Cracking Up (1977) - full transcript

What would happen if a 9.7 magnitude earthquake were to strike the L.A. area? This is what "Cracking Up" looks at from the lighter side. The movie is composed of individual skits of original material by the actors spun around this hypothetical disaster.





♪ Oh, oh, cracking up

♪ Oh, oh, oh, cracking up

♪ The world's a-shaking,
cracking up

♪ The earth is quaking,
cracking up

♪ Oh, oh, cracking up

[TOILET FLUSHING] ♪ Oh, oh, oh, cracking up

♪ Oh, it's only thunder,
cracking up

♪ You're buried under,
cracking up

Whoa, what's that?

♪ It's gonna carry you away


WOMAN: Can we
come back later?






It's been 24 hours

since the greatest earthquake every recorded on Earth

brought destruction,
havoc and a cut
in property taxes

to the state of California.

Seismologists have estimated the quake to be 9.7 on the Richter scale.

Reports indicate
250 seismologists dead,

as well as 24 million
other fatalities,
some of them serious.

Damage is approximated
at $900 billion,

plus tax and license.

The President, on vacation in Georgia, was unavailable for comment.

However, the Vice President told reporters this morning

that he thought the quake was, quote, "A real shame."

And he went on to say
that he had once lost
his masseuse in a quake,

so he knows how it feels.


The Red Cross is speeding out packets of Rolaids and Alka Seltzer

to bring relief to the 168 known survivors

and the 18 unknown survivors who were flown to Georgia

just an hour ago to attend a prayer breakfast

and mock lynching
with the President.

Death, destruction,
untold human suffering.

Surely this terrible disaster is nothing to joke about,

which reminds me of the story of the Jewish corpse

and the body of
the L.A. Police Chief

who met under what was
once Forest Lawn.


The corpse says...
Well, I'd better not
go into that now.

I'll tell you later.

I'm really tired of this...

Hello, I'm Walter Concrete.

And I'm his better half,
Barbie Halters.

And we've got
a special report for you.

Can you dig it?

And that's just what the folks
here on the West Coast
are doing, Barbie,

as they dig their way out
from under 20 feet of culture,

the rubble of the freeways,
parking centers,

oh, cities, movie studios
and MacDonald Supper Clubs.

There's only one word
to describe the scene here,

And you know, Barbara,
they say that the earthquake
only lasted three seconds.

[SIRENS WAILING]Three seconds?

It just goes to show you
how time flies
when you're having fun.


I would like to explain
why we're here.

First, to interview
any survivors,
if we can find them,

and to have them
tell us their personal
human stories...

Do you have money...

Would you please get away,
you filthy man?

Get away from here!
We're filming here!

Dirty, filthy man.

I think he's-- he's hurt
your suit a little bit there.
It's all right.

[BABBLING]And secondly,
to make a fast buck,

[LAUGHING]if you know what I mean.

Well, we'll be back with
more of this personal report

after this important message.

Hi, ladies, I'm Dr. Holcomb,
your credit gynecologist.

I have over 24 locations
to serve you.

During the grand opening
of my new drive-through

in the beautiful
City of Industry,

I'm offering
my spring-cleaning special.


Girls, if you're pregnant,
need birth control pills,

or just looking for company,
see me.

credit is no problem
at Dr. Holcomb,

even if you're new in town
or have only been working
since noon.

And remember, I handle
those special problems.

ANNOUNCER: Dr. Holcomb
is located everywhere.

Si, yo hablo espanol.
Medi-Cal accepted.
Sodium Pentothol used.

Not responsible for personal property left in the waiting room.

Hi, I'm Nick Jackelson
and I'm an actor,

but I'm not acting now.

As you know, many actors
suffered during the Great
West Coast Earthquake.

These established
professionals need new caps
for their teeth,

new toupees,
and above all, new agents.

If you can help,
or if you have a brother
in the clothing industry,

please send your contribution

to Western Entertainment
Industry Relief Drive.

That's W.E.I.R.D., Box 9.2,
Los Angeles, Minnesota.

Oh, excuse me.

Nurse Ratshit said
I had to take this pill.


Thank you.

One of the tragedies of
tragedies like this tragedy

are that people who have
worked all their lives to make
something of themselves

now find themselves dead.

But for those who were
lucky enough to have
survived the quake,

there were other problems,

like trying to find
lost contact lenses.

Hello. Sir?Huh?

Oh, oh, good morning, there.

Ah, beautiful morning,
isn't it?

Boy, it's mornings like these
that really make
a man feel great.

You know what I mean?

Are--Are you all right, sir?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Nothing could be better.

I'm terrific.
Everything's fine.

I don't know how to
tell you this, sir,

but you look like
a nervous wreck.

No, no, no,
I'm in the wrecking business.

That's it,
the wrecking business.

With all this
destruction going on,

somebody's got to clean it up.
You know what I mean?


Well, tell me, where were you
when the quake happened?

Well, you see,
I was on my way
to my office.

PAUL: Mr. Willard, the head of the personnel department

was interviewing a prospective employee.

Excuse me.Yes?

Is this where
I apply for the job?

You've come
to the right place.
Is this your resume?

Yes, it is.Fine. Be seated
right over there,

and you'll speak
to our Vice President
in just a moment.

Uh, no, you have to
stay seated right there.
He's not with us yet.


I'm not going to
tell you again.

You're gonna have to have
some degree of patience.

He's in a very short,
but a very important meeting.

I can't do anything
for you personally.
Do you understand that?

Uh, you seem to have
quite a complete resume.

You should do
very well with it.Thank you.

Uh, would you mind
if I told you something
in the strictest confidence?


Do you see me signaling
for you to come over here?

I'd rather not broadcast it
to the entire office.

Now in just a moment
our Vice President,
Mr. Mislove,

will be coming in,
uh, in to, uh,
in to interview you.


He'll be coming
through that door.

Now, uh, there is something
I have to tell you about him.

He has this slight
nervous twitch.

You're kidding.I wouldn't kid you
about such a thing. No.

Is it anything like this?

Like what?

Uh, never mind.
I don't have time
to banter with you.

The important thing is
don't call any attention
whatsoever to it.

[MISLOVE CHATTERING]He's very sensitive.

Oh, as a matter of fact,
here he comes now.

Morning, Mike.
Glad to have you back.Morning, Fred.

Have a nice weekend?

Good to see you got
a little color
in your cheeks.

I had a wonderful weekend.

You're looking
100 percent better.

This must be
the young man here for...

Mike, say hello
to Bill Nunguesser.

Hello, Bill. How are you?Hi.

Bill, this is Mr. Mislove.

That's Mislove.Mislove.


I don't want to go
through it again, Fred.

We've been through it
many, many times.

Get away for a little
fishing this weekend?

Did I get away
for a little fishing!Silly question, wasn't it?

You know it,
you old son of a gun.
I love to fish.

Do you fish, young man?Yes, I do.

I want to tell you,
got in the car
about 4:00,

beat the rush hour traffic,
was up there about 7:00,
in bed at 8:00, Fred.

That's the way to do it.And I slept like a baby.

Huh?Cried all night.

Get that, Bill?Did you get that, Bill?

I want to tell you,
I got up at 5:00
in the morning.

I was out in the boat at 6:00.

By noon I had
filled that boat up
with fish, Fred.

I want to tell you
I caught a seven
and a half-pound striped bass.




Looks like he's got a hook
caught in his mouth.

Bill, I was hoping
I had made myself
quite clear.

I don't want to repeat.

But like I always say,
all work and no play makes
Mike a dull boy.

I'll second that.

And Monday morning
it's back here in the office,

with my nose right down
there on the grindstone.Oh, yes.

But you know,
I hate coming back
on Monday mornings.

There's always so much work
piled up on my desk,

it takes forever
to clear it off.

That didn't take him
long at all.

Bill, I think a word
to the wise should be

Where's the
young man's resume?

Oh, here it is, sir.
It inadvertently
fell on the floor.

Oh, all right.
Take a look here.

Well, well, well, well.
I like what I

see, young man.

But, to be perfectly
frank with you,

the final decision
as to your employment
is not up to me,

nor is it up to
Mr. Willard here.

It's up to our President,
Mr. Zegler.

Who will be entering
in just a moment.

He'll be coming
through there.Right over there, Bill.

Now, uh, let me
just tell you something

about Mr. Zegler
as a word of warning.

Bill, he has a peculiar
sort of a little...

Yeah, yeah.
I think I know.
I think I know.

Did you say
anything to him?Not a word, no.

Well, let me just tell you,
uh, not to call
any attention to it

and, uh, please make
your questions very brief.

He's a very busy man
and he can't stay too long.

As a matter of fact,
I think here he comes now.

Good morning, sir,
I'd like you, uh...

He didn't stay long at all.

Bill...Here he comes now.

How about a chair
for the chief?A chair for Mr...


Hey, nice catch!


Good morning, Paul.Good morning, Michael.
Good morning, Fred.

Morning, sir.Paul, I'd like you to say
hello to Bill Nunguesser here.

Hello, Bill, I'm Mr. Zegler.




Smart boy.
I like him already.

Let's see.
Got the young man's resume?

