!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were asleep.
But, uh, it seems
that I am lost.
Shh. What are you
searching for?
I'm on my way to London
to get a little peace.
There is peace
all around you.
Who in London
could give you peace?
Oh, uh...
Dr. Grasnover perks.
I am Dr. Grasnover perks.
You're
Dr. Grasnover perks?
Well, what are you doing
all the way out here?
Shh.
I flew "jolly fat" weehawkin
to New York.
Uh, why do you always say
"shh" before you speak?
[ No audio ]
[ Echoing ] Avalanche!!
Oh, shit.
Woman: You know, you are
very lucky to be alive.
They rescued you
from under 40 feet of snow
and brought you here.
You have
the dubious distinction
of being the coldest patient
we've ever had here.
[ Laughing weakly ]
It's a-a great
h-h-hon-honor.
Ha ha.
I, uh, have to change
your bedpan here.
Oh. Oh?!
[ Laughing ]
Mmm hmmm hmmm. Mmmm hmmm.
Oh. Oh-hoo.
[ Clanking ]
The floor nurse said that
you had asked a question
about a patient here
in the hospital.
Oh, yeah.
The, uh, the lama.
You know,
the man with the beard
with the icicles on it?
Oh, yes. He's down
in the operating room.
They're going to open him up
to repair a ruptured spleen.
Ready.
No anesthetic.
I beg your pardon?
No anesthetic.
I should not like to have
strange gases and chemicals
infiltrate my body.
But we have to make an 8-inch
incision in your abdomen
and go in
and repair your spleen.
The pain would be
unbearable.
Sir, I am a master
of yoga, zen, I ching,
Mahatma Gandhi's
sense of levitation,
and self-control.
Well, I don't know.
Sir, I can disassociate
my mind from my body,
where I shant feel anything,
absolutely nothing
whatsoever.
Well, if this is really
possible, it would be
one of the greatest medical
discoveries of all time.
Trust me.
Very well. I'll do it.
Just a moment.
Before you proceed,
I shall place myself
in a catatonic state.
Once I am there...
I shall lie down,
and then you may begin.
Feineen!
Feineen!
Wolik!
Wolik!
Pont, pont.
Saylee meany.
Saylee meany.
Mummy. Mummy.
Wolupu. Wolupu.
Heist. Heist.
Mompist. Mompist.
[ Chanting ]
Saylike. Saylike.
Push.
Muminnng.
You may begin.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you
to note the time.
This will be the first
moment in modern history
when a man has undergone
such an operation
without an anesthetic.
Ohh! That hurts!
Are you nuts?!
Ohhh!!
Ohhhh!!
Ohhhhh!!!
Wooowwwww!!
Oh!! Oh, pain!!
Ohhh, Christ almighty!
You think
you are a misfit?
Oh, yeah. Well, that's
what I said, you know,
when we first talked.
That's right -- misfit.
You think you
can't do anything right.
Oh, doc-doctor,
don't--don't, uh --
please don't st--
don't--don't
stand by the window, okay?
Why?
Well, I'm afraid
you'll fall out.
Mr. Nefrin, are you
afraid of heights?
Oh, yeah. Whoo!
I don't like any -- not --
as back as I can remember.
I mean, I wouldn't even
stand on my tiptoes,
which cost me a chance
at being a ballet dancer.
Acrophobia.
No, "swan lake."
I was very --
I loved that the best.
It's a common disorder
with a simple cure.
Oh, really?
I mean,
am I gonna be okay, huh?
Come on.
No.
Come.
No.
Floor.
Come.
[ Clomps ]
Ooh.
[ Echoing ] Come.
[ "Romeo and Juliet overture"
by Tchaikovsky plays ]
[ No audio ]
*
Dr. Pletchick: Now,
I know this must seem like
a drastic way to cure
your fear of heights,
but it is the only way.
You have to face your fears
bravely and squarely.
[ Nervously ]
Bravely and squarely.
Good. Now say after me --
there is nothing
to be afraid of.
[ Garbled ]
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me.
Good.
Nothing can happen to me!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Now turn around
and look over the edge.
No. Look all --
look all the way over.
Turn around.
Turn your body.
Come on.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Okay. Now turn around.
Look down.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me.
Now go back there.
You're on your own.
Everything's gonna be
all right.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There...is...nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing can happen
to me.
Nothing can happen to me!!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of!!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of!
Nothing can happen
to me.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing--nothing
can happen to me.
I did it.
I did it, doc.
Doc, did you see?
I did it.
I just -- doc?
I just le--
nothing can happen to me.
There's nothing to be scared
of.
I still don't know
what happened.
Hmm. I'll tell you
what happened.
What happened was
that it's a good thing
you landed on a flagpole.
That's what happened.
And then when you went
through the canvas awning,
you went through it,
like, 85 miles an hour,
although it slowed you down
a little bit.
And thank goodness for the
lady with the open umbrella.
When you h-h-hit that --
I mean,
I know it's not funny,
but that kicked you
right off into the bus,
and you careened off the bus
into the empty manhole.
It's a good thing
the manhole cover wasn't on.
You could've been badly hurt.
Heh heh.
It's my fault.
What am I laughing --
it's all my fault.
Everything I come
in contact with is wrong.
Maybe it would be best
for the whole world
if I just went away
and I just became a hermit.
That -- yeah -- a hermit.
Wait a minute.
A hermit?
I've got an idea.
Somebody--somebody here
can help you.
A hermit?
No. If I could
only remember his name.
There once was a hermit
named Dave, who had --
no, no, no!
His name isn't Dave.
It's not Dave. Well...
Get me the, uh,
address book on my desk.
On your desk?
Yeah, right up there.
On the top someplace.
Is it on the desk?
Right on top of the desk.
Right in the middle
of the desk.
Here's the middle.
[ Grunts ]
It's on top of the desk.
No. I don't --
I don't see --
I don't see none. No.
Warren, stand
in the middle of the desk.
I'm in the middle.
Okay. Look up.
I'm looking up.
Now...look down.
What does looking up
and looking down do for me?
Look at my desk, and you'll
see the address book.
It says "address book."
Well, I'm not lying!
There's no book
that says "address"!