Right there.
Ready to go, chief.Terrific.




Well, you're about to leave
on a very important
business trip, aren't you?

Yes, I got to take
a trip to Cleveland,
New York and L.A.

How are you traveling?


I think he's gonna fly.


BILL: Well, he'll never get
that load off the ground.



Well, let's, uh,
let's not rush things.
Let's relax for a moment.

How about a drink?Oh, I'd love it.
I'm a little thirsty.

Yes, siree.Why don't I get the drinks?

Uh-oh.Good idea.

Bill, I hope you'll join us.
Uh, what's your pleasure?


A Harvey Wallbanger.

Good thinking. I...

Every time, uh,
have drinks...

Here we go,
don't mind the fingers.

[LAUGHING]Oh, here we go.

Well, this will go down
easier than any coffee.

I don't think I'm out of line
proposing a toast.

Here's mud in your eye.

ALL: All right.

I like him.
I like him a lot.

Paul, why don't you
tell Bill here a bit about

what it is we do
at this office?

Well, as you know, Bill,
we are in the wrecking

BILL: That's quite obvious.


And most of our work
does take us outdoors.

BILL: You don't do too bad
indoors, either.



I believe what Mr. Zegler
is trying to say is

we need someone to stay here
in the office and more or less
keep things nailed down.

Why don't you
start with his shoe?



Well, uh, time is wasting.
I think we should make
a decision.

Don't you?Yes.

Well, I think I like
the young man, Michael.

Let me put it to him
right now.

Bill, do you think you can
fit in here at the firm?

Sure, why not.

All right!Got a terrific style.
That I like.

Let's hire
that young man.

Is it settled?Yes, siree.

Then why don't
we go to lunch?Why don't we all go together?






Hey, baby.Yeah, yeah.




Only yesterday, this edifice
was a magnificent church

known as the Simple Shrine.

Now, as you can see,
it's shot to hell.

The church's leader,
Sister Simple, is here.

Sister, how do you account
for your miraculous survival?

Survival? What survival?

I'm dead.

Yesterday was
the day of reckoning.

Isn't it wonderful?

We made it.
We're all saved!

But, Sister, how do you
account for all--
all the dead people?

What else would you
expect to find in heaven?


Oh, the Lord works
in wondrous ways.

I can't believe it.
Sister Simple.

Reverend Billy.

I thought you were dead.

I am dead, Billy,
and you're dead, too.

Well, I knew
you could heal yourself.

Oh, praise be.

Isn't this something, Sister?It's wonder...

Excuse me, Sister,
but where were you
when the earthquake struck?

What earthquake?

It was no earthquake.
It was the hand of God!


And I was there
in my sanctuary

for the downtrodden
just praying away.

[ORGAN PLAYING]Hallelujah.

And I laid my hand upon
the altar and it moved.


We're going to hear
the most inspirational story

of one Mr. Morris Goodheight.

Mr. Goodheight,
if you could come and just...
Welcome to our service.


Yes, right into the studio.
Yeah. You need not
be frightened.

Sit right down.

Yes. Now tell us.


Early in your life...

Early in your life,
you were afflicted,
were you not?

You had an affliction,
did you not?

Early in my life,
I was afflicted.


As I was a small boy
growing up in Boise, Idaho,

I turned from God
and I was afflicted.

[ALL CHEERING]My baby teeth
could not come out.

They would not come out
and they would not come out
and they would not come out.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine the trauma of
these tiny recalcitrant teeth?

And then what did you do?

And then one day
they all came out
on the same day.


And then the very next day,
all my grown-up teeth
all came in


Crooked? Crooked teeth

in a crooked mouth

from a crooked life.

Yes. And then what did you do?

Then my parents
took me to a dentist.

A dentist?

But what could
a dentist do for you?

He put braces on my teeth.

Oh, these must be
those tiny braces,

a symbol of your torture
and suffering.

These are the very same ones.

Yes, and what are these
rubber bands, Mr. Goodheight?

Extra suffering.

Extra suffering.

Extra suffering.

Oh, how long did this
extra suffering go on?

I had them on for 25 years.


And they did not work,
and they did not work,
and they did not work.

And that is what brought you
that night to our service

at the Simple Shrine,
isn't it?

And you came a-running
down the aisle and right
up onto the stage

and you said something
to me that time
that I will never forget.


What was that
you said to me at that time?

Share that with
all of us here.


He said, "Help."I said, "Help."

He said, "Help."

And I laid my hand
upon your mouth

and then what happened?

And then only a week later
I went back to the dentist

and he took the braces off

and my teeth
were all straight.

Oh, and show us.
Show us the wonderful teeth.


It's truly amazing,
is it not, Mr. Goodheight?

Well, now you can go anywhere
and you can eat anything.

Even apples in company.

ALL: Yeah!

And I owe it all to you.Oh, no, no, no.

You are the one
who saved me.

You are the one...[SCREAMS] No!

Because you see,
Mr. Goodheight,

these hands are
merely magnets

in the force field
of God's power.

back to God,

back to His scripture.

Job, Chapter 8, Verse 2.

"Oh, how long will thou
speak these things,

"and how long will
the words of thy mouth

"be like a strong wind."

Oh, yes!

AUDIENCE: Praise the Lord!Because I believe.

Praise the Lord!Oh, I believe!

Praise the Lord!I believe in me!


We'll be back with more
of this disaster
after this commercial break.

Hey, whitey,
so you're prejudiced, huh?

Hey, hey. I can dig it.

It's all right.

A lot of people
are prejudiced, man.

Got a goldfish
that's prejudiced against
house cats.

You know it's
a big thing, Jim.

See, a lot of you jive turkeys
don't want to admit
when you're prejudiced.

Now you walking around
saying things, "Oh, yes,
I love black people."

Hey, look,
don't give me that jive.

I know you don't
love black people.

I don't even love
all black people myself.

See? So don't be
giving me that jive.

But look. Hey, dig this.

A lot of doctors even
feel that the aggression

between races is
pure, natural and inherited.

It's like the American way.
You understand?

Now you can get all that
pent up hostility out of you

with the Nigger Boppers.
Here's how it works.

You see a black dude
walking down the street
with a white chick.


Get him with
the Nigger Boppers.
Right there, man.

Or if you see a black guy
rob a liquor store,

hit him with
the Nigger Bopper.

Hey, maybe you got
a black chick

that's trying to invade
on a lily white classroom.

Get 'em with
the Nigger Bopper.

Oh, hey, they love it, man.

They can take the pain.
It ain't no big thing.
You understand?

Hey, for you black brothers
out there,

we also have

the Honky Stoppers. Yeah.


[MAN SCREAMS]Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, got one.

[MAN GROANING]Is he all right? He's dead?


MALE REPORTER: Well, the Pasadena Rose Bowl Parade is one of the few events

that was not cancelled due to the earthquake.

And as you can see, John,

the parade, it's not as spectacular as in years past. No, it's not.

But it is an impressive
display of civic pride.

Oh, and here is Miss Joan Carson.

She is this year's Rose Bowl Parade Queen.

And, uh... She's lovely.

Oh, yes, and she would have even been more spectacular

had not her float been sunk by that tidal wave.

And she is followed
by the sole survivor

of the Southern California
Drum and Bugle Corps.

Oh, yes. And who is that with her?

Oh, and that is drum majorette, Chris Jones.

And you know, the football game,

uh, today should be very, very interesting

considering the very few survivors left on both sides. Mmm-hmm. Should be fun.

Well, Barbie Halters
here again in the midst
of the trouble

and the rubble,
and it's time to talk
earthquake fashions.

Well, hemlines are bound to
tumble this season as we...

Excuse me.Well, what... What have we
here. Another survivor.

And what's your name, sir?

Uh, Peter Francis Zafranski.

Huh, Zafranski. French.

Francis.Ah, Polish.

Polish-American, yeah.Yes, well what are you
doing here?

Well, this used
to be my office.

This was
the world head quarters of

the Society for
Polish-American Understanding.

I was the executive director.

Oh, this must be
a terrible tragedy for you.

It looks better.

Oh, really?Yeah.

Well, where were you
when the earthquake hit?

it's an interesting story.

I was down at the Radio Shack

trying to pick up
our TV program on
one of the FM sets.

Our machine broke.

We produce
a television program
that's seen in the Midwest.

It's a kind of like
a black journal
without the blacks.

Very interesting, I'm sure.

Well, it's easy to shoot.

ANNOUNCER: SPAM, the Society for Polish-American Understanding presents


a smart look at
the many-sided world of
what it means to be

both Polish and American
and still Polish, too.

Now here's your guide
Alistair Kakowski.

Good morning,
and welcome
to the Polibusshow.

With me this afternoon
are many human Poles

who will help show you
the positive side
of Polarization.

The act of being Polish-ed.

But first

this brief Polospective.


When was the last time
you was in New Jersey,
New York?

If the answer is,
"Yes, I have,"

then maybe you've enjoyed
a beautiful place called
Palisades Park.

ALISTAIR: But did you know that this jewel of the lower Hudson

was first called
Polisades Park?

Yes, that's right.
Are you sitting down?

With me today is...

With me today is
Dr. Edward O'Mazuraski,

a Polish person
who now calls
Ireland his home

where he does things.

Dr. O'Mazuraski...Welcome.

Thank you.

Being from Ireland
like you are,

and being Polish
to boot, too...Yes.

...I guess that a guy
could say about you

that you are the only fellow

what could get away
with wearing his shamrock

on top of his undershirt.


That was a joke.

Dr. O'Mazuraski,
sitting here,

is a regular
Bennett Cerf type scholar.

I wouldn't say that.It's true.

A scholar of
Polish folk humors.

True Polish folk humor
comes directly from
the hearts, you see.

From the, uh, oh, the, uh...

The tits?

Could you perhaps share
with our audience
the best of such tales?

Well, certainly you mean
one of the best.

No, the best.

The very best? All right.

I'll give you my own
particular favorite then.

This goes back some years.
I hope you don't mind that.

I first heard this
when I was a small boy

in the Polish section
of Cork.

And it goes
something like this.

In a small Polish village,

in the dead of winter,

under a thick silent
mantle of snow,

the stars twinkling out
overhead one by one,

and these two Jews were
stranded on a desert island.

So, uh, Haime
says to Shlaime,

he says, uh, he says,
"I've got a confession
to make.

"I slept with your wife."

Shlaime looks him
right in the eyes
and says, "My wife?

"Why, I thought
she was your wife."


Dr. O'Mazuraski,
thank you for yours
was truly a pleasures.

And with that interview,
I can see that our time,

like a elevator
falling to a stop, has

flown, so on with the show.

Until next time,
this is Edward...

This is Alistair Kakowski

only you can prevent

Polish people
from catching on fire.

Thank you

and you're welcome.


[SIREN WAILING] MALE REPORTER: Despite injuries and hardships

survivors of the quake
are managing to
keep their spirits up.


♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ I'm proud of all the groovy things we've done

♪ There's television,
free religion

♪ Rock 'n' roll, Standard Oil, Times Square, Jimmy Darren

♪ Corey Wells,
and Smokey Bear

♪ Price reduction,

♪ Peace Corps, and lots more culture that we got to lend

♪ I'm proud
to be an American

♪ And I'm proud, I had
a great time bein' one ♪


Now here... Here's some...
Now, that's...

You see, that's,
uh, Mona Lisa.Yeah.

Yeah, the smile
on her face, huh?Yeah.

I wonder
what she's thinking, huh?

She's thinking
she wants it, baby!

[YELLING]Yeah, yeah, yeah.



We're here with
Professor Norton Ceedee

of the New Jersey
Earthquake Center.

Hey, Mama,
I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Uh, Professor Ceedee,
could you tell me
what causes quakes?

Well, that's rain.

The condensation
from the clouds.

Well, really?
I--I always thought it was
a build up of gasses.

No, I think you're describing
the symptoms of heartburn,

which I can tell
you've got a little of
by your breath there.

I'm sorry.
But, uh, Professor,
rain doesn't cause quakes.

Oh, quakes?Yes.

Oh, I thought
you said lakes.

Rain causes lakes.

Oh, but the quakes,
you see, the quakes are
caused by the pressure

building up in the Earth and
forming a jam-like substance.

Uh-huh, I see.
And what do you scientists
call this jam-like substance.

Jam. We call it jam.

It comes in three flavors:
Chicken, shrimp or clam.

Now, wait a minute.
Jam causes earthquakes?

Well, why not? Of course,
it also causes heartburn,
you see.

Excuse me, Professor,
but I have to ask you
a question.

Why is it that all you
scientists always speak
with a German accent?

Oh, well, actually
I'm an American actor,

but they're overdubbing
my voice in German.


I see.
Well, let me ask you
one more question.

Uh, what causes
the Earth to crack?

Well, that's, uh, anxiety.

A-A-Anxiety?Yes, anxiety.

You see,
the Earth is like us.

It's very sensitive,

and when the pressures
are building up in the Earth

sooner or later
they have to crack open.


Attention all red-blooded
tax-paying American He-men.

This is Johnny E. Pluribus
Unum Johnson at Stalwart
Fashions and Furniture,

116,732 East
George Washington Boulevard
in Helicopter.

Men, don't let the queers
tear our country to pieces.

Come on down to Stalwart
and see the beautiful

double-knit queer bait
sports coats we have
special now.

These are the same
kind of coats Eastwood
and Bronson wear

when they go out

With extra-wide
shoulder vents

so you'll be ready for
action when those commie,

high-heeled chorus boys
accost you in the men's room.
And they will, by God.

Just last week I saw some
watery-eyed little puke face

looking over towards me.

I cold-cocked him, you bet.

That phony Roman collar
didn't fool me.

So men, come on down
and get a free subscription

to Guns-A-Plenty Magazine
when you get one of these
fine queer catcher jackets.

And you, young boys,

you boys between
the ages of 10 and 12,

any time you want to come
and help Uncle Johnny
clean his gun,

I'll be glad to have you.
So long, everybody.

Keep in shape.

ANNOUNCER: And now a word from the College Hygiene Society.

Oh, hi, boys.

Coach Bender here with
another handy hygiene hint.

Now, we all know
that plenty of sleep,

and good fresh vegetables
are all we need to
keep sharp up here,

but what about down there?

Well, let's pull it out
and have a look at it.

This is it.

In His wisdom
he gave it two functions.

The second one is dirty,
so daily cleaning is a must.

Wash it thoroughly,
especially near the beak.

If it becomes excited,

dry it off
and leave it alone.

Never play with it.

Too much handling
will make it vomit.

When you're finished,
put it back where it belongs,

and concentrate on
thoughts of sports or study.

Remember, you control it.

Don't let it control you.

All right, Smith, suit up.
Time for practice.


What's happening here? Home.

Hey, baby,
don't worry about a thing.

I know you hurt right now.
You can't talk to me.

Don't worry about it.
Rock me all night long.

[HUMMING]In startling contrast
to what we've seen so far,

here's a man
who seems to be taking
the earthquake quite well.

Hello there, sir,
and what is your name,

You know my name.

Hey, Mom, it's me, Bob.

Wow. Your hair, it's on fire!

Don't worry about it.
Let me get it for you.Wait! Please...

Oh, wow, you lucky
you have a big Afro there.
Boy, you lucky. Wow.

Hey, but you look
okay now, though.

Hey, what's for dinner, Mom?

Sir, please,
I am not your mother.

I'm a news--
I'm a news reporter.
Television, sir.

Oh, really?Yes.

Hey, that sounds like
an interesting job.

Yes, it is fascinating,
especially now, sir.

And tell me,
what do you do?

Well, I'm a D.A.
That's District Attorney.

Oh, really?Yes, yes, yes.

That's the whole truth,
nothing but the truth,
so help me, Leroy.

Well, how did
the earthquake affect you?

Oh, the earthquake
didn't affect me at all, Mom.
Not at all.

Well...I loved it.
As a matter of fact...

Well, then, how did you
get into this state?

Oh, see, my family
moved here from Duluth.

No, no, no, sir.
You don't understand.

Yes, you was there.
You know about it.

No, no, I mean what--
what was happening to you
when the earthquake struck?

Oh, that, well, see,
I came in to the office.

California Penal Code
will adhere to
the aforementioned

penetration of
the second party, third...

Oh, good morning, Al,
how are you?

Good morning, Bob.
Feeling good.That's good.

What's on
the calendar today?

Well, we've got
a full case load,

and we're due
in court in about,
oh, 15 minutes.

All right, look,
we've got a big day
ahead of us.

We've got to get ready.

You got any dope?

Yeah, check it out, man.Great.

Come on, come on.

Nah, don't have any.

The cleaning woman
'bout knocked me out, man.

Just stole
my last joint, and...

Wait a second,
wait a second,

I think I got
something back here.
Yes, I do.

Bob get ready for
the thrill of your life.

Angel dust!All right.

Come on, my man.
Come over here.

Okay.Let's light this up.

Look out, here we go.Let's go.

Beautiful, beautiful stuff.

Hi, Al.Hey, how are you doing?

Hi, Bobby.How are you doing today?
How are you?

Rough day out there.
What are you guys
up to today?

Well, just smoking
a little angel dust.

Yeah? Angel dust?

Yeah.I haven't seen this shit
in a long time.

All right.

You smoked angel dust?
I didn't know
you were into that.

You guys into poppers at all?

Poppers!Oh, wow!

Wow, baby.All right.

Well, you got some?

Oh, my God,
these are...

Come here.


Oh, my heart.Oh, my Afro.

Oh!Hey, hey, you all right?

Yeah, I think
I'm all right.

I'll be okay.
We'll be able to do it.

Here are the copies of
the third trial you wanted.

Oh, it's our favorite
court reporter.Yes, it is.

Hey, now,
what are you boys doing?

Just popping poppers.

And smoking angel dust.

Well, let me at it.


Hey, you guys
want some Quaaludes?


All right.Let's have them.
Let's have them.

Let's go, come on!

Man, I love Quaaludes.
Especially before sex.


Judge, Judge, Judge.
Good morning, Judge.