Warren...
[ Thudding and crashing ]
Could you buzz
my secretary?
Ah! Ah!
The brown address book.
Whoa!!
[ Crash ]
Warren?
Warren?
Warren?
Warren?
[ Engine backfires ]
[ Engine shuts off ]
Ooh!!
I told them
they ship them too fast!
[ Car approaching ]
[ Honking ]
[ Banjo and harmonica music
plays ]
[ With southern accent ]
Well, hi.
A pleasant good day
to you, sir.
Welcome
to surefoot county.
And you was zippin'
right through that
like you were
a land-to-air missile.
Would I be too pushy, sir,
if I asked for
your license, please?
[ With slurred speech ]
I'm sorry, officer.
I don't have my license.
You don't have
your license with you?
How about that?
I'm gonna have to ask you
to step out of that car!
Step right out
of that car!
That's a fine car.
Right out of that car.
Now slow and spread 'em.
Turn around
and spread 'em now.
Just spread 'em.
Get those hands up there.
I'm checkin' out --
I spread --
I just gotta...
If you're worried
about a ride, my...
Ohhhh!
Wow!!
I don't know, doctor.
I don't think
I'm getting better.
Now, now. It's too soon
to be talking like that.
You've only
been coming here
for six or seven
hundred dollars.
Yeah, but I'm gonna be
running out of money soon.
Hey, what kind of a doctor
do you think I am?
You don't need money
to come here for help.
Well, that's very nice
to hear.
You can bring clothing,
silverware, jewelry.
A good
19-inch television set
will get you four visits.
I think I'm gonna have
to get another job.
Why? What happened
to your last one?
[ Crying ] Oh, don't ask.
Fill it up?
Oh, yeah,
would you please?
Uh, what's that sign about?
It means you have to have
the exact amount of cash.
I don't carry any money.
That way, I don't get robbed.
Well, that's terrible.
You're tellin' me.
The way things are,
you're not safe anywhere.
Wow. Then I got a problem.
Here's $100, and I want
you just to take this baby
and get some gas for it.
If there's anything left,
you keep it, all right?
Oh, that's very kind
of you, Mr. Davis.
And don't you worry.
I'm gonna treat this car
like it was my very own.
You have a car?
Oh, yeah. It's right over
there across the street.
You see it?
Right there in the front.
Do me a favor.
Yeah?
Treat it like it's my car.
Ha ha.
Yes, I will, Mr. Davis.
All right.
Okay.
Ha ha ha ha.
What a wonderful human being.
I got
a $100,000 car here,
and all I have
is a $100 bill.
What do I do now?
I have a suggestion.
Yeah?
Put up your hands.
You think you're a misfit.
That's what I said, you know,
when we first talked. Yeah.
Nothing I do is right.
* dooh
* da da-da da
* wa da-da da da
* da-da da
* da-da daa da
wah wah wah wah wah wah wo-wah
*
get up, Joe!!
Wake up!!
Quick!! Quick!!
* bah-dah bah
* dah-dah dah
* ba doot doot
* woo wooo-ooh
* wowa wowa wow
* buttercup, buttercup
* baahh
* bah-dah dah-dah
* bah-dah dah-dah
[ music blaring ]
We better get
a move on!
Don't the dance
start at 8:00?!
8:00, right!!
Right, 8:00!!
Ready.
You takin' that
new chick you met?!
She's really stacked!!
Beauty!!
Wait till you see her.
Wait till you see
what I got packaged
for tonight.
She's a 10-plus fraction.
Crazy!!
* wacko
* wack
* wack
* wack
* way dah-dah dah dah
hey, Joe!!
There's somethin'
up my ass!
[ Big-band music plays ]
I think I'll have the,
uh, nontoxic luncheon.
[ In nasal voice ]
Would you like to start
with juice, fruit,
or soup?
Uh, I think juice
will be fine.
We have apple, grapefruit,
pineapple, apricot,
orange, lemon, lemon crush,
banana, asparagus, avocado,
nectarine, tangerine,
cherry,
or pitless watermelon.
I think apple
would be fine.
Apple it is.
And what kind of salad would
you like with your meal?
We have Caesar,
watercress,
lettuce and tomato,
plain tomato, plain lettuce,
bibb lettuce,
hearts of lettuce,
hearts of bibb lettuce,
and lettuce leaves.
Uh, watercress
is always the, uh --
watercress it is.
Good choice. You got it.
And what'll you
have on it?
We have vinegar,
vinegar and oil,
plain oil,
thousand island,
hundred island,
Hawaiian island,
three mile island,
Russian, German, Swiss,
Mayo, roquefort,
blue cheese, brown cheese,
cheese, cheese and bacon,
bacon bits, bacon chips.
Uh, vinegar and oil
because --
vinegar and oil.
Good choice. You got it.
And now
for your main course --
we have steak, chops,
veal, lamb chops,
veal chops,
chops of beef,
beef tornadoes,
tornadoes of beef,
roast beef, boiled beef,
broiled beef, baked beef,
braised beef, ribs,
liver, lungs, or knees.
I think steak
is probably --
steak. Yummy.
And how would you
like that --
medium, medium rare,
well, well-done,
rare, very rare...
...sanka, coffee,
decaf, brim, cocoa --
hold it. Could I
just have a check?
Fine.
Will that be cash, visa,
mastercard, carte blanche,
American express,
bank of america card,
bank of Germany, bank of Tokyo,
bank of england,
bank of Honduras,
bank of Uruguay,
bank of
the peloponnesian islands,
bank of Chile,
bank of Israel, bank of...
Can I get my car, please?
[ In nasal voice ] Was it
a sedan, coupe, 2-door,
4-door, split top,
convertible?
What color was it?
Plain --
call me a cab.
You want checker, yellow,
red and white,
black and blue,
blue plaid...
[ Gagging ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Engine backfiring ]
[ No audio ]
[ Engine sputtering ]
Warren,
I owe you an apology.
You do?
The solution
to your problem
has been under my nose
all along,
and I've overlooked it.
It has?
It can be summed up
in one word --
posthypnotic suggestion.
Is that something you
need a prescription for,
or can you get it
over the counter?
Ha ha ha ha ha. No.