JUDGE: Good morning,
good morning.

BOB: Morning, Judge Collins.What a lousy morning!

You know I sent
two guys up for 35 years
and I'm still depressed.


What's so funny?

What's going on here?

We got Quaaludes.

We got poppers.

BOTH: We've got angel dust.


Well, why didn't you say so?


You guys want
some magic mushrooms?Hey, sure.

Well, what the hell!


ALL: ♪ We're gonna
have a party

♪ We're gonna have a party

♪ Let's have a party To the court.

Go get 'em.
Go put 'em away!

Go get 'em,
get 'em, get 'em.Go get 'em.

Oh, man,
I'll tell you something.


Hey, uh, Lieutenant Mann,
what do you think of
the Narco Squad?

Oh, they're great.
They're just great.

We just confiscated 50 kilos
of blond Lebanese hashish.

Would you like to
see the evidence?

Oh, this is terrible.
This is just terrible.

looks like
very good stuff.

What am I gonna
put you down for?

I'll take a pound.Take a pound.

Hey, me, too.All right, put you down
for a pound.


Okay.Hey, Lieutenant,
I'm glad you stopped by here.

We've got this
narcotics case
we've got to try today.

Now, what's the story
with this thing?

Oh, it's just some smart
college kid we busted.

He had two lids of
street dope on him.
That's all.

No jive? Any priors?

Nah, it's his first offense.

All right, let's send
this kid up the river
for five years.

Look, look, let's make
an example out of these kids.

Let's make it 10 years.
What the hell.

That's right, let's go!

All right.
An example out of the kid.
You want some reds?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind
some reds.All right, reds.

Did I hear reds?


Hey, wait a second.
Wait a second, everybody.

What about--
What about the trial?Oh, fuck it.

♪ White punks on dope

♪ White punks on dope

♪ White punks on dope

♪ White punks on dope


♪ White punks on...


One of the biggest problems
in treating survivors
of the earthquake

has been the total
destruction of hospitals,

and so a makeshift
medical center
has been set up here,

and here's one of the doctors

who has been doing
such an heroic job,
Dr. Harvey Holcomb.

[WOMAN CRYING]Uh, Dr. Holcomb,

you're doing just
a wonderful job here.

How many patients
would you say you've
treated so far?

Oh, I would say
about 20,000.

Excuse me, Doctor,
they say there are only about
168 survivors in this area.

Well, that's not my fault.
There were complications.

[WOMAN MOANING]See my attorney.

that will not be necessary.

Oh, good, because,
uh, 'cause I don't have
any malpractice insurance.

[MAN COUGHING]Doctor, they tell me
that until yesterday

you were a practicing
gynecologist. Is that true?Yes, it is.

Well, it must be
quite an experience

for you to be working
on other parts of the body.

Yes, but the examinations
are nearly as interesting.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a very important
operation to take care of.

It looks like
a very unusual case.

And here he comes
right now.

Good heavens,
I would say so.
Excuse me, sir.

What-- What in heaven's name
happened to you?

I don't know.

One minute, I was going
to the toilet and then
the earthquake hit

and the next minute
I was the toilet.

Well, we'll have to
have this lanced.Yes, please.

Nurse, nurse, come over here.

Let's take...
You better take care of
him right now.

And, uh, yes.


Hey, hey, hey,
pretty powerful pud
you're packing there, partner.

Hey, hey, hey,
how's that hammer hangin',

Hey, hey, hey,

I bet that's
the tallest tallywhacker
in the Tri-State Area.

Hey, hey, hey,
I bet they call you King Dong.

Hey, hey, hey.

You peed on your leg.

That's all, folks.


I'll be with you folks
in a second,
I only have two hands,

which is more than
I can say for you.

One of the incredible things
about the people I've met here

is that they've been able
to come through
this horrifying experience

with a realistic
and level-headed manner.

And here's
another survivor,
right here.

Hello, how many in your party?

Well, it's just one of me.One for lunch.

If you'd be seated,
we have a nice table
right here.

Our earthquake special today
is scrambled eggs.

No, I--I don't want any, uh...Perhaps a nice tossed salad?

No, I really don't care for...Perhaps a milk shake?

Please, I'm not here to eat.

Oh, you're not.
Oh, we're gonna have to
clear this table then, sir.

We're expecting
quite a heavy luncheon crowd.

No, please.
You don't understand.
I'm with Channel 8,

and we're interviewing
the survivors
of the earthquake.

Oh, could I have
an autographed 8 by 10.

I'd love to put one
up on my wall,
if I can ever find it.

I'll be very happy
to send you one
a little later.

Uh, but could you tell me
right now, where were you
when the earthquake struck?

Uh, the earthquake.
As I recall,
I was here in my diner.

It was late at night
and there weren't
many people,

and we were just about
getting ready to close

and I remember
my chef said to me...

Hey, Danny.Hmm?

It's like a morgue
in here tonight.
Do you want to close up?

Ah, I hate like hell
to close up this early
on a Saturday night.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Hey, wait a second,
I see some headlights
coming down the highway.

Maybe they'll pull in here.He's got to.
I put up the barricade.

Good thinking.
Yeah here he comes.I'll go get him.

Drag him in.Yeah.

[BELL RINGING]This way, sir.
Danny, customer.

Good evening, sir.
Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like a hamburger.Fine, do you have
a reservation?

No, um, I'll just
go down the road.

Perhaps we can accommodate
you. Let me check
with our maitre d'. Michael?


Customer for seating
at the front station here.Oh! Oh!

Excuse me. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. Can I help you?

Uh, I'd like a hamburger.I see, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

No, uh...No reservation here.

How many in your party
this evening, sir?

Just myself.

Table for one
at this late notice,

that's going to be
rather difficult.

I'd like to keep
the counter area open
if I could.

I'd like to keep
that area clear.

I'd like to keep
this whole section open,
if possible.

Could we squeeze him
into table number one,
just temporarily?

It's up to you, Danny,
you're the boss.Okay, yeah.

All right, fine. Sir, would
you step this way please. And,
oh, please sir, one second.

Before you enter
our dining room,
I must inform you,

we have a very strict
jacket-and-tie policy
here at Danny's.

Oh, that's all right,
I'll just go down the road.

That's quite all right, sir,
we have a house coat here
for you

just for such an occasion.
We want you
to look like a gentleman.

There we go.
That's one of
our finest coats.

Thank you, Guido.
Danny, how's that?

Hundred percent improvement.
It keeps
the riff raff out, sir.

You'll be
more comfortable and
we'll be more comfortable.

Sir, if you'll step this way,
Danny will seat you
in our dining room.

Thank you, sir.

Will you be ordering
from our wine list
this evening?

No, I just want a hamburger.A hamburger.

Would you allow me
to choose a wine

that I think might compliment
that very nicely?

You know, Danny,
I think the Bourgeois '73
might be very nice.

An excellent suggestion.
Allow me to check our stock.All right, fine.

All right, sir,
what would you like
to start with?

A hamburger. La hamburger ordinaire.

An excellent choice, sir.

I will have to rush
this order in because,
as you may or may not know,

there's no serving
during the show.Show?


Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Danny's
on the Turnpike.

Sit back and relax
and let us say hello!

♪ Hello, hello, hello

♪ What a wonderful word

♪ Hello

♪ Hello, hello, hello

♪ You can hear it
wherever you go

♪ A stranger in a strange town finds it dreary

♪ But when you're here at Danny's, it's cheery

♪ So, hello, hello, hello

♪ What a wonderful word, hello

Now, everybody.

♪ Hello, hello, hello

I can't hear you.

♪ What a wonderful word, hello

You can sing louder than that.

♪ Hello, hello, hello

You can hear it
wherever you go.

♪ You can hear it
wherever you go

Now you.

♪ A stranger
in a strange town...

♪ But when you're here
at Danny's, it's cheery

♪ So, hello, hello, hello

♪ What a wonderful word,
hello ♪

Yes, hello and welcome
to Danny's on the Turnpike.

We have a whale of a show
lined up for you tonight.

A little later
on our fantastic door prize.

Every night
guaranteed a winner.

Right now,
as I look around the room,
I see a lot of old friends

who have stopped by
and I want to say hi,

and I know
you are saying hi to us.

Also, as I look around,
I think I see some newcomers.

Some people spending their
first evening with us here
at Danny's on the Turnpike.

Let's see the out-of-towners.
Who's come from furthest away?

Any out-of-towners out there?
Hold your hands up.

Oh, let me pick one at random.
Where are you from, sir?

Cincinnati.Cincinnati, Ohio.

Anyone further west of
the Mississippi, California,
Alaska, the Virgin Islands!

Well, wherever you're from,
wherever you're going,
in the future,

make Danny's your home
away from home.

Right now it is show time,
so without further ado,
let's bring out a man

who learned his craft
in the Far East and in India

where he found the secret
of probing men's minds.

Call it ESP,
call it black magic,

we call it
pure downright entertainment.

Meet and greet the man
who sees all and knows all,
Dr. Obvioso!

Thank you very much,
and good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

For my first feat of ESP
tonight I will need
a volunteer from the audience.