You get it right here.
Warren...
I want you
to close your eyes...
For you are going
to sleep.
I want you
to concentrate...
On the sound
of my voice.
There is darkness
all around you.
You are
completely...Relaxed.
As you go deeper...
And deeper...Asleep.
[ Snores ]
Now I'm going
to clap my hands once.
And when I do,
you will be...Asleep.
[ Grunts ] Mmm, yeah.
Warren...
Hmm?
I'm going to suggest to you
that your problem is solved.
[ Laughs ] Uh ha ha.
Uh ha ha.
You will never be
the same man again.
Oh.
You are in complete control
of your every move.
[ Laughs ]
Mmmm hmmm hmmm.
Never again will you
have to carry guilt
for the destruction
that plagues your life.
[ Grunts ]
And now, Warren, I'm going
to give you a key word.
And that key word
will trigger
a posthypnotic suggestion.
And that suggestion is
that all of the bad things
that I have mentioned
will be gone
from your life.
Uh ha ha.
No more destruction,
havoc, chaos.
You will be a well man.
Oh, yeah.
And that word --
the word I'm going to say
to you after you awaken --
is "smorgasbord."
Now awaken.
What happened?
You remember anything?
No, I don't.
Good.
Come with me.
Where are we going?
I'm gonna walk you
downstairs,
out into the world.
You are cured.
Nefrin:
I'm very relaxed.
Warren, you're
gonna understand this.
This feels like a --
I need to do this
for you.
I feel like
I'm sleeping in --
Warren! Warren!
So, I never listen --
let me take you out.
I'm really all right.
It's just that, you know --
it's like that feeling
of where you get
so perfectly relaxed,
you know?
Stand here
up against the wall.
I --
are you all right?
Warren. Warren!
Snap out of it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just that, you know,
with such
a relaxed feeling...
That, uh --
are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm--i'm--i'm
just oooohhh.
You'll be all right.
I don't think
I'm cured very good.
Be patient.
I think I'm losing my...
[ Elevator bell dings ]
I'm okay, though.
Oh, there's a lady!
Here, lady.
Give me your --
it's okay.
I'll wait
for the next one.
No, no, no. Here.
Let me just open
that part.
If you get
your head in. Wait. Here.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, lady.
Wait, lady. I can help.
Just get your head --
[ material rips ]
Aaahh!
There. There.
She's in!
Ooh!
Nefrin: The lady dropped
her sweater.
Dr. Pletchick: Right.
Why don't you go over
and pick it up for her?
I would probably
do something terrible.
No. You won't.
I assure you.
Okay, I'll try.
Wait.
What?
Smorgasbord.
I beg your pardon?
Smorgasbord.
I'm feeling
a little strange.
I know.
Now go help the lady.
Go help the lady.
I believe you dropped
your sweater.
How sweet.
[ Groans ]
Smorgasbord.
Smorgasbord.
Oh, I beg your pardon,
sir.
Could--could I trouble you
for 65 cents
for a cup of coffee,
a cup of coffee,
a cup of coffee,
a cup of -- 65 cents.
Oh, yes. Of course,
my good man.
Here's a dollar.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I'll go get it.
I'm sorry.
No, I'll get it.
It's okay. I'll get it.
Aaahhh!!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Siren wails ]
Smorgasbord.
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crash ]
Smorgasbord.
[ People shouting ]
Smorgasbord.
How was the movie?
Oh, it was
terrific.
Yeah.
Should we see it?
Absolutely.
Don't miss it.
Yeah.
Woman: [ In nasal voice ]
Say, uh, could you
handle another question?
Was it a good one...
Or fair?
Did you like it,
or did you love it?
Will I love it
or just like it?
Was it cute, or silly?
Was there music?
Was it loud?
Will we laugh?
Is it sad?
Is it long, or regular?
Could you see it twice,
or is once enough?
Well, uh, since
you're so interested,
I'll--I'll--I'll
tell you.
It's really good.
You know what happens?
You got a light?
I wanna thank the
naacp for this award.
Put me down!
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
*
*
[ Sighs ]
[ Gasps ] Oh-ho-ho!
Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Hoo-hoo.
Whew!
[ Grunts ]
Uhh!
[ No audio ]
Room service?
Uh, this is room 612.
Would you please send up
a bucket of ice?
Thank you.
[ Knock on door ]
Uh, come in.
[ Knock on door ]
Come in!
[ Door rattling ]
Man: Sir,
y-your door's locked.
[ Material rips ]
Uhh. Uhh.
[ Panting ]
[ Panting ]
Ready?
[ Nervously ] Hi-ho.
Hee hee hee.
Ohh.
Mmm. Hmm.
Ah.
Whew!
[ Panting ]
Okay.
Heh.
Ooh.
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Man singing in Spanish
in high-pitched voice ]
[ Singing continues ]
[ Singing stops ]
Have you ever been
to a psychiatrist before?
Oh, I'm afraid not. No.
Afraid?
Let's get rid of those
"fear" words, Mr. Nefrin.
All right. Yeah. Okay.
No. Never.
Never?
Isn't that a bit final?
How about just "no"?
Ah...
Hostility.
I like that.
You're getting better
already. Ha ha.
Why don't you go lie down
there on the couch?
We can get started.
You seem
a little reluctant.
Well, it's the floor.
I'll handle it.
Why not get
a little cozier?
Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
That's what I came
to see you for --
'cause I'm not all right.
Nothing I do is right.
I'm a misfit.
I don't fit.
I'm a square peg
in a round hole.
I mean, you know what
a "misfit" means, don't ya?
That's why I came
to see you.
I think you'll be
more comfortable
in that chair over there.
Oh. Oh.
Good idea.
Miss Rose,
would you please cancel
all of my appointments
for today.
No. I'll call them myself
later.
Did you hear from hartman?
Very good.
Yes, I understand.
She did?
You can call her.
Very good.
[ Knock on door ]
Yes?
[ Thud ]
Uh, Warren...
Why don't you just stay
right down there
on the floor?
[ Sighs ]
No, no.
Uh, why don't you
turn over?
No, the other way --
on your back
so I can see you.
Oh.
[ Sighing ] Okay.
Let's get started.
Warren, when did you
first notice
you were...Uh...
A misfit?
That's close enough.
It started
a lotta years ago.
I can't remember
exactly when.
All I know is
I did nothing right.
*
*
*
Everything I did was wrong.
It was as though
I was from another planet.
*
Eehhhhh!
Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa.
[ Laughter ]
Um, Mr. Nefrin,
your mother and father
weren't, by any chance,
related to each other,
were they?
You know,
like, cousins, maybe?
Oh, no.
Nothin' like that.
This goes back
a long, long way back.
I mean, this goes --
I'm talkin' about
as far back
as my French ancestor,
Jacques nefron.
Jacques nefron
was the coachman driver
for the Marquis Henri Dubois
and his wife, Marie.
I'm talkin' about
the 15th century
in France, Europe.
[ Yelling ]
Eh, Jacques!
Whoa!
Jacques!
[ Speaking French ]
No, no, no, no!
[ Speaking gibberish ]
[ Speaking French ]
Ici.
[ Speaking French ]
[ Stuttering ]
[ Speaking French ]
[ Stuttering ]
[ Speaking French ]
[ Shouting in French ]
Ah, oui, oui.
[ Wee-wee ]
Exactly.
You got it.
[ Sighs ]
Timber!
[ Thud ]
[ Power saw whirring ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Singing in French ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Singing continues ]
Fini!
Madame, pardon.
The facility ready now.
[ Horse whinnying ]
Whoa! The horse!
[ Speaking French ]
Ha!
Ici.
Ah, très bonne, madame.
[ Whinnying ]
[ Shouting in French ]
[ Crash ]
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Poor Jacques.
What happened to him?
Oh, they sent him
to prison --
devil's island --
for life.
I guess escape
was out of the question.
Oh, no.
He tried it many times.
Did he ever pull it off?
Oh, I'm sure
he pulled it off.
There was no women
in prison.
[ Sighs ]
[ Speaking French ]
...if I had some sulfur.
Sul-ferr.
[ Speaking French ]
The book of matches
they did not invent yet,
so I use this rock to have --
ah!
[ Speaking French ]
Aha!
[ Speaking French ]
Chaud.
Hot. Chaud.
It's a hot chaud.
Ha ha. Ha ha.
Chaud.
A hot "show."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Where I get Japanese from?
Gee. Ahhh.
Too hot.
Ohhh. Chaud.
[ Blows ]
Whew!
Fois.
Ah.
[ Speaking French ]
[ Speaking French ]
Lautrec, lautrec, lautrec.
[ Speaking French ]
Matisse, Matisse.
Baroque, baroque.
[ Speaking French ]
Haircut. Toupee.
[ Knock at door ]
[ Speaking French ]
Man: It is I, Claude.
What are you doing?
Oh! Claude.
Hello, Claude.
I am making the dummy
that looks just like moi.
Isn't one of you enough?
[ Snickering ]
Stop with the jokes,
Claude.
I cannot take it no more.
I am making the dummy
that looks like me.
I will put him
inside that bed.
And then when the guards
come around,
they look inside,
they think it is me.
I will be gone.
Ça va?
How will you escape?
Claude?
Yes?
Ah! A key.
How will you get past
the guards outside?
Easy!
I climb over the wall,
and I fall down
on those guards,
and I overpower them.
Then I roll down the hill,
and I have this horse
waiting for me in the woods.
And I land on the horse,
and I ride away,
and I am free and gone
and away from all of this.
[ Footsteps approach ]
Claude, shh.
They are coming now.
[ Door opens ]
It is your lucky day,
scum.
We bring you
a new mattress.
A new mattress?!
I do not need no --
no, I do not need
the mattress!
That one is very good.
Out of my way!
I do not want
that new one!
This one is good.
It is good to sleep on.
It does not hurt my back.
I do not...
Pardon.
I do not know
how this happened,
but it seems that my foot
slid underneath
your big boot.
Your big boot is now
leaning on my small foot.
Heh heh.
[ Grunts ]
Aaaahhh!!!
You schweinehund!
It's the wrong time.
What will we do
with this filthy thing?
Throw it over the wall.
[ Whinnying ]
My dummy escaped.
Au revoir, dummy.
Have a good time in Paris.
Oh-ho. Ohhh.
I hate to say this,
Warren,
but your one of the worst
cases I've ever handled.
Thank you.
[ Applause ]
I just wish
I was like my father.
He was a man
of great dignity, quality,
respected by everyone.
He was always
a great success...
Almost.
[ Classical music plays ]
[ Audience murmuring ]
I would love to hear
about your ancestors,
Mr. Nefrin,
but our time is up.
Oh, okay.
But, uh, doctor, I mean,
do you have any idea
what the problem
is with me?
[ Laughs ]
It's a bit too early
to tell, but I suspect
that you have a touch
of dingle syndrome,
or overcompensation
of the ID against
the narcissus-feedback
chromosomes.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
Oh, well, I mean,
w-what is that exactly
in laymen's terms?
You're playing
with half a deck.
You don't have both oars
in the water.
You made too many swan dives
into empty pools.
Well, then,
I'll see you Thursday.
Of course.
Right.
Doctor...
Do I have a chance?
Of course.
Okay.
[ Thud ]
[ Slams ]
[ Loud thud ]
All right, everybody!
Aahh!
Aaahh!
Aahh!
Stay right where you are!
Nobody move!
[ Woman crying ]
[ "New York, New York"
instrumental plays ]
*
*
*
Here we go!
*
[ Music stops ]
Yay! Yay!
Bravo!
Mister....
Uh, nefrin.
Nefrin.
Yeah.
Now, uh, how many cigarettes
do you smoke a day?
I mean, like, when you
wake up in the morning,
there's a strong urge
to have one upon rising.
Very early in the morning,
no matter what time.
Sometimes people get up
at all hours of the morning.
They gotta have that
first cigarette of the day.
That's me.
Then, probably during
breakfast, you may have --
it's not a big breakfast
or anything.
Well, certainly,
you have coffee,
probably in the morning,
and you're reading
the paper,
you plan, maybe,
to have another cigarette.