I have a gentleman right here
this evening, Doctor.Thank you very much, Danny.

Sir, I'm going to ask you
to concentrate
carefully, please.

Sir, you seem to have
an emotional problem that's
been bothering you lately.

Does the name Ruth
mean anything to you?No.

How about the number 21?No.

Sir, do the initials R.M.
mean anything to you?No.

The initials C.B.T.?No.

The initials K.L.L.?No.

Sir, have you ever seen me
before? Have we ever met?No.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Dr. Obvioso,
ladies and gentlemen.
Dr. Obvioso.

Let's bring him back on
for another round of applause.

Dr. Obvioso.
He sees all and knows all.

Whoo, that is seven nights
a week.
I don't know how he does it.

Let's slow down the pace,
shall we?

Each and every customer
coming here tonight
received a guest check.

In the upper left hand corner
there is a lucky number,

a corresponding number
has been put on a ticket

and dropped
into our lucky fish bowl.

Tonight one of our guests is
going to receive a roundtrip
for two to Honolulu, Hawaii,

$2,500 in spending cash
and a 25-inch
color television set.

And what is
our bonus prize tonight?It's the Vega, Danny.

So hold on
to that lucky ticket
as round and round we go

and where we stop
nobody knows.

And here's tonight's winner,
number 24765.

Number 24765.

I have number 1.Number 24765.
Do we have a winner?

No winner tonight!
What a disappointment.

That disappoints us
more than it disappoints you.

But hold on
to that lucky ticket

'cause even though you have
not won tonight, you are still
eligible in future drawings.

Right now, it is star time.
So, without further ado,
sit back, relax,

put your hands together
and meet and greet
the comedy star of our show,

Jackie "Are You Having Fun"

Hey, are you having fun?

♪ She's got the son
in the morning
and the father at night ♪

Hey. You look like
a terrific crowd tonight.

I hope
you're in the mood to laugh.

I want to tell you,

I just want to tell you,
I, uh,

I just got back from a smash
two-week engagement

at the Route 62 Diner
in Atlantic City, New Jersey,

where I was held over
for a couple of weeks,

but I don't want
to get into that now.

I want to tell you
about the first two days
I was there.

I wasn't feeling too good,
so I went to a doctor.

I said "Doc, Doc, it hurts me
every time I do this."

He said, "So don't do that."

[DRUM ROLL]He said,
"You ever had it before?"

I said, "Yeah."
He said, "You got it again."

All right.
Hey, you having fun?

Come on, folks,
I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.

Hey, Danny,
is this microphone on?

Is that an audience
or an oil painting?
These are the jokes.

I went to an another doctor
the week before
and I told him my problem.

He said,
"Sir, you don't understand,
I'm an animal doctor."

I said,
"Doc, you don't understand,
it's not me, it's my wife."


I don't want to say
my wife is fat,

but when she sits
around the house,
she sits around the house!


What's your problem, sir,
you don't like comedy?

All I want is a hamburger.

Yeah, and all I want
is a couple of laughs,
you rat bastard.

Come on, you want to come out
in the parking lot
with me, huh?

You've been on my back
this whole show.

You don't want
to see me go over, huh?


Danny, Danny,
I got two more jokes.We have enjoyed your show.

Jackie, it's...
Jackie, it's time...

Wait, let me do it!It's time to say goodnight!

Hey, you've been
a wonderful audience.
God bless you. Good night.

Are you having fun?

Jackie Sunshine,
ladies and gentlemen!

Let's bring him back on
for another round of applause.

Jackie Sunshine.
Thank you very much.

Thank you very much,
and, ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for coming.

If you've enjoyed yourself,
tell your friends,
if not, tell us. Drive safely.

The life you save
may be your own.

And if your wife
is driving you to drink,

ask her to drive you
to Danny's on the Turnpike.
Thank you.

Good luck and good night.

Uh, you want to pay
your check, sir? We're
running a little overtime.

I didn't get my hamburger.

Can we have the gentlemen's
food order? He seems to be
in quite a rush here.

Here you are, sir,
and your check.The check, the check, Danny.


$39.95? For what?

Food charge, beverage charge,
and always a cover charge
at Danny's on the Turnpike.

Thank you.
And a gratuity
for the waiter.

Hey, here are the keys
to your car.
That'll be, uh, 12 bucks.

12 bucks for what?I had to change your oil!

I didn't ask you
to change my oil.

Hey, hey, hey,
hit the road toad, come on!

Spotted that guy
as a troublemaker
the moment he came in here.

Yeah, must be a full moon
out tonight, huh?

we get all kinds in here
on a Saturday night.

♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ I'm proud
to be an American ♪

[SIREN WAILING]Hello, Barbie Halters here
with more bad news.

Well, we've got reports
that 5,00,000 Orientals,

apparently from
the People's Republic
of China,

have surfaced in an area
once known as Bakersfield.

Scientists theorize that
the shift in the Earth's crust

has sent Shanghai
to Bakersfield in what may be

the biggest Chinese
take-out in history.

Well, Barbie Halters here,
still in the midst of it.

More of our special report
in just a moment

after these important
commercial messages.


Hi there, gear jammers.


How's the old highway
treating you, huh?

Ramblin' Ralph, here.

Here to tell you
about something new.

It's Big Didy,

the modern he-man's way
to take care
of sanitary needs.

Hey, listen up, babycakes.

Who wants to go to
a filthy gas station
restroom, huh?

Or a bus terminal john
full of prying eyes
and pay toilets? Oh, no.

No more dime-a-dance
for this baby.

I answer nature's big,
two-hearted call when I want,

where I want,
ridin' along in my semi,
out in the woods,

standin' in line
for fight tickets.

I never have to worry
about the big ET,

Eliminative Tension,

forcing me to miss
part of the action.

Now, hey,

I know what you're thinkin'.

When I first told
my huntin' buddies about it,

they pooh-poohed
the idea, too.

But now they all wear 'em.

So take it from me,
Ramblin' Ralph.

Wear Big Didy.

Be your own man
and go your own way.

MALE NARRATOR: Big Didy. Just $7.98. Available at fine truck stops everywhere.

Extra, Governor kills Bill,
his lover. Extra.

Hey, uh, Miss, can I have
one of those papers, please?

There you go.Thank you...

Uh, excuse me, Miss,
but this--this paper
is blank.

There's no writing on it.

[SIREN WAILING]What do you expect?

The press was destroyed.
All the reporters
are missing.

I'm the only one
from the paper left.

Well, then,
why in heaven's name
are you selling newspapers?

Well, the people have
a right to know.

It's our First
Amendmental right to say
what we want freely.

Why if this had happened
in Russia, no one would have
known what happened.

Of course not,
they all speak Russian
over there.

What are you, a communist?

No, I'm a columnist,
and that's why
I'm a television reporter

because that's the way
we tell people the real truth.

TV news?That's right.

You call that truth?
What a joke.

You can't compare TV news
to a newspaper.

Why, you can't even
wrap fish in your news.

Well, our news smells
as bad as yours does

And you don't even
have a classified, do you?

No, we don't
have a classified. But
we don't need a classified.

The truth is there
for people to see.

Well, before the earthquake,
we had a classified.

Probably the best classified
in the world.


Oh, God. God.
I can't believe this. I...

Well... No.

I do not believe this,
I will not believe this,
I cannot believe this.

Hello, Louise, yes.

Did that rock and roll
promoter ever arrive?

How many rock and roll
promoters do I know?

The one who's gonna
take out the full-page ad?

Did he ever show up?
I'll bet he didn't.
Oh, he did.

Will you please tell him
that he's eight minutes late
by my watch?

And my watch
is ten minutes fast.

Thank you, dear,
and send him in.
I don't know...

Have him figure it out.
Just send him in, will you?

These people either show up
or they don't show up

or they show up
or they don't show up

or they show up
or they don't show up.

Great. Hey, we'll have lunch,
all right?

They show up or they...

Mr. Hickenlooper.How do you do?
Yes, I'm Mr. Hickenlooper.

Terry Luft.Terry Luft.

Conquest Concerts.Pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
We've done business
with your paper before,

but we're doing something
a little special now.

I want to talk to you
about it personally.Oh, yeah.

In the nature of a Super Jam
out at the Big O.

The Big O? What is that?
Winchell's donuts?

You're new out here, huh?

Okay, now look. Super Jam,
it really, when I say that,

that's what I mean,
because there's not gonna be
any opening acts, headliners,

none of that crapola. You know
what I'm talking about.

Okay, there's just gonna
be three headliners,
three super groups.

Fine. As long as
they're all...
Headliners are all...

Equal billing.
Equal billing.Equal billing. Fine with me.

Why don't we just
list them in the order
they appear, huh?

Make it easy for everyone.

Dynamite.Aw, wonderful. Okay.

Let's start with
the first act. Shall we?Fine.

Okay. Who's on first?

Look, if--if my girl
already called you with
the information, you know,

I'm wasting my time
being here. I could be
booking Sly, you know,

That's right.

That's right.

That's wrong.That's wrong?

That's wrong.That's wrong.

Fine, that's wrong.

Hey, I--I like that.Mr. Hickenlooper?

It's not "that's right."
It's not "that's wrong."