And, which is becoming
the norm,
people are breaking
in the midmorning
for supposedly
a "coffee break,"
and it's become
a smoking break.
Yeah, well --
are you -- do you observe
sports on TV or in person?
That is another time
people just get all tied up
into the game
and following it so closely,
they have that something
to satisfy
that urge of tobacco,
and they have
another cigarette.
Like, how many cigarettes
do you smoke a day?
I'd say
fi-fi-f-f-five packs a day.
Five packs?!!!
Are you nuts, or what?!!
That's absurd, you idiot!!
That's ridiculous!!
And you will never
do that again!!
Well, how will you
arrange that?
Like this!!
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Horns honking ]
[ Engine backfiring ]
[ Engine sputtering ]
[ Horn honking ]
Say, excuse me, but, uh,
I have a problem.
Would you mind
giving me a push?
Not at all.
[ Dog barking ]
No, I-I don't think
you understood.
See, I didn't mean
to push me.
My problem was
I wanted to see if you
would push my car.
Oh, my pleasure.
Thank you.
See, when I first --
uh, w-w-wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Ooh! Ooh!
That's...
[ Horn honking ]
Ooh!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crash ]
[ Coughs ]
Man: This way.
Here we have "the horse."
Of course,
it is oil on canvas.
Yes, and here,
I'd like you to see this.
If you'll just step by me.
Keep moving along this way.
Let's keep together now.
Ah, this is something
you must take note of.
It is the famous painting
of "the bull."
Yes, if you'll
just keep moving along.
If you step this way,
please.
Just come this way.
Any questions at all,
don't hesitate to ask.
[ Liquid trickling ]
[ Trumpet plays ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Roars ]
[ Crash ]
[ Glass shatters ]
[ Crowd cheers,
bull galloping ]
[ Crash ]
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Bull galloping ]
[ Elevator bell dings ]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Door opens ]
Woman: [ In sultry voice ]
And, so you see, doctor,
what appears to be
a must in my life
isn't really anything more
than a compulsion.
Dr. Pletchick: But --
and that is a very big but --
you can't continue
this lifestyle
without ramifications.
I'm sure you know that.
Oh, I know you're right,
doctor,
but I have always lived
one day at a time, and, uh,
[ laughs ] As long as I
get what I need each day,
ooh, I'm happy.
Granted,
you have every right
to bang whoever you want
any time it pleases you,
but there are other things
in this life more important.
Name one.
I would
if there were more time,
but that hour
really flies by.
I'll see you again,
as usual,
Monday...tuesday...
Wednesday...
And for our long session
on Thursday.
Now go out
and make it a good day.
Don't worry, doc,
I'll make whoever I can.
[ Door opens ]
Everything's going to be
all right.
Ahh. Oooh.
Hello.
[ Giggles ]
[ Mumbling ] Oh, no.
No, no.
Unh-unh.
Mmm.
Mmmmm.
[ Mumbling ]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Unh-unh. Ohh-ho.
Come here.
Unh-unh.
Not me.
Oh, no.
Ah ha ha ha.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Sighs ]
Step aside.
[ Clomping ]
I won't slide
on the floor now.
Heh heh.
It just...
[ Clears throat ]
That was
a very unusual person.
She's...quite outgoing.
She's outgoing.
One look at her,
and you get the desperate
desire to be lonely.
Ha-heee!!
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Because she's...
Well, she
really isn't that bad.
Not that bad?
One look at her, and you
hope the drugstore's closed.
Ha ha ha ha heyyyy!
Heyyyyy!
Heeyyy.
Well, enough about her.
Let's get into
your problem.
Will you go sit
on the couch?
Yeah.
[ Barking like a seal ]
Ha ha ha ha!
Whoa.
Is that my folder?
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
Is it bad?!
Mr. Nefrin --
yes?!
Mr. Nefrin, I've been
studying your case carefully.
After
careful examination --
yes?
It is my opinion
that not only do you
have dingle syndrome,
but you have a smattering
of carper's waindowner leak.
[ Loud jingling ]
[ Jingling continues ]
[ Jingling continues ]
[ Jingling stops ]
[ Jingling ]
[ Jingling continues ]
[ Jingling stops ]
You did say
carper's waindowner leak?
Yes.
A leak is literally
a perforation in one of
the functional neural cells.
Once you have it,
you carry it with you
everywhere.
Oh.
I would suggest you go see
the top specialist working
on waindowner's leak today.
He's in London.
London?
That's a long way
to take a leak.
Yo-aaahhh!!!
Man: Uh, united 31 bravo,
radar contact.
You have traffic at 9:00.
United 31 bravo looking.
Woman: Attention, please.
Final call.
Flight 254 to San Francisco,
Portland, and Seattle
boarding at gate 9.
Flight 254. Final call.
Boarding at gate 9.
Flight 19 for Phoenix --
departing on schedule
at gate 4.
Flight 19 for Phoenix --
departing on schedule
at gate 4.
May I help you?
Yes, I would like
a ticket to London.
Have you ever flown "jolly
fats" weehawkin before?
Uh, no, I haven't.
Excuse me.
Ye ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha!!
Ah ha ha ha ha!!
$67.95
how--how come
it's so inexpensive?
Mr. Weehawkin doesn't pay
his employees very well.
I only earn
85 cents an hour.
Well, that's terrible.
It's probably
all I'm worth.
You see, I-I don't deal
with the public very well.
You seem very nice to me.
You're probably a schmuck.
Well, uh, do they, uh --
do they serve dinner
on this flight?
Well, of course, they do.
Let's see
what they're having.
Excuse me.
[ Vomiting ]
Chef's surprise.
You'll love it.
All right.
I'll--I'll take a ticket.
We don't have tickets.
I just stamp your hand.
There, uh,
isn't any ink on there.
We don't need ink.
Just show your hand
to the stewardess.
[ Bell ringing ]
Hold it right there.
What do you got
under the coat?
[ Mutters ]
What flight are you on?
Weehawkin to London.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Go right ahead.
I-I'm on weehawkin
to London, too.
And you don't have
a gun?
No.
Excuse me.
[ Chuckling ]
Wanna buy one?
[ Chuckling ]
No!
Well, that makes a set.
*
[ Metal scraping ]
Nefrin: What's that?
[ Clucking ]
[ Oinking ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
Oh!
[ Gruffly ]
You want dinner?
Oh--oh, yeah.
That sounds good.
What's the matter?
You all right?
[ Garbled ]
Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
Good.
Just fine.
A little more?
[ In normal voice ]
You have any well-done?
Just what I need --
another smart ass.
What's that?
[ Clucks ]
Economy.
Oh, that's terrible.
Ah, you tellin' me.
They don't even get
a free movie.
They don't?
Do we?
Yeah.
You wanna see it?
Yeah, I'd love to.
You got it.
Well, that's disgusting!
I know.
Wanna see it again?
No, I got it at home
on tape.
[ Slurring ] Oh, hiya.
I-I didn't know,
uh, which one it was of you
who--who asked
what our exact location is.
I'm very--I'm very sorry I
can't tell you that right now
--
right now, because,
well, to tell the truth,
I-I haven't been quite this far
off course before.
Oh, boy.
[ Drum beating slowly ]
Fellas, we got --
we gotta have m-more power.
More power.
That's it.
Give US all--all
the power you can.
Just remember, fellas --
we've been--we've been friends
for--for a long time.
And during--during --
yeah, yeah --
during the--during
the air controllers' strike,
did i--did I ask you
to take--to take a cut --
take--take a cut?
What--what about
the--the six days
a-and three nights
i-in lake ta--
in lake--in lake ta--ta--
uh, not far from Reno there?
All right.
More pow-- more power.
And d-- and don't
lose your rhythm.
Hey, how's it look
out there?
"How's it look
out there."
Captain, have you
ever seen a mountain
in the middle
of the Atlantic ocean?
Ah, Harry, you're
just a worrywart.
Hey, he owed me a --
don't anybody move.
Don't anybody move.
I'll take the parachute,
or I'll blow the plane
with these.
Hold on a second.
Can we flip for it?
What? Flip for it?
Up yours!
Here. Hold this for me.
Not that, numbnuts!
This!
Ooh!
That's
my favorite grenade!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were asleep.
But, uh, it seems
that I am lost.
Shh. What are you
searching for?
I'm on my way to London
to get a little peace.
There is peace
all around you.
Who in London
could give you peace?
Oh, uh...
Dr. Grasnover perks.
I am Dr. Grasnover perks.
You're
Dr. Grasnover perks?
Well, what are you doing
all the way out here?
Shh.
I flew "jolly fat" weehawkin
to New York.
Uh, why do you always say
"shh" before you speak?
[ No audio ]
[ Echoing ] Avalanche!!
Oh, shit.
Woman: You know, you are
very lucky to be alive.
They rescued you
from under 40 feet of snow
and brought you here.
You have
the dubious distinction
of being the coldest patient
we've ever had here.
[ Laughing weakly ]
It's a-a great
h-h-hon-honor.
Ha ha.
I, uh, have to change
your bedpan here.
Oh. Oh?!
[ Laughing ]
Mmm hmmm hmmm. Mmmm hmmm.
Oh. Oh-hoo.
[ Clanking ]
The floor nurse said that
you had asked a question
about a patient here
in the hospital.
Oh, yeah.
The, uh, the lama.
You know,
the man with the beard
with the icicles on it?
Oh, yes. He's down
in the operating room.
They're going to open him up
to repair a ruptured spleen.
Ready.
No anesthetic.
I beg your pardon?
No anesthetic.
I should not like to have
strange gases and chemicals
infiltrate my body.
But we have to make an 8-inch
incision in your abdomen
and go in
and repair your spleen.
The pain would be
unbearable.
Sir, I am a master
of yoga, zen, I ching,
Mahatma Gandhi's
sense of levitation,
and self-control.
Well, I don't know.
Sir, I can disassociate
my mind from my body,
where I shant feel anything,
absolutely nothing
whatsoever.
Well, if this is really
possible, it would be
one of the greatest medical
discoveries of all time.
Trust me.
Very well. I'll do it.
Just a moment.
Before you proceed,
I shall place myself
in a catatonic state.
Once I am there...
I shall lie down,
and then you may begin.
Feineen!
Feineen!
Wolik!
Wolik!
Pont, pont.
Saylee meany.
Saylee meany.
Mummy. Mummy.
Wolupu. Wolupu.
Heist. Heist.
Mompist. Mompist.
[ Chanting ]
Saylike. Saylike.
Push.
Muminnng.
You may begin.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you
to note the time.
This will be the first
moment in modern history
when a man has undergone
such an operation
without an anesthetic.
Ohh! That hurts!
Are you nuts?!
Ohhh!!
Ohhhh!!
Ohhhhh!!!
Wooowwwww!!
Oh!! Oh, pain!!
Ohhh, Christ almighty!
You think
you are a misfit?
Oh, yeah. Well, that's
what I said, you know,
when we first talked.
That's right -- misfit.
You think you
can't do anything right.
Oh, doc-doctor,
don't--don't, uh --
please don't st--
don't--don't
stand by the window, okay?
Why?
Well, I'm afraid
you'll fall out.
Mr. Nefrin, are you
afraid of heights?
Oh, yeah. Whoo!
I don't like any -- not --
as back as I can remember.
I mean, I wouldn't even
stand on my tiptoes,
which cost me a chance
at being a ballet dancer.
Acrophobia.
No, "swan lake."
I was very --
I loved that the best.
It's a common disorder
with a simple cure.
Oh, really?
I mean,
am I gonna be okay, huh?
Come on.
No.
Come.
No.
Floor.
Come.
[ Clomps ]
Ooh.
[ Echoing ] Come.
[ "Romeo and Juliet overture"
by Tchaikovsky plays ]
[ No audio ]
*
Dr. Pletchick: Now,
I know this must seem like
a drastic way to cure
your fear of heights,
but it is the only way.
You have to face your fears
bravely and squarely.
[ Nervously ]
Bravely and squarely.
Good. Now say after me --
there is nothing
to be afraid of.
[ Garbled ]
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me.
Good.
Nothing can happen to me!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Now turn around
and look over the edge.
No. Look all --
look all the way over.
Turn around.
Turn your body.
Come on.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Okay. Now turn around.