Well, then who's on first?Who's on first.

Who is on first?Who is on first.

Who? Who?Who. Who!

Who's on first?

That's right.That's right!

I've got that down here.Look, Mr. Hickenlooper.

You go into
Ontario Motor Speedway,

you sit down,
the man comes out on stage,

he takes the microphone
and he says,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

"Conquest Concerts is proud
to present Who."Who?

That's right.That's right!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Here's a suggestion.
I have a suggestion.Fine.

Why don't we start
with the second act

and then we'll go back.
We can go back.

That's fine with me, sir.
Fine with me.Fine, fine.

I happen to be double-parked
outside, you know.All right.

Well, then...I can afford the ticket,
but let's move on.

I'm sorry. Okay. Um...

Who... Uh... Um...

What's the name
of the second act?Guess Who.

Uh... Uh...Guess Who.

Uh, the Ding-a-ling Sisters.The Ding-a-ling Sisters?

First of all,
they're not even sisters.

But more importantly,
we're talking about
big time rock and roll!

Guess Who!I can't guess who!

You don't have to guess who!Then I won't guess who.

So don't guess who!All right!

All right!All right!

Glad to see that
we--we do see eye to eye
on something.

I'll tell you something,
Mr. Hickenlooper,

I didn't have
this much trouble
with the Free Press.

Oh. Well, I didn't have
this much trouble with
the Music Center

and they put on Rigoletto
one year.

Well, that's four acts.

I don't count the acts.
I listen to the music.

All right,
let's just move on
to the third act.

I don't know why
I didn't suggest this
to begin with.

We'll start with the third,
we can always go back.

Fine with me. Fine with me.All right.


Will you please tell me

the name of the third act?




Let me see
a proof of that ad

by Wednesday,
we'll be in business.Wait a minute! Come back here!

I asked you
to tell me the name
of the third act!

I told you
the name of the third act.

You want me to tell you again?Yes!

That's right!That's right's on first.

Who's on first!
Guess Who's on second
and the third act...


That's right!I know!



MALE REPORTER: Throughout the United States relatives of quake victims

are receiving the bad news.

Knock, knock.Who's there?

It's the mailman.

The mailman, who?

Come on, mister,
you can't joke with
a Federal employee.

Oh, I--I thought that
was only at the, uh, airport.

It's all over. You wanna--
you wanna to sign right here,

Please, Mr. Stale.Staahl.

Yeah. Sign it. I got
a package for you.Oh?

It's your dead brother.

Oh, my God,
it's my dead brother Eddie.

What an inconvenience.

What about his coffin?

Looks terrible.

I don't hear any coughin'.

Look it, wise guy,
you ruined
a good piece of wood.

Now you just take him
and put him in something.Hold it.

I don't have an envelope
big enough for him, mister.
You keep him!

I don't want to touch him.
Why don't you do
what they always do?

Put him
in the dead letter file.

Listen. I wash my hands
of this whole thing, mister.
Now do something with him.

What am I suppose to do
with, uh, with a stiff
around a house?

Well, be creative.
Here, leave him
out in the front.

Use him as a--
as a lawn jockey. There.

That looks disgusting.
Have you no respect?

Well, uh, put a smile
on his face, then. There.

That is not what I'm
talking about. He's got to
get to a cemetery, that's it.

Let him get there on his own.

I'm tired of this guy.STAAHL: Just a minute.
Can I talk to you?


♪ What do you want from life

♪ To kidnap an heiress

♪ Or threaten her with a knife

♪ What do you want from life

♪ To get cable TV

♪ And watch it every night

♪ There you sit
a lump in your chair

♪ Where do you sleep
and what do you wear
when you're sleeping

♪ What do you want from life

♪ An Indian guru to show you the inner light

♪ What do you want from life

♪ A meaningless love affair with a girl that you met tonight

♪ How can you tell when you're doin' all right

♪ Does your bank account swell while you're dreaming at night

♪ How do know when you're really in love

♪ Do violins play when you're touching the one

♪ That you're loving

♪ What do you want from life

♪ Someone to love
and somebody
you can trust

♪ What do you want from life


♪ What do you want from life

And what is your name, sir?

Hey, where'd
you come from?

Yeah, uh, my name is
Anthony Francis Fligella.

Uh, huh.But you can call me Tony.
Watch that, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.All my friends, that's what
they call me, you know,

at least that's what
they used to call me.

They're not calling me
nothing no more.

They're all 20 feet under,
if you know what I mean.

Yes, I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, my wife, uh,
my wife was the only one
who ever called me Anthony.

Oh, really?Yeah, but she's, uh,
she's gone now, too.

I'm sorry to hear that.Hey, hey, come on what did
I tell you about that?

No, no, no, it's actually
the second best thing
that ever happened to me.

Oh, really?
What was the first best thing?

Her mother got killed, too.

Sir, that is a very ugly joke.

She was a very ugly woman.

Well, were you with your wife
when the earthquake struck?

Boy, you ask a lot of
questions, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I was
in the furniture showroom
over there.

You know, Rosemary was,
uh, jumping up and down
on the bed, the animal.

I told her, take your
shoes off, Rosemary,
you going to try out a bed,

you take your shoes off.She was jumping
up and down?

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Buttinsky,
yeah, jumping up and down.

She was trying it out.
I was in the other room
with the furniture guy.

I was talking to him about
buying a new, uh,
you know, uh, thing there.

SALESMAN: Excuse me,
Mr. Hard-On, I...

Now, just a moment.
My name is Hardon.

It's a French name,
the "O" is soft.

Well, there's a customer
out there now,
a couple of them.

They've been here
for a couple of hours.

Have you attempted to
sell them?

[STUTTERING] Yes, I attempted,
but they're not buying,

I can't send them out.
They were here 12 years ago.
They bought from us.

He's an old customer?
Is this his dossier?Yes.

Let me see, which one is he?Right--Right over here.

They bought the, uh,
honeymoon bedroom set,
12 pieces, $69.95.

Of course, we don't even
make the bed that small

He's got a tiny bed,
a tiny dresser.
Is he still married?

Does he have a family?
Is he expanding?
He needs bigger furniture!

Yes. Right.

Send him in here.
I'll do the selling.

I'll give you a lesson
in salesmanship.All right. I'll get him.

Just send him
in here immediately.

Seems I have to have my nose
against the grindstone
24 hours a day in here.

My boss wants to speak to you.ANTHONY: Oh, yeah?

Hey, Rosemary,
I'm going in here to
talk to this guy for a second.

Jump on the other bed.
Take your shoes off,
you animal.

I'll be right out.

Ah, that's my boss,
Mr. Hard-On.Thank you, Mr. Fuchs.

Hello, welcome to
Furniture City.

Hey, how are you?I pride myself
in never forgetting a face,

but would you give me
your name, please?

What's the matter,
don't you like your own?

Hey, that's
a little joke.
"Don't you like your own?"

I enjoy a joke as well as
the next man,
but, for business purposes,

would you tell me your name?

My name is
Anthony Francis Fligella.

Mr. Fligella, I thought so,
I recognized you in a minute.

Anthony Francis, huh?
Do your friends kid you a lot
about being named Francis?

They use to.

They don't anymore.

Of course, then I'll just
call you Tony.

Hey, I like that.
You know...

"Hi, Tony!"Hi, Tony.

Hey, hi, Mr. Hard-On.

No, no, Mr. Fligella, please.It says on the door, Hard-On.

Forget what it says
on the door.

Never seen a Hardon
hanging on a door before.Mr. Fligella...

Just swinging in and out
there all day long, huh?

A swinging Hard-On.Yes, Mr. Fligella, thank you.

Now you are what we know
in the business
as an old friend.

Is that what I am?And we have a saying
which says,

"Old friends mean new sales,
and that's what
friends are for."

You said it right there.And isn't that true?

You came to us 12 years ago,
you had just been married,

and you bought
a fine honeymoon bedroom set.

Yeah, that's right,
you know that, huh?Yes.

And I remember
your lovely wife.
Her name escapes me, uh...


Hey, that's pretty good.
Thank you.A lovely woman.

Are you still married
to the same...Same old bag.

She's outside
jumping on the furniture.

The honeymoon is over,
isn't it?It was over 12 years ago.

We can't live with them,
we can't live without them.
Can we?

You know,
can I be frank with you?Sure, Frank.

Frank Hard-On, huh?
Strange name, Frank.

Uh, Tony, I'm afraid
you misconstrued me.

Hey, I never touched you.Oh, please,

I do not come down here to
be made a jackass out of.

No, where do you go?Mr. Fligella,
I beg your pardon.

I'm a business man.
A very busy man.

And I do not approve
of your jocularity.

Now, uh,
what I'm trying to say...

Does it show through here,
I just got them last week
and I, uh...

I'm afraid you are
very close to an idiot.

Hey, I'd better
move away then, huh?

Do you want to carry on
a conversation with me
or not, Mr. Fligella?

Hey, you called me
in here. Sorry.All right.

Now, uh, do you know
where the problem starts
in a marriage?

Where the problem...It starts in the bedroom,
Mr. Fligella.