Look down.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me.
Now go back there.
You're on your own.
Everything's gonna be
all right.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing can happen to me.
Nothing can happen to me!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There...is...nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing can happen
to me.
Nothing can happen to me!!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of!!
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
There is nothing
to be afraid of!
Nothing can happen
to me.
There is nothing
to be afraid of.
Nothing--nothing
can happen to me.
I did it.
I did it, doc.
Doc, did you see?
I did it.
I just -- doc?
I just le--
nothing can happen to me.
There's nothing to be scared
of.
I still don't know
what happened.
Hmm. I'll tell you
what happened.
What happened was
that it's a good thing
you landed on a flagpole.
That's what happened.
And then when you went
through the canvas awning,
you went through it,
like, 85 miles an hour,
although it slowed you down
a little bit.
And thank goodness for the
lady with the open umbrella.
When you h-h-hit that --
I mean,
I know it's not funny,
but that kicked you
right off into the bus,
and you careened off the bus
into the empty manhole.
It's a good thing
the manhole cover wasn't on.
You could've been badly hurt.
Heh heh.
It's my fault.
What am I laughing --
it's all my fault.
Everything I come
in contact with is wrong.
Maybe it would be best
for the whole world
if I just went away
and I just became a hermit.
That -- yeah -- a hermit.
Wait a minute.
A hermit?
I've got an idea.
Somebody--somebody here
can help you.
A hermit?
No. If I could
only remember his name.
There once was a hermit
named Dave, who had --
no, no, no!
His name isn't Dave.
It's not Dave. Well...
Get me the, uh,
address book on my desk.
On your desk?
Yeah, right up there.
On the top someplace.
Is it on the desk?
Right on top of the desk.
Right in the middle
of the desk.
Here's the middle.
[ Grunts ]
It's on top of the desk.
No. I don't --
I don't see --
I don't see none. No.
Warren, stand
in the middle of the desk.
I'm in the middle.
Okay. Look up.
I'm looking up.
Now...look down.
What does looking up
and looking down do for me?
Look at my desk, and you'll
see the address book.
It says "address book."
Well, I'm not lying!
There's no book
that says "address"!
Warren...
[ Thudding and crashing ]
Could you buzz
my secretary?
Ah! Ah!
The brown address book.
Whoa!!
[ Crash ]
Warren?
Warren?
Warren?
Warren?
[ Engine backfires ]
[ Engine shuts off ]
Ooh!!
I told them
they ship them too fast!
[ Car approaching ]
[ Honking ]
[ Banjo and harmonica music
plays ]
[ With southern accent ]
Well, hi.
A pleasant good day
to you, sir.
Welcome
to surefoot county.
And you was zippin'
right through that
like you were
a land-to-air missile.
Would I be too pushy, sir,
if I asked for
your license, please?
[ With slurred speech ]
I'm sorry, officer.
I don't have my license.
You don't have
your license with you?
How about that?
I'm gonna have to ask you
to step out of that car!
Step right out
of that car!
That's a fine car.
Right out of that car.
Now slow and spread 'em.
Turn around
and spread 'em now.
Just spread 'em.
Get those hands up there.
I'm checkin' out --
I spread --
I just gotta...
If you're worried
about a ride, my...
Ohhhh!
Wow!!
I don't know, doctor.
I don't think
I'm getting better.
Now, now. It's too soon
to be talking like that.
You've only
been coming here
for six or seven
hundred dollars.
Yeah, but I'm gonna be
running out of money soon.
Hey, what kind of a doctor
do you think I am?
You don't need money
to come here for help.
Well, that's very nice
to hear.
You can bring clothing,
silverware, jewelry.
A good
19-inch television set
will get you four visits.
I think I'm gonna have
to get another job.
Why? What happened
to your last one?
[ Crying ] Oh, don't ask.
Fill it up?
Oh, yeah,
would you please?
Uh, what's that sign about?
It means you have to have
the exact amount of cash.
I don't carry any money.
That way, I don't get robbed.
Well, that's terrible.
You're tellin' me.
The way things are,
you're not safe anywhere.
Wow. Then I got a problem.
Here's $100, and I want
you just to take this baby
and get some gas for it.
If there's anything left,
you keep it, all right?
Oh, that's very kind
of you, Mr. Davis.
And don't you worry.
I'm gonna treat this car
like it was my very own.
You have a car?
Oh, yeah. It's right over
there across the street.
You see it?
Right there in the front.
Do me a favor.
Yeah?
Treat it like it's my car.
Ha ha.
Yes, I will, Mr. Davis.
All right.
Okay.
Ha ha ha ha.
What a wonderful human being.
I got
a $100,000 car here,
and all I have
is a $100 bill.
What do I do now?
I have a suggestion.
Yeah?
Put up your hands.
You think you're a misfit.
That's what I said, you know,
when we first talked. Yeah.
Nothing I do is right.
* dooh
* da da-da da
* wa da-da da da
* da-da da
* da-da daa da
wah wah wah wah wah wah wo-wah
*
get up, Joe!!
Wake up!!
Quick!! Quick!!
* bah-dah bah
* dah-dah dah
* ba doot doot
* woo wooo-ooh
* wowa wowa wow
* buttercup, buttercup
* baahh
* bah-dah dah-dah
* bah-dah dah-dah
[ music blaring ]
We better get
a move on!
Don't the dance
start at 8:00?!
8:00, right!!
Right, 8:00!!
Ready.
You takin' that
new chick you met?!
She's really stacked!!
Beauty!!
Wait till you see her.
Wait till you see
what I got packaged
for tonight.
She's a 10-plus fraction.
Crazy!!
* wacko
* wack
* wack
* wack
* way dah-dah dah dah
hey, Joe!!
There's somethin'
up my ass!
[ Big-band music plays ]
I think I'll have the,
uh, nontoxic luncheon.
[ In nasal voice ]
Would you like to start
with juice, fruit,
or soup?
Uh, I think juice
will be fine.
We have apple, grapefruit,
pineapple, apricot,
orange, lemon, lemon crush,
banana, asparagus, avocado,
nectarine, tangerine,
cherry,
or pitless watermelon.
I think apple
would be fine.
Apple it is.
And what kind of salad would
you like with your meal?
We have Caesar,
watercress,
lettuce and tomato,
plain tomato, plain lettuce,
bibb lettuce,
hearts of lettuce,
hearts of bibb lettuce,
and lettuce leaves.
Uh, watercress
is always the, uh --
watercress it is.
Good choice. You got it.
And what'll you
have on it?
We have vinegar,
vinegar and oil,
plain oil,
thousand island,
hundred island,
Hawaiian island,
three mile island,
Russian, German, Swiss,
Mayo, roquefort,
blue cheese, brown cheese,
cheese, cheese and bacon,
bacon bits, bacon chips.
Uh, vinegar and oil
because --
vinegar and oil.
Good choice. You got it.
And now
for your main course --
we have steak, chops,
veal, lamb chops,
veal chops,
chops of beef,
beef tornadoes,
tornadoes of beef,
roast beef, boiled beef,
broiled beef, baked beef,
braised beef, ribs,
liver, lungs, or knees.
I think steak
is probably --
steak. Yummy.
And how would you
like that --
medium, medium rare,
well, well-done,
rare, very rare...
...sanka, coffee,
decaf, brim, cocoa --
hold it. Could I
just have a check?
Fine.
Will that be cash, visa,
mastercard, carte blanche,
American express,
bank of america card,
bank of Germany, bank of Tokyo,
bank of england,
bank of Honduras,
bank of Uruguay,
bank of
the peloponnesian islands,
bank of Chile,
bank of Israel, bank of...
Can I get my car, please?
[ In nasal voice ] Was it
a sedan, coupe, 2-door,
4-door, split top,
convertible?
What color was it?
Plain --
call me a cab.
You want checker, yellow,
red and white,
black and blue,
blue plaid...
[ Gagging ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Engine backfiring ]
[ No audio ]
[ Engine sputtering ]
Warren,
I owe you an apology.
You do?
The solution
to your problem
has been under my nose
all along,
and I've overlooked it.
It has?
It can be summed up
in one word --
posthypnotic suggestion.
Is that something you
need a prescription for,
or can you get it
over the counter?
Ha ha ha ha ha. No.
You get it right here.
Warren...
I want you
to close your eyes...
For you are going
to sleep.
I want you
to concentrate...
On the sound
of my voice.
There is darkness
all around you.
You are
completely...Relaxed.
As you go deeper...
And deeper...Asleep.
[ Snores ]
Now I'm going
to clap my hands once.
And when I do,
you will be...Asleep.
[ Grunts ] Mmm, yeah.
Warren...
Hmm?
I'm going to suggest to you
that your problem is solved.
[ Laughs ] Uh ha ha.
Uh ha ha.
You will never be
the same man again.
Oh.
You are in complete control
of your every move.
[ Laughs ]
Mmmm hmmm hmmm.
Never again will you
have to carry guilt
for the destruction
that plagues your life.
[ Grunts ]
And now, Warren, I'm going
to give you a key word.
And that key word
will trigger
a posthypnotic suggestion.
And that suggestion is
that all of the bad things
that I have mentioned
will be gone
from your life.
Uh ha ha.
No more destruction,
havoc, chaos.
You will be a well man.
Oh, yeah.
And that word --
the word I'm going to say
to you after you awaken --
is "smorgasbord."
Now awaken.
What happened?
You remember anything?
No, I don't.
Good.
Come with me.
Where are we going?
I'm gonna walk you
downstairs,
out into the world.
You are cured.
Nefrin:
I'm very relaxed.
Warren, you're
gonna understand this.
This feels like a --
I need to do this
for you.
I feel like
I'm sleeping in --
Warren! Warren!
So, I never listen --
let me take you out.
I'm really all right.
It's just that, you know --
it's like that feeling
of where you get
so perfectly relaxed,
you know?
Stand here
up against the wall.
I --
are you all right?
Warren. Warren!
Snap out of it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just that, you know,
with such
a relaxed feeling...
That, uh --
are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm--i'm--i'm
just oooohhh.
You'll be all right.
I don't think
I'm cured very good.
Be patient.
I think I'm losing my...
[ Elevator bell dings ]
I'm okay, though.
Oh, there's a lady!
Here, lady.
Give me your --
it's okay.
I'll wait
for the next one.
No, no, no. Here.
Let me just open
that part.
If you get
your head in. Wait. Here.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, lady.
Wait, lady. I can help.
Just get your head --
[ material rips ]
Aaahh!
There. There.
She's in!
Ooh!
Nefrin: The lady dropped
her sweater.
Dr. Pletchick: Right.
Why don't you go over
and pick it up for her?
I would probably
do something terrible.
No. You won't.
I assure you.
Okay, I'll try.
Wait.
What?
Smorgasbord.
I beg your pardon?
Smorgasbord.
I'm feeling
a little strange.
I know.
Now go help the lady.
Go help the lady.
I believe you dropped
your sweater.
How sweet.
[ Groans ]
Smorgasbord.
Smorgasbord.
Oh, I beg your pardon,
sir.
Could--could I trouble you
for 65 cents
for a cup of coffee,
a cup of coffee,
a cup of coffee,
a cup of -- 65 cents.
Oh, yes. Of course,
my good man.
Here's a dollar.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I'll go get it.
I'm sorry.
No, I'll get it.
It's okay. I'll get it.
Aaahhh!!
[ Tires screech ]
[ Siren wails ]
Smorgasbord.
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crash ]
Smorgasbord.
[ People shouting ]
Smorgasbord.
How was the movie?
Oh, it was
terrific.
Yeah.
Should we see it?
Absolutely.
Don't miss it.
Yeah.
Woman: [ In nasal voice ]
Say, uh, could you
handle another question?
Was it a good one...
Or fair?
Did you like it,
or did you love it?
Will I love it
or just like it?
Was it cute, or silly?
Was there music?
Was it loud?
Will we laugh?
Is it sad?
Is it long, or regular?
Could you see it twice,
or is once enough?
Well, uh, since
you're so interested,
I'll--I'll--I'll
tell you.
It's really good.
You know what happens?
You got a light?
I wanna thank the
naacp for this award.
Put me down!