That's the place.
You're right.On the wedding bed.

On the connubial couch.On the old conubo.

Now you've been married
12 years, I've been married
about that length of time.

No kidding?

How's your bag?Pardon?

I said, Mrs. Hardon?

Mrs. Hardon, yes,
a lovely woman.
I'm proud of her.

She stands behind me
in everything I do.

I bet she does.But the point
I'm getting to is,

um, if yours, after 12 years,
is anything like mine,

it's starting to lose
some of its firmness,

starting to slunk
a little in the middle.

Starting to a slump
and, uh... Am I right?

Slump in the middle?Yes.

Starting to sag just a bit.

It happens with
the passage of time.You, uh...

You been talking to my wife?No, no, no.

Now the thing is,
do you every turn yours
over from time to time.

Use it on both sides?

Turn it over?Mmm-hmm. It keeps it
from getting very lumpy.

Also, does your wife ever
take it out in the backyard

and throw it over
the clothesline and give it
a good hard beating?

Just whip the devil out of it!Over the clothesline?

It's good for the circulation.

Does your wife do that?

Well, no. We have a women,
comes in once
every other week and does it.

Yeah, well,
you're a sales manager,
you can afford it.

Now, you know what you can do,
Tony?What's that?

If I can talk to you
man to man.

One thing you could do,
you could put a little board
underneath of yours.

Put a little board under it?Yes, your wife doesn't
even have to know it's there.

I'm going to put a board
under it. And she's not
going to know it's there?

Of course. No, no.You must know my wife.

But the point is, that's
going to help her,
it's going to help you,

it's not going to help me.I don't think so.

Now, you know,
forget about size.

I should forget about size.Size is not important.

Now, of course, you may think
I'm a hypocrite. As you may
or may not know,

I have a super king size one.

Well, you're a big man.Well, it's not so much for me.

My wife gets more of
a kick out of it than I do.

Oh, I bet she does.Every Wednesday night
her bridge club comes over.

She takes the ladies upstairs
and throws open
the bedroom door and says,

"Look at that.
Isn't it a beauty?""Isn't it a beauty?"

I say, "Dear, could you
at least throw a sheet or
a cover over it or something?"

A big spread, or something.I think I have
a photograph of it.

Maybe you'd like...That's all right,
I'd rather not see it

if you don't mind.Ah, as a matter of fact,
it was in our

showroom window
over the holidays.It was in your window, huh?

Yes. Well, we had a Santa
Claus and eight tiny reindeer
running down the center of it.

Yeah, yeah, bet you
were going to hang some
cookies from it, too.

That's a wonderful thought.
We hung a wreath with...

All right, look mister, uh...

I was afraid the cookies
would attract mice.Ah, yeah, look...

Now, the thing is, I wouldn't
be a bit surprised if
your wife didn't come by

In the window? She...Yes, of course.

I'm going to kill her.Hey, no, wait a minute, wait!

Let's keep this between
you and myself.

Ah, you know,
forget about length.
That's what I'm trying to say.

I should forget about length?Yes.

Concentrate on width.Width. Okay.

A man like yourself,
I would say, would maybe need
another eight, 10, 12 inches.

Just another foot in width
and that could solve
a lot of your problems.

Just another foot in width
and that's going to
solve all my problems?

Yes, of course, yes, yes.Just another foot.

I had a friend who had very,
uh, two very narrow ones.

Two narrow ones?Two very narrow ones, yes.

And it was driving his
wife crazy.

Oh, I'm sure, she didn't know
which way to turn.

No, and funny, she said,
"What's wrong with us, why
don't we slide them together

"at night and make
one large wide one?"Yeah, sure.

Now, you, uh... He was
a circus performer.I bet he was.

Does he work in a sideshow?I'm not sure.

You know, you look
more to me like
the queen size.

Now what's that
supposed to mean?

Well, I happen to know
you have one of
the smallest ones in the city.

You been talking to my wife...No, no, it's written here
in our pamphlet

that goes out to 150 cities
around the country.

You got that written
in your pamphlet?

What are you putting
stuff like that
in the pamphlet for?

Let's look ahead.
How can we...Let's see.

No, wait a second, now,
I want to ask you something.

You... Do you...
Are you familiar with
this Hugh Hefner?

Hugh, who?He publishes Playboymagazine.

Oh, the guy with the bunnies.Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sure, I read that,
hey, come on.Well, who doesn't?

We're all guys, right?He has a round one.

Oh, well, I've got
a round one. Yeah.Do you really?

Does yours rotate
all night long?

If I want it to.Oh.

Could I ask you something.
Do you plug yours in
or do you operate it by hand?

Well, I like to start it
by hand and then plug it in.Mmm-hmm.

No energy shortage
in your house, is there?No, sir.

A lot of my friends have
theirs filled with water.

Mine's filled with water.Is it?

From time to time.

Well, does it ever spring
a leak in the middle
of the night?

Well, occasionally.

That can be dangerous.
You flood the floor and
the apartment downstairs...

Hey, not that much.

Your wife can't
jump up and down on it
in those stack heels, can she?

Well, um, you know,
it's complicated, isn't it?

Yeah.Remember the good old days?
Were you in the Armed Forces?

Sure.Who worried about those
complicated things?

You got up in the morning,
you rolled it up
into a tight little roll,

you threw it on your
shoulders and took off
on a hike. Remember?

You and I were
in different armies.

But we served, didn't we?Keep your hands off me.

I'm going to ask you a very
personal question, Tony.What's that?

How many rooms in your house?

Counting the bathroom?Yes.

One and a half.One and a half?

Yeah.Have you considered having
a foldaway?

A foldaway.A foldaway.

What you do when you're done
with it, is you just--just
slam it into the wall.

Just slam it in the wall?Of course,
and it's out of sight.

And the beautiful part
about it is your friends say,

"I know he's got one,
but where does he keep it?"

He's jamming it in the wall!
That's what he's doing!

Of course. One more question,
then we should go out
in the front

and look at some stock.Oh, yeah?

Urn, have you considered
having a spare?A spare?

Yes. I imagine
at the present time
you only have one.

Yeah, I only got one.
What do I look like?

Well, a man in your position
should have more than one.

You have friends coming over
to spend the weekend?

Your wife, Rosemary,
I believe she has
a very lovely sister.

Is that right?Yeah, you know it.
She's beautiful.

If your sister-in-law
comes to spend the weekend,

do you want her to have to
use the same one
your wife has been using?

Why the hell not?
She has been
all these years.

Let's go outside.
I have a salesman...

Both go out there?
I don't want to...

I think he's showing it now.Yeah, I bet you he is.

He shows it to my wife,
I'll kill him.

Goodbye, Ramon!
Don't forget to write!

ANNOUNCER: Here is former astronaut, Bruce "Tushie" Smith for GayAmericard.

I wouldn't leave home
without it.

You can buy everything,
shoes, hats, gloves,
accessories, bag,

stiletto heels, harness,
Crisco, rubber goods...

I wouldn't cook without
Crisco. So don't forget,
get your GayAmericard today!

ANNOUNCER: GayAmericard.
Never leave the closet
without it!

This week on theIllegal
Alien Variety Hour,

the gang sings
a musical tribute to
highway fatalities!

♪ Oh, I can't afford
the fancy rings

♪ The CBs truckers own

♪ Yeah, all I got's
a pregnant wife,
three kids... ♪

ANNOUNCER: With special guest, Vietnamese comedienne, Kiamoco Wang.

"I'm most happy
with grades at UCLA,

"but most distressed at news
dating Jewish boy."

And Horny say, "Papa,
what schmucktold you that?"

♪ Hello, world

♪ This here's a wrong number

♪ Hello, world

♪ This here's a wrong number

ANNOUNCER: It's theIllegal Alien Variety Hour,

Sundays at 8,
7:00 Central.

The scenes of human suffering,

awesome destruction and acts
of total desperation that
this reporter has witnessed

has affected him deeply.

Food... Food...
Give me food...

Oh, you filthy man,
I told you to
get away from me.

Keep this man off the set
while we're filming here,

You know,
the real irony is that

the stories I've heard are
the kind of tales
that the victims of the quake

would've liked to have
told their grandchildren

if they or their grandchildren
had survived.

...but you forgot these.

Good heavens,
ladies and gentlemen,
another survivor!

What are you doing
in my bedroom?

Everything is all right,

Where is my bedroom?

It's all right, you survived
a terrible earthquake.

My TV set's gone.That's all right. You're
on television right now.

Oh! Oh... Oh, uh...

Gee, I must look terrible.

No, you look fine.
Just tell us what happened
to you during the earthquake.

Listen, have you seen anybody
who looks like this?

Well, I'm-- I'm afraid
we need more of a description
than that to find someone.

Blond hair.
He was about this tall.

Oh, I don't...
Was this person
close to you?

Oh, yes.
He--He was very close to me.

He'd come over to see me.Yes.

Well, we were-- we were
on his bed.Oh, really?

Yes, we... As a matter
of fact, after a while,
we got on to the bed.

We were just...
We were just sort of
having a romantic interlude.

I understand.

The kind between two people
who are just meeting
for the first time

and yet have known each other
for a long time.

Do you know what I'm saying?

That wonderful, crazy,
let-go-of-yourself feeling.

Mmm, yes, yes.


Oh, yes, that's the stuff.


Oh... Yeah... Oh... Oh...

Tom Snyder.

Over there. Tom Snyder.
Turn it on.Where? On the television.

In the background,
I like it. Hmm.

It's on.

Cover his face with a towel.

A towel?Yes, just his voice.

TOM: Good morning, everybody, and welcome to...Yeah...



All right.

Come at me,

We're been joined this morning
by two guests,

only one of whom was
originally scheduled
to be with us this morning.

And I think that discrepancy,
if you will,

deserves some explanation
here at the outset.

Mr. Carl Adler
is a Cuban refugee

and a former field operative
with the Central Intelligence
Agency down in Miami.

He was originally
scheduled to be with us
a week from Thursday

until he got some information
from sources of his
down in Florida

that he was scheduled
to be killed by the CIA
within the next six days

and he asked if he could be
squeezed in here this morning
and, of course, we agreed.


What was your job at the CIA?
What were you, sir, chief
bottle washer or what?

I... I... Uh...
No, I was not a bottle washer.

Just, see, there is
the system inside CIA

whereby all our deadly poison

are sent to our agents
in the field
through the mail.

In this whole structure,
this complicated scenario,

what was
your specific function, sir?

I was the poison tester.Okay.



What's wrong?

Uh, you don't know?No. What?

Well, I'm feeling
a little, um,

kind of a lot, uh,
sort of impotent, you know.


ADLER: I should
live so long. I should.

No big thing.

Gee, this has never
happened to me before.Me, neither.

Really, except once
when I was in high school

and I was puking then anyway,
so it doesn't count.

Sir, I gotta ask you,
how come you are sitting here

in front of 5,
or if we're lucky,
6.2 million people

if you're under that
kind of a death threat?

How come you are not home
or--or in hiding

or at least getting yourself
a better disguise?

Well, I have asked myself
the same question, Tom,

over and over and over
and over,

and I have always
come up to myself
with the same answer.

Yes, sir.You know, Tom, I was
not born in this country.

I didn't know that, sir.I'm what they call
a nationalized citizen.

Yes, sir.

And, uh, and so
I feel I owe it to the people
of this country

to tell them what I know
so they can wake up
with their eyes open.

All right, well, I don't think
we can argue with that.

I think we could all use
a little waking up.
Eyes open, eyes closed,

at 1:00 in the morning,
what's the difference?

Sir, what do you know?

I know the names of
the key people involved

in the political murders


It's me, isn't it?No, it's obviously me.

No, it's-- it's me.

Ooh, I look terrible.

Now look, it's me.

It's just a simple matter
of masculine will power,

that's all it is, huh.

...which is really
just another way of saying
more open-minded.

TOM: Okay.We all have
our little prejudices.

I--I--I don't like Negroes.Okay.

Don't you worry, huh, baby.
I'll take care of this.

Okay.Ready? Watch this.



What the heck was so important
about being here
this particular morning?

What was the big deal, sir?

Well, it actually is
kind of a big deal, Tom,

in--in my field and...How big is it, sir?


Pretty darn big, really, Tom.

Uh...Just a second.


Well, Kozitsky says, Tom,
that the pyramids, uh,
the Egyptian pyramids

as well as Mexican
and Aztec pyramids...The pyramids.

The pyramids. All pyramids
were constructed here
by visitors from outer space

so that they would always
have a place to eat
when they were on this planet.

The first question to
occur to me about this
luncheonette from outer space

or whatever
you want to call it...Why not?

Were people
sitting in there
ordering from menus, sir,

or was it being done
cafeteria style?


What's that?

[EXCLAIMS] Neighbors!

The neighbors again!
Those fools.Peeping Toms!

He's looking for more?
Come here, big boy come here.
Give it to me.


Oh, ignore 'em,
they always want to see
some action.


Fools. Oh, you fool,
hurry, you fool.
You know you want it.

You want it as much
as I want it.

I want it like
I've never wanted it


Oh, boy.
Boing, boing, boing.


They are all part
of a plan by CIA.

There is that name again.

CIA to program
the population
of this country

by the invasion
by the Martians.

Chris, Chris, where are you?I'm hiding!

What're you doing down there?Hiding.


Now listen, big boy.


Hey, hi, there,
smoky eyes.

Kind of sexy down here, huh?I like it. I like it fine.

Come here, you idiot.
Give it to me.

I mean, nowadays,
everybody wants to see
the smoking gun, don't they?

[MOANING] Oh, yes!

We got to put the lid
on it right here

and now, we live under
the tyranny of the clock,
if no other.

It's been fun.
We'll have you back
in a couple of months,

do it all over...I only got six days.

Sir, I only got six seconds.
Thank you both
for being with us.

And now for all the people
who worked the late,
late shift,

here in the heart
of New York City,

thank you and
good night, everybody.


♪ I'm proud to be an American

♪ Because we got
department stores
full of cheap guitars

♪ But when Sputnik plays 'em, you just go, go, go, go ♪

[SIRENS WAILING]Hello. Barbie Halters here
with a view of the bad news.

Well, it seems that people
have remained remarkably calm
during this terrible disaster.

However, I have noticed that
sexual mores were swallowed up
when the Earth opened.

I've even heard reports that
grown men are going about

dressed and
talking like women.

We'll be back with more
of our special report
after this commercial.

We should discuss
some good shit.

No, man, there hasn't been
any shit around
in a long time.

No shit around?
We looked here for shit.
We looked there for shit.

I'd love to smoke some
good shit, I'll tell you.There's no shit in town.

Shit. Shit.

Hey, guys.Hey.

Hey, want to smoke
some shit, man?

You got some shit?Yeah, yeah, let's smoke
some of that shit now.

Is it good shit?Is the shit...
Shit is shit, man.


We haven't had shit
in a long time.

Come on, hurry up, come on,
hurry up, give me some
of that shit, will you?

Who's this shit from, man?It's really good shit, man.
African shit, man.

All right.It's really good shit!

Come on, gimme some.You like good shit.

That's got a hit on it
like the best kind.

Great shit, man.

How much is this shit?Fifty-five bucks, man.

Fifty-five bucks?Fifty-five bucks?

Hey, it's
55 bucks, man.

I got the only shit in town,
you take it or I go.

Okay, here you go.
It's 25 bucks, 25 bucks.
You got 30 bucks here?

Come on, gimme some of
that shit, come on.

We got the shit,
we finally got the shit.

Wait, there's one
already rolled in here.Rolled. Okay. Shit.

Hey, that really is shit.


ANNOUNCER: Don't get burned. Look for the union label next time you buy dope.


But, hark, yon Ophelia



Well, we're back again
with Professor Ceedee.

Professor... Wait.

Professor, what're you
doing down there?

I'm looking at a crack
in the Earth.

Well, could we talk
with you for just a moment?

Oh, certainly, certainly.
I'll see you after
the avalanche, okay, baby?


Good heavens, Professor,
what is that
all over your hands?

This is the jam I was
telling you about,
in the Earth, you know?

Yeah?You want to taste it?

No, no, thank you very much.
Uh, please, look, Professor,

there have been
three aftershocks
in the last two hours,

and the people are getting
very concerned that the worst
is not yet over.

Not over? That's silly.

Silly, silly, silly.

Then there is
no more danger?




Well, I'm not sure.

Gee, I hope they're wrong.
I got a hot date tonight.

Well, then, what about
these aftershocks?

Well, I don't know.
Maybe they're not
aftershocks, after all.

Maybe it's just
your camera shaking.

You know, we had a problem
like this once in Dresden,
with the camera shaking.

Really?We thought an earthquake

Yes, I see the problem here.
Yeah. Right there.
See that? See that there?

Yes, I do.Yeah, there, now.

That's much better.
It's all fixed.

Well, good, uh, Professor,
there are also reports

that a gigantic tidal wave
has hit the island
of Hawaii...

Nonsense, nonsense.

But--But, Professor,
thousands of people have
been washed out to sea.

Thousands of fish have been
washed in to shore.

Sounds romantic, doesn't it?
I love the tropics.

♪ First the tide rushes in


Professor, is there a chance
that the tidal wave
could strike here?

Don't panic!
Don't panic!

You see, tidal waves
are caused by

an over-abundance of
power boats.

[IMITATING POWER BOATS]Rushing back and forth.

We don't have
that problem here,

there's hardly
a boat in the ocean.

Besides this is
a low-budget film, you see.

So, just
take it easy, okay.

Relax, you know what I mean?

Professor, do you have
life insurance?

What're you talking about,
You should relax.

Take up a hobby like singing.

♪ First the tide rushes in... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, cracking up

♪ Oh, oh, cracking up

♪ Up

♪ The world's a-shaking,
cracking up

♪ The earth is quaking,
cracking up

♪ Oh, oh, cracking up

♪ Oh, oh, cracking up

♪ Up

♪ Oh, it's only thunder,
cracking up

♪ You're buried under,
cracking up

♪ It's gonna carry you away

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up, up, up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up

♪ Cracking